Tag Archives: perfectionism

439. Perfectionist? Me?

 

1. Caos

Where and how have I lived the words perfect, perfectionist and perfectionism in my life?

 

This is an interesting thing to ask because for the most part in my conscious thoughts, I have regarded the ‘craving’ for perfection as something that ‘most people do’ – read: ‘this is what I grew up with in my environment of course’ – therefore in my decision/condition and pattern of going ‘against the tide’ – read ‘against the family patterns’ – that I developed throughout my younger years, I tried to do things in an almost deliberately flawed manner when it came to how I express myself, what would make me ‘unique’ so to speak. In art school for example, the more I would see others strived for drawing the most perfect lines of a human body, I simply continued doing my quirky curvy lines almost in a statement of ‘I don’t care about perfection’ – again the ‘rebel’ mode – which was a way to also hide the fact that I acknowledged the actual work, focus, practice that it would take to do something actually ‘perfect’ which would mean flawless, looking exactly like the person in front of me – in the case of the drawing. Did I challenge myself to do it? Yes I did, but still regarded that it was not my ‘style’ or ‘aim’ to make things perfect, there’s too much of that in the world, I said, so I kept doing it ‘my way’. I actually instead used the traditional techniques in some of my work literally ‘screw them’ to a point of mistake or accidents that could create more unpredictable and rather messy results… so, it was a controlled process of course – can’t fool too much around when working with metal plates and acids and big machines – but! still I wasn’t ever really aiming for the normal perception of ‘perfection’ in that, but the opposite.

Same with how I have my immediate surroundings. Some 10 years ago I was about to become a control freak in relation to cleanliness and basically wanting everything around me to always be spotless and in order. I have definitely slowed down on that and accepted that my life is not meant to be a ‘museum’ of sorts, it also assisted me to lower my ‘visual viciousness’ I had wherein I would get a kick out of everything that would look in some perfect arrangement, specific colors, specific objects around me etc. I guess that moving to various places to live and also going to live in a farm for one year made me reconsider what kind of ‘traits’ I had which were not of a practical purpose and moderated that to a manageable trait. I care not if I have a mess around me even though I still know – for the most part – where things are.  With my clothes, I also don’t seek perfection either, rather comfort, simplicity and sure some ‘style’ but again has nothing to do with ‘no wrinkles’ on clothes or stuff like that…. Some specificity sure but not an ‘ideal image’ in place.

I can instead also recognize the ‘aversion’ I had toward the word perfect mostly stemming from what I would see around me at home, always the desire for everything to look arranged, perfect, coming out well or with the best outcomes in anything, almost in an anxious manner… so that’s why in my pattern of ‘rebelling’ against all things, I mostly would be the one that caused some reactions in my family because of having things just all over the place most of the time. When I started living alone some 10 years ago, that’s when I went into the opposite side of now becoming more like people in my family – striving for perfection at home – yet scaled it up to an almost frightening notch, flirting a bit with obsessive compulsive attitudes. This I was able to ‘control’ in relation to me, myself, my things, my cleanliness and so forth, but! There is an aspect that I certainly have lived it in and this has been pointed out to me lately precisely by my mother in our every now and then interactions.

This is living the word ‘perfect’ as an expectation of how things ( I think ‘should’ be) can be in interactions with people in the outside world. Within the consideration of ‘how things would work best for everyone’ I am constantly in the lookout for doing things as efficiently as possible when it comes to doing something for someone else, something related to work, something related to how I interact or behave in a public space, can be on the streets, at the shop, transportation, in any given situation where I can see a possibility of me doing something to better the situation, to make things run smoothly, to give space to others… at times yes a bit of sacrificing myself is applied in order to give to others or benefit others, even though I’ve been working as well on myself for the past couple of years precisely to not go too much on that side of ‘serving’ only and forget about myself.

Maybe upon reading this I consider “well! That’s how everyone should do and be and we would have a great functional and smooth-coexisting world/society/reality!” But the reality is that when this need to create a ‘perfect’ situation or the most ‘optimal’ and ‘efficient’ situation for others and myself comes with a pinch of anxiety or need to ‘control’ something in order to achieve a desired outcome that comes up with this sense of ‘urgency’ of doing it as fast as possible to not bother others or to ‘benefit’ others or to create a smooth transition of anything for others, then I am in fact not being here as breath and considering the same efficiency or best possible outcomes within stability, there is this experience behind it which surely has become automated for the most part which means: I don’t need to ‘think’ about it, it’s become a ‘natural’ thing to do. I have also seen how this pattern particularly kicks in with double strength when I am around people that I have considered – or assess after some short time of being around them – that they are ‘slow’ or ‘not so efficient’ or a bit ‘clumsy’ or see that they are not entirely ‘considerate of others’ therefore I step in almost pushing too much the point of ‘being an example’ to them in certain moments, or being that ‘awareness’ that I see they might be lacking in a moment, which comes with a tension, an extra ‘strength’ that can have adverse effects.

