439. Perfectionist? Me?

 

Where and how have I lived the words perfect, perfectionist and perfectionism in my life?

 

This is an interesting thing to ask because for the most part in my conscious thoughts, I have regarded the ‘craving’ for perfection as something that ‘most people do’ – read: ‘this is what I grew up with in my environment of course’ – therefore in my decision/condition and pattern of going ‘against the tide’ – read ‘against the family patterns’ – that I developed throughout my younger years, I tried to do things in an almost deliberately flawed manner when it came to how I express myself, what would make me ‘unique’ so to speak. In art school for example, the more I would see others strived for drawing the most perfect lines of a human body, I simply continued doing my quirky curvy lines almost in a statement of ‘I don’t care about perfection’ – again the ‘rebel’ mode – which was a way to also hide the fact that I acknowledged the actual work, focus, practice that it would take to do something actually ‘perfect’ which would mean flawless, looking exactly like the person in front of me – in the case of the drawing. Did I challenge myself to do it? Yes I did, but still regarded that it was not my ‘style’ or ‘aim’ to make things perfect, there’s too much of that in the world, I said, so I kept doing it ‘my way’. I actually instead used the traditional techniques in some of my work literally ‘screw them’ to a point of mistake or accidents that could create more unpredictable and rather messy results… so, it was a controlled process of course – can’t fool too much around when working with metal plates and acids and big machines – but! still I wasn’t ever really aiming for the normal perception of ‘perfection’ in that, but the opposite.

Same with how I have my immediate surroundings. Some 10 years ago I was about to become a control freak in relation to cleanliness and basically wanting everything around me to always be spotless and in order. I have definitely slowed down on that and accepted that my life is not meant to be a ‘museum’ of sorts, it also assisted me to lower my ‘visual viciousness’ I had wherein I would get a kick out of everything that would look in some perfect arrangement, specific colors, specific objects around me etc. I guess that moving to various places to live and also going to live in a farm for one year made me reconsider what kind of ‘traits’ I had which were not of a practical purpose and moderated that to a manageable trait. I care not if I have a mess around me even though I still know – for the most part – where things are.  With my clothes, I also don’t seek perfection either, rather comfort, simplicity and sure some ‘style’ but again has nothing to do with ‘no wrinkles’ on clothes or stuff like that…. Some specificity sure but not an ‘ideal image’ in place.

I can instead also recognize the ‘aversion’ I had toward the word perfect mostly stemming from what I would see around me at home, always the desire for everything to look arranged, perfect, coming out well or with the best outcomes in anything, almost in an anxious manner… so that’s why in my pattern of ‘rebelling’ against all things, I mostly would be the one that caused some reactions in my family because of having things just all over the place most of the time. When I started living alone some 10 years ago, that’s when I went into the opposite side of now becoming more like people in my family – striving for perfection at home – yet scaled it up to an almost frightening notch, flirting a bit with obsessive compulsive attitudes. This I was able to ‘control’ in relation to me, myself, my things, my cleanliness and so forth, but! There is an aspect that I certainly have lived it in and this has been pointed out to me lately precisely by my mother in our every now and then interactions.

This is living the word ‘perfect’ as an expectation of how things ( I think ‘should’ be) can be in interactions with people in the outside world. Within the consideration of ‘how things would work best for everyone’ I am constantly in the lookout for doing things as efficiently as possible when it comes to doing something for someone else, something related to work, something related to how I interact or behave in a public space, can be on the streets, at the shop, transportation, in any given situation where I can see a possibility of me doing something to better the situation, to make things run smoothly, to give space to others… at times yes a bit of sacrificing myself is applied in order to give to others or benefit others, even though I’ve been working as well on myself for the past couple of years precisely to not go too much on that side of ‘serving’ only and forget about myself.

Maybe upon reading this I consider “well! That’s how everyone should do and be and we would have a great functional and smooth-coexisting world/society/reality!” But the reality is that when this need to create a ‘perfect’ situation or the most ‘optimal’ and ‘efficient’ situation for others and myself comes with a pinch of anxiety or need to ‘control’ something in order to achieve a desired outcome that comes up with this sense of ‘urgency’ of doing it as fast as possible to not bother others or to ‘benefit’ others or to create a smooth transition of anything for others, then I am in fact not being here as breath and considering the same efficiency or best possible outcomes within stability, there is this experience behind it which surely has become automated for the most part which means: I don’t need to ‘think’ about it, it’s become a ‘natural’ thing to do. I have also seen how this pattern particularly kicks in with double strength when I am around people that I have considered – or assess after some short time of being around them – that they are ‘slow’ or ‘not so efficient’ or a bit ‘clumsy’ or see that they are not entirely ‘considerate of others’ therefore I step in almost pushing too much the point of ‘being an example’ to them in certain moments, or being that ‘awareness’ that I see they might be lacking in a moment, which comes with a tension, an extra ‘strength’ that can have adverse effects.

