Tag Archives: physical body

458. Physical Support: Sharing Feedback

Or What have I been focusing on in relation to assisting and supporting my physical body?

I realize that I have not yet shared some of the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points (according to my mind) that I do test out and apply in my day to day related to physical movement and support.

There’s so much understanding about who we are in our minds and how we essentially handicap ourselves through experiences that we accept and allow, that essentially we can challenge ourselves in every move, as minute as it can be, and testing this out in terms of how much we limit ourselves in our self-movement for example based on notions of tiredness, or plain laziness as in ‘leaving something for later’ when in fact, who we are as the body is always ‘ready’ and ‘stable’ and ‘running’ as in being processing and living, doing all we need to keep ourselves alive, while we are at a conscious level very unaware of it all.  I’ve taken so much of my body for granted for a long time and I am becoming more inclined to focus more on it, considering that I am one of those persons that believes ‘I am not in contact with my body’ or ‘cannot perceive the changes that food creates in it’ or ‘can’t identify the state in which my body is’ – but, lately, this has been changing bit by bit.

I’ll share some examples of testing things out more at a physical level in terms of physical support. I’ve  challenged myself for now over a year and a half to start jogging, which is something I truly thought I was just not meant to do/not capable of doing at all, and I did the whole thing of starting small, bit by bit building the condition, the consistency, the direction that is required to also get to jog which is early in the morning which means creating a discipline to wake up early and start exercising and being directive instead of giving into ‘tiredness’ or just plain laziness.  One thing I’ve recently noticed is that I had wanted my condition to develop ‘faster’ like not getting tired at all while jogging, or not getting any muscle pains after jogging or exercising – but this still comes up and in referencing these points, there is this patience that exists in developing a condition, not ‘waiting’ for a particular experience at some point around it, but just doing it, while also keeping an eye on how my body goes responding to it.

And I have been testing many things on how my body fluctuates in this condition based on ‘the time of the month’ and based on the foods that I take, based on the amount of sleep, shoes, weather… lots of things that can create a variable in my experience when exercising, though I did notice that I had been too ‘pushy’ at times with doing it every single day and even if noticing that maybe I’d like some ‘day off’ in some periods of time, I just didn’t give myself/my body this time off and so what started happening recently is that my ‘time frame’ of jogging became more, meaning I was going slower and having more and more pains in the body therefore feeling the whole jog time as a really ‘hard time.’

After I reference this experience, I realized I did ‘kind of knew’ deep inside me that: hey maybe you have to slow down a bit with doing this every single day and instead give the body a rest – but here, I imposed my discipline (my mind) upon my body in this idea that I had to do it ‘every single day’, which means I wasn’t really listening to the pain in the body related to ‘doing it every day’ and considering a more supportive schedule for it.

So, I cross-referenced this and got to consider not doing it ‘every day’ but one day jogging and one day off and so forth – and I got to see the difference quite noticeably which was a very cool lesson here to see how yes my body stands as that resilience, that ability to ‘keep going’ but, I also have to stand as that  equilibrium, that ‘measure’ where I don’t push myself ‘more’ than what I can physically stand and so also listening to/considering my physical body in this, which in my case and my physical body means not ‘overdoing’ something to follow my mind’s notion of discipline, but to Listen to my body as well and not take the pains as just something that ‘will always be there.’ And this is just the beginning of this process of re-adjusting ‘my ways’ imposed to exercising, but decided to share so as to not wait until I have walked this point for another year and a half to share the results, because I had not even shared in a blog about this process of starting to jog for the first time as part of a daily exercise routine which I still have to normalize in terms of the recent discoveries around it. Possibly one day jogging, the other day just stretching and or resting completely and then jogging again the next day, will see.

Here, it might seem ‘easy’ for anyone familiar with exercise or sports to make a decision like this, but to me, I always ‘disliked’ sports and jogging around was like a penitence in school, so it’s been definitely awesome to see how I can stand as a point of self-movement and actually MOVE as my body, to persevere in that decision as well that I’ve made which I of course have to admit hasn’t always been ‘immovable’  as there’s been full weeks I haven’t gotten to do the jogging wherein the reason can vary – the time of the month, some minor physical discomfort, ‘being more tired’ which has to do with the mind entirely and so sorting that aspect out –  but I also don’t judge myself because that only creates a pit of regret of which is difficult to step out, but instead simply make a clear decision at night ‘going at it again tomorrow’ and so, live the words: do the waking up in the morning, start with stretching and then off we go to the track in the park. This is one seemingly simple ‘discipline’ but, it has assisted me quite a bit with pushing my own beliefs and boundaries on having a ‘bad condition’ or ‘not the kind of body that is suitable for running’ or ‘having a weak heart’ and all sorts of beliefs I also contributed to build throughout my life, which I mostly fueled in order to escape physical education class lol, and other social situations like going to hikings and things like that because I believed I would not be able to endure it, which was yes also a case but probably had to do with developmental years or something.

