627. Self-Devaluation and The Body

 

When reading the words ‘self-devaluation’ I interpreted it only as having the usually termed ‘low self-esteem’ instead of realizing that there is an expanded meaning to it which appears in various ways in which we might exist in guilt, shame, regret, a belief of having failed in something, losing something or someone and essentially anything that makes us feel ‘less than’ ourselves, no matter how subtle it may be.

To me it is revealing because I had created this idea that I don’t have self-esteem issues, nor self-acceptance issues, because I have mostly seen these as superficial aspects like embracing your looks or the amount of judgments you have on yourself about your body or certain personality characteristics. However upon relating it to a certain diagnose in relation to my body and reading more about it, I realize that I have been having self-devaluation issues that I didn’t deal with properly, I swept them aside causing a series of physical conditions that I am currently facing and assisting myself and my body to get to a point of stability and heal, which I realize it won’t also be an ‘instant process’ but realizing: whatever it takes.

Part of my focus point this year is healing and the words that emerge in me are ‘to let go’ of the patterns of self-depreciation that I have been harboring. These have to do with a sense of shame, guilt, culpability and failure for the most part. They all relate to what I have in a way also defined as my ‘Achilles heel’ so to speak, that part where I’ve found the most points to learn and face and expand on, but also some of my greatest woes, falls and source of guilt and shame.  

As I wrote and faced the points that I wrote about in my past two blogs, I realized that I was in fact going through a rather stressful situation that detonated more symptoms in my body that I then rushed to deal with. Over a few visits to different doctors and alternative means of healing and therapies, I have been realizing how I have created this to myself and my body and what aspects led me to experience what I am going through. There was a fear of it being something that I couldn’t overcome or would have to go through painful processes to deal with, and that then detonated more fear that made the inner conflict aggravate and so stressing my body more. In essence, it hasn’t been an easy time for me for various reasons, but I realize that I am the only one that can sort it out since I created the relationship to the ‘stressors’ so to speak.

What I saw is that this has been ‘in the making’ for many years, even if I can usually tell the story and relate it back to the last three or four years in my life; it has in fact been something that I have been ‘hanging’ around within me since I can remember and yes, it has to do with relationships, the perceived failures and mistakes in them, the failed commitments or faults committed in relationships and even the yearnings or infatuations of the past around them. I’ve turned these into a series of regrets that I’ve held onto as a second layer definition of ‘who I am,’ which I’m sure are causing me to create other projected conflicts where there are none, such as for example experiencing jealousy in my relationship when there is nothing to actually worry or be jealous about. It all has to do with my own relationship to my worth as a person in relationships and as such, the way that I’ve ‘held’ the people that once were in my life within me.

By saying that, I can see shame, guilt and a general feeling of having failed. Even if currently I am in a supportive relationship, I consider that if I don’t deal with these aspects, it can eventually ‘spill out’ onto it because I am the one that has held on to these self-definitions of ‘who I am’ in relation to my past and relationships, which essentially means that I haven’t yet self-forgiven me, I haven’t genuinely let go of the old in order for me to genuinely be here and empty to grow and expand on who I am as a person and yes in a relationship as well.

Upon the discussions I have had with the various people that have assisted me with this point, the common advice is to let go, to throw the garbage out instead of holding it in. The point is that I’ve been aware of this at a knowledge level but, I haven’t actually let go of it, because its existence in me was justified in a very twisted way.

In a way, I perceived that I had to suffer or avenge for all the ‘wrongdoings’ in my relationships, that I had to take on others’ possible pain or suffering I could have caused upon my own body, to essentially be ‘unwell’ even if in reality I certainly have a supportive and generally stable life in order to be ‘on par’ with what I believe others have to go through due to my actions. It is auto aggression as one of them told me, it is self-inflicted and I called it self-flagellation as well, because in my mind there is a perceived notion of justice or ‘making up for’ the perceived pain I believe I caused on others. This means I kept myself pointing my finger at myself and that caused a lot of subtle yet continuous stress and guilt, shame that eventually blow up to become something bigger to deal with.

This pattern right here is just a part of myself that was masked as something ‘benign’ in a twisted manner within me. Perhaps some people might relate to it, and I’ve played this out in my life before in various ways where I believed I had to suffer, like a martyr of sorts to ‘wash the sins away’ so to speak. That’s the kind of pattern that I am dealing with and this wasn’t existing in a conscious manner within me, but at a deeper level that I became aware of through talking and discussing about this with various healing assistants, which were both regular medicine and alternative means like body alignment, homeopathy, acupuncture and doing some further research online in the German New Medicine documents which I’ve found through a fellow Destonian sharing about her process with certain diagnose in relation to her health.

What emerged in me recently is a deep sense of sadness and regret for not having listened to my body before. I felt the symptoms all the way but still, associated it in a lazy manner to all sorts of other things and not really investigating further. I would go to get the medicines to just stop the pains and symptoms, but would not investigate further. It essentially had to get to a more latent point where I got fed up of having to be constantly worrying about it – yet not doing something practically supportive for my body – and reaching a low point this past month in order to then decide that it was time to genuinely reach out for help and ‘sort it out’.

