78. Be careful what you wish for

I realize how we live to ‘pursue our dreams and desires,’ however when one gets to ‘fulfill’ such dreams/ expectations, one suddenly no longer wants it, the entire ‘gist’ of keeping ourselves occupied in that yearning/ hoping and dreaming is the actual point of positivity that is generated because of how ‘unreal’ it is, it keeps us busy / occupied in our minds – it is an actual pattern that I realize I have lived when the platonic / ideal point that I pursued was no longer that ‘attractive’ to me once I had it. Once it was fulfilled, I would suddenly search for something else to create as an elusive point to ‘someday fulfill,’ which is how I could keep myself entertained in my mind.

In this case, I’m sharing about getting to experience a bit of what it feels like to be ‘on the spotlight’ in terms of being an artist, selling your work, and doing the usual promotion anyone in such world has to do.

Some background on this:

The way that I used ‘law of attraction’ was daydreaming constantly about being invited to another country to exhibit my work and be famous. Well, that ‘dream’ happened sooner than I ever expected in my life, which lifted my ego and my ‘enthusiasm’ to keep taking photographs, to continue pursuing my ‘artistic career.’ This event took place through the beginning of my second year in art school and I was already on a roll within spirituality, I was beginning to learn how to breathe yet ‘keep calm’ while actually not knowing how to deal with my reactions in such unknown environments and situations.

I went to another country alone, met the people that invited me which had found my photoblog and invited me to take part of this charity-auction and art exhibit. To me it was like a dream come true, but it all turned out to be a rather uncomfortable situation because of the extent of things that I was suddenly having to be doing and saying, being introduced to actual buyers/ ‘rich people’ that would buy the works, I felt like absolutely out of place all of a sudden, I just wanted everything to go back to normal. I got to be tired of having to be walking at the same ‘rhythm’ as this woman that is a rather famous person in her country with a packed agenda every day. I would keep breathing while riding with her and just witnessing all the relationships that she had made in order to make such charity auction with our works – I thought I was going to genuinely enjoy it, but I didn’t based on the judgments and expectations I had held about this event. I was not comfortable at having to present myself as ‘an artist,’ which was like having to deny a constant mirror of my desires to actually be recognized as one. I realized how it was ‘more fun’ to just pursue my desires, but living them out turned out to not be ‘my thing,’ which lead me to experience disillusion and another ‘career crisis’ early on.

Here I walk the Self Forgiveness on having to be with some of the buyers of my photographs and the entire experience as ‘the gifted young talented photographer’ that they portrayed me to be and had announced myself as, I felt like I was cheating everyone just because of not understanding how all characters were fake anyways.

Pattern: Wishing something with all my might and then not wanting it anymore, experiencing myself as a victim of it all.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish something with all my might, daydream about it and eventually when it manifests and I am ‘living the dream,’ I no longer want it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek fame and fortune with a constant daydreaming application about it, wishing to be invited to exhibit my work in other parts in the world and when it did happen, feeling absolutely sad and depressed, simply because of having expectations on ‘me having a great time,’ and instead filling myself with judgments about the money system and the ‘artworld.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel like I was cheating everyone because I was not apparently an ‘artist’ in the proper meaning of the word, which implies that I saw myself as ‘unworthy’ of being there, and because of not believing myself to be the ‘character’ that they were expecting me to be, I experienced inner-conflict because I knew that I had sought this to become ‘true’ as a ‘who I am,’  but I felt that I was simply without a clue and felt ‘lost’ within it all, just because of perceiving myself as ‘less than’ and ‘immature’ to be part of such exhibition.

I Forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, nervousness and constriction in my breathing whenever I was introduced to one of the ‘very important people’ that bought my artwork, wherein I would feel like I was meeting a ‘god’ that I had to make a reverence to, instead of breathing and simply communicating as I would with any other human being.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was selling myself the moment I had to ‘greet the buyers’ wherein I had initially desired to do so for the ‘importance’ it entailed, but in the moment of and when I actually had to do It, I started judging myself and believing myself to be too fake because of having to be smiling according to the idea that I thought I had to present myself as toward ‘important people’ as ‘rich people’ in order to be liked.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child in ‘political situations’ as ‘fancy meetings,’ learn that I had to smile and present myself as ‘gracious’ and ‘delicate,’ over-exerting what I have deemed as my ‘feminine side’ which was in this case backed up by wearing a fancy dress and perceiving myself as being ‘the star’ of the night, putting on the suit of it while judging myself in the back of my head for doing so – I realize it is unnecessary to create such inner conflict when participating in the world if I just shut my mind off and simply participate in it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I must smile and behave as a delicate and charming person’ as if I was ‘enchanted’ by the presence of these people, just because of them having bought my artwork and me complying to the point of having to ‘thank them’ for their contribution and essentially feeling lame for ‘having to lick their boots,’ which is how I had judged these type of interactions while growing up wherein I knew that, even if people could not stand each other and were ‘enemies,’ they would still shake hands, smile at each other and behave ‘politically, ‘ which marked my behavior in ‘society’ in what is considered to be the ‘rich and glamorous’ situations, wherein because this person that organized everything is a ‘star’ I thought I had to mimic her attitude in order to ‘please the buyers.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to ‘please the buyers’ through smiling and behaving in ‘the most correct manner,’ wherein I made sure I would speak with this soft voice and appear as a very ‘knowledgeable’ and ‘profound’ person, just because of believing that that would make me more of an ‘artist’ according to what I have come to believe people expect ‘an artist’ to talk about and express themselves as.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘not know what to say’ when he asks me about the story behind the photos he bought, and feel insecure because of ‘trying to say the right thing,’ as a way to please them, wherein I thought that if I said the ‘incorrect thing,’ my work would not be valuable enough for them, which was an overall uncomfortable situation just because of trying to ‘fit in’ to the expectation that I created in my mind about the people based on the entire event being ‘beyond what I expected it originally to be,’ feeling intimidated by the prices, the money, the party and event in itself, wherein I felt I was completely ‘unworthy’ of being there.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to decide to ‘add more mystery’ to the story behind the photographs just to please the curiosity that I believed the buyer of the work was expecting, wherein I deliberately manipulated my expression to be more ‘poetic’ and ‘thoughtful’ and make simple photographs something ‘really deep’ just to satisfy the buyer, which depicts to what extent I compromised myself just to please people that I deemed as ‘above me’ because of their position being that of ‘being rich/ having loads of money,’ which is how I allowed myself to believe that I had to ‘reverence’ them and do whatever they wanted me to do and be for them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tell him a wondrous story with me aiming to ‘touch his heart’ so as to make myself more ‘valuable’ at the eyes of others, which is how this entire world-system works: build yourself a ‘sellable’ personality, sugar coat words that will delight someone else’s ears that you can benefit from, which in this case was selling my work and having to ‘please the seller’ which was an entire uncomfortable situation because in the back of my head I felt like being a prostitute, having to please the one that gave the money for the works.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to please people based on the perceived power I believe they have over me, wherein I compromised my expression such as smiling and speaking in deliberately manipulated ways so that others can confirm that ‘I am a true artist, she’s worth it!’ Just because of fearing people finding out that I had been taking photographs for less than a year before I was invited, and them feeling cheated for buying work from an amateur, which is how I compromised myself entirely because I never asked the terms and conditions and felt just ‘out of place.’ However, everyone was just playing ‘their part’ in that entire situation and I was just resisting to play the character that I had been invited to play-out initially, yet I saw it all as ‘wrong’ because of the beliefs and ideas of me ‘being honest’ toward others, not understanding how the world system works, but instead wanting to be just this humble spiritual person that gets to be famous. Which created inner conflict when seeing and realizing that I could not simply ‘play the game’ without getting lost in it, so I ended up losing my ground in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be backchatting when people are talking to me, specifically when I am judging their words as something that ‘I have to hear’ because ‘I owe it to them’ and justifying my smile and complacency just because of money, of such people being seemingly ‘superior’ to me due to and because of the amount of money they paid for my work, wherein I feel compromised to have to hear, follow through the ‘artist-buyer’ game, yet feeling absolutely out of place because of me Thinking and becoming emotional in the inside, while having to portray the exact opposite in the outside as ‘being enjoying the moment’ and being ‘comfortable’ with an older man that has a lot of money.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to this man from the moment that he was introduced as the president of some corporation and people telling me that ‘he was a very important person,’ to which I then reacted as in ‘I have to please him no matter what,’ which is how the money system affects and permeates all our relationships when money is the one that decides who plays which character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel better’ about myself when he expresses that he loved the explanation, wherein I feel then positively fulfilled and like ‘I’ve done a great job’ by pleasing others and fulfilling the character expectation of what I believed I had to be toward these people: being a profound and thoughtful ‘young artist,’ and eventually starting getting lost in the flair that I got as the positive feedback from the man upon my work in general and him ‘expecting more of me’ in the future.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start deviating my attention from the moment and start thinking about only going back to the hotel so that I don’t have to be around people any longer, which is how the point went in reverse and from having desired this type of experiences in ‘the Artworld’ of fame and fortune, I suddenly simply started disliking it a lot based on all the backchat I formed around myself not being ‘good enough’ and ‘mature enough’ to be there, which became this uncomfortable energetic experience within me, wherein I believed that I simply was in the wrong place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hypocritical whenever I thought that I had to behave and act in a certain way in order to please people, wherein I could be smiling from ear to ear yet at the same time pondering ‘when is he going to shut up?,’ which is something that I would judge people saying, never realizing I was simply projecting my own backchat onto everything and everyone.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ultimately uncomfortable when he grabbed my hand for an extended period of time as in ‘thanking me,’ which I immediately associated it with something sexual, which is how I started backchatting and judging myself as being a prostitute and fearing that he was ‘checking out my boobs’ in the meantime, which added more discomfort to the moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘fake’ because I was bulshitting people with stories about my work and ‘who I was’ as ‘a young artist,’ which was actually ‘the moment’ to express all the self talk, future projections and daydreaming that I had fed for some years up until that moment, which I came to believe that it had manifested as a result of ‘the law of attraction.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel like I was lying to people, thinking that I had to get a certain ‘degree’ to ‘call myself an artist, which was just me trying to wear some character proudly, never realizing that all characters are equally make-believe and that in no way do they represent who and what I really am, which means that I simply judged myself based on the value and worth that I was giving to money as ‘rich people’ and to ‘art’ and the ‘artworld’ itself, as me not being ‘worthy’ of it, not realizing that it was just people and money that I could have equalized myself to, to walk through the point without reacting. Within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in continuous judgment toward ‘the world system of money,’ wherein I reacted from the very first time that I saw the price to one of the photographs and believing that ‘they simply were not worth it,’ continuing this reaction within myself as in thinking that I had to ‘please people’ because of anyone daring to pay such amount of money for something that I deemed as ‘not worthy of it.’ So

