Tag Archives: partner

641. Early Stages of Pregnancy: Doubts, Fears, Worries and Getting to Own the Decision

 

 This is a long overdue blog, but there are a couple of reasons why I wanted to write and share about it once that there were certain points ‘in place’ for me to openly do it. This is about the most important decision I’ve made and am still actually learning to walk in my life and to get to a point of owning it, which will mean stepping into a new phase in my life, stepping into ‘the unknown,’ into what throughout most of my life had defined as ‘the most fearful thing’ I ever could think of doing – or the ‘biggest fear’ that I could name whenever anyone asked me ‘what is it the think that you fear the most?’ and one that I thought myself to be quite certain of when it came to ‘saying no’ to it – and yes, I even may declare myself as a ‘culprit’ for having also at times attempted to discourage people from doing, since I also went through a phase where I considered overpopulation was ‘the problem’ in our world – and not the nature of who we are and so ourselves being the solution, not the ‘quantity’ – but, I’ve learned my lessons and have given myself the chance to evolve from such limited mindset that was part of some brainwashing I went through when being a ‘concerned teenager.’ And yes, I truly thought that it wasn’t going to be something I’d have to go through in life.

Well, as always, Life says ‘here I come’ and change knocks at your door and….! I am now four months pregnant (!) and the idea of bringing a child into this world with the best person I’ve known and have had as a partner is an idea that is now sitting quite well within me and I am embracing more and more as days go by, where there is actual joy and gratefulness emerging as we continue to establish the foundation of who we are individually, what we would like to provide to our child and the benefits that we can create for a new person coming into this world, for ourselves and better so, for society and the world at large… but! This wasn’t my immediate experience and it’s been a process to get to that point – I’d say it still is – so this will be about sharing the experiences I’ve been having throughout these past months.

First of all, I didn’t want to share how fearful I was and still not having walked through those fears in a way that could be supportive for others to read and possibly learn from. So, this will be a detailed explanation of what I went through when finding out I was pregnant and being open about the fears that emerged, the uncertainties, the comparisons, the prejudices that yes perhaps I didn’t even dare to confront within myself, but that I deeply experienced and had to eventually work through within myself with the support of others to as well to it, which otherwise would have probably made this a lot tougher.

I found out in May 22nd that I was pregnant with a simple pregnancy test. I had my suspicions since I’m quite regular with my period and there was already like a 3 to 4 day delay, and there were other unusual ‘symptoms’ that I wouldn’t get in my regular period. This is not my first ‘am I pregnant?’ type of ‘scare’, but this time I was doubled-troubled about it, I feared it more than other times if it turned out that it could possibly be a ‘yes.’ Somehow in the back of my head I kept the idea of ‘possibly’ perhaps, maybe, somehow having a child later on, but interestingly enough somewhere last year I had made a very ‘clear’ decision to not go into the ideas of having a child – at least for now, or so I thought! Lol. Even though being honest, the thought did emerge based on the relationship I have with my partner, but then I simply went into a more ‘rational’ view that included certain fears about finances and being able to provide for a child up to the time they are  capable of supporting themselves. Yep, since then the money concern emerged as well.

But I have to backtrack a little bit because the whole context of myself throughout this year is quite interesting to look at in what I now see almost as a ‘preparation’ of what would come almost in the middle of the year. I decidedly started the year with what I have defined now as a healing and self-creation process, which involved walking the decision to support myself to work on some points that I had just been dragging around and that could ‘possibly’ be linked to causing some health issues – which were actually intermittently happening throughout the past year – and I decided to look for alternative ways to support myself instead of only resorting to taking medicine and hoping that I ‘eradicate’ it that way. In a ‘shout out’ to get support,  I took the offer from my fellow life-processer walker and sharp-eyed friend Leila to have a Life Alignment session with her for support, and I would say that such session at the end of December of last year  turned my life around for good.

 Leila’s support and session assisted me tremendously to become aware of certain patterns I was still defining as ‘having to carry them’ to finally come to understand, forgive and let go of them, which were most likely the emotional issues causing the consequences I was facing at a physical level. Through opening up all the points that came up in that session and taking the route of the suggested alternative support, I was able to open myself up to a healing phase and at the same time, to really step into a point of self-creation that I had kept ‘on hold’ because of, in a way, still ‘torturing’ myself with the past and not really forgiving myself completely.

So, from January on after that session with her, I visited a regular doctor to find out what I had – which yes had to do something with the reproductive system – and decided to go to alternative therapies to assist with the healing and body balancing process, while knowing that there were very clear points I had to work with and process emotionally as well, which I did as well and it definitely turned my life and inner presence around as well. I started taking Qi Gong classes which I definitely enjoyed, as well as getting to hear these other two alternative medicine specialists on ‘my case,’ which assisted me a lot as well to have that understanding of how I created my own symptoms and recurrent illness – and in a way, reinforce the perspectives that I had been ignoring: being able to self-forgive and let go. Yep, at times we can be stubborn in believing we have to ‘hold on’ to something as some kind of ‘pay for the sins’ – not recommended at all, folks.

I started focusing on what I wanted to create and do this year. I started working on developing a workshop related to developing self-introspection and self-creation through the creation of art. Here my friend and terrific Life Coach Joe Kou assisted me personally with grounding these plans and projects, along with my workshop partner to ground and refine this project we had and getting to define what we wanted to actually give to do and provide to others. I was quite excited about the whole process and I’m still grateful for everything that I got to learn and – most importantly – get to define for myself in terms of ‘who I am’ in my ever ‘doubtful’ type of relationship with art. The project may be on hold, but I’m quite certain that all of these talks with Joe also assisted me to tap more into my personal potential and getting back in touch with my creative capacity again, lol, perhaps the creative capacity emerged just in a ‘slightly’ different way, lol.

I consider that all of these initiatives to support myself and the changes that I embarked myself on at an internal and external level – like setting myself into a point of self-creation and ‘breathing life’ into myself again, gaining a new perspective on life – contributed to ‘opening the gates’ to something else that I had not necessarily planned or expected, lol. Interestingly enough all the alternative support I had was also focused on getting my reproductive organs and general hormonal system balanced out. I also did some changes in my diet, but I still had some deficiencies like feeling sometimes very weak and so on. Interestingly enough, I actually didn’t want my ‘next period’ to come, because of the last massive blood loss I have had, and what would I know? That such period never came… Lol! Well my body is wise after all.

So back to the point of finding out ‘the news’ and how this time around I felt very different to go and get that pregnancy test, I was actually fearful, I even got a bit pissed on the way back from the pharmacy which is a pattern I ‘thought’ I had already ‘nipped in the bud’. I recognize that I was simply quite fearful. Well, I came home, did the test and hoped that the faint line that appeared was simply a mistake, that it wouldn’t mean a POSITIVE result. See, I actually thought I was having some delays because my body had been quite wonky in the past weeks prior to my ‘period date,’ or I thought that all the homeopathy and acupuncture sessions would be destabilizing my period a bit, but it wasn’t like that. I asked Leila about it and well yep, she let me know that even if the line is faint… it is a YES. Lol, I had not read the pregnancy test instructions properly either it seems, since I later on read that was a common thing to happen even if it was ‘very faint.’

I called my partner right after I found out. I was quite shocked and didn’t know what to do, it’s almost as if I just wanted to ‘go back in time’ and avoid it all. We decided to talk it out at night when he came home. And his response – as always – is that of taking absolute responsibility and supporting me in whichever I decided. Yep, this was tougher in a way because he said he would be ok with whatever I decided – to have the baby or not – because of me being the one that would actually go through the whole physical process of birthing the baby, and yes understanding the role of the mother in it all. He stood firm in his disposition for whatever I decided, because he simply wanted me to be ok with it.

