Tag Archives: parental advisory

111. ‘Why aren’t you normal?’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept a belief within me about there being something ‘off’ within my behavior because of being called crazy and ‘not a normal girl,’ which I then took as a point of pride because it would make me feel at least ‘special’ in a way, which then turned into an excuse to play out a character that would essentially justify any decision in life based on having been dubbed ‘crazy,’ hence taking such belief as myself as ‘who I am’ and making myself embody/ become it to the best of my possibility, so as to spite anyone that had called me that way.

 

When and as I see myself judging my expression because of thinking that ‘I am not being normal,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I’m acting out of the past according to a single label as ‘the crazy one’ that I believed is/was ‘who I am,’ which I used in order to make myself ‘honor’ the label and as such remain only as an ‘out of the ordinary’ character as a basic ‘eccentric personality’  which is how I realize that we become that which others believe ourselves to be just by giving us a single label and us taking such label as ‘real,’ when in fact it has nothing to do with who I really am here as a physical breathing living being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I didn’t have to apply self forgiveness for a point that I had deemed as ‘petty’ to consider walking in self-forgiveness, without realizing that it is in the small things that I created entire personalities linked to being called ‘crazy’ and ‘abnormal,’ which I mostly took as a point of inferiority  that I converted into a superiority point in order to ‘spite’ the people that had called me crazy or abnormal while growing up, without realizing how such ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ standards were created by parents that would only deem certain characters to be ‘acceptable,’ as such characters would lead to securing a financial future for the child when growing up, as sociable and charismatic people tend to ‘make it’ in the world of business and social relationships that lead to having lots of money – apparently.

 

When and as I see myself considering certain points of Self Forgiveness as ‘petty’ to apply Self-Forgiveness for, I stop and I breathe – I realize that we as the mind tend to make these points ‘less’ in order to keep our entire characters in place. Thus I open up the point and walk the necessary corrections in order to see and realize ‘who I am’ at the moment in relation to such perceived ‘petty’ point.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a child fear being judged by others for not speaking, for not wanting to have friends and communicate with other kids , creating several tantrums whenever my mother wanted me to ‘team me up’ with other kids to play, just because I didn’t want to do it – thus creating an entire reaction every time that there was a kid in a social-situation wherein I believed that I had to then socialize with them just because ‘we were kids.’ I would become absolutely fearful of having another kid in the same situation because I knew that the ‘grown ups’ would team us up to play and get along together, but I didn’t want to because I always wanted to be a ‘grown up’ in those moments – hence being called by my mother as being ‘ugly’ because I would not want to communicate and interact with other kids.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am in fact being ‘antisocial’ for not wanting to communicate and speak, I stop and I breathe- I realize that this is a condition that I acquired from when I was a child and my mother would force me to interact with people – grownups and children – using subtle threats for me to do so, which would make me fearful of ‘what would happen’ if I didn’t want to interact with other children.

 

I realize that in my mind I’ve made of my mother ‘the ogre’ in my life, blaming her for my own experience however it was really me that accepted and allowed such self-victimization in order to always be alone and always have things working my way as that would make me feel like special in my ‘not belonging’ ideas.

 

I realize that at the moment any point o barrier to communicate with another can only exist if I hold a judgment toward myself and another being – yet I am not defined by ‘who I have been’ in relation to communication and my apparent reservedness as a child.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into absolute fear and anxiety every time that we as a family when I was a child go into a social reunion and there was a table specially for kids, and I would simply be wishing and hoping that I would not be forced to sit along with the other kids, simply because of me always wanting to be with the adults, because of believing that I had ‘more in common’ with the adults which is a belief that I held throughout my life in order to feel ‘special’ about myself and not being like all the other kids. Yet because I would not communicate about this, I would only create a point of friction with my mother because of her judging me for not wanting to be with other kids.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have ‘more in common’ with adults/ older people than me nowadays, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am acting out of the memory of childhood wherein I would always prefer to be with ‘older people’ than kids my age, simply because of believing myself to be a ‘special kid’ that was ‘very mature’ for her age and within that, making all other kids and younger kids as ‘less than me,’ which is what plays out as a point of judgment and comparison toward other beings in relation to ‘who they are’ as their age. Thus I see and realize that a being is not an age, is not a cultural background or even popular-culture associations that I can use to ‘get along with,’ but a single being that is also part of this world and as such what we have in common is being part of the human race that lives and coexists in the same planet – I do not require some point of ‘affinity’ toward others in order to establish communication.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a child to go upstairs into my room whenever my mother was attempting to get me to play with other kids, which I absolutely rejected because of believing and perceiving that ‘I was not a normal child’ and as such, I would not want to play ‘childish games,’ but I wanted to be talking to grown ups or watching MTV which is how I created myself as an ‘anti-social person’ that would not get along with people her age for several years until I allowed myself to ‘be a child’ again.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be older in order to like the type of music that I was listening to when I was 7 years old, which my cousins/kids used to judge me for, saying that I was not a ‘normal child’ because of watching MTV instead of cartoons.

 

When and as I see myself creating a point of separation toward people based on the age group they belong to and believing that ‘I’d rather be talking to older people that I can relate to’ is in fact me speaking from the character of ‘I only get along with grown ups and not younger people’ based on the idea of ‘I am more mature than others.’ Thus I breathe, I stop and direct myself to communicate with others without taking into consideration their gender, sex or nationality – all beings equal and one here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something profoundly wrong within me for not wanting to play with other kids, often getting to the point of crying because of not wanting to do it, because of not wanting to be forced to do it – therefore creating this anxiety in social events such as parties and so forth because of having gotten stuck with the belief that I would have to be socializing with other kids ‘whether I liked it or not,’ which is how I would mostly remain sitting at the table, because going outside would imply kids wanting me to play with them and I didn’t want that.

 

When and as I see myself still triggering any form of experience when going to a social event/ situation and having a fear of ‘having to socialize’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am acting out of the memory of having ‘loathed’ to socialize with others and the distress that I would create whenever I was forced to do so – thus I direct myself to simply remain here as breath and when and if the opportunity to speak arises, I speak, I share, I communicate – yet I do not judge myself for not speaking either, as I realize that any belief of ‘having to socialize’ was imposed as a parental order that I simply complied to out of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start avoiding social interactions based on the premise and memory of my mother pushing me/ forcing me to socialize with other kids, simply because I would not want to do it ‘by myself’ apparently – yet deep inside me I was only wanting to be self-directive to do it ‘on my own,’ which is how I would always react whenever my parents wanted to ‘do things for me’ such as hooking me up with friends to socialize with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create  a notorious preference to only want to socialize with ‘my best friends’ from school and seeing everyone else as ‘less than’ my friends – which is how I would mostly deem that I had nothing to do with other kids, leading me to simply remain alone and wanting to go home to be alone, wherein I would not be ‘disturbed’ by others, which is essentially not being challenged to step out of the rigid preferential character that I developed as a child, wherein I became an elitist from an early age because of only wanting to ‘socialize’ with kids that ‘I liked’/ my best friends – and making everyone else just less than and annoying, therefore developing a character that would only have ‘few friends’ that I would be able to fully express myself with, reducing such friends to one or two people in my world that would support my judgments toward the idea of being with ‘too many people’ and/ or being deliberately apathetic in social situations, wherein I would sometimes push myself to go just because of not wanting to be judged again as ‘the hermit’ and  ‘the weird odd one that never goes out’

 

When and as I see myself wanting to go ‘go home’ whenever I am in a social situation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I made of ‘my home’ my safe heaven to not have to challenge my ‘rigid patterns’ as characters that I have believed can be influenced if I am ‘too exposed’ to the world. Thus I direct myself to move and open myself up with others without any form of prejudice toward doing so, as I see and realize that it is only through communicating and sharing with others indiscriminately that we can actually establish an equal and one recognition of who we are as physical beings in this world, and as such learn how to coexist in a way wherein our characters do not interfere in our communication, but stick to physical practical common sense at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when being silent among others, as I see,  realize  and understand that these are essentially beliefs that I created about a ‘social context/ situation’ as a place where I had to speak no matter what by force, thus creating a general negative experience whenever I attended any form of party and not really enjoying it because of being fearing having to socialize with other kids and play games and ‘act childish’ which I judged as ‘inferior’ for my age – even though in reality I was in fact an infant.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am being judged for being silent, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I grew up with the belief that whenever I was with other beings I had to be talking in order to be sociable and ‘charismatic,’ without realizing that this is just a belief system and that there is no need for me to be constantly speaking in order to be accepted and judged as ‘normal’ by others.

 

I realize that I would have not created such a fear to speak as a child if I had not been pushed and deliberately to do so, which is how it only became a way for me to ‘go against’ my mother, as part of that ‘opposition’ I developed against ‘her rules,’ which is how I see and realize that it was mostly a rebellious pattern that I took as ‘who I am’ toward others, and believing myself to be anti social, without realizing that if I had been left to socialize ‘at my own pace,’ I would not have created such a friction and resistance to do so, simply because we tend to oppose and go against that which we are forced to do by our parents. Thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having judged myself and gotten even angry for me not being able to understand why I was so reluctant to get along with other kids, becoming essentially a hermit by choice and having this memory of me being in a party at my house and just going upstairs and locking myself into my room because of not wanting to play with other kids. My mother came eventually came in and got very angry at me because I didn’t want to participate with other kids, thus beginning crying and not being able to understand why I disliked being with other kids, why I resisted getting along with other kids  and why my mother would be so infuriated about me not socializing. I realize that I would react because of it being an imposition and not a point of self-directed expression, which is how I developed myself to be a loner or a person with ‘few friends.’ What I would then believe and do is simply oppose and distance myself from any person that in my mind ‘at the eyes of my mother’ would be a ‘suitable friend,’  just because of keeping that point of opposition and friction toward my mother at all cost, which is how I developed a personality that would go against what I perceived were ‘her parameters’ and expectations’ toward me – and choosing people as friends and relationships that I knew would not be fully accepted by her, which all came as a point of spitefulness from the times when I was a child and being forced to interact with other kids.