Here I will use the case of me towards my mother wherein she is quite lax about things and I tend to go into this ‘drive’ of doing things in a very specific, efficient, yet ‘smooth’ way in order to – in my perception – contribute to making things better in general. However what has happened is that, for example, if she is driving and suddenly she’s about to go into a parking spot, and realizes that’s not the entrance, I immediately go into seeing the rest of the cars behind and tell her with a loud voice that she’s causing a mess of traffic now, that she must just get into the wrong spot so that she can let others pass!… all of this in a rushed manner only thinking about ‘the problem’ that she must be causing To others. But in that split of a moment, I didn’t at all consider how I actually caused her to get nervous and panicky about the situation, because I got in such a state in one single moment when looking at how we could immediately ‘sort out the problem for others behind us.’ So my mother said that they must wait, because she wanted to get to the right entrance. After she got it right and we parked, she said how I immediately went into this exalted state just because of caring too much about the ones behind us, without realizing how tense she got because of my reaction, which could have caused more consequences if she would have acted in a rush and getting into an edgy spot with the car.

Afterward that day at the supermarket, same thing happened with the trolley where she would leave it wherever and I would get slightly annoyed or preoccupied about the trolley becoming an obstacle for other shoppers, and in that almost coming through toward my mother with a reclamation of ‘why did you leave it there, don’t you see others want to pass through the aisle as well?’ and so this was a second time in that day; but it had happened before where I have gone into recriminating her and others whenever something is not exactly as I expected it to be, even if upon assessing ‘the problem’ it was in fact a lack of communication, misunderstanding, assumption and general ‘rush’ that I tend to go into.

This has to do mostly with ‘doings’ as in things that relate to processes, environments, services that pertain to ‘giving a service to others’, cleaning, cooking, team work, walking in the street as a pedestrian which is a relationship of myself and the cars, etc. Which means it is ‘there’ in every day situations yet not every time do I get equally exalted, because there is a ‘sameness’ as well existent in this consideration with the person I live with – but, it does come up with others that are not in the same ‘stance’ in relation to these things and I definitely should not judge them either, but be flexible and considerate of their perspective/view and way of living things, as long as they are not entirely wrecking themselves or others’ lives and I can suggest something to correct about it, but in essence: can’t ever change another, that’s a fact.

It also seems to come from the need to ‘control’ the situation wherein I tend to get a point of satisfaction or ‘completion’ within me when schedules are fulfilled as I expected them, when things are done in the way that I planned them, when my interaction with others in the world can lead to a more efficient or better outcome = all of this I have actually charged with a positive value, and it has a lot to do with how ‘others can benefit from it’ as well, but not always. There are also my own ‘pet peeves’ where I seek to have control over certain ‘ways to do things’ wherein I forget to be flexible, yet I have been working with this word ‘flexibility’ in order to precisely not turn into a control freak, but according to feedback I get from my partner, it seems it still is there as a set of ‘unspoken rules’ that I tend to react to if not done in that manner. I realize this and continue to work on it, which means I need to apply more awareness in those ‘auto-mode’ moments, be more attentive.

So, as I can see, probably living with me and being with me in a constant manner can be quite a challenge where I can end up stressing people around me if things are not done in a particular way or if there’s just too much of a mess that I cannot control or keep track of, and this doesn’t happen much at home since I live with someone that is actually quite similar and specific to my traits, so it is something that comes up mostly when interacting with someone like my mother that is definitely the contrast point in our family where my sisters, father and I seem to have the same ‘perfectionist’ relationship toward everything around us. She does have it as well but mostly when it comes to reunions/parties where there’s many others to receive at home, but that’s about it.

This is a tricky point because I have rationalized as in ‘realized’ that I cannot control things, that I require to be flexible, that I don’t have to get all flustered by mistakes or ‘things’ that don’t come up as expected in my day to day, or when I don’t get the expected result of something where others are meant to ‘do their part’ – and this is where I’ve kept the word ‘flexibility’ in mind and it has gotten ‘better,’ but there’s always room for improvement for sure as my reality has demonstrated to me.

