Within our minds, we make associations where we might attach an image with an emotion or a feeling, we start defining such image according to the context we see it in, according to the people, according to what we hear/believe in according to such event/place/people and so, start defining ourselves according to all of the knowledge and information that comes from these mental associations that we integrate as ‘who we are’ and how we ‘understand the world’ and start categorizing our reality according to that, but with this comes also the definitions of what is good, what is evil, and where I stand within it all.
So, dreams stand as this ‘creation’ of myself to see what is coming up and why I’ve been dreaming of these things that seem rather random, but in a way they are only points that I orchestrate in my mind wherein I can see how I stand in relation to the people, the symbols, the places and contexts that I may not be physically linked to, but comes up due to having ‘activated’ some thoughts around such points or images, or people lately. So, I’ve done this exercise of looking at my dream again, which has allowed me to review a part of my background and the judgments I’ve had toward that in an undercover manner inside my mind, which came to the surface when looking at this dream.
This time it was related to what I can consider as ‘family’ or lineage, since I was in that one building owned by some relatives toward which I have crated a like/dislike relationship as a child, a property that exists as the representation of power over others in terms of how economics operated the past century in this country, wherein some ‘main houses’ would stand as the property of the landowner in which many other people would work in, demonstrating the great disparity from rich/wealthy and the poor/slaves of the town. This type of buildings represent the way to set the mark of ‘who rules in the land’ – probably no different to how a castle operates in feudalism – but at a ‘minor scale’ – these constructions are called ‘Haciendas’ and this one was built probably around the end of the 19th century or so, and it has been held as something we should be somehow ‘proud of’ too.
The reason why I disliked the place was mostly due to me as a little child reacting with lots of fear to the kind of parties that took place in there. I would see how lots of money would be spent on alcohol, animals were sacrificed for the food of the day, lots of people would come in, politicians and people I had to greet as ‘my family’ without having ever seen them in my life, causing then an aversion to family reunions. Also at the same time there were some rumors of the place being haunted, which as a child gave me the creeps all the way, and essentially tainting the whole experience of having to go there to family reunions, reacting with lots of fear – later on as I grew older it became something that I was a bit ‘proud of’ when understanding what such place represented, as well as indulging in the alcohol drinking that was absolutely ‘normal’ for family, even as a young child.
Well, the dream was located in that place – or at least a representation of it, I would see the people I have associated to that place – some relatives – and how I would see them as ‘evil’ somehow. Of course when I was a child I did not question how one gets to have such amount of money to buy such a place and have political positions in a small town in this country, so it simply became as ‘normalcy’ to me, even a point of pride somehow and that’s where it all converges.
In the dream, I had on my head horns, like a goat’s skull with its horns, and I would actually see the skull on top of my head with blood. Usually when I dream about blood it triggers something within me which I have identified as the ‘killing of life’ that we are all participating in it. However the symbolism within this is quite clear: horns in my mind association stand for ‘evil’ and me having ‘this’ on top of my head when getting to this place, indicates the associations toward the place, the people, some hidden associations I’ve held onto as well as disliking in general being there. I would see some mental patients around the place which I have no idea what about them but they were.
So what comes up, first of all the fright, the shock to see such thing on top of my head and me trying to take it off, yet I wasn’t able to, which made me feel horrified. In a way we can say that we all have blood in our hands, we all carry these ‘horns’ on top of us as the result of who we are/ have been since the beginning of time: the manifestation of evil that destroy life, yet fear to face it as such. I realize that I have personally linked that particular family lineage to a relationship of both pride and honor but at the same time of resisting to get to know ‘how’ they actually got that power, how they got to that position, and how they have mismanaged the money, how they have had many children due to the money they have, how they have business related to alcohol, how there have been various accidents related to alcohol yet continue to consequent such behavior as normal. And so within this, how I was dragged along the line of ‘having respect to them’ because of being family. And here I have to say that it’s not like I ‘dislike them’ or ‘like them’ consciously, but it is about opening up the ‘hidden layers’ that exist around this point not only for myself as an individual within this particular family-configuration, but as humanity wherein one way or another – no matter who or what were our ancestors, we have all been the consequential outflow of having been driven by our minds, a system that thrives through abuse, the abuse of life in order to ‘live.’ I see that no one really has had any ‘clean past’ in terms of what our parents, and their parents and their parents of their parents did, so we cannot claim sanctity one way or another: we’ve all been here for ever and cannot claim that we did not participate in what is here today.
