Tag Archives: openness

559. “I should be done with this by now”

Or how to let go of control and rigidity while doing some self-investigation

 

This is the reaction that I got when having to look at a particular word that was placed within my attention to look at, and the word is ‘miss’ as in missing. When first looking at it, I considered that I had already worked through many dimensions of ‘missing’ because that’s been quite a common thing in my experience when it comes to any form of relationship, where missing becomes a life-draining situation and so here I have to also look at the starting point of working through the process of ‘letting go’ of something or someone in order to simply not have to ‘experience more pain’ which can be a conditioning factor where I am then ‘working on it’ to make myself feel better or not feel ‘worse’ or ‘feel any pain or sorrow’- instead of fully making it as a realization of who I am, what I can learn and stand up from in my life.

 

Therefore when I looked at the word ‘missing’ I believed that I was in a way ‘safe from harm’ which means not holding any grudges, sorrow, pain, loss and the rest of it that comes with parting ways with someone, which usually results in ‘missing’ a person, the relationship formed with them or a part of ourselves that we are no longer living since the person is no longer with us.

 

As much as I can work through this pattern, I saw that part of my reaction upon having to run a self-examination to see who am I in relation to the word ‘miss’ and having to look at something or someone I am missing, a barrier came up within me wherein I was standing almost like a guard in front of any possible memory about myself, my past relationships that could rear their head upon being triggered by the word ‘missing’, where I would stand with a baton kind of being ready to ‘whack it back to its place’ in order to ensure that I am in fact ‘done and over’ missing anything or anyone in my life, in essence already wanting to suppress whatever would come up while placing myself in ‘investigation’ or ‘look within’ mode.

 

The interesting thing is how it was very hard for me to admit I can STILL be ‘missing’ something or someone, because to me ‘I should be done with that by now’ which then causes a point of righteousness, rigidity and idealism in terms of ‘being over and done walking something’ – yet the very fact that I reacted to having to investigate on this word is proving that I STILL have unresolved aspects and issues with the word ‘missing’, wherein after I let go of me standing as the ‘guardian’ ready to whack ideas or thoughts of people, situations or a time in my past, I realized that I had not admitted to myself that I in fact was missing certain people in my life and that I had only made it all ‘ok’ to me in a form of creating a closure with it- but not really a closure – it was more like a veil placed upon having ‘processed’ some stuff and with that believing I am no longer affected by it, while ultimately in fact knowing that there are so many factors and dimensions to who we are, the relationships that we create, the phases we go through and even the way in which we look back at our lives and such relationships changes as we also change within ourselves.

 

Therefore the point within me that I have to let go of is this rigidity and point of control within me as the belief that ‘I am done with missing’ or ‘I have worked in all the aspects I could possibly work in relation to missing, I should be done with it by now’ and ultimately ‘I miss nothing’ yet! Knowing there are actual motions going on in my body which indicates: there ARE things to look at, I just have to be willing to look at it and admit it. Upon looking at it these past two days, I am grateful that I can now see how I am having my core shaken by having a look at a word that I frankly didn’t even notice how much I was avoiding to look at, because of precisely still not having fully resolved my relationship to ‘missing’ people, relationships or parts of myself that I came to live through and within certain relationships, and all of this was in order to make myself ‘stronger,’ but here I see how actual strength emerges by having the courage to admit to oneself one’s truth, what still comes up and emerges in a moment, instead of wanting to create a ‘strong’ façade as if nothing can ‘hurt’ me anymore, but that would only result in further suppressions and denials that I would have to invariably get through at some point = what goes around, comes around.

 

I here then remind myself to not get into a righteousness and tightness in relation to what I believe I am ‘done’ working with, because I can’t really know until there is in fact nothing ‘moving’ within me when opening up memories or discussing about the topic of ‘missing’ people or situations in my life, and be humble as well within myself to recognize that no matter how much I can believe I am ‘taking on a point’ and opening it up in all possible dimensions, there will always be aspects, parts, dimensions that I have probably not worked through and that I can instead be grateful they open up and emerge upon something or someone in my reality mentioning words, memories that could be triggering reactions within me.

