Tag Archives: negative outcomes

550. From Expectations to Self-Grounding

 

Throughout this process I’ve learned how creating expectations can be a secure trip to get disappointed most of the times, considering how in our minds we tend to ‘elevate’ ourselves in creating these ideals as in ‘perfect or idyllic situations’ about an event or situation that could open up or happen in one’s reality.

 

What I’ve seen is how we are the only ones that set this trap of expectations to ourselves wherein we accumulate a lot of thoughts, emotions, feelings which are all energy-based building up an experience one can define as an expectation, where one goes into imagining, thinking, considering future potentials and scenarios of how awesome – or how terrible – something can turn out to be and in doing so, one entirely misses out on the physical reality here, where in reality we cannot at all be certain of anything that one is going into a ‘high’ or ‘low’ about in relation to something happening in the future.

 

I call this a ‘high’ because in my case when it comes to planning the potentials of doing something that I’ve been expecting for a long time can turn into a very exhilarating experience and yes, just as the word sounds ‘exhilarating’ it’s accelerating my pulse and I dive into this ‘rush’ upon considering finally having something happen in my life that I’ve been expecting for some 10 years and that is, yes, seeing one of my favorite bands in a concert.

 

Now, I could have also minimized this experience and say ‘bah, it’s just a concert, it’s nothing, it’s just something that will pass and that’s it’ – but in this opening to be more self-aware at a physical level, I did notice how upon been more actively engaged in the process of making such potential a reality, I’ve been building up all kinds of future potentials and play outs of the whole situation, or how ‘good it will be to finally see them live’ and I’ll explain what is behind this all.

 

The reason why I have seen myself go out of my ‘cool-calm and collected self’ about this is because this is one of those ‘dreams’ or ‘desires’ that I created over ten years ago where while listening to their music, every single time I participated in the hope, the dream, the expectation that ‘someday they could come to play here so that I could enjoy that in a live version’ and even making statements – at the time – of ‘I’ll be able to die once that I see this band live’ which are often said in a light manner by many music-fans including myself.

 

Another layer of this is that it became part of my personality, it became the ‘elusive’ type of situation that at some level became ‘something to look forward to’ in the future, and that I have experienced before in relation to other bands as well, which for context, has a lot to do with the intricate self-definition and experience-relationship I created towards music since I was a little girl, specifically at the age of 7 when my ‘particular tastes’ started developing – greatly based on the access to MTV at the time – which I know many if not most people can relate to while growing up in my generation.

 

So, this particular band is very much linked to my self-definition and due to how it may seem somewhat underrated or not well known, the expectations of them coming to play to my country were almost null throughout all of these years where I would regularly send emails to their managers to get a gig in Mexico City… and it’s only as of late that something seems to be finally coagulating in that regard and I did notice yesterday how I had built up quite a load of excitement as expectations about it, which was in fact the discharge of all those times throughout these over 10 years of having thought of ‘them coming to play a live show’ and how I would experience this excitement, expectation, yearning and hope ultimately, which are experiences that are of energy, and no matter how one can perceive them as ‘natural’ and ‘nice fluffy experiences’ they are not, I don’t particularly like this ‘rush’ that I’ve created towards the expectation of this happening and how unsettling it is at a physical body level.

 

Now, of course it is not about ‘them’ or ‘the music’ but entirely about myself and how I have created the layers of expectation over time, the years that I’ve spent desiring for this to finally happen and even creating these ‘statements’ in a semi-joking manner to say ‘I will be able to die peacefully after I see x band play live’ for example… and I forgive myself for having ever said that because of course it would be quite silly to kind of say I’m ready to die just because of seeing a live act, but we don’t fully realize what we are implying with that kind of desires, future projections and conditions we create upon ourselves with and through our words and intentions, which ultimately are things for us to reflect to what extent one can be ‘gone’ in one’s head being in a high experience about such kind of event happening and disregarding the reality that is here, where I cannot really ascertain anything on them coming, I cannot really ‘win or lose’ something with it other than having the opportunity to see them live and that’s it –

 

I’ve been able to be cool, calm and collected with other bands throughout the years, but due to the exacerbated expectation I placed over time to this one band in particular, I can now experience the physical toll of some hours spent in an active engagement into these potentials and ways in which I could contribute to make it happen.