I realize that subconsciously I’ve held onto such disdain for what I have deemed as ‘unacceptable behavior’ from relatives, however I realize that remaining with such ‘hidden scorn’ or ‘mixed emotions’ between honor, respect – which were mostly ‘taught’ onto me – and the unveiling of ‘what was really going on’ has made me rather keep the point ‘separate’ from me as to ‘not have to deal with it.’ So this is why I see that the whole set up was to me rather ‘shocking’ in order to realize that in my dream I was trying to hide from them, and at the same time wanting to take of this piece of skull with blood off my head, but I couldn’t, not until they found me and I had to face them, which is quite obvious in terms of how we hold onto things because of ‘not wanting to face them,’ instead of realizing that if we dare to face it, we can actually let go of the point and face the ‘over-mystification’ that happens in the mind, that takes more energy and attention than if we were to simply face it, let it go and equalize ourselves to the people, the places, the situations we have held so many resistances and reactions to.
Another point is that: I am not separate from them, and that whatever ‘sins of the fathers’ I saw myself as separate from: I am one and equal to them as well.
(For the reader: various ‘dimensions’ open up here so bare with me as there are various associations linked to the set-up of the dream, so it’s best for me to look at them all here so as to clear the whole point, even if it may seem like ‘jumping’ from point to point at times)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my dream react with fear when seeing that I was holding these ‘horns in my head’ along with blood, and how I was unable to ‘take them out’ right away until I had faced the family I was ‘running away from/hiding from’ in that hacienda, wherein I realize that I haven’t wanted to face this particular part of myself, my family, my ‘forefathers’ which are people I know very little from, yet in terms of how I have judged what I have come to know of them in public sources, by being with them has made me create a certain disdain toward them that I’ve harbored in a ‘background’ manner, since I got to know more about structures of power, money, and the connections created with politics, which also was another reason why I had ‘loathed politics’ in the past, due to witnessing and knowing of how these relationships take place in what I have judged as ‘lavish’ meetings where there is a huge use (judgment: squandering) of food, and alcohol and entertainment in order to demon.strate a social-status, power, and within this, create more networks of power and influence over the majority.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in a covert manner enjoy the benefits, the experience of being part of that one family with certain ‘name’ around a certain region as this made me feel ‘important’ or with certain ‘relevance’ ‘above the majority,’ which indicates that I was the one that created the whole experience that I projected onto others as ‘what they are/what they experience’ without realizing I created this experience toward the people, toward the place by judging it, associating certain knowledge and information – and when realizing how ‘wrong’ it was to desire or enjoy the benefit of having certain position in society, I went to the complete opposite to condemning all forms of power abuse, politics and such due to the basic witnessing of how that takes place when money is ‘not a problem’ and used only for the benefit of a few, while it was rather obvious that the entire place, the people working in there were not ‘at the same level’ and so witnessing first hand how inequality ‘looked like’ when you are ‘at the top’ and have people serving for you.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and sad about the people I would see working in there, witnessing the abundance of food and drinks and luxury given away for a few hours while them having to resort to only ‘being the workers’ for such place, for such people, which is how I started questioning why the hell only a few can have this kind of benefits – and within this create an inner conflict about it in terms of what looks good, what feels good within me, but judging it as wrong and detrimental to people and as such, because I veiled myself from seeing the ‘bigger picture’ at that stage, I simply decided to ignore that realization I have had, about power, about politics, about who benefits and instead only create an avoidance to all of it, as well as a way to not want to recognize that I liked the idea of being able to have ‘such power’, but, in the mind we go into reactions as to not have to face our responsibility to it, and instead we usually become victims to our own experience.
I realize that I can only judge something when being separated from it, when believing that it is ‘them’ and ‘others’ doing right/wrong things, without realizing that I am both sides of the coin, and that judging it and separating myself from it create no solution to it at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of being ‘ashamed’ in the dream for having these horns on my head with blood, and not being able to take them off, because I didn’t want to see me with such thing in my head, nor did I want others to see me with that either – which is revealing how this is something I had to face, walk through, self-forgive as to no longer be ashamed or try and deny my experiences toward positions of power, when seeing abundance of money, when being benefited in any way by any position of power, which made me then create the polarity of ‘I like it’ and ‘I enjoy it’ even if it’s only for a few hours, and then go into judgment about it, inner conflict and mostly not wanting to have anything to do with ‘them’ because of any associations with power/abuse that it may bring. Therefore I see that I created my own ‘friction and conflict’ based on memories, definition, information that I took personal an defined myself in relation to it, when in fact it only serves as a point of reaction within my mind.
Therefore, I continue to see what else is in it.
