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89. Righteous Victim

Continuing from
  • 87. Tantrum-me : Explaining the memory of childhood that created the pattern and condition of ‘the victim’
  • 88. The Victim: Walking the Self-Forgiveness process on the childhood memory along with other points that emerged when walking the Self Forgiveness
 
Self Corrective Statements.

This is the Self-Corrective process to stop the pattern from playing out from here on when and as I see myself in particular events/ situations that present the same trigger points that I would react to based on the particular character identified as ‘The Victim.’

 

When and as I see myself suiting a memory in order to place myself as the victim within a particular event/situation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the ability to stop playing as a character based on the past as memory is here the moment that I do not participate and instead, continue walking, breathing and directing myself in common sense according to what is here as reality.

 

I realize that the advantage used before within ‘being the offended’ in the story was to place myself as superior to the other characters in the story, without realizing that I cannot base my existence of ‘who I am’ as the offender/ offended in a particular event – it is about me taking responsibility for what I do, say and think in the moment wherein if I in any way think or react in an emotional way, I direct myself to investigate the point to see where it is that I haven’t yet walked the self forgiveness in relation to the particular memory it is stemming from, in order to realize the cycle that must be stopped as a particular thinking pattern within me, such as victimizing myself toward beings in my reality based on the memories I held of them within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself expecting someone to feel ‘bad’ about something that they have done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am following the pattern of expecting someone to react in a way that makes me feel in ‘power and control’ over them. Thus I direct myself to instead support myself to stop any thoughts, reactions and then support them to instead of falling into guilt, blame and remorse, realize the point of responsibility through self-forgiveness and walk the necessary corrections in self-honesty.

 

When and as I see myself acting out of righteousness as in thinking that ‘I want to/ I can do this all by myself,’ I stop and I breathe- I realize this is the ego of the mind speaking as the ingrained pattern in and during childhood. Thus I realize that I can instead learn how to work and direct points in working with others, as that is an effective way to expand ourselves into a more effective way of living as equals.

 

I realize that this is in essence an ingrained pattern that I played out as a child wherein I would deliberately want to do it ‘on my own’ based on how my parents wanted to do things for me, the same with teachers when placing an example and giving ‘too many examples for my taste,’ wherein I would go into a haste of wanting them to just stop and allow me to do it on my own.

 

I realize then that this pattern of wanting to do it on my own and in essence devoid of ‘authority supervision’ was my way to prove that I do not require to be directed by others- just another form of incipient ego that I developed as a child because it was not from an actual realization of me being able to do it by myself, but mostly getting pissed off when ‘being shown’ how to do things, placing myself in the ego stance as if I was already ‘all knowing’ and didn’t require to be directed.

 

When and as I see myself reacting in exasperation and irritation when things/ points are being shown to me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the only reason why I am reacting is because I am coming from the ‘who I am’ as the ego that doesn’t require explanations, directions and ‘knows how to do it,’ which is till this day an ingrained pattern wherein I react whenever someone gives me direction and common sense is shoved away and first emerges this reaction of ‘being told what to do,’ wherein I then believe that I was not being ‘effective enough’ and as such, diminish myself in that moment of taking the directions/ suggestions, instead of walking in common sense to not consider who is giving the instructions and within what context – but simply hear and apply based on common sense as what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself reacting to authority in/as any personality/ character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I simply have to consider at all times what is best for all, and as such direct myself to establish my common –sense as a living direction wherein I stop acting and reacting based on the ‘who I am’ as the ego of the past, and instead unconditionally live here in every moment character-less.

 

When and as I see myself using any means such as ‘threats’ in order for others to act / move / direct a particular point, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this authoritarian character and imposition is a point that I accepted and allowed myself to play out from childhood wherein I learned how I would only move if I was threatened with something.

 

I realize that this mechanism acts in the form of instilling fear of experiencing something that I loathed – for example, being tickled until I would almost pee myself – if I didn’t remove my school uniform when getting home from school – which became a ‘game’ with my mother though at the same time I was actually petrified of being tickled until I would almost or sometimes pee myself because of the laughter mixed with fear.

 

I see that what may seem as a ‘meaningless game’ has actually instilled a traumatic-exposure as a way to move/ direct myself instead of having a common sensical explanation of why I should do it, instead of just imposing and order along with a threat if I didn’t do it.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘special’ because of not reacting/ acting in an apparent ‘predictable pattern’ in relation to ‘the masses’ – I stop and I breathe- I realize that any reaction and any assessment of ‘which character am I at the moment’ is also another form of ego as I am basing my existence here in the moment in relation to comparing myself to others in the moment.