But, as he explained this, I saw that I just didn’t have it in me to say ‘no’ to this – and his calm and assertiveness to receive the news definitely gave me an example of how one doesn’t have to ‘freak out’ as one may expect.  This is where the notion suddenly hit me: a new LIFE is taking place now in your body as we speak and this is not a matter of chance. This is a result of me also having a relationship with my partner and acknowledging that, ultimately, there’s always that chance of getting pregnant even if there’s protection involved. And at the same time, I knew that it was only what I in the moment called ‘the worst of me’ that would say ‘no’ to it, which were a bunch of fears, self-definitions, comparisons, self-doubt and general uncertainty that would prevent me from saying ‘YES, let’s do it’. In other words, I knew that only ‘the worst’ part of me – or the weakest one – would say ‘No,’ because everything else can be worked out, like in terms of finances which was one of my biggest ‘fears’ around the idea of having a baby, but that has also changed as time has progressed and we’ve both opened up this point and I am very much learning from what I could say is more like my ‘partner’s process’ which has everything to do with entrepreneurship and financial education – which actually also touches on very similar principles that I’ve walked on for these past 11 years.  Money hasn’t been my ‘forte’ but I am learning a lot from how my partner currently approaches it, therefore I am learning to not only see fears and lack in my relationship with money, but rather learning HOW we can make things work and genuinely decide what is of real value, which we both agree on is not a ‘ton of material things’ in that sense, but rather seeing the actual wealth there is in the education that we can provide for the child as well.

Before this moment condensed into a reality, I actually have had a dream on April 16th where I would realize I was pregnant, and it felt extremely real, or dare I say ‘frightfully real.’ I would think something like ‘Oh oh! I’m pregnant, this is actually happening’ and I would kind of move to making a decision about it and I would think to myself: ‘Well, I guess it’s time to grow up now’ And my presence and nature would be that of embracing it, of actually accepting it and being ok with it. Only afterwards did some financial fears emerged about ‘how I would go on about it’, which I guess is one of the most common fears that emerge whenever you start planning to have a child or are already pregnant. I woke up from that dream and said  to my partner ‘I had a nightmare! And proceeded to share what the dream was about, Lol! But I let it go and didn’t make much of it.

So once that we were discussing about the pregnancy that night of the day we found out, I remembered that dream and how I had afterwards assessed that it had been ‘the best part of me’ that had stood up in the dream to be ok with it, accept it and embrace this maturity or new phase and ‘letting go of the childish me’ so to speak, which I know is also quite the problem in my generation, which involves not really wanting to take responsibility for ourselves, and ‘worse off’ not for any other either.  I also knew that in a way I was holding on to this belief that I had always said to everyone when asked about wanting or having kids and always saying ‘No, no, no… Me? No! that’s not for me, I won’t have kids. That’s the most important decision in life and the most important job in the world, and I respect parents a lot, they are really brave, hat’s off, but that’s just… not for me.’ But deeply inside knowing this was in fact cowardice and so in a way I realized that the time had come for me to face one of those ‘greatest fears,’ which I opened up about – to a certain extent – to my partner.

There was a sense of responsibility as well but also of understanding how I just was very scared of assuming now my decision and responsibility. I can definitely say that such discussion was assuring for me from the perspective that he assisted me to dispel some of the most immediate fears around money, about ‘not being capable’ of doing this and rather seeing the possibilities and how this kind of challenges would actually support us to grow more and to give ourselves another purpose to our lives together and in our personal development. I realized later on that, as he said, this was our chance to actually create some change in the world, which it certainly is. I’m glad as well how this is something I came to understand some years ago where I went from seeing kids as ‘a burden to the planet’ to more like the opportunity actually change the current state of affairs in humanity over the generations, and what a better way and opportunity to do so than with being able to raise a child.

At that moment I decided to say ‘Yes, let’s do it’ but it wasn’t a FULL decision made with the wholeness of my being. I still had the fears, the uncertainties, the fear of losing the baby in those first 3 months of gestation, the fear of going through problems that would not enable the proper development of the child, fearing that my body wasn’t ‘fit for it’ yet, etc. These fears plagued my head for weeks – and yes I accepted and allowed it. I knew that I had said YES and went on with it, but a part of me was simply fearing that ‘it would not happen,’ that my body was not ‘at its best’ to be carrying a baby. I also feared letting go of the plans I had recently created, I feared letting go of the ‘ME’ that I’ve known and the idea of just having to ‘do what I please’. Yep in essence, I did go through a mourning process in a way of having ‘my plans’ changed and then at the same time not having anything certain yet – nothing is, still – but in my mind at least it is now ‘safer’ to say that I am pregnant because of the amount of time that has transpired and because I’ve seen the baby developing really well in the womb J Who knows, yes anything can happen, but then I also walked another point that I will describe later on in terms of not being defined by the outcome, but walking a decision regardless of it.

So for me in general, finding out that I was pregnant, that WE are going to be parents and bring a human being into this world wasn’t immediately met with enthusiasm, happiness,  joy and jubilee – as I had perceived ‘I should have done’ but why? Because of my fears, mostly of the pregnancy actually ‘not sticking,’ of my body not being ‘fit’ enough to develop another life within me, not having ‘what it takes’ to bring a child into this world. These were mostly the fears that became an incessant type of doubt and uncertainty throughout most of the first weeks. And the fears then sparked up more and with some pains I had that demanded me to be ‘taking it easy’ most of the time and minimize my activity – like barely going out for 3 months – and then on top of that the nausea started kicking in… I just felt like in a limbo. That’s all I could say to my partner for some weeks ‘I feel like in a limbo’ of not being able to truly say ‘this is certain, we are having a baby’ or not, and yes there is that ‘weight’ over me to in a way ‘make it happen,’ but fortunately enough my partner was always supportive and considerate and not really concerned if it couldn’t get to form and ‘happen’ as expected. But he also taught me to stop expecting ‘the worst’ all the time, which I am still learning and frankly once again getting to step out of, since it’s almost as if my old-age pessimism kicked back in.

The nausea so far has been the worst of the pregnancy process up to now, I mean I don’t want to discourage anyone with saying this, but I do want to be as realistic as possible because this is my experience and I really felt like a zombie, like constantly ill for weeks on.  I also felt ‘odd’ for not being so ‘happy’ about the news at first  – even though when sharing the news to those closest to me, it felt like there was a sense of joy in it, but that I couldn’t just for now ‘take it for granted,’ so I would just go back to the limbo-phase of smiling but deep inside me, not really being certain of what I was ‘getting myself into’ nor if it would physically ‘work out, or that I had ‘what it takes’ to pull it off.  

I must say that abortion (miscarriage) had not been in my mindset or radar before, this I mostly got as a ‘real scare’ because of knowing of a situation from someone I know that went through it and that kind of placed it in my awareness and, yes, what can I say? I moved the least I could because, it would hurt and be painful to just go walking to the store close-by. I felt like crippled because of not having my ‘me time’ every day to just go out and about with my long walks and generally longed for ‘feeling fine’, but I also realized this was part of a process and decision I had agreed to go through and that I had to actually care about another’s life developing within me, one that me and my partner had planted as a little seed. And because yes a 20 minute walk ‘at my usual pace’ had detonated a pain that actually got me in pain and therefore in crying and fearing that I would be placing this baby’s life at risk, I decided to keep myself resting and that was definitely a tough time where even writing became very repetitive and somber with describing only the worst of the experiences, and found it difficult to see any ‘light at the end of the tunnel.’ I knew that this was taking a toll on me, so I reached out for support again.

Once again, it was through Leila’s support with her Life Alignment session that assisted me to actually open up this ‘limbo-mindset’ and get to face it, even though I had seen the fears moving in my mind and me demonstrating it and acting them out in what became, I would say,’ the pessimist me’ that was ‘waiting’ just for the time to pass so that I could have ‘some certainty’ of actually being pregnant, actually having a baby or not. More like desiring to have some ‘control’ over the idea of being pregnant or not.  Through the session I was able to face and open up the fears about ‘it not really happening’ and I actually allowed myself to realize I was in fact fearing not having the baby, and that I was at the same time in a way mourning or letting go of ‘the old me,’ and I got to see the ‘big’ point that I’ve seen comes up in my life when having to take care of another being: selfishness. And that whole idea of ‘me, my time, my life, only doing what I want and what I like’ and having that self-definition printed on me like my creed, a very limiting one to be honest. I actually cried out when realizing through the session how I was in fact preventing me from embracing, being happy and joyful about the pregnancy because of not wanting to create ‘a bond’ with someone that I could ‘lose’ or see not ‘happening’ if something went awry.