 

When and as I see myself going into any form of ‘down’ experience because of apparently not being able to ‘relate’ to others in a social context, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just stemming from the past memories of me being forced to socialize wherein I would then believe there was something ‘abnormal’ within me for not wanting to play with other kids. I direct myself  to simply be in the moment and taking to people as who they are in the moment and realizing that I do not have to speak all the time, yet I do not have to go and hide either as I realize that the moments when and as I see myself wanting to ‘get out’/ ‘get away’/ ‘go to my room/house’ is in fact a character taking place wherein I am believing myself to ‘not have anything to do’ with the context in the moment.

 

Thus I ensure that whenever I decide to remain quiet, I do so from the starting point of being here as breath – and whenever I see myself wanting to go to my room, it is an actual self-directive decision in self honesty and not stemming from backchat of inadequacy in particular social contexts such as parties/ reunions and events with more than the usual people in my environment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid or even reject looking at myself as ‘antisocial’ because of believing myself Not to be so – yet by resisting it, it is implying that I am in fact fearing labeling myself as antisocial, without realizing that I don’t have to be ANY label at all, as all that I am is here as a physical being that in no way is defined by a single label denoting an aspect of myself that was created out of an imposition/ fear by parents or society in general.

 

I realize that I decide who I am in every moment when and while being interacting with other beings, and I ensure that I am not defining ‘who I am’ in every moment as in seeing ‘which character am I playing?’ in a social context – I direct myself to remain breathing and participating/ communicating and not considering ‘who I am supposed to be’ within such situations.

 

I commit myself to expose how when parents force their children to socialize, children develop the opposite pattern as the friction created by instigating communication through force is definitely something that remains as a ‘grudge’ within the child, developing anti-social patterns just because of parents always wanting kids to be and do ‘positive things,’ which is actually stemming from the fear of kids being – in this case – antisocial.

 

I commit myself to remain silent if I see and realize that I am here breathing and that I do not require to be talking all the time in order to exist.

 

I commit myself to expose how children are indoctrinated to be ‘optimum’ within the social standards that regard ‘sociable kids’ as charismatic, happy and joyful as people that will grow up to develop proper social relationships in order to make money and survive in this world. Thus I see and realize how as children we are immediately being wrought in order to become ‘good social material’ in order to ensure our own survival in a world where ‘sociable people’ make the most money because they are ‘positively charged’ and this is what ‘the system likes,’ never considering what such impositions have created upon a child. Thus children in an Equal Money System will never have to be and become subject and or forced to act in a particular way to ensure their survival as money will be given to all to have a dignified life from birth to death, which will enable real expression to develop within children and adults once that we stop binding each other to ‘social norms’ that lead to a ‘successful living.’

 

 

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Reptilians – How the Physical became the Mind (Part 2) – Part 77
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108. ‘Like Father, Like Son’

Equalizing communication by letting go of the fear to point out the patterns that we have cycled ourselves as from generation to generation through communicating about it, explaining how we have practically assisted ourselves  to no longer comply to what we have deemed as ‘fuckedup irreversible inherited patterns’ that we would only ‘cope with’ throughout our lives, trying to find some kind of pride through living them out in and throughout our lives.

 

This is a situation that has actually occurred again recently wherein I am having a meal with my parents and my father’s anger comes up as a point to discuss about – the point I am self forgiving is the time when I gave into his reactions when opening up the point to eventually comply to the fear of ‘hurting him’ or being ‘too harsh’ in the moment, which was essentially giving into the mind to ‘smooth things out,’ instead of realizing how I was in fact able and capable of supporting myself to breakthrough the fears and be self-directive in the moment.

However just a week ago I saw my parents and the exact same event took place and this time I was able to break-through the points and get an actual confirmation of it being beneficial for him this time, which is definitely cool.

 

So this is to self-forgive the past to ensure I do not step again on it ever again as I see and realize that we can in fact break the chains of the past by standing immovable as one single point: communicating here as breath, in common sense, not giving into reactions but continuing constant and consistent as breath itself within what we are conveying to another.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define a point of congeniality with another such as ‘my father’ based on both of us playing out the exact same characters wherein were are in essence defining ‘who we are’ according to being irritable, which I would take as something to be ‘proud’ of, never even considering how in this very acceptance of myself being equal to a father-pattern is in fact the cycles of abuse that must be stopped no matter what.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever take ‘pride’ in being/ becoming like my father, which is essentially an incendiary person that would be known as an ‘angry person’ all the time and as such, creating a reputation of being friendly yet highly irritable if things don’t go my way –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative experience within me when I perceive that my father is not listening to me explaining why we must stop being simply angry with ourselves and toward the world, being easily ‘ignited’ by any little thing – without realizing that in this desire I am separating myself from simply sharing how I have supported myself, why I am supporting myself and as such, provide the very basic tools to do that for himself as well.

 

I realize that wanting to change another in order to stop our cycles of abuse, is imposition and it’s wanting to change others before doing this unconditionally for myself – therefore I can only share the path that I’ve walked as a means to show how it is absolutely able to be done and how we don’t have to condemn each other to just play out patterns from generation to generation, and instead learn how to support ourselves and others to do the same.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my father is not wanting to listen to me about stopping his anger and general instant-ignition with any point that may go wrong in his world, and accordingly start diminishing my expression wherein the moment I perceive that I am not being listened, I start considering that I must simply keep quiet and stop talking altogether.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a perceptual observation of him becoming pissed off and uncomfortable when being in a situation wherein we are directly talking about our anger patterns and as such, believing that I should stop talking just because he is becoming very uncomfortable with the entire situation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist getting myself and another into a seemingly ‘uncomfortable situation’ which is exposing each other’s patterns to take responsibility for them, without realizing that it is uncomfortable because we had never talked about these points before – therefore, I can continue pushing the point in common sense without being aggressive or too incisive, but instead realizing that we can only become aware of our points to correct by talking about it, by sharing and exposing them – therefore that it is not to be taken personally, but simply realized as points that we can now take responsibility for and walk in common sense.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in such a moment, change the topic in order for him to not go into an absolute lockdown of not speaking and remaining quiet, which is actually me ‘giving-up’ to continuing speaking about relevant points such as patterns that we have to take responsibility for, wherein the moment that I changed the topic, I gave into his mood, made it ‘my own’ and as such consider that I should not ‘spoil the time’ for him – which is giving-up self-direction and comply to my fear of ‘making him have a bad time’ or fearing making him feel uncomfortable, without realizing that we just had to continue expanding on the point to walk through the resistance and get to the core of it through establishing a proper back and forth communication.

 

An update is that I recently went through the same situation – restaurant, being with both my parents and my mother bringing up the point of anger again, and I proceeded to share myself, be directly and specifically pointing at the patterns with specific example that I’ve been able to walk for myself wherein I have clearly stopped going into the anger possession, and instead supporting myself to remain here as breath. This time, he did remain quiet, but listened carefully; I only had to bring his attention back to seeing me and not other tables once, which is quite a cool thing lol considering he’d be mostly looking around whenever we would open up the point. And, I got a message from my mother recently which is like a week after we met, and she said how he’s been doing much better now with his anger and that’s very cool – all I required to do is not allow his evasiveness in communication to affect me in the moment of speaking, but continuing being directive and share practical examples related to breathing, self forgiveness and realizing that every time that we give into anger, we are in essence abusing our physical body, consuming our physical substance in the name of exerting one single experience that is detrimental to all, which is anger. Therefore, I can say that I’ve walked this point into correction in a way, however it is to apply and live it with everyone else that we may notice are deliberately wanting to ignore a point of communication through ‘locking down,’ which implies that there are points that are not being willed to face in the moment –thus we share our practical examples of how we have gone through the same thing and how we have supported ourselves to eventually walk out of the pattern into self-correction.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess someone’s experience when communicating with them and beginning to worry about whether I am being too incisive, too frank, too direct, too harsh and within this giving into their self-generated experience as the mind in order for me to then go into a similar lockdown wherein I change the topic in order to remain within the ‘safety bounds’ of communication, which is actually further limiting our ability to actually transcend points by facing them in a moment of communication which is, according to what I have realized so far, the best way to support ourselves to face who we are and have become as our mind and as such, give ourselves the opportunity to establish ways to support ourselves, to correct ourselves and start living, as I see that this is the way to go in order to create a collective agreement as humanity to be and become human beings that care about life and are willing to stop perpetuating the cycles of the past as our ego, as our characters and personalities of self-limitation and degradation.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having felt compelled to stop talking to my father whenever I saw that our communication would lead to conflict or confrontation out of existing as ‘fear of conflict’ which has become one of the usual obstacles for ourselves to actually be vulnerable and communicate, because we would be so used to simply going up in flames = getting angry and not really supporting ourselves to face the pattern, realize the trigger points and establish solutions, but because we would always give into each other’s incendiary moods = we’d just give up communication and believe that there is no way we can sort this out and as such, simply giving up communication altogether, which is unacceptable as I see and realize that it is within this acceptance and allowance that we became characters supporting each other’s characters and as such, remain in a character world where we believed that communicating about our problems and finding solutions for them was simply ineffable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for ever having feared ‘ruining’ a moment with my father or anyone else when communicating due to exposing our mind, the pattern playing out wherein because of seeing others’ reactions, I’d also go into a lockdown wherein backchat emerges such as ‘I don’t want to continue speaking any longer either’ and essentially, giving up the communication, instead of actually walking through the conflict, point that is emerging and following through till we can both see the solution and get to a practical solution in order to establish ourselves as a self-directive being that will work with self’s own patterns, instead of taking it personal and just complying to making of a moment of communication a ‘frustration point’ between both parties with no resolution.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself thinking, believing and perceiving that I have ‘something in common’ with another based on playing out a similar character of self-limitation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that taking ‘pride’ in such aspects such as the saying ‘like father, like son’ is in fact the type of thinking that has gotten us to not move as humanity and actually changing into a best for all living realization as a process of self-correction, because we simply accepted our copied patterns from our parents as ‘who we are’ and believing that we had no power or say about it whatsoever, and we could only ‘deal with it’ and ‘cope’ with the inherited patterns, which is the same as accepting this entire world system of money as something that we could not ‘change’ at all, but only try and find ‘better ways to deal with it,’ which is unacceptable because it is in the very acceptance of this world as it is and of ourselves as ‘we are’ that we are simply running as finite cycles of fuckup patterns that in no way support life in equality at all.

