Tag Archives: physical process

588. Physically Slowing Down

 

Or how I’ve been focusing on and starting to live the ‘physical pace’ or ‘breath pace’ of what it means to live moment by moment in the physical.

 

For a few weeks now I have been deliberately focusing on slowing down in my day to day living, in the minute details of my ‘everyday actions’ wherein I did get to notice or acknowledge how there was this constant form of ‘haste’ or ‘rush’ within me in virtually every movement that I’d take. The interesting thing is that it might not even have been noticeable on the outside or within me at a conscious mind level, but there was a definitive pressure or rush existing within me in every move.

 

An example is when washing dishes where within this experience of ‘doing things diligently’ I would get to wash them, but still would be rushing through it, very subtly experienced within my body even if the outside movements were ‘normal’ or ‘slow’ but it was still there as some form of control/tension that one experiences in the body.

 

So in those moments I would deliberately stop myself from being in that ‘automated drive’ which had become the constant way I had in fact experienced myself in my physical body before, and would instead deliberately do things ‘slowly’ as defined by myself in that moment, meaning doing them actually at a physical-pace, at a ‘breath pace’ which means not being driven by a desire to ‘get it done’ or ‘be over and done with it to move to the next thing to do!’ where I am slightly moving ‘forward’ all the time and not being fully present in those moments, because of perceiving that I have to already be ‘doing what I’m going to be doing next’ in my mind.

 

I had to also at the same time work with and debunk all of these ideas about having to be doing ‘many things at once’ or being ‘super productive all the time’ and in that forgetting about ‘taking some fresh air and smell the roses’ type of approach because I had been entirely geared to constantly ‘doing’ things and not giving some time to myself, which I have also been doing more so in the past months, but now it’s not only about ‘what I do’ for myself, but also ‘who I am’ in every moment of my ‘awake’ state during the day, which has been quite cool.

 

This experience of rush or ‘looking forward’ all the time in a very physical level would be felt like a tension, a tightness, a ‘control’ point experienced as rigidity – another word to describe it can be an anxiety get things done, to complete the task, which has been a very, very ingrained thing within me since I was a child and I’d rush to get things done and be ‘done with it.’

 

Here I’ve also been looking at this desire to ‘get things done’ wherein it implies a slight desire to be ‘over and done with it’ wherein I would only focus on the result/the end point of it instead of actually being aware of who I am in the whole process of doing something, being present, being aware, being in this ‘slowed down’ physical experience, instead of already projecting to the end of it, or ‘wanting to get done with it’ which would also indicate I am not entirely here as my physical in the process of doing something, but I am in some way resisting it, disliking it, which I then open up in the moment to see ‘what is the experience’ I’m having right now, self forgive the experience and then decide to live words like focus, attention, slowing down, living in the moment and most importantly doing it the best way that I can to integrate myself in my physical body, instead of living ‘through the eyes of my mind’ which were of haste, rush and also only doing ‘what I prefer doing’ in one way or another.

 

I saw how upon placing myself to deliberately ‘slow down’, there was an irksome physical-internal experience that would initially emerge upon deciding to slow down, like a form of antsy/restlessness/anxiety that would want to ‘go back to rushing, doing it fast, be done with it’ and in this I would become aware of how I was in fact rushing, but I would justify it with wanting to obtain ‘maximum efficiency’ in terms of time for example, which then relates to how even if I didn’t perceive myself having a ‘battle against time’ at a conscious level – meaning I would not be ‘thinking of time’-  it was still me very much existing as this battle of time within me, because this ‘rush’ and ‘haste’ has all to do with me ‘looking forward’ to things, which I have then become more aware of throughout these past weeks, resulting in what has become more of a defined slowed-down pace within me altogether which has become quite noticeable in various ways.

 

I’ve noticed that I no longer feel the need to ‘rush’ in doing these small day to day things, like within doing dishes or cooking or preparing something that actually takes time – and yes, even in painting where in the past I would rush my way through it and now based on what I’ve been challenged to paint, I just can’t rush through it or I screw it up.

 

I also realized that upon seeing certain kinds of artistic expressions, I got to place myself in their shoes and see ‘who would I have to become to draw like that’ and it all had to do with extensive patience, slow-pace and focus, which are things that I’ve definitely been focusing on living in these ‘moment to moment’ situations, and that I’ll be also integrating more into artistic expression as well for a change, lol, and will see how it goes but I already had a taste of that and it was cool to see how every now and then there was this desire for me to just ‘be done and over with it’ – so upon catching myself doing so, I would then deliberately re-settle myself to this ‘slowing down’ mode, which for the effect of doing so means ‘doing things slowly’ within me until it becomes more of a more natural pace where there’s no haste going on in my mind and I am stable and quiet within myself doing what I need to do with it.

 

I also got some cross reference from the people that know me the best like my mother where she had often complained about my anxiety to always ‘move fast’ and ‘get things done fast’ and ‘speed up’ in traffic and things like that lol, which I am totally aware I did and I in fact explained to her how I had been deliberately focusing on slowing down in all those details within me and the interesting thing is that she had in fact noticed this, which is a cool cross-reference.

 

Somehow it has become the ‘new constant state’ of being within me, where there’s this physical experience of slowing down and I’ve tested this for the past last 2 weeks more so, how even if I would ‘want’ to rush, it’s like physically I am not just ‘into it’ anymore – and yep I can only see this as a result of having been applying myself in this focus/attention to the detail of what it means to ‘slow down’ in every moment and how upon doing so in a constant manner, it kind of has started becoming the ‘new me’ in my physical experience, which I find very interesting to say the least because ‘rush’ and ‘haste’ and a bit of a constant haste or ‘anxiety’ had become a very ingrained part of my physical body, not in the sense of being ‘stressed’ at a conscious manner, but more at a physical tension level that I thought was ‘the normal me’, and now I’m realizing that there is possibility to in fact be in the moment and ‘slow down’ at an internal and so external level and how that changes the way that I approach not only myself but others, and how bit by bit I go moderating this ‘intensity’ that I would also experience as myself coming more from an energetic experience at an internal level, rather than as an expression which I’d link more now to a self-enjoyment, being comfortable in my own skin and voice so to speak.

 

Now, this is maybe an initial phase because I have become aware of the many ‘small things’ that indicate there’s some kind of deeply ingrained form of anxiety, and here I have to say that I had not considered myself as an ‘anxious’ person any longer, yet at a physical level I’ve definitely become more aware of this ‘tension’ that can come up even in simple things like arriving to a certain place in time, where yes before process I would go already tensing up, being nervous throughout the whole trajectory. And now as I’ve been walking for almost a decade of it – I’ve been able to notice how in constantly redirecting myself to be stable, to let go of ‘wanting to get there on time’ and all of these ‘antsy’ things I’d experience, I can let go of the rush at a conscious level.

 

It is only fairly recently that this has become more of a physical experience as well, which I find very interesting, new to me – by all means – and enjoyable considering that there is like this ‘inertia’ that I have to still redirect within myself to not give into this ‘rush’ but, the interesting thing is that I cannot physically give myself into it anymore, which is quite new to me as well.  

 

I also found Matti’s vlog supportive on this point How I Find the Extra in the Ordinary so check it out as well, he explains different dimensions of it but still points out towards the same outcome: slowing down, being fully doing what one is doing in the moment, physically being stable, taking one point at a time, not ‘rushing’ in the mind, not ‘moving forward’ towards ‘the next task’ when doing something completely different in that moment, not creating a battle against time and disregarding what one is busy with and also realizing how we can use these ‘simple’ moments of day to day living as constant reminders to ground ourselves back into the physical pace, because even if I had understood the theory of it and maybe made some adjustments in my relationship to ‘rushing’ at a conscious level, living it physically as my ‘physical pace’ is definitively a new thing for me which I have to now continue to integrate, cultivate and establish as ‘the new me.’

