Tag Archives: owning your creation

558. Walking Through Avoidance

“We will forever remain HERE in the GIFT and REBIRTH of ourselves / SELF after and during the confronting of our consequence, our manifested consequence we cannot escape, we cannot deny and we cannot run from…it will come, it will manifest, as it is already done and created. But the power we have, the CHOICE we have, the ability to respond we have – is WHO WE ARE THROUGH IT. How we LEARN from it and CHANGE from it for ourselves and generations to come. Our consequence becoming our REBIRTH or our death…we do, in fact, choose…” – Sunette Spies

 

When I read this last night I definitely wanted to take it on to my blog as a personal reminder and to expand it to many more people that may benefit from carefully reading into it, because it is so in terms of how we always have a choice to live instead of wallowing into an outflow or a consequence that we believe is ‘out of our hands’ to change, when it is in fact no so. And I particularly also appreciate how these bits of moments that we can stand up from can be seen through the eyes of living potential, not only for our current lives but also in the context of everyone’s lives that are yet to come.

It also assist us to place into perspective the notion of ‘walking through consequences’ and not fearing it, not feeling disempowered by them, but rather seeing that we can learn to honor and learn a lot more from ourselves by owning our creation.

I was translating some interviews on the topic of avoidance and how we tend to externalize it into not wanting to meet with, look at or have discussions with people we believe are ‘the problem’ or ‘cause’ of our experience that drives us to avoid people or certain situations, but the reality is that we only in fact avoid taking a good look back at ourselves to see what are we in fact avoiding to acknowledge, to open up, to recognize about ourselves that we are ‘fearing’ looking at.

I’ve seen this aspect come up in myself and many others within our lives and so in our process where we actually know what we are facing and creating as a result of letting our emotions, our opinions, our beliefs and the rest of unsettledness be our directive principle, where ultimately what ensues are actual situations that we then go into a conflict about, that we fear facing, that we feel completely disempowered to, but here I’ve also learned to challenge the quick responses we have to it such as saying ‘I fear looking at it’ ‘I fear walking through that’ ‘I feel hopeless about that situation’ ‘It makes me so nervous and anxious I rather not look at it’ and so we end up evading it in all ways that we can, but are we really ‘getting away’ from it for real, or are we only prolonging the inevitable confrontation of our creation, of our results or consequences? I’d say the latter is what’s accurate because! As they say ‘what goes around comes around’ and this is a simply saying to remind us that we cannot really ever ‘escape’ from our creation, but the point is also not to be looking at ‘ways’ to evade facing ourselves, but rather realizing the actual gift that walking through a consequence can be in our lives.

This also inevitably brings me back to my childhood years where I feared having to assume responsibility upon something I had in fact done because of fearing being scolded or losing someone’s trust towards me, so the immediate reaction was that of hiding, of lying to ‘save face’ so to speak, which inevitably would lead me feeling guilty because we in fact always know what we did, what we are in fact responsible for and I know that everyone has experienced how uncomfortable guilt and remorse is, which is an outflow of not taking responsibility first hand upon realizing we’ve caused some consequences or outflows that might have been destructive for ourselves or others.

Truth is, the best thing to do and what I’ve recently confirmed in a situation I shared in this vlog is to immediately take responsibility for the situation, to stand up and own one’s consequences, because then we are not defined only by ‘how we screwed something up’ but how we decide to stand in self-respect and honor the situation and the people involved in it by taking responsibility for it, even if that involves only letting others know one is aware of the outflows and has learned the lesson to not repeat it ever again, even though sometimes there are no ways to prevent what has been set in motion – but we surely can only remind us to learn about it.

So how this all ties with evasion is that if in such moment of realizing I had ‘screwed up’ in something, I would have gone into hiding, not immediately responding to the people that were asking for a response to their complaint, I would have remained even more anxious and in a state of guilt which invariably causes more damage to myself and others eventually, whereas in my immediate decision to face my creation, to take responsibility, even though there were consequences I realized it was part of owning my creation and so being able to learn from it myself, to not repeat it in future situations.

The outcome? I eventually was able to get back to my stable self, after doing some self-investigation as to how and why I allowed myself to go into a haste and cause certain consequences – I definitely have learned from it, I assure that. And this is part of what comes within an insta-moment of instead of wanting to wallow in guilt or regret and fear = evading the whole problem and conflict, I decided to stand up to it, own it, take responsibility. Now this is something that doesn’t necessarily need to be applied only to causing ‘conflicts’ with other people – this also very much applies to ourselves and how we relate to our own inner-conflict.

