Tag Archives: pain

559. “I should be done with this by now”

Or how to let go of control and rigidity while doing some self-investigation

 

This is the reaction that I got when having to look at a particular word that was placed within my attention to look at, and the word is ‘miss’ as in missing. When first looking at it, I considered that I had already worked through many dimensions of ‘missing’ because that’s been quite a common thing in my experience when it comes to any form of relationship, where missing becomes a life-draining situation and so here I have to also look at the starting point of working through the process of ‘letting go’ of something or someone in order to simply not have to ‘experience more pain’ which can be a conditioning factor where I am then ‘working on it’ to make myself feel better or not feel ‘worse’ or ‘feel any pain or sorrow’- instead of fully making it as a realization of who I am, what I can learn and stand up from in my life.

 

Therefore when I looked at the word ‘missing’ I believed that I was in a way ‘safe from harm’ which means not holding any grudges, sorrow, pain, loss and the rest of it that comes with parting ways with someone, which usually results in ‘missing’ a person, the relationship formed with them or a part of ourselves that we are no longer living since the person is no longer with us.

 

As much as I can work through this pattern, I saw that part of my reaction upon having to run a self-examination to see who am I in relation to the word ‘miss’ and having to look at something or someone I am missing, a barrier came up within me wherein I was standing almost like a guard in front of any possible memory about myself, my past relationships that could rear their head upon being triggered by the word ‘missing’, where I would stand with a baton kind of being ready to ‘whack it back to its place’ in order to ensure that I am in fact ‘done and over’ missing anything or anyone in my life, in essence already wanting to suppress whatever would come up while placing myself in ‘investigation’ or ‘look within’ mode.

 

The interesting thing is how it was very hard for me to admit I can STILL be ‘missing’ something or someone, because to me ‘I should be done with that by now’ which then causes a point of righteousness, rigidity and idealism in terms of ‘being over and done walking something’ – yet the very fact that I reacted to having to investigate on this word is proving that I STILL have unresolved aspects and issues with the word ‘missing’, wherein after I let go of me standing as the ‘guardian’ ready to whack ideas or thoughts of people, situations or a time in my past, I realized that I had not admitted to myself that I in fact was missing certain people in my life and that I had only made it all ‘ok’ to me in a form of creating a closure with it- but not really a closure – it was more like a veil placed upon having ‘processed’ some stuff and with that believing I am no longer affected by it, while ultimately in fact knowing that there are so many factors and dimensions to who we are, the relationships that we create, the phases we go through and even the way in which we look back at our lives and such relationships changes as we also change within ourselves.

 

Therefore the point within me that I have to let go of is this rigidity and point of control within me as the belief that ‘I am done with missing’ or ‘I have worked in all the aspects I could possibly work in relation to missing, I should be done with it by now’ and ultimately ‘I miss nothing’ yet! Knowing there are actual motions going on in my body which indicates: there ARE things to look at, I just have to be willing to look at it and admit it. Upon looking at it these past two days, I am grateful that I can now see how I am having my core shaken by having a look at a word that I frankly didn’t even notice how much I was avoiding to look at, because of precisely still not having fully resolved my relationship to ‘missing’ people, relationships or parts of myself that I came to live through and within certain relationships, and all of this was in order to make myself ‘stronger,’ but here I see how actual strength emerges by having the courage to admit to oneself one’s truth, what still comes up and emerges in a moment, instead of wanting to create a ‘strong’ façade as if nothing can ‘hurt’ me anymore, but that would only result in further suppressions and denials that I would have to invariably get through at some point = what goes around, comes around.

 

I here then remind myself to not get into a righteousness and tightness in relation to what I believe I am ‘done’ working with, because I can’t really know until there is in fact nothing ‘moving’ within me when opening up memories or discussing about the topic of ‘missing’ people or situations in my life, and be humble as well within myself to recognize that no matter how much I can believe I am ‘taking on a point’ and opening it up in all possible dimensions, there will always be aspects, parts, dimensions that I have probably not worked through and that I can instead be grateful they open up and emerge upon something or someone in my reality mentioning words, memories that could be triggering reactions within me.

 

That’s also another way to approach my reactions in a supportive manner, instead of getting into an egotistical position of ‘I should have been done and over with it by now’ which is quite inflexible and limiting when it comes to walking this process because it only makes the process of accepting reality unnecessarily difficult. And this is in fact where I have to remind myself of self-honesty, where it’s not about being right or wrong, but being open in what I see and how I see things as they emerge, to let go of wanting to stand as the guard in front of my memories, ready to whack them back into their passive existence within me, because ultimately whatever I was trying to hide within myself is just out of ego really, the whole point here is to be willing and open to see oneself in all depths and crevasses and uncomfortable spots where it is actually an awesome thing that something or someone can get us out of our comfort zone just by opening up one word to look at, that’s quite amazing and that’s how it is also quite impossible to believe one can walk ‘through one’s mind’ all alone, nope.

 

The best thing is ultimately being able to be ok with opening it up, being vulnerable within accepting what is still bothering me, no matter how much I have written it out or ‘processed’ it over the years or even understood it at an intellectual level. This process certainly doesn’t ‘function’ the same way that one would prepare for an exam or test, where you know exactly what you have to study, practice and then get it done with a ‘good result’. Our lives don’t work that way.

 

I have to be therefore willing and open to see what really came up in relation to the word ‘missing’ and instead of seeing this word with discomfort, pressure, evasion or any similar reaction, I can instead work with it, see it as a gift I can open up to get to know myself better, to see where else I can ‘dig’ and align, correct, walk through or even ‘heal’ in a way within myself – to no longer hide it or suppress it – considering that as with everything: if it is ‘bothering’ me at any level, it means there’s processing to do for me and I can therefore assist myself in doing so with the tools I got to write myself,  open up in self-honesty, forgive myself and lay out the corrections which are always going to be ways to expand, grow and change and in this context of missing, being able to give back to myself aspects, words that I have ‘missed’ living as myself and that have remained ‘locked out’ in certain relationships of my past.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

For further support on understanding and walking through Avoidance, please check out: these series at eqafe.com

  1. Avoidance: Introduction – Atlanteans – Part 277
  2. Avoidance: Not So Honest, Actually – Atlanteans – Part 278
  3. Avoidance: Guilt and Responsibility – Atlanteans – Part 279
  4. Avoidance: How You Change – Atlanteans – Part 280
  5. Avoidance: Face Yourself – Atlanteans – Part 281
  6. Avoidance: I’m Right, You’re Wrong – Atlanteans – Part 282
  7. Avoidance: Support – Atlanteans – Part 283
  8. Avoidance: Recognition – Atlanteans – Part 284

 

 

 

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257. A Piece of Heaven at the Expense of Life

Why do people turn to drugs? There is a definitive reason that cause all the dimensions that play a role  in our current Drug Culture as either cause/effect,  but a common thing is definitely the root and cause of WHY people turn to drugs. We all know the usual things, for example: to escape from oneself, to hide, to run away from the mind, to stop the abhorrent self-experience, to avoid taking responsibility for one’s life and relationships, self-loathing, etc. – but, have we asked why do we have these problems? One can say: family problems, relationship problems, issues with one’s ‘flawed self,’ physical issues, lack of self esteem, heritage, cultural trends, traditions, religions, survivalism in clans/ mafias/ brotherhoods, spiritual beliefs, shamanism, environmental contingencies, availability of narcotics due to associations/ alliances, legal drugs due to psychological conditions, and the list may go on – However, behind all of this one must see one common thing: human conditions that have lead to all of these problems/ issues/ separations and sectarianism that stems from a basic problem in our society: a lack of support for all living beings to have a dignified living that creates a proper environmental condition where All beings would be able to live without having to worry about not making it through the next day, not having to tolerate the injustice and abuse that is accepted and allowed within a system that only caters for some– that’s it. 

 

And that’s what we know in common sense and what can also be watched in all the various documentaries* about drugs that are affecting our societies wherein there is simply an absolute boredom, menial jobs for the working class – or no job opportunities at all – and a general dissociation from wanting to have anything to do with a ‘shitty world/ shitty system that doesn’t give a fuck about life!’ hence turning to have an alternate reality where ‘everything is fine, a heaven in one’s mind for a moment, a harmful  momentary high that turns into a lethal habit that leads to a living condition that is mostly deplorable in most of the cases, as well as leading to any other ‘sudden deaths’ out of the usual ODs and other negligence  that stems from lacking any form of precaution when ingesting/ inhaling/injecting/smoking a drug. It is even common to have people that do this on a regular basis become ‘icons’ in our society, our ‘role models’ which can already point out what type of ‘human quality’ we’ve become fanatics of.

 

It is also interesting how drug-culture became mainstream to a point now wherein one can watch a “music video” and there’s people smoking weed, one can watch a movie and get all the specifics on how people shoot themselves heroin and even all the withdrawal processes in a explicit manner, like in Trainspotting which is probably one of the most popular and obliged reference about drugs for many people that even learned how to do drugs through watching the movie.  I will tell more about that in following posts.

 

The reason why this is an important topic is because drugs as any other form of escapism, represents the aspect we hold on to the most, as it is a self-created intricate relationship we form with only Experience as an Energetic physical experience induced by chemicals in the physical body – the reason why I find it so important to expose is because it’s ubiquitous nowadays for people to be aware of all types of drugs and ways to get high or even self-harm to get a moment of absolute adrenaline –rush/drug of the mind . That’s becoming a children’s game  and I’m referring to what I became aware of today as the salt and ice challenge – I mean, this is how kids age 10 or even less can get used to having a way to get this absolute pain and fear that are the most ‘powerful’ self-experiences created at a mind level when inducing pain along with the ‘challenge’ aspect – where kids will mostly broadcast themselves doing so to ‘prove’ to others they are able to ‘handle it,’ and what mostly happens is kids then will turn to seek for more ‘intense experiences’ like that. Even our words and vocabulary is pointing out blatantly what it is that we are inducing within ourselves: that was Intense! all energy based, and if you’ve been reading these series, you would be aware by now of how energy operates within the physical body through consciousness as a system that we believe is ‘who we really are,’ which is comprised of all our thoughts, emotions and feelings that we whole-heartedly have believed is ‘what living is for’ and if not.

 

This Grave mistake of identifying ourselves with all the drama, excitement and high-intensity of any self-experience is what is mostly leading us to an actual death wherein we disregard actual life/living just for a ‘little piece of heaven.’

And this is what’s leading humanity to a certain end if a single pattern of addiction continues without any definitive decision to STOP.

 

Please read the series to catch up to this point:

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

 

 

I had made a pause in these series due to the impending ‘doomsday’ that I decided to write about due to my inherent responsibility in having participated pretty much in that type of doom-mentality or gloomy-self-experience as we’ve called it – and what is left is pretty much ourselves, having to face what we have become and as such, take the wheel of our reality in all levels, in all ways and have a look at how we’ve become what we’ve become, which is also another form of escapism through the mind to evade the responsibility we all have here.