This is a pattern of negligence towards myself, my life and my body. I can also see how in my mind I worried more about everything and everyone else instead of looking at what I was in fact causing to my own body. This is the most painful part of it and it still makes me sad, to see to what extent I placed attention on all sorts of ideas, perceptions, fears, beliefs, projections and imaginations about ‘all that I did’ or ‘didn’t do’ in the past, and not realizing how drop by drop I created this whole conflict until it got to a more evident point for me to finally realize: ok this is not about ‘sorting the physical symptoms out’ only, but about Understanding how I created it in my body, what it is associated with and how I can now work with those aspects at an internal/mind level as I go through the various therapies and support that I am now taking in for my body. Being sad or emotional about it is not the way, I understand that, but I have also embraced the momentary crying that this realization brings, because as with anything related to shame, guilt, etc. We can use these emotions to realize something, to deeply be ‘affected’ by it so that we can remind ourselves of how to prevent this from happening again in the future. It is part of the manifested consequences that yes, I can be grateful for because it’s showing me my creation, how else could I do this if I didn’t have a part of physical matter letting me know ‘hey you’re causing yourself harm!’ otherwise? Sure it’s not nice or pretty to face this, but at least I can have an idea of what I am dealing with to sort it out within me.

I can only forgive myself for causing such distress to my body in being negligent about what I was doing to it based on my internal conflicts and participation in thoughts that I considered were meaningless. The fact is that I justified all of it as a form of recognition of my mistakes, as if I had to constantly ‘hang it around me’ as some form of anti-triumph, a reminder of what I’ve done so that I could ‘make up for’ the perceived pain or suffering I believe I caused or that others have ‘caused on me’ in the past.

The thoughts emerged right now of: ‘But I am in this process, how the hell did I get to that point? Didn’t I know better than this?’ And this is something that some of these I’ll call them healing supporters enabled me to see, which is how hard I can be on myself and how there is this idea that I cannot fail, make mistakes or ‘be human’ in that sense, and so I have taken it to heart to realize that I have in fact made mistakes and that I can only embrace them, learn from them and let go of the ‘feeling bad’ about it. And yes a second thought comes ‘but you had heard that before! Why didn’t you act on that to change it’ – And here’s where I have to embrace the repetition of mistakes, yes I’ve done that before, yes I had heard that about me before. I can only truly learn this time around.

And the reality is that all around I’ve had the tools to support me, I’ve had the people that are there that I can reach out to, my partner that knows the whole story and constantly reminds me of shared responsibility as well in all that I created and faced and that I have the means to support myself physically as well, but I ignored it to the level where I could not ignore it anymore, and it’s also for the best and I’m learning to not react upon getting to know what is wrong currently in my body, but to understand as a symptom that can be sorted through as well both internally and externally.

I’m learning that diseases, illness or any physical problem are there to be a wakeup call to realize: hey I am going through this process of distress or alteration here, you have to become aware of it and do something about it.

My commitment to do something about it is to continue working on my own patterns of ‘self-deprecation’ that are related to the points I associated above, but even more so if I believed I had written them out before, it’s about me working now on living words that can assist me to genuinely let go, which are related to understanding, embracing mistakes, realizing the shared responsibility in them all, to remind myself of the fact that I have in fact grown from those perceived ‘mistakes’ and have enabled me to be who I am and where I am at the moment, that they don’t have to define me and my current reality, even if I am facing some of the consequences.

One of the points I am starting to implement is to smile, physically smile whenever the same thoughts, projections or remembrances come to me and to now see what I’ve gone through so that I could be where I am today, to see what I have learned within me and how it gives me an opportunity to face aspects of me that yes, I might not be proud of, but also to learn to see aspects I had yet to face and change, to become aware of and develop.

I’ve also judged myself for having ‘repeated’ mistakes as I see them, but I will also take one perspective that one of the healing supporters told me which is to even consider that there are no mistakes as such, because of how mistakes have become such a bag of emotions and instead, I can simply see them as paths that weren’t leading me to where I had to be and that’s it.  – Sometimes we come to face and confront things that exist within ourselves in ways that may not be the ‘smoothest’ of ways, but those rough paths are also part of what we need to face to strengthen ourselves, to kind of finally expose our ‘Achilles’ Heel’ (lol I keep writing Achilles’ heal) or the part that wasn’t yet strengthened through exposure to the ‘problems’ to then be exposed and work with the resolution of it in a way that is more related to Understanding how I created the problem or conflict and in doing so, get to identify the patterns, the words, the emotions that I lived and how it ended up causing the problems that unfortunately, the body takes the brunt of.

In any case, because what I am facing generally relates to the sense of having done something bad, wrong, failed in the realm of relationships in the past, I can only say that if there are judgments, a sense of culpability, a sense of failure or loss within past relationships or  in relation to something or someone in one’s life that one feels made one to be at a ‘loss’ point, it is then to investigate where and how we have defined ourselves in relation to those situations, events or people in our life. And to be able to forgive ourselves for it, to release, to let go and sometimes to take the best of them to integrate it in our lives as part of who we are and what we learned from them, because I’ve ultimately realized it’s not about the people I have been worrying about in reality, it’s about me and the relationship I created, the words I lived in such situations that caused a sense of wrongdoing, of sadness and of general failure even if I didn’t name it as such before. The experience and what it caused in me indicate such perception of being ‘at a loss’ in one way or another – and that simply has to go because it is not even part of my current physical reality. It only remains as part of ‘who I am’ in my mind, in my thoughts, in my memories and how I relate to them.

