Doomsday Character making the decisions for me.
Once that an apparent ‘choice’ is made and you decide to walk it: there’s no turning back. You face the consequences because, you decided to walk it for yourself.
Here I expose how I started creating excuses to not be absolutely self-directive in my career choice due to and because of still holding beliefs about the future, and specifically, 2012. I have exposed this point in the 2012 Death and Destruction post – however, this time is to expose the specific self-talk I used in relation to my career as a way to not have to actually direct myself to create a stable and self-directive future within the world system. I instead used the ‘art career’ as a way to only ‘get by’ in what I thought was ‘in the meantime’ of some major catastrophe/ end of the world scenario would take place.
I am writing this here, middle of 2012 and the sheer look at the backchat that I held for such a long time about 2012 as ‘the End’ seems laughable, however I did use it in ‘real life’ to make decisions. I mean, how far can we lead ourselves to when existing as Hope and in a general sense of uselessness to see no point in being/ becoming absolutely self-directive and self-responsible, just because of thinking that ‘I am going to die anyways.’
Let’s look at this character
Pattern: Future projection based on a belief of ‘the end of the world’ used as a means to not take absolute self-responsibility and self direction for myself toward a best for all outcome.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the year 2012 as an excuse to study something that I could ‘at least’ have some fun with while waiting for ‘the world to end’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life based on what I thought was going to be ‘the end of the world’ and it matching it with it being ‘the last year of my career at school’ wherein I thought that the world was going to be in severe problems/ the shit would be extremely hitting the fan by ‘then’/now, and that there was no point in “killing myself” to study a career to have a ‘promissory future’ of success and money, if we were all going to die anyways.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to base my entire life upon a belief of ‘the end,’ and make decisions according to what I believed was ‘a certainty,’ without realizing that I was not even aware of myself breathing and that I cannot even take the next breath for granted – thus I realize how massively deluded I was and how I programmed myself from a very young age to only ‘live up to’ the very last year of ‘the end of the world’ as 2012.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make this decision the day that I watched all the conspiracy theories and the end of days prophecies in Discovery Channel when I was around 9 years old, and from that moment on imprint this belief within me as a certainty, which is how I built my fascination for ‘death and destruction’ as a certainty in this world, becoming the character that gets a kick out of everything that points out to ‘death and destruction,’ just because of this validating and reinforcing my belief on 2012 being ‘the end of the world,’ validating my excuses and justifications to not walk a life that will ‘last for long’ anyways.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘Why should I ‘kill myself’ within walking some extremely difficult career to secure a future if we are all going to die anyways?’ and accordingly make decisions in my life, believing that I was really living ‘the last days.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make the type of art that would depict the belief of ‘the end of days’ simply because I could not see any other future for the Earth, without realizing that in doing so, I was already giving up and seeing ‘no way out’ – never realizing how I was in fact making essential decisions within my life based on a lie/belief that I had in no way a proof or certainty of. And, even if it was ‘real’ in such case, the single decision to find the way to make the ‘least effort’ was absolutely unacceptable as within this starting point of seeing everything in the future as ‘useless,’ I was already dooming my decision to fail, because I was not directing myself within the starting point of living/ directing myself to support myself to live, but I made the decision from the ‘doomsday character’ that was only getting ready to die.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘At least I will study that which ‘I’ wanted to study’ which is the spitefulness that I based my entire decision of studying art upon, not realizing that the backlash of me making decisions based on spitefulness – such as going ‘against the tide’ as I’ve described previously – and wanting to ‘escape the system’– would eventually hit back to me, because it was never an informed decision, but more of an infatuation-based decision which implies that, just like when you get yourself in a relationship based on the idea of love, I got into art school while ‘being in love’ with art, but not really considering the practicality of me walking it as an actual career throughout my life.
Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in life based on preference/ like and infatuation leading to an obsession that I would justify and excuse, in every possible way, just like a religious person defending their faith – which is how I would shut off anyone sharing further perspectives about me ‘studying art’ and what I had to consider in practical living reality, but because I was so blinded by my desire, I did not hear and went for it by mere desire to fulfill my dream.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take ‘my career’ as ‘my battle won against the system’ which implied my own family, the expectations that I believed and perceived everyone had about me studying some type of scientific/ mathematical career with a bright future ahead – but instead in my desire to ‘spite everyone’s expectations on me,’ I went for that which I thought would not be so consuming and draining to go through, believing that ‘my mission in life was something greater,’ and that there was no career for that. Besides of justifying this career choice in an almost imminent end of the world scenario that I believed was going to happen in 2012.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even plan my future based on only having 6 years left of life, when I began my career, which reveals to what extent I was possessed by belief s and ideas of “the end of the world,” speaking self-righteously about it with people almost as if I had seen it for myself coming.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, within this apparent ‘certainty,’ also hold the fear of ‘What if nothing happens?’ which I would immediately hide and suppress by continuing talking myself into the ‘doomsday scenario,’ so that I did not have to face my reality, my choices in life and the decisions I had made based on a blatant belief, immediately talking myself into the next greatest way to ‘suppress’ the actual self-responsible realization with ‘Then, I’ll find a way’ which is how I tend to lead my life based on a ‘miracle-based future,’ wherein I expect things to ‘happen’ to me instead of me being the directive principle in every moment of my existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the character and pattern of ‘leaving things just be’ and within that, abdicating all my self-responsible directions in life to a consequential outflow that I had ‘faith’ was already ‘laid out for me in a positive manner,’ which was all pretty much based on beliefs in life paths, reincarnation, astrology and everything that I could use to see myself as a pattern that had a certain future of success.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my decision in life because of not seeing myself in ‘survival mode’ wherein I would use the backchat ‘It’s not like I’m going to starve to death or something’ as a way to not worry about myself and my future, just because of using my family/ parents as a ‘backup’ in financial terms, wherein I believed that ‘if everything goes wrong = I at least have my parents to back me up for it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a laxity about the future based on me not being existing in a survival mode, wherein money is ‘not a problem’ and believing that no matter what, I would always have someone to support me – this I used to validate my career choice as ‘acceptable,’ because of not having to worry if I didn’t make it, because I would not apparently ever end up with no money at all, just because of trusting that I would always be supported by my family.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my own self-responsibility in life toward my parents/ family being this ‘security’ in financial terms, wherein I knew that it would not matter if I was not ‘immediately successful,’ but that I would ‘make it somehow’ which was me projecting myself into the future as Hope, as ‘hoping’ that I would somehow ‘put my shit together and hit the jackpot’ in the artworld.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘Why should I even project myself in a future and plan it out if we are all going to die anyways’ – which is the perfect excuse that I used to not have to be self-directive in every single step and decision I took in life, leaving it all to an imminent future that I would then have to simply ‘cope with,’ without really considering the consequential outflow of my decisions and the future as to realizing what can I do/ how can I practically direct myself to place myself in a position in the world system wherein I can ensure I can support myself no matter what.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘I’d rather ‘live in the moment and let all the woes of the future behind’ which was just me talking to myself into a state of laxity about my life, my decisions, my career and future based on this belief of ‘there’s nothing we can do, the end is imminent’ which was a statement of ‘I am only waiting to die’ which is exactly how I was living in the past, based on beliefs and ideas of ‘the end of the world,’ but also for the experience of finally ‘resting in peace’ from this world, as the final dot that I connected the belief of death to sentence ourselves to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how this ‘desire to die’ and for everything to end was also a character so that I didn’t have to be actually directing myself to construct a platform and foundation for myself and my future, but instead simply become this person that ‘surrenders to whatever comes,’ which is how spirituality influenced my life without me even being aware of it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘surrender’ to the future by thinking that ‘There’s nothing I can do to stop it (the end) if it’s already written how it ill be” which became a comfortable thought I could resort to whenever fear, anxiety and nervousness about myself and my future would emerge.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should rather ‘enjoy life and live to the fullest in the time left’ which is how I allowed myself to go deep into pointless habits and a general self-deprecation toward myself, the world and my own relationships that were based on the support of this view on the world, so that I would not have to worry about actually considering solutions to myself, the world as myself and stand up from such doomsday scenario playing in my head; Instead I used people, images, beliefs and the witnessing of reality as a way to confirm that ‘I was right about the end of the world’ and that it was visible at plain sight we were on our way toward it.
