Tag Archives: obsessive compulsive behavior

230. Opposing My Roots

Elitist Character: Mental Disorders Hide us From Self Responsibility– Opposing My Roots: It’s my family’s fault! Character – Writing.

Continuing with:

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

 

If I look back at where did I get these emotional imprints from, it’s quite obvious that they stem from our parents and immediate family which is the environment where we shaped ourselves from the very first 7 years of our life, determining ‘who we would be’ for the rest of our lifetime. We are currently aware that no couple of parents are absolutely aware of all the intricacies and considerations that must be regarded when it comes to preparing themselves to have a child and then to also Know How to Educate a Child in order to ensure that this absolutely important process of bringing another life into this world is considered as the most important task any human being can embark themselves on in this life.

I got a very cool reality-check when listening to the Horse Interviews

Birthing a new Life through the Eyes of a Horse

wherein I realized to what extent we don’t honor each other and the totality of what is here as ourselves, I can say it with words how it was a cold-shock to realize how we are seen by animals as the example of How NOT to do/ be/ become or bring “life” on Earth, and instead how we should learn from them. Hearing the entire explanation certainly made me reconsider everything I had secretly loathed – well, most like openly loathed – about bringing children into this world and essentially, giving birth to new beings.

 

In terms of the development of our emotions and feelings, it’s common to always try and ‘make the baby happy’ and imprinting the reward system with concealments like giving milk to the child so that he can ‘shut up’ – I know I would do that and get it right every time. I learned how to get people’s attention through throwing a tantrum until I was old enough to realize that I was not going to get anywhere if I would continue, and so I stopped. But there were aspects that were ‘normal’ at home with which I grew up with and never investigated why they were so ingrained. I blamed my own ‘apprehension’ at school or the pressure I would have from peers or anything else, but as far as I remember I was quite angry as a child, always desperate, nervous, fearful, irritable and easily annoyed.

 

Throughout this process I’ve worked with aligning and correcting the patterns to get myself to a point of stability wherein I am certainly more ‘Here’ than creating this constant nervousness or apprehension/ worry/ stress that would lead to anxiety.

 

I can see, however, that I had definitive influences from parental figures in terms of adopting ways to deal with situations like: being impatient, angry, yelling out when things would not work, and get even more irritated when someone tried to ‘calm me down’ as I’ve explained in some previous blogs. This single acceptance of me as an ‘angry person’ and a general irateness became part of ‘who I am’ in such a way that it became unnoticeable to me, I truly believed that one had to just go up in flames every time something was not done the right way/my way, or that I could place order and control through exerting anger upon others = instilling fear within them so that I could have a sense of security and confidence over others. This included intimidating my own parents later on and as I’ve explained, I have memories of being 3 years old and already becoming seriously angry-possessed. I of course don’t blame my parents because I am aware of how I simply acquired this way of being, adopted it as ‘who I am’ and became it without a question, I learned how to ‘make others feel bad’ for myself and the moment I would see they would go into this ‘helplessness’ with/ toward me when being in such irate states, I would put even more effort within my own anger-possessions, which is where the entire point of ‘you are crazy’ came up and developed this entire spitefulness mode within me toward… well virtually anything or anyone that would be ‘against’ my way of being/ looking at things or trying to ‘impose’ me anything- yes, authority issues if you call it that.

 

I am aware that my mother would speak with me about these situations, but I just didn’t want to hear because the energy experience was more overwhelming than any form of common sense, and I would only shut up when I was too tired/ drained from throwing tantrums. Now, these points were not that often but, when I would get angry, it was quite hectic.