 

Therefore I see that the practical way to identify our patterns in relation to our parents is talking them out and clearly sharing ourselves as the example of what is possible to correct and to stop within ourselves within a process of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application, wherein we can in fact make the decision to no longer be bound to ‘inherited patterns’ as a cross-to-bear, but instead taking such points/ patterns as self-corrective realizations that do require our will and decisive action to stop and walk into/ as a correction based on what is best for all.

 

When and as I see myself ever taking pride of any positive/ negative pattern inherited from my parents, I stop and I breathe – I realize that defining ‘who I am’ according to my parents is still limiting my expression and ability to live – thus I walk the patterns that I see and realize I have copied from my parents and ensure that who I am is standing here as a self-created being that can take points that are beneficial as part of one’s self-application, yet in no way define ‘who I am’ according to being someone’s daughter or having this particular ‘inheritance,’ but instead support me to realize that even if we have a certain predisposition to act and be in a particular ‘positive’ way, I require to be self-honest about my application within such traits and ensure that I am in fact aligning myself at all times as what’s best for all, instead of using it as a form of ‘superiority’ toward others.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to share myself based on a desire to change another, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I cannot possibly speak and communicate only from the starting point of ‘changing another,’ but that I have to in fact share my own process of self-realization about my own patterns and points that I am walking and taking self responsibility for, this is to ensure that who I am remains here clear, devoid of any secret agenda such as wanting to impose a change upon another, without such being making the decision for themselves based upon the evidence of what is possible to be and do, which is the example I am able to give and represent as being the living example of how it is absolutely plausible to stop ‘the sins of the fathers’ within ourselves and as such actually start living for the very first time in our reality.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to give into another’s ‘negative mood’ wherein I am perceiving a resistance to speak, talk and interact stemming from another, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the only way to actually walk through the resistance is opening up the communication about the resistance experienced in the first place, as that’s how we ensure that the backchat is exposed and we are thus able to stand ‘on the same level’ with any other being according to walking through a point of resistance from the get go.

 

When and as I see myself having the idea, belief and perception that ‘I should stop speaking because I am making another uncomfortable,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just another way for us to eventually keep ‘our mind as is’ wherein we are not supporting anyone but only the ego of the mind that takes things personally and creates any form of silent or outrageous tantrum as to not have to face our creation and our patterns in our face.

 

I direct myself to remain constant and consistent within and while communicating with another, without giving into another’s experience and as such, supporting me to instead find various ways of communicating that can be more ‘appealing’ to another to engage them into the communication as well.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘change the topic’ because of fearing conflict in a conversation/ point of communication – I stop and I breathe – I realize that within this fear of conflict I had in fact only secured my own ego and other’s ego, leaving them intact in order to not have to actually open up the points that we can talk about and discuss with each other as a form of self-support. I realize that we are perfectly able to support ourselves to see each other’s patterns, mirror ourselves on others wherein we can in fact start being and becoming self-supportive in any moment we have of interaction as I realize that I am able to decide from here on ‘who I am’ and ‘what I am’ in any given moment of interaction with others, wherein I have the ability to stop being just another compliant character and instead, show the way of how we can really communicate as equals, beyond any character such as father, daughter or any other role that we may wear toward particular human beings, as I realize that change begins within me, and as such, I am the only one able to set the first stone in any given moment to establish a point of communication in equality and common sense, no matter ‘who it is/ was’ in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself taking another’s reactions into consideration as a point to define my own communication and words to them as going into self-suppression, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to communicate with another without having to diminish or lower my voice or ‘change my attitude’ into suppression just to not make them uncomfortable – as I realize that we have built a world wherein because of this fear of making another uncomfortable because of exposing ourselves as who we are as the mind, we rather ‘play safe’ in our communication which is how we have maintained a system of abuse in a blind acceptance and allowance, because we never dared to speak up and expose the patterns that we had accepted and allowed as ‘who we are’ without a question, which is what is relevant to expose and share now that we are able to see and realize how we are the creators of this world and as such, it is ourselves that must take the responsibility to ensure we are no longer perpetuating the limitations of the past, but instead become self directive beings that are willing to support themselves to step out of the self-accepted lie as a character that only ‘plays safe’ in communication.

 

I commit myself to challenge myself and others within communication in common sense, In means of exposing our own ‘reservedness’ as an actual fear of conflict and eventual ‘lockdown’ that we use to defend ourselves whenever we feel the ‘tide is too high,’ without realizing that in such point we are in essence complying to each other’s character an not doing anything about it. This must stop and it begins within and as ourselves.

 

When and as I see myself fearing ‘ruining’ a moment for another due to the topics and/ or point of communication that I am brining up, I stop and I breathe. I realize that whenever I have feared confrontation and/ or conflict, I end up being frustrated myself because of having complied to a mind that limits itself and within that missing out the opportunity to support myself to transcend and walk-through the fear of being ‘imposing myself onto other,’ which is not so in fact when all that I can do in reality is speak, share/ communicate with another in order to bring up points that will be up for them to either take or leave, as I realize that I cannot change anyone – however I can definitely present the practical solutions to walk a point into/ as self-correction.

 

Therefore, I realize that I can use any moment of communication with another as a window of opportunity to share myself, my process and what I am currently being/ doing with and as myself, without any limitation as I see and realize that if communication is based on common sense and sharing myself as the moment, what I am at the moment is walking process, walking my own self-correction and as such communication will invariably be about it, which Is very cool as this is an opportunity we all have to expand ourselves: sharing ourselves as our process without creating a need or want or desire to ‘change another,’ but simply sharing with others what is possible to be and become once that we stand as equals to ourselves as our mind, once that we get to know ourselves as our mind and as such learn how it is possible to go changing the way we live in this world one by one, no matter ‘who’ we are toward one another, self-honesty as the realization of who we are as one and equal comes first at all times.

 

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103. Being efficient out of Fear!

This is a continuation of the past post:

102: Communication Noise: Parental Communication

This is to see how an entire character was formed from participating in a positive polarity toward everything that I would do with my father, whereas I would judge as negative everything that I would do with my mother. Hence all attributes that I saw within my father in my mind became ‘the positive’ to experience whereas everything related to mother became ‘the negative’ that I had to ensure I would not become equal to, as that would mean being essentially ineffective to live in the system of money. Yes, sir, fear of survival as a childhood imprint in such a seemingly ‘innocent’ event such as going to the supermarket. 

Here I walk the memory of how I would generally experience myself throughout an entire event – going to the supermarket alone with my father – which I have stored as a positive experience due to the sense of ‘liberation’ that I would get from being able to do things ‘fast and accurate’ with my father, wherein the ‘slowness’ of my mother would not tamper our hyper-act of buying as if there was something/ someone chasing after us.

 

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say ‘yes’ to do something based on a memory of doing that something being generally fun and a time to spend with my father alone, which I had identified as a cool opportunity to do things fast which I have associated with something positive in my life

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am enjoying a moment with my father based on doing things that are generally things that we would not do if we were going out with my mother as well, which means that all my starting point of enjoying a moment with my father is based on doing everything that my mother would apparently not allow us to do such as speeding in the car.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to be like my father in terms of being meticulous, accurate, disciplined and generally fast to do things, which is something that I have associated as a positive experience within me, which is linked to how this entire world system appreciates ‘speed’ as a general positive attribute due to how it contributes to earning the most in the least time possible, which I see then how I lived this when and while growing up/ going to school wherein all forms of discipline are essentially created in order to get used to a world system wherein time means money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generally consider that I enjoyed being more with my father because we both agreed that my mother was rather slow and ‘inefficient’ according to our judgments, which is how we would team up in order to go to the supermarket and get things done as fast as possible, while the usual spoken backchat was in relation to how If we would have gone with my mother/his wife, we would have stayed there for hours instead, as way to exemplify how he was ‘more efficient’ than my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider my father’s routine as something positive, because through routines a form of trust is developed, wherein you believe that the person will always remain ‘safe in their bounds’ which is a positive attribute according to the system that is based on creating patterns in people to keep everyone safely entertained/ occupied within their own lives, not looking at reality and what is going on in the ‘greater picture.’

 

I realize that I had in essence been a fervent fan of all types of systematic indoctrination, just because I was brought up in a way wherein rules, regulations and terms became a focal aspect within me, wherein I cultivated a sense of ‘correctness’ as a form of proud, which I can see I copied and learned from my father – whereas my mother represented the ‘cheating’ aspect of the system, the ‘less rigid’ version of a human being in this world system.

