Tag Archives: paranoia

642. Pessimism and Embracing The Blank Page

 

As I briefly mentioned in my previous blog, pessimism has been one of the very ‘ingrained’ patterns in me that I’ve become more aware of lately since finding out I was pregnant. I have to say that I didn’t see myself as a ‘pessimist’ per se, but I was able to identify this way of being in me based on the feedback that I got from my partner as a way to describe my focus on ‘the worst’ of the early pregnancy experience and the fears and limitations that I would bring up in terms of how things ‘would be’ for the future and so forth.

This all seemed ‘normal’ to me and that’s where this point begins, because! I’ve seen firsthand how the same event can be approached from a very different perspective, one that sees the inconvenience of certain symptoms as part of creating something that will be a life-change in our lives. One that can see the ‘adding’ of responsibility as a catalyst for change and personal growth, one that can bring fun times even with the stuff I could define as ‘a hassle’ or ‘troublesome’ – yep, this rather constructive perspective is how my partner approached the whole thing and I’ve been certainly learning more from him and learning to see living potential in it all, instead of only focusing on all that I could define as ‘the bad’ which, again, is not the best of me that I want to cultivate, it is the worst of me that interestingly enough has resurfaced again, because! Yes, this is a ‘life changer’ situation and one that I ‘feared’ a lot apparently, so I faced the consequence of cultivating all of those fears for many, many years. But I’m also learning to let go of them as I go facing this pessimism in different ways and in some of the most ‘sneaky’ forms.

This ‘pessimist’ core programming certainly started in childhood and yes, due to other circumstances unrelated to my pregnancy, we’ve been opening this up with my parents considering that these same fearful patterns have been spilling out into the children of the family and causing some consequences. So, confronting the situation is serving as a preparation ground for both of us to get to understand how I got to be quite limited by all kinds of fears that were imprinted from a very young age by my parents and within that, us all getting to see how that is affecting the newest members of the family, consequently to understand how these patterns came to exist in us and how they are still having ‘a hold’ on us.

Here I perhaps point out something that is by now a ‘well learned lesson’ when it comes to parents and getting to understand and forgive the ways in which they brought us up, because they most likely also didn’t know ‘any better’ and they did what they could in what they perceived as a way to care and love their children.  In this, there are no ‘hurt feelings’ for how I was raised, I instead enjoy understanding the familial patterns to see where and how I came to be ‘who I am’ and within that understanding, take a more active role in being responsible to change those very things that I’ve seen have limited me – and are Still showing up as limiting in my experience currently when facing the point of becoming a mother, becoming parents.  

I have come to make sense of how this ‘pessimism’ is therefore rooted in all kinds of fears that led me to ‘automatically’ think of the worst case scenarios, ‘all the worst that could happen,’ and it’s been quite astounding to see to what extent I do this on an automatic and “natural” way – meaning, I wouldn’t necessarily see it as something I had to flag-point and become aware of, because I deemed it as ‘care’ or ‘creating a sense of security’ – which by cross-referencing it with my partner, are more like my own conditioning – meaning, my past being ‘brought forward’ to the present and even ‘into the future’ … and that’s exactly what we don’t have to do, but instead approaching every moment, every day as a blank page where we decide how to live and how to face situations or ‘challenges,’ and to no longer kind of predispose myself to ‘facing all the worst’ because, I’ve seen how prominent that exists as a ‘normal thinking’ in my mind, and it doesn’t have to be that way, I have to actually stop seeing it as ‘normal thinking’ when seeing that I’m actually considering ‘all the things that could go wrong.’

It all really starts at that level of accepting and allowing those seemingly ‘small thoughts’ to creep up, feed them – which means go into them, thinking about them – to spiral them out into personality patterns like ‘the fearful mother’ and! Well, I would not want to become that, but I also see that I may face these fears in reality in order to become aware of what exists within me, so that I can become aware of them and change them. How else would I become aware of them otherwise?

I really even once thought that it was a cultural thing to constantly be gasping and fearing for a child’s health and wellbeing… well, nope! It’s more like a family thing that I truly need to become aware of Within myself, instead of kind of only going criticizing it and judging it on ‘the outside’ which in all cases, indicates that there are points I am not yet understanding and so, not forgiving that exist within me as well. This means that as long as I am reacting to it, then, there is less of a possibility for me to actually acknowledge, understand and embrace it in order to see where and how that exists within me, so that I can direct myself in a more flexible, understanding and unconditional way, one that considers the moment, and the present as that blank page and stop ‘re-loading’ all of my memories and fears and past conditioning as a child in my own family.

I noticed this pattern even more so recently where I was looking at a future situation of how people in my environment and their character could ‘affect’ the child and within this looking at it already from a starting point of fear: fear of the child going through the ‘imprinting’ of fears and anxiety that I went through as a child based on interacting with these individuals. And I allowed that to go as far as seeing how we would have to possibly disengage from being around these people to attempt to ‘protect’ our child from that kind of ‘character flaws.’ So here again, realizing I’m still holding a judgment and a reaction, which certainly I allowed myself to be affected by, which in turn I feared could ‘happen to our child’ and then going into ‘wanting to protect the child.’

I realize that as long as I am judging, criticizing, fearing certain attitudes and types of ‘character,’ then I am not yet coming to see ‘who am I’ towards those characteristics and emotions in others so that I can work on stopping my own reactions, realizing that others’ reaction do still create an effect on me – and therefore the child inside – and that it is precisely there where I need to act and apply myself to simply stop reacting and understanding why I get to react to them, so that I can decide in self-awareness to change how I respond in those moments.

It’s very easy to deviate from the point of self-responsibility when attempting to blame others for their character flaws, their patterns, their reactions and thinking that ‘they have to change’ or ‘we just have to avoid them altogether’ instead of realizing how it is only myself that can change how I face those situations and that that will in a huge way determine and be an example of how our child can face, confront and walk through similar situations with people. So it’s not about wanting to ‘prevent’ problems –  because we create ‘the problem’ when reacting to others in the first place – but it’s about being an example of how to best face the situation with stability, understanding and focusing on solutions, not giving space to ‘react back’ to anyone, but to stick to what is practical and reasonable to do. Now this is where the real self-change is at.

This time around again it took a good conversation while walking with my partner to explain to him what I was seeing with this whole thing that I just explained above and get back to Earth about it. I saw how I wasn’t really going to get anywhere with the ‘getting away from’ or ‘avoidance’ plan, I was mostly also ‘trapping’ people in their ‘usual selves’ and assuming how they would behave and be in a hypothetical future situation, which is one of the ways in which we keep ourselves ‘trapped’ and limited in the same personalities, the same judgments of how we believe ‘we are and will be’ and don’t give each other that space and opportunity to outgrow our old selves. 

I also was approaching the situation from already assuming and determining how our child would interpret certain attitudes, voice tonalities, expressions as if he or she was going to already judge it as something bad, negative, etc. when in fact, there is no reaction that is pre-recorded there. It is mostly all learned from the environment and that’s where our role comes in. The example comes from ourselves as parents to stop reacting to others’ expressions in a positive or negative way, but instead keep an equanimity and discernment about things which will in turn demonstrate to the child that one doesn’t ‘have to’ go into fear, worry, anxiety or anything like that if someone else is demonstrating such traits in themselves. This is where the change of character happens, with ourselves as the examples – the rest is then learned from observation and imitation.

Within all of this, I also kept on  ‘scheming’ how to ‘go about’ with certain people or situations in life, where I would most likely end up trying to seclude our child from anything that I would be judging as bad, wrong, negative, destructive. Of course, here I am not talking about some kind of ‘extreme’ unsafe or detrimental environment, I am simply looking at character flaws, which yes, we all do have as well so in doing that, I was ignoring my starting point – which was fear – and not taking these judgments, expectations and future projections back to self, to see what we are now more equipped and have tools to go about facing the reality of the world and the people in it ‘as is,’ without wanting to sugar coat it for our child to ‘be safe from any bad influence’ – but, who determines what the bad, negative, wrong stuff is? I do, through reacting to it.

So, it’s a great point for me to look at and stop reacting in FEAR of ‘what it will do’ to a new being. I also discussed that with my partner and I came to see that ‘the other way around’ is the way to go, to expose the child to various kinds and types of people so that there can be a discernment formed over time about people and getting used to getting along and getting to understand – eventually – why some people are a certain way and make their own decision in how they go about with them.

All of these points have opened up as well in seeing how my family and I are used to handling kids. I may say I am working on ‘debugging’ myself from these thoughts, but in general there’s that sense of having to ‘be careful’ all the time, and having to ‘protect them from anything that could harm them,’ and trying to ‘prevent them from getting sick’ all the time and all sorts of paranoia that I notice has started to ‘kick in’ as the ‘mother/parent’ construct and I definitely can work on stopping it on its tracks at this stage.

Once that I ‘spelled out’ the point – which means talking about it – things changed – but! New points opened up like the ones I have explained here in relation to future projecting how ‘things could be’ – for the worst – and forgetting about rather focusing on ‘what’s here’ and supporting myself to be the best that I can in my day to day, rather than being up in my head fearing and scheming ‘the worst case scenarios,’ wherein I’m not seeing how THAT is actually causing fear and stress within me, which is far more directly affecting the being inside me than any other ‘person’ out there.

Now that’s more of an eye opening perspective that I need to have a clear awareness on, that’s my real responsibility Right Now. Whatever else happens and opens up in the future, as my partner said, then we will deal with it ‘then’ and look at solutions, but no need to start kind of taking the artillery out already and start seeing threats and problems everywhere where there are none for now. So I decide to trust myself in being able to face whatever may come our way with a new perspective.

Something else that assisted me to look at it from a different perspective, is to remind myself how many times whatever I may perceive as something that I could define as a limiting change or something that I fear having to do – yes, stepping out of my comfort zone – are usually opportunities to grow, to challenge, to develop ourselves further and approaching it from this perspective then takes the ‘mind away’ from merely focusing on ‘the worst’ and spending time on scheming only ‘in the mind’ what I would do in such ‘worst’ that is not HERE at all. It is a waste of time and as much as it might be just ‘ok’ to consider certain potentials, I do have to make sure I am not creating a predisposition to ‘all the worst that could be’ and feed that in my mind as if that is a sign of ‘care’ or creating some kind of ‘security’ for our child, because in the end the starting point and origin is still just: Fear.

I had also been worrying about how to go about these let’s say ‘out of the ordinary’ ways – in comparison to how things are ‘usually done’ here – which we are planning to apply with our child, which may stand in direct contrast with, for example, how other people in our family do things and how they approach their own children, etc. So in this, I also realized that there was that same fear of being judged or going through what I ‘went through’ when I started doing some radical changes in my life over a decade ago and I basically had to step-away from my family for some time, because I just could not really ‘get along’ with them.

What I didn’t consider back then is how I was reacting and judging them all the way, that’s what caused me to find it – apparently – ‘impossible’ to be around them, and this also came from a secret desire for them to do things ‘my way’ or ‘do the same process I was walking’ and in general just causing more and more conflict until yes, it was for the best that I simply stopped seeing them as often until I sorted out my own conflict projected towards them and learned how to Understand them and so be able to be around, know our ‘boundaries’ so to speak and still be willing to share and open myself up whenever asked or needed.

So upon realizing this, I have seen how this is one of those situations where I am projecting already ‘My own experience’ onto our child and this is quite the red alert as well, because this would be caused by nothing more and nothing else than my own prejudices, judgments, ‘loaded memories’ that would in turn surely would be super limiting and causing a new being to be conditioned by ‘MY’ experience around certain people. This means: the work that needs to be done is entirely WITHIN MYSELF, instead of starting to project onto others how I believe ‘things will be’ for our child based on my own past, which I now have to prove I can truly let go of – and embrace the blank page that’s growing within : )

Within this, then it was also supportive to have another one of those lengthy talks with my partner about ‘who I was’ in my family and how I came to single-myself-out from it and how I remained in judgment towards them as if that was ‘the only way to be.’ But, I realize that if I apply my own mindset towards the child, the actual consequence would be caused by myself, not by ‘others’ and that I would then be recreating the same problems and patterns I lived through for most of my life.

So, within all of this, everything of course points out to myself, to learn to be more unconditioned, to learn to see every new day as it unfolds as a blank page that we are freshly writing on and that each blank page does represent that opportunity to re-wire myself, to change the old programming of fears, worries, what ifs, pessimist attitudes and bleak future projections and instead, welcome the potential of the new phase that’s opening up. This means stopping feeding any idea of wanting to ‘save’ or ‘secure’ the child from certain things because, yep! That can lead to paranoia of not wanting the child to see the light of day so to speak, which is of course parental abuse as well. This is an exaggeration of course, but I’m playing it out this way so that I get to remind myself ‘what I’m doing’ every time that I go into my mind and start scheming things from a starting point of wanting to ‘prevent’ certain things and realizing it comes from a point of fear that I have to simply let go of.

How can this be practically done? By being able to self-forgive it out loud in the moment as it happens so that I can then lead myself back to realizing how this is not about ‘the child’ or ‘others’ but myself bringing up all of these ‘loose cannons’ as fears that I had not become aware of yet, because yes, this is certainly a new phase in my life and within that, there comes a whole new and uncharted territory that I can simply work with and face as I go with this kind of approach towards these seemingly ‘simple moments’ where I go into my mind and start fearing or future projecting some ‘worst case scenarios.’ That’s entirely possible and in my hands to do, and whenever I may ‘still’ see some of these fears as ‘very real,’ then that’s when I can talk them out, communicate them and cross-reference them with my partner and any other person that I trust their judgment on and create solutions – or simply get to understand a situation to then decide how to best act and approach it.

It may sound as if this point is quite ‘big’ within me, and it probably isn’t, lol. But I do like to in a way create awareness on it as if it was already a ‘big deal’ because it ‘could’ escalate if I don’t see it through this magnifying glass and understand what I am accepting and allowing whenever going into fears, judgments, prejudices, future projecting the worst and so on. Otherwise, I would go ‘brushing it off’ and I have seen the kind of ‘accumulation effect’ that we can create in our minds, where we then end up getting into a point or experience where things seem too big, too heavy, too difficult to change, because we allowed all those small moments of ‘feeding the patterns’ to go unnoticed – and therefore not taking responsibility for them – and that’s where I then go compromising my own standing and self-awareness.

So, all in all it has been cool to open up these points and even get to discuss them with my parents to understand ‘where’ they got those fears from, how they affected their lives with them and yes also get to understand that, to them, some may be quite difficult to change, but that’s where I also then have to see the opportunity that I currently have in my hands to ‘change the tide’ when it comes to those family patterns that have been already passed on to the younger kids in the family. It’s not like ‘they are screwed’ now, because there’s always the opportunity to take self-responsibility and later on as they grow, they also can decide to change – or not.