 

Thus I remain breathing wherein there can exist no character at all.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing a sense of freedom, self-direction and independence when pushing a trolley – which is and has been a quiet experience within me every time and only now am I noticing it – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is linked to that point of ‘taking the wheel’ in my life as a self-righteousness pattern, along with the characters of efficiency and effectiveness that I have exposed to myself in relation to my father. Thus I direct myself to simply walk with a trolley here, in the moment, one and equal, doing whatever it is that I have to do in the supermarket.

 

It’s fascinating how such a seemingly ‘unimportant’ point as pushing a trolley can be loaded with an entire character based on ingrained memories from the past as childhood.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do the opposite of what the perceived point of authority in my reality is pointing out myself to be/ do and direct, I stop and I breathe. I realize that acting out of reaction is not best for all, but only suiting my ego as to ‘be right’ / have the best direction and/ or just deliberately causing friction within another as an ingrained way to maintain myself as ‘superior’ and ‘right’ toward others.

 

When and as I see myself saying the words ‘why didn’t you tell me? How come no one let me know?’ I stop and I breathe – I ensure that I am not charging these words with energy as in feeling ‘left out’ and ‘rejected’ or deliberately ignored based on the memories of myself as a child – thus I realize that I can direct such words to relate to a practical point wherein I do not take things personally, but instead first see and check what was the context in the moment and if I was required to ‘be there’ or not.

 

A memory comes up when I was at the farm and I was washing, which means that I would not be hearing much based on the noises in the laundry room. And then I saw that there was not much movement around, so after a while I realized that everyone was in a meeting and I had not been called – I got into such anger immediately toward my partner in that time because ‘it was his duty to let me know,’ and in that moment I became possessed with anger that I eventually exerted it out after all onto him, which was one of the times that I was being shown and revealed how I was blowing things out of proportion and deliberately wanting him to react in a similar way. But because I would see ‘indifference’ and ‘no reaction,’ I would get even more pissed off about it. I was instead shown how I was simply acting out of a mind possession, which was a cool point to see and realize once I allowed myself to Hear and stopping the raging backchat in the moment. I saw how I would immediately take it personal instead of investigating first the point and remain here as breath throughout it, and direct the necessary points to correct from here on. Instead I reacted heavily in anger which I see can be associated with this childhood memory and other memories of believing and perceiving that I am deliberately being ignored/ not called/ not taken into consideration – plus not getting the necessary ‘shame’ and remorse from another to make myself feel like the righteous victim in that moment – which is only a mind-trap for me to remain as a victim that can later on use this as a means to retaliate toward the person/ people that apparently had ‘done this unto me.’

 

When and as I see myself reacting to people in a certain event wherein I believe that I am being deliberately uninformed/ left out/ rejected – I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to remain here as breath and instead simply get the necessary points that I require to be aware of and continue with my daily tasks/ doings.

When and as I see myself deliberately raging against someone within the expectation of having them react to my words in a similar negative way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this point of ‘raging against someone’ must not even exist if I am able t to direct myself in breath throughout situations instead of taking it personally and blowing things out of proportion.

 

I realize that I am reacting in an automated manner based on the memories of ‘who I am’ that I had not even been able to spot before as they were patterns ingrained in childhood.

 

When and as I see myself going into the pattern of being the ‘odd one’ in the family context, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just based on certain events wherein I built up the belief of me not being ‘a desired child’ which I would use as a means to have something to ‘oppose to’ in my world just for the sake of creating friction and conflict toward others.

 

I instead direct myself to remain here as breath, communicating and being here without assessing ‘who I am’ in that moment as a character based on the past in relation to the memory of myself as part of a particular family construct.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to deliberately blow things out of proportion in order to instigate further inner conflict in another so that I can feel like ‘the winner’ in my own mind, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is me wanting to enhance myself as the self-righteousness character. Instead, I direct myself to remain here as breath wherein I can hear/ read the point unconditionally and as such, place myself in the shoes of another to see what is the best direction to give and do based on what’s best for all parts involved.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am being deliberately ‘excluded’ for some point/ activity/ event, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am taking it personal wherein I think that I am being singled out for the sake of some personal ego reasons. I realize that this is only existent within my mind based on how I programmed myself from childhood to believe that I was the ‘unwanted child’ and as such, have a ‘reason’ to rebel against family/ authority in my mind.

 

When and as I see myself deliberately getting angry, shouting and making an entire ‘big deal’ out of an event in order to instill fear and a general shock in another so that they can react in guilt, shame, remorse, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am simply wanting to place myself as above them and getting an energetic kick out of their reaction. Thus I breathe through the words, I stop any reaction and instead direct the point within the consideration of what is best for all in the moment, ensuring I do not take it personal but instead support myself and the other person to establish a proper communication to sort out/ direct the point effectively.