 

Drug Culture is quite a common topic virtually everywhere in the world, no matter if it’s a high-energy-hyped society like many places in Europe and America or a third world/ poor country in Africa, or under developed regions like South America – everyone’s got the same ‘epidemic’ which is drugs which includes alcoholism as main problems that maim  the ability for any being to realize and take self responsibility, because drugs imply one single point: a giving up experience that is now turned into an addiction, a need, a fascination and obsession wherein people are literally willing to give all their money, all their life just for one single initial ‘rush’ that any drug can give them. While observing this, it is impossible to not create a parallel to what we understand now of how the mind works, wherein we create our own fixations in order to fuel and satisfy this idea of ourselves that we’ve simply copied, absorbed and ‘become/ embodied’ without a question, and that includes addictive patterns of seeking this ‘greatness’ as an energetic experience that is able to be obtained with drugs, pretty much flushing your entire life down the toilette for a single self belief of you being ‘perfectly fine/ in control / able to quit any time and all of the people that have been severely enrolled in hardcore addictions mostly find it very hard if not impossible to actually live out that belief of being able to stop and quit at any time.

 

That is One single dimension of the addiction: the energetic experience that we are familiar with the moment we accept emotions and feelings as ‘who we are’ and what drugs do is an overall enhancement of this relationship within the ‘who we are’ as the mind, which implies that we are completely hooked on absolute self abuse, since any energetic experience  – as anything that requires energy – is not ‘for free,’ it is an actual process of consumption of the very physical tissue/ fabric that provides the necessary resources for any drug to function properly – this is why the deterioration of the physical takes place in drug addicts/ consumers – among other various dimensions that involve the living conditions that hard-core long-time addicts end up living in or are born in, which is also another aspect that leads to drugs – all in all: stems from lacking actual living support in all ways to live in a sound and healthy environment where life could be actually honored = hence it is a matter of Collective Responsibility, since we are all responsible for continuing fueling a system that is not providing a sound environment for us to develop our expression to our utmost potential.

 

The purpose of these blogs will be to point out main factors that lead to drug consumption, the reasons behind that and how to support oneself to Prevent drug-addictions, referencing the usual ways in which one picks up this belief of drugs being the ‘greatest thing ever’ as well as gathering enough strength to realize there IS a solution to this world, there IS a way to support ourselves to stop seeking to ESCape from reality and instead, sober up and stand up to support the actual change we all dreamed of, it’s in our hands, so we must clean our act before we can establish ourselves in the actual world we have all wanted to live in, and within this, also paving the way for the children to come and ensure they do have the absolute opportunities  to Live and express themselves, and never again resort to any form of escapism through the mind to manifest a self-abusive ‘heaven’ in the mind.

 

Erroneously – those that Profess to be ‘Souls’, will Claim that the Body of Flesh is a temporary Illusion. And they would base it on the Experience they Generate through Mind Systems, which Follows the Design of the System where: the Search for Meaning and Reason, would Follow through the Combination of Predesigned Platonic Solids as Key Parts to Systems that produce Energy and Visual Input which the Person Align with, So Intensely that they Believe that it is Real, and they Disregard the Simple Reality of a Breath and Food and Bodily Functions that Keeps them Alive.
In this, these ‘Souls’ End-up Acting like Vampires in the Physical Reality, Seeking to Consume everything in their Path for the Self-Interest of the ‘Feeling’ that Produce, according to them, the ‘Experience of Happiness’. The fact that this ‘Happiness’ is Produced at the Cost of the Suffering of Uncountable Living Beings – Simply is Ignored or Seen as ‘Collateral Damage’ of an Illusion that will ‘Suddenly, Magically’ Disappear.”  – Bernard Poolman +

 

Self Support to Begin your Journey to Life is Here:

 

Blogs:

 

Interviews:

 

Documentaries/ Videos suggested that present the context of what Drug Culture implies– Viewers discretion suggested: NSFW


63. The Perfect Drug

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is absurd to be addicted to conflict,  yet all actions and deeds are now revealing that I had in fact used stories and pictures as people and relationships to cover up the actual truth of myself: an energetic junky that thrived upon conflict, pain and distress used to continue existing as a mind that thrives upon energy.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was ‘okay’ with people that have been addicted to drugs, and even believing that I was ‘attracted to people that had been into drugs’ which was only mind mind speaking as I now realize that these relationships have been the point of most conflict in my world that I made myself ‘keen to’ that deliberately, as that is the only way that my mind could continue functioning: through delving into conflictive relationships and situations just for the sake of keeping myself occupied in my mind and never ever seeing the truth of what I was in fact doing to myself, because I blinded it off with the idea of ‘love’/ attraction/ care or else toward others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could become addicted to people which was never about ‘someone’ specific, but what the person represented as a point of conflict that I became addicted to as a mind to be constantly generating feelings and emotions as  a way to keep myself/ my mind alive through constantly having to charge thoughts up with either a positive or negative experience about something and someone, so that my mind could get its fix. Therefore it was never about people being ‘addicted’ the point of attraction but me being addicted to the conflict such pattern represented within me, so that I could generate an inner-experience of mixed emotions with feelings that lead me to become a wreck within actual dependency to fear of losing relationships in my world, which was never about ‘the person’ but the pattern that I had become addicted to: conflict, troubles, self-abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I could never be addicted to something that I had deemed as ‘negative,’ yet my actions spoke more than my words and now I see and realize that myself as my mind feeds off of positive and negative energy alike, because it is in the actual conflict and friction that the mind gets its fix from, no matter what pole it is generated in -which is what I’ve only now been able to realize about myself and my relationships thanks to the Desteni I Process, the interviews on money energy at eqafe, on sex and relationships and the Heaven’s Journey to Life blog that has become the ‘lantern’ in a space that was completely dark and even hidden within our understanding as humanity and existence as a whole. 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to conflict, as this is what I would base my apparent attraction to troubled people, it was only my mind luring myself into that which would generate the most friction within me, in order to continue generating energy within me being preoccupied and in constant fear, anxiety and mixed feelings that would cover up such basic conflict, which is how we pair ourselves up in a way wherein we actually remain within the most conflictive relationships to keep the mind ‘in place’ and where it was ‘meant to be’ for the mind to always get its fix.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not hear common sense but go with ‘what my heart dictated’ which was not my heart, but my mind as the required energy to continue existing as a mind that thrives upon self-abuse in a literal manner wherein we drain the physical, the substance that we are and convert it into energy which is a reduced form of life that has a positive or a negative charge with a beginning and an end– I realize that I got myself into the relationships wherein I would get the most friction and conflict as the ‘negative,’ wherein within me trying to ‘change it into positive’ there was a massive collision of poles that the minds would rejoice in. Thus, I realize now how relationships operate when based on energetic ‘attractions’ which is opposite poles attract because that’s the only way that enough friction is generated to continue feeding the mind as energy.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be also brainwashed by songs like ‘The Perfect Drug’ wherein I foolishly equated people to drugs as way to explain how even if we realize that this is harmful, we continue doing it, which is what makes self-abuse the basic ingredient in relationships: self compromise, fear of loss, fear of ending up alone, fear of not getting the necessary fix: fear of the mind dying which is precisely what this entire process is about, overcoming this fear of ‘losing ourselves’ and losing our mind without realizing that the physical body can exist without the mind dictating its every move and relationship, as I realize that the mind exists as relationships and that we currently exist as relationships that have to be equalized in order to stop generating conflict and constant turmoil which is what the mind requires to continue existing feeding of our physical bodies.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that statements in lyrics like ‘without you everything falls apart’ and ‘without you I’m nothing’ were perfect depictions of relationships between two beings, without realizing that it was actually me talking to myself as my mind believing that without such conflict, without such turmoil I’d be dead (as the mind)– yet I had not realized that I was in fact addicted to conflict, to turmoil and it is thus the reason why I sought conflict in my world without being aware of it, I created it for myself when being directed by these energies that could have either gone positive or negative, yet found the most ‘thrill’ in the negative due to my self-belief of being a ‘positive person.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know beforehand that I was in the ‘wrong spot’ yet, I went along for the ride because of the experience this would create within me, an energetic thrill that eventually faded away and that’s when relationships stop, and then you go out seeking for another prey. Just like vampires.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that saying ‘the more I give to you the more I die’ is a literal meaning: the more I experience emotions and feelings, the more I consumed myself inadvertently at a physical level – yet knowing deep inside myself what I was doing, neglecting it because what was ‘stronger’ was the addiction to the energy and became oblivious to the physical experience that went with it, because what I gave permission to direct me was the mind, separating myself further and further from being Here as my physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to delve even further into the experience even though I knew it was ‘no good’-  and in this, I forgive myself for having ever accepted and allowed myself to judge ‘self abusive people’ without realizing that I was only judging myself for what I have become, driven entirely by this not-knowing-how-to-direct my energy to – hence landing anyhow on a spot wherein I could get my fix and keep it for as long as it ‘fed me,’ just like oil  wells and fracking methods to suck the life out of the Earth.

 

Thus, I realize that our self-abusive nature is just like being an addict –just like we have said many times before – because even though we know we are harming ourselves, we continue doing it and the only way that we can get to a realization about this is if we reach the bottom – the question is: do we have to? We have proven to ourselves that we only learn through experiences, and so far we are driving ourselves to face the consequences even more so ‘in our face’ to open our eyes. Unfortunately so, self-abuse seems to now be affecting more and more people yet there are still no clear questions being asked as to WHY this is happening? All the answers can be walked within self through the Desteni support available for all.

And this is another moment of absurdity for what  I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become: a sucker for abuse.

 

“one go into absurdity when one face something that you see the reality of – but fear it at the same time, cause it’s not a knowledge and information seeing, its a self realisation – thus, individual react in absurdity “No it can’t be real” – lol; but also at the same time do within their existential existence here see it is” – Sunette Spies

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to see people as separate from me in relationships wherein I blamed ‘them’ for what I would experience, not realizing that as long as the mind held the wheel of my reality, I would simply create relationships, form nice stories, ‘paint it’ in a personalized way and get myself imbued into it for the mind-experience that I imposed onto people in my world that only serve as linchpins to keep my wheel going – this means that I never really established a relationship with them, but only with my own mind and this energetic fixes that were perfectly orchestrated to make it look just like another fantabulous experience, when it was really not so.

 

I realize that in our minds, we are able to kid ourselves and make it all seem quite ‘nice’ but in reality, the actual experience is only that of being leeches of one another, eating ourselves up not metaphorically speaking and this is the truth of our reality. Hence the importance of stopping all energy-relationships as within stopping our energetic fixes, we stop the continued self-abuse we have thrived upon as the mind.