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define money as being ‘more’ than myself, as being something that imposes power over my own beingness wherein due to and because of selling my work with such a price tag, I felt compromised to think of my work as ‘important,’ creating all this value-scheme in my mind based on how I knew that ‘the artworld worked.’ Within this I realize to what extent, I have always reacted to people differently whenever I would get to interact with ‘rich people,’ wherein I tried to behave the best way possible as a way to ‘mimic’ them as what I perceive is ‘who they are’ based on the amount of money they have being translated to ‘being well educated,’ this is without realizing that I was just playing the same game that everyone does in the world system, yet I simply wallowed in judging it instead of not taking it personal, walking through the point and being able to express myself indistinctly of ‘who everyone is’ according to the money they have.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to also feel flattered and feel that my ego was being stroked because of all the compliments which is when I felt ‘good’ about it all on the surface, yet battling inside myself because of seeing it all as ‘too staged’ and ‘too fake’ to be real – never realizing that this entire world was it equally and one a stage, and we are all characters. I realize that all the inner conflict I experienced in that time of my life was because of beginning to realize the lies that we have lived as ‘our life,’ which became instead of an understanding: a burden, judging myself for having to participate in this system, getting to seek to escape it further instead of considering that I could support myself to stand one and equal to it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘lost’ within such event, wherein I allowed myself to be overridden by the appearances of everyone, by the place, the music, the entire situation of me having to play ‘the guest star’ within it all, to which I thought that I had to first ‘actually be’ an artist in order to please people’s expectations of myself as it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start judging everyone when realizing that it was all ‘too fake’ and illusory as everything was just because of money, not realizing that this entire world is existing as that: a staged scenario run by money where people relate to each other based on the economical dependencies formed, wherein those that have the most money are reverenced and pleased with anything they want – and those with no money or below the ‘higher planes’ of society’s members, have to continue working to please the minority with less money to escalate in the social stratus and eventually be and become an elite person like them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shove away all observations and judgments I had toward such charity event even before accepting to go it, and all because of believing that it was all ‘too fake to be real,’ never realizing that this entire world as the society and its functioning created by humans is equally staged and with no common sense direction.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into depression when thinking too much about the environment, the relationships between people as observed through my eye as being of only convenience as ego-recognition and because of money, wherein I start feeling disgusted by having to participating in ‘such event,’ without realizing that I was just witnessing first hand how the monetary system works and how the relationships in this world work base on money and fulfilling each other’s positive experience when money is the driving force of such relationships of ‘abundance.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wallow into sadness while waiting to leave the hotel to go to my hotel and believing that I was used and abused, without realizing that I had complied to be there and play ‘the artist’ as it had been ‘my dream’ for a very long time, not realizing that I was simply being and becoming aware of how the world really works, wherein I realize that judging it is further separation and that I can actually participate in the world system without adding more judgments toward it, but instead ensure that I learn how to walk it through breathing through all the necessary points to ensure I no longer stand as ‘reactive’ person toward this world system of money, but instead work on myself to share and propose the Equal Money System, where no one will ever have to lie to get some money flowing.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience disillusionment about my own dreams that when living them to a certain extent, I simply wanted it all to end as fast as possible, just because of how I had idealized life and the artworld wherein I didn’t really consider what It would mean to have to interact and be ‘famous,’ which I thought to be something great but when having a taste of it, participating in self-judgment and getting ‘depressed’ because of it not being thaw I had envisioned at all.