I’ve also taken this as if Life was also throwing this ball at me kind of like saying ‘So you speak of supporting life, and life in equality, and wanting the best for all eh? But you don’t want to actually have a child and see what it takes to actually care for another life as yourself?’ Well, this is my characterization of it lol, but I saw my own principles and words ‘staring back at me’ and this also led me to see that it was – again – only the worst of me that could be fearing stepping into a new phase in my life. Leila assisted me to realize there was a mourning process of letting go as well of ‘the me and my life that I’ve known up to now’ but most importantly, I was able to admit to myself that I actually wanted to have the child, I just feared not having it and having to go through the loss and the pain that goes with it.

In a way, I was creating a detachment  as a defense-mechanism to the whole idea of being pregnant because then my logic was ‘If it doesn’t ‘stick then I would not feel ‘attached’ or already ‘hyped’ with the idea and having let everyone know about the news.’ It became something like a ‘safe spot’ to be at, to not be so defined by the idea of having a child, because I still ‘could not be certain.’ Well, it then became obvious how then how my decision to say ‘Yes, let’s do it’ contained this whole point of uncertainty and fears in the background – and selfishness as well, making it about ‘how I feel’ instead of actually rooting and being up for giving it my all and being my best at it for something that I am deciding to do along with my partner.  So this also took some time for me to assimilate and actually open up to the new and actual change in life.

What opened up in that session also enabled me to discuss these points with my partner, and he was able to understand what I meant when I would say ‘I still can’t believe we are going to have a child’ – which he would understand as some kind of pleasant surprise statement, but to me it was a real ‘I can’t still be certain of it’, I still can’t ‘wrap my head around it,’ and also because of the early stages of it. So that was yet another very supportive talk we had, where we got to open up one of my most ‘ingrained’ traits, which is yes, pessimism and almost expecting the worst of all things to happen at any moment. So I got to open up about these and other fears, which is also where I got to see how my own mindset was generating this sense of uncertainty and fear, and how I wasn’t allowing myself to fully LIVE the decision of having a baby and instead, being almost like ‘leaving it at the hands of life to decide what would be or not be.’ And here it’s very relevant to make a distinction as well because sure, it could have or could still happen that it doesn’t work out, and that then would be something for me to get to understand, learn from, embrace and move on with. But I no longer fear having to go through it as I did at the beginning.

The main point here is how I was creating this whole fear and uncertainty because of not realizing that I could decide to be OK with either/or scenario as well. I was defining myself already by the idea that ‘losing the baby’ would be a bad, negative, painful process and that would ‘define me’ somehow – so that’s how I then would ‘prevent’ going through all such ‘negative things’ by remaining in that limbo = not being truly standing in and as my decision to have the child, because then logic said “If ‘something happens’ = It would not be something that I was already ‘attached’ to, or future projecting about.” Well, this was quite revealing to me in how I was in fact standing only in fears and prejudices. I had to stop. My partner was awesome in discussing this with me, he is in fact the most supportive partner I’ve ever had and has been an exemplar pillar of support for me since day one, and he was able to assist me to face these points and to realize that I didn’t have to be defined by either outcome, that either way: Life goes on and we will be fine at the end of it all.

An interesting thing though to realize is that at that stage and having walked our first months with the pregnancy together, I realized that based on how enthusiastic he was, how he pushed himself to from the get-go get himself ‘moving’ to do things he needs to do to have sufficient time and financial support for when the baby arrives, and how every single day he would wake up with a smile in his face and saying ‘we’re going to have a baby!’ that even if this didn’t ‘happen,’ I would still go through the whole thing again to try it again. Lol! I can’t believe my words, but it is so. Based on the values that we share, the ‘who we are’ that we can share with a new being definitely becomes an attractive idea that overrides everything else that I also feared like the actual pregnancy and birthing process, the incessant crying, the growing pains, the discomforts when they are little babies etc.… that goes to a secondary stage when placing ‘what we both have to offer’ to a child, not to mention that he loves children and is quite a natural with them, treating them the same way as I do, not from an ‘I’m an adult and you are a child’ type of starting point, but one of equals and talking to them as the fully formed beings they are. And so that does fill my heart with joy in a way, to work together now on someone else based on seeing how well we get along and how supportive and loving we are to each other, as in really assisting ourselves to be the best that we can as individuals.

What has emerged within me therefore is an actual gratefulness of this opportunity to bring a child into this world and I basically turned my stance around from indecision, fears, what ifs, future worst-case scenario creations to rather being able to trust myself in this, to know that we can together handle this because we got the foundation that’s most important – from my perspective – a solid, supportive and loving relationship where we each have demonstrated each other to support ourselves to live the best that we can be, and that we haven’t ever ‘pushed us down’ to become the worst of us, but quite the contrary, and this has been a daily living thing, which has shown tremendous results in both of our lives.  

I am not fearful or ashamed to say that this time around, I wasn’t the ‘strong one’ with this whole new path and decision in my life, I wasn’t the one that would ‘help the other’- as I was used to – to come to terms with something. I was definitely the one that was supported by my partner who stood solid and quite optimistic about the whole thing. It was definitely another point of ego for me to let go of, because I had always believed that in my relationships, I’d always be the one to ‘help the other out,’ and I am actually glad and grateful to be with someone by your side that is there to support you when one is crumbling in fears and in a general low. So, it is also safe for me to say that as much as the decision was placed ‘on my plate,’ I knew that this decision would not only impact me of course, that this was part of my partner’s life process and a point that was opening up for both of us in the path we decided to walk together J And I couldn’t be happier about it now that I’ve come to assimilate it, embrace it and root for it as the days go by. 

But, who knows if I haven’t had a supportive partner or someone that was as pessimist as I was, or as fearful or only focusing on ‘financial problems’ or seeing it as a ‘load’ or doubting themselves in not being able to ‘pull it off.’ I guess that things would have been a bit different, but this is also a general point to become aware of when being in a relationship and not having a super secure method to avoid pregnancy – if not desiring to have any children –  to be aware of the possibilities of getting pregnant and making sure that one is in a supportive relationship, that one can actually step into that possibility of having a child together and know exactly where each other stands in it. Otherwise, this is also a problem in humanity where people just ‘get together’ because they ‘like each other’ or have some ‘fun together,’ but have no idea of where each one stands in the ‘hypothetical’ yet very possible scenario of having children which it surely is a life changing situation.

In my case, that is something I considered, I observed and assessed and ‘tested the waters’ on with my partner to know where he stood in such potential situation. It would have been quite different if ending up pregnant with someone that perhaps really dislikes children or wants to just have a partnership relationship forever. So even if this wasn’t planned, I sure knew where my partner stood about it and now I embrace that unconditional support that he has become for me in my life and receive it in gratefulness, instead of perhaps going into regret for not having stood up and being ‘my best’ from the get go – this is part of the things I probably had to learn and experience firsthand to then be able to root or ground myself in this life changing decision.

There are so many other things that have opened up in relation to walking now into a bit of a more ‘certain’ phase of the pregnancy, like looking at how it will change our lives, the ‘letting go’ of ‘me/my-time’ for some years, but at the same time actually being glad about it because it is in fact an opportunity to test myself in a whole new terrain, to learn more about myself, to learn to work in a team with my partner, to learn to live that unconditional love and care towards another being, and be that which I would want every newborn child in this world to have: a supportive environment, a supportive family, a pair of individuals that are preparing themselves to do the best they can to bring up a life in this world that can continue our individual paths to become better human beings in all that we do. It is fascinating how to me this is what excites me the most and knowing that this is a child that will contain both of our lives and paths to in a way, re-birth ourselves into the best, to assist in the process of possibly getting to correct the things that we both know is the worst of us and to be able to in essence create – perhaps – a better version of ourselves and of our parents in this forthcoming phase of our lives.

So in essence, now that the nausea has subsided, now that I’ve seen how the baby is doing, there’s more of a sense of certainty around it. And even with the process of planning, placing ourselves in the position of ‘preparing’ to the next year when baby arrives, is opening up so many cool discussions between us where I get to be more and more certain and actually quite happy and grateful to be carrying a life that contains my partner’s life as well, because he is quite an extraordinary human being that has demonstrated, in a rather short period of time, to be able to turn his life around in ways that few people I know have been able to. That assists me in my own trust and confidence to walk into this new phase in life.

