Tag Archives: neglecting my body

589. Exigency towards my body

Or changing the relationship of despotism towards my physical body   to one of humbleness and consideration

I’ve found the latest recordings Redefining Physical – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 109 and Redefining Physical (Part 2) – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 110 from Eqafe.com very supportive to open up aspects that I had not questioned before in relation to judgments towards my physical body beyond appearance. I’d say that one of the most common ways to judge ourselves is definitely related to how our body looks, but there are many other aspects that I had not particularly questioned or looked at as such which I’ll write about here.  

I’ve noticed a form of exigency that I’ve imposed onto my physical body when it comes to the times when I’ve gotten sick or when my body is simply not at what I’ve come to define ‘being at my 100%’ and I am feeling weak, having certain unstable experience in my body that emerges ‘out of nowhere’ wherein I then go into a ‘low’ experience within me, desiring to be alright, wanting to be ‘done with’ whatever disturbance is going on in my body and in a way victimizing myself within a desire to be fully fine and ‘back to normal’ without really questioning or seeing how whatever my body is going through is in fact an outflow of whatever I’ve caused onto it, whether it is a sickness, discomfort, pain = it’s been all self-created, which doesn’t also mean it’s all ‘bad’ either, it’s definitely beyond morality.

I can identify this experience as a form of exigency because who I am in that relationship is one of ‘demanding’ my body to be alright, as if it was doing ‘its thing’ out of nowhere when in fact, every single time I have any form of sickness or physical adjustments it is a result of processes, sicknesses or things that I have most likely not been aware of that I’ve caused onto my body.

In this I have also reflected how much I take my health for granted and what I’ve now come to define as ‘being at my 100%’ experience where there are no pains, I feel stable and with sufficient energy to do more physically engaging activities.

During the past weeks I definitely wasn’t at my 100% and it became a very unpredictable situation where I did notice that I was kind of going into worry about my physical body, where I also wanted to just ‘be back to normal’ the next day and waking up every day just wanting to feel fine again, strong, stable, without any wobbliness or dizziness and whatnot. Well, that took some time to completely go away and I then had to understand that whatever my body was going through it was part of what I’ve caused onto it, therefore nothing just ‘happens’ out of nowhere, but I’m always the cause of it.

Here then there’s a layer of victimization and so blame towards the body as if my body was ‘causing me’ to not be at that 100% of stability and so becoming an ‘obstacle’ to my usual routine and activities, instead of rather changing that relationship to acknowledging how I am the cause and origin of such physical experiences and realizing that the first thing I can do is focus on remaining stable within me and rather embracing the processes that my body is going through, otherwise within going into an emotional experience of disempowerment, I’d be adding even more strain to the ongoing processes that my body is going through to stabilize itself, which is what it naturally always does by itself.

It also says a lot about my level of self-awareness that I cannot be fully aware of what processes my physical body is going through; meaning we have been so disconnected from ours body/our physicality that we only exist at a very superficial level of our mind, being and body relationship, while the body is in fact the wise one part of ourselves that regulates itself and is automatically living and breathing for us, because just like it was said in that one recording: “If we were transformed into this physical existence, would we have lasted as long?” which is a great quote to understand how the physical itself has been able to survive, adapt, change, evolve in every way possible in spite of what we’ve imposed onto the physical as our bodies, the world, existence… every single particle that we are made of.

So listening to these recordings was very supportive to become more aware of this kind of relationship I’ve built with my body. It also prompted me to acknowledge how I have not yet forgiven myself for all the damage, disruption, attacks and constant ‘cannibalism’ that I’ve imposed onto my physical body in the name of surviving as a demanding and exigent ego that in essence has taken my life and physical body for granted.

I only get to become aware of taking my body for granted whenever I’m sick, where I then compare my sick-state to that of ‘being healthy’ and go into a wallowing in sickness, feeling disempowered, getting irritated, frustrated at ‘the sickness’ feeling like ‘the body is failing at me’ instead of acknowledging how the body is doing its thing in order to get back to stability and how such disease, sickness, discomfort, ailment, problem at a physical body is always accepted and allowed and self-created: there’s truly nothing or no one to blame or victimize myself to.

That’s an empowering and sobering realization considering how ever since I was a little child, I’ve always seen or associated sickness to a weakness, something that prevented me from ‘going to school and missing out one day of activities!’ lol- or currently how it ‘stops me from being productive,’ from ‘following my usual routine’ which indicates also the many times that I would also disregard the physical signs of ‘having to slow down’ because of moving myself/driving myself through the need to ‘be productive all the time’ and ‘push boundaries’ without considering my physical body.

In these past weeks, my physical experience showed me that even if I would have ‘wanted to’ be doing my things at the ‘usual pace’ that I do them, I would not have been able to, I simply couldn’t, which was an interesting experience as well, like a physical ‘slowing down’ which I described in the previous blog.