I realize that I could have only judged myself because of how I had judged money as bad, as something evil and ‘dishonest,’ yet wanting to separate my dreams of ‘fame and fortune’ from such evil, which was obviously an ensured inner battle that became just another reason and excuse for me to want to stop pursuing such dreams by further rejection and reaction toward the people involved in the event, never really considering how I had participated in the entire event and situation with full awareness – and that’s the point to further open up: how we know what we are doing, but prefer to not be aware of it in order to not feel ‘guilty’ for participating, which is absolute self-deception.

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself seeking to fulfill a desire, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a mere point of entertainment in my mind to keep me occupied finding ways to satisfy such desire, when in fact I already know how once the desire is obtained, I eventually create something new to desire as that is the way the mind is constantly occupied seeking for ‘something’ outside of myself, without realizing that I am here and that I do not require to become a desire in separation of myself.

When and as I see myself doubting myself as ‘who I am’ and ‘who I must be’ for others in relation to being a particular profession/ occupation and ‘acting’ like it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I do not require to define me according to a profession, a career and ‘wear the suit’ to be recognized as such – I am a human being that is able to participate and direct oneself in the world within practical ways wherein the point that matters is the consideration at all times of what is best for all to be, do and direct oneself as.

When and as I see myself reacting in inferiority and uncertainty toward people that are deemed/ considered as ‘rich’ because of having a lot of money, I stop and I breathe. I realize that with me reacting to ‘money’ as ‘who they are,’ I am perpetuating the hierarchical system that is imposed onto life according to the value/ worth in separation of ourselves that we have created as the illusionary ‘power’ that money entails upon another being. I direct myself to express myself here, in common sense within the consideration of being talking to a fellow human being and that’s it.

When and as I see myself smiling in a forced manner toward people in order to seem ‘agreeable’ and ‘affable,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is actually a coping mechanism to be liked by others because of believing that If I don’t smile = people won’t like me/ won’t support me in this case to ‘buy my work,’ which is just a social convention that I learned as a child and that I see is not necessary if I instead am able to share myself in common sense without any form of persuasive presentation to be liked/ accepted by others.

When and as I see myself accessing the ‘charming person character,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a coping mechanism so that I can be ‘easily liked/ accepted’ by others, instead of me actually supporting myself to remain breathing, relaxing my face and being aware of the words I speak as an actual expression of myself in the moment, in common sense.

When and as I see myself trying to ‘say the right thing,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am accessing the personality of ‘wanting to be liked/ accepted by others’ which is only self-manipulation as the ‘who I am’ in my mind based on the past. Instead I direct myself to express in the moment with no preconceived ideas of ‘who I am,’ but simply speak in the moment, communicating in common sense.

When and as I see myself using words to be seen/ perceived as being ‘more’ than myself in the moment, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am accessing the ‘agreeable persona’ that seeks another’s acceptance through the belief of me being/ having to be someone ‘special.’ Thus I direct myself to become aware of my expression being here as breath, wherein I ensure that what I speak is a representation of myself in the moment of breathing, sharing with no ‘loaded personality’ to obtain something in separation of myself.

When and as I see myself perceiving that something/ someone has power over me in relation to the amount of money they have, I stop and I breathe. I realize that through me accepting this as a form of ‘authority’ is me perpetuating the same system of hierarchical order that does not consider life. Thus I direct myself to stop all judgments toward others based on ‘how much money they have,’ and communicate in common sense within the consideration of being equal human beings of flesh that communicate.

When and as I see myself accessing the desire to ‘be alone/ be left alone’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating this experience based on the judgments I am projecting onto people, the environment, a place and situation in separation of myself. I thus breathe and realize that I am able to stop creating of any given moment as an ‘experience’ by breathing, walking in self forgiveness the judgments I generate and as such, ensure that I am not defined by people, the environment and the situation, but realize that I am here, breathing, I direct and continue walking.

When and as I see myself feeling uncomfortable with another ‘stranger’ touching me, I stop and I breathe. I realize that in these ‘social situations’ any experience is created by me ‘thinking’ and backchatting about it. I direct myself to not judge and place meanings onto actions that I can instead walk through breathing and at all times remaining in common sense to ensure no abuse is allowed either.