Many times we fear self-honesty, we believe we can hide from a constant experience with which we drown ourselves in fear, in anxiety, in petrification, in guilt, remorse, shame, sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, embarrassment and the list of reactions can go on… but why do we decide to stay in the reactive mode instead of rather taking the situation in our hands and face it, confront it? It’s fascinating how we fear doing what’s most supportive in our lives, and this applies 100% to stopping evading the problem, stopping avoiding the inevitable facing of our creation and that might be temporarily daunting, intimidating, nerve-wracking, but all these are only outflows of having avoided it all for some time – sometimes too long –which compounds everything to a point of making it unbearable – and the reality is that it has always been in our hands to act in the moment, to not allow something to compound to a point of making it unbearable for ourselves/our bodies.

This is what’s implied when it comes to being self-directive, being able to stand up in the moment and take responsibility, take the wheel in our hands and not procrastinate getting to walk through the problem, fix or amend what may be possible to fix or simply learn from it so that we can prevent it from happening again.

Ultimately if one sees that the response to ‘why am I fearing facing this consequence’ is nothing else but more fears or an emotional reaction, then we have to dig deeper by removing the word ‘fear’ and instead seeing what actions or inactions are contained within the basket known as ‘fear’? What am I actually hiding away from by saying ‘I fear consequence’ or ‘I fear my creation’ – same if our response as to why we fear facing our creation is ‘because we feel helpless’ about it, we can investigate further, who am I as helpless, what does it indicate about myself? And that’s where one can go into realizing more about the things we are doing or not doing to assist ourselves that we in fact know we can do, but we haven’t just yet decided to apply ourselves to do so. All of this proves that we in fact do know what is best for us and everyone else involved or not in it, we simply have to get past the fear-excuse and get our hands straight into the necessary changes within who we are in order to face our creation.

So, instead of doing the ‘void-dance’, let’s rather get close and intimate with the situation, being vulnerable, realizing that fear of getting to know the details of our ‘problems’ or conflicts is only a mask to prevent us from actually empowering ourselves with doing the real dance of self creation which comes with its ups and downs, its flaws and charms and all of it is who we are.

Pretending we can forever be perfect is an ideal that leads to perpetual fear of making mistakes, of believing that we can be forever ‘trouble-free’ – why not instead of fearing problems or negative consequences or avoiding all situations we believe might ‘bring consequences’ we instead learn to be comfortable with our ability to stand up from a problem or a consequence, challenging ourselves to own our creation, to test ourselves who we can be and how much we can learn and expand in our response to these things we were hiding, avoiding and running away from. Ultimately, we can only ever really deceive ourselves, so, we can only ‘face the music’ and get to dance to the tune of self-honesty.

Thanks for reading!

 

For further support on understanding and walking through Avoidance, please check out: these series at eqafe.com

  1. Avoidance: Introduction – Altanteans – Part 277
  2. Avoidance: Not So Honest, Actually – Atlanteans – Part 278
  3. Avoidance: Guilt and Responsibility – Atlanteans – Part 279
  4. Avoidance: How You Change – Atlanteans – Part 280
  5. Avoidance: Face Yourself – Atlanteans – Part 281
  6. Avoidance: I’m Right, You’re Wrong – Atlanteans – Part 282
  7. Avoidance: Support – Atlanteans – Part 283
  8. Avoidance: Recognition – Atlanteans – Part 284

 

Face the Music

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


532. Expressing Self-Trust and Confidence

 

§  Continuing from: 531. Redefining Self-Confidence

 