Currently I see that as a momentary experience that is no longer a constant but more like a state of being I am now aware I can ‘slow myself down to’ in my mind and realize how it’s not that it ‘goes away’ ever, because that’s a physical state of being. It’s more like I have to slow down and step out of my ‘mind-drive’ in order to exist at that ‘slowing down’ mode, which I am now practicing also even while ‘moving fast’ which I was able to try out today after some two weeks of not being able to do so.

This period of time has also assisted me to understand what it means to ‘be with my body, assist my body’ which I had also associated with taking ‘extra’ stuff to assist healing it, but the reality is that I maybe didn’t even need that, I just needed to embrace the physical process it was going through and not become emotional as in being ‘waiting for it to get back to normal’ and getting desperate for that in the meantime… best way I can help is by being stable and let go of my mental exigency over my body.

I’ve had this kind of experiences every now and then where I’ve learned to consider my body and not putting it through a form of strain through wanting to fulfill a routine for example, or over-exerting myself within an idea of ‘needing to exercise’ but, there are times where I’m now seeing how my body indicates ‘hey take it easy’ and I’ve been learning to do so, but I also now have to be ok with the process, with the time it takes to recover, heal, readjust or whatever else it is going through.

Throughout this process of developing self-awareness as the life that I am I’ve realized how much I had a relationship of despotism towards my body, using it more as ‘the vehicle’ to satisfy my mind’s needs and not really fully being ‘with it/as it’ in every step of the way, which yes, is disrespectful and hasn’t been an honorable relationship at all. But, it is not like ‘it’s too late’ to do it either, I’ve got to be gentle with realizing that I am probably for the first time at a conscious level realizing all of these things that I had noticed through walking a physical consequence, but hadn’t yet made such an aware decision to equalize myself to my physical, not only through ‘stopping judgments’ towards it, but more so in understanding its processes, to not judge its ways to ‘figure things out,’ the ways it ‘processes things’ and the way it adjusts after all that I put it through to get back to a relative homeostasis.

This also requires me to be humble in acknowledging that unless I am perfectly aware of how I am producing all of these weaknesses, deficiencies, ‘low phases’ at a physical body level, I can only assist myself by breathing and ‘slowing down’ within me and without, not going into disempowerment, being considerate and genuinely taking things easy, because there’s definitely that ‘itch’ to want to ‘get back to normal’ and it feels like forcing cold muscles to run from the get go, it just doesn’t feel right or the adequate thing to do.

Another point is how I’ve been the kind of person that would be astounded at how other people would speak of being aware of very specific details of what ‘their body likes’ and what ‘sits well with the body’ and I haven’t had such kind of awareness developed or relationship with my body to know exactly what ‘it likes or dislikes,’ to me I believed I required some kind of ‘extra sensibility’ that I seem to not possess, therefore perceiving that there was something that I was ‘missing out’ in that or that there was something ‘flawed’ within my relationship to my body for not being aware of such things.

The reality is that I cannot crave or desire to have the same physical body awareness that other people have developed within their body and lives, we cannot compare that at all and each body/being/mind relationship is unique in itself. So this is another point that I have to let go of, a comparison point in relation to wondering ‘hmm why is my body not letting me know what it likes, or how come ‘they’ are aware of such things in their body and I am not?’ type of comparison, which makes no sense because over time it builds this relationship of further separation towards ‘the body’ instead of realizing that I am already my physical body, it is a part of me that I have to in fact embrace, stop judging as ‘weird’ in its functioning, stop seeing it as ‘weak’ whenever it is going through processes to strengthen itself, to readjust to the changes I am walking through at times at a mind/being level and so be able to pay attention to how I am doing.

An example is not eating complex foods when being in such physical ‘wobbliness’ as I call it, where there are these ups and downs with many symptoms, and also to not become emotional about it, but instead use those moments to be quiet, stable within me, while knowing my body is doing its thing, which requires me to live patience and consideration. It also becomes a humbleness point to see how I cannot take my life for granted, I cannot take my health for granted, I cannot take the next breath for granted.

If there’s something I constantly look at is the fragility of life which at times I deal with in the form of instant imaginations that create some fatal outcome that would end up my life in various situations. I’ve learned to breathe through that and not entertain them, not be ‘impressed’ by it within fear, but simply acknowledging how ‘fragile’ our lives can be and how we cannot have control over everything about ‘our lives,’ which is also humbling.

All in all I’ve been working on learning how to live or stand equal to my body, understanding what that means and for the first time bring ‘my body’ to the forefront and seeing ‘who I am’ towards it, rather than always seeing it as this ‘background thing’ that I’ve used to satisfy whatever I’ve set myself to do/create within the starting point of my mind only. To sum up, it’s about time I create a relationship of honor, regard, respect, appreciation to the organism it is, beyond what I superficially see with my eyes, and until I am able to fully stand one and equal with it in all ways, I walk in humbleness within it/as it. J

 

Thanks for reading

 

Live Drawing 2007

 

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