Tag Archives: past friendships

August 25, 2017

599. Letting Go of an Infatuation

By Marlen

Or closing doors or cycles from the past by verifying in physical reality what was the ‘myth’ I had created about certain things/people in my life that I can now let go of.

The word ‘infatuation’ just popped up as I asked myself what is the word that I require to look at and open up in relation to what I decided to experience yesterday, which is cool because many times we believe we have to get the answer ‘somewhere else out there’ when in fact it is all here as ourselves.

So what was also highlighted from this word infatuation is the ‘fat’ in it and it’s an interesting thing to look at because there’s been a couple of audios recently released at Eqafe.com that explain the relationship of Fat in the physical body, the unseen dimensions and relationships of it between our emotions, our minds and the effect or impact our participation in them has at a visible level on our physical body. What interested me is to become aware of how we sometimes hold on to certain memories in our minds based on an emotional or feeling attachment we create to them, and I’ve been in a way in my current reality deliberately opening up these ‘emotional attachments’ to the memories about people in my past and getting to see what’s of real substance in them and what is a sheer form of ‘junk food’ that I’ve been nibbling on in my mind for an extended period of time, with no other purpose than holding on to the ideas, experiences and yes, ‘memories’ about these past situations with these people that were all in my head really and had no context to my current reality.

Here’s a quote from it:

 “This is what most people live as really, your memories are like an emotional sentiment, you want to cling and hold on to for some odd reason.

Same as what anyone would hold onto a picture of a loved one, and every time they look at that picture they become emotional, it’s an emotional sentiment. You do the no different thing to your own memories in your mind. Many people wonder “why am I holding on to these emotional memories?” – The same question can be asked on why you’re holding on to a picture or an emotional state. That’s also showing the within and without.” – Fat and the Body’s Energy – What Matters in Matter

Yesterday I particularly decided to for once and for all stop ‘fooling around’ with some memories attached to a particular relationship that didn’t end up well in my life several years ago and actually get to see the person again and realize for once and for all how much I had been ‘dwelling’ on that situation without actually giving it direction, and how much it had in fact consumed me – or rather how much I had ‘stacked up’ the memories as a burden on me – that were in fact all self-created and didn’t exist as much of a ‘problem’ in the other person’s life.

In this I saw how much of an infatuation I had created towards all the memories, ideas, moments I had lived with such person and how it had all ‘boiled down to’ a form of misunderstanding or ‘spat’ that I believed I had to resolve through getting to see the person again. However I realized it had all mostly been created in my own head and how I made it an issue about it that I kept rewinding and recycling in my head for several years, to the point where it would come up in dreams and it seemed it just wasn’t ‘leaving me alone’ but! The reality is that I was the one still holding on to it, clinging to it because of the ‘feeding ground’ it became for me, my mind, my self-definition and a form of ‘lockage’ into the past.

On Monday I was talking to a friend about this particular situation lived in the past within such relationship and as I was talking about it I realized how silly it was for me to keep holding on to this kind of apparent ‘tragic end’ to a certain relationship and believing that it had to do with the other person, when in fact it was all done for and by myself throughout a great chunk of my life, which explains why it had become such an extensive part of my consciousness. This one relationship I had defined as that one point that was either going to fully ‘lock me in’ to what I was supposed to be or one that I would completely turn around and walk away from in order to step out of the ‘preplanned’ route for me in my life. I did the latter, physically, but in my mind there still existed a form of ‘holding on to’ experiences for the sheer ‘memory value’ that makes no sense at all to hold on to, really.

And here also to understand that memories – as anything that we’ve gone through from years ago to the moment before this one here – will always be part of ourselves, we cannot ‘erase’ memories, but we can change who we are in relation to them and this is where the ‘infatuation’ word comes in nicely, where I had in fact developed a form of infatuation in relation to the past and the idea of what this person represented in my life, sort of like my own memory-portrait that I would every now and then look at and recreate some kind of puzzling experience from yearning, to hope, to regret, to judgment and criticism towards the other person. In the end, it became this one ‘basket’ wherein I would throw in all kinds of mixed feelings and emotions and I’ve been ‘carrying it around’ for such a long time that it’s in fact actually kind of ridiculous now that I see how the other person has existed in relation to the same situation and how I blew things out of proportion in my head, which is another particular ‘trait’ of ourselves when thinking and experiencing emotions or feelings in our minds about things = they don’t really have anything to do with physicality of things, it’s all self-induced and self-created.