 

On one side, sure it’s cool if it can happen and it’s not like I now have to go to the opposite side of the polarity to wish it doesn’t happen or not go at all – it’s about changing my relationship and starting point towards this possible event that I could assist to, and ultimately be able to ground it back to self: not making of this event something ‘more’ than me or something that I have charged a lot of expectation upon, but seeing it for what it is: a different activity on my day to day like going to watch/listen to some live music which is something that lasts a couple of hours and that’s it.

 

I’ve also seen throughout my life how whatever I place this accumulated expectation on, especially when building it up with all the apparent ‘nice’ and ‘exciting’ possibilities, what ends up happening is that one doesn’t get to experience that at all – therefore a ‘low’ comes as a result – or even if one does get to be excited and exhilarated throughout the concert, then next day becomes ‘shitty’ because there’s no longer that something that one is looking forward to.

 

This all has to do with conditioning our lives to the experience of an energy within us as a point of stimulation, to make ourselves dependent to ‘get to a particular day’ in the year in order to get to experience that which we have been ‘waiting for’ throughout a long period of time and it’s just like this build up that explodes and one goes into a ‘down’ or ‘depression’ or ‘lack of energy’ afterwards, because all of that build up is no longer sustained through our idea of having something happen in our reality anymore once that it is ‘fulfilled.’

 

That’s also what becomes a periodical thing to ‘look forward to’ and  ‘live our lives for’, and I’ve seen this a lot in the community of people that look forward to concerts as well where LIFE seems to ‘lose its meaning’ after having this major-event happening and unless there is a new band coming or something else to look forward to, everything loses ‘its meaning’ and ‘there’s no sense to live’ which sounds quite shocking really when I place it here in words to see, and having been myself one of those people that would declare such statements at times in the past, I can see how much I was – and have been – making myself subject to these buildups and releases that I end up creating in my body only to keep myself subject to these highs and lows that get the physical into an actual overdrive and strain, because all of these seemingly ‘exciting’ experiences are actually eating up my physical body.

 

It’s also interesting where some people have identified this adrenaline, this expectation, and exhilaration as ‘being alive’ or being completely human and so making it all a ‘natural’ experience, but it is so that only through the awareness of who we are in our minds and the relationship of energy to our physical body that I’ve learned with and through the Desteni material over the past nine years, I’ve come to see and realize that the – excuse the word but – fucked up body state that one gets into after having these ‘major events’ take place in our lives, leaves us ‘high and dry’ literally, which is why we then look for our next fix –  lol sounds like ‘netflix’ isn’t it? – where yes one wants to ‘binge on’ something and once that one ‘craving’ is satisfied, we look at which other band is coming next, or what other fix can we expect out there to arrive to our lives soon.

 

And this is not living, this is not being directive, this is certainly not the kind of experience I want to recreate within myself, my body because I don’t like being unsettled and having these unnerving experiences that I’ve seen come up more since I got to be more involved in this possibility and for a moment believing that ‘being excited is cool’ because it is not, my body certainly is the proof that it is not and it is quite an unsettling experience that I am quite aware was being detonated as I started participating in this potential moment/event/situation where I could ‘finally’ satisfy this desire that I’ve kept ‘alive’ within me for so many years.

 

A part of me wants to say ‘this is silly, what’s the point of sharing this, it’s a silly infatuation, there’s no point, it’s irrelevant’ but I know it is relevant for myself and I’m sharing it because this is supportive for me to actually write out this thing that I’ve held mostly in my mind for so many years – and ultimately it can be supportive for others to translate this similar process of creating expectations towards anything in one’s life.

 

It can be an expectation of vacation/holiday time, which makes you ‘hate’ your job and then simply think you can discharge and let go of the hatred once you are on vacation – meaning keeping yourself in the ultimate polarity of the highs and the lows in energy, which is the whole point to become aware of and stop participating in – or the expectation of one day ‘meeting the man/woman of your dreams’ as the ‘perfect relationship’ and go to bed every night getting excited about it and drive your day to day to wake up just looking forward to that, or getting the job deal that you have been dreaming for your entire life, or getting to travel to your dreamed place, being able to buy something, getting to have or own something that you’ve been desiring for a long time in any form or way – that stuff keeps one locked in this adrenaline, exhilaration, this unnerving experience which is actually not at all cool for the physical body and it’s actually quite draining in nature, considering how we’re now aware of how the mind feeds off from the physical body to exist.

