Tag Archives: obsession

257. A Piece of Heaven at the Expense of Life

Why do people turn to drugs? There is a definitive reason that cause all the dimensions that play a role  in our current Drug Culture as either cause/effect,  but a common thing is definitely the root and cause of WHY people turn to drugs. We all know the usual things, for example: to escape from oneself, to hide, to run away from the mind, to stop the abhorrent self-experience, to avoid taking responsibility for one’s life and relationships, self-loathing, etc. – but, have we asked why do we have these problems? One can say: family problems, relationship problems, issues with one’s ‘flawed self,’ physical issues, lack of self esteem, heritage, cultural trends, traditions, religions, survivalism in clans/ mafias/ brotherhoods, spiritual beliefs, shamanism, environmental contingencies, availability of narcotics due to associations/ alliances, legal drugs due to psychological conditions, and the list may go on – However, behind all of this one must see one common thing: human conditions that have lead to all of these problems/ issues/ separations and sectarianism that stems from a basic problem in our society: a lack of support for all living beings to have a dignified living that creates a proper environmental condition where All beings would be able to live without having to worry about not making it through the next day, not having to tolerate the injustice and abuse that is accepted and allowed within a system that only caters for some– that’s it. 

 

And that’s what we know in common sense and what can also be watched in all the various documentaries* about drugs that are affecting our societies wherein there is simply an absolute boredom, menial jobs for the working class – or no job opportunities at all – and a general dissociation from wanting to have anything to do with a ‘shitty world/ shitty system that doesn’t give a fuck about life!’ hence turning to have an alternate reality where ‘everything is fine, a heaven in one’s mind for a moment, a harmful  momentary high that turns into a lethal habit that leads to a living condition that is mostly deplorable in most of the cases, as well as leading to any other ‘sudden deaths’ out of the usual ODs and other negligence  that stems from lacking any form of precaution when ingesting/ inhaling/injecting/smoking a drug. It is even common to have people that do this on a regular basis become ‘icons’ in our society, our ‘role models’ which can already point out what type of ‘human quality’ we’ve become fanatics of.

 

It is also interesting how drug-culture became mainstream to a point now wherein one can watch a “music video” and there’s people smoking weed, one can watch a movie and get all the specifics on how people shoot themselves heroin and even all the withdrawal processes in a explicit manner, like in Trainspotting which is probably one of the most popular and obliged reference about drugs for many people that even learned how to do drugs through watching the movie.  I will tell more about that in following posts.

 

The reason why this is an important topic is because drugs as any other form of escapism, represents the aspect we hold on to the most, as it is a self-created intricate relationship we form with only Experience as an Energetic physical experience induced by chemicals in the physical body – the reason why I find it so important to expose is because it’s ubiquitous nowadays for people to be aware of all types of drugs and ways to get high or even self-harm to get a moment of absolute adrenaline –rush/drug of the mind . That’s becoming a children’s game  and I’m referring to what I became aware of today as the salt and ice challenge – I mean, this is how kids age 10 or even less can get used to having a way to get this absolute pain and fear that are the most ‘powerful’ self-experiences created at a mind level when inducing pain along with the ‘challenge’ aspect – where kids will mostly broadcast themselves doing so to ‘prove’ to others they are able to ‘handle it,’ and what mostly happens is kids then will turn to seek for more ‘intense experiences’ like that. Even our words and vocabulary is pointing out blatantly what it is that we are inducing within ourselves: that was Intense! all energy based, and if you’ve been reading these series, you would be aware by now of how energy operates within the physical body through consciousness as a system that we believe is ‘who we really are,’ which is comprised of all our thoughts, emotions and feelings that we whole-heartedly have believed is ‘what living is for’ and if not.

 

This Grave mistake of identifying ourselves with all the drama, excitement and high-intensity of any self-experience is what is mostly leading us to an actual death wherein we disregard actual life/living just for a ‘little piece of heaven.’

And this is what’s leading humanity to a certain end if a single pattern of addiction continues without any definitive decision to STOP.

 

Please read the series to catch up to this point:

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

 

 

I had made a pause in these series due to the impending ‘doomsday’ that I decided to write about due to my inherent responsibility in having participated pretty much in that type of doom-mentality or gloomy-self-experience as we’ve called it – and what is left is pretty much ourselves, having to face what we have become and as such, take the wheel of our reality in all levels, in all ways and have a look at how we’ve become what we’ve become, which is also another form of escapism through the mind to evade the responsibility we all have here.

 

Drug Culture is quite a common topic virtually everywhere in the world, no matter if it’s a high-energy-hyped society like many places in Europe and America or a third world/ poor country in Africa, or under developed regions like South America – everyone’s got the same ‘epidemic’ which is drugs which includes alcoholism as main problems that maim  the ability for any being to realize and take self responsibility, because drugs imply one single point: a giving up experience that is now turned into an addiction, a need, a fascination and obsession wherein people are literally willing to give all their money, all their life just for one single initial ‘rush’ that any drug can give them. While observing this, it is impossible to not create a parallel to what we understand now of how the mind works, wherein we create our own fixations in order to fuel and satisfy this idea of ourselves that we’ve simply copied, absorbed and ‘become/ embodied’ without a question, and that includes addictive patterns of seeking this ‘greatness’ as an energetic experience that is able to be obtained with drugs, pretty much flushing your entire life down the toilette for a single self belief of you being ‘perfectly fine/ in control / able to quit any time and all of the people that have been severely enrolled in hardcore addictions mostly find it very hard if not impossible to actually live out that belief of being able to stop and quit at any time.

 

That is One single dimension of the addiction: the energetic experience that we are familiar with the moment we accept emotions and feelings as ‘who we are’ and what drugs do is an overall enhancement of this relationship within the ‘who we are’ as the mind, which implies that we are completely hooked on absolute self abuse, since any energetic experience  – as anything that requires energy – is not ‘for free,’ it is an actual process of consumption of the very physical tissue/ fabric that provides the necessary resources for any drug to function properly – this is why the deterioration of the physical takes place in drug addicts/ consumers – among other various dimensions that involve the living conditions that hard-core long-time addicts end up living in or are born in, which is also another aspect that leads to drugs – all in all: stems from lacking actual living support in all ways to live in a sound and healthy environment where life could be actually honored = hence it is a matter of Collective Responsibility, since we are all responsible for continuing fueling a system that is not providing a sound environment for us to develop our expression to our utmost potential.

 

The purpose of these blogs will be to point out main factors that lead to drug consumption, the reasons behind that and how to support oneself to Prevent drug-addictions, referencing the usual ways in which one picks up this belief of drugs being the ‘greatest thing ever’ as well as gathering enough strength to realize there IS a solution to this world, there IS a way to support ourselves to stop seeking to ESCape from reality and instead, sober up and stand up to support the actual change we all dreamed of, it’s in our hands, so we must clean our act before we can establish ourselves in the actual world we have all wanted to live in, and within this, also paving the way for the children to come and ensure they do have the absolute opportunities  to Live and express themselves, and never again resort to any form of escapism through the mind to manifest a self-abusive ‘heaven’ in the mind.

 

Erroneously – those that Profess to be ‘Souls’, will Claim that the Body of Flesh is a temporary Illusion. And they would base it on the Experience they Generate through Mind Systems, which Follows the Design of the System where: the Search for Meaning and Reason, would Follow through the Combination of Predesigned Platonic Solids as Key Parts to Systems that produce Energy and Visual Input which the Person Align with, So Intensely that they Believe that it is Real, and they Disregard the Simple Reality of a Breath and Food and Bodily Functions that Keeps them Alive.
In this, these ‘Souls’ End-up Acting like Vampires in the Physical Reality, Seeking to Consume everything in their Path for the Self-Interest of the ‘Feeling’ that Produce, according to them, the ‘Experience of Happiness’. The fact that this ‘Happiness’ is Produced at the Cost of the Suffering of Uncountable Living Beings – Simply is Ignored or Seen as ‘Collateral Damage’ of an Illusion that will ‘Suddenly, Magically’ Disappear.”  – Bernard Poolman +

 

Self Support to Begin your Journey to Life is Here:

 

Blogs:

 

Interviews:

 

Documentaries/ Videos suggested that present the context of what Drug Culture implies– Viewers discretion suggested: NSFW

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229. Not Understanding the Mind leads to Insanity

Self-Addiction to Emotions and Feelings as ‘Who We Are’ = Self Interest

Elitist Character: Mental Disorders Hide us From Self Responsibility – Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

 

 

“the Mind/Energy will ‘fight’ for its Polarities, its relationships, its For/Against definitions, because in this process – it maintains friction/conflict, which is what fuel the existence of the Mind, which is what fuels the existence of this very World System, which fuels the attention-diversion/distraction of the Majority of Humanity to be preoccupied in Polarities, Polarity definitions, fuelling separation “divide and conquer” – while the Minority Elite take the reins of Humanity/life on earth – cause no-one is willing to give-up/let go of their Polarity, their Personality Definitions and actually UNDERSTAND ALL THINGS and align them into and as equal and one Solutions for ALL.” – Sunette Spies*

 

Self Forgiveness on who I shaped myself to be as my emotions and feelings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept the energy of friction and conflict as ‘who I am’ within my mind without realizing that it was a part of me that I believed I had a ‘right’ to exist as, because: it is coming from me, it must be me – and in this abdicate my very first awareness to the thoughts in my mind as ‘who I am’ and ‘what I am,’ and from that moment on, losing any perspective to question my thoughts and experiences coming up in the mind and felt in my physical body, but instead simply continued to believe that this inner experience of friction and conflict had a reason’ to be inside me and such, begin defining ‘who I am’ according to my mind, the nature of my thoughts, how I experienced myself as thoughts, emotions and feelings wherein my attention then centralized and focused on Me, My Mind, How I feel, beginning to neglect the rest of the beings and reality in itself just because of being focused on ‘who I am as the mind,’ missing out even the reality of myself as my own physical body within this mind-mode.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually use and fuel my own self conversations as a form of entertainment and re-assuring that ‘I am this mind,’ because the process of identifying myself ‘as my mind’ became solid as a child and as such, having this be confirmed by people around me when they started to identify me with a certain character like being ‘angry’ or ‘too aloof’ or ‘too conflictive’ or spoiled, which lead me to continue growing up believing that there was a ‘problem’ within me and that I was not normal/ not as other kids because of having this inner-conflict within me of any kind really,  that I could not ‘sort out’ but believe that ‘this is who I am/ I was born like this/ there is no solution’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this friction and conflict is something that defines me and that I would have to bear with the rest of my life, that there was no questions about it and that I would most likely end up like the adults, being able to ignite in extreme anger in one moment and not be able to stop, which indicates how I became aware of emotions as the aspect I resonated more with, which became a point of identification just because of what I had been exposed to in my reality as a child, which then defined ‘who I am’ according to these surges of anger  and distress that I would experience but was not able to solve within myself, therefore accepting these surges of energy as incontrollable/ unstoppable and ‘who I am,’ which is how I have come to accept the totality of the mind as myself without a question.

