Tag Archives: outcome

184:Angstxiety

Physical Dimension: Reactions to the negative thought of having to complete a task/ activity

Within the entire series of the procrastination character that began on day 162. Either Do it or DIE I’ve walked the fear, thought, imagination – then even a fantasy came out – backchat and the reactions toward all of these points in both a negative and a positive manner.

The title of this blog comes from the realization that angst means fear in Dutch and anxiety is what we experience as the physical experience of such fears which sounds then similar as one leading to the other, while in English, angst means ‘anxiety about the state of the world’ which is how I can identify I have become the anxious person for the most part while growing up, which I have been working on as well in the death and destruction blogs going into both anxiety and dread about it.

 

Within the physical dimension is to then see how it is that all of these dimensions end up manifesting as a physical possession – how? Well, the moment that we give into the thought and make it a physical habit within it, we are essentially confirming that yes, the thoughts, backchat, reactions, fears are in fact ‘who we are’ and that all of such mind-experiences are ‘true enough’ for us to then live them out in the physical. Hence it’s this physical dimension the one that certainly exists as a consequential outflow of all the previous accepted and allowed mind experiences as real, it is the ‘physical possessed time’ wherein we have already abdicated the directive principle of ourselves and we essentially become the embodiment of our own mind control – sounds familiar? Yes, essentially every moment that we are not here breathing and being aware of ourselves as the physical and ‘lose track’ of what we are in fact doing in that moment – because of only existing in a constant myriad of thoughts, pictures, backchats/ internal conversations – wherein we are then only feeding the experience further and further while missing out the entire point of this experience which is nothing else and nothing more but a self created dis-ease through thinking and having a positive or negative experience about something/ someone in our world and reality.

 

Within the procrastination character, I realize that the moment that I am about to get onto doing something/ directing myself to complete a task, there’s a pinch of anxiety that emerges, that has been ‘slowed down’ so to speak from the time when I was a younger girl and going through school and having all the basic nervousness symptoms of having gastritis, multiple headaches whenever an exam or a ‘something to do’ would emerge that I would consider was ‘ahead of me’ and being overtly apprehensive, always worrying about the outcome of my exams, worrying if I’d get the highest grade – even if I pretended that I didn’t care – always wanting to get to places on time and essentially being in constant fear of ‘not meeting my goals’ which I later on suppressed as I went growing up with an opposite character. Within this I must say that my mother’s words were supportive since she always made me see how futile it was to be seeking to be perfect and strain my physical body for it, plus hearing words that would allow me to see that I didn’t require to worry about it since I had an ability to walk through school without a problem – however, the origin of the anxiety was never seen or realized in fact. So, I will dedicate myself to tap more into the anxiety experience, which has diminished considerably in the past years since I began my process of self forgiveness and self honesty, however, it still comes out which indicates that there are points that I must obviously still work through it and the realization is that such anxiety has been present lately due to and directly linked to the procrastination character, wherein the moment that we create our own ‘procrastination hell’ we become the embodiment of such ‘unsorted load’ and generate an overall relationship of self-abuse which is pretty much experienced at a physical level.

I had that yesterday in three different moments and all related to being asked the question of when the hell am I going to finish school – well actually could be four, lol since I had several chats with different people and realized that I am the only one that is procrastinating this.

So as I write this, there’s a flow of heaviness as energy that is experienced in my arms and in the pit of my stomach, which is where we could say the solar plexus actually is.

So far the only way that I have been able to slow down in physical reality in terms of walking slower, not rushing to get to a place (unless strictly necessary, lol) and going ‘ahead of time’ in my mind when for example, meeting someone, going to a certain place where I will have to face people, even making phone calls would be a reason for me to get anxious, like wanting to ‘get over with it’ – which is a key point here ‘getting over with it’ as this point that must be simply ‘rushed’ and ‘finished’ in order to ‘get to the next point’ – I mean, that’s not living, that’s just being like a Ford-T line producer that’s simply tied and bound to a single task-doing reality where no actual Living takes place. Unfortunately yes, this is the reality for the majority of everyone in this world because every moment that we reduce life to a sequence of ‘tasks to be done’ we are certainly limiting ourselves extensively within our capacity to see life not as a birth-consume-reproduce-produce-consume-die type of cycle with all the highs and lows in between – there is definitely another way of going through life even if it’s filled with ‘stuff to do,’ as I have realized that the moment we measure our days based on ‘stuff to do’ we miss out the point of how each activity is an opportunity to expand ourselves. And where does anxiety fit into all of this? Nowhere, it is a self-created TIME-triggered fuckup. I actually see how I have used Time as an excuse obviously, but also as a constant ‘counting’ of my day wherein instead of being here. I mean, even the sole ‘measuring’ of the day implies that I define myself according to what I did and what I did not do, which is just creating another aspect to give myself credit/ discredit for as an ego. No, I can instead decide to live in a way that is fully functional in every moment, and this implies not being subject to the reactions experienced Over going into an alternate reality of thinking, judging, backchatting, imagining, reacting over it etc.

