Tag Archives: neurosis

232. Being Late Makes you Anxious?

 

Anxiety can be made into a ‘mental disorder’ that you then can be prescribed to take some drugs to ‘alleviate’ it according to what psychiatrists can asses in their attempt to only feed drugs to get some money – which is what I am here to suggest you stop opting for and consider that there is a way in which one can support oneself to actively physically participate in tracing back the points wherein one has generated the most anxiety and as such, walk through a process to take Self Responsibility for the anxiety experience.

Here I share my own within a simple event: fearing being late

 

Continuing from:

 

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on the Event that would  instigate quite a lot of anxiety to go out from my house with other people.

(from the previous entry) Event: going out with my parents and sisters and getting ready to leave. My father is waiting for us at the entrance hall looking up the stairs to wait for everyone to come. Women getting ready to leave /fixing hair, clothes, makeup or anything else normal to do when going out, there’s noises of hair dryers, heels, lots of shuffling around and talking. I am near my father and ready to leave  – because I had discussed and realized through an entire mind construct how I was more ‘in tune’ with my father in order to oppose my mother and in a way also being more ‘responsible’ apparently for being ready when the time was here.

Fear Dimension:  Father getting angry for everyone not being on time

-Being like ‘any other woman’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of people getting angry for not being on time in arranged meetings/schedules and within this, generate anxiety to get to a certain place on time while rushing in the physical trying to ‘make it on time’ which is mostly wanting to remain within the personality of ‘being punctual/ on time’ as a positive aspect/ characteristic within me  – wherein if I don’t get to satisfy this characteristic, I go into a negative experience as anxiety and rushing.

 

When and as I see myself rushing to get to a certain place/ meeting ‘on time’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can instead measure in advance the amount of time I will require to be there on time without having to rush and also, if there are any events/ circumstances that are out of my reach to change that cause me to get late somewhere, I realize that I live in a world wherein one is subject to many situations coming up, and as such, I assist and support myself to Breathe through it and continue directing myself to get to the place I had agreed to be at.

Within this, it is to stop any form of fear of losing my ‘reputation’ as being always on time/ punctual and all the self-worth aligned with that as a positive trait. Instead I simply see that arranging a time to meet people/ get somewhere is a practical considerations in our physical reality and getting there – bit earlier or later – is eventually all that matters.

 

‘being like any other woman’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to always be ‘on time’ when going out to avoid being seen like ‘any other woman/ just another woman’ wherein women tend to take more time to get out of the house, which is only a belief based on what I lived within my life experience, without realizing that within this self definition of Not wanting to be like women, I copied what the only male at home would do which is rushing to get out as soon as possible and be always ‘on time’ wherein I then sought to be special/ unique in terms of being a woman and acting like a male – or the male example I had as a reference-  for the purpose of gaining a point of specialness at the eyes of another person.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do something or not do something based on what a  woman would usually do or not do, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only fueling my self definition to be praised by the opposite sex as unique/ special/ unlike any other woman. Thus, I direct myself to simply take the necessary time I require to go out of the house, measure my times in order to get somewhere ‘on time’ as a simple agreement and stop comparing who I am in relation to what others do or don’t do. I ensure I do everything I require to do before leaving the house such as checking water taps, gas keys closed, windows, getting money and the necessary stuff, which I do while breathing and not rushing as I see and realize that there is no need to rush when getting out of the house, I direct myself breath by breath, being aware of the physical.

 

I realize that every time that I have forgotten something at home, has been a result of me not measuring my times and then ending up rushing and missing out to do certain things, taking certain objects/ papers or whatever I require. Thus I stop any form of anxiety formed in relation to ‘going out’ as the constant corrective application of that rush that I had imprinted as a child when ‘going out of the house.’

I commit myself to be here as breath and continue breathing, being aware of my every move done in physical pace when getting ready to go out of the house.

 

Thought Dimension:  father standing on the entrance hall frowning and being quiet but angry inside

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush when getting out of the house due to the fear imprint I created as a child of someone getting angry for not being on time, in this memory my father being angry which would mean he would remain angry all the way till our destination, which I disliked

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to be ‘on time’ out of fear of being scolded for Not being on time or causing another’s anger, which was something that I would blow out of proportion as in being extremely tense whenever that would happen, because of having to be traveling with the angry people, which wasn’t necessarily pleasant.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be complacent when it comes to being on time, based on my fear of actually ‘causing another’s distress and anger’ without realizing that I am in no way able to cause something to another unless they allow and accept themselves to participate within their own emotions. Thus,

When and as I see myself fearing causing anger/ stress in another for not being on time, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have to take responsibility for myself, for being there on the agreed time and that whatever others experience, is their own process to take responsibility for what They are accepting and allowing within themselves.

Obviously in common sense, the best for all point is to be on time so that we are able to direct ourselves in the moment as agreed, which is something that is cool to consider as it facilitates going out with more than one or two people somewhere else.

 

 

Imagination Dimension:
– Positive imagination as a
desire: everyone being always On time as scheduled and going all happy in the car

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush within the desire for everyone to do the same and be absolutely on time which would then cause me a positive experience of ‘happiness’ as well as believing that my father would then be also ‘happy’ which I have linked to my Own happiness and within this making this ‘ideal’ scenario in my mind to obtain through and while I rush in the physical, which means that I am in fact only doing so in order to obtain a positive experience within me, and missing out the physical reality while doing so.

When and as I see myself expecting a ‘perfect scenario’ within a particular event wherein others would also be absolutely ‘on time’ and as such ‘being happy’ to move faster, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this there’s a desire to control situations and physical reality in order to satisfy My idea of perfection- thus I assist and support myself to see and realize how it is that I have programmed myself to make of ‘perfection’ a positive experience according to my own standards, instead of actually grounding myself to Earth wherein there are many others involved in such situations wherein a particular outcome is dependent on each one’s participation.

I realize that I can simply share how things can be smoother/ easier to conduct when we all prepare ourselves to be on time – but, if this can’t be done for any other reason, then I simply breathe through having to wait for others to be ready.

 

Negative imagination as a fear: Having our ‘going out’ trip absolutely ruined, everyone in a bad mood, not talking and having a ‘hysteric’ father at the wheel.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine my father being angry while going out somewhere / someone getting angry with everyone for not being on time within a particular agreed ‘going out’ situation, and use this fear as a fuel to be ‘on time’ which leads to rushing out of fear – thus

 

When and as I see myself rushing to get out of the house/ going out somewhere in order to avoid having to deal with angry people during the trip/going out event, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is only my own self-conditioning based on childhood situations. Thus I breathe to direct myself while getting ready to go out and stick to physical reality while waiting for others and while going out without expecting something good or bad to happen – just breathing here.

 

Backchat:

– Why can’t they just Be On Time as Scheduled?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘Why can’t they just be on time as scheduled?’ wherein I deviate my attention to Others and trying to blame them for someone being angry for not being on time, instead of focusing on myself, my responsibility and ability to be there on time and simply focus on breathing when and if having to wait for others.

When and as I see myself focusing on what others do/ don’t do – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this comparison mechanism is only to feel either ‘good or bad’ about my actions in comparison to others – thus I direct myself to ensure I take responsibility for my actions, my doings and that’s it.

 

– They had to be women!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that women will ‘always’ take longer to leave the house while in fact, the gender is just another cliché point in society, as well as realizing that I am trying to separate myself from ‘being a woman’ as a stereotype, which is the point that I avoided throughout my life for all the various reasons I would see women as ineffective or slow or inaccurate – this all based on the male-example I had at home being the opposite of what I created women to be like.

 

When and as I see myself judging ‘women’ and separating myself from being one due to some trait or action that I have judged as ‘inefficient’/ inaccurate/ slow moving, I stop and I breathe – I focus on myself, my breathing and simply allowing myself to wait without any form of backchat or exasperation about ‘having to wait for others,’ as we live in a physical reality wherein the most we can do is agree to leave at a certain time and give some minutes of tolerance and that’s it.

 

– I am ready, they are Not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I am ready, they are Not,’ which is a self-righteous, superiority type of backchat wherein I want to stand as ‘perfect’ and ‘responsible’ in relation to being on time to go somewhere and getting a positive experience out of thinking what others will say about me being ‘always on time’ only fueling my self definition of being ‘always on time’ as a positive experience that I learned/ acquired from my father.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when being ‘on time’ as a prop for my timely-ego, I stop and I breathe – I simply direct myself to be on time – earlier or a bit later doesn’t matter – and simply physically be there as scheduled. I realize there’s no need t compare myself to who gets there first as life is not a race, but a point of being there/ participating which is what matters.