 

When and as I see myself speaking words toward another from the starting point of deliberately ‘putting more wood on the fire,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am acting out of the victim personality that seeks to feel ‘more’ and ‘better’ than the other by instigating a particular ‘negative experience’ within them, so that I can feel good/ positive experience within me.

 

I realize that I am able to share perspectives and points in another however, all have to be based from the clear starting point of ensuring that I am not deliberately pointing fingers as to make others feel ‘like shit’ but to support another as myself to establish ourselves as self-directive beings that in all cases consider what is best for all people involved in equality.

 

When and as I see myself taking the ‘benevolent being’ character that is ‘willing to forgive another for what they’ve done,’ I realize that this is just plain ego as no one can forgive another, it is plain separation. I instead support another to walk through the point in Self-Forgiveness wherein I ensure I also walk the necessary self-forgiveness to unconditionally let go of any reactions emerging in the moment within me – I take responsibility for my mind, my thoughts, my words and reactions – thus I make sure I am breathing before speaking.

 

When and as I see myself playing out the character of ‘the one that is able to point out shit in another,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this ‘observer’ pattern as ‘the judge’ has been prominent within me instead of placing myself equal and one to another in the moment to then direct myself ‘as them’ to see the points that require direction. I see and realize that taking the character of ‘the judge’ is me believing myself to always be right and a such already place myself as inequality toward another – I direct myself to ensure I am breathing when interacting with another and I place myself in the moment within the consideration of what is best for all as equality and oneness.

 

When and as I see myself playing out the ‘polite one’ in order to get what I want, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is a manipulative pattern within me wherein I can simply direct myself to ask for the point without using surreptitious cloaked means to do so by instilling positivity in another to get my reward/ prize/ winning situation.

 

When and as I see myself expecting some ‘reward’ from another based on a previous event wherein I have experienced myself as ‘the victim,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that reward is and has been a mechanism to make myself feel better after having felt being wronged and as such, all forms of ‘instilling happiness’ within me is based on me allowing myself to exist as a character based on the past and memories of childhood. Thus, I direct myself to not expect and not create any future projections and expectation toward anything or anyone.

 

When and as I see myself deliberately placing a gesture of sadness, depression or any other anguished face – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is only possible when I am around people and I want to deliberately make them react to the face and ask ‘what is wrong?’ ‘what is going on?’ – hence this is deliberate manipulation that can only exist if I allow myself to remain as a character that instills a negative experience In another, to obtain commiseration as a positive experience in reward, which is just me supporting characters as myself and others in this world. I ensure that I first take on the thought pattern to see where and how I am victimizing myself in the moment, walk it through self forgiveness to ensure I stop the character in its root – myself – instead of going out and deliberately exposing it to get the reactions I want/ need and require to maintain the victimization character.

 

I commit myself to continue writing out the characters ingrained within childhood that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as it is clear how such points have remained as a righteousness within me without questioning it further, instead of realizing that I have been the creator of them all  = hence it is absolutely possible for me to stop them.

 

I commit myself to remain here as breath in every single moment of my day to day living, wherein I realize that the smallest reaction is myself existing as a character that must be investigated, self forgiven and self-corrected to stop the cycles of the past existing within and as  me.

 

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Darla 06

Darla (2006)

Self Support on Childhood memories and considerations to walk in our process:

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Day 48: My Smile is a Rifle + I’m pointing it at you.

  • When you smile at a stranger, there is already a minute outflow of energy. You become a giver.~Eckhart Tolle*

 

The truth is that I would smile to people on the streets when having eye contact and when I had deliberately decided to establish such contact through ensuring that I could have them ‘by my side’ by demonstrating a physical gesture that would let them know ‘I come in peace and I intend no harm’ – which implies the starting point was  fear itself:  “People are strange when you’re a stranger” is what I learned from Jim Morrison only as a phrase that could get stuck in my head along with any other song that I would listen to in casual places.  When spirituality came into my world – or I drove myself into spirituality – I read information on how within giving away these ‘positive vibes’ and ‘thinking positive’ all the time could in fact ‘help’ to create a better world. Obviously having been submerged in a rather stagnant and pessimist phase before that, I went for it – and began being the positive charm that could engage anyone with a soft-voice and a pre-planned smile that I knew could open the doors in a world wherein fear closes them all.