So, this has been also a process of testing out my ‘endurance’ in my body. I also continue to test out what foods work for my body, and definitely more than interested to learn to read my body more, to become more physically aware because I had neglected myself quite a lot in giving more value to the mind and not at all to myself, my body, the substance that is here as this whole ‘thing’ that allows me to breathe, live and be here, that one constant ‘companion’ as me that continues to stand and breathe and do all of its processes regardless of how I might feel in my head… and this is something to acknowledge and honor as the physical body and so, it’s been a commitment for me to not follow the usual trends where people ‘grow older’ and start also growing bigger, but instead to challenge that to a point that is suitable for my body and within this learning to honor and care for my body, not for appearance sake, but to be ‘fit’ as in functional, in good health and condition which is an inner and outer process that I can give to myself and can relate to the time and process it takes to cook meals for myself that I can enjoy, that I can also do for my partner and both have been paying a lot more attention to this whole health aspect for the sake of considering our physical body, which has been very supportive.  I see this as a ‘no brainer’ to focus on as well in my day to day living.

Another point we’ve been testing for probably half a year now is to massage every day, yep! I always saw this as impossible like ‘yeah come on, how can that be done!’ but fortunately my partner is quite the diligent man when he proposes to do something, so he’s been quite directive in this mutual support and making the schedule/time for it, even in times when it’s been one of those ‘long days’ we might shorten it to a back massage instead of a full body massage, but needless to say that this is also a daily test for me to see ‘who am I’ and ‘Where am I’ while massaging and it’s been really great to see how there was a ton of resistances to move to do the massage, of course! We like to receive isn’t it? But when it came to me, man, I did have to push myself until we continued to discuss this presence that we have to be and stand as while massaging, not focusing on ‘something else’ but moving, moving as the body, as that support that we want to give to ourselves as each other. So, this consistency in daily massage has been yet another awesome physical point of support to develop consistency, to the point where it is only now I’d say becoming a lot more physical and ‘natural’ if you will to do so, to make it part of the routine of the day which also proves that doing/building/creating something in physical reality and making it ‘the new me’ as ‘our new nature’ takes time.

Massaging has also been extremely supportive in terms of the relationship, having that moment to come together and assist our physical bodies and definitely has assisted in those days as well where there were moments of disagreements or misunderstandings where that becomes the physical point of confronting each other and in essence walk a forgiveness and laying out things clear while massaging and wrapping up the day in that decision to support each other in the massage. It has also been a great way to initiate sex as well, which I’ve also found out many times I still get the notion of ‘naaah not now’ but I also then have been testing this point of physically moving, physically making that decision to express and voilà, it works, absolutely. And these thus have been moments where I have been definitely applying myself in deciding ‘who am I’ in these very physical activities that I would usually as per habit  still bring some laziness or procrastination around it.

So these things are one of the more ‘physical’ aspects in my process yet have had a clear support to myself, my body and in this case my relationship as well since we are both on the same track when it comes to assisting our bodies, learning how to eat better and I have to say that I have learned a lot from his consistency and diligence in his own routines and ways, which I take as an example to do the same and stand equal to what I see he’s being capable of following through with. So, it’s a great set of pointers to integrate to one’s relationship as well, physical activities and physical body care, along with obviously the mind processing that goes with it, very, very fulfilling and assisting ‘real time’ with real challenges that sure, can be met with ‘resistance’ initially but the trick is to keep breathing, keep ‘going’ and that’s where I’ve seen how I can stand as these words that the physical body represents to me, which is for now very much geared in this self-movement and pushing some previously-imposed boundaries/limitations onto myself and so my body.  This awareness and process at a physical level is also only one of the outflows of walking the Desteni Process where one does not only integrate realizations at a mind level, but is then able to live them through at a physical level in the seemingly ‘small details’ of our day to day lives. I’m forever grateful to have done this rotund change in my ‘lifestyle’ with this process Sonrisa

Thanks for reading.  

 

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176.Imagining the worst case scenario: Obstacles to Protect Self Interest

Continuing with Procrastination CharacterImagination and the reactions to it

You can read more about the exploration within the Imagination dimension in the following blog: 169. Imagination as a Distraction to Not Do things

 

Now, I have walked the thought-dimension of the image of the office and me creating an experience of dread and further anxiety due to the ‘impending doom’ of actually having to confront the professor with my writing itself.