I realize that I have separated myself from the actual ‘art of living’ which should be related to self mastery that I had on purpose seen as something ‘ahead’ of myself, impossible, ‘not now’ type of thing, without realizing that within this, I was kind of then sort of Still expecting me to do some ‘regular fuckups’ to demonstrate that ‘I am still mortal’ instead of actually taking a decision to not continue to allow any belittling within myself and others – as belittling was definitely one of the first points I worked with in my process which has been so far, cool – however, the anxiety point demonstrates that there is still this ‘uncertainty’ within me, and yes, directly related to this ‘something that I have to do’ and ‘complete’ as an ‘achievement’ that I am separating myself from.

 

So the physical dimension of this entire outflow of procrastination has to do with the various symptoms that one would experience as ‘anxiety’ among other physical habits like standing up and just moving away from the computer when the time comes to complete a task, or direct myself to get some water/ peanuts or raisins – or going out, which is what I have walked already in previous blogs, or simply doing something else.

As I was reading Heaven’s Journey To Life yesterday, I realized that I have in fact activated the ‘I don’t care’ character as a defense mechanism to keep myself in ‘good stand’ in my mind for not doing the task I know  I have to complete. This character would come as a temporary ‘shut up’ to the anxiety experienced at a physical level. Oh man, how far have I gone to cover up fuckup after fuckup of simply procrastinating a single task? Is it necessary? Obviously NOT! However, it seems as if I deliberately placed myself in this situation to walk through it, which is plain absurd but it ‘makes sense’ from the perspective that I have simply made an accumulation of decisions that were linked to the ‘positive experiences’ that I would use as an excuse to not get to this task.

A side note for me as well is how horrible it is to experience ‘excitement’ or some energetic experience that one would consider as a general ‘positive experience.’ I became excited about – oh god here I go – one of my so-called ‘favorite bands’ releasing a new album after a long time and so I went into this excitement that became a Really uncomfortable experience after a while, to the extent that I experience like a hangover of it due to the expectation – which creates anxiety – and the activation of all the emotions and feelings linked to this music – yes both emotions and feelings since it’s the type of ‘drug’ as an experience that I would be the most addicted to, this type of sublime experiences wherein you are rather overwhelmed by the sounds that terrifies us in a way and at the same time becomes a nice experience. And that, my fellow droogies I will walk separately and later on post as I will continue walking the procrastination character, but I see how the entire experiences linked to music must also be debunked, because it is ‘hard’ for anything or anyone else to create an experience of this kind within me, it’s mostly linked to music and the load I have imprinted on memories to it.

 

And This, I realized I have been a ‘frequent participant’ of based on what I got to understand in the Quantum Mind Self Awareness 18 that I highly recommend to anyone pondering about the ‘negative’ and being having mostly a ‘high’ from all things negative. That’s the shortest way I can describe it, get it  and then you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

 

So, let’s breathe and I’ll begin walking the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements on the following blogs. Thanks for reading

 

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process 

Equal Money System

Don't speak

 

Blogs:

Interviews:

83. Finishing what I Started

The ‘Fulfilling character’ character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self-doubt based on the ideals that I’ve kept with regards to what is an acceptable expression based on what is pertinent to express in relation to only being one single character as ‘an artist,’ instead of realizing that I am a human being that is able to express in any way that is self-honest and congruent in relation to the physical moment that I am walking in relation to my process.