 

I realize that yes, the mind represents everything that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves from as ‘our nature’ as humanity which is not of harmony or completion or stability or benevolence, but, of actual evil as the reverse of life as all aspects of separation that we accepted and allowed ourselves to become. This is how I realize that I accepted conflict as a ‘problem’ within myself – just as any other human being – and that due to not knowing how others would also experience themselves, I created a point of specialness as in having some form of ‘anomaly’ for having these ups and down experiences which I identified as being actions that only ‘crazy people’ would have/ experience, eventually wearing the tag as a way to justify my inner conflict and even take proud of that because in one way or another, I was justifying my own personality as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ for having this ways of being which I actually fooled/ kid myself to believe I had no control of, when in fact as I review  such moments, I realize I absolutely was aware of what I was doing and how what I did was a deliberate point of causing and instigating conflict within myself as entertainment and others, because it just felt ‘good.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use friction and conflict within me as a point of self-infatuation and entertainment wherein I began only focusing on ‘How I felt’ in every moment wherein I was given the option to ‘feel good’ or ‘feel bad’ and define everything in my life according to likes and dislikes that became points/  aspects of self identification by people in my environment as ‘who I am,’ and within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because people were okay with having things that they like and dislike or specific characteristics/ moods/ preferences, I was able to then do the same and seek the most unique ways to exist in comparison to them, which is how everything that I perceived as ‘normal’ around me, became my standing point to define myself as everything that I would be ‘against’ to, without realizing that it was never ‘Me’ as a physical being living at all, but just existing as a mind that would lead to define oneself according to standing ‘against’ the majority, standing against/ opposing one’s “normal-environment,” only for the purpose to have a way to stand as a ‘different’ or ‘authentic’ personality defined in opposition to others, and in this only fueling and supporting the separation, the friction and conflict that ensued from that moment on in my life,  wherein

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this identification of who I am as the mind, I defined ‘who I am’ according to being ‘the opposite’ to what my family and peers at school represented, and as such, build  my own specialness and security within these definitions at a mind level, which only lead me to every time seek to upgrade my ‘personality’ and preferences, characteristics as a way to not only then antagonize my family or people at school, but the world system in itself in a spiteful mode that I took on toward everything and everyone, without realizing that everything that I spiting at all times was only myself when and while neglecting my very own physical body and the substance that I am as life, using it to power and fuel my  mindfucks, literally, which is unacceptable – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept this culture of ‘personality cultivation’ and creation based on defining me as a particular character with preferences and temperament as all the thoughts, beliefs, ideas and opinions I started creating as ‘my point of view’/ my way of being, without realizing that every single definition that I took on as myself became just another way to define myself As something that would invariably stand within one pole that would create friction/ conflict/ react to the opposite pole as another definition to which I would invariably react to, as I had to somehow ‘defend’ myself as My definition whenever the opposite would present itself in my reality.

I realize that I always had one moment before reacting wherein I would actually decide to ‘role play’ my part and react to that which I was supposed to react to based on my preferences, my personality and that which I defined would make me ‘angry’ or ‘mad’ or happy or sad or excited based on the preferences and personality that I began cultivating as a child as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘fill the character’ that I became by my own apparent ‘will’ to do so, and do, react, say and speak the way that I had built myself to be, do, act and speak like, within this complying to the social norm of becoming a character that is predictable and would react against/ oppose or like that which is defined as the oppostite polarity of myself. Within this also,

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘follow through’ with my own script throughout the years and continue fulfilling the reactive character every time that I was almost expected to ‘fulfill the character,’ which is how I realized that the personalities that I created were mostly  ‘a show’ for others, a way to stand in self-importance, specialness, uniqueness and in that learned to only focus on my self, fulfill myself, react when I was expect to do and never question again this as something that could be stopped, because, I had already ‘gotten married’ with the idea of myself/ gotten too much into character, which then became a Lie I had to follow through with and eventually it integrated fully as ‘who I am’ over the years and that was it. I believed that I could not ‘change me’ and stop participating in the character because of the fear of ‘who would I be without it,’ not realizing that the only thing that fears stopping self definitions is the mind, not who we really as as a physical body that is actually being abused and neglected throughout our developmental processes in the mind wherein we are only focused on cultivating our characters and self-experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the inner conflict experienced would always be with me and that I would grow up to be as angry/ neurotic as the adults I was aware of in the family, and that I would end up being somehow sick and with some form of mental problem or disorder as well as an emotional problem – such as chronic depression or constant worry and stress – without ever really having investigated how this all was just part of me having identified myself with my thoughts, feelings and emotions as ‘who I am’ as well as adopting the ‘ways of being’ from the characters around me in the family/ society, and as such, believing that I had something ‘wrong’ within me because the inner conflict would not go away – hence believing that I was invariably going to have a ‘disease/ sickness/ mental problem’ at a later stage in life – hence

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize to what extent there is ignorance in humanity with regards to the nature of how the mind works, wherein one single energetic experience was perceived as something utterly ‘wrong,’ or a malfunction, anomaly or disease because of how we’ve programmed ourselves to believe that what we see on TV or as the façade of each other as ‘harmonious,’ ‘happy’ and naturally joyful beings was in fact ‘real’ and had to be ‘who we are,’ without realizing it is a masquerade to hide the actual fear, stress, depression that is experienced within, as that is the nature we have all accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become as the mind, fueling this constant belief that we have to ‘keep up with the positive’ while all the time we experience this inner-conflict when participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions that veered toward the opposite and no matter how we categorize our experiences as positive or negative, they all represent a point of conflict which indicates energy which is of the mind and as such, able to be stopped and self corrected as a point of Self Responsibility.

 

I realize that this  ‘incongruence’ of my inner experience and the outer experience I was supposed to present, created a rift within myself believing that ‘there was something wrong with me,’ and this mostly being talked about in the media as mental disorders and being depressed or having low self esteem, being addicted to a form of self-abuse, belittlement and all of that which was considered as a mental problem/ a Grave problem, which I then kept quiet about and kept a well placed façade of ‘everything is fine, I am perfectly normal,’ even within my dissident/ antagonist characters, but ‘normal,’ and such, veering toward other ways to ‘make sense’ of my inner conflict, leading me nowhere but further confusion and relationships that supported this inner conflict, which became the focus on my life, trying to make sense of it through others, through living the lives of others and avoiding looking at my own, becoming friends with and having relationships that I thought I could use as a way to sort out my own inner conflict through others, instead of focusing on my own and within this, only aggravating the inner conflict that I kept for myself all the time, out of fear of actually having to ‘ask for help.’  Within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to label these energetic experiences as ‘mental disorders’ to that are in fact the ‘normal’ workings of the mind within how it  operates and understanding that for that matter, all human beings could be labeled as having some ‘mental disorder’ because The Mind in itself works through friction and conflict that we perceive as our emotions and feelings and thoughts, inner conversations, backchat – therefore there was not going to be in any way a ‘mental health’ or stability possible as long as we would seek only to make people ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ and get their ‘motivation’ back up, which is why and how I always resisted having any support because it seemed to phony to just veer to the positive and ‘be happy’ while the reality that I was witnessing, was nothing but happy for everyone, was nothing but harmonious wherein I would witness a world that was existing in constant fights and problems with money, politicians, poverty, wars and all of this only meaning to me one thing: this world is crazy and so am I, within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of ‘the state of the world’ as a way to justify my experience as being ad hoc to the state of the world – madness, instability, depressio, crisis – hence the entire characterization of ‘the sensitive being’ that reacts to what others apparently would not see, and in this becoming even more self absorbed in my own emotional experiences about the world, linking that to ‘art’ and ending up victimizing myself, believing that ‘there is no way out, it’s the devil’s way now’ which is how I see obviously even the music that I would hear would support this entire ‘depressed’ character not because I was not being supported to live – that’s why it is the elitist character, because I was not suffering a physical life of Lack of money/ health/ poverty or abuse – but I was only focusing on cultivating these emotions and ‘sensitivity’ to the world as a point of self interest, because of having learned how ‘artists were sensible beings’ and I actually made people accept me as ‘different’ due to this so-called ‘sensitivity’ and ‘specialness’ that I built in within myself, getting completely in this character that was probably even ‘allowed’ to be alone, isolated, depressed because of the same character of which I also expected to make a ‘name’ of myself for,  and justify my non-compliance to the system as well as defending my ‘point of view’ to not even attempt to create a change within the system itself – in essence: the ultimate justification to Not stand up for my life and the life of this world in equality.

 

All the time that I only cultivated my personality, my inner conflict, my dissatisfaction with life, my helplessness, my worry, my concern, my sadness toward the world, my depression, my confusion about people, my judgmental experiences of opposition toward ‘the world system,’ my desires to just ‘fly away’ and be out of the system, desires to expose the ‘ugly through something beautiful’ in some form of expression were again only actions, words cultivating a character within me, wherein I was not actually willing to investigate my self-experience, my mind and How I had created it, but only ‘get the most of it’ and making it into an acceptable character in society which is why I veered toward arts/ humanitarian studies and ‘dissed’ my apparent potential to become something else because of getting into this ‘sentimental character’ that was apparently my ‘humane’ aspect to cultivate as ‘my real personality’ – thus

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to cultivate my emotions  in order to be on the side of those that were ‘alive’ and could see the world and be sad about it and depressed and feel ‘misunderstood,’ which became really just another self-interest game where I would only remain as a victim, living in constant drama and this belief of there being something ‘wrong’ within me because of not being ‘happy’ and ‘joyful’ naturally – without realizing that:

I had never in fact understood how the mind functioned and how even if I was addicted to feeling sad, sorry for myself, depressed and victimized all the way, is still the same as fixating on everything that is positive, happy and joyful that I criticized extensively in the past, which proves the ignorance toward our own mind wherein we believe that we are somehow being more ‘responsible’ for being sad/ gloomy/ angry at the world when it is just another way to focus on our own experience and not really at all looking at the world and realizing that there are solutions required that will not be solved with us ‘feeling bad’ about it, that’s just blatant self-interest and an actual defense mechanism to not become a sound being that can stand in the face of reality and take absolute self responsibility for ourselves/ the world here as breath, which is what I have realized within this process: we cannot sustain this self-interested experiences of ups and downs and seeking happiness or being subsumed in depressions- which is the same thing – but actually stop participating in all forms of energetic experiences and focus on integrating ourselves to our physical body here as breath, that does Not require to have a particular ‘stance’ toward the world as an experiencing ourselves to do, be, say and act toward what’s best for all.