Here I’ll apply self-forgiveness on all the points I wrote out in the previous blogs, in order to tackle my self-created limitations and for once and for all rather see the benefit of owning my creation as my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hesitation, self-doubt and lack of confidence whenever I am having to make decisions on my own and have no one to reference my decisions with, wherein I have gotten used to always being able to have the approval or disapproval of others to then decide to make a particular decision in my life alone – instead of realizing that regardless of what others might say, I am the one that will ultimately live with the outcome of such decision and as such, it is ultimately a point where I have to learn to trust myself, which in this case means learning from making my own decisions, moves and choices and accordingly walk through them, not fearing making mistakes or going ‘the wrong’ way because that’s how I’ve found that I get to then define and fine tune my decisions, my next steps and next choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate what is really behind the hesitation, self doubt or uncertainty before which is in fact a fear of making mistakes, a fear of not really achieving my utmost potential – however I forget that such outcome as ‘best potential’ can only exist through practice, through making many choices, possibly many mistakes and walking many paths to then get to find ‘my expression’ wherein, in fear, I actually don’t get to truly develop myself because of existing mostly in ‘fear’ and as such in a constant limitation that leads me to be in a stifling position, ‘giving up’ in doing something out of giving too much weight on an outcome or the opinions on them, instead of realizing that I am the only one that is able to give weight – or a negative value – to mistakes, to attempts, to apparent ‘failed choices’ – and instead learn from it, stand up and do it all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others’ opinions and perspectives on my expression in order to keep going or completely use them as a deterrent to stop my expression in certain ways, instead of realizing that a point of expression is to represent who I am in that particular moment with what I want to create, what I want to communicate to others ultimately and as such, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or ‘good or bad’ in it, but only a process of referencing myself, seeing how satisfied or not I am with it, taking myself into consideration and not looking for others’ opinions to decide to continue or not.

I realize that I have been my own worst critic as well so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own worst critic wherein I have defined what I do as not ‘good enough’ when I compare it to what others do/express and so, have allowed myself to use this judgment as a reason to completely give up on something and get into an experience of ‘what’s the use’ – when a point of expression is precisely about practicing, doing it as much as one can until one can create or build a point of self-trust and confidence in it, which I can attest is definitely a process in other aspects of my life, but interestingly enough when it comes to creative expression, it’s like hitting a wall and this is mostly based on others’ feedback that I’ve taken ‘to the heart’, instead of staying true to myself, referencing it with myself first and foremost.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-doubt when it comes to assessing ‘what to do next’ or ‘what could I change or improve’ wherein the actual fear behind it is ‘fucking it up’ – wrecking it, messing it and so apparently ‘lose out’ an opportunity to have created something that I could be ‘proud of’ – but in reality there is nothing that we can create in ‘one go’ and have it come out ‘perfectly’ at once, and I realize that this ‘perfectionism’ or the idea that I have about what I can be satisfied with can be a huge show-stopper to me if I dare to start over-analyzing everything and then concluding that it is not what I expected, or it wasn’t as I intended – instead of realizing that this is a process of self-creation and self-expression, it takes practice, will take time, will take several tries maybe, but the point is to persevere and not give up ‘trying’ or getting frustrated for not getting a desired outcome.

I realize the practicality of practice and perseverance in this, wherein over time and continuous practice I am aware we can get to be more confident in doing anything – and the same therefore can be created in any point of artistic expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give judgments, opinions, positive and negative values to words in relation to any point of artistic expression to the point of using them to validate or disqualify what I do as ‘good enough,’ where deep down I know I can trust myself in what I see, but have ultimately usually veered to get others’ reference and perspectives, which over the years I’ve used as a reason to not keep going, but, this is entirely my own decision, my own process in reality that I cannot blame on anyone’s opinion, because it’s only me that has given it sufficient value/worth to make an opinion more important than what I decide to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define confidence based on ‘doing something that is unique’ and so ‘special’ and so, whenever I started finding ‘similar work’ to mine, I sank into a pointlessness because of thinking that ‘everyone else is also doing it, so what’s the point?  When in fact, this is when comparison kicks in and so I stop seeing ‘the point’ when in fact, the point is myself, it’s about my expression regardless of what others do or not do or how similar it is.