 

I also remember looking at other kids in the supermarket, crying and throwing a tantrum toward their parents so that the parents would buy them toys, and I would feel as if I was ‘over that,’ already comparing myself to others and basing the ‘who I am’ in relation to other kids, but I would do the same, probably not about getting  a toy or something like that, sometimes I would throw a tantrum just to not have to go and play with other kids. Hence the whole thing of ‘you are not normal!’ (Read:  111. ‘Why aren’t you normal?‘)

and yes, if you hear the Short Fuse Temper interview, you’ll get my life presented in an interview – with some differences but essentially the mechanism is there Life Review – Short Fused Temper Tantrums « EQAFE

 

Now, the memory that comes to mind is my mother calling my father several names indicating he had some type of anger management problems.  Of course I didn’t know what a mental disorder was nor what the words Actually meant, but just hearing her calling him that became an imprint that I was absolutely unaware of I had picked it up at some quantum level, and the words I remember her saying were ‘neurotic’ and ‘hysteric.’ This is an indication of how we actually speak without any form of awareness of how these emotional outbursts could be elevated to a range of ‘mental disorder’ in a soft-blow manner. It’s been actually absolutely cool to walk a mind construct in relation to my father which I partially shared in this blog, and got to know a lot about myself from that, even shared with him about my anger issues discoveries and solutions.

 

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But, going back to the words  I would hear as neurotic, hysteric and others  indicated that there was a problem. I got to be quite aware of diseases from an early age as well as having a grand mother that was sick thought my entire lifetime for various reasons of her tormented life – which I have realized I kind of picked up in relation to this ‘depression’ and self-belittlement as well as the way she lead her life of isolation but at the same time existing in this cry-out for help. Lol, she irritated me a lot, I would irritate her just because I could. I have this memory of going to her house and just being ‘in the mood’ of irritating her and so, she was quite a ‘mess’ in her room and she would always have this entire box with medicines in it, she was always on medication – of which I remember also making fun of  all the meds she’d take as well – and I saw that it all was quite messy and what I did was: grabbed the box and ordered all her pills and medicine containers in what was a ‘perfect manner’ according to me. I wanted to ‘do good’ but at the same time I knew it would somehow piss her off, so, it did. She got quite pissed off and Marlen went into the mode of ‘I will never do anything good for her ever again!’ and so our relationship went on within that vein.

 

I always tried to ‘play funny’ with her because she was always in this irritable state. Hence my dislike for her was mostly a fear of becoming like her and I can see how till this day every time that I want things to get done As I Say, When I Say it is an indication of me playing out my grandmother and as such my mother and somehow my father as well. She was the type of person that played strong to raise her children while my grand father had several other children with other wives, so the entire victimization character and helplessness was coming form there as well as many other points like how to get people’s attention through being sick/ causing conflict in order to have power over others and so forth.

We developed this half-joking way of pissing each other off when we would meet. She would laugh and I would laugh but I can only have some few memories of us having any real conversations, which would mostly be about her memories/ her life/ getting to know her a bit, and that’s the end of our relationship. She died when I wasn’t in this country. I never bothered to go see her grave or anything like that and I see that when I bring her up there’s still some scorn toward her for whatever reasons I have secretly blamed her for, such as causing much distress in my mother, which I then saw as the reason why my other would be possessed and then take it out on us in one way or another. All these constant worrying, being infatuated with things, obsessed, hypochondriac, fearful became aspects that I have played out as well and can identify I would judge of her all the time.

 

Obviously, this is nothing personal since we are all aware we have become our minds through acceptance and allowance and that my point of responsibility is ensure I hold no grudge, idea or belief of ‘them’ doing something ‘onto me,’ but more like Me realizing, seeing and understanding how I accepted and allowed myself to imprint, copy and transfer their personas into myself and play it out, believing this was ‘who I was.’ This became also every clear when I developed an antagonism toward her or any other family member: they are able to show me where I have separated myself from ‘my roots’ through playing the opposite but, in the end, never taken responsibility for it.

 

Another point is that I never went to a psychologist except for one time when I ‘asked for help for my friend’ with my high school’s psychologist and all I can take from her is one vital point. She said ‘who is here asking for help: You or Him?’ – and so it burned my ego out for a moment to realize that I was in fact needing help, but I had refused to do so because of fearing having some form of actual problem, I feared obviously having to be seriously taken as mentally disturbed or having some problem. I don’t know how much I fooled myself within this but, to my eyes even at that time, we all were playing phony characters while inside, when being alone, we all felt equally sad, disgraceful, powerless, ugly, hating ourselves for whatever reason but everyone would just play dumb and happy to create a masquerade, and as much as I would be aware of this, I played along as well pretty much out of fear of having to open myself up to anyone about my experience. That’s one of the reasons I begun writing a lot but, without any form of common sense and actual self support, I would only go round in circles pouring out my emotions and feelings in several notebooks without reaching any form of change, because I was STILL believing myself to be IT.

