Tag Archives: pains

187. Personal Diversion Tactics to Procrastinate

Physical Dimension – Procrastination Character – Pains and discomfort at a physical level and participation in imagination/ positive thinking.

 

While I was working in the document, I could spot all of the following thoughts, distractions, desires and wants that would pop out of seemingly ‘nowhere’ according to the energetic imprint that I created toward that something in my reality – or even people for that matter which might seem odd but, I see clearly how the mind can literally grab on to anything in order to create a point of distraction to continue getting an energetic fix. This is because the act in itself of writing this document is not motivated by energy, and it is only a physical action while being correcting at the same time the resistances that I had created to actually get it done. So, while working on this, being here as breath is the physical support – but I did spot several points coming up besides the physical pains, and these are just examples of the ones that I was able to identify while working on it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the ‘thought’ of a movie that I wanted to download and watch while I was writing, and having the image of this single still picture of the movie that I saw on the internet, and for a split second thought of ‘going to download and watch it’ lol, which is absolutely absurd lolol since I am not even that ‘kin’ on watching movies– okay let’s see what’s this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entice myself with the curiosity and the expectation of me wanting to watch that movie ‘someday’ according to my own thoughts upon reading the movie’s review in that moment when I became aware of it a few months ago, and believing thus that I must now ‘find out what it is all about’ in order to quench my curiosity, which is only related to the process of distracting me from getting my written document done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having always given ‘head’ to that which I would rather want to do such as watching a video, hearing a song, seeking news about a particular movie/ concert/ artist in order to entertain myself for a moment, wherein then it would  simply be already ‘time to do something else’ and in that, lose perspective of everything that I had committed myself to do right before this ‘distracting thought’ emerged.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have the thought of ‘oh just for one moment, one little distraction for these few minutes/ won’t take long’ wherein I usually do stop writing and go do that something else that came up in my mind, without realizing how it is that I have accepted and allowed myself to first get into the alternate dimension of thinking about that something ‘better to do,’ which is mostly linked to a positive experience, then direct myself to stop what I was doing and then go and do/ attend that something else in order to satisfy my curiosity and desire to do something else/ get away from the task, without realizing that in such seemingly ‘unimportant moment,’ I lost focus and sight on that which I was already doing such as writing, instead of remaining here as breath and simply Not following through with my desires.

 

When and as I see myself going into the thought of a movie, song, artist or anything else related to what I have deemed as ‘my entertainment’ in the moment that I am about to begin working with my written document / already working on it – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am allowing myself to be distracted by my own positive thinking in the form of things that ‘I enjoy reading/ watching/ listening’ as a stimulation to my senses to get a positive experience from it, instead of realizing that I am here to direct myself and work on this document, which certainly doesn’t require me to first have some ‘positive experience’ to then work on it, as I know how it always goes: ending up wasting time and then simply realizing that I have to do other stuff and ending up leaving this task for ‘some other time/ later’ which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to actually stop myself from going into the ‘feel good’ experience as a positive thinking type of action such as watching, hearing, reading something that I have defined as my positive experience and instead focus on that which I am here to do – focusing on breath to not participate in the enticing thoughts.

I commit myself to breathe.-out the initial excitement and expectation of me having for a moment decided to go into the positive experience as a way to realize that I would only fall for the fleeting momentary experience of excitement and enjoyment as an energetic experience and single distraction point that in no way support me to actually be focused and determined to get to my document.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suddenly have the thought of that person in my life that when I was writing about recreating ourselves as individuals and taking responsibility and went into the daydreaming fantasy point of this person finally understanding and aligning his life to what is best for all so that I could then go back into his life and within this, allowing myself to create a positive experience that became a diversion point from the moment of writing.

When and as I see myself deviating from the writing into a thought or experience based on a positive memory related to someone that I had created a positive energetic experience toward, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the image is based on desire and that I am the only one able to stop it – and furthermore, work with.