 

Ok, I’ll share more updates as I go and if needed, such as how certain physical movements like rubbing my feet against each other, or pinching some parts of my body or touching my hair or ‘fiddling with something’ while talking on the phone or with someone can indicate other levels of internal experiences that I’ll be placing more attention on because I’ve been able to stop myself in doing them, and then notice that there was this ‘tension’ in a certain muscle group, to then see and try ways to ‘relax’ at a muscular level in that area which then connects to the process of breathing the tension or ‘involuntary movements’ and consciously decide to ‘let go’ of whatever ‘control’ point I was holding on to at a mind level – existing as a very in-depth fear’ for example as well, and move through it in a physical manner, by deciding to relax, let go and in that ‘loosening up’ myself specifically in the area of my body where this ‘tension’ was showing up as these ‘involuntary movements,’ which is also a cool way to ‘slow down’ at a physical level, but that’s the next level of self-awareness to work with for myself and I’ll report back once I go specifying it.

 

Thanks for reading

 

For more support on this, please check out the process of Living Words at SOUL (School of Ultimate Living) with Sunette Spies 

 

 

 

 

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458. Physical Support: Sharing Feedback

Or What have I been focusing on in relation to assisting and supporting my physical body?

I realize that I have not yet shared some of the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points (according to my mind) that I do test out and apply in my day to day related to physical movement and support.

There’s so much understanding about who we are in our minds and how we essentially handicap ourselves through experiences that we accept and allow, that essentially we can challenge ourselves in every move, as minute as it can be, and testing this out in terms of how much we limit ourselves in our self-movement for example based on notions of tiredness, or plain laziness as in ‘leaving something for later’ when in fact, who we are as the body is always ‘ready’ and ‘stable’ and ‘running’ as in being processing and living, doing all we need to keep ourselves alive, while we are at a conscious level very unaware of it all.  I’ve taken so much of my body for granted for a long time and I am becoming more inclined to focus more on it, considering that I am one of those persons that believes ‘I am not in contact with my body’ or ‘cannot perceive the changes that food creates in it’ or ‘can’t identify the state in which my body is’ – but, lately, this has been changing bit by bit.

I’ll share some examples of testing things out more at a physical level in terms of physical support. I’ve  challenged myself for now over a year and a half to start jogging, which is something I truly thought I was just not meant to do/not capable of doing at all, and I did the whole thing of starting small, bit by bit building the condition, the consistency, the direction that is required to also get to jog which is early in the morning which means creating a discipline to wake up early and start exercising and being directive instead of giving into ‘tiredness’ or just plain laziness.  One thing I’ve recently noticed is that I had wanted my condition to develop ‘faster’ like not getting tired at all while jogging, or not getting any muscle pains after jogging or exercising – but this still comes up and in referencing these points, there is this patience that exists in developing a condition, not ‘waiting’ for a particular experience at some point around it, but just doing it, while also keeping an eye on how my body goes responding to it.

And I have been testing many things on how my body fluctuates in this condition based on ‘the time of the month’ and based on the foods that I take, based on the amount of sleep, shoes, weather… lots of things that can create a variable in my experience when exercising, though I did notice that I had been too ‘pushy’ at times with doing it every single day and even if noticing that maybe I’d like some ‘day off’ in some periods of time, I just didn’t give myself/my body this time off and so what started happening recently is that my ‘time frame’ of jogging became more, meaning I was going slower and having more and more pains in the body therefore feeling the whole jog time as a really ‘hard time.’

After I reference this experience, I realized I did ‘kind of knew’ deep inside me that: hey maybe you have to slow down a bit with doing this every single day and instead give the body a rest – but here, I imposed my discipline (my mind) upon my body in this idea that I had to do it ‘every single day’, which means I wasn’t really listening to the pain in the body related to ‘doing it every day’ and considering a more supportive schedule for it.

So, I cross-referenced this and got to consider not doing it ‘every day’ but one day jogging and one day off and so forth – and I got to see the difference quite noticeably which was a very cool lesson here to see how yes my body stands as that resilience, that ability to ‘keep going’ but, I also have to stand as that  equilibrium, that ‘measure’ where I don’t push myself ‘more’ than what I can physically stand and so also listening to/considering my physical body in this, which in my case and my physical body means not ‘overdoing’ something to follow my mind’s notion of discipline, but to Listen to my body as well and not take the pains as just something that ‘will always be there.’ And this is just the beginning of this process of re-adjusting ‘my ways’ imposed to exercising, but decided to share so as to not wait until I have walked this point for another year and a half to share the results, because I had not even shared in a blog about this process of starting to jog for the first time as part of a daily exercise routine which I still have to normalize in terms of the recent discoveries around it. Possibly one day jogging, the other day just stretching and or resting completely and then jogging again the next day, will see.

Here, it might seem ‘easy’ for anyone familiar with exercise or sports to make a decision like this, but to me, I always ‘disliked’ sports and jogging around was like a penitence in school, so it’s been definitely awesome to see how I can stand as a point of self-movement and actually MOVE as my body, to persevere in that decision as well that I’ve made which I of course have to admit hasn’t always been ‘immovable’  as there’s been full weeks I haven’t gotten to do the jogging wherein the reason can vary – the time of the month, some minor physical discomfort, ‘being more tired’ which has to do with the mind entirely and so sorting that aspect out –  but I also don’t judge myself because that only creates a pit of regret of which is difficult to step out, but instead simply make a clear decision at night ‘going at it again tomorrow’ and so, live the words: do the waking up in the morning, start with stretching and then off we go to the track in the park. This is one seemingly simple ‘discipline’ but, it has assisted me quite a bit with pushing my own beliefs and boundaries on having a ‘bad condition’ or ‘not the kind of body that is suitable for running’ or ‘having a weak heart’ and all sorts of beliefs I also contributed to build throughout my life, which I mostly fueled in order to escape physical education class lol, and other social situations like going to hikings and things like that because I believed I would not be able to endure it, which was yes also a case but probably had to do with developmental years or something.

So, this has been also a process of testing out my ‘endurance’ in my body. I also continue to test out what foods work for my body, and definitely more than interested to learn to read my body more, to become more physically aware because I had neglected myself quite a lot in giving more value to the mind and not at all to myself, my body, the substance that is here as this whole ‘thing’ that allows me to breathe, live and be here, that one constant ‘companion’ as me that continues to stand and breathe and do all of its processes regardless of how I might feel in my head… and this is something to acknowledge and honor as the physical body and so, it’s been a commitment for me to not follow the usual trends where people ‘grow older’ and start also growing bigger, but instead to challenge that to a point that is suitable for my body and within this learning to honor and care for my body, not for appearance sake, but to be ‘fit’ as in functional, in good health and condition which is an inner and outer process that I can give to myself and can relate to the time and process it takes to cook meals for myself that I can enjoy, that I can also do for my partner and both have been paying a lot more attention to this whole health aspect for the sake of considering our physical body, which has been very supportive.  I see this as a ‘no brainer’ to focus on as well in my day to day living.