So, what is the solution? It’s certainly Not to say ‘Ah I should just stop caring about it all and do my own thing in whichever way I can and let everything just ‘fall’ by itself’ because that would be going into an extreme or polarity. Here it is mostly to investigate what lies behind my desire to have certain things be ‘perfect’ in my life/reality when it comes to ‘doings’ that are related to others in my environment. It has to do with the previously mentioned ‘satisfaction’ or sense of security that I’d get from ‘getting things done in the most apt/perfect possible way’, that ‘kick’ that I developed probably from doing things the way my father expected me to do and when he would approve with words like ‘That’s right, good’ it was like being less of an obstacle or a nuisance in how I knew that he wanted things to be done around the house for example. The opposite polarity or outcome of not doing so? Anxiousness, nervousness, tension and general fear from not doing things ‘perfectly’ or to the T as he would expect, or messing things up which I actually at a later stage learned to be ‘ok’ with in his presence, but these kind of reactions did certainly get recorded or engraved in the way that I deal with things, mostly remembering the sounds he would make when things would ‘fit’ just perfectly in the food cupboard after coming from supermarket, or when I would go with him to supermarket and he would always move accurately, fast and efficiently getting all the stuff in no time and so being just ‘precise’ in how he does things,  that kind of father that would get you the stuff that you were about to empty up because he was aware of it and bought one just so that you don’t have to go ‘without any’!

So, these points I have linked with security, comfort, even enjoyment when things just ‘go right’ and ‘fit perfectly’ and are ‘solved in no time’ – but! The thing is I never really pondered “Hmm, well if I get a kick out of getting things right, perfect, efficiently and accurately, then what is the opposite polarity of it, what kind of fears are hidden behind this?” No! I never really have questioned that because in my mind, this is ‘the way’ that everyone should be and this way the world would be just ‘best for everyone’! and surely, I still see that If I remove my fears of fucking things up, being an obstacle to others, being a nuisance, messing things that were previously ‘right’ or not giving to others the expected service/result, and instead do things in an apt and efficient manner as I know I can do, without fearing making mistakes, without fearing making others ‘wait’ or have the experience of ‘extra energy’ to it, without getting essentially angry or flustered about it, or ‘panicky’ about things, it surely can be a way in which one can be considerate of oneself and others around, generally assessing potentials for improvements, seeing efficiency as a process in which things can be done with reasonable effort, in stability and considering all parts involved, with a leeway or flexibility for trial and errors as well.

This would mean that in the example of me telling my mother to ‘get off the way’ to let others pass behind her in this exalted manner, this would can be now turned into a realization that: Ok we are in a ‘catch 22’ she cannot go further or she crashes the car, therefore she does have to take some time to go back and then drive into the right entrance, which means that surely the drivers behind might not be able to advance for a few seconds, they might not be ‘happy’ about it but, it could also happen to them and I’m sure that my mother would be understanding of that…. In theory – lol – because the pattern is that most people get very anxious and flustered whenever someone makes us ‘waste time’ when driving somewhere. However, this is then something that can be brought up in response to ‘asking for others time’ when being in a tricky situation, and so be flexible and considerate when others are in the same ‘catch 22’ situation.

Most of my reactions have to do with time in fact, and linking efficiency with doing things in ‘no time’ or the ‘fastest possible’ and if possible, leaving ‘no trace’ at all, not being a ‘bother’ to others, or making others ‘do what I should have done’ – which again, makes sense in a certain way but when it becomes almost a constant paranoia when being around others or in particular environments or responsibilities that affect others, it can come through with some of that fear behind it that is expressed in tension, in a rush that can at the same time be perceived by others as this ‘extra charge’ and so get equally tense or anxious and stressed out which is then not at all the way to actually ‘be efficient’ and care for others’ wellbeing.

Therefore there is a balance needed where I realize that the ‘efficiency’ I can get most of the times has to do with a few seconds to a couple of minutes of doing things, sometimes hours and that is ok because we live in a world where we can’t control everything and everyone else to ‘get things right’ or ‘fast’ all the time; to realize that not everyone is in the ‘same rush’ as I perceive they are – or to realize that I am in fact the ‘rushy’ one all the time – and to realize that many times solutions – even if considering the whole situation – might not always come out in a way that makes ‘everyone happy’ as in realizing that I cannot always ‘please’ or ‘benefit’ others the way I would like to, which comes from a genuine spot in me of actually wanting the world/things to work the best way for everyone. I truly no longer do it for the sake of ‘being recognized’ in an ego manner, but more in that sense of sure, being an example of how things can work or be done, but this can still be coming through with a ‘pushy’ manner which can lead to opposite results, like the arguments I had with my mother when coming to realize what I was doing and wasn’t aware of, and kept doing while she was explaining this pattern to me, such as quickly pointing out to her that ‘hey the green is on, go!’ just because of having the consideration in the background of ‘we’re making others waste their time if you don’t step on gas!” as if hell was going to break lose for those seconds lost, which doesn’t make sense, but it also as to do with preventing honking and people from calling you names for being slow in such situations so yeah, a fear there as well on ‘affecting others’ but also preventing some further conflicts or ‘name callings’ and such. Better be ‘slow’ in these situations as a precaution, instead of rushing and ending up squashed on the car on the front.