Then there is the other imagination point which is a future projection moment wherein I am facing all the ‘jury’ and presenting my work and expecting the worst which in this case would be them pointing out that my work has nothing to do with my career.

The third point of imagination is having to go through all the ‘paper work’ go get this done, from printing the document to all the necessary permits and letters and all of that scholar bureaucracy that I have also resisted to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within giving energy to the thought of me being at the office, start ‘rolling the imagination’ and playing out a future possibility of my professor simply pointing out that such writing is not acceptable/ is nowhere near finished, and that I have to re-do it all over again wherein I create an experience within my mind within this imagination moment of anxiety and absolute petrification because this means that I have to actually re-do the whole thing again, without realizing that this worst case scenario is only revealing to me how I am entertaining my mind and how I am allowing one single point of imagination to prevent me from actually simply physically doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as incompetent and not good enough when confronting my work with my professor, partly because of fearing that I won’t satisfy the praising of art based on the belief that I have with regards to me having to ‘praise my career’ in such paper, instead of actually realizing that this is my opportunity to be self honest and that as such, this self-investigation does not have to be compromised in any way – I also realize that I am within this participation in imagination, making everything a lot more than what it actually is which is just a protocol aspect of finishing a career, wherein instead, I have allowed myself to go into/ sink into anxiety and fear and what if’s, entertaining me in my mind with all these negative future possible outcomes as imagination, which I have used as an excuse to simply not do anything at all about it.

I realize that within this fear I also immediately realize it for ‘what it is’ and then, a laxity comes after this whole play out wherein it is as if I’ve become ‘comfortably numb’ so to speak with regards to this situation, which actually not acceptable as it is once again, just another way of me giving into energy that seems ‘harmless’ because I am not actively participating in fear, but within that seemingly ‘stable’ calmness I have created my own ‘sedative’/ chill pill within my mind wherein I simply stop looking at those thoughts BUT, instead of moving and taking the opportunity and moment to actually MOVE, I instead leave it for later which is then a point that is revealing to what extent I have made ‘okay’ within my mind to simply not work on this, which is actually based on actual fears emerging within  the imagination and an actual anxiety experienced that I have managed to ‘stop’ in a moment, however it obviously returns because the physical correction is not being done, which means: I can stop fear in the moment as an experience within the entire imagination, and I can stop participating in imagination – however, the point returns and will return as long as I don’t simply do it.

 

When and as I see myself going into imagination point of talking within my professor’s office and hearing the words that indicate that I have to do it all over again, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this imagination is only an excuse for me to actually not do it based on fears and future projections and whatnot which is simply a point of distraction instead of actually DOING IT. I also realize that I can stop the imagination and I can stop the reaction in one breath, however, this same image will continue haunting me as long as I don’t actually DO IT and give it physical direction – this is how I see and realize that no matter if we stop all our participation in thoughts, backchat and imagination and reactions, if we don’t do it, such stopping will simply be another chill pill/ instant placebo remedy wherein we actually then participate in the ‘positive imagination’ in order to make it alright and get back to the ‘feeling good/ better about myself’ in my reality through talking to myself about things that I am doing/ that I can do instead/ that I would ‘rather do’ instead of committing myself to this task.

I commit myself to stop the laxity that comes after relieving myself from these reactions and future play outs within the realization that yes, I am participating in my mind and that is not required in order to do things –however it takes an actual physical movement to ensure that I do not remain the laxity toward my compromise to get this done and believe that ‘fear is just for further self-control’ wherein I talk myself into reasoning why creating fears is simply not necessary to do things, however remain without doing them – thus I commit myself to stop fooling myself when it comes to this ‘stability’ that I know and realize is also a cover up to the actual anxiety that has been suppressed about this point by my own procrastination toward it based on ‘reasoning’ the doing instead of physically doing it.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the future projection/ imagination point of being in that room where examinations take place and being facing a series of people looking at me with a ‘what the fuck’ face, and going into fear because of realizing that my work is not directly linked to ‘art creation’ itself but more of a self-creative process wherein I am my own prime matter – within this creating a reaction of absolute fear and anxiety when projecting myself within this imagination and going into further backchat – which I will explore later –wherein I while being here and imagining all these aspects, go into fear, shut down everything related to ‘doing that work’ and instead focus in ‘something else’ that must be done, which is me then using other responsibilities as an excuse to not do this, while fully seeing how it is linked to this mind-creation of rejection by the academy toward my work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pessimistic about my work, myself and my presentation toward others, wherein while imagining myself presenting my work with others, I see myself trying to sound ‘convincing’ to others and fearing them just not ‘buying it’ without realizing that I don’t have to be convincing others in order to present myself, my writing, talking about it and replicating with common sense at all times