 

– It’s their fault that my father will now be pissed off, they are the ones to blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘it’s their fault that my father will not be pissed off, they are the ones to blame’ wherein I simply acted out many times the ‘responsible character’ to not make my father/ anyone else angry – such as teachers at school – and within this, flair up my own ‘responsible character’ which stemmed actually out of fear of being the cause of someone’s anger –

 

When and as I see myself doing something out of avoiding to be blamed for possible outcomes that are perceived as ‘negative,’ I stop and I breathe, I realize then that such actions are not self-movement but based upon fear – thus I focus on being here as breath while moving to get to a certain point/ meeting/ agreed timed to leave somewhere, and that anyone creating an experience out of people not being on time is only their own point to walk in self-responsibility, and that there is no one to ‘blame’ in such cases for leaving later – and that instead, certain measures can be taken accordingly.

 

– I am not like them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I am not like them’ which became  a way of being and supporting my ‘specialness’ through opposition toward others at home – in this case the women at home – in order to be in the likes and appreciation of my father because of being ‘like him’ which I considered something that I had to be proud of due to all the positive imprints I have given to my father, without realizing that in this, I created an entire opposition character toward females, my sisters and mother while holding a sense of superiority for ‘not being like them’ apparently, which is only a personality that I cultivated in order to be special/ unique/ superior at the eyes of my father.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create a personality that would be in ‘opposition’ or ‘everything that the other women are not’ in order to be a ‘one of a kind girl’ at the eyes of other people, specially my father and later on in life males toward which I tried to simply not be a ‘cliché’ of what a woman would be like – in this case, taking too long to leave the house wherein even if I would do the same that other women did in terms of ‘getting ready’ to leave, I would rush everything in order to satisfy my own self-religion of ‘not being like other girls/ women.’

When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘on time’ or being responsible as a positive trait within me that defines ‘who I am’ as my ‘unique/ superior/ special character’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that any action that I am doing from the starting point of comparing ‘how I do things’ in relation to others – specifically women – I am doing so from the starting point of ego and not really being here as breath directing myself as self-movement.

 

Thus I commit myself to no matter who I am with or alone, I direct myself as every breath to get things done, wherein I realize that living is not a competition toward women or any other being to remain in a superior position, as that is the inequality that I am participating in my mind. I assist and support myself to simply be self responsible as a common sensical consideration that is lived breath by breath and not fueled by any form of energetic experience.

 

Reactions:

– Negative: Mimicking the impatience, exasperation, building up anger as time goes by, becoming nervous and anxious about the possible outcomes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with extensive nervousness and anxiety when having to get to meeting/ being on time in an agreed meeting wherein I fear not being there on time and as such rushing even more within anxiety, without realizing that this is all just a mind construct of ‘being on time = stress out’ which is not necessary really, if one takes the necessary time to just be on time while moving physically.

 

When and as I see myself even experiencing the slightest anxiety to rush to get somewhere, even if there is no ‘agreed time’ – which has also happened, I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to my destination/ meeting time being physically aware of my body, myself until I get to the destination/ meeting point.

– Positive: pride and responsibility, readiness as in being the only one that’s ready.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of pride as a positive experience out of being ‘responsible’ due to being ‘on time’ and ‘ready’ which is just a point that I created according to being complacent to other’s exigencies wherein ‘being on time’ is seen as a positive experience, and within this sacrificing my own physical body due to such ‘responsibility’ being fueled by extensive nervousness, anxiety, rushing sometimes even being less careful with my physical movements just to ‘get there on time,’ which is compromising myself just to satisfy a mind-desire of ‘being responsible’ and ‘ready’ at all times.

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when getting on time somewhere as a ‘fulfillment’/ satisfaction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is stemming from actually living out the release of the compounded negative experience that fueled my desire to be ‘on time’ as rushing, getting anxious and nervous as fear, which then turns into this apparent ‘positive experience’ when satisfying my ‘goal’ to be on time, which is just the opposite pole of the energy, which means it is also self abusive and not at all a self-directive hereness movement.

I commit myself to be on time within meetings/ situations/ events, and remain here as breath while doing so, waiting for whomever we have to wait for and maybe use the time to speak to someone while doing so in order to focus on my environment and the moment by moment I am here.

 

Physical dimension:

Tensing up my upper chest, experiencing nervousness and anxiety in my solar plexus, stifle myself and move as less as possible  while waiting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a lot of tension in physical body as the result of the amount of anxiety that I would go into when having to ‘be on time’ to go somewhere which is a point I cultivated every single day that I worried to ‘be on time’ to go to school and virtually anywhere else wherein I had to be ‘on time’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be/ become tense, stiffen my entire body wherein I would only be in my mind rushing/ thinking of the future moment of being ‘there’ and throughout this, not even looking at how uncomfortable I was within my physical body due to the extent of nervousness and anxiety I would accept and allow within myself as a result of the thoughts of ‘rushing’ and fearing ‘not being on time’ and be seen as ‘irresponsible.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘breathing was not enough’ when being too anxious because I believed that I simply had to Breathe, but, never understood that the anxiety was a result of my thinking and so, even if I would breathe, it would still ‘be there’ – the stress and discomfort – because I would keep on participating in my thoughts/experience  – therefore

 

When and as I see myself generating anxiety and experiencing discomfort while getting ready to go somewhere/ leaving the house, I stop and I breathe – and the stopping means and implies that I stop participating in the thoughts about rushing and breathe until the energy that has arisen dissipates as I breathe.

 

I commit myself to realize that for all energetic experiences of rushing to stop I have to Stop participating in any form of thought, backchat internal conversation and focus on breathing till such inkling of experience as anxiety dissipates and I remain here breathing, physically, stable.

 

Consequence:

– Me tensing up every time I have to go out, rushing as well to get myself ‘on time’ while fearing that others might be ‘impatiently waiting for me’ or that I will miss something with it, ending up angry at myself for not being ‘perfectly on time’ and as such screwing up my self religion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the thought of people being ‘impatiently waiting for me’ without realizing that it was actually ME being impatient with myself and toward others for not being on time due to this idea of ‘being on time’ as something positive and linked to responsibility, which I would use then judge myself or others for not being on time and or use it as a way to place myself in a ‘superior’ position for being ‘on time.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that being ‘on time’ is a positive trait that generates a positive experience and value ‘who I am’ according to my ability or inability of fulfilling this character, which is only existent in my own mind according to what I gave a positive value to which is being ‘on time’ as positive fulfilling experience.

 

When and as I see myself believing that others will get pissed off if I don’t get somewhere on time or I will be judged as irresponsible, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is only functioning in my own mind according to my own mind construct of responsibility linked to ‘being on time’ as positive experience – thus I direct myself to be here breathing and take the time necessary to be ready, while breathing and getting there to the agreed time while breathing – and so forth throughout the entire day – moment by moment.

 

 

– Building up my self religion of ‘not being like all of the other girls/ women’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an entire character of ‘not being like other women’ as a sense of specialness due to being ‘on time’ or regularly ‘ready’ on time as opposed to women at home that would take a long time getting ready due to all the things that a ‘woman does’ such as hair, makeup, clothes and making it all look perfect which I judged as something superfluous, without realizing that I only created an experience toward it because of actually having wanted to do the same/ be the same, but because of my own predicament of ‘not being like them’ I had to do everything I could to act/ do/ dress/ be the opposite of everything they are, which became the ‘who I am’ as the ‘opposition character’ within my family and later on the world system, trying to get out of the stereotypes, without realizing I simply fueled more the point of trying to be special/ unique/ one of a kind ‘woman’ by opposing other women which only created this sense of ‘specialness’ within me as a self-religion that I fulfilled no matter what, even if I had to compromise myself and my physical stability and for example rushing just to be ‘unlike all other women’ that would make their partners wait for a long time.