Another point we’ve been testing for probably half a year now is to massage every day, yep! I always saw this as impossible like ‘yeah come on, how can that be done!’ but fortunately my partner is quite the diligent man when he proposes to do something, so he’s been quite directive in this mutual support and making the schedule/time for it, even in times when it’s been one of those ‘long days’ we might shorten it to a back massage instead of a full body massage, but needless to say that this is also a daily test for me to see ‘who am I’ and ‘Where am I’ while massaging and it’s been really great to see how there was a ton of resistances to move to do the massage, of course! We like to receive isn’t it? But when it came to me, man, I did have to push myself until we continued to discuss this presence that we have to be and stand as while massaging, not focusing on ‘something else’ but moving, moving as the body, as that support that we want to give to ourselves as each other. So, this consistency in daily massage has been yet another awesome physical point of support to develop consistency, to the point where it is only now I’d say becoming a lot more physical and ‘natural’ if you will to do so, to make it part of the routine of the day which also proves that doing/building/creating something in physical reality and making it ‘the new me’ as ‘our new nature’ takes time.

Massaging has also been extremely supportive in terms of the relationship, having that moment to come together and assist our physical bodies and definitely has assisted in those days as well where there were moments of disagreements or misunderstandings where that becomes the physical point of confronting each other and in essence walk a forgiveness and laying out things clear while massaging and wrapping up the day in that decision to support each other in the massage. It has also been a great way to initiate sex as well, which I’ve also found out many times I still get the notion of ‘naaah not now’ but I also then have been testing this point of physically moving, physically making that decision to express and voilà, it works, absolutely. And these thus have been moments where I have been definitely applying myself in deciding ‘who am I’ in these very physical activities that I would usually as per habit  still bring some laziness or procrastination around it.

So these things are one of the more ‘physical’ aspects in my process yet have had a clear support to myself, my body and in this case my relationship as well since we are both on the same track when it comes to assisting our bodies, learning how to eat better and I have to say that I have learned a lot from his consistency and diligence in his own routines and ways, which I take as an example to do the same and stand equal to what I see he’s being capable of following through with. So, it’s a great set of pointers to integrate to one’s relationship as well, physical activities and physical body care, along with obviously the mind processing that goes with it, very, very fulfilling and assisting ‘real time’ with real challenges that sure, can be met with ‘resistance’ initially but the trick is to keep breathing, keep ‘going’ and that’s where I’ve seen how I can stand as these words that the physical body represents to me, which is for now very much geared in this self-movement and pushing some previously-imposed boundaries/limitations onto myself and so my body.  This awareness and process at a physical level is also only one of the outflows of walking the Desteni Process where one does not only integrate realizations at a mind level, but is then able to live them through at a physical level in the seemingly ‘small details’ of our day to day lives. I’m forever grateful to have done this rotund change in my ‘lifestyle’ with this process Sonrisa

Thanks for reading.  

 

If you’d like some support in preventing and being 1+ person that stands up for life in a practical day to day living manner, check out:

 

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390. Making Decisions Based on Feelings, Not Facts

 

Continuing from:

Quote from “The Love/Hate Relationship with Art” entry: The point is I tried to make My definition of Art fit with what would enable me to use it to demonstrate that it is possible to change the world. However I realized that no matter how many images I make, how many pictures I take, how many great ideas I would have I was entirely mostly having an imaginative outflow of how this could operate without ever really landing it into any serious/real project. I always kept everything at a low-fi level because right after the first year in Art school, I discovered Desteni and my interests veered dramatically – hence the ‘shutting down’ of any pursue to further my career to make a name of myself etc..

 

Patterns:

1. The idea of Art as an instrument to “Change the World.” Suiting something according to my interests, to justify my ends in order to cover up another self-definition I am wanting to hold on to – in this case wanting to make the definition of art suit my current interests so that I’m able to say that ‘I’m still doing a form of art, even if it’s not conventional,’ without realizing that it’s merely a definition in itself and that as such, I have to stop making this definition suit my interest around art, and merely see the actions/deeds for what they are and imply.

2. Expecting something to ‘happen to me’, someone to ‘save me,’ someone to ‘find me’ instead of me moving myself in order to make things happen, to become my own directive principle instead of hoping, waiting or fantasizing about the things that can happen ‘in the future.’

3. The idea that something outside of myself can ‘change the world’ in itself, in this case that I could ‘change the world’ through creating art, or that art should be used to demonstrate that we can change the world, when in fact this is once again delegating to something/someone the ability to change, without realizing that there can be many catalysts for change, practical presentations for it – but it will only ever work if we implement it, integrate it, live it and become it ourselves and by ‘change’ I mean becoming an individual that takes responsibility for our creation, that learn how to coexist with everyone else as equals and as such participates to create a world where everyone is supported to live in dignity. Where does that begin? Within self only. A system, a structure can support and promote the change, but it is about each one of us integrating such change within ourselves to make it real. Therefore ‘art’ in itself cannot change the world, only we can one by one.

4. Giving up on something based on seeing ‘no result’ in a short period of time, without taking into consideration that everything in this world and reality requires actual work, time, dedication, constancy and consistency as well as patience to have something be developed in order to give fruition. So giving up on something/someone based on not getting any ‘quick results’ is rather a mechanism of self-sabotage where I am expecting things to work ‘instantaneously’ instead of considering a plan, a structure, the practical steps and timeframes, methods and ways to make something function/work to give the expected results. This means: no wishful thinking.

5. Blaming something/someone for sidetracking from my initial purposes, I have realized how we usually blame something/someone in order to not recognize our sole responsibility to our decisions, words, thoughts and deeds.

6. Making decisions in my life based on emotions and feelings, wishful thinking, desires and fantasies –  mostly going for what ‘feels good’ and avoiding what according to my ego/personalities felt ‘not right’/ ‘not good’ – instead of considering the actual physical space-time planning, structure, steps, time and consequences of the decisions

 

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Self Forgiveness on these patterns:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape a definition of ‘art’ that would suit my personal interests of wanting it to be the ‘tool to change the world’ without realizing that in this equation I was separating myself from such change and only considering that ‘art’ had to be that ‘for me,’ and because I didn’t see results this way in the short-run then I gave it up completely, without realizing that this is a usual pattern wherein I expect things to ‘do something for me’ instead of me being the directive principle within everything that I do – as such it makes sense that a single image, or drawing or video or else can do the ‘change’ process in itself, and as such it is only a tool that can support with the realization and recognition of change that I have to still conduct, apply, live within myself as everyone else as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this definition of art as the quote by Ernst Fischer that also later on I had a ‘fuck it they’ve done it all first’ moment when seeing that in the beginning of the Zeitgeist movie they used this quote that I was cherishing as ‘the foundation’ for my ‘art project’ in itself which is the quote from his book ‘The Necessity of Art’

“In a decaying society, art, if it is truthful, must also reflect decay. And unless it wants to break faith with its social function, art must show the world as changeable. And help to change it”

And with this, believe that I had to always s stick to these definitions, quotes and theories to justify what I wanted to do with my life as an ‘agent of social change’ and still ‘stick’ to my career, just because of the fear of being seen as a ‘dropout’ or someone that didn’t follow-through with art-creation, which is all based on the beliefs and expectations that I believed people had created upon me, because the career is definitely one that I chose for social-recognition upon something that I considered I was ‘special’ within – therefore the whole conflict of having to justify what I do within an artistic context, without realizing that if we look at it beyond definitions, the process of change and being the example of what it means to change is what I am doing and what I’ve decided to do with my life in function of creating a better world, to establish living principles of creation where there exist barely non at the moment, and as such once again using ‘artistic creations’ and creativity as tools with which to do this, without forgetting that I do not require to justify what I do within an artistic concept for the sake of ‘sticking to my career-choice’ as an idea of ‘who I am.’