 

Thus, through me establishing a positive experience toward my father or general inclination toward him, I aligned myself to the system as a ‘positive experience’ based on the ideals of efficiency and accuracy that I had defined him to be.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to agree to his suggestion on ‘me having to be/ become like him,’ implying that I had to avoid becoming like my mother representing the ‘negative aspect’ as the inefficiency/ inaccuracy within the system’s perspective which I then vowed to antagonize within the consideration that whatever was presented by and as the system’s rules and regulations was in fact ‘what’s best for me,’ hence developing a polarized association between my father and mother which lead me to an unequal relationship with them based on ‘who I wanted to be’ within the system, which at the time when I was a child was more associated with becoming someone successful and powerful within the financial world/ economics / banking skills as that’s what I was playing with as a child.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get a positive experience out of the fear that I would usually experience with my father’s meticulous approach to everything he did, wherein I would essentially in my mind be fearful of fucking things up yet at the same time getting a positive experience out of it, which is what has been explained in Heaven’s Journey to Life  wherein we also get a positive experience out of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate a relationship of fear toward beings that I perceived as being ‘more accurate’ than me in practical-physical points such as going to the supermarket in no time and getting everything done in a fast and accurate way, which I have associated with a positive experience, which is what I sought in a partner as well: to be like my father in terms of being meticulous, accurate, clean, precise and confident with a certain rush at all times to do everything, which is what manifested to the T with a long relationship that I had without every really seeing or realizing that I had in fact gotten so used to his character because it was in essence almost identical to my father’s character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also experience fear whenever I was being told how to do things, fearing being fucking everything up which is how I experienced myself with my father when going to the supermarket and being told how to place things on the cart, how to go isle by isle looking for things, how to not stand as an obstacle in front of people, how to hurry yet not be clumsy when moving.

 

I realize that I in fact would experience such tension and fear that it became a positive experience for me, which is the reason why I would immediately decide to go with my father to the supermarket- same with friend/ partner going out with him wherever he had to go, because of enjoying that general constant tension of rushing and getting things done in ‘no time’ with them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel dumb when being told how to do things, which was part of me fearing becoming like my mother whom I had judged as clumsy, slow and ineffective without realizing that this is just a polarity manifestation that I created in order to have a constant point of friction as inclination and rejection toward my parents in means of just keeping a point of conflict in place within my life, to keep me in separation of my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience toward my father talking to himself about the products that he had to get, which I found quite cool and generally ‘crazy’ for an adult his age, which would make me laugh and also see how he acted in a generally ‘odd manner’ that I found amusing, later on catching myself doing the same things and loading the entire super market character, just because of how I had identified this general rush in the supermarket as a positive experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a general positive experience to orderly and high speed buying of groceries, wherein I never questioned why we were rushing anyways if we were heading home, if rushing would in no way make any substantial difference to our day – but instead because of how I had walked the entire process of ‘rushing’ to go to the supermarket as a general ‘tonality’ for the experience, I never questioned it, and I simply rode the wave of tension, anxiety, and general fear at times when going out with my father, feeling slightly uncomfortable in fear of not doing something right or as accurate as he expected me to be and do – however I was willing to learn how to be like him at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things the wrong way as that would generate anger and frustration within him, which I would judge then as a negative experience that I had to avoid at all cost – thus I made sure that I remained ‘in line’ with everything he did and doing ‘my best’ to please him in my every move in coordination with him, when for example taking the products out of the trolley and organizing them according to the type of product they were on the band so that the cashier would have it easy to pass them through the scan/ registry machine – within this doing ‘my best’ out of fear essentially.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider it amicable and generally ‘nice’ to pick up a conversation with the cashier in order to apparently ‘smooth things out,’ which implies that I had associated that point as a counter act to what I would perceive as a tension point which is standing in the queue to pay and having to get everything in bags ready to go, which is obviously only a belief system that I created based on how I would observe my father going into a higher tension when having to pay and then getting everything ready to leave/ storm out the place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience out of going to the supermarket with my father based on the general conceptions and associations of speed, effectiveness and accuracy as something ‘positive’ in this world, which I then wanted to be a part of even if that involved having to go through tension, anxiety, fear and general stress/ tension that would be created within me throughout the supermarket experience with my father.

This allows me to see and confirm how I was in essence having a positive experience out of situations of self-abuse, as for me to exist in such stress, anxiety and fear, I had to consume my physicality to power such adrenaline which stems from fear – thus ‘going to the supermarket’ was like going on a rollercoaster ride.

 

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Self corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself automatically saying ‘Yes’ to someone in relation to going somewhere specific, I stop and I breathe – I allow myself to look again at the motivation for it and if I find a positive experience being created in my mind – such as the experience I would get when being asked to go to the supermarket with my father, I realize that such positive input for an activity is not here as self but based on memories –therefore I stop and allow myself to reconsider whether I actually want to participate or not in a particular event or activity.

 

When and as I see myself believing and perceiving that I am in fact having a ‘good time’ as a positive experience, I stop and I breathe- I realize that for example enjoyment had been a separate way in which I would perceive that I liked doing something with someone based on the premise of being opposing something/ someone that represented a limitation and a point of judgment within me –thus I realize how my life experience had been based upon me having a good time according to the past which is not me here in fact enjoying myself doing something – with or without someone – without it being an actual unconditional experience of myself in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself considering fast speed as something effective, accurate and positive within how to do/ conduct things in my reality – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have associated this according to how I was taught that being fast, accurate and doing things as quickly as possible represented an opportunity for me to excel and succeed in the system, wherein in a contraposition, being slow, inefficient, lazy and generally relaxed was something that I deemed as negative and associated to something that I should avoid mimicking in terms of the parental roles that each one of my parents played. Thus I realize that both polarities were created in my mind in order to have a point of preference and a point of friction in my reality, which indicates that non of them are real decisions lived in self-honesty but based on past memories and conditions applied to my every day living.

 

Thus I commit myself to establish new patterns within me and my every day living that are in fact based on a self-realization process of what is best for all and how I can practically and efficiently direct myself – this means that I no longer require to ‘load’ the idea of who I am in relation to father and mother as a positive and negative input according to how I structured myself as my memories, but instead allow me to build myself a platform of self support that stands in accordance to the consideration of breathing, walking moment by moment in specificity and self-discipline wherein I do not require to rush to get through things, nor do I get to the point of not moving at all, but create a point of consistency and stability with a practical living application day by day.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘stick to my routine’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the positive experience I identify myself with a routine that works is part of preserving the past as ‘who I am’ instead of simply realizing that I can direct myself in every moment effectively without requiring to hold a ‘routine’ as a creed that must be respected no matter what, which is what leads to being inflexible and rather constricted in our reality. Thus I allow myself to establish basic aspects that I can incorporate in my everyday living – such as responsibilities, practical tasks and moments of self enjoyment – wherein I allow myself to expand and explore ways in which I can direct my day to day living without making it my religion and creed to follow.

 

I realize that I can trust myself according to how I live my activities throughout the day and that according to how I go establishing myself as a the directive principle of every moment and every ‘task’ throughout my day, I can establish myself as my own point of self-trust that doesn’t require a immovable routine to do things, but instead become directive in every moment with its flexibility in order to not limit myself throughout the day.

 

When and as I see myself getting a positive experience out of ‘following rules’ and ‘sticking to the system’s principles’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is an experience acquired throughout childhood wherein all things that stick to the norm I regarded as positive and all things that went ‘out’ of the norm, I regarded as negative.

 

Thus I see and realize that I do not have to follow ‘the system’ as a positive experience, but instead realize the practical points that I require to do and direct in every moment, without creating a positive experience out of it, while fearing going into the absolute opposite which I would then fear ‘falling into,’ which is how being obedient, being complacent and ‘responsible’ toward the system was based on fear and never as an actual understanding of self-direction, as I feared being corruptive, lazy, slow and inefficient in everything I did, which is how then everything positive that I did had an underlying fear of going to the exact opposite as motivation factor.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do something for the level of ‘precision’ they represent and me immediately ‘jumping onto it,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am in fact making such decision based on actually fearing not being ‘fast enough’ or ‘accurate enough’ to continue and perpetuate such personality/ character as ‘the efficient one’ that was built and wrought when and as I would get along with my father, fearing ending up being the exact opposite as my mother which are the basic polarities that I struggled with throughout my life, going to the extremes because I had not established my own parameters to follow as self-direction for myself according to what I see is common sensical and what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately meticulous and specific with something or someone – I stop and I breathe – I ensure that I am not acting from memories of the past wherein such dedication was charged with fear and as such becoming an eerily enjoyable experience based on the amount of fear and tension involved within me conducting myself in a particular task. Thus I direct myself to move myself according to how I am able to do things moment by moment without rushing, without being too slow, but moving at a physical pace as the physical breathing is the metronome that I direct myself to live as and by at all times.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing myself as inferior or dumb for being told how to do things, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this comes from the memory of having feared being wrong with my father specifically, doing things in a way that would disturb him. Thus I realize that I had in fact only based such inferiority upon the fear of being the opposite of effective such as inefficient, the opposite of fast and accurate as slow and clumsy – which are the polarities I established within myself in order to define what is positive and what is negative, identifying it with both my parents – thus I see and realize that any perceive ‘strength’ or ‘weakness’ must be in fact identified by self to see if it is an actual self-application in the moment or if it is being still conditioned by the past memories with parents wherein our participation between one or the other pole is related to fearing ending up as the negative aspect- hence building the entire positive personality as a way to ‘shove away’ everything that I deemed as negative.