 

I forgive myself that I have actually accepted and allowed myself to judge the males for accepting and allowing the females to take a long time and actually be patiently waiting, wherein I would think that they were being over-complacent and not having enough ‘character’ to ask them to be on time, lol, which was only my own mindfuck being projected onto others and their relationships and agreements. Thus

 

When and as I see myself doing things in a way that I believe a woman would not usually be like/ act like/ do in order to be ‘unlike any other women’ and fulfill my ‘I am not like all of the other girls’ character – I stop and I breathe. I focus on doing thing in common sense without having to define myself about it. I focus on the physical reality that I can participate in and direct myself focusing on what I have to do, or simply breathe here without having this constant experience of having to do something or rushing or being anxious about the future.

 

I commit myself to breathe here as the constancy and consistency of my physical body wherein I take time simply as a measure to get things done within a certain time frame as a common sensical agreement with others, yet there is no positive or negative experience out of driving myself physically to be there on time or do things on the required time.

 

I commit myself to actually stick to being ‘on time’ with any other aspects in my reality wherein I see that I have limited this due-time responsibility to meeting other people, but there’s also dead-lines as a point of responsibility to direct which are also part of a common sensical agreement between two or more people to get things done and as such, continue advancing in a certain process and as such, equalizing this ‘being on time’ character to a practical consideration of all tasks and points to fulfill in my physical reality.

 

Within this one can see that if I would go to a doctor and tell them that I experience ‘stress, anxiety, nervousness and fears when having to go out of my house’, I would have probably been diagnosed with some anxiety disorders or even social phobia in order to meet a certain prescription drug that I would be given in order to ‘solve my problem,’ which would be essentially taking drugs to not experience all of the afore mentioned and walked emotions. This is a proof of how we are the ones that created such experiences in the first place and we are the only ones that can assist and support ourselves to take responsibility for what we experience and create practical breathing-living solutions to stop existing as this repetitive life consuming pattern, such as anxiety which is a very common emotion in our day to day living.

Thus I invite you to investigate where you have created the belief that ‘there is something wrong within you’ for experiencing a certain emotion throughout your life, find out where it all begun and assist and support yourself with writing, applying self forgiveness, self corrective application in order to take responsibility and stop all the uncomfortable energetic mind experiences that we believed were a ‘mental disorder,’ without realizing that it was only our participation in the mind that created them all in the first place.

 

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230. Opposing My Roots

Elitist Character: Mental Disorders Hide us From Self Responsibility– Opposing My Roots: It’s my family’s fault! Character – Writing.

Continuing with:

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

 

If I look back at where did I get these emotional imprints from, it’s quite obvious that they stem from our parents and immediate family which is the environment where we shaped ourselves from the very first 7 years of our life, determining ‘who we would be’ for the rest of our lifetime. We are currently aware that no couple of parents are absolutely aware of all the intricacies and considerations that must be regarded when it comes to preparing themselves to have a child and then to also Know How to Educate a Child in order to ensure that this absolutely important process of bringing another life into this world is considered as the most important task any human being can embark themselves on in this life.

I got a very cool reality-check when listening to the Horse Interviews

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse

wherein I realized to what extent we don’t honor each other and the totality of what is here as ourselves, I can say it with words how it was a cold-shock to realize how we are seen by animals as the example of How NOT to do/ be/ become or bring “life” on Earth, and instead how we should learn from them. Hearing the entire explanation certainly made me reconsider everything I had secretly loathed – well, most like openly loathed – about bringing children into this world and essentially, giving birth to new beings.

 

In terms of the development of our emotions and feelings, it’s common to always try and ‘make the baby happy’ and imprinting the reward system with concealments like giving milk to the child so that he can ‘shut up’ – I know I would do that and get it right every time. I learned how to get people’s attention through throwing a tantrum until I was old enough to realize that I was not going to get anywhere if I would continue, and so I stopped. But there were aspects that were ‘normal’ at home with which I grew up with and never investigated why they were so ingrained. I blamed my own ‘apprehension’ at school or the pressure I would have from peers or anything else, but as far as I remember I was quite angry as a child, always desperate, nervous, fearful, irritable and easily annoyed.

 

Throughout this process I’ve worked with aligning and correcting the patterns to get myself to a point of stability wherein I am certainly more ‘Here’ than creating this constant nervousness or apprehension/ worry/ stress that would lead to anxiety.

 

I can see, however, that I had definitive influences from parental figures in terms of adopting ways to deal with situations like: being impatient, angry, yelling out when things would not work, and get even more irritated when someone tried to ‘calm me down’ as I’ve explained in some previous blogs. This single acceptance of me as an ‘angry person’ and a general irateness became part of ‘who I am’ in such a way that it became unnoticeable to me, I truly believed that one had to just go up in flames every time something was not done the right way/my way, or that I could place order and control through exerting anger upon others = instilling fear within them so that I could have a sense of security and confidence over others. This included intimidating my own parents later on and as I’ve explained, I have memories of being 3 years old and already becoming seriously angry-possessed. I of course don’t blame my parents because I am aware of how I simply acquired this way of being, adopted it as ‘who I am’ and became it without a question, I learned how to ‘make others feel bad’ for myself and the moment I would see they would go into this ‘helplessness’ with/ toward me when being in such irate states, I would put even more effort within my own anger-possessions, which is where the entire point of ‘you are crazy’ came up and developed this entire spitefulness mode within me toward… well virtually anything or anyone that would be ‘against’ my way of being/ looking at things or trying to ‘impose’ me anything- yes, authority issues if you call it that.

 

I am aware that my mother would speak with me about these situations, but I just didn’t want to hear because the energy experience was more overwhelming than any form of common sense, and I would only shut up when I was too tired/ drained from throwing tantrums. Now, these points were not that often but, when I would get angry, it was quite hectic.

 

I also remember looking at other kids in the supermarket, crying and throwing a tantrum toward their parents so that the parents would buy them toys, and I would feel as if I was ‘over that,’ already comparing myself to others and basing the ‘who I am’ in relation to other kids, but I would do the same, probably not about getting  a toy or something like that, sometimes I would throw a tantrum just to not have to go and play with other kids. Hence the whole thing of ‘you are not normal!’ (Read:  111. ‘Why aren’t you normal?‘)

and yes, if you hear the Short Fuse Temper interview, you’ll get my life presented in an interview – with some differences but essentially the mechanism is there Life Review – Short Fused Temper Tantrums « EQAFE

 

Now, the memory that comes to mind is my mother calling my father several names indicating he had some type of anger management problems.  Of course I didn’t know what a mental disorder was nor what the words Actually meant, but just hearing her calling him that became an imprint that I was absolutely unaware of I had picked it up at some quantum level, and the words I remember her saying were ‘neurotic’ and ‘hysteric.’ This is an indication of how we actually speak without any form of awareness of how these emotional outbursts could be elevated to a range of ‘mental disorder’ in a soft-blow manner. It’s been actually absolutely cool to walk a mind construct in relation to my father which I partially shared in this blog, and got to know a lot about myself from that, even shared with him about my anger issues discoveries and solutions.

 

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But, going back to the words  I would hear as neurotic, hysteric and others  indicated that there was a problem. I got to be quite aware of diseases from an early age as well as having a grand mother that was sick thought my entire lifetime for various reasons of her tormented life – which I have realized I kind of picked up in relation to this ‘depression’ and self-belittlement as well as the way she lead her life of isolation but at the same time existing in this cry-out for help. Lol, she irritated me a lot, I would irritate her just because I could. I have this memory of going to her house and just being ‘in the mood’ of irritating her and so, she was quite a ‘mess’ in her room and she would always have this entire box with medicines in it, she was always on medication – of which I remember also making fun of  all the meds she’d take as well – and I saw that it all was quite messy and what I did was: grabbed the box and ordered all her pills and medicine containers in what was a ‘perfect manner’ according to me. I wanted to ‘do good’ but at the same time I knew it would somehow piss her off, so, it did. She got quite pissed off and Marlen went into the mode of ‘I will never do anything good for her ever again!’ and so our relationship went on within that vein.

 

I always tried to ‘play funny’ with her because she was always in this irritable state. Hence my dislike for her was mostly a fear of becoming like her and I can see how till this day every time that I want things to get done As I Say, When I Say it is an indication of me playing out my grandmother and as such my mother and somehow my father as well. She was the type of person that played strong to raise her children while my grand father had several other children with other wives, so the entire victimization character and helplessness was coming form there as well as many other points like how to get people’s attention through being sick/ causing conflict in order to have power over others and so forth.