So, I’ll continue writing on my side the details of this which are quite personal and as such I won’t publish, because I realize that my sharing here is not about exposing myself to others, but about being able to share what I’ve realized such as seeing what I’ve caused to my own body due to ignoring physical and mental symptoms of aspects that I had to sort out, yet I justified them in all kinds of twisted ways which got me to brush them aside and only ‘cope’ with them but not truly facing them and ‘taking them on’ as in investigating them, going deeper into them until my body showed me: there is something you truly need to sort out here.

Needless to say, it’s been a rough time for various reasons, but I know many others that are having it as well and at a world level it seems we all are in for a rough ride in various aspects, so I can only say: let’s brace ourselves for it and live these points the best that we can. For me my health is a priority right now because I cannot be ‘best for anything’ if I am not the best for myself first. It is sad that I have to come to this conclusion through consequence, but I also need to stop judging myself for it, because I am still here and my body is here with me assisting me to heal as well and me assisting it to heal.

As one of the healing supporters told me, at times we have to be a bit ‘selfish’ not in the egotistical way, but genuinely in looking after ourselves, even more so when having imposed on me this idea that I have to be the one that is always there for others. I also realize that I am the only one that can make any of these tools and means of support effective by having the courage to confront these points in my life, in my memories and go dealing with them as they emerge through my writing and taking on the physical support required for it as well.

This is where writing, listening to self-support on Eqafe.com becomes a way of assisting me to remind myself of things that I may have ignored for some time, that I have ‘known’ at a knowledge level or as things swirling around in my mind, and that I then can listen back and take it into consideration for the points I’m facing.

Best is to stop being hard on myself, because I truly made of something a lot bigger than what it is in the sense of the extent of inner conflict I’ve allowed myself to live with because of it. Though, as it is also explained in some recordings, getting to see deeper aspects comes up at some point in our lives and process which indicate moments where we can then take the points on, work with them. So in that sense, I can trust myself that this is here for me to face it because I can at this point do so.

Without having intent to sound too afflicted based on what I share here, I genuinely want to heal myself from this and that comes through understanding, self forgiving and letting go. I keep having dreams where I am holding on to something while traveling and this something that I keep holding on to creates a form of worry and concern and going out of ‘the way’ to go back to fetch it apparently. I believe this thing I am ‘wanting to go back to fetch’ are all of these past experiences as memories that I believe I still ‘need’ to take with me, like holding on to these definitions, when in fact to me traveling means a moving on, I have to move on and let go of whatever I believe I need to hold on to. A genuine release is needed, so that’s what I’ll be working on and in general taking it easier on myself and my body.

I share this as a cautionary tale, but I also need to let go of wanting to prevent others from going through similar stuff. I now embrace whatever each one has to face and realize that I can only be responsible for me and focus on myself, while sharing and assisting then becomes an outflow of that self-care and self-processing.

Thanks for reading.

 

Suggested Eqafe.com recordings:

Nurturing the Growth of Change – Life Review

Fear, Falling & Failure – Life Review

The Beginning Equals the End – Life Review

 

 

 

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186.Physical Pains: I Did it to Myself

Physical Dimension – Procrastination Character – Pains and discomfort at a physical level – Part 1

 

I am about to open up my document and suddenly my eyes begin feeling a tad heavy, like I suddenly want to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my eyes going heavy and suddenly feeling overall sleepy and wanting to go to bed/ rest the moment that I am opening my folder with the written document that I have to work with – wherein I have become possessed by the belief of me being ‘tired’ to do this, wanting to ‘rest for a while’ to continue, without realizing that there is no possible way to be tired as it is only the middle of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of me wanting to sleep/ being tired from last night as an excuse to not get into the writing due to my eyes feeling sore, without realizing that this is part of the physical possession that I have created along with the backchat and resistances to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must close my eyes for a moment before getting to the writing because I am apparently ‘tired’ which is not really so, it is physical consequence of me having participated extensively in procrastinating whenever I would get myself to the point of ‘going to write the document’ and simply ending up not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my eyes cannot be open one more second and believe that I cannot possibly continue, without realizing that my eyes are perfectly ‘okay’ no matter how long I stare at a screen, thus the discomfort is part of the self-created burden/ tiredness and pain and discomfort in order to not direct myself to do what I have to do, which is the physical point of transcending the energetic experience at a physical level as a physical consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in within procrastination.

When and as I see myself having my eyes going heavy and dry and suddenly wanting to close my eyes and doze off for a moment – I stop, I take deep breath and I realize that I cannot possibly be tired and that this is only an excuse that I have created at a physical level in order to not get to this point of writing the document, which is how I see that the friction and conflict and background ‘worry’ that I have created as procrastination, generates or I generate within me a desire to simply ‘sleep it off’ to then forget about me directing this point in the moment, as I see and realize that it is in the best interest of the mind as myself to continue existing within this procrastination character to in fact always remain bound to this One Point that I have to do, which is what has been preventing me from being absolutely here in every moment of breath as a self directive being.

I realize that the desire to sleep has become a way for me to escape responsibilities wherein I trick myself within the belief that ‘I am too tired for this’ and that I cannot possibly continue, wherein I have actually tested out last night how it is a matter of breathing through the experience, even going out to take some fresh oxygen/ air and then continue working on whatever task I am focusing on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the upper side of my back going heavy and my head becoming ‘cloudy’ the moment that I am sifting through the documents to open the latest version of the writing and going into a slight experience of anxiety because of realizing that I have to go through it all over again and read and write and correct it.