 

I commit myself to expose how our energetic fixations of the mind as desires, wants and needs – as well as rejections, denials, suppressions – represent the ‘who we are’ as the mind that functions through energy, which is who we have become as consciousness and within this, exposing how we have diminished ourselves in the physical to these limited characters that fight and define one against the other with no ability to actually create solutions, stand up for that which matters, because we are so busy trying to sort out our inner experiences, without even looking at the consequences that are ensuing from such self-experience as a drug of the mind. And so

 

I commit myself to stop any mind fixation within me either perceived as positive or negative and any participation in the self-definition of who I have been as a point of  preference or habit in order to finally be able to stand as  a sound stable physical being that can be effective to be self directive, self-motivated to establish solutions in this world and stop wallowing in any form of self experience as the result of seeing ‘the state of the world’ as that is only but a mechanism of defense to continue existing as a mind that ‘feels’ and ‘becomes emotional’ but establishes no solutions to the problems we’ve created, which is our responsibility at all times.

 

I commit myself to expose how our ‘mental instability’ is nothing ‘out of this world,’ but the mechanism of how the mind works and for this, realizing that reducing ourselves to have some form of ‘mental instability’ is the ultimate self-incapacitation in order to believe that we are not ‘strong enough’ or ‘good enough’ or ‘capable enough’ to stand up to create solutions in this world.

 

I realize that the moment we focus on our mind problems/ inner experience, we absolutely miss out the reality that is here and this is how it is imperative for all of us to get to a point of constancy and consistency as the stability that we are able to all live by here as Breath, as life in the physical, so that we no longer get distracted by our energy fixes of the mind as ‘problems’ and ‘instabilities’ that are self created just as another attention diversion aspect within our worlds.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is only possible for us people that have enough food to eat, a place to live and education to be focusing on this ‘inner experience’ due to having ‘more time’ to spend wondering in the mind instead of being physically working and participating in activities that are related to actually contributing to life on Earth. This is how depression and any other form of mental instability that can be identified as ‘mental disorder’ hence an apparent  “drug-required disease,” is just another way to make money for the pharmaceutical companies that use this ‘weakness’ within the human mind in a capitalist world to believe that emotions and feelings are a disease that can be controlled or healed with chemicals/drugs, instead of actually investigating one’s life to see how these ‘disorders’ were entirely self created, accepted and allowed and as such take responsibility for them, in order to not only correct oneself in one’s living and physical stability, but also to support establishing conditions in this world through education and the necessary changes in the entire system so that whichever system-deficiency is able to be identified as a problem that propitiates this mental problems, we create a solution for, which implies the implementation of the Equal Money System to ensure that people are no longer subject to a survival mode that feeds this inner conflict of the mind, but instead we are able to focus on re-establishing our living conditions to that which is optimal and supportive to be Living in this world as physical beings and no longer existing of/ as friction and conflict in the mind, feeding each other’s mind-realities and instead, support each other to ground ourselves as the physical, stop living as characters and work together to create a world that is based on life in equality.

 

— I will continue with looking at how these energetic experiences of the mind as emotions and feelings causing inner conflict, were reduced to being ‘mental disorders’ of the mind wherein we made an illness of something that is each individual’s point of self responsibility to correct, stop and align to the physical living wherein the focus must always be to stand as beings that support life in Equality with All – and within this, for once and for all, stop supporting each other’s inner-instabilities as ‘who we are’ and dare to call that a human crisis instead of a human problem caused by ourselves and resolved by ourselves individually.

Desteni Forum 

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Journey to Life Blogs

 

 

Emotions and Feelings are Self Interest – Stop the Self-Addiction

 

Educate Yourself about How your Mind Operates:

Blogs:

 

Interviews to Step out of the Mind and realize the opportunity and responsibility we hold toward ourselves/ each other to create a world that is livable for all:


63. The Perfect Drug

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is absurd to be addicted to conflict,  yet all actions and deeds are now revealing that I had in fact used stories and pictures as people and relationships to cover up the actual truth of myself: an energetic junky that thrived upon conflict, pain and distress used to continue existing as a mind that thrives upon energy.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was ‘okay’ with people that have been addicted to drugs, and even believing that I was ‘attracted to people that had been into drugs’ which was only mind mind speaking as I now realize that these relationships have been the point of most conflict in my world that I made myself ‘keen to’ that deliberately, as that is the only way that my mind could continue functioning: through delving into conflictive relationships and situations just for the sake of keeping myself occupied in my mind and never ever seeing the truth of what I was in fact doing to myself, because I blinded it off with the idea of ‘love’/ attraction/ care or else toward others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could become addicted to people which was never about ‘someone’ specific, but what the person represented as a point of conflict that I became addicted to as a mind to be constantly generating feelings and emotions as  a way to keep myself/ my mind alive through constantly having to charge thoughts up with either a positive or negative experience about something and someone, so that my mind could get its fix. Therefore it was never about people being ‘addicted’ the point of attraction but me being addicted to the conflict such pattern represented within me, so that I could generate an inner-experience of mixed emotions with feelings that lead me to become a wreck within actual dependency to fear of losing relationships in my world, which was never about ‘the person’ but the pattern that I had become addicted to: conflict, troubles, self-abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I could never be addicted to something that I had deemed as ‘negative,’ yet my actions spoke more than my words and now I see and realize that myself as my mind feeds off of positive and negative energy alike, because it is in the actual conflict and friction that the mind gets its fix from, no matter what pole it is generated in -which is what I’ve only now been able to realize about myself and my relationships thanks to the Desteni I Process, the interviews on money energy at eqafe, on sex and relationships and the Heaven’s Journey to Life blog that has become the ‘lantern’ in a space that was completely dark and even hidden within our understanding as humanity and existence as a whole. 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to conflict, as this is what I would base my apparent attraction to troubled people, it was only my mind luring myself into that which would generate the most friction within me, in order to continue generating energy within me being preoccupied and in constant fear, anxiety and mixed feelings that would cover up such basic conflict, which is how we pair ourselves up in a way wherein we actually remain within the most conflictive relationships to keep the mind ‘in place’ and where it was ‘meant to be’ for the mind to always get its fix.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not hear common sense but go with ‘what my heart dictated’ which was not my heart, but my mind as the required energy to continue existing as a mind that thrives upon self-abuse in a literal manner wherein we drain the physical, the substance that we are and convert it into energy which is a reduced form of life that has a positive or a negative charge with a beginning and an end– I realize that I got myself into the relationships wherein I would get the most friction and conflict as the ‘negative,’ wherein within me trying to ‘change it into positive’ there was a massive collision of poles that the minds would rejoice in. Thus, I realize now how relationships operate when based on energetic ‘attractions’ which is opposite poles attract because that’s the only way that enough friction is generated to continue feeding the mind as energy.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be also brainwashed by songs like ‘The Perfect Drug’ wherein I foolishly equated people to drugs as way to explain how even if we realize that this is harmful, we continue doing it, which is what makes self-abuse the basic ingredient in relationships: self compromise, fear of loss, fear of ending up alone, fear of not getting the necessary fix: fear of the mind dying which is precisely what this entire process is about, overcoming this fear of ‘losing ourselves’ and losing our mind without realizing that the physical body can exist without the mind dictating its every move and relationship, as I realize that the mind exists as relationships and that we currently exist as relationships that have to be equalized in order to stop generating conflict and constant turmoil which is what the mind requires to continue existing feeding of our physical bodies.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that statements in lyrics like ‘without you everything falls apart’ and ‘without you I’m nothing’ were perfect depictions of relationships between two beings, without realizing that it was actually me talking to myself as my mind believing that without such conflict, without such turmoil I’d be dead (as the mind)– yet I had not realized that I was in fact addicted to conflict, to turmoil and it is thus the reason why I sought conflict in my world without being aware of it, I created it for myself when being directed by these energies that could have either gone positive or negative, yet found the most ‘thrill’ in the negative due to my self-belief of being a ‘positive person.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know beforehand that I was in the ‘wrong spot’ yet, I went along for the ride because of the experience this would create within me, an energetic thrill that eventually faded away and that’s when relationships stop, and then you go out seeking for another prey. Just like vampires.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that saying ‘the more I give to you the more I die’ is a literal meaning: the more I experience emotions and feelings, the more I consumed myself inadvertently at a physical level – yet knowing deep inside myself what I was doing, neglecting it because what was ‘stronger’ was the addiction to the energy and became oblivious to the physical experience that went with it, because what I gave permission to direct me was the mind, separating myself further and further from being Here as my physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to delve even further into the experience even though I knew it was ‘no good’-  and in this, I forgive myself for having ever accepted and allowed myself to judge ‘self abusive people’ without realizing that I was only judging myself for what I have become, driven entirely by this not-knowing-how-to-direct my energy to – hence landing anyhow on a spot wherein I could get my fix and keep it for as long as it ‘fed me,’ just like oil  wells and fracking methods to suck the life out of the Earth.

 

Thus, I realize that our self-abusive nature is just like being an addict –just like we have said many times before – because even though we know we are harming ourselves, we continue doing it and the only way that we can get to a realization about this is if we reach the bottom – the question is: do we have to? We have proven to ourselves that we only learn through experiences, and so far we are driving ourselves to face the consequences even more so ‘in our face’ to open our eyes. Unfortunately so, self-abuse seems to now be affecting more and more people yet there are still no clear questions being asked as to WHY this is happening? All the answers can be walked within self through the Desteni support available for all.

And this is another moment of absurdity for what  I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become: a sucker for abuse.

 

“one go into absurdity when one face something that you see the reality of – but fear it at the same time, cause it’s not a knowledge and information seeing, its a self realisation – thus, individual react in absurdity “No it can’t be real” – lol; but also at the same time do within their existential existence here see it is” – Sunette Spies

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to see people as separate from me in relationships wherein I blamed ‘them’ for what I would experience, not realizing that as long as the mind held the wheel of my reality, I would simply create relationships, form nice stories, ‘paint it’ in a personalized way and get myself imbued into it for the mind-experience that I imposed onto people in my world that only serve as linchpins to keep my wheel going – this means that I never really established a relationship with them, but only with my own mind and this energetic fixes that were perfectly orchestrated to make it look just like another fantabulous experience, when it was really not so.

 

I realize that in our minds, we are able to kid ourselves and make it all seem quite ‘nice’ but in reality, the actual experience is only that of being leeches of one another, eating ourselves up not metaphorically speaking and this is the truth of our reality. Hence the importance of stopping all energy-relationships as within stopping our energetic fixes, we stop the continued self-abuse we have thrived upon as the mind.