We developed this half-joking way of pissing each other off when we would meet. She would laugh and I would laugh but I can only have some few memories of us having any real conversations, which would mostly be about her memories/ her life/ getting to know her a bit, and that’s the end of our relationship. She died when I wasn’t in this country. I never bothered to go see her grave or anything like that and I see that when I bring her up there’s still some scorn toward her for whatever reasons I have secretly blamed her for, such as causing much distress in my mother, which I then saw as the reason why my other would be possessed and then take it out on us in one way or another. All these constant worrying, being infatuated with things, obsessed, hypochondriac, fearful became aspects that I have played out as well and can identify I would judge of her all the time.

 

Obviously, this is nothing personal since we are all aware we have become our minds through acceptance and allowance and that my point of responsibility is ensure I hold no grudge, idea or belief of ‘them’ doing something ‘onto me,’ but more like Me realizing, seeing and understanding how I accepted and allowed myself to imprint, copy and transfer their personas into myself and play it out, believing this was ‘who I was.’ This became also every clear when I developed an antagonism toward her or any other family member: they are able to show me where I have separated myself from ‘my roots’ through playing the opposite but, in the end, never taken responsibility for it.

 

Another point is that I never went to a psychologist except for one time when I ‘asked for help for my friend’ with my high school’s psychologist and all I can take from her is one vital point. She said ‘who is here asking for help: You or Him?’ – and so it burned my ego out for a moment to realize that I was in fact needing help, but I had refused to do so because of fearing having some form of actual problem, I feared obviously having to be seriously taken as mentally disturbed or having some problem. I don’t know how much I fooled myself within this but, to my eyes even at that time, we all were playing phony characters while inside, when being alone, we all felt equally sad, disgraceful, powerless, ugly, hating ourselves for whatever reason but everyone would just play dumb and happy to create a masquerade, and as much as I would be aware of this, I played along as well pretty much out of fear of having to open myself up to anyone about my experience. That’s one of the reasons I begun writing a lot but, without any form of common sense and actual self support, I would only go round in circles pouring out my emotions and feelings in several notebooks without reaching any form of change, because I was STILL believing myself to be IT.

 

This is how due to the extent that I would hear about people going on medications and having ‘mental disorders’ I simply feared getting that but at the same time made it my personal way of being wherein I would entertain myself with these ‘outrageous thoughts’ and way of looking at life which was also a mechanism to cope with everything that I had deemed as frightening to get to. Which includes fearing eventually going senile and insane and all of the illnesses that would indicate some form of mental disorder. I guess we all have that for that matter when thinking about old age and deterioration of our sanity. So, what’s the way to make peace with it? Turn the fear into a fascination, turn the fear into something  you can have some ‘control over’ apparently – hence my story. I never took a single pill for any form of mental disorder since that was absolutely seen as taking regular drugs by my family. But I never reached out for any form of support to understand my experiences other than equally ‘lost’ friends with whom I created bonds that lead me to only upgrade my self-beliefs. This was so until I got to Desteni.

 

So, this proves how also due to knowledge and information and fear of having to be labeled as depressed or having some form of chronic anxiety (read your Wikipedia it’s the new way of calling ‘neurosis’  “Instead, the disorders once classified as neuroses are now considered anxiety disorders”)

 

I am here walking this process to take responsibility for All the knowledge and information that I imprinted as ‘who I am’ based on environmental/ familial/ peer influence of which we are all affected by even if we ‘like it or not.’ This is one of the reasons why it must be understood that: unless we care for each other as equals and ensure a general Well Being and ‘Mental Health’  in society,  our current social-insanity will still seep through our educational systems, our entire system configuration that is based on a constant process of instilling FEAR instead of ways and support to Live. Hence it is virtually impossible for any person to be absolutely ‘sane’ and ‘normal’ in this  world wherein the very mechanism of how the mind worked was not at all in accordance to living life, but exists as the very Evil / Reverse of Life that we all accepted and allowed ourselves to become. And obviously to make a business out of it is a double mindfuck to say the least.

 

Long story, but will work with it bit by bit as quite a ‘few’ points came up today. How did I get to this? Word in the dictionary: kinsfolk – and so, got to see the points I had deliberately side viewed from my past until now.

 

Within this all we can see how we made a ‘big deal’ out of these emotional experiences in our mind, self created at all times. Equated them to points I had to try and ‘sort out myself’ without knowing I was reinforcing them, instead of ever realizing it was me and my mind participation that can be self corrected. We’ve essentially made a disease of a relationship that was already in no way ‘harmonious’ such as what the mind represents in relationship to the physical body.

And all of this is certainly something to take Self Responsibility for.

— This will continue  with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application on the afore mentioned points

 

 

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Blogs:

DeBA(I)Ting Life (Part 2): DAY 230

Day 230: The White Light and the Legion of Angels – ADC – Part 77

 

Interviews:


229. Not Understanding the Mind leads to Insanity

Self-Addiction to Emotions and Feelings as ‘Who We Are’ = Self Interest

Elitist Character: Mental Disorders Hide us From Self Responsibility – Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

 

 

“the Mind/Energy will ‘fight’ for its Polarities, its relationships, its For/Against definitions, because in this process – it maintains friction/conflict, which is what fuel the existence of the Mind, which is what fuels the existence of this very World System, which fuels the attention-diversion/distraction of the Majority of Humanity to be preoccupied in Polarities, Polarity definitions, fuelling separation “divide and conquer” – while the Minority Elite take the reins of Humanity/life on earth – cause no-one is willing to give-up/let go of their Polarity, their Personality Definitions and actually UNDERSTAND ALL THINGS and align them into and as equal and one Solutions for ALL.” – Sunette Spies*

 

Self Forgiveness on who I shaped myself to be as my emotions and feelings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept the energy of friction and conflict as ‘who I am’ within my mind without realizing that it was a part of me that I believed I had a ‘right’ to exist as, because: it is coming from me, it must be me – and in this abdicate my very first awareness to the thoughts in my mind as ‘who I am’ and ‘what I am,’ and from that moment on, losing any perspective to question my thoughts and experiences coming up in the mind and felt in my physical body, but instead simply continued to believe that this inner experience of friction and conflict had a reason’ to be inside me and such, begin defining ‘who I am’ according to my mind, the nature of my thoughts, how I experienced myself as thoughts, emotions and feelings wherein my attention then centralized and focused on Me, My Mind, How I feel, beginning to neglect the rest of the beings and reality in itself just because of being focused on ‘who I am as the mind,’ missing out even the reality of myself as my own physical body within this mind-mode.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually use and fuel my own self conversations as a form of entertainment and re-assuring that ‘I am this mind,’ because the process of identifying myself ‘as my mind’ became solid as a child and as such, having this be confirmed by people around me when they started to identify me with a certain character like being ‘angry’ or ‘too aloof’ or ‘too conflictive’ or spoiled, which lead me to continue growing up believing that there was a ‘problem’ within me and that I was not normal/ not as other kids because of having this inner-conflict within me of any kind really,  that I could not ‘sort out’ but believe that ‘this is who I am/ I was born like this/ there is no solution’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this friction and conflict is something that defines me and that I would have to bear with the rest of my life, that there was no questions about it and that I would most likely end up like the adults, being able to ignite in extreme anger in one moment and not be able to stop, which indicates how I became aware of emotions as the aspect I resonated more with, which became a point of identification just because of what I had been exposed to in my reality as a child, which then defined ‘who I am’ according to these surges of anger  and distress that I would experience but was not able to solve within myself, therefore accepting these surges of energy as incontrollable/ unstoppable and ‘who I am,’ which is how I have come to accept the totality of the mind as myself without a question.