It’s also very relevant for women to have that kind of support in a partner considering that I have seen how there are emotional upheavals, there are changes one goes through in the body and that having a partner that doesn’t react to my ‘emotional upheavals’– but understands it’s part of the process –  that gives comforting words and caresses, that doesn’t judge my body as it goes through its changes, that helps me to see that the discomforts and so on is part of the process for something better to come is something that I am truly grateful and learning from, and absolutely relevant and a great example as well for me to see how it is possible to face even the ‘difficult parts’ with a better sight on things to come. So if you are a male reading this, it’s best to also do your part on getting to understand what women go through in pregnancy, which is what my partner has done in his spare time, even to the point where he has now gotten to explain certain things to me, because he’s made the decision to be there all the way to support me and wants to be, what he calls, a ‘second mother’ lol, and not be the typical father role that is portrayed in pregnancy books-  or at least the older ones that I got from my sisters J

So to me, as important as it is to be taking physical care of myself, having proper nutrition – after a few of the rather not so supportive ‘cravings’ I gave into in the first weeks – gaining more confidence in going for walks, stepping out of general fears and doubts of ‘being able to do this,’ and more like embracing the being that is growing in me it is also important to have that equal stance from the other in the relationship. So as with anything, I guess for anyone reading this my suggestion is to yes prepare the body and one’s mind as much, but to also fully, fully disclose and talk things out with your partner first and know ‘where he stands’ in it all, because it does require great courage to embrace this in the best way possible. Sure we all got our points to walk, but that’s where having that support in one another comes in to face such experiences. Well, I say this, but I bet my partner would simply say that any challenge in life is an opportunity to motivate himself more, a challenge that makes him just push himself and see the benefits that it creates, which become a well-rounded purpose in life and that to me is quite an example I am learning from and grateful to be walking along this new path with.

To me this whole process has taught me how I don’t have to play strong all the time, or still fall into the belief that ‘I am the one that should save or assist others,’ but rather recognize my own weaknesses and be ok with receiving support from those that are around me and to ask for specific support when needed, otherwise, who knows where I would have been without the support I got from my partner, my immediate family, Leila, Joe and the people that directly worked on myself and my body with the alternative therapies, which I am also grateful for having the opportunity to have.

I realized it is also OK to not be initially happy, ecstatic, joyful and jumping up and down about the idea of being pregnant. I understand that I don’t have to compare myself to how other women – specifically – have faced their pregnancy or motherhood process, and I kind of knew that I set myself up to this kind of uncertainty and fears because of me having fed the fears of ‘having a baby’ or ‘becoming a parent’ for most of my life, it was ‘THE’ most feared point in my existence, and I held it as a very ingrained belief. So this is another learning point to become aware of what we say ‘never to’ and realize that Life may have a different plan for us and that we may actually end up facing such things we ‘fear the most’ and that it is actually not something to fear, but to rather take on as a challenge, an opportunity for growth, for change and to embrace the opportunities and paths that it will entail.  And that it is ok to not be all smiles about it, but take it as a very physical process of growth and development that it is and eventually as the very real responsibility and opportunity to challenge myself that it will represent with all that entails to be a parent, and be definitely fully UP for it – or at least knowing that I can trust myself to work on the bits I may go facing and being uncertain of, or the mistakes I may make. It’s all part of life.

I wake up every day aware of being pregnant and that is quite something to see growing in my body, but more so enjoying as well how this has opened up so many potentials in our lives in how we can best support a new child coming into this world, how to best prepare us, how to be also OK with making mistakes and facing the unexpected too, to not try and have everything ‘under control’ or attempt to ‘know as much as I can’ either. I am also allowing myself to simply take it easy with it, focusing on our physical wellbeing and continuing building the bond with my partner through it with the expectation of a third person coming into our home J He says we will be having so much fun, and I’m so glad he sees it that way because it is contagious how he can talk about what I would’ve defined as ‘tough things to go through ahead’ and he’d see it as something funny to go through, something challenging that can push one to the limits of seeing how much one can stand through. Lol, anyways it has assisted me a lot to have a different outlook on the idea of becoming a mother, becoming parents and yes, why not, also leaving that ‘selfish-me’ phase behind, which sure might be challenging, but hey, this is what Life has now placed on my plate, so that means I’m ready, I can take it, let’s do it J

Thanks for reading if you got up to here! I’m open to any feedback, questions or comments – or any topic that may require going into some depth.

For Spanish speakers, I’ve been sharing my weekly process within the pregnancy and reflecting back on how things apply to anyone else in their lives in my Encausarte Podcast from Episode #23 on.

Recommended series! Parenting on Eqafe.com

 

Life Emerges

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89. Righteous Victim

Continuing from
  • 87. Tantrum-me : Explaining the memory of childhood that created the pattern and condition of ‘the victim’
  • 88. The Victim: Walking the Self-Forgiveness process on the childhood memory along with other points that emerged when walking the Self Forgiveness
 
Self Corrective Statements.

This is the Self-Corrective process to stop the pattern from playing out from here on when and as I see myself in particular events/ situations that present the same trigger points that I would react to based on the particular character identified as ‘The Victim.’

 

When and as I see myself suiting a memory in order to place myself as the victim within a particular event/situation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the ability to stop playing as a character based on the past as memory is here the moment that I do not participate and instead, continue walking, breathing and directing myself in common sense according to what is here as reality.

 

I realize that the advantage used before within ‘being the offended’ in the story was to place myself as superior to the other characters in the story, without realizing that I cannot base my existence of ‘who I am’ as the offender/ offended in a particular event – it is about me taking responsibility for what I do, say and think in the moment wherein if I in any way think or react in an emotional way, I direct myself to investigate the point to see where it is that I haven’t yet walked the self forgiveness in relation to the particular memory it is stemming from, in order to realize the cycle that must be stopped as a particular thinking pattern within me, such as victimizing myself toward beings in my reality based on the memories I held of them within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself expecting someone to feel ‘bad’ about something that they have done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am following the pattern of expecting someone to react in a way that makes me feel in ‘power and control’ over them. Thus I direct myself to instead support myself to stop any thoughts, reactions and then support them to instead of falling into guilt, blame and remorse, realize the point of responsibility through self-forgiveness and walk the necessary corrections in self-honesty.

 

When and as I see myself acting out of righteousness as in thinking that ‘I want to/ I can do this all by myself,’ I stop and I breathe- I realize this is the ego of the mind speaking as the ingrained pattern in and during childhood. Thus I realize that I can instead learn how to work and direct points in working with others, as that is an effective way to expand ourselves into a more effective way of living as equals.

 

I realize that this is in essence an ingrained pattern that I played out as a child wherein I would deliberately want to do it ‘on my own’ based on how my parents wanted to do things for me, the same with teachers when placing an example and giving ‘too many examples for my taste,’ wherein I would go into a haste of wanting them to just stop and allow me to do it on my own.

 

I realize then that this pattern of wanting to do it on my own and in essence devoid of ‘authority supervision’ was my way to prove that I do not require to be directed by others- just another form of incipient ego that I developed as a child because it was not from an actual realization of me being able to do it by myself, but mostly getting pissed off when ‘being shown’ how to do things, placing myself in the ego stance as if I was already ‘all knowing’ and didn’t require to be directed.

 

When and as I see myself reacting in exasperation and irritation when things/ points are being shown to me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the only reason why I am reacting is because I am coming from the ‘who I am’ as the ego that doesn’t require explanations, directions and ‘knows how to do it,’ which is till this day an ingrained pattern wherein I react whenever someone gives me direction and common sense is shoved away and first emerges this reaction of ‘being told what to do,’ wherein I then believe that I was not being ‘effective enough’ and as such, diminish myself in that moment of taking the directions/ suggestions, instead of walking in common sense to not consider who is giving the instructions and within what context – but simply hear and apply based on common sense as what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself reacting to authority in/as any personality/ character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I simply have to consider at all times what is best for all, and as such direct myself to establish my common –sense as a living direction wherein I stop acting and reacting based on the ‘who I am’ as the ego of the past, and instead unconditionally live here in every moment character-less.

 

When and as I see myself using any means such as ‘threats’ in order for others to act / move / direct a particular point, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this authoritarian character and imposition is a point that I accepted and allowed myself to play out from childhood wherein I learned how I would only move if I was threatened with something.

 

I realize that this mechanism acts in the form of instilling fear of experiencing something that I loathed – for example, being tickled until I would almost pee myself – if I didn’t remove my school uniform when getting home from school – which became a ‘game’ with my mother though at the same time I was actually petrified of being tickled until I would almost or sometimes pee myself because of the laughter mixed with fear.