 

I’ve been definitely seeing the effects of yesterday’s (last Thursday) ‘peak’ as well today (Friday) wherein I’ve experienced this tiredness which is definitely unusual to me, which at the same time is a very clear reference of how I have been ‘draining’ myself through these expectations and ideals I’ve been entertaining in my mind for some 24 hours now in a more active sense, but in total, who knows how much time I’ve spent entertaining these future play outs and potentials….years on.

 

So, what can I do in my case to stop causing the strain in my physical body? I can stop participating in the imaginations and potential play outs or even planning about something that I am not even certain will take place – therefore rather realizing that if it happens or doesn’t happen, it’s not all in my hands and even if it was, should not define me in who I am in every moment of breath. That means, I have to stop seeing this potential as this ‘marvelous and greatest thing that could happen to me’, because it’s not really, it’s only music, it’s only a live presentation, I’ve seen how I am actually more ‘excited’ beforehand than when it actually is happening where I then see how I kept myself in this ‘high’ beforehand that is almost gone by the time it gets to actually happen and it’s just like craving something and getting it, then forgetting about it type of relationship, which speaks quite a bit about the nature of ourselves as our mind, where we create these highs and lows in our experience and miss out on the actual substance of what one is interacting with and speaking of in reality.

 

I have to forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply this specialness to seeing this particular band live which I can see right now, my eyes just want to shut down and go to sleep because of how I have been on ‘overdrive’ about this and body is taking a toll, which is not cool at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in the expectation many times before towards seeing a particular band live wherein I start defining myself in relation to expecting the day where I get to have that experience, defining my reason to wake up as in ‘being one day closer to this event happening’ and ultimately end up creating the ‘climatic’ energetic experience on that day while at the same time securing the eventual ‘crash’ the next day after it actually happens and coming back to reality, which then would become quite a challenge as well because there is no more constant stimulation to ‘keep going’ on a daily basis, unless I would encounter a new ‘something’ to look forward to and put myself back on track on the energetic-bandwagon of ‘looking forward to’ something.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘looking forward’ to have something happen in my life that I’ve charged and built up with a substantial amount of expectations upon, as something I’ve been wishing for over a decade now, wherein I am justifying that ‘I have the right to be excited and ‘on a high’ about it’ when in fact, I am aware that this is only me as the mind and the ‘me’ that existed over ten years ago speaking, wherein I’ve also continued feeding this desire, instead of simply focusing on my day to day as usual and when and if the time and opportunity comes to assist to such concert, be able to enjoy it in the moment, not before or after but while it is taking place in reality.

 

Here then I can change my relationship to ‘looking forward to it’ into a ‘looking at it’ in the moment, when it’s happening and as it takes place, where even the possibility of it taking place or not doesn’t define me or where I do not become subject to a ‘high’ or a ‘low’ experience in relation to it.

 

 

An update on this point today Sunday on my side, after having been to a failed concert situation, this blog written prior to leaving to this ‘failed concert’ situation was quite supportive to be grounded and not create a low or a high about going to the concert and seeing it not taking place at all, which is a completely unusual situation to me but, I did notice that after having written out this whole blog, I became quite settled about the expectations towards concerts and I’ve been also more grounded about the potential outflows where I simply cannot be certain or ‘take for granted’ something, or even create a potential idea of ‘how it will go’ based on ideas, perceptions, future projections in my mind, but instead stick to reality on a moment by moment basis.

 

So, once again self-writing became a pillar of support for myself throughout the day yesterday and here I share the whole story in my vlog for further context: Adapting to Unfortunate Events – Decade With Desteni which in this case is related to this concert situation, but can be about virtually anything related to building up a positive or negative experience as an expectation of something happening and then having the opposite happen and how to ‘deal’ with those experiences, as well as this is part of what I walk through a threshold of seeing all of this too ‘irrelevant’ to share but, I saw how much of a hold this whole point had on me before writing it out, so here it is, sharing self-support.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

To understand more about the relationship of the energy in our physical body, check out the series: Quantum Mind Self Awareness at Eqafe.com

 

 Unnverving

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


505. Why Do We Hate?

Or understanding hate as a way to avoid looking at how we created expectations towards others being or doing that which we desired/wanted for ourselves.

This has been a question that I consider we have all had in our lives at some point and unfortunately like many other ‘darker’ aspects of our minds, we fear investigating ‘who we are’ as hate, instead of seeing that in the first place, it’s not really about ‘hating others’- it is an accumulation of negative reactions that we are projecting towards others that are based on an initial positive experience and expectation that we created towards something or someone. This way love and hate are in fact existing as these relationships that we hold through positive and negative experiences, leading us to eventually have to ‘burst the bubbles’ of the perceived positive in order to reveal behind it all, what is it that we have in fact been projecting towards another as an expectation of what we would like/love them to be and do for us.