My point remains in reminding myself that the child to come is a blank page as well and that I have to be of utmost care to not approach that opportunity to raise another being with fears of ‘what runs in the family’ or ‘what has happened in the past’ or ‘what I went through as a child,’ because THEN I would most likely be conditioning all of that and imprinting that through my every move, voice tonality and interaction with the child.  I often criticize – judge – parents that see their children as ‘the problem,’ and still gets on my nerves to see how it seems impossible to look ‘back at themselves’ – as parents – to see that their child came into this world as a blank page – sure some genetics and so on – but most of who they turn out to be is determined by the environment – a.k.a. the parents, mostly.

I consider I am at a timely stage where I can create a big point of awareness within me of stopping projecting my own fears and what I defined as ‘bad/negative experiences’ onto a new being, and rather focusing on understanding my experience – which to me comes through nicely when communicating about it with my partner which always leads me to a resolution, a point of realizing where and how I need to be the change, while also knowing yep! Can’t create a ‘perfectly clear ground’ for another being and mostly being ok with the fact that I’ll face things as we go and that it is OK as well to make mistakes, learn through consequences, etc. Otherwise I’d go into control-freakism aaaand nope! We don’t need that either.

So that’s it, hope that this may be supportive for any of you, not only parents or parents to be, but anyone facing some of ‘the worst’ that exists in our minds in a seemingly ‘normal’ way. I would not have been able to bring myself through clarity without all the Desteni tools of self support and the invaluable self-supportive material available at Eqafe.com, specifically the Parenting series and everything else that you may find there as a way to understand our minds and so understand the ways that we can change that which we see no longer supports a new way of being and living, for the best, that is, embracing the blank page every day.

Thanks for reading!

 

Pessimism

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

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629. What I’ve learned about Self-Punishment

 

The previous blog I wrote about Self-Devaluation and The Body contained one aspect that I’d like to focus on in this blog, because I merely mentioned them summarily as self-aggression and how I called it self-flagellation. This is about in fact the concept of self-punishment and what one can ‘gain’ from it – yes, as ‘weird’ as it may sound initially.

Part of the Unlocking yourself process that I described in my previous blog is to open up to consider other people’s views, perspectives and ways of approaching a situation, which can be very enlightening and it’s been the case when taking on this subject to our group chats at Destonians.com. Last Wednesday, we discussed “What do we stand to gain from self punishment?” and it was eye opening to get to know the many ways that people can understand and see this point of self-punishment and how it is lived, why it is lived and the constructs or beliefs behind it that lead us to do such a thing to ourselves. 

I bring through something that Leila shared which was “it’s like we rule through punishment/sin instead of compassion/forgiveness” and that’s part of the points for me to take on and integrate as a realization, because upon judging myself, the idea is that I have to feel bad, feel tense, feel anxious, feel ‘within an upheaval’ about it, IS already a form of punishment as well. We’ve allowed ourselves to be wired in a way where we fixated more on the problems rather than focusing on the solutions. Self Forgiveness is the way to Understand the situation that we participated in, take responsibility in it and lay out the foundation to change, to live the correction and solutions.

But! Even if I thought I was doing this, the reality of my situation has proven me that one aspect of morality kept me blind from realizing that I wasn’t in fact self-forgiving and letting go for real, and that prevented me from Living forgiveness, which is living the ways in which I see is best for me in my current experience and life decisions – not hooking on fears of the past of what I did or didn’t do.  Therefore compassion I can redefine as being understanding of the situation, not being hard on myself, being able to also stand in the shoes of whoever is involved and not feel ‘bad’ about it because feeling ‘bad’ doesn’t sort anything out either, while also realizing that I can only focus on changing me and being the best that I can for me and those currently around me.

She also expressed there: “and punishment can be taken quite ‘broad’ — any type of tension or discomfort you create, why  do we punish ourselves with anxiety, what do you stand to gain from it? what do you fear more than anxiety that you wouldn’t give up your anxiety? do we fear freedom?”  And that is in fact THE point that I had to realize which is eye opening and a point of self-honesty: it isn’t nice or beautiful because it does create an awareness of ‘WTF why have I done this to myself? And the reality is that ultimately, in my case the whole reason why I reacted in this form of self-punishment is because of a belief that feeling bad and sorry would make ME seem like a ‘better person,’ someone that ‘cares’ because of how I have defined ‘care’ as ‘worry’ – when it should definitely Not be that of course – and as if I could ‘clear my sins’ through punishment; I could see the traces of religious constructs there as I explained in the chat too.

But beyond that, the ultimate point is exactly about our freedom, our actual ability to be self-directive, to take one’s authority to create, to have a blank slate of creation, instead of focusing on ‘the past’ and ‘what is there to Fix-Ate on’ or ‘feel bad about.’

This is ultimately one the big habits I’ve seen within me and that I have observed in others related to me genetically. It is as if ‘something had to be happening all the time’, something that is wrong, or something to ‘feel bad about’ and if one realizes that one is creating that, then it’s as if everything can suddenly be stopped.  The canvas of self-creation is unveiled and emerges for us to walk on. And because we actually don’t decide to act to live words, to focus on self-creation, we– by habit, by patterns and by ingrained acceptance and allowance –  bit by bit, step by step, allowance by allowance, just ‘roll back’ to the commonly ‘accepted forms’ of existing, which are mostly related to being in perpetual forms of emotional or feeling experiences, fear for the most part being ‘the mother of all other reactions’ like anxiety, sadness, depression, anger, guilt, shame, remorse… you name it. It is an energetic experience that as BAD as it can get within our bodies and the effects it creates within it, we keep blindly participating in it, creating any other form of story to give ourselves an excuse to almost ‘keep ourselves busy with’ trying to kind of remake a puzzle that is already framed and hanging on the wall, it is that useless to keep living in fear related to past issues – but not limited to the past for sure.

The story that I told myself to justify living in such self-punishment is ‘having to pay for something I did’ and so, having to suffer in a way to ‘demonstrate’ that I cared or that I wasn’t too ‘cold blooded’ about things. Lol when in fact I could have lived it in a more sensible manner by genuinely introspecting and forgiving myself for it and embracing my ‘mistakes’ and move on with my life.  I created what I am experiencing at a physical level, and embracing that realization is a rather ‘uncomfortable truth’ that I had to process for a couple of days until I realized that reacting in sadness about it or anger towards myself is yet another way to keep ‘burying me alive’ so to speak, because any other distress or fear or judgment causes further oppression, tension and damage to my body, to OUR bodies.

The best way is to simply acknowledge it, almost like nodding to it and taking it in humbly to really realize that: I truly now have to let go, stop punishing myself, stop causing all of this dis-ease within me, this discomfort and ultimately this habit/addiction of worry and preoccupation to focus on my self-creation.  So far been applying this since I got ‘hands on’ for it these past couple of weeks and it’s been going good.

That question Leila posed ‘do we fear freedom?’ is a very, very relevant one because I’ve seen time and time again within me and others how it’s seemingly ‘easier’ to keep focusing on feeling bad, feeling emotional about things and believing one can’t ‘sort it out’ unless we are ‘given the green light’ by something or someone out there and because that won’t ever happen, it’s as if we just keep waiting for ourselves to truly let the ‘punishment’ go and lift up our own veils – which we have placed upon ourselves – and walk out in freedom.

There are some lyrics that I’ve been appreciating lately in Mexican music, and one song says “we are like prisoners and we think like prisoners’ and it talks about how we are ‘pulled by forces’ that seem to take us ‘wherever they go’ and have no self-direction. It is in fact the prisoner mentality that I was in, and it is through understanding how I came to create this, how I decided to ‘label’ my actions and how I decided to react to them – based on these constructs of morality and what seemed like reasonable to do ‘at the eyes of others’ – defined my experience in relation to this situation.

What happens once that one is done sorting through the repetitive ‘inner conflict’ about any point or experience – no matter how big or how subtle it may be – is that what is left is an open path to genuinely Live and be in all authority for self-creation.  The reality that I see is prevalent within us human beings is that, it’s ‘seems’ easier for us all to talk about the problems that are happening in the world, in how this or that politician is a corrupt or not or how things seem to be just ‘going nowhere’ but have no proposal to be participating in changing the tides that we’ve been ‘imprisoning’ ourselves into for far too long. It is a form of self-punishment as well because it recreates the problems, it just spreads the sense of despair as if nothing could be done about it. What I do then is to focus back on what needs to be looked at which is self-education, the values, the principles, the common sense as what’s best for all that is needed to be understood and lived and so, the need for parents to have these principles to educate their children too.

I would certainly want more people to become aware of this. I’ve been going to certain therapy and I can hear people around me constantly worrying about this or that pain. I have a genuinely good example in my life of what it is to be healthy in a very round sense of the word by NOT participating in any form of energy-trips related to any form of reaction, basically not participating in fear. My partner is that person and through my interactions with him my ‘habitual’ antsy patterns fueled by all kinds of seemingly ‘usual’ fears – no matter how ‘subtle’ or big they are – have been exposed to the nth degree. I can even say that my whole ‘self-punishment’ deal is a way for me to have that as a ‘constant point to be dealing with’ as an excuse to not deal with the very real and very present opportunities I have to break through those – yes – very ingrained habits (read addiction) that I had defined as ‘normal’. It has been through his constant feedback that I realized how much I can be in fact TENSE and fearing and worrying.

This is another aspect that pertains to my personality. I can be a very ‘intense’ person. This has its pros and cons. I can be a very intense person in a ‘good’ way so to speak wherein I can be very passionate and diligent and walk firm decisions in what I do and how I live it. But I can also be very Intense as in literally being IN-Tension about just anything that I may accept and allow myself to be worrying about or preoccupying myself with. This is precisely where the kind of person I am is basically also formed through the ‘learned ways’ I adopted from people around me. This has to do with being commonly worried, being rather dramatic about things, and it’s funny because I often would get annoyed and irritated by what I perceived as ‘dramatic people’ but, I’ve been seeing how I am precisely that. And this whole pattern of self punishment is a consequence of taking things TOO intensely. My partner helps me out to become aware of this by joking about it lol I then laugh and realize what I’m doing. But as I’ve said so before, I can’t go through life depending on him letting me know what I’m fixating on as a worry point.

I was talking with my cousin yesterday and we talked about driving cars. I have no intent to drive because I was involved in a car crash and even if I was not the driver, I took that as an excuse to create fear. I still again feel the fear as I write this and the same goes with bicycles and relating it back to an accident I had 10 years ago. These fears ‘gnaw’ me because I am over vigilant when being in a car or even when seeing people driving bikes on car lanes. I must admit that thoughts of the car crashes come up when I’m riding with someone in a car and even more so go into a rather intense reaction whenever we may come to any ‘close’ point to crashing. I get agitated and I Know I can change it and it IS a matter of perception and deciding to no longer exist in fear about something that happened some time ago already.

Something that I’ve been telling myself in those moments when being in a car – not driving – is one of the principles that my partner lives by. I tested it out the other day to see if it assisted me to deal with these fears while being in a car and that is ‘always expecting the best of everything and everyone.’ What comes to mind is…. Well that’s disingenuous, we KNOW people are not all good, we know there’s evil, we know shit can happen!! Etc. but even in that response, there I already ‘revamped’ all the sources of fear that can mainly exist in any given moment in one’s daily life, regardless of even defining certain activities as ‘dangerous’ or potentially harmful. The other day while driving in the back of a car and noticing the driver was speeding a bit, I noticed the fears coming up again and this time I breathed and reminded myself: expect the best of the situation. And that was supportive but I do honestly need to work more on grounding myself to reality in those moments and learning to not participate in the ‘what if’ fears.

I realize that I can’t also be externalizing these fears every single time I am driving with someone in a car, because that’s not really the point as I then implant the fear and idea in the other person that’s driving. This is about me practically letting go of ‘worst case scenarios’ which have become a way to ‘spike’ my mind into a reaction in any given situation. And yes this is not only when it comes to cars, but also when crossing streets and dealing with any form of traffic. Can I continue living that way? No.

Even in walking I am extra cautious, extra vigilant and perhaps there’s tension accumulating because the background to that hyper-vigilance is fear of cars as well.

So as I was saying, my cousin said with a big smile ‘well you just have to stop fearing driving a car and that’s it!’ like taking it very lightly. The back of my mind could have reacted like ‘oh it’s so easy to say it!’ because that would be a way to revamp all the reasons and justifications of ‘why I should remain in fear of cars and driving’ and that would mean being free to actually perhaps take the steps to be ‘free from fear.’ The simplicity with which she took the whole thing amazed me, the solution seemed simple and it really is! The ‘hook’ that keeps me ‘hooked on fear’ is made out of reasons, excuses and justifications of why I should remain in fear, and that’s in fact a point of self-limitation that I’m holding on to, no matter how ‘bad’ or ‘credible’ my inner-stories are: IF they are causing any form of tension, discomfort, fear or even anxiety as it’s been happening around that topic, Then I have to let go of it. It is as simple as that, and yes it may be challenging due to how I have also been ‘justifying’ these fears in terms of how there are some reckless people driving on the streets, or how ‘badly’ some people may drive, on how everyone speeds, on how many people die in car crashes and yes, I could spiral myself out of control and really bury myself with all kinds of fears around driving or being in a car… but that’s not the way to exist.

I even realized that one of my last videos on YouTube was about walking through that fear of driving and even if I was getting to enjoy the driving in the lessons, then the crash came and I crawled back into my shell of fearing driving or cars in general and I feel somewhat stuck in a rut about it, because I haven’t been able to transcend that fear. Huge limitation, yes. Do I have the willingness to sort it out? There are other factors around that. Perhaps if the car was available, I would, but it’s not, so for now I leave it at the point of focusing on precisely letting go of punishing myself with the ‘bad memories’ around cars and walk through it. I get somewhat jealous of people that have been involved in crashes were they have been injured, perhaps even badly, yet, they keep at it. What do ‘they’ have that I don’t have? The decision to live without fear.

Now, someone else commented in that group chat about living without any fear… and that’s something that sounds to me like a constant ‘battle’ against fear as if ‘fear itself’ was the problem. To me it’s not so. Fears can also be a real indication of aspects that we have to take into consideration, to have basic common sense in how we act or do certain actions, that’s basically precaution. For example the Mexicans that got killed on Friday by a gas pipeline explosion were possibly ‘fearless’ in stealing fuel because of how ‘habitual’ it had become to them to the point where possibly one of them decided to ‘lit up a ciggy’ in the meantime and forgetting about the hazardous task they were involved in. Point is: not about living ‘without fear’ but definitely learning HOW to live in the way that one can handle things the best possible way, handling the results or consequences if things go awry, learn from the mistakes and genuinely live the saying ‘life goes on!’ and move on.

These fears that I’ve mentioned here and in the past blogs have been crippling me to say the least, not only mentally but physically. The point is that they didn’t seem ‘that bad’ but have been quite present in a constant basis and that’s how the cup got filled drop by drop so to speak. Something that I want to change is precisely being the paranoid person that I see I have become. And yes I can see how this may come as learned habits even from both of my parents, and I’m witnessing how it has affected their physical body as well to live like that…. And I also have a living example  as my partner of what it is to live without this paranoid-type of fear, and to see that it is possible, and to see how a body can exist in a rather good stability when a person decides to live without fears and taking risks and finding that whatever outcome it may bring, it is part of what life is about.