Here I will use the case of me towards my mother wherein she is quite lax about things and I tend to go into this ‘drive’ of doing things in a very specific, efficient, yet ‘smooth’ way in order to – in my perception – contribute to making things better in general. However what has happened is that, for example, if she is driving and suddenly she’s about to go into a parking spot, and realizes that’s not the entrance, I immediately go into seeing the rest of the cars behind and tell her with a loud voice that she’s causing a mess of traffic now, that she must just get into the wrong spot so that she can let others pass!… all of this in a rushed manner only thinking about ‘the problem’ that she must be causing To others. But in that split of a moment, I didn’t at all consider how I actually caused her to get nervous and panicky about the situation, because I got in such a state in one single moment when looking at how we could immediately ‘sort out the problem for others behind us.’ So my mother said that they must wait, because she wanted to get to the right entrance. After she got it right and we parked, she said how I immediately went into this exalted state just because of caring too much about the ones behind us, without realizing how tense she got because of my reaction, which could have caused more consequences if she would have acted in a rush and getting into an edgy spot with the car.

Afterward that day at the supermarket, same thing happened with the trolley where she would leave it wherever and I would get slightly annoyed or preoccupied about the trolley becoming an obstacle for other shoppers, and in that almost coming through toward my mother with a reclamation of ‘why did you leave it there, don’t you see others want to pass through the aisle as well?’ and so this was a second time in that day; but it had happened before where I have gone into recriminating her and others whenever something is not exactly as I expected it to be, even if upon assessing ‘the problem’ it was in fact a lack of communication, misunderstanding, assumption and general ‘rush’ that I tend to go into.

This has to do mostly with ‘doings’ as in things that relate to processes, environments, services that pertain to ‘giving a service to others’, cleaning, cooking, team work, walking in the street as a pedestrian which is a relationship of myself and the cars, etc. Which means it is ‘there’ in every day situations yet not every time do I get equally exalted, because there is a ‘sameness’ as well existent in this consideration with the person I live with – but, it does come up with others that are not in the same ‘stance’ in relation to these things and I definitely should not judge them either, but be flexible and considerate of their perspective/view and way of living things, as long as they are not entirely wrecking themselves or others’ lives and I can suggest something to correct about it, but in essence: can’t ever change another, that’s a fact.

It also seems to come from the need to ‘control’ the situation wherein I tend to get a point of satisfaction or ‘completion’ within me when schedules are fulfilled as I expected them, when things are done in the way that I planned them, when my interaction with others in the world can lead to a more efficient or better outcome = all of this I have actually charged with a positive value, and it has a lot to do with how ‘others can benefit from it’ as well, but not always. There are also my own ‘pet peeves’ where I seek to have control over certain ‘ways to do things’ wherein I forget to be flexible, yet I have been working with this word ‘flexibility’ in order to precisely not turn into a control freak, but according to feedback I get from my partner, it seems it still is there as a set of ‘unspoken rules’ that I tend to react to if not done in that manner. I realize this and continue to work on it, which means I need to apply more awareness in those ‘auto-mode’ moments, be more attentive.

So, as I can see, probably living with me and being with me in a constant manner can be quite a challenge where I can end up stressing people around me if things are not done in a particular way or if there’s just too much of a mess that I cannot control or keep track of, and this doesn’t happen much at home since I live with someone that is actually quite similar and specific to my traits, so it is something that comes up mostly when interacting with someone like my mother that is definitely the contrast point in our family where my sisters, father and I seem to have the same ‘perfectionist’ relationship toward everything around us. She does have it as well but mostly when it comes to reunions/parties where there’s many others to receive at home, but that’s about it.

This is a tricky point because I have rationalized as in ‘realized’ that I cannot control things, that I require to be flexible, that I don’t have to get all flustered by mistakes or ‘things’ that don’t come up as expected in my day to day, or when I don’t get the expected result of something where others are meant to ‘do their part’ – and this is where I’ve kept the word ‘flexibility’ in mind and it has gotten ‘better,’ but there’s always room for improvement for sure as my reality has demonstrated to me.

So, what is the solution? It’s certainly Not to say ‘Ah I should just stop caring about it all and do my own thing in whichever way I can and let everything just ‘fall’ by itself’ because that would be going into an extreme or polarity. Here it is mostly to investigate what lies behind my desire to have certain things be ‘perfect’ in my life/reality when it comes to ‘doings’ that are related to others in my environment. It has to do with the previously mentioned ‘satisfaction’ or sense of security that I’d get from ‘getting things done in the most apt/perfect possible way’, that ‘kick’ that I developed probably from doing things the way my father expected me to do and when he would approve with words like ‘That’s right, good’ it was like being less of an obstacle or a nuisance in how I knew that he wanted things to be done around the house for example. The opposite polarity or outcome of not doing so? Anxiousness, nervousness, tension and general fear from not doing things ‘perfectly’ or to the T as he would expect, or messing things up which I actually at a later stage learned to be ‘ok’ with in his presence, but these kind of reactions did certainly get recorded or engraved in the way that I deal with things, mostly remembering the sounds he would make when things would ‘fit’ just perfectly in the food cupboard after coming from supermarket, or when I would go with him to supermarket and he would always move accurately, fast and efficiently getting all the stuff in no time and so being just ‘precise’ in how he does things,  that kind of father that would get you the stuff that you were about to empty up because he was aware of it and bought one just so that you don’t have to go ‘without any’!