 

I commit myself to take Self-Responsibility for every single point that I blamed others for in my reality as being the cause of my experiences, because I see, realize and understand it was always only me and my own mind, my own energetic drive that I sought to satisfy as the saturation of myself as energy, wherein the rest were just part of the necessary players in the game to build a nice story around it. That’s how when stopping our mind, when realizing what we have done, relationships fall because we cannot continue deceiving ourselves as in getting our fix from people –

 

The only way that I can redefine relationship is  to realize the basic point of separation from self that each relationship entails – and that means that this process is walking through all our relationships as all the points we have separated ourselves from in the name of experience – either positive or negative – wherein through walking each point of separation, we stop feeding the mind and earth ourselves back as substance – this is explained in the blog  Wave-Theory of Creation: DAY 62 which has become a pivotal point to understand what we have done to ourselves in existence in an absurd manner – again – yet I realize that all reactions covered up within ‘absurdity’ are in fact a frightening realization of our nature and to what extent we took ourselves as life – in the name of energy as experience-  for granted

 

I realize that every moment that I give myself into the mind, I continue feeding this absurdity that must be stopped by myself in every moment that I can earth that surge of energy back to Earth as myself as Breath, b-heart – I instead breathe and hear the heart rate wherein I make sure that I re-mind myself the physicality that I abuse every time I allow myself to go into conflict, friction, desires and yearnings for relationships which are clearly based on self-abuse according to what I have realized throughout this process, but only now can see clearly and name if for what it is.

 

I realize that within me accepting others as ‘addicts’ I was simply speaking from the mind that justified and validated itself as ‘an addict’ because that’s the only way it can continue existing as ‘the driving force’ within our bodies – thus, I stop any self-definitions as having this ‘fascination’ for addicts/ addictions and experiences of any kind that are in fact the building blocks of self-abuse that mind exists as.

 

I commit myself to continue walking my own mind as my process of writing, applying Self Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application to give myself direction to live words, to establish myself as words that can be applied by all in equality wherein relationships can only stand as symbiotic and never more parasitical in nature.

 

I commit myself to expose how relationships are simply an addiction of the mind and that it is in stopping such mind-relationships toward anything/ anyone that we can start standing equal and one to such points/ people in our world, wherein people no longer represent ‘patterns’ in separation of ourselves, but we instead walk those relationships through this process of Self-Forgiveness until what remains is self, here,  equal to everything and everyone that are also here, and support others to do the same for themselves.

 

I commit myself to continue investigating any bit and memory that comes up in my head as every point of backchat, memory, as these are indications of a point we are reacting to and existing in separation from, which is how the mind is the greatest tool to walk this process.

 

I realize that I must first walk my ‘rehab’ as self-agreement wherein I make sure that I never again use people as patterns to thrive upon as energy but instead, learn how to practically coexist with others as equals wherein self-is self-directive as the physical and never again as an energy-driven mind.

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Day 29: Bite Back for More

A way to see backbite is when talking/ thinking/ using another person as a way to create ideas, beliefs perceptions as thoughts that become ‘the flavor of the week’ in our minds, in order to make ourselves ‘feel’ something that we have defined as ‘good/ positive/ fulfilling’– how? When and while we keep ourselves busy thinking about someone/ something, we are giving away all our attention and focus to generate thoughts – and even feelings/ emotions – toward something/ someone that we are essentially using to occupy our minds while they are Not in fact HERE in our physical immediacy. In other words: backchatting/ fantasizing about others to entertain ourselves.

 

So in terms of backbite only talking maliciously or ‘unkindly’ about someone that is absent, can also mean being thinking about someone and using that someone as a crutch to create experiences within ourselves for the sake of our own satisfaction. Yes, as crude as it sounds when placed in such a way, this is what the usual ‘Thinking of you’ type of attitude manifests to the point where obsessions escalate until it becomes an absolute possession as uncountable breaths are entirely disregarded to keep up such energetic thrill going on, and all that remains is then a tremendous hangover once that we realize what the hell have we actually in fact done: using the idea that we have created of someone in our minds in order to generate any form of experience that is either ‘good’/ positive or ‘bad’/ negative, which is backchat that we have  become so used-to that stopping it is experienced with withdrawal symptoms, which results in not getting our ‘thrill’ in place –  just like in any other type of addiction.

 

This is why Self Honesty is not nice or beautiful, it’s like stopping sugar. Such instant custom-made gratification that we are able to produce in the confines of our mind is simply ‘too sweet’ to let go of – why? Because it makes us ‘feel’ something- whether it is negative or positive, it’s still a state of mind that will take us from pole to pole to continue existing as that spark that keeps the fire alive as consciousness within ourselves.

Furthermore, we have created such infatuations in our own mind = they are only thoughts/ beliefs/ ideas that we have allowed ourselves to generate and create further experiences about – it’s never about ‘them,’ it’s always about each one of us that creates the mindfuck.

 

Needless to say, this type of thinking and behavior is commonly accepted and encouraged in our reality – it is seen as harmless/inoffensive without realizing that the only consequence is and must be faced by the creator of such backbite, which is each one of us that have used the idea/ belief and image of another for the sake of creating a certain experience within ourselves, which in this case will be with regards to making myself feel ‘good’ about ‘me’ through using others as a crutch to sustain that positive experience. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce another being to being simply an idea in my mind that I use in order to satisfy my own moments while recreating and replaying the idea in my mind as something that ‘I enjoy,’ which is recognizing that words, pictures, images are able to possess me into the point of infatuation, wherein all obsessions are fed with words, pictures, thoughts that I then give enough power to in order to continue existing in such a ‘thrill’ in my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what which I am ‘fantasizing’ about has in no way any possible real, direct correlation of the actual reality of the subject matter, as it is all created in my own mind for the sake of generating a momentary satisfaction that takes me from my state of seeking ‘something’ to entertain myself with wherein a point is created through giving it constant and continuous attention, building up enough energy as backchat/ thoughts and in that, start experiencing this positive experience wherein because this energy overrides common sense, I  lose my ground and eventually stop focusing on breathing and give myself into thinking/ fantasizing/ day dreaming, which is using thoughts as a crutch for a positive experience about something/ someone – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get to a point of excitement through constantly feeding the idea about something/ someone that is effectively creating a positive experience within myself, wherein then such point requires regular attention and in that, losing my own physical awareness of being here, breathing and directing myself in my physical reality which requires no energy for me to continue existing as all that I am is the physical body grounding myself to physical activities that don’t require for a constant energetic experience for me to move.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and generate thoughts about another as a trigger point to generate a ‘good feeling’ within me wherein I give my power away as in using my physical body to carry the consequences of me having lived a life of seeking the next greatest excitement, without being actually aware of what is it that I am in fact consuming while existing in such mind-projections, which is always self as substance, as life being used and abused for the sake of my own personal entertainment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now see how deluded and abusive it is to hold thoughts as a crutch to create an experience within us, wherein I was making the statement: ‘this physical reality is not enough for me to think that I am alive’ – and in that, disregarding the very breath that I take to generate such a life-degrading thought that can only exist when and due to me having defined ‘who I am’ as energy, as a personality that seeks to be constantly reinforced through ‘triggers’ from ‘the outside world,’ to keep existing as a the ‘I feel/ I think’ human that is only defined as an energetic experience.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce who I am of/as substance of equality and oneness into a single idea/ belief of myself as a certain energized set of characteristics that seek out for words/characters/pictures to generate enough backchat that is accumulated until the positive experience as self-created reward is experienced to the point of instant ‘satisfaction,’ until the experience runs out again as any other energetic experience, wherein I then proceed to continue ‘searching’ for more points to give enough attention to build up as energetic experiences that I can rejoice about, which is only  thought, emotions related.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is actually about another person that I am ‘thinking’ about, which is only the idea that I have created about someone/ something that serves as the ignition point for me to continue generating, thoughts and giving them enough attention to eventually lose myself from being here in the physical an instead, existing as a set of predictable patterns in my own mind that seek to create an energetic feeling such as excitement and curiosity, which lead me to act in a rather rushed and clumsy manner, as I am not here breathing/ walking/ existing only in the physical, but fueling a constant coming an going of thoughts that serve no other purpose than being the necessary wood to keep the initial fire I started alive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it socially acceptable and even promoting it through cultural clutches like songs, movies, pictures, books, images to make it seem perfectly ‘normal’ to have the thought of something/ someone in your mind in order to generate a positive experience within you, which becomes nothing else than a lollipop that we are constantly licking to keep the sugary experience as feelings ‘alive,’ which is then realizing that we have become addicts to our own mind wherein it is never about ‘another’ in fact, but only the relationship formations we’ve created toward a point that we perceive is separate from ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I never stopped for a moment to question why I had to have the thought of something/ someone as a constant and continuous thought pattern that I would be constantly fueling and generating an energetic experience about it while having no actual physical interaction or living-out of the point in reality, which implies that I gave myself away completely to exist as a set of thoughts to fuel an experience that can only exist if I consume me of/as substance and transform such unconditional life that I take into essentially mind garbage that keeps my ego in place, that keeps me preoccupied with useless bullshit that has no direct correlation to my physical reality in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others by reducing them to be simply ‘thoughts in my head,’ which reveals to what extent we have never in fact had an actual relationship with others as we have only always communicated to our own minds as personalities and pictures that we form judgments/ ideas upon, which implies that we become the actual separators from equality when abdicating the physicality as the only reality that exists in equality, and accepting separation as mind definitions of ‘who we are’ as personalities toward one another, which is all that we have ever believed ourselves to be: a person/ personality that interacts with other persons/ personalities that ‘get along well’ because of ‘being similar’ and in that, continue the propagation of sectarianism in society wherein all that we identify ourselves with is ideas, pictures, thoughts, experiences instead of standing one and equal to that which is real and requires no differentiation/ specialized set of attributes as thoughts/ opinions/ beliefs to exist.

 

I see, realize and understand that the only point that I can trust is myself here breathing, that is the physical confirmation that I am here and that everything that I can do is direct my thoughts so that I can stand one and equal as the physical, as the mind, as the thoughts in conjunction to the immediate physical reality wherein no mind-energy is required to move, only physical energy that I consume to support me to move/ walk/ live/ direct myself in physical reality.

 

I see, realize and understand that it is only through me stopping this constant pattern of having to create a nice idea about someone in my head to make me ‘feel’ something that is generally ‘good,’ I am only fuelling my own tendency as a mind system to keep itself occupied taking all the energy from the physical and transforming it into fuel to generate an experience about that which has no physical-correlation to my reality at the moment, that which I don’t require to constantly ‘feed’ to continue existing.

 

I commit myself to stop using thoughts, pictures, imagination and ideas that I can create/ generate about something/ someone in my reality that I use as a crutch to create a positive experience within me, which eventually reaches its peak and must die, leaving a desire to re-experience, re-charge the same thought with ‘new inputs’ to keep the same energetic experience going, which is how I realize that it’s never about an actual person/ place/ event but only the very thoughts I create and eventually manifest as obsessions that are kept alive by myself only. This is how I take self responsibility to ensure that such Self-Interest system is stopped within me, as thoughts created to generate a ‘good experience’ is the basic existence to create a world wherein abuse is perpetuated in the name of such ‘good experiences.’

