Tag Archives: planning

June 13, 2017

573. What is Right? What is Wrong?

By Marlen

Or transforming morality into a practical assessment of what’s here for me to live, decide and act on as my creative authority

What does seeing through what is apparently ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ mean? How to step out of the morality construct that I’ve been limiting myself with? This all starts with the simplicity of judging certain things as right or good and some others as bad or wrong. Who decides what these are? I do. And I know, morality is such a big word and it has shaped a lot of who we are as human beings, partly because of religious constructs that were built to create fear, control and in a way yes, regulate some of the most harmful and abusive ways that we have as human beings. However, as much as it could have served a purpose throughout our past, we can definitely start evolving into a form of self-direction, self-authority, self-forgiveness and self-responsible change that doesn’t require an idea of heaven, a reward, a judgment, a punishment or fear to drive our change of actions other than doing it for ourselves, because ‘I matter’ because ‘we matter’ to each other and in what we create in our reality.

So, even if I could have said before ‘I am not a religious person’ ehm ehm, well, the moment that I am judging something as the ‘right thing to do’ or ‘good’ and ‘benevolent’ proves that I create a religion, a set of beliefs within me where I guide what I do based on an idea, a belief, a creed of sorts that I immediately come up with, without giving a second thought to consider practical reality. So morality comes in the same of that ‘immediate thought’ of ‘that’s wrong! That’s bad!’ or immediately jumping into defining something as ‘good’ or ‘benevolent’ and feel an upliftment about it based on an idea of what it represents in my head.

However, these are only ideas as judgments, they are all aspects or parts of myself that I’ve come to be so used to judge as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, constantly assessing and analyzing what I should or should not do within a value-system created through morality as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’

Ultimately morality is a construct of fear and control used throughout a phase or time in our lives as human beings where we didn’t develop ways to develop our responsibility as creators of reality, and so had to be ‘managed’ through fear, though ideas of burning hells and punishment – lol – just look at religion and realize the fear, the suffering, the punishment, the bliss, the heavenly pleasures embedded to ‘moral constructs’ of right and wrong, good and evil.

 

Well, I can definitely see how much I have limited myself within such mentality, which is linked to the whole construct I’ve been opening up recently of being ‘morally upright’ and ‘virtuous’ and ‘being an example’ and all of these words that I turned into another personality or ‘frame of mind’ through which I was at the same time judging, discriminating and eventually fearing doing, acting, thinking or considering certain things because of deeming them as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or standing as the opposite of what I wanted to ‘show’ of myself or believe that I simply ‘should’ stick to the ‘good side’ of things. But, who defines what these limits are? I do and not in a very practical manner, but based on ideas, beliefs, fears, judgments, coming from social conventions, from religious dogmas, from fears.

But again, I am the only one in my head creating these limitations as ‘right or wrong,’ I am the only one doing this to me at a thought level where many times I’ve even refrained myself from ‘trying something out’ because of still seeing myself, my reality, my actions through these eyes of ‘what is right or wrong,’ and in a way ignoring or not seeing how that judgment of ‘that is wrong,’ or ‘I’m not going to do that because it’s not right’ is a limitation, mostly stemming from a social construct, a belief, an accepted limitation at a judgment level that I then turn into a real obstacle for me to not take the steps and ‘dare’ to do something or change something or test something out, step into the unknown which to me is a first step for actual change most of the times, if not all the time.  

This is where I want to look at what would be a practical way to, in every moment, stop referring to my old-age morality of ‘what is right and wrong’ and transgress my own limitations by doing a simple and ‘on the spot’ assessment of what is right for me in a moment, which is not about a belief or idea of it being’ right’ in fact, but more turning this into a looking, a seeing, an observing within a functional context, such as considering ‘what works for me in this moment? What is practical for me to do? What am I capable of doing or conducting in this moment? Am I willing and able to walk through this decision with its consequences, outflows and outcomes whichever way they might be?

Now here I am placing the responsibility entirely on myself, within a reality context that will have real consequences, real creations – rather than going into my mind and limiting myself based on an idea, belief or construct of ‘what is right or wrong to do’ in any given situation, which I consider is a functional foundation for self-creation, being ‘playful’ with creation and taking that necessary initial ‘leap’ that any form of change implies, while doing a quick assessment of what one can live with in terms of the effects, consequences and outcomes of such moment’s decision and actions.

Within this I realize how much I have limited myself in what I do based on this ‘idea’ of myself as a certain kind of person that ‘only talks about certain kind of topics,’ that is supposed to ‘always act/behave in a certain manner’ and all of these ideas of myself hide a wide array of constructs of why it is ‘right’ for me to do, say, act or belief certain things and why it would be ‘wrong’ for me to do something outside of what I believe I am only able or capable or ‘suitable’ to think, say and do.