So, these points I have linked with security, comfort, even enjoyment when things just ‘go right’ and ‘fit perfectly’ and are ‘solved in no time’ – but! The thing is I never really pondered “Hmm, well if I get a kick out of getting things right, perfect, efficiently and accurately, then what is the opposite polarity of it, what kind of fears are hidden behind this?” No! I never really have questioned that because in my mind, this is ‘the way’ that everyone should be and this way the world would be just ‘best for everyone’! and surely, I still see that If I remove my fears of fucking things up, being an obstacle to others, being a nuisance, messing things that were previously ‘right’ or not giving to others the expected service/result, and instead do things in an apt and efficient manner as I know I can do, without fearing making mistakes, without fearing making others ‘wait’ or have the experience of ‘extra energy’ to it, without getting essentially angry or flustered about it, or ‘panicky’ about things, it surely can be a way in which one can be considerate of oneself and others around, generally assessing potentials for improvements, seeing efficiency as a process in which things can be done with reasonable effort, in stability and considering all parts involved, with a leeway or flexibility for trial and errors as well.

This would mean that in the example of me telling my mother to ‘get off the way’ to let others pass behind her in this exalted manner, this would can be now turned into a realization that: Ok we are in a ‘catch 22’ she cannot go further or she crashes the car, therefore she does have to take some time to go back and then drive into the right entrance, which means that surely the drivers behind might not be able to advance for a few seconds, they might not be ‘happy’ about it but, it could also happen to them and I’m sure that my mother would be understanding of that…. In theory – lol – because the pattern is that most people get very anxious and flustered whenever someone makes us ‘waste time’ when driving somewhere. However, this is then something that can be brought up in response to ‘asking for others time’ when being in a tricky situation, and so be flexible and considerate when others are in the same ‘catch 22’ situation.

Most of my reactions have to do with time in fact, and linking efficiency with doing things in ‘no time’ or the ‘fastest possible’ and if possible, leaving ‘no trace’ at all, not being a ‘bother’ to others, or making others ‘do what I should have done’ – which again, makes sense in a certain way but when it becomes almost a constant paranoia when being around others or in particular environments or responsibilities that affect others, it can come through with some of that fear behind it that is expressed in tension, in a rush that can at the same time be perceived by others as this ‘extra charge’ and so get equally tense or anxious and stressed out which is then not at all the way to actually ‘be efficient’ and care for others’ wellbeing.

Therefore there is a balance needed where I realize that the ‘efficiency’ I can get most of the times has to do with a few seconds to a couple of minutes of doing things, sometimes hours and that is ok because we live in a world where we can’t control everything and everyone else to ‘get things right’ or ‘fast’ all the time; to realize that not everyone is in the ‘same rush’ as I perceive they are – or to realize that I am in fact the ‘rushy’ one all the time – and to realize that many times solutions – even if considering the whole situation – might not always come out in a way that makes ‘everyone happy’ as in realizing that I cannot always ‘please’ or ‘benefit’ others the way I would like to, which comes from a genuine spot in me of actually wanting the world/things to work the best way for everyone. I truly no longer do it for the sake of ‘being recognized’ in an ego manner, but more in that sense of sure, being an example of how things can work or be done, but this can still be coming through with a ‘pushy’ manner which can lead to opposite results, like the arguments I had with my mother when coming to realize what I was doing and wasn’t aware of, and kept doing while she was explaining this pattern to me, such as quickly pointing out to her that ‘hey the green is on, go!’ just because of having the consideration in the background of ‘we’re making others waste their time if you don’t step on gas!” as if hell was going to break lose for those seconds lost, which doesn’t make sense, but it also as to do with preventing honking and people from calling you names for being slow in such situations so yeah, a fear there as well on ‘affecting others’ but also preventing some further conflicts or ‘name callings’ and such. Better be ‘slow’ in these situations as a precaution, instead of rushing and ending up squashed on the car on the front.

I have also seen how this same point comes up when being in someone else’s car and if they are not the ‘fast and accurate’ drivers, then I start getting tense for them going with low speed in the high-speed lane, or for not realizing that there’s people behind them that need some space to cross and things like that. What happens is that because I create an idea of ‘what I would do’ in such situations and so because of not getting the ‘expected result,’ I go into this tension because of seeing that others are not considering others the same way I would, and pondering if I should bring it up or not as a point to become aware of, or if I’ll come off as too demanding or bossy or intransigent or plain neurotic.

These are all things I’ll for sure keep working on to create a balance in it. A practical solution I’ve been applying since this point was brought forth to my attention some 2-3 weeks ago is to deliberately ‘let it be’ or ‘let it pass’ in times when I in that moment assess that ‘me bringing up this ‘desired outcome’ is only a point of personal preference’ or if I see that there can be some flexibility applied in the situation. Some other times I have still brought up the ‘old’ pattern of getting a short-fuse temper situation toward cars while walking such as them not stopping to allow me to cross or going to fast in a yellow light and so forth, it’s at times baffling how automated my behavior can be, but it is that, just an automated aspect that requires a notch up of slowing down and living attention which I just see I can apply as ‘a-tension’ or ‘a=without tension’ which allows me to create attention – as in being stable – observing the situation, surely continuing to see what are best ways to ‘follow through’ with something but making sure I am not ‘tensing up’ about it, but being considerate, flexible and add a pinch of ‘letting be’ to it, which is more aligned with the ‘flow of life’ like the series about Perfectionism from Eqafe explained, which are a real gift to someone like me that had not entirely investigated what was behind this need for ‘perfection’ or had even identified this ‘knack’ for perfectionism in a form of control, yet having some extra ‘energy’ there disguised as an efficient/perfect outcome for myself and others.