When and as I see myself inflating my ego by receiving compliments about anything I say or do – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am not the judgments that anyone can say about me as all judgments are points of separation as ‘value’ that is in no way who I really am as life – thus I stop any positive or negative reaction by remaining here as breath and self-forgiving any experience that emerges if a word ‘strokes my ego,’ as this is what I am committed to stop: seeking a sense of satisfaction by and through the positive feedback one is able to get from others about ‘who we are’ and ‘what we do’ – which is all personality/ character based.

When and as I see myself feeling like I was being ‘used and abused’ in a situation where money is involved and ‘me’ serving to ‘earn money’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that self-victimization is the way for me to not take responsibility for what I accept and allow in my world, which is how I have to ensure that all that I get myself involved in, I study with care and considering all consequences and outflows of such decision, instead of just allowing myself to be ‘overridden’ by desire and making decisions based on energetic experiences such as desire/ fulfilling dreams that are Not practical ways to make decisions in life.

I commit myself to be and become specific about the contracts that I will sign, about the activities I will be involved with and not hesitate to ask about money and how the actual ‘workings’ of the money earned will work as I realize this prevents further ‘misunderstandings’ and ‘surprises’ based on not having asked from the very beginning in full clarity about it.

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘immediately escape’ a situation by creating backchat where I can degrade everything and everyone around me as a way to justify my ‘way out of it,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize this is a looping-mechanism wherein instead of me taking responsibility for the choices I’ve made, I access the ‘escapism’ that I believe I can apply whenever I am ‘no longer pleased’ with something, instead of actually first taking responsibility for everything that am and become, ensuring that I walk through the consequences in a self-directive manner to not just wish my way out, but instead face what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in a practical manner.

I also realize that the entire outflow of events can be stopped from the very first moment that I see myself participating in backchat and degrading judgments about others/ an event/ environment, which is how we can stop the entire chain of events in this consequential outflow that can be stopped from the very first thought that I see myself participating within, in relation to not wanting to face a point that I have created for myself in/ as my world.

I’ll continue walking this character of ‘the artist.’

Blogs

Day 78: Stepping out of Character

Looking for MORE of mySELF: DAY 78

Looking at Art–what is going on up there?

I went to a museum yesterday. I was originally planning on looking only at Ron Mueck’s sculptures, but ended up spending more time looking at two photography exhibitions.  I decided to write about this even though in my mind there are thoughts of ‘Oh you’ve written about this topic several times already,’ but I certainly require to debunk and expose for myself the exact thoughts experienced when looking at photographs. This is then to expose another part of the personality that I created for myself as a ‘sensitive person’ to images that I have defined as ‘art’ and experiencing at times that ‘no one could feel what I could feel’ when looking at an image. This was more prominent in the past and it was also experienced when listening to particular music or reading particular books – in essence when consuming another’s expression.

The ‘Artist’ personality

The memory that comes up and that I probably didn’t expose for myself yet was when I went to see Gabriel Orozco’s major exhibit in the Palacio de Bellas Artes here in Mexico City. I had recently became aware of his work back then which created or I created a great ‘rift’ within me in terms of his photographs, which was another form of comparing the stuff I was just ‘playing around with’ at that time with photography and how he had ‘already done it.’ After watching the entire exhibit that day, I went to the toilet and cried in the bathroom – why? I don’t know it was like a sense of everything I wanted to do is already done so ‘what the hell am I up for?’ That was during my first year of art school. He became this elusive idea of what I wanted to be, really successful and really wanting the kind of recognition that would enable me to share with the world my views and perspectives on life as there’s always been a desire to share with others how I see the world.

I met the guy one day because he went to my school to record some TV program about him, I even approached him as the ‘fan’ that I was and told him how his work had inspired me – but in fact it was more like being able to relate to how he views the world. Then I gave him some of my old tin boxes filled with dried peels of litchis and I asked someone to take a picture of us. Funny but he is certainly like the Mexican art rockstar and I felt even ‘cooler’ because he studied in my school. It all became irrelevant afterwards though.
I see that the pattern that plays out after visiting an art exhibit,  has been an ‘underlying’ experience that I hadn’t been able to pin point for myself then – this is in my mind not wanting to admit that I am comparing ‘my work’ to others and wondering ‘why am I not there on those walls as well?’

Part of my desires within art – as I’ve previously exposed – were that of recognition and so what emerges is really that resonant aspect that I have attached to ‘art.’ This has played out in a constant polarity coming-and-going point because I am well aware of how I made the decision to not participate in that, yet still having such thoughts coming up which is part of the inherent programming I had attached to ‘marlen as the artist’ which is a tag that makes me revolt a bit when I read it, which is just part of the aspects that we expose for ourselves to be able to walk the correction into equalization.