I commit myself to not brush aside these seemingly fleeting points/ moments such as having the thought of this or that person in my reality that I had created a particular either positive/ negative experience toward coming up in my mind, as this is clearly following a pattern of distraction and imaginary enticing experiences that I would usually follow through – and in this, support me to also work with ‘my desires’ in order to ensure that I am not binding myself to any person or point as an energetic relationship toward them/ it – but instead support me to be actually ready to face all aspects of my life that I have brushed off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience pain in my shoulder blades when I have begun reading the writing and figuring out my how to proceed and wanting to simply stop because of the pain and discomfort, without realizing that in this I am trying to make of the pain and discomfort the excuse, instead of realizing how I have created the problem as pain and discomfort myself for having given too much time to the mind and procrastination instead of assisting and supporting me to walk through the pain, breathing and committing myself to get things done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a burden on my upper back when realizing that there’s this ‘thing’ that I must get done as soon as possible and instead of going into working on it, I experience pain and discomfort about it, without realizing how I am within this giving into the future projections, backchat and looping around the thinking and internal conversations about the amount of time it will take, which I have in fact already squandered only on thinking about it instead of doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my chest constricting and almost having a difficulty to breathe with ease due to getting into the thinking-process of time and the guilt for having squandered time and as such, neglecting the consequences that I am manifesting immediately in my body and as a consequence of me having participated in procrastination for an extended period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my body as jittery because of the suppressed anxiety in relation to procrastination, wherein the pain in the shoulders, the arms and the quivering sensation of the legs is an indication of me being reacting at a physical level in order to make me feel ‘bad’ and not work on actually getting things done, which is to the benefit of the mind continuing existing within its own functioning using the physical resources to charge itself as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to complain about the physical experience of dull pains and poignant pains experienced in my arms and shoulders as a burden in my physical, without realizing how I am the only one responsible for doing this to me, due to the amount of thinking and looping around one single point that I simply did not do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘stop doing this’ as a way to stop torturing myself, without realizing that this is precisely not the way to follow through, as I realize that the more that I procrastinate and stop doing the task or directing myself to do so, I am not giving myself a resolution and direction as self correction toward the physical experience, but instead accumulating yet another layer of procrastination wherein my physical body is the one that is experiencing it the most – and I am only doing it to myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing a general ‘not feeling well’ experience within my physical body and wanting to opt-out from it and doing it some other day/ later, I stop and I breathe – I recognize that this is a defense mechanism pattern that I have participated in in order to not get things done and simply feel bad, go to sleep/ rest and then move on to do something else, which is plain energetic self manipulation.

I commit myself to face the physical discomfort as part of the consequences of me having created an energetic experience toward this particular task and within this, assist and support myself to breathe through the pain, write out self forgiveness in the moment, speak it out loud and within this I assist and support myself to walk through the resistances as they come up, as I am realizing that I cannot continue ‘fooling’ myself in brushing off the reactions and limitations as experiences that I had previously victimized myself about when it came to pains and within this, it is me taking responsibility for myself, my body and my physical experience as I walk through my time loop.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever consider that being here and only breathing would be being too ‘lax’ toward myself, wherein I became used to talking myself into anxiety as a ‘rushing point’ to ‘get things done’ which is how when and as I am simply breathing, there’s this anxiety looming and wanting to come up even without particularly thinking about it, but it’s simply linked to the physical point of being working on something that I realize is a task and that ‘must be done’ no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a light headedness/ cloudiness on my head as I write and suddenly, a sharp pain on my chest emerges wherein I realize that I am fearing not having the ability to get this done/ not having what is required to do so, without realizing that the pains and the discomfort stem from the very thoughts that I accept and allow myself to participate in the moment that I don’t follow through/ continue with a physical application of doing things in my day to day living, but create a point of resistance toward this, without realizing that I have simply been missing deliberately focusing on breath while working on the task/ point to walk through.

When and as I see myself going into the cloudy-head experience linked to a sharp pain in my chest, I stop and I breathe –I stop participation in the least thought about me doing and directing myself within this task, as I have seen and realized the thoughts for what they are: simple distractions existent to only support my own mind possession at a physical level, to within this while being in such experience, make excuses to stop doing what I was doing and go into something else, which is precisely the point wherein I have to stop the pattern.

