Tag Archives: personalities

278. Judging what’s Best because not Everyone Can Have it

What’s in it for me within judging it?

 

Continuing from: 277. Finding it Hard to Accept Rewards

 

When we speak about standing up for Equality, it is not only a common sensical decision and self agreement to affiliate ourselves with a viable solution to change the course of the future of humanity, this process of realizing what it means to stand up for equality imply a profound self-investigation to understand the patterns that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to live-out that lead us to the current state of extreme inequality that we are living in in this world. We often forget or don’t consider that such inequality is not only a ‘flawed system’s result,’ but it is actually the consequential outflow of having become and embody personalities and characters that oppose each other, becoming seemingly incapable of getting to an agreement.

The fact is that within this, we will all have to work together and no matter what kind of slightest ‘out of character’ self experience exists when we are standing up for what’s best for all, it must be walked through and dissected through a process of self investigation through writing, applying Self-Forgiveness  in Self Honesty , because we understand that any discrepancy that is experienced with regards to the facts that contribute to a life for all, implies that one is playing out/ living out a certain pattern that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist-as, what’s best for all.

 

The usual disagreements created when proposing a new living system can only exist when there are personalities as the ego coming up. This has existed within me as a judgmental experience when having to ‘sell’ what’s best for all, which is also another way that I have used to create a point of uniqueness/specialness when standing ‘outside of the majority’ and as such, when having to ‘play the game’ of the majority, this personality is threatened, because I have to play everyone’s game now, judging the majority at all times and the majority’s ways in which this world has only been motivated through positive reward – a.k.a. money. But, this is what we have limited ourselves to define as ‘rewards’ currently, because that’s all we’ve learned to place value upon.

 

Therefore I understand that one has to walk-with/at the pace of the majority in order to step by step get to a point to understand the real-rewards existent as an inherent outflow of establishing a that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. Everything that has gone before me are the direct influences of my existence in such a way: the family lineage, the ancestors and all of those who have gone before me of which I represent this current ‘version’ of a human being that sees common sense, understands world-wide organization that will be based in the physical-tangible and mathematical outcomes that can be established when stopping working on fallacy-values like our current financial system, and start working together to rehabilitate the relationship with ourselves, our own mind that is the one aspect of ourselves that we have blindly followed through with without assessing what are the actual consequential outflows from living ‘as the mind’ only, because we have never known anything else other than ‘who we are as the mind.’

 

Thus, I realize that we have to take small steps at a time when understanding the current world problem that we’re facing, wherein we all known how ‘flawed’ it is, but within understanding the origin of such flaw within ourselves, there is no longer someone left to blame other than each one of us looking within ourselves to see where and how we have in any way prevented ourselves from establishing What’s Best for All, and sometimes, bizarre stuff can come up with this.

When reviewing the point of ‘finding it hard to accept rewards’ it is something that at a conscious level people would define as ‘benevolent’ like ‘She cares so much that she cannot fathom being rewarded in any greedy way’ or at least I can see this within myself it exists as a projected judgment that I could expect to obtain as a result of my perceived ‘benevolent self’ – However, at Desteni we’re educating ourselves about how the mind works and as such, we cannot draw quick conclusions about it and keep the positive aspect of it intact. This is one single aspect of this construct, and a masquerade that it’s relatively easy to find when we understand how any point of benevolence actually stems from the negative at all times.

 

So, when finding out some of the actual origin points of this, I realized that I can only resist something if I fear letting go another, and because fearing is just an excuse to hold a certain idea of myself in this case, I can only conclude that such thing I am holding onto must be perceived as ‘positive’ within my mind, and as such when facing the threat of actually no longer having to ‘play out’ such personality, in my mind I see such personality/ego point threatened.

 

Now, in my case the ‘positive’ point was not within the realms of ‘wanting more/ seeking for more’ but instead quite the opposite and being rewarded by it. This can be read in the blog:

208. Doing Good as Positive Credit-Rewards

And this is part of an entire series of blogs wherein I described the positive experience linked to ‘doing good’ specifically when it comes to ‘changing the world,’ but in my way, which meant doing good ‘for others’ and for the ‘greatness’ of it and as such, miss out the entire point of doing it for myself first and ensure that my starting point is of actual self-equality realization not just ‘doing good.’ – in other words this means placing myself within such beneficial outflow.