 

I commit myself to expose how that which is culturally accepted and promoted as infatuation and feeding our obsessions is only linked to the energetic-addictive system that we have all agreed to participate in the moment that we diminished ourselves to a single Idea of self that is fundamentally ‘flawed’ and ‘incomplete’ which is the state by ‘default’ that we have lived as a negative experience that seeks to get to a point of positive experience through using thoughts as a way to push the necessary personalized buttons and create energy to get to such climatic positive energy, which it wanes and decays only to get back to ‘where we started,’ which indicates that a new point/ relationship formation in my mind is created and fueled in order for me to get the most of it while I can.

 

I commit myself to expose how the nature of relationships can only exist as conflict and separation, as this is how we have accepted and allowed ourselves to ‘live’ as programs that are constantly seeking a positive energetic experience because of having diminished ‘who we are’ to a single personality that seeks recognition/ validation/ acceptance from other personalities equally ‘flawed’ to then become dependent on each other as energetic crutches wherein relationships become wells for energy to be sucked and sipped until it is dry and the next well is sought to continue the idea of life/ living going.

I’m the fire starter and I can only be the one that Puts the Fire Out

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Day 15: Adherence

adhere 

1    stick fast to.
2    believe in and follow the practices of.
3    represent truthfully and in detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adhere/ stick to a relationship as soon as I got the acceptance and confirmation by another of being ‘valuable’ for them in the context of establishing a relationship, because of having the starting point of wanting to be accepted/ recognized by another in order to ‘give meaning to my life,’ which is why and how I sought relationships in absolute separation from myself, because I had not allowed me to accept myself, and in this, sticking like glue to the people that would express their appreciation toward myself, and I would experience the same ‘back,’ which is what I had deemed as ‘being lucky,’ because of being able to establish the relationships that ‘I’ had chosen to be in – apparently, without realizing that my own set of preferences as personality had sought a similar pattern that could satisfy my ‘needs’ and desires within the context of my own limitations as personality/ ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stick fast to and develop quick relationships mostly, always just ‘going for it’ without taking into consideration what I am exactly indulging into and getting myself into, which implies that I had merely acted out of impulse as an energetic drive, as the ‘intuition’ that I had followed whenever I would manipulate myself and the entire situation in order to ‘make it acceptable’ for me to just ‘go for it’ and establish a relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I had not allowed myself to fully consider another within these temperamental decisions that I would brew with steam wherein I would just want to settle the relationship right away and make it all happen as fast as we could, in order to satisfy my usual drive an desire to have it all as soon as possible and quick and ‘sealed,’ which was an energetic drive that I accepted and allowed to drive myself completely, without having ever taken a moment to stop, breathe and really place into perspective what it is that I was allowing within myself. Such second-point consideration didn’t exist, and I’m simply here placing it out so that I become aware of not giving into impulse and feeling for something or someone, I take the necessary time to assess the situation and place into perspective practicality and reality instead of dreaming and fantasizing to fulfill my dreams.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to be with another in a relationship, I must idolize them and admire as in seeing them as ‘more than me’ so that ‘I can learn from them,’ without realizing that this is not about being with something that you can measure as knowledge and information, as a mind system – it is about another breathing, living being that must stand equal and one as myself and any other being that is not defined by knowledge and information. This means that

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having ‘fallen for’ and had platonic relationships with people just because of the set of knowledge and information they represented as something that I aspired to become, which implies that I was only seeking to fulfill myself as an idea, as a personality that feeds off of knowledge and information as ‘who I am,’ wherein I projected such value toward others and measuring people/ potential partners/ partners according to their intellect – which means the more intelligent, bold, sharp, perceptive and shrewd = the better within the values that I placed as valuable in another, as that which I wanted to be which I never allowed myself to stand one and equal to.

 

I realize that the ability they had to communicate, interact, and establish relationships with people with great ease is what I saw I lacked therefore, wanting to stick to/ adhere and almost absorb such abilities by being with them, wherein I stopped living my life but only being the faithful companion that would ‘stick’ to them like a shadow trying to live through them a life that I thought was not possible for me to live.

I see that at least the longest relationships were with people that knew lots of people and I desired that as well but I would see myself believing that it was impossible for me to do, because of the plethora of judgments that I would project to others in my secret mind. And it was only when being in these relationships that I learned to be more open and less elitist in my mind. Yet, it was all within the context of ‘sticking to them,’ something like ‘the muse’ that is just there – adhering to their lives and not really developing my own skills, because of me being comfortable to stand as the wallflower within the general social interactions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel utterly uncomfortable many, many times that I did not really want to adhere and go everywhere with partners, yet I would go because of fearing ‘missing out’ on something or just not wanting to be alone, wherein I would then just ‘swallow’ everywhere I had to go to with them and within this asphyxiating myself by fearing exerting my desire to just not go to their house and be by myself, I actually feared displeasing them somehow with this, just because of the habit that I created of always being ‘there’ and being the eternal mostly quiet companion.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having defined me as an ‘addition’ to another’s life and call that a relationship, wherein I deliberately diminished my interaction with the rest of my world, simply because I had obtained the recognition and acceptance I was looking for by another that wasn’t valuing myself for me being a particular character in school or in my family, but apparently liking me for ‘who I am. ‘

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adhere to the conditions and “agreements” that were never spoken in terms of having an actual relationship with another, for an extended period of time and not even knowing what it was. Such ‘not knowing’ is what lead me to create this fear and uncertainty because of fearing losing such relationship, because there was no commitment or spoken agreement at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to mold and fit myself into another’s life wherein I became supple and submissive when it came to living the routine of seeing each other, which meant that I adhered to another’s schedules and plans wherein I had no excuse or justification to not go because I didn’t have a ‘life of my own,’ and in that, completely agreeing to just do as they said, go with them wherever they had to and just ‘be there,’ because in my mind it was much better than being alone.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deify the particular ideal of partner that I had created and fueled throughout my life from an early age and when getting that particular person in reality, which meant like winning the jackpot in my life at the time, I absolutely got blinded by this ideal and extreme desire that I had built toward another one, which lead me to absolutely neglect all the actual experiences of fear and subtle self-abuse because of believing that I could be easily replaced and me fearing losing that relationship after all the time that I had desired to be with such person.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stick/ adhere to another’s ‘rules’ and morals within a relationship, wherein I just adhered to it without a question, even though they absolutely bothered me. I kept quiet about it out of fear and within that application, I built my own fear trap, wherein I kept myself in absolute petrification to lose that relationship, just because of not wanting to stir any conflict or be threatened to be left alone if I didn’t want to comply to a certain ‘interaction rule’ within such relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to absolutely stick to another’s words and immediately be influenced by another’s living-rituals and perspectives about life, beliefs, entire mannerism and general stance toward people/ relationships and the world in general, wherein I would immediately adapt to ‘their way of being,’ while just sticking to ‘my part’ of being the faithful muse that is just there whenever they want and in that, absolutely neglecting/ diminishing and belittling myself, just because of the amount of time I spent just ‘there’ by their side, instead of being comfortable with myself, alone. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a way to hide and completely submit to a living condition wherein apparently, another must satisfy me in all ways, and vice versa which is the way wherein dependency is created within relationships wherein an initial search for fulfillment is tampered with the belief of ‘being complete’ only when being in a relationship with another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to represent a loyal companion and create a religion out of a relationship wherein I made sure I would feed my obsession and another’s obsession for the sake of keeping up and energetic relationship going on, wherein no actual self-support to stop any personalities was ever considered.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been submissive in relationships wherein I adhered to he ways and ‘rules’ of interaction as silent agreements that were never questioned by me, but only complied because of believing that ‘another knows better’ and ‘is more experienced’ and in that, simply suppressing myself every time out of fear of creating unnecessary conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adhere/ stick to the rules of the game, wherein no actual consideration of what’s best for all was considered and I allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that it was ‘alright’ and that ‘I didn’t care’ as long as I could be in that relationship, but obviously it did matter and eventually became unsustainable the very moment that I started speaking up, which I’m glad I did to finally take off the blindfold of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my actual view upon events and moments, people, environments in the moment just to not create unnecessary conflict, but instead buried that conflict within myself in fear of triggering conflict and having to experience another’s wrath.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stick to the rules of convenience placed by another, and followed/ accepted by me in a blind manner wherein all I could do is continually judge another while presenting a nice façade that could be affable and amicable toward others in general.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adhere/ conform to relationship woes and the opposite as fun and enjoyment as a usual aspect of having to ponder mood all the time wherein the acceptance of playing a particular mood and role in any given moment would lead me to be an absolute unbearable pain in the ass toward another, wherein I would only be speaking and spewing out backchat that I was not naming for what it is, but disguised it and used other points to let it out, which made no-sense and created rifts that I knew were absolutely ridiculous in nature, but I stuck with it as a way to voice out my general complain and discomfort within the relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed such relationships with no consideration to what I knew I was experiencing, yet hiding because of fearing losing that relationship after all the time invested on desiring that specific relationship, within the belief that I finally had a person depending on me which I deemed as valuable within the ‘I can’t live without you’ type of codependency that emerged from both parts, wherein within my fear of letting someone down, I allowed myself to become addicted to and allow another to become addicted to me in an equally noxious pattern wherein both avoided being alone.

 

I forgive myself for having ever accepted and allowed myself to use another being as an obsession and addiction that sought to be fulfilled all the time, while  fearing being alone, fearing letting another down and creating innumerable moments of unspoken discomfort for having compromised myself and each other to be constantly wanting to make each other ‘happy’ through any means wherein, it becomes an ‘act’ of living instead of just actually living our lives and sharing them in an equal manner.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mock my own patterns and habits of the past, because of how I lacked common sense, without realizing that we have lacked common sense from the very moment we separated ourselves from the whole and created an experience that we gave a name to in such moment, it’s the same point yet translated to a usual relationship mechanism of co-dependency and obsession and remuneration to satisfy each other’s needs. 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, within adhering to another’s lifestyle, ways of being, I made myself believe that another knew better and that I should just ‘go with the flow’ because at least it was something different and unlikely to happen in my own life, which is when I believed that living was accumulating adventures and experiences that could lead us to then have something to talk about.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to prefer adhering to another’s life, instead of having ever considered establishing my life in a parallel mode toward another, wherein actual self-support is established, and there are no dependencies toward one another in these subservient and dominant roles.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feed another’s obsessions and my obsessions wherein all that was sought to be generated was a ‘feel good’ experience that had to be kept up all the time and in that, compromising myself until it was not bearable and had to be stopped.

 

I realize that I compromised and suppressed myself completely in every single moment that I would only nod and not speak up, and that it became a ‘prop’ for my personality because of others thinking and believing that I was rather calm and peaceful and ‘quiet’ by nature, when in fact I was only hiding and suppressing the actual expression that would come up in the moment but that I hid in the name of complacency and within wanting to avoid all discord possible in the relationship.