I have also seen how this same point comes up when being in someone else’s car and if they are not the ‘fast and accurate’ drivers, then I start getting tense for them going with low speed in the high-speed lane, or for not realizing that there’s people behind them that need some space to cross and things like that. What happens is that because I create an idea of ‘what I would do’ in such situations and so because of not getting the ‘expected result,’ I go into this tension because of seeing that others are not considering others the same way I would, and pondering if I should bring it up or not as a point to become aware of, or if I’ll come off as too demanding or bossy or intransigent or plain neurotic.

These are all things I’ll for sure keep working on to create a balance in it. A practical solution I’ve been applying since this point was brought forth to my attention some 2-3 weeks ago is to deliberately ‘let it be’ or ‘let it pass’ in times when I in that moment assess that ‘me bringing up this ‘desired outcome’ is only a point of personal preference’ or if I see that there can be some flexibility applied in the situation. Some other times I have still brought up the ‘old’ pattern of getting a short-fuse temper situation toward cars while walking such as them not stopping to allow me to cross or going to fast in a yellow light and so forth, it’s at times baffling how automated my behavior can be, but it is that, just an automated aspect that requires a notch up of slowing down and living attention which I just see I can apply as ‘a-tension’ or ‘a=without tension’ which allows me to create attention – as in being stable – observing the situation, surely continuing to see what are best ways to ‘follow through’ with something but making sure I am not ‘tensing up’ about it, but being considerate, flexible and add a pinch of ‘letting be’ to it, which is more aligned with the ‘flow of life’ like the series about Perfectionism from Eqafe explained, which are a real gift to someone like me that had not entirely investigated what was behind this need for ‘perfection’ or had even identified this ‘knack’ for perfectionism in a form of control, yet having some extra ‘energy’ there disguised as an efficient/perfect outcome for myself and others.

So, I conclude that there is a requirement for a balance within this. I realize that I have automated almost this ‘holistic observer’ mode where I am constantly aware of things not only in my immediate surroundings but in general on the ‘outside of myself’ as well, almost in a natural manner if I can call it that, aiming at things being efficiently done, getting them done, consider others, consider best for all outcomes and so forth. But! I can certainly turn a notch down in the ‘how’ I live this, which is without the fear of ‘losing control’, without going into short-fuse temper or anger, or irritation if something goes wrong or if mistakes are made, or if others are not as considerate as I see the potential could be, but to understand that I can only be the example of this myself and live it in equanimity. This implies as well to not be so exigent toward others to ‘learn from me and do it!’ but to realize it’s been an entire process for me to, till this day, to change behaviors, patterns and reactions in me. I still keep working on many ingrained patterns that I was most likely going to become in a ‘full-fledged’ manner if following the patterns acquired from family and so forth, which is why I am always grateful for when it comes to walking this process of self change for some 8 years now and it’s awesome to keep discovering points like this one on ‘perfectionism’ that had to be brought to my attention, which I am usually grateful for as I’ve expressed in these blogs throughout time.

 

Will keep an eye on how I continue developing my moderation on this point, and will share if new dimensions open up around this one.

Thanks for reading

&

Check out the series

Perfection: The (un)Holy Trinity

 

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434. Hissy-Fit: Trance-Ending it.

 

Yesterday I noticed an interesting pattern that I had probably not seen with as much detail as before, simply because there has been a tendency to allow the kind of ‘short fuse’ situations to become a normalcy, especially when walking in the city.