 

There’s a character within this wherein I consider I am comfortable with speaking all about all the points that I have essentially judged within others and myself as bad/negative such as humanity’s inherent greed, corruption, abuse, all forms of problems and more ‘uncomfortable truths,’ and as such linked my ‘positive experience’ to this type activities of what I can call a humbleness and belittling wherein I believed that I can ‘live with the least’ and ‘refuse luxuries’ and ‘spend very little money’ and creating a positive experience out of it, to make it seem as if this is a cool thing to do, which lead me to obviously judge everyone around me that certainly have money and spend it in all forms of things that ‘make them happy’ and that I judged as vain/ hypocritical/ bad and all that negative type of connotations around that which points out greed as an abuse.  However, I have also realized how I would really not want to live with limitations due to money, it is simply not living but surviving.

 

I realize that I have in fact judged happiness, joy, enjoyment and all the positive things in this world through this Eye of the mind within our current world system, wherein Yes, the pursuit of happiness have lead us to this current unsustainable/out of proportion and touch with physical reality system. However as anything: it is not that ‘happiness’ is something ‘bad’ in itself, it is simply the Ways and Means that we have used to create it that are the problem.

 

Hereby it is to understand that I am only refusing the current idea/perception of what Rewards are according to what I have described in the previous blog as capitalist-consumerist tricks that are just pushing for further consumption/ profit and greed. However the Rewards we are talking about within the Equal Money Capitalism are actually outflows of having a system working in a mint condition, thus this would not imply that such rewards will be created to make people ‘want more’ or as a form of ‘retribution’ but instead a single outflow and outcome of giving and receiving in Equality, which is and should not be regarded as something positive or negative, but just considered within physical laws that exist without the ‘power charge’ of who we are as the mind that tends to polarize everything within a black and white scope, a positive and negative because this is what generates the opportunities to create inner conflict and as such, benefit the mind with resourcing such energy for the existence of the mind.

 

I realize that who I am as the mind has contributed to keep the definitions well in place when it comes to what’s positive and negative and as such build myself around these self-definitions, which is again only existent as knowledge and information that we eventually embody for whatever reason we can find in our minds to do that.

 

Thus, the form of self definition that I’ve grown up with in order to create a form of righteousness is like ‘I am better than others because I do see common sense/ I am not greedy/ I refuse luxuries’ – however it is truly only a self-belief and actual righteousness of the mind, because I have certainly not refused all luxuries, I cannot claim I have never been greedy in my life and I certainly wasn’t fully accepting the common sense of the rewards that we can implement to actually better the lives of all living beings in this world.

 

This righteousness is mind defined as a particular character wherein I believe myself to be ‘right’ and ‘better’ because I create some empathy with that which is Real as the actual reality/people/circumstances where real suffering exist, wherein I am almost ‘proud’ of myself of living in constant worry and concern about the world/ ecosystem/pollution which has obviously only served as a crutch for me to again feel that I am ‘more real/ on the real side of reality’ without realizing how within this ‘affiliation’ to the ‘reality’ of this world I have only remained within the aspect of pointing out the problem, wanting others to react with the same worry/ concern suffering as myself in order to instigate change, which can support to open up our eyes, yes, but it certainly cannot remain as one single aspect that I hold on to and refuse to look at the ‘brighter side’ within this. It is in fact me defining the negative as the light-less and the positive and good as the ‘light’ that is causing this current conflict, which now I see begins within myself.

 

Another aspect is how within only ‘pointing out the problem’ we remain within the same constrains of ourselves as the mind and the system in general and that’s it, that’s how the real challenge is proposing solutions and the rewards that are not an ‘extra’ thing but a simple outflow of beginning to do what’s best for all. It can only be a mind possession to refuse or create any form of dissonance toward creating real solutions in this world, lol, a real mental-problem for sure that I have existed as without being able to See it, because to me this was ‘right’ and the ‘correct way’ to exist.

 

Why? because within this, it is the ‘compassionate/righteous’ character I’ve become that would lose this point of specialty as the ‘considerate one’ toward those that suffer that would have to cease to exist when there is no one else to feel compassionate for in a world wherein everyone is equally supported. Here we can also spot how charity-makers become addicted to ‘giving charity’ as a self-definition wherein if no one else requires ‘charity’ because everyone gets equal access to what they require to live = we stop requiring ‘charity givers’ that have usually created a positive experience within themselves through ‘giving to the needy ones’ which requires the existence of ‘needy ones’ to exist in the first place = absolute cycle of abuse sugar coated as benevolence.

 

So obviously, I could only create a resistance at a mind-level toward that which is best for all in the physical, as the physical conditions and rewards that we can give to each other , an actual possession I’d say, because it is certainly not common sensical to create a resistance or rejection toward that which will better living beings’ lives – thus, it is only the ‘who I am’ as the idea/belief of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be can create such negative experiences toward rewards.