 

I commit myself to take Self-Responsibility for every single point that I blamed others for in my reality as being the cause of my experiences, because I see, realize and understand it was always only me and my own mind, my own energetic drive that I sought to satisfy as the saturation of myself as energy, wherein the rest were just part of the necessary players in the game to build a nice story around it. That’s how when stopping our mind, when realizing what we have done, relationships fall because we cannot continue deceiving ourselves as in getting our fix from people –

 

The only way that I can redefine relationship is  to realize the basic point of separation from self that each relationship entails – and that means that this process is walking through all our relationships as all the points we have separated ourselves from in the name of experience – either positive or negative – wherein through walking each point of separation, we stop feeding the mind and earth ourselves back as substance – this is explained in the blog  Wave-Theory of Creation: DAY 62 which has become a pivotal point to understand what we have done to ourselves in existence in an absurd manner – again – yet I realize that all reactions covered up within ‘absurdity’ are in fact a frightening realization of our nature and to what extent we took ourselves as life – in the name of energy as experience-  for granted

 

I realize that every moment that I give myself into the mind, I continue feeding this absurdity that must be stopped by myself in every moment that I can earth that surge of energy back to Earth as myself as Breath, b-heart – I instead breathe and hear the heart rate wherein I make sure that I re-mind myself the physicality that I abuse every time I allow myself to go into conflict, friction, desires and yearnings for relationships which are clearly based on self-abuse according to what I have realized throughout this process, but only now can see clearly and name if for what it is.

 

I realize that within me accepting others as ‘addicts’ I was simply speaking from the mind that justified and validated itself as ‘an addict’ because that’s the only way it can continue existing as ‘the driving force’ within our bodies – thus, I stop any self-definitions as having this ‘fascination’ for addicts/ addictions and experiences of any kind that are in fact the building blocks of self-abuse that mind exists as.

 

I commit myself to continue walking my own mind as my process of writing, applying Self Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application to give myself direction to live words, to establish myself as words that can be applied by all in equality wherein relationships can only stand as symbiotic and never more parasitical in nature.

 

I commit myself to expose how relationships are simply an addiction of the mind and that it is in stopping such mind-relationships toward anything/ anyone that we can start standing equal and one to such points/ people in our world, wherein people no longer represent ‘patterns’ in separation of ourselves, but we instead walk those relationships through this process of Self-Forgiveness until what remains is self, here,  equal to everything and everyone that are also here, and support others to do the same for themselves.

 

I commit myself to continue investigating any bit and memory that comes up in my head as every point of backchat, memory, as these are indications of a point we are reacting to and existing in separation from, which is how the mind is the greatest tool to walk this process.

 

I realize that I must first walk my ‘rehab’ as self-agreement wherein I make sure that I never again use people as patterns to thrive upon as energy but instead, learn how to practically coexist with others as equals wherein self-is self-directive as the physical and never again as an energy-driven mind.

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Day 38: Inconsiderate Blackmail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts about me being ‘inconsiderate’ toward other people, wherein I allowed myself to have ‘second thoughts’ about my communication wherein I essentially compromised my ability to be directive, straightforward and frank in every single moment – and instead having accessed the past  familiar pattern of  ‘not wanting to be harsh’/ not wanting to sound rude  out of fearing hurting others’ feelings, and in that, compromising my ability to speak self-honestly about myself and my experience due to fear of speaking/ communicating in a way that is ‘unusual’ by people in my past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for a single moment doubt my words as the expression of myself in any given moment, wherein I accessed my mind to consider a person in relation to ‘who they have been in my past’ and in that, compromise my entire moment and opportunity to stand absolutely here, communicating in self honesty due to believing that I must still hold any ‘special regard’ to people in my past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel like I had to commiserate to people that were simply showing themselves as ‘not having a good time’ wherein I would then ‘god down the hill’ to be the company that their misery required, and in this becoming one and equal to the pattern of victimization, powerlessness and general self-disregard as life that any point of self-abuse entails within our life-experiences – in this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compromise my direct and immediate ability to communicate and say things ‘as they are’ because of fearing sounding ‘too harsh’/ ‘too cold’/ ‘too bitchy’/ being too bossy toward another, and in that being second-thinking about ‘how will this person/ people read my words like?’ wherein there’s a fear of being perceived as a dictator that doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings – but I fact, I see and realize that I should not really care about other’s ‘feelings’ as that is and has become the hypocrisy of life that we have diminished to condescending to each other’s ‘feelings’ and ‘emotions,’ compromising our entire living-moment to diminish ourselves to play-out an energetic pattern of being either happy/ sad, angry/ joyful and any other bipolar activity that we have become and diminished our living expression-to the moment that we start THINKING about feelings, accepting those feelings as ‘real’ and in that, abdicating our entire life-substance authority to the energetic-pattern authority of caring about feelings and emotions within ourselves and subsequently, within others as well.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a single moment while having to access the ‘who I was’ for another in the past and in that, compromise my ability to stand here as the physical stability that is able to express here in the moment without having to access memories as the old-patterns and programs that I had accepted and allowed myself to become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my ability to express directly and frankly in the moment every time that I allow myself to access the energetic pattern of ‘condescending’ to another just so that I am not judged as being ‘inconsiderate’ based on feelings/ emotions , which in essence represents respecting and allowing the continuation of the very patterns of deception that we have fed/pat our backs with throughout our lifetimes, thinking that we had to consider another’s ‘feelings’ whenever we communicate in order to ‘not hurt them,’

 

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever having feared ‘hurting another’s feelings’ when in fact, I have no ability to hurt another through words but only project my own judgments onto others, which his how I work with myself, my own writings, self forgiveness and self corrective application to ensure that I establish myself as living words, words that are supportive for me to live by – words that represent at all times that which I want to live as and that I have pondered and considered first that they are beneficial and considering at all times: what’s best for all.

 

I realize that the best way for us to live as and by is to speak Self-Honestly which means, no longer being participating in emotional and feeling blackmail of mutual condescendence to recreate either positive or negative experiences, wherein if one does not participate in the game, is then fearing being called as ‘inconsiderate’ – when in fact, being considerate as in considering all life the most pertinent and sane thing to do is to stop all power games, all emotional / feeling blackmailing and communicate in the moment about practical points that are supportive, and that don’t re-create any form of past experience that was based on emotions/ feelings toward each other as the egos that would consume life in the name of personal glory and doom as a way to self-satisfaction.

 

I realize that it always takes two to tango and that every time that  perceive that I must ‘be careful about what I speak in fear of hurting another’s feelings’ I simply stop the thinking and breathe – and realize that who I am cannot be determined by ‘who I was’ in the past toward a character that became a pivotal point in my ego/ personality of self-victimization wherein power-games of diminishing and augmenting ourselves in the name of ‘creating an experience’ had become my way of relating to others in my world. I see that I cannot hurt another’s feelings unless they allow themselves to be identified as feelings  – and that I can only ‘hurt’ if I allow myself to voice words that are simply not considering what’s best for all in practical/ physical matters, wherein self-compromise can only exist if I dare to access the mind and the entire ego-network of memories to define ‘who I am’ in the moment – I instead breathe and allow myself to express, unconditionally, holding responsibility for every single word that I say, ensuring that it is not defined in any way according to ‘who’ I am communicating with, but establishing and asserting the realization of equality within communication, where no special regard, no antique preference is able to define my words in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard in the moment of communication the fact that no being can ever be benefitted from thinking, experiencing emotions or feelings, regardless of the perceived ‘happiness’ and ‘enjoyment’ that a moment can bring, I allow myself to see that such happiness and enjoyment cannot be propitiated or instilled and instigated in another as a desire, but must emerge as an actual realization of self allowing oneself to stand as the stability that each one can only give to themselves and that cannot be ‘given’ or ‘induced’ by another, as that would imply wanting to manipulate in order to get a point of satisfaction through giving pleasure/ creating a ‘good experience’ in another, which is and had been the starting point of wanting to seem affable and cordial at all times, due to the fear of sounding/ being too harsh and being inconsiderate.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to propitiate the same blackmailing situation as in becoming emotional at other’s words wherein I would then play the ‘hurt victim’ in order to not see and realize that I was in fact simply doing it to myself as a form to get people to treat me with ‘more care’ and give me ‘more attention,’ which implies that any form of whining and throwing tantrums has only been a way to project the misery that I had created within myself as my own accumulation of backchat, emotions and feelings as unbearable mind-created experiences, that I then  sought to release through using another person, an event/ situation as a crutch for me to download all this self-created pity and denigration in order to have more commiserating and ‘feeling sorry’ about myself, as a form of obtaining the necessary recognition – no matter what the initial point to obtain such recognition was about – and through that, make myself feel better forgetting people’s attention in a condescending and ‘caring’ way.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider that the only harm that exists is toward life the moment that I become an energetic mind-pattern interacting with others at the same energized pattern wherein all that is consumed is life breath by breath, disregarding moment by moment the opportunity to stand up and interact based on the physical reality/ circumstance that requires no emotional/ feeling interplay to take place.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘he/she will perceive me as harsh/ inconsiderate toward their situation’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that every time that I do this from the starting point of fearing ‘hurting another’s feelings’ I am already agreeing to participate in the power game of reducing life to an energetic interplay wherein I realize I simply have to now stop all condescendence as to ‘who I am talking to/ communicating with’ and walk as the constancy and consistency that I am establishing as myself in every moment of breath, wherein I make sure that I stop compromising life to be reduced to ephemeral ashes of emotions and feelings due to relationships formed as the very cause of such need and desire to be ‘experiencing’ ourselves as our ego/ personalities in order to be able to ‘interact’ with each other.

 

I see and realize that when communicating with people – I do not require to regard them in specific groupings according to ‘where they belong’ in and as the ‘story of my past,’ but instead realizing that I can equally communicate to a being that I just met, to a being that I’ve communicated with for some time and to a being that I had not talked in years, as time and memories do not define who I am in every moment that I am here, that I breathe, that I can read and speak as the expression of myself within a particular contest, which doesn’t require to be compromised in any way whatsoever.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is in these seemingly ‘usual interactions’ of accessing and allowing another’s tantrums and justifications for  experiencing any crisis, depression, emotion/ feeling that we become equal participants of such manipulation that is always in the name of self-interest, because life cannot be suited to commiserate, life cannot be ‘emotionally hurt’ and life cannot be made feel better as that would mean an overall reform of the system that is simply not even considered the moment that we ‘seek’ to make someone feel ‘better about themselves’ which is just creating a point of dependence toward a relationship wherein self-realization as the stopping of all forms of self-manipulation is not supported, but instead the same feelings and emotions that validate such individuals’ experiences in the name of ‘relationships.’

 

I commit myself to stop any second-guessing as to ‘how I must address another’ based on memories, as I see and realize that who I am is not memories, and who I am here as breath cannot be reduced to a pre-tense in order to keep an illusion of ‘who I am’ toward another as ‘up to date.’ I instead direct myself to ensure that my communication and the starting point of such communication is at all times the ability to support myself and others in equality, and in no way entail any form of seeking and looking for an experience within me to be revamped from the past.