I realize that I have to actually support myself with reading other documents in order to also get further ideas on how to give it direction, as me wanting to do it ‘all alone’ and having no point of support is rather egotistical as well as in ‘wanting to do it all by myself’ and not using other people’s writings as references.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body to such an extent that I was absolutely unaware of the physical strain and discomfort caused by the procrastination point due to the amount of time I spent thinking ‘walking in circles/ beating around the bush’ about it, wherein I realize my responsibility within realizing how I tend to want to simply ‘cover it up’ with a belief of me not ‘caring’ about it, however once that the physical experience is quite heavy, it is impossible to not care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my own physical body strain and experience wherein I have become a victim of my own thoughts and experiences that have been now felt at a physical level, wherein I then use this pain as an excuse to stop doing the actual work – being this a loop that must be stopped no matter how painful it is at a physical level – I’ve done this to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually be so used to things being so easy to me that I have actually simply followed a belief pattern of this ‘written work’ being something ‘difficult’ based on the stories I’ve heard from many other beings that would always make it seem as something ‘too difficult’ to do, which is not really so and within this,

When and as I see myself manipulating myself to believe that this document is actually too difficult to do and that I must even experience some ‘heaviness’ toward it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have brainwashed myself according to the stories I’ve heard from other people, not realizing how we as human beings tend to make it all seem either extra positive or extra negative in our minds in order to perpetuate an experience toward ourselves, our reality and tasks to do, instead of simply working on it, getting it done and moving on.

I realize and accept my capacity and determination to do something that should not be categorized any different to any other writing I am able to write and express as myself, breath by breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate getting to the procrastination character in itself, causing physical consequences of this as a permanent binding force to the past as this ‘something’ that ‘I have to do’ but allowed myself to simply brush it aside and continue perpetuating it with no further actual physical direction to it.

When and as I see myself wanting to brush aside an actual physical experience toward a point that I ‘know’ must be done and worked with, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the key of the moment to self-correct is here as the ‘brushing aside’ point, which is an indication from my mind of that which I am existing as a reaction to/ toward within an energetic experience, which is a plain notice for me to actually work on it in order to take responsibility for this point of separation in the moment.

When and as I see myself having a sharp experience of anxiety – I stop and I take a really deep breath – moving my arms up and down if necessary in order to bring myself back here as I realize that such energetic experience must be ‘sorted out’ through breathing consistently and persistently as an awareness of me here in the moment.

I commit myself to not procrastinate getting to write about the seemingly ‘unimportant experiences’ that I would tend to brush aside, and within this realize that the more immediate my application is in the moment, I am able to re-establish myself as a physical level with more ease.

This is thus a practical consideration within the procrastination character in relation to process, and how I see that the more time I allow to go by, the more I simply create an energetic experience that I compound every time that I simply ‘think’ about it, but not get directly to physically do it. Thus, I commit myself to give myself direction to get things done and work on my self application as this is the gift that I can give to myself, the stability and certainty of re-gaining my self-direction at a physical level and toward anything and all I direct myself to do.

 

I commit myself to stop my self-entertainment and also within this stop judging the usually-labeled ‘entertainment’ as media and anything else that we would usually spot as diversion points, without realizing how I have created my own personalized entertainment as the mind and within this, become my own broadcasting company of positive experiences that I would usually fall for –thus it is here to realize how in fact every single entertainment outside of ourselves is only reflecting the same relationships we have created toward others / things in our reality with energetic experiences. Thus it is to once again realize that we are the ones that have created the entertainment industry as our image and likeness.

 

To be continued with consequences and redefinitions.

 

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62. ‘I just want to Do Nothing’