 

This is the actual cool self-exploration to finally open up a point and investigate it in its totality, because this was certainly only existent like this ‘experience’ within me that I described as a ‘lock’ and resistance which can only exist if our self-definition is threatened in one way or another.

 

This is probably something that happens to many people, which is becoming hooked on misery/ negativity/ pessimism as self definition, wherein we don’t dare to actually see how life can in fact be if everyone is equally supported because of various factors that I will continue sharing within these blogs. These include patterns of humbleness as an experience of sacrifice in the mind, martyrdom, belittling, punishment, guilt, unworthiness and so forth. I see that this underlying experience is what is preventing me from truly embodying what’s best for all, because in this self-diminishment and affiliation toward the problem, one ‘cannot see the solutions’ just because that would imply stopping the personality that thrives in that constant self destruction/ impossibilities/ negativity that is not even existent at a thought level that could be spotted as ‘negative,’ but as an experience that becomes like a ‘lock’ for us to actually not see and realize that we can In Fact be and become what’s best for all within ourselves, accepting our Living-Equality within is the first aspect. And that is a process.

To be continued…

 

 

too much thinking

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132. EgoMania: Narcissism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because I exist within/as a sense of self importance, believing that the entire world revolves around me and label it as Narcissistic Disorder Personality, which is simply a name that has been given in this world to an enhanced sense of ‘self’ in our world, wherein we are simply existing as this augmented idea of self in our mind, as the ego which is everything that we have created of ourselves as a mental configuration in order to have something to define ourselves as, without realizing how every point of self-importance and definition is in fact a limitation to who I really am as one and equal, wherein there cannot exist any form of ‘superiority’ or inferiority’ as we are all physical beings of flesh and bones that cannot possibly exist as ‘more’ than others that are also flesh and bones.

I realize that within this world we have created names for so-called mental disorders without really having a clue of how the mind works and how we could all be labeled narcissistic as we are all only looking after our own survival and self-importance that can only exist as an enhanced ego/ idea of self that we then believe is ‘who we really are,’ without realizing it is only a set of thoughts that we have integrated as ‘who we are,’ eventually becoming those thoughts as words that exist only as a limited configuration of self as a personality/ character without ever pondering if this is in fact what ‘self-importance’ must be/ should be –

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am in fact superior to any other being and that the world revolves around me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only existing as this limited mind frame of self interest wherein I have made myself ‘more’ than others as my own ego. Thus I take responsibility for such belief within the understanding that it is only in my mind that I can create something ‘more’ or ‘less’ than other – thus I direct myself to walk the perceived point of superiority/ inferiority toward others in specificity, ensuring that I align my thoughts and deeds to the realization of us being equal beings that require to establish physical agreements to live as such.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the belief that ‘the world revolves around me,’ wherein I had definitely placed myself as the center of my reality in my world and believing that it is ‘normal’ to always seek to win, to always seek to be the best, to always be aiming at eliminating any form of rivalry, which is only the ego of the mind that I have become and that I am here to walk as the process of realizing who am I and what I have become as my own thoughts, backchats internal conversations that I have embodied, without having ever considered how it is in these very thoughts that I came to separate myself from everything and everyone else in an ‘superiority’ state that I have accepted as ‘who am I’ by default/ automatically.

I see, realize and understand that any ‘need’ to make myself ‘more’ than others was in fact stemming from the fear of being less than others, and fear of not being ‘good enough’ and a such, fear of standing on the spotlight to which I then created an opposite experience as rejection to being in a ‘visible position,’ which is just another polarity game wherein in my mind where I kept myself low-profile while deeply inside still wanting to be seen/ recognized or admired for what I believe in my mind was ‘special’ about me.

When and as I see myself existing within the default character of ‘the world revolves around me,’ I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to within the consideration of that which I am thinking only relates to me, to expand it to others as one and equal and in that, immediately realize that that which I am only linking to ‘me’ is in fact related to all as one and equal. Thus I direct myself to consider everything and all as one and equal and within this consideration, take the necessary steps to ensure that the world revolves around the principle of life in Equality and not around a principle of self-interest that benefits only a few.