I realize that instead I can share how I can apply these principles to what I do/ who I am and the practical ways in which I’ve realized we can conduct this change in our decaying society – whoever I commit myself to no longer wanting to justify what I do within this imperative need to make of my life and my decisions as ‘still’ artistic or part of my career choice, as that single theoretical link that I’m attempting to create is what re-enacts the relationship conflict in relation to me and the studies I took on, without realizing that what really matters is not a tag, a name, a definition but how these principles are lived and applied in real-practical living.

Another pattern is ‘giving up’ on something if it doesn’t satisfy my expectations and not putting it all the effort to make it work, because in the mind I always expect quantum results and having immediate effect of my expectations in this case and example, the entire intent behind everything that I would do as an ‘artistic creation/ project’ was to ‘fit in’ my own desires to make my inner process ‘artistic’ as well, and it can be done and for sure it’s even compatible – though the point here is to point out how within this starting point, I was once wanting the ‘artwork’ to do its effect by itself, and kind of hoping that someone would just ‘notice it’ and make me famous type of ideals, which is really unrealistic because nothing in physical reality really works that way

And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint a form of hope and ‘waiting’ with myself and my career, my ‘art’ because I was kind of expecting that someone would knock on my door and discover my creations and make me famous type of ideal and unreality. And this is what I see I had built also around my own ‘career choice,’ wherein I had not defined a plan for my future in fact, but just kind of getting myself into the art world and having something/someone come to me or happen to me that would ‘lead me’ to become successful at it, so there was a lot of wishful thinking, positive thinking involved in wanting this to materialize ‘by itself,’ kind of only having ‘the work do its work,’ which is certainly not how reality works and as such

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up on my creative skills because of not seeing ‘any results,’ which is the pattern of giving up on something if not getting the expected results right away in turn, which is what happens when I do not consider the actual effort, the actual process of making something work, something be successful, any enterprise that I embark myself on and not expect it to be ‘successful’ right away, but rather work within the accumulation principle wherein the amount of time, work and effort invested onto a business/ an enterprise or anything that I have committed myself to do, is not going to be ‘minimal’ or ‘very little’ as in this reality everything takes time, effort, patience, constancy, consistency, developing further skills, developing further relationships and all of this implies that what I attempted to do with my life and my wishful thinking about my artistic career was not founded upon physical, practical planning and considerations but that I absolutely just ‘jumped into the boat’ because it sounded great and it satisfied my intentions back then when I made the decision to study art – so within this,

I realize that when we make decisions based on emotions/feelings and dreams, it will most likely be crashing down on the pavement back to reality because it was all a temporary foam that I created in my mind as ‘my future,’ without any real consideration of the work, the time, the money, the people, the places, the relationships, the materials, the skills or anything of that, but only wanting to kind of have something/someone ‘make me famous’ or ‘make me successful,’ which is no different to how we as human beings tend to be hoping and waiting that something/someone will come to save us, just because we haven’t yet realized or learned that we can only make things happen if we move within it, if we invest the time, money, effort, patience, consistency that goes with making any plan, any enterprise work.

Further support for business and non-business people on this point: Time = Money – The Soul of Money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind covertly ‘blame process’ for me not having followed through with my career, without realizing that such ‘blame’ is in fact looking at the actual regret and realizing the nature of the decisions I made in my life, wherein instead of taking absolute responsibility for my life and realizing the lack of practical planning and decision making processes that I had to make, I instead realized the flimsy planning – if any – I had created for me and my life and as such only finished school for the sake of ‘finishing it’ but my ‘heart’ as they say was not into it any longer, because I realized the expectations, dreams and ideals that I entered to school with, which all came ‘tumbling down’ when realizing the reality that I had missed in my decisions – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself in this extreme of going from the absolute experience of being ‘into my career’ and giving it the most to giving it the minimum required based on the realization of my intentions behind studying art, and here instead of just forgiving myself for that and being able to walk through it without reactions, I slowly but surely built a certain experience of overall ‘regret’ about it which is how the love-hate relationship was formed. It all happened in my mind based on the positive experience I had imprinted to the idea of studying art/becoming an artist and how when realizing such positive-feelings and imaginations and hoping and dreaming about what I could do in art, I went into the polarity opposite of deeming it as something negative/bad/superficial instead of just realizing what I had done, take self responsibility for it which in a way I did in relation to finishing studies, but within myself as well wherein I am able to stand sound with understanding the context of my past decisions, walk through the consequence without imprinting ‘the consequence’ with negative experiences, as that is where the whole inner conflict was created – and yes, it is quite unnecessary when it is just a matter of walking physical moments, experiences, processes that require my participation and direction and that’s it.

I realize that what’s done is done and as such the only gift I can give to myself is being able to prevent me from once again making decisions in my life based on ‘how I feel’ about something or someone, and instead learn from the ‘mistakes’ so to speak in order to learn how to take into consideration physical reality, practical planning, realistic considerations and of course in such ‘career decision’ processes, look at the practicality of where I can employ myself and genuinely develop a financial stability with it, because I of course now realize that I could have done it differently if my decision was to remain doing artwork, it was about investing a lot of time to it, which is what I had initially planned to do – but of course, after realizing the actual practical process required in this world, my ‘decision making’ process was almost immediate when choosing to dedicate myself to walk this process that in turn I can apply into and within any other realm that I see is most practical to assist and support others to walk the same process.

I realize here that art once again can be a tool of support for this process that I’ve decided to walk – however I could not realistically see myself investing most of my time in developing certain skills that I knew I wasn’t going to be using any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a ‘fraud’ to the teachers and the people that supported me throughout my stance in art school and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed toward them because of believing that they invested their time ‘incorrectly’ and even the ‘spot’ I had in such important school could have been used by another person that genuinely wanted to be an artist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take me to see ‘the bright side’ as in ‘not everything is lost because I learned a lot from some of the books, teachers and interactions in school as well as the skills,’ which in part it is so, but here it is not to once again want to ‘white wash it’ and get a positive experience out of it –here I then see things for what they are, realizing that yes I probably won’t be making etchings and using all of those techniques I learned, however if my starting point of that is ‘wasting my time’ or ‘someone else’s time,’ then I also forgive myself as that comes within the idea that I took something from someone by attending that school, without realizing that I did want to be there, I did want to learn that and as such, because we cannot turn back time I simply walked through the whole educational process till the end and that’s it. I took responsibility for my choice and now I also take responsibility for my life wherein I recognize other ways in which I can direct myself to support myself and others within this process which is my purpose in life and ‘my life’ in itself, and as such whether what I do is deemed as artistic or creative or not, is not something that matters, as this is not about definitions or how actions and words are categorized, but instead how they are lived and applied.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to step into a career with the sole purpose and idea of ‘making a name’ for myself, to further my recognition ambitions for doing something that people would consider ‘great’ without realizing that in this, I was only spiting myself because I am the one that had to face the consequences of not properly planning my decisions in life, to make sound/physical and practical decisions and not just go for how ‘good’ it made feel and how ‘nice’ my imaginations were in relation to day-dreaming of being an artist and being famous, being recognized and having the ‘time of my life’ within the context of having money, be able to ‘change the world’ – according to my dreams – and at the same time be happy and feel ‘blessed’ as that is the kind of spiritual attitude I was into when I got into art school, quite imbued with spirituality and positive thinking which is why I also allowed myself to want to ‘attract’ success and not consider physical-doings like practical planning, assessing my skills and aptitudes etc. but only choose a career based on my ‘feeling’ of ‘being special/unique’ and having this apparent ‘gift’ to create something, without realizing that we are all capable of creating something and that me taking a decision within this delusion was most likely prone to generate consequences that I am walking through as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life in terms of choices, people, places, careers, what ‘I like’ or what makes me ‘feel special’ and what I accept in my life based on experience, based on what ‘felt good’ what felt ‘right’ according to my personalities, and veer off from that which didn’t satisfy my ego, my desire to be doing something ‘more creative’ based on how I defined ‘creativity’ on plastic arts mostly, which as I’ve walked is rather limiting if we only recognized our ability to create based on making ‘art works.’