Going through life with fear is yes, the most basic form of self-punishment I can identify, because we do it to ourselves. I early on in this blog wrote about all of us practicing cannibalism, all of us humans, because we consume our physical body every single time that we think in a reactive or emotional – or feeling – way.  This is the most essential form of self-punishment, self-flagellation, self-inflicted harm or ‘eating yourself up’ in a rather literal way. I became aware of this through the education I’ve gotten through Eqafe.com and it’s about time that I tackle this very ‘primal’ way of existing which is that of fear and paranoia in the seemingly most ‘subtle’ yet ever present manners.

Letting go of this fear-habit is perhaps an addiction that I had yet to pin point and decide to work on, because of all the reasons, ideas and excuses I had allowed within me to ‘hold on’ to such fears, as if the fear, the emotional reactions or the paranoia could fix or prevent anything in reality, or ‘handle’ the situation better. They do NOT, Ever.

This leads me to look at another topic I wanted to write about which is precisely how I got to identify my ‘personality’ as Intense and how some people seem to be more naturally ‘chilled’ or stable- but not in a suppressed chilled manner where the discomfort at times simply ‘resonates’ or ‘oozes out’ from someone that ‘seems to be’ o ‘appears’ to be quite cool, calm and collected – but may be in fact be a way to suppress or hide insecurities, fears or any other reaction. I’m talking about the chillness that I’ve seen in a few people I’ve met throughout my life that portray a seemingly ‘impossible’ way of being for me. As they come through my mind and I see them and their attitudes, they live words like patience, calm, equanimity, taking it easy, being quite grounded and present, being relaxed and having a general presence of chillness about whatever they have to face or confront. One of them is my uncle who had a very serious car crash a few years ago… they both could have died and their car was full loss, but they were simply happy to be alive and of course he keeps driving and is one of the people that I believe goes through life ‘letting it go by’ so to speak… not carelessly but simply going with the flow if ‘shit happens’ so to speak, always focusing on ‘well we are alive and that’s what matters’ when seemingly bad things happen to him and his family. Whereas I projected myself being in that and kind of car crash and how I would react and use that as a way to justify some form of chronic anxiety or petrification around cars… well that would be the end of me certainly. And this is also not something I could think of doing consciously, but I have lived this very thing in a more subtle way based on what I shared above.

So, I have the living examples of people that have been through ‘worse situations’ than mine and have no fear to go back to driving or riding cars. I have the example of my father saying ‘I don’t’ regret anything’ as he goes through some of the stories of what he’s lived through in his life and at times, the ‘big mistakes’ he made that took him real money and time to recover from. He learned, he got stronger from them, he doesn’t hold the situation or other people involved in it ‘at fault’ or ‘in blame.’

These are all decision to live that I take a living lesson from. There’s also my partner whom I am quite grateful for because he’s put up with this ‘opening’ of this admittance of fears and self-created emotional reactions in me that are here for me to face and it’s for the best, because the moment is ‘ripe’ to see this through, even if facing some physical consequences, this can be a learning point for me to also then remind myself of how much I burden myself, my physical body, with all the literally useless indulgence in my mind as fears and reactions and what ifs and projections and worries and….. All that trash needs to be taken out.

I mostly decide to approach this as a quitting of a habit, an addiction. I’ve seen how ‘addicted to conflict’  as human beings we are, well perhaps many of us, and I even shared other examples of how we are addicted to sharing and giving likes to people presenting conflicts, we almost ‘rejoice’ in some kind of bad news or conflict going on between people, or pointing out the faults in others… but how much attention does a post or process of self-creation, self-support gets? Not many, but the tides are changing and I root for that change in how we support each other’s process of self-change as well.

It’s about letting go of the habit, the addiction to fear, to drama, to anxiety, to have something to constantly be ‘worrying’ about or ‘fearing’ or future-projecting about. I truly want to commit myself to be a different person with the person that I am relating the most currently which is my partner, so that I can stop repeating myself about all of these ‘subtle fears’ and worries that I bring up in our conversations. So I take it on to remind myself of expecting the best, which is not in a way thinking positively or being disingenuous about the reality of things, but as a way to focus on what normally unfolds in a rather predictable and stable way, and how even if things come up that are unexpected or not the way we planned or simply go wrong, I can also learn to go with the flow of it and take the best route to walk it, perhaps sorting it out, perhaps facing with continued consequences, it will all depend on the context.

 Another nice ‘principle’ that my partner holds as part of his ‘pillars’ to exits is ‘everything will be fine at the end, and if it is not, then one knows it’s not the very end yet.’ I take this in a very existential way though, in a way realizing that things may continue ‘flying up’ around us, things falling apart, cans of worms being opened up everywhere, going through distress, drastic changes in our lives within and without. I see it as part of our process in order for the new to emerge, for which the old must go and we are witnessing that at a global scale in many ways, some seem quite drastic and alarming, some others not as much but equally significant and equally part of the same process of existential change.  This is again WHY I emphasize on the importance of getting to understand the ins and outs of self-creation and existential creation, so that one can have a grasp of ‘how things really’ work and learn to trust ourselves as life by Living as Life as what’s best for all no matter ‘what.’ This is the only genuine way to go through whatever things we may experience in our lives and so, instead of reacting in all kinds of self-punishy ways like fear, anxiety, worry, anger, blame etc.… to best practice understanding and cooperating with being and becoming that which we CAN in fact direct and be the authority of, which is ourselves, to be and do what is best in the situation for us and for everyone involved.

For all of this, there’s Eqafe.com to explain it all and I must now honor that source of education and information and live what I’ve learned from there to no longer allow myself to fall prey to my own ‘reasons and justifications’ to exist in any form of self-inflicted harm, abuse, punishment or tension. I now redefine living intensity as the force that I know is within me as the life that I am – and that has been ‘on the waiting’ – to grow out, to be liberated from the self-created yoke of the fears and justifications, to live that passion to apply myself in these very ‘basic’ aspects such as not allowing myself to participate in these kinds of paranoid fears and worst-case scenario situations that come up in my day to day and trusting in myself as life to recover and get well from the consequences I’ve created now that I have realized and seen firsthand the effects of participating in, essentially – and excuse me for my words – my own self-created mind fuck. Let’s call things for what they are!

I thank everyone that participated in that chat and Leila for providing her insights that reminded me of all of these things that I was ‘aware’ of at a knowledge level – through the self-support and educational material at Eqafe.com – but ‘conveniently’ forgot about. Now it IS time to step into self-creation and that’s where the white canvas is and where my focus and attention will be on deciding to live in an equanimous way – yes that is quite the challenge for me as I write it, but challenge taken! – to live my intensity in a balanced way, to yes be intense in expression for self-creation, for all things that are beneficial for me – but no longer take things ‘too heavy on the heart’ as they say. To not take things SO damn seriously all the time – yes things and life are a serious matter BUT I tend to definitely be ‘too intense’ in the seriousness where it becomes a source of affliction and that has to be changed because CARING is not the same as WORRYING about things.

Genuine care is then to support myself first to breathe and slow down whenever I am experiencing any form of ‘spike’ in my heart beat and feel the pulse elevating because of one single thought that crossed my mind. I then live the commitment to be diligent about not leaving these thoughts ‘go by’ but take them on, self-forgive them because I realize they are the result and consequence of having entertained too many ‘righteous’ constructs of why I should be fearful about this or that – and remind myself that fear can’t ever be supportive when it comes to creating anxiety or any other emotion within me. Then, I rather live precaution instead of fear, for that is a reasonable way to consider reality and its potential outcomes, while also being aware that I am not able to ‘prevent’ life unfolding and all the various factors in it, but I am able to face any outcome the best way that I can, trusting myself in being able to act the best way that I can, and that means not portraying a face of strength and composure as if nothing happened all the time, but simply being able to trust myself in facing the momentary expressions of fear or any form of tension and trust myself in being able to take me back to my ‘zero point’ where I’m stable and nothing is moving within me.

I can also commit myself to practice being generally more chilled, realizing that I can’t even think of being the ‘savior’ of anyone nor prevent anyone from being harmed. Even if I cause that harm, I can always admit it to myself, see how I can do things differently from here on and move on with life. But I can’t keep holding myself captive for the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what was’ anymore.

Here I can also remind myself of the principle of shared responsibility so that I know that there are a bunch of factors that lead to the creation of a certain thing or situation not working out or going off or being destroyed. There is more than meets the eye and this is not in an ‘esoteric’ sense of the saying, but simply as a way to not get ‘hooked’ on certain moment and events that I keep ‘seeing through’ the eyes of my mind.

This implies also to change how I see or perceive situations, how I take in actions and information, how I have to also let go of assumption as in knowing exactly ‘how things are’ because I most likely cannot know. I can know about my experience, and yes I am even that ‘out of myself’ that I cannot exactly yet know what goes on with my body, so this is also part of the things that I want to now not be negligent about but be considered and attentive of, which is my physical body, to learn to be more aware of its pains and discomforts and not let them ‘go by’ ignoring them, but taking them as a cross reference of who I am in my mind and so, what I need to work on.

The decision then is to not remain a prisoner of my own repetitive thoughts and experiences, of what I did or didn’t do in the past. That’s only another comfort zone to not dare to change, live and express and I am definitely ready and willing to live and express, I just ‘thought’ that I had to still feel bad and drag my past corpses around as unwanted souvenirs lol.

Even daring to ‘be well’ and feel OK, and appear generally in a good stance within oneself seems at times ‘too good to be true’ or ‘how dare I!?’ but it is then also a point about allowing oneself to be OK and to genuinely Be Life and stop living in constant self-torture. I noticed this yesterday at a social gathering, some people that had not seen me in a long time said I looked really well like ‘radiant’… I said ‘oh well it’s supplements I started taking I guess!’ but the moment wasn’t intimate enough to say ‘you know what yes I’ve been practicing stopping existing in all of this self-blame and self-flagellation for the world and things in my life not going ‘the best way’ or how I thought they could.’ But, for those that did engage with me in conversations, I was able to share some of what I do and how I approach things and that is great too, because then they may get ideas of how to work through some of their own problems, confusions or worries.

The best way that I can advertise this process is with my own process, with my own way of living. And honoring the information and message that I’ve been privy to for the past 11 years J

So, cheers to this and to facing the current reality of the world and situations around us in a way that we can be sure, we are not going into panic, fear or anxiety, but cover our bases and act according to what seems most reasonable and best for all to do.

Thanks for reading and thanks to everyone that knowingly – or unknowingly – has supported me to walk through these aspects of myself.

 

Recommended self-support:

 

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448. The Witch

This movie by Robert Eggers (2015) is one of – if not – my favorite one that I’ve watched so far this year. Why I liked this movie is because it presents in a very simplistic set-up how the real horrors and ‘problems’ – or things we don’t understand – and paranoia are first and foremost created in the human mind. The ‘stars’ of the movie are the emotions taken to the level of what we call mind possession and psychosis that leads to essentially the death of an entire family. Here I understand that there’s a whole different level in which the movie can be ‘read’ as well in terms of the symbols, Satanism, the time in which the history is set up which is in the 17th century of puritans from the UK arriving to New England in America and the beliefs around witches as well, but here I’d like to focus more on observing the human mind and its influence on physical reality.

I recently listened to the audio ‘The Dark Mind’ in The Future of Consciousness series on Eqafe and this is a point that was mentioned: to realize the consequence that the mind can create on something that is real in this world, such as destroying relationships. And this is a seemingly simple statement, but it defines so much of what we’ve made of ourselves and what we’ve imposed onto this world based on our emotions, feelings, judgments, fears, opinions, beliefs and all of that combined becoming the decisive factor to do what we do or become what we become.

I can start with the role of the father of the family and how it was through his own pride and arrogance that he decides to leave the community that he was living in with his family  – the seven of them – and so ‘find his own way through’. It is with this decision that embark into a whole new space in the woods where food cannot really be grown, they have a hard time surviving and so that whole experience of lack starts leading the kids to dream of what it would be like to ‘live deliciously’ again, lol, how it was when they were in England and all the lifestyle they had and left behind, how they ran away to New England to not be prosecuted and continue prophesying a religion, which in itself is like going through their own ‘witch hunt’, very similar to what’s happening now with the world-paranoia on Muslims too, to name but one example.

So the religious factor is a key element here, and an example that can extend to any form of ‘self religion’ as a set of beliefs that  blind us from reality, creating all kinds of experiences like paranoia, fear, blame, guilt, hope, leading to the ultimate self-destruction and desperation in the characters of the movie upon seeing what is happening to them – starting off with their baby being robbed by the witch – and realizing that no matter how much they pray or hope that food grows, nothing and no one is coming to save them. This is something all of us can relate to when finally realizing that this world, our lives are our creation and they are entirely in our hands and there’s really no one coming to save us or said in another more straightforward way: there’s nothing to abdicate our responsibility to.

To me it’s still quite unbelievable to what extent people can STILL believe there is some force or god or saint ‘guiding their lives’ or ‘healing them’ and not being aware of at all how their lives are entirely the product of one’s own thoughts, words, deeds and so of our collective environment we all individually and collectively co-create. But! I once was there in that kind of mentality and it does take a process – time and practical application – to debunk these religious constructs within oneself to finally grasp to what extent we have created our own fairy tales like gods and guides and spirits looking after us just because we didn’t want to take absolute responsibility for ourselves, for our own creation and recognize ourselves as the creators of it all.

 

– Paranoia in the elemental unit of society: the family

 

A fascinating element is the paranoia that is created around the role of ‘the witch’ which I’d like to place it here as an archetype – more than the mythical role – that we’ve created as human beings to dissociate ourselves from any evil, from any bad and nasty ways of being and we instead have created these figures like ‘the devil’ or ‘the witches’ and ‘the demons’ because we are not willing to face these points within ourselves and our lives, and acknowledge it as part of our human nature, an aspect that comprises ‘who we are’ that we’ve mostly suppressed and hidden because we fear looking at it and realizing what really exists within ourselves. I consider that this is marvelously represented in this movie where you see these very pious and ‘well behaved’ individuals, very devoted, yet once that the emotional mind possession kicks in for various reasons in all of them, they lose ground and end up dead and killing each other as a result of it. Lol, I know this may sound harsh but after all this is meant to be a ‘horror’ movie and I would say it is psychological horror as in the horrors that we can create in our minds and impose onto physical reality causing such disgrace.

I actually see this movie not so much as a ‘look into the past’ – even though cinematographically its accuracy and representation can perfectly transport us to the 1600’s – but also as a representation of that same ‘human mind’ that hasn’t really evolved or changed for the better throughout time, it hasn’t evolved to become a tool with which we can become ‘better human beings,’ not yet, because it won’t happen by itself obviously, we have to actively do this change. If anything the state of our minds and so the world has gotten worse and in this very neat example of the outcomes with this puritan family in the 1600’s stands even as a prophecy of what can STILL happen if we keep placing our lives in the hands of our minds, our emotions, our fears and desires, waiting for some god or guide or light or universe or whatever to help out instead of taking responsibility for our own emotions, our own experiences, our own deepest and darkest secrets and desires that can ‘erupt’ in a very, very consequential manner if we don’t deal with them effectively, and only suppress them.