So the story goes this way: it rained a lot the past days and puddles were around many places. I was walking with my partner in the middle of crossing one big avenue when I saw that the lights were red and so, it was time to cross in a short period of time – this city is not designed for pedestrians to begin with – which prompted me to give a bit of a jump and cross. I did not communicate this to him, which caused him to give a sudden jump into one area where there was a large puddle of watery mud. This simple event led me into an immediate experience of being pissed off or irritated, seeing it as ‘stupid’ that such thing could have happened. I started saying out loud to him ‘Didn’t you see where you were stepping? I’ve told you before to watch your step in these fucked up sidewalks!’ because that’s a reality, there’s no smooth ‘walk’ in the city that you can just go walking looking straight ahead of you, because not many places are even/ properly built and/or with wires sticking out, holes, etc.  Even though we were not in a hurry, I noticed that I got flustered about it. Here it is to see that even before asking if he was alright or if he had twisted his ankle or something, to me it was like immediately pointing out what he should have done or how ‘foolish’ the situation was, in a way implying that ‘this should not be happening to us right now.’

As we kept walking, he would stopped twice to clean the shoes and his sock, so at some point I said to him we should instead just sit in a place so that he can properly, clean the shoe, check his foot etc. But my tonality was of course already coming with this harshness, to which he asked if I was pissed, and laughing a bit out of it. It’s great because he usually just don’t follow with my every now and then bursts of whatever fit I tend to create, he just points it out and that moment I realized what I was doing. I reminded me of what I had written just hours before and applied precisely the point that I had written on not being hard on others, to be considerate, to be humble, to be patient.

So I ‘stepped down of my fit’ and said ‘ geez, yes, I got pissed but there’s no reason for it! Why am I even pissed! I should instead first ask if you are ok, if your foot is ok.’ So, it took a simple moment to question this sudden hissy fit, to then immediately see ‘wait, what am I pissed off about? This doesn’t even make sense!’ So, again, I apologized and then as we kept walking I was able to see the whole point being mostly a pattern I’ve seen or witnessed in my father. Whenever my mother would do something ‘less than perfect’ especially while traveling, moving or being out and about, he would point it out to her with certain anger/annoyance, almost in a way wanting her to know that ‘she’d fucked up,’ in a way it is like scolding. Actually now I remember that my partner pointed out exactly the point that made me see this precise pattern, something around the lines of ‘What is it? You cannot tolerate that which messes up your status-quo, is it unacceptable?’ And so I was able to see that, yes, anything that ruins this ‘perfected idea’ of what our walk in that moment was going to be got ‘screwed up.’

So, I completely stepped down of the experience as I saw how abusive it was. Is this at all something acceptable? Absolutely not, I could even get embarrassed from admitting I can get flustered about things like this; though this emerged, lasted some ten minutes because through communicating and doing my own ‘introspection’ in the moment, I was able to see the reason for it, the ‘learned behavior’ and this ‘perfectionism’ that makes me cringe every time something unexpected happens.

Then after some minutes I explained this point to my partner, how I need to be flexible when things don’t go as expected and how there is no reason to get pissed at it and instead focus on practical matters – like checking he’s physically doing alright. One supportive thing is that he doesn’t hold a grudge for it or changes the way he addresses me for it, we have learned throughout the various months of living together to not hold on to a moment of reactions, but to rather speak through it, get to an understanding, and a future consideration to prevent further moments like this.

From my perspective this kind of behavior is more of a physical and automated response that contains almost no thoughts, just sudden ‘pissed-offness’ that I wasn’t able to pin point at first when only remaining in an experience. It was through communication and then doing some further ‘inner-research’ that I was able to understand it. Yet what is most important is the ability to let go of the experience in the moment, to relax the body, to ensure all is clear in relation to the situation and keep on with the day, not holding onto it at all, but understanding the reaction and ensuring one gets to establish principles, words and corrections for any other ‘occasion’ this or any other similar point could show up.

I also see the benefit of voicing the words, the considerations for any other time or moment where something ‘unexpected’ happens, this means sharing with whomever you are so that we hold ourselves to our word with others that are close to us as well, and create an all-around learning process from it, instead of allowing it to ‘ruin’ a moment for a petty situation.

 

 

Check out:

Life Review – Short Fused Temper Tantrums

 

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116. Dreams of Perfect Lives as Mind Control

Self Forgiveness and further realization about how we have accepted the expression such as ‘Follow your dreams’ to define our current life as either successful/ not successful based on the imaginary future projection that we created at some point early on in our lives, wherein we complied to that single question of ‘What do you want to be and become when you grow up?’ wherein the question itself would already suggest that we could do whatever we wanted with ourselves and our future to satisfy our personal desires and preferences, never really taking into consideration that we are all here in this world, living the consequences of everyone seeking our own personal pleasures and ‘happiness’ without considering at all who and what we abuse and neglect while we are very busing building our own little castle of our ‘perfect future,’ which can only be manifested if we have enough money to do so.