 

I realize that I had been limiting myself based on being ‘caught’ between being ‘academically correct’ while trying to remain ‘true to myself,’ which means that I am still allowing myself to separate the ‘intellectual’ aspect as something that I have to ‘work further into,’ without realizing that what I am working with is myself, and that at the moment there is nothing I am creating as everything is already here. I am simply sculpting myself, using what is here already as myself and giving myself direction to become the expression of who and what I really am as life, which is the process I am walking here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as doubt the moment that I have to present a ‘final work’ toward the academy, just because of the ideals that I have created around ‘the final work’ and how I have deemed it to be this ‘huge event in one’s life’ which is how I have instead shoved it aside and believe that I have to pull out a ‘great show’ for everyone, which is only stemming from the ego and personality I have been throughout my life as a student that is ‘bright’ according to judgments that I’ve accumulated as ‘who I am, ‘ which I’m not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually ‘fear’ letting go of these standards because of considering that me-expressing myself in simplicity will not make me something ‘outstanding’ which is what I had been tagged as throughout my career ‘being outstanding’ and believing that everyone is expecting me to have this ‘outstanding career,’ which in no way correlates to the process I am walking as myself. Thus, I stop preventing myself to express and move based on these ideals that I am secretly keeping as a ‘final shot’ within my life, without realizing that I cannot serve two gods, and that my ego is no longer a point to be taken into consideration when I am the directive principle of myself here.

 

This means that I cannot possibly continue procrastinating and allowing myself to be waiting for the right moment to write-myself as the declaration of who and what I am as my own process of self creation, because I see and realize that I was waiting to have something ‘finite,’ without understanding that it is the mere explanation of myself as my process and as such, it won’t be anything that can be measured as right or wrong, as it is a creative-process in itself with no precedents. Thus, I allow myself to walk this point with no predisposition toward anything or anyone in separation of myself and my expression here.

 

I realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to still take the ‘academy’ as something above me, as something that could refute anything I could say just because I am not presenting any artwork per se. Ye the process in itself Is the creation as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I was not going to be working with some work of art per se, I was standing in ‘dangerous territory,’ which is just me using an excuse to validate my self-doubt and hesitation based on mere beliefs what and how I should present myself to have this ‘flawless’ project, without realizing that because of holding such Ideals, I am in fact limiting myself to make of this work a simple and practical extension of the process that I am walking on a daily basis through writing. This proves how one single belief can tamper my ability to direct myself and essentially become like a haunting ghost that is seemingly ‘beyond myself,’ which is absolutely unacceptable as it is all based on the belief of who I am as the ‘perfect student character’ which is only feeding an ego that is busy dying.

 

I direct myself to express myself here, in simplicity and stop the haunting ideals of me fulfilling anything for anyone else in separation of myself. I realize that whatever I write and express as myself is within the consideration of what’s best for myself and all as equals – thus there can be no ‘wrong doing’ in that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions toward my expression based on wanting to fulfill a certain ideal/ ego/ pattern of myself in separation of who I am as life. This means that I stop creating an elusive ideal to fulfill in separation of myself within attempting to write ‘for someone else’ such as ‘the academy,’ instead of realizing that this is about me writing myself as my process and in that, it is no different to the expression that I write myself as every single day.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the reason why I was not facing this point is because I was still holding on to the idea of ‘who I am’ toward teachers, school, the consideration of my entire student career throughout my life, wherein I was still aiming at this ‘perfection’ but not based on self-developmental perfection, but perfection base on the idealism I lived as myself in terms of being awarded with ‘the highest honors’ always, which is what I have kept in the back of my head as this ideal that I apparently have to fulfill.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually program myself from a very young age to be able to obtain the ‘highest honors’ when graduating, which is just an idea of what I thought would make ‘more than everyone else,’ and that would fulfill the ‘perfect student career’ that I was busy maintaining as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions onto everything that I do based on which characters I am seeking to fulfill and reinforce, which proves that I have become essentially a character that works to fulfill other characters wherein I miss out the absolute expression that is here as myself at any given moment, and instead believe that I have to get to a certain point to be able to express myself, or that I require to ‘find the right expression’ in separation of myself, which is just indicating that I was simply wanting to maintain a character within myself that keeps the pillar of the ‘flawless student,’ which is a character that I felt I lost the moment that I dropped out from my first career – as an accumulated self-judgment toward myself – and having left school for one year to be living abroad – which became me losing my opportunity to have an automatic graduation, which meant to me losing the perks of being this ‘flawless student.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that because I won’t be able to get the highest honors, then it Is just pointless to do something ‘worthy’ – yet at the same time fearing not being acceptable enough for the academy, thinking it won’t be ‘sellable,’ which is just me trying to fulfill another’s expectations in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up before even having started, which means that I have become this character to be fulfilled/ bashed and accordingly only move as fear waiting for the ‘right moment to come,’ to give myself direction, instead of realizing that the more I procrastinate, the more I compound the single possession of fear, shoved-away anxiety that comes with it, which is absolutely unnecessary considering that expression as words is here as myself at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually stop myself from directing myself because of fearing not being ‘good enough’ at the eyes of that ‘world’ that I have kept as superior than myself, which is the academy/ schooling institutions even though I am aware how they function and how it is all part of the basic conditioning of creating competition and these apparent ‘high standards’ upon human beings – hence I realize that any form of limitation is just a stupidity loop in fact, because I am accepting and allowing the realm of knowledge and information to be ‘beyond myself,’ while all that I require is here as myself already.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘letting the career down’ and everyone else involved in it, based on how I had walked it with having these great expectations toward myself and because I am in no position to fulfill them, my entire starting point of doing this work is stemming from me having failed at ‘becoming an artist,’ and having failed to fulfill the expectations that I had toward myself and that I believe, think or perceive that others have upon myself.