When and as I see myself using the future projection of being in the examination room with people and believing that they are rejecting/ not buying my explanation and me going into absolute nervousness and stumbling upon my own words – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only creating this worst case scenario in my mind as an excuse to actually not Do things  – thus

I commit myself to stop pondering about the ‘what ifs’ and instead commit myself to do it, as I see and realize that it must be done no matter how long it takes – I have to get it done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of disgust and even tiredness whenever I imagine having to go here and there and print and move with lots of permits and paperwork to get this done, wasting money/ time which I have considered as being very ‘valuable’ within me –without realizing that this is one of the aspects of walking the system, or realizing how things work and function whenever one decides to get a proper title and also realizing that I am making it a lot more in my head based on what other people would tell me with regards to ‘all the time it takes’ and ‘all the paperwork’ which I have created as this foggy load in the back of my head when imagining myself having to go through the same process due to me believing that it will just be ‘too much,’ which is how I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself based on the Idea that I create of something/ a particular task, instead of simply focusing on Doing it physically and walking through the necessary points breath by breath, as this is how I have also walked an entire career already  – breath by breath, walking Through it and not wasting my breaths hooking onto the ‘experience’ of going through it.

When and as I see myself imagining the entire process of going to all these offices with bright white light and waiting, and sitting and moving around from campus to campus in order to get the papers done and making it an absolute ‘brick’ on the top of my head wherein I go into this heaviness and dread and apathy to do it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is part of the points that I must walk through in order to get things done – thus I stop judging, I stop listening to the voices of the memories that indicated/ told me about how ‘dreadful’ and ‘tiresome’ and ‘annoying’ this whole process was which I have used as an excuse to simply not do it at all, which is unacceptable since I am simply at the very last stage of getting this done and as such, I cannot ruin it all just by one single imagination aspect of me having to go through all of these things and making it a lot more than what it in fact is in my mind.

I commit myself to stop participating in the imagination play out of me going to all of these offices and institutional dependencies from the university in order to get the necessary paperwork and instead focus on me walking every step breath by breath and realizing that there are No Shortcuts to this, it must be done, it can be done and it is simply one aspect of the entire process of me walking through this entire phase of my career, unconditionally.

 

I see and realize that this means that I don’t have to create a future projection of getting something done the way that ‘I want to get it done’ which is base on my exigencies of wanting everything to be done perfectly, without any ‘obstacles’ and without any ‘objections’ from others which is then part of the ‘controller’ personality that I see and realize will be part of debunking this entire process which is in essence wanting everything to be done ‘perfectly’ and ‘fine’ with no problems/ no flaws without realizing that this is all existent as this ‘immaculate process’ within my mind instead of actually physically dedicating myself to do it.

 

So how can I be holding on to this imagination and thinking about this point being done ‘perfectly’ and ‘without any objections’ if I am not practically and physically simply doing it?

 

I see and realize how much we can fool ourselves in fears and imaginations and future projections as a justification to not do things, whereas if we had our physical body deciding to imagine how ‘awful’ it would be to digest our food the following day, or having to process a physical activity and becoming fearful of having to ooze the toxins while working out or having to digest and poop out our food, we would be dead as nothing in our physical organism would be / get done – thus if I am standing up for Life in Equality – I equalize myself as my physical body that is unconditional to move and physically function 24/7 every single day as long as I am breathing here – and that’s the reality of physicality – I stop participating in bullshit alternate realities of the mind as ‘obstacles’ of self interest

Ludicrous and must stop here – but this will continue lol

 

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130. Killing the Loved Ones

 

‘I’ll kill you/her/she/them!’

Continuation from: 129. Will Love and Lighters end up Killing People?