I also noticed how at a physical level I became quite ‘drained’ at the end of the day yesterday due to the amount of expectation that I built around this encounter, which I decided to entirely do by myself and in a way within a ‘once and for all stop ‘fooling around’ stance’ with my own mind and memories and rather face the real deal to demystify the ideas around this person and what once was in our relationship.

I realize the importance of speaking out as in sounding, verbalizing, talking about things that we have kept in our minds like a broken record for a long time. I’m actually glad that I started sharing about this on Monday and three days after I decided to give it some direction for once and for all, because it was only through sounding it/verbalizing it, talking about it with another person that I could see how it was kind of ‘foolish’ to be holding on to that in my mind, and saw how it was one of these ‘hooks’ with which I had been trapped in the past without fully and truly deciding to let go of it, which is what I have concluded that I have to actually do and live from all of this.

There are things that we might ‘hold on to’ for no other reason than deciding to continue defining ‘who we are’ in relation to such person, past situation as a memory – and in doing so, creating a constant ‘infatuation’ that is entirely fed by ourselves, by our participation in it, by trying to find ‘if there’s something more to it that we are not seeing’ when in fact, there are things that we just have to write, self-forgive, understand AND fully decide to let go.

See, throughout the years I had done the writing, I had done extensive self-forgiveness on it, but I hadn’t made a full and complete decision to actually let go of the attachment as this ‘sticky thought’ or memory that I had actually wanted to hold on to for the sheer ‘energy value’ entertainment to it. So I realize I have to actually make peace with it and remind myself that: that’s part of the past, that’s done, there’s nothing ‘there’ in it to see anymore – what was learned and gotten from it is here as myself, and all the rest I let go and let it ‘rest in peace’ as the memories they are as a part of my life, as a part of who I once was and in that, I realize I don’t have to define myself in relation to it any longer. I decide now to see the memories for what they are and instead see the people for who they currently are in their lives.

Lol, just checking the meaning of the word ‘infatuation’ and voilà! Perfect description

ORIGIN

            C16: from Latin infatuat-, infatuare ‘make foolish’.

I can definitely see how I’ve been quite foolish around this point, and how I am definitely at a point of maturity where I am shedding the things that I held on to by actually cross-referencing in reality who am I in relation to these people by actually talking to them, seeing who they are, seeing how I experience myself in relation to them in their presence.

And the reality is that it was all very ‘anti-climatic’ – as it definitely should be – in the sense that there was nothing moving in me while in their presence, more like I was very ‘shifty’ prior to meeting these people from past relationships and being a bit anxious, nervous or building up an expectation that became quite felt at a physical level due to mostly how it’s been such a long time since I last interacted with them and in a way trying to ‘wrap my mind’ about all the potential outflows from it, but that’s where I realized I could only trust myself in the moment, calm myself down through for example walking slowly on my way to meet the other person, but that didn’t really help much during yesterday’s case and situation where I had definitely stacked up a lot of expectations throughout a long, long time – like years – so it played out right before or ‘on my way’ to the meeting point and it was quite interesting as well that once that I was standing in front of the person, it started diffusing, the whole ‘build up’ was finally waning, but this doesn’t mean it didn’t have any effect on my body – oh yes, it did.

I realize how much it sucks to create these burdens and ‘ups and downs’ by ourselves in our own minds and bodies based on these infatuations created about something or someone. In my case definitely existing a lot in relation to ‘the past’ and holding on to it like a form of trophy which makes no sense really. In that case it creates atrophy in my own self-creation, evolution and expansion in my current reality, because of ‘holding on to’ whatever it is that in my mind I saw as ‘unresolved issues’ around certain things or even if it was holding on to the ‘good stuff’ that once was – same thing – it’s not living fully in the present, in what’s ‘here’ and current in my life.

And here it doesn’t mean I don’t have to ‘ever talk to these people again,’ nope. I of course can, but not see them as ‘the icons’ I created of them in the filing of my past, but rather approach them anew, as I approach other people that I’ve been meeting recently in my reality, and it’s a much more liberating interaction because we are not holding on to ‘things of the past’ to define ‘who we are’ or ‘who we should be’ towards them. If anything it was also cool for me to see that I didn’t ‘adjust’ who I am around these people, I definitely have gotten to a point where I am what I am regardless of who I talk to, which is a cool constant point as well.