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not voice, not think, but simply remain idle and ‘not do anything’ because of being in ‘that time of the month’ wherein I access a rather spiteful mode toward ‘having to go through this’ and believing that I have the ‘right’ to ‘not do anything because I don’t feel well’ which is unacceptable considering that my body doesn’t take vacations to stop digesting the food that I eat or stop the intake of oxygen just because it gets ‘fed up’ of doing so for a while, which means that I have not yet learned what it is to stand equal and one as my physical body, regardless of any ‘feeling’ or experience that is only created at a mind level within me Upon an actual physical process that I already know  simply have to breathe through-it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access my desire to create some form of friction within me toward others, and because I have no one to ‘fight against’ I simply give up on myself and rather go to sleep and ‘forget about it all’ which is like throwing a tantrum as the ‘menstruation personality’ as a child that wants to be spoiled and have benefits because ‘oh I am in my periods, I am sensitive, I am in pain, I don’t want to do anything’  which is unacceptable considering the billions of women that go through the same process I go through every single month and having to work or else, they die.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obfuscated by this seemingly ‘uncomfortable’ experience which means that I give it too much attention as the mind, and that I am not effectively breathing, here, wherein I make sure that any bit or trace of the menstruation-personality is stopped, as I see, realize and have proven to myself that I am able to work and function as usual when being in my period, which means that this time I am using it as an excuse to hide something else that I have been storing and only use this point as a valve of escape to ventilate my own unsorted points of self-direction and justifying them with ‘being in my period.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience grievance when having my periods wherein I feel that ‘I have the right to not do anything if I don’t want to’ because this is something that ‘happens to me’ without me wanting it to happen, which had been a physical process that I have deemed as a curse and a used as a justification to not breathe, not move and rather remain just idle within my self-infatuation as to ‘why’ I have the right to ‘not do anything’ linked to being in my periods.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful toward myself and everything because ‘I just don’t feel like doing anything today’ which clearly indicates I am giving permission to my mind to direct myself, manifesting such thoughts a deliberate shunning away of everything that I had planned to do and become rather stagnant and giving too much attention to pain,  just watching the ceiling like the old times which is pointing out: red flag, red flag, you’re accessing that ‘zone’ again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so ‘out of control’ of myself whenever I have my periods in ‘this way’ wherein it is obvious that it exacerbates any point that I’ve accumulated as that sense of ‘fogbound’ and procrastination when seeing ‘oh it is too much that I have to do,’ which I then use as an obviously fuckedup excuse to not do it at all and instead, justify my inaction with and because of physical discomfort based on ‘how I feel,’ wherein the moment there is a ‘how I feel’ justification I realize I must investigate what is behind it, instead of just blaming menstruation and hormones for it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience contempt toward hormones themselves and chemicals and my own thoughts doing ‘this to me’ which is obviously irresponsible because I realize and have proven to myself before that I can remain stable during ‘these days’ and that any other experience that emerges, has to do with how I am directing myself in my day to day living and it’s got nothing to do with ‘menstruation’ itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I have the right to have a day or two off because I don’t feel like doing anything’ while I realize that if I allow this deliberate spitefulness toward life, why should life support me unconditionally 24/7 without Ever complaining or wanting to ‘take a day or two off’- such as the body deciding to stop working, which would obviously mean I would die.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own self-irritation toward ‘my period’ and only become more ‘fed up’ with all without realizing it is only me as my mind creating this experience wherein the moment I give in to ‘go to sleep’ I am in fact saying ‘my mind wins, she wants to rest, let her be.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to just lay on the ground facing the ceiling and do nothing, just breathing, without realizing that this is just another form of laziness based on procrastination and the accumulation of having lots to do and instead of moving, I decide ‘oh I need some time because, you know, I don’t ‘feel’ that well today’ – which is using my period and the days before that as an excuse to not move, which is not acceptable because the obvious example that comes is all women that must work over 12 hours a day, with only a few minutes to rest in between, working as a slave in a factory and I wonder: what the fucking hell am I complaining about, really

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about ‘me not wanting to do anything’ wherein there is people that if they don’t move, they don’t eat that day, and that if they ever would want a ‘day to rest’ it would mean the end of their life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to time frames and believe that it will be an eternity to get something/ somewhere without realizing that, I won’t be going anywhere or going ‘somewhere else’ but here as myself, which implies that no matter what ideas may come up in my head in relation to the future, I am here, I have to walk my day by day and moment by moment here with absolute certainty of myself as my physical body – everything else is just mind distraction.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use experience and physical discomfort/ pain as an excuse to not move.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that complaining is just whining, is just arguing for my limitations instead of actually moving and doing and remaining stable within self-movement, not allowing a physical process to tamper my hereness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use menstruation as an excuse to make males feel ‘bad’ in the past because through us women being the only ones experiencing ‘this’ I could then justify my mood, my anger, my irritation projected onto them, because they would not know ‘what it feels like to be a woman while menstruating’ and the pains the body goes through, which is then used as an excuse to have people spoil me, do whatever I want as a way for ‘them’ to compensate for ‘me being a woman’ (which is ridiculous thinking, but it did happen that way) – and if this doesn’t happen because I am alone, I spoil myself through not doing anything and just shutting everything off and sleeping, justifying it as my ‘way to spoil myself’ because ‘I deserve it, I am in pain, I am a woman’ which is plain-sight self-victimization as an excuse to not move.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful toward all beings that are here as myself in every moment that I ‘give up’ the self-direction and justify it with knowledge and information as a way to validate why I don’t ‘feel’ like doing something today, wherein in the past, I’d seek the comfort of someone spoiling me to ‘feel better about myself’ and because there is no one to do that, I ‘give it to myself’ yet without any actual realization of what impact this has overall as a single acceptance and allowance in my world, as a point of giving up self-direction to self-manipulation, justification and spitefulness toward myself, my own process, and life itself with my stagnant and idle behavior, which is truly unacceptable.