“One cannot continue with an illusion like this in relationships, how are we ever going to learn how to be ourselves, to stand on our own two feet, to be individuals, to be independent, if throughout existence all we do is expecting everything and everyone else to be something for us when we’re not even willing to be it for ourselves, I mean how can we even expect it or demand it, or depend on it from someone else if we don’t really in fact know what it really I fact means to be all of those things, that we’re wanting others to be it for us. “Atlanteans # 80, Eqafe.com

 

This quote from an audio about love and hate in relationships very much stuck with me because it assisted me when it got published some years ago, to understand why it is so easy to go from ‘love’ to ‘hate’ or any other negative experiences specifically within a relationship – be it with family, friendship or partnership. And I’ve also had a few people ask this same question to me lately, where we seem to get ‘puzzled’ over the realization that we are experiencing hate, anger or any other ‘negative’ reaction towards people that we had a generally positive relationship with initially.

 

What  I learned from this interview/audio is that in order for ‘hate’ to exist, we first had to create an expectation, a positive ideal about another in a relationship where we hoped that all of what we have defined as ‘good’, ‘desirable’ or ‘positive aspects’ that we wanted them to be, would become a constant reality of themselves and therefore in the relationship with ourselves/with us.

 

And what happens when we see our expectations ‘fail’, that’s where the shift from ‘loving’ all those positive/good experiences comes back to its opposite, which is ‘hate’ or any other negative reactions where one shifts the point of responsibility towards others as ‘blame’ and ‘hatred’ based on not seeing these positive-experiences fulfilled within ourselves, instead of actually seeing the point of self-responsibility that opens up for us to look at, which is to in fact first see what kind of ideas, expectations and ‘best scenarios’ we created in our minds and projected towards another, waiting and hoping that they would ‘change for us’ or ‘become the best for themselves and therefore for us’ wherein, the moment that this proves to be an ‘unfulfilled expectation’, we believe that ‘the other person is letting us down’ or is ‘betraying us’ but in reality, who created the initial positive-idealism towards the potential change of another person? We did, and therefore throughout our ‘usual reactions’ that we’ve accepted and allowed as ‘human nature’ in this kind of situations, we’ve come to see hate as something valid towards another. But I’ve learned that it is not so, because it is an experience that Is being projected onto another, and at the same time I’d dare to say it is mostly representing the anger towards oneself for having indulged into expectations of others to be able to change, which is therefore where we usually don’t want to acknowledge that we did this to ourselves = we created the positive expectation in our minds, wanting ‘others’ to  be all of that ‘good’ for us where as the quote says, we are wanting others to be for us what we haven’t yet been and done for ourselves – and when reality proves this is not so, it’s not ‘real’ then, we hit the wall and create negative reactions to it.

 

This is also very common towards parents where as children we create ideas of what kind of ‘good parents’ we’d like to have and when our expectations are not met, we end up hating them based on not being able to fulfill those positive things we had expected our parents to be or do for us. Of course as children it’s more difficult to take responsibility for this, but as adults it becomes one of those things where we have to acknowledge our collective responsibility in how we have allowed ‘parenting’ to be done and practiced for such a long time, where we all have our stories to tell on how we can see the flaws in it, but we haven’t yet dared to stand up and own the consequences to take responsibility for that which we have hated or blamed our parents for, because it then doesn’t reflect ‘them’ but ourselves in not wanting to be the change for ourselves, to live for ourselves that which we hold a grudge towards our parents for not doing/being for us. And that’s no longer acceptable.

 

Hate is genuinely another tantrum, another way to justify self-pity, anger, disempowerment, victimization where we are not realizing our first and most important point of self-responsibility, which is that of first being willing to look at all things that we have attached a positive experience towards, which we’ve turned into expectations, beliefs, desires that we have projected onto something or someone and maintaining a positive relationship to all of that as an illusion, then eventually has to hit the ground to see the truth of it all, as anything else that must come back down to earth after flying ‘high’ on positive feelings or expectations.