Ultimately if I would measure anything I do based on how others do it, I’d be in a constant state of ‘giving up’ because ‘everyone else would be doing a lot of the same things I do anyways’ lol – when in fact this is about my expression, my development, my process, even regardless of the ‘final outcome’ but more so focusing on what I go learning about myself in the process as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for example diminish my photographs as something that ‘anyone else could have taken’ or something that ‘everyone nowadays can do with cellphones’ which I used as an excuse to give up on taking photographs based on ‘others already doing it,’ instead of rather realizing each one of those photographs were moments where I was truly focused in my reality and making a decision to capture something, it actually assisted me a lot to pay close attention to my surroundings in a constant manner, which I still enjoy doing yet don’t take photographs any longer because of thinking ‘what’s the point, there’s thousands of pictures with the same thing, nothing new’ where I then doubt myself even with the potential of taking a photograph because ‘others probably already took one similar’ – which again, if I expanded this kind of assessment to anything else, I would be constantly stopping myself from doing anything based on what ‘others have done already.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to doubt myself, become hesitant and ultimately feel ‘incompetent’ in relation to points of self-expression in arts because of going into comparison, believing that there’s nothing ‘special’ in my stuff so why should I bother? But I realize and have seen from others’ examples how people that stick to developing themselves and persist on practicing, eventually get to be quite confident in their creations – and that’s the potential that exists when we don’t stop to compare ourselves to others, but stay true to oneself, to the purpose of the point of creation which is ultimately of self-creation, where the result is only that, an outflow or a consequence of a deeper process that takes place while creating something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be focused on ‘a result’ within my expression, instead of considering the ‘who I am’ throughout the whole process, which ultimately is what is part of my self-creation that I’d like to develop and focus on, every moment’s decision and trusting myself within them, considering it all as a process to learn about myself, to learn about giving ‘shape’ to something and also to take responsibility for my creation where I am the one that is entirely behind it, and not any one else’s opinion or perspective on it – this way, whatever anyone else can say about it is an extra opinion, and not a defining factor that determines anything for me – but can only take it as a point of feedback for sure.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discourage myself from continuing any point of self-expression based on my own opinions, judgments and expectations standing as self-criticism, that led me to then rather ‘not bother’ at all with it, in spite of how I see that when walking through my own veils of perception, I can actually enjoy doing it and I enjoy seeing ‘me’ in every step of the way and reflect it all back to what I am, where I am and who I am behind that one point of self-creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have defined confidence in the past based on reassuring or supportive comments made by others whose opinion I deem as important and in some cases having certain authority or superiority over myself, to then decide to continue or not doing something, wherein I then placed my expression, my perseverance in the hands of an opinion, a judgment and a perception – instead of having allowed myself to trust me in continuing to work on it, and stop my own backchat in relation to it, while focusing on the physical process of creation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to covertly blame someone else as the reason why I decided to not play music anymore, wherein I am the one that took another’s words and attitude personally and made it a reason, excuse and justification why I didn’t have to bother anymore with practicing playing music, and instead only focus on doing visual arts – eventually extending my own judgments to anything related to visual arts wherein I then stopped doing any of it at all because of believing how pointless it all is – therefore, there is no one to ‘blame’ for this. This is essentially something I did to myself and so I can only now stand up from it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an opinion, a judgment, a perception as ‘truth’ – when in fact the truth is who I am in every moment of creating something, the decision I make and their outcome – which means when I decide to stand all the way in every step of the way, that’s where I see I build self-trust and confidence in relation to ‘the outcomes’ because then I am certain that this is something I created for myself, by myself, without any pretense other than expressing who I am, which is where I want to develop my strength as well, instead of taking ‘what I believe others will say’ into consideration, which is not really about ‘others’ then, but about myself not limiting me by all of that. .

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that ‘I didn’t enjoy making art any longer’ when in fact, it was the series of judgments, perceptions, opinions that I allowed to take precedence over the creation process of me-expressing-myself, and so that’s where it became tiresome, unbearable, causing more ‘stress’ than enjoyment – and it all was because of how much I gave value and worth to judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear’ not having any other point of reference for my creation, wherein, I believe that I cannot ‘continue’ doing something unless I get any form of feedback from others – and in such situations or contexts it makes sense, but when it comes to artistic expression, it is truly the one point where I am the one with the ultimate and only say, because it is a point of expression that cannot be judged as ‘good or bad’ and this is also why I also started resisting to do anything related to arts, because of how ‘ambiguous’ it would be through my judgmental eyes in terms of being unable to define it as good or not based on ‘others’ perspectives’ but ultimately, this is where I have to be the one that stands through in it all regardless, doing it as my expression, which cannot be ‘contained’ in a few judgments of value.

I commit myself to continue practicing building, consolidating and densifying my ‘confidence’ through artistic expression – and any other point of expression for that matter – where I can learn to trust my decisions, walk a point of self-creation all the way and ultimately ‘own’ my creation regardless of the outcome, learning from it  and trusting myself in my ability to learn and stand up from mistakes, not being afraid to making mistakes but rather reminding myself that’s the way to continue moving forward in any point of creation, to persevere, to be consistent and to not allow judgments, opinions or perceptions about it in my mind to deter me from continuing.

This is then how one gets to be comfortable in doing something, through practice and then ultimately that practice & repetition creates a solidity of it at a physical level, where there is a point of control and flow as well, which means being present, being directive yet not rigid about the outcomes, flowing with it yet being aware of the path all the way – and this is then what I can integrate as a physical expression of self-confidence.

Thanks for reading.

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


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