 

I see that what may seem as a ‘meaningless game’ has actually instilled a traumatic-exposure as a way to move/ direct myself instead of having a common sensical explanation of why I should do it, instead of just imposing and order along with a threat if I didn’t do it.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘special’ because of not reacting/ acting in an apparent ‘predictable pattern’ in relation to ‘the masses’ – I stop and I breathe- I realize that any reaction and any assessment of ‘which character am I at the moment’ is also another form of ego as I am basing my existence here in the moment in relation to comparing myself to others in the moment.

 

Thus I remain breathing wherein there can exist no character at all.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing a sense of freedom, self-direction and independence when pushing a trolley – which is and has been a quiet experience within me every time and only now am I noticing it – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is linked to that point of ‘taking the wheel’ in my life as a self-righteousness pattern, along with the characters of efficiency and effectiveness that I have exposed to myself in relation to my father. Thus I direct myself to simply walk with a trolley here, in the moment, one and equal, doing whatever it is that I have to do in the supermarket.

 

It’s fascinating how such a seemingly ‘unimportant’ point as pushing a trolley can be loaded with an entire character based on ingrained memories from the past as childhood.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do the opposite of what the perceived point of authority in my reality is pointing out myself to be/ do and direct, I stop and I breathe. I realize that acting out of reaction is not best for all, but only suiting my ego as to ‘be right’ / have the best direction and/ or just deliberately causing friction within another as an ingrained way to maintain myself as ‘superior’ and ‘right’ toward others.

 

When and as I see myself saying the words ‘why didn’t you tell me? How come no one let me know?’ I stop and I breathe – I ensure that I am not charging these words with energy as in feeling ‘left out’ and ‘rejected’ or deliberately ignored based on the memories of myself as a child – thus I realize that I can direct such words to relate to a practical point wherein I do not take things personally, but instead first see and check what was the context in the moment and if I was required to ‘be there’ or not.

 

A memory comes up when I was at the farm and I was washing, which means that I would not be hearing much based on the noises in the laundry room. And then I saw that there was not much movement around, so after a while I realized that everyone was in a meeting and I had not been called – I got into such anger immediately toward my partner in that time because ‘it was his duty to let me know,’ and in that moment I became possessed with anger that I eventually exerted it out after all onto him, which was one of the times that I was being shown and revealed how I was blowing things out of proportion and deliberately wanting him to react in a similar way. But because I would see ‘indifference’ and ‘no reaction,’ I would get even more pissed off about it. I was instead shown how I was simply acting out of a mind possession, which was a cool point to see and realize once I allowed myself to Hear and stopping the raging backchat in the moment. I saw how I would immediately take it personal instead of investigating first the point and remain here as breath throughout it, and direct the necessary points to correct from here on. Instead I reacted heavily in anger which I see can be associated with this childhood memory and other memories of believing and perceiving that I am deliberately being ignored/ not called/ not taken into consideration – plus not getting the necessary ‘shame’ and remorse from another to make myself feel like the righteous victim in that moment – which is only a mind-trap for me to remain as a victim that can later on use this as a means to retaliate toward the person/ people that apparently had ‘done this unto me.’

 

When and as I see myself reacting to people in a certain event wherein I believe that I am being deliberately uninformed/ left out/ rejected – I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to remain here as breath and instead simply get the necessary points that I require to be aware of and continue with my daily tasks/ doings.

When and as I see myself deliberately raging against someone within the expectation of having them react to my words in a similar negative way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this point of ‘raging against someone’ must not even exist if I am able t to direct myself in breath throughout situations instead of taking it personally and blowing things out of proportion.

 

I realize that I am reacting in an automated manner based on the memories of ‘who I am’ that I had not even been able to spot before as they were patterns ingrained in childhood.

 

When and as I see myself going into the pattern of being the ‘odd one’ in the family context, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just based on certain events wherein I built up the belief of me not being ‘a desired child’ which I would use as a means to have something to ‘oppose to’ in my world just for the sake of creating friction and conflict toward others.

 

I instead direct myself to remain here as breath, communicating and being here without assessing ‘who I am’ in that moment as a character based on the past in relation to the memory of myself as part of a particular family construct.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to deliberately blow things out of proportion in order to instigate further inner conflict in another so that I can feel like ‘the winner’ in my own mind, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is me wanting to enhance myself as the self-righteousness character. Instead, I direct myself to remain here as breath wherein I can hear/ read the point unconditionally and as such, place myself in the shoes of another to see what is the best direction to give and do based on what’s best for all parts involved.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am being deliberately ‘excluded’ for some point/ activity/ event, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am taking it personal wherein I think that I am being singled out for the sake of some personal ego reasons. I realize that this is only existent within my mind based on how I programmed myself from childhood to believe that I was the ‘unwanted child’ and as such, have a ‘reason’ to rebel against family/ authority in my mind.

 

When and as I see myself deliberately getting angry, shouting and making an entire ‘big deal’ out of an event in order to instill fear and a general shock in another so that they can react in guilt, shame, remorse, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am simply wanting to place myself as above them and getting an energetic kick out of their reaction. Thus I breathe through the words, I stop any reaction and instead direct the point within the consideration of what is best for all in the moment, ensuring I do not take it personal but instead support myself and the other person to establish a proper communication to sort out/ direct the point effectively.

 

When and as I see myself speaking words toward another from the starting point of deliberately ‘putting more wood on the fire,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am acting out of the victim personality that seeks to feel ‘more’ and ‘better’ than the other by instigating a particular ‘negative experience’ within them, so that I can feel good/ positive experience within me.

 

I realize that I am able to share perspectives and points in another however, all have to be based from the clear starting point of ensuring that I am not deliberately pointing fingers as to make others feel ‘like shit’ but to support another as myself to establish ourselves as self-directive beings that in all cases consider what is best for all people involved in equality.

 

When and as I see myself taking the ‘benevolent being’ character that is ‘willing to forgive another for what they’ve done,’ I realize that this is just plain ego as no one can forgive another, it is plain separation. I instead support another to walk through the point in Self-Forgiveness wherein I ensure I also walk the necessary self-forgiveness to unconditionally let go of any reactions emerging in the moment within me – I take responsibility for my mind, my thoughts, my words and reactions – thus I make sure I am breathing before speaking.

 

When and as I see myself playing out the character of ‘the one that is able to point out shit in another,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this ‘observer’ pattern as ‘the judge’ has been prominent within me instead of placing myself equal and one to another in the moment to then direct myself ‘as them’ to see the points that require direction. I see and realize that taking the character of ‘the judge’ is me believing myself to always be right and a such already place myself as inequality toward another – I direct myself to ensure I am breathing when interacting with another and I place myself in the moment within the consideration of what is best for all as equality and oneness.

 

When and as I see myself playing out the ‘polite one’ in order to get what I want, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is a manipulative pattern within me wherein I can simply direct myself to ask for the point without using surreptitious cloaked means to do so by instilling positivity in another to get my reward/ prize/ winning situation.

 

When and as I see myself expecting some ‘reward’ from another based on a previous event wherein I have experienced myself as ‘the victim,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that reward is and has been a mechanism to make myself feel better after having felt being wronged and as such, all forms of ‘instilling happiness’ within me is based on me allowing myself to exist as a character based on the past and memories of childhood. Thus, I direct myself to not expect and not create any future projections and expectation toward anything or anyone.

 

When and as I see myself deliberately placing a gesture of sadness, depression or any other anguished face – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is only possible when I am around people and I want to deliberately make them react to the face and ask ‘what is wrong?’ ‘what is going on?’ – hence this is deliberate manipulation that can only exist if I allow myself to remain as a character that instills a negative experience In another, to obtain commiseration as a positive experience in reward, which is just me supporting characters as myself and others in this world. I ensure that I first take on the thought pattern to see where and how I am victimizing myself in the moment, walk it through self forgiveness to ensure I stop the character in its root – myself – instead of going out and deliberately exposing it to get the reactions I want/ need and require to maintain the victimization character.

 

I commit myself to continue writing out the characters ingrained within childhood that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as it is clear how such points have remained as a righteousness within me without questioning it further, instead of realizing that I have been the creator of them all  = hence it is absolutely possible for me to stop them.

 

I commit myself to remain here as breath in every single moment of my day to day living, wherein I realize that the smallest reaction is myself existing as a character that must be investigated, self forgiven and self-corrected to stop the cycles of the past existing within and as  me.