 

That’s also another way to approach my reactions in a supportive manner, instead of getting into an egotistical position of ‘I should have been done and over with it by now’ which is quite inflexible and limiting when it comes to walking this process because it only makes the process of accepting reality unnecessarily difficult. And this is in fact where I have to remind myself of self-honesty, where it’s not about being right or wrong, but being open in what I see and how I see things as they emerge, to let go of wanting to stand as the guard in front of my memories, ready to whack them back into their passive existence within me, because ultimately whatever I was trying to hide within myself is just out of ego really, the whole point here is to be willing and open to see oneself in all depths and crevasses and uncomfortable spots where it is actually an awesome thing that something or someone can get us out of our comfort zone just by opening up one word to look at, that’s quite amazing and that’s how it is also quite impossible to believe one can walk ‘through one’s mind’ all alone, nope.

 

The best thing is ultimately being able to be ok with opening it up, being vulnerable within accepting what is still bothering me, no matter how much I have written it out or ‘processed’ it over the years or even understood it at an intellectual level. This process certainly doesn’t ‘function’ the same way that one would prepare for an exam or test, where you know exactly what you have to study, practice and then get it done with a ‘good result’. Our lives don’t work that way.

 

I have to be therefore willing and open to see what really came up in relation to the word ‘missing’ and instead of seeing this word with discomfort, pressure, evasion or any similar reaction, I can instead work with it, see it as a gift I can open up to get to know myself better, to see where else I can ‘dig’ and align, correct, walk through or even ‘heal’ in a way within myself – to no longer hide it or suppress it – considering that as with everything: if it is ‘bothering’ me at any level, it means there’s processing to do for me and I can therefore assist myself in doing so with the tools I got to write myself,  open up in self-honesty, forgive myself and lay out the corrections which are always going to be ways to expand, grow and change and in this context of missing, being able to give back to myself aspects, words that I have ‘missed’ living as myself and that have remained ‘locked out’ in certain relationships of my past.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

For further support on understanding and walking through Avoidance, please check out: these series at eqafe.com

  1. Avoidance: Introduction – Atlanteans – Part 277
  2. Avoidance: Not So Honest, Actually – Atlanteans – Part 278
  3. Avoidance: Guilt and Responsibility – Atlanteans – Part 279
  4. Avoidance: How You Change – Atlanteans – Part 280
  5. Avoidance: Face Yourself – Atlanteans – Part 281
  6. Avoidance: I’m Right, You’re Wrong – Atlanteans – Part 282
  7. Avoidance: Support – Atlanteans – Part 283
  8. Avoidance: Recognition – Atlanteans – Part 284

 

 

 

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396. I Think, therefore I Assume

ASSumptions and Self Trust

I realized how in one single moment where I trust my mind and assumptions made in my mind in one single moment of reaction where I jumped into conclusions,  ‘linking the dots’ to assume about another’s’ words/actions, I in that moment actually miss my point of self-trust and instead go into trusting my mind. How many times have I heard: do not trust your mind which means, to not trust any form of reaction, emotion, thought that I am not directly seeing for its full implication such as:

Who am I the moment that I am assuming this point about another? Who am I within ASSuming?

Because it’s really not about another here, it’s about myself being working in my mind in such assumption-mode which is something I had taken for granted actually so it is also cool that this point emerged in such a ‘straight’ manner, where I am able to actually see how I created a rift within a relationship, but more so within myself as in that moment I was not fully here considering all the implications of me thinking/assuming about others which is then part of how we concoct conflicts ‘about others’ but really is only a conflict I create in my mind based on also an accumulation of other assumptions that I also deemed as ‘unimportant,’ not considering the accumulation that takes place when I went assuming things and instead of confronting them with the person, the point then emerged as an automated assumption to fulfill my previous ideas/beliefs about what was going on with others’ lives.

This is also a very pertinent point as I could notice it created the kind of ‘hangover’ I hadn’t experienced in a long time, when you know that you did something that could have had further consequences that I didn’t measure when jumping into these series of thoughts and so, it is also to debunk the ‘perfect world’ that I also have in my head about my relationships with others, and to realize how careful and utmost attention I require to exist as in every moment to Not judge, not go into assumption, not ‘draw conclusions’ based on what I believe/think/perceive about others.