 

I realize that the only way that we can all stop participating in the usual coming and going of verbal exchanges that seek to create/ feed or oppose another’s experience is through first not allowing ourselves to see such experience as real, but instead allowing us to stop, self forgive ourselves and walk the moment as self correction wherein I communicate me as the moment,without wanting to ‘maintain’ a energetic interaction going, but simply unconditionally share myself and walk any point of communication breath-by-breath.

This is to ensure that all forms of self-compromise are stopped the moment that they start brewing as second thinking, as ‘complication’ as ‘other’s consideration’ in order to stand clear here as myself, wherein I make sure I stand regardless of what anyone else could ‘perceive’ about my words, my stance and my decision to live and not allow anything else than who I am here in the moment that I breathe.

 

I commit myself to expose how much we drain each other when participating in emotional and feeling blackmail, seeking to create relationships not with each other as physical beings, but as mind systems that recharge, suck dry and refurbish each other’s experiences as the continuation of who ‘we are’ as egos of the mind, and explain how we are consuming our very beingness in any moment that we allow ourselves to be the ‘dancer in the tango’ wherein emotions are seen as real and participated along with in order to ‘make them more real.’

 

I stop all abuse toward life by ensuring that all words that come out of my mouth, all thoughts and deeds are fabricated with the consideration of being using my moment to moment to establish myself as life, and to provide me with enough self-support as oxygen that allows me to be HERE breathing, walking, talking, communicating with others without having to ‘socialize’ into lies of power games, submission, control, depression and any other midlife crisis that I see only exists as a self created experience by each being that allows oneself to go through such experiences as something that is ‘real’ when in fact, it’s all self created/ self-generated at a mind level.

 

Who we are as life is as constant and consistent as the breath that I breathe in, hence I allow myself to breath and speak from the starting point of supporting what’s best for all life at all times, as that will ensure that I become part of the self-honest participants required in this world to stop the old and pave the way fro the new way of living as humanity based on Equality and Oneness as Life.

 

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To Forgive and Let go

And become part of the Neighborism supporters wherein we ensure that all relationships between human beings are being exposed to be redefined into best-for-all outcomes wherein Life in Equality is the principle we follow.

 

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Life Review – The Internal Battle with Pleasing Others


Day 25: Existential Woes

Since yesterday that I read Heaven’s Journey to Life blog, Consumerism Starts in the Womb of the Mother: DAY 23 I got quite a reaction coming up from the realization of the birthing process and how it actually takes place in such a way that it is like a recreation of that very initial moment of separation from the whole, that initial division that had a negative energy in it as a result of such conflict/friction that ensued separation. This point clicked within me as a piece in the puzzle that I had been missing out through my life as the experience that I would constantly have with no apparent reason for it at all.

As I’ve shared before, I had a very ‘normal life,’ I was and have been supported, got education and ‘great opportunities’ that have lead me to live a relatively stable and comfortable life. However, I always had this nagging experience that I could only call an ‘existential woe’ and I remember reading Sartre and somehow identifying myself with that, the same with Camus and other people that are now simply seen for what they are as ‘existentialists’ – that was a first approach. However I continued to search for more, to give a ‘name’ to this existential woe. I simply accepted such experience as a kind of  slight chronic depressive tendencies without any reason to have them. I even accepted the fact that maybe it had to do with being a more ‘sensitive person,’ but the reality is that I now understand a lot more about who we are/ our creation in a way that we all have now as a once in an existential lifetime opportunity.

 

I had shared since the beginning of this process why everything that I would depict in art was always this state of worry/ woe/ anguish/ concern, and I found it very very difficult to do anything else but depict such state of being that I could only pin point as a rather ‘deep’ experience within me that I wasn’t fully aware of. Yet it was Here, always here. And I even thought that it had to do with some fucked up chain karma of past lives or having had birth-suffering because of having my umbilical cord around my neck for quite some time. It is fascinating – to say the least – what I’m realizing within these blogs and overall with the interviews that are being released. Now I’m able to understand what I had never ever been able to place into words, never being able to grasp it, yet it was certainly an experience that had no reason to be other than just being ‘here’ as myself. I could be making a big assumption in terms of me expressing that point of separation and ‘existential woe’ through the pictures and scenes that I would draw/paint, but at least, such expressions now make more sense in terms of how such anguish and constant ‘down’ experience is what we all human beings exist as that very first energetic surge from that primordial friction/ conflict that caused the separation of the whole generating  a negative experience.

 

So, because none of us can fully remember or even explain/ give a name to these inherent experiences of absolute negativity toward ourselves and everyone else, it makes complete sense how this that I had experienced in what I would call ‘irrational manner’ toward people in my world.

Because of reading these blogs, all of the self-destructive patterns and behaviors we have lived out somehow make sense now. This is not within the context of it being something beneficial for all, no. It is about being able to understand A LOT more about ourselves as mind consciousness systems and why even after these 4 years of walking/reading the Desteni material, I only thought that such constant experience of negativity toward myself/ the world in general was merely ‘preprogrammed’ which is not, it is really the experience of separation as the cross we bear in fact.

 

Now, why this is such an important point to walk from what I have realized/ understood through my own experience, is because each one of us is essentially walking their own points of separation to reintegrate/ get ourselves back to the point that we have only separated ourselves from as relationships/ experiences, in a very absurd manner  -and by absurd I mean that we missed Ourselves as Life all the time, as simple as that. I also realize there are no If’s and that I could write a Looong blog about the reactions of ‘what ifs’ -however, what’s relevant here is walking my own mind of self-separation as I see and realize that it is the only way that I can really live that which is required for us to be/ do when realizing to what extent we had become these absolutely lost drones with no ability to remember that we once were all.

 

Why is this a very cool point? Because now I see how there is an actual ‘reason’ for such existential experience within each one of us, and now we can see that we missed the very obvious: Together we thrive and separated we fear and destroy each other.

One example is no matter how many millions you have, as long as we are still existing in separation. Makes sense why even during the first years throughout childhood there is conflict between children, conflict between children and parents, conflict from the very process of gestation within the womb. And yes, somehow it also makes sense why it was so difficult for me to see anything ‘holy’ and ‘graceful’ about childbirth.

 

I breathe and let go of this as I see that sometimes it is easy to reinforce the points of separation, instead of actually walking it through a writing of Self-Support wherein I make sure I honor myself as words, as the creation of the word as who I am. What does that mean? That all words that reinforce separation, must be walked through a process of self-correction and in that, I see that the usual ‘fear’ that exists is having to let go of our specialness within the use of words, the ‘who we are as words’ that encapsulate the entirety of ‘who we are’ in these great bubbles of ego that eventually only work as hard and soft veneers to keep ourselves ‘stable’ in this self-created world of Machiavellis  wherein we are all constantly existing in fear and experiencing this irrational hatred toward one another. I had a hard time playing nice in my life – yet I knew the system-value such attitudes had in terms of being able to use it to manipulate for my own benefit. And I would usually experience discomfort and judgment toward having to cheat or be corrupt, never realizing that we were the very instigators of such inner conflict that has become our reality till this day.

 

There is certainly a lot more to understand  – however I can see for now that I can make more sense of myself now, which I am grateful for, because even after having had extensive information, there was always this ‘point’ wherein I could not really understand Why we hated each other, because that’s the truth and there will be specific interviews to come that will explain why no two beings could stand in actual equality and oneness, which doesn’t surprise me. Sometimes I just have to take a deep breath to realize that I am here, I am the result of all of ‘that’ and I have the tools and essentially it’s up to me now to turn off the lights.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever seek a life-experience meaning to my ‘existential woe’ which now makes sense as the actual process of separation from who I am wherein the ‘who I am‘ emerged from that primordial separation from the whole wherein we lost all sense of recognition of who I am as one and equal and in that, accepted my self-definition as a negative-experience within this individualization as a process of ‘losing my religion,’ as in losing that unification wherein everything was just here, as self, stable as self, constant and consistent, which is what my physical body is actually the living-existence of that, I can trust my physical body and everything that I cause as a disruption exists as energy, as thoughts, as emotions, feelings, perceptions, ideas, that emerge from my participation and continuation in that initial negative experience from the moment of first-separation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience this seemingly unexplainable hatred toward everything and everyone as an experience wherein I thought that there was something ‘wrong’ with me, going into judgment and trying to tamper it with playing the nice well-behaved little girl, even if it was obvious that from that very first ‘system’ day as the first day of school, I created this profiling of my classmates as people that I could either like or dislike, without having an particular reason that I could explain at the moment, as to ‘why I could dislike someone,’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with laughter, woe and general ‘powerlessness’ when realizing to what extent I have been unaware of myself, not only about the ‘who I am’ as one and equal, but within the realization of how separate we are from our very own physical body,because we cannot even know exactly how our body functions until now that we are having these great explanations of who we really are. I can certainly say that to me being able to hear this now is like ‘manna from heaven’ because I am sure that I’ve spent endless lifetimes longing to hear form it. Sometimes it became such a ‘normal’ thing to be living with a portal and talking to various beings that it really became a ‘normal thing’ – however this is an existential process and we’re at ‘the point’ wherein we are ‘on the spot’ so to speak to be able to get it, and the fact that it depends entirely on us reminds me the type of responsibility that this process implies within each one of us, human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in such an initial fear of fucking it up again and having to simply end it all even after realizing that this world is already quite stable, that this Earth could require some changes and it could be heaven on Earth – yet because of perceiving it to be an insurmountable task I have believed that it will be ‘very difficult’ for us to do this, yet this is only a the very back of my head/ back chat because in a conscious manner as a ‘positive thinker’ that I tend to be is: ‘oh yeah we’ll do it’ – but ultimately it’s not about thinking it, but living it. Therefore

 

When and as I see myself believing ‘oh yeah, we’ll make it, we can’t go wrong this time/ there’s no way we won’t make it now’ and having a positive thinking while listening to the potential outcomes explained in the interviews while and during the moments when worst case scenarios are being explained – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have become this ‘fighter’ that feels like part of a military that must keep a certain ‘hold’ all the time wherein the image of someone with a shield in a battlefield becomes a recurrent image within me, and I see that I created this ‘warrior’ experiences when delving into ideas of being some kind of life-defender according to some of the multiple and varied material I read about spirituality/ new age movements that I researched for a while.

 

Therefore, I realize that the decision to walk this process is a self-willed decision that I in fact took on for myself, for the very first time in my life or even existence wherein I realize that there is nothing to ‘defend’ or ‘battle against,’/ overcome, but instead is simply a process of reintegrating myself back to who I am wherein I walk my own mind to get out of such ever-lasting character and start actually living as the physical, as the reality of who I am.

 

I realize that any usual though in the back of my head of this all being ‘impossible’ as a result of having cultivated a constant view upon humanity as being ‘royally fucked’ and in that, validating my thoughts as ‘real’ without ever knowing that it was this very experience that I had that I become so used to exist-as ‘me’ as such constant judgment toward everything and everyone – which is only self-created wherein I helped co-create this world in the image and likeness of separation.