So, through this process I decided to not ‘seek’ such fame anymore, I stopped any effort to seek for places to show my work and focused on walking my own process. I see there has been also this constant ‘projected blame’ on to my own decision to ‘walk/dedicate myself to process and Desteni’ and leaving all things art aside, merely going to school and do what I had to do without giving it any further input into it, which is certainly required if you ‘wanna be someone’ within the art world. Though this blame is certainly only at a thought level because I wouldn’t be able to be standing in front of a canvass for hours every day pretending to be doing something ‘there’ while being absolutely disconnected from the world I live in ‘here’ – which is how I used to be living my life as an artist. It’s cool to see how this is just a thought-based reaction without really taking into consideration what this would mean in reality such as ‘dedicating myself to art full-time’ in terms of creating art in the most traditional ways. We can certainly direct art to be whatever we want it to be in terms of being able to support ourselves. I tend to be an absolutist within my life which is something I have to balance out to give myself proper time for everything and not just renounce to ‘the world’ for the sake of ‘only’ doing something and that’s it.

Going to Museums

There has been a pattern that comes up when ‘visiting museums,’ there is a point that ‘drives’ me to it which I simply haven’t been able to realize ‘why’ I go – It can be to get some sort of ‘inspiration’ which I’ve been calling feedback and simply seeing what is being created in the institutionalized art world; the other one is for the creation of the experiences which I am still ‘seeking’ to get from going to see art – that’s one of the points I can see is something I am not fully admitting because of perceiving that is dishonest- though it’s even more so to keep it secret even for myself.

Back to the Museum point. These two particular photography exhibitions were of Mexican photographers from the first half of the past century and the pattern that emerges when watching some of them is: ‘they’ve done it all already’ or ‘I do similar stuff, why aren’t my pictures on museums?’ or ‘why am I not famous?’ ‘Why haven’t I sold any images yet?’ – well, by this I mean in an actual art market.

Back to the point to debunk here:  I am in front of the image and I think ‘I’ve done stuff like this’ – comparison

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with a mental judgment to an image I am viewing and immediately link it to ‘my work’ wherein comparison emerges as a way of being able to ‘equate’ what I do to that which is considered ‘art’ and is inserted in such sphere/ category of ‘importance,’ ‘value’ and ‘admiration’ that I have given and imprinted to images within the context of a museum as ‘consecrated art’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder ‘why I am not there?’ which is a reaction that comes after comparing ‘what I do’ to what I see in museums and seeking my own benefit of  ‘being recognized/ admired’ through presenting photographs, just so that ‘I’ in the form of photographs could be looked at equal-to such artists which people have already placed in a pedestal, creating a sphere of respect and recognition around them, which is what I would aspire to get to as well.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that within comparing ‘what I do’ to others is in fact seeking to make myself ‘worthy’ at my own eyes, worthy at the eyes of others and seeking a form of validation through ‘stuff’ that I do which I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a wallowing point while ‘admiring’ someone’s work because I consider that ‘it’s been done, what am I doing then?’ – in this existing as the desire to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ in terms of creating/ taking ‘unique’ pictures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give ‘value’ and ‘worth’ to something that I can conceive as ‘unique’ and ‘special’ within my own value-schemes which is nothing else but a make-believe system that supports no one, that is in fact not real and that cannot be of any support to who I really am as Life here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into memories of people ‘recognizing my work’ back in the day and experiencing it as a ‘consolation’ to my self created defeatism the moment I am staring in front of the photograph, in means of ‘uplifting myself’ when seeing myself ‘diminishing’ me according to this process of comparing ‘my work’ to others’ work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this possession around ‘what I do’ as ‘my work’ and within this creating an entire personality and alternate reality of myself based on ‘what I do’ being ‘my own’ as something that defines me, that values who I am and that gives me some type of ‘self-worth’ which is in fact a creation outside of myself.

I stand in front of a photograph I like for whatever reasons I could find in the moment – light, textures, contrasts, topic which I usually coming from a point where I can ‘relate’ to it –  and what I see is wanting to ‘possess’ the picture, be the owner of it, being able to say ‘I took this’ and be proud of it/ feel good about it. This is really funny when writing it out because we can see it’s all ego bs, but it’s how it exists at the moment, so best to expose it for what it is so that I become aware of what plays out in the back of my head while watching these photographs, masking it/ overshadowing the initial experience and thoughts with ‘amazement’ and ‘profound attention’ which is me just trying to eat the whole thing up and make it ‘my own.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘possess’ and want to ‘own’ that which I believe  is superior to myself, that which I see is ‘better than me’ in order to be able to ‘control’ it and feel ‘equally-cool’ to it within my self-created schemes of value/ worth that are only relevant to myself in my mind and have no direct reference to myself in this reality where a picture is just  a picture and I am just an observer of that picture – end of story.