I commit myself to create a world system wherein the realization of being one and equal can actually be lived as an entire social,  political and economical framework wherein all that will be able to exist is life in equality and any other ‘delusion’ such as the exacerbated self-importance that any point of ‘narcissism’ creates, is walked through a process of self-correction to eventually equalize this aspect to an equal and one realization of who we are in reality/ in fact in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having spent a lifetime only concerned with Me-me-me all the time, always seeking to satisfy me-me-me and manipulating, controlling and doing everything that I was able and capable to do, so that I in my mind could remain as ‘the winner’ and the ultimate ‘champion’ that could ‘do it all’ and as such, developing a sense of confidence after having realized to what extent I actually feared everything and everyone and in this, realizing that the only way to ‘cope’ with reality is becoming the imposition of fear upon others as an image of being ‘invincible’ while in fact, such image of strength, courage and bravery is a cover-up for the actual fears that I accepted and allowed to exist within ad as me, without being able to understand why –

It is only now that we are able to understand the beginning of ourselves as creation, I can see and realize that it is in fact important to understand the beginning of our creation in order to ‘make sense’ of what we have become, otherwise, it is plain ludicrous that we have gotten ourselves this far,  without having ever considered to what extent we were oblivious of our own physical body, of each other, of this world and only accepting things ‘as they are’ with no incentive to find out ‘more’ about ourselves, but only remaining as obedient servants to ‘how things work’ and ‘what’s always been like this.’ Thus I realize that through understanding fear as part of the origin of ourselves as this creation, any characters that exist as an apparent positive attribute and ‘strength’ is and can only exist as a compensating mechanism/making-up for past characters that stood/ existed as the exact opposite of what is now presented and projected as confidence/ strength, which is how all we currently exist as is nothing but characters – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see and realize and understand that any projection of strength, security, certainty and grandiosity can only exist as a character that covers up for the fears, the inadequate experiences and the belittling of myself that I had become, wherein we are only now realizing to what extent the starting point of everything we are and create must be corrected as we are already the direct consequence of stemming from fear as creation– thus it is quite ludicrous to even believe that someone that presents themselves as superior can be in fact so without seeing the actual fear and inFEARiority that exists in such portrayal as characters that make up for other characters in order to not have to sort out the initial fear, face it and walk the necessary self correction.

When and as I see myself creating an idea of self importance in relation to everything and everyone else, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am possessing myself with my own thoughts and that in such split moment that I went up thinking about the ‘who I am’ toward/ comparing myself to others, trying to place myself in a ‘superior position’ to give such an answer, is already an indication of existing as knowledge and information that seeks to validate itself as such, instead of immediately breathing, and recognizing that we are in fact only divided by our own god as the mind that thinks, that believes and perceives what is here through the eye of the mind, the limited perception that we have become due to our own acceptance and allowance to Only be the mind, forgetting about the entirety of the physicality that we breathe in/as  in every moment.

I commit myself to equalize myself as my mind to and as the physical in order to ensure that my life as a physical being is directed to honor life in equality and to create in fact a world wherein there I no piece of ‘ego’ left to create inequality between the living words as flesh that we are here, ready to walk and to in fact create a world wherein self-honesty and self-equalization as life is our new living reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a default-mode of protecting myself against criticism and/or being corrected, wherein such point of being pointed out a flaw/ a misalignment indicates that my stance as ‘a perfect being’ in my mind is threatened by another, thus I see and realize that any attempt to react in anger toward those that are pointing out something to see and correct for myself’ is only me as the ego of the mind trying to defend myself –

When and as I see myself reacting to any form of criticism and correction, I stop and I breathe – I take responsibility for myself to in that moment breathe and realize that only an ego can react whenever another is pointing out something to correct and walk as part of a self-corrective process that I am in fact actually grateful for, as it is only through my participation and interaction/ communication with others that we can face ourselves in self-honesty. For further expansion on this point, read  93. “No need to explain, I got it”

I commit myself to remain here as breath in every moment that I receive constructive criticism wherein I instead realize that it is to be grateful to have the ability of receiving feedback upon myself and my ‘doings’ in life, as we had become so used to only ‘caring for ourselves’ that another’s flaw was seen as an opportunity for us to get ‘past’ such person with such flaw, instead of actually stopping and assisting and supporting them to see and realize the point that is being missed within ourselves/ our reality within the consideration of how we can only thrive through living as equals.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind having judged people that I believed were arrogant, self-centered and egotistical to the utmost degree, without realizing that every time that I thought this and believed myself to be judging them ‘fairly,’ was in fact me mirroring myself back to myself, wherein I had not seen and realized how that which I experience in my mind as judgment is in fact only about me, using others as a mirror to see who and what I have become – thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own reflection as the personalities and ‘ego’ that others presented in my reality, that I only judged in a critical manner, without ever realizing that I was always only in fact judging myself as the mirror of who and what I have become in fact.