 

So,when going through life smiling at people during this phase, I can confirm what Mr. T* says in his quote here – I would create this fluffy experience which can only confirm two things:

1. I did it because of the nice fluffy experience within myself only, while thinking that I was causing the same in another as well – foolishly so believing that this in any way could ‘make their day better’ lol – which is what LOVE is justified as

2. I always did it in means of protecting myself from the actual fear that I would  carry myself around with when interacting/ directing myself toward humans in general when walking on the street – smiling as in ‘breaking the ice’ in order to sugar-coat the actual need to be ‘smiled-back’ as a means to talk myself into believing that: people aren’t that ‘bad’ after all, all we need is a bit of extending your mouth to demonstrate that you are a ‘good person’ as well! – yes, I  cannot even recall ‘who I was’ as such person any more. It did work at all times and would get me many opportunities however: all stemming from fear, from actual deliberate manipulation to have people ‘on my side’ while actually fearing they could insult me, rob me, attack me or anything else that I would be constantly paranoid about while walking in the streets – this way I thought I could ‘prevent me’ from being deliberately targeted as then any people would commiserate and believe myself to be this enlightened being that doesn’t deserve such harm. Of course I didn’t do this with every single person, it was mostly with those that I had to directly communicate with them for any practical purposes, as well as the ones I had to have ‘uncomfortable situations’ with, like sitting on the train together, in a bus, in an elevator, arriving at a bench in a park and sitting next to someone, etc.

The fact is that it is so much ‘better’ for the mind to be an affable person all the time and smiling and seeking this acceptance all the time as it creates you a ‘good reputation’ + the added positive energy wherein I would self-talk myself into being adding props for my enlightened closer-to-god personality that is used to manipulate people with the ‘I am Love’ Tag while secretly asking ‘Love me back, please’ – yet what I see is that I was only following my own deception: ‘giving a smile’ is obviously not going to change anything in this world other than generating a few energetic sparks inside my body and believing that I was supporting my self-enlightened interest to become an absolute benevolent being. Lol, yes delusion is easy when being in spirituality/ the good positive side of the coin – or should I say the ‘moon’ because I was certainly not even aware of how on Earth I was able to maintain myself living with using money as a means to do so. I have only found out after years that I was only playing another ‘video game’ reality of attaining heaven through keeping score of my own ‘good deeds’ – the more I could create a fluffy experience about it: the better.

I actually after having written out this first part of the blog, went out on the street and noticed that a girl around 9 had this very eerie gesture toward me while watching me walking down the street, and as I came closer to her she suddenly just grinned – which proved the point that I had written out here on how people first Fear each other all the time and then smiling is just a way to cover up that initial fear or whatever it is she could have experienced and demonstrated with her face in awe. (note: I still have a shaved head and that’s still not a regular thing around here for women.) And! I also realized that I would constantly have a smile on my face, like this rigid gesture that I would keep in order to seem affable for all of the above mentioned reasons – the same when ‘looking at nature’ and believing that GOD had wanted me to get out of my house for a walk in that very moment because I was going to witness these two little birds chasing after each other – or a piece of glowing plastic with the sunrays creating this beautiful contrast with the green foliage and a bit of dry leafs – the same would happen when encountering a dead little bird on the side walk – and I am exaggerating a bit with the ‘god’ thing, but I would definitely create all forms of nice positive experiences from JUST looking at reality. Yes, people, I was very/ highly deluded creating and seeking experiences through my eyes – and I’ve walked that in the blog ‘Lugubrious Romantic’ that you can read more about and the process of self correction for it, which I have been applying and was definitely cool to spot the point in such a specific way.

 

 

So, I must say to Mr. T that I wholeheartedly disagree again with his statement, as it is reducing any actual ability for a human being to realize what giving and receiving in equality is and implies, and wrapping it up to nothing more than just another double-cheese burger to-go that can satiate the never ending quench for energy that we as human beings have denigrated ourselves to: nothing else but loveseeking fizzy bubbly machines to always seek for our next greatest excitement (energy) – yet neglecting any actual understanding of what it would actually mean to be a ‘giver’ in reality. Instead of smiles becoming an actual expression in the moment as self, they became just another way to cope with my reality of which I was extremely fearful of, constantly, almost paranoid at times – which was also enhanced by the delirium that ‘I am this benevolent being in a world of tyrants and mean people’ – so a lot of fabricated delusions can be played out in a single fleeting moment of smiling to a stranger. Some can even understand ‘SEX’?’ and get the message entirely wrong – you never know what gestures imply as they have also become a part of the deceptive means to ‘imply’ things without having the courage to speak about them up front. I speak for myself when I say that, and have walked that specifically as I realize how we fear actually being willing to communicate openly and in self honesty, which is how the infamous ‘misunderstandings’ emerge as a way to confuse us even further from the initial point wherein we sought some sense of recognition and comfort – a single smile.