I realize that we have all as human beings have participated in abuse, in one way or another, and how we all in fact carry such ‘horns with blood’ in our head as the symbol of the evil nature that we all are in fact, the blood as the sacrifice of life for our benefit, and we all carry this ‘sin’ within us until we are able to self-forgive and directly create solutions that prevent these ‘sins of the fathers’ from repeating over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever see any family member with disgust or disdain or plainly fear them as a child, not really knowing the reason why other than hearing certain deeds that I knew were not ‘beneficial’ for themselves or others, including the massive procreation of people as a result of the power and ‘recognition’ they held, which also I have held as a relationship of disgust and shame, mostly – without realizing that that is what someone with certain power eventually ends up doing: abusing it, misdirecting it without measuring consequences, and this entire world is the result of us abusing each other in one way or another for that matter, so judging these individuals due to ‘them being related to me’ has more to do with ‘me not wanting to be associated with abuse’ and that’s the reason why I didn’t want to see me with this piece of skull with blood over my head, yet it would only ‘come off’ once I would face the people I was hiding from in the dream: the generations that have gone before us.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having wished coming from noble people that are ‘honest’ and ‘trustworthy’ not realizing that this was only for my own benefit, of being ‘immaculate’ which is impossible considering who and what we have always been as humanity in this world, wherein most likely no one has such immaculate origin, as no matter ‘where we come from’ or ‘who is our family’ we are all equally responsible for the atrocities in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be horrified, ashamed, fearful of having such ‘horns with blood’ in my head in my dream as what I have defined is a symbol to realize that I also carry that which I have judged others for, and avoided facing as myself too.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify a piece of skull and bones as horns as something ‘horrific’ along with blood, not realizing that I am composed myself of bones and blood – therefore I see the association of ‘horns’ as ‘evil’ and blood as something disgusting to look at, due to how horror films – which I don’t even watch but okay it’s part of the collective unconscious – uses blood as a symbol of horror, crime and so forth to generate fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the scenario in my mind of an experience of fear due to the place that I associated with that old hacienda where I have believed that there were ghosts or people haunting others, which is also why I held such an experience of fear about it as well, petrification in fact when it came to even thinking about having to ‘spend the night there’ which never happened, because I always threw tantrums in order to never stay there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an extreme experience of fear when getting to this place because of knowing that there would be lots of alcohol available, therefore lots of people in a party-mode which I came to then resist due to not liking to see people becoming drunk and stubborn, as well as – on top of that – fearing the entities or ghosts I had heard of.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to dislike people that drink, and large amounts of people because of the extreme fear and even nervousness and anxiety that I would go through when getting to this specific place due to all the elements involved: lots of people, rooms filled with bottles of alcohol, lots of chatter and the myths and stories of the place being haunted.
I realize that as a child and being as usually afraid of everything as I used to, the idea of having to spend the night there was a nightmare to me, which I never did, but I would go to great lengths to make my parents leave the place so we could rather sleep at a hotel and not there, which is how I have in my mind connected all the points of fears toward that place specifically, linked to ‘the people’ in there and now I see that it’s only me in my mind how I have ‘mystified’ it all, and actually holding more energy in relation to the memory itself, how I remember it, how I defined my experience in there as a memory in itself, instead of realizing that it’s just a place, it’s just people and that the one experience of fear I had created in my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a kind of hatred toward drunk people, not realizing that I’ve been there myself as well and that I stopped because of living by a principle of doing what is best for all, but it is certain that I would have also become ‘my own worst nightmare’ if I had continued to drink, and do it as ‘normal’ as it is considered for family or the majority in society wherein alcohol is an ‘okayish’ thing to take/drink, which is absolutely unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the family business because of it being linked to alcohol and how I stand for ‘banning alcohol’,’ which had become a point of conflict when relating to my family, yet I’ve realized and actually walked the point wherein I stick to what I see is common sense and stand as it. Yet I realize I must stop any judgment that may still come through in relation to alcohol, as alcohol in itself is just a substance, it is the individuals that drink a lot of it that become a problem, and a danger to themselves and society.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go from pride to shame when it comes to the relationship with this family when I got to understand power, politics, relationships and how this was closer to me in the family than I expected – and as such created an ambivalent relationship of ‘liking’ the fact of having such background but at the same time, not wanting to be associated with it due to the relationships of abuse that are formed within such positions. However I realize that I can only judge this reality and others based on my own value systems, thoughts, knowledge and information which is then what I take responsibility for, as I cannot ‘change my background’ or my relatives, their businesses or anything like that – I focus on myself and what I am, and instead work on stopping and eradicating any form of subtle judgment toward anyone in any position of power or the opposite as poverty/disempowered.