Therefore, I realize that in my life I made many decisions based on feeling, on the experience, on the beliefs, on the expectations, on the dream-like state that I would usually fuel myself with in order to actually evade looking at the reality that I had considered was ‘too awful’ to face and to walk thoroughly as any other individual. Meaning that my decision to be ‘an artist’ was precisely to be ‘eccentric’ and to be ‘acceptable’ within such eccentricity meaning outside of the regular circles of society because of having a judgment toward ‘the system’ and ‘society’ as a whole based on seeing how politics, education systems, money works and the lack thereof, which is why upon facing this ‘insanity’ I kind of decided to make myself ‘insane’ as well as the ‘good reflection of society’ that I was planning to be and become, and so be able to ‘create’ from such image and likeness of the system. Hence the nature of self-destruction portrayed in what I created, even if I was not able to say ‘why’ I only see death and destruction mostly, sadness, depression and overall madness, which was just me trying to become that and do that to myself and the world to not face the responsibility to it, as it’s easier to ‘destroy’ than deconstruct, reconstruct and create something new and stable again.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize or ‘remember’ that my ‘initial intent’ of what I wanted to be and become in my life was in the very beginning before art was ‘in my life,’ to study a career that would make me have a lot of money and be able to ‘travel around the world’ – the usual ‘dreams’ that came with me initially wanting to become a financial advisor wherein I could use my ‘skills’ in a profitable manner. I also recognize that studying art was my way of apparently ‘spiting my parents/others’ that believed that I was going to study some ‘great and complicated career’ based on the supposed intelligence I had, wherein I realized that the only way to ‘turn the tables’ and not follow the pattern, was to study something wherein what I do wasn’t able to be graded with A’s for ‘being right’ but where I could challenge other skills and abilities that to my perception were not able to get ‘ratings,’ without realizing later on that they would still be rated in the same manner any other school work gets rated, which got me irate and furious the very first time that I considered I had placed ‘all my effort’ into something, for months on, working even in my supposed ‘leisure time’ with the attempt to get an A and I got a B and that was ‘heartbreaking’ for me because I was expecting my work to be recognized as ‘good.’ In this I realize that even if I wanted to supposedly ‘escape’ the grading system and the apparent skills I had by ‘studying art,’ I later on realized that art and the art world is no different to any other part of this system that we live in, wherein it is not this wonderland where system-laws don’t apply – and that is how I was able to also burst my own bubble of escapism when realizing that art was no different to any other part of this reality that is managed by ourselves, individuals and that it doesn’t really imply something entirely ‘different’ to any other career because it is still existent within the context of a world system where what you do is assessed and valued in order to be sold as a product so that one can have money to eat. And that makes it no different to any other career or profession – so even within this, I realized that there was no really a way ‘out’ of the system, which then became another reason to be disillusioned at ‘the art world,’ without realizing that any ‘disillusionment’ is really created based on the initial positive ideals that I had formed around it, which means: I did this all to myself and as such, it is not a ‘guilt trip’ now, as that would evade me from walking now the self-responsibility to my decisions and my life in itself and the decision making processes that I will now consider in practical and physical terms, not based on feelings/emotions and ideals.

 

Rumbos Inciertos 06

 

Suggest watching the following Desteni I Process Google Hangouts:

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273. Honoring Life and our Creative Force in Equality

When looking at what we have learned to express as and dedicated our lives to as humanity, it’s not been to honor each other as equals, we didn’t learn from our parents or at school how to do that – we instead learned how to compete, how to win, how to ‘do whatever it takes’ to become number one and feel proud about it. We never learned how to direct our every breath and every moment consideration to nurture ourselves, to become better living beings, to learn from others, to support others to strengthen ourselves and themselves, to cooperate and realize the true harmony that can create in this world. Unfortunately, we have only learned the opposite: to only care for ourselves, our loved ones, to respect authorities that abuse the majorities, to vote for that which will ensure My security and satisfaction while neglecting those that will be affected by such measures, to deposit our time and workforce to maintain a system wherein no one is living ‘happily ever after’ yet still believe that such thing is possible.

 

Continuing from:

Our civilization is like a fractal from the perspective that we can take any part of it, anywhere in the world, study the patterns as the forces involved in creating the patterns that such part/piece of reality is presenting and we will be able to realize the limitations, the abuse, the suffering, the negligence, the harm and also all the benefits and good living conditions generated through the use and abuse of such resources/space/people/living beings.

When I began writing about this point within looking at sacred art the same points exist: we learn to revere to a reality according to the pictures that we are then taught to venerate, to obey and we get certain belief systems imprinted wherein we are able to justify such abuses – like no one questions why people are still living in shacks made of cardboard and aluminum sheets in certain peripheral areas of our ‘great cities’ but billions are invested in freeways, constructions of the greatest quality, multi-billion projects for malls and other centers that ensure more money will be obtained through such investment – but, what kind of ‘profit’ can one make from building proper houses for people? If you are the company that builds such houses, you can earn great profit with the right connections, however the materials of such houses are most likely flimsy and of the lowest quality, why? Because we haven’t learned how to honor each other as equals and we give to another that which will cost us the least so we can earn the most. Haiti is still struggling to recover after 3 years of the Earthquake and the world keeps turning without any substantial support being given to people that have no basic sanitation/ toilettes/ running water and sewage which in itself is currently the cause of the cholera outbreaks that are becoming a chronic situation there.

It is impossible to not look at my comfortable position and ponder how on Earth one can feel ‘happy’ in this world while billions of people that are equals in essence to myself are going through hell every single day. And all of this is because we have learned to honor money and not life. We have learned to trust invisible gods to make a change instead of us taking the responsibility for our creation; we have learned to rather applaud the great civilized world of wonders, luxury, opulence and ‘divinity’ while turning a deliberate blind eye to the reality that we are neglecting in order to ensure that we ‘keep on dreaming’ and never look at the other side.

 

The point here is to realize one thing: in the end, everything that we are currently securing our lives with is a make believe system that is no longer sustainable, just as the gods and religions that are slowly but surely coming to pass as more young people realize the fallacy that it is to venerate gods and money that is destroying the Earth, and it’s not a power that god and money have in themselves, it is the way we are currently using Money which is the problem. And currently our lives are revealing their ‘real dark side’ in order for us to realize that we have really fucked up. We cannot continue venerating gods and money that is deliberately becoming the most lethal drug that we are all consuming on a daily basis, and we have to understand that such lethal drug is the mind and who we are as the mind is the one that has accepted and allowed any form of power in separation of ourselves, any form of symbol as ‘more’ than ourselves and any creative force place at the service of forging these very same symbols and structures determined to implant belief systems that have ruled humanity from the very beginning of our civilization.