 

Another fact is that when reading that quote at first me as ‘marlen-value’ pointed it out toward sex: ‘you are a giver’ as in you are satisfying someone else’s senses – which is like giving entry to someone for sex. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the very mind that has perpetuated the sexualization of society with single statements that I usually associate to the ‘double-meanings’ that I was so used to understanding when hearing words and linking them toward sex – thus I realize that the solution is stopping sexualizing what should be an unconditional expression in the moment such as openly smiling with no fear, no holding back. Once again, this is to expose how ‘positive feeling’ are always linked to two things – or three: sex, money and god/ religion which is kind of the same as it can turn into a rather sexualized experience that is now comfortably understood as ‘religious experience.’

 

Therefore, this is another reason why light and love will lead you to fluffy deliriums about reality wherein the actual physical giving to another being in the name of Equal-consideration of who we are as one and equals, is pulverized to a ‘cosmic spark’ of smiling at others and believing yourself to already be a ‘good doer’ in this world. Absolutely unacceptable as we have billions indulging in this positive bullshit that is polluting the airwaves with mantras of enlightenment while poverty, famine and sexual exploitation increase every moment that a single person decides to smile in the name of that inner personal satisfaction as the illusion of who we are as energy bodies that will ascend ‘higher and higher’ some day, as we treat each other ‘with Love’ which is the mask of fear that we portray in order to avoid facing our reality: unless we establish a system of life that supports all living beings equally, no matter how many smiles we exert to strangers: NOTHING will change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smile as a way to mask the actual fear that I experience toward people while walking on the streets. I realize that this is not necessary to do if I stop the fear itself within my mind, as it is only stopping the initial thought of ‘I fear people’ and instead, realizing that smiling at others will create no difference whatsoever within a being’s reality, as well as within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word ‘giver’ with sexual connotations wherein I have become the very mind that sexualizes reality and all gestures and movements ‘must be’ related to sex, as I have deemed this to be the only thing that moves humanity – and even if it’s so, I realize that there are more points to debunk in relation to judging it, instead of actually walking a process to support myself and others to stop only creating the usual ‘curiosity’ and ‘double sense’ that implies a sexual context within my mind, wherein I am becoming part of the entire mechanism that uses sex as a means to obtain energy, instead of realizing sex as an actual physical experience that must be part of our education within this world in order to stop profiting from it as a means to make it seem ‘secretive’ and within that, stirring thoughts that will propitiate sexual obsessions with no practical and physical support to assist myself and others to realize that: we have vandalized sex and any other sexual suggestion to only being an energetically mind-driven mechanism to make ourselves ‘feel good’ as in obtaining that positive rush within ourselves, while actually neglecting and even not knowing what real physical sex and experiences would imply.

 

I commit myself to expose positive attitudes as the actual mask of fear to perpetuate control and the desire to manipulate/ have power  over others, wherein all things LOVE are actually stemming from fear, fear of loss and the sense of ‘lacking’ wherein we, human beings, believed that we always required to be ‘loving’ in order to feel satisfied and fulfilled, never realizing that it is within this acceptance of ‘love’ as something ‘good,’ that we have blinded ourselves from reality wherein the actual TRUTH of ourselves is seen in every kid that is starving and pondering: why on Earth do these people ‘rejoice’ in love while I am left to simply die? What do they call ‘giving’ then?

 

I commit myself to expose the positive, love and light  lies as excuses to keep ourselves bound to a single ‘streamline’ of ‘positive thinking’ and believing that in doing so, any form of change is being conducted in reality – thus exposing the actual GIVING and RECEIVING that must be a process of education as a new way of living called Neighborism that we are all able to begin walking as a individual self-honest process that we all can and must, actually, as our point of Self Responsibility conduct in our every day living to ensure that we in-fact change human nature into a real love-giving being that considers ALL beings in equality and creates the Equal Money System as the way to promote actual feasible GIVING and Receiving solutions that contemplate the physical interdependence of all organisms/ beings in order to live in Equality as Life.

 

We must realize that as long as we don’t the basic points to live in dignity as a guarantee in our reality, we’ll continue seeking fleeting answers to a reality – such as positivity, law of attraction, smiling, giving hugs for free, seeking peace, meditating, chanting, dancing, reciting mantras, the bible, talking to god and any other schizophrenic attempt to ‘do good,’ reality will continue to be obliterated in every second that we continue seeking our personal satisfaction instead of actually dedicating ourselves to establish our own Equality as life and bringing some actual justice on Earth by our own hands.

 

Investigate Desteni, the Equal Money System and us Destonians in our Journey to Life wherein we are finally breaking the spells upon creation, exposing the light and lover addiction for the sexual innuendo that is currently plying out – most of the times -and instead educating society to realize that everything that moves us is sex and money, and a self-seeking desire to attain ‘god’ as the ultimate reward for whatever ‘good deeds’ we’ve perceived ourselves to accumulate with smiling at people.