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the rush to open up the document within the starting point of wanting to ‘get over with it’ for once and for all, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to breathe here in every moment through and while things are being done/ moved and in this case me going through the documents in order to open up the writing document, and also within this, realize that the overwhelming experience of it being ‘too much to go through’ at once creates the anxiety due to ‘not having enough time’ which is only a self-imposed limitation to not work on it in the moment.

When and as I see myself becoming impatient while going through the documents to open it up and wanting to skip-read throughout it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that being here as the physical requires no rushing as there is no deadline to ‘match’ but it is only my self-imposed rush as the result of having procrastinated the point for far too long wherein I am attempting to ‘make up for it’ in one go, which is not impossible – yet not preferred as I realize that I would be dishonest to myself if I just complete this task to ‘get it done’ instead of assisting and supporting me to be here in and as everything that I participate in.

I commit myself to realize that the rush experienced even at the moment of beginning to work with the document is only the accumulated anxiety that I created as a suppression when procrastinating this task throughout time, thus I take responsibility for not continuing supporting the energetic experience at a physical level, I instead breathe through it until I am here again in stability to then continue working with the actual writing and reading, ensuring that I am not wanting to ‘skip through it’ in order to go faster/ get it done sooner as that would simply be once again going into the rush of the mind to ‘get it done.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start thinking about just going and listening to this one song and then I continue, which is a seemingly ‘innocent’ way of creating a diversion point, without realizing how it is in the moment when the thought comes up to ‘go and listen to this song/ watch this video’ that I have to stand absolutely clear here, take a deep breath and continue seeking the document/ opening it up/ reading through it no matter how ‘long’ it takes to do so. Within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own entertainment and diversion tactics as mind control in order to get distracted from doing this particular task, wherein I realize that the moment that I even allow myself to ponder whether doing it or not is already not being absolutely here as the physical, breathing and directing myself to do what I know must be done. I realize that this is the same as giving up any craving that I would experience with other things in my reality as an addiction, due to the fact that I have become so used to giving myself these ‘experience treats’ that are not good or bad per se, such as listening to music – however it is the relationship that I have formed toward that as a way to distract myself from getting to my writing what is the point to self forgive and correct, as I see and realize that there have been many, many times wherein I can simply drone out into the ‘zone’ of just watching this concert, video, interview or any music that I am entertained with in order to then make the point as a ‘waste of time,’ go into regret and then move onto doing something else that is required to be done, BUT not this particular specific task that I was aiming at from the very beginning.

When and as I see myself wanting to divert my attention to watch a music video, listen to a song, go through this website to see what’s new as entertainment while having made the decision to work on my document – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a point of diversion that I must deliberately stop and continue directing myself to continue and work with the task itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link this particular task which is writing to a sensation of discomfort on my chest which is actually a fear as the accumulated experience of having procrastinated it for ‘far too long’ and within this, being experiencing the result of my own consequence which was absolutely unnecessary if I had just directed myself appropriately – however there are no ‘ifs’ and ‘If I had just…’ as this is only a point to recognize that I can only give myself direction from this moment on and sure that I do not actually make the same mistake again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin complaining in my mind about the pains and physical discomfort I experience when beginning to read, wherein I believe that ‘I must take a rest because I’m not feeling well,’ without realizing that the physical pains and discomfort has been created by me due to having given all my attention to always end up procrastinating the writing, instead of actually breathing and simply doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause pain in the pit of my stomach, arms, upper back mostly in relation to me walking through the procrastination of writing this document wherein I believe that the ‘heaviness’ and ‘pain’ is just ‘too much to bear,’ without considering and realizing that this is my own process of actually facing the consequences of what I have done and created to myself as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always give into the heaviness experience and seemingly tiredness believing that it is ‘real’ without realizing that it is real as a consequence of what I have created and propitiated myself –

When and as I see myself diverting my attention toward the physical pains and discomfort as an obstacle for me to stop and not continue with writing the document, I stop and I breathe. I take responsibility for my own physical discomfort that has been created as a result of the accumulated experience of suppressing the task while using energy to ‘tamper’ it and evolving my stance as the mind in order to make it ‘all fine’ while neglecting the consequences that my physical body is actually experiencing as a result of me keeping this relationship toward this one point as an accumulated experience of procrastination.

I commit myself to start considering every moment that I participate in the mind as this single act of thinking creating and manifesting a physical consequence due to my ignorant participation in the mind and procrastination as an energetic experience that I tried and suppress, instead of actually standing up and taking responsibility and within this, stopping the reactions and further consequences experience at a physical level from this.

this will continue

 

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Blogs:

• Day 186: After Death Communications – Part 35

• Character Dimensions – REDEFINITION Dimension: DAY 186

Interviews:

• Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 20

• Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 21

74. “You’ll need to Suffer to make any Real Art”

 

When I was a young around 7/ 8 years old, my sister was in her nationalist era and she had several poster-paintings by Frida Kahlo in her room. Whenever I would go in there I would remain in awe looking at those images due to the content/ expression they represented as a lot of suffering – Frida crying, blood, self portrayals of her physical discomfort and all of these surreal passages that got stuck within my mind. I was actually quite ‘sad’ when she took them down because my mother thought it was ‘too depressive’ to have those paintings in her room, ‘too gory’ and ‘too much of a negative energy’ for the room.