It is within me stopping this sectarianism within myself that I begin the change within me first, by stopping defining people according the structural abuse of the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories of my past, and within that holding on to judgment, beliefs, ideas and perceptions as well as my own reactions as part of ‘how I see myself in relation to relatives’ from this specific family, the place and all of it becoming ‘more than what they are’ in my mind, because it’s certain how our memories become the instrument to ‘haunt us’ meaning to cause reactions and re-live the initial experiences of that moment, without realizing that we are here in the moment, physically in another space-time and that it is pointless to continue categorizing, judging, identifying and labeling people, places, circumstances according to how I reacted to them in the past – I take full responsibility for my reactions and ensure I let go of the ‘haunting’ experience which is only of benefit to my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to judgment toward others and certain relatives based on how I have deemed them to be toward each other, themselves as ‘abusive’ without realizing that within this I am only holding on to the ‘negative’ to be judged instead of rather also looking at what I can learn from others that is of benefit for everyone, as I see that I tend to be a tad extremist when it comes to painting something/someone either white or red. Within this, I see that instead of judging all that is ‘bad’ or ‘wrong,’ I rather investigate further to see what I can learn from them/others that is beneficial for myself and all, and apply it to my own life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create such a tantrum at that time with my parents just because of not wanting to stay in that place in fear of ‘having ghosts lurking around.’ I realize that as a child, I allowed fears to absolutely drive me to also lure others into doing what I wanted them to do based on my fears to, for example, not stay at a certain place due to potential ‘ghosts’ coming out at night.
I realize that I allowed myself to believe many stories, many ideas about spirits, ghosts and other paranormal phenomena which in turn became a constant fear within me as a child, which I held onto until the time when I got to know there were no more ghosts, spirits and so forth, which is only 6 years ago due to finding about Desteni.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold any judgment, idea, perception toward others as family members that I could create an experience of shame or avoidance to be linked to, as this only perpetuates self definitions according to ‘who I am’ in terms of being part of a particular family, holding a particular name, which is only how we have constructed the system – yet in reality: we all are equally related to one another, as we are in fact one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for being part of humanity which has been a point that emerges from time to time when witnessing the abuse we impose toward each other and everything around us, not realizing that everything that we are is ourselves and so, every abuse that is ‘committed by others’ is in fact committed by ourselves too – we have been the evil in this world, and this is why I relate the horns upon my head as a representation of how I have also participated in this, I have also formed part of the atrocities that I associate the skull with horns upon my head as the representation of who I am in the mind, evil as the reverse of live/life, and as such the reaction to realizing ‘I am also part of it/it’s upon me’ is unnecessary yet for the dream being a way to realize that I cannot ‘separate’ myself from it.
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘hide’ from consequence, hide from having to face what I first created a ‘taste’ for such as alcohol or the taste of bits of what I defined as ‘power’ and ‘social recognition’ above the majority, and create an avoidance toward it later, not wanting to see it as part of what was going to ‘shape’ me and who I am, and what I like and what I’m supposed to be proud of – not realizing that this is absolutely nothing to be taken personal, it is where I was born just as any other thing or person is defined within this system – and even if my core family wasn’t rich or having these privileges as those relatives did – at their time – the notion of ‘being recognized’ or having ‘certain power’ did create a likeness for it initially within me, which I later on veiled and covered up because of not wanting to face my own participation in the ‘taste for power’ linked to specifically higher status in society, which I have also disclosed in previous blogs extensively, the polarity of desiring power/ loathing power and how to correct it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge elitism and inequality, yet I create such conditions every time that I define people according to the amount of money/power/status they hold, and how I also participate in it in my mind when judging anyone based on money/power/status – without realizing that this that I have defined as ‘evil’ – being money, power, social status – is something I also participate in and require in order to ‘live’ within the set up in this system, therefore I stop holding judgment toward what is here, the hierarchical levels, the forms of structural violence that exist in our hierarchical society – as I realize that we will only stop these definitions once that we recognize equal value as the recognition of who we are as equals.
In the dream, I was only able to take the horns off after I had faced them, after they found me because I was deliberately wanting to hide from them. So it means that I can only take off the horns is when I have dared to face this experience that I had been harboring within me, without realizing that: the more I avoided looking at it, talking about it, writing about it and clearing myself around this point, I would only be holding on to it as the polarity of like/dislike, what I enjoyed at some point in my life and how I am correcting myself to not ever fall for what I deem is the corruption that comes along with power, and with this stop the cycles of abuse that have existed throughout our history as humanity.