This is one of the backchat points that can be found within the desire  to control someone, which is wanting to manipulate another for the sake of acting/ doing things our way/ getting our point of Happiness. Whenever the person does Not recede to our point of control, backchat may emerge in an insulting, denigrating manner toward the unsubordinated person and one of the ‘most negatively charged’ type of backchat exists in the form of ‘I HATE YOU/HER/HIM’ or ‘I WANT TO KILL HER/HIM/THEM ALL’

 

Now, what does all the positive thinking on ‘light, love, bliss’ has to do with the point of negative backchat such as ‘I want to kill you/he/she/them?’ It is an extreme bouncing off from the positive experience, it is the extreme polarity once that someone ‘had it all’ and then ‘lost’ it as a point of self definition, unleashing then the opposite-directly proportional input of positivity back into negativity – that’s when we can identify our ‘downfalls’ and ‘depressions’ and whatnot that can escalate through our own participation up to a point of absolute mind possession labeled as ‘mental instability’ by the psychiatrists that do want to make the most for their pockets out of a seemingly neuronal-hormonal dysfunction.

In other words, this can only happen if we give too much head to such negative experience, eventually becoming nothing else but the absolute opposite of the initial all-positive input of loving someone for example – there’s even a saying ‘from love to hate there’s only one step’ – and it is so, because the starting point of love is not an equal and one standing as physical beings of flesh and bones that care for themselves = care for one another in physical well being considerations – no, love means in our colloquial vocabulary just passion, energy, bubbles in the stomach that become an absolute life-hijacking obsession that is specifically directed to a point of possession a.k.a. wanting to control the other being, wanting to feel special with that something or someone, wanting to ‘fulfill the dreams’ that only existed as a positive experience in our minds.

 

This is how we can see MANY demonic-possessions today – which are MIND-possessions and should be understood as synonyms nowadays, wherein boyfriends attack their girlfriends – or vice versa – ending up slitting their throats, killing them, hitting them to ‘make them look ugly’ and one cannot possibly fathom: ‘but wait, I was sharing my life this man, I had sex with this man, how could it possibly be that the next day he’s trying to kill me!’ – and this is precisely where the role of the mind as a literal entity occupying our physical must be understood: the problem is thinking, the moment we think, we are already existing in an alternate dimension in our minds – and in that, hell is not far away. You may say: well, then we’re all living in hell, because we All all the time, and that is correct and that is what apparently makes us these ‘supreme beings’ that can THINK – but is it really so? Who invented this type of judgment but ourselves as human beings that deep inside actually fear NOT being in control of Anything or anyone that exists here.

 

In past blogs when revising words as the imposition of man’s mind upon the physical reality, this relationship of control was seen, which later on became the money language that we are currently living with and by, it is to understand who/ what do we have to accept and allow ourselves to exist as in order to voice/think a sentence like ‘I want to Kill Him/Her/them’ and in other cases ‘Me’ as well. Here is the deal: not many people can deny that this sentence has crossed their minds in an absolute moment of an absolute negative experience which within the understanding of how the positive and negative exist, means a ‘Fall from Heaven’ to the absolute opposite – why? Because of all the expectations we built in our MINDS only – reading again, yes only in our minds – about getting/ being with/ experiencing ourselves with something or someone ‘for the rest of our lives’ which is the usual bullshit peddled in our media about these everlasting relationships for example. And this is primarily focused on wanting to Kill the Loved One, which for all cases should be the most shocking and extreme type of betrayal toward one’s conception – meaning creation of the concept – of what love is/ should be, it is as ‘frightening’ as can be, because every single bit of relationship that exists now as ‘our society’ is apparently founded (or found dead) upon love – have a look at the promotion of these experiences as something marvelous and real: having a partner, getting married, having kids, creating a family, having pets, your relationship to god,  your job, your neighbor – everything is promoted as these bubbly stages of your life wherein you are supposed to be ‘Luvin’ it’ all the way – and it’s actually quite fascinating how we can find a note in the news on a daily basis about apparent ‘loved ones’ killing each other, people hating their jobs, people bugging their neighbors ‘just because,’ people eating their children, people killing themselves or others because of their relationship with god, men killing their ex-wife and children because of a marital break-up, and the list goes on and on and frightfully on.

 

“The moment we make that decision, acceptance and allowance in the trust that whatever the mind present to us is ‘who we are’ and we continue participating in the backchats and energies, with participating as the more and more we continue talking in our minds and experiencing the energies without stopping them/investigating them: what one will find is that they become more and more intense in the mind, the more and more one remain in the energy reaction and so the backchat/thoughts/behaviours that it substantiate in the character/personality possession.” – Sunette Spies*

 

What is Wrong with this picture? The Mind 

Who we are as physical living beings in no way stand as something ‘alien’ to this physical existence as the Earth – the animal kingdom, the plants, the environment, everything functions as a whole and one single organism. Then, who is the real Problem here? The mind, the who we have become as this machine that thinks reality only to scheme one’s own survival and personal benefit, because WE programmed ourselves to only create a world system that could Only benefit ‘some’ in our reality. Now, that is seriously messed up to say the least, who are the real schizophrenic instead? Who are the real killers that are willing to maim any life left in this world in the name of a ‘thriving society’ that can look like the most outrageous façade you’ll ever see – but it’s just that, a facade, a sugar coating enamored view of reality behind which we all hide the Reality of who and what we have become as The Secret Mind