I had not realized how these paintings became a platform to ‘build my expression’ due to the extent that they ‘awakened’ my emotional patterns, the desire to experience the same she was portraying in her paintings, it made me ‘feel alive’ which is how I began to identify that desire to ‘suffer’ and ‘feel pain’ in order to ‘create great art’ like that, and be able to ‘express’ something as meaningful as she did. Of course I got to know her story of actual physical discomfort due to her accident, which I simply used then as a way to think that I had to suffer, create some turmoil in my life to be able to depict it through paintings and get to be ‘as good as she was’ at it.

I began creating these ideas and relationships in my head that I could use to Create what I deemed were ‘similar experiences’ of pain and suffering – this was back in 2003 as I described in my previous post – just so that I could paint something like her paintings. Couple of years later I read in a book a quote that really got stuck in my head ‘True art comes from suffering’ – or something along the lines, and that confirmed my idea that ‘I wanted to be an artist because I could ‘feel’ such torture in my being,’ lol – which was actually built and self-created from a much earlier stage in my life – 7/8 years old – and only confirming that or believing that I had in fact ‘found my place in Art’ when reading such quote 10 years after the initial ‘imprint’ of this desire to create in an emotional state.

And so, the specialness aura goes for debunking through Self Forgiveness.

Pattern: Believing that great art is only existent if it evokes an emotion within me and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that art could only be ‘great art’ if it evoked an emotional experience within me and others

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be haunted by the Frida Kahlo paintings in my sister’s room specifically because of the suffering, sadness and pain they portrayed, which caught my attention to the emotional depiction of sorrow, pain, suffering as something that I could experience while looking at them and within this, feeling ‘alive’ when looking at paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop an attraction to this particular depiction of human emotions through images depicting blood, pain, tears, the human physical body in pain and through that, creating the foundation of an emotional state that I would allow myself to to experience whenever I would go into my sister’s room to look at the paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being attracted to the depiction of pain and sorrow in paintings, wherein I started valuing images depicting such emotional states as ‘great art’ and within that, me wanting and desiring to be able to paint similar topics to evoke the same emotions in others, the same way Frida’s paintings were evoking within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this fascination/ attraction for the paintings and the experience that I was obtaining from looking at them, start thinking that ‘someday I want to be a painter just like her’ – wherein this single thought became a desire later on as the years went by, which I eventually consummated when opting to finally study arts.

 

I realize that I made that decision from the Experience that I got which was linked to fascination, mystery and a vicarious enjoyment of staring at a painting that depicted suffering/ pain/ dismal view upon the world which I recognized as ‘my view of the world,’ yet it was simply the energetic experience that I was truly drawn to due to and because of the emotional body ‘awakening’ to these paintings and beginning the identification of myself as such emotions, as an experience that I defined as ‘preference’ and ‘kinship’ to the painter, without realizing it was just the mind finding its ‘source’ to generate emotions from a visual interaction with paintings depicting such emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this acceptance of myself as emotions, start thinking and believing that ‘I have to be an artist’ because of thinking that ‘not everyone would get the same experiences I did’ when looking at art, which was only due to and based to the accumulation of self-talk throughout the years to ‘find a taste’ on art because of the associations I started giving to Art as a ‘superior human activity’ in my mind – hence using it as a way to value ‘art’ more than any other human activity, to justify my eventual decision to ‘be an artist’ simply because of the curiosity around creation and the Experience that I would get from looking at art, images, video, etc.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be a painter just to be as ‘famous’ and ‘well-known’ as Frida, because she got to be a world-wide known persona and that’s what attracted me the most in terms of being a famous person.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire creating images that could instigate the same emotional side that I got from looking at Frida’s paintings to other people, so that I could ensure that I could ‘touch’ people through paintings/ images, within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated by someone that was so ‘filled with emotions’ and being apparently ‘mysterious’ as she was, due to her tormented life which became a trigger point for her creations.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feed my mind with thoughts of ‘fascination’ whenever I would be in my sister’s room and stare at the images for quite some time, trying to almost ‘suck’ the essence out of the pain and sorrow they represented and use it as a way to ‘make my own art’ which eventually influenced what I did without me wanting to openly admit it, because ‘hey, I have to be special!’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny admitting or fear admitting that Frida Kahlo was one of my influences because of how ‘popular’ she is in Mexico and me wanting to be ‘unique’ and ‘special’ as ‘an artist,’ which I thought that when naming Frida as an influence, I would be tagged as cheesy or predictable – hence I kept it ‘hidden’ and always naming any other artist as ‘influence’ just so that I could remain in an apparent ‘safe zone’ of influences and not going for what seemed ‘obvious’ only in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Frida’s paintings were a ‘great influence for me,’ wherein the idea of ‘influence’ is still used as a way to not directly accept that I in fact just wanted to be like her and experience myself the same way she did as ‘that made her create great art!’ without ever really measuring what it would be like to be living in constant depression, sorrow and pain as the emotions that I would get and imagine her experiencing when looking at her paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from the moment of being in my sister’s room, looking at Frida’s paintings, create this ‘special moment’ of me staring at a work of art with a predisposition to ‘get something off it’ as an experience, and the more I was able to get any form of ‘empathy’ such as depression, sadness, chills or any other energetic experience, I would use as a measuring point to say that the artwork was ‘powerful’ and ‘great’ and if I didn’t get any emotion/ feeling from it: I would say the artwork is not good/ bullshit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the creation of emotions whenever I looked at art/ paintings/ music videos and any other image that I could use as a way to ‘feel alive’ through generating emotions and feelings from it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being emotional and mysterious as being a ‘superior being’ that is more ‘sensitive’ toward the world, when in fact it is no different to any other being existing as the mind, generating emotions and feelings instead of just Living here as breath – within this, I realize that I have pondered artists and creative people that are well-tormented as ‘superior’ because of how I programmed myself from that early age to associate being emotional = being alive, being more aware, being more ‘in touch with yourself,’ which is just another excuse for me to validate my career choice and entire personality as in wanting to be and become ‘an artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the judgment of my mother toward Frida’s paintings on my sister’s wall as being ‘too sad and gory’ while making a gesture of disgust as a ‘good idea’ for me to do something that would deliberately vex her, disturb her, which is linked to an entire process that I’ve realized fairly recently due to the Heaven’s Journey To Life  blog how there is this friction relationship with the mother from the time of inception – hence this event was just part of me creating a point of friction toward her, to deliberately ‘shock’ and ‘disturb’ her, as a way to get out of the ‘cookie cutter pattern’ that I thought she wanted me to remain as/ impose onto myself because of being ‘her daughter’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to like the idea of me doing something that would disturb my mother in a shocking way, as a statement of saying: I am not like my sisters, I do not have conventional preferences, I step out of the family mold – which is how through becoming the entire ‘eccentric’ role, I fed my self-belief as this art-lover more and more as that meant separating myself more and more from having to continue/ follow the steps of my sisters as what I deemed being ‘normal, ordinary, conventional’ in a derogatory/ inferior way, wherein I had placed the eccentric/ odd/ mysterious/ emotional in a superior place in my mental value scheme toward the world and people.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from the moment of seeing the shock and impact that images would create and instill in my mother to the point of her asking my sister to take them down, to then use paintings as a way for me to ‘go against her flow’ and create shocking images just for the sake of secretly vindicating my desire to vex and disturb my mother, even if I ‘hid’ most of those paintings from her, even till this day –