So, I conclude that there is a requirement for a balance within this. I realize that I have automated almost this ‘holistic observer’ mode where I am constantly aware of things not only in my immediate surroundings but in general on the ‘outside of myself’ as well, almost in a natural manner if I can call it that, aiming at things being efficiently done, getting them done, consider others, consider best for all outcomes and so forth. But! I can certainly turn a notch down in the ‘how’ I live this, which is without the fear of ‘losing control’, without going into short-fuse temper or anger, or irritation if something goes wrong or if mistakes are made, or if others are not as considerate as I see the potential could be, but to understand that I can only be the example of this myself and live it in equanimity. This implies as well to not be so exigent toward others to ‘learn from me and do it!’ but to realize it’s been an entire process for me to, till this day, to change behaviors, patterns and reactions in me. I still keep working on many ingrained patterns that I was most likely going to become in a ‘full-fledged’ manner if following the patterns acquired from family and so forth, which is why I am always grateful for when it comes to walking this process of self change for some 8 years now and it’s awesome to keep discovering points like this one on ‘perfectionism’ that had to be brought to my attention, which I am usually grateful for as I’ve expressed in these blogs throughout time.

 

Will keep an eye on how I continue developing my moderation on this point, and will share if new dimensions open up around this one.

Thanks for reading

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434. Hissy-Fit: Trance-Ending it.

 

Yesterday I noticed an interesting pattern that I had probably not seen with as much detail as before, simply because there has been a tendency to allow the kind of ‘short fuse’ situations to become a normalcy, especially when walking in the city.

So the story goes this way: it rained a lot the past days and puddles were around many places. I was walking with my partner in the middle of crossing one big avenue when I saw that the lights were red and so, it was time to cross in a short period of time – this city is not designed for pedestrians to begin with – which prompted me to give a bit of a jump and cross. I did not communicate this to him, which caused him to give a sudden jump into one area where there was a large puddle of watery mud. This simple event led me into an immediate experience of being pissed off or irritated, seeing it as ‘stupid’ that such thing could have happened. I started saying out loud to him ‘Didn’t you see where you were stepping? I’ve told you before to watch your step in these fucked up sidewalks!’ because that’s a reality, there’s no smooth ‘walk’ in the city that you can just go walking looking straight ahead of you, because not many places are even/ properly built and/or with wires sticking out, holes, etc.  Even though we were not in a hurry, I noticed that I got flustered about it. Here it is to see that even before asking if he was alright or if he had twisted his ankle or something, to me it was like immediately pointing out what he should have done or how ‘foolish’ the situation was, in a way implying that ‘this should not be happening to us right now.’

As we kept walking, he would stopped twice to clean the shoes and his sock, so at some point I said to him we should instead just sit in a place so that he can properly, clean the shoe, check his foot etc. But my tonality was of course already coming with this harshness, to which he asked if I was pissed, and laughing a bit out of it. It’s great because he usually just don’t follow with my every now and then bursts of whatever fit I tend to create, he just points it out and that moment I realized what I was doing. I reminded me of what I had written just hours before and applied precisely the point that I had written on not being hard on others, to be considerate, to be humble, to be patient.

So I ‘stepped down of my fit’ and said ‘ geez, yes, I got pissed but there’s no reason for it! Why am I even pissed! I should instead first ask if you are ok, if your foot is ok.’ So, it took a simple moment to question this sudden hissy fit, to then immediately see ‘wait, what am I pissed off about? This doesn’t even make sense!’ So, again, I apologized and then as we kept walking I was able to see the whole point being mostly a pattern I’ve seen or witnessed in my father. Whenever my mother would do something ‘less than perfect’ especially while traveling, moving or being out and about, he would point it out to her with certain anger/annoyance, almost in a way wanting her to know that ‘she’d fucked up,’ in a way it is like scolding. Actually now I remember that my partner pointed out exactly the point that made me see this precise pattern, something around the lines of ‘What is it? You cannot tolerate that which messes up your status-quo, is it unacceptable?’ And so I was able to see that, yes, anything that ruins this ‘perfected idea’ of what our walk in that moment was going to be got ‘screwed up.’

So, I completely stepped down of the experience as I saw how abusive it was. Is this at all something acceptable? Absolutely not, I could even get embarrassed from admitting I can get flustered about things like this; though this emerged, lasted some ten minutes because through communicating and doing my own ‘introspection’ in the moment, I was able to see the reason for it, the ‘learned behavior’ and this ‘perfectionism’ that makes me cringe every time something unexpected happens.

Then after some minutes I explained this point to my partner, how I need to be flexible when things don’t go as expected and how there is no reason to get pissed at it and instead focus on practical matters – like checking he’s physically doing alright. One supportive thing is that he doesn’t hold a grudge for it or changes the way he addresses me for it, we have learned throughout the various months of living together to not hold on to a moment of reactions, but to rather speak through it, get to an understanding, and a future consideration to prevent further moments like this.

From my perspective this kind of behavior is more of a physical and automated response that contains almost no thoughts, just sudden ‘pissed-offness’ that I wasn’t able to pin point at first when only remaining in an experience. It was through communication and then doing some further ‘inner-research’ that I was able to understand it. Yet what is most important is the ability to let go of the experience in the moment, to relax the body, to ensure all is clear in relation to the situation and keep on with the day, not holding onto it at all, but understanding the reaction and ensuring one gets to establish principles, words and corrections for any other ‘occasion’ this or any other similar point could show up.