 

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Darla 06

Darla (2006)

Self Support on Childhood memories and considerations to walk in our process:


Day 48: My Smile is a Rifle + I’m pointing it at you.

  • When you smile at a stranger, there is already a minute outflow of energy. You become a giver.~Eckhart Tolle*

 

The truth is that I would smile to people on the streets when having eye contact and when I had deliberately decided to establish such contact through ensuring that I could have them ‘by my side’ by demonstrating a physical gesture that would let them know ‘I come in peace and I intend no harm’ – which implies the starting point was  fear itself:  “People are strange when you’re a stranger” is what I learned from Jim Morrison only as a phrase that could get stuck in my head along with any other song that I would listen to in casual places.  When spirituality came into my world – or I drove myself into spirituality – I read information on how within giving away these ‘positive vibes’ and ‘thinking positive’ all the time could in fact ‘help’ to create a better world. Obviously having been submerged in a rather stagnant and pessimist phase before that, I went for it – and began being the positive charm that could engage anyone with a soft-voice and a pre-planned smile that I knew could open the doors in a world wherein fear closes them all.

 

So,when going through life smiling at people during this phase, I can confirm what Mr. T* says in his quote here – I would create this fluffy experience which can only confirm two things:

1. I did it because of the nice fluffy experience within myself only, while thinking that I was causing the same in another as well – foolishly so believing that this in any way could ‘make their day better’ lol – which is what LOVE is justified as

2. I always did it in means of protecting myself from the actual fear that I would  carry myself around with when interacting/ directing myself toward humans in general when walking on the street – smiling as in ‘breaking the ice’ in order to sugar-coat the actual need to be ‘smiled-back’ as a means to talk myself into believing that: people aren’t that ‘bad’ after all, all we need is a bit of extending your mouth to demonstrate that you are a ‘good person’ as well! – yes, I  cannot even recall ‘who I was’ as such person any more. It did work at all times and would get me many opportunities however: all stemming from fear, from actual deliberate manipulation to have people ‘on my side’ while actually fearing they could insult me, rob me, attack me or anything else that I would be constantly paranoid about while walking in the streets – this way I thought I could ‘prevent me’ from being deliberately targeted as then any people would commiserate and believe myself to be this enlightened being that doesn’t deserve such harm. Of course I didn’t do this with every single person, it was mostly with those that I had to directly communicate with them for any practical purposes, as well as the ones I had to have ‘uncomfortable situations’ with, like sitting on the train together, in a bus, in an elevator, arriving at a bench in a park and sitting next to someone, etc.

The fact is that it is so much ‘better’ for the mind to be an affable person all the time and smiling and seeking this acceptance all the time as it creates you a ‘good reputation’ + the added positive energy wherein I would self-talk myself into being adding props for my enlightened closer-to-god personality that is used to manipulate people with the ‘I am Love’ Tag while secretly asking ‘Love me back, please’ – yet what I see is that I was only following my own deception: ‘giving a smile’ is obviously not going to change anything in this world other than generating a few energetic sparks inside my body and believing that I was supporting my self-enlightened interest to become an absolute benevolent being. Lol, yes delusion is easy when being in spirituality/ the good positive side of the coin – or should I say the ‘moon’ because I was certainly not even aware of how on Earth I was able to maintain myself living with using money as a means to do so. I have only found out after years that I was only playing another ‘video game’ reality of attaining heaven through keeping score of my own ‘good deeds’ – the more I could create a fluffy experience about it: the better.

I actually after having written out this first part of the blog, went out on the street and noticed that a girl around 9 had this very eerie gesture toward me while watching me walking down the street, and as I came closer to her she suddenly just grinned – which proved the point that I had written out here on how people first Fear each other all the time and then smiling is just a way to cover up that initial fear or whatever it is she could have experienced and demonstrated with her face in awe. (note: I still have a shaved head and that’s still not a regular thing around here for women.) And! I also realized that I would constantly have a smile on my face, like this rigid gesture that I would keep in order to seem affable for all of the above mentioned reasons – the same when ‘looking at nature’ and believing that GOD had wanted me to get out of my house for a walk in that very moment because I was going to witness these two little birds chasing after each other – or a piece of glowing plastic with the sunrays creating this beautiful contrast with the green foliage and a bit of dry leafs – the same would happen when encountering a dead little bird on the side walk – and I am exaggerating a bit with the ‘god’ thing, but I would definitely create all forms of nice positive experiences from JUST looking at reality. Yes, people, I was very/ highly deluded creating and seeking experiences through my eyes – and I’ve walked that in the blog ‘Lugubrious Romantic’ that you can read more about and the process of self correction for it, which I have been applying and was definitely cool to spot the point in such a specific way.

 

 

So, I must say to Mr. T that I wholeheartedly disagree again with his statement, as it is reducing any actual ability for a human being to realize what giving and receiving in equality is and implies, and wrapping it up to nothing more than just another double-cheese burger to-go that can satiate the never ending quench for energy that we as human beings have denigrated ourselves to: nothing else but loveseeking fizzy bubbly machines to always seek for our next greatest excitement (energy) – yet neglecting any actual understanding of what it would actually mean to be a ‘giver’ in reality. Instead of smiles becoming an actual expression in the moment as self, they became just another way to cope with my reality of which I was extremely fearful of, constantly, almost paranoid at times – which was also enhanced by the delirium that ‘I am this benevolent being in a world of tyrants and mean people’ – so a lot of fabricated delusions can be played out in a single fleeting moment of smiling to a stranger. Some can even understand ‘SEX’?’ and get the message entirely wrong – you never know what gestures imply as they have also become a part of the deceptive means to ‘imply’ things without having the courage to speak about them up front. I speak for myself when I say that, and have walked that specifically as I realize how we fear actually being willing to communicate openly and in self honesty, which is how the infamous ‘misunderstandings’ emerge as a way to confuse us even further from the initial point wherein we sought some sense of recognition and comfort – a single smile.

 

Another fact is that when reading that quote at first me as ‘marlen-value’ pointed it out toward sex: ‘you are a giver’ as in you are satisfying someone else’s senses – which is like giving entry to someone for sex. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the very mind that has perpetuated the sexualization of society with single statements that I usually associate to the ‘double-meanings’ that I was so used to understanding when hearing words and linking them toward sex – thus I realize that the solution is stopping sexualizing what should be an unconditional expression in the moment such as openly smiling with no fear, no holding back. Once again, this is to expose how ‘positive feeling’ are always linked to two things – or three: sex, money and god/ religion which is kind of the same as it can turn into a rather sexualized experience that is now comfortably understood as ‘religious experience.’

 

Therefore, this is another reason why light and love will lead you to fluffy deliriums about reality wherein the actual physical giving to another being in the name of Equal-consideration of who we are as one and equals, is pulverized to a ‘cosmic spark’ of smiling at others and believing yourself to already be a ‘good doer’ in this world. Absolutely unacceptable as we have billions indulging in this positive bullshit that is polluting the airwaves with mantras of enlightenment while poverty, famine and sexual exploitation increase every moment that a single person decides to smile in the name of that inner personal satisfaction as the illusion of who we are as energy bodies that will ascend ‘higher and higher’ some day, as we treat each other ‘with Love’ which is the mask of fear that we portray in order to avoid facing our reality: unless we establish a system of life that supports all living beings equally, no matter how many smiles we exert to strangers: NOTHING will change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smile as a way to mask the actual fear that I experience toward people while walking on the streets. I realize that this is not necessary to do if I stop the fear itself within my mind, as it is only stopping the initial thought of ‘I fear people’ and instead, realizing that smiling at others will create no difference whatsoever within a being’s reality, as well as within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word ‘giver’ with sexual connotations wherein I have become the very mind that sexualizes reality and all gestures and movements ‘must be’ related to sex, as I have deemed this to be the only thing that moves humanity – and even if it’s so, I realize that there are more points to debunk in relation to judging it, instead of actually walking a process to support myself and others to stop only creating the usual ‘curiosity’ and ‘double sense’ that implies a sexual context within my mind, wherein I am becoming part of the entire mechanism that uses sex as a means to obtain energy, instead of realizing sex as an actual physical experience that must be part of our education within this world in order to stop profiting from it as a means to make it seem ‘secretive’ and within that, stirring thoughts that will propitiate sexual obsessions with no practical and physical support to assist myself and others to realize that: we have vandalized sex and any other sexual suggestion to only being an energetically mind-driven mechanism to make ourselves ‘feel good’ as in obtaining that positive rush within ourselves, while actually neglecting and even not knowing what real physical sex and experiences would imply.