 

When and as I see myself rushing when going to the supermarket I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the application of an automated modality that I learned through the years of going with my father to the supermarket, which became an ingrained aspect of seeing the supermarket visit as this race that I had to conquer as fast as possible – thus, I allow myself to simply direct myself in every moment as breathe, wherein I do not rush or try to get out from there from the very moment I get in, in the first place. I allow myself to buy and go through the supermarket experience in self-awareness wherein I am here breath by breath – moment by moment doing what I require to do.

 

When and as I see myself fearing doing something wrong/ being clumsy/ being slow – I stop and I breathe, I realize that in essence I am acting from fearing embodying everything that I feared becoming like which is my mother as the counter act to the positive pole which was my father as the accurate, fast and efficient aspect that I wanted to be and become based on how these attributes are well paid/ well remunerated and usually leading to success in a world system of money, never really taking into consideration the amount of stress and apprehension that such pattern entails, due to us not living here as breath but skipping breaths to do everything as fast as possible. Thus I allow myself to see and realize how I am able to direct myself in every moment of breath, wherein I take into consideration the physical reality and the circumstance I am in at all times.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to strike a conversation with the cashiers at the supermarket, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to talk to them as a point of expression in the moment, ensuring that what I am saying is not stemming from an actual desire to escape a moment of pressure or stress within me in the moment.

 

I realize that the desire to strike a conversation with the cashier stems from actually wanting to cover up what was a general moment of pressure and stress such as ‘going to the supermarket,’ which is how I would generally experience myself in every social interaction and situation ‘outside of the bubble of my home,’ wherein there were no moments of breathing and living physically, but learned how to fast pace reality and as such create this ideal of ‘who I had to be in everything I do’ as someone ‘fast/ accurate/ specific/ efficient’ all stemming from the fear of becoming the exact opposite as slow/ inaccurate/ clumsy and inefficient. Therefore I realize that it is within me and my responsibility to now direct myself in a way wherein I ensure that I am in fact supporting me to live moment by moment in consideration of the physical reality wherein I am no longer bound to memories in order to act and live.

 

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72. My Career Choice

I have been walking the last posts to see how Money influences our lives and decisions in life, wherein we can see and realize that whatever we thought we were doing as an actual decision by ourselves, was in fact a product of our social-conditioning accepted as ‘choices’ in life linked to ‘succeeding’ in the system in one way or another.

 

I’ll be walking my own career choice from the moment of how I believed myself to be ‘talented’ in doing artwork and how I built this belief within myself in order to make it ‘my profession/ career’ in an almost infatuated manner, without considering the actual practicality of it in terms of giving myself practical living directions to actually be able to live of it/ earn money of it within my life.

 

My choice of career was based on creating an ‘acceptable way’ of not wanting to participate in what I deemed as the entire ‘corrupt greedy system’ that we are living in. I dropped out of linguistics because I realized that career was going to simply make me a library person, an intellectual reading others words and dissecting them as valuable/ not valuable, and I wanted to be a ‘creator,’ a ‘creative’ person. But in the back of my head, all that I wanted was to create a lifestyle that was – apparently- ‘out of the ordinary’ which is how I deliberately created my personality as a profile of an ‘eccentric being,’ so that others could agree with me that: I had to be an artist.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I don’t know what I’m doing here’ while being in classic literature class in linguistics and literature school, without realizing that I chose to study that career and was fully ‘into it’ before I had instigated within me the idea of ‘wanting to study art’ instead

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized while having to ‘endure’ the class that I am not genuinely interested in, while daydreaming about being ‘creating’ and going to ‘art school’ which was a ‘dream shut down’ for me at the moment, because of me not having been directive enough when choosing my career

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘there is no way I am going to spend 5 years listening to useless stuff’– without realizing that I am in that only considering that which ‘suits my preferences’ and ‘validates my personal taste’ to do and be whatever I want to be, without realizing that I belonged to a certain institution where curriculum is not able to be ‘picked.’ I realize that I judged the moment because of existing within an obsession to get to study art school and drop literature –thus I manipulated myself, the moment and all my actions to ‘make it visible’ that I didn’t really want to be there any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and not regurgitate other’s words’ which is a statement of self-manipulation to reinforce my already lingering desire to stop the career and move to another one.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged and ‘discredited’ because of deciding to ‘drop out of school’ and fearing that this would be seen as a failure in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what others would have to say if I dropped out of literature school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even fear admitting this to myself because of how I didn’t want to continue ‘lying’ to myself about me being comfortable within the school, without realizing that it was actually me not being ‘comfortable’ within myself, and my life and that going to art school only represented another ‘way out of the system’ within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that which I had initially ‘adored’ as literature/ books/ reading in order to justify and validate my excuses to drop out of that school, validating preference as an actual ‘reason’ to drop out which is how I placed preference over common sense to validate my personality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge literature as ‘useless stuff’ without realizing that this judgment was coming from me wanting to convince myself to be doing the ‘right choice’ for dropping out of the literature career.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my ‘ideal career’ to the career I was studying (literature,) just so that I could continue validating my own desires to migrate to another point.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and not regurgitate what others have created’ which is a statement made out of spitefulness toward that which I simply stopped liking, which is a usual mechanism to validate our point of view over our self-created reality and consequences, to make myself seem like a ‘winner’ and not a ‘loser that drops out’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare literature and art and placing the latter above the first one just because of wanting to validate my decision to ‘go to art school’ above literature, and justify the reason why I was dropping out of it, to not be seen like a ‘drop out’ but rather a ‘wise person that aligns her decisions and preferences in life.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to suit my decisions to seem like a ‘wise choice’ that makes me a ‘winner,’ instead of admitting that I have made a mistake and can allow myself to give me a second opportunity to re-align my decisions on life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and criticize people that study literature as ‘library rats’ in a spiteful mode just to add on to the ongoing validations of why I don’t want to continue studying literature.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project myself into a self-created ‘gloomy future’ being locked in a library for the rest of my life if continuing studying literature, which is just how I used my imagination to perpetuate the belief that I had to get out of that career to not become like my worst nightmare, which is just another belief and justification that validates my desire to simply stop studying literature, using denigration toward others in order to see myself as ‘making the right choice,’ which is judgmental and unacceptable, as it is me trying to see myself as a winner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to get validation for my ‘skills to create’ in order to validate my decision to change my career and within that, being able to justify why I ‘don’t like literature school’ any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was because of my parents that I wasn’t able to study arts, while in fact it was me that wasn’t directive enough with regards to taking and making a decision based on my life and my future.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relation to what my parents though with regards to me not going out of the city to study arts, when in fact I realize that I used this also as an excuse for me not having been directive and responsible enough to consider what it is that I actually wanted to study in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having taken my ‘second option’ within resignation and within a ‘second plate’ type of experience around it, without realizing that I was only judging it that way because of me not having taken the necessary steps to actually walk the initial desire and decision to study art from the beginning of having to choose my career.

 

 

I forgive myself to deliberate scheme and manipulate my expression in order to continue drawing so that ‘others’ could see my ‘real passion’ for art and drawing – instead of realizing that I was the only one manipulating myself to suit my own desires to migrate to another career and ‘life.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others judgments upon my work as ‘flattering’ and ‘props for my ego’ wherein I am in fact creating this idea of myself as ‘definitely being an artist’ and using that to deliberately validate and justify my change in careers.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘which is a self-belief coming from the starting point of validating my desire to study arts and ‘change’/ veer my direction in order to suit my entire desire to ‘be an artist and be out of this world’ – therefore it is and was not an actual recognition of a ‘passion to create’ but used as an excuse to validate my self-definition and desire to not be part of what I had deemed as a ‘greedy corrupt system’ of money/ capitalism, that I thought I could get away from by studying arts.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared to convince my parents about my career decision, out of them disapproving and losing their financial support.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having feared proposing a change of career toward my parents because of not wanting to create a reaction within them as me ‘dropping out’ thus, losing my ‘reputation’ toward them as the ever excellent student that ‘doesn’t drop out.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear disappointing my parents’ when letting them know that I wanted to change my career, which is me judging myself only for not having taken the necessary steps and direction from the get-go initially. I realize that this is me existing in self-blame and projecting it on my parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear letting my parents know that ‘I don’t like my career’ because of fearing being seen as a ‘lost person’ that ‘doesn’t know what she wants in life – and lose credibility and my self-definition as a person that ‘knows what she wants to do with her life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents mocking me for changing directions in my life and dissing my new direction as ‘another phase in my life’ based on how I had lived my life going from various phases, preferences and lifestyles, without realizing that I am only limiting myself within this fear to actually support myself to explore what is it that I am actually capable of being and becoming in a supportive way for myself and others within the consideration of what’s best for all, and not only ‘what I like’ or believed I liked doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others’ judgments upon my life as ‘true’ and allowing them to affect my ability to make decisions and take directions that I know are required once that I have proven to myself that the previous decisions are simply not what I meant to do/ be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my parents/ family’s judgments as a decisive factor to move myself and direct myself within my life, without realizing that I am the only one that will live within such decisions for the rest of my life.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself asking ‘what the hell am I doing here?’ and feeling victimized about the situation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only one that is able to direct myself in my reality and that any beliefs of victimization are only ways to manipulate myself to not face the fact that: I placed myself in this position – no one forced me to do so. I realize that whatever I experience is a direct consequence of what I have created and directed within my life by my own will, thus I stop victimizing myself by statements that reinforce any form of manipulating myself and others to ‘get out the backdoor’

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to ‘endure’ a class, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘self-torture’ is only generated by my own judgments and opinions about the class in itself.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am in no way going to spend 5 years listening to useless stuff – I stop and I breathe. I realize that the judgment is stemming from my desire to change my career and that everything I said was already from wanting to diss and discredit the career I was in, just to suit and reinforce the self-belief of ‘having to go to art school instead’ – I realize that I have used this self-manipulation to suit my own needs and justify them to make it all ‘acceptable’ at the eyes of others, just because of having feared being judged by ‘dropping out’ of it.