 

I realize that yes, the mind represents everything that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves from as ‘our nature’ as humanity which is not of harmony or completion or stability or benevolence, but, of actual evil as the reverse of life as all aspects of separation that we accepted and allowed ourselves to become. This is how I realize that I accepted conflict as a ‘problem’ within myself – just as any other human being – and that due to not knowing how others would also experience themselves, I created a point of specialness as in having some form of ‘anomaly’ for having these ups and down experiences which I identified as being actions that only ‘crazy people’ would have/ experience, eventually wearing the tag as a way to justify my inner conflict and even take proud of that because in one way or another, I was justifying my own personality as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ for having this ways of being which I actually fooled/ kid myself to believe I had no control of, when in fact as I review  such moments, I realize I absolutely was aware of what I was doing and how what I did was a deliberate point of causing and instigating conflict within myself as entertainment and others, because it just felt ‘good.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use friction and conflict within me as a point of self-infatuation and entertainment wherein I began only focusing on ‘How I felt’ in every moment wherein I was given the option to ‘feel good’ or ‘feel bad’ and define everything in my life according to likes and dislikes that became points/  aspects of self identification by people in my environment as ‘who I am,’ and within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because people were okay with having things that they like and dislike or specific characteristics/ moods/ preferences, I was able to then do the same and seek the most unique ways to exist in comparison to them, which is how everything that I perceived as ‘normal’ around me, became my standing point to define myself as everything that I would be ‘against’ to, without realizing that it was never ‘Me’ as a physical being living at all, but just existing as a mind that would lead to define oneself according to standing ‘against’ the majority, standing against/ opposing one’s “normal-environment,” only for the purpose to have a way to stand as a ‘different’ or ‘authentic’ personality defined in opposition to others, and in this only fueling and supporting the separation, the friction and conflict that ensued from that moment on in my life,  wherein

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this identification of who I am as the mind, I defined ‘who I am’ according to being ‘the opposite’ to what my family and peers at school represented, and as such, build  my own specialness and security within these definitions at a mind level, which only lead me to every time seek to upgrade my ‘personality’ and preferences, characteristics as a way to not only then antagonize my family or people at school, but the world system in itself in a spiteful mode that I took on toward everything and everyone, without realizing that everything that I spiting at all times was only myself when and while neglecting my very own physical body and the substance that I am as life, using it to power and fuel my  mindfucks, literally, which is unacceptable – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept this culture of ‘personality cultivation’ and creation based on defining me as a particular character with preferences and temperament as all the thoughts, beliefs, ideas and opinions I started creating as ‘my point of view’/ my way of being, without realizing that every single definition that I took on as myself became just another way to define myself As something that would invariably stand within one pole that would create friction/ conflict/ react to the opposite pole as another definition to which I would invariably react to, as I had to somehow ‘defend’ myself as My definition whenever the opposite would present itself in my reality.

I realize that I always had one moment before reacting wherein I would actually decide to ‘role play’ my part and react to that which I was supposed to react to based on my preferences, my personality and that which I defined would make me ‘angry’ or ‘mad’ or happy or sad or excited based on the preferences and personality that I began cultivating as a child as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘fill the character’ that I became by my own apparent ‘will’ to do so, and do, react, say and speak the way that I had built myself to be, do, act and speak like, within this complying to the social norm of becoming a character that is predictable and would react against/ oppose or like that which is defined as the oppostite polarity of myself. Within this also,

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘follow through’ with my own script throughout the years and continue fulfilling the reactive character every time that I was almost expected to ‘fulfill the character,’ which is how I realized that the personalities that I created were mostly  ‘a show’ for others, a way to stand in self-importance, specialness, uniqueness and in that learned to only focus on my self, fulfill myself, react when I was expect to do and never question again this as something that could be stopped, because, I had already ‘gotten married’ with the idea of myself/ gotten too much into character, which then became a Lie I had to follow through with and eventually it integrated fully as ‘who I am’ over the years and that was it. I believed that I could not ‘change me’ and stop participating in the character because of the fear of ‘who would I be without it,’ not realizing that the only thing that fears stopping self definitions is the mind, not who we really as as a physical body that is actually being abused and neglected throughout our developmental processes in the mind wherein we are only focused on cultivating our characters and self-experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the inner conflict experienced would always be with me and that I would grow up to be as angry/ neurotic as the adults I was aware of in the family, and that I would end up being somehow sick and with some form of mental problem or disorder as well as an emotional problem – such as chronic depression or constant worry and stress – without ever really having investigated how this all was just part of me having identified myself with my thoughts, feelings and emotions as ‘who I am’ as well as adopting the ‘ways of being’ from the characters around me in the family/ society, and as such, believing that I had something ‘wrong’ within me because the inner conflict would not go away – hence believing that I was invariably going to have a ‘disease/ sickness/ mental problem’ at a later stage in life – hence

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize to what extent there is ignorance in humanity with regards to the nature of how the mind works, wherein one single energetic experience was perceived as something utterly ‘wrong,’ or a malfunction, anomaly or disease because of how we’ve programmed ourselves to believe that what we see on TV or as the façade of each other as ‘harmonious,’ ‘happy’ and naturally joyful beings was in fact ‘real’ and had to be ‘who we are,’ without realizing it is a masquerade to hide the actual fear, stress, depression that is experienced within, as that is the nature we have all accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become as the mind, fueling this constant belief that we have to ‘keep up with the positive’ while all the time we experience this inner-conflict when participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions that veered toward the opposite and no matter how we categorize our experiences as positive or negative, they all represent a point of conflict which indicates energy which is of the mind and as such, able to be stopped and self corrected as a point of Self Responsibility.

 

I realize that this  ‘incongruence’ of my inner experience and the outer experience I was supposed to present, created a rift within myself believing that ‘there was something wrong with me,’ and this mostly being talked about in the media as mental disorders and being depressed or having low self esteem, being addicted to a form of self-abuse, belittlement and all of that which was considered as a mental problem/ a Grave problem, which I then kept quiet about and kept a well placed façade of ‘everything is fine, I am perfectly normal,’ even within my dissident/ antagonist characters, but ‘normal,’ and such, veering toward other ways to ‘make sense’ of my inner conflict, leading me nowhere but further confusion and relationships that supported this inner conflict, which became the focus on my life, trying to make sense of it through others, through living the lives of others and avoiding looking at my own, becoming friends with and having relationships that I thought I could use as a way to sort out my own inner conflict through others, instead of focusing on my own and within this, only aggravating the inner conflict that I kept for myself all the time, out of fear of actually having to ‘ask for help.’  Within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to label these energetic experiences as ‘mental disorders’ to that are in fact the ‘normal’ workings of the mind within how it  operates and understanding that for that matter, all human beings could be labeled as having some ‘mental disorder’ because The Mind in itself works through friction and conflict that we perceive as our emotions and feelings and thoughts, inner conversations, backchat – therefore there was not going to be in any way a ‘mental health’ or stability possible as long as we would seek only to make people ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ and get their ‘motivation’ back up, which is why and how I always resisted having any support because it seemed to phony to just veer to the positive and ‘be happy’ while the reality that I was witnessing, was nothing but happy for everyone, was nothing but harmonious wherein I would witness a world that was existing in constant fights and problems with money, politicians, poverty, wars and all of this only meaning to me one thing: this world is crazy and so am I, within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of ‘the state of the world’ as a way to justify my experience as being ad hoc to the state of the world – madness, instability, depressio, crisis – hence the entire characterization of ‘the sensitive being’ that reacts to what others apparently would not see, and in this becoming even more self absorbed in my own emotional experiences about the world, linking that to ‘art’ and ending up victimizing myself, believing that ‘there is no way out, it’s the devil’s way now’ which is how I see obviously even the music that I would hear would support this entire ‘depressed’ character not because I was not being supported to live – that’s why it is the elitist character, because I was not suffering a physical life of Lack of money/ health/ poverty or abuse – but I was only focusing on cultivating these emotions and ‘sensitivity’ to the world as a point of self interest, because of having learned how ‘artists were sensible beings’ and I actually made people accept me as ‘different’ due to this so-called ‘sensitivity’ and ‘specialness’ that I built in within myself, getting completely in this character that was probably even ‘allowed’ to be alone, isolated, depressed because of the same character of which I also expected to make a ‘name’ of myself for,  and justify my non-compliance to the system as well as defending my ‘point of view’ to not even attempt to create a change within the system itself – in essence: the ultimate justification to Not stand up for my life and the life of this world in equality.