I also see the benefit of voicing the words, the considerations for any other time or moment where something ‘unexpected’ happens, this means sharing with whomever you are so that we hold ourselves to our word with others that are close to us as well, and create an all-around learning process from it, instead of allowing it to ‘ruin’ a moment for a petty situation.

 

Not breathing

 

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Life Review – Short Fused Temper Tantrums

 

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Day 1 – Clearing Starting Point: Writing

 

We are beginning a phase in our process wherein we will be writing ourselves to freedom, writing ourselves to give structure to our every day living throughout 7 years. Sounds like a commitment? It is, it is the type of commitment that we have never actually given to ourselves in our lives- until now.

This is part of the process that I’ll walk and that I’ve defined ‘Sculpting in time’ within the concept of becoming a real artist, an artist as a human being that recognizes our full ability and capability to transform society by each individual ‘sculpting’/ molding themselves to be the change that we all see is required to be made here. And that begins with ourselves, here, a group standing up for Life in Equality as a Living Principle that ensures that we all eventually, are able to be equally standing here – yet, for now, we must stand as a forefront and do what’s necessary to be done in order to pave the way for the future generations to come.

 

In the past I had used writing to build and create my personalities, all written in the most hermetic way so that I could not even grasp what I was trying to say and ‘hide’ behind my own words, all done for the purpose of not having anyone understanding or even being able to decipher my own writing. I only ended up spiting myself in that – so, part of the writing point will have to be walked physically wherein I develop a writing that is ‘more readable’ as well.

However, when realizing the initial point: why I had not allowed and directed me to write every day was because of ‘fear of commitment’ to creating a pattern, regardless of how supportive I’ve seen it is – and this is also in relation to ‘how it would be seen by others’ if I publish a blog every day – ideas about past patterns that I’ve lived, a ‘fear’ of being seen as ideals that I haven’t allowed myself to face as an actual possibility within myself.

 

For the past 2 years, I’ve walked the point – slowly but surely – of establishing a point of self-acceptance and also related to ‘perfection’ which I clarified in relation to how I had lived ‘perfectionism’ and the connotations lived throughout my life.

 

Now, it is today, this moment that I listened to a must-hear interview of Self-Support for this existential process we’re walking, by Anu of course, on walking the point of Self-Perfection to stand as an example for humanity. This is the day that it begins with writing, and I realized that I already ‘knew’ I could do this, however I allowed certain factors to tamper my ability to expand, even though the point of writing is already a daily point within my life –regardless of being writing a ‘blog’ specifically, I must be writing somewhere, exerting a comment, a post, giving a perspective that is certainly the way that I have allowed myself to verify ‘I am here, I am walking, I see, I understand, I align myself and support others the best way that I am able to.’

However, these points are here, revealing themselves now as I will walk through Self-Forgiveness, along with various other points related to patterns I’ve lived ‘as myself’ in relation to this point of ‘being an example’ and having people ‘taking myself as an example,’ which brings up necessary experiences to clarify, as the starting point of my writing, which must be understood as Self-Support – self- for myself as one and equal which then includes and implies for all equal and one.

 

I am ready? I remembered Bernard asking me this, and I replied with something like: as ready as I’ll ever be – meaning there is no ‘doubt’ to take here, we either do this here as this great opportunity we have to live, or we’ll just degrade ourselves into what we are already existing as, which is not nice, not pretty and must be stopped.

This time, I won’t allow any external perceptions to limit myself here – I have diminished myself throughout my life on purpose in fear of being ‘outstanding’ – yet as Anu said, this is not about ‘fame’ or ‘recognition’ – not at all, it is about Self-Here walking to live to our utmost potential, realizing our full abilities and capabilities. I stop my deliberate sabotage in fear of being ‘too out there.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to not take the habit and self-supportive pattern of writing every day in fear of committing myself to live a point that I would have to ‘live’ as myself, invariably so, every single day– instead of realizing that within this, I limited myself within the ability to expand myself, my process and self-support through making of writing a daily habit wherein I am giving myself a structure to live, to direct myself within my every day living and interactions, wherein I see that there are corrections to be lived – not only as ‘myself’ but as a whole, as we are here to eventually walk a process that involves us all.

I realize that the reason why I didn’t commit myself before, is because of fear of ‘not being able to keep up with my commitment’ – yet, I see that I am the only one that can ‘trap’ myself within my own sabotage for whatever reason and excuse I could find to not write.

When and as I see myself believing that ‘I cannot keep up with my commitment to write every day’ – I stop, and I breathe – I realize that I am mostly creating an ‘ideal’ of writing as ‘having to write every day,’ instead of integrating this as an every-day application, similar to breathing as words, wherein I realize that I am giving myself structure to live – words are here to support ourselves to live, and no longer be used to formulate excuses and justifications as to why we ‘give up’ our ability to expand, express and give ourselves practical support through writing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having limited my ‘intention’ to write every day, in fear of ‘putting up pressure on others’ and within that, allowing myself to ‘back down’ out of fear of how it would be ‘seen by others if I wrote every day’ – which is ludicrous that I accepted my own mediocrity as an ‘acceptable way’ for the sake of how it would be ‘seen by others.’