In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that these specific relatives had to abuse in order to obtain such power – without realizing that even if it was so, me holding on to such judgment doesn’t change the facts, the past, what has been done – and also within this not to try and now hold on to this ‘myth’ of there being some kind of ‘good doer’ in the same family that was ‘stealing from the rich to give to the poor’ as a way to redeem myself and want me to be directly linked to that person because ‘oh he was a good doer and wanted to bring social justice in early 20th century’ which is just creating the polarity of wanting to be associated with the ‘good ancestors’ and avoid anything related to what in my mind I have defined as ‘evil or bad’ ancestors.
The truth and reality is that all of it were designs, were placements, were roles that had to exist to create the entirety of the system as is: of rich and poor, of abuse, of power and enslavement – and within this, I realize that I have been a product in and of this entire system, regardless of my direct lineage or family – I realize that an individual has the opportunity and the gift of self forgiveness no matter how ‘evil’ or ‘bad’ or ‘good’ they’ve been, and that’s what I see is mostly relevant: to let go of the fear to face the evil we have become, to face the crimes against ourselves and all living beings in this Earth for our self-interest, for power, for money, for status, etc. And in this we can liberate ourselves, free ourselves from ‘the sins of the fathers’ and ensure that we ourselves, myself, do not fall ever again for traits that come with the illusion of power that can only exist as abuse within the context of this system we are and live in at the moment.
Self Corrective Statements and Commitments:
When and as I see myself being ashamed of carrying the ‘horns of evil’ metaphorically speaking, when realizing where and how we have contributed to the problems, the abuse in this world – I stop and I breathe – I realize that going into shame or avoidance to look at it only leaves us as victims once again of what is already done. Instead, I commit myself to stand within that realization, take into consideration the entirety of this world-system, see where and how I have directly participated in what is here, and no longer take these things personal, but instead walk through the shame, use the shame as a reminder that I can no longer re-crate the sins of the fathers, to recreate that which I came to first like and enjoy and then loathed and avoided as a polarity construct in my own mind.
I realize that holding on to shame based on my own memories, judgments, ideas, beliefs and perceptions around any individual that I am related to directly as ‘family’ is useless to keep, as the shame itself creates and recreates the definition that I hold toward ‘them.’
I commit myself to stop any form of shame and avoidance that exists within me when looking at the things, the consequences we have created as humanity as this only recreates a mind experience about it, and does nothing to solve it – therefore,
I commit myself to transform the shame, the avoidance of looking at something into an opportunity to equalize myself with that, so as to understand it, to place it into context, to see what can be done in relation to preventing, correcting, aligning relationships that have enabled this abuse
I realize that we will face the real nature of ourselves and that being ‘horrified’ by it, by seeing our direct implication onto it makes no difference to what is already done – therefore
When and as I see myself being ever horrified at looking at the consequences we are generating as human beings on Earth, I stop and I breathe – I realize that being ‘shocked’ at what I/we create every day – directly or indirectly – does no change, creates no solution to such problems and situations. Therefore
I commit myself to stop participating in any emotion of shame, horror, disgust, avoidance, disdain when seeing, understanding and/or witnessing how we directly impact the world, how we directly abuse ourselves and each other – and instead commit myself to live self forgiveness, to not get ‘trapped’ in the experience and wanting to ‘run away from it’ or ‘take it off of my head’ metaphorically speaking – but instead, face it, be willing to walk through it in order to establish solutions, realizing as well that it is only when we dare to face the true nature of ourselves that we can then get to understand why we are in the condition we are in our world and reality and as such, within understanding, and no longer judging it, one can create solutions.
I commit myself to no longer be ashamed of or want to hide from people that I wish I was ‘not related to,’ without realizing that this would imply holding on to shame toward all of humanity and myself, as I am part of everything and everyone as well – therefore I let go of the judgment and instead walk in self-forgiveness, stopping any reactions and separation toward all that is here as myself.
I commit myself to stop fueling my own ‘myths’ and mystifying people and places only for the sake of entertaining past memories of certain experiences that serve no purpose to who I am here and as such, I let go any definition toward my own memories as ‘haunting’ and instead, focus on living here, every moment, being self directive.
I realize that it can be a bit shocking at times when we get to see how we/others behave, what we/others do in terms of creating consequence in our reality and why it is that we ‘do it’ and so the ‘shock’ comes from not being able to ‘compute’ about the crimes against we have all – equally – committed against life, against ourselves. And this is why I suggest educating oneself about the nature of who we are and have become as the mind, as these consciousness systems that in no way have considered life, the reality and the substance of who and what we really are. Therefore, every form of ‘evil’ in this world, every word, thought or deed that doesn’t benefit us all as equals, is the reality that we have created in un-awareness of who we are as one and equal, and as such, we stand up, we face it, we direct and establish solutions to prevent the problems and align what’s already here to the benefit of everyone in equality, beginning with myself.
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