From making such mistake and going into feeling ‘bad’ or ‘guilty’ I would only trap myself in yet another emotion to cloud the actual point to learn here and to take self responsibility for, which is how to be able to stop assumptions that stem from a moment of ‘linking the dots’ according to what in I decided ‘made sense’ based on previous points where I also assumed points about another. So, if anything what I am here to develop is self-trust in a new dimension I hadn’t considered before: being able to trust myself to be Here as breath in every moment to be very aware of any minor reaction but mostly Assumption that’s the key word here as that’s where one draws conclusions without physical proof that things are the way I am ASSuming they are/happened.

 

 

assume
n    verb
1    accept as true without proof.
2    take (responsibility or control).
3    begin to have (a quality, appearance, or extent). Adopt falsely.

 

So there’s a few points to self-forgive here:

1. Not being here in the moment when I quickly jumped into conclusions and assuming something about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume which is to accept a thought, a reaction, an experience within me as ‘true’ and as such trust my thoughts, my reactions, my experience instead of being fully present here and able to assess every single thought that I accept and allow to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘assumption’ which is a rather unfortunately common way to quickly draw conclusions and ‘make up my mind’ about something/someone without actually proving it myself, gathering the actual information, cross referencing it, communicating with the person or in the situation I am creating any form of assumption about and as such I realize that assuming is nothing else but a fancy way to name lying/lies wherein I accept myself to concoct and fabricate a lie to myself in order to prove other lies to me which I have also created/drawn about something/someone

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever FEEL certain about ‘my assumptions’ and within this not realizing that I am placing trust into my thoughts, my Feelings, my emotions, my mind instead of first actually Stopping and looking at what am I actually doing to myself when I assume or rather create/fabricate ideas/beliefs/perceptions about something/someone  which are in essence lies in order to prove a point that I have ‘assumed’ about something/someone – which doesn’t make sense as I am relying on a self-concocted lie to then make myself ‘right’ about what I had actually also created as a judgment, a belief, a perception about something or someone previously – which means: it was all a lie that I actually made myself believe as true without measuring the consequences of how I in fact was affecting my relationship with another without openly talking about it.

 

  • 2. Not realizing that it wasn’t about me ‘not trusting’ another but rather me trusting my mind and my assumptions based on what I also had been accumulating as other assumptions which I didn’t really confront and communicated directly with the person I was assuming things about – therefore missing out the essential point of living the word frankness and being direct when it comes to rather communicating about something instead of leaving points accumulate within me as Assumptions that I didn’t communicate, which then caused me to easily jump into conclusions based on previous moments where I also jumped into conclusions/assumed and thus considered that I could not trust someone any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump into conclusions and assume about the reason behind another’s actions based on what I had also assumed about others’ lives/actions/words which implies that I had already allowed my self to be assuming/be lying to myself, be making up ideas and beliefs as to why something/someone exists/does something in a certain manner which actually can only point out to myself what actually still exists within me, which I covered up with the line ‘I don’t like being lied to’ and creating a reaction of ‘feeling cheated’ in that moment, but I didn’t even realize that it was all really me creating this all within me, not realizing I created the assumptions/the lies within me in that split second based on me accumulating previous assumptions that I hadn’t actually communicated and confronted which is why it was so easy for me to just continue the assumptions because I had done it in the past and ‘let it be’ without actually scrutinizing the point myself and being critical about what is it that I am actually accepting and allowing to exist within me – which is then entirely me assuming my responsibility to my mind/my thoughts/ my experience instead of diverting it toward another, which is the way to abdicate my own responsibility to my own thoughts in the first place.