Part of what we see with very pious people is that there’s a hell of suppressed thoughts, feelings, emotions, essentially energy that is hidden at the back of our minds, that we don’t even want to see, face or recognize as our own because we judge it and because in religion one is constantly hoping for, praying for and venerating all that is ‘good’, yet when ‘the shit hits the fan’ in our reality of course all of that positive thinking won’t do a thing because what we need to do is to Understand and realize HOW we created ‘the problem’ and how we are co-creators of that situation, instead of standing as seemingly victimized ‘pawns of god’ that were suddenly punished by the invisible hand.

So if anything this movie can be taken to our current context to ask ourselves how much are we still delegating our responsibility in our lives, in our experiences, in how we deal with our consequences or ‘unfortunate’ events, where is one still blaming others – the devil, a witch, a god, a black goat – lol – or your partner, the government, your neighbor, your parents, a politician? Lol – and so instead learn how to ‘take the bull by the horns’ in our lives and realize that suppressing these emotions, these ‘problems’, hiding them and keeping a face of ‘everything is fine’ is only a time-bomb waiting to explode.

As we can see in the movie, all the tension is built in such a multi-dimensional/multi-faceted manner, that the idea of the witch is only but one ‘cherry on the cake’ to make it a psychological thriller if you will, based on the epoch it was situated in and so forth. But this is actually about the suppressed fears, pride, anguish, blame, survivalism, sexual desires n and the rest of points that one would have to actively be aware of, actively be opening up and directing in our lives because if hidden, suppressed and not dealt with = they can become our ‘worst nightmare’ as it is actually represented in the movie, where it is also quite symbolic to see that this seemingly ‘well together’ family starts falling apart and going into conflict with one another, yet suppressing it all until it becomes so much, this unstoppable ‘energy force’ that leads to fatal outcomes. Of course here relating to the actual energy that we create in our minds that then we listen to as thoughts in our heads and eventually act upon it based on this ‘overwhelming’ experience, where we essentially lose ourselves to the mind, and that’s where one becomes possessed and I guarantee that each one of us have experienced this same thing one way  or another.

An example is how upon seeing the outcome with the baby being stolen and Caleb – the son – being possessed, there’s a hidden blame toward the father that led the family out of the community, there’s a blame toward Thomasin – the daughter – for not being aware when the baby was stolen by ‘the witch’ and the resentment that exists in Thomasin when she finds out she’s going to be sold by her father in order to get the family some money; then there’s the wife/mother that is holding a grudge to the father for selling that silver cup to get some food, and in general the kids that started ‘praising the devil’ and becoming also possessed, which was represented in the form of being overtly playful which is something that also is attempted to be repressed based on the nature of their religion and ways as a family.

Caleb is also getting to have an awakening in his sexuality and eventually starts suppressing it, hiding it, not looking at it, only to entirely be tempted by it and ‘falling for it’ when it comes to being lured by the witch herself. The father fights his own inner demons trying to extricate himself through hard physical word, yet ends up having a fight with ‘the goat’ to the point of dying, because he ends up ‘losing it’ as in going mad within himself instead of understanding what he was facing and maybe placing his pride aside to go back to the community.  “Corruption, thou are my father” were his last words due to – possibly – having to admit he lied or didn’t speak up to the wife about him having stolen the cup and instead allowing the daughter to be accused of stealing it and being a witch and ‘bringing a curse to the family’.

 

And then we have Thomasin who is like the perfect example of how we can create our ‘self-fulfilled prophecies’ when it comes to being  called ‘the witch’ or having ‘made a deal with the devil’ which leads her to be placed into judgment by the entire family. We also see that she did feed the lies around it possibly, maybe due to boredom or a desire for some actual ‘super powers’ or a ‘better life’ or just to create an ‘alternate reality’ to avoid not facing the stark reality they were ‘trapped’ into. She ends up killing her mother as a way to defend herself which leaves her with no family members at all and so taking that last decision to ‘convert into a witch’ or ‘sign the deal with the devil’ also based on wanting to fulfill the desires that she had inside her.  I remember something like this happening to me where based on a certain image others had of me and called me a particular manner, I actually ended becoming ‘that’ as well as a form of self-fulfilled prophecy where we trap each other with judgments, and if one is not ‘standing on one’s ground’ enough, one accepts such tag upon oneself to become it entirely, which is obviously one of the problems we create in our relationships with people as well as with ourselves.

The final part of the movie we get the whole infamous part where the goat/devil/Black Phillip asks ‘do you want to live deliciously?’ and presenting her with a series of desires and wants that she had probably been dreaming of and aspiring to get in her mind, yet not fully understanding what it would mean to ‘sign the deal’ and get all of that and at what expense, which is not shown in the movie and I agree it does end in a way that glorifies this notion of empowerment through becoming a witch in that sense, which is not my point here at all.  We can instead see it nowadays with everyone that is made ‘rich and famous’ in music or entertainment industries and have to ‘sign the deal with the devil’ – literally in many ways – which involves sacrificing one’s life  or other living beings to get a certain experience, any form of ‘high’ that is sustained in an artificial manner…  but I won’t go into that story because it would be reaching other realms of realizing how ‘evil’ we all in fact are when only seeking our own personal interests at the expense of everyone and everything else, hence the recommendation to watch the movie to see an ‘extreme’ form of our human mind and how it is not such a far fetched situation, considering this kind of things happen every day if reading the local news and not so mainstream newspapers.

We might gasp and do ‘aaahs and ooohhs and eeewwws’ when we see the actual gruesome things that one human being can do to other living beings, but, we actually commit this sacrifice in our very own bodies every single day as well, every single time that we give directive control to our minds instead of learning to be self-honest and self directed, understand what self-restrain and self-control means when it comes to watching our thoughts, watching what kind of ‘desires’ we are fueling, what kind of experience are we ‘wishing upon’ toward oneself and others, that’s what we have to become self honest about: to face the grime within ourselves, to learn how to walk through it and so be able to live with ourselves, with our minds in a supportive and co-creative manner.

So as a conclusion on the final ‘conversion’ of Thomasin into a witch, I’d like to see it as a representation of how there’s always that potential in all of us to either decide or make the choice of what one wants in to live in one’s life and what one is willing to do to get it, regardless of it being ‘good or bad’ but rather identifying the practicality of such desires and wishes.  So there was that potential in Thomasin from the beginning to ‘go to the dark side’ but not just in ‘her’ but in everyone else as it was demon-strated throughout the movie.

Every character faced their own possession and so their own outcomes based on it, which is what I find makes this movie so fascinating and a one-of-a-kind seemingly ‘simple’ story where we actually get to see precisely these consequences that we create upon physical reality based on what we accept and allow to go unquestioned, undirected and deliberately suppressed, hidden or buried in ourselves. And not realizing that this will ultimately ‘come back to the surface,’ and we rather be prepared how to face it or prevent it all by embracing, understanding and learning how to work through our ‘dark self, our dark mind’, learn how to effectively change and align that part that exists in all of us – no one is excluded – and so prevent real physical consequences that are and can be in ultimate sense irreversible as well.

We can be blinded by our own fears, beliefs and opinions instead of dealing with it as our own creation, to realize that the devils, the demons, the ‘dark’ and ‘evil’ is not an outside or external force, but it exists within us all. If we surrender to our minds and its demons and evil  – as everything that stands as the reverse of live – and only seek a form of self-interest, we also are making that decision to give away our sovereignty, our self-governance and self-direction, ending up ‘sign that deal’ to give up all self-creation to that part of ourselves as the mind that we all know is not the best version of ourselves, the one part that is trapped seeking energetic experiences all the time, an ultimate ‘high’ of any kind, which is ultimately what the ‘real witch’ in the movie seems to do, to sacrifice a baby for some kind of experience of beauty or ‘super powers’ = same as what we tend to focus on creating with our feelings and emotions or energy in our minds.

We don’t realize that this ‘temptation’ is actually compromising ourselves, yet we ‘give in’ when we are presented with ‘the temptation’ and usually masked as something we enjoy, we desire, we want to ‘fulfill’ with ourselves, but we don’t look at what or how we are compromising ourselves to get it, and in an ultimate sense what do we want to honor in our lives: an experience, an appearance, a status? Or who we really are in our thoughts, words and deeds as living beings?

So something practical to remind ourselves as human beings is how we all agreed to be part of the human body and this reality based on the promise of ‘experiences’ of having this really ‘good time’ on Earth, and so ‘signing the contract’, agreeing to be in the body and in this life on Earth as a human, not really knowing what the hell we were getting ourselves into.  And the same goes nowadays when we are lured by money, power, sex and pleasure, all the ‘seemingly good experiences’ and not really realizing if that’s where the real substance of life is, if that’s what we really want to make of ourselves and our lives.  Just consider what Caleb could have prevented if he wasn’t lured by the seemingly astonishing appearance of the witch, only to later on realize the gruesome experience he was going to go through, which led him to his dead.

I consider it very timely to discuss and open up these points and ‘darker subjects’ in our process where these phases are opening up in Eqafe interviews – some I am listing below – and a practical thing to take on from the movie is to ask ourselves, what do we still fear facing or opening up within ourselves, what are we still giving too much ‘power’ and attention in our minds that we know it’s not beneficial for us, what are we still allowing to have as a form of temptation within us and not seeing it for the ‘energetic experience’ we are seeking, why we are desiring it or seeking it and learn to deliberately ‘take the spell away’ and see it ‘for what it  is’ and apply self-direction, self-restrain and self-control to handle this….

I leave a link to the hangout/discussion we had on this movie as well and definitely suggest to check it out. It’s not your typical ‘horror movie’, it’s a really well made movie, a one of a kind that I haven’t seen in a long time, so, enjoy it and enjoy taking these points of the movie back to yourself.

 

the-witch

 

Suggested Interviews, to prevent yourself from having your own ‘Witch’ experience in real life:

– The entire series of Demons in the Afterlife, for everyone fascinated and/or interested in the actuality of the demon world.

 

 

 

 


441. Paranoid Assumptions: How to Walk Through Them

 

This is a continuation to an aspect within myself that I had written down, disclosed and seen from many angles a couple of years ago in the entry 396. I Think, therefore I Assume but, certainly as with many other aspects and points we find within our minds, it is just not going to go away by writing it out or self-forgiving the mess made by assuming all at once. This point of ‘assuming’ which is a guessing process wherein, in my particular case, I use that uninformed ‘guess’ to jump into a conclusion about something/someone in such a fast pace that it can determine in one moment who I am going to be or how I am going to react to another person only by misunderstanding, jumping into conclusions, guessing ‘where the person is coming from’ or ‘what they are hiding’ or ‘what they are implying,’ which I must remind myself are all entirely my sole creation.

What do I mean by ‘my creation’? An assumption as I see it, is a series of thoughts that we concoct inside our minds as a reply or reaction based on some input we have, which means information from an external source. Now, upon discussing this point last night with my partner, I realized how I was kind of ‘vilifying’ the word ‘assumption’ in itself, and it is not that it is all ‘bad’ about making a guess about things, that’s Not the problem, but who we are within guessing or assuming and if one is emotionally invested into it.

So, I take his explanation to place it out here because it assisted me to see how there can be plain ‘guessing’ that comes without any personal investment onto it, like say I ‘guess’ or ‘assume’ it’s going to rain today because there’s a ton of those very gray clouds in the sky. That’s about it, a guess, an assumption based on the state of the sky in that moment. There’s an educated guess that comes from say checking out the weather forecast in more than one source – which is still not an absolute point of accuracy – and one can make an educated guess or assumption that ‘yes, it will rain because two or more sources indicate so.’ There can also be a ‘paranoid’ form of guessing where one is emotionally invested onto it, like say if I hated the rain because it ruins my possibility to go for a walk, and so if I look up at the sky and see the wind and the clouds and I immediately get flustered about it because ‘It’s going to rain, yes, and my going out will be ruined, oh god why!’ type of overwhelming reaction – exaggerated here but to get the point – is where one then creates a relationship to ‘raining’ or a particular weather as a source for personal discomfort, anger, frustration and the rest of it within oneself. This ‘paranoid guessing’ that comes from only checking up at the sky and then reacting emotionally to it, is what we usually create patterns of so that whenever I see the same colors in the sky, I don’t even bother to think further other than just jumping into the assumption that ‘my day is ruined because I won’t go for a walk, because it’s going to rain.’

Now this is a ‘light’ example so to speak, but if we transpose it to other more ‘personal’ situations like say assuming that my partner ‘would like to be with another individual he sees on the streets better than me’ based on a paranoid guess, a paranoid assumption and we don’t communicate or investigate further about it in terms of opening up ‘who he is’ within looking at another person in a particular way and so walking through that point together, one can jump into this ‘paranoid assumption mode’ that can spiral out of control into a form of paranoia, a reel of backchats within oneself that come with a tension, a fear, an anxiety of ‘them wanting to be with another instead’ or ‘I am not good enough for him so that’s why he checks others out’ or ‘I bet he’d prefer a less imposing relationship’ etc. etc. Which is something that actually has happened to me and that upon opening up this point with my partner, it was cool to realize how he understands the pattern, how automated it is as a simple ‘checking out’ which has also to do with very ingrained male programming that he simply has to be more diligent to direct if he is up for doing so. He clarified how there is no ‘intent’ in it beyond that momentary experience of ‘checking out’ for example that he had been quite conditioned to, so that will be then his point to work through and my point is to Not jump into these paranoid assumptions from one figment of reality that I take within me to react to.

 The point here is that through rather asking directly, opening up the point, there were no more ‘paranoid assumptions’ about it, but instead we can work with facts, reality checks. I got to see how in fact I was escalating the point waaay too much, which I had done before but that time in the past, I kept it quiet and building it up for some time, until I confronted it and turned out to be true in relation to these distractions, where I also shared my personal experience and process of in this case also directing myself to no longer ‘unconsciously’ seek for ‘other potential partners’ for example, no matter how ‘automated’ this had become in my case as well. So it became a point of understanding as well that it takes time and real diligence to master this point of no longer ‘deviating’ my attention once I am in a committed relationship.

So that was a long explanation, but! It was assisting for me to also see the variations of ‘assumptions’ and so here to redefine the relationship to these ‘paranoid assumptions’ where I have considered I jump into conclusions and ideas and perceptions all based entirely only on what exists within me

Here another point opens up: it means that these ‘paranoid assumptions’ are in fact  my own projection toward others, where I can be the one that hides, implies, beats around the bush or speaks from a state of reaction about things. So, I see that paranoid assuming becomes much more prevalent when – again, assuming – lol – that we all won’t just ‘say things as they are’ but implying there is always something that is kept away/aside/hidden for the sake of benefiting or protecting oneself or any other form of ego-trait that leads us to, for example, not explain ourselves entirely toward another, which can be also a practical reason in many contexts. An example is how one won’t go explaining one’s entire medical condition to someone that asks ‘how are you doing’ and even if one visibly looks not so well, let the whole clinical history out in that moment, we usually say we are ‘doing so so with x situation, but recovering’ and the other person can be ‘ok’ with the response, not lying just not giving the whole explanation, not for the sake of ‘hiding’ or anything, but for practical reasons.