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the entire play-out of events from this moment on defined my desire to paint something that would be ‘eccentric’ and disturbing as a way to make my mother react or be bothered, and get a kick out of it – with no reason or purpose but that initial primordial relationship of mother/ daughter that began from the moment I was inside her womb.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted an allowed myself to choose a career just for the sake of wanting to ‘step out ‘of the mold that I believed I was being imposed with, and in that desire to ‘spite my mother’/ family structure, I opted to study something that represented ‘getting out of the family mold,’ without realizing that the only one I was fucking with was myself, as I would have to live with that decision based on all of these emotional and relationship play outs in my family that I defined myself according to.

 

I realize that the only one that is now living the consequences of such decisions based on experiences is myself, and it has nothing to do with the paintings, the painter, my mother or sisters, but only myself and my own mind as the definition of who and what I wanted to be and what I did not want to be ‘for others,’ not even for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within spiting what I perceived were imposed decisions for my life from my mother, I took the ‘opposite road’ in order to ensure that ‘I’ could decide for myself, wherein I simply took the opposite road to spite them and separate myself from them, without actually realizing that the decision I was taking was for me and my own life and that the only one that would have to live with such decisions was myself, and that I was the only one that would have to live with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in my desire to ‘spite everyone else,’ I only spitted myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to elevate art to the status of being something ‘eccentric and unique’ which fueled my desire to not be ordinary, to be ‘out of this world/ out of my family mold’ and within that, be ‘abnormal’ from the ‘normalcy’ that I had judged as pathetic and predictable, without realizing that we have all always been predictable as the mind patterns that work in mechanical ways wherein I was never really aware of me when living out those choices, but was only following a systematic pattern of creating friction and opposition in order to establish my self-righteousness over common sense in my life, to only fuel my ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin painting with the desire to be emotional to have something ‘great’ to paint, and to evoke the same experience in another when looking at it, which is what I defined as what would make a painting ‘famous’ and ‘liked’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeing emotions – in a lesser manner also feelings – as a way to make a painting ‘come alive’ wherein I started believing that the emotional way I was painting in would define a painting s either successful/ not successful based on the reactions that others would be able to obtain from them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘feel alive’ through paintings, associating this with having to be sad, dismal, depressed and angry at the world, which is how I would allow myself to reinforce emotions through words, pictures, ideas, thoughts, lyrics, books in order to gather ‘enough material to work with’ as an emotional experience that I would define as ‘feeling inspired’ to paint and portray that which I wanted to say in order to leave a ‘mark’ of my emotional state for the world – creating an entire mythology around my own paintings as something special.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that because I didn’t have much to be sad about, I had to start creating my own sad stories and beginning to yearn for love and relationships, as that was another topic that I saw could generate a similar experience of ‘hopelessness’ and ‘dullness’ that I could express through images/ pictures according to how I would go tagging my reality as sad/ dismal and portraying that as paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into depression and deliberately triggering thoughts/ using images to create these emotional experiences because I defined that I could only be alive and be ‘sensitive enough’ just like an artist/ Frida, to create any good work of art.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only create art if I had a ‘broken heart’ or a yearning for a relationship, which are the points that I fueled in order to paint.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start looking at this world as being damned and shitty, as a thought in my mind just for the sake of making of that thought a painting that could make me ‘feel’ like I as this sensitive person to what was going on in the world – hence making me special in my own eyes and wanting to be special at the eyes of others = the desire to be an eccentric unique being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeing everyone as sad and dismal and slaves, which became the actual filter with which, till this day, I have been walking in order to not constantly feed the same pattern that I created in order to fuel my ‘creative abilities’ when using emotions as a trigger point for me to paint. This implies that I began seeking for the ‘negative experiences’ as a way to make myself feel ‘better’ about myself and feel ‘good’ whenever I could create with using such ‘emotional states of being’ as a source of ‘inspiration.