 

This is how due to the extent that I would hear about people going on medications and having ‘mental disorders’ I simply feared getting that but at the same time made it my personal way of being wherein I would entertain myself with these ‘outrageous thoughts’ and way of looking at life which was also a mechanism to cope with everything that I had deemed as frightening to get to. Which includes fearing eventually going senile and insane and all of the illnesses that would indicate some form of mental disorder. I guess we all have that for that matter when thinking about old age and deterioration of our sanity. So, what’s the way to make peace with it? Turn the fear into a fascination, turn the fear into something  you can have some ‘control over’ apparently – hence my story. I never took a single pill for any form of mental disorder since that was absolutely seen as taking regular drugs by my family. But I never reached out for any form of support to understand my experiences other than equally ‘lost’ friends with whom I created bonds that lead me to only upgrade my self-beliefs. This was so until I got to Desteni.

 

So, this proves how also due to knowledge and information and fear of having to be labeled as depressed or having some form of chronic anxiety (read your Wikipedia it’s the new way of calling ‘neurosis’  “Instead, the disorders once classified as neuroses are now considered anxiety disorders”)

 

I am here walking this process to take responsibility for All the knowledge and information that I imprinted as ‘who I am’ based on environmental/ familial/ peer influence of which we are all affected by even if we ‘like it or not.’ This is one of the reasons why it must be understood that: unless we care for each other as equals and ensure a general Well Being and ‘Mental Health’  in society,  our current social-insanity will still seep through our educational systems, our entire system configuration that is based on a constant process of instilling FEAR instead of ways and support to Live. Hence it is virtually impossible for any person to be absolutely ‘sane’ and ‘normal’ in this  world wherein the very mechanism of how the mind worked was not at all in accordance to living life, but exists as the very Evil / Reverse of Life that we all accepted and allowed ourselves to become. And obviously to make a business out of it is a double mindfuck to say the least.

 

Long story, but will work with it bit by bit as quite a ‘few’ points came up today. How did I get to this? Word in the dictionary: kinsfolk – and so, got to see the points I had deliberately side viewed from my past until now.

 

Within this all we can see how we made a ‘big deal’ out of these emotional experiences in our mind, self created at all times. Equated them to points I had to try and ‘sort out myself’ without knowing I was reinforcing them, instead of ever realizing it was me and my mind participation that can be self corrected. We’ve essentially made a disease of a relationship that was already in no way ‘harmonious’ such as what the mind represents in relationship to the physical body.

And all of this is certainly something to take Self Responsibility for.

— This will continue  with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application on the afore mentioned points

 

 

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Blogs:

DeBA(I)Ting Life (Part 2): DAY 230

Day 230: The White Light and the Legion of Angels – ADC – Part 77

 

Interviews:


150. Meeting my Mirror = Equalizing the Reflection

Continuing with 149. Meeting my Mirror = My Error

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to face myself as another in my reality playing out character that I used to live-as in order to equalize our application within common sensical/ practical living considerations that are physically based and not mind-obsessive based

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an immediate kinship toward someone that I perceive is ‘similar to me’ in terms of my old habits about cleaning which I had regarded as ‘unique’ or ‘not so common,’ thus when finding someone that presents the ‘same symptoms,’ I create an immediate understanding of their experience and expression stemming from the ‘who I am’ as such character – thus

When and as I see myself immediately ‘liking’ someone because they represent an aspect of myself that I had considered being a virtue, I stop and I breathe. I realize that we are able to communicate and establish a cool point of communication without now creating a point of separation toward ‘others’ as ‘those that do not commune with our cleanliness’ and within that, instigating separation between the members of the house. .

I realize that I am able to establish a point of support for ourselves through communicating/ interacting without reinforcing any point of separation based on the ‘who we are’ as cleanliness characters.

