647. The Birthing Process: Patience and Perseverance

After we had made our decision to give birth at home, we continued to get educated on the topic watching documentaries and learning from other couples that had gone through the same process recently, which gave us further strength and trust in ourselves and in our capacity to do it. This is something I consider is very supportive for first time mothers, to get acquainted with other mothers to be and get a firsthand share of how the birthing process was for them. In my case, the pregnant ladies I met that gave birth during the time I was expecting, didn’t have favorable outcomes in their intent to have natural births, which did initially moved me in the sense of thinking ‘what ifs’ but, I have to thank my partner and the midwives that were able to explain why such complications took place so that I could see the reasoning behind it and so, not fear, and get myself back to trusting myself and my capacity to do it.

 

One interesting thing is how upon getting to meet our midwife Minerva and getting more informed, I became quite settled and tranquil within the process and fears dissipated, because I saw how much I had been brainwashed to see birth as something painful or terrifying even. And that was awesome as well, because then I wasn’t fearing getting to the delivery time, I had other resistances that played out as I will share here, which were of another kind.

 

So the story begins… It was January 14th, I had gone to my yoga class that morning and then had a family meeting to celebrate my father’s 70th birthday and I actually was feeling quite alright but already having some of what I had understood were the famously known Braxton-Hicks contractions, which interestingly enough I started noticing in a more defined way on January 1st. That same day at night, I was eating some left overs of the chocolate cake I had made for my father and one of those contractions came and I told my mother: ‘come and feel this!’ and she placed her hand on my belly and she was shocked by how rock-hard it felt and she was like ‘how long have you been feeling these?’ and so I said that I noticed them from the beginning of the year – actually on the 31st to be precise when we were at the movies watching Parasite, lol, Minerva really disliked that movie chair – and she explained how there’s this theory that 2 weeks after these contractions begin, well, labor also begins. I didn’t pay much attention and just said how this was nothing to worry about.

 

The midwife, Minerva, had explained to us how from the 11th on, anything could happen. Well, I was still kind of holding the idea that first time mothers deliver mostly close to the 40th week or even later, I was in the middle of the 38th and I thought I ‘still have time’ and actually was kind of being lax about buying some of the stuff required for the whole home birth experience. Actually on the 10th we were still going to shops to buy stuff and we were foreseeing to start packing and moving things by the end of that week… well, that night we came home and close to midnight I saw that the mucus plug came out. I kind of freaked out even though I knew this was something that would happen before labor started. I also held on to some information of how some women lost this plug and ended up having their child some 2 weeks later, I thought this was going to be my case.

 

I told my partner, I wasn’t feeling anything after that, so we went to sleep and all I can say is that in the middle of my sleep I was feeling this quite heavy or hard contractions throughout the night, but I kept sweeping them aside as if they were just the Braxton-Hicks ones and nothing serious, however the pain was getting definitely more than the ones I had felt the days before. So, it was at 4 am when I decided to wake my partner up and explain the situation and from that moment on, contractions started happening quite frequently. I downloaded an app to keep track of them and man, it turned out that they were happening every 10 minutes and then, gee, every three minutes! lol the app was telling us ‘you need to rush to the hospital right NOW!’ lol well I laugh because I also knew this could happen and how it didn’t mean that labor is starting ‘right now’ but I still called Minerva – our midwife – at 5 am and let her know about it, she simply said to keep her updated and let her know whenever we wanted them to come to the house.

 

I called my mother and she obviously freaked out because, yes, like me, we weren’t expecting this to happen ‘so soon!’ and my reaction was that of rushing and worrying how I didn’t get to have or ‘leave’ everything ready, I was still expecting to have some time left, some more days to go swimming or to my yoga class – yep! I had such kind of thoughts in the middle of these continuous series of contractions at 5 am on that Wednesday morning. But, in the middle of my disbelief, we started packing everything we needed to temporarily move to my parent’s house where the birth and my postpartum time would be spent.

 

By that time, I really thought that our daughter was going to come in the next following hours, but! what actually happened is that the contractions receded, they essentially slowed down in frequency, oh and I was also having some of the amniotic fluid coming out, but not entirely, so midwife explained how this was a partial rupture of the membranes, so that kept me ‘on guard’ so to speak as well because of having to keep an eye on that and ensuring the liquid remained clear- if not, that means attention, you need to go to a hospital soon.

 

To make the story shorter, contractions kept happening that day, sometimes an hour and a half would transpire before I had another one, sometimes they happened every 20 minutes, and that’s how most of the day went. At night, they spiked and so, I would wake up to manage them – because it’s not particularly nice to experience contractions while laying down in my experience – and my partner would assist me in every single one of them. We would sleep in between the contractions and to make the story even shorter, the same happened in the following two nights which means by the time I got to the day of giving birth, I have had four nights of really bad sleep with contraction pains… not cool, but that’s how it went.

 

The next day on Thursday, we got the first visit from the midwives after me telling them that contractions were still happening just not as frequently to call it an ‘active’ labor phase. So they came home, checked baby’s vital signs and did some acupuncture on me, some massaging and some rebozeo, which is a very traditional technique with what is called a ‘wrap’ in English to help the baby position herself better to give birth and also to assist with my hips and in general also to relieve some tension in my body. That was great, it all was aimed to ‘start the engine’ on the giving birth process. They explained to us how most women go into ‘activity’ at night due to some hormones, and so I was expecting that action would begin that night, but it didn’t. We had another long night with multiple contractions but nothing too painful to call it an active labor phase yet.

 

On Friday, both midwives came home again, this time they gave me a series of homeopathic stuff to induce labor and here comes the most interesting part, they also have a set of questions to check up on some of the emotional stuff that could be clogging or delaying the active labor phase. So when Minerva asked ‘are you ready to give birth to your child?’ My Ms. Correctness answer was ‘yes, as ready as I can be’ but my partner was like ‘hold on, that’s not true’ lol! Grateful for his ever bluntly honest perspectives and feedback because he then explained to me how I was still doing my work in the past days, how i was still doing chores and the ‘regular stuff’ and in essence not really focusing on the birthing process at all. I had to admit that was in fact true and how my sense of ‘responsibility’ was killing me because of not having ‘everything ready’ at the time and still holding on to that idea of myself having to ‘get to do everything’ and not really giving myself that space to realize: you are about to give Birth! How about focusing on THAT!

 

Well, that was my first point of admitting I was preoccupying myself with all kinds of stuff instead of realizing: it’s time, baby is about to be born. And then, there was some kind of question related to the end of pregnancy, and that’s where the nail was hit on the head as well. As the conversation opened up, I realized how pregnancy had become my comfort zone, I was feeling so well and was able to do ‘all of these things’ like going out and exercising and I was sleeping well up to the contraction-night time that I just kind of wanted to prolong that phase because, hey! it’s easier apparently, you don’t have to actually take care of the baby outside of the womb, don’t have to feed them or get to be awake at night, baby goes everywhere with me and I didn’t have to do a thing to care for her… this was my point of resistance and what also delayed my active labor phase.

 

It turns out that I was holding on to the pregnancy and as such, I was holding on to keeping the baby inside me, I hadn’t essentially let go and ‘detached’ in that sense of her. And, as I was sitting cross legged on the mat with my partner next to me and I started opening up all of these things about me ‘holding on to the pregnancy’ and having her within me… I seriously hadn’t realized this if it wasn’t for those questions that led me to find this out. And the moment that I said: “I need to let go, I need to detach” bam! The ‘water broke’ or the membranes were ruptured and liquid started flowing for real this time. I started crying, it was such a ‘magical’ moment, it seemed that’s what I had to realize, to really recognize this time as ‘this is IT! Baby is coming’ and in a way then also embracing that this was the end of this ‘sweet time’ that I made of pregnancy to be.

 

Was it the homeopathy, was it the talk, was it all of the above? I’m not sure or all of the above, but one thing led to another and so this time contractions continued ‘as usual’ throughout the afternoon and then around 10 pm at night on that Friday night, contractions really went up in intensity. I started experiencing them every 20 minutes and I kept tracking most of them. I am eternally grateful for my partner that would wake up with me and step out of bed in every single one of them throughout the night to assist me with coping with the pain, now that was some more intense stuff I couldn’t just ‘laugh’ through as I had done in the previous contractions. I had to be swaying from side to side holding his hand and holding myself from a piece of furniture that was in fact Minerva’s diaper changing zone 🙂 Well, once we saw that the intensity had reasonably augmented and that this time they didn’t seem to slow down in time, we called the midwives to let them know it was time to come home.

 

I still can’t fathom how we managed to do this, we would sleep some solid 20 minutes and like clockwork a new contraction would begin, then we would go back to sleep and so forth. By the time I kept track of the last series of contractions before midwives arrived at around 5 am on Saturday morning, I had logged in more than 235 contractions since early Wednesday morning when I started tracking them. God knows how many more I did on the rest of that Saturday when things got really intense and then we certainly knew it active labor time.

 

That Saturday is kind of fuzzy to me, time ceased to exist and I just remember having a lot of contractions, being on several positions, holding my partner’s hands in each contraction, holding the midwives hands when he had to leave to eat or go to the toilet. I was assisted with many natural means throughout the whole process, I had a heated bag of salt on my back to relieve the pain. I had homeopathy, aromatherapy, essential oils, massage, acupuncture all done throughout that day to assist with activating the process and relieving pain.

 

I was also able to eat whatever I wanted to, this apparently is a no go when going to a hospital. I had my aunt sending me some chicken soup and I even ate a bit of a hamburger throughout that day lol along with all the usual nuts and seeds that I eat, dried fruits, lots of electrolytes and a natural mix of lemon, salt, baking soda and honey to hydrate myself. I had some really rough moments where I thought

I wasn’t going to make it, I felt like fainting, I hadn’t slept in the past 4 nights and I was in pain. I got a tact done by Minerva and got to know I was half way dilated, there was progress, yay, but still had a long way to go. After some more hours of constant contractions, I got another tact done and voilà, I was fully dilated, yay, but I was exhausted.

 

This was a crucial moment because the birth tub was getting filled with water but there was a general concern to use it or not, because as much as water helps to relieve pain, it can also slow down the process and ultimately take it to a halt if one gets ‘too comfy’ in the water. Well, I decided I wanted to do it anyways and give it my all to make it work.

 

Now, entering that birth pool was a heavenly experience to me, seriously, I don’t know what I would have done without that water embracing me in that moment, I am grateful for having chosen this method of giving birth, which also btw can only be used once that one is totally ready to give birth, so it’s meant to be used for a short period of time, but! in my case, I spent more time in it than expected because, It did happen that things came to a halt at some point, I lost focus, I was really tired and I had to essentially be ‘re-focused’ to it through a guided meditation, to essentially give myself the necessary awareness of how close I was to giving birth now and how I had to gather my strength to do it. At this point I was really in pain, I was screaming out loud with all of my lungs and I was also continually directed to refocus it, to not go into the ‘pain’ experience but to channel that through vocalizing it, with my whole body instead of just ‘screaming out of pain’ type of thing.

 

Something else that I got to actually take as a big lesson in all of this is how I am not entirely IN my physical body, meaning aware of how every muscle works and how to direct my body in fact when it comes to something like giving birth where I couldn’t really focus on pushing as such where I needed to push; instead, I would tense my whole body and that of course only prolonged things once again. This was getting everyone’s nerves to the top, to be honest, I could see everyone’s face how they could see the baby’s head and I even was told to stick my finger up to feel her head and I couldn’t believe that ‘this was it’ that it was in fact Minerva’s head, I thought it was some trick to keep me in good spirits and keep pushing, lol, but it was in fact so that she was only a few centimeters away from the outside. Well, those few centimeters took a couple of hours of constant pushing for her to actually come out, yes, it was intense and by that moment I was having contractions like every minute or god knows how often, all I remember was having a contraction, holding my legs up so that Minerva, the midwife, could do some aid with her hands to have the baby come out and then I would go back into the water and drink electrolytes. Yep, I ended up drinking like 5 bottles of it that day, all definitely needed because, I was truly in that marathon experience I had considered it would be, only with some ‘extra’ days added of relative hard work.

 

I was getting desperate by the very end, I kept pushing and everyone kept saying how close I was but the baby wasn’t coming out. I have to admit I said – almost at the very end – I give up, I can’t do this anymore. In that moment, my mother stepped up and reminded me how this was definitely not the time to ‘give up’ lol and how I had to give it my all. She actually had to directly explain to me how to breathe and direct the force of that breathe to push the baby out. It turns out I just wasn’t really ‘connecting’ with that innate way that women have to give birth, it turns out my intellect, my rational mind has more of a hold of me to the point that I wasn’t really surrendering to the process. And that was in fact one of the key words that also assisted me to finally give birth, to surrender to it, I was still trying to ‘manage’ the pain by tensing up my body throughout the contractions, instead of giving myself to it, surrendering to it, offering myself to the process so to speak, fully opening myself up. And that’s something that I finally did in those last moments of pushing when I gave it my all, it didn’t matter anymore if all of my insides would come out in that moment, I just wanted Minerva to come out and end this whole marathon for myself, for her and for everyone that was there and not there that were also stuck to their phones trying to find out any news about the birth, making their prayers and sending me good vibes essentially for everything to go well.

 

The moment came when I did one of those gargantuan efforts to push and with Minerva’s hands as aid, the head was released from my birth canal and a fraction of a second afterwards the whole body just came out like a torpedo in the water. I couldn’t believe myself and as I type this, I still can’t fathom how that was possible. My partner was in tears throughout the last phase of the process because he was seeing how much I was in pain and suffering, but I kept calm in that sort of trance that one goes into when giving birth, I can’t honestly recall if I cried at some point, I probably did, but the moment that Minerva came out it was just this giant relief, because I was just about to be ‘out’ when it comes to lacking energy to do another effort like that.

 

She was finally here, on my chest, spewing some phlegm out and mustering her first crying. I recognized the feel of her vertebrae because it was the same I would feel on my womb, I said how I was glad she was finally here, but I was mostly ‘out’ of myself by that moment. Giving birth to the baby doesn’t mean it’s over yet. Next came the placenta and I wasn’t ready to have more contractions for it to be delivered, I wanted to have some ‘rest time’ lol, but it didn’t quite happen, after some 20 minutes I had another big contraction – though less than the actual final delivery moment – and the placenta came out also with quite a force.

 

The next thing was to step out of the pool, which I didn’t want to do, but it was something I HAD to do since I was already at a very weak state and staying there was only prolonging getting back to the regular pressure of the outside and getting some actual rest. While the midwives and my partner were helping me to get out of the pool, Minerva was carried by my mother, a very happy grandmother that got to carry her first while still connected with the placenta that was kept in a crystal container next to her, that was definitely something new to her for sure as well.

 

As I went out of the pool, I felt the weight of gravity, I felt like the air wasn’t enough for me, I felt pain just everywhere and as I was walking next door to the room where we would be sleeping, I was ‘gone’ for a second. This was very creepy for me as well because that moment where I essentially ‘fainted’ seemed like an eternity for me. I was awaken by Minerva with the words ‘Marlen, wake up, you are here and now’  with a very direct voice and as I opened my eyes and saw her face, it’s as if I had been born myself again, like having that fraction of a second recap of what had just happened ‘Oh god, I just gave birth, Minerva – our daughter – is here, I made it, we made it’ and then after a few steps, same fainting happened and was brought back instantly again with their ‘magic’ lol – and I was awaken.

 

This is significant, this is something that happens to women where there’s like a really big shock after birth, and sometimes there’s this unconscious desire to just not wanting to ‘wake up’ to the new reality of having a child, of becoming a mother, of now having to take care of a child. I do see some of that in my case considering how I had interestingly enough placed ‘the birthing process’ as some sort of an end-goal, instead of taking it as the beginning of a new phase in my life that it actually was.  Fortunately, I am alive to tell, lol, it’s not like I was dying, it felt like a rebirth certainly, a new phase of me and my life of which I still had to go through some more ‘mourning’ because, I hadn’t really placed too much attention into ‘what’s next’ after the baby is delivered… yep, that is correct and so the next phase came with the challenges that emerge when one is stuck with the heroic feeling of ‘delivering the baby’ and forgets about actually taking care of oneself mentally and physically for that which starts right after the baby is out.

 

Fortunately enough due to all the labor done, colostrum came out with ease and Minerva started sucking it up right away with all her might and strength which has characterized her from the moment she was in the womb 🙂 We had a very special moment to cut the umbilical cord, a little ceremony to release her from the placenta that had given her all the support she needed to be born alive and well, which I ended up also consuming right after giving birth  in a milkshake as well as taking it in pills throughout the quarantine to take some of those nutrients back into my body – and some other medicine that was made from it as well as the actual dried placenta, which serves as an aid to restore tissue in any kind of injuries in our bodies. Well, I share about this to be aware of all the benefits of using the placenta, instead of perhaps leaving it to the hospital where they most likely sell it on the black market to companies that make some ‘stem cell’ health or beauty products. Own your placenta, women! I learned to be thankful to it in realizing the essential job it has to keep my child alive in the womb.

 

Once the cord was cut – with an obsidian knife by my partner – I was just wanting to rest, and there is nothing like being able to get out of the ‘birthing room’ – as we now call the TV room hehe – take a few steps and be in bed at the comfort of your own home, not having to deal with any other ‘hassle’ of measurements or vaccines or lousy treatments for the mother or the baby, just pure skin to skin contact with myself and with her father. I ended up sleeping afterwards and my partner slept with Minerva on his chest that whole night. That is priceless when it comes to the first hours after the baby comes out of the womb, to have the warmth of her parents as a bed to sleep on, no need for separate beds or incubation.

 

The next day, I was feeling ‘really well’ like surprisingly well – all things considered in terms of all the postpartum aches and bleeding. I sure would get the usual contractions while breastfeeding and bleeding quite a bit as is normal after giving birth, but I felt well, perhaps some of the hormones still having an effect on me at that time that I kind of ‘forgot’ to eat well, I ‘forgot’ to sleep more during the day. We were just ecstatic about the whole odyssey that the birthing process had been, we were just happy to see Minerva alive and well and have her in our arms and I forgot to do those very basic self-care points even if people offered them, I didn’t quite ‘realized’ that I had to be WELL fed and rested to be there for my child, to feed her, to take care of her.

 

Minerva was born at 6:35 pm on Saturday January 18th, and I went to bed at around 11 I think. The next day I didn’t sleep throughout the day, I have had some bad nights of sleep the previous days but I didn’t seem to care, until the second night where I felt the effect of staying up several nights and I felt so weak that I was losing it, like closing my eyes and perceiving I was going to ‘leave’ type of thing, it was scary for myself and my partner who didn’t know what to do in the moment other that telling me to go to sleep while having a baby that craved to eat but still wasn’t having enough of what she was demanding at the moment, so that was a stressful time for the three of us and got to learn the lesson: I have to feed myself well enough, I have to rest well because I am now feeding my daughter and I have to take care of her and so, I have to be well for myself to be there for her as well.

 

I share this because, it may happen that someone overlooks this kind of basic things and one can prevent such ‘overdrive’ by learning from others’ experiences as well.  After that, I made sure I eat more than the usual because I am breastfeeding Minerva, also resting well even if at times it is hard for me to go back to sleep after feeding her at night, since I have ‘programmed’ myself to ‘wake up’ and be fresh like a lettuce quite easily upon opening my eyes, but that means I start my mind and brain’s engine and then it’s hard to fall asleep again, even if I’m tired, so I’m still practicing breathing at night to be able to sleep. I’ve never had any problems to sleep at night, but I definitely have a hard time going back to sleep in the middle of the night, and that’s been a bit of a challenge because, Minerva is actually really calm, she wakes up at night, eats and goes back to sleep, there’s really no hassle with that, but it’s all now on me to be able to go back to sleep in fact and perhaps it has to do with my constant ide of “having stuff to do” which is also a form of anxiety I have to work with and will share more about in time.

 

Well, up to there the birthing process odyssey. I am entirely and eternally grateful for the two midwives that assisted us – Minerva and Maria Luisa – who were some genuine pillars of support throughout the whole process with their strength, courage, bravery, wisdom and essentially coaching me throughout this journey and life changing moment – a rite of passage in fact – which was giving birth to Minerva and me becoming a mother. Omg, yes it took me some days or perhaps a week or so to actually ‘change the chip’ in my head to realize ‘I am a mother now’ lol, but I’m getting better at it 🙂

 

We are also eternally grateful to our family and friends that were in spirit with us in that moment. We decided to only have my parents present in the birthing process, so my sisters and the rest of my relatives waited some days or weeks to visit us to meet Minerva, which we appreciate in them understanding this decision, giving us time before coming to visit, which is also different from how things usually go when having a baby delivered at a hospital and everyone comes at the same time. This was also something different we did to give ourselves a space to recover and get to know Minerva as well since it is quite a new thing to enter that parenting phase right after the birth process, which I will expand on in blogs to come.

 

The current aftermath is that I recovered quite well and I’d dare to say, surprisingly fast. This is from my experience and doing some constructive comparison to my sisters for example with c sections, I was back on line so to speak with ease. I sure was drained for a week or so to catch up on some sleep and eating more than well too. But I then was fine, had no complications thankfully, so I’m grateful to my body and the organs, tissue and bones that were involved in this process, well, the whole of my body actually. I’m currently quite fine and almost the same as before the pregnancy, which is awesome and another proof of how natural processes take in perhaps most cases less time to recover from.

 

I may also add I was glad I got to do exercise and get a better physical condition during the pregnancy because! It was definitely like a marathon that I experienced and I’m not sure I would have been able to deliver this way without building some physical condition to withstand the amount of effort I had to put in this whole ordeal. However again, I’ve heard of stories of women that don’t really do any physical training and get to deliver with ease, so nothing is set in stone, as I was saying, it all depends on our bodies and getting to know ours is a primary thing to do in any case.

 

Thank you for reading if you got up to here. I wanted to share this as close to the reality as possible to perhaps assist other women to realize that labor, the birthing process can be lengthy, yes, and that there’s no reason to be alarmed and be rushed into hospital if it’s been one or two days of ongoing contractions and nothing happens… it actually takes patience and perseverance to get it done in a natural way without any artificial ‘accelerators’ like artificial oxytocin that’s given at hospitals, which make contractions feel a lot more painful and accelerates the whole process because there it is about hospital time and doctor’s time. In my case, I’m almost certain no hospital or doctor would have had the patience I needed to give labor in a natural way, I probably would have been induced at the first signs of having contractions and most likely citing al kinds of risks (not real in fact) about losing amniotic fluid, having the umbilical cord around the neck (which she had as well) or being too big to fit and probably doing an episiotomy – when in reality I was able to deliver without any tearing 🙂

 

Thus it is also relevant to realize how a lot of the “complications” that may be commonly cited by doctors “at the last minute” while being at the hospital about to deliver – a very, very vulnerable moment for the woman – might just be the usual tricks and ways to get you to agree to “speed up” the process or “just get over with the pain” so as to consent to get a C-section instead. Again, this is in cases when the woman is fit and healthy to have a natural birth and had planned or desired to have a vaginal delivery, which takes time, patience and perhaps not many have it when it comes to, say, 4 days in passive and active labor like I did.

 

Here I also want to say that it is OK if one wants to instead go to the hospital if one doesn’t feel like doing it ‘al natural’ anymore, or if something goes off in the body or if one is seriously too exhausted to make it. It is OK as well to have moments of rest and just keep at it and trust that things will be alright with proper monitoring of the situation of course – like keeping track of baby’s vital signs etc. I have learned how for some women it can go as fast as a couple of hours of labor and having an easy delivery s well, each body is unique and so different and this is then my story with most of the variables that influenced the outcome, so it is definitely not something to measure anyone’s birthing process against.

 

This is a tale to perhaps encourage women considering natural births or perhaps prevent having to be ‘rushed to get a C-section’ for those that do want to have a natural birth or just have unnecessary procedures done onto themselves. Know that there are ways, even with the umbilical cord on the neck or any other seemingly inevitable obstacle. So, consider questioning your practitioner or midwife about any possible obstacles or complications and how they handle them, so that you are on top of things and are aware of every decision made in your birthing process. It’s your body and your child’s wellbeing, so, be aware and use your ability to decide How you want to give birth wisely.

 

I can lastly say that I am humbled by the whole experience. I was able to see how much I have yet to really BE my body, which is something I want to continue focusing on developing. And at the same time, I am humbly proud of myself for this, I turned one of my ‘greatest fears’ into a successful self-empowerment story, and may I say: this is just the beginning 🙂

 

449. How to Face Consequence: Defrosting Nightmare

I’ll share a moment where I have been able to change my ‘usual reactions’ into a supportive outcome.

I own a fridge that still creates walls of ice in the freezer. For over a month, we had not eaten stuff that was in there and I kept procrastinating the process of getting to defrost because of how I knew that it would have to be entirely empty to fully defrost several centimeters of this thick crust of ice. What happens here is that this freezer is a perfect example of how we operate in our minds when we just allow the ‘layers of ice’ in this case to pile up, and we don’t do ‘clean ups’ regularly instead – say once a week for this freezer – but we let it all just ‘pack up’ until it becomes this really tough thing to handle when finally deciding to ‘do the tough job’ of getting all that ice out.

So throughout the week we cooked the stuff to be eaten and empty the freezer, then it was the time to actually get it to defrost mode. Took over one day for it to fully defrost. But halfway the process, there were moments where a huge chunk of ice could not be taken out, it was just stuck, there was accumulated water and the tray that holds it was stuck with this big chunk of ice. I understood that if I let that piece there, once the fridge comes ‘on’ again, it would only recreate the same problem, it would be frozen and would not be let loose. So, there were moments where I was having my hands frozen, having to be ‘sponging’ the water out (because of the tray being stuck) and trying to get the ice stuff out. I almost wanted to give up, thinking there is no way I’m going to get this stuff out. But, I knew that it’s just not common sensical to ‘leave it for later’ because this is a matter of ‘now or never’ – so, kept pushing, moving around the tray, doing some forceful movements until finally the big chunk of ice came loose and we were able to finally take the water tray out.

Here, ‘the usual old me’ would have gotten pissed, would have tried to blame ‘the fridge’ for being so old that it still forms ice, would have blamed ‘my partner’ for not telling me to do this earlier or for not eating stuff earlier or ‘reminding me’ of doing the defrost… but nope, I didn’t do any of these things, I entirely assumed my responsibility related to this, and so breathed through my own desperation at times of wanting to say ‘fuck it, I give up’  – I refrained myself from doing this, deliberately, and instead kept pushing, deliberately breathing, deliberately knowing that what I was facing was nothing else but ‘piled up consequence’ of all the weeks I left this to come to this outcome, now I had to ‘pull up my non existent pants’ and take care of this, or it would simply cause havoc/consequence and possibly damage the thing.

So, I’ve been working with the word ‘embracing’ in these moments, an acceptance where we come to realize what we’ve ‘compounded’ in any either ‘physical outcome’ – such as the fridge situation – or internally where we get to a point of feeling entirely stuck, piled up with tons of ‘frozen stuff’ that we think it’s absolutely hard to remove, hard to self-forgive, impossible to take out – but what it takes is diligence, is not giving up, is walking the process with its necessary time – bit by bit – to get the stuff out and not ‘lose it’ half way, because in this freezer example I knew I could only pile up more consequence if I didn’t do it, and frankly yes I am fed up with me causing this same consequence over the years (been having the same fridge for 10 years now!) So I asked myself, hmm why haven’t I actually created an effective routine of defrosting more regularly? Why have I allowed myself to just ‘let it go by’ expecting it to ‘do it on its own’ and instead have mostly always waited until it is too difficult, too thick to just ‘turn off’ the fridge for a couple of hours and instead, it becomes this 24 + hours of keeping an eye on this or else, everything in the fridge would get warm and flooded with water….

This very much became a perfect example of how we operate in our minds unfortunately, where I from now on will consider how much of a consequence is created if there’s no regular ‘self-check’ through writings, through introspection, through focusing on what I need to take care of within myself and so without, because we are experts in procrastination and leaving things ‘up to the last moment’ where the consequence is huge and becomes really tough to handle, yet at the same time, if we are already there at that ‘stage’ of consequence, really there’s no other way but ‘take the bull by the horns’ and stand up, woman-up/man-up to our creation and take it bit by bit, yet taking this process as a cautionary tale to learn from, not to do as I’ve done with this fridge where time and time again I seemingly ‘forget’ the past SAME scenarios I’ve caused because of my lack of diligence in taking care of something that just keeps ‘piling up’ as the snow in the fridge. Same goes for my mind, our minds, no need to get to these piles of emotions over time, reactions, or even worse! React and throw a tantrum while we are taking care of our consequence, because I’ve done that actually every time I have had to run this same ‘defrost operation’ in the past. And this is what I became aware of yesterday, how I usually would start picking on the ice to get it out but it’s not only a physical movement, it comes with some anger, frustration, a blame of sorts to the poor ice that forms by itself and by default as per ‘freezer function’ lol – and there I would usually be the angry monkey that gets angry at her own consequences…. Really? Do I need to rehash the same consequence every single time?No, I could now laugh at replaying for myself this same scenario, really lol – and it’s no different to how we KNOW what consequences we create with certain experience inside us, how we don’t deal with things or understand things any better with ‘emotions’ yet we still bring it up! It’s like law of stupidity really and this is nothing else but what I declare as the last time I allow this to happen within and without me.

So yesterday was the time that I deliberately said, fuck no, here I am not focusing on these seemingly ‘justifiable moments’ of desperation, anger and just wanting to give up and instead keep moving, keep breathing, not blaming anything but entirely embracing the situation as My Creation.

Lol it was even funny how I knew that ‘it would eventually come off’ this large chunk of ice, and I knew that the more I ‘fought it’ the worse it would be, and yes…. That’s how it went. I left it for a moment, to warm up my hands and then gave it a second try, some more brusque movements and it came off. I just had to ‘cool down’ in my intent (figuratively, because I was actually very cold in that moment lol) and then give it a second go.

Well, the whole process yes took some 24 hours but at last now the fridge is free from thick layers of ice and I was able to change a very long pattern of me usually ending up angry and frustrated after this ‘clean up the compound freezer mess’ project that emerges periodically, because I haven’t yet made a clear decision to schedule a regular defrost of it and so prevent consequence.

So, lesson learned and the words to live by: consistency and diligence in both taking care of the consequence as one goes through the ‘piles’ that we’ve accumulated, while at the same time realizing that I can prevent these consequences by regular ‘defrost’ that is shorter in time and of course much simpler to take care of.  Patience with myself when finally deciding to ‘deal with the consequence’ and taking care of the situation, to not go into ‘hissy fits’ when seeing my own creation at the door of my fridge lol. Perseverance: not giving up on the project and believing that it’s ok to leave things ‘half way done’ – nope, keep breathing, keep ‘pushing’ until it is done. Embracing and acceptance of what I have created, Understanding how I came to procrastinate a clean up and so voilá! Here I create my own master piece of ice to deal with.

The next point will be to effectively remember to defrost it, and not use the stuff inside as an excuse to not do so, because practically speaking, it would not make much of a difference to have 3 hours of no ‘freezing mode’ for the food inside, as opposed to having to eat everything and leaving the whole thing to defrost for 24 hours… This is where Prevention as a living word comes: doing  the defrost regularly, and prevent the fuckup.

I commit myself to do the same with my mind, as points emerge, to not even allow them to ‘pile up’ but In the Moment, change, decide to breathe, decide to Prevent consequence – and if it is ‘too late’ and I’ve created consequence, to stand up to my creation, to deal with it in a directive manner which means, not throwing fits, not ‘thinking what I should have and should have not done’ or attempting to throw blames at the thing or others…. But entirely embrace the situation as my creation and deal with it the best and most effective way.

This might be a seemingly ‘uninteresting’ point but, it actually reflects a lot as to how I can be very diligent in many things, but there are ‘simple things’ that I have left just ‘slip out of my awareness’ and cause this mess every month or two months – or more, it has happened! – so, for once and for all to integrate all of these points within myself, to learn also from a better way to deal with consequence, but even better: to learn how to prevent it, within and without of myself.

Regular defrosting sessions with myself mean: writing, speaking self forgiveness in the moment as I know and experience that I am diving into a reaction, and do regular writings from my day to day to see what have I changed, what can I learn from the day, where did I see I was challenged in my stability and so establishing ways to continue assisting myself to improve, to stand up to things in a more apt manner.

Emotions, just like the stuck piles of frozen eyes in my freezer, are nothing else but these seemingly unnoticeable consequences that we create day by day, moment by moment in our lives and if we don’t do regular ‘defrosts’, man, it piles up to the point of ‘exploding’ – or in my freezer case, become icebergs – around a point and then sometimes we believe it’s too hard or difficult to face our creation, our experience, our consequences… but, it really is nothing else but our creation, so we need to stand up to it and be HERE in every moment, which means deciding to apply that moment to moment change, it is a decision, a deliberate decision that won’t emerge naturally from within ourselves. This is what I see change means to me, and nothing/no one else can do this for me, I owe it to myself. It’s a decision to live words instead of rehashing the same old ‘throwing a tantrum me’

Thanks for reading.

 

 

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2012 Sculpting in Time: Patience

 

Redefining self-creation within using the term ‘sculpting’ is suitable here within the understanding that we cannot in fact ‘create’ something anew, as everything is already here – we can stand one and equal to what is already Here as ourselves, and form/ shape/ mold ourselves within a self-directive process within the realization and recognition of who I am as one and equal as this totality and reality that is Here.

 

I can use the word manipulation wherein I re-define it as the ability to practically and physically stand one and equal as myself, my physical body to practically align myself within the consideration that, to create/ mold/ shape a world that’s in fact best for all, I must first consider aligning and correcting my own starting point within my existence here. Manos = hands in Spanish so that makes sense to consider the physical-process ‘at hand’ in a tangible way wherein we ‘intervene’ ourselves as the pattern/ shape that we have become. This implies the process that we walk wherein our mind is a direct reflection of the essence of who we are as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become in separation of life.

 

What is Life? I have only lived according to that limited reflection of self as a mind that works according to preordained patterns and habits, fears and limitations that have kept me bound to a particular mind-frame, that I created for myself. Thus, self-creation, self-sculpting to stand one and equal as who I really am implies taking definitive steps to correct myself to become the actual and full expression of life. This is thus a point wherein self as creator cannot take a ‘self-mastery’ position until self has actually walked and realized in totality what I created as myself, why and how I allowed myself to live in a limited scope dictated by my own choice to live only as a mind that thinks itself, living in a custom-made pursuit of happiness which, doesn’t matter how much I denied it or created it in opposition of the ‘usual’ pursuit of happiness, became the driving force of my life, neglecting the fact that I don’t have anything to ‘win’ or ‘attain’ or ‘achieve’ here other than self-equalization wherein all value-schemes are finally dissolved to remain as the physical reality that has always been Here, that doesn’t require me to ‘think it’ to exist.

 

This is a Process – and it is walked through space and time. This is me equalizing myself as the physical reality that I realize I exist as in space and time. Within this , I see and realize that I have existed as a perpetual pattern of rushing, of self-righteous positioning within the context of wanting to and desiring to always be in control of myself, to be ahead of my own standards which manifests as a rushing within my being, my thoughts, my actions, my very walking in this world.

 

I could call this an anxiety to ‘get somewhere’ – but even when realizing that there is nothing to attain, but only to Self-Realize as Self one and equal here, I continue perceiving a rush existing as an ingrained aspect of myself, physically and mentally lived within every action, every impulse, every moment that I miss breathing myself here, and allow myself to give into thoughts as that energetic relationship that I have created toward my own personality. I defended it because of seeing it as a ‘positive attitude’ defined within the context of this world system as ‘efficiency’ and ‘accuracy,’ which I will walk within this process of me allowing myself to establish the necessary practical and physical platform to establish patience as the consideration of the physical space and time within this process of self realization.

 

Patience sounds like ‘pace’ – I have defined physical pace as the point of self-direction in every moment that I allow myself to breathe, here, stable, constant and consistently wherein space and time is considered, wherein I am no longer existing as the rush of the mind, trying to perpetuate an idea of having to ‘do everything as fast as possible’ and recharging the self-belief and self-definition of competing against time, against myself, against others within the perception that I must always be on the top of the spear.

 

Patience is then allowing myself to equalize myself as the physical, as breath wherein I stop any rush of the mind to ‘get things done’ in separation of the moment that I am here, practically and physically doing it, directing myself within it/ as it- instead of projecting/ ejecting myself as a lightning bolt into the future wherein I ‘win’ and I then add it to the self-kept score of lifetime achievements.

 

Who I am is not an accumulation of points that can make me ‘more’ that what I am here. I am the accumulation of the thoughts, words and deeds that I correct, self forgive and direct within establishing a certain outcome that is best for all. I allow myself to walk in the moment, as there is nowhere to ‘get to’ or nothing to ‘attain’/ gain here – it is the reintegration of myself as the physical moment and stopping the energetic rush that comes as a spear ahead of me, charged with anxiety and a self-created chasing-after survival mode as my own mind, doing everything ‘the quickest possible way’ which is how I would tend to take short cuts and eventually having to go back and walk the ‘long run’ so to speak.

 

Hence the process here is to get ourselves back to ourselves to stand one and equal with no dimensional shifts of delusions like ‘having to be there’ and ‘attaining’ something, but walking self-equality and oneness within the ability to stand one and equal as the points that I see are supportive for me to accept and live within the consideration of self-creation in every moment that I live Patience as physically breathing and walking every moment here, remaining within the consideration of space and time reality to live the process of self-correction in every moment as breath, as the physical – instead of projecting it as an idea in my own mind that ‘must be done’ but simply live it.

 

How to walk this? Through practically writing out myself and Self-Forgiving the relationship I built with the idea of ‘who I must be,’ which cannot be sustained and doesn’t have-to either, as it was never built within the consideration of what’s best for all, but wrought within the desire to always be ‘on top’ and ‘winning’ and remaining as a ‘special person’ according to my own value-schemes, reinforced and self-induced by my own thoughts and judgments toward myself, others and this reality.

 

So I take these points and walk the correction to stop participating in these energetic movements of the mind, and direct myself within the understanding that this process, which is self-equalization as life here, is and will be walked within space and time. A literal slowing down to consider space and time is then the practical application to stop the automated impulse that comes up – sometimes without even ‘words’ per se – as a physically integrated aspect of myself as a energetic movement of the mind, which is what we can call personality/ ego.

 

“…whether passive or active the point is to assert ones ego as superior as winner in the end. Each has the same end goal – Domination.” Andrew Gable

 

And it is true – even if I have criticized/ judged people that have run a competition against themselves, I have done the exact same thing without wanting to allow it because of ego. And this competition was built upon my own ‘ideal’ of who I am and what I have to portray myself as at all times to remain within the same idea/ personality I built for myself in the first place. In the end it became this ‘eternal cycle’ of battling against myself – it’s always about ourselves. I mean, part of the jaw-dropping points I’ve learned in the past weeks through the what is sex interviews is that all relationships have always been toward our own mind and within understanding all the details that come with it, I realized how we have all been living as mirrors of each other, yet always missed then the point of ‘taking it back to self.’

This is how when encountering people in our reality with similar traits, quirks and personality, we develop a relationship toward ‘them’ in our own mind which is only ourselves using another as a trigger point/ cause and excuse to reinforce our self-accepted patterns and habits as our personality wherein we believe that whatever we experience is about ‘them,’ never realizing it’s always been about ourselves living in a mirror-mirror reality that we are now aware of, must stop with and within ourselves here.

Till this day, I can see that it is an actual ‘abnormal human effort’ to develop such practical common sense within us. It really does – and it is a process walked in space-time as part of the ‘gist’ of it is walking through space and time within the consideration of every thread that we accepted and allowed to separate ourselves from.

At times, I have to take a moment to just breathe and let go, because of realizing to what extent we have separated ourselves from the simplicity that we actually are, here, physically and how we could have stopped all this avalanche of consequence if we had all heard to that inner self-honest voice of doing what’s best for all, considering each other as equals wherein no winners or losers can exist.

However what’s done is done, and it’s here for us to walk, assisting and supporting ourselves to ensure that all separation begins and ends within each one of us here.

This will continue.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate myself and using myself and what I exist as to suit a self-interest based personality of wanting to always be accomplishing, winning, being and remaining on top, which is how I realize I have used my mind in order to orchestrate and lay out strategies wherein I could be always in a ‘safe spot’ within the self-definition of being ‘unique’ and ‘special’ –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself, my physical body and my mind in order to continue fueling an idea of ‘having to become something more’ which lead me to continually chase-after anything that could allow me to continue residing within the ‘safe spot’ of being on top, ahead of others and of myself as a dimensional separation from the physical reality that is here.

I realize that I created a delusional reality of having to ‘upkeep’ the idea of myself, without ever realizing that any personality-feed that I created for myself, was in fact only existent in my own mind, externalized as ‘who I am’ to the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant pattern of rushing within the self-righteous idea of wanting and desiring to be ‘ahead’ of myself and others, within existing as a constant projection of ‘having everything done quickly’ which has manifested as my physical self-experience wherein rushing at a mind level ensues a level of anxiety wherein there is a perceived idea of ‘getting something done’ in separation of myself

I realize that I am able and capable of moving myself at the physical pace, slowing down from my current application wherein breath becomes the pace to establish patience within the process of self correction that is here, as myself, when I realize that I am able to live the words that I place as a platform and blueprint of self-sculpting/ self-creation through space and time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define efficiency and accuracy as fast-speeding and hurrying/ rushing to get things done throughout my life. This is how I allowed myself to live only at a mind-level of pursuing to ‘accomplish tasks’ to continue adding points to my personal-score.

I realize that all mind-projections and energetic-ejections of rushing and hasting was only to upkeep this idea of myself that I see has been one of the prominent dimensional shifts from the physical reality that is here, as every breath, that must be walked in self-awareness in every moment to ensure that I stop following any lightning bolt thought of wanting to do things ‘as fast as possible’ which only leads me to miss out the actual process of self-realization As the moment that is here as breath.

I see and realize that life is not about ‘becoming something/ someone’ or ‘achieving’ anything – or keeping up a certain idea of ‘who I am,’ it is about actual living and understanding of self-creation as the decision and direction of how I can practically walk myself at a physical level, within the consideration of what is best for all. Within this point of self-honesty I realize that no more, no less, no behind and no ahead can exist, as all dimensions of past, present and future exist here, as myself, as the physical moment of breathing.

Walking at the physical pace is nor slow or fast, it is the pace that is walked as the consideration of space and time, as the reality that we are and create in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss breathing myself here every time that I access the self-created pattern of ‘having to rush’ whenever I have to accomplish a particular task, and defending it as a ‘positive trait’ within me as ‘efficiency’ and ‘accuracy’

I realize that I adopted this patterns within the belief that I could then become like the ‘ideal’ that I perceived others in my reality to be-like, never realizing that I copied the ‘most effective’ survival mechanism in order to prevail as the ‘constantly winning’ personality that I fed as myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having considered being ‘fast’ and ‘accurate’ as a positive trait within myself, because of how I would get rewarded and awarded for doing things as ‘fast as I could’ – thus building this idea that there is always something to ‘achieve’, some ‘score to brake’ within myself, not realizing that all that I fed was the idea, belief and perception I created of myself as ‘the ever-conquering winner’ toward others.

And it’s fascinating because I see and realize that this became ‘so much who I am’ that I continued existing as this, which is a surreptitious and prevailing superiority toward others.

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the underlying self-belief of superiority toward others in my world within the belief that such ‘superiority’ is ‘who I am’ and that I am now ‘diminishing myself’ by having to walk at a ‘slower pace’ – which is only a perceptual consideration and mechanism of my own mind to defend the regular desire to intake as much ‘rush’ as possible to ‘upkeep’ the idea of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always see this trait of being ‘fast’ and ‘accurate’ within a positive scope, which veiled it from me walking it through self-forgiveness in fear of actually losing that idea of myself, which became a pillar to the entire personality based on superiority and inferiority of and as my own mind toward myself and others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recharge the self-belief and self-definition of having to be constantly ‘competing against time’ without realizing that I was only competing against myself and in doing that, keeping myself busy as the mind, directing me only from that energetic drive and impulse within the starting point of rushing, instead of realizing that whatever I do, say and think must be a self-directed action in every moment that I am living and existing at the physical pace wherein I become the directive principle of my words, thoughts and actions, in self-awareness of each moment being the moment of self-correction to live patience as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ‘must’ always remain ‘at the top of the spear’ wherein there is an energetic input in order to make the spear move, as that energetic drive within ‘rushing’ that I see and realize is an energetic charge that I am able to stop in every moment of breath wherein I allow myself to take the necessary time and space to walk the point breath-by-breath, moment-by-moment.

I realize that self-creation is not a matter of producing ‘products’ that I can get a certain ‘reward’ from – it is about self-understanding who I am, what I have become and walking the actual corrections in space and time, which can only then be seen and proven as I walk within space and time, wherein what I have in every moment is the ability to direct and correct myself to make sure the starting point of everything I do, say, think is based in the moment, and not acting out of an accumulation of backchat as self-talk to continue existing as the personality and ego of the mind within ‘rushing’ and competing against time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having used time as my ‘enemy’ and my excuse and an ally when it came to being a constant factor within the self-definition as ‘rushing’ within my life experience.

I realize that I have been the only obstacle and ‘fuel’ to drive myself as this constant rushing-experience within me. I also realize that I have claimed to ‘not have enough time’ without realizing that within rushing I am in fact missing the moment that is here wherein no time is required to be considered, but only self-movement breath-by-breath and moment-by-moment wherein the accumulation of such moments as breath directed toward a specific outcome, will inevitably lead to the certainty of that outcome as I have then placed myself in full-awareness within this self-directed process of self-creation – it is no longer a mind-creation and ‘idea’ of myself getting somewhere/ becoming something. It is myself here walking As that self-realization in space and time, as breath, as the moment, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having sought to take ‘short cuts’ to ‘get it all done as fast as possible’ which means that I am in fact not living self-correction as the moment, but creating an idea of getting myself ‘somewhere else,’ instead of realizing that short-cutting myself is only a mind-loop that will inevitably have to be walked within space and time as that’s the only point of self-creation that exist in this physical reality.

I realize that I have lived as the ‘quantum version’ of myself, as that idea of myself ‘getting somewhere’ and ‘becoming something’ within no-time, which is neglecting the very physical and actual reality that is here. Thus I realize that the only way to establish self equality and oneness is living here as the physical pace of breath, as the moment wherein I assess what is required to be done and live it As the moment – not to ‘get it done’ but live it as myself moment by moment until it is actually done in space-and-time as the physical reality that I then live as ‘who I am’ not as an idea that I have created of ‘who I am.’

That’s how ‘self-definition’ dissolves when the integration through space and time is no longer an energetic addiction or subtraction of points within an ego/ personality construction, but a self-equalization that is lived as ‘who I am’ as the physical reality – it is no longer bound or defined as a mind-reality, but lived as self in every moment wherein there are no longer any ‘scores’ to keep.

I realize that self-equality and oneness is a physical integration of myself out of the mind and into the physical through living the words that I have laid out here for me to consider in every moment that I am here, wherein when and as I see myself wanting to ‘rush’ and ‘speed up’ my pace and general activities within my reality, I stop and I breathe. I realize that walking patience as myself is the consideration of me walking within space and time as the actual integration of self-correction lived breath-by-breath and moment-by-moment wherein there is ‘nowhere to get to’ other than Here, grounding myself as the physical body that is self-directive within every thought and every breath. This is the space-time process to walk as self, here.

 

“Just slow down and breathe before you write and look at your words through the eyes of life and through the eyes of others and LIVE them to life, regardless – and with that you will lift yourself to life. It is in the service as the written word that we design ourselves as life. You are ready to grasp this. Breathe and accept it.” Bernard Poolman

 

“Moment M-o-(me)nt – Moment is the manifestation/physical living of Me (M) and how I decide/direct as live (nt) this Me practically in this world/reality, as a constant/consistent expression/standing/living (o) of ‘who I am’ (me), with me, the manifestation of me (the physical) and the living of me being an infactness that stand eternal because this Me is ALL, in/as equality and oneness and thus the Moment is Me, HERE– is the hereness of me as I am Moment, which is the very physical lived expression of equality and oneness always. Moment is HERE. Moment is always HERE as I am always Here – and therefore, self-realisation, the opportunity of rebirth to self-awareness is always HERE, open, waiting – in every moment of breath…” Sunette Spies

 

I occupy the space that I breathe in

 

Interview that allowed me to realize this:

Reptilians – The Quantum Time Illusion – Part 11

The Breaking Point: how to live it & walk it.

There is a moment wherein we are faced with one decision: you take the blue pill and pretend you never heard of anything that could ever disturb your perfect little bubble OR you take the red pill and  you are virtually in for a self-directive ride wherein the only possible outcome is getting to actually LIVE for the very first time in all your lives this far.

 

The breaking point, the decision to live is made by choosing the red pill = choosing Life which first comes through doses that we take every time that we watch the Desteni material, every time that we read an article, every time that we watch and read fellow Destonians’ vlogs & blogs daring to expose the mind that’s equally existent in all of us – yes! that same mind that we had all kept away from the view of anyone and everyone, wanting only ‘us’ to be creating our magnificent little bubbles of existence apart from anyone’s awareness… lol at Desteni this is simply not possible anymore.

 

As we go walking this decision, participating in the forum becomes the most refreshing experience as we go by sharing ourselves, letting all our mind-programming out through writings which will also support fellow human beings at the perfect place to share, get perspectives from others and within that, correcting our view of ourselves and the world aligning them in common sense to realize where is it that Self Honesty exists in any given situation that we may face as human beings on this Earth – fascinating, such place hadn’t ever existed until now as the Desteni Forums.

 

Within walking this process it becomes inevitable to stop who we’ve been and become to finally start changing and standing up as who we really are, a new human being that is no longer bound to fears, judgments, prejudices or to any type of adjective that may tamper our actual expression that supports ourselves as LIFE – this new human being then begins a process of Self Realization which is not anything ‘magnificent’ as some would like to think it is or experience, yet it is magnificent from the perspective of giving ourselves a second chance to start all over again, to begin from an unknown scratch to create ourselves as these new human beings that are willing themselves to support themselves, to be living examples of how it is that the world would be a better place amongst human beings that worth themselves as life.

 

Yet this is not all nice and rosy, nope – this new stance will then clash and create frictions around the rest of our world wherein everything remains ‘the same’ = that’s the breaking point, wherein we have to make a decision to no longer being bound to the same old same old which is ‘safe’ even if we are certainly limiting or abusing ourselves within fears, prejudices and all other types of limitations that we’ve lived within those boundaries because ‘that’s all we’ve ever known’.

We had never considered that we could actually become someone different. This is then the moment where we stand for ourselves for the very first time even though the mind may scream ‘Nooo!’ and wants to ‘give up’ from facing ourselves and creates all types of justifications of why ‘the old’ is better than the actual fresh new start which is self directed and unexplored.

 

We fear the future that we haven’t created yet what we haven’t realized is that such future is being created by the same mind that is obviously wanting to remain ‘as is’ with no challenge or disturbance into its intricate perfected flawed-idea of ourselves that we’ve lived as ‘who we are’ this far.  Lol.

 

Ludicrous that we’ve actually allowed this ourselves – breathe

 

I can hardly relate to the person I’d saw in old pictures, yet it’s still me, I’m still facing myself and my past and the more I walk the more I shed and peel off the layers of that person that I once was – lol it’s quite cool to have a self-reference of ‘who we were’ through our writings, through pictures or even interactions with ‘old friends’ or family or whoever as the image that they had of us is certainly not the same as what we are now – and this is not only bound to hair and no hair, even though it is most certainly a cool an self-empowering action on a daily basis : D.

 

So to recap: the breaking point is that moment wherein we decide to finally let go of the idea/belief that we had cherished for so long as ‘who we are’, our ‘precious’ personality and ego that encompasses our fantabulous little bubble wherein we have created ourselves to be our wondrous ideal shaped and formed accordingly as a personality/ego that seeks constant confirmation of its existence by fellow mind consciousness systems yelling out ‘I’m Here!’, ‘recognize me!’, ‘acknowledge me!’, ‘I want your attention!’ – all ego based.

 

One of the points that certainly becomes a bit ‘tough’ is going through relationships as friends, family, partners and walking these changes as ourselves – some might remain – though in my case almost everyone was gone except for the family, yet what I want to share is that even though it seemed ‘hard’ at the beginning like letting go of my “friends” and my “life” I wouldn’t have changed this process at all, even the seemingly ‘tough moments’ are able to be transcended through constant application – man! It takes time yes so patience, consistency and diligence in one’s application is key here –

 

I’ll make the analogy of the shaved hair and my process: at first it took me quite some time to take the decision of ‘I’ll do it’ because it’s not one of those decisions that will give you ‘something in exchange’ or a ‘reward’ – it’s one of those self-willed actions that you take for you-yourself for the very first time as self support – yes awkward virtually very few will ‘get it’ on why you do it, irrelevant if they don’t though lol –

 

So, once the decision is made, you go through the actual process of ‘shaving your head’ which can be equated to that moment wherein you decide to support yourself, that first time you saw yourself applying Self Forgiveness, that first time that you Write Yourself to Freedom – such a cool and innocent moment wherein we are actually supporting ourselves for the very first time – same with the hair point as a symbol for Standing up for Life in Equality.

 

Then comes the actual facing of ourselves in the mirror – oh man! the shock, the initial discomfort, judgment, even hatred of what we’re looking as ‘ourselves’ – same goes when we start writing and revealing ourselves as what we’ve become – from there you know ‘there’s no going back’ I mean, once I decided to shave my head it was definitive as in ‘I will do it for life till I die or till Equality is in place in this world’ – such a stance is how I placed myself and directed myself within my process – walking through the breaking points no matter what, breath by breath- here integrating myself as the physical.

 

What’s awesome about walking as a group here is that: you’re not alone while walking through the breaking point – you got people reading, watching and supporting you in realizing how that is actually the way to ‘break free’ from our limitations as they have walked the same or similar points within their own reality – and even if at the beginning we want to sit and cry and give up, we walk through that point, we go through the process of actually accepting and embracing ourselves which is quite a point –  it took me quite a while to actually accept myself as a human being that’s not less than or more than but equal – that’s it –

 

Shedding self definitions is the most empowering thing and understand power is in each breath that we take as the ability to simply be HERE – not ‘thinking’ of ‘process’ but actually living it as ourselves.

 

That’s the actual simplicity of it and it’s been fascinating yet, I say: don’t worry if these words don’t seem to make full sense, each one gets to this point eventually wherein – taking the shaved-head analogy again – you simply stop judging yourself every time you look at yourself in the mirror and start embracing yourself as the physical human being that we are – that’s the point wherein we no  longer get our backchat as a constant self-sabotaging experience and instead we face, we expose ourselves and eventually stand with a shaved head, a clear mind and a constant stance that becomes who you are in all ways and all aspects of yourself – real characters of life –

 

This is in fact possible, we’re living it and I encourage everyone to realize that giving up is of the mind, there is no such thing as giving up life and all that we require to do is be patient with ourselves, be constant and not fearing ‘losing’ the idea of what we’ve become because it’s just that! an idea, a bubble in the head, baggage containing pictures, words, sounds, people, smells that we’ve defined as ‘ourselves’ – each definition we impose on ourselves is one single point of limitation to who we are as unconditional expression – yet it’s cool to see who we are as such definitions and go exposing it and walking them as that’s what’s cool of this process.

 

See, only the ego can be hurt and create such a heaviness about it – man! Life does not really ‘feel’ hurt or cannot ‘fear losing itself’-  lol that’s all mind survival and as such, we continue walking and breathing and facing ourselves going past the illusions and delusions that we’ve accepted as ‘who we are’.

 

This process is the most liberating experience a human being has ever experienced on Earth and we have the ability to walk it and live it fully here and within that, being supporting others to breakthrough as well, it is quite amazing as we go expanding ourselves in Equality – the ego goes diminishing every time as we walk by, letting go of our world, bursting our bubble is actually stepping out of our jail that was only mental and never physical.

 

Once you dare to step into the seemingly ‘unknown’, you start realizing that it is the realization of who we are in simplicity as walking, breathing, shitting human beings that relate to others and have a life-time in this world – yes we know this is not currently the best way to live and that the system requires a complete reform, for that we propose the Equal Money System and we realize how it is actually important to care for this world as a whole, as ourselves because it is only then that we start seeing the greater picture and stop focusing on feeding our ‘petty little lives’ with our occupations up there in the mind.

 

Dare to walk, dare to embrace yourself as Life, dare to let go of the old to welcome the new that won’t just be another rusty program but an actual self-directive, self-willed attitude that supports Life in all ways – you’ve got to actually move this to create it, it won’t come your way – this is it.

We got his one Life – Let’s Do It!

 

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W(h)inning and Losing Game in Education and Patience for Processors

Patience is one point that I am taking as myself because of having existed throughout my entire life as someone that wants to get things done right away, to go on to the ‘next thing’ as soon as possible and almost always ending up asking – what’s next?

 

The memory that comes up is from when I was quite young in school and I would be a ‘fast writer’ when were were taking group dictation and so as the teacher was dictating, I would write it out and would usually have to wait and stare at the window or stare at others to ‘make time’ so that  we would be able to continue later – this developed as ‘myself’ as always wanting to get it done as fast and accurate as possible and thus I got used to finishing my work first, to always be delivering things first wherein it was an automated-way of existing. Just get it done, deliver – next one.

 

Though! as I once have mentioned probably there was a time in 2nd grade when having ‘mental calculation’ and the teacher was dictating, in one moment I simply got lost, couldn’t keep track of the entire exercise and so the moment I saw myself ‘lost’ the only thing I did was breaking into tears because of me seeing myself as unable to catch up

 

I forgive myself for experiencing any self judgment towards myself for remembering myself in that moment.

 

Quite fascinating because I had already written about this moment but not within the context of seeing ‘who I am’ within a similar situation now – which is simply moments where we feel we ‘can’t keep up’ or there’s ‘too much going on’ or when it’s an entire new paradigm of thinking and existing which is basically let’s say getting to Desteni and going into a complete shock of existence – and then within that having to challenge ourselves to keep up with that stream of new information, of material released, of writings, reading, watching, sharing, reflecting upon the points – all of that requires ourselves to slow down and not ‘break into tears’ so to speak the moment that we see ourselves desiring to ‘get it done’ and simply seeing it as tasks to accomplish or something like that, just like in the ‘school mode’ because then we see how it would be just another task-reward system game that’s mostly existent and ingrained within the context of school system for example – then later on it’s the basis of all jobs: you do, you are paid for and thus everyone gets to learn the ways of surviving: if you don’t do = you don’t get money = you don’t survive – so it’s fear of death, fear of losing, fear of not ‘getting it’ what drives a person moving in this world –

 

What the fuck eh? Being existing in constant fear of death is what might be behind all of what we do and a serious point to consider is if even deciding to place ourselves in this process is driven by a point of Fear of Death – lol – which is something that I constantly ‘check’ with myself in terms of asking me at random moments: can I die I this moment and that’s it? and the answer is in that moment yes I mean what else could I do – but obviously we know the point is not to create that as myself but to amalgamate myself as life so, lol it’s a cool way to test out ‘where am I’ with regards to fearing death and this is something I placed directly linked to ‘fear of losing good memories’ so

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only ‘fear death’ because that would imply having to give up all ‘good memories’ of my childhood, of my past as everything ‘I was’ which is indicating me that I still place value/specialness to ‘who I was in the past’ without realizing that all of that is non existent HERE but only as myself as the accumulation of everything I’ve done, everything I haven’t done and thus I let go of such memories to simply focus on myself HERE as what is walking and breathing as myself here.

 

Okay so, after seeing how kids are then trained within the survival ways within the system to then always push themselves otherwise having to face a ‘bad grade, being kicked out of school, being rejected by peers as one point that could be equated to ‘fear of death’ within the system which then obviously if not supported specifically in time, these small points and experiences can develop onto other type of mental situations that are nothing else but the accumulation of experiences within a particular point as ourselves that we go trying to suppress and not ‘face’ yet are existent within us which will eventually have to be faced and! that’s when the entire shit comes out – and it is ludicrous to see how within the current Education System there is no actual SELF SUPPORT given to people – like there are no actual subjects that give tools of self support for kids to realize the trickery of the mind obviously or how to correct themselves within a more emotional/feeling perspective – sure there are psychologists in school but obviously not in every school, certainly not in public schools which as always, the places and institutions with more deficient personnel and resources are the ones that require the most due to the entire set-up of such low-class or low-middle-class schools are then doomed to ‘educate’ people in a very precarious  way which then within the ‘pyramid’ of the current system already places them at the bottom of the entire thing because of being determined/conditioned by default by the amount of resources they’ve had their entire life which conditions their entire education process, determines the relationships they create, the partner they choose and thus the job they will have and the family that they will then re-create as the same system and environment they’ve grown and lived in-  very very few nowadays have an actual opportunity to step out of that conditioning and ‘make it’ within the system – 

 

There ARE hardworking people seeking for opportunities to excel in this world, but the world doesn’t have such opportunities as available for everyone – how fucked up is that and thus we see how the entire system is doomed by default wherein it cannot exist without having a broad amount of people as resources to keep the top of the food-chain-or pyramid – in place – it’s an abusive system in its intrinsic nature and structure and, to think ‘there is no other way’ is what drives people crazy in fact, because it forces everyone to think that ‘there’s no other way’ and ‘we can’t do anything about it’ when in fact we can obviously – but here we go full circle – we require work, we require actual will to change ourselves and patience – because even if we are walking with ourselves only, we still have to face the entirety of what we’ve become as the accumulation of everything we’ve ever been and done and time-looped around in all our lives which is here as ourselves as this entire world as the accumulation and result of all points – thus the ‘intensity’, the ‘overwhelming experience’ that can exist when realizing or seeing the ‘bigger picture’ of the entire enslavement/conditioning points that we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as, never really doing anything to change – only probably questioning and trying to challenge it not from its foundation but from a mere superficial-perspective as only criticism and debate with no actual solutions as the solution – as we know – comes from a change in the entire way life is lived, the entire way life is Valued which if we see polarity is the game, we change the rules into Equality and with that end all games possible as no one will be supporting then a system of winners and losers – lol so typically ingrained for example in American culture – but an actual society/humanity that values everyone as equals as Life as Themselves.

 

That brings the word ‘bullying’ which has been a prominent problem for so long an intensifying as the nature of man reveals itself in the youngest ones in a more radical way, we see that if basic understanding of Equality as Everyone and Everything as Life, we would be seeing a significant change with kids and how they’d treat others because what I see is how that type of considerations is seen – within males specifically – as something too ‘sensitive for a boy’ and ‘too considerate’ and thus forming from that young age the ‘bully profile’ which is nothing else but the grounds of the male ego that is seeking to develop itself as ‘the winner’ as the one that ‘beats others’ as the one that is ‘superior’ and ‘best of all’ instead of living by what’s ‘best for all’ –

 

So, we can see how it’s all educational and  how schools – at least here in the third world lol –have no actual ways of teaching system integrity at all – everyone only sees at the consequences, the manifested consequences and trying to find solutions on that level without ever seeing what’s the core problem – just as with any other situation in this world wherein we see how people are trying to ‘fix the money problem’ with rescue-packages and trying to cover the sun with one finger – none of which is actually ‘the’ solution to the entire problem as we know, but it’s time to open up our eyes and investigate, educate and apply ourselves to become that actual living change as human beings that are no longer robotized to work and live in the ways that only benefit the stability of an abusive system –and that beings with self, that begins at home, that takes dedication, that takes constant dedication and! the point that triggered all of this Patience – to be patient with ourselves when dealing with the entirety of the points that we are facing and we’ll be facing as we go discovering ourselves, as ‘the truth’ of what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become starts popping up everywhere and this is to not give-up, to not give-in into any mind created turmoil and allow ourselves to have a single thought of ‘oh man! I can’t do this anymore’ or ‘oh! this is just so much’! because that ‘hard’ point is simply a mind-created experience due to it simply not being preprogramed to be able to grasp and/or integrate these type of Self Corrections as it’s like wanting Microsoft to work in the code of Linux so to speak, and creating a transition from one to another would obviously take time and dedication and a constant application to not get ourselves lost in the way.

 

So hereby I suggest we support ourselves to stop ourselves when having any of these thoughts and simply realize that this has to be done, that we have to direct ourselves, that we are here to get this done not from the perspective of another task, another ‘quest’ or another something to obtain or accomplish, but as an ultimate action of self-liberation from all restrictions we’ve ever existed as – and thus we realize that this reality is bound to space and TIME – so we breathe through this time to walk step by step, developing patience to deal with ourselves, with the things that must be done, to push ourselves to transcend perceived ‘inabilities’ to do something like saying ‘I’m not good at’ or ‘I’ve never liked this/that’ – or ‘I can’t do…’ but instead break through that mind-veil and see what we are actually capable of

 

We are here to realize ourselves as the full capacity of what we exist as – please take an hour of your time today to listen to this interview if you haven’t – it’s once again one of these encompassing key points within this process and it is of great support to realize the full context/bigger picture view of what’s going on here in existence:

Radical Relationships & The God System

 

Thanks for reading

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