 

Thus I realize that the only point of betrayal can actually exist if I continue allowing myself to tamper my ability to express myself here in every moment by wanting to suit myself into a character to fulfill other characters’ expectations, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know that I would experience regret and still not do anything about it, which is just proof of how one single point of belief can be an entire point of self-sabotage if not walked, addressed and opened up immediately as self. I realize that self-movement is compromised the moment I hold but one single iota of character to be fulfilled as myself, and in that, I am entirely responsible to face the consequences of what I am creating for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually project myself into ‘that day’ when I have to present this work and go into fear because of all the value I had placed to such moment from a very young age as this apparent ‘magnificent’ event’ wherein I placed myself as the character that would go ‘beyond history’ with some magnificent final work, which is just base on my ideals that fulfilled the ‘perfect student’ character I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as ‘my worth’ and ‘who I am,’ which is the point that I now see and realize I was not willing to entire let go from the moment that a point that I am not directing as myself is directly linked to preserving this elusive ideal of myself toward others and in a particular institution.

 

I realize that within these ideals and beliefs of who I am and how I must present myself in such moment is stemming from comparing myself to other beings in my family that have presented a ‘flawless work,’ wherein I placed a higher standard for myself in order to end up being ‘the ultimate winner’ at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in future projections as the image of me in that room with teachers in front of me, asking me questions and having ‘an audience’ that I must apparently dazzle with my wits, which is just an entire mindfuck that I’ve used to only torture myself, instead of giving me absolute self direction at all times with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear when thinking ‘will teachers/ academics buy this concept of art as myself?’ and in that, already limiting myself for giving worth and value to what others can say about a point that is and will be a point of self-expression in its totality, wherein I realize that the ideas of me having to comply to a certain institutional format is just self limitation and doesn’t represent at all the unconditional expression that I have walked and proven to myself I am able and capable of doing with no obstacles a all. So, I realize that I had still held fear and fear of being judged by ‘weird’ and ‘unconventional’ even in art school by my professors, which is ludicrous considering the type of work I am presenting and the school that is precisely created to break patterns of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable within an academic world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others based on what I am working with, without realizing that this is not about ‘defending my thesis’ as this is not a thesis as something to ‘prove’ to others, but a single explanation of myself as this moment an this process of self-creation that I am walking and how it goes along with artistic expression as a point of support for it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘betraying’ or ‘not making use’ of what I was supposed to have learned in school, just because of not being presenting plastic work in some specific discipline, which is just me fearing being judged for not complying to the usual modes of presenting the final work, without realizing that I was only trying to please others with my work in my mind, instead of actually physically walking it as myself without expecting to create any special form of ‘feedback’ that I could feel better or greater about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still hold on the idea and belief that I had to come out with the ‘greatest score I could attain’ which is what I would then be satisfied about, not realizing that because of fearing not getting this, I am instead not moving myself within this point simply because of fearing being judged.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is such an ‘important thing in my life, ‘ without seeing and realizing that just by this single belief I am creating an entire point of separation between myself an this ‘final work’ based on the ideals I was still wishing and hoping to fulfill about myself, instead of just walking it as self and in such way, not having to be ‘expecting’ something out of it other than what I am able to express as myself in every moment that I dedicate myself to write here as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first create these entire ‘ideal’ about my final work and separate it from the actual walking it on a daily basis believing that the ‘final document’ had to be this outrageous and ‘outstanding’ expression which I now see and realize I was simply busy trying to fulfill in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the positive feedback as a point of self-acceptance in separation of self, wherein I went into idealism instead of practivism, and that’s the entire point wherein I tried to fulfill the idea of who I am in separation of myself as the physical moment I am living in that I can simply direct myself to write it out, without going into fear of being judged, fear of not ‘fulfilling’ the reader, fear of coming ‘short’ in my expression and – all of these fears are absolutely unacceptable.