 

I was walking and it is fascinating how much we can make our home gates seem perfectly ‘normal’ and even beautify them with all of this useless ornaments, without realizing that the very existence of such gates like family-cells in each and every single house, indicates the fortresses that we have built out of realizing the potential ‘danger’ that we represent to each other. This is absolutely ludicrous, however it’s our reality, it’s what we have become: warded beings in our little fortresses fearing each other, entertaining ourselves to not realize the extent of separation that we’re living in, consuming our physical bodies while constantly thinking and thinking and thinking and going into endless self-talks that never lead anywhere else, but into further confusion – con. fusion= perfect soup for the mind to generate extra energy to keep the god system alive.

 

It also became very obvious for me today how I was definitely in a state of physical woe while listening the latest Atlantean interview, which is curiously called now that I see ‘Caged in Powerlessness’  because the entire point of obvious acceptance of separation is explained and in that, there is no space left to deny that we weren’t ‘aware’ of it. When hearing the result of how a single belief within the Atlanteans or what a single surge of excitement caused in Anu to ‘overlook’ within his creative processes wherein such fuck-ups manifested the consequences that we are living now: a single belief, a single surge of excitement – one single point missed  and the entirety of existence went along with it, and the fact is that I can see myself in both patterns, specially with the excitement one, wherein I could have definitely pictured myself becoming greatly excited about anything such as a great discovery in existence and disregard any point of practicality in the moment, just because of how nice it sounded/ was

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience regret, woe and a general sense of powerlessness while listening to the explanations of how we got ourselves in the state that we are living in as existence. I realize that this experience is coming from me thinking about what I have accepted and allowed within myself to be and become in absolute disregard of myself, my own creation, my physical body that I’ve applied some points of self forgiveness for, but I had not gone into the topic of the absolute acceptance that we went into within becoming just individuals defined by energetic experiences. Energy is a diminished and controllable form of substance in existence – and the fact that we’re not even aware of our own mind as energy, places us really at the ‘scum level’ figuratively speaking, because the scum of the Earth is definitely fully aware of itself, while us humans aren’t –

 

So, really – the only way that I can accept myself to continue living in this world after all the damage we’ve done is to stop all victimization –first place at an individual level – and secondly, realize that we were never here to become ‘masters’ in reality – we are here to restore the order and become the real guardians of the Earth along with all the Earthlings – no more power games or desires to ‘attain’ the non existent heavens or gods – we are here, we walk the consequences, we take Self Responsibility until it is done. And as we’ve said many times, the only way I can see myself walking this is obviously within being part of a group of people, that I see are walking the exact same process as I am, along with the entirety of existence that is equally here. That means that I walk this once in a lifetime opportunity – or once in an existential lifetime – to finally stop all cycles of abuse as the actual infinity loop that I describe when I write ‘cycles’ as it goes from pole to pole, just like cathode and anode to create energy.

 

I commit myself to stop any and all forms of energetic surges through writing, applying self forgiveness and structuring a practical point of support for me to be able to realize my creation as my point of separation and being able to reintegrate it as myself once that I’ve walked through the process of identifying, correcting, living self forgiveness to stop participating actively in recreating these same primordial separation from the whole every time that I go into any form of positive, negative or neutral experience as ‘who I am’ – I instead becomes the point that walks the necessary process to stop.

” I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand how my development/growth/manifestation of/as my physical-body within and as the womb of/as the female’s physical-body – is the manifested-representation, equal-to and one-with what I have become/done since the beginning in my relationship as manifested-singularity to/towards the whole/existence as me. Where: the female’s physical-body womb = is equal-to and one-with the womb of/as existence/the whole. Where: my physical-body development/growth/manifestation is dependent on a constant/continuous process of/as friction/conflict to/towards the very womb of/as the physical-body of the female = equal-to and one-with my manifested-singularity development/growth/manifestation that was/always has been dependent on the constant/continuous process of/as friction/conflict to/towards the whole/existence.” Sunette Destonian Spies

 

Learn how to coexist with others as equals, walk with us!

Quote by Bernard Poolman from the awesome blog

Day 24: MY MIND IS BLOWING UP!

 

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2012 Media and Entertamement: the Mirror of our own Decay

I realize that I have been brainwashed in many ways, but I have certainly realized more points that I had not considered based on the latest Desteni material, like the Life Reviews – which are interviews where people that have died, come through the portal and share their realizations so that we – people still being alive on Earth -are able to realize what we are taking for a ‘living experience’ in this world. As they walk their own stories, they share perspectives on how to assist and support ourselves to stop and correct our patterns and habits that keep us in a certain ‘predefined’ life, which is currently existing as limitation and ultimately leading us to die without having granted us the ability to Forgive ourselves and change. It’s like walking a real-life story wherein for a moment you get to know a being’s inner experience throughout their life – just like you would ‘get to know’ a character in a book – yet always having a supportive perspective and input that will most likely not leave you ‘confused’ about it, but will leave a nice ‘taste in your mouth’ in order to realize that we don’t have to get to the extremes of limitation that they experienced while being alive.

 

So, within this context, I realized how even with famous people in this world – that we obviously get to know through media –  I took a certain stance toward particular people, where the media assembled ‘evidence’ to make a ‘case’ out of their story and cause  sensationalism around the lives of particular beings that I now realize, I actually judged within my mind without even noticing it, without allowing me to consider the common sense that I also experienced at times which was seeing and realizing that people were only judgmental about a grown man being able to enjoy children without being a pedophile or something like that. It is absolutely disgraceful how even our ‘media’ is able to put up a knife against the wall and cause such division in the name of ‘putting up a show’ and causing enough attention to sell their adverts/ commercial space in quite juicy rates.  And I participated in it, I watched the documentaries, the cases, I would experience ‘third party embarrassment’ whenever such cases would arise within the lives of the rich and famous. I became ‘part of it’ – I didn’t fully allow myself to listen to that common sense that I could see in a moment, but allowed myself to obfuscate it with the nicely and strategically placed “evidence” directed to make a case out of it. 

That’s how I discovered that even when we think we are ‘not participating’ in some of the usual trivial realities that we see on the media, even by accepting it ‘as it is’ I am already taking a stance toward it, instead of having realized how is it that we have allowed our day to day living be constantly influenced by this ‘public opinion’ which is certainly controlled and manipulated in order to divert people’s attention from what is actually relevant in this world – and using/ abusing people’s lives to broadcast them as part of the ‘freak show’ that we have allowed media to become. Because it is common sense: if we all had enough resolve to stop consuming it, it would invariably have to adapt to a new perspective on what actual supportive Media should be, which would simply not be profit-driven and based on promoting common sense, education and an actual sharing of relevant information that can benefit the equal-understanding of ourselves as individuals and as part of reality within this ecosystem as a whole.  At Desteni we are already producing the new culture of Life, promoting common sense and reviewing history to place it as an example of all the points that must be corrected in order to Stop the patterns of the past, which were mostly based on ‘survival of the fittest’ through encouraging the desire to obtain power, recognition and a halo of success in order to ‘feel whole’ within one’s life experience.

 

We have realized that’s NOT what living is or should be – yet at the moment, we walk the process in order to direct ourselves breath by breath as we go observing in our own reality how even the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points do have an effect on what we collectively accept and allow within this world, such as our current media and their current ‘power’ to form people’s opinion, with no common sense most of the times.

 

 

2. We tend to judge people in our minds in such an immediate way based on ‘what’s logical’ and ‘what makes sense,’ based on supposed evidence that can be easily manipulated in order to suit particular interests which – as we can see in our reality – have not been in the best interest of all, but creating enough ‘noise’ for the same sake of making money, creating a case where there is non. And what’s fascinating is how obviously, if this goes into trials and further federal interventions, it makes it ‘even more believable’ eventually losing perspective that such ‘cases’ were generated not ‘on TV’ but in our own mind as the starting point for the entire system that is HERE as our self-reflection. McLuhan was right with the externalization of the mind as our reality, spot on when realizing that this entire reality works and functions according to all the points of separation that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as. I would see myself often judging and even reacting in an emotional experience when watching all the ‘junk’ that people watch on TV. However I missed the point: I was only judging what I also have accepted and allowed myself to become – big cold bucket of water when realizing this, as I had to then walk through a self-forgiving process when seeing how getting pissed off at people watching TV was only stemming from myself and my own experience of having mimicked what I saw and wanted myself to ‘be like,’ which could not have been possible without TV, magazines, books, music, etc.   So, within listening to this being in his life review, I realized how I had participated as well in such judgment and had given-into the ‘nicely presented’ evidence to build such case.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge the media and information of this world as ‘not having anything to do with me’ without realizing that in such statement, I was only considering me-myself-and-I as my own personal experience wherein I lived a life of only caring about myself, to feel ‘good’ and seek to be as far as possible from anything that seemed ‘vulgar’ for me to watch, discuss or communicate about with others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge media and entertainment as ‘vulgar’ and sleazy within the context of seeing it as only being able to be ‘watched’ and ‘absorbed’ by people that ‘didn’t have anything better to do,’ without ever realizing that it was myself judging me for what I have also accepted and allowed myself to become within wanting to not be part of the ‘brainwashed society’ – without realizing that I was already brainwashing myself by believing myself to be ‘above it’ and within that, exist in a superiority mode that can only exist within my mind whenever I believe myself to be separated from everything and everyone in this reality – which I am not.

Therefore I realize that whenever I see myself judging the media and pointing fingers at people watching a particular type of entertainment shows, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can only judge that which I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as in the first place, which begins with looking at my own mind wherein I created categories according to who and what I would like to experience in my reality – always having disregarded the totality of this world as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I knew better’ than people, and that allowing themselves to be ‘brainwashed by media’ I was in fact taking the ‘right path’ to be non-brainwashed, without realizing that the media is already the product of our very own nature as the mind that seeks to get attention, to seek experiences to generate feelings and emotions and a continuous idea and belief of ‘being living’ through the mind only – which is how I see and realize the media is the portrayal of our mind with colors, pictures designed by ourselves to experience through images, pictures, colors, characters and stories that keep us diverted from being actually HERE and Living our own lives in physical reality.

Therefore I realize that as longa s I am existing as the mind that seeks energetic experiences as quick energetic fixes through feelings, participating in emotions or directing myself from the starting point of ‘wanting to experience’ I am existing as the creator of what the media is now existing as. For this world to change, I must stop and change myself – there is no way that we can stop this ongoing industry that we have made of ‘life’ in this world, other than stopping each one of us from participating in our own minds, to eventually live in a physical common sensical reality wherein we will be able to decide how we want to experience ourselves, what we can enjoy ourselves with based on Living-  not only experiencing vicariously through pictures and stories that we see through the media.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘judge the media’ as ‘the system’ that manipulates, controls and molds people’s opinion, without realizing that we can only be influenced and directed in such a way if we haven’t allowed ourselves to develop common sense and an actual practical living understanding of what living as equals implies in terms of using the media to support life and better our living conditions, such as being informed, educated and having the ability to communicate about points that pertain all equally.