 

All the time that I only cultivated my personality, my inner conflict, my dissatisfaction with life, my helplessness, my worry, my concern, my sadness toward the world, my depression, my confusion about people, my judgmental experiences of opposition toward ‘the world system,’ my desires to just ‘fly away’ and be out of the system, desires to expose the ‘ugly through something beautiful’ in some form of expression were again only actions, words cultivating a character within me, wherein I was not actually willing to investigate my self-experience, my mind and How I had created it, but only ‘get the most of it’ and making it into an acceptable character in society which is why I veered toward arts/ humanitarian studies and ‘dissed’ my apparent potential to become something else because of getting into this ‘sentimental character’ that was apparently my ‘humane’ aspect to cultivate as ‘my real personality’ – thus

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to cultivate my emotions  in order to be on the side of those that were ‘alive’ and could see the world and be sad about it and depressed and feel ‘misunderstood,’ which became really just another self-interest game where I would only remain as a victim, living in constant drama and this belief of there being something ‘wrong’ within me because of not being ‘happy’ and ‘joyful’ naturally – without realizing that:

I had never in fact understood how the mind functioned and how even if I was addicted to feeling sad, sorry for myself, depressed and victimized all the way, is still the same as fixating on everything that is positive, happy and joyful that I criticized extensively in the past, which proves the ignorance toward our own mind wherein we believe that we are somehow being more ‘responsible’ for being sad/ gloomy/ angry at the world when it is just another way to focus on our own experience and not really at all looking at the world and realizing that there are solutions required that will not be solved with us ‘feeling bad’ about it, that’s just blatant self-interest and an actual defense mechanism to not become a sound being that can stand in the face of reality and take absolute self responsibility for ourselves/ the world here as breath, which is what I have realized within this process: we cannot sustain this self-interested experiences of ups and downs and seeking happiness or being subsumed in depressions- which is the same thing – but actually stop participating in all forms of energetic experiences and focus on integrating ourselves to our physical body here as breath, that does Not require to have a particular ‘stance’ toward the world as an experiencing ourselves to do, be, say and act toward what’s best for all.

 

I commit myself to expose how our energetic fixations of the mind as desires, wants and needs – as well as rejections, denials, suppressions – represent the ‘who we are’ as the mind that functions through energy, which is who we have become as consciousness and within this, exposing how we have diminished ourselves in the physical to these limited characters that fight and define one against the other with no ability to actually create solutions, stand up for that which matters, because we are so busy trying to sort out our inner experiences, without even looking at the consequences that are ensuing from such self-experience as a drug of the mind. And so

 

I commit myself to stop any mind fixation within me either perceived as positive or negative and any participation in the self-definition of who I have been as a point of  preference or habit in order to finally be able to stand as  a sound stable physical being that can be effective to be self directive, self-motivated to establish solutions in this world and stop wallowing in any form of self experience as the result of seeing ‘the state of the world’ as that is only but a mechanism of defense to continue existing as a mind that ‘feels’ and ‘becomes emotional’ but establishes no solutions to the problems we’ve created, which is our responsibility at all times.

 

I commit myself to expose how our ‘mental instability’ is nothing ‘out of this world,’ but the mechanism of how the mind works and for this, realizing that reducing ourselves to have some form of ‘mental instability’ is the ultimate self-incapacitation in order to believe that we are not ‘strong enough’ or ‘good enough’ or ‘capable enough’ to stand up to create solutions in this world.

 

I realize that the moment we focus on our mind problems/ inner experience, we absolutely miss out the reality that is here and this is how it is imperative for all of us to get to a point of constancy and consistency as the stability that we are able to all live by here as Breath, as life in the physical, so that we no longer get distracted by our energy fixes of the mind as ‘problems’ and ‘instabilities’ that are self created just as another attention diversion aspect within our worlds.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is only possible for us people that have enough food to eat, a place to live and education to be focusing on this ‘inner experience’ due to having ‘more time’ to spend wondering in the mind instead of being physically working and participating in activities that are related to actually contributing to life on Earth. This is how depression and any other form of mental instability that can be identified as ‘mental disorder’ hence an apparent  “drug-required disease,” is just another way to make money for the pharmaceutical companies that use this ‘weakness’ within the human mind in a capitalist world to believe that emotions and feelings are a disease that can be controlled or healed with chemicals/drugs, instead of actually investigating one’s life to see how these ‘disorders’ were entirely self created, accepted and allowed and as such take responsibility for them, in order to not only correct oneself in one’s living and physical stability, but also to support establishing conditions in this world through education and the necessary changes in the entire system so that whichever system-deficiency is able to be identified as a problem that propitiates this mental problems, we create a solution for, which implies the implementation of the Equal Money System to ensure that people are no longer subject to a survival mode that feeds this inner conflict of the mind, but instead we are able to focus on re-establishing our living conditions to that which is optimal and supportive to be Living in this world as physical beings and no longer existing of/ as friction and conflict in the mind, feeding each other’s mind-realities and instead, support each other to ground ourselves as the physical, stop living as characters and work together to create a world that is based on life in equality.

 

— I will continue with looking at how these energetic experiences of the mind as emotions and feelings causing inner conflict, were reduced to being ‘mental disorders’ of the mind wherein we made an illness of something that is each individual’s point of self responsibility to correct, stop and align to the physical living wherein the focus must always be to stand as beings that support life in Equality with All – and within this, for once and for all, stop supporting each other’s inner-instabilities as ‘who we are’ and dare to call that a human crisis instead of a human problem caused by ourselves and resolved by ourselves individually.

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Desteni Lite ProcessFree Course of Self Support

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Journey to Life Blogs

 

 

Emotions and Feelings are Self Interest – Stop the Self-Addiction

 

Educate Yourself about How your Mind Operates:

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Interviews to Step out of the Mind and realize the opportunity and responsibility we hold toward ourselves/ each other to create a world that is livable for all:


189. Anger and Irritation upon Procrastination

Consequences – Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and irritation toward myself and ‘the world’ because of my own procrastination and within this, having ‘wasted’ the time that I had when I had it to do this properly and instead, having to now rush things to make them ‘work’  – however I see and realize that I must be very aware of not going into a rushing state wherein I end up doing things just to ‘get them done’ and forgetting about realizing that each thing that I commit myself to do  requires the exact same amount of self-awareness here as breath to do it, and within this, committing myself to not just ‘get things done’ and get the ‘obstacle’ out of the way – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate my life to ‘getting things done’ and seeing the tasks and points that require direction as simple ‘points’ that I have to simply ‘get done and over with it’ without realizing that in this attitude toward my tasks and projects, I am in fact missing out the entire point of the task/ project in itself, which is actually an opportunity for me to slow down, stop seeing life as this series of projects and assignments and instead support me to realize that each and every single task I commit myself to I can take on as long as I am here as breath directing myself in every moment and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the consequential outflow of me now having more tasks to do and having ‘wasted the time’ before, I will have to simply be more strict with myself and my time frames, as I see and realize that if there is this ‘extra thing’ that I have been procrastinating to do, it must be done as soon as possible – and within this equate all things that I have to do appropriately.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the fear of ‘oh fuck I’ll be stuck here for another half year’ without realizing that I am not stuck and I created this for myself – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that any point of pressure and rush is created by me and the relationship I created toward moving to another place and finishing school but at the same time not wanting to simply get the whole thing done with the final paper, which I see and realize that the sabotage is only toward myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger toward myself and within this go into a pessimistic attitude toward it because I will not apparently be able to move in another half year, without realizing that if any consequences have to be faced, I will simply have to face them as they are and as long as it takes because there is no other way within this when one is subject to processes that I have no control over other than doing my part which is getting this document done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get pissed off when things go out of what I have initially considered they would go through/ as,  which implies having created a time frame for some other particular task, without realizing that I should have actually done this one written document long time ago and that it is my responsibility to now ensure that I use every bit of time to get to everything that I have to do, instead of wasting my time getting pissed off and irritated at everything and everyone because of my own dead corpse of procrastination.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience over procrastination as this further anxiety because ‘things are accumulating’ without realizing that I am the only one that is accumulating them as thoughts of what I have to do, instead of just doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others for the decisions made and try and project my own anger and frustration toward me due to not having done the things that I had agreed to do a long time ago.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated because of having had music again the whole fucking day yesterday, wherein I go into a powerless mode because of not being able to go and shut people up so that I can have my peace and quietness to be able to write.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste another day and not write because of considering that the music/ noise from neighbors is absolutely irritating and impossible to write when having that constant sound.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even get irritated at someone arriving home earlier today and within this fearing that the noise will come through the interview and believe that ‘they should not fucking be here’ which is plain control-freak that wants peace and silence in order to please me and my ideals of having a quiet weekend.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with a bad mood today because of things not going as I expected and within this, get irritated at everything, and everyone without considering that I am only acting out and lashing out my own energetic experience of anger and frustration for the accumulated procrastination toward points in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated because of things not being done according to how they were planned and agreed to be done, within this becoming inflexible and irritated because ‘things are not going the way that we decided and agreed to do them,’ without realizing that I am simply using this as an excuse to lash out and project my own irritation because of not having planed my life with my reality-responsibilities in order to be prepared and have everything done by now to then be absolutely ready and steadfast for anything that is required to be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately neglect the consequences that I would have to face in real-time reality based on my procrastination to not get this particular scholar task done and within this, having to postpone everything else that I wanted to do for undefined time in order for me to ensure that I can in fact leave with having everything sorted out.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my own departure based on my own procrastination due to me wanting to leave but at the same time creating deliberate obstacles in my reality that make it impossible for me to leave, even thought everything else is ready and the one that I am only waiting for is myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated at my own deliberate self-sabotage because ‘I knew what I was doing all the way’ and I didn’t stop, which places into perspective the actual Evil that we are and do to ourselves in order to make our lives more complicated simply because of accepting and allowing dishonesty from our side.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss breathing the moment that I simply get knowledge and information as having to ‘rush’ something without considering that any ‘rush’ can only exist as an energetic starting point to do things, which obviously always will carry out a consequences – thus