This is also in conjunction when looking at human history, all continents and their prehistoric times wherein all that remains is all the archeological residues of civilizations and all the representations and ‘great works’ that were mostly dedicated to create this ‘divine’ idea of the human being, adoring gods and forces of nature outside of themselves, learning to consider the ‘greatest forces’ in this world as ‘bigger’ and ‘more powerful’ than ourselves, and in this abdicating all sense of reality when it comes to really looking at what it is that we are praying for/ venerating/ building, what type of values, what are we really creating a sense of respect for, what are we placing on pedestals and as such, also looking at everything that we are mostly neglecting and brushing aside as all our ‘backchat’ and secret mind transformed into the ‘ugliness’ of the world that we constantly feel the need to ‘spice up’ – it is unsustainable now to hide behind gods and good spirits since even drugs and alcohol are turning the ‘party’ into a nightmare and horror screening in real-time.

 

Within all of this it is just a reflection of everything that I could realize just by observing some ‘marvels’ of sacred art and the history that exists before us as humanity, and the thing is that throughout all of this time there has been no equal and one consideration of who we are as living beings toward each other. Proof of that is that we rather employed our work force to create gods and ‘precious items’ to make ourselves ‘more worthy’ than developing any form of Self-Honesty and consideration of what is best for every single living being in this world. There was non, and the fact that many people are Still venerating any god – either money or religious god – generates the point of abuse necessary to maintain this current system in place. Yes, you read properly: abuse required to maintain this current system in place.

 

In the Equal Money Capitalism we will practice the law of placing our creative forces at the service of Life itself, learning how to honor ourselves as each and every single cell that we have taken for granted, we will learn how to understand that no system can be a ‘living environment’ without ensuring that every single being is equally supported to have the necessary means and services/ resources to Live in dignity – because we will stop living as viruses within a system outdoing each other and being subsumed in mind-battles against each other, we will instead learn how to become the beings that we all desired to become, but ended up veering such twisted self idea toward a relationship of competition, dishonor and abuse because that’s currently the only way only a few can ‘win’ in the game.

The creations that will originate from such self-stability and real harmony will have nothing to do with artifacts that represent symbols of ‘moreness’ as the depiction of our personal deliriums within the beliefs of gods/ money/ power, we will instead learn how to put our creative efforts to create sustainable environments that finally consider the life that has been used/abused to currently maintain our deceptive self-images and money systems. A real honor toward oneself and each other will emerge and the expression of ourselves will be a one and equal reflection of that – that’s definitely an art/creativity that one can ‘look forward’ to – however such decision to do this must not be placed in a ‘long term future projection,’ and instead realize that we have to become it ourselves, today, by making a decision in every moment to be of life and not of the mind of gods, moneys and ‘power systems’ that have only served to abuse life.

That is certainly the purest breath of life that we can give to ourselves, to purify ourselves, to support and direct our every single cell to ensure our lives are honored at last and we burn down to ashes everything that was never meant to do just that.

 

So, this is a rebirth for Self-Expression, to never again idolize gods and money and instead learn how to honor our every single cell that enables us to breathe and exist and as such, direct our every day and existence to for once and for all implement a world system that will ensure no one/ no-thing  is ever again used as energy and work force to sustain/maintain beliefs systems of abuse such as religions and the monetary system that only benefits some. From this starting point of standing one and equal to every single part/particle in our reality, we can be sure that whatever we express/manifest from this living-statement of who we are as Life in Equality, we will learn what actual Self Expression is, which won’t be based on beauty and all these wonderful stories of divine powers and great victories,  but a real extension of a stability, a certainty, an honoring of ourselves as that which we are committing ourselves to live by and express as.

The meaning and purpose of life, is at all times Life in itself – hence we first learn how to Live: we create a world system that lays the foundation to enable such living expression @ www.equalmoney.org

Further Support:

How to Become Life

 

 

Blogs:

Economist’s Journey to Life

Journey to Life

 

Interviews:

  • The Soul of Money series is the greatest sociological, psychological and economical education with a holistic perspective of this world systems, ourselves and the solutions to create a world in Equality.

2012 Self-Religion: The Tower of the Fool

The world Religion implies re-union re-ligare which in a common-sensical definition, it would mean the unification of man as one and equal; but as anything in this world, we have adjusted it to create our own set of rules and values that we established as ‘the ground we stand upon individually’ even if it’s absolutely uneven, swampy or completely unsustainable. But because we ‘stand on it,’ we believe that ‘it is acceptable’ and ‘sustainable’ eventually thinking that because of all the time, effort and money that we spent on creating such  base for us to stand upon, it is ‘our worth,’ sometimes we value more the idea of ourselves than actually taking into consideration what we are in fact as physical living beings. We sometimes end up defending and guarding it with our very own lives, often losing perspective and creating this entire ‘entity’ in separation of ourselves as equal living beings in this world.

This Self-Created Religion as all the beliefs, judgments, ideas, preferences, values is then created as a set of ‘laws’  that we have become and deeply incrusted them into and as our being, believing that it would be impossible to ever change them, because we’ve created ‘who we are’ in relation to that set of knowledge and information as our ego.

I have an example of this, it is my father – ‘genio y figura hasta la sepultura’ is a saying in spanish, an idiom for explaining how one will remain being one’s ego / mind-set/ self-religion until death. One can even take proud on such points, believing that it is actually something honorable to stick to one’s beliefs and thoughts and remain ‘unchangeable’ throughout one’s life – but not within a common sensical perspective of being stable and remaining what we call ‘grounded,’ but actually being extremely rigid about one’s ‘way of being.’  That’s how I could define a Self-Religion. I gave this example to place now myself into perspective, taking such points as myself and when I see this, I see: I’ve been quite a stubborn person in ‘changing my ways.’ I have played the exact same role of not being ‘flexible’ at all times, which means, I’ve lived by that which I ‘believe is so’ and anyone that could dare to challenge it, I would mostly attack and deny or even ‘prove wrong’ within a haughty position.

Man, was I stubborn, even my family members reminded me about that this last December when sharing about our childhood and how we used to be. I accepted the fact that I had been quite a picky and stubborn mostly spoiled child  – you guys reading this blog and following my process would not have believed how I was and how I behaved as a child. Though, that’s been mostly exposed for myself to see how I accepted and allowed myself to be playing this role as a ‘drama queen’ just so that I wouldn’t have to take Self Responsibility, which has been part of me stopping all forms of victimization and a general stance of self-righteousness often accompanied with rigid statements and ‘self-laws’ based on my personality/ ego/ persona.

I’ve been quite self conscious throughout my life, I would deliberately create certain ‘systems’ of beliefs/ preferences/ words/ mannerisms and everything else that encompassed ‘my world’  in a very specific way to build myself as a personality. Each point that I would ‘integrate’ as myself , I would  ‘make it my own’ and stick to it as if my very life depended on it.

This became part of how I would guard my belongings with my life, being extremely obsessed about having everything under control, being extremely strict about things that I would allow within myself and others that I simply would never engage myself with – essentially being rather stiff about everything. As a child I was extremely serious and disciplined and would suit myself according to the environment I was in at the moment. If I was at school, I would be very serious and behave like a little tin soldier. If I was at home, I would be rather spoiled and wanting to be just having the TV all for myself, all the time  = rather possessive and picking up frictions around with my sisters whenever anyone would dare to ‘invade my space.’  If I was wanting to dance or be all goofy, I would ‘take the stage’ and be that in an absolute manner. My mother has dubbed me as ‘extremist’ in terms of how I take on something and live it/ apply it full-on – lol, I guess that’s cool in terms of how I take on this process now, problem was and still is when I would take non-supportive things ‘full-on’ in a rather obsessive manner. I guess that’s how I got to know my ‘limits’ as well, hence not a ‘mistake’ but a road that I simply saw would lead me nowhere.