The point of debunking this entire sentimentalism experienced when ‘looking at art’ has been a point I’ve worked with for quite some time now. I remember talking about being a visual vicious almost at the beginning of my process, which is what I have been deliberately stopping in the sense of making everything ‘more than it is’ within my mind – but I still take photographs and I still run into these thoughts and participate within them. I’m not as obsessed as before, but it’s still playing out whenever I am placing myself in a room where all you have to do is look at videos and photographs and sounds that may accompany them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of ‘despair’ whenever I am done looking at an image that I liked just because of me having wanted to be ‘the one’ that was there, hanging on a wall as a photograph. It’s all ego based certainly but there is also a desire to share and to ‘make others feel what I feel’ which is also personality-based and won’t ever be ‘real’ in terms of all experiences being but a mind creation.

In essence in terms of photographs is just presenting reality to another from a certain perspective, it shouldn’t be any different to anything else like reading, looking at our environment, watching TV or any other thing we do with our eyes = no added ‘value’ or ‘worth’ within that and just take reality for what it is – they can either be supportive or not, it’s not about comparing myself to each word/ image as words just like images and this world in its entirety is just here and we can only use them as tools to express and convey a message without trying to make of the message something ‘profound,’ or seeking to ‘touch the core of the being’ with it which is what I tried to do somehow in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project on to ‘what I do’ my own desire for recognition and desire to please others wherein I wanted people to experience what I was experiencing within me, I wanted to make others ‘see what I saw/ how I saw it’ for the sake of creating a sense of ‘relationship.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to ‘connect’ with others without realizing I haven’t even gotten to know myself completely which is the primary point of connection/ self-recognition that I actually sought for within beginning an art-career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to ‘connect’ with others without allowing me first to ‘connect with myself’ as the point of self-acceptance and self-revelation wherein I stop seeking others to ‘confirm’ who I am and give ‘value’ to it, but instead I walk the process to get to know myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek ‘freedom’ through creating art in separation of myself instead of realizing that getting to know myself and creating myself is the actual freedom one can give oneself in this lifetime.

When it all began….

Memory pops up – when I began painting, I did a bunch of stuff and would keep it to myself. I created an ‘msn group’ to share them with some friends I had in the internet back then whose opinions ‘mattered’ to me in the sense of them being also into writing or music. I became then more ‘aware’ of the paintings having an impact on others, this is probably the moment where I started making of these drawings and paintings something ‘more’ because they started getting recognition and admiration from others. The moment that I showed it in ‘real life’ to my friends, they would also like it and appreciate it  the same way, which began creating a certain ‘fulfillment’ within me after I had only expressed myself in what I deemed the ‘cheapest way possible’ in a literal sense of what that implies. Yes money is also part of the limitations to create art obviously.

When watching some of the photographs at the museum  – besides the entire inner tantrum of ‘why aren’t my pictures here?/ why am I not recognized?’ there is this desire to want those people to see what I do and probably get equal recognition from them. This is probably why meeting such ‘artist’ I mentioned earlier and giving him the link to my blog seemed like something pertinent to do – lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be recognized by the people that I have deemed as ‘superior’/ ‘good’/ ‘masters’ in what they do so that I could have a ‘space’ next-to-them wherein I see and realize I have been keeping a sense of value and worth upon people wherein I become my own measuring point to ‘become like them,’ but from the ‘seeking fame/ recognition’ perspective to eventually ‘out do them.’

This is my own capitalist mind in the form of ‘innocent values’ attached to images and art creation – fascinating because as much as I could have criticized the exorbitant prices that art-pieces are sold for, I have been giving them just the same type of value and superiority according to my own schemes of what they are worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be devaluing or not valuing myself which is the inferiority play out whenever I react and seek ‘recognition’ from what I perceive as ‘great artists’ and ‘great people’ which is another way of wanting to manipulate the world to suit my needs and desires of being recognized.

There is nothing wrong within taking someone as an example – yet the point is being aware of how to stand equal-to that instead of creating an entire comparison point wherein we try to either ‘equate’ ourselves to the person from the ego perspective, to eventually ‘out do’ them or actually supporting ourselves to become more effective in what we do, whatever the action/ doing is about.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to look at art unconditionally from people that are ‘famous’ = recognized by the system, and instead accessing a projected valuing-system wherein I become the measuring point in relation to them wherein I am comparing myself to others’ creations and from there, assessing ‘how good/ bad I am’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually go to museums and watch photographs not from the entire starting point of ‘self enjoyment’ and self-reflection, but as an actual measuring point in terms of ‘where I stand’ in comparison to them.