Now, this isn’t about libertinage in the sense of giving a ‘free reign’ to ‘whatever I want to do’ in a rather foolish extremism of ‘there’s no more right and wrong therefore anything goes!’ where for example harm or abuse is conducted to myself or others – nope. Morality is definitely not the same as considering reality principles, such as ‘every action has a reaction or consequence’, considering doing onto others what I’d like others to do onto myself and others, to consider the responsibility of my actions and inactions, to live and give to others what I’d like others to consider giving to themselves and others as well as co-creators in this world… Now these are very ‘broad’ statements, but to me it speaks more about considering what I am willing to ‘live with’ in making decisions, in taking the steps to create something in my reality that I can now assess based on practical matters, considering the consequences, the practical outflows and potentials of what I can walk with, what I can learn from it, the purpose, the intent, the words I can live in deciding to do something – rather than only seeing it through a very limited – and usually instant – scope of ‘what’s right to do’ and what’s ‘wrong to do’ in my head, where no reality or practical considerations are taken into account.

I consider that it’s much more practical to make informed decisions, make a practical plan and see potential outcomes to then see what is the ‘right’ path or decision for me to take according to that context, that moment in time, my life, my experience, my moment – which cannot be defined by any ‘set in stone’ ideas of what is right or wrong – every decision, moment, path is unique in itself, according to each person, each context, in a moment of each one’s life and so what is ‘right’ for me to do is to consider what’s practical, what can work, what I am willing to walk through and live the results thereof, live with the consequences and at the same time, very important: be ok with making mistakes, not judging myself, but rather being able to trust my assessment in that one moment, being able to trust myself in being fully present in that moment of making such decision and ‘staying true to myself,’ whichever this ‘truth’ might be for me at the time/context and standing by my creative authority, taking the risks, taking the steps to do it and consider the responsibility it entails, which to me is part of an active process of change considering that we are mostly keeping ourselves in our seemingly ‘safe spots’ because of all the fears we got to actually take the steps into the unknown, which is usually what we have denied ourselves from doing because of deeming it as ‘not for us’ or ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or seeing ourselves as ‘unfit’ or ‘incapable’ for something…. But who defines that? Who decides that? We do, therefore we can turn the tables and take the steps to challenge our self-imposed limitations, within the realm of reality and consequences.

The practical process for me here is in the context of transcending and transforming this morality construct: whenever I see myself considering that I should ‘not’ do something because of referencing back to ideas, beliefs of perceptions of ‘who I am and should be’ at my eyes and the eyes of others, I have to stop myself and rather assess it in the form of ‘Am I willing to live with the outflow/consequence or result of taking this/that path or decision and live it in every step of the way?’ ‘Am I willing to walk this decision in this moment and take responsibility for the result as my creation?’

And this doesn’t even imply a ‘beginning or end’ or ‘sticking to something just because I decided to do so’ because who knows? Sometimes we will find right at the start or half-way through the process that what seemed ‘the right way’ when we made the decision ended up not being ‘the right way’ and so give ourselves again that creative authority to change our mind, to change our direction and find another path for us, decide on what’s the ‘right way’ to go in that moment which is more like saying ‘what can work better’ or what can function better now that I know that what seemed ‘right’ turned out to not be the way, turned to be the ‘wrong way’ for me in this moment – and again! Just for that moment, because: who knows? We might find it suitable in another time in our lives – instead of for example beating us down and bashing ourselves for ‘taking the wrong path’ or ‘making mistakes’ because that’s again morality construct speaking, not creative authority.

I’ve definitely lived for so long believing that I had to keep myself ‘on the right path’ all the time, which led me to then deliberately test going to the ‘opposite pole’ in an attempt to ‘transcend my limitations’ or ‘transcend morality’ but this is not about going to extremes, but about practical self-responsible assessment of what I’m willing to do and live with in every moment of my actions or inactions, and walk it through, keeping an awareness of what I’m doing, creating, and even if I ‘lose track of myself’ at times, be ok with it, knowing again that I got myself, my reference points as principles and going again at it, living.

This is where I disengage the ‘notion’ of living as ‘doing the right thing’ all the time, and instead learn to live life as the plethora of experiences that one walks through in it, without judgment, without fear. Sounds really nice and easy, but it actually entails to me in every moment that I see a limitation coming up in the form of right/wrong or fears and judgments, I have to stop myself and rather ask myself what am I willing to do, live with and walk with within this decision? Am I able to develop and learn and walk what it takes to do this? And then that becomes a more dynamic approach to life where I can let go of ‘what ifs’ and ‘fears’ that I have stifled myself with for so long.

Now again, it’s easily said, but the proof is in the pudding, so this is just the story board of the actions to take from now on in my life to see what works, what doesn’t work, testing things out, considering common sense, considering what’s best for all in practical terms of my reality, the impact of my creation, my words, my actions on myself and others – and that’s quite a physical process to take into consideration.

Ok, that’s it for now. Thanks for reading.

 

 

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April 14, 2014

390. Making Decisions Based on Feelings, Not Facts

By Marlen

 

Continuing from:

Quote from “The Love/Hate Relationship with Art” entry: The point is I tried to make My definition of Art fit with what would enable me to use it to demonstrate that it is possible to change the world. However I realized that no matter how many images I make, how many pictures I take, how many great ideas I would have I was entirely mostly having an imaginative outflow of how this could operate without ever really landing it into any serious/real project. I always kept everything at a low-fi level because right after the first year in Art school, I discovered Desteni and my interests veered dramatically – hence the ‘shutting down’ of any pursue to further my career to make a name of myself etc..