 

I see and realize that as long as this world is based on profit, whatever we can get through the media will still be biased and side-viewed according to the interests at play, which we are not yet fully aware of which is how within developing common sense, we are able to stop easily following the ways that we have been taught to think, believe and perceive ourselves as, not only ‘the world’ but our very own life within the schemes that we have accepted and allowed, such as valuing ourselves according to how we look, where we live, how much money do we have, how educated we are and all of the various points that are currently determining an entire beings’ experience in this world, which is NOT based in Equality as what’s best for all – hence our living-commitment to become the culture of life that promotes self-support, equality and the realization that: we are able to in fact live in a best for all way if each one of us does their part.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build opinions and judgments about the information that I take from the media based on how I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘trust’ and ‘believe’ in certain information if ‘enough evidence is existent’ – without realizing that I have been equally brainwashed to believe things based on presenting supposed “facts” and “evidence” wherein I then allow my perspectives be molded and shaped according to how the media presents it in front of my eyes to read/ watch.

I realized that any idea that I could have of myself being ‘above’ the media-brainwashing process, I was in fact deliberately being oblivious to my own participation within it, as what the media presents is the reflection of ourselves in all ways: our desires, dreams, judgments, discrimination, fascinations, yearnings, hopes, criticisms toward the world, beliefs, etc. It is our mirror and our own trap to keep us well occupied while neglecting the reality as we serve the money-god with the eternal motivational factors like seeking to experience ‘heaven’ with no regard to whomever had to suffer the consequences of such ‘acceptable desire.’

There can be no heaven on Earth unless it is equally available for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take part of the sides and factions that are created within presenting a ‘case’ and having people supporting one side or the other – which is only creating enough fuzz and buzz that has one single outcome: creating enough waves in order to make the most money out of people being watching/ reading from the media, which allows them to sell publicity for a lot of money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a being that can ‘trust upon evidence’ without ever realizing that such evidence can obviously be manipulated in order to get a particular outcome – and within that, allowing me to take and create a particular side and make opinions/ judgments upon the subject of the news/ event in our world, without having allowed myself to give enough space to develop the common sense perspective and Self Honesty that we all have, yet suppressed when listening to our thoughts within our mind, instead of considering any other way based on an actual understanding of how reality works.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having believed myself to be able to ‘discern’ and be judicious, prudent, mature and clear sighted when watching the news and information through the media, without realizing that even while believing myself to be that, I was only generating further judgments within my mind about the separation and ‘ridiculousness’ of it all. I see and realize that whenever I see myself being ‘out of the game’ and taking a particular ‘side’ to it, I am in fact still playing the game – I realize that I am able to support myself through watching what is currently being broadcasted and information and discern it within the starting point and constant reference of ‘what is best for all. ‘

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge a man as being a potential pedophile just because of what I perceived was an ‘unusual enjoyment with kids,’ without realizing that I was then  also becoming that which I have judged about others and fearing others believing about myself as well when being around kids. I realize that I have also become part of the products that media has ‘profiled’ as a ‘critical beings’ yet within the bounds of the information that I receive, instead of having allowed myself to develop common sense to not only take a certain ‘side’ when watching the news, but always considering what is best for all and thinking out of the box wherein no sides are taken but rather seen from another angle and perspective that is usually not portrayed within the usual biased way of presenting information within the media, which is specifically portrayed in such a way to divide people and conquer through making loads of money out of it.

I realize that this is in no way judging the media itself, as I’ve explained it’s our direct reflection of how the starting point of what we do has become ‘profit’ in all ways, and how human integrity is surpassed when money is the point that’s the aim within ‘making a story’ instead of sharing stories within common sense that act as educative tools for ourselves as human beings walking similar lives to the lives of others or those that have gone before us.

That’s how the Desteni material is in fact the type of education  – and why not-  enjoyment that comes when being able to get ‘real life stories’ that don’t require any pictures for us to identify ourselves within it and get the opportunity to live the correction while we are still here on Earth.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a system wherein we have bound each other to not be able to trust anything or anyone, just because anything can be easily manipulated and  anyone can be easily corrupted for money, wherein we have accepted and allowed money to become the actual ‘main role’ within this reality wherein all living beings and all our relationships are relegated to a second plane, wherein they are tainted by and through the very point that money represents: your ability to live and die, your success or failure within this system.

I realize that there is no current support being promoted in this world due to the starting point of that which is ‘popular’ being made out of the greed for profit making that is still doable and feasible in this world. Hence I see that only through stopping myself from participating in the same cycles of motivation through and by energy, I can start living the equality-process as myself, wherein I stop my own energetic dependencies in a desire to ‘live’ – and instead focus and direct myself to walk within the consideration of the actual reforms and processes that are required in order to LIVE and not survive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a capitalist in the very thoughts that I have projected onto reality according to the ‘evidence’ that I am presented with, which means that I am only seeing through the same eye of the mind that I have trained myself-as to invariable take one of the two sides that are existent within the presentation of a story – and even remaining ‘neutral’ is also a position that is mostly comfortable and safe, which is further evasion of reality while believing that such points ‘do not have anything to do with ourselves’ which is an egotistical-perspective wherein I am only considering ‘my experience’ instead of realizing that these are points that exist in this reality = therefore, they are also part of who and what I have become.

I realize that in order to ‘change the media’ that we are currently getting, it is a process of self-education first, developing common sense and having Self-Honesty as the key that we all walk individually, to realize how we have fooled ourselves and manipulated our very reality in order to suit a delusional system of power games and values that were imposed onto the physical reality that is HERE as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having dared to partake in the general rejoice that we as human beings within society get when being sarcastic, judgmental and making a mockery out of ‘public figures,’ tending to forget that they are also beings that are as real as you and I and that only got to be in a certain position wherein they become part of the ‘eyes of the world’ without ever stopping myself to question why I am validating myself being ‘opinionated’ about anyone, really – regardless of knowing them or not knowing them.

 

We live in fear because we realize our ability to judge and live in eternal comparison and power games within wanting to ‘be the winner’ – which in this case is the belief that I could be ‘out of the loop’ of what I judged as ridiculous and vulgar such as what the media would portray, without realizing that in doing so I was in fact taking an arrogant position toward the reality that I am living in, that is here as myself and my creation, no mater how much I perceived myself to be ‘outside of it.’

 

 

3. Eventually we end up fearing being judged because of what we know within ourselves we are able and capable to do within our secret mind when judging someone and ‘get away with it,’ believing that there is no consequence to it. Well, the time is here to face our own reality based on how we believed that ‘thinking’ and ‘judging’ caused ‘no harm’ to anyone, and believing it to be ‘our personal affair’ or even ‘right’ to do so, wherein we develop a vicarious relationship toward the world within our secret mind wherein we are always ‘above it all’ apparently, being able to even get a kick out of confabulating stories and judgments upon others without ever daring to see that none of it is about ‘them’ and that such judgment can only be revealing what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become individually. It’s our own Mirror of Flesh.

 

The same point goes with judging people that apparently ‘had it all’ yet realizing that even with ‘all the money and fame of the world’ if their inner experience was not able to be sorted out by themselves, they would eventually live out in a self-deprecating way the same that a person living on the streets would. And even from a broader perspective, I realized that it doesn’t matter how much money a person may have, the single fact of having to live  in this world wherein there is an obvious inequality and abuse, makes such fame and fortune something that should be rather regarded as self-abuse other than praising it as the ‘grandiosity’ that we tend to veil such people with, accepting and allowing such fortune as ‘mere luck’ or even ‘hard work’ without taking into consideration that such luck and hard work is not even a possibility for someone that is born in a condition of extreme poverty by default.

 

Another point is how we also tend to apply judgments generally toward a particular sector of the people in this world – specifically in these cases ‘famous people’ as artists or politicians and anyone else ‘in the spotlight.’ I realize how all of such judgments were based on the information that I would get ‘about them’ based on how media manipulates it to suit their interests – which, once again – are profit-driven and even often politically driven in order to manipulate society in a particular direction for purposes that might not even be directly related to the person in the spotlight.

Now, if we apply the same point onto not only other people, but laws, the nature of institutions, how money system works, our social considerations, education, human relationships – we can start considering that we have in fact never been self-directive beings but only conditioned to live in a drone-mode that complies to consume and believe that fearing each other and having to defend yourself from others is ‘normal,’ that seeking for only the well being of ‘your loved ones’ is only ‘natural predisposition’ and that caring only about your own interests is part of being a ‘clever human being.’ Nice tags that we’ve used to disguise the absolute abuse, fear and greed that we have all participated in –in an open and blatant way or in a silent and reserved manner.

 

 

4. In terms of media manipulation, I watched a documentary two weeks ago wherein the production and presentation of the material is leading you to understand that people that dare to actually inform of the harsh reality within society, exposing the actual ‘arrangements’ that are built within the ‘power spheres’ in our society -such as politics, media, religion – they are immediately banned and shut down, making it virtually impossible to keep going unless they ‘find their own way’ within the system, having no support from the official “authorities” to expand their journalism.

However, as much as these people were committed to expose drug cartels and even had members of their staff killed as part of the vengefulness from the people that were exposed in their newspaper, it is also just another side of the coin within the game. I realized at the end of it that you go out of the movie believing that ‘what  they do is ‘right’ and that they are being victimized within this country’ as in being censored to the point of not having any paper to produce their weekly journal, which forces them to produce it outside of the country across the northern border in the U.S. Well, the reality is that even in exposing the worst cases of drug cartels and  killings and hostages that take place, it has not made a difference in this world, no matter how many of the newspaper staff had to die, it still has not made any difference, because it remains only as a point that merely reports/ exposes yet, doesn’t propose an actual point of support within understanding how the money system works and how everything that exist – as it exist-  is the direct result of our accepted and allowed structure as our world system based on profit-making, as the only way to survive.

 

 

5. I got a similar realization when watching Anna’s vlog on ‘Are single people more depressed? – Fear in the Media Exposed’ which is another proof of how all of these articles that are promoted to ‘test yourself’ are in fact leading you to instigate a question within you, that you will then be curious enough to see if what they are proposing as elements to identify yourself-with equate to a particular tag that could define in fact ‘who you are.’ And if you identify yourself with such judgments/ tags and self-beliefs, you are then invariably lead to accept the rest of the content as ‘the explanation of who you are,’ which in this case is making people believe that: if you are single, you are more prone to feeling depressed and lonely and in that, creating a direct ‘hint’ saying ‘Hello, you have a ‘problem’ and you require a solution’ wherein one would then ‘seek solutions’ to the perceived ‘emotional instability’ which leads to the usual answers given within our wondrous pharmaceutical reality wherein Prozac knocks at your door whenever the word ‘depression’ is placed in front of your eyes. Isn’t this the ultimate brainwashing to create unnecessary illnesses and mental ‘problems’ only to make a quick and perpetual buck out of it? It is – yet we accept it and allow it. That’s how a ‘medical voice’ can suggest taking Prozac for the sake of stopping feeling miserable while being lonely? Never realizing that the people that created such ‘tests’ got some money out of it, the people that sell you the drugs, get some money out of it and the people that will continue supplying with such drugs will love you for the rest of your life for the same reason. Who’s the one that bought into the game? You/ I / we did.