 

I realize that any moment that I see myself judging this point of work as ‘something separate’ from the daily writing I do and direct as myself, is simply an excuse to not dig further into realizing how obviously I was still holding such ‘final work’ as something beyond my nose, which means that I projected it into this elusive future, instead of bringing it here as self and as such ensure that I walk it as self, as the realization of who and what I am able to be and express in every moment of breath in relation to the process I am walking as myself here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I’ve made the ‘write choice’ for the topic because it was ‘positively accepted’ by my professor, which is just a point of self-manipulation based on thinking that ‘it is already great because my professor liked it,’ which then becomes a point to fulfill ‘for others,’ instead of myself expressing myself here in every single moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accept and allowed myself to move myself based on positive feedback, wherein I can see that I am not absolutely self directive the moment that I am still trying to fulfill an idea of myself based on what is ‘good’/ great from others, instead of taking myself into consideration as the expression that is here in common sense and that as such, It cannot be possibly refuted.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to a single belief and expectation, which is as limited as a single thought waiting to be fulfilled by an external stimuli to keep the positive energy running. I stop myself as a character that seeks to be something ‘great’ for others, and instead, remain constant as the realization that all that I am is already here and that any delusion of moreness or less than is just a mind-belief that is in no way who and what I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still allow my mind to direct myself as fears that I suppress with other activities, thinking that ‘the right time will come,’ without realizing it won’t ‘come’ by itself, but that I have to practically and physically direct it as myself at all times.

 

 

Rumbos-inciertos

Rumbos Inciertos 2006

 

Self Corrective Statements.

When and as I see myself resisting and not wanting to go into what I have deemed as an ‘academic writing,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am separating myself from information and placing it as ‘more’ than who I am in every moment, without realizing that this is one single point that I can direct as the expression of myself in the moment, instead of being wanting to become something ‘else’ to be academically correct, which is the point that I have been struggling with and seeing it as ‘something I cannot yet be sure about, ‘ which would imply that I am seeing the ‘academic work’ as separate from the expression of who and what I am in every moment of breath. Everything is here, I allow myself to direct it as myself.

 

When and as I see myself creating this final work something ‘more’ than myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am making it more than myself because of the ideas that I have created toward ‘finishing a career’ and comparing myself to my sisters and their final thesis/ presentation, of which I personally took it as this point that I had to ‘surpass’ and better at all cost, just so that I could go out with the triumphant belief that I had been this bright student throughout my life and that ‘my final exam was no exception,’ which is just me future projecting and expecting to be ‘remembered’ by teachers, by parents, by colleagues as something ‘great’ other than myself here in simplicity.

 

When and as I see myself doubting my own expression in any given moment in relation to presenting a work toward any institution, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only separating myself from the constancy and consistency of myself as self-direction and allowing me to be tampering it with the ideal of me having to adjust such expression to be liked/ accepted by the academy, without realizing that this is just a self-belief that I’ve come to feed and fuel as ‘who I am’ as the character of ‘the perfect student’ that has no place here as myself, as the physical body that is not defined by knowledge and information or ‘who I have been’ in/as the past.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to fulfill the ideal of ‘the perfect student with a perfect final work’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that I am seeking to fulfill an ideal of who I am in separation of myself, which is not acceptable, as everything that I am is already here as myself and any idea of me as ‘more’ than myself and/or wanting to ‘maintain’ a self-imposed title is only ego.