I’ve also realized that it isn’t about having to actually go to the people and sort things out or ‘lay things out with them to create peace’  – I mean if one can do it, cool, it’s a nice test anyways to see how one experiences oneself in such situations – but for the most part it is really about deciding to resolve it within ourselves, through the usual tools of writing, self-forgiveness in self honesty and then the important chunk of it is actually letting go of it which means, no longer feeding such memories, such ‘what ifs’ in our minds which become like this junk food that I’ve been eating up or ‘munching at’ for far too long now.

In such case as with anything, one can always recognize the cool points learned from such past relationships – including the ‘falls’ we had in them and what we can learn about ourselves from those ‘bitter’ situations. We can also see which words are related to self-supportive points that we can create an awareness of and decide to live fully as ourselves. I found yesterday how I had in fact become some of these words I learned from this person and how we were both playing that word out now with other people in the moment, which was interesting because I didn’t have to ‘remember’ what role I used to play in such situations when he would be the one living the word ‘openness’ in interactions with other people, which would mean I was more like ‘standing in the background.’ This time I was already living such openness to talk to someone I’ve never seen in my life and develop an interest in who they are and what they do, which I learned from this particular old friend who was also present and was simply funny to see that happening in the moment, and that’s for example one point I learned from him that I decided to keep on living in my life and a few other things that I found are supportive in my relationship to people in general, especially those that I don’t have any prior relationship or contact with, but have that ability to start a conversation and get to know any person a bit, which is quite cool.

Anyways, that’s an example of things I’ve learned from people in my past, and sure with some it shall be cool to see them every now and then, but for the most part my approach to them is no longer from a starting point of ‘continuing what we left off from in the past’ or ‘holding on to the idea I had of them’ or ‘wanting to re-ignite what once was in our relationship in the past’ because as much as some people might still be generally ‘the same’ after so many years, I definitely have changed quite a bit and it’s also cool to see and confirm how there are certain things that were maybe pertinent to me at some point in my past, but I’ve also now moved on to other things and I’m quite glad about it as well because there is also a way for me to reference ‘who I currently am’ in relation to things, situations, people that I once could identify myself with in quite an extensive manner.  It’s like going into a time capsule and seeing who am I currently in relation to this point of my past and realizing well yeah, of course it’s no longer relevant to my current reality, therefore the ‘spell of the past’ is gone and that’s what is liberating to me

Maybe I had to corroborate this with my own eyes and in my own presence, to debunk these ‘ghosts from the past’ and stop fooling myself in relation to it all, which is quite cool and I do ponder ‘man, what took me so long?’ But, it’s been an ongoing process for the last couple of months that goes ‘in tune’ with various other things opening up in my life where I am also in a way ‘closing the door from the past’, where I can let go of ‘who I was’ or how I would generally see and define me in relation to others and what others ‘were to me’ back then and instead be able to approach them from a current-reality standpoint and that’s definitely supportive to do, it’s a grounding process and experience which is assisting me to put the past to rest as it should in my mind and body.

Thanks for reading and check out the Eqafe.com interviews I suggested above that explain the relationship of fat in the body and mind, very interesting stuff that our current science hasn’t caught up with yet

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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July 14, 2017

582. From Resentment to Learning and Appreciating

By Marlen

 

Or walking through a revision of past relationships and learning to let go of ‘what once was’, keeping what was good while also opening up current opportunities to communicate and learn from myself and others.

So, continuing on the point of reconciliation within self and then extending it to some people in my life. It really only takes one’s will to get things done, a decision to look at it and in self-honesty just move and do the connections, do the writings, sending the messages or emails and get it done, I really have no excuse to do this nowadays with our multiple ways to connect through the internet, so it was just a matter of ‘doing it’ and so it’s done.

It was interesting to send messages to people that I know I had been particularly arrogant and short-sighted towards, in a way yes explaining a bit of my context back then in my interactions with them and how I’d like to apologize for my behavior and abrupt ways towards them. These are people that even if we are not ‘on the same page’ anymore, I’ve tested this out some two years ago with another past friend of mine how it was quite supportive to simply get in contact again, have some coffee together and get past the ‘itch’ of having ended up things in an ‘awkward way’ after being quite close friends – best friends actually – for a few years over a decade ago. In the same way I also decided to ‘touch base’ with another friend that I had also been procrastinating to contact for some months now and in a way reminding myself to not be the one that ‘let’s things dry’ because of not nurturing relationships, and in doing so forgetting how much I do enjoy sharing myself with people and not only in this format of writing a blog but in actual one on one communication.