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe then myself to be ‘too sensitive for this world,’ wherein I simply took the idea of ‘an artist being a more sensitive being’ wherein in my mind, being an artist and being sensitive meant a more ‘evolved’ human being, a more ‘humane’ being without ever realizing what emotions were really all about until now through what we learn and educate ourselves with at Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that I had a ‘gift’ to represent emotions in a touching manner through my paintings/ images/ drawings/ pictures, which became a point that I held on as myself, as if I was special about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into desiring a relationship, instigating any form of problem and friction within myself to have something to be sad, bothered, angry about in order to paint.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in the sentence ‘True art only comes from suffering’ from Palahniuk’s books that I took on as a creed, and that I used to fuel my desire to have experiences in order to have something ‘meaningful’ to paint, which is how I would judge then what ‘good art’ and what ‘bad art’ was based on the amount of emotions and feelings I could generate/ get from looking at art, without realizing that I had programmed myself to act and believe that this was actually ‘so’ within itself which means: there was never ever something ‘special ‘and ‘unique’ about it, other than my obvious self-brain washing in a desire to be special.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within the belief that ‘I had to be inspired to create any good art’ which mean ‘I had to be experiencing an emotion – preferably – to make any good painting, and that if I was rather ‘happy’ or in a positive attitude, it would mostly not be a good work of art, but only a spoof of reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the sadder I felt, the better the painting would come out to be, wherein I would deliberately begin painting when I thought that I was sad enough, angry enough to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to continue with this pattern of believing that creation required myself to be in a particular emotional way to generate emotions within others and within that, make of ‘my work’ something ‘great’ due to and because of how I had believed that only great works of art stem from feeling sad, experiencing sorrow and depression, which became a state of being that I deliberately sought in order to ‘make great art,’ without ever realizing I was only manipulating myself in order to fit my own ideal of what ‘great art’ is supposed to be.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘great art’ is that which is able to evoke an emotional experience within me and others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I programmed myself this way from the time when I got an experience from Frida’s paintings that became the ‘blueprint’ for me to establish what is ‘great successful art’ and what is not, wherein through this value system I simply accept myself to be an emotional-robot that can only feel ‘alive’ if being ‘emotional’ in any way as a state of being.

 

When and as I see myself believing that being an artist is being a ‘special unique being’ and ‘sensitive’ toward the world, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in art the emotional and feeling bodies are used to give further meaning to just images and things in order to perpetuate the idea of the human being a sensitive creature, which is in no way what we really are as the proof of what our desire and drive for experiences is Here as the consequence of this absolute self interest wherein we can do ‘anything’ jus to ‘feel everything’ even if it means depleting the earth’s resources in the name of a feeling/ emotion, abusing ourselves, abusing life and simply perpetuating a monetary system that in no way is supporting LIFE but only the human as experiences within emotions and feelings that keep us all occupied in our minds and neglecting the reality that is crumbling down every step that we take to fulfill our ‘dreams’ instead of acting and caring to consider what is best for all instead.

 

When and as I see myself being drawn to pictures that depict sorrow, suffering, blood, tears, sadness, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I programmed myself to develop my ‘emotional side’ as the mind within looking at such images, in order to ponder emotions as ‘living’ and equating them to a ‘higher level of consciousness’ due to the belief that I held toward ‘emotions/ feelings’ being the actual ‘core’ of being a human being as in ‘being alive,’ yet absolutely neglecting the consequences that such feelings and emotions had on a physical level in every body, but only going for that rush as the actual energy that I would create whenever I could become emotional, just like a drug that I could generate through my own thoughts and my own images to reinforce such thoughts

 

When and as I see myself believing that I ‘chose my career’ based on my ‘affinity with art and life’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this was just the result of me talking to myself to become someone eccentric – as I deemed artists to be – and within that, doing everything that I could to emulate the lives of beings that were artists so that I could be ‘one of them’ by identifying myself with their emotional experience and existence, which I defined as ‘living’ and being a ‘more aware being’ which was never really so, but only a highly ingrained belief system wherein I believed that an emotional being was ‘in touch with themselves, ‘when It was only being in touch with the mind as self, but never self aware as the totality of this world – without realizing that artists, just like any other human being, are only infatuated with their own thoughts, imagination, emotions, feelings, which is no different to any other being existing in absolute self-interest and self-obsession – thus

 

When and as I see myself seeing an ‘artist’ with this aura of ‘specialness’ when compared to other ‘normal’ beings, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am perpetuating my own mindfuck toward art/ artists being ‘special’ and ‘unique beings’ which is why I sought to be ‘one of them’ when deliberately wanting to ‘identify’ myself with artists and their lives.