 

When and as I see myself placing conditions onto my expression in order to suit an ideal according to be presentable to a certain institution/ school / academy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this limitation can only exist as fear that I can stop in a moment of breathing and physically directing myself to express in common sense. Who and what I am is constant and consistent no matter what, thus any condition/ impediment is only stemming from myself as the mind wanting to preserve or remain stuck within a single character which I realize now is unacceptable.

 

When and as I see myself still believing that I have to ‘become’ a character in order to write, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the elusiveness of me writing myself is still a mind-created experience as any form of ‘impediment’ can only exist as an actual fear of being judged, fear of doing something wrong, fear of not suiting the ideals placed by the academy, fear of getting ‘stuck’ into something which are all bullshit and ludicrous points as I see that my nose clears when I clear my head from these ‘ghostly limitations,’ that can only exist the moment I place myself into THINKING about it, instead of just physically directing myself to write.

 

When and as I see myself seeking perfection outside myself based on the ideal of ‘who I as in the past,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only me sabotaging my entire ability to be/ live and express in one single moment, one single being that is here as the physical expressing self as the physical, which means that I do not require to get myself into a certain ‘state of mind’ to write out the work, nor do I require more ‘knowledge and information,’ for it, it’s just a matter of directing myself to do it.

 

When and as I see myself still as something/ someone in separation of who I am in every moment of breath when/ while being preparing the work for school, facing teachers and so forth in such ‘art realm,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the anxiety that I’ve suppressed and experienced was just this suppression of myself based on the ideals of how I had to do it, who I had to pleas and where I could ‘be wrong,’ which was all based on me having difficulty explaining myself in the past whenever I tried to explain this process to others, without realizing that at that time I had barely begun it, and that it was impossible for me to really express myself as it, because I had not walked it.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to ‘keep up’ my status toward others and caring about what family/ friends will say about me and my final work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is it, this is the moment wherein I can finally allow myself to step out of my beloved character of miss perfection and allow myself to express in common sense without any expectation toward it, as I realize that the point that I will be serving is Life itself and not a single character building career.

 

When and as I see myself feeling defeated because I could not attain to ‘the highest honors’ I see that this is just plain egotistical bullshit and has no space to hold here as myself any longer. It’s all memory based and memories are only self-limitations as the lies we believed ourselves to be in separation of who we already are here as one and equal. This is no higher talk, this is a certainty. This implies that any egotistical institutional reward is nothing but an ego-game to gain further positive experiences that are only energetic fleeting moments to rub the ego as the mind. The physical cannot be flattered.

 

When and as I see myself forming a character when trying to fulfill a character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the moment that I see something as ‘difficult’ and that I deliberately place aside to not give it immediate direction, I am in fact just fearing having to face letting to of my own ideals and facing the reality of myself without the highest expectations that I had still held within myself, which became a point of comparison toward ‘who I was’ in the past, which is in no way who and what I am here any longer – the character is not real.

 

When and as I see myself still believing myself to be this ‘flawless student,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this ideal was actually stemming from the fear to not be good enough and fuck it all up, which is the exact fear as irrational as all fears that I have been living out with no direction given because of believing that I had to do something ‘else’ in separation of myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing not being ‘good enough’ at the eyes of people in academy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the ‘betrayal’ toward the career is only me wanting to fulfill a character in an ‘appropriate manner,’ which is in no way what I am willing to diminish myself to. Thus, I stop the bullshit and direct myself to express myself here, no judgments attached.

 

When and as I see myself worrying/ future projecting about the moment of presenting my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this all stems from the value/ worth I had kept toward ‘the academy’ as something superior than myself, without realizing that this is just a limitation that I created within myself and has no space In reality as a certainty – thus, I stop.

 

When and as I see myself going into regret, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am simply sabotaging myself even further, the only point to correct this is to practically and physically direct myself to do that which I was procrastinating to direct as myself.

 

When and as I see myself going into comparison in relation to how my sisters presented their final works in school/ university, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot possibly compare myself to others, as each one’s process is different – hence I stop placing these benchmarks for myself and rather direct myself to do what is required to be done and that’s it.

 

When and as I see myself fearing what academics will think, believe or perceive about myself and my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this point of fearing being judged is just irrational as all fears, and that there is no possibility to fear expressing myself here as who and what I realize I am. I cannot possibly remain trying to defend myself as a character, and I see that the entire problem is how I titled the work itself – as ‘the artist’ and that because I do not see myself as an artist, I created an entire unnecessary conflict with it, simply because of fearing simply presenting myself as a human being, not one single character only.