I’ve looked at the word ‘miser’ lately and how I tend to in a way isolate myself, even more so when things are going quite stable, fine in my life and not consider sharing more of myself with others when things are ‘quite alright’ on my end. Meaning, I’ve seen how the pattern in my life has been of mostly keeping in contact with others when being ‘longing’ for communication or ‘desiring’ some kind of contact with others or feeling down and in a way wanting to establish a point of support for me through getting in contact with others. In other words, I’ve seen how in my case I had tended to create relationships because of not being ‘ok’ and ‘stable’ within myself, or having sought validation, appreciation or ‘self-worth’ through relationships and friendships. I realize how I haven’t yet decided to create relationships without having a ‘need’ for it such as having an experience of dread within me like feeling that ‘I need to talk to someone’ or out of wanting someone to ‘hear my problems’ or vice versa where I played ‘the savior’ with friends and partners as my way to be relevant in someone’s life, but that’s in the past.

So the new starting point is establishing communication is simply through making a decision to get to see how another is doing and where they’re at in their lives and simply saying ‘Hi! I’m here!’ and having no further pretense on it, which is what I decided to do today as a result of deciding to live the word reconciliation with certain people I had kept in a ‘bottle’ within myself tagged as ‘conflictive situations’ and had buried it somewhat deep down in the sands of time so as to apparently not have to ‘face them’ at any point again. But I know they come up in my awareness, therefore I knew that I still had to give a direction to it, which I did just today.

I’d like to share a bit about my physical experience while writing to both of them. A noticeable kind of ‘wavering’ emerged in my solar plexus, a bit of a heaviness as well because of believing ‘I don’t know where to start’ but didn’t dwell much on it. I started with whatever came up in the moment, something that has recently led me to think of them or remember them and from there share a bit more about myself, leading to going ‘straight to the point’ of what I consider I wanted to share with them for some time now which is apologizing for how I treated them before, explaining a bit of my context at the time and from there opening up the door for communication, and leave it at that.

It was also interesting how in a way as I was typing  – and this is rather unusual in me – I was kind of wanting to look away from the screen as I was typing lol, like looking towards the window as my fingers moved on across the keyboard (I can type without seeing the keyboard) so upon noticing these insta-moments of ‘wanting to look away’ I realized that it was me physically acting the remnants of this ‘admitting my silliness’ towards them and a bit of shame related to ‘what I’ve done’ towards these people and ‘owning’ my reaction through finally writing/touching base with them.

What was also important for me is to clear my starting point, meaning not contacting them out of guilt, out of ‘making up for’ the past or ‘redeeming’ myself with them – even though I apologized, it’s more a consideration of me towards them, but not out of guilt anymore –  it was more of a genuine decision to ‘open up’ to communicate, to be willing to follow through the communication and also making sure I hold no reactions, grudges, ideas, beliefs perceptions about ‘them’ or ‘the past’ or anything of that, but kind of create a ‘blank slate’ for them, anew, meeting them for the first time type of openness if you will.

I consider this is also part of the maturity to embrace our past, not judging it and being able to embrace what’s here in our current reality, no longer being limited by the past or holding relationships of ‘grudges’ and ‘sour times’ towards to others, but being self-forgiving towards it all.

You know how when we are kids – or sometimes not so ‘young’ but happens anyways – and we get flustered with each other for ‘silly reasons’ – hence the ‘reconciliation = recognizing the silliness in a situation’ – and how much we had to hold up this ‘tight face’ towards each other, yet how easy it was to also in a moment decide to ‘be friends again’ and be done with it at the same time, quite a more innocent approach for sure, which I can now integrate as the way to look at people: with innocence, anew, not ‘loading all my memories of the past’ next time I see them, but be ‘devoid’ of it all and work with what emerges in the moment.

To me there was a significant situation in my life where I was able to understand how ‘easy’ it was to get back to ‘being friends with’ someone even after years of not talking to each other. This happened with my cousin who later on became my best friend for quite a few years where we had a conflict, a ‘kids’ conflict’ – yes, literally fighting over a Barbie skirt or something like that or me being bothered by the roles she wanted to take on in ‘children’s play’ – and we got to a point of deciding not to talk to each other. I was like 5 and she was 6 and this lasted for some 5 years in fact. We would go to the same school every day, be taken to it in the same car and only speak the basics, but never hangout together. I still can’t believe how long it took us to get to ‘make peace’ with each other, which didn’t emerge from us, but through my aunt that decided to place us both in a situation of giving each other ‘the peace hand’ during a new year’s eve or Christmas after 5 years of not talking to each other, and from there on we were together for quite a few years in a very close manner.