 

I commit myself to expose positive attitudes as the actual mask of fear to perpetuate control and the desire to manipulate/ have power  over others, wherein all things LOVE are actually stemming from fear, fear of loss and the sense of ‘lacking’ wherein we, human beings, believed that we always required to be ‘loving’ in order to feel satisfied and fulfilled, never realizing that it is within this acceptance of ‘love’ as something ‘good,’ that we have blinded ourselves from reality wherein the actual TRUTH of ourselves is seen in every kid that is starving and pondering: why on Earth do these people ‘rejoice’ in love while I am left to simply die? What do they call ‘giving’ then?

 

I commit myself to expose the positive, love and light  lies as excuses to keep ourselves bound to a single ‘streamline’ of ‘positive thinking’ and believing that in doing so, any form of change is being conducted in reality – thus exposing the actual GIVING and RECEIVING that must be a process of education as a new way of living called Neighborism that we are all able to begin walking as a individual self-honest process that we all can and must, actually, as our point of Self Responsibility conduct in our every day living to ensure that we in-fact change human nature into a real love-giving being that considers ALL beings in equality and creates the Equal Money System as the way to promote actual feasible GIVING and Receiving solutions that contemplate the physical interdependence of all organisms/ beings in order to live in Equality as Life.

 

We must realize that as long as we don’t the basic points to live in dignity as a guarantee in our reality, we’ll continue seeking fleeting answers to a reality – such as positivity, law of attraction, smiling, giving hugs for free, seeking peace, meditating, chanting, dancing, reciting mantras, the bible, talking to god and any other schizophrenic attempt to ‘do good,’ reality will continue to be obliterated in every second that we continue seeking our personal satisfaction instead of actually dedicating ourselves to establish our own Equality as life and bringing some actual justice on Earth by our own hands.

 

Investigate Desteni, the Equal Money System and us Destonians in our Journey to Life wherein we are finally breaking the spells upon creation, exposing the light and lover addiction for the sexual innuendo that is currently plying out – most of the times -and instead educating society to realize that everything that moves us is sex and money, and a self-seeking desire to attain ‘god’ as the ultimate reward for whatever ‘good deeds’ we’ve perceived ourselves to accumulate with smiling at people.

 

Sunette Spies – The Genuine Smile Of Laughter

 

Sonrisa

‘Sonrisa’ 2004

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Day 14: Keeping Quiet leads to Relationship Failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance to write about relationships, without realizing that I am defining ‘who I am’ in relation to ‘what I’ve written in the past’ which is certainly gone and not ‘here’ as the current understanding of relationships and my own experiences toward it at the moment, which I can certainly bring through a new perspective that I probably was not aware of in the past.

So I breathe, stop the resistance and walk through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of the topic of relationships ‘the point’ in my process due to past experiences wherein I accepted and allowed myself to diminish, belittle and compromise my own stance and process according to ‘being in a relationship,’ which means that the point I must correct from here on is remaining stable as I am currently when being alone, and walking the process of being able to remain stable and constant no matter where or with whom I am with.

I realize that by having made this point ‘the point’ within my process, I have given it ‘extra value’ that I have then being mostly defining myself according to but in a way that I am mostly resisting and/or avoiding even talking about, which only fuels the same cycles of creating a specific relationship toward ‘relationships.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing about relationships without realizing that any point I experience a resistance toward means that I have created a particular experience toward, which means that: I must walk it through with proper self-support for relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to ‘relationships’ and the past as memories of people that have come and gone and that allowed me to see what I have been accepting and allowing to exist within/ as me, which means that everything that I ever blamed and judged others for, was in fact only revealing me to me what was existing in a silent/ dormant way within me.

I realize that it is within relationships that we get to face ourselves ‘full on’ because there is no other way that we would be able to trigger points that can’t possibly be triggered when/ while being alone. 

I realize that resisting anything that has to do with relationships at the moment is only me reflecting my own ‘unsolved issues’ toward it that I experienced myself as being ‘perfectly fine without,’ instead of seeing that I am actually resisting because I know, I have realized and seen how it is through relationships that the actual process of facing yourself at all times exists.

 

For that, I see, realize and understand that allowing me to first face myself, alone and walking the necessary self agreement is the necessary step to be able to stand here wherein what matters is that I ensure I stand and do not allow myself to change/ alter/ waver or transform ‘who I am’ according to the relationships I form/ establish within myself toward others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subservient within relationships, wherein I played the role of being the passive listener and faithful companion, diminishing my own life and living experience to being just that, existing for and defining myself according to being in a relationship

 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to remain in a ‘safe spot’ of complacency and not questioning/ being directly communicating as I realize I could have done in the past, because of not wanting to ‘step on another’s feet’ and interfere ‘too much’ within their individual processes, without realizing that it was simply about me fearing having to face my own fears of conflict, fear of losing a relationship if there was an uncontrollable outcome, which kept me basically tied up to an idea of who I had to be within the relationship to keep another by my side.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships from the starting point of having to ‘keep people by my side’/ fearing losing the relationship, which I have experienced as a constant point of petrification because of how I had repeated the same mistakes over and over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am in relation to the mistakes I have made in the past, without realizing that I can only learn from mistakes as the points that need absolute correction to never allow myself to repeat patterns, behaviors as limitations wherein I have compromised myself and my usual stance when and while I am in a relationship with another, which means that I must first establish a relationship as Self-Agreement with myself.

I see, realize and understand that any idea I created about another was in fact only about myself, projecting my own judgments toward others and in this, projecting blame to be able to stand as the victim that could complain and manipulate situations to suit my own limitations, which I obviously didn’t see as limitations back then, but preferences and ways of being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remain quiet in fear of being imposing myself/ patronizing another and in that, fearing being too blunt/ harsh when it came to directly communicating which is essentially ‘fear of hurting others’ through words, while neglecting the obvious common sense that I see and realize I am perfectly able and capable of spotting in myself and others as self-support Yet when it comes to being in a relationship, I’ve kept quiet because of the relationship that I have formed toward such person within my reality.

 

Therefore I see and realize that the only way to correct this point is for me to establish a self-equality and oneness wherein no matter who I am supporting/ interacting with, I stick to presenting, sharing, pointing out common sense and not compromising this point just because of it coming from a particular person that I have regarded as ‘more than’ or ‘special’ within my life, which is unacceptable within the understanding of how these ‘value schemes’ that we project onto people, eventually have created the current system of disparity and polarization that entails abuse of all parts equally participating in this organism.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the ‘good-doer’ wherein I did everything possible to ‘keep another happy,’ which stemmed from fear of losing an relationship and in that, compromising myself absolutely to mold myself into a more docile version of myself in order to not stir any conflicts and keeping a certain apparent ‘stability’ wherein everything is supposedly ‘alright,’ without realizing that I actually feared being alone – and in that, compromising myself just because of not wanting to be left without such relationships, no matter how much I would actually be uncomfortable in it and knowing beforehand that it wasn’t supportive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a single iota of self judgment just now as I review this point because of the obvious self-abuse I accepted and allowed within myself just because of fearing being alone as the fear of losing a relationship,

I realize that my desire to continue being alone is now the counter act that stems from these past experiences, which means that I must clear for myself these relationships and make sure I do not sabotage any opportunity that I have to expand myself in my process within standing with another in an actual worded, spoken and shared agreement wherein the most important aspect is Self-Agreement, which is what I am perfectly able and capable of walking as myself, alone, here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss out  the opportunity to assist and support myself to be directive to actually share in the moment any point that emerges that can be corrected/ talked about in order to support myself to step out of the pattern of remaining silent and supporting another to see and realize a point that has probably not been realized/ seen before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I fucked it up because: I kept quiet’ when in fact, keeping quiet is the outflow of having accepted and allowed various other patterns to manifest within the relationship entities that I formed, mostly because of stemming from the idea of myself ‘not being good enough’ and in that, believing that I had to ‘make up for’ not being good enough by being complacent and subservient to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a relationship as a way to measure ‘who I am’ when in fact, all that I have been within relationships is just another personality that was ‘there’ for me to face, but instead I got lost in the character, allowing myself to create such an extensive turmoil that I forgot about common sense and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of regret out of these past memories and experiences within/ as relationships.