When and as I see myself judging other people that I perceived as narcissistic, egotistical, arrogant and selfish I stop and I breathe – I realize that these judgments are in fact related to me, thus I take the point to ensure that I walk through the prominent patterns wherein such labeled ‘narcissism’ exists, so that others can also have a look at how the Desteni I Process in fact is a pivotal point of supporting ourselves/ one another to face who we are and have become as our mind, with the assistance of a buddy that is essential to begin ‘trapping’ ourselves in our own believed and perceived ‘stability’ as ego and superiority that we tend to create in our minds.

I commit myself to live the realization that all judgment that I create in my mind is always about myself – thus within this, I see and realize that any judgment upon anyone and any aspect of this reality can in fact be exposed to make it evident, yet walked through a process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to ensure that we in fact take responsibility for the point of separation of which the judgment stems from. This way we ensure that every ‘spot’ we encounter within/ as ourselves is taken self-responsibility for.

 

I commit myself to expose the so-called mental disorders as labels that only serve to entertain ourselves with apparent ‘dysfunctional minds,’ without understanding who and what we are as the mind.  Thus the commitment lies upon educating myself and others to understand how the mind works in detail and in doing so, ensuring that we in fact create a point of self-stability and self-direction standing one and equal as the mind, the physical, energy and substance within the consideration of what is best for all.

 

I commit myself to exist as a being that regards life in equality within/as everything and all that is here, which sounds ‘cool’ yet requires an actual physical system to implement such ‘view’ and realization of who we are as Life in/ as a new political, economical and social system that will enable beings to realize equality as the only value that is Life, which is how the Equal Money System is the essential platform to live and coexist as equals.

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2012 The hard and soft veneers

While listening to Life Review: Keeping Quiet I saw how I was tensing my body, and my muscles were contracting and certain memories passed through my mind, specifically when he mentioned the point of  fearing conflict which was one of the reasons why I played-out and created a ‘nice person’ personality so that I could be the ‘neutral’/ stand in the middle road in all situations and be in a ‘safe zone’, be accepted which means not being opposed/contradicted, not to create any ‘enemies’ which I developed a fear for in terms of having being sort of bullied early on at school and not knowing what to do/ how to react to that, suppressing an entire shock and pretending that I didn’t care.

Interesting, this just came up as I am writing here, I hadn’t even considered that I have in fact played out both characters out of the same ‘fear of conflict.’ I created a ‘strong hold’ personality as well out of fear. This just came up as I remembered stuff like one girl wanting to asphyxiate me in the classroom, it was sort of in a ‘playing mode’ but still it affected me at the level of not knowing how to react/ what to do in such moments. She was one of my ‘best friends’ at the time. Events like these and being picked at for being a ‘smart ass’ early on in elementary school lead me to have my personal-support  coaching to ‘stand up and be stronger,’ which were words mostly provided by my mother which were ‘cool’ at the time to create a defensive mechanism of ‘I am not affected by others words toward myself’ – yet never getting an actual understanding of how or why they would react in such a way and how I simply didn’t have to participate within such judgments allowing that to obfuscate myself and create an entire experience within me.

That’s when I started developing a personality of being ‘tough’ or keeping a certain stance wherein I made sure ‘no one was able to fuck with me’ and this developed as early as elementary school into puberty.  A point that I played out in certain situations – standing within this same ‘tough/ superiority’ role is that I would deliberately test myself getting involved in opinionated conversations in school, just to prove my point right and within that, inflate my ego as this personality, which turned into superiority wherein I would then ‘not give a fuck about anyone else in this world’ because I was apparently ‘above that’/ not able to be affected. 

Now that I look at it, I’ve actually walked both polarities on and off.
One was the personality that I lived earlier in my life which is the one I have described as ‘being above it all,’ staring  at everyone with a blank-face in an ‘I don’t give a reverend fuck’ type of mode. This was also linked to what I’ve shared these past posts of believing myself to be a victim of this world, ‘not belonging here’ and having to deal with ‘stupid humans’ (playing out the superiority complex)– because that is exactly the type of thoughts I had to create in order to not exist ‘in fear’ toward other human beings. This is how I would judge and automatically ‘see’ everyone around me, wherein only those that shared the same views upon people/ this world would be the people I would hang out with – which were about 2, lol.