 

We have become so used to ‘linking the dots’ according to how we ‘learn through the media’ which is how we become – and accept our inherent propensity- as predictable systems that, if we believe ourselves to have some type of mental disorder or ‘unbalance,’ we will then ‘seek for help’ because we fear being sick and eventually dying – that’s how we are always seeking to be as ‘hell-thee’ as possible without actually understanding what physical support really is, which is once again not based on the multivitamins and additives that are put on your food and promoted as ‘health food.’ It’s about developing common sense to first see how we have bought into an industry of ‘life’ instead of even figuring out what LIVING actually is.

 

This is not from a judgmental point, because we realize that we have all been equally participating in this system of money-making lives and for that, we can place ourselves in the shoes of those with such fortunes and ‘power’ and we would probably have done the exact same thing. Hence this is to clarify that there are no energetic strings attached to this exposure, it is about placing out what I have seen and realized today as the accumulation of hearing these interviews by people that allow me to realize what a tyrant I was when becoming a walking sack of judgments toward the world that is myself.

 

6. there is one clear example that has changed my perspective toward myself and ‘how I see the world’ this year, which was the interview done by  Gadhafi of course which I have Vlogged about as well – I’ll leave the links below – wherein I realized that I had never questioned my own brainwashing about it, and  that I have judged indiscriminately people that I didn’t ever get to meet or actually talk to, yet accepted it because that’s what apparently ‘famous people’ are entitled to go through, being the bait for all our human scorn to be projected onto them, forgetting about the fact that: they are also human beings!

When you get to hear ‘from their own voice’ their actual inner experience in contrast to what was presented in the media  – which is ‘how’ we ‘get to know them,’ it is inevitable to not react in  embarrassment and even regret for having participated in such judgments based on the opinion-building abilities that media has right now, of which we can only support ourselves to stop believing that ‘evidence builds a case’ and taking everything on a ‘face value’ instead of allowing ourselves to develop common sense, focus on becoming the point that stops all judgment, that stops building any ideas about others, and instead becomes the constant and consistent example of how we can coexist as human beings that support each other to live, not to gossip, judge and stigmatize people based on what causes enough sensationalism to make money out of it.

The me.die and enter.tamement industry begins and ends with us stopping our own mind from seeking useless diversions to not face ourselves and take self responsibility for our own lives. We begin with ourselves here.

 

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Life Reviews:


Impatience

Impatience – in pain shuns

Being called ‘Ms. anxiety’ was not a matter of casualty – this is the way that my mother would call me whenever I would get desperate and anxious to get things done in the moment I wanted, whenever I wanted and as I wanted it, which is a pattern I had/have lived throughout my life. I now see it as her having to deal with a female version of my father in the role of ‘her daughter’ whenever I  I would play out this pattern from a very early age in my life.

I would see the culmination of this when throwing tantrums every time that things didn’t go ‘my way.’ I would create and compound these energies that I would only ‘discharge’ in deliberate ways when I would exert them out in the form of what I could call extreme anger possessions. These were moments wherein in the middle of a tantrum I would go into a room or the bathroom in extreme anger and, in my mind being very, very pissed off about something which was usually linked to my pet peeves at that age. In between the crying while backchatting myself to sustain the ‘anger’ within me, I would take my body to a state of absolute shock until I would experience the type of chills that take over your entire body. In such moments after experiencing that ‘peak’ of anger wherein I could feel and experience all my nerves ‘piking up,’  I would then slow down, and then mostly remaining crying in guilt and even a form of pity toward myself, because of realizing that I was physically harming my body whenever I took myself to that point, I would even fear for my heart suddenly paralyzing in such moments. I guess this was my first ability to understand self-abuse at a physical level from which I would tell myself not to do it again, I can even remember giving little kisses to my arms because I could experience a great pain afterwards throughout my entire body which was obviously not cool to walk through. It was almost the same experience I would get when having to vomit when being sick.

So, back to here and how this came up.

I just experienced a pain on the top of my back and I saw that it emerged after walking through a point of having to answer someone’s posts while keeping it as simple and as common sensical as possible without allowing me to get frustrated and irritated by ‘the other person simply ‘not getting it’ without realizing that self-support must be here, unconditional and without any form of experience being created within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shun away the point of applying self forgiveness for experiencing ‘impatience’ just because of thinking ‘I can handle it’ which is actually a point of ego wherein I am mostly not facing the point as myself and being aware of what I am participating at a thought level, and just ‘shunning it away’ to not realize that I am still reacting in frustration and irritation when having to explain something to someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an entire physical tenseness where my jaw is mostly tense and in pain as I read through the words that I have to reply to and judging the person as ‘inept’ for not being able to ‘get it,’ within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional experience of anger, irritation and frustration which I perceive as ‘impatience’ only once that I have accepted and allowed the backchat to keep going eventually manifesting as an entire physical experience of pain and discomfort which is here reminding me that I cannot just pretend that ‘I can handle it’ and not face the experience that I am creating within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create impatience out of wanting others to see as I see and understand at the same rate I understand and within this, not taking into consideration the the other person’s context and background which is what I must take into consideration before continuing creating any judgment upon another, which is simply unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert anger onto others through written words when becoming frustrated and irritated and get even more irritated if I see no ‘reaction’ within them either, which is quite a fuckup because I have become used to fighting others within anger and this irritation toward others that then becomes an irritation exerted toward the entire world without seeing/ realizing that such irritation and frustration is only toward myself, accumulated from my own procrastination to direct myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own irritation and accumulated frustration toward others whenever I perceive others to be ‘too slow’ to get it or having to explain the same point several times.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘everything is fine’ because the person perceives that I am being ‘patient’ through answering all the questions and feeling ‘good’ because the person is ‘getting it’ apparently, while in fact I am not being patient within myself, only writing in away that is able to be understood – however I take responsibility for my inner experience and STOP existing in this inner experience even if it is not noticeable through my words, so this is about allowing myself to be Self Honest about it, give myself this time to write about it and then continue walking which is cool and self supportive.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe every moment that I see this energetic experience of tension and impatience coming up which manifests as this entire tension in my jaw which leads me to have thoughts about just wanting to punch something/ someone lol even if I cannot see myself doing that in real life, but the experience is just like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy as anger and frustration toward myself and exerting it out on to others as and through backchat which is only causing me to experience the effect of such accumulated energy as pain, instead of realizing that I can breath through it and disperse/ diffuse the point as I see it and experience it in the moment, breathing, here, not allowing myself to go into thoughts judging myself and others in that moment and not taking self responsibility for what I am experiencing, which eventually has nothing to do with ‘others’ but myself only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be unconditionally here, absolutely here as myself replying and commenting toward others but creating a particular stance toward particular beings according to how I read them, how I see them and how I have formed a judgment around them. This is unacceptable and I see and realize that I am able to simply direct any point in common sense, unconditionally, regardless of ‘who’ the person is and within this, allowing myself to direct myself to not participate in any reaction, but only work with the words that are here to write and direct in means of self support for both parties one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as impatience in the past as a form of superiority when thinking that others are ‘too slow’ for myself which has lead me to drop out in many cases, just because of ‘having to wait for others’ and within this sabotaging my ability to stand one and equal as others as well as not completing that which I could have completed if I had been patient enough.

This made me remember that German course, well I took German twice in my life, basic courses and I dropped out of both mostly because of perceiving that everyone was too slow and the course was too repetitive whereas I wanted to ‘speed up’ and advance as fast as possible – within this I would blame the rest of the class for being inconsistent and not supportive to go faster through the courses. I lead myself to step in my superiority position and dropping out, deeming it to be ‘too slow’ for me, which lead me to simply ditch German courses altogether to my own detriment, because I simply didn’t continue out of this fucked up ‘pride’ of being ‘too fast’ for those courses – the joke was obviously only on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people according to being ‘too slow’ for myself and within this only sabotaging myself as the opportunity to support me to slow down within my ambitions of ‘getting it done’ and ‘having things done’ as fast as possible, which is just a preprogrammed ‘treat’ of myself as a perfectionist, wanting to have everything just ‘done’ and ‘ready’ and ‘perfect’ in one go, while in reality this doesn’t work that way.

We actually have to Walk through the process of realizing that we are not alone in this world, we cannot possibly ‘run’ and ‘speed’ in our own bubble – I mean if we look at the example of those people that speed their cars, they are only caring for their own either timeframe or simple enjoyment of driving fast – which I see I enjoy lol – without actually caring about potential outcomes as accidents that may occur from such ‘speeding.’ I have judged these people as ‘inconsiderate’ without realizing that I have done the same as well, not ‘speeding a car’ because I don’t even drive yet, but speeding in my mind and wanting things and people to be ‘on the same page’ all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as ‘inconsiderate’ when not slowing down and taking others into consideration when speeding up while driving, without realizing that I have been in essence playing out the same pattern but in relation to interacting with people and the general way of ‘carrying myself’ which is that of a constant ‘hurry.’

So, I’m aware of this constant hurry and almost ‘anxiety’ of how I have lived my life. This has substantially diminished, I mean, I would get this anxiety mixed with nervousness even by having to get out of my house and go downtown and having to walk through streets to get somewhere, which can be equated to ‘having to complete any task’ in my reality. There were hundreds of fears and thoughts going through my mind all the time as I would ride there, as I would step down of the bus and walk around – a lot of self judgment and fear which would lead me to hurry around the whole time until I would get to a ‘safe spot’ such as the coffee shop lol.

So, I can speak from how through walking these ‘usual habits’ through self forgiveness I have been able to stop such experiences by simply breathing through any single thought that could emerge indicating any form of nervousness, anxiety or any other fear within such simple activity like ‘going out of my house’ which I have defined as ‘safe spot.’

Through supporting ourselves to stop these experiences, we’re able to then see how such experiences are not only related to or limited to being physically moving or facing others, but are able to come up within our internet interactions. I can see this is one of the ‘shades’ of this constant hurry I would exist as, a constant exigency to have things done ‘my way’ and ‘as fast as possible’ while I would then deem the rest of the world was just ‘too slow’ for me, only sabotaging myself and miss the opportunity to slow down because of thinking that ‘everyone was wrong and too slow for me,’ instead of realizing: I am the one that must slow down, I am the one that must stand here as every breath wherein it is futile trying to ‘breath faster’ or anything like that. I mean, imagine if our physical bodies would suddenly decide to either be ‘too slow’ some days or ‘too fast’ other times – sure, metabolisms work differently because of various factors according to different people – however, it is constant as that organism’s nature. This is how we have to equalize ourselves to, that physical pace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘exigent’ toward others without realizing that I am not living that point of optimum living myself, by the single fact of such exigency coming from a personality/ ego pattern that is not in relation to the physical pace of our own breathing, of our own living process that is here moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a ‘demanding’ stance toward others without realizing that I haven’t applied this toward myself and my own application unconditionally – hence it is ludicrous to ask or be expecting anything from anyone about something that I haven’t even lived by and applied for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate ‘speed’ and doing things as ‘fast as possible’ with being efficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father for having this constant ‘rush’ as a continual form of existing without realizing that I was living out and playing out the exact same patterns in my world.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop this mutual acceptance with my father as a form of ‘empathy’ within our own mindfucks, which is how I would then enjoy going out with him because of how fast he moves and how ‘efficient’ he is in everything he does.