 

Sunette Spies – The Genuine Smile Of Laughter

 

Sonrisa

‘Sonrisa’ 2004

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Day 14: Keeping Quiet leads to Relationship Failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance to write about relationships, without realizing that I am defining ‘who I am’ in relation to ‘what I’ve written in the past’ which is certainly gone and not ‘here’ as the current understanding of relationships and my own experiences toward it at the moment, which I can certainly bring through a new perspective that I probably was not aware of in the past.

So I breathe, stop the resistance and walk through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of the topic of relationships ‘the point’ in my process due to past experiences wherein I accepted and allowed myself to diminish, belittle and compromise my own stance and process according to ‘being in a relationship,’ which means that the point I must correct from here on is remaining stable as I am currently when being alone, and walking the process of being able to remain stable and constant no matter where or with whom I am with.

I realize that by having made this point ‘the point’ within my process, I have given it ‘extra value’ that I have then being mostly defining myself according to but in a way that I am mostly resisting and/or avoiding even talking about, which only fuels the same cycles of creating a specific relationship toward ‘relationships.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing about relationships without realizing that any point I experience a resistance toward means that I have created a particular experience toward, which means that: I must walk it through with proper self-support for relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to ‘relationships’ and the past as memories of people that have come and gone and that allowed me to see what I have been accepting and allowing to exist within/ as me, which means that everything that I ever blamed and judged others for, was in fact only revealing me to me what was existing in a silent/ dormant way within me.

I realize that it is within relationships that we get to face ourselves ‘full on’ because there is no other way that we would be able to trigger points that can’t possibly be triggered when/ while being alone. 

I realize that resisting anything that has to do with relationships at the moment is only me reflecting my own ‘unsolved issues’ toward it that I experienced myself as being ‘perfectly fine without,’ instead of seeing that I am actually resisting because I know, I have realized and seen how it is through relationships that the actual process of facing yourself at all times exists.

 

For that, I see, realize and understand that allowing me to first face myself, alone and walking the necessary self agreement is the necessary step to be able to stand here wherein what matters is that I ensure I stand and do not allow myself to change/ alter/ waver or transform ‘who I am’ according to the relationships I form/ establish within myself toward others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subservient within relationships, wherein I played the role of being the passive listener and faithful companion, diminishing my own life and living experience to being just that, existing for and defining myself according to being in a relationship

 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to remain in a ‘safe spot’ of complacency and not questioning/ being directly communicating as I realize I could have done in the past, because of not wanting to ‘step on another’s feet’ and interfere ‘too much’ within their individual processes, without realizing that it was simply about me fearing having to face my own fears of conflict, fear of losing a relationship if there was an uncontrollable outcome, which kept me basically tied up to an idea of who I had to be within the relationship to keep another by my side.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships from the starting point of having to ‘keep people by my side’/ fearing losing the relationship, which I have experienced as a constant point of petrification because of how I had repeated the same mistakes over and over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am in relation to the mistakes I have made in the past, without realizing that I can only learn from mistakes as the points that need absolute correction to never allow myself to repeat patterns, behaviors as limitations wherein I have compromised myself and my usual stance when and while I am in a relationship with another, which means that I must first establish a relationship as Self-Agreement with myself.

I see, realize and understand that any idea I created about another was in fact only about myself, projecting my own judgments toward others and in this, projecting blame to be able to stand as the victim that could complain and manipulate situations to suit my own limitations, which I obviously didn’t see as limitations back then, but preferences and ways of being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remain quiet in fear of being imposing myself/ patronizing another and in that, fearing being too blunt/ harsh when it came to directly communicating which is essentially ‘fear of hurting others’ through words, while neglecting the obvious common sense that I see and realize I am perfectly able and capable of spotting in myself and others as self-support Yet when it comes to being in a relationship, I’ve kept quiet because of the relationship that I have formed toward such person within my reality.

 

Therefore I see and realize that the only way to correct this point is for me to establish a self-equality and oneness wherein no matter who I am supporting/ interacting with, I stick to presenting, sharing, pointing out common sense and not compromising this point just because of it coming from a particular person that I have regarded as ‘more than’ or ‘special’ within my life, which is unacceptable within the understanding of how these ‘value schemes’ that we project onto people, eventually have created the current system of disparity and polarization that entails abuse of all parts equally participating in this organism.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the ‘good-doer’ wherein I did everything possible to ‘keep another happy,’ which stemmed from fear of losing an relationship and in that, compromising myself absolutely to mold myself into a more docile version of myself in order to not stir any conflicts and keeping a certain apparent ‘stability’ wherein everything is supposedly ‘alright,’ without realizing that I actually feared being alone – and in that, compromising myself just because of not wanting to be left without such relationships, no matter how much I would actually be uncomfortable in it and knowing beforehand that it wasn’t supportive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a single iota of self judgment just now as I review this point because of the obvious self-abuse I accepted and allowed within myself just because of fearing being alone as the fear of losing a relationship,