 

I realize that in the past in relationships with people I have allowed myself to keep quiet in relationships which had already lead me to relationship failures, wherein the moment I don’t actually open up and confront the point with another which is what I would like others to do onto myself, I am actually being the starting point of my own self-agreement failure as I am not being entirely self-honest to myself to First even before confronting the ‘assumption’ with another, first question my own assumption, see where I am gathering the information from, what are my foundations for it, what is the proof that I have for what I am assuming first – so that I then first ensure that I am the one that takes self-responsibility for myself, my thoughts, my mind and once I have cleared myself from any reaction or lies/assumptions created about another, but instead realize that I do have some points to confront and reference with others, then I simply direct myself to communicate and open it up instead of allowing these points to accumulate and kind of go ‘rotting’ in the background as this is where and how then going into further assumptions, reactions becomes more automated based on the string-of-lies and assumptions about something/someone.

Therefore I commit myself to live myself first what I would like others to do onto me too, which is to be upfront, clear, frank, directive, transparent which are words I have to first and foremost not to ‘ask’ from others, but to live these words myself within my own self-relationship with in turn then will be my relationship toward any other individual as well as who I am.

 

Here is then where I take/assume absolute responsibility wherein instead of assuming /lying to myself, drawing conclusions, making up ‘my mind’ about something or someone, I rather live the word assumption as assuming/taking the responsibility to ensure that I am first here, stable within myself and as such ensure that every word that I am creating in my mind has a clear starting point and is entirely self-directive, as I see that an accumulation of lies which I allowed to exist within me as assumptions then become a more automated form of lying which I didn’t question within me first, and so then actually exists as a point of abuse toward others coming from me within creating an experience of distrust or assuming ‘I am being lied to’ without realizing that the actual lie, the actual problem exists within me as an assumption in itself where I lie to myself about what I believe/think/perceive about another which is actually entirely existent in my own mind –therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a form of righteousness whenever I had assumed things wherein I then trust my lies/my mind going into assumption about things/people without actually investigating the point for myself, without actually rather confronting any misunderstanding with another through communication as I see and realize that if I apparently ‘don’t like lies/don’t like to lie’ which is one of the points I have placed within me as ‘virtue’ – without seeing that in fact this is just another form of ‘honesty’ card as the ‘system honesty’ because I missed the actual SELF-Honesty which is first questioning the validity, the substance and how acceptable my own thoughts and reactions are in my own mind, which is the first point of self-honesty missed when believing that ‘I am being lied to’ as this thought already implies I am actually the one lying to myself by hearing/placing trust in a thought that I have created in absolute irresponsibility, which means I didn’t assume my responsibility upon my own thought-creation that lead to assumptions about something/someone.

 

 

  • 3. I haven’t realized that this is really not about being able to trust another, but rather how I didn’t live self-trust fully to instead of assuming/jumping into conclusions in My mind to instead rather communicate it, to create an agreement of communication which will ensure that any relationships with others will be then like a fish tank: fully visible as there is nothing to hide, no backchats created as that is what creates the fracturing of any relationship, and within my self-agreement I have committed myself to be able to have transparent, integral relationships with every individual, which means having no secrets, no hidden agendas toward one another, no judgment, no backchat, no emotion or assumptions about others.

 

Missed Breaths 08

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually realize that I cannot ‘lose trust on another’ as there is really no ‘another’ but myself that creates such distrust by trusting my own mind, my own assumptions, my own beliefs which I have righteously created upon not actually communicating and opening up points that I’ve looked at but didn’t communicate, which is how one goes festering ‘little points’ over time which become yet more lies and more ‘reasons’ to assume/believe things about myself/others which is entirely existent in my own mind and as such, it is myself that has to ensure that I can instead trust myself  – which means that

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot trust myself whenever I am assuming, whenever I am reacting, whenever I am creating doubt/uncertainty/reactions toward another which I am not directly referencing Within and for myself first to see the validity of my thoughts, my experiences and if I then have sufficient proof, reason, foundation for what I am considering is something to point out in a relationship with another, then I pull up my socks and confront the situation as I realize that it is actually quite dishonest to not open up points as they come up, as these points then go accumulating and creating further unspoken assumptions/reactions which certainly creates a rift within my self and from myself toward others, which is entirely unnecessary when we are in fact able to communicate and be open about any point or situation that I see emerged within me and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eve fear confronting something or someone about my own assumptions which is rather a self-sabotage point because by confronting my own assumptions then the lies would be able to be spotted easier –but, the moment ‘I keep quiet’ that’s when the same pattern repeats: I don’t speak, further assumptions are created and so I create and give energy/attention to lies, to assumptions instead of immediately opening the point up and communicating about it.