 

Once we pass through the initial disconcertion of realizing how EVIL we have become in fact to the extent of not being able to trust your apparent ‘Loved ones,’ we can start then realizing that there is a Seriously Important Task that each one of us must Take Self Responsibility for, and that’s not something ‘out of our hands’ to do, it is taking responsibility for our own minds, realizing that we all have to ensure that we STOP and Self-Forgive any single inch of hatred and Love toward another being – You might say: wait a minute, you say ‘Self Forgive every point of Loving another as well, but that’s not bad!’ yet, understanding how the existence of Hatred actually stems from Love must have left this point quite clear to you how any positive or negative input upon something or someone, will eventually go to its opposite as an experience that we then act upon, blinded by our own backchat and internal conversations that we are seldom aware of.

 

This is then to put all ‘Love and Light’ as any positive thinking ‘on the table’ from the perspective of realizing how we are all responsible for whatever we see as ‘BAD’ and ‘Negative’ in our society, it is Our Mirror and we have been denying this for far too long now. The thoughts that a serial killer or a bad tempered ex boyfriend that gets to stab her girlfriend are in no way different to Any other thought we may have in our heads.

 

Thus, it is definitely a bucket of cold water to realize that that which we always wanted to ‘ostracize’ in our society to not have to SEE what we had become, is in fact ourselves.

 

We’ll continue with the process of realizing the correction is not ‘out there’ in some bloody policy awaiting to be approved by the government to ‘Stop the madness!’ It is here within and as ourselves that the correction potentially exists: we just have to live it.

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Day 32: A Dead Honest Confessional

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of absolute abdication to a mind that is constantly seeking to win, to have more, to be entertained, to be praised, to get any energy kick out of a sip of a drink, out of food that keeps me alive, seeking for the next greatest thrill and mind obsession that will give a ‘meaning to my life,’ without realizing that it is in such constantly ‘chasing after chasing’ that I have been sickening myself with consuming everything that I could in the name of a piece of heaven, something that could tell me ‘who am I’ and in that, losing my entire beingness that has always had to stand and bear the weight of my own thoughts that would always create a ‘state of mind’ that I confused and adopted as ‘who I am,’ without ever pondering if ‘who I am’ is actually supposed to be and exist in such constant anxiety to live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the ‘who I am’ as thoughts of self deprecation, placing myself in uncomfortable positions throughout my life in exchange of a bit of a acceptance and what I deemed was ‘love,’ and in that, compromising the entirety of my expression to being just one thing: a person in a relationship that is equal to the non-spoken and non-established rules of a relationship that could only lead to a ship wreck wherein the reality and consideration of who I really am was nowhere to be found, as I completely became possessed by a relationship entity that could only thrive the more I forgot about myself as an individual, and for that,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide memories within my own mind as rusty backchat that I had not been willing to ventilate through Self Forgiveness out of being ashamed and remorseful toward what I have accepted and allowed to exist in my world, which I realize is the least thing I can do when no one else will do this for me: I am the one that is able to grant myself Self-Forgiveness to learn from the mistakes of the past and ensure that any pattern of self-abuse is stopped here, breath by breath as an accumulation of who I am as life, as the assertiveness of what I am willing to live and recreate myself as, which cannot be knowledge-based, but an actual doing and living within the consideration that I am able to grant myself a new page to write my life, wherein this time I stop seeking only my personal glory, but commit myself to become part of the solutions required/ necessary in this world to be able to Live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my body as a way to only satisfy my mind’s desires, without ever considering what is it that I was putting the entirety of my cells when following my desires and obsessions in the mind, which I now know I was absolutely consuming and misusing because of thinking that ‘my body is here to serve me,’ which wasn’t ME speaking, but my mind as the surrogate for life that I accepted and allowed myself to become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think that I had control over my body, without even seeing/ realizing that I am not even aware of all the processes that go inside me, I was not aware of what happens during sex in fact as an actual reality-check that could lead me to see what is it that I was actually doing to myself – and in that, become simply a robot in auto-pilot, believing that: because everyone else is dong it – why can’t I? And so, using society as a point of reference to do and become that which I thought was ‘acceptable’ and ‘okay’ because: everyone else does it as well.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I would experience myself, and in that never realizing that I created and stirred my own shit in a glass of water and only now realizing that I had not been self honest when reviewing relationships in the past, because I was still holding a grudge against ‘them,’ which would keep me in a safe spot of being a victim, without realizing that the moment that I victimize myself, I abdicate the entire responsibility of who I am because I am making the statement: I am not here as myself, I am inferior to whomever ‘did this to me,’ which is actually of great dishonesty because it always takes ‘two to tango.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually abuse myself and others by using ‘them’ as a crutch to my self-victimization within relationships, without realizing that I actually was aware of it all – all the time – and still, remained in such relationships and subservient positions of which I here take full self responsibility, because it all happened inside my own head, it was never even spoken and directly communicated, which is how relationships are simply prone to fall, as I missed out a key point within any relationship: establishing comfortable, open, direct and vulnerable communication in order to make sure we are equally agreeing on every decision and every move we take as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my body as a holder of my own personal paranoia wherein I thought that ‘the song was always about me,’ which means being always constantly thinking that ‘everything is about me’ and expecting at all times ‘all eyes on me,’ which means that I lived as an eternal magnet seeking to attract any form of attention that I could in order to validate my existence from fellow mind consciousness systems, without ever pondering about the actual physicality of my body that gives sustenance and actual substance to my thoughts, my experience and my actions derived from only following thoughts in my head – within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never even ponder for a moment to ask my physical body how it felt about everything that I was placing myself to live as, wherein energy as emotions would consume me, and I could physically experience that and never questioned it, it would only come up as a fleeting lint on top of my head ‘what is it that I’m experiencing that is crawling all over my body?’  but would immediately shove-it-away because of giving some knowledge and information in the form of a belief to it, wherein I could just continue focusing on ‘fueling the emotion,’ because at least, it made me ‘feel something’ which I had equated to living.