All of these aspects I can see I used to shape/ form my belief system as the ‘Marlen Religion’ that I fully became. Lol, I remember there was a moment at the farm, I was rather sick or going through some of those tortuous moments of facing myself within a specific point, I felt like shit and I knew that I looked as if I was dying, and Bernard came into the kitchen and said: ‘The death of Marlena! lolol’ which is supposed to be that process of having to let go of the entire ego/ personality and actually beginning to live. All I could do is realize that anything that I could perceive is ‘haunting me’ or feeling like this huge block on top of my head, causing me to be hunching more than  usual and having a rather droopy facial expression as a sign of ‘I’m not “feeling well,” was part of the self-created process wherein I got to see what I was actually torturing myself with. It was my own mind, of course.

See, the physical was simply here and just allowing me to see that I had to let go of such  fears and judgments that I was tormenting myself with at the time = that’s my religion. All preferences, all ideas of what and who I have to be, it’s like taking on custom-made suit that we used to wear to become this specific personality that we then believe we can’t just ‘take off,’ because we fear being naked and exposed or something like that. Well, this is obviously metaphorically speaking, but I knew that I had to walk out of that limitation and opening up to new ways of living and ‘handling myself’ in the world, which are here for me to be and become, to stand one and equal to in common sense.

The Religion of Marlen became quite obvious the more I got to know myself and started seeing how everything that I regarded as ‘who I am’ and ‘what I am’ are nothing but self-created ideas, beliefs, judgments and preferences that I have taken on and sown as the quilt that I’ve become, in terms of personality and overall self-presentation and embodiment as ‘who I am.’

What I explained in the past as going through an ‘emotional breakdown’ at the beginning of this process – and even a while before that – I linked to the Tarot card  ‘the Fool. The man in that Tarot card that I have has his hands on his face, all naked and had real messy hair, just like I had it back then yet all grey and of a rather old age. I would see that card as that moment when I realized that nothing of what I had believed myself to be was actually real, meaning this entire personality as the ‘tower’ that I had built of my personality to achieve some form of ‘success’ and that I had actually invested quite a bit upon in time, money and ‘effort’ had to be destroyed by myself. I name ‘the Tower’ because that was another card that I would see rather often at that time, and I asked myself what it would mean in terms of ‘losing my religion’ – yes, just like that R.E.M song lol – and how I later on realized that tower had to be demolished because I was never going to reach ‘god’ with it, I was mostly only inflating my ego, which had to be burst if I wanted to actually get Real and Live.

The ‘emotional breakdown’ that I experienced was mostly having to let go of my beliefs, my ideas, my over-detailed creation as the personality wherein every single thing that I would wear, say, do, have around me would have a meaning/ purpose/ a part of me/ a memory that I had decided to keep as myself. It was quite baffling when realizing I had to let go of all the value, time, effort, money placed in the creation of ‘myself.’ I remember I lied beneath the dining room’s table upon a rug, with my back on the floor and began painting on the back-side of the table’s wood like a ‘cosmic ascension scenario,’  quite a grounding experience, yet it was part of the tantrum I threw wherein I was almost ready to get rid of everything I had done and bought, lol I was quite a drama queen I’d say. But it also revealed to myself how much value/ worth I had placed on everything around me, to the extent of missing myself completely within that equation. I was also able to see how I was rather judgmental toward ‘materialist people’ regarding their wealth and properties as ‘their god’ while in fact, I was doing exactly the same thing.

After I started realizing that it wasn’t necessary for me to stop painting or stop absolutely living as I did, but only changing the starting point of everything I did, I saw how I could simply start looking at how I had created/ defined myself according to how I would carry myself through the world, what I would wear, how I would speak, what was the mindset I would have when interacting with specific people, what I had regarded of value/ worth, what I had defined as ugly/ disgusting/ nasty, what I had defined as dumb/ stupid/  and all the opposites to this, which is how I started debunking my own vocabulary in terms of having spoken about good vibes, positive energies, god/ creation, superstitions, good-will and everything else I mean, I’ll quote Lao Tzu

“when all the world knows goodness to be good, there is already evil”

That point debunked my then perception of the world in a subtle manner that I could only grasp much later on.

My self-religion was created in an attempt to become someone that could have an impact on this world within standing in what I deemed was ‘the good path,’ trying to leave a ‘good impression’ in people for the sake of being liked, being supported, being placed as someone ‘extraordinary.’ That’s probably why I wanted to become an ‘artist’ as this was the platform that I saw could support my inherent desires, yet at the same time, being able to create enough impact on people, while getting the regular dose of appraisal and glorification to keep the ego up to date.

We live in a world wherein individuals are meant to ‘shape their personality’ as part of the matrix-initiation of ‘life’ and ‘living,’ which is nothing else but establishing our own rules, paradigms, views/ perspectives on what we like, what we dislike, what we stand for, what we oppose, what we believe is so, what type of things we do, what we don’t like doing and all of this is endorsed by and within the system so that we stand as part of a certain population that will have similar treats and quirks on ‘how we live life,’ which makes of this world a quilt of types of people, each one being targeted by specific marketing mechanisms and everything essentially being linked to buying and selling life, ensuring the system is ‘kept alive’ by this competition of egos and imposition of beliefs as ‘the way’ to live and interact in this world.  Eventually I became part of this specific type of personality within which I was able to establish relationships, ensuring that I would only stick to communicating with people that I saw as similar as myself, and deliberately neglecting and separating myself from the rest, as if they didn’t even exist.

Part of being walking with Desteni as a group is facing all these various prejudices toward myself within a particular frame of mind (lol, wrote ‘friend of mind’) that I had deemed as immovable, unwavering, unchanging as al the aspects of myself that would not allow me to unconditionally stand with particular ‘types of people’ only because of how they looked, what they seemed like, what they enjoyed, how they expressed themselves, etc. This has been actually an ongoing process of unconditionally being able to stand equal to a person and deliberately walk through situations and events without falling for the usual automated prejudices wherein I would immediately categorize and place in my ‘charts of values’ all people around me. I actually even thought that I was the only one having the ability to do this ‘right away,’ only to realize through participating in this process that we all did exactly the same thing! No specialness anywhere, we were truly all just living out the same shit.

It’s funny now to expose it, but at the moment it was almost ‘painful’ having to let go of my definitions and specifically, letting go of cherishing everything that I had almost classified and kept for the sake of maintaining this constant memoirs and reminders of ‘who I am’ and ‘why I am what I am,’ lol. When walking this process one perceives such points as an internal “Nooooo!” but it is only the mind screaming back at itself when seeing that a source of energy as the kicks we get from anything we define ourselves as, is no longer supported, no longer ‘fed’ so to speak within revisiting all of those points as sources of memory/ reminders of who I am, why I do what I do and what ‘drives’ my life, which was all in separation of myself.

At that time, I saw that having to let go of using 8 rings in my hands, letting go of using my beloved black eyeliner and nail polish, letting go of my hair at some point, letting go of my general treats like smoking or drinking and getting high, letting go of friends, letting go of my beliefs in a supernatural reality, letting go of the idea of myself that I had fed until that moment as being a ‘special person’ was actually ‘losing myself,’ when it was in fact the other way around. It was almost physically painful getting rid of all the quirks and presentation of myself. I did become like a robot for some time, yet it was part of this process of initially giving ‘death’ to who I was.

The more we limit ourselves, the more we cage ourselves in a particular mindset. The more we become introverted – and dare I say selfish in terms of not being able to look at other people’s worlds/ realities – the more we deny ourselves the ability to get to know someone from the starting point of realizing how everything that we’ve imposed as categories/ types of people toward one another, have only been part of the systems that have ensured that we remain secluded in a particular ‘group of people’ with similar views, with similar tastes, even similar socioeconomical status only apparently ‘evolving’ within that small view/perception and realm within this world.