 

Most importantly I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live self-trust fully as I realize now how whenever I am assuming I cannot and I am not in fact living self-trust because I am thinking/assuming/linking dots based on what I read/ get to know or perceive which is entirely subjective and self-created upon premises that I have also defined in a certain manner so that it fits ‘my assumption’ which is then entirely self-deceptive first and foremost.

 

When and as I see myself jumping into conclusions, assuming what’s going on with something/someone I stop and I breathe, I ensure that I am back into physical reality and focus on myself, questioning what is it exactly that I am accepting and allowing to exist within me toward myself and toward others? And within this simply stop continuing assuming and instead, rather immediately referencing the point instead of allowing it to ‘pass’ because I see that allowing things to ‘pass’ it’s actually just an allowance of having points remain undirected, unsolved, which is another way of saying: I am not taking responsibility for my own reactions, assumptions beliefs about something/someone in one moment, which is what creates the problem in the first place: when I allow lies/assumptions to exist within me and go ‘unnoticed’ and neglecting the responsibility I have to every single thought, movement, experience that I have in my mind and that No thought, no reaction, no experience can be righteous or justified.

When and as I see myself once again ever going into the backchat ‘I don’t like being lied to’ – I stop and I breathe – And I bring myself HERE to realize that I am the one lying to myself first by being self-dishonest and being creating a reaction upon my own thoughts and so, instead focus on looking at the point objectively so that I can then see what do I need to cross reference in order to ensure I am not assuming, and so confront the point or situation in the moment.

I see and realize that I have to practice that ability to be more directive in the moment which means not allowing something to ‘go by’ and allow it to just ‘pass’ as this is me not taking responsibility for what I created in my mind.

 

Therefore I commit myself to actually develop first self-trust wherein I am able to ensure that every single thought I have I can be certain it is self-directive and that I am fully here as I utilize my mind constructively to direct myself, to clarify situations, to open up and cross-reference with others, as that is then the way wherein I can ensure that I can trust myself in relationship to others which means: I can trust myself that I won’t create lies/assumptions about something/someone – but instead focus on investigating, taking/assuming responsibility to myself, my mind, my reactions and so within this, it will invariably and by default will also be easier to confront/expose/open up a point with others as I am then having the openness lived by myself first, which is the self-agreement at all times, to not see ‘others’ as the problem but always self, always taking the point back to myself.

 

I commit myself to ensure that I remain clear and stable no matter what, no matter how even something that I believe is a problem exists in reality, as we do live in a reality where things are not ‘easy’ or ‘smooth ‘ or ‘without problems’ because this entire world, our relationships and our lack of self-responsibility to our own minds is what has created the nature of a problematic world – therefore, instead of seeing this as a ‘big point’ I realize that I have to instead use this as a flag point to become aware of any other moment where I see myself assuming things about something/someone, quiet myself in that moment and focus on MYSELF and stopping lying/ deceiving and being self-dishonest within me accepting and allowing such assumptions/backchat about something/someone and instead focus on seeing the point and then looking how I am going to direct it, assuming my responsibility to my words, my mind, my actions and inactions.

 

I commit myself to also not continue ‘bashing’ myself for committing this mistake of assuming a lot about something/someone as that guilt/remorse is only an experience that also prevent us from directly spotting the responsibility within it all, so I instead focus on my responsibility to every word, every reaction I create and rather focus on preventing/stopping any reaction from existing within me in any given moment wherein I observe something/someone and go into believing that ‘I know’ why something/someone happens/does something as this is entirely self-referential which means: it has nothing to do ‘with others’ but rather upon myself and what I do or don’t do.

 

 

Pointing back at me

 

Interviews:

 

To Develop Self-Honesty and Learn how to live a Self-Agreement to be able to Trust ourselves, investigate:

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