 

In this case, the best thing to do is to self-forgive all the positive expectations and experiences we had projected towards another, to realize and take responsibility for the fact that we were expecting another to do something that they had not even decided to do for themselves in the first place, but that existed as a hope – therefore when we get to see ‘the proof’ where those expectations are not being met and seeing that ‘another has not in fact been that/done that ‘for me’’ we believe that we have the right to hate them. Really?

 

No, there’s no right to it because we can’t ever change another and hatred means only venting out emotional reactions as all the negative experiences that were held at the same time by their polarity points of all the positive experiences that we had projected and expected others to be or create for us… so who in fact is enslaving ‘who’ in these expectations?

 

This also points out how the solution to hatred is not ‘love’ either, because love as it is currently mainly understood stands as the polarity of hatred, as ‘all the good stuff’ that we haven’t questioned ourselves in the first place why is it that we have to live within a polarity of positive and negative in which we trap ourselves in good and bad experiences, while there is in fact a way to live outside of this polarity, and live life according to self-responsibility, self-honesty, common sense and self-creation.

 

The solution is to understand, write out and self-forgive all of those positive expectations we built around another/others, all the positive ideas and hope we projected upon others and so take responsibility for having allowed ourselves to expect others to change for us, to be ‘the ideal’ that we have created in our own minds, even if one wants to justify it as ‘best for all’ for the other person as well, as long as one sees oneself ‘wanting to change, save’ another, we are in fact compromising ourselves, preparing our path to face the love-hate dynamic and at the same time we don’t even realize how in this kind of relationships and expectations, we prevent the other person from truly deciding to change and live in a supportive manner for and as themselves, not for a relationship, not for a family member or a friend.

 

I’ve been in this outflow and outcome many times in my life and as much as I have wanted to justify ‘my experience’ I cannot deny self-honesty and my point of responsibility and self-creation in these positive experiences and expectations imposed towards another, therefore it is essential for me to realize that I am always the origin, cause and creation of myself as this expectation I projected towards another – same projection or expectation that I now have to bring back to myself so that I can genuinely stand as an individual that does not become dependent on another to change, does not condition our process of self-honesty based on an ideal in my  mind to fulfill by others, even if it’s ‘best’ for others, we cannot ever make that decision and live that process of change for another and that’s actually a principle that I’ve known in theory for so long, yet one can still fall for a moment in it and be blinded by the ‘good experiences’ and neglecting to look at the reality behind it, which is always there in the background, I assure you, it takes courage to recognize the truth and reality behind all the seemingly good experiences.

 

Ultimately this brings me back to seeing that it’s not about ‘others’ that we go into love or hate, but it’s always about ourselves and what we imprint as experiences, expectations, desires, wants, needs towards others and how then we trap ourselves when seeing that it didn’t come through in reality, because we cannot ever stand in the life of another to change them or to be those changes ‘for them’ either, and this is why this process is the ultimate individual self-realization, because no matter how much ‘good’ we would like to do onto others, it’s ultimately up to each one to create themselves/ourselves and I would not want it any other way really, otherwise it would be again very consequential to enslave each other based on becoming ‘each other’s crutch for change’ and expecting another to leave the crutch and stand alone, but the reality does boil down to seeing how if we are not willing to be the best version of ourselves for ourselves, individually, we cannot ever be that for another in a relationship – whether it’s family, friends, partnership, colleagues – and this world is built in relationships.

 

I’ve shared many times before how the same happens with hating presidents or politicians and how it only reveals how many ‘good expectations’ we have projected onto others, to be and act in the best way possible ‘for us’ and in that, creating this righteousness experience if they ‘dare’ to not live up to our expectations, but… who created those expectations in the first place? We did, and so we have to realize our responsibility in creating all of the outcomes that we usually Love to Blame others for, yet, we haven’t even looked at why in the first place have we allowed ourselves to polarize our relationship to things and people in this world within a positive and a negative in which we ‘bounce’ from one pole to the other…

There’s no doubt to me that there is so much to learn from our reactions and how they all always can indicate and assist us to see something that we are not wanting to face, to acknowledge and change within ourselves to begin with.

 

That’s how hate is no different to blame and dodging one’s responsibility to our creation, our expectations, our desires that we are seeking to be fulfilled ‘by others’ in our lives – definitely time to take responsibility for ourselves in its totality and as the audio says, be able to be all of that for ourselves  first instead of expecting others to be that for us.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Recommended audio-support to understand Hate and learn to Self Forgive it:

And!

 

Darla 06

 

Join us in our process of Self-Responsibility as LIFE


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