 

I forgive myself that I never even allowed myself to ponder asking my body about ‘how it feels to be me,’ as I always assessed such ‘feeling,’ according to thoughts, ideas of self, emotions, feelings and any other experience that would only take place on my head – never really considering my cells, every single breath that is unconditionally keeping me alive – I took all of it for granted, for what? To give continuation of a lifetimes of inner conflict, constant desires to win, to consume, to have it all, to be on top, to recognized, to be accepted by anything and everyone outside of myself while holding a belief that: I was doing just fine, I’m just like everyone else = these experiences must be normal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to consider ‘normal’ as in equating life to a series of conflict that lead you from positive to negative, and never questioning really how is it that we actually fuel and create such experiences by ourselves, as I was still delegating my responsibility over my creation to a ‘god’ and ‘preprogramming’ and ‘who I am as my genes,’ which is in all ways still me, yet in my mind it is seen as a ‘better thing to do’ to always seek out culprits to keep the ‘white image/ self-immaculate image’ wherein I can remain a victim and play amnesia about my creation, which is exactly what we have done and abdicated ourselves to be and become, coming to this Earth life after life without being able to remember – yet being fully aware of what we were doing, which was enticed by the entire desire to be eternal, to get to heaven, to be ‘more’ than what we are as an actual physical body which cannot certainly exist as any of such ‘past lives,’ as all that Is real is here, as the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to agree to become an energy-sucking machine that is only programmed to consume itself in a proportional rate as to how I participate in my mind, wherein ‘who I am’ is reduced to a set of self-created and self-programmed emotions and feelings that I deem are ‘life, ‘ and within this never being aware of the extent of abuse and misuse of physical matter that I consume and that I abused to nurture my own separation, becoming the very acceptance of self-abuse as ‘who I am,’ without ever questioning it because we always accepted it as ‘human nature,’ which is the greatest excuse we have used to see the desire for power, vengeance, war, control, money, greed, survivalism, competition, emotions, feelings, pursuit of happiness as an ‘inherent human desire,’ without actually willing to see, realize and understand the actual core and starting point of all such actions which indicate an evil human nature whose consequences can be seen far and wide within this reality, wherein we’ve sold life in the name of money.