I realize that this is a pattern that I have lived throughout my life, fear of ‘outstanding’ yet desiring it at the same time – however living the latter as a ‘reversed personality’ that I built for myself, and that I have realized exists as the very manifestation of what my current handwriting is, which I will also be walking in order to clarify the reason why I created such a crooked handwriting as a way to spite myself and ‘others’ from perceiving myself as ‘miss perfection.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared being ‘in the spotlight’ in the past, wherein I deliberately physically hunched, looked down and tried to be as ‘less seen as possible’ because of not anting to take the forefront within my reality in any given moment or activity. I realize that the only fear that exists within this is actually me being able to ‘keep up with my stance in the forefront’ – yet I realize that this is not about ‘leading the way’ but standing as a single principle that is in itself, an example of what must be done as existence, as this reality and for that, there can be no more and no less.

I realize that all the perceptions that I projected onto others have been actually my own fears and desires of recognition and wanting to be a wallflower at the same time.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever having feared being seen as ‘conceited’ or ‘showing off’ by actually working and living as the ability and capability that I realize I am able to live as – I see that I have only limited myself out of ‘what others would say’ without seeing the obvious fact that this only exits within my own mind as limitations to Not take the actual necessary steps to clarify for myself that: such thoughts are only judgments that are Not and cannot ever be real, as all that exists here, is equal and one. There can be no ‘more’ or ‘less’ but just inflated egos and diminished ideas of self, both poles must be stopped in order to establish Self within a directive principle as what’s best for all which is: not good, not bad, not more, no less than who and what we really are as One and Equal as Life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having deliberately diminished myself and belittled myself in order to ‘get the necessary approval’ to give myself enough ‘trust’ that I am in fact ‘trust worthy’ to this process. I realize that all of these points of recognition and seeking approval stemmed from a actual fear of standing as an example, fear of being ‘conceited’ which is a point that I will be walking here, to make sure that  the words I direct, the starting point of my actions is in fact considering what’s best for all – walking the process of integrating this principle as a written process wherein I assess where and how I require to re-consider myself, my application, see ‘who I am’ within any given moment, to reintegrate myself to all points that I have separated myself from.

 

I realize that all the patterns, fears, judgments, deliberate self-sabotage that I created for myself toward the point of ‘self-perfection’ and ‘standing as example’ have been but Ideals based on a system of values/ worth in separation of Life. I realize that the way to walk here is within humbleness, wherein I ground myself as the Earth that keeps me breathing, because otherwise, I lose myself up there in the mind, believing myself to be ‘something’ instead of actually living it and seeing the consequences that it manifest.

 

I realize that living words entails responsibility, and this is not to be taken lightly. I realize that any given moment that I see ‘fear’ arising with regards to taking responsibility for myself, and others eventually – I stop and I breathe. I realize that at this moment, I focus on myself wherein I establish self-trust and allow myself to be the director of my every day living, my every day moment wherein I stop any experience wherein I am being taken for a ride by my own participation within my mind in a useless and unnecessary thought pattern or experience that ‘diminishes’ my ability to stand as a living principle and example.

 

Within this process  – and more specifically the last 2 years, I have been more directive within myself to get to a point of comfort within taking a fore-front, which implies walking a process of self-forgiveness in relation to all the ideas, beliefs and perceptions as a  constant battle I lived toward ‘authority’ – and taking that point of self-authority as an actual direction to build self-trust as the application of myself throughout this process, self-acceptance which I have recently clarified in order to give it a more substantial realization of self-acceptance as the physical – and, last but not at least, liberation.

 

What we are doing within writing, is giving us structure to finally ‘free ourselves from the cages of the past.’ And I am here to take the point of rattling the cages of the caged, beginning with myself, letting go unconditionally of any limitation of how I will be perceived and fearing ‘not keeping up with myself,’ which can only exist as a future projection of the nature of self-sabotage which is not acceptable because I see, I realize and understand how the only point that can limit myself is a thought that I am able to stop participating in, from the very moment that I can spot myself facing a resistance.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance to write within the ‘ideal’ of requiring ‘substantial time to write’ in order to create an ‘acceptable blog’ – which are just standards that I have created within my mind, instead of realizing that the moment that I write myself, here, being fully attentive and developing my writing as myself – day to day – I am walking the structure and direction in the moment. There is no way I can create an ‘ideal’ of something that must be and can only be walked in every moment while doing it. 

 

Words are the key to how we create this reality. Within establishing words as ourselves within a self-equality and oneness principle, we are able to in fact place the very foundation upon which we will eventually walk this process to equalize ourselves as Life. Not to be taken lightly, and I can say for myself that, after these years there is not much of a fear toward this. It has taken me time, definitely – so, this is just to share how it IS possible to go from an absolute fear to ‘stand up’ and ‘be in the front’ into an Actual Self-Acceptance which implies Not allowing anything less than who I really am Here – as Life, as One and Equal.

 

When and as I see myself diminishing myself and believing that ‘I must step aside because I cannot keep up’ – I stop and I breathe, I realize that this pattern can only stem from me existing as a point of comparison and competition which is not the way to walk this process. This is about me, here, establishing a point of discipline, consistency and amalgamation of words as myself as an actual tool of self-creation.


I see and realize that, what’s best for all, is and will always be that which must remain as a living condition for each one of us living in this world. This is how common sense throughout this process will be integrated as a living-understanding of what in fact means to ‘write ourselves to freedom,’ as a consistent application of what we are aware we are able to live-as individuals, to finally free ourselves from fears, limitations and perceptions toward ourselves and each other, and equalize ourselves to a living-principle that we all can live as equals.