I would enjoy walking with him because I would have to push myself to walk as fast as he would and in that, I simply pushed myself to become equal to that which I admired of him. As I have explained, is not that this is ‘good or bad’ but it is simply to place now this point and walk it in common sense where it is now very clear how within me existing in this constant rush and desire for ‘speed’ and ‘effectiveness’ I am limiting myself within a single frame of mind that prevents me from walking this point in equality within the consideration of What’s Best for All, which is then realizing I must live this point in common sense = considering each persons’ context before reacting or judging another for whatever I have compared myself to them.

I see how in essence this is how it works: we are constantly comparing ourselves with others when having any form of reaction or experience.

Thus, this point I take as a way to place into perspective how hurrying is literally a mindfuck, rushing everything in my mind then links to some form of ‘worry’ and unnecessary anxiety that becomes ‘frustration’ because of not having things working as I expect them to work out. This is how we usually then become our own mindfucks to deal with, this is how we do it all to ourselves.

Sticking to physical reality is then realizing: I am here as breath, I move and direct each point as I read through the words and reply in common sense without expecting or wanting a particular outcome wherein I can be ‘satisfied’ about others’ understanding. I simply direct each point as it is here on my screen, without holding any idea/ belief or perception accumulated over time on a particular ‘someone’ because I see and realize that this is in no way about ‘others’ but myself only.

Point by point, moment by moment we walk here and we stop ‘unleashing the dragon’ out of nowhere – apparently – and instead make sure we don’t accumulate all of these thoughts eventually becoming physical pain to ‘deal with.’

Such forms of abuse are unnecessary, we do it to ourselves = we take self responsibility.

Breathe.

Not Breathing

Patience– the mommy of all virtues


Rattling the cages of the caged

Today I woke up much later than usual.. I actually slept for long hours, more than 8 maybe.. oops..! and then I did the usual and noticed some weirdy feeling going on and yes, I knew what it was about.. me having my period. indeed… then I casually checked my cellphone and I had this message from amanda, my friend… she wrote: “Dear Marlen, I had an accident and I’m in hospital, I’m ok”
and I went like wtf? Had no immediate reactions really,  I stood calm and so I phoned her… she told me that after I left yesterday, she went out for a ride as usual in her bike and some taxi ran over her.. so she got hit right on the face. She said she had deep bruises on her face and broke her nose… there was apparently no problem with her head – or so tomographies had revealed – there were some other superficial injuries but nothing that alarming, though, she had to go into surgery for her nose today, and for some deep bruises… gee I was like… stable I couldn’t really grasp the situation but I didnt’ know what to say to her… I didn’t feel sorry.. I couldn’t feel compassion.. I actually alrealdy posted the whole thing in PF because then I perceived myself as being coldhearted etc. ah so confusion arrived.

I actually told her that nothing happens by chance these days.. then she reacted like all different and I was like fuck ! yes.. maybe I shouldn’t have said that… ah… then well I told her I would call at night. . . and then went and told my family and they got more concerned and with more feleings and emotions involved than me… so it was awkward. The deal is I didn’t know if I should’ve gone there, go back to mexico city, but I had jsut arrived here and I thought. well.. I wouldn’t make that much difference there, and me not showing any emotions or anything would be even more weird, so I decided not to go butg to call her to know how’s it all going…
I went out to the museum to see some paintings by a rather extravagant guy and I realized that all his paintings had as base or foundation point self hate/sadness/depression/enslavement to someone to love, narcisism etc… really flowery paintings, he’s gay and so he even used some male porn in his paintings.  He had some really nice imagination but claims himself to be a faithful believer and I was like blah ! lol but anyways, too many paintings cool indeed… uhm and then there was the work of this woman that makes “clothes” out of rice paper, her own hair as thread and blood.. so she stated that it’s herself put into the art work weaving herself as the thread of life. It was nice, same kind of art works … nice. I walked around downtown, I hadn’t been there for few weeks…I noticed I don’t go around walking like 100 km per hour… I go slower now, being aware of every step.. since yesterday I understood a bit more why Rattle snake is my support…  “rattling the cages of the caged” as bernard said, at that moment I wasn’t able to understand, now I slowly but surely do. It does relate to me and the way i’m perceived in this world hehe
Also I forgot to mention that while I was listening to Enigma’s song “return to innocense” when the guy says,

just believe in destiny (lol)
dont’ care what people says
just follow your own way
don’t give up and miss the chance
to return to yourself
the return to innocense

I felt this whole body shivering, like goosebumps i dont’ know it was weird… but maybe it’s mind so i don’t want to have my own experience lol . . . though words are specific in that song… self help . I’ve liked that song for 14 years now.. whoa too much time eh? two thirds of my life

Returning home I read some replies on thread about my friend’s accident… alex claimed i shouldn’t feel bad, joseph did sf for me to release that… and catherine finally put me down to earth… Her comments struck me as I wanted to be shaked and told by someone aware of this whole process situation to give perspective…
I realized that I understood that people needed to go through much disgrace pain and terrible situations in order to be aware of what they were accepting and allowing within themselves… so that’s why this kind of events happened.. and yes I said that I knew something had to make her open eyes to what she was doing to herself. Indeed self abuse, and I can see myself mirrorred mirror-errored in that as I did the same supression on myself…

She’s doing some stuff quite more extensively, but I wont’ judge anyone, and just let them BE because I will leave everyone in their process and just step in whenever I’m required to do so. Maybe the only thing I can do is support as “I am here as you” and that’s all. Cath might’ve taken my posts as me stating that I am an aware person and she isnt’.. well… yes it might’ve been true or so my expression just showed that so cleraly it’s me, although it wasn’t my intention. So  yeah it’s me in that accident as well but somehow all my life I’ve lacked this compassion or emotions and feelings towards pain and accidents and death…

The first time I remember crying over death was when my mother’s best friend died of cancer… and I had taken it all cool but it was the first funeral I attended… and this was like maybe 5 or 6 years ago already (2001) but at some point I just burst into tears.. and that was because of memories of who she had been, how sweet person she was etc… quite a moment that was… but then I really haven’t gone through TOUGH stuff in life… and I certainly wouldn’t like to go through any of that, but maybe that’s why i’m kind of jaded… Yep I wanted to talk about me being a bit jaded maybe. So this side of me showed up today as this even unfolded… and as posts came by and replies… and the whole thing now is that I’ve got to release this and i’m waiting for somoene else’s perspectives because I’ve got a bit of polarity perspectives right now. I won’t go to visit her until I go back on monday… I’m done with the “what will they think if i don’t go etc” and so I rather put all myself into a phone call than actually going there… maybe or I’m just justifying myself to not go.
So it’s been quite something right? and period coming today.  I ate here at home, my dad bought me sushi, he’s such a great dad, and then mom and him went to movies and I was left alone..

But there was a living room delivery for this new room at home and I had to take that and move furniture and stuff and Gee! my dad’s downloaded anxiety and perfection and anguish and rushing whenever things pop off without a warning came out and I rushed and started yelling and being all desperate calling my parents because they couldn’t make moves with car being in the garage and I don’t know how to drive…. etc… almost broke a cable of the modem. agh.. and got something incrusted in my direction finger right hand, it’s still there.. wonder why… lol

I read B’s stuff about only 11 families making it through process in whole world at the time. Instant wish desire for my family/parent’s marriage to be one of the few ones… Instant fear of losing what i’ve known till now… as it is. It’s strange because little by little  I’m revealing all these points that take some effect-reaction-feeling and emotion within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish/hope and desire my family being one of the 11 families up until know making it into process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the family construct i’ve known so far

I forgive mysel that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my father
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my mother
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my sisters
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to fear losing my doggies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death of parents

I forgive mysel fthat i have accepted and allowed myself to fear death of marriage of parents

I forgivge myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself into future tragedy situations not living her as the moment

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge a for being dishonest with herself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge a for inflicting self abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that we indeed need to go through tough situations to realize what they have accepted and allowed within  ourselves
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from A and everyone else in this world ( I think i’ve done this one quite few times before)

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be fired up by things going out of control today
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslf to define me as jaded
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self doubt towards my direction and standing up in this life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my period for my mood swings today
I forgive myself that i have acceptd and allowed myself to abuse eating because of menstruation time
I forgive myself that i have accetped and allowed myself to abuse sweet not taking it is as the sweetness of life
I forgive myself that i have accetpd and allowed myself to react with feelings and emotions while reading catherine’s post in accident thread

My sister showed me this video about being happy and enjoying life and i got fired up because I know she showed me this with the starting point of her considering i’m not enjoying myself, that i’m being a bitter person and a party pooper all time.. so i explained her all the stuff and well she might’ve not understood it all but maybe some ideas rang her ears .

Ah.. they want to remain in la la land… why do I have this obsesion towards making other people know about the shit’s that’s going on?
well.. I don’t know if I should stop doing this or not.. or if I should just let everyone be in their own thing.. . .
Ah….

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered/fired up by my sister showing me that la la land video
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react with irritation and anger towards my sister’s comments on accepting the ups and downs of this word becase “that’s the way this world works”

No wonder why people remain fucked up for so long without noticing.. they accept the shit to happen

And I am still gazing out of the window to maybe see my neighbor once again, or maybe I hallucinate listening to his guitar… ahh fuck .. I really”hope” that i’m not going downwards or backwards on this because I’m actually spending time making videos and doing the stuff i did, listening to music and all that… so.. yep… I want perspectives on this

I don’t want to be messing with me without knowing that I might in fact be doing the exact opposite thing .. .. yep still gaze out the window hoping he might be there..

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire meeting my neighbor by chance
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react towards car honks as if it was him
I forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to hallucinate guitar playing far away.

I also saw on street one of the girls that he used to go out with, or goes out with don’t know and she looked at me like with these eyes of “are you ok”? lol that was the girl I felt more “rivalry” with because she is few years younger and she tried to copycat some stuff from me in order to be liked by him… etc… so I reacted but for a few seconds in seeing her face

I forgive myself that I have ccepted and allowed myself to have a reaction inside while seeing g popping off in the street
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what she thought of me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel rivalry with gaby
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel jealous of g as being a’s affair
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder if a still is seeing her
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire not meeting up anyone anymore therefore hiding myself from everyone
I forgive myself that I have accetped and allowed myself to still care about his affairs and moves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deem this day as being a not self centered day, being in and as the mind for most of the time.. so

I have much work to do –  I stop here.


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