Though, we’ve held these‘memories as pillars to create the characters  that we spend our entire lives trying to fulfill, which is once again, trying to match a dream/ imaginary future projection mind creation to a physical reality that is governed by an economic system that does not support all beings equally.  This can be read and understood in the blogs Heaven’s Journey to Life  and also Creation’s Journey to Life.

“The dreams will determine where you are within process – what’s still suppressed/hidden and require more focus and what you’re realising/transcending – so, basically all aspects of your process you’ll see in dreams or a specific point that require direction” – Sunette Spies

 

I have been having dreams and sometimes I have even desired to ‘keep dreaming’ just because of how entertaining it is, which indicates that I am still allowing the point of entertainment to be a driving force, which is obviously creating an illusion of me experiencing something ‘more’ than myself here, which is ludicrous when we consider how we are in fact only lying on a bed with our eyes closed and ‘having a ball’ in our minds. Well, that’s no different to how we go through our lives

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Dreams Look so Real, as Dreams are Formed from the Same Substance that forms Characters, and the Dreams as Character as Memories are the Only Reality yet known to Man, and because of that, Man cannot Determine the Difference Between Actual Reality and the Dreamstate of illusion on which Consciousness is based.” – Bernard Poolman
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-115-dream-evolution-2012_7.html

 

There’s also times wherein the situations are quite ‘mundane’ and it’s as if I am still seeking to keep dreaming to see ‘where does it all lead to’ – and the most ‘extreme cases’ are when I have seen myself just wanting to keep dreaming because it is ‘more entertaining than real life’ which is is part of how we function as human beings, always seeking to be living within the ‘moreness’ that exists as an illusion in our minds, having nothing to do with the actual physical reality.

“The dream shows that your version of reality you so much dislike and how to sort it out is not clear. Do self forgiveness on judgments of how you see people and your perception that you are somehow more than those that seem blind. Also that you have no clear directive understanding on how to clear and direct reality in a way that is best for all –dissect the dream to remove all limited views”

“ALL DREAMS and everything/everyone in it – reflect SELF, it’s never about the person in the dream, that person will represent a part/aspect of you
Cause only you are in your MIND, there ain’t anyone else in there – so whatever goes on in there – is ALL YOU” – Anu

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the common belief of me having to ‘follow my dreams’ when I was a child, wherein the moment I was asked ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ and later on ‘Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?’ I allowed myself to project myself with all my ‘dreams come true’ which were primarily based on being a writer, an artist someone that was ‘famous’ and would be able to make enough money to live with luxuries in the top of a building in some important city like New York City, which became me following the idea of what an ‘American Dream’ would be like, which is how I drove myself to spend my time working on what was necessary for me to become a music-review writer, as that was one of the ‘dreams’ I had – as well as being an artist or any other ‘important person’ that could step out of the ‘ordinary’ experiences in life, which is how I directed myself to build and sculpt my personality according to my ‘dreams’ and my desires, which is how the moment that we keep such dreams in place, everything else will seem quite ‘mundane,’ and if we don’t get to ‘fulfill our dreams,’ our life seems like a waste and a failure –

However, I didn’t realize how my dreams were only that: an imaginary process that I indulged myself in without taking into consideration the physical, practical reality and the actual current conditions in which our dreams are definitely not able to be ‘fulfilled’ as easy as we imagine them to be, without realizing how we see them as ‘possible’ simply by our cultural input of ‘follow your dreams’ and believing that this world is made for us to ‘conquer it,’ which is nothing else but absolute brainwash to keep each being bound to one-single-dream, and if this one-single-dream is not fulfilled, we go into the downward spiral believing that we are not ‘good enough’ to accomplish it, that we were not the ‘chosen ones’ that could be benefitted with having such a ‘good lifestyle’ the same as what we see on the media in relation to famous people.

 

When and as I see myself comparing my current life to that of my ‘dreams’ when I was a teenager and that 10 years later I was supposed to be ‘living out’ and going into an experience of me ‘missing out on life,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that such dreams were never ever real and that I was just complying to what I was taught to ‘think about’ in school in order for us to always aspire to be and become ‘the next great successful person’ that could play out being just another example of what ‘making your dreams come true’ would mean, in order to instigate the same type of idealism within others. I see and realize that All dreams as positive life-style experiences are based upon abuse as there can exist no positive experience  at the moment in this world that is not leaving another behind, and this is clearly obvious within our current monetary system wherein we have defined ‘happiness’ and ‘dreams’ based on having money and being ‘more’ than others within a world system wherein wealth stems directly from the abuse of other beings’ lives.