 

I invite you to do the same – no thoughts on ‘how it must be done’ – this is Your Process, this is My Process, this is Our Process and within this, there is and cannot be any ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ as, within writing from the starting point of developing common sense and establishing Self-Honesty, we can only learn how to correct ourselves As we walk our writings. This is a continued application – yet reinforced to be lived as a daily-action, a daily participation to infiltrate the web with common sense and Self-Forgiveness, which is truly the only way that we are in fact able to unlock ourselves from our self-created cages.

And, I’m grateful for everyone that is equally walking this process-  no matter where in the world you are, we are all together here as a group that stands up for Life, for that which Matters in this world,  a world wherein no common-sense has been lived as a principle. We are here to walk it, and establish and get comfortable with it, get comfortable with wording ourselves to freedom as that’s a human responsibility that must not be taken for granted.

This is our one and only chance to do this. As I heard from the lead singer of Refused last night: This is Not a Rehearsal, this is IT.

No more fun and games – no more fucking around.

Yet! that doesn’t imply that writing is not enjoyable  – the more you walk through resistance, the more it will be easier to let go of any preconceived ideas of ‘how this must be walked.’

As my nose clears up, I see that this is it for today.

 

Thanks for breathing.

 

For more info on this process, visit Desteni and the Forum 

Self Supportive Material to walk this process:

Reptilians – Guidelines through the Maze of the World-System: understanding what Resistance is when writing, how to consider the commitment to this process as a lifetime responsibility within the understanding of the principle of Equality as life. A great lesson to learn how to stop fears to face this process and actually allow us to step up, within the realization that There Is No Other ‘Time’ for This – what better place than here, what better time than now. And it’s all in our hands.

 

 


Perfectionism is an Inside Job!

Per-fact working with what is here to be created/ directed within the principle of what’s best for all – Working in specificity, living in ways that are taking into consideration an outcome that will benefit myself and all equally – there are no inner-guidelines according to my own value schemes based on comparison or fears within that. This is how we can transform our current participation in ‘perfectionism’ to self perfection.

Perfectionism – system word and the familiar imprint.

I read the word perfectionism and remembered the usual talks my parents would have with their friends around the table and how my father would boast about his peculiar traits of being methodic and a perfectionist. He’s cool from the system perspective and I’ve learned heaps from such specificity and efficiency within taking into consideration aspects that make our day to day living more practical – yet a lot is definitely based on fear and an underlying desire for control. Now that I look at the word I see that looking at the ‘driving force’ of this experience is having everything working the way ‘he wants it to be’ and this aspect can consume him the moment things don’t go as expected.

That’s when anger would ignite within him right away – it was a ‘known’ fact that if something didn’t work out the way it was expected, we would have to deal with his bad temper. It’s been cool actually because this past year  I’ve gotten to be more open in talking about how to support ourselves with my parents/ family in general, so I’ve been able to point out in the exact moment when he’s going into anger and frustration for things not resulting the way he wanted them. This has been supportive for him to snap out of it and realize that all the fuzz is absolutely unnecessary and that things have to simply be physically directed without adding any other ‘charge’ to it.

The reason why I’m writing about my father is because I require to apply the exact same points for myself.  I can see myself in him in terms of how we have lived ‘perfectionism’ as literal cage wherein we want everything to be ‘under control,’ wherein we don’t want to make any mistakes which is essentially out of fear, fear of not keeping up with this ideal that we’ve created of ourselves, our ‘reputation.’ I now remembered asking my father in one of these events ‘well, what is it that worries you the most if this doesn’t work out?’ and he replied something along the lines of ‘what everyone will say about it.’ And then he goes into his petulant mode wherein he’s just like a little kid that has been caught in the nitty gritty of what is actually ‘mattering’ within our mind, it’s actually funny because there is no place to hide once we reveal and expose ourselves. 

So, it is about fearing others’ judgments, fearing not being ‘up to the expectations’ which is just an overall fuckup since we then will try and make everything fit our imaginary idea – not a pleonasm but a required redundancy to realize how we cannot become an ‘idea’ that is only existent in our mind unless we actually live it in fact. When living in comparison and caring too much about our general ‘presentation’ toward others, we start hindering our expression and placing a lock to our expression to not get out of the ‘known-safe bounds’ and in that, giving up the ability to express, share, being, speak and act because of caring too much about what others have to say about it.

 

How I have experienced perfectionism.

It started when I was a little girl – kindergarten to be precise and I wanted to be the perfect girl that did everything I was told to do. The moment I deviated from it like grabbing a pair of scissors and cutting some boy’s hair, getting scolded and resenting such action coming from the ‘teacher,’ I got ‘stuck’ within the point of never wanting to create such ‘harm’ on to another, the kid started crying after it all seemed like ‘fun’ to me.  That’s the first imprint of ‘being mean’ at school and being reprehended for it. From there fear kicked in and made sure I was doing everything I was told to do out of fear of having to go through that ‘humiliating experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having experienced humiliation out of being scolded without anyone taking into consideration the inner-workings and intentions behind the actions – in this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move from self-expression into fear because of not wanting to be ‘scolded’ again ‘in public’ and experiencing such humiliation which I didn’t know existed at the time, creating a general imprint of ‘fear’ which then became the driving force to ‘do as I’m told’ and be an obedient sheep in class.