 

I have realized idleness is a great experience temptation in my world, it’s been an actual pattern that I have even taken for granted, wherein I can just remain still doing nothing for quite some time as form of ‘zoning out’ and not thinking as a way to not ‘face myself,’ but also creating this belief that it will take ‘extra effort’ for me to move, which is just another justification and idea in my mind – I see and realize that it only takes self-direction and the actual physical self-impulse to do so, without energy, but self-movement in itself, which won’t be based by this energetic surge as I was used to move myself before, but it is now really self-movement in the most  raw possible way: I move – or  I don’t move and nothing and no one else determines that but myself.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be fully self-directive in all moments, because I am allowing a justification of a physical process to be a way to shut myself down from everything for a while and not really wanting to participate, move or interact because of just wanting to remain idle and sleep away the experience both physically and mentally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be accessing this energetic experience of annoyance toward myself as the physical experience, wherein it is the same surge of desire to just punch something to exert out anger for anything to anyone as an outlet to what I have accepted and allowed to compound within myself, as this bits of lack of self movement, dissatisfaction with myself as energetic ‘lack’ to move, and use anger or irritation as a way to ‘get myself back on track’ because they imply negative energetic experiences that I had become also used to experiencing as a way to ‘feel alive.’

 

I realize that the only reason why I had neglected being an angry person was because of judging anger as ‘bad’ and I didn’t want to be a ‘bad person’ which  lead me to become angry – lol – at anyone that would point out that ‘I was angry or moody’, wherein ‘moody’ meant that they were aware I was in my period and me just being über pissed off for them being aware of my mood being because of having my periods and in that, fuel my own experience due to not wanting people to notice that I was being ‘a victim’ of my own hormones.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-directive in every moment of breath Even More So when I ‘know’ beforehand that whenever I am in my periods, I become a victim of hormones – therefore,

 

When and as I see myself being a victim of my own ‘hormones’ and blaming something ‘in separation of myself’ for my own experience,  justifying that with ‘oh but I’m in my periods, I’m allowed to be pissed off and not wanting to do anything, because it’s this ‘obnoxious thing’ happening to me, I am not responsible for that’ – which are plain justifications to not act, not move and be self directive. I realize that in me saying ‘oh well, let’s just let it be for a day’ I am in fact spiting myself and that everything just falls apart with one single allowance of me saying ‘oh but …’ and justification streaming along, which is the moment that I must breathe and stop and I realize it does take physical visible and tangible self movement to MOVE – otherwise: nothing will change and nothing will move.

 

I realize that the only way to dissipate this energy is through breathing, because becoming stagnant and or extremely angry are but polarities of the same point which is energy only, accumulated and wanting to be exerted either through the positive way or negative way, both equally harmful and unnecessary if I realize the extent of harm that my body goes through with every single experience and reaction that I generate through thinking instead of just doing it.

 

I realize that I simply require to become more directive within myself and my physical body experiences, supporting it with ‘extra-attention’ toward breathing itself, and not giving extra-attention to the physical experience while going through periods as I realize that there is nothing and no one to blame for that, there is no way to make it stop from happening every single month and that the only way I can support myself is through ensuring I don’t participate in the ‘mood swings’ and giving all my attention to the physical discomfort, but simply continue breathing and walking, no matter what my mind says as ‘Oh but that’s not enough!’ and trying to throw a tantrum about there not being any physical solution to not have a way to stop the periods from coming month after month.

It is the same way as I had complained in the past about having to eat, there is nothing I can do about it: I eat, I stop the experiences toward having to eat, having to shit, having to live on a day to day basis within a routine that I know that If I don’t follow through I die –thus, I stop creating any experience toward bodily functions that I realize I can simply breathe through, move and stabilize myself if any thought wants to add some ‘spice’ to these physical processes.

 

Wasting Time is not a cool point at all considering it is a mind-decision spiting the physical that is always unconditionally taking air in, breathing, transporting blood throughout our veins – and what do we do? we create tantrums to not move, unacceptable. 

I stand up for life which means, I learn from my own physical body’s unconditional Self-Movement which I must equalize myself as with no excuse or justification to not do so.

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