These ‘paranoid assumptions’ imply the moments where I immediately ‘jump’ to ‘fill in the blanks’ coming from the starting point of already assuming that this person exists already in a constant state of seeking benefit or perpetual deception, or usually hiding something, or just blatantly lying for some reason. I can see that this can be defined as ‘lacking trust towards others’ but this is more of my own reflection as well when it comes to being aware how us humans operate in our minds  and so believing that others are lying, hiding all the time. This could be a reality, yes, but it is exactly because of this justification around ‘Everyone lies, everyone deceives, everyone is dishonest’ that I go justifying my ‘assumptions’ and qualify them as ‘real’ in no time, which has led me to jump into unbearable assumptions that mostly lead to conflictive situations, simply because of how fast I ‘made up my mind’ about something or someone without actually taking the steps to apply the ‘antidote’ to assuming: investigating, asking questions, communicating, clarifying, opening up the point with another until clarity is reached.

Why has it taken so much from me to actually ask? Because! There is a righteousness involved in assuming, in believing that ‘I am always right’ about another’s intentions, state of mind or hidden agendas, which is of course not entirely so. Sure, I mean, when we get to know how our minds operate and one becomes like a ‘mind technician’ where one is able to see the equations behind things, it does get a bit tricky to not immediately do so and assume that ‘it’s always going to work that way’ but, in reality there are lots of exceptions and I have been tested quite often based on the assumptions I have created toward my partner for example, and time and time again after jumping into assumptions and responding from my assumptions to something, and when deciding to ‘roll back’ the moment and see what steps did I ‘miss’ or ‘where did I jump into conclusions’ I realize that I in fact ‘filled in the blanks’ in my mind, even though what was said was quite clear in itself. This is the moment where I have to apply humbleness in recognizing that yes, I did assume or made it ‘more’ than what it is in my mind, which in other words is that acceptance of being wrong about my assumption and so propose a solution in that moment to my ‘mistakes’ which in this case are ‘missed-steps’ in communication.

One can also say that assuming comes from a form of control, believing that one ‘knows’ someone or knows how ‘predictable’ we all are that we immediately jump into these ideas or beliefs and believe in them, blindly so. I consider this is part of one of the greatest problems in communication in fact, where we believe we ‘know’ what another person is ‘truly about’ or ‘truly like,’ and how just by observing them, hearing their words, or misinterpreting their interactions toward ourselves or others that we can already assume/predict or magically ‘know’ exactly what they are ‘all about.’ Wrong! And we do this just because of a) not daring to actually get to know a person in reality, which means, actually communicate and truly see who are they in their words, in their life, develop a relationship with them; or b) because we believe we already ‘know the reasons’ behind anyone’s words – which is like this all knowing god-ego that we carry around in our heads – and so we apparently need ‘no more explanations’ from another because we are already in fact projecting our assumptions, our beliefs about others, so ‘why bother, if I already know it?’ type of reaction, which I could label as arrogant, conceited and egotistical of myself, however judging myself for it is of course not the solution here, at all.

I have seen myself create an entire ‘story’ of assumptions as to create a ‘why’ to something in what is called ‘quantum time’ meaning, super- fast and in that moment already reply, after seconds of hearing some version of a story, a set of words wherein I ‘assume’ that I know the real reason behind that, therefore I have the right to, for example, appear as ‘outraged’ about something even if through words I may say a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ but within an entire stance and experience within myself of apparently ‘already knowing the ‘truth’ of the matter’ and so, justifying my immediate reaction to something or someone within a particular experience. All of this is in fact one of those ‘chain reactions’ or massive paranoid assumptions that can unfold to what is most commonly known as arguments or verbal battles between people, just becomes of one or both – or more involved – going into various assumptions of what either one meant to in fact say.

 

So, first of all a point I have to continue working on is on slowing down, just today I had one of those situations where upon asking something to my partner and upon getting a very straightforward answer, I immediately went into assuming the ‘missing link’ I was already going to ‘take on’ as ‘what he implied’ but fortunately he immediately said ‘and by saying that, no, I don’t mean that I would do this/that’ which means, he added more information to prevent me from going into one of those ‘insta-assumptions’, which means that yes he’s already aware of my ‘pattern’ of jumping into these conclusions which actually have contributed to misconstrue the idea I have of him, which if I look back it actually becomes a way to continue imprisoning each other within those same judgments and ways to treat or perceive another, because we believe they ‘haven’t changed’ or ‘have been this/that way in the past’ and so not allowing another to in fact step out of ‘the past’ if I recreate it even within my paranoid assumptions. Lol, it’s been actually quite great because this way it becomes a constant point to test myself and see where I go into ‘reading between the lines’ about a situation, and when I in fact ‘burst the paranoia bubble’ and simply ask directly. So far, asking directly and to the point has dispelled a Lot of misunderstandings or paranoid assumptions on my side, which has in turn become a gift of developing communication, understanding and even trust in the sense that I then get to know where another stands in relation to something/someone and becomes an actual communication, veering towards a self-supportive approach rather than just recriminations, back and forths, quiet paranoid assumptions and the plethora of reactions that may stem from there.

Now, here I’ve used the partnership relationship as an example, but I could go on and on in the ways I assume things about almost everything, and so this is also a point for me to commit to slow down in my mind whenever wanting to ‘jump into paranoid assumptions’ and rather ask more questions, get more information, communicate more, develop a ‘getting to know’ another if I see I have held some judgment about them for some time, get to understand the ‘why’ of something, because this assists us in rather looking at potentials for solutions and change, rather than remaining escalating this paranoia which is of course not a cool way to go living at all.

Points to change or challenge oneself with when stopping paranoid assumptions? Real time application of admitting and changing one’s righteousness, sense of ‘pride’ or know-it-allness, one’s fear to communicate or open up something due to ‘fearing conflict’ for example, or ‘fearing losing’ a relationship of any kind, or just fearing breaking out of one’s bubble to communicate with another, and also very important! Once that one gets the actual facts – whether they are entirely true or not – to not go into paranoia about questioning that further information one may get when stepping out of assuming and communicating or investigating something further, like say me reacting to the realization that yes my partner was checking someone else out, lol, that would only re-wire the paranoia again. It is about in that moment talking through the points to acknowledge self responsibility in both sides – or if the other person is not aware or up for ‘self change’ then simply one’s own responsibility – to not go into further reactions or delusions, but instead then work with one’s own reactions, fears, emotions based on the responses we get, that’s one’s sole responsibility not another’s. The rest, should always be worked out, talked through with the two or more involved in the situation. That is to rectify that in fact, we can only change ourselves, we can only be an example and show to others ‘how it can be sorted out’ but, we can’t ever push another to do the same for themselves, unless they are entirely deciding to do so themselves.

Ok, some more dimensions/aspects might open up in time, but for now this has cleared up for me to see that when going into ‘paranoid assumptions’ I rather immediately communicate, speak up, investigate which means asking, confronting, walking through the fear that this might imply at times and realize that it’s just a limitation to actually see things for what they are so that we can work with ‘how things are’ in fact, and not building ‘possibilities’ or ‘ifs’ based on illusions/delusions or paranoid assumptions as uninformed guessing. This way one can instead build a solid relationship with another by understanding, by looking at solutions together rather than building up and remaining in conflicts and reactions.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Pointing back at me

 

Learn more about this and make it work for yourself!

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


124. Who am I within ‘Wanting to be Alone’?

It is clear that it is a mind possession what we go through when desiring or fearing something. Wanting to be alone is just the polarity of actually fearing to be alone and as such, creating a pattern of desire and suppression as fear within events that I then define according to this single character as ‘The Loner.’

If we look at ourselves as society, we all eventually hit this spot of secluding ourselves within a constant desire or fear to be with another, fearing establishing relationships and at the same time desiring to be with others.

We have become so conflictive in our minds that we can structure an entire game of self-interest wherein all that exists is our personal benefit: ‘Oh I want to be alone/ Oh I want to be with another’ – and where’s Life in all that? Where is an actual Self-Agreement that we can consider as an actual point of Self Support that is not dependent on ‘external points’ such as people, environment and situations to  define who we are.

 

I realize throughout this exploration of ‘the loner’ that I have mostly danced around a desire to experience myself in a different way in relation to having company or not, which is then deliberately seeking to play a character that we can become for a moment and establish that as ‘who we are:’ I am alone or I am not alone anymore – and that’s it. And in that we can build and create a thousand events and stories wherein we revolve around a constant friction and conflict in relation to one single point, while everything that we are as human beings that breathe and that require to consider that there is much more than one single point of desire or fear that we trap ourselves into when believing ourselves to be these thoughts in our head, that later on become actual actions that we ‘give life’ to literally, as all actions based on desires or fear are in fact not based on a practical and common sensical consideration of who we are as individuals that exist in a physical biosphere  that we have abused when seeking only to satisfy our hopes, dreams and desires that we sometimes do not even realize we are ‘living for’ because we tend to make it ‘ok’ to keep one single piece of heaven in our pocket, without realizing that such heaven has always been an illusion,  a sugary thought that we keep just because it makes us feel content for a moment – yet it has no substance as a practical living consideration wherein we actually become beings that are able to consider another as an actual equal and one part of ourselves – instead we antagonize and desire each other, like strangers that cannot conceive that we are in fact one and equal.

 

Back to the question:

Who am I within ‘Wanting to Be Alone’?

It is just a character of self manipulation that is designed to actually activate the absolute opposite as a strong desire to create a relationship when and as the ‘conditions’ apply, which is once again a character that seeks to upgrade itself into a ‘completeness’ when being with another/ others, eventually creating yet another form of separation from that avoidance to be with others to an absolute dependency toward others – never in fact seeing and realizing that self is here as one and equal and as such, it is to step out of these limited versions of ourselves: struggling to be with others, yet wanting to be with others and in that just rocking back and forth like in a ping pong match wherein there is no actual ability to win or lose as none of the points are in fact ‘real’ – as we are never in fact all alone yet we cannot ‘complete’ ourselves with another either.

 

So this is a point of Self Honesty wherein we realize how we have created characters to stand as a form of entertainment and conflict to only exist up there in our minds, thinking why we would rather be alone or why we would want to be with another – and where is the rest? It’s simply out of the picture as we become possessed with one single point only, going in circles chasing after each pole instead of actually allowing ourselves to stop, breathe and look for a moment what it is in reality that we are whining about: is this character in any way supporting me to actually take on the practical considerations within this physical world that I require to do.

 

It is rather ludicrous how we have become the characters to such an extent that there are moments wherein we cannot apparently see beyond the fog, yet we are always here, breathing, an entire physical body keeping ourselves alive while we consume ourselves with emotions or feelings that we accept as ‘who we are.’ This is then how we have to consider how to stand one and equal as the mind to become self directive as the mind, so that everything we participate in our day to day, moment by moment reality is no longer the type of prefab limitations such as ‘the loner’ characters that only exist as the limited version that we accepted and allowed ourselves to consume ourselves with.

 

It’s definitely time to live, and by living at this stage it is to stop participating in all characters that we have created as the surrogate versions of ourselves, living for us just because we were too frightened to even consider that there is another way to exist.

I have realized how the participation in the mind is the point that becomes an addictive experience, believing that it is ‘perfectly normal’ to have some type of mind-discomfort translated as an actual pathology that we accept as ‘real’ such as ‘being a loner,’ which is just a delusion I cultivated in order to create my own character to entertain myself with – not necessary.

I have seen and realized how there is an actual fear to stop participating in our ‘personal favorites’ such as usual behavioral patterns that backup the idea of ‘who we are’ in our minds. It’s almost like an aberration to the mind the moment that we do not participate in emotions and feelings and that is an actual point of self-movement, wherein we stop acting out on that which we saw as ‘usual’ within us when the necessary conditions/ context would present itself to then look into our character wardrobe and decide what type of conflictive or pleasing ‘nature’ we want to play out in such moment, never ever realizing or considering the point of abuse that this represents.

So, it’s cool to see and realize how this character was just another way to keep me entertained in my tunnel vision in relation to myself and others

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to a single character in my mind such as ‘The Loner’ character wherein I reduce an entire moment of who I am as flesh to one single ‘self’ that wants/ needs/ desires or rejects being with others and creating a positive or negative energetic churning and sparks about it, which is absolutely delusional to exist as a default experience that in no way assists as support me to be here as breath, physically living and considering where and how I have to direct myself to support me to actually consider how I can be and become an example of what it means to live the word: Equality as Life wherein no reaction or wavering exists when the decision to Live is done and placed in motion by ourselves,  I commit myself to LIVE as that is what we have not yet done/been in fact throughout our existence here: Life in Equality and Oneness

 

I see and realize that because we have all existed in our personal-limitations we have only feared actually getting to know each other because we have even feared establishing an equal and one relationship with ourselves, because we had not considered ourselves ‘enough’ but were actually waiting for something o someone to ‘fill in the void’ and because in our minds not just ‘anything’ can play that role. This is how we become hermits and loners to not have to actually realize that we were protecting ourselves from the actual opportunity of communicating and interacting with others as equals, which implies we cannot generate any positive or negative experience about it, but simply get used to and learn how to live and interact without any emotional or feeling input in order to assess it as ‘being actually living.’

This is how we break the addictive pattern of generating any positive or negative experience upon being alone or being with others as I then instead decide to remain here as breath.

This is the actual fear: just being here, in simplicity – how ludicrous it is – yet it makes ‘perfect sense’ as in the mind we’re always having to be bounding from one side to the other in order to keep ourselves ‘alive’ as the ‘who I am’ of/as the mind. Not necessary.

Alone is what I exist as here, as a physical breathing human body – yet I am a cell that is part of the whole that functions in unison. Right now we’re not Sound enough in our living – thus I align myself to live as the physical which means: no more powering up experiences that I entertain myself within my mind, living here as breath is like living rehab for the very first real time, giving our physical the breaths that we missed when searching for our next greatest hit. Time to live our commitment to live in and as simplicity in every breath here.

 

“We are not alone in this. And no ONE alone will change the world.”
Bernard Poolman 

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System 

For further review on ‘The Loner’ Character:

 

Blogs that enable you to understand the 7 Year Journey To Life Commitment_

Day 124: TRUE ACTIVIST TEAMLIFE

How Thoughts Activate Personalities – Part 2 (Self-Commitments): DAY 124

 

GREAT Support my Marduk in these two interviews wherein I was able to see and realize the dedication to life required in order to LIVE this process day by day ensuring that we establish ourselves as the physical in the physical practical reality

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 1) – Part 81

Ever wondered what ‘black holes’?

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 2) – Part 82

123. Home Alone: a Loner’s Paradise

Do not disturb – an ideal external silence as a positive ideal fix for the mind that seeks to preserve itself as ‘the loner’ at all times.