I consider now how my ‘pre-teens’ and early teenage years would have been if I had not re-established my relationship with my cousin that way, and how I would have turned out if I had continued to live with a grudge and this ‘silly’ disconnection towards her for really ‘no reason’ at all other than each one of us having these ‘tough headed reasons’ of why we apparently disliked each other. Yet, when we finally made peace with each other, it was almost instantaneous that we could enjoy each other a lot along with the rest of our cousins. Though it seems I didn’t entirely learn from that situation at the time, because I did get to repeat same story in my life with a few people, some whom I see is also best to not contact for now because of yes, being in quite different ‘spots’ in our lives, though it’s also up to me to ensure that I am not holding any grudges or ‘hurt feelings’ towards them.

What I’ve been doing instead lately is to remember of all of these people that I’ve come to be in contact with and be friends with at some point in my life – no matter how long or short mostly from my teenage years on – and rather being grateful for them, for the times I got to spend with them, what I got to learn from them, how each one assisted me in their own ways to ‘open up’ to a world that would have been quite difficult for me to find and discover on my own. Therefore I’ve been also doing this ‘revisiting’ within myself towards these people in my life and changing my perspective towards them from only seeing ‘their defects, their problems, the justifications why I stopped being friends with or in a relationship with them’ to rather ‘keeping all the good’ that I did learn from them, that I got to enjoy from them and that I have in fact integrated as parts of myself and who I am without being consciously aware of it. Therefore turning my relationship towards them within myself from existing in a grudge to gratefulness, of learning from each and remembering in essence all the cool stuff that I did get to learn, live and express with and through my relationships with them.

This has assisted me in also stop seeing my past relationships as ‘a fuckup’ or only as a bundle of ‘problems’ or ‘conflicts’ and whatever else stands in a negative stance. This has only been possible to do as I also have been changing the way I see my life and how I see people, stopping focusing on all the flaws, the heavy judgments I used to constantly rehash about everything and everyone and instead decide to cherish the supportive stuff, that which I genuinely learned from and enjoyed in and from them.

Now this is also a way to turn nostalgia into something practical too, because I had tended to become very ‘nostalgic’ about my past that I either idealized within a ‘positive’ experience or the complete opposite. What I’ve done is to instead be more objective and going reviewing ‘each person’ that in a way has made an impact in my life and seeing the words they lived, the aspects I liked about them, what ‘attracted me to them’ and from there seeing how I can live these words within myself. This makes of this ‘remembering’ or ‘revisiting’ process something a lot more supportive than just rewinding memories and creating a yearning for the past or something like that, which is not ‘here’ not for them, not for me, not for anyone really.

So, this becomes a much more tangible thing to do in a way to also create a reconciliation with my past, with how I related to people back in the day and yes why not? seeing what can be re-established in relation to them currently – or also using imagination in a supportive manner to see ‘who would I be’ if I see them again, would I hide and pretend I don’t see them or would I gladly approach them to talk to them? The latter is what I decide to do, which is not something that comes ‘natural’ to me, because I’ve seen how when being caught up in the moment fear has emerged and I’ve done the ‘hiding and pretend you don’t see them’ before, but I decide to change this because hiding and pretending not to see means there are memories, things I am still reacting to, fearing or defining of myself in relation to them, and there’s no point in continuing that, because I have in essence nothing to ‘hold on to’ of my past any longer.

This is therefore merely the outflow and practical process of in fact ‘letting go’ of the past and what it means to practically not react to memories and people ‘of my past’ and instead learn to see them as: people! Yes, sure,  people I connected with in various levels before, but I can decide to no longer see them as ‘a memory’ but focus on who they are currently and take it from there, which is the same approach I definitely would like others to create towards me: to bury all hatchets and start anew, because hell, yes I’ve done this for myself within this process, giving myself that ‘blank slate’ and ‘starting over’ in so many aspects, so it’s about time to extend it to many other ways ‘outside’ of myself too.

Thanks for reading!

Check out these supportive audios to walk through similar points in your life

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

Life Review – The Relationship between Fear, Guilt and Shame

How to Transcend Shame and Transform It to Integrity – Part 170

Guilt: Understanding Guilt – Atlanteans – Part 123

Shame, Shame, Shame – Quantum Systemization – Part 58

Redefining Integrity – Reptilians’ Support – Part 171

It’s too Late for Me – The Future of Consciousness – Part 78

Wall of Shame – Quantum Systemization – Part 69

 

 Rooting Back

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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