When and as I see myself rushing to do something and wanting to get it done as fast as possible – I stop and I breathe until I see that I am in fact being here stable and the movement within my physical body is not that of an anxious movement and strain, but is in fact a self-movement here as breath. Within this, realizing that I can only direct one point at a time and that I require to establish a routine that makes it practical and physically possible for me to do every single point every single day – and within this, also not accepting and allowing further manipulation to want to stop doing something to do that other thing, based on preferences or specific values given to one or another task, as I see and realize that that which will become part of my daily schedule, is all equally relevant and important.

 

Within this, I see and realize that the rush that I experienced this morning was because of having an unexpected notice and within this, having my little plans ruined because of believing that I would ‘still have time’ to work on this written project that I have been procrastinating, without realizing that such project should have been done by now and that the only way I will get this done is through simply doing it and stop whining about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of this task this ‘huge’ obstacle in my reality based on and directly proportional to the amount of time I didn’t direct it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the consequences are for myself yes, but also toward everything and all – and that this is actually depending on me and how I am able to stop the energetic experience toward my own procrastination and simply focus on what is required to be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience toward things going ‘out of plan’ without realizing that If I had in fact lived my life according to doing things in the time that I had also ‘planned’ to do, I would not be existing in such an energetic rush and anxiety because this is only the consequential outflow of my own procrastination and deliberate postponement to do things – the consequence is thus me having to simply do all things required without making an experience about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thinking ‘I don’t want to see anyone today’ wherein I am simply wanting to lash out onto people in my reality what I am experiencing within me due to having to face the consequences of what I’ve done, which is unacceptable since that is how I have criticized people as well, when they behave in absolute anger and irritation to people without the other people they are communicating with having anything to do with the person’s mood and personal frustration/ anger/ irritation thus

 

When and as I see myself wanting to lash out and be irritated at people in my environment as a way to show and reveal that ‘I am pissed off at myself’ I stop  and I breathe – I realize that this is actually rather foolish and stupid to do since who we are is already the accumulated and manifested consequence of having wasted our lives and time in entertainment and the feel good experiences of the mind which are now here to be faced as the time that I could have used to work on my task/project/ document, instead of now existing as an energetic experience of anger toward ‘the world’ as a way for me to blame and exert my reactions instead of taking responsibility for them, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even get irritated by the presence of someone at home when it is supposed to be ‘all quiet and empty’ in order to satisfy my desires to have no noise around me, which has become a rather constant point of desire that I will surely have to get to, because it’s being also the source of anger and irritation because of people constantly playing music in the house or in the neighborhood, which makes it impossible for me to record interviews, but at the same time, I see that it is a point of me wanting to control my environment instead of realizing that I have no possibility of doing that, and that if I want absolute silence I then have to wake up in the middle of the night to have a relative silence around.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated at someone cleaning in the house which reveals the absolute nonsensical way of existing as the mind, since I would get pissed off if people do not clean and now I get pissed off because someone is cleaning and ‘making too much noise’ – within this I realize to what extent one can utilize anything, virtually ‘anything’ outside of oneself to blame and project anger toward without a cause but our own self-created experience of anger and irritation that is only existent within ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am becoming my father when it comes to being constantly irritated and angry when things are not working ‘my way’ and be an absolute ‘sweet and loving person’ when things are going my way, which reveals the absolute disparity that I am allowing within myself based on the external environment and how it suits my preferences and desires/needs, instead of seeing and realizing how I have to take responsibility for myself and what I have created within me also as these energetic experiences of anger and irritation according to wanting to control my world and having things always working ‘my way’ and within my desired ‘time frame,’ without realizing that I have already imposed too much of myself as self interest toward my day to day living.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another person as a reflection of myself to justify the anger and irritation as something ‘genetic’ without realizing that I also learned from looking at my father how he would go into anger and frustration and further retaliation toward others whenever things would not go his way, within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration as that surge of energy that I am just waiting to lash out on others, so that others can be aware of me being angry and somehow seek some misery-is-company type of words and attitude as a confirmation to me being ‘right’ in getting angry

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my physical body throughout all of this and that I have not been diligent enough with myself in order to be breathing and Here as I direct points and situations, and that missing out on breath and missing out time and space that I could have used to work on my project is simply no longer here and that the only point I can do is giving it direction along with any other commitment  I have agreed upon doing. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get very sleepy as I write this and want to just shut down and go to sleep, without realizing that this is a defense mechanism in order for me to simply not continue realizing that this has been a key-aspect within my reality: how I have become this replica of what I would see my father do and that would actually bother me quite a bit, which is lashing out anger upon others and not taking self-responsibility for it. Thus

 

When and as I see myself wanting to lash out my anger toward others and not take responsibility for this single moment of preparing myself to ‘present’ myself in a particular way toward another being – I stop and I breathe  I realize that this is the moment wherein I have to ensure that I sort out and deal with my own reactions through self forgiveness and self corrective application as this is the only way wherein I ensure that I stop the abuse that I’ve imposed on myself as my reactions being passed onto others that certainly have nothing to do with it – and even if they did, I realize that I have to work on the point of not getting angry at them as an energetic experience, but simply point out something in common sense and at all times considering not only my own preferences and considerations, but what is best for all and within this, I realize that I cannot ‘know’ what’s best for all when I am existing in an energetic experience in my mind as within that I will only continue doing that which satisfies my energetic experience which  – as evil as it sounds – is wanting to intimidate and make other feel guilty for whatever reason, without realizing that this is certainly not the way to go, as I am only projecting onto others that which I am doing to myself /as myself.

I breathe – here and walk the points as required within Self Responsibility – I stop the blame and anger projected onto anything and anyone in my reality and assist and support myself instead to realize that there is only one solution to this all: just doing what is required to be done.

 

Self Corrective Statements and Self Commitments in the following post.

 

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147. Hissy Fit: Cleaning Demonic Possession

 

Today after listening to the Whale interviews – which supported me to also get back ‘down to Earth’ after getting pissed off at irresponsible situations going on ‘at home’ –  I realized how Thinking is Self Interest even if such interest in this case is getting pissed off and KNOWING IT – and still acting out on it  – furthermore I realized how through thinking we have denied/closed off and diminished ourselves to only see a VERY limited version of our reality, we get stuck on a minute version of what WE are able to see, realize and understand and experience in our minds only, while there’s an entire existence going on in this reality with beings that are far more aware than ourselves about us human beings and this entire existence while we simply decide to annihilate and exterminate animals for whatever reason we might ‘think’ it is appropriate to do so. Wow, really, wow – and all of this I realized after going through one of Marlen’s greatest fears:  finding a house absolutely dirty after I leave for only a week after several months.

1st point: my ‘plans’ were disturbed (pattern of getting out of routine/ expected future projection) the moment that I came in and saw the mess – and decide that I have to clean it up as there is no way I can leave the mess as is for one more second.