And as I’ve been walking this point, I can say that this is part of the physical corrections I am still walking I mean, it’s become quite a ‘way of carrying myself in this world’ wherein I would get feedback from others in how I seem to be a grumpy person all the fucking time, when I don’t ‘see’ myself as it, yet this personality has been recorded at such a physical level that I have to be completely Here, aware of myself as my breath to see how I am walking, how I am experiencing my physical body, how I am either frowning or tensing my jaw line when and while walking in the  street, stopping all instant-judgments that I would generate to virtually anyone, all in the same type of ‘shade’ as in belittling others while pretending to be ‘above that’ – yet living such belittling point within myself as an actual ‘nature’ that lead me to develop a ‘strong hold’ as a personality, a ‘hard veneer’ to present to this world, to not be vulnerable, to avoid being hurt = to avoid conflict at all cost.

The other side of the coin was later on becoming the ‘nice personality.’ It’s fascinating to look back at these two faces/ phases of my life which were clearly marked by the type of people I held as friends. Actually now that I see those two friends represented both poles – oh was it such a bomb when they lived together, it was like merging heaven and hell and me stuck in limbo. Eventually I could not keep up with both and had to ‘leave’ the friendship that supported this first aspect of playing out the strong-hold superior type of personality, the gloomy-dark times of absolute pessimism, depression and self judgment wherein I definitely resorted to paint, write and read a lot of books that would equally support this personality.  I can relate to what the man tells in this life review in terms of guarding his books like a treasure, I did the same and I was so ‘content’ with my little bubble of books, cd’s and paintings.

Back to ‘the other side of the coin’ aspect, the ‘glowing’ façade  I experienced in my late teens when having some sort of ‘spiritual awakening’ lol, changing my all black wardrobe to absolute flamboyant pieces of clothing that matched a ‘new perspective’ on life which I deemed to be ‘healthier’ and ‘full of positivity’ – I really thought of myself having ‘found the way’ while seeking some form of ‘higher purpose/ mission in life’ and presenting myself to people with this ever lasting smile, being servile, being ‘loyal’, being ‘positive’ about life, having a ‘good time’ apparently while smoking the hell away to suppress what I was in fact experiencing and still existing-as, without having had any actual direction to see how I was only creating the exact opposite of my past to apparently ‘wipe it out’ only keeping the same point in place but with a new mask that had to eventually blow out as well.

Now, I mention this ‘positive façade’ because in my mind I became very aware how I didn’t want people to antagonize me, I sought for their approval and the only way was making sure that they liked me/ accepted me = they weren’t able to tease me/ oppose me and that’s how I created a rather ‘happy’ person as a presentation of myself,  which ensured that I got everyone’s ‘appreciation’ and no one would dare to become an ‘enemy’ = fearing conflict. I can see how whenever I deemed someone to not like me, I would immediately react toward such being, which was only me projecting the inner fears that I never dealt-with in fact, because I was just covering-up all the fear with a nice benevolent and meek personality, suppressing the hell that I realized later on I had absolutely ‘blacked out’ from my experience through using weed. Yes, this I only got to know of because of all the writings I’ve kept for over 10 years now, wherein the mind-experience would come out, only to eventually forget about it all the next day. It was quite a shock for me to see how in my mind I link that time of my life as ‘glowing happy years,’ yet in fact they were also hell as I continued experiencing a constant inner-struggle and discomfort in my own skin that I simply managed to  suppress more and more all the time. This became unsustainable and it all burnt out to ashes the moment I found Desteni – thank Anu for that, otherwise fuck knows where and what I would be doing now.

The latter personality is still able to be spotted in my first vlogs wherein a bubbly personality comes-through while letting through at times the actual ‘inner experience’ that I was only covering up, which was exactly the  type of walking contradictions we have become as human beings when fighting against ourselves in our mind, and living a double life within ourselves and toward the world. Yes, complete schizophrenics, but we’re here walking our corrective process.

 

So, this point of the ‘nice person’ is still playing out at times, yet asserting myself as I go. When I was at the farm I would react whenever I would see/ hear conflict. This became so obvious to me at some point and it was so cool to face it in one definitive scenario wherein Bernard just spotted it like that:  ‘You Fear Conflict!’ – and yes I was, my entire body was in this constricted state while presenting myself to be ‘cool with it,’ yet being actually fearing to be ‘in the middle of conflict’ even if it wasn’t ‘directed’ toward myself.  Hence I had to walk through the point of realizing that I will be dealing with these situations and having to direct myself to face  reality and stopping the ‘I’m over it all’ and ‘I’m such a nice person you can’t oppose me’ personas which were created as defense mechanisms to not have to stand up in moments of perceived conflict or create any form of  perceived rivalry/ opposition/ antagonism.