“Earth is like a giant painting where we have neglected most parts and just focus on tiny portions of the painting and make only those spots look pretty – everything else gets ignored” –Andrew Gable

It’s fascinating that we believe ourselves to be ‘losing’ something when in fact, getting rid of such limitations is expanding, it is mingling in this reality as others and getting to see how it is that I can only consider myself as ‘different’ to another at a mind level. The essence of who we are is the same  at a physical level, and it is then how through this process I’ve come to stop much of the judgment I held toward particular people, wanting ‘nothing to do’ with some others and still, I’m walking the process and reminding myself that I cannot judge another because I am judging myself, as simple as that.

My perspective on life, myself and others has had a major overhaul to be able to see how it is that whenever I see myself saying: ‘I would never do that’ – obviously in common-sense points, I am in fact defending my own credo wherein I am acting from a prefab version of ‘who/ what I am’ according to and based upon the knowledge and information that I’ve decided to “live” as myself in the past.

‎”Ego is a projected energy self based in polarities of good and bad, love and hate that is confused by the movement of the energy of the polarity and believes that it is the energy. When the energy ends, the ego ends and with it love and hate. This world , although physically dependent on energy, is not best served with an outside illusionary entity that pretends to be life” – Bernard Poolman

We can see how that outside illusionary entity that existed as myself as all of these polarities lying on the boldness of good/ evil, can in fact be stopped and not supported any longer by myself. The projection as the show that I was putting on as the character that I had become, had to have a major turn off so that I could start seeing what I had become, what was the motivation of every single thing that I said, why I said it, how I said it and so forth with everything I did, say, do, communicate about, etc. My ego as the self-created persona became almost ‘ unbearable’ for me to witness every time that I would speak almost in an automated way  – which still does happen from time to time  if I am not enough HERE as breath. At some point I would go into this sense of recrimination for having spoken just out of the automated version of myself as that ego, it’s like the memory that plays out automatically/ by default whenever I am not here as breath, it became very obvious to spot these situations because it almost feels ‘icky’ in the moment.

Thus the importance of focusing on breath as the actual energizing process that keeps our ‘power’ in place at a physical level, instead of giving all our focus and attention to ourselves as a personality, keeping up that entity that we’ve called ‘who we are’ and ‘how we live.’ As long as we are possessed by our own mind we haven’t in fact ever lived, we can only be existing here as breath as life in every moment when we are not existing in any ‘pole’ to create friction generating energy for the mind to keep running and going back and forth between poles.

What purpose does that mind serve? Nothing else but our own interest in separation of common sense = what’s best for all. That’s how living as an ego of the mind, as a certain personality is in fact living in dishonesty because within such frame of mind, we’re not considering what’s best for all, we’re not even aware of our full potential, because of existing in the mind as certain recurring thoughts, memories and patterns, having a limited version of ourselves to live by in every moment, just so that we’re able to ‘stick to our protocol,’ stick to what ‘suits our image.’  It’s like having a computer and having all of these full suites to work with – yet because we’ve become so used to only working with one single program, we stick to it because it’s ‘known,’  it’s become ‘comfortable’ with its own limitations. We then justify and create excuses to not go and explore the array of possibilities that are also existing here in our Operating System because that would imply stepping into the ‘unknown’ and getting out of our self-imposed bounds wherein we would think we’re ‘getting out of character.’

It’s like when being in a cage for too long, long enough to then get scared or freak out the moment that the door is open and we are able to simply walk out of it. It’s fascinating how the mind operates from this perspective, ensuring that we keep us limited as this personality just because of fear and in the name of survival, as that which becomes ‘reliable’ to live by, becomes our religion. If it works – even if it has its major flaws or absolute lack of common sense – we accept it as a fact and we make sure that we stick to it, otherwise it is like ‘disrespecting ourselves’ in some way. At least that’s how I would see it, even with petty examples like ‘not listening to this/ that type of music because it doesn’t suit my personality’ and within that, having limited myself from listening to various types of music at some point, just because of it not being in accordance to the entire mood-set that I had created for myself to live by every day for quite some time in my  life.

Ludicrous, and I then dared to judge Christianity/ the catholic church  so vehemently, never daring to see how I had created this self-religion and the ‘Marlen Church’ as the entire ritual that I created of my day to day living, how I would live every moment ensuring that I would stick to the  image I CULTivated of myself, so that I could be able  to kind of ‘be proud of myself’ and  get a kick out of my creation as this ‘ego’ sticking out in the world.

Becoming self honest is the process of becoming aware of what is really here as the physical world. Self honesty is the opening of the eyes to really see reality and to identify what of reality requires change to what is best for all life. Bernard Poolman

I shifted my eyes to look at the physical reality that I was. I started getting rid of everything that I would put on, wear and mask myself with because I started seeing the deceptive starting point for everything I’d say, do, think… I cannot deny that I would feel like going crazy at times – yes I dubbed that by saying in a video ‘it’s weird at times’ but it was actually a process of seeing this self image just requiring to be demolished, so that I could finally step out of it while applying Self Forgiveness for the extensive fear of loss that I would experience when having to get rid of something, when having to let go of a self-definition that I had deemed as ‘positive’ within myself.

All love and hate aspects within me had to be self forgiven even when still having the perception that ‘I was right in disliking/ judging this/ that,’ all the perceived treats and advantages that I had, all the good and the bad had to be placed on the table to see and realize that if I am here to create myself, this will be done from scratch, having no particular holds on to something that I regard as ‘nice’ or ‘unable to let go of.’ Oh man, that ‘death’ is what we all have to take on as it is in fact the process of liberation from such ego that is then walked as the entire process of Self Honesty. I mean, I’m  definitely not ‘done,’ it is an ongoing process that I am in at the point of self-creation wherein the moment that I let go of points, I have to now correct myself and make sure I fill in the gaps of such programming with self—supportive commandos so to speak. That’s then how we create not an ‘entity’ in separation of myself as a ‘better version’ or an ‘upgraded version,’ but as an actual being that is here in simplicity living in common sense, moving myself to create and establish what’s best for myself as what’s best for all.

This is the simplest way we can look at this process. I’ll add another point mentioned by Bernard as well: “Self Honesty is nor nice or beautiful” which is what got me to realize that facing myself, facing my religion was going to be a process wherein I would want to hide beneath that table again, yet only realizing that I could hide there for a limited amount of time until I realized that mindfucks are not able to be sustained that long until we start getting bored and fed up with our usual mind bs, which is actually how I discovered that expanding myself and letting go of this limitations, was the actual ‘freedom’ that I had sought and that I was eager to experience as myself.

Right now we realize that it doesn’t matter how ‘liberated’ one can get at an individual level, None is Free until ALL is Free and within this, we are here to establish a system that will enable ALL Beings to stand equal to the realization that I am sharing here as myself, as who and what we all can become when standing as Equals in a world where everyone is supported As LIFE, so that we can start living and exploring what actual Self Expression is in Equality.

 The Fool is the beginning of Process – the Tower and Death is when we let go of this veneer as our ego – we then walk the process  until we embrace the entire world as who we really are within standing as the principle that Life is: Equality and Oneness.

We’re already walking it, we are here and  you can walk along as well if you see that this makes sense in terms of getting rid of all religions and self-religions to finally be vulnerable and ready to mingle with everyone else in Equality.

http://www.desteni.org

http://www.equalmoney.org

 


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