 

I realize that I feared being seen as a ‘failure’ by others and that within this fear of judgment, I manipulated myself to portray myself in a way that others could validate that ‘my decision was correct’ – without realizing that the only one that I was manipulating and fearing is myself: fearing failing and fearing being judged by others.

 

I realize that I have used to denigrate that which I no longer want to be bound to, and eventually create an opposition toward it, even though I ‘adored it’ at first- such as literature and linguistics. Thus I stop and I breathe whenever I see myself denigrating and making something ‘less than’ just so that within my own mind, I can see myself as ‘being a winner’ for opting out and going to an apparent ‘better position’ as in studying another career. Little did I realize that it was never about ‘the career’ but about myself only.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to validate my choice and placing myself as a ‘winner’ by validating my ‘choice’ through dissing/ making the other point less than, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an ego treat to make believe that I made the right choice and that my decision is validated by my own evidence and assessment of the event/ situation

 

When and as I See myself believing that all decisions I make are ‘for the better’ I stop and I realize. I see that within this starting point of ‘bettering myself/ desiring to be in a ‘better position’ I am in fact justifying my own manipulation to remain as a ‘winner’ within my mind. I realize that everything that I decide to do within my life must be assessed and directed within the starting point of what is best for all, and that I am absolutely responsible for making it work or not. I assume all responsibility that comes from making decisions in life –

 

I realize that I have tricked and fooled myself to justify and validate my choices in life based on preference, instead of an actual assessment of what is best for all. I stop manipulating myself to believe that everything I decide to do with my life is ‘alright’ and ‘will always go well’ – as this belief system is what lead me to walk through art school.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate the way that others will see my decisions in my desire to be seen as a ‘wise person’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that the manipulation that I have created toward myself and others can only in the end affect myself only, wherein I realize that I must take into consideration the consequences of my decisions within practical terms and not only manipulate myself to be a ‘winner’ at the eyes of others and myself.

 

When and as I see myself creating future projections as unpleasant moments/ experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only going into my mind to manipulate my beliefs in a way that it suits the outcome that I am looking for, which is discrediting my own career choice by now dissing it because of having ‘something better to aspire to’

 

I realize that this is a pattern I have lived out within this point of careers and relationships, just so that whenever I see a relationship/ career point ending, I am able to remain as a ‘winner’ in my mind, instead of being self honest about the decision being simply a way that it wasn’t suitable for myself according to the interests I pursued back then. There is no need to judge and justify my decisions based on ‘bashing’ and belittling the original choice to make myself feel ‘better’ about my decision.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do something ‘evident’ at the eyes of others to validate and support the belief of ‘who I am’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an attention seeking pattern wherein I am deliberately wanting to be validated and identified as ‘an artist’ or an ‘expressive person’ which I use as props for my ego to remain within the ‘creative suit’ and within this particular situation, having used it as a way to validate my own shift in career and validate it/ excuse it with a decision based on having ‘real passion’ to create, which I have demonstrated to myself was never actually real.

 

When and as I see myself blaming my parents for apparently not having been able to allow me to study arts, initially – I stop and I breathe. I realize that it was me all the way the one that wasn’t directive enough to make a decision and walk the actual process to achieve it, but instead allowed me to conform because of not wanting to stir up conflict. I realize that within my life and my decisions, I must be absolutely self-directive and considering the actual steps to direct myself to accomplish a point.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself with regards to ‘my parents not allowing me to study arts out of the city’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I wasn’t directive and responsible enough to consider that it was only me the one that had to place the actual ‘doing’ and ‘planning’ which I absolutely neglected at the time, and went for the most ‘comfortable option’ which meant not challenging also my own schemes of ‘going out and living alone’ which I eventually directed.

However, I realize that I require to be specific whenever I am walking a point in my life wherein decisions have to be made and actual direction must be given within the consideration of what is best for myself to be, live and direct myself toward in order to support myself and within the principle of what’s best for all.

When and as I see myself opting for the most ‘comfortable’ and ‘less troubling’ solution within my mind when having the opportunity to choose – I stop and I breathe. I reconsider to see and realize that I have to take into consideration the actual outcome of such decision and all the dimensions existent within that decision, to make sure that I do not create unnecessary timeloops within my life and my experience. This means that I direct myself to be bold enough to take the necessary risks to direct myself to an outcome that is certainly best in the moment, and stop my own limitations that only exist as fears within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘my real passion is to create’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that what I have deemed as such was only a validation for my decision to change career and backup an entire personality suit as ‘the artist/ the creator’ – I realize that I haven’t allowed myself to establish self-creation as one and equal wherein it’s not a point of self-definition, but an actual integration of my ability and capability of supporting myself to correct and direct myself according to that which I see is self-supportive in all ways within my life, and not limited to ‘creating art.’

 

When and as I see myself fearing others judgments upon my change in career/ different lifestyle that I decide to take on as my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only one that will live with the decisions I make within my life and that I am now being directive to consider what’s best for all in such decisions, and not just a self-belief pattern that backups a personality. I realize that all decisions and changes that I take within my life, I am absolutely responsible for – therefore I stop allowing judgments to influence my decision in any way whatsoever within my life.

 

When and as I see myself placing the excuse to validate another option that I may have and say ‘I cannot see myself within this for the rest of my life’ – I stop and I breathe. These justifications exist as a trick of my own mind to ‘talk myself into’ accepting another option as ‘better than’ based on self interest – I realize that in the direction I am taking with my life, I am considering what is best for all as a point walked day by day, wherein it is not a profession/ career/ occupation but rather a life-learning process that cannot be defined within the current schemes of ‘career choices’ in our world, as it is me learning how to live and do/ live/ create/ direct myself in the consideration of what’s best for all life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself limiting myself to receive validation from others in order to make decision and direct myself within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot depend on other’s validation to move myself, as I realize I am capable and able to direct myself efficiently within my reality wherein I am self-responsible for the consequences and outflows of the decision I take. I realize that only moving/ directing myself after getting ‘enough validation’ is self-manipulation and not allowing me to realize that Self-Direction is existing in one single breath here that I make a decision and walk it – live it.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing frustration because of not being in a place that supports my creativity and expression – I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a belief-system of myself that I have used to manipulate myself into an outcome that I have perceived as ‘less restrictive’ without realizing that in doing that, I have limited myself and my ability to expand into fields/ areas wherein I have not even considered that I could also enjoy and learn/ expand from. I stop limiting myself according to preferences that only lead me to live an apparently more ‘lax’ way of ‘lifestyle.’ I realize that self-direction even in points wherein I seemingly ‘don’t like/ don’t enjoy’ are only limitations based on preferences within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself, whining and complaining about ‘not fitting in’ and using others’ validation to my belief of having to be doing ‘something else’ within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only complain about my own fuck up of not having directed myself to plan an actual direction within my life wherein I could be doing that which I intended to do from the get go, but allowed myself to limit myself because of fears. Thus, ‘not fitting in, not belonging here’ are but excuses to remain limited and stubbornly want to validate my own self-definition, which is also not supporting myself to allow myself to expand and explore my capabilities within other fields that I had not considered within my own mind before.

 

When and as I see myself ‘fearing disappointing my parents/ others’ in my world based on the decisions I take within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this judgment only comes when I haven’t walked the point within absolute self-direction and self-trust to know that my decision will actually be best for all in all ways, and that whatever I decide to do with my life, is my absolute point of Self-Responsibility and nothing or no one can influence that point for myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing being seen as a person that ‘is lost’ and ‘doesn’t know what to do with her life’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only creating this fear based on my own ‘lack’ of self-trust in that moment to direct myself to actually support myself within taking decisions and directing myself in my life, within absolute self-responsibility for what I do and what I don’t do.

 

I realize that I have feared being seen as ‘lost’ or ‘a waste’ because of having dropped out of my career and not following through with my actual career. I allow myself to change directions if the previously chosen direction is not best for all. I allow myself to see mistakes as a way to see where and how I am not effectively directing myself and within that, allow myself to be actually supportive within considering the outflows and consequences of my decisions in life.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get validation from others to make decisions in life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am able to direct myself and change the direction within the realization that I am the only one that will walk the consequences and outflows of such decisions I take and live throughout my life

 

I realize that I cannot allow anyone else’s judgments and opinions to affect who I am and how I direct myself within my life, If I am certain that I am in fact directing myself within self-honesty and self-trust.

 

I also allow myself to obviously get some feedback and reference from people that are able and capable to consider self-honestly what’s best for me to consider as a point of self-direction within the current point I am walking in process and the position that I must take on in order to support the outcome that is best for all life in equality.