I realize that my desire to continue being alone is now the counter act that stems from these past experiences, which means that I must clear for myself these relationships and make sure I do not sabotage any opportunity that I have to expand myself in my process within standing with another in an actual worded, spoken and shared agreement wherein the most important aspect is Self-Agreement, which is what I am perfectly able and capable of walking as myself, alone, here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss out  the opportunity to assist and support myself to be directive to actually share in the moment any point that emerges that can be corrected/ talked about in order to support myself to step out of the pattern of remaining silent and supporting another to see and realize a point that has probably not been realized/ seen before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I fucked it up because: I kept quiet’ when in fact, keeping quiet is the outflow of having accepted and allowed various other patterns to manifest within the relationship entities that I formed, mostly because of stemming from the idea of myself ‘not being good enough’ and in that, believing that I had to ‘make up for’ not being good enough by being complacent and subservient to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a relationship as a way to measure ‘who I am’ when in fact, all that I have been within relationships is just another personality that was ‘there’ for me to face, but instead I got lost in the character, allowing myself to create such an extensive turmoil that I forgot about common sense and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of regret out of these past memories and experiences within/ as relationships.

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to write about the intense regret I experienced when I heard B explaining to me how that opportunity was gone and done and that there was no turning back once the agreement was over. That day I learned what regret was and how it would remain within me as a life-long lesson to never allow myself to remain quiet and not giving absolute and proper direction to a point I am directly involved with in/as relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain subservient to a relationship entity wherein favors are done, wherein positivity is sought yet not realizing that in that input of ‘wanting things to work out,’ I am already fearing and accepting the ‘negative’ and the dysfunctional aspects of a relationship, and keeping quiet about it, as a way to remain in a safe spot wherein things seem to be ‘just a bit tense but nothing to worry about,’ and in that missing out the absolute opportunity to take the wheel of the situation and give it common sensical direction in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the person that I stand within an agreement with because of having perceived that such relationship is a special bubble that I must take care of with separate terms as in being more flexible and subservient within the ‘hope’ that it will change/ get better after sometime, without seeing and realizing to what extent I have deliberately blinded myself when being in relationships, wherein I have caramelized the actual reality of the relationship through the creation of an apparent chemical marriage that I then used as a way to justify empathy as preference toward another, while accepting and allowing obvious patterns of separation that were Not Self-Supportive.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself the moment that I perceived that the other person was absolutely responsible for the situation, and in this, victimizing myself and believing that ‘I had done nothing wrong,’ that it wasn’t my fault that this didn’t work out,’ while being absolutely aware of all the constant patterns of allowances and acceptances that were flashing ‘red alerts’ all the time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience myself so emotionally burnt after a breakup that all I could do was cry, without realizing that it was me only crying out for having actually lost the opportunity of that actual initial immediate point of comfort ability with another and that I have kept as a regret point in my life, without realizing that I had not even set out the basic points of self support as words within myself for that matter, which means that the entire relationship was only that and never an actual agreement, which is the actual truth that I could not see in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take relationships as something that can be brewed out of nowhere in one single moment without taking into consideration what I am actually really getting myself into, realizing that I only did it out of the spontaneous ‘struck of the heart’ in believing that ‘I must go there’ and in that, having the worst crash till the very bottom when realizing that I only fed my ‘good feelings’ about someone while neglecting the obvious reality that was yelling out separation and dysfunction in distinctive moments that I simply allowed to go by.

 

I commit myself to establish a self-agreement of communication wherein I make sure I clarify toward myself what I am willing to live by with/ as myself wherein I do not ever create another bubble as a relationship entity with another as a ‘separate world,’ while neglecting the obvious separation that such application entails.

 

I commit myself to voice myself no matter ‘who it is’ that I am talking toward as that is a practical living-realization of me being addressing myself/ voicing myself as that which I see is common sense and supportive to communicate about.

 

A cool point about this is that I don’t have to be fueling the ghosts of the past, it is only when directing myself to write about it that memories come up, images, pictures, moments that I believed I was really happy and that everything was alright – and I did have a lot of fun while it lasted. A point that must be stopped at all times is future projections when and while being in any give moment, and to make sure that I do not become stagnant in my perceived stability when and while being alone. I definitely see and realize that there is a long process to walk ahead. Enough for now.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

“Twin Soul – the only twin soul that can exist is in drawings of souls that look like twins OR within the minds of those fantasizing about twin souls in their minds – but within existence: twin souls no more exist. And the practical application here would be to – whatever one is looking for in the twin soul – is what self must gift to self to be/become whole again. TWIN SOULS should be saying something, in that – the TWIN/SAME SOUL is showing that self is in fact yearning for/looking for SELF. C’mon – the codes couldn’t have been MORE OBVIOUS.” Sunette Spies 

 

 

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Women that like ‘Bad Boys’

Today I listened to the interview that Bernard uploaded with regards to women being attracted to aggressive males. The moment I read the title of the video I realized that I was reacting according to what I had defined as a  ‘preference’ point. Now this not based on what I have defined as ‘physical aggression’ but a single attitude of males that seem to act ‘tough’ or seemingly intrepid/ aggressive which ends up being translated as the ‘rebellious’ type.