I realize that even till this day, the atrocities, abuse and absolute mayhem we Are witnessing in the world are still linked to my belief of ‘the world is gonna end soon’ which I have stopped, but has remained as a way to ‘hinder’ my ability to see myself in the future, just because of thinking that this world is way too fucked up to be corrected. Thus I realize that within seeing ‘the world’ as a big massive self-destructive picture, I get this anxiety and hopelessness experience toward it which is the character that I have played throughout my life in order to ‘give up’ before even starting in walking myself as being the solution that we require in this world.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘at least art was a cool past-time for my ‘last days’ lol, which is how I would talk myself into convincing me that I had made the right choice because everything was going to ‘go to hell’ anyways, yet also believe that in the end, everything would always be ‘just fine,’ so that I would make of ‘the end’ this nice picture in my head instead of imagining all the suffering that would ensue with it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the epitome of laxity and uselessness toward myself as my own life, my career choice, my decisions, my relationships wherein all that I was supporting was the ‘doomsday character’ as a way to simply get-by the last days of Earth, envisioning myself spending my ‘last days’ in a happy-future-projected artistic outcome instead of ‘killing myself’ in some ‘serious career’ which I is how I had defined any other non artistic career to be.
I realize that all decisions based on a belief were meant to end up failing because they were never based on the consideration of what is best for all life, what is best for myself, how do I really want to live and experience myself in the world wherein I am not pursuing a dream, but an actual self-development process that could lead me to become the solution that I saw this world required. I accepted and allowed myself to get lost in beliefs and be consumed by actual fears of having to face myself and my future, justifying my laxity with an ‘end of the world’ scenario that obviously is and will not happen, which is how I am walking the process of taking the ‘wheel’ of my life for the very first time, ensuring that every decision I make is based on the consideration of that which I see will be beneficial for all equally, wherein I can really see myself doing something that is of support to establish a world in Equality as Life.
Fire Burns Me Down (2004)
Self Corrective Statements:
When and as I see myself going into a ‘laxity’ and ‘uselessness’ mode about myself and my future, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is the consequence of me having based my life on a belief of ‘the end of the world’ wherein nothing would ‘really matter.’ Thus I direct myself to ensure that I walk the moment asserting myself as that which I am willing to be/ live as in every moment that I take responsibility for what I say, do and think within the consideration of what I participate in being directed to an outcome that is supportive for myself and others to live.
When and as I see myself going into a future projection of this world being ‘doomed’ -I stop and I breathe – I realize the projection for the comfortable lie that I used to hold as to justify my apparent ‘inability’ to direct myself effectively in the world system – thus I take self-responsibility to face the moment that I am here and stop any mind-shift and continue breathing to make practical decisions based on the point that I am facing within my world and reality.
When and as I see myself thinking that ‘something will sort itself out in the future,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve used this thinking pattern as a way to not have to practically and physically direct myself to walk the steps necessary to walk something into completion. This implies that I ensure I walk point by point of one single future-projected plan by taking all aspects and participants into consideration based on the principle of what is best for all, wherein I ensure my participation is stemming from the actual self-correction of taking self-responsibility for my life and that of others as myself.
When and as I see myself using the excuse of ‘we’re all going to die anyways’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this thinking pattern is a way for me to ‘step out ‘of my immediate responsibility from whatever I am facing in that moment. Thus I direct myself to instead ensure that every moment that I am here, I breathe and I direct myself within an understanding that living is every moment of breath here and not some ‘achievement’ to get to far away in the future. Thus I take responsibility for myself in the moment and ensure I make all decisions based on creating a life for myself and others as what’s best for all in a physical possibility.
When and as I see myself accessing a desire to ‘die’ whenever I face a seemingly impossible point in my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that death in my mind is equal to giving up, which is just a tantrum-based character that I’ve used as a way to justify my actual lack of self-direction in everything I do wherein Death is a comfortable belief of ‘resting in peace’ so that I don’t have practically learn how to live and become self-directive in my world. Thus I ensure that I direct myself in every breath to live here, moment by moment integrating myself as the physical that is and directs itself to a best for all existence.
When and as I see myself believing that I will always have some ‘support’ by family as a way to not take responsibility for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize the comfort of such belief/ idea being used by me to not take responsibility for my life. Thus I ensure that I stand for and by myself and my own means to not depend on someone else to ‘have a secured life’ in my reality.
When and as I see my entire life being seemingly ‘pointless’ and ‘meaningless’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the most common excuse to not take responsibility for myself. I realize that I am here, I am not going anywhere and that what I must do is support myself to establish myself here as life, self-directive, ensuring that every decision made, every word spoken, every thought is self-directed to walk the necessary process to establish a change within me and the world that leads to a best for all outcome, wherein I realize that all excuses are only fears and limitations that have no place to exist in and as who I am as breath.
“I commit myself to show that the Only real Self is the Flesh that Breathes and Makes the Experience in Matter possible, and that the Flesh is the Real Man that is Meant with = “Man Know Thyself” – Bernard Poolman
At the end of the tunnel (2009)
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The Death and Destruction Character
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