 

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Nada (2005)

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Day 18: Self-Interest Sabotage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept Selfishness as an inherent part of ‘who I am’ as human nature wherein I learned that I had to only care about myself and not bother to look at others’ lives as that would ‘consume me in worry/ concern’ that was ‘unnecessary’ within my life as a child when I would worry/ concern about others’ experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tamper my incipient common sense by what I accepted as ‘education’ wherein I learned to cover up my actual experience toward others with words like ‘Don’t care about them, don’t look at them, that’s their life’ and in that, accepting that I should only care about myself and focus on only achieving my ‘personal satisfaction’ wherein everything then became me-and-only-me in my world, to the point wherein any bit of looking outside into the world became an instant no-no within my mind, because of believing that others’ lives had Nothing to do with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use education and parental advices as a living-blueprint wherein I shut off my common sense and consideration/ regard for others, creating a great instability and dissatisfaction within myself, a constant ‘anguish’ that I could not pinpoint because ‘everything was alright’ in my life, I had it all, I was cared for, I was supported financially but something just wasn’t right in the world and in my attempt to discover what was it that was concerning me, I only created further experiential anguish and concern and worry with ‘making up a point’/ creating a point, that wasn’t initially ‘there’ but I believed that I had to find a reason for my experience which lead me to then create experiences in my world to ‘give it a name’ as a justification for that process of deliberately blinding me from looking at the world as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cloud my discomfort when getting a reward from my parents for ‘being a good student’ such as money or gifts wherein I would feel discomfort and it didn’t seem ‘right’ as I was doing it for myself, but I accepted the reward because ‘hey, it’s money, I can buy stuff with it’ and essentially within this giving-into the system of reward and ‘prices’ for ‘doing good in school,’ which I later on said it wasn’t necessary – but because I had accepted it as part of ‘parental love,’ I ended up using such reward to my convenience to get stuff that would make me ‘happy,’ and in this, accepting the motivation to do well, to take responsibility in separation of myself while accepting then the idea that I must always be rewarded, thanked for and appreciated for everything that I do.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that it was ‘wrong’ to take rewards from my father and feeling embarrassed about it, yet eventually ‘giving in’ to it because it seemed it ‘made others happy to do so,’ and in that complying to the parenting/ child belief system of reward and love as giving prices/ money that could ‘make me happy’ because I believed that their happiness depends on ‘my happiness.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my common sense to play a part of the reward/ manipulation masked as care/ love by parents/ teachers and within this any other reward-system existing in this world that begins at home, wherein we learn that we require something to motivate us which is ultimately in the form of money, as everything that is here that can be ‘given’ currently has a price tag attached to it, as the symbol of separation that we have accepted as a form of possession wherein ‘I’ have accepted and allowed myself to possess ‘something/ someone’ in the name of personal power, while neglecting the fact that nothing that is here I can actually possess, no one that is here can actually be Mine – though because of accepting this ‘idea’ of myself as an ‘owner’ and a ‘winner’ I became absolutely accustomed to the idea of buying stuff in means of caring for others, giving stuff in means of obtaining appreciation, giving something to someone while expecting a reward, which is me playing the game of this entire world that lives and thrives upon ownership and possession.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge other children for being ‘whiners’ and manipulating their parents to get stuff at the supermarket, while taking on the haughty position of being ‘above that’ and feeling good for ‘not playing that game,’ without realizing that I DID play that game in various other ways in my reality wherein I knew that accumulating a ‘good profile’ within my family and my environment, would lead me to get what I wanted because of thinking ‘I deserve this/ I earned this/ I should have access to that’ – and this, perpetuating my own ‘masked’ reward system wherein I learned how to use my ‘props’ and ‘points’ accumulated through time for being a ‘good student’ and a ‘good person’ that would lead me to eventually ‘have/ own what I want,’ because of thinking ‘hey, I’ve done ‘good’ I deserve my piece of the cake!’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a superiority position while being in this world because of ‘noticing’ the manipulation patterns within children and parents and judging them, without first looking at myself and How I was living the exact same point minus the tantrums but in a very specific and masked with ‘modesty’ type of manipulation wherein I would always say ‘It is not necessary for you to give me presents, I do this for myself,’ yet eventually opening my hand to get the money to buy whatever I already knew that I wanted to get, in this placing all integrity aside and giving into the money, the ‘power’ as the reward that I did know  could accept as everyone else did it, everyone else does it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to secretly judge my classmates every time that they said: ‘Oh I wanna be like you and have your grades, let me hand my parents your notes/grades/record so that they can buy me whatever I want/ with your notes I would get whatever I would want from my parents/ I would make my parents happy with your record’ wherein I judged them as manipulators and cheaters and selfish and interested people, while disregarding the fact that deep inside I knew I would ‘modestly’ accept prices and rewards for my grades while placing a face and a cloak of ‘Oh it’s not necessary, I don’t require your money’ but in the end, accepting it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always place a nice face whenever I required money to buy something and speaking in a high pitch voice and move my face in a way wherein I knew that my father/ mother would not be able to ‘say no’ to buy me/ get me what I wanted, and in this playing out the same manipulation system wherein the bond of family/ love is used in order to ‘get what I want.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a life based on accumulating ‘good interest’ just like when you build a good profile in a banking system that enables you to get ‘all the credit you want,’ and in fact learning about this from what my father taught me about banking status/ profile wherein he would get all offers to get credit and he’d always refuse because of not wanting to get into debt, and in that I learned how I could have ‘the world at my feet’ by accumulating a ‘good profile’ within my world wherein I could use that credit as in obtaining rewards at any given moment because of having accumulated such ‘good profile’ throughout my life. This means that everything that I’ve done within my self-created belief of modesty and ‘integrity’ has Always had a point of self-interest behind, a monetary potential in the background as I knew that within keeping walking the steps of becoming a ‘good citizen’ and learn how to administrate my money, I could get to a higher position in society.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the fact that I was actually taught how to save money as a means of security and how Money played a big role from the very first moments that I would get money from my father with which I knew I could buy things that I wanted. I became so used to getting money on a weekly basis that I learned that this life was about buying stuff as a means of obtaining happiness and fulfilling myself with ‘buying.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep my savings in a zealous manner, as I knew that I was already ‘building my profile’ as being a ‘saver’ which meant something good within the world system where people that get the benefits are the ones that are able to obtain interests from capitalizing that money in the bank.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a ‘saver’ made me a ‘better person’ and not a ‘bad person’ such as the people that owed money to the banks –within this, believing that all the money that I owned was ‘clean’ and was ‘good money’ because it was earned/ worked for without ever ever questioning why some people had to borrow money to the bank, why was there not enough money for people regardless of them working for it or not – why was life denied to others and having to go through extreme financial troubles that would lead them to their own death, because of how the money system works.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only be confused about how the money system works as a child, not getting any proper explanation to why poverty exists and instead, only learning to focus on me, my savings, how to administrate my money and in that becoming a life-time administrator wherein money is always carried with me as a means of security, as a means of survival, as a means of protecting myself from ‘anything’ that I could require as I’ve learned that I can buy anything in this world with money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this, develop a ‘good persona’ idea of myself wherein because of knowing that my family/ my father had ‘no debt’ I took on that position of feeling good about money because of believing that we were not ‘bad people’ that ‘owed’ to the bank because of not being proper administrators. Within this,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always automatically/ by default through what I learned judge anyone that owes to the bank/ that has debt because of considering this as a synonym of them being ‘bad people’ that somehow had corrupted themselves to not be able to get money, without ever actually investigating that MONEY in itself exists as DEBT as that inherent point of enslavement and separation that we have created in the name of power, of some having ‘more’ than others’ and some others having ‘less’ or no money at all, and in that neglecting the fact of the world system running in inequality, which I simply accepted as ‘how things are,’ because I was taught that ‘I should not worry about that, it’s not in my power to change it’ – hell no.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate a positive experience within myself when I had accumulated money through saving within this ‘saver’ personality as building a ‘good reputation’ within the system, which became my way of functioning in the world as I knew that all the scores throughout my life in school as being a good student, my life within my family as ‘being a good daughter, ‘ my ‘good will’ within society as a ‘good and concerned citizen’ would lead me to a  position of comfort and financial stability in the future – apparently – because of having learned that one gets rewards for ‘being a good person’ and in that, accepting the fact that some others would inherently be damned to not have enough money to live, which I justified as them having been lazy/bad administrators/ corrupted people, which is how I ‘made sense’ of this world living in disparity, placing each person through my own judgmental values of what lead you to be ‘rich’ or ‘have enough money to live’ or ‘be poor/ starving’ wherein I thought that it was directly related to ‘who they had been’ in their world, neglecting the obvious facts wherein people are born into such positions which means that they had no say within their world in terms of money, as family/ context/ environmental predisposition as inherent conditions within each human being’s life was not seen by myself at the time.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build a persona of and as ‘modesty’ wherein I would take all the awards/ rewards and recognition only as an accumulation of ‘good score’ that I knew would get me anywhere I wanted in this reality, and in fact it did in terms of education and within that feeling ‘great’ for having known how to use the system  – yet being moral about it in terms of seeing it as a ‘goodness’ within me, wherein anyone else that could Not access to the same that I had access to, I deemed as less than/ stupid/ lazy/ irresponsible and within that, asserting that I was ‘on the right path’ to become that whichever I wanted to become, because ‘I had earned it/ I had become it honestly’ without seeing that money was the actual motivation for all of this lifetime of achievements that I kept as a score in such a proud silent manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link ‘good finances’ and ‘good administration’ to being a ‘good person’ wherein I took the role model of my father as a ‘good administrator’ which I see would lead me to ‘success’ without realizing that within this accepted form of manipulation/ use of the ways within the system, I accepted such ways as ‘okay’ to live by within this world, wherein I would then measure individuals and their financial situation linked to their personal-moral and ethics within this world, separating ‘good people’ as people that were financially stable and ‘bad people’ as people that had lots of debts and financial troubles that would reflect in their mental instability, personal crisis and diseases that would lead them to die.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever judge people that would ‘cheat’ in the system, without realizing that I was in fact being the perfected system of cheating/ manipulating and accepting the flawed ways to thrive in this world wherein one must comply with all the ‘good aspects’ that the system/ society is expecting me to be, wherein I could finally take the ‘position’ that I had ‘earned’ throughout my lifetime, within this not Living here as myself as breath, but only living to ‘get to that superior position,’ living to get to that ‘throne’ that I believed I had earned throughout my life with ‘hard work,’ without realizing how I was essentially preprogrammed to accept myself as ‘better than others’ and in that believing that I had some higher mission to have a position of power in this world – all delusions only in my head that lead me to create this constant belief that I was ‘better than others,’ and ‘more apt’ to do whatever I had to do than others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ‘my reputation’ as the score-keeping that I’ve done throughout my life where numbers as scores, numbers as the reflection of the profile-building that I knew would get me a ‘reward’ someday, which implies that I have lived as a score-keeping system fulfilling targets to eventually be ‘free’ and ‘happy’ and ‘fulfilled’ with having achieved a lifetime of ‘good reputation’ which always translated to money and obtaining/ attaining financial stability.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of my preprogramming in ways that I knew I was only ensuring ‘my future/ my survival’ while neglecting the fact that I had to inevitably use this to benefit of all – and for a moment, get lost in the trap of attaining ‘power’ to get myself to the position that I wanted disregarding the fact that I could become the solution to this world, because of having given-up to the fact that I Can become the solution to this world and that it is not even a want/ desire to do so, but it is a point of Self-Responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately deny my abilities/ capabilities and choosing to diminish myself just because of seeing that I was becoming a ‘perfect system’ and that I was aiming at ‘getting all the power I could,’ which I judged as nasty later on in my life, judging myself for having had greedy thoughts and in that, going to the exact opposite of denying, neglecting all-things-money, all-news, all careers that I had initially sought to study in order to make of my ‘traits’ something useful within this world, and in that, going to the exact opposite which was seeking value within that which I judged as ‘non-valuable/ without a price’ such as how I deemed ‘art’ would be like. In this, my own cave was wrought.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having ever pursued my own interest while growing, then going into blame, self judgment and into the exact opposite as denying that I had ever sought such positions of power/ recognition/ elitist status by becoming the ‘black sheep’ of the family that would deliberately seek the opposite of what I had learned I ‘wanted’ to be like/ live like in the future, in this not ever realizing and pondering that I was only sabotaging myself and my ability to position myself in this world in a place wherein I could actually make a difference to it, which I realize requires education on how the system works and getting myself into a position of where the cogwheels of the system are moved in order to create a substantial change in this world/ system.