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to write about the intense regret I experienced when I heard B explaining to me how that opportunity was gone and done and that there was no turning back once the agreement was over. That day I learned what regret was and how it would remain within me as a life-long lesson to never allow myself to remain quiet and not giving absolute and proper direction to a point I am directly involved with in/as relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain subservient to a relationship entity wherein favors are done, wherein positivity is sought yet not realizing that in that input of ‘wanting things to work out,’ I am already fearing and accepting the ‘negative’ and the dysfunctional aspects of a relationship, and keeping quiet about it, as a way to remain in a safe spot wherein things seem to be ‘just a bit tense but nothing to worry about,’ and in that missing out the absolute opportunity to take the wheel of the situation and give it common sensical direction in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the person that I stand within an agreement with because of having perceived that such relationship is a special bubble that I must take care of with separate terms as in being more flexible and subservient within the ‘hope’ that it will change/ get better after sometime, without seeing and realizing to what extent I have deliberately blinded myself when being in relationships, wherein I have caramelized the actual reality of the relationship through the creation of an apparent chemical marriage that I then used as a way to justify empathy as preference toward another, while accepting and allowing obvious patterns of separation that were Not Self-Supportive.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself the moment that I perceived that the other person was absolutely responsible for the situation, and in this, victimizing myself and believing that ‘I had done nothing wrong,’ that it wasn’t my fault that this didn’t work out,’ while being absolutely aware of all the constant patterns of allowances and acceptances that were flashing ‘red alerts’ all the time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience myself so emotionally burnt after a breakup that all I could do was cry, without realizing that it was me only crying out for having actually lost the opportunity of that actual initial immediate point of comfort ability with another and that I have kept as a regret point in my life, without realizing that I had not even set out the basic points of self support as words within myself for that matter, which means that the entire relationship was only that and never an actual agreement, which is the actual truth that I could not see in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take relationships as something that can be brewed out of nowhere in one single moment without taking into consideration what I am actually really getting myself into, realizing that I only did it out of the spontaneous ‘struck of the heart’ in believing that ‘I must go there’ and in that, having the worst crash till the very bottom when realizing that I only fed my ‘good feelings’ about someone while neglecting the obvious reality that was yelling out separation and dysfunction in distinctive moments that I simply allowed to go by.

 

I commit myself to establish a self-agreement of communication wherein I make sure I clarify toward myself what I am willing to live by with/ as myself wherein I do not ever create another bubble as a relationship entity with another as a ‘separate world,’ while neglecting the obvious separation that such application entails.

 

I commit myself to voice myself no matter ‘who it is’ that I am talking toward as that is a practical living-realization of me being addressing myself/ voicing myself as that which I see is common sense and supportive to communicate about.

 

A cool point about this is that I don’t have to be fueling the ghosts of the past, it is only when directing myself to write about it that memories come up, images, pictures, moments that I believed I was really happy and that everything was alright – and I did have a lot of fun while it lasted. A point that must be stopped at all times is future projections when and while being in any give moment, and to make sure that I do not become stagnant in my perceived stability when and while being alone. I definitely see and realize that there is a long process to walk ahead. Enough for now.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

“Twin Soul – the only twin soul that can exist is in drawings of souls that look like twins OR within the minds of those fantasizing about twin souls in their minds – but within existence: twin souls no more exist. And the practical application here would be to – whatever one is looking for in the twin soul – is what self must gift to self to be/become whole again. TWIN SOULS should be saying something, in that – the TWIN/SAME SOUL is showing that self is in fact yearning for/looking for SELF. C’mon – the codes couldn’t have been MORE OBVIOUS.” Sunette Spies 

 

 

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Women that like ‘Bad Boys’

Today I listened to the interview that Bernard uploaded with regards to women being attracted to aggressive males. The moment I read the title of the video I realized that I was reacting according to what I had defined as a  ‘preference’ point. Now this not based on what I have defined as ‘physical aggression’ but a single attitude of males that seem to act ‘tough’ or seemingly intrepid/ aggressive which ends up being translated as the ‘rebellious’ type.

 

Now, looking at relationships I saw how I have existed within this pattern as a ‘preference’ point wherein I would be ‘drawn’-to or attracted to people that would present themselves as ‘aggressive’ or ‘rebellious’. My experience towards this ‘preference’ – or what I deemed as preference – was that of identifying my self still to that point, this is then the reason why I reacted to this single interview – or just by reading the title – as this was pushing a button directly wherein still in the back of my head I would be looking for a male that would seemingly be ‘aggressive’ or ‘tough’ or ‘rebellious’. <This eventually caused me to get my self into relationships which I have already taken on through a self forgiveness ride so to speak, extensively as this was one of the primary points that I took on when I began my process.

 

Though this time it wasn’t about those particular ‘males’ in my life, it was about the ‘type’ of person that I would still ‘feel atracted to’ which we can see it’s based on a ‘feeling’, it’s based on an idea that I’ve still kept as part of ‘who I am’

 

When listening to the entire interview, I realized that I am definitely placing myself now in a position to walk with someone that is definitely the type of person I would not be ‘attracted to’ in terms of how they portray themselves – meaning ‘aggressive’ or seemingly ‘tough’, but actually allowing myself to get into a more ‘noble’ or ‘soft’ establishment wherein I have actually directed myself – not by that initial ‘likeness’ or ‘preference’, but by an actual realization of what is best for myself as best for all, someone I can actually support and walk with in terms of being flexible, not rough but rather gentle as I have been rather ‘rough’ myself in terms of relationships.

 

>Thus, I see that within the establishment of an agreement, this is the basic point to look at – not allowing myself to seek once again an ‘aggressive type’ but actually directing myself to stand with someone that will actually Support-myself and whom I can support-back without having such preprogrammed desire to be abused or creating that idea that ‘I like it rough’ and stuff which I had previously placed myself in previous life experiences within relationships.

 

I am currently satisfied that I am walking this point within these terms, the initial reaction I had then was ‘walked-through’ as I realized that I simply have to forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe or perceive that I was attracted to rought/ aggresive type of mails without realizing that I was actually only acting according to a preprogrammed pattern that is NOT who I am in any way whatsoever and thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself according to an apparent preference point of ‘liking tough males’ or liking ‘rebellious/ aggressive males’ because I saw them as ‘stronger’ and ‘people of respect’ without realizing that it is actually a preprogrammed defense-mechanism played out by males mostly in order to not be vulnerable and actually be open to change to stand in an equal stance with no ego on the front.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having identified ‘toughness’ or ‘aggresion’ with males as the type of males that I like without realizing that it was only me acting according to preprogramming and not actually stopping myself from any  moment that I would be ‘attracted to’ such type of males. Now I see and realize that I was simply still lingering to a self definition point according to preprogramming which is simply required to be stopped in order to actually direct myself within an agreement wherein I do not act according to or based upon  ‘preference’ but actual principle  upon assessing with whom it is best to walk this process towards a one and equal outcome as what’s best for all instead of going for a single idea or desire that I have followed in the past and that has proven to be the actual limitation wherein I create an ideal of ‘what I like’ without realizing I end up abusing myself and another for accepting and allowing such attitudes as ‘who the person is’

 

I am here to direct myself to stand with a partner based on common sense and in equality regardless of personality or any point of ‘preference’ and instead, commit myself to walk this according to what’s best for the partner as what’s best for myself as equals within the establishment of what’s best for all in all ways.

 

This is what I’ve walked and realized through walking the Desteni I Process as part of my entire process walked with Desteni – this is me now directing myself to establish what’s best for all when walking with another, relationships had been an ‘issue’ for me – not anymore, I can say I am here and ready to walk as the directness and confidence within myself as I stand as that point of Self Trust required to support myself and support another as myself.

I do not accept and allow myself to define myself according to any ‘preference’ towards males but instead alk one and equal with another that is willing to walk the same process I’m walking within Self Correction according to that which is best for all life.

I Stand as that point of self-direction considering the practical reality instead of following an ideal of what’s ‘best for myself’.

Cool! lol I had reacted a bit for that moment, I can see in clarity how I can direct this and thus, correct it in my reality.


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