Continuing from…

Within ‘The Loner’ character in relation to the ideal of ‘home,’ there’s a particular point I have faced wherein it is not only ‘wanting to be at home’ in order to be ‘at ease/peace’ within me, but also wanting to be all alone in the house itself,  not wanting to have people around me, not listening to the chatter, laughter for extended periods of time, or music (that I don’t particularly like,) or just plain loud voices. I like to be at peace alone, wherein I know that no one will disturb me, there will be ‘no surprises’ as in having people suddenly yelling or screaming or shifting things around – in essence no disturbance, it’s all me. These are the thoughts of ‘the control freak’ character in relation to the ideal-experience of ‘being alone,’ which is certainly only a mind creation in relation to how I created this idea of freedom in my mind linked to not having anyone around me/ being alone – being without observers or noise makers at home.

The backchat around this point is the following, and it stems from the most prominent experience I have face in relation to living in a house with other beings wherein I have and still am facing myself with regards to this desire to ‘be alone/ be left alone’ at home and having no one around me.

I won’t be bothered with noises around me

No more crazy laughter

I’m going to be at last free

All space is for me

No disturbance or unpredictable visitors

If I could just be alone all the time

     

    Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience of weekends wherein I know that I will be alone at home, simply because of how I have made myself believe that being around others is something that bothers me and annoys me, which is all based on how I have defined my beingness according to people around me and in no way actually considering that who I am here as breath is constant and stable and that any other belief of being annoyed by noises/ people around me, is just part of how I programmed myself to always want to be alone/ always have a silent environment, because of linking noises to disturbance and as such, creating a negative experience within me whenever I do hear ‘noises’ which is is really an exaggeration to what extent I have become aware of another’s moves to the point wherein I can identify who gets home without looking out the window.

    I realize that all these associations have been created at a mind level wherein I am expecting to be bothered by another’s voices, noises or simple presence due to how I have believed myself to be ‘more free’ when being absolutely alone and within a quiet environment.

    When and as I see myself desiring the weekend to come to be alone already, I stop and I breathe – I support myself to realize that no matter who’s at home, I am here and breathing in the physical and who I am does not change according to being alone or with people – I direct myself to find the exact trigger point when this thought as a desire emerge to see where I am in fact separating myself from others as myself and my beingness as breath into an experience related to being alone or not that exists Only in my Mind.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an apparent unpleasant experience within me when being around others, when people are in the house, which is just a consequential outflow of having defined me being alone at home as ‘me being free,’ me being ‘at ease’ – thus I realize that it is not about others in fact but about myself and how I have associated being home alone with a sense of ‘freedom’ in my mind.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited the moment that I know that the last person has left the house on Saturdays, which means  I can be ‘fully alone,’ which is just a mere association I have created within my mind with regards to ‘how’ I experience myself when being with others around me, instead of actually seeing and realizing that being alone or not must not change a single iota of who I am in every moment of breath.

    When and as I see myself getting slightly excited about people leaving the house, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a positive experience out of being alone only to later on create the opposite when they come back, thus I assist and support myself to breathe in and during the moment I hear the door closing and realizing that whether there is people around or not, I am here as breath.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by noises around me such as lousy music, laughter and/or the sound of glass bottles clashing against each other as this is all related to ‘people in a group’ that I have defined as lousy/noisy and bothering because of what it entails as a disturbance to my ‘perfect order’ as ‘my space’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by, without realizing that this is in fact wanting to control others to only behave and be as silent as I want them to be at all times, just so that I don’t have to ‘be bothered’ with noises.

    I realize that I have desired silence around as a‘perfect moment’ for myself, avoiding noises without realizing that I am the one that decides whether noise becomes something that ‘bothers me’ or not –

    I realize that the laughter, the chatter and sound of bottles indicates a social reunion that I have programmed myself to loathe, simply because of linking it to drunken people that I have disliked due to the ‘disturbance’ they generate in a particular environment.

    When and as I see myself reacting in irritation or anxiety when hearing more than the usual voices in the house as chatter, loud laughter, music and the sound of beer bottles clashing against each other, I stop and I breathe. I realize that me reacting to this is playing out the control-freak wherein I believe myself to be ‘the owner of the space’ and as such, not wanting to deal with any disturbance/ any additional ‘guests’ at home, because I have defined noise as disturbance. Thus I assist and support myself to simply focus on breathing and realizing that I cannot avoid people from laughing, talking, drinking or coming here – thus it is all about me supporting myself to stop all reactions and focus on doing whatever I is I am doing.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense my body and become slightly anxious when I hear a group of people coming to the house, as I associate it with drinking and lots of people going to the toilet, which has also become part of the annoyance that I have allowed to preoccupy me in the moment, wherein I have justified my right to be ‘pissed off’ because of having more people at home, which is just quite an exaggeration from my side most of the times as the mind possession indicates itself to be.

     

    When and as I see myself getting slightly anxious and reacting with tension because of hearing people coming to the house, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to simply continue doing what I’m doing instead of creating all sorts of backchat and reactions toward others, because my backchat and reactions won’t make them ‘go away,’ thus I only abuse myself within stopping breathing here and allowing this mind possession of ‘loathing visitors’ at home. 

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘at peace’ whenever there is no one home wherein I can ‘sing aloud’ without others having to hear me, which means that I have judged and suppressed my expression around others within the idea and belief that I do not have to bother them, just because of how I was taught to always be silent and quiet as a child – which is a justification really – thus believing that everyone must be equally silent and quiet at all times as a ‘norm’ of conviviality, which is just me wanting to impose ‘my own ways’ onto others a.k.a. wanting to control and manipulate another’s expression to suit my ‘standards of conviviality.’

    When and as I see myself feeling at peace as a positive experience because of no one being around and being home alone, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this only exists because of me perceiving that I can now ‘be free’ to express myself, instead of seeing how I have imposed this limitation to myself due to the beliefs of me having to always be quiet and ‘not disturb others,’ which is why I have allowed myself to be disturbed by others within the consideration of them being ‘noisy’ – thus I assist and support myself to sing, express myself around others if I want to, without holding myself back as I see and realize that it is only fear of being judged what I am using as an excuse to not do so unconditionally.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘freedom’ to ‘being home alone,’ wherein I would feel at ease and just ‘free’ because of not having my space being ‘disturbed’ by others and also not having people to see what I do, which is all based on me then suppressing myself and hiding myself from others, which implies that I am still supporting a desire for privacy that has gotten ourselves in our world to abuse as one can only extremely so desire to be private about stuff wherein one can be involved in any form of abuse – thus I realize that this sense of freedom is in fact only linked to what I have defined as freedom in self-interest, and in no way does it point out to a reality of actual equality and oneness wherein no secrets exist.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and associate parents as authority toward whom I had to ‘keep secrets’ in order to remain with a ‘good person’ character, without realizing to what extent my desire to fulfill a positive experience within me became a pattern of constantly desiring to be alone in order to have a ‘positive experience’ about my reality, that would only last for so long and that this in fact becomes just another desire and preferential point that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

    When and as I see myself thinking that ‘freedom = being home alone,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this stems from my initial desire to be and do something that would not be allowed or witnessed/ known by others, hence doing so when being home alone. Thus I assist and support myself to breathe at all times wherein whether I am alone or not, it does not influence who I am as my beingness in every moment of breath. I allow myself to express myself regardless of the noise that my movements entail, as it is part of moving in the physical world – I do not have to ‘tip toe’ around all the time.

     

    I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have ‘my space’ so that I could do things that I knew were ‘secret’ to others and were linked to my idea of ‘freedom’ as in ‘I can do whatever I want,’ which comes as a positive polarity from the usual oppression existent within families and parents, wherein we as children after being told what to do and what not to do, seek for a way to ‘be free’ and this means having ‘no authority,’ which is why the idea of freedom as no observers and no authority consummates in my desire to be alone.

    I realize that I have created this excuse to make sense of my single desire to have a positive experience that I have linked to ‘being alone’ – thus I take self responsibility for the patterns I created within me in relation to wanting to be alone at home.

    When and as I see myself wanting to ‘have my space’ and being alone at home for an extended period of time I stop and I breathe – I realize that my desire for freedom is mostly linked to personal interests of secrecy and privacy – thus I direct myself to instead act and live in self honesty wherein I do not have to create a ‘separate moment’ for me to be ‘without stress’ when being around and with others.

    I see and realize that this is a pattern from childhood wherein I would not want to play with other kids simply because of considering them as ‘too messy’ and clumsy for my ‘perfected ways’ of being, which is ludicrous since that would mean I’d have to live in a museum to not be ‘disturbed,’ and that is certainly not living. I realize that every time I react in annoyance, I am in fact indicating myself that I am up there in my mind possession and not here as life breathing.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a negative experience out of knowing that people will be back home, which means I will stop being alone and as such linking being ‘with company at home’ to a ‘negative experience’ again, just to keep myself bound to the next moment wherein I will eventually get to be alone again.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the backchat ‘If I could just be all alone all the time,’ which is actually a belief that I hold in order to create positive and negative experiences in relation to being with people or being alone, wherein I am not in fact considering the practicality of living  alone, for example, which would not be as beneficial in a world where sharing expenses makes like a lot easier – thus I realize that if I would follow my mind’s desires to be alone, I would have been in fact in an island because in this world we cannot possibly function being ‘alone,’ as no one is ever really ‘all alone.’ We walk our process individually, alone, yes – but the interactions and relationships that enable life are physically and intricately related a group, an organism –thus I stop my delirium of ‘wanting to be alone’ which is just a tantrum-throwing backchat in order to always be either waiting to be alone or creating a negative experience when being with more people at home.

    When and as I see myself thinking that ‘I want to be alone at all times’ and having a negative experience because of seeing that other beings are coming back, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the one that must deliberately remain here as breath so that being alone or with people does not define who I am, and instead I assist and support myself to remain here as the physical, as breath at all times.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up believing that ‘my perfect peace will be destroyed’ when others arrive, which is just a way to create a negative and positive experience within me when being alone or not

    When and as I see myself thinking that ‘my perfect peace will be destroyed’ when seeing more people getting home, I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘freedom’ as experienced when being alone is just a perception and as such, I direct myself to simply remain here constant and consistent as breath, wherein who I am is not defined by having people around me or not.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how I eventually end up missing people after some time, wherein after a long time of being all alone, I start to ponder about wanting to have people around for short periods of time, which is just me trying to manipulate my entire world to ‘suit my needs’ according to how I want it, which is how I always sought to be conditional in my approach to people as I never learned how to really stand with others unconditionally, but only agree to communicate and open up according to whether I liked or disliked them, which is the entire point of who I am within evading communication, as part of ‘the loner’ characteristics of only talking to and communicating with people that would reinforce my characters, instead of having actually allowed myself to get to know people and interact with them based on common sense.

    I see and realize that such desire to ‘be alone’ and ‘not be around others’ is just a mind fix that I have created within me in order to actually defend the ‘who I am’ as my mind as the loner character that in no way assists and supports myself to LIVE, but only keeping me busy within my own ideals that I have seen and realized never meet reality as it is only in the fantasies and future projections as ideals of ‘being alone’ that I create a positive experience that I ‘look forward to’ experience, yet when it comes to actually being alone, I realize that I do not in fact want to be ‘all alone all the time,’ and that this has only become a way for me to believe that the thoughts of wanting to be alone is ‘who I am.’ Thus –

    When and as I see myself wanting to ‘be alone’ as a thought of quietness and stillness that emerge within my mind, I see and realize that this is a mind fix that I have used in order to activate ‘the loner’ character and create the inner conflict that I see and realize is absolutely unnecessary as I am here as breath and I am not determined by being with people or not.

     

    Thus I assist and support myself to stop and breathe every time that I see myself ‘wondering’ about being alone and how much ‘fun’ I can have when being all alone, as I see and realize that most of the times I even end up doing nothing different to the rest of the time that I am with people. Thus I stop this useless character within myself as I have realized the inner-play outs that I have created in order to keep an ideal ‘loneliness’ at home with no foundation whatsoever upon practical and physical reality of oneness and equality, and instead existing as the opposite of separation and further backchat wherein I absolutely forget that I am here as breath.

     

    Support yourself with mind possessions at Demonology 

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    and the Desteni Forum to support yourself in walking a process of Self-Forgiveness to finally see and realize how this world is a reflection of the separation we have participated in within our very own habits, treats and patterns in the mind. Our behavior is the point of change that will reveal who we are in every moment: divided within voices in the head or breathing here as one and equal.

    Support the Equal Money System wherein support will be provided for every human being to walk the process of taking responsibility for the separation we have created within our world based on what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become in our mind.

     

    This is for the children of the world.

    Ode to our Children

     

     

    Blogs:

    How Thoughts Activate Personalities – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 123

    Day 123: TRUE ACTIVIST UNIVERSAL GRACE

    117. I Think, thus I Fear

    What is the binding force within our reality wherein we keep each other safely protected from actually getting to know the Truth of ourselves?

    FEAR

    We can actually say that Fear has become our Religion, as Money for example is the externalization of the Fear of not having enough to live, which is how we created and manifested a system to control our ‘human nature’ in order to ensure that the entire regulation of how much we would use from this reality to live would be within some ‘bounds’ to not deplete everything and eventually end up consuming more than what we could even handle. Well, we have reached that mark, certainly and at the moment all that we consume is actually stemming from a fear, all that we buy as properties are apparently ways to ‘secure our future,’ all the relationships we create are stemming from a fear to be alone, all the decisions we take such as jobs, education, partnerships, hobbies and even what type of food we eat, where we live, what type of water we drink is stemming from fear. It’s not that difficult to create a political campaign that way: just propose a bunch of ‘Safety and Protection’ policies disguised with words like care and insurance to ensure one vote for your political statements, even if they do not get to be lived out and implemented at all.

    As I walk through the streets, I see how our very houses are creaming out FEAR, most of the houses may have some ‘beautiful architecture’ such as how we create and build ourselves in our own minds, but oh what is the ‘cherry on top’ of such grandeur? Well, barbwire, electric fencing, double fencing, CCTV cameras, and if people have enough money/ live in a very well ‘seated’ situation: guards that ensure that ‘no threat’ is able to filter at your door. Our houses and neighborhoods have become like fortresses, prisons I’d say, yet that’s the most normal thing to do in a country wherein obviously, money is an extreme lack, wherein everyone does live out the sentence: ‘It’s easier to steal than work’ and also because there are no opportunities for them to have proper education, proper preparation to have a dignified job, because this entire system has been built to only benefit a few – so, we can see how we have built our own prison, how absurd! Considering it is us that have created it: no god has come to create it for us, we did.

     

    “I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how and why FEAR as Consciousness is/has been the primary driving/creative force of/as the nature of energy that has become the starting-point creative force/source of/as me as the Mind and all the Characters/Personalities within that, that will thus all – equally as one, have an existent starting-point, nature and experience of/as Fear. Which, as we continue walking this process of Character-Creation, will be seen, realised and understood by self, the extent to which we exist as fear, the extent to which we’ve created who we are and how/what we live as fear and so within this, why and how this process of Communication, in keeping the internal truth of ourselves as the reality of the Mind intact while physically speaking the 1% portrayal/presentation of/as who we are: is controlled/determined by/through and as Fear as Consciousness.” – Sunette Spies*

     

    And as within, so without – I have been noticing for some time how even slightest movements when walking in the street, that which we call as our ‘instincts’ is in fact all stemming from Fear, survival mechanisms that we have adopted from childhood, fearing each other at all times.