I commit myself to communicate and develop a relationship that is not based on ‘being similar characters’  – we’ve represented within being the ‘clean’ persons, but instead assist and support myself to be open to communicate with everyone here without creating a point of separation within my mind now that ‘I’ve got someone to communicate with that’s similar to me,’ as that would be reinforcing a point of separation that is not necessary to ‘embody’ as I realize that if the actions and patterns can be directed within a common sensical point of application that’s best for all, then we do so, as that is in the best interest of all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience within me for having someone to ‘backup my cleanliness’ and thinking that ‘I am not alone anymore’ within my cleaning habits in the house, instead of realizing that I have actually worked with becoming more flexible and establishing a point of laxity in terms of being ‘too picky’ when it comes to cleanliness – thus

 

When and as I see myself thinking that I am now not alone in my cleaning habits/ patters as someone else is now supporting them with the same zeal, I stop and I breathe. I consider the process that I have walked in order to not be ‘that’ obsessed about cleaning and the time that I have actually walked to – bit by bit – stop reacting to patterns of ‘uncleanliness’ which I then take into consideration to within this new acquaintance not reinforce them to ‘get back to the obsessive-compulsive behavior of cleaning all the time – thus

 

I commit myself to become an example of how one can be and become less ‘concerned’ about dirtiness the whole time and also take into consideration the practicality of keeping a space as clean as possible when living with other people that do not subscribe to ‘cleanliness perfection,’ – thus it is to establish a point of balance wherein only common sensical measures with a proper  ‘leeway’ to ensure that no polarity of cleanliness/ uncleanliness is the directive starting point, but simple common sensical sustenance of our environment in common areas that we live in.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘good’ about finding someone that is ‘as clean as myself/ even cleaner than me’ as that indicates that ‘I am not the only one crazy here,’ which would be reinforcing the cleanliness character that I have assisted and supported myself to slowly but surely become more supple on, to not be as rigid as I used to in terms of reacting in anger and contempt when finding dirt/ not seeing everything ‘sparkling clean.’ Thus

When and as I see myself creating a point of resort in another for ‘supporting my patterns of cleanliness’ to then reinforce my application, I stop and I breathe. I realize that creating this point of separation would be like going back to an obsessive-compulsive aspect of myself that I have worked with to stop and correct within an equal and one consideration of others living in the same environment, and within this, becoming more flexible when it comes to cleaning habits.

 

I commit myself to remain walking my process of establishing a point of common sense of when to direct someone to clean/ when to be flexible and not react/ demand immediate action, as I realize that I have to consider others within this process of understanding that a habit that’s best for all/ supportive such as marinating an environment the best way possible is an actual practical living-educational aspect that won’t be established overnight as I have to consider other people’s contexts and life experiences wherein I cannot ‘change them’ to immediately apply/do/ act as I say, but instead have to create a point of understanding within the consideration of what is best for all living in the house at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to create a cleanliness character of ‘compulsive purity’ wherein I would become possessed in anger and contempt every time that a single ‘dirt footstep’ was impressed on my immaculate white tiling,’ which became a constant point of worry and concern that I did not see as an exaggeration at times, but something that was in accordance to me wanting to exist in a ‘perfect picture presentation’ of myself as the external world, while actually existing with a lot of shit inside myself – which is something that I had not considered how I tried to ‘wash myself’ from the outside and have this perfect-picture presentation, but not daring to actually see what patterns I was living as, what experiences I was going through and feeding through other addictive patterns and relationships at the time that I would actually ‘shove away’ through this compulsive outside cleaning.

When and as I see myself cleaning in a compulsive manner again, I stop and I breathe – I can see and understand that this is a pattern that I actually created as a ‘coping mechanism’ toward a point in my reality that I would try to suppress and cover up with compulsively cleaning and being constantly ‘watchful’ of cleanliness, which I recognize becomes a constant point of preoccupation and concern in the mind, instead of being here as breath.