– – Thoughts: I cannot possibly let this all remain as is, it is unbelievable, I have to clean it all up

Imagination: this existed as an image that came up during the first hours of the day and future projecting myself being back home, in my ‘work space’ and focusing on my tasks.I was aiming at getting back home early and get back on track to everything that I had to do – instead, I spent hours cleaning and arranging what was ‘my own fear/ nightmare’ in terms of precisely having evading leaving the city for

1. wasting time

2. coming back and finding an entire mess in the house – kitchen specifically as I obviously have no say in people’s rooms

Backchat chart:

  • – I leave and everyone just stops giving a fuck about cleaning at all
  • – this is WHY I don’t like fucking leaving the house, everything turns into a mess when I’m not around here
  • – why can’t THEY take Responsibility for cleaning up after ALL THIS TIME!
  • – It is IMPOSSIBLE that at this stage, they are STILL doing this even though they KNOW it is unacceptable
  • -WHY Can’t they just have a BIT of consideration
  • – And endless coursing that ‘I KNEW’ I was shouting out loud

 

Yes, anger, I have written about it for a long time – and even remembering when I was so surprised when anger was like a point that I had simply covered up with an image of ‘Everything is just fine in the world!’ and when getting to see the actuality of it all, anger emerged – suppressed realization of what I had deliberately neglected/ dismissed in my reality and then deliberately acting upon anger itself. Yes, Deliberately – and this can lead to Who am I as Deliberate acting-out in anger?

What are the physical points within this mind-cleaning-demonic-possession frame of mind within acting out in anger: Grabbing all the dishes piled up on the sink with all the food clogging the tube and tossing them into a wooden box, grabbing the cleaning gloves, sponges, detergent/ cleaning liquid and spilling it all over the stove, tables, sink to start scrubbing away the ‘dirt’ – every spot I would turn my eyes to, I’d find just some other fine mess –  gather all the rotting organic garbage out of the kitchen, take out the trash, grab broom and start sweeping to then mix water and literally throw water on the floor to clean it, all of it while cursing and pushing stuff that would be deliberately ‘standing on my way.’  It’s not the first time that happens and I have ‘vowed’ myself to stop it, however in my mind the self-righteous point of ‘I CAN get angry because there is No responsibility taken’ emerges. The backchat in such moment was actually spoken out loud, and – here comes the point -‘I KNOW/ I KNEW’ that I was doing it, I was ‘perfectly aware of it’ – then, why didn’t I stop? – I have written about self-righteousness when getting angry about abuse, and so I had the opportunity to ask Enlil today about confusion with regards to this righteousness to be angry and the relationship formed when facing any situation of abuse.  Yes, Enlil, Mr. Relationship-formations co-founder of humanity Inc.

Marlen, lol – seems you really want to be/become angry at abuse –

that’s cool, meaning that is a ‘first step’ – but what happens when you get angry is that the abuse wins, because you react – the same as when bullied, for example –

you react in terms of what the bully intended, the bully wins, the system is throwing things at humanity’s face essentially to have you react, cause the moment you react, you’re powerless cause the mind takes over in that moment,

and every time you react – you react, and don’t use the time in-between to stand / establish solutions, everyone is in some way or another angry and always have been, but there come a time when the anger must be transcended, must take a breath, must realise it’s here and must realise it’s going to take time to change and self getting angry about it won’t change it, and doesn’t make self a better person for being angry
 

what does determine self is what you walk to change it in the actions you live

 

the anger, it’s also an interesting point because in a way one rather want to get angry than having to admit to the point that it’s going to take time to change; like we don’t want to go to that realisation that it’s going to take time, there’s nothing one can do about it RIGHT NOW – so it’s a fear of going into that realisation, that it is too late to change it all NOW, and that it’s going to be a process and so we get angry, more at ourselves really and the sense of powerlessness we experience; but you cannot let the anger/powerlessness diminish you

 

– Pointer to look at within this context:  

  • –I Expected ‘them’ to Already Know that they Have to clean/ take the trash out/ leave the kitchen clean before leaving for the weekend
  • – I ‘hoped’ it would happen, I believed that I didn’t have to remind them because I ‘assumed’ that they are aware of what they have to do after (adding more ‘charge to the possession’) 2 years of being living together
  • — I was aware of being angry and deliberately deciding to shout and curse in that moment – who am I within this moment and this split second decision? I take the point of being righteous as the mind and decide to get possessed by the moment, wherein, as Enlil clarified: cause the moment you react, you’re powerless cause the mind takes over in that moment, and this justified from the self-righteous desire to say: “It is Unbelievable that they Still haven’t gotten the point, they can’t be self-responsible about their own shit”

 

What do we have? Anger projected at others within the realization that I in fact ‘expected’ others to act/ be / do what I expected them to do, realizing that after ‘all this time’ they haven’t changed and still require policeman in the head to change – believing that because we’ve had confrontations about the same cleaning thing in the past, they would ‘learn’ from it and change, meaning: this time ensuring they do take care of their own stuff while I’m not at home – Believing that we have ‘matured’ our relationship as house mates and they were ‘doing better’ now – in terms of being more considerate – Believing that 2 years would be enough to change an entire lifetime of personal habits of cleaning just because of ‘being living here’  –  believing that they would read notes on the wall of what to do and what not to do, not realizing we as humanity have done all of this and taken it to the next level of negligence, sometimes or the majority of the times.

 

And if I actually look at it from the perspective Enlil shared here, it was me in fact feeling ‘powerless’ because they were not at home for me to exert my anger onto them and shout in from of their face – as I write I realize that I am trying to bring up other points like them leaving the door  of the house open in order for me to get some condescending readers about this, but no. I realized  how I was angry at myself for having expected the house to be a particular way – not meeting my expectations that were also a possibility to turn into a fear and so, some equations took place and I reacted to this point/ event that could have been the outflow.

 

Being Self-Honest, I was in fact angry at me getting angry at the exact same type of situations I thought I was ‘transcended’ or not as ‘reactive’ as before – however, I still went into it, I ‘did it anyway’ and as such, this deliberate acts have consequences for not having actually breathed through it and simply direct myself to still clean up everything as I had realized I would from the get go . My body hurts in various spots as I realize that any little strain it is as painful as having run a marathon in a matter of hours.

And if we look at the points wherein I am projecting blame on to others, it is in fact the exact same points we ALL do. I ‘know’ I should stop, but I ‘gave into’ the anger anyways – and it is a point that I see and realize is not to be further judged, but realized as a simple way to reflect how everything that we judge about others is in fact what I am doing within myself.

I also realize I can only react to such an extent if I have in fact accumulated negative energy-experiences as thoughts that I can only exert as a point of accumulation triggered by apparent ‘external factors.’ I see that in the moment that I saw the overflowing pile of dishes, I ‘made the decision’ to become possessed in anger – and it’s is a fuckup, yes but I am also seeing how it works, and this is also thanks to the  Quantum Mind Self Awareness interviews to see how we in fact do have a moment to decide who and what we decide to be and exist as in every moment: breath or a mind-possession taking over.

Thinking, becoming emotional, and justifying anger is still of the mind as only a mind can react according to its own parameters of what is dirty, what is abuse, what is ‘too much’ based on memory – so, it’s to remember:

the anger must be transcended, must take a breath, must realise it’s here and must realise it’s going to take time to change and self getting angry about it won’t change it, and doesn’t make self a better person for being angry

 

So, I’ll be walking the various points here now that I’ve laid out the plot, the spoiler and placed the point into perspective to see where and how shoving away our thoughts can also create an accumulation that awaits to be exerted at the least ‘provocation’ –

Is it really necessary to live this way? No, it is not living, it is only reacting as expected based on patterns – who do I decide to be: a predictable pattern or a physical body that decides to walk the points – any point – as breath?

I Choose Life. Self Responsibility at all times

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MUST Read Blogs

to Understand who we are as the Mind, what we have done As the mind and our commitment to stop continuing this reality as is due to our accepted and allowed participation:

Ever wondered what Real Enlightenment can be? I discovered it today, the most humbling interviews are the ones directed by the Animal Kingdom at Eqafe, revealing ourselves how little-to-nothing do we in fact ‘know’ about ourselves – time to realize what is real, fellow humans:

A humbling series of explanations about LIFE, the animal kingdom, marine biology and human communication – this is the first seAssion with the whales and all you’ll end up realizing is how on Earth could we ever claim any form of ‘scientific evolution’ or human evolution for that matter while disregarding the beings that are in fact Aware of themselves as this entire existence – and what are we human beings doing onto them? We all know – Time to OPEN OUR EYES and Educate ourselves with something that has Never ever been shared in the history of humanity, it’s about time we HEAR what we never even ‘thought’ would be possible.


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