    For example, it’s plain to see how we would suddenly cross the street to the opposite sidewalk  if we see someone that looks ‘suspicious’ enough to think they could harm us, how we cross our arms in front of our chest when we feel threatened or suddenly ‘feel’ like we have to portray ourselves as ‘strong’ which can only stem from perceiving a potential threat, how we pull out a condescending character or ‘good doer’ whenever we talk ourselves into our minds to think that a potential threat could have some mercy on us if we portray ourselves to be ‘good hearted beings,’ I’ve definitely thought about that.

     

    From childhood we have simply complied to this religion and learn it to be ‘love’  because ‘our parents care for us’ which is how we pass on this twisted idea of Love as an actual mind-possession that serves to mark our territory, to protect our ‘who we are as the mind’ toward others and also, of course, protect our most ingrained desires that are always ensuring that what is best for ourselves is protected at all times. We cannot definitely blame our parents and ‘those that have gone before us’ as we have all been there, done that and blaming would only keep ourselves bound to an egotistical victimization role that has prevented ourselves as humanity to actually change, because it’s simply much easier to blame than actually taking Self-Responsibility.

     

    Every decision that we’ve taken is in fact stemming from fear. Whaaaat? Yes, look within yourself, it’s there, it’s a mili-second imperceptible quick assessment of factors wherein we are always looking to maintain ourselves within ‘safe bounds’ of our mind, our con-fine-ment wherein we believe that the mind is something so ‘fine’ that we have to protect it, shield it and defend ourselves from any potential threat to ‘our being,’ but is it?  Or have we just been making/creating Gods in order to excuse the actual Fear that we experience to actually face the fact that we have built an entire world as our own prison, wherein all our decisions have Never been real, but only based on Self-Interest, which is certainly the interest of who we are as our mind only which uses Fear as the most effective protection mechanism, never ever considering what’s best for all as a physical tangible reality, which would certainly be the solution to end all fears – but why have we Not seen this before?

     

    Now, looking at the world: Fear is everywhere – from our so called petty peeves to extreme moves and decision making that defines the lives of millions of human beings, Fear can be spotted as the default ‘background’ within it all.

    Is it fearful to realize this? Well, only who we are as our minds can create Fear upon the already existent thick layer of fears we have embodied without even realizing how and to what extent we have essentially become a handful of fears that develop personalities and characters for each occasion – I think, thus I fear is what should be a more of an actual understanding of how the moment that we separate ourselves from our physical reality: wham! we are up there scheming, thinking, looking at ourselves as a mind that must protect itself at all cost. It’s time to be willing to go facing our fears: from the most obvious fears that we have even held as ‘personal favorites’ – you know, such as fearing the dark, fearing clowns, fearing to be judged and so forth to the most seemingly imperceptible fears for example when we talk to another being and we suddenly shift our eyes to another direction, in fear of being looking into the eyes when we speak about something wherein we KNOW that our mind is being exposed, along with all the variety of subtle ‘microexpressions’ that we have embraced as our ‘default’ expression – however: who, what and HOW did we shape ourselves into it?

    That’s what we learn how to walk, dissect, explore and essentially get to know ourselves as within the Desteni I Process, studying all the Desteni Material and the excellent one-of-a-kind existential education available at Eqafe, wherein we are finally understanding the actual steps to Change the World from our Fearful beingness of the Mind as our own Mind Control to an actual Self-Understanding that will inevitably lead to the process of Self Liberation as Self Birthing Life here in and as the  physical, wherein who we are in our within and without exists as the transparency of what living as flesh and bones should be all about: speaking only when it’s required, thinking practical ways to establish solutions in this world, standing one and equal to the totality of ourselves as our mind and physical to ensure that every single movement is actually Self-Directed and Self-Awareness at all times – yes, from the awareness of one single blink of our eyes to how this entire system functions as our the externalization of our minds.

    Great, isn’t it? We’ve got the tools, we have the understanding, we really have it all on a Golden Platter.

    It’s just about time we face our greatest Fears – Let’s go stopping our participation in the mind as fear and we’ll realize: we’re still here.

     

    Support the Equal Money System which is the primary way in which we are practically proposing a System that is Also an educational tool to learn how to co-exist as equals, simply because inequality has stemmed from the actual fear of not having ‘enough’ and as such, developing Greed from that belief that scarcity is something actually possible – yet we haven’t realized how scarcity as the SCARE with which we maintained ourselves controlled, is an actual outflow of a system that was built in order to maintain and sustain people with ‘pacified minds’ wherein fear became the best way to ensure that no human nature could further scavenge the earth. Well, in our attempt to control, we have become the controlled ones by our Own Creation which is the current monetary system. Hence, we can stop now biting our own tail and realize how a New World System in and as Equality as Life can only exist if we first stop living in fear and start considering what Life can actually be the moment that we dare to stand as Equals.

    This is Just one decision away: once you take the decision and walk it, you’ll realize that everything that was preventing you from making such decision was only a self-created Fear.

    Journey to Life Blogs: Read them all and see what you fear

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    My favorite Soul of Money Interview thus far, a MUST Read to see how money affects our entire beingness in this world system:

    The Soul of Money – Mind Slaves to Money Authority – Part 31

     

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    Day 48: My Smile is a Rifle + I’m pointing it at you.

    • When you smile at a stranger, there is already a minute outflow of energy. You become a giver.~Eckhart Tolle*

     

    The truth is that I would smile to people on the streets when having eye contact and when I had deliberately decided to establish such contact through ensuring that I could have them ‘by my side’ by demonstrating a physical gesture that would let them know ‘I come in peace and I intend no harm’ – which implies the starting point was  fear itself:  “People are strange when you’re a stranger” is what I learned from Jim Morrison only as a phrase that could get stuck in my head along with any other song that I would listen to in casual places.  When spirituality came into my world – or I drove myself into spirituality – I read information on how within giving away these ‘positive vibes’ and ‘thinking positive’ all the time could in fact ‘help’ to create a better world. Obviously having been submerged in a rather stagnant and pessimist phase before that, I went for it – and began being the positive charm that could engage anyone with a soft-voice and a pre-planned smile that I knew could open the doors in a world wherein fear closes them all.

     

    So,when going through life smiling at people during this phase, I can confirm what Mr. T* says in his quote here – I would create this fluffy experience which can only confirm two things:

    1. I did it because of the nice fluffy experience within myself only, while thinking that I was causing the same in another as well – foolishly so believing that this in any way could ‘make their day better’ lol – which is what LOVE is justified as

    2. I always did it in means of protecting myself from the actual fear that I would  carry myself around with when interacting/ directing myself toward humans in general when walking on the street – smiling as in ‘breaking the ice’ in order to sugar-coat the actual need to be ‘smiled-back’ as a means to talk myself into believing that: people aren’t that ‘bad’ after all, all we need is a bit of extending your mouth to demonstrate that you are a ‘good person’ as well! – yes, I  cannot even recall ‘who I was’ as such person any more. It did work at all times and would get me many opportunities however: all stemming from fear, from actual deliberate manipulation to have people ‘on my side’ while actually fearing they could insult me, rob me, attack me or anything else that I would be constantly paranoid about while walking in the streets – this way I thought I could ‘prevent me’ from being deliberately targeted as then any people would commiserate and believe myself to be this enlightened being that doesn’t deserve such harm. Of course I didn’t do this with every single person, it was mostly with those that I had to directly communicate with them for any practical purposes, as well as the ones I had to have ‘uncomfortable situations’ with, like sitting on the train together, in a bus, in an elevator, arriving at a bench in a park and sitting next to someone, etc.

    The fact is that it is so much ‘better’ for the mind to be an affable person all the time and smiling and seeking this acceptance all the time as it creates you a ‘good reputation’ + the added positive energy wherein I would self-talk myself into being adding props for my enlightened closer-to-god personality that is used to manipulate people with the ‘I am Love’ Tag while secretly asking ‘Love me back, please’ – yet what I see is that I was only following my own deception: ‘giving a smile’ is obviously not going to change anything in this world other than generating a few energetic sparks inside my body and believing that I was supporting my self-enlightened interest to become an absolute benevolent being. Lol, yes delusion is easy when being in spirituality/ the good positive side of the coin – or should I say the ‘moon’ because I was certainly not even aware of how on Earth I was able to maintain myself living with using money as a means to do so. I have only found out after years that I was only playing another ‘video game’ reality of attaining heaven through keeping score of my own ‘good deeds’ – the more I could create a fluffy experience about it: the better.

    I actually after having written out this first part of the blog, went out on the street and noticed that a girl around 9 had this very eerie gesture toward me while watching me walking down the street, and as I came closer to her she suddenly just grinned – which proved the point that I had written out here on how people first Fear each other all the time and then smiling is just a way to cover up that initial fear or whatever it is she could have experienced and demonstrated with her face in awe. (note: I still have a shaved head and that’s still not a regular thing around here for women.) And! I also realized that I would constantly have a smile on my face, like this rigid gesture that I would keep in order to seem affable for all of the above mentioned reasons – the same when ‘looking at nature’ and believing that GOD had wanted me to get out of my house for a walk in that very moment because I was going to witness these two little birds chasing after each other – or a piece of glowing plastic with the sunrays creating this beautiful contrast with the green foliage and a bit of dry leafs – the same would happen when encountering a dead little bird on the side walk – and I am exaggerating a bit with the ‘god’ thing, but I would definitely create all forms of nice positive experiences from JUST looking at reality. Yes, people, I was very/ highly deluded creating and seeking experiences through my eyes – and I’ve walked that in the blog ‘Lugubrious Romantic’ that you can read more about and the process of self correction for it, which I have been applying and was definitely cool to spot the point in such a specific way.

     

     

    So, I must say to Mr. T that I wholeheartedly disagree again with his statement, as it is reducing any actual ability for a human being to realize what giving and receiving in equality is and implies, and wrapping it up to nothing more than just another double-cheese burger to-go that can satiate the never ending quench for energy that we as human beings have denigrated ourselves to: nothing else but loveseeking fizzy bubbly machines to always seek for our next greatest excitement (energy) – yet neglecting any actual understanding of what it would actually mean to be a ‘giver’ in reality. Instead of smiles becoming an actual expression in the moment as self, they became just another way to cope with my reality of which I was extremely fearful of, constantly, almost paranoid at times – which was also enhanced by the delirium that ‘I am this benevolent being in a world of tyrants and mean people’ – so a lot of fabricated delusions can be played out in a single fleeting moment of smiling to a stranger. Some can even understand ‘SEX’?’ and get the message entirely wrong – you never know what gestures imply as they have also become a part of the deceptive means to ‘imply’ things without having the courage to speak about them up front. I speak for myself when I say that, and have walked that specifically as I realize how we fear actually being willing to communicate openly and in self honesty, which is how the infamous ‘misunderstandings’ emerge as a way to confuse us even further from the initial point wherein we sought some sense of recognition and comfort – a single smile.

     

    Another fact is that when reading that quote at first me as ‘marlen-value’ pointed it out toward sex: ‘you are a giver’ as in you are satisfying someone else’s senses – which is like giving entry to someone for sex. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the very mind that has perpetuated the sexualization of society with single statements that I usually associate to the ‘double-meanings’ that I was so used to understanding when hearing words and linking them toward sex – thus I realize that the solution is stopping sexualizing what should be an unconditional expression in the moment such as openly smiling with no fear, no holding back. Once again, this is to expose how ‘positive feeling’ are always linked to two things – or three: sex, money and god/ religion which is kind of the same as it can turn into a rather sexualized experience that is now comfortably understood as ‘religious experience.’

     

    Therefore, this is another reason why light and love will lead you to fluffy deliriums about reality wherein the actual physical giving to another being in the name of Equal-consideration of who we are as one and equals, is pulverized to a ‘cosmic spark’ of smiling at others and believing yourself to already be a ‘good doer’ in this world. Absolutely unacceptable as we have billions indulging in this positive bullshit that is polluting the airwaves with mantras of enlightenment while poverty, famine and sexual exploitation increase every moment that a single person decides to smile in the name of that inner personal satisfaction as the illusion of who we are as energy bodies that will ascend ‘higher and higher’ some day, as we treat each other ‘with Love’ which is the mask of fear that we portray in order to avoid facing our reality: unless we establish a system of life that supports all living beings equally, no matter how many smiles we exert to strangers: NOTHING will change.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smile as a way to mask the actual fear that I experience toward people while walking on the streets. I realize that this is not necessary to do if I stop the fear itself within my mind, as it is only stopping the initial thought of ‘I fear people’ and instead, realizing that smiling at others will create no difference whatsoever within a being’s reality, as well as within myself.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word ‘giver’ with sexual connotations wherein I have become the very mind that sexualizes reality and all gestures and movements ‘must be’ related to sex, as I have deemed this to be the only thing that moves humanity – and even if it’s so, I realize that there are more points to debunk in relation to judging it, instead of actually walking a process to support myself and others to stop only creating the usual ‘curiosity’ and ‘double sense’ that implies a sexual context within my mind, wherein I am becoming part of the entire mechanism that uses sex as a means to obtain energy, instead of realizing sex as an actual physical experience that must be part of our education within this world in order to stop profiting from it as a means to make it seem ‘secretive’ and within that, stirring thoughts that will propitiate sexual obsessions with no practical and physical support to assist myself and others to realize that: we have vandalized sex and any other sexual suggestion to only being an energetically mind-driven mechanism to make ourselves ‘feel good’ as in obtaining that positive rush within ourselves, while actually neglecting and even not knowing what real physical sex and experiences would imply.

     

    I commit myself to expose positive attitudes as the actual mask of fear to perpetuate control and the desire to manipulate/ have power  over others, wherein all things LOVE are actually stemming from fear, fear of loss and the sense of ‘lacking’ wherein we, human beings, believed that we always required to be ‘loving’ in order to feel satisfied and fulfilled, never realizing that it is within this acceptance of ‘love’ as something ‘good,’ that we have blinded ourselves from reality wherein the actual TRUTH of ourselves is seen in every kid that is starving and pondering: why on Earth do these people ‘rejoice’ in love while I am left to simply die? What do they call ‘giving’ then?

     

    I commit myself to expose the positive, love and light  lies as excuses to keep ourselves bound to a single ‘streamline’ of ‘positive thinking’ and believing that in doing so, any form of change is being conducted in reality – thus exposing the actual GIVING and RECEIVING that must be a process of education as a new way of living called Neighborism that we are all able to begin walking as a individual self-honest process that we all can and must, actually, as our point of Self Responsibility conduct in our every day living to ensure that we in-fact change human nature into a real love-giving being that considers ALL beings in equality and creates the Equal Money System as the way to promote actual feasible GIVING and Receiving solutions that contemplate the physical interdependence of all organisms/ beings in order to live in Equality as Life.