 

I commit myself to Add-Here to myself wherein I make sure I never again create relationships based on only adhering myself to someone else’s life, wherein I become like a comfortably numb shadow that is just ‘there’ all the time, instead of actually valuing myself and my living reality as an individual that certainly doesn’t require to be ‘with someone’ to be complete, fulfilled or even enjoying myself – I realize that within living only as an ego/ personality that sought to be fulfilled, I missed the actual hereness that is here as myself as my being that doesn’t require to be with another to be fulfilled.

 

I commit myself to add-her as adding me to the equation (in an equal matter to be redundant) of any relationship wherein actual agreements of self support are established, where I can finally stick to living by principle and not by fears, preferences, beliefs and opinions of who I must be in order to be liked/ accepted by another/ others. I realized that any compromise in the past cannot exist here as what I realize now I am and how there can be no value that I can obtain from another, because this is about me – facing/ valuing self as a living being that is equally here as everyone else.

 

The point we require to implement is actual self-support through spoken/ worded self-agreements wherein all parts involved can live by the principle of conviviality as self-support with established self-agreements in self honesty wherein who we are is honored, respected and supported to develop to the utmost potential, because that’s what we are all here to be and do, in order to finally let go of all limitations, suppressions, fears and judgments toward one another of the past.

 

I realize that within adding ‘Here’ to any agreement and relationship, I take the whole into consideration wherein it is about me establishing myself as an equal part of the whole that works with others to establish relationships/ agreements of self support to for the first time, change the way that human beings have related to one another wherein no feelings, no emotions, no beliefs, no manipulation, no complacency, no fears are involved within the relationship equation, but are left completely aside to establish an actual physical agreement wherein all parts involved are equally considered and supported to establish effective communication and within that, living to the utmost potential that we all see and realize we are capable of If and when establishing a living principle as ourselves first, individually.

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System

journeytolife

 

 

Blogs of the Day:

Judgement Day: DAY 14
Day 14: Do you Love Breakups?
Day 15: Who am I? Prisoner of the Mind?

 

 


Day 12: Goodbye Self-Deprecation

I share about the (cool/ awesome/ astounding/ flabbergasting) realization that has been brewing these past days and weeks. I had merely opened up the self-image point a few days ago in Day 8: My body is Not an Image and Anu was sharing about this point in a recent interview (Reptilians – The Human Picture – Part 25) about how such image that we hold about ourselves, occupies the entirety of our moment as ‘who we are,’ which is then walking/ “living” as a constant image that implies this is ‘how’ we interact with each other and the world: according to how I have allowed myself to create such image and the plethora of memories as words with experiences that I have kept in order to give myself an identity, a meaning, a value – all in separation of the simplicity of life as who we really are.

 

I’ve been in a process of realizing – as a direct result of being hearing Anu’s mind blowing interviews – how we are keeping ourselves entertained with this diluted energy that we call emotions, feelings and thoughts, which was a point that marked a difference in my experience toward any bit of fixation I had created toward something or someone. I realized to what extent I was diminishing myself and occupying my mind with bullshit. It really was a turning point – and it’s been probably over a month now from that point which was opened up in one of the first interviews of his series; it is absolutely pointless wasting breaths going in cycles around the points that we already know are Not beneficial at all. Becoming this character out of habit is only confirming that we are willing to abuse life in order to keep our masochism ‘alive’ – unacceptable, even more so when we are fully aware of these mechanisms and have heard nothing else but: stop participating in your mind!

 

As I walked and realized this, I said to myself that I must share this with the world, because COME ON! How on Earth can we continue living being preoccupied with each other and fearing being judged and judging ourselves for what we believe is cute or ugly or whatnot! I mean what the fuck? That is and should be left as what it is, as part of our past as the robots we accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become in the name of some mirage of personal glory– we’ve done it Enough times already in our eternal cycles, being busy with the same bullshit over and over and over again. This is the time to Stop it for once and for all.

 

It is Not necessary to continue At All in allowing a single iota of self-judgment that may rear in the back of our head. Now, I realize that this is easily said and that there is an absolute process to walk to actually live it, but by placing the ‘cards straight on the table’ I create a point of reference for myself and others equally reading this, to support themselves to see this as straightforward and as simple as it is. I commit myself to make it known to what extent we are abusing life just to keep our mind-realm of self-abuse alive, the perfect trap that we all accepted as the usual ‘misery’ in life – come on! How can LIFE be miserable? Only our experience as the mind, as an individualized and separated perception that emerged through friction can think that – how can we trust something that is lit up just with the flick of a switch, like a light bulb? It is really as simple as stopping all participation in such pet peeves, because these thoughts can come up as ‘casual’ as anything else, and they are accepted because we have all tacitly agreed that ‘Oh well, this life’s got its ups and downs, and nothing can ever work out well and it’s best to only live your life to the max and die happily with tons of memories in your memory-card’ No way.

 

We cannot possibly – at this stage and having the opportunity to birth ourselves as life in this life – continue existing with such massive self-inflicted limitations.

 

It takes time to get to a point like this, it’s taken us our entire existence for ‘god’ knows how long and we cannot possibly fuck it all up this time because of wanting to remain as and continue preserving our mental masochism that can only ‘run’ if the physical is abused. How many times have we judged/ criticized people that extract natural resources from the Earth indiscriminately? I have, tons of times- did I ever accept myself as an equal abuser? Hell no, I did not even consider it that way – I was more on the side of ‘save the planet’ while being constantly judging myself or generating depressions just to have something to create an experience about in my mind toward the idea of myself.

 

This is how, again, the Desteni material, the current interviews are the best gifts you could ever possibly give to yourself – nothing is as ‘worthy’ as realizing that we can in fact Do This – and I haven’t ever been ‘this certain’ in my life before – or my existence, probably – and by this I don’t mean certain of a particular outcome/result, but certain as self-acceptance, as confidence that I am – slowly but surely being accepting as myself, getting myself Here and hearing the words that I probably have always longed to hear to stop my personal infatuation for once and for all.

 

Stopping participation is then not an experience, I’ve noticed how the less I feed my obsessions, the less they remain, the less I participate in immediate judgments, the easier it is to face myself for ‘what I am’ without adding the layers of judgments to it. Living this way is like a constant filter, the Self Honesty filter, because what remains in the moment is what I see and realize I am able to apply/ use/ implement as Self-Support which means is one and equal no matter from whom or where I take it from – I see and realize that all that will eventually remain is only that which is able to be lived and applied by others as equals. This means that the character/ idea of myself won’t remain, that all memories, pictures, ideas that I have believed myself to be are not real and will not remain as it is Not who I really am. What remains is myself here as the presence and essence of that which I am made of, the substance that exists here without requiring me to have/ load an archive of pictures, experiences and memories to define myself every moment that I can instead simply be and exist here.

 

I’ve slowed myself down not even within a ‘desire’ or ‘wanting to slow down,’ but simply by deliberately becoming  aware of myself, which I have been experiencing for the past weeks as like an alien on my own two feet. I’ve walked in this body for a quarter of century and I can probably say that I am only now beginning to appreciate my body for the first time. I‘ve got a lifetime of constant and silent self-deprecation on my back, through having judged my physical appearance and myself – as ‘everyone else does,’ which is unacceptable from each other, really – I am walking the acceptance that I see is here as myself within the understanding of how much I had blinded – blind-dead – myself from myself-here the obvious point missed. If you are not thinking-yourself, what remains is Living As yourself – by yourself it is to be understood as the physical body that is flesh, bones, the blood flowing that is constantly moving and we had blinded ourselves from even experiencing that constant flow within ourselves – there can be no judgment/experience in that, it jus is and it becomes an obvious abuse the moment that we fly away to feed the old habits.

 

This is also an aspect of the application of taking on ‘one single point’ that I’ve been applying on a daily basis which is: stopping judgments toward people on the streets or around me. This is stopping all the automated ‘profiling’ wherein I immediately scan a person and can ‘imagine’ their life and what they are all about. So, I’ve been aware of how some thoughts are just automatically ‘there’ and how I have to go by without me participating in it in any way. I must extend that now to things and animals that I encounter, not placing any emphasis when seeing cats or dogs, which is then also creating an experience within myself toward them.

 

It’s just like the point that I described in lugubrious romantic. Every single day after I wrote that blog, I’ve seen a dead animal or bird – mostly birds – on the pavement – I’m not joking here: every single day. In those moments I’ve then walked the words that I had scripted, and it wasn’t just ‘once’ that I could stop it, and it’s gone. The point emerging everyday makes it very obvious on how this is about walking as a constant and consistent stopping, a living self forgiveness wherein the subsequent days I had to continue not participating/ engaging into the ‘moment capturer’ personality, as the ingrained aspect of the personality I would charge up within the entire idea of myself while using the Earth’s resources to keep myself in such personal fixations as the ‘usual’  fleeting possessed moments I would get by being ‘ecstatic’ looking at something.

 

It doesn’t really matter how much ‘value’ I had given to this point of being ‘fascinated’ by what I see, it’s about the recognition of the ability to stop, regardless of ‘what it is.’ Anu spoke about pictures and even taking pictures which made me laugh for a moment on my application within that which I had also walked in the afore mentioned blog, yet made it even blunter how I could not deny the fact that we have to simply stop playing re-runs of our personalities every time – it’s an old story, it’s limited, it’s constricted, we know where it begins – because we give it the first go – and we know where it ends, because all highs eventually come to low; yet we have developed a relationship with such definitions that we feared losing such definitions lol, it’s like someone that doesn’t want to go out of jail even if their penitence has ended. Are we that self abusive?

 

Yes, we have been – that’s the stark reality. And this makes it even more clear that we have to absolutely walk this process to let go of all the unnecessary baggage that is only limiting ourselves – how ludicrous, but I’ll stop judging this through amazement on this, it’s simply a realization of how the end of me as the limited idea/belief/perception built and nicely-wrought as this personality that we have all invested our ‘best interest’ in, must go in order for the actual living in Equality to emerge – not as an experience, not as a want, not as a need, not as a desire to ‘be more’ of course – it is the simplest form of acceptance that is able to be embraced here in every breath that I take – it is really that simple to go establishing ourselves here. We determine it= we can live it.  It is absolutely in our hands to do so. We’ve got to turn off the ‘spotlight’ on us in believing that all eyes are always fixating on us, or that we are the ‘main characters’ in this story – that’s just self interest, that’s just the world revolving ‘around me,’ and in that application missing the entire world because of placing something above the rest. Unacceptable.