 

When and as I see myself looking at a work of art with the desire to get an ‘experience’ out of it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the reason why art is ‘art’ is because of reinforcing the emotions and feelings of people – instead I can direct myself to see how I can use art as an effective way to instigate the realization of us human beings being responsible for this world and this Earth as each one of us, which is a more tangible way of using images in the name of Self-Support as Life, and not as mere instigators of emotions and feelings as ‘human nature.’

 

When and as I see myself wanting to make a decision in my life based on the desire to oppose my family/ the world/ ‘normal people,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a basic mechanism that I have used throughout my life to generate conflict and separate myself from others in means of keeping me as ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is in fact just another egotistical way to ensure that ‘I’ remain special/ unique within the ‘artist role,’ instead I realize that all decisions I make must be considered within the outflows and consequences of the entirety of ‘who I am’ in that moment of decision, taking all into consideration wherein I ensure I am not opposing something/ someone, wanting to ‘avoid’ or wanting to create an experience within me as ‘living,’ – but instead direct me to consider the practical, physical and tangible steps to walk that decision that will be founded upon the consideration of what is best for all life, what is it really required to be and be done in order to establish LIFE in this world.

 

I realize that I had only sought to be and become this profession to indulge in my egotistical personality, my desire to be special and unique – instead of ever really considering what can I be and become in order to be an actual participant that takes on a position within reality to change the world that I judged for so long, and daring to first walk that process myself which is what I am now walking as my own correction to the decisions I made based on opposition, retaliation in my own mind to create a sense of superiority toward ‘the rest of the world,’ trying to ‘not be of this world’ by ‘being an artist’ and creating an aura of specialness around me.

 

When and as I see myself desiring to ‘not be like everyone else’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is the mechanism that we all accept as ‘normal’ within ourselves, but is in fact the basic platform from which inequality stems, because such statement implies: I want to be special, I want to be ‘more’ than others – hence allowing an entire system that enables such ‘specialness’ through the value given to different professions and skills that can actually be equalized for all if we stop holding anything as more or less than who we are as one and equal. Thus I see that the equalization of myself as life begins with stopping one single thought as a desire to ‘not be normal/ ordinary.’ I direct myself to stand as one and equal as the totality that we are wherein there can be no more and no less, but only self-expansion from the confinement of a mind that seeks to be ‘above others’ into the creation of a reality that I can in fact contribute to be supportive for all equally, and in that, supporting people’s expression to be artists and create themselves as the individuals that we all can be if regarding ourselves as life in Equality.

 

I realize that the reason why I considered art as some ‘unique’ and ‘special’ activity/ profession in my world, was because of the fame and aura of ‘specialness’ that artists would get, which became my actual desire to be and become an artist for such desire to be recognized and praised as some ‘great creator’ only to fuel my ego and desire for specialness, which stems from an actual inferiority and sense of ‘lacking’ such wholeness/ completion as myself as my physical being, but believing that I had to seek to be ‘more’ than myself as who and what I’ve been and am and will be until I die: my physical body here, breathing.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I can only create when I am feeling ‘emotional’ in any way – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the reason why I believe that ‘I do not want to create anything’ just because I have not been as ‘emotional’ as I used to, wherein I have stopped having this desire to ‘create’ because of the link I created between art creation and emotional experience. Thus I direct myself to create without thinking that I require to be emotional/ inspired to do so, which is then me creating as a moment of expression within myself that does not require to be backed by an experience, but can be directed as the moment in common sense = considering what’s best for all as a creation that is not fueled by emotions or feelings, but only externalizing the expression of myself in any given moment that I direct myself to do so.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get positive feedback on my creations as a way to ‘know’ that I have ‘touched’ them in any way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am trying to make of art an emotion/ feeling instigator instead of actually supporting myself and others to stop the mind and get back into the physical reality that does not require feelings or emotions to be and exist – hence I direct myself to use pictures, images, paintings in common sense to give them a new meaning based on what life is, what life can be if we all work together to actually create a world that’s best for all, wherein the only role that art can take is the creative process in itself wherein we all realize ourselves as our own creators and within that, being self responsible about such creations in order to ensure that we are in fact considering each other in every moment of creation, and stop creating as a means to elevate our egos –

 

I commit myself to stop any aura of specialness toward art, and simply accept it, see it as any other form of expression coming from a fellow human being that is valuable just for the part of this reality that it represents, without seeing it as ‘holy objects’ or ‘special objects’ in my world.

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System that will ensure that dreams of fame and fortune stop being this constant fuel for the desire to be special and unique within beings, but instead become an actual point of support to ensure that all beings can learn how to express through art if they want to do so, and have no restrictions based on time, survival or any other form of belief of what is art/ what is not art – but simply using materials to create as a way to get to know ourselves through our creations, be able to reflect about reality in a self-supportive way wherein emotions and feelings are no longer in the way but we direct the work to be an actual representation of the realization of who we are as one and equals as life.

 

 

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Must Read Blogs:

• Day 73: Living the Dream is the Purpose of Life

• Day 74: Stopping the MIND IN THE FLESH – Part 1

• The Inception of Desire: DAY 73
• Sex as Positive-Energy Addiction: DAY 74

 

Read the previous chapters of this exploration around art as a career choice:

• 73. Creative Spirit: I Just want to Paint!
• 72. My Career Choice