What triggered both personality creations was fear and seeing ways to ‘cope’ with the fear of being vulnerable, fear of being hurt, fear of having to take responsibility for myself, fear of having to confront another, fear realizing that I was still belittling myself toward others. It becomes quite clear to see how we develop coping mechanisms to not have to stand up in common sense, which is ludicrous to even place out like this because it doesn’t make any sense to create excuses to not stand up for what we see is common sense, what we see is required to be done, lived, spoken-up about. Instead of using coping mechanisms, we have to create practical ways to face reality, that’s essentially what we’ve learned through walking this process: how to practically direct ourselves in any given situation that we would have previously simply ran away from/ shut down to not face it.

After I became aware of this fear of conflict once that it was ‘in my face,’   I’ve been walking the process of deliberately taking on points of speaking out, commenting, pressing-myself as common sense regardless of what ‘reactions’ it may trigger, because I see and realize that this is the only way to see and test who am I within those situations.  I am able to direct the point within common sense instead of just wanting to get rid of it and not having to face it at all, or having ‘others’ to do it for me, or eventually just pretending that ‘I don’t care’ which is what I saw was quite the nihilist type of defense mechanism, yet dealing with quite extensive inferiority/ in fear of others which lead to a constant requirement to ‘uplift myself’ to ‘keep up with the pressure.’ We were just discussing how it is really energy-draining to keep-up these ideals of ourselves as personalities, while living here in self honesty, as life, is actually very very simple and effortless as it only requires us breathing here.

We have accepted and allowed ourselves to cage each other in this world ‘keeping up’ nice pictures of ourselves as being affable and smiley as well as creating a tough-rough presentation out of fear. This became quite evident when interacting with people that would seem like absolutely ‘tough’ and ‘rough’ and with a haughty way of carrying themselves and getting to see how they were in fact these ‘sensitive, vulnerable beings’ that had developed such image/ presentation as a defense mechanism toward ‘others/ the world, which is then standing as an ‘inferiority’ point in fact, though we require Equal stance in all ways.

If we look at this point it is essentially how gangs are formed and why they exist the way they do. Look at the Maras, they create such self image to portray this literal ‘fearless image’  as beings that are able to provoke fear in others to protect themselves – why? because they are mostly beings that have been born into circumstances of extreme poverty and abuse that they eventually seek a way out of. That’s how they run away from home and become part of gangs that become ‘their family’ = their security, their way of developing an entire self-image that ‘cannot be fucked with’ using the ‘power of unity’ at its max– all because of fear and probably resenting the fact that they are not being considered as equals in this world. Surviving through using these defense mechanisms becomes part of their being, as their full-blown personality and lifestyle that justifies their actions like committing crimes out of that inner experience of having been disregarded within this system from birth. A usual mindset would be ‘Why would they ‘care’ to not ‘harm others’ without considering how they have been neglected/disenfranchised from birth?’

See how in such gangs, striking up confrontations is  actually part of the rites of initiation for 11, 12 year olds that want to become a part of such gangs. They have to endure all of  the pain and fear to ‘become a man,’ to be ‘over it’ – eventually becoming beings that are in fact only walking with a hard veneer out of fear, fear of others, fear of death, fear of anyone that could have more ‘power’ than them in this world, which translates to once again economical disparity wherein the Maras are usually coming from poverty backgrounds.

 

I realize how I have feared conflict, I see how I have created personalities based solely on ‘fearing others,’ developing a stance of being ‘over this world’ or ‘knowing better’ –  yet the point that differs from what we heard on the interview is how I didn’t remain silent. 

Now that I remember, I deliberately decided to start speaking up because I would see my mind filling the gaps in terms of, for example, seeing two people getting into a form of conflict and I would see the common sense of the point – yet because of seeing myself as not wanting to stir up anything and not wanting to ‘lose my friends’ or not wanting to ‘come across as fill in the gap,’ I would remain like the silent person that pretended to be ‘over such conflicts,’ being neutral, feeling/ portraying myself as some wise person that would only speak if enough ‘wisdom’ was at hand to share – quite a deluded position; and as I bring the point here, as I write and rewind on the points in my life wherein I would ‘feel’ this very same way, it is almost like having to keep up with the character, having to ‘sustain’ such silent frame of mind, such ‘wise person’ and ‘peaceful’ type of being – yet the internal conflict was still there, it only grew and grew – the more fear grew, the more I started compounding this experience wherein the only valve of escape was smoking weed and drawing and ‘listening to music,’ while experiencing myself in perpetual annoyance and irritation toward myself, this world and  everything, because of not seeing a ‘way out’ and it was all because of not having dared to face myself, to walk through that which I was gladly just covering up in an ‘everything is fine’ personality wherein the abuse and the gory aspects of this world had been ‘left behind’ to seek for ‘new healthier horizons.’