In fact, from that moment on any ‘fuck up’ that I made during the elementary school years – like being kicked out of the class for talking too much which only happened once – I felt like the scum of the Earth, I feared to be expelled from the honorable wall of fame at school – losing the grace all teachers and others had – the ‘reputation’ point became quite prominent when being the ‘perfect system’ that does ‘everything perfect.’ In fact now that I see the latest points wherein that word has come up in my reality, I get this icky feeling like fuck that’s just not cool, it’s all ego based – how could ‘accomplishing tasks’ be related to ‘being perfect?’ It all was part of getting to know how to score in the system of rewards – nothing else.

I can only accept Self Perfection as myself and in that, we all have to stand equal and one to it – that would be principles and self-will to be efficient, practical, specific in terms of what will create an outcome that’s best for all. I speak of ‘creation’ because that’s what we are doing here with ourselves and the world. Therefore, now that we understand that all points within creation must be equally responsible, we can see how within being self responsible, correcting ourselves and accumulating words and deeds that co-operate to create a best for all outcome is walking the process of Self Perfection. This then cannot be a mind/ ego-driven move, but a best-for-all consideration that anyone can apply in an equal manner.

The reason why we have become so hooked on ‘perfectionism’ is due to the current system wherein one has to be absolutely ‘fit’ and aligned to its rules to keep going – this is just another survival-mechanism point because the main motive is fear once again. Whether it is fear of judgment, of not having money, fear of loss, etc. we have to take such fears to see where we have placed our value/worth upon.

Walking in this process has allowed me learn how to work as a team for the first time as I used to ‘loathe’ to work in teams, because it would usually mean having other 4 people wanting to be in my team because they knew and I knew I would do it all – yes I would create such a situation for myself and accept to do it all most of the times just so that I could make sure it was done ‘the right way.’ Once again we see that the motivation was fearing it would be a fuckup and believing that ‘my way’ is the ‘best way.’ I have stunned myself whenever I see how cool it is to brainstorm about points to the extent that I can see how funneling everything within the principle of equality can create an actual diversity of perspectives that lead to the same point – yet using different ways and expressions to get there, that’s the cool part.

It’s probably been over a  decade since I started letting go much of the initial hardcore perfectionism I experienced as a child – I mean, when I was around 8 years old if things didn’t go out the way I wanted, I would become frustrated and angry and bottle myself in it only getting to see some ‘light out of the tunnel’ with some support that I would get from my mother at that time, allowing me to see how I was simply able to do the things without having to be so strict and ‘hard on myself.’ I see how I would take such comments like ‘quick fixes’ that she could say in order for me to have like a spoon fed of honey to get past the bitterness, I would not really consider what she was saying. It did support to snap out of it and learn to be more flexible with my own religion. Like if I would say: I go to bed at 9:15 I had to be in bed at that time, no matter where I was I would have to be in bed because otherwise I was breaking my own rules and that was equal to what missing Sunday’s mass is for a hardcore christian.

I created for myself an overly-apprehensive childhood, no one was putting a gun to my head to have set such standards of ‘being the best’ all the time, it was like literal preprogramming running itself wherein my parents never had to bother in asking if I had done my homework or doing exhaustive reviews on my homework. My mother would support me with tools to learn useless data and create questionnaires to enhance the understanding of what I was learning –  that was it.   The drive that I would experience in an almost automated way to ‘be the best one in the class’ was driven by fear of losing my reputation and image toward others.

After these initial years at school I learned ‘the ways of the system’ wherein I simply got to know the ‘rules’ and started manipulating the points to get the desired outcome, extenuating the effort as well.  This is Not Self Perfection at all! Yet from a system perspective it was regarded as such – it was me becoming part of the ones that are able to manipulate things to suit my reputation/ ego. It actually sucks when people build a certain ‘idea of yourself’ and then create all types of expectations of ‘who you are’ and when finally getting to meet you, they eventually see you are just another mortal that is not self perfected – yet.

 

I can also now pinpoint the times in the past wherein I would create this ‘lower standard’ of something I had created even though it was ‘well done’ just to create a ‘safe zone,’ like a margin of error wherein if people thought it wasn’t ‘good enough,’ they would have my initial input of the work ‘not being good enough’ so that they could then measure the end result according to their judgment and my input and create an ‘acceptable average’ from it all. All fucked up complicated value systems – the mind complicates everything and it’s all done just for the sake of keeping up an imaginary standard that apparently can uplift of diminish who we are – it’s not real!

 

From Perfectionism to Self Perfection – the process.

The way to go every time from here on that I experience any perfection-demon kick I  stop for a moment and become aware of what is the driving force within this – what is it that I am actually supporting here and if common sense is not able to be found, we’ll know it’s being an ego-driven task directed to fulfill a certain patterned-idea of myself that is not self-supportive, that will not be applicable for all equally and will only stand as a general bluff within my experience.

Self-perfection is taking all into consideration to the best outcome possible – perfectionism is just ego-driven desires and fears which are the same but just in opposition to each other. It implies then stopping the desire to be ‘the best’ or beating my own standards and self-created ‘records’ to simply continue living in a way that is supportive for myself and everyone equally. That way we let go of measuring ourselves against ourselves and others and feeling ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about it.

“Perfectionism is based in fear – self perfection is based in self creation” – Bernard Poolman

And with that we can see how we’re all walking the process of self creation wherein self perfection is the accumulation of consistent self-application directed toward a best for all outcome.

 

Learn more at: Desteni 

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