We are here to stop that forevermore, simply because we have missed the actual living that is as simple as breathing here – no more mindfucks.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my breaths here by having spent time accumulating memories, pictures, experiences as ‘who I am,’ and believing that this would be what gives me ‘identity’ and ‘value’ as a person, which is how I invested upon such experiences as energetic personalities that I carefully wrought and quilted as ‘who I am,’ according to the desires, wants and needs that I wanted to fulfill in my world, whatever ‘road’ they would imply, it was still following and desiring that which would apparently ‘make me feel happy,’ which is then how

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live as this ‘me’ that has existed as only a few purposes in life that were aiming to fulfill and ‘achieve’ the ultimate happiness, which became the only way that I could see this life could make ‘any sense,’ which is why I accepted and allowed this world ‘as is’ within the belief, perception that there could be ‘something more’ for us in store after we die, after we have gone through our living peripeteia and eventually ‘win’ something that could mean an eternal satisfaction, which can only be created because of the inherent acceptance and allowance of existing As separation from self as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live within such a mind-possession for such a long time, and for all the past lives that I have spent fixated on myself, my image, my personality, my wants, my needs, my desires that were only ‘there’ to keep me occupied and that I accepted as a form of ‘living’ while missing the actual living in every single moment that I would rather create myself an experience through emotions and feelings to pretend that ‘I’m alive,’ other than simply living in self-acceptance here, as breath, as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in such a perpetual self-abuse through constantly judging myself and existing only as this judgment that I would project onto others, compare myself-with and define myself-as, while actually judging people that would deplete/ abuse the natural resources on Earth for the sake of keeping our entire system in place – which implies that I always sought to be ‘free from blame,’ and believe myself to be innocent from such “atrocities”simply because of denying the basic point which is me existing in/as this world, equal and one with everyone else that is equally responsible for such abuse simply because of ALL having accepted and allowed the submission, abuse and degradation of life through a system of energy that must always consume to remain alive. This is our current system and

I commit myself to walk the necessary self-alignments to live the equal-value that I see and realize is the common sensical way of living that must be implemented on Earth through the Equal Money System as the solution to allow us all to see/ realize that the only way to live an actual satisfactory life on Earth, is through giving and receiving in equality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from ‘the abusers,’ simply because I thought myself to be a ‘world saver’ without ever being aware of how within me and my ‘personal life’ being a bundle of emotions and feelings and judgments, I was being equally supporting the degradation/ abuse and total annihilation of life because of disregarding the fact that, for my mind to exist as an experience, I must use what Is here as this physical reality that I consume in order to transform such physical energy into mind energy to keep my mindfucks alive. By mindfucks I understand, all the experiences that would give me a certain experience that I would deem as ‘my life,’ ‘my living,’ regardless of them being positive or negative, I seemed to equally solace with both, as long as I was ‘experiencing’ something, which demon.strates the level of addiction we’ve lived toward our own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I had only lived as an egotistical character that could only generate experiences, thoughts for self-satisfaction in either a ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ and now realizing even neutral experience As a constant experience, as a constant self-created confirmation of ‘I am here as y mind,’ while abusing my body as the life that it is made of to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so oblivious to the reality that is here, taking it for granted simply because of regarding ‘my experience’ as something ‘more important’ to be aware of/ take care of other than the actual reality that is here, that is existing as the ‘food for thought’ in a literal manner, abused and neglected and depreciated to only being ‘fuel,’ instead of realizing it is equal and one as myself, as life, as everything that is equally here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel the abuse of life through my very own participation in thoughts, feelings, emotions that would keep the ‘idea’ of me in place. Now this is not to believe that I can now ‘stop thinking’ and ‘stop abusing,’ it is about understanding the separated-value (value in itself is already a separation, but just to make it clear) that I have placed onto everything/ everyone in separation of myself – which means, that Equalizing myself as such ‘values’ which is the absolute integration of myself as everything that is here – I can simply become the director of it to establish myself as relationships that work for all as equal and one – no abuse will be allowed in that, yet it is possible to change the starting point of everything that is here through me committing myself to be the one point that begins to do so.

 

That is then, taking the first steps of self-awareness as a creator: who am I willing to be and become now that I see, realize and understand what and who I really am. It is plain simple to see that: if friction has only caused this extent of abuse and obvious separation, causing me to always ‘seek for fulfillment’ outside of myself – the obvious solution is then: reintegrating all separated parts as myself here wherein I commit myself to walk each thread that I have separated myself from, point by point, moment by moment, until standing equal and one with what is here is not only a statement, but a living realization that is able to be implemented every moment that I stop the inherently accepted separation of myself as an energetic experience through thinking, believing and perceiving myself to be ‘marlen’ only – the idea of myself that exists as the product of limitation.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create experiences within myself toward my physical body, toward my image, my personality in means of believing that ‘this is who I am and this is what I have to cultivate’ – wherein this statement became a lifetime investment of self-interest while being aware of how everything that I wanted, desired could be obtained by playing the game that is predictable and mechanic. I realize that this is not ‘good or bad,’ it is simply the starting point that I can now change/ adjust and within that, not demonize my mind, my experiences – it is about now standing equal to who and what I am as this physical body, as the direction that I am asserting as myself and being willing to change the starting point of these relationships that I created in separation of myself – as desires, wants and personal needs – into a best for all starting point, which is then the only way we can ensure that we do achieve a best for all goal.

 

See one of the pivotal points here is something that Anu describes in the interview Reptilians – Engineering God – Part 26 about what is it that we are really doing/walking/ realizing within this process wherein, it’s not about now becoming ‘empty’ and walking as zombies – but simply how to be able to stop existing as possessed mind-zombies and actually realize, recognize and accept the actual power that exist when we equalize ourselves as our mind, as everything that we have believed ourselves to be and instead, learn how the mind works and use it, as an equal-and one part of myself to create what’s best for all.

And that, was a mindblowing point that I can assure will come eventually or has come already to a realization within our process. To place this all into perspective: I’ve been ‘digesting’ all that I’ve been listening and it’s simply amazing, but not the experiential amazing that ‘makes me feel good’ but an actual realization of what the fuck we have missed throughout life: ourselves.

We are in ‘the moment’ where we can stand as absolute creators of ourselves – and this is not some type of ‘grandiose’ statement – in fact, I should not even place such disclaimer as it is only the absolute, totality, wholeness that exists here as myself – any point of ‘grandiosity’ has only been generated by my mind that feared being or even considering myself as ‘the whole,’ why would that be? Only a a mind can exist in self-deprecation and self-depreciation, and this, my fellow droogs, must stop.

: D

 

Blogs of the Day:

vlog:
2012: 7 Year Process – Stopping Judgements


2012 Sculpting in Time: Patience

 

Redefining self-creation within using the term ‘sculpting’ is suitable here within the understanding that we cannot in fact ‘create’ something anew, as everything is already here – we can stand one and equal to what is already Here as ourselves, and form/ shape/ mold ourselves within a self-directive process within the realization and recognition of who I am as one and equal as this totality and reality that is Here.

 

I can use the word manipulation wherein I re-define it as the ability to practically and physically stand one and equal as myself, my physical body to practically align myself within the consideration that, to create/ mold/ shape a world that’s in fact best for all, I must first consider aligning and correcting my own starting point within my existence here. Manos = hands in Spanish so that makes sense to consider the physical-process ‘at hand’ in a tangible way wherein we ‘intervene’ ourselves as the pattern/ shape that we have become. This implies the process that we walk wherein our mind is a direct reflection of the essence of who we are as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become in separation of life.

 

What is Life? I have only lived according to that limited reflection of self as a mind that works according to preordained patterns and habits, fears and limitations that have kept me bound to a particular mind-frame, that I created for myself. Thus, self-creation, self-sculpting to stand one and equal as who I really am implies taking definitive steps to correct myself to become the actual and full expression of life. This is thus a point wherein self as creator cannot take a ‘self-mastery’ position until self has actually walked and realized in totality what I created as myself, why and how I allowed myself to live in a limited scope dictated by my own choice to live only as a mind that thinks itself, living in a custom-made pursuit of happiness which, doesn’t matter how much I denied it or created it in opposition of the ‘usual’ pursuit of happiness, became the driving force of my life, neglecting the fact that I don’t have anything to ‘win’ or ‘attain’ or ‘achieve’ here other than self-equalization wherein all value-schemes are finally dissolved to remain as the physical reality that has always been Here, that doesn’t require me to ‘think it’ to exist.

 

This is a Process – and it is walked through space and time. This is me equalizing myself as the physical reality that I realize I exist as in space and time. Within this , I see and realize that I have existed as a perpetual pattern of rushing, of self-righteous positioning within the context of wanting to and desiring to always be in control of myself, to be ahead of my own standards which manifests as a rushing within my being, my thoughts, my actions, my very walking in this world.

 

I could call this an anxiety to ‘get somewhere’ – but even when realizing that there is nothing to attain, but only to Self-Realize as Self one and equal here, I continue perceiving a rush existing as an ingrained aspect of myself, physically and mentally lived within every action, every impulse, every moment that I miss breathing myself here, and allow myself to give into thoughts as that energetic relationship that I have created toward my own personality. I defended it because of seeing it as a ‘positive attitude’ defined within the context of this world system as ‘efficiency’ and ‘accuracy,’ which I will walk within this process of me allowing myself to establish the necessary practical and physical platform to establish patience as the consideration of the physical space and time within this process of self realization.

 

Patience sounds like ‘pace’ – I have defined physical pace as the point of self-direction in every moment that I allow myself to breathe, here, stable, constant and consistently wherein space and time is considered, wherein I am no longer existing as the rush of the mind, trying to perpetuate an idea of having to ‘do everything as fast as possible’ and recharging the self-belief and self-definition of competing against time, against myself, against others within the perception that I must always be on the top of the spear.

 

Patience is then allowing myself to equalize myself as the physical, as breath wherein I stop any rush of the mind to ‘get things done’ in separation of the moment that I am here, practically and physically doing it, directing myself within it/ as it- instead of projecting/ ejecting myself as a lightning bolt into the future wherein I ‘win’ and I then add it to the self-kept score of lifetime achievements.

 

Who I am is not an accumulation of points that can make me ‘more’ that what I am here. I am the accumulation of the thoughts, words and deeds that I correct, self forgive and direct within establishing a certain outcome that is best for all. I allow myself to walk in the moment, as there is nowhere to ‘get to’ or nothing to ‘attain’/ gain here – it is the reintegration of myself as the physical moment and stopping the energetic rush that comes as a spear ahead of me, charged with anxiety and a self-created chasing-after survival mode as my own mind, doing everything ‘the quickest possible way’ which is how I would tend to take short cuts and eventually having to go back and walk the ‘long run’ so to speak.

 

Hence the process here is to get ourselves back to ourselves to stand one and equal with no dimensional shifts of delusions like ‘having to be there’ and ‘attaining’ something, but walking self-equality and oneness within the ability to stand one and equal as the points that I see are supportive for me to accept and live within the consideration of self-creation in every moment that I live Patience as physically breathing and walking every moment here, remaining within the consideration of space and time reality to live the process of self-correction in every moment as breath, as the physical – instead of projecting it as an idea in my own mind that ‘must be done’ but simply live it.

 

How to walk this? Through practically writing out myself and Self-Forgiving the relationship I built with the idea of ‘who I must be,’ which cannot be sustained and doesn’t have-to either, as it was never built within the consideration of what’s best for all, but wrought within the desire to always be ‘on top’ and ‘winning’ and remaining as a ‘special person’ according to my own value-schemes, reinforced and self-induced by my own thoughts and judgments toward myself, others and this reality.