From this I can see how having being into spirituality, seeking a god and seeking some form of ‘remedy’ to myself and my “reality” were only ways to mitigate the fear and inner conflict that I experienced within me. It is fascinating that no one never really got to ‘know’ what the hell was actually going on inside me as I moved myself throughout my life, only ‘I’ knew, only I could see how while being with others I could create this ‘everything is fine’ personality, literally like a guru that believes that all conflict is just a mind problem and it can just be ‘sorted out’ by remaining in a perpetual resistance to think, speaking the least possible and ‘simply ‘stopping thinking’ which is and would be equal to trying to ‘stop breathing,’ because we see and understand now in our process how it is not about ‘shutting off our mind’ and our thoughts, but to walk a process of self-correction stand one and equal as our mind = being self-directive through actually participating and interacting with others in our world, instead of being taken by a ride by our own thoughts. This is taking self responsibility for ourselves.

 

How have I supported myself to stop fearing conflict? Through writing, applying and living Self Forgiveness, walking a deliberate process of placing myself in the ‘eye of the storm’ not for the sake of ‘proving myself better,’ but to see who am I within the face of such perceived conflicts/ confrontation and seeing who I am within it: am I able to ‘cope’ with it, am I able to stand fully and not fear speaking up, am I still fearing compromising any ‘idea’ of integrity I may have of myself, which can only exist at the ego level that we are here to stop and correct to stand in common sense as equals. This requires me to deliberately ‘push’ myself to participate, how else would I have known that I feared conflict? I mean, even the reason why I had initially created a blog in a service that wasn’t ‘well known’ was part of keeping myself in a safe zone out of ‘creating conflict’ with people in my reality reading my blogs and eventually having any form of reaction toward myself/ my words. I’m glad to say that I found a way today to bring all my blogs into this domain which is awesome. Yet I could still see the thoughts related to fear coming up in terms of ‘this being a well known domain now and people having more of a direct access to my stuff’ – which is yet again ‘fearing conflict’, ‘fearing exposure.’

It is a matter of walking the correction now because I’ve seen and realized for myself what such apparent ‘superiority’ as  in not speaking/ not participating because of seeing everything and everyone just so ‘out there’ and not having anything to do with me, and keeping myself in a fantasy land feeling like the incomprehensible human being that has this ‘sensitive side,’ yet portraying and carrying myself as the exact opposite to not have to explain myself all the time. It was almost a way of having others ‘fearing me’ to protect myself. This has remained as a point that even people walking this process have expressed having as an ‘idea’ of how I am based on the pictures they see, based on one single point of expression that vlogs are, until getting the actual experience of talking face to face and living together, which enables us to really tear down any beliefs created about each other. I saw then how ‘instilling fear’ is a protection mechanism as well as a form of creating an idea of power based on ‘being above others,’ a way to generate an idea of myself that people can ‘respect’ instead of being someone that is easily ‘picked on.’

Having said this, we can see once again how any form of fear is an actual limitation lived out as ‘who we are’ while remaining as the faithful followers of our personal religions wherein common sense is neglected while sticking to our “safe ways” of existing to not have to face ourselves. It takes a while to fully stop this,  it is only after four years that I am beginning to see how I have created myself in terms of creating positive and negative personalities from the starting point of fear.  From this we can see how this entire world is built upon fear! This must stop here, that’s how all polarity must be eradicated as any reason to be opposing anything or anyone is only separation, a point that we’ve neglected exist within ourselves as well.

We are here to create a world that’s’ best for all and that cannot be ‘questioned’ but simply realized and walked as that principle.

This blog is über lengthy now, but let’s say that the main point here is how stopping fear is the first point to be able to take on our own lives and the world through this process of walking the consequences. The moment we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by the reality we are creating within and without, we become ‘less’ than that which we are creating, which is like a reversed-god complex if we can call it that, making ourselves less than our creation yet portraying a ‘superiority’ image at the same time. Quite unnecessary if we can stop it all by simply walking here as breath.

For this, writing is the tool, self forgiveness implies the self corrective process to walk the correction as we go living every single day. Simplicity is the key, we can just see through these experiences how I complicated my reality by trying to ‘cover up’ fear, instead of seeing fear for what it is: a self created limitation that comes in the form of thoughts that I can work with through writing, applying self forgiveness and directing myself in common sense.

That’s it.

Thanks for reading and suggest you listen to that interview because it was the point that triggered all of this here.

 

polarity as me

 

 

 

 


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