 

I now finally realize the entire fucked up sabotage to my own abilities and capabilities because of judging money as good or bad, because of judging my inherent abilities as good for the system but ‘bad for my integrity’ wherein I later on ostracized myself from ‘all things systematic’, shutting myself from continuing my education within the realms of politics and social matter that I had initially been interested in, because of having deemed it as a ‘lost cause’ and believing that I was completely incapable of doing any difference to.

I realize that I sabotaged myself by going to the exact opposite such as deliberately diminishing/ playing aloof and being seemingly ‘unaware’ of the reality because of having found that ‘not caring about the world/ only caring about myself’ was apparently more ‘fulfilling’ and an easier way to live, than having lived as a concerned/ worried person about the world – which was then integrating the belief that ‘I must only care about myself’ as ‘who I am’ and in that, wasting my abilities and capabilities for some time/ the extent of time you take to study a career because of believing that I could only ‘make the best for myself’ and that this world was doomed.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my personal interests as a way to justify my giving up on the world, my giving up on the abilities and capabilities I was fully aware I could conduct into a position that I could take on and make a difference, regardless of what everyone said about it, and instead going for the ‘easy way out’ apparently, without realizing that this would only lead me to a pointless-timeloop but probably absolutely necessary, now that I see it, because how else would I have had the time to become a real observer of the system without me trying to pursuit the same as everyone else, and now having had enough time to study how reality works, how this entire monetary system as our own reflection drives the world around and how I am perfectly capable of being in the system and creating a point of change by clearing/ and creating a complete new starting point to develop myself and my abilities to the utmost potential wherein Self-Interest and Selfishness is no longer the driving force for it, but Who I See/ Realize/ Understand is who I really am as life as all as one and equals –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my engagement with relationships that would support this ‘escapism of self responsibility’ as that would support my own ostracism and deliberate ignorance about the world system while resorting in entertainment that would only fulfill and satisfy this believed/ perceived ‘path out of the system’ wherein I allowed myself to judge the system, criticize everyone with ‘aspirations’ to succeed and taking on the exact opposite by ensuring that I would ‘never’ want to be in a position of power, because of believing that such power was real in the first place only because of money. Now I realize that if money is a belief system = power is a belief system that allows abuse – therefore I can be and become the point that utilizes all means I can in order to establish an equality in this world by me first allowing/ accepting myself as the ability to establish myself as the equal-power as an equal participant that I represent within this world and reality – no longer driven by the judgments that I have given to money/ power, but having a firm self-agreement to do this for all, as equals.

 

I see and realize that any point of judgment toward a position of power can exist if I am corrupting that power in my mind for self interest in the first place – this is the point to realize when and as I see myself judging a position of power/ myself going into a position of power in a hypothetical situation in this world, I see and realize that I can only judge it if I am embedding my ‘personal interest’ within it, and not regarding that such ‘power’ can only exist if All is equally considered in the equation, which obviously includes myself.

 

When and as I see myself judging the words ‘position of power’ when and as I hear them, I realize that I had lived a life of being conditioned to desire such power and then reject it because of the judgments I embedded onto it, not wanting to be in a ‘superior’ position by deliberately ‘lowering/ diminishing’ myself by self-judgment and in that, allow myself to only accept power as the realization of each breath that I have here in order to establish myself as the equal and one part that is able to conduct, direct and live by the principle of what’s best for all, regardless of the activity I am involved with at the moment, regardless of the ‘perceived’ position such activity entails, as I see and realize that positions of hierarchy only exist as a remains of the past that I am here to debunk, to deflate and to deconstruct to establish solutions and relationships of equality and oneness wherein no being can ever step on top of another through social acceptance of hierarchy and ‘power levels’ in this world.

This I commit myself to debunk, expose which is how ‘power’ has been a fucked up belief system wherein we have accepted and allowed ourselves to enslave each other to a more than/ less than position, sabotaging our inherent ability and capability that can be developed to establish what’s best for all in this reality as who we are, as one and equal.

 

I commit myself to make use of my abilities/ capabilities and accept myself as the path of self-perfection to ensure that all and everything that I do and accumulate is Not only for the best interest of myself, but the best interest for ALL as Equals – this is the point that changes the entire way that I as a human being has lived in this world, because I had not taken into consideration the whole as myself in the past – now I see, I realize and understand that I can use what I do, the potential I represent as an equal part/ participant of the necessary changes and processes that are required to implement and establish in this world to generate solutions and an entire point of change in this world that begins with myself, realizing how I can only have Self-Motivation as the realization of Equality as a world system that benefits all – which includes me, invariably – and in that, integrating my ‘Self-Interest’ as Previous personal interest into an actual Self-Equal and One Interest to create and manifest a world that is best for all.

I recognize that we have all been blinded to our fullest potential within structures based on fear and limitation that we can only deconstruct and reconstruct into equality if we ALL work together to take on our own lives through this deconstruction wherein I make sure that everything that I have ever been and accepted as a form of separation from the whole, is exposed, is self forgiven and corrected within the realization that this process is a collective effort to equalize life, to realize that whatever limitation another allows within themselves, it is and becomes my own limitation as well.

 

I recognize that I had been deliberately fooling around to not take the responsibility that I am fully aware I have only tampered with beliefs about myself that have deliberately maimed my abilities and capabilities, because I feared not being able to fulfill the task that I always saw I had to stand for, which is creating a world that is best for all.

 

I see and realize now that such conditions where imprinted within me as a child and that I became the perfect system to fulfill the tasks that would only benefit me within the system, disregarding that I in fact could expand and extend these achievements to a best for all outcome, which is what I here realize is what I am, what I am here to live by and establish – and that all are equally capable of doing this as well as it is not a matter of choice, but a matter of understanding who we really are and what must be done in order to establish ourselves as living-beings and stopping all survivalism in this world.

 

Self Responsibility can only be acknowledged within Self Honesty wherein what’s best for all is the only point that drives my day to day living, wherein choice doesn’t exist, it is a Self-Willed living action that I become.

 

I dedicate myself to develop my abilities and recognize my capability of becoming the point of my process as the key that I see and realize each one of us is able to be and become if our starting point is unified by a best for all principle and outcome.

 

I commit myself to not diminish myself within beliefs that I’ve kept as ‘That’s too much for me’ or ‘How am I possibly going to get there?’ without realizing that this is a physical process wherein the first point is removing all limitations and preconditions that I have accepted as ‘who I am’ and this is precisely the key point wherein the realization that I can create myself is established, with a foundation upon a living-principle as Life in Equality is the law of my being – by walking, living and aligning myself to this living-law, I am able to support life as myself, and life supports life therefore, I realize that by equalizing my potential to a best for all outcome, what I have already proven I am able and capable of being/ becoming is then expanded onto a best for all scenario, as I see and realize and understand that Life can only thrive in Equality – My life can only thrive in Equality, Existence can only thrive in Equality as Life.

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Desteni I Process 

Desteni Forum to support yourself in establishing Self-Honesty as a Self-Willed living understanding of who you really are in this world.

 

 

This blog post emerged from reading the first blog listed in the blog support area, as well as the following interview that allowed me to realize for the first time what type of limitations I had lived/ accepted and allowed within my world and that I had not been able to ‘grasp’ until I listened to this and realized that I can in fact change the starting point of who I am within my abilities and capabilities and determine myself as an active participant that commits to live/ be the solution as a Self-Willed living being to Life.

 

Blog Support:

Day 18: Dementia – The Rotten Child Syndrome
Day 17: The Trap of Dementia, Part 1
Humanity Possessed: DAY 17

 

Interview Support:

A Must Watch documentary by Adam Curtis:

The Trap – 1 – F*k You Buddy


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