 

So I take these points and walk the correction to stop participating in these energetic movements of the mind, and direct myself within the understanding that this process, which is self-equalization as life here, is and will be walked within space and time. A literal slowing down to consider space and time is then the practical application to stop the automated impulse that comes up – sometimes without even ‘words’ per se – as a physically integrated aspect of myself as a energetic movement of the mind, which is what we can call personality/ ego.

 

“…whether passive or active the point is to assert ones ego as superior as winner in the end. Each has the same end goal – Domination.” Andrew Gable

 

And it is true – even if I have criticized/ judged people that have run a competition against themselves, I have done the exact same thing without wanting to allow it because of ego. And this competition was built upon my own ‘ideal’ of who I am and what I have to portray myself as at all times to remain within the same idea/ personality I built for myself in the first place. In the end it became this ‘eternal cycle’ of battling against myself – it’s always about ourselves. I mean, part of the jaw-dropping points I’ve learned in the past weeks through the what is sex interviews is that all relationships have always been toward our own mind and within understanding all the details that come with it, I realized how we have all been living as mirrors of each other, yet always missed then the point of ‘taking it back to self.’

This is how when encountering people in our reality with similar traits, quirks and personality, we develop a relationship toward ‘them’ in our own mind which is only ourselves using another as a trigger point/ cause and excuse to reinforce our self-accepted patterns and habits as our personality wherein we believe that whatever we experience is about ‘them,’ never realizing it’s always been about ourselves living in a mirror-mirror reality that we are now aware of, must stop with and within ourselves here.

Till this day, I can see that it is an actual ‘abnormal human effort’ to develop such practical common sense within us. It really does – and it is a process walked in space-time as part of the ‘gist’ of it is walking through space and time within the consideration of every thread that we accepted and allowed to separate ourselves from.

At times, I have to take a moment to just breathe and let go, because of realizing to what extent we have separated ourselves from the simplicity that we actually are, here, physically and how we could have stopped all this avalanche of consequence if we had all heard to that inner self-honest voice of doing what’s best for all, considering each other as equals wherein no winners or losers can exist.

However what’s done is done, and it’s here for us to walk, assisting and supporting ourselves to ensure that all separation begins and ends within each one of us here.

This will continue.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate myself and using myself and what I exist as to suit a self-interest based personality of wanting to always be accomplishing, winning, being and remaining on top, which is how I realize I have used my mind in order to orchestrate and lay out strategies wherein I could be always in a ‘safe spot’ within the self-definition of being ‘unique’ and ‘special’ –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself, my physical body and my mind in order to continue fueling an idea of ‘having to become something more’ which lead me to continually chase-after anything that could allow me to continue residing within the ‘safe spot’ of being on top, ahead of others and of myself as a dimensional separation from the physical reality that is here.

I realize that I created a delusional reality of having to ‘upkeep’ the idea of myself, without ever realizing that any personality-feed that I created for myself, was in fact only existent in my own mind, externalized as ‘who I am’ to the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant pattern of rushing within the self-righteous idea of wanting and desiring to be ‘ahead’ of myself and others, within existing as a constant projection of ‘having everything done quickly’ which has manifested as my physical self-experience wherein rushing at a mind level ensues a level of anxiety wherein there is a perceived idea of ‘getting something done’ in separation of myself

I realize that I am able and capable of moving myself at the physical pace, slowing down from my current application wherein breath becomes the pace to establish patience within the process of self correction that is here, as myself, when I realize that I am able to live the words that I place as a platform and blueprint of self-sculpting/ self-creation through space and time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define efficiency and accuracy as fast-speeding and hurrying/ rushing to get things done throughout my life. This is how I allowed myself to live only at a mind-level of pursuing to ‘accomplish tasks’ to continue adding points to my personal-score.

I realize that all mind-projections and energetic-ejections of rushing and hasting was only to upkeep this idea of myself that I see has been one of the prominent dimensional shifts from the physical reality that is here, as every breath, that must be walked in self-awareness in every moment to ensure that I stop following any lightning bolt thought of wanting to do things ‘as fast as possible’ which only leads me to miss out the actual process of self-realization As the moment that is here as breath.

I see and realize that life is not about ‘becoming something/ someone’ or ‘achieving’ anything – or keeping up a certain idea of ‘who I am,’ it is about actual living and understanding of self-creation as the decision and direction of how I can practically walk myself at a physical level, within the consideration of what is best for all. Within this point of self-honesty I realize that no more, no less, no behind and no ahead can exist, as all dimensions of past, present and future exist here, as myself, as the physical moment of breathing.

Walking at the physical pace is nor slow or fast, it is the pace that is walked as the consideration of space and time, as the reality that we are and create in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss breathing myself here every time that I access the self-created pattern of ‘having to rush’ whenever I have to accomplish a particular task, and defending it as a ‘positive trait’ within me as ‘efficiency’ and ‘accuracy’

I realize that I adopted this patterns within the belief that I could then become like the ‘ideal’ that I perceived others in my reality to be-like, never realizing that I copied the ‘most effective’ survival mechanism in order to prevail as the ‘constantly winning’ personality that I fed as myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having considered being ‘fast’ and ‘accurate’ as a positive trait within myself, because of how I would get rewarded and awarded for doing things as ‘fast as I could’ – thus building this idea that there is always something to ‘achieve’, some ‘score to brake’ within myself, not realizing that all that I fed was the idea, belief and perception I created of myself as ‘the ever-conquering winner’ toward others.

And it’s fascinating because I see and realize that this became ‘so much who I am’ that I continued existing as this, which is a surreptitious and prevailing superiority toward others.

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the underlying self-belief of superiority toward others in my world within the belief that such ‘superiority’ is ‘who I am’ and that I am now ‘diminishing myself’ by having to walk at a ‘slower pace’ – which is only a perceptual consideration and mechanism of my own mind to defend the regular desire to intake as much ‘rush’ as possible to ‘upkeep’ the idea of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always see this trait of being ‘fast’ and ‘accurate’ within a positive scope, which veiled it from me walking it through self-forgiveness in fear of actually losing that idea of myself, which became a pillar to the entire personality based on superiority and inferiority of and as my own mind toward myself and others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recharge the self-belief and self-definition of having to be constantly ‘competing against time’ without realizing that I was only competing against myself and in doing that, keeping myself busy as the mind, directing me only from that energetic drive and impulse within the starting point of rushing, instead of realizing that whatever I do, say and think must be a self-directed action in every moment that I am living and existing at the physical pace wherein I become the directive principle of my words, thoughts and actions, in self-awareness of each moment being the moment of self-correction to live patience as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ‘must’ always remain ‘at the top of the spear’ wherein there is an energetic input in order to make the spear move, as that energetic drive within ‘rushing’ that I see and realize is an energetic charge that I am able to stop in every moment of breath wherein I allow myself to take the necessary time and space to walk the point breath-by-breath, moment-by-moment.

I realize that self-creation is not a matter of producing ‘products’ that I can get a certain ‘reward’ from – it is about self-understanding who I am, what I have become and walking the actual corrections in space and time, which can only then be seen and proven as I walk within space and time, wherein what I have in every moment is the ability to direct and correct myself to make sure the starting point of everything I do, say, think is based in the moment, and not acting out of an accumulation of backchat as self-talk to continue existing as the personality and ego of the mind within ‘rushing’ and competing against time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having used time as my ‘enemy’ and my excuse and an ally when it came to being a constant factor within the self-definition as ‘rushing’ within my life experience.

I realize that I have been the only obstacle and ‘fuel’ to drive myself as this constant rushing-experience within me. I also realize that I have claimed to ‘not have enough time’ without realizing that within rushing I am in fact missing the moment that is here wherein no time is required to be considered, but only self-movement breath-by-breath and moment-by-moment wherein the accumulation of such moments as breath directed toward a specific outcome, will inevitably lead to the certainty of that outcome as I have then placed myself in full-awareness within this self-directed process of self-creation – it is no longer a mind-creation and ‘idea’ of myself getting somewhere/ becoming something. It is myself here walking As that self-realization in space and time, as breath, as the moment, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having sought to take ‘short cuts’ to ‘get it all done as fast as possible’ which means that I am in fact not living self-correction as the moment, but creating an idea of getting myself ‘somewhere else,’ instead of realizing that short-cutting myself is only a mind-loop that will inevitably have to be walked within space and time as that’s the only point of self-creation that exist in this physical reality.

I realize that I have lived as the ‘quantum version’ of myself, as that idea of myself ‘getting somewhere’ and ‘becoming something’ within no-time, which is neglecting the very physical and actual reality that is here. Thus I realize that the only way to establish self equality and oneness is living here as the physical pace of breath, as the moment wherein I assess what is required to be done and live it As the moment – not to ‘get it done’ but live it as myself moment by moment until it is actually done in space-and-time as the physical reality that I then live as ‘who I am’ not as an idea that I have created of ‘who I am.’

That’s how ‘self-definition’ dissolves when the integration through space and time is no longer an energetic addiction or subtraction of points within an ego/ personality construction, but a self-equalization that is lived as ‘who I am’ as the physical reality – it is no longer bound or defined as a mind-reality, but lived as self in every moment wherein there are no longer any ‘scores’ to keep.

I realize that self-equality and oneness is a physical integration of myself out of the mind and into the physical through living the words that I have laid out here for me to consider in every moment that I am here, wherein when and as I see myself wanting to ‘rush’ and ‘speed up’ my pace and general activities within my reality, I stop and I breathe. I realize that walking patience as myself is the consideration of me walking within space and time as the actual integration of self-correction lived breath-by-breath and moment-by-moment wherein there is ‘nowhere to get to’ other than Here, grounding myself as the physical body that is self-directive within every thought and every breath. This is the space-time process to walk as self, here.

 

“Just slow down and breathe before you write and look at your words through the eyes of life and through the eyes of others and LIVE them to life, regardless – and with that you will lift yourself to life. It is in the service as the written word that we design ourselves as life. You are ready to grasp this. Breathe and accept it.” Bernard Poolman

 

“Moment M-o-(me)nt – Moment is the manifestation/physical living of Me (M) and how I decide/direct as live (nt) this Me practically in this world/reality, as a constant/consistent expression/standing/living (o) of ‘who I am’ (me), with me, the manifestation of me (the physical) and the living of me being an infactness that stand eternal because this Me is ALL, in/as equality and oneness and thus the Moment is Me, HERE– is the hereness of me as I am Moment, which is the very physical lived expression of equality and oneness always. Moment is HERE. Moment is always HERE as I am always Here – and therefore, self-realisation, the opportunity of rebirth to self-awareness is always HERE, open, waiting – in every moment of breath…” Sunette Spies

 

I occupy the space that I breathe in

 

Interview that allowed me to realize this:

Reptilians – The Quantum Time Illusion – Part 11

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