     

    We must realize that as long as we don’t the basic points to live in dignity as a guarantee in our reality, we’ll continue seeking fleeting answers to a reality – such as positivity, law of attraction, smiling, giving hugs for free, seeking peace, meditating, chanting, dancing, reciting mantras, the bible, talking to god and any other schizophrenic attempt to ‘do good,’ reality will continue to be obliterated in every second that we continue seeking our personal satisfaction instead of actually dedicating ourselves to establish our own Equality as life and bringing some actual justice on Earth by our own hands.

     

    Investigate Desteni, the Equal Money System and us Destonians in our Journey to Life wherein we are finally breaking the spells upon creation, exposing the light and lover addiction for the sexual innuendo that is currently plying out – most of the times -and instead educating society to realize that everything that moves us is sex and money, and a self-seeking desire to attain ‘god’ as the ultimate reward for whatever ‘good deeds’ we’ve perceived ourselves to accumulate with smiling at people.

     

    Sunette Spies – The Genuine Smile Of Laughter

     

    Sonrisa

    ‘Sonrisa’ 2004

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    27. It’s always only been me

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify everything and everyone I see with my eyes with a particular judgment that will allow me to believe that ‘I know it/ know them’ when in fact, all that I have been always been looking at is only a picture that I define and categorize within my mind according to the value schemes that I have created toward everything/ everyone at a face value, not realizing that everything I see is the reflection of my own mind as judgments, ideas, beliefs or perceptions wherein the moment that I impose this idea/ belief/ judgment onto others, I am becoming my own dictator over reality as I have not even allowed myself to get to know me as my own mind, and I have dared to judge and pretend that I know others just by a single glance at them.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to cultivate this idea within me as a child of being apparently able to ‘know what a person is all about’ just by looking at them, when in fact it was just me creating the idea/ belief and perception of such person through my own eyes

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was always ‘right’ when it came to the visual judgments that I would create onto others in order to identify ‘what they’re all about,’ wherein I never realized how I was becoming the very judge, dictator and boundary to actually get to know another, simply because of becoming my own selective-color function, wherein all colors as people/ personalities that I ‘didn’t like,’ I would not bother to talk to/ get to know simply because of deeming them as ‘not compatible’ with myself, which was only following the judgment at a face value of ‘who another is’ which is always only me reflecting my own value-scheme toward everything and everyone as separate from me.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an elitist in my own mind wherein I would only be open and friendly toward people that at face value I would deem would be ‘similar to me’ or that I would be able to get along with, simply because of the image that I would perceive them to be, be recorded/ assessed as part of the people that are ‘cool’ and that I would like to communicate with/ get to know, while doing the exact opposite toward people that at face value I would judge as incompatible with myself, not being ‘in the same realm,’ and in that becoming the very separator that fuels the current existence wherein while standing divided in our personal-religions as self-image and constantly projecting judgments onto each other, we become absentees of the physical reality, wherein all that we have cared for is how we look/ how we present ourselves to then try and manipulate ‘how others will see us,’ which is all based in keeping track of my own ego as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, a simply and image.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be perceived as simplistic by how I look, without realizing that in this I am still wanting and expecting to be ‘judged by others,’ instead of simply becoming the point that stops judging myself, creating judgments in my mind and projecting them to everything/ everyone wherein I have been constantly expecting to be judge because  have become the very perpetual judge myself toward me and all that I have deemed is separate from myself.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint an energetic experience of superiority every time that I could have the ability to judge another for ‘who they are’ and assessing whether I see myself as superior or inferior toward the judgment that I create of the, wherein I would then act accordingly toward them. This implies an automated experience hen being with people, regardless of them being close acquaintances or simply people in public places, which implies that I have become the very judge of my reality in separation of myself for the sake of constantly being assessing me as a certain ‘value’ in comparison to others.

    When and as as I see myself assessing others to ponder whether I am ‘more’ or ‘less’ than others according to the judgments I project onto them that actually stem from myself and my mind only – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to stop the judgments in the moment and focus on the physical reality to simply breathe and continue moving/ walking and directing myself in the physical reality.

     

    I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to become angry at people that I would deem as ‘judgmental,’ without realizing that I had become the very epitome of judgment in its full splendor simply because of being able to judge another with the very same application that I was existing as in that very moment, which is the proof that when I am in my mind, I am always justifying my judgments and assessments as ‘acceptable,’ without ever really seeing that I was only playing out the secret judge in order to ‘be in control’ of my environment, seeking to be always ‘guarding’ myself toward potential beings that could be ‘judging myself, which indicates the level of my self-created paranoia toward others beings being constantly judging me, which was always only me judging myself at all times.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever become absolutely freaked out by people staring at me, because of me believing that they were judging me/ lusting at my image when in fact, it was all self-created as an idea that I have created of myself as a picture that can be infinitely judged and lusted upon, which has become an ingrained aspect of constantly ‘guarding myself’ from ‘potential judges’ which are mostly men that I have created a pattern of rejection and arrogance toward whenever I have believed that they are only judging me and lusting over my body.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become deliberately hostile, rude, laconic toward beings that I would perceive and believe to be judging me, when in fact I was only hearing to the backchat in my head that eventually would become my experience toward such beings, believing that ‘I was always right’ in thinking that they were judging me, when in fact several times I got to prove myself wrong, giving myself a slap on the face with a white glove, simply because I would then be faced with the remorse and regret of having judged someone based on my own value-schemes, which had prevented me from communicating with the beings. And when I was actually able to communicate with them, I would realize that I had simply been ‘wrong’ and ‘mean’ toward them for no reason, really.

     

    So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always had to ‘assess a being’ to see  how I would behave toward them, which would be a usual ‘application-mode’ when meeting people such as ‘assessing them in my mind, ‘ to then see ‘what they’re all about,’ and then deciding who I am going to be toward them, wherein I would deliberately camouflage myself to fit the moment/ event/ person/ situation to mirror my own judgments toward such people, which meant that I would be limiting ‘who I am’ to a single judgment/ definition of how I perceive others to be, never realizing that it was Never about ‘them’ but always about me and how I would become the very judgments that I projected onto others, simply because of believing that ‘like attracts like, ‘ and in that manipulate the situation according to a desired outcome of being ‘attractive’ for others or existing as the exact opposite, all in the name of taking my ego for a ride of self-gratification by either adulation or rejection, reducing my life experience to being a constant on and off, in and out, good and bad, happy or dismal, fulfilled or unfulfilled, while always having missed the constancy and consistency that my physical body would grant myself with in every moment that it would endure my constant existence of self-judgment.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the game in society wherein according to what you wear, you become a character that is able to get along with similar characters, even when perceiving that I could have a no-image/ no –character simply because of within my mind, existing within this idea that I am the clothes that I wear and that I still want to portray myself in a certain image that can be identified as a particular definition that can suit in other’s minds as someone that looks always the same.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what I wear as a projection of the image-based idea of simplicity, when in fact I am simply caging myself yet into another idea of ‘me being the clothes that I wear,’ because this would apparently allow me to be judged by others as ‘simple/ always looking the same’ according to the clothes that I wear.

     

    I realize that the fact that I wear similar clothes simplifies my every day living wherein the focus is on how I experience myself within the clothes that I wear  – if they are physically supportive or not – instead of seeing them as part of the image that I define myself as and how I want to be seen by others, which is still existing as a point of expected judgment according to how others see me.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever discriminate/ judge/ diminish people for what I would deem as a hideous attitude when in fact, all that I was judging was myself as a hideous attitude that I would actually become myself the very moment that I would dare to judge another as a ‘hideous person.’

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a self-righteous person when it came to judging people/ assessing/ profiling others wherein I believed that ‘I as always right,’ which comes from the ingrained belief that I could in fact have some type of ‘gift’ that n no one else had when it came to being able to assess other beings’ life according to being 15 minutes in their house, hearing them speak, move, seeing what they wear, what they own, how they interact with others, wherein I would then create a definitive assessment of ‘who they are/ what they are all about,’ which now that I see, would usually end with perceiving most of the people to be just ‘fake’ and ‘hypocritical’ without realizing that I was the only critic and judge in that moment.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sugar coat this automated judgment as ‘constructive criticism’ wherein I believed that through identifying someone’s flaws and strengths I was actually doing something ‘constructive’ in any way whatsoever, without realizing that such judgments can only exist within my own mind according to how I value and asses something/ someone according to my own mind-schemes of values acquired through a particular lifetime experience.

    This means that any process of deliberating what is more valuable/ worthy within this reality and what is not, is essentially creating a world of further separation wherein we’ve got lost in categories, values, worth, seeking to be accepted and valuable at the eyes of others, never realizing that any ‘opinion’ or judgment created by another was only stemming from themselves as a reflection of their own mind – which implies that I have only been staring back at me every time that I tried to make a judgment about anything/ anyone.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that by seeing everything in a beautiful manner = I would create beauty and happiness in my world, without realizing that I actually did create such experience not as an actuality, as an inherent property of the world being that of positivity/ beauty/ magnificence – but it only became a self-created projection as a mind-possession wherein in this desperate desire to seek for beauty/ and the experience of being ‘alive,’ I became my own positive-seeking demon, wherein I believed that things would happen to me ‘for a reason’ and that I was being rewarded by some ulterior forces because of being constantly seeking to see the bright side of the world, without ever pondering if I had only simply been the creator of such experiences within my own mind, without any actual manifestation of ‘beauty’ or ‘aliveness’ existing as an actual property of the beingness of  beings/ things in my reality.

     

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that every time that I judged someone as hypocrite, it was me existing as hypocrisy staring back at me, as a judgment of my own mind that I created and used to project onto others in a form of superiority as in ‘knowing better’ and believing myself to be ‘not hypocrite’ because ‘I’ was the one that was able to ‘spot’ hypocrisy on others.

    I realize that this unnecessary cycle of self judgment can be stopped when and as I see myself looking at another and perceiving them as ‘hypocrite’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only reflecting my own mind at another and that obstructs my ability to communicate and interact with another without any preconceived idea of ‘who they are’ based on ‘what they look like.’

     

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that every time that I perceived and judged another as ‘hostile,’ I was in fact simply reflecting my own hostility toward others, wherein I would reflect back that hostility as my own judgment staring back at me – this means that I would become the very judgment that I would project onto others/ or act out the exact opposite, such as deliberately being more friendly/ warm as per personality definition according to the situation I was in.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always become the judgment that I would project onto others in my mind, wherein I would be the actual cause of the perceived ‘communication gone wrong,’ wherein I would create an entire inner experience of being ‘misunderstood,’ without realizing that I had secretly projected a judgment toward another such as being ‘hostile,’ and as a response, I would become hostile myself and ‘shaping it’ into ‘my own personality’ which was that of self-victimization as in ‘being misunderstood’ when communicating with another.

     

    When and as I see myself judging another as being hostile toward me – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am simply reflecting back that which I am existing as in the moment of judging another, regardless of the ‘shade of judgment,’ I see, realize and understand that in order to stand one and equal to all and everything, I have to stop any automated judgment to exist within my own mind. I direct myself to continue participating in the physical moment without assessing the event further in my mind.

     

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that whenever I judged another as being probably ‘bored’ with me, it was me reflecting back what I was judging myself as in the moment, wherein through projecting my own judgment in my secret mind and not communicating about it, I would become that boredom and fedupness myself, wherein I would then be existing in an energetic possession of ‘boredom’ and ‘dullness’ that would set the tone for the moment when and while being with another, which would cause the entire point of communication to be non existent and into what I had perceived as an uncomfortable silence, while resorting to distract myself with any other picture/ image in my environment to shove away the experience.

     

    When and as I see myself projecting the judgment toward others as ‘them being bored with me,’  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am in fact only projecting that which I am judging myself for, wherein through a process of becoming such judgment, I have in fact been the creator of my experience toward others, without having ever taken responsibility for it and instead, remain in the usual self-victimized state wherein I could remain secretly blaming another for what I would experience within me as a result of my own mind projection.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use what I see as a vice of self-judgment, wherein I believed that I had the ability to judge what is good/ bad, beautiful/ ugly, magnificent/ hideous and in that, becoming my own dictator that would create my experience toward everything/ everyone according to How I have judged others/ everything ‘outside of myself,’ instead of realizing that I am able to stand one and equal toward everything/ everyone by stopping all judgments and focusing on the physical reality that I am participating in the moment.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the image I see of myself in the mirror, which is only a reflection at a mind level of who I really am

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the image that I see on the mirror believing that an image is all that I exist as, when in fact this is what I have accepted and allowed everyone and everything else to be diminished to within my mind.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as a set of preferences according to the pictures I see in reality, diminishing my beingness here in the moment of breath to become a single definition of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, now that I see and realize that everything that I have always perceived/ judged and defined ‘others/everything’ outside of myself has only been me defining myself.

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that my believed ability to see another being’s nature by looking at them in one glance was only me looking at myself as my own mind.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that by me ‘judging people first’ before ‘them,’ I would take a certain advantage toward others wherein ‘I’ could be ahead of them/ superior to them/ faster than them in being able to judge myself – within this I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to believe me to be faster/ more ‘aware’ of people and the environment wherein I would be immediately assessing ‘who I would be’ according to how I had judged the person, the place, the environment, the situation in order for me to achieve the expected outcome, wherein ‘I’ could always win and get things done the way that I wanted.

     

    I realize that I have only been always looking back at me, which implies that for me to be able to stand one and equal as my mind, as everyone and everything else, I must stop existing as a constant judge within my mind, wherein I make sure that I become the point that stops all values, assessments, perceptions that create further separation from myself being able to exist here as the constancy and consistency of the physical which doesn’t require to be judged in order to exist.

     

    I commit myself to continue stopping any automated judgments onto people in order to be able to walk here in the world wherein no judgment as thought, energetic experience toward anything/ anyone is created which would indicate that I simply shifted into my mind to ‘think’ about reality/ the situation instead of simply living it.

     

    I commit myself to stop believing that I have any special ability to assess people and ‘know them’ without even talking to them, just by face value, which I deemed as a ‘positive trait’ within me, without realizing that such characteristic is as flimsy as any other belief that I know and realize are not real, and that I have only been the creator of myself as this secret judge at all times, wherein I believe that ‘how I see people,’ is ‘who the are,’ in that in fact only becoming someone that fears being judged because of  me having existed as this constant judge myself toward me and everyone, now realizing that it’s always been me.

     

    I commit myself to take back to self any judgment that I do see emerges in the moment to get to see how I created it and  practically walk it through writing, applying self-forgiveness for accepting and allowing such point of separation to exist within me and walk the necessary correction according to the realization that in order for me to stand here as one and equal, no point of judgment as separation can exist, for I don’t require to judge to breathe.

     

    Share with us at the Desteni Forum and walk the process of ‘Man know thyself’ to eventually stop existing as knowledge and become the living word.

     

     

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    Check out Joao Jesus’ song: Who am I? and smooth your life for a moment.


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