 

Thus I direct myself to make the necessary arrangements to express how I cannot only define myself as a career in order to satisfy some ideals I Have upon myself and others toward myself. I cannot lie myself any further for any purpose or any justification, as the work itself is about myself and my self-honesty.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place myself as ‘intellect in conflict’ and within this forgetting completely about the physicality that I am and exist as, which is and cannot possibly be diminished to a single character playing as ‘who I am.’

 

When and as I see myself believing that I will have to ‘prove’ myself to others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I had ‘lived’ this point toward other beings in my world, but somehow I had held school as this immaculate piece of reality that I could not equalize myself as, still seeing it as ‘beyond’ myself.

 

Thus, I direct myself to finally let go of any idealization toward myself and my career – and everything that I had linked to ‘art’ itself and really, actually equalize it as myself, as who I am.

 

When and as I see myself trying and believing that I have to ‘impress’ others with my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not me here as physically speaking and doing in the moment, but existing as a future projection of ego wanting to be fulfilled.

 

When and as I see myself placing value onto my ‘final score’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is the character-rating that I have been bound to the most time in my life, always being used to ‘getting the most’ and believing that if I don’t get ‘the most’ this time, I have failed. Which is not so, it is just a character waiting and wanting to get ‘the most’ to continue existing as myself. Thus, I direct myself to present myself and express in the moment with no expectations as I see how expecting creates anxiety and anxiety creates a limitation to express unconditionally as it is all fear based on being judged, I stop and I direct myself in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that ‘this is such an important moment in my life,’ and seeing it as the ‘pinnacle’ of myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that who I am is not based on memories and future projections, but simply here walking the system for what it is – I walk it in equality – no more and no less.

 

When and as I see myself expecting my ‘final work’ to be this outrageous paper, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am going ‘ahead’ of myself, and that all I require is to express myself as I exist in the moment, which can express in common sense without any extra desire to be ‘more’ than myself, thus I direct myself to express me without wanting to suit/ fit in a certain ideal of myself toward myself and others.

 

When and as I see myself using positive feedback as a way to move myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only the ego being stroked and getting fuel to continue going. Who I am does not require positive feedback but only self-movement as the realization that everything that I require to be is already here as myself .

 

When and as I see myself separating this ‘final work’ from any other writing I do on a daily basis, I stop and I breathe. I realize that all I was doing was keeping it in a ‘special compartment’ which is not acceptable; otherwise it would not be me writing myself but me as character writing for other characters, perpetuating the character world. I am here to stop all characters as myself and in others, and instead direct myself to write something that will not be base on wanting to ‘fit in’ within the academic world, but that genuinely represents my own process of self-correction and self-direction as the creator of myself.

 

When and as I see myself using zeal as positivity to direct myself to do something, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this I am only reducing myself to a single character fulfilling itself and is I no way me supporting myself as the expression that is constant and consistent here as breath. No more and no less required.

 

When and as I see myself expecting a final resolution of having a ‘great work’ and getting compliments in such future projections about myself and my work and ‘who I am’ toward others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not even a matter of being humble, but simply realizing that anything that can be said about my work and myself has I no way any influence as to who I am, as all I am is here as breath and no words can make me more or less than ‘it all.’

 

When and as I see myself existing as a future projection and expectation of fulfilling myself as a character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the desires that I fueled from a young age were based on me only being a single character/ ideal that is in no way who and what I am as the totality of myself. Thus, I direct myself to walk this point as per requirement and stop limiting myself and my expression based on characters I played in the past that is not here any longer.

 

When and as I see myself deviating myself to do ‘something else’ instead of finalizing this work I stop and I breathe. I realize that the word ‘finalization’ means giving it a breath by breath direction without holding on to a single ‘outrageous outcome’ that I expected of myself in my mind, as that is in no way related to who and what I am here as the constancy and consistency of breath.

 

I direct myself to finish what I started.

 

 

Azul

 

MUST READ BLOGS:

 

 

 

Must Hear Song!

 

Note to Self: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make such a mind drama today, without realizing it’s hormones taking the wheel instead of myself here as the physical. Thus I direct myself to stand one and equal as my physical so that I don’t have to go wondering around what the fuck is wrong with me today.


%d bloggers like this: