418. Deschooling Ourselves: Why and How to Do it?

 

After watching Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves workshop video, I realized how important it is to be aware of how much of ‘who we become’ as a person in our society and in relation to others is shaped in and by the schooling system. To this, it would also be unfair to only look at school as the only one problem there is in our society, because schools were created by us human beings in the first place so there’s a human mind behind it all; albeit for all practical purposes, the idea of ‘education’ and the blind trust that parents confer to the schooling system makes of the schooling system set up the most easy way to actually justify integrating values, beliefs, behaviors, ways of thinking reality, ways of relating to others, ways of survival among one another where we are geared to continually having to prove ourselves to be ‘the best’ or ‘the worst’ in a system of standardized marks.

School is also the place where we come to first get in contact with people of different backgrounds, where our initial social clash begins which leads us to start inherently doing a process of preference over principle, which is how we come to build our very first friendships and relationships, where we as children do not  have a full awareness of us in fact being in a closed-system where one gets to be friends with people that could or could not afford some private/public school, and so already from there, we start classifying ourselves based on our socioeconomic background.

I have to say it is also unfortunately the place where parents place their most trust on within the systemically integrated belief that ‘whatever happens in school is just fine’ and that teachers and the government system behind it as education system ‘knows best’ – while parents mostly see this as some free time from their parental duty – or are deliberately also kept busier with long hours of work which is leading to unattended children growing up in front of TV’s, computers plugged into the myriad of boundless information on the internet and learning tricks about drugs and developing sexual deviances as a way to escape the inherent anguish of living in a world where parents must work 24/7 to get money to live, and where you as a child/youngster will invariably have to end up doing the same… I mean, who would not react to that expectative of one’s ‘future’ in this broken world? Yet we dismiss it and actually have come to blame schools, blame media, blame the government, blame parents and so as you can see blaming each other for the problems we have co-created in our society of which school is one great and pivotal pillar of.

 

 

There’s a complete structural problem in our society and a large part of it has to do with how we haven’t questioned our sacred institutions like schools and the way they exist nowadays, which from my perspective are more like prisons or reformatory cells, they have always been the brewing ground for behavioral conditioning, human experimentation and indoctrination which goes unnoticed within the idea that there’s always an authority that somehow has a ‘greater understanding,’ because we place our trust on systems of validation, certification and quality-proof standards placed by some organization we’ve defined as government, which are a few individuals that have unfortunately proven to be easily bribed to rather arrange laws and regulations in a way where other individuals can be benefitted from it all – either for profit, for further population control or both. All of this apparatus of authority is currently quite skewed of course and it is rather alarming since school is the spot where kids are mandated to go to every single day – yet, even if kids do not go to a school per se, the same principles of it are still embedded in the way that we organize ourselves, in the way that we related with one another, in the way that we value ourselves, in the way that we choose what we want to do with our lives, in the way that we behave with our families and friends. The sheer idea of ‘education’ as it exists now is only a reinforce and catalyzer of essential mind and behavioral patterns that have existed within us as human beings since the beginning of our species, as they are all existent in the very core programming and functioning of our minds. So, what have we done then? We have only perfected the mechanism to make it a continuous mandatory process for kids to get to like/dislike certain things and make decisions based on, well, mostly fear of survival so that we can keep the same slave system mechanism running. But is it really the system that is the enslaving one? Or is it that we haven’t really realized where the real policeman ‘in the head’ resides in? Hint, the answer is already given in that question.

 

In Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves, a group of people walk through and expose all the behaviors, personalities, quirks and fears that they have become throughout their schooling years, wherein either one would stick to the rules and follow or dissent and rebel in whichever way possible, one would start valuing oneself according to the kind of work you deliver to the teacher, another would seek to prove the teacher wrong, another would seek be approved by them, another just wanted to break free and rebel against all rules… this also included some other more personal aspects like  because in school we also have mostly faced some of our most embarrassing or stressing moments.

I’ve shared before about crying over getting lost during math calculation exercise and not being able to keep track of it, getting so anxious that I burst into tears. From my experience, I’ve shared before about the usual pressure one would get when being ‘on the top’ and so having some classmates trying to ‘take me down/take ‘my place’ and directly letting me know how they would win over me and how they would see me fall and be glad for it, etc. All kinds of bullying also comes when being the one that sticks to all rules and does things ‘to the T,’ which to me for example later on became a way to simply dislike being used as an example for the class, which led me to then want to hide while  still wanting to keep my sense of public recognition. This influenced the way I shaped my main personalities: I started to desire being ‘cool’ for any other reason other than getting straight A’s …  and kind of a ‘rebel’ by liking non-popular things so that I could make it clear that I wasn’t ‘the teacher’s pet’ either for example.

All of these patterns are part of a lengthy self-investigative process that is contained in the pages of this blog as I’ve seen that most of the times when investigating any mind pattern, word or behavior, it invariably goes back to one of those ‘memories of schooling days’ and how some of the most ingrained fight or flight patterns, behaviors, attitudes, self-definitions like qualities and virtues, likes and dislikes as well as career choice a.k.a. who I wanted to be and become as a person, were shaped based on the same education system. To me it also involved a process of sharing a room with either 6 other kids in my first school and then moving onto being with over 35 in the following schools and universities, which is already quite a challenge when it comes to seeing how it is virtually impossible for teachers to be truly aware of students in large classes.

School becomes ‘the place’ where we are supposed to ‘find our ground in life’ and so, it’s quite obvious that we only become copies of the copies of stereotypes that we also acquire from the usual imprinting of professions we are supposed to go veering toward from an early age as part of the social-structure – however along with that, we got movies, TV shows imprinting a whole different set of values with which we believe we are in fact ‘making a free choice’ to do what we want, but we have never even questioned whether what ‘we want’ is in fact something we truly developed for ourselves or something we learned from school or saw on TV or internet.

In essence, we have never really been genuinely ‘ourselves’ as all we have become is copy of the copy of the coping and survival mechanisms we’ve shaped as personalities or professions, and that’s what I mostly have realized also when it comes to investigating myself and my ‘core personalities’ and how everything that I developed as ‘my personality’ was a collection of bits and pieces of popular counter-culture aspects along with a decision to antagonize the system no matter what, while remaining ‘safely’ in it at the same time since I would still like to be the obedient straight A person in school, lol, even if I tried to ‘rebel’ at the end… it just would not work as I couldn’t simply fathom myself being irresponsible at school which involved a sense of responsibility of ‘school being the one thing that I had to do as my main activity’ throughout the years.

What is behind that, for example? Fear of being punished, fear of being left behind, fear of losing my self-value and definition? Fear of losing my ‘throne’ as the first one in the class? Well, these points are definitely something that come to define ‘who one is’ based on a particular setting like school, where we actually acquire this way of thinking based on achievements, values, marks, behaviors and responsibilities that lie not within a common sensical practical outcome, but according to doing things the way they are asked to be done and according to a ranking system that is in no way based on the particular skills and abilities that are unique to each child, that is simply not part of our school system.

At the end of that Deschooling workshop by Eisenstein, the ultimate question remains: how to Deschool ourselves? And I simply realized that actually walking this process of self-investigation, of writing oneself to freedom, of developing self-honesty wherein we investigate our core patterns within ourselves is the best way to deschool ourselves, because in investigating our behaviors, our personalities, our fears, our manias, our weaknesses and strengths, our relationships, our friendships, our first traumas, our first embarrassments, our bullying experiences, our relationship to authority, our ability to learn, our qualities and deficiencies, comparison and judgment toward others, our discriminatory or empathic behaviors, our friendships, our enemies… all of these aspects that one actually gets to first live in school – most of the times – are part of what one can write out for oneself, investigating each pattern within the awareness of writing the experience out to identify how is it that one has limited oneself in such pattern.

So for example, if I had continued to only value myself according to what marks I would get in school, and feel ‘bad’ for getting a lower mark, then I would have continued to seek to get some ‘straight A’s’ or the equivalent way to get such ‘superiority validation’ somewhere else in my world, just because of not wanting to get to the opposite side of that and so lose my self-validation/recognition. So I had to work with understanding ‘who am I as recognition’ and the desire thereof, where am I not valuing myself, how have I accepted and allowed myself to only value myself according to achievements at school? Or how have I believed myself to only be a brain that thinks well? Where am I not actually seeing myself beyond this limited valuing perspective and really seeing through a broader potential that I had probably and most likely would not have developed if I had continued to only stick to my personality and personal desires.

So, deschooling ourselves involves a practical and continuous application of walking a process to self-forgive and let go of all the plethora of perceived flaws, definitions, beliefs, limitations, fears and rather work with developing real self-value, real self-acceptance and skills to develop ourselves to our utmost potential. In this, for example, I had to stop the desire to be recognized by others, while at the same time also walking the opposite polarity – because, as one walks one pattern you also get to understand how the mind works in polarities. And so I realized that along with my desire to be recognized, I also got to fear being recognized and so actually sought to ‘hide’ or become a rather ‘low-key’ individual while still holding on this ‘recognition’ point in place, so essentially I would create my own inner conflict which I even externalized in the way that I would dress in a rather extravagant manner while  at the same time using my body’s posture to indicate that I didn’t want to be seen, so I would hunch while walking because I believed that standing straight was ‘showing off’ and only able to be done by good looking girls for example, lol, yes all of this is a fine example of how we pollute our minds in fact.

So, this is just a tip of the iceberg example that one is actually able to investigate for oneself when looking at all the patterns we’ve become in our lives, not only from school but acquired from parents, from people we watch on TV, from the books we read, from the people we admire, from our friends and people around us, etc. As I’ve mentioned, we’ve become the copies of the copies and so the schooling system, the social system has become nothing but a reflection of these categories and identities existent and developed in our minds wherein we get lost in comparison, judgment and the idea of value in relation to ‘who we are’ within the system, all of which actually enables us to coexist within our current dog-eat-dog mentality, where all that matters is achieving personal glory regardless of who or what is abused and affected by it, or ‘collaterally damaged.’

 

I am a product of this society and I’ve had to walk this rather astounding process of deschooling myself,  of deprogramming myself in my mind while at the same time walking a process of self-creation, which is a continued process of self-investigation of every single moment, every single day wherein one continues to assert oneself as the new integration of common sense, of living principles, of a sense of commonality, of a consideration of what’s best for all, of not following an experience as to ‘how I feel’ or how I believe ‘I should feel/be like/act like/talk like’ to dictate who I am in the moment,  wherein it is a continuous process of letting go of any constrains and limitations that I have previously identified through writing, and have released through the process of self-forgiving behaviors, emotions, feelings, thinking patterns, ideas about myself so that I could then practically and actively work on stopping myself from running-through the same old programmed ‘me.’

Now I place my focus on attention on this self-creation process which is truly a first-timer for us all to be able to walk and do, because it is now that we are for the first time becoming more and more aware of things that were deeply rooted in the unconscious before. Now we are able to slowly but surely as humanity able to spot these patterns and behaviors with greater ease, and I have to say that this then a great opportunity and it does rejoice me to see more and more people starting to question themselves, and the overall world-system, which indicates there’s in fact a great opportunity existent here to change the direction of our lives if more and more people start waking up and smelling reality for what it is so that we can work together to correct and align it.

I must also say that when I speak of this process, it isn’t something I do ‘by myself’ nope, it would have been mostly more difficult I’d say – I walk with a group of people networked through the internet – around the globe – with whom we’ve shared our lives,  our writings for over 7 years now, keeping in constant processes of developing and strengthening our communication and feedback processes to ensure that we don’t get lost in this re-educational process we’re walking, which has to do little to nothing to any regular ‘schooling system,’ but we are all more than certain that more individuals must recognize the vital importance of implementing this self-investigation process as part of our schooling system, learning how to work with our minds as our thoughts, feelings, emotions, to learn how to effectively write them out and communicate about them while integrating a sense of self-support through developing common sense: the consideration of what is best for all. 

It is about time we realize that it makes complete sense to actually focus on empowering each other to learn how to best coexist as human beings rather than focusing on being liked by the teacher, or beating our classmates, or planning ways to get into a group of friends to ‘fit in,’ or planning our greatest success where we disregard another’s life of lack of opportunities and suffering that is and has become our collateral damage in this zero sum reality.

It is thus in our greatest and most common interest that we could all walk this self-education process of self-honesty which is a process of self-creation according to living principles to get to develop ourselves to our fullest potential, and so make it part of our educational programs in whichever way they take shape in the (near) future once that we more and more realize how detrimental and even harmful our current standardized type of educational systems are which actually stems from the skewed and misconstrued value systems in our minds.  

So, the best way to deschool ourselves, which is the same as saying the best way to change ourselves is definitely walking the Desteni I Process. There’s no greater set of tools in this world, nor greater group of people that commit themselves to support one another throughout this Journey to Life, to live in dignity and equality. And I can only encourage everyone to try it out for yourself, because if I had aimed at simply wanting to ‘change’ but not really investigating my mind and living patterns to the utmost degree, to really learn how to sweep behind the rug of my memories, my past, my experiences, to understand who am I within my mind and how to practically apply and establish solutions in my day to day living, I would have been equally lost in a constant yearning ‘for change’ but not really knowing how or where to start.

This isn’t an easy thing to do either, it’s probably the greatest commitment we’ll ever make in our lives, which is our commitment to actually learn how to live in the benefit of ourselves and all life considered. However, it will for sure be the most rewarding and long lasting for future generations as well.  

 

Recommend to Read:

Teacher’s Journey To Life

 

Artwork by Damián Ledesma 

 

 

Recommended to watch:

• Anna Brix’ vlog One School, United Against Life

• Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves

• Jane Elliott A Class Divided

• The Forbidden Education subtitled English (Movie HD) – La Educación Prohibida

• How to Herd Your Tax Cattle – Corbett Report

• [44] Solutions for Common Core’s Industrial Education

Hear the Podcasts:

• 47. A Class Divided and Conquered
• 23. Nice Guys Finish First
• 46. Egosystem: Recognizing our Limitations
• 35. The Forbidden Education: A Stepping Stone for New Education

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.

• Desteni
• Desteni Articles
• Destonians
• Desteni I Process
• Agreement/Redefining Relationship Course
• Desteni Forum : Discuss and share with us
• Desteni Wiki
• Desteni Español
• Creation’s Journey to Life
• Heaven’s Journey To Life

150. Meeting my Mirror = Equalizing the Reflection

Continuing with 149. Meeting my Mirror = My Error

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to face myself as another in my reality playing out character that I used to live-as in order to equalize our application within common sensical/ practical living considerations that are physically based and not mind-obsessive based

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an immediate kinship toward someone that I perceive is ‘similar to me’ in terms of my old habits about cleaning which I had regarded as ‘unique’ or ‘not so common,’ thus when finding someone that presents the ‘same symptoms,’ I create an immediate understanding of their experience and expression stemming from the ‘who I am’ as such character – thus

When and as I see myself immediately ‘liking’ someone because they represent an aspect of myself that I had considered being a virtue, I stop and I breathe. I realize that we are able to communicate and establish a cool point of communication without now creating a point of separation toward ‘others’ as ‘those that do not commune with our cleanliness’ and within that, instigating separation between the members of the house. .

I realize that I am able to establish a point of support for ourselves through communicating/ interacting without reinforcing any point of separation based on the ‘who we are’ as cleanliness characters.

I commit myself to communicate and develop a relationship that is not based on ‘being similar characters’  – we’ve represented within being the ‘clean’ persons, but instead assist and support myself to be open to communicate with everyone here without creating a point of separation within my mind now that ‘I’ve got someone to communicate with that’s similar to me,’ as that would be reinforcing a point of separation that is not necessary to ‘embody’ as I realize that if the actions and patterns can be directed within a common sensical point of application that’s best for all, then we do so, as that is in the best interest of all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience within me for having someone to ‘backup my cleanliness’ and thinking that ‘I am not alone anymore’ within my cleaning habits in the house, instead of realizing that I have actually worked with becoming more flexible and establishing a point of laxity in terms of being ‘too picky’ when it comes to cleanliness – thus

 

When and as I see myself thinking that I am now not alone in my cleaning habits/ patters as someone else is now supporting them with the same zeal, I stop and I breathe. I consider the process that I have walked in order to not be ‘that’ obsessed about cleaning and the time that I have actually walked to – bit by bit – stop reacting to patterns of ‘uncleanliness’ which I then take into consideration to within this new acquaintance not reinforce them to ‘get back to the obsessive-compulsive behavior of cleaning all the time – thus

 

I commit myself to become an example of how one can be and become less ‘concerned’ about dirtiness the whole time and also take into consideration the practicality of keeping a space as clean as possible when living with other people that do not subscribe to ‘cleanliness perfection,’ – thus it is to establish a point of balance wherein only common sensical measures with a proper  ‘leeway’ to ensure that no polarity of cleanliness/ uncleanliness is the directive starting point, but simple common sensical sustenance of our environment in common areas that we live in.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘good’ about finding someone that is ‘as clean as myself/ even cleaner than me’ as that indicates that ‘I am not the only one crazy here,’ which would be reinforcing the cleanliness character that I have assisted and supported myself to slowly but surely become more supple on, to not be as rigid as I used to in terms of reacting in anger and contempt when finding dirt/ not seeing everything ‘sparkling clean.’ Thus

When and as I see myself creating a point of resort in another for ‘supporting my patterns of cleanliness’ to then reinforce my application, I stop and I breathe. I realize that creating this point of separation would be like going back to an obsessive-compulsive aspect of myself that I have worked with to stop and correct within an equal and one consideration of others living in the same environment, and within this, becoming more flexible when it comes to cleaning habits.

 

I commit myself to remain walking my process of establishing a point of common sense of when to direct someone to clean/ when to be flexible and not react/ demand immediate action, as I realize that I have to consider others within this process of understanding that a habit that’s best for all/ supportive such as marinating an environment the best way possible is an actual practical living-educational aspect that won’t be established overnight as I have to consider other people’s contexts and life experiences wherein I cannot ‘change them’ to immediately apply/do/ act as I say, but instead have to create a point of understanding within the consideration of what is best for all living in the house at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to create a cleanliness character of ‘compulsive purity’ wherein I would become possessed in anger and contempt every time that a single ‘dirt footstep’ was impressed on my immaculate white tiling,’ which became a constant point of worry and concern that I did not see as an exaggeration at times, but something that was in accordance to me wanting to exist in a ‘perfect picture presentation’ of myself as the external world, while actually existing with a lot of shit inside myself – which is something that I had not considered how I tried to ‘wash myself’ from the outside and have this perfect-picture presentation, but not daring to actually see what patterns I was living as, what experiences I was going through and feeding through other addictive patterns and relationships at the time that I would actually ‘shove away’ through this compulsive outside cleaning.

When and as I see myself cleaning in a compulsive manner again, I stop and I breathe – I can see and understand that this is a pattern that I actually created as a ‘coping mechanism’ toward a point in my reality that I would try to suppress and cover up with compulsively cleaning and being constantly ‘watchful’ of cleanliness, which I recognize becomes a constant point of preoccupation and concern in the mind, instead of being here as breath.

I commit myself to instead walk the process of ‘cleaning’ myself from the inside to see how and why I externalized that process as a way to ‘entertain’ myself with the Idea of cleanliness while existing within a point of suppression to see ‘what’s inside me.’ Thus I assist and support myself to remind myself of this pattern being an actual mind-driven compulsive behavior instead of an actual common sensical consideration, and within this, also assist and support others to see the same points as factors that support us all to live in a way that’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to become ‘self righteous’ about my cleaning habits and creating a point of separation to the extent of liking/ disliking people according to ‘how clean they were,’ which has actually been a measuring point within me toward others in a silent/ unspoken and ‘unaware’ manner, wherein I create a point of preference toward anyone that presents a ‘cleanliness’ pattern to which I immediately create a kinship toward and identify such person as someone that ‘I like’ just because it represents an aspect of me that I have believed to be ‘rare’ and ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is actually stemming from what I learned from my father in terms of not many people being ‘comfortable’ with cleaning and creating cleaning habits ‘for a lifetime.’

When and as I see myself creating a point of preference, righteousness and specialness toward people that present a similar ‘trait’ to the character I played as ‘the compulsive cleaner,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that identifying people according to the similar characters they play in relation to the points that I’ve considered as ‘unique’ and ‘special’ within me, creates a point of immediate specialness and uniqueness toward such person as a character. thus

I commit myself to be able to recognize similar patterns within others as myself, to assist and support me and others to step out of character to a common sensical application of – in this case – cleaning habits, wherein we do not only consider our ‘point of view’ and living-application, but also others that are not ‘too keen on cleaning’ on the same basis that we do. Thus, it is to establish a point of communication at all times in terms of the points that must be reinforced within taking care of the common areas we share, our assigned duties and as such, ensure that we do not create ‘two teams’ opposing each other within the cleaning habits of the house.

 

It is also a cool point to support others as myself by being an example of an equilibrated application of cleaning habits so that there is no point of judgment and blaming others for dirtiness, but instead consider a practical consideration of cleaning on a regular basis without it being a time consuming and mind-consuming activity that is considered as a ‘must do’ at all times, though becoming aware of any exigencies that are stemming from a character-request and which exigencies are actual common sensical considerations that are based on what is best for all to live in/ as within the common areas we share in the house.

 

I realize that in the past, creating a compulsive behavior toward cleaning lead me to end up living alone because of people not being able to stand ‘walking at my pace’ within my mind-driven obsession. Thus it is to remain within my application of a certain laxity and suppleness when it comes to cleaning, and as such, assist and support others to establish this point of equilibrium as well wherein what is best for all is reinforced and talked through/ communicated about in order to have no excuses/ justifications to not do the necessary work or being ‘over board.’ Thus a point of moderation can be established as practical considerations instead of character-needs that create friction between the two poles leading to eventual conflict and separation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually create a point of ‘shock’ within seeing myself in another in such a clear way wherein the specific use of words, mannerisms and expression reminded me of ‘who I was’ some years ago, which I had not found before and is also a cool point to see how characters work/ manifest in a way wherein

When and as I ‘see myself’ in another presenting a specific pattern that used to define ‘who I am,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is not to create now a point of identification based on such similar old patterns, as that would be ‘stepping back’ to the who I was as such character in the past, which for the most part is slowly but surely being debunked – However,  in the cleanliness point I see  and realize how easy it is to ‘reactivate it’ as a point of possession/ obsession if someone else is also reinforcing such pattern within me.

Thus I commit myself to realize that allowing myself to be influenced by another’s application that reinforces similar characters within me is ‘stepping back’ to the old ways which I am busy walking a process of self-equality and oneness of – thus I it is to be and become supportive toward myself and others to establish an equilibrium within our application, and instead focus on working with ‘cleaning ourselves’ and facing the points that require purging/ cleaning within in order to make the outside cleaning an equal and one application of what we do within ourselves as our mind, which will then become not a point of obsession or compulsive behavior, but a practical consideration of what’s best for all to live in/ as – as within so without.

For further support and assistance to get to know ‘who we are’ as ‘characters’ and as such, walk a process to equalize our ‘special needs’ to common sensical considerations in the best interest of all, visit:

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System 

 

 

Blogs:

• The Science of Thought – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 150

• Day 150: Matrix of FLESH is SELF

 

Interviews

• Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 8

• Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 9

 

149. Meeting my Mirror = My Error

Something very interesting has happened in my reality and with a particular timing that is going according to the topics I’ve walked the past two blogs.  A new girl came to live to my house and after all the ‘odd ways’ in which she eventually came to live here – besides the sudden ‘availability’ of space after two people decided to live – she’s been already a cool point of support to almost in a literal way ‘face myself’ even in the couple of hours I have barely interacted with her.

The specific point is that she’s aware of being ‘a tad’ obsessive-compulsive with cleaning, lol. She actually hugged me for having cleaned up the kitchen after I explained how I had cleaned up the kitchen – the whole event that I described in the previous two blogs – which was certainly something that ‘in my mind’ I could not compute, as I had not faced someone as ‘picky’ as I thought myself to be with cleanliness. It brought me back to the memories of ‘who I was’ when I first began living alone – well with another person – in my first apartment, which was before  I began process and pretty much living out what I had ‘downloaded’ as obsessive compulsive patterns from partner and parental habits. 

Back then I was obsessed with cleaning for hours every single Monday on a religious basis. The entire apartment was white so it all was just ‘perfect’ for my then ‘purity’ and ‘spirituality’ that I sought at all times. It was really a luxury for me to have the opportunity to live in such a place and I did ‘make the best of it, however I knew that it could only be sustainable as long as I lived alone, as I would simply ‘maintain’ it clean other than having to clean up someone else’s mess.  That came to and end when I left school for one year to go to the farm.

Today I was recalling and actually telling her my stories about the support I got at the farm in terms of living with several beings – both human and animals. And yes, the stupor as well because I really had a hard time getting used to not living in an immaculate/ museum like place and actually letting go of my absolute obsession with cleaning and fearing germs, etc. I had been aware of being a very picky person, and I probably still would be reserved about being picky in such terms, however it is all part of the Ms. cleanliness character.

So, facing this girl living out the same patterns was quite a cool thing for me, to see where I can support myself as her to go ‘balancing out’ such habits now that I can actually see how someone with the same behavior behaves and does – fascinating. I even saw myself as rather ‘messy’ and ‘dirty’ when it came to seeing how I have in fact become ‘less concerned’ about everything being immaculate when comparing myself to her current stance toward cleaning, and as such, it was quite cool to see who I am when facing another ‘me’ that is quite similar in terms of the backchat/ frontchat about others. I see myself thinking that ‘there will be an appropriate time to begin addressing these points,’ as this is just the beginning of interacting with her.

I also realized the point of ‘liking her’ because I can ‘talk to her’/ ‘have more in common’ as I see myself reflected within the same point and way of thinking that I probably existed as in a very ingrained manner some years ago. In a way I see that I have been able to let go of my religious cleanliness in the past couple of years with more people not being ‘cleaning religious people.’ I realize that I also created a point of laxity about cleanliness due to ‘fearing getting angry’ when things weren’t clean – and so, I see that the starting point of it all in my application was more of tolerance based on personal preferences than actual environmental considerations within applying ‘what’s best for all,’ which is a cool point to also take into consideration.

What’s also interesting is that when talking about forgiveness, she replied about her understanding of it as the exact process of having to – in other words – ‘face your demons’ and taking responsibility to change, which is quite an accurate approximation to this process. However, it is to realize that the positive and the negative are actually patterns of the same coin just seen from different perspectives and angles as the starting point of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ will always be the mind – thus it is to transform the good and bad to a common sensical perspective wherein we can be sure there are no personal considerations/ self interest that can interfere to implement what is best for all.

So, quite a cool coin.cidence and almost like an oddity to get to meet someone that is playing out the character I used to hold oh so proudly about cleaning. The general backchat was ‘we’ll be working through the points as we go’ which means that I have to become aware of not wanting to ‘change’ her, but instead be an example of a way wherein we simply can deal with things without having to judge others for doing what ‘they’ are doing, which is at all times ourselves, because I did notice a general detachment from being the perpetrator of abuse on Earth with sentences like ‘They are doing it, one is not willing to participate in that/ I don’t do that’ which is a general way to abdicate responsibility, even if there is a common sensical consideration of being ‘one and equal,’ which is a common misconception when this oneness is seen as a ‘spiritual’ thing like ‘being one with the universe,’ but step out of such ‘oneness’ when it implies some ‘negative/ bad’ aspect of ourselves as humanity.

Will continue in the next post with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application to face myself as another in my reality playing out character that I used to play out in an effusive manner as well, which is going into an empathetic character due to mind-associations and within that, assisting and supporting myself to not create a point of separation from others now that there is ‘someone’ that backs me up/ that I can ‘relate’ to, which would be relationship creation and separation.

Thanks for reading

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  The Science of Thought – Introduction: DAY 149

 

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119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone

119 is an Odd number and an oddity pattern has emerged. As mentioned in the previous blog, I am here to walk a point that comes before all points in relation to relationships, and that is a pattern that I have played out throughout my life and that I’ve mentioned in the blog  111. ‘Why aren’t you normal? which is a desire to be Left Alone.

And curiously enough, I had been trying to hide and suppress this point from the moment that I heard a song by Fiona Apple in her new record wherein she sings/recoils saying ‘How can I ask anyone to love me when all I do is beg to be Left Alone? –

 

This point can be quite extreme and it kicks in as a defense mechanism of the mind in order to place a red flag whenever there’s something/ someone that might be a potential dynamite to my self-religion, wherein I essentially start running away/ evading to ‘not be bothered’ or simply challenge my ‘way of being’ which is clearly a self-delusion.

The first memories stem from when I was a little girl and my mother would ask me to ‘go downstairs and play with x and x’ during a party or family reunion, which I refused to for whatever reason –I would even go into throwing tantrums simply because of not wanting to go and ‘play’ with other kids, which is how I would create an absolute opposition to the sound of her voice being ‘gently-pushing’ me to do something, until she’d get angry and scold me for not wanting to go downstairs to be/ socialize with other kids.

I can recall that I had a ‘hard time’ making friends simply because of this same point: I don’t want others to ‘disturb’ me, I don’t want to miss out this or that TV show if I go to his/ her house to play – I rather say that  I was sick and that’s why I didn’t go.  And so I always ensured I would only go to/ attend the places and interact with people that I wanted to be and interact with – but when anything or anyone went out of my ‘scheme’ of familiarity, I’d immediately seek ways to not participate, to not have to ‘go there.’

A memory that pops up was for example having outdoors activities at school, wherein kids would enjoy being boy scouts and I just thought of myself as inadequate for all types of outdoor experiences. So, I would push myself to not go at all or only go if it was absolutely directed to school – I really could not fathom how kids would want to spend their Saturdays doing all of that.

 

Sometimes girls would invite me to their houses, or anything else like a party or just going out or something and while they’d be asking me to go there, I would already be wanting to scheme any form of ‘event’ to make an excuse as to why I could not make it – I would rush into saying that I had this or that other class, or that I would be doing something else that would ruin the entire plan.

 

Other specific times is when I had wanted to be ‘left alone’ in relationships, wherein I apparently become too vexed and annoyed by another and in that, start scheming ways to pull myself away, like a literal ‘red flag, someone is about to push your buttons further,’ and as such immediately start getting annoyed by something, creating backchat as clear as ‘I don’t want to speak any longer/ I just want to be left alone’ – which is how I then go into being quiet and finding excuses as to why I should not relate to such person any longer.

 

Even when I was in a moment with ‘established’ friendships and relationships, there would always be a time wherein I just wanted to be left alone, even if I was already quiet habituated to be with them during the day, I would always hit the  introverted mode wherein I would simply remain quiet while backchatting about me wanting to leave home:  how could I get myself out of this situation, can’t he just stop talking, if I say that I don’t want to go then Ill be seen as anti-social, he/ she will take i t personal if I don’t want to go there – I just want to go home

 

Even when I was in supportive environments e.g. the farm I would ‘hit that point’ wherein I just wanted to be alone, like suddenly being ‘fed up’ of being around people and would only project myself into an immediate future of being alone in my room, doors closed, windows closed – no disturbance, silence. This is how the ‘going home’ or being in my room was like my little ‘spot in space’ wherein I could be alone.

And so whenever anything or anyone challenged my routine, ‘my way’ of doing things, my way of dealing with my everyday I would immediately go into a ‘defense mode’ of excuses in order to not go somewhere/ do something that would mean having to go to an unknown place or interacting with new people or doing something new. My home always being that ‘safe heaven’ wherein I could then feel at ease and always yearn to ‘get back to.’ 

So, this manifests even toward people that do not precisely represent a point that I have to ‘run away from’ in physical reality, but simply someone that is clearly being a ‘threat’ to my ‘loner’ character, which I have linked to people suddenly being ‘too close’ to me and I simply deciding that they’re getting ‘too close’ which is how I’ve always kept my bounds to remain the same in my own little routine where nothing moves and nothing changes – thus, the perfect intact trap for myself as my own ego.

 

This will continue…

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Blog Explaining what Backchat is:

• Multidimensional Inner-Voices – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 119

• Day 119: True Activist Power

 

Life Reviews that I could ‘relate to’ in order to see myself as another:

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• Life Review – When Life turns its back on You

108. ‘Like Father, Like Son’

Equalizing communication by letting go of the fear to point out the patterns that we have cycled ourselves as from generation to generation through communicating about it, explaining how we have practically assisted ourselves  to no longer comply to what we have deemed as ‘fuckedup irreversible inherited patterns’ that we would only ‘cope with’ throughout our lives, trying to find some kind of pride through living them out in and throughout our lives.

 

This is a situation that has actually occurred again recently wherein I am having a meal with my parents and my father’s anger comes up as a point to discuss about – the point I am self forgiving is the time when I gave into his reactions when opening up the point to eventually comply to the fear of ‘hurting him’ or being ‘too harsh’ in the moment, which was essentially giving into the mind to ‘smooth things out,’ instead of realizing how I was in fact able and capable of supporting myself to breakthrough the fears and be self-directive in the moment.

However just a week ago I saw my parents and the exact same event took place and this time I was able to break-through the points and get an actual confirmation of it being beneficial for him this time, which is definitely cool.

 

So this is to self-forgive the past to ensure I do not step again on it ever again as I see and realize that we can in fact break the chains of the past by standing immovable as one single point: communicating here as breath, in common sense, not giving into reactions but continuing constant and consistent as breath itself within what we are conveying to another.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define a point of congeniality with another such as ‘my father’ based on both of us playing out the exact same characters wherein were are in essence defining ‘who we are’ according to being irritable, which I would take as something to be ‘proud’ of, never even considering how in this very acceptance of myself being equal to a father-pattern is in fact the cycles of abuse that must be stopped no matter what.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever take ‘pride’ in being/ becoming like my father, which is essentially an incendiary person that would be known as an ‘angry person’ all the time and as such, creating a reputation of being friendly yet highly irritable if things don’t go my way –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative experience within me when I perceive that my father is not listening to me explaining why we must stop being simply angry with ourselves and toward the world, being easily ‘ignited’ by any little thing – without realizing that in this desire I am separating myself from simply sharing how I have supported myself, why I am supporting myself and as such, provide the very basic tools to do that for himself as well.

 

I realize that wanting to change another in order to stop our cycles of abuse, is imposition and it’s wanting to change others before doing this unconditionally for myself – therefore I can only share the path that I’ve walked as a means to show how it is absolutely able to be done and how we don’t have to condemn each other to just play out patterns from generation to generation, and instead learn how to support ourselves and others to do the same.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my father is not wanting to listen to me about stopping his anger and general instant-ignition with any point that may go wrong in his world, and accordingly start diminishing my expression wherein the moment I perceive that I am not being listened, I start considering that I must simply keep quiet and stop talking altogether.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a perceptual observation of him becoming pissed off and uncomfortable when being in a situation wherein we are directly talking about our anger patterns and as such, believing that I should stop talking just because he is becoming very uncomfortable with the entire situation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist getting myself and another into a seemingly ‘uncomfortable situation’ which is exposing each other’s patterns to take responsibility for them, without realizing that it is uncomfortable because we had never talked about these points before – therefore, I can continue pushing the point in common sense without being aggressive or too incisive, but instead realizing that we can only become aware of our points to correct by talking about it, by sharing and exposing them – therefore that it is not to be taken personally, but simply realized as points that we can now take responsibility for and walk in common sense.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in such a moment, change the topic in order for him to not go into an absolute lockdown of not speaking and remaining quiet, which is actually me ‘giving-up’ to continuing speaking about relevant points such as patterns that we have to take responsibility for, wherein the moment that I changed the topic, I gave into his mood, made it ‘my own’ and as such consider that I should not ‘spoil the time’ for him – which is giving-up self-direction and comply to my fear of ‘making him have a bad time’ or fearing making him feel uncomfortable, without realizing that we just had to continue expanding on the point to walk through the resistance and get to the core of it through establishing a proper back and forth communication.

 

An update is that I recently went through the same situation – restaurant, being with both my parents and my mother bringing up the point of anger again, and I proceeded to share myself, be directly and specifically pointing at the patterns with specific example that I’ve been able to walk for myself wherein I have clearly stopped going into the anger possession, and instead supporting myself to remain here as breath. This time, he did remain quiet, but listened carefully; I only had to bring his attention back to seeing me and not other tables once, which is quite a cool thing lol considering he’d be mostly looking around whenever we would open up the point. And, I got a message from my mother recently which is like a week after we met, and she said how he’s been doing much better now with his anger and that’s very cool – all I required to do is not allow his evasiveness in communication to affect me in the moment of speaking, but continuing being directive and share practical examples related to breathing, self forgiveness and realizing that every time that we give into anger, we are in essence abusing our physical body, consuming our physical substance in the name of exerting one single experience that is detrimental to all, which is anger. Therefore, I can say that I’ve walked this point into correction in a way, however it is to apply and live it with everyone else that we may notice are deliberately wanting to ignore a point of communication through ‘locking down,’ which implies that there are points that are not being willed to face in the moment –thus we share our practical examples of how we have gone through the same thing and how we have supported ourselves to eventually walk out of the pattern into self-correction.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess someone’s experience when communicating with them and beginning to worry about whether I am being too incisive, too frank, too direct, too harsh and within this giving into their self-generated experience as the mind in order for me to then go into a similar lockdown wherein I change the topic in order to remain within the ‘safety bounds’ of communication, which is actually further limiting our ability to actually transcend points by facing them in a moment of communication which is, according to what I have realized so far, the best way to support ourselves to face who we are and have become as our mind and as such, give ourselves the opportunity to establish ways to support ourselves, to correct ourselves and start living, as I see that this is the way to go in order to create a collective agreement as humanity to be and become human beings that care about life and are willing to stop perpetuating the cycles of the past as our ego, as our characters and personalities of self-limitation and degradation.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having felt compelled to stop talking to my father whenever I saw that our communication would lead to conflict or confrontation out of existing as ‘fear of conflict’ which has become one of the usual obstacles for ourselves to actually be vulnerable and communicate, because we would be so used to simply going up in flames = getting angry and not really supporting ourselves to face the pattern, realize the trigger points and establish solutions, but because we would always give into each other’s incendiary moods = we’d just give up communication and believe that there is no way we can sort this out and as such, simply giving up communication altogether, which is unacceptable as I see and realize that it is within this acceptance and allowance that we became characters supporting each other’s characters and as such, remain in a character world where we believed that communicating about our problems and finding solutions for them was simply ineffable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for ever having feared ‘ruining’ a moment with my father or anyone else when communicating due to exposing our mind, the pattern playing out wherein because of seeing others’ reactions, I’d also go into a lockdown wherein backchat emerges such as ‘I don’t want to continue speaking any longer either’ and essentially, giving up the communication, instead of actually walking through the conflict, point that is emerging and following through till we can both see the solution and get to a practical solution in order to establish ourselves as a self-directive being that will work with self’s own patterns, instead of taking it personal and just complying to making of a moment of communication a ‘frustration point’ between both parties with no resolution.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself thinking, believing and perceiving that I have ‘something in common’ with another based on playing out a similar character of self-limitation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that taking ‘pride’ in such aspects such as the saying ‘like father, like son’ is in fact the type of thinking that has gotten us to not move as humanity and actually changing into a best for all living realization as a process of self-correction, because we simply accepted our copied patterns from our parents as ‘who we are’ and believing that we had no power or say about it whatsoever, and we could only ‘deal with it’ and ‘cope’ with the inherited patterns, which is the same as accepting this entire world system of money as something that we could not ‘change’ at all, but only try and find ‘better ways to deal with it,’ which is unacceptable because it is in the very acceptance of this world as it is and of ourselves as ‘we are’ that we are simply running as finite cycles of fuckup patterns that in no way support life in equality at all.

 

Therefore I see that the practical way to identify our patterns in relation to our parents is talking them out and clearly sharing ourselves as the example of what is possible to correct and to stop within ourselves within a process of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application, wherein we can in fact make the decision to no longer be bound to ‘inherited patterns’ as a cross-to-bear, but instead taking such points/ patterns as self-corrective realizations that do require our will and decisive action to stop and walk into/ as a correction based on what is best for all.

 

When and as I see myself ever taking pride of any positive/ negative pattern inherited from my parents, I stop and I breathe – I realize that defining ‘who I am’ according to my parents is still limiting my expression and ability to live – thus I walk the patterns that I see and realize I have copied from my parents and ensure that who I am is standing here as a self-created being that can take points that are beneficial as part of one’s self-application, yet in no way define ‘who I am’ according to being someone’s daughter or having this particular ‘inheritance,’ but instead support me to realize that even if we have a certain predisposition to act and be in a particular ‘positive’ way, I require to be self-honest about my application within such traits and ensure that I am in fact aligning myself at all times as what’s best for all, instead of using it as a form of ‘superiority’ toward others.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to share myself based on a desire to change another, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I cannot possibly speak and communicate only from the starting point of ‘changing another,’ but that I have to in fact share my own process of self-realization about my own patterns and points that I am walking and taking self responsibility for, this is to ensure that who I am remains here clear, devoid of any secret agenda such as wanting to impose a change upon another, without such being making the decision for themselves based upon the evidence of what is possible to be and do, which is the example I am able to give and represent as being the living example of how it is absolutely plausible to stop ‘the sins of the fathers’ within ourselves and as such actually start living for the very first time in our reality.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to give into another’s ‘negative mood’ wherein I am perceiving a resistance to speak, talk and interact stemming from another, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the only way to actually walk through the resistance is opening up the communication about the resistance experienced in the first place, as that’s how we ensure that the backchat is exposed and we are thus able to stand ‘on the same level’ with any other being according to walking through a point of resistance from the get go.

 

When and as I see myself having the idea, belief and perception that ‘I should stop speaking because I am making another uncomfortable,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just another way for us to eventually keep ‘our mind as is’ wherein we are not supporting anyone but only the ego of the mind that takes things personally and creates any form of silent or outrageous tantrum as to not have to face our creation and our patterns in our face.

 

I direct myself to remain constant and consistent within and while communicating with another, without giving into another’s experience and as such, supporting me to instead find various ways of communicating that can be more ‘appealing’ to another to engage them into the communication as well.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘change the topic’ because of fearing conflict in a conversation/ point of communication – I stop and I breathe – I realize that within this fear of conflict I had in fact only secured my own ego and other’s ego, leaving them intact in order to not have to actually open up the points that we can talk about and discuss with each other as a form of self-support. I realize that we are perfectly able to support ourselves to see each other’s patterns, mirror ourselves on others wherein we can in fact start being and becoming self-supportive in any moment we have of interaction as I realize that I am able to decide from here on ‘who I am’ and ‘what I am’ in any given moment of interaction with others, wherein I have the ability to stop being just another compliant character and instead, show the way of how we can really communicate as equals, beyond any character such as father, daughter or any other role that we may wear toward particular human beings, as I realize that change begins within me, and as such, I am the only one able to set the first stone in any given moment to establish a point of communication in equality and common sense, no matter ‘who it is/ was’ in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself taking another’s reactions into consideration as a point to define my own communication and words to them as going into self-suppression, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to communicate with another without having to diminish or lower my voice or ‘change my attitude’ into suppression just to not make them uncomfortable – as I realize that we have built a world wherein because of this fear of making another uncomfortable because of exposing ourselves as who we are as the mind, we rather ‘play safe’ in our communication which is how we have maintained a system of abuse in a blind acceptance and allowance, because we never dared to speak up and expose the patterns that we had accepted and allowed as ‘who we are’ without a question, which is what is relevant to expose and share now that we are able to see and realize how we are the creators of this world and as such, it is ourselves that must take the responsibility to ensure we are no longer perpetuating the limitations of the past, but instead become self directive beings that are willing to support themselves to step out of the self-accepted lie as a character that only ‘plays safe’ in communication.

 

I commit myself to challenge myself and others within communication in common sense, In means of exposing our own ‘reservedness’ as an actual fear of conflict and eventual ‘lockdown’ that we use to defend ourselves whenever we feel the ‘tide is too high,’ without realizing that in such point we are in essence complying to each other’s character an not doing anything about it. This must stop and it begins within and as ourselves.

 

When and as I see myself fearing ‘ruining’ a moment for another due to the topics and/ or point of communication that I am brining up, I stop and I breathe. I realize that whenever I have feared confrontation and/ or conflict, I end up being frustrated myself because of having complied to a mind that limits itself and within that missing out the opportunity to support myself to transcend and walk-through the fear of being ‘imposing myself onto other,’ which is not so in fact when all that I can do in reality is speak, share/ communicate with another in order to bring up points that will be up for them to either take or leave, as I realize that I cannot change anyone – however I can definitely present the practical solutions to walk a point into/ as self-correction.

 

Therefore, I realize that I can use any moment of communication with another as a window of opportunity to share myself, my process and what I am currently being/ doing with and as myself, without any limitation as I see and realize that if communication is based on common sense and sharing myself as the moment, what I am at the moment is walking process, walking my own self-correction and as such communication will invariably be about it, which Is very cool as this is an opportunity we all have to expand ourselves: sharing ourselves as our process without creating a need or want or desire to ‘change another,’ but simply sharing with others what is possible to be and become once that we stand as equals to ourselves as our mind, once that we get to know ourselves as our mind and as such learn how it is possible to go changing the way we live in this world one by one, no matter ‘who’ we are toward one another, self-honesty as the realization of who we are as one and equal comes first at all times.

 

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Day 20: Childhood Schooling Years

Here I share some of the most prominent experiences that I have realized became part of my identity/ personality as an ‘A+ student’ throughout my life, beginning with childhood which is in itself a label used within the schooling system that is considered as a ‘positive incentive,’ however what’s not considered is how the child that gets such ‘special treat’ is also being ostracized and separated from the majority that cannot obtain the same distinction because of the obvious hierarchical levels, wherein the one on top is taken as a measure point for the rest. And so, the pressure built within the ‘outstanding individual’ becomes a constant point of fear and anxiety to remain in such position, due to the allocated idea that the individual – myself in this case – has built about themselves within a particular context in their reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to ‘keep up’ this reputation of being the ‘best student’ wherein I had seen, realized made me popular/ recognized with authorities like parents and teachers throughout school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to deliberately impose myself as an ‘example to follow’ wherein I would get a good experience out of being ‘the best’ and being recognized as someone that was ‘out of this world’ for how obedient, disciplined and such a ‘good student’ overall I was – wherein I absolutely knew that this was the way to have everyone valuing me as everything that I wanted to ‘be’ and ‘become’ as I realized what ‘power’ felt like and I dug it, secretly, while pretending to be humble and modest about my ‘skills’ and abilities – without realizing that such experience of being valued as ‘more than’ was that which mattered in this world, being ‘someone to others,’ and in that only developing this idea that all I am is this role model for others and that all that I am ‘worth’ is this example of ‘what a good student’ is for others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not fuckup one single time as that would lower my reputation and within this idea of it all being ‘easy’ for me, extenuating the actual experience of stress and pressure that lead me to experience things like anxiety, nervousness and gastritis at a very young age, simply because I wanted to keep ‘my place’ in school/ my world – which is me becoming infatuated with the sensation of recognition and power at a very young age.

 

I did this to myself, I am very aware how I was not pressured at all by my parents to become this – in fact, they were the first ones that would tell me to slow down and not be so apprehensive, but I just became so rigid with my beliefs within ‘who I was’ that it was virtually impossible for me to let go of this ideal of responsibility and always being on time for school, always getting the best grades, always knowing the answers.  A single example is how when I would be sick and my mother would suggest me to stay at home, I would immediately react about it and would beg her to take me to school, I could not possibly miss one day at 2nd grade in kindergarten! lol – everyone would laugh when my mother shared that story with other people, and that would make me mad because to me it was something serious. I certainly lived ‘backwards’ from the perspective I went from being the most rigid person in school in 1st grade kindergarten and then quite relaxed by the end of my school years – yet always keeping the cool grades for the reasons that I’ll continue sharing as I walk the Self Forgiveness here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to impose this to myself, and not even hear when my mother would say that it didn’t matter what grades I had, but that I had to slow down because it was affecting my body – I didn’t hear, to me reputation was ‘all that I was’ and all that I had to keep up, and in this generating me as an extremely apprehensive kid that only sought to keep up with ‘the best grades’ and engaging in secret competitions toward other classmates that I believed were on to ‘get me off of my throne.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage in such competition traits at a very young age – 2^nd grade of elementary school – wherein when fellow classmates would express that they were on to ‘get me off of my first place’ I would take that s a deliberate attack that would gnaw my very existence and concern me/ worry me tremendously, to the extent of developing constant anxiety for always being/remaining on top because I could not fathom the idea of being second place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so stressed out for keeping a certain place in my reality, which means that I feared being/ becoming a ‘normal person’ without it, because of how I had been so used to getting all the first places and recognition from the very first year in school.

 

It is really unnecessary within the schooling system to do this, I became so fed up yet so used to these award/ recognition ceremonies, I essentially became my own judge wherein I placed rigid standards which is part of the personality I’ve become wherein I tend to be an extremist when doing something ‘going all the way into it’ and often disregarding the actual physical pace that is required in this world. I have walked this point throughout the past which I’ve shared as part of the physical slowing-down in all aspects as I’ve seen and realized how the rushing point is/ was stemming from a constant form of competition and keeping scores toward myself and in comparison to others.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to marry with myself as the idea of always having to be ‘on top’ and not allowing anyone else to take such position because it was ‘my place’ and ‘my throne’ wherein all the glory and recognition of being first place was ‘all that I am’ at the eyes of others, therefore existing in an ingrained fear of losing that ‘first place’ and creating a rivalry/ competition toward anyone else that seemed like a threat to my beloved position of ‘first place.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a constant need and desire to be in control of my environment and others to ensure that I would always have things ‘my way’ and that meant: keeping my first place as a constant point of self-validation that I knew could only be ‘lost’ if I allowed myself to fuck up even once, which is how I developed a fear toward making mistakes because I could not imagine how it would be for others to realize that ‘I’d lost the first place’ as I believe that everyone was expecting me to fall.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in a perpetual experience of fear of ‘falling’ and ‘losing my place’ wherein I believed that everyone wanted me to lose and fall because I would react to their expressions every time that it would happen and believe that they were ‘mean to me’ because they would solace to the idea of me falling/ being second or third place an losing my usual position.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within such experiences wherein I believed that everyone was on to ‘see me fall’ and that their happiness depended on ‘seeing me fall/ make a mistake/ fuck up,’ wherein I believed that all eyes were on me and that I was constantly ‘in the spotlight,’ which is essentially the usual delusion we get imbued with wherein we believe that we are the center of the universe and that everyone is looking at us, expecting something from us without ever actually taking a moment to realize: this is me doing this to myself, this is me trying to catch up with an illusion as the cage that I have built for myself wherein I believe I can’t ‘get out’ or I’ll ‘lose’ the ‘who I am’ toward others and myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to associate honor as an inherent recognition that I had to keep up in my reality with good grades wherein being a ‘perfect student’ gave me the recognition that I had not allowed myself to give to myself regardless of ‘who I was’ within the school system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that being a ‘good student’ at the eyes of my teachers made me ‘special’ and ‘unique’ – which eventually caused much strain the moment that I saw the division that would ensue between my other classmates wherein such specialness was seen as ‘preferential treat’ and causing them to later on develop patterns of bullying toward me – which is what lead me to not want to ‘stand out in the spotlight’ any longer, because I did not want to suffer again.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of going to school because of having to face my classmates after I had filed a complain about the bullying at school, which made me really anxious and fearful with regards to being left alone and having all my ‘friends’ suddenly against me for being a whistle blower about my situation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever use this point as a manipulation as to why I had a reason to ‘suffer’ in my world, without ever realizing that it was actually all that I had created for myself, a point that I deliberately sought and fought to maintain which obviously lead to create an opposition due to how much effort/ zeal I would imprint onto my school application which is what became like a constant war zone instead of a learning ground wherein I could simply walk in a normal pace.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to impose these rigid schemes of ‘who I had to be’ just to keep up this idea of myself as ‘the perfect student’ without ever asking: who will I be without it? why am I so petrified to lose this position?

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within the system of competition and reward and honorable places in the school system wherein the obvious separation and discrimination that is brewed in classrooms become the reality of a world wherein hierarchy is then the way to ‘rule’ within the system. You get trained to either be a ‘leader’ or a ‘follower’ and in that, accepting the fact that not everyone would have equal opportunities to develop their skills efficiently within and throughout the Education system.

Actually there is no such thing as an equal possibility for all people to have such opportunity as the current Educational system is just like an IQ test that doesn’t consider each individual’s special abilities/ capabilities and developing different pedagogical programs to ensure each being is able to learn with different methods/ options – No, the current system is a cookie-cutter system wherein some would fit in it with the utmost efficiency and some others would literally swallow each year hoping to not get kicked out. It’s really terrible to have this as such hierarchy levels are then built at school, in classrooms wherein people begin identifying each other according to the grades they have and in that, an entire stratification of society is ‘in the making.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had something ‘special’ within me that made it all seem so simple to walk through school,  creating a ‘bipolar’ experience within it such as feeling ‘good’ about it yet ‘bad’ at the same time because why can I have it so easy in getting good grades while others have to go through hell to achieve similar or even less than results?

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live out to such points of recognition with proud and modesty wherein I would later on create the opposite experience when realizing that others could not ever ‘get’ to the same position I was in, which really worried me but I was told not to worry because they were only probably ‘lazy’ or ‘not dedicated enough,’ which is how I accepted and allowed the world of inequality as a direct result of each one’s direct participation, never ever considering the entire set of factors that have ensured that such disparity and polarity exist in this world to continue a system based on friction as in having some deliberately wanting to achieve ‘the best’ all the time and in that, generating the necessary opposition, competition and rivalry that has kept this entire system in its polarized status quo.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop rivalry and consider as ‘enemies’ fellow classmates at a very tender age because of hearing how they were ‘on to get me’ and out of fear I simply made sure that I would not allow them to get into my position not realizing that within that, I was becoming part of the game of competing against each other and being under strenuous pressure and constant anxiety/stress because of fearing that they would eventually get ‘better grades than me.’ I mean now that I see it, it is absolutely exhaustive to even remember how bad it was having to keep up this idea/ image of myself toward others and existing in constant competition.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to apparently stop caring that much about grades while continuing being ‘responsible’ and obtaining good-grades yet developing this ‘opposed’ personality to what I had been as a little girl wherein I deliberately would get ‘down from the top of the hill’ not to an equality level, but below sea level wherein I wanted to be simply ‘normal’ as in being a kid that struggles, that fucks up, that makes mistakes as that seemed to be what everyone was talking, a point of identification between one another  and ‘I’ wanted to be part of that – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop an opposite personality as in seeking degradation and problems as that seemed to be what ‘life was about,’ and in that believing that I was “equalizing” myself with others that didn’t have it as easy as me to walk a life of ‘success’ and recognition.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately sabotage me when and while desiring to be ‘a mortal’ and in such position deliberately place myself within relationships and situations wherein I knew that it was not what is best for all, but I wanted to get ‘my hands dirty’ in the sense of experiencing what others were experiencing and doing just because of having defined my life as dull, secure and perfect.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define ‘normal’ as in having ups and downs and riding the rollercoaster of ‘life’ as desiring love, relationships, being miserable for not having them and essentially creating a pattern of being a ‘regular being’ that has stories to tell about how fucked up ‘life’ apparently is and in that, deliberately stand within relationships that I knew were not ‘best for myself,’ but a part of me desired to be equally fucked up as others, just to know what ‘that’ would be like and how I would experience myself within such misery, which was like a false sense of compassion wherein I actually never really ‘cared’ about others, but only developing my own inner energetic experiences that I realized were equally satisfactorily as when I was ‘on a high’ in success and recognition and ‘happiness,’ I could get the same experience out of being depressed, miserable and essentially submerged into a self created torment that I would feed with music, words, books and people in my world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek to overcome my ‘old me’ through creating an opposite polarity and pattern that went for the exact opposite points that I had defined myself by/ as such as running away from recognition, wanting to stand in the background, wanting to not be ‘seen’ yet defining everything of this experience based on having lived a life in ‘the spotlight’ throughout school years and having tested out what constant competition an desire to keep a certain place was like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge these experiences as ‘petty’ and insignificant when compared to the reality of others, which is the point that lead me to deliberately seek experiences that would seem ‘more real’ for the actual fuckedupness they represented, without realizing that I must expose and walk the ‘good/ positive’ that I have lived as the opposite creation stemming from the inherent negative point that separation creates in our world and reality.

 

So, I was ‘glad’ in a sense that as I went by/ through my school years, that definition of myself as being ‘better than others’ remained only as a judgment that others would mostly impose onto me, I seriously stopped caring as much as I did as a little child because my body was really protesting about my mental obsessions. I’m glad I did hear my mother within that and realizing that I wasn’t only ‘worth’ that which I was able to obtain and ‘be’ in/ at school but that I was worth by who I am as myself – and that did support me to not only value myself as my school grades, but start realizing that I was ‘more’ than just ‘a good student.’

But! What I did is that because I had only lived as the image of ‘the good student’ I sought to be praised valued in ‘other means’ which is how I realized that I had to create relationships outside of school and develop a particular personality wherein I could be ‘valued’ for ‘who I really was’ as the personality that I deliberately created in order to attract/ live/ obtain a certain lifestyle that I learned from books, media that I wanted to mimic – and in this, becoming part of the system that aspires to become something/ someone greater and better and successful in a rather ‘unusual way’ which is how I developed the entire black sheep or alternative-personality that stood out of the usual standards in society as that would make me ‘more special’ and ‘unique,’ not by ‘who I was’ as an apparent intelligent person, but as a ‘beingness’ as a personality – you can read more about that in:  2012 The hard and soft veneers

 

  I commit myself to create and develop educational systems wherein we ensure that each human being is able to get proper education according to their skills and abilities wherein there will be no more ‘grading programs’ that ensue hostility, separation and hierarchical values between kids/ students – it is our responsibility to ensure that all have a proper foundation to develop themselves to the utmost potential. This implies that a great education reform is required, and this can only happen through politics within the framework of the Equal Money System.

 

For further support, visit:

Desteni

Desteni Forum

 

Read great support to understand about who we are and what we have become as humanity

• Day 19 – Rotten Love

• The Secret Energy-Consuming Machine Revealed: DAY 19

Great interviews on the Educational systems and the corrections required to ensure no hierarchies are perpetuated within the educational systems:

• 
  

  How the Education-Systems Filters Humanity

• Apathy control

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  The Inversion of Purpose and Diversion of Life

Must All Test It!

So!

We’ve been busy working with Muscle Testing and the Structural Resonance Alignment which has been fascinating because it is Here for the First time that Ourselves as the Physical is able to communicate to get to know how or where we’re standing within ourselves as our Structural Resonance

The points I’ve been recently working with is compromise/commitment from the starting point of feeling that I’m ‘holding back’  within the point of standing as myself – alone –

So the points that tested out were completely fascinating as it immediately turned on to the definition of ‘commitment’ from a relationship perspective – merely indicates that I’m still existent within this ‘desire’ for a relationship  – yet

Desire is created as a Polarity Manifestation of FEAR – therefore in my mind manifested ‘desire’ for a relationship, I am actually creating a polarity thought based on fearing a relationship –

Digging ‘deeper’ to see which thoughts were related to such points, the thought of ‘man is evil’ came up – within this I realized that I’ve been constantly having thoughts on our ‘nature’ and how we’ve fucked up our existence by our own hand, by our own actions that we’ve placed in motion in complete disregard of LIFE –

So within this, I experienced great sadness last week because of realizing that we’ve missed our ‘chance’ to self realize in an ‘easy way’ – we now have to go through the actual PHYSICAL process which is leading to the same point – yet, we have to face ourselves in this Life and ‘make the best out of it’ because this is IT – we stand or we don’t stand and this is our last shot – within this I felt completely ‘down’ because of realizing how we’ve fucked it all up in such a way that we think we can’t stop – yet we keep creating the system everyday, we keep existing within our own bubbles, in our minds trying to ‘make the best out of it’ without actually snapping out of the very same thoughts that create this experience of ‘ourselves’ as ‘who we think we are’ and ‘how is it that we’re applying ourselves’ –

Real change, real Physical CHANGE exists in every moment of Breath – we know it, yet we’re not doing it – yet we still abuse one another without considering what the fuck is it that we’re really doing in that moment of allowing ourselves to step into one of the multiple patterns that keep dishonesty as our ‘meek nature’ – ‘as it is’ – within this self abuse is tolerated and accepted as part of something that apparently ‘cannot be changed’ – fascinating fuck up

So – I see where the point of ‘man is evil’ comes from – fearing one another, seeing that if we are the real evil and we’ve created this place as our image and likeness -then no one can be trusted, then we are all fucked up and there’s no way out within my thought patterns without seeing that within this thoughts I am creating my own demise –

Therefore, in the ‘commitment’ a Fear of ‘men is evil’ comes within the consideration of ‘how can I stand as myself If I see myself as Evil – as a complete fuck up within this world ‘ – and how could I possibly walk through this with another who is also an ‘evil man’ as me  – which are still thoughts that are completely unnecessary from the perspective that I’m judging myself within this, and making myself as ‘incapable’ of standing up – self defeated by conscious thoughts of ‘we’re a fuck up, we’re a mess, we’re fucking scum, there’s no way we’re going to go through this’ – without realizing that these are thoughts created by the mind  – instead of standing only here as Breath as LIFE direct, to the point, no thought, no judgment, no compounded information allowing me to feel ‘overwhelmed’ by what’s going on – because at the moment we live in our own ‘worlds’ where we’re not aware of people being abused, raped or murdered – they don’t exist within our ‘reality’ yet they are us as we are all One –  So – within clearing the points, I realized that I’ve been consciously creating these experiences by constant thoughts as information which merely support this ‘self defeated’ experience within myself of ‘oh we as humanity are not going to make it’ –

It was interesting seeing that the sadness wasn’t experience from a personal experience, but seeing humanity as a whole and where we’ve lead us to –

Now, it is very cool that we are giving the first steps to begin connecting with our Physical Body and actually being able to correct our experiences which are created by a thought and manifested as our physical body – which is actually the point of getting to know what we are working with and from there, stand, realize and support ourselves as ourselves – alone – to realize who we really are when there are no more ‘experiences’ happening to us -but instead becoming the directive principle of ourselves within the starting point of what’s best for ALL

So committing to myself is establishing myself as who I really am beyond limitations of any kind as thoughts, emotions, feelings – fascinating how the body cannot fuck with you and is actually able to ‘bring out’ the shit that we usually suppress out of various limitations that we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become – interesting – fascinating –

Testing others has been fucking amazing as well as each word, each thought, pattern is related to their previous tests and sessions – which is merely confirming the point of actual communication with the body for the first time in an instant communication response through the Muscle – fascinating

Muscle -Must all Tes!