 

I forgive myself that I never questioned others’ lives and how their state of poverty, famine, abuse, starvation, was even ‘accepted as part of society’ and not stopping for a moment to ponder: who I am within this picture, within this bipolar world  that is simply accepting multi-millionaires to exist along in the same Earth where millions could be fed with one man’s ‘wealth’? How am I allowing a system that is neglecting the basic living support and services to people that are Clearly and Undeniably asking for them, but not getting them because ‘they don’t have money.’ It is truly unacceptable to dare to even utter the word ‘love’ in this existence without having a look at the actual atrocities that are committed in the name of money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make it okay’ to have any activity to be used in means of getting money, which only reflects the outflow of an actual prostitution of life wherein we have never dared to stop for a moment and ask a very simple question: ‘What am I doing to myself? Do I even recognize who I am as this character? Is this all there is? – And not just litter it out as some type of conspiracy-theory type of thinking, but as an actual consideration of life, of what we are doing to ourselves and the consequences that we have manifested for ourselves here, which we now have to take full Self-Responsibility for with no middle-grounds and no middle measures, as we cannot deny what we have done onto ourselves and the Earth, because it is in front of our eyes everywhere.

 

Do I like what I see? No – and this is the reason why I stand up for Life, because I see what I have done, I realize what I have accepted as normal, and how I lived out a life of physical abuse just as every single other human being, wherein the definition of physical abuse must not only exist as someone doing something ‘onto you,’ but each one of us depleting the very life essence that we are existing as, unconditionally and that is now nowhere to be found Here, because we’ve only depleted and transformed ourselves into Energy – not Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever yearn for ‘better times’ wherein I allowed my days to simply go by without me doing a single thing to stand up and take the directive principle of my life, because I was old that I could ‘not change the world,’ and in that did not consider that I could begin with myself – yet the inertia experienced within a comfortable yet self-limiting position was more ‘powerful’ than any self-will to move and change winds into another direction, because of fearing eventually losing myself within – not getting my ultimate desire and simply dying and ending up high and dry in the attempt.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry with the past as a burden on my back, as all the memories that remind me ‘who I was’ as a self-centered yet pretended selfless being that sought experiences to carry around like souvenirs. I realize that I’ve kept my own collection of memories as the pillars to my very own cage and self-created limitation. I realize that I am able to give me back to myself everything that I have separated myself from in those memories in every moment that I learn how to Forgive Myself.

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to claim to be sure of ‘who I am’ without even having the least/ remote idea of what I actually am, what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and how I have actually abused myself in such continual desire to ‘be something/ someone’ that could have a label that indicates ‘I am a part of this reality.’

 

 

I commit myself to become the point that stops living as a self-programmed system that is only seeking for personal glory at all times, and how this has been our own demise that is now taking us to the current state that we’re in, where life is being sucked dry from all in the name of our personal gain and ‘glory,’ which can only exist as an equally self-created mind delusion that must stop.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is that we have founded a ‘human civilization’ upon abuse, that our progress can only exist if someone is left deliberately marginalized and waiting for death to come as ‘who I am and have become’ as a human being has shown no regard for fellow living beings, wherein it is ludicrous to ever claim that: ‘we are in control,’ because we’re not, we are not even aware of how every single breath power the entirety of our body = we cannot possibly claim we know better.

 

I commit myself to expose the realm of knowledge and information for the uselessness that it represents as an actual misuse of life in the name of personal glory, wherein ‘who I am’/ who we are as humanity is praised and pondered upon a pedestal that has always been created at the expense of other life forms that we have absolutely disregarded and neglected as being one and equal as ourselves.

 

I commit myself to share and explain how the more we keep each other separated from our own body, and how the more we keep fueling our bubble-lifestyle wherein we only care about ourselves, we are in fact ensuring the depletion of all life here, while many starve to death because who we have become in our minds, has neglected ‘them’ as being ourselves as well, an equal part of what is here that we have decidedly ignored to only satisfy our ‘dreams,’ which can never be actually fulfilling, as it was all just ‘a dream’= a mind created illusion.

I commit myself to support myself to continue forgiving myself for the plethora of self-delusions that I gave head to and that I abused myself with in the name of an experience, an idea of life, instead of actually becoming the life that is here as myself as the bones, tissue and flesh that I nurture with the Earth’s resources every single day and that I had abused in the name of self-interest.

 

I commit myself to support others to see this for themselves, as I realize that we are going nowhere unless ALL is equally aware of this process of self-support and the importance of walking it as a life-commitment, as this is a once in an existential lifetime opportunity to birth ourselves as life, by our very own breathing accumulation here, moment by moment, breath by breath. until all the parts of separation that I have created are brought back to ‘justice’ as the just-is, as the life substance that has always just existed/ been here, unconditionally and that we have separated ourselves from through a single belief, clogging it with meanings and words and colors as relationships of energy that must be stopped by each one of us.

 

The confession of having lived a lifetime of self-abuse is a written process that is taking place all over the world – it is not negativity, it is what being Self-Honest implies, it is being Dead-Honest about the reality that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.

 

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