This brings up a memory of a point that I could identify myself with when watching the movie ‘Pollock’ who was btw the first painter that really got me into wanting to paint. He appears saying one of his ‘famous’ quotes: ‘Fuck Picasso! he’s done it all’ while being drunk as hell. That’s the same I could experience in that moment when reacting emotionally to seeing the work of artists and comparing myself to them.

Funny because I had deemed myself not as an ‘artist’ but as someone that paints, takes photographs, draws and makes some videos for the sake of enjoyment. But when it comes to relating to ‘other artists,’ the self definition comes up and what is existing then is this desire to be  ‘at the same height.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use humbleness as a mask to cover up my own desires for recognition – no wonder polarity is such a fuck up really, both poles perpetuate one another.

When watching these photographs and video by Suter other points emerged – besides the ‘I’ve made a video just like that, I have a photo just like that’ points, the money aspect came up. I read all the institutions and sponsors of his work which gives me an idea of how he’s able to print photographs on gesso or use massive copper plates as the media for his photographs. He reminded me of another artist from Colombia which became part of another ‘downfall’ at that time in terms of discovering artists and being ‘profoundly  touched’ by their work- lol whatever that meant at that time which is something along the lines of becoming emotional, I would cry about these type of things like ‘being too sensitive’ for the world  and using photographs as a way to make others see what I saw, wanting to be ‘understood’ without realizing that only mind systems seek for recognition, seek to be understood and ultimately seek to be ‘special’ or ‘different to the rest of the people’ due to such ‘view’ on life.

All about the same personality traits.

So, I’ve opened up the point here which is a superiority/inferiority mechanism that is triggered when comparing myself to others that I deem as ‘good’ at something, this can be extended to virtually everything and it can only be ego based wherein I am judging myself, my expression and what I do and then projecting it in comparison to another’s expression and abilities, which is literally wanting to run a race against ‘air’ itself because it’s all based on mental schemes of what is of value and worth in relation to others. A reverend mindfuck indeed.

Coming back Here

This is something that I had written out last Saturday and left it ‘hanging’ for a while because of perceiving that I had opened up a ‘vast’ point and that it required a major re-cap to continue, which I realized now when I got myself ‘back to it’ that it was all a mind creation of it, just as everything else that I perceive is ‘too much’ and ends up being nothing else but a mere idea of it being ‘too much’ in my mind.

I went to another museum yesterday, this time being more aware of being driven by the general material that has been emerging around this particular exhibit which is what caught my attention. This time I got to see stuff that was challenging the current accepted concepts of identity, economy, society and the general names we’ve given to everything in this world, turning it all into something very obvious to see and become aware of once that you get a proper read of the work – which is something that I still doubt happens in its totality as a form of becoming an educational tool. I see this ‘flaw’ in these type of conceptual works, you require a certain reference and knowledge to be able to ‘get it’ otherwise it remains as an intellectual non-comprehensible joke.

At least this time this exhibition showed more of an overall reflection on the current system we’re living in which is something that must definitely be expanded as a general activity of us human beings living in this current context, starting questioning it to see how we have configured it this way.

This brings us back to the point of self-creation as being our own work of art wherein we redefine art to the actual creation of ourselves as Equals wherein non of this entire value-system mindfuck will be able to exist because it’s all been inherently linked to an entire star-system in the art world wherein only a ‘selected few’ get to be ‘on top of the world’ and getting all the money and recognition while the rest are left outside of the circuit in its entirety.

This entire system we’re living in is based on competition which is linked to the money system in all ways as well, therefore this will become an obsolete aspect once that we are able to live and express regardless of any specific ‘framework’ of reference such as the ‘art world,’ we’ll be able to create and live and use art as a point of self-reference instead of making of it an entire ‘entity’ of ‘our own’ that can be compared and valued when placed against others and go to the extent of ‘valuing’ ourselves according to how it is judged/ perceived by others. Individuality will not be a synonym of specialness, uniqueness as the usual connotations of value/ worth we’ve attached to it, but as an equal-existent expression within its own set of conditions that cannot possibly be ‘the same’ for all individuals, yet equally able to express and create as there will be no limit to this in the form of a savage monetary system that is currently nullifying the ability to express for many beings in this world.

Suggested read: the picture world and self expression

Transforming Art from Mind Occupation to Self Expression