 

Now, looking at relationships I saw how I have existed within this pattern as a ‘preference’ point wherein I would be ‘drawn’-to or attracted to people that would present themselves as ‘aggressive’ or ‘rebellious’. My experience towards this ‘preference’ – or what I deemed as preference – was that of identifying my self still to that point, this is then the reason why I reacted to this single interview – or just by reading the title – as this was pushing a button directly wherein still in the back of my head I would be looking for a male that would seemingly be ‘aggressive’ or ‘tough’ or ‘rebellious’. <This eventually caused me to get my self into relationships which I have already taken on through a self forgiveness ride so to speak, extensively as this was one of the primary points that I took on when I began my process.

 

Though this time it wasn’t about those particular ‘males’ in my life, it was about the ‘type’ of person that I would still ‘feel atracted to’ which we can see it’s based on a ‘feeling’, it’s based on an idea that I’ve still kept as part of ‘who I am’

 

When listening to the entire interview, I realized that I am definitely placing myself now in a position to walk with someone that is definitely the type of person I would not be ‘attracted to’ in terms of how they portray themselves – meaning ‘aggressive’ or seemingly ‘tough’, but actually allowing myself to get into a more ‘noble’ or ‘soft’ establishment wherein I have actually directed myself – not by that initial ‘likeness’ or ‘preference’, but by an actual realization of what is best for myself as best for all, someone I can actually support and walk with in terms of being flexible, not rough but rather gentle as I have been rather ‘rough’ myself in terms of relationships.

 

>Thus, I see that within the establishment of an agreement, this is the basic point to look at – not allowing myself to seek once again an ‘aggressive type’ but actually directing myself to stand with someone that will actually Support-myself and whom I can support-back without having such preprogrammed desire to be abused or creating that idea that ‘I like it rough’ and stuff which I had previously placed myself in previous life experiences within relationships.

 

I am currently satisfied that I am walking this point within these terms, the initial reaction I had then was ‘walked-through’ as I realized that I simply have to forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe or perceive that I was attracted to rought/ aggresive type of mails without realizing that I was actually only acting according to a preprogrammed pattern that is NOT who I am in any way whatsoever and thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself according to an apparent preference point of ‘liking tough males’ or liking ‘rebellious/ aggressive males’ because I saw them as ‘stronger’ and ‘people of respect’ without realizing that it is actually a preprogrammed defense-mechanism played out by males mostly in order to not be vulnerable and actually be open to change to stand in an equal stance with no ego on the front.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having identified ‘toughness’ or ‘aggresion’ with males as the type of males that I like without realizing that it was only me acting according to preprogramming and not actually stopping myself from any  moment that I would be ‘attracted to’ such type of males. Now I see and realize that I was simply still lingering to a self definition point according to preprogramming which is simply required to be stopped in order to actually direct myself within an agreement wherein I do not act according to or based upon  ‘preference’ but actual principle  upon assessing with whom it is best to walk this process towards a one and equal outcome as what’s best for all instead of going for a single idea or desire that I have followed in the past and that has proven to be the actual limitation wherein I create an ideal of ‘what I like’ without realizing I end up abusing myself and another for accepting and allowing such attitudes as ‘who the person is’

 

I am here to direct myself to stand with a partner based on common sense and in equality regardless of personality or any point of ‘preference’ and instead, commit myself to walk this according to what’s best for the partner as what’s best for myself as equals within the establishment of what’s best for all in all ways.

 

This is what I’ve walked and realized through walking the Desteni I Process as part of my entire process walked with Desteni – this is me now directing myself to establish what’s best for all when walking with another, relationships had been an ‘issue’ for me – not anymore, I can say I am here and ready to walk as the directness and confidence within myself as I stand as that point of Self Trust required to support myself and support another as myself.

I do not accept and allow myself to define myself according to any ‘preference’ towards males but instead alk one and equal with another that is willing to walk the same process I’m walking within Self Correction according to that which is best for all life.

I Stand as that point of self-direction considering the practical reality instead of following an ideal of what’s ‘best for myself’.

Cool! lol I had reacted a bit for that moment, I can see in clarity how I can direct this and thus, correct it in my reality.


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