 

Thus I see and realize that me thinking and believing that ‘My dreams didn’t come true’ is an actuality and a realization within the consideration that I had only allowed myself to create such imaginary scenarios as a ‘potential outcome’ within my life, just because of how ‘good’ it felt to do so – yet I never really considered or even walked the actual path to get there, which is how I mostly hoped that all of it could develop by some type of ‘fate’ that I was supposed to live, without realizing how this is precisely the trap that we have all indulged in at some point in our lives, leading us to actually always hold such dreams as the ‘aim’ and ‘goal’ for a lifetime without actually taking the practical steps to do so in physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself want to continue dreaming and therefore sleeping in order to continue experiencing that which I deem in one moment as ‘more entertaining than real life,’ wherein I then give into the mind’s experience of whatever it is that I am doing in order to satisfy a positive energy experience that I have defined as being ‘more’ than myself here, without realizing that it is such experiences that instigate a positive experience within me that which becomes the hooks to keep me bound to one single desire/ hope/ dream that I hold on to as a ‘potential outcome’ in my reality, without realizing how within keeping this point in the future as a potential successful achievement, I am in fact binding myself to only search and look for that one point that I have defined as the ‘moreness’ of myself, without considering how I have been in fact the creator of such separation the moment that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can in fact experience any form of ‘moreness’ within and as myself.

 

When and as I see myself waking up and realizing that I am having a ‘cool dream’ wherein I want to ‘keep dreaming,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this very moment I am giving into the ‘positive experience’ in my mind when and while dreaming wherein all that I am stating is: I decide to live a positive energy experience instead of myself being awake and self directive in the physical reality moment, which is unacceptable. Thus I direct myself to immediately take a deep breath and step out of the bed in order to instead write and walk through the dream point in order to establish what it is that I am still ‘falling for’ as a positive experience that me as my mind is showing/ revealing to me in order to see where it is that I am still allowing myself to ‘follow a dream’ instead of me being self-directive here as breath.

 

I realize that such positive experiences in dreams are based on the ‘adventures’ and ‘positive experiences’ that I had created according to the various characters that I vowed myself to be and become in this world, wherein the dream thus becomes an actual point of support for me to face that which I am not being able to face in real life at the moment – therefore I direct myself to be and become aware of my dreams in order to walk them as a point of self-support instead of actually giving into the experience and wanting to elongate the dream just to continue experiencing myself in such a ‘thrill’ in my mind when and as dreaming.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in my dream, try to find the ‘gist’ of the dream wherein I am actually seeking to get to a climax experience within it, which often doesn’t manifest, revealing to me how there is still a pinch of hope and desire to have a positive experience in my life, which is what is still influencing myself in moments wherein I compare such positive experiences as my mind with the dreams that I have created and held within my mind in order to believe that ‘someday’ it will manifest or that ‘someday’ I will finally be and become such ‘moreness’ experience, which is not real in any way way whatsoever, and is instead one of the primary points wherein we give into the mind in order to maintain this one single point in separation of ourselves.

 

When and as I see myself trying to find and attain that ‘positive experience’ within my dreams, I stop and I breathe – I realize that me still being ‘looking for’ and ‘searching for’ that one positive experience in my dreams is still an indication of still holding dreams, secrets as positive experiences that I have bound myself to in order to have this ‘backdoor’ that creates this experience at times of my life not being ‘as thrilling’ as my dreams, which is why and how we go through our lives believing ourselves to be ‘less than’ and ‘unsuccessful,’ just because of how we were taught to always ‘follow our dreams’ and do everything we could to fulfill such positive experience in our lives, which is what we then use as a measuring point to see ‘where we’re at’ in relation to such high stakes, eventually always concluding that we are not in fact ‘good enough,’ thus considering ourselves a failure based on an imaginary outcome that was self created.