I commit myself to instead walk the process of ‘cleaning’ myself from the inside to see how and why I externalized that process as a way to ‘entertain’ myself with the Idea of cleanliness while existing within a point of suppression to see ‘what’s inside me.’ Thus I assist and support myself to remind myself of this pattern being an actual mind-driven compulsive behavior instead of an actual common sensical consideration, and within this, also assist and support others to see the same points as factors that support us all to live in a way that’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to become ‘self righteous’ about my cleaning habits and creating a point of separation to the extent of liking/ disliking people according to ‘how clean they were,’ which has actually been a measuring point within me toward others in a silent/ unspoken and ‘unaware’ manner, wherein I create a point of preference toward anyone that presents a ‘cleanliness’ pattern to which I immediately create a kinship toward and identify such person as someone that ‘I like’ just because it represents an aspect of me that I have believed to be ‘rare’ and ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is actually stemming from what I learned from my father in terms of not many people being ‘comfortable’ with cleaning and creating cleaning habits ‘for a lifetime.’

When and as I see myself creating a point of preference, righteousness and specialness toward people that present a similar ‘trait’ to the character I played as ‘the compulsive cleaner,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that identifying people according to the similar characters they play in relation to the points that I’ve considered as ‘unique’ and ‘special’ within me, creates a point of immediate specialness and uniqueness toward such person as a character. thus

I commit myself to be able to recognize similar patterns within others as myself, to assist and support me and others to step out of character to a common sensical application of – in this case – cleaning habits, wherein we do not only consider our ‘point of view’ and living-application, but also others that are not ‘too keen on cleaning’ on the same basis that we do. Thus, it is to establish a point of communication at all times in terms of the points that must be reinforced within taking care of the common areas we share, our assigned duties and as such, ensure that we do not create ‘two teams’ opposing each other within the cleaning habits of the house.

 

It is also a cool point to support others as myself by being an example of an equilibrated application of cleaning habits so that there is no point of judgment and blaming others for dirtiness, but instead consider a practical consideration of cleaning on a regular basis without it being a time consuming and mind-consuming activity that is considered as a ‘must do’ at all times, though becoming aware of any exigencies that are stemming from a character-request and which exigencies are actual common sensical considerations that are based on what is best for all to live in/ as within the common areas we share in the house.

 

I realize that in the past, creating a compulsive behavior toward cleaning lead me to end up living alone because of people not being able to stand ‘walking at my pace’ within my mind-driven obsession. Thus it is to remain within my application of a certain laxity and suppleness when it comes to cleaning, and as such, assist and support others to establish this point of equilibrium as well wherein what is best for all is reinforced and talked through/ communicated about in order to have no excuses/ justifications to not do the necessary work or being ‘over board.’ Thus a point of moderation can be established as practical considerations instead of character-needs that create friction between the two poles leading to eventual conflict and separation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually create a point of ‘shock’ within seeing myself in another in such a clear way wherein the specific use of words, mannerisms and expression reminded me of ‘who I was’ some years ago, which I had not found before and is also a cool point to see how characters work/ manifest in a way wherein

When and as I ‘see myself’ in another presenting a specific pattern that used to define ‘who I am,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is not to create now a point of identification based on such similar old patterns, as that would be ‘stepping back’ to the who I was as such character in the past, which for the most part is slowly but surely being debunked – However,  in the cleanliness point I see  and realize how easy it is to ‘reactivate it’ as a point of possession/ obsession if someone else is also reinforcing such pattern within me.

Thus I commit myself to realize that allowing myself to be influenced by another’s application that reinforces similar characters within me is ‘stepping back’ to the old ways which I am busy walking a process of self-equality and oneness of – thus I it is to be and become supportive toward myself and others to establish an equilibrium within our application, and instead focus on working with ‘cleaning ourselves’ and facing the points that require purging/ cleaning within in order to make the outside cleaning an equal and one application of what we do within ourselves as our mind, which will then become not a point of obsession or compulsive behavior, but a practical consideration of what’s best for all to live in/ as – as within so without.

For further support and assistance to get to know ‘who we are’ as ‘characters’ and as such, walk a process to equalize our ‘special needs’ to common sensical considerations in the best interest of all, visit:

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