 

This is how I see and realize that we go comparing ourselves to such delusional ‘goals’ as ‘our dreams’ in life which were always only considering our own benefit, our own ‘feeling good’ experiences but never ever really taking into consideration how we could actually walk our lives in order to actually make such dreams come true Within the consideration of what is best for all life, which would imply that all our hopes, all our dreams, all our desires that kept self interest in place would have to be re-aligned to an outcome and direction that can benefit all beings in this reality within and as the principle of Equality as Life, as I see, realize and understand that the world is a consequential outflow of everyone following their ‘dreams’ and wanting ‘OUR dream to come true,’ wherein we are willing to compete, fight and deceive others in order to get to our desired outcome.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to foolishly compare my current life to that of my ‘dreamed life’ which was always only this literal imaginary projection of myself doing what I made myself believe I was ‘good at’ and what I really ‘wanted to be’ when I grow up, without realizing that our dreams would always look much better and ‘brighter’ in our imagination than the actual reality of it, which is how and why we then create a negative or a ‘lesser experience’ within ourselves because we compare such positive-fulfilling-bright imaginary future projection toward our own living-reality that we then judge as dull, unfulfilling, sad, boring and unexciting, which is the perfect trap for us to then always seek ways and means to achieve such apparent plausible positive experience which translates to living a life of consumerism, of doing all we can to have more money, to get the ultimate relationship, to ‘get the most of the cake’ without stopping to look at how it is that such ability to ‘seek for more’ within an ambitious-surivalism type of experience can only exist within people that already have money and already know what ‘money can buy,’ whereas ¾ of humanity do not have such ability to even ‘dream’ of having a constant and stable living condition in their world, wherein their dream is to have a clean toilet and running water from a tap, which is how this places into context how deluded and actually abusive our dreams of ‘fame and fortune’ actually are, wherein we neglect the lives of the majority of beings that are Also ourselves and that we placidly ignore in order to just focus on ‘our dreams,’ and never even considering that such dreams should be Equally available and possible for all.

 

Thus I commit myself to stop following any form of positive experience in my dreams, as I see and realize that this is the perfect trap to keep me bound to one-single-point as a minute ‘positive experience’ that I am following in my dreams, such as the desire to be somewhere else, to be someone else, to have ‘more’ than what I have which is only reflecting how we have projected such dreams and desires into a media that we feed ourselves with, eventually weaving our own spider web trap of ‘unattainable desires,’ simply because we have dared to make money as that ability to abuse others in order to manifest/ materialize such ‘positive experience’ which in our current world and society translates to having all the money in the world to buy it.

 

Instead, I commit myself to establish a world system wherein Life is equally valued, where our only ‘dream’ stands as an actual ability to give to each other what we want for ourselves which is a practical way to manifest our dreams/ our heaven on Earth within a system that is actually able to be implemented in this world without having to even ‘dream’ about it, but simply through deciding that money can be valued as Life and as such giving Equal Money for all to live the best way that is possible for all beings on Earth, as I see and realize that we have only separated ourselves from our fullest potential as humanity because of binding ourselves to a system that was inherently designed to only benefit some while leaving a vast majority out of the ‘happiness loop’ that money creates for those in elitist positions.

I see and realize that we are here educating ourselves about how our dreams have become the greatest obstacle to actually implement, manifest and practically work to create a world that is best for all, because we accepted and allowed ourselves to believe that we could in fact ‘make our dreams come true,’ never realizing how this was the actual trap that we bind ourselves to without realizing that We are the ones that Decide if we actually create the world of our dreams or not where every single being can be Equally supported to live the life that we all want for ourselves/ each other in this world.

It is never too late as long as we are still breathing here – no more Waiting, we are Here and perfectly capable of walking the necessary steps to realize how life can only thrive in Equality.

Let’s Do it.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Dreams will be of Great Assistance from 2012 Onwards for those in the Journey to Life, to Realize where Illusion is still in Control of Determining the Future Self and thus the Future of Life on Earth, and that Each Dream must be TIMELINED and Dissected to find the Motivating Characterization and to Remove this, so that one Can Return to the Actual Reality of the Physical World and Leave Dreams to where they Belong, as Illusions.” – Bernard Poolman*

 

Very supportive Life Reviews to realize and understand how ‘Following our dreams’ has not been aligned to an actual physical reality within our current context wherein the opportunities to achieve our ultimate ‘goals’ is not a certainty and most of the times, cannot even be fulfilled within a world wherein Inequality is all that has prevailed – we are the change that the world requires:

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  Life Review – Obsessed with My Future

• Life Review – Losing Sight of Life

• Life Review – Waiting for my Life to Happen

• Life Review – Compromising dreams for Money

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  Life Review – Obsessed with My Future

 

Blogs:

• Day 116: Re-Defining Words to Living Words

• Sub-Character Creation – Part 4 (Self-Commitments): DAY 116

 

Vlog on Equal Money System 

• 2012 What Makes the Equal Money System Different?

Watch The Trap, The Century of the Self and Psywar