 

Patterns:

1. The idea of Art as an instrument to “Change the World.” Suiting something according to my interests, to justify my ends in order to cover up another self-definition I am wanting to hold on to – in this case wanting to make the definition of art suit my current interests so that I’m able to say that ‘I’m still doing a form of art, even if it’s not conventional,’ without realizing that it’s merely a definition in itself and that as such, I have to stop making this definition suit my interest around art, and merely see the actions/deeds for what they are and imply.

2. Expecting something to ‘happen to me’, someone to ‘save me,’ someone to ‘find me’ instead of me moving myself in order to make things happen, to become my own directive principle instead of hoping, waiting or fantasizing about the things that can happen ‘in the future.’

3. The idea that something outside of myself can ‘change the world’ in itself, in this case that I could ‘change the world’ through creating art, or that art should be used to demonstrate that we can change the world, when in fact this is once again delegating to something/someone the ability to change, without realizing that there can be many catalysts for change, practical presentations for it – but it will only ever work if we implement it, integrate it, live it and become it ourselves and by ‘change’ I mean becoming an individual that takes responsibility for our creation, that learn how to coexist with everyone else as equals and as such participates to create a world where everyone is supported to live in dignity. Where does that begin? Within self only. A system, a structure can support and promote the change, but it is about each one of us integrating such change within ourselves to make it real. Therefore ‘art’ in itself cannot change the world, only we can one by one.

4. Giving up on something based on seeing ‘no result’ in a short period of time, without taking into consideration that everything in this world and reality requires actual work, time, dedication, constancy and consistency as well as patience to have something be developed in order to give fruition. So giving up on something/someone based on not getting any ‘quick results’ is rather a mechanism of self-sabotage where I am expecting things to work ‘instantaneously’ instead of considering a plan, a structure, the practical steps and timeframes, methods and ways to make something function/work to give the expected results. This means: no wishful thinking.

5. Blaming something/someone for sidetracking from my initial purposes, I have realized how we usually blame something/someone in order to not recognize our sole responsibility to our decisions, words, thoughts and deeds.

6. Making decisions in my life based on emotions and feelings, wishful thinking, desires and fantasies –  mostly going for what ‘feels good’ and avoiding what according to my ego/personalities felt ‘not right’/ ‘not good’ – instead of considering the actual physical space-time planning, structure, steps, time and consequences of the decisions

 

Nada -05

 

 

Self Forgiveness on these patterns:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape a definition of ‘art’ that would suit my personal interests of wanting it to be the ‘tool to change the world’ without realizing that in this equation I was separating myself from such change and only considering that ‘art’ had to be that ‘for me,’ and because I didn’t see results this way in the short-run then I gave it up completely, without realizing that this is a usual pattern wherein I expect things to ‘do something for me’ instead of me being the directive principle within everything that I do – as such it makes sense that a single image, or drawing or video or else can do the ‘change’ process in itself, and as such it is only a tool that can support with the realization and recognition of change that I have to still conduct, apply, live within myself as everyone else as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this definition of art as the quote by Ernst Fischer that also later on I had a ‘fuck it they’ve done it all first’ moment when seeing that in the beginning of the Zeitgeist movie they used this quote that I was cherishing as ‘the foundation’ for my ‘art project’ in itself which is the quote from his book ‘The Necessity of Art’

“In a decaying society, art, if it is truthful, must also reflect decay. And unless it wants to break faith with its social function, art must show the world as changeable. And help to change it”

And with this, believe that I had to always s stick to these definitions, quotes and theories to justify what I wanted to do with my life as an ‘agent of social change’ and still ‘stick’ to my career, just because of the fear of being seen as a ‘dropout’ or someone that didn’t follow-through with art-creation, which is all based on the beliefs and expectations that I believed people had created upon me, because the career is definitely one that I chose for social-recognition upon something that I considered I was ‘special’ within – therefore the whole conflict of having to justify what I do within an artistic context, without realizing that if we look at it beyond definitions, the process of change and being the example of what it means to change is what I am doing and what I’ve decided to do with my life in function of creating a better world, to establish living principles of creation where there exist barely non at the moment, and as such once again using ‘artistic creations’ and creativity as tools with which to do this, without forgetting that I do not require to justify what I do within an artistic concept for the sake of ‘sticking to my career-choice’ as an idea of ‘who I am.’

I realize that instead I can share how I can apply these principles to what I do/ who I am and the practical ways in which I’ve realized we can conduct this change in our decaying society – whoever I commit myself to no longer wanting to justify what I do within this imperative need to make of my life and my decisions as ‘still’ artistic or part of my career choice, as that single theoretical link that I’m attempting to create is what re-enacts the relationship conflict in relation to me and the studies I took on, without realizing that what really matters is not a tag, a name, a definition but how these principles are lived and applied in real-practical living.

Another pattern is ‘giving up’ on something if it doesn’t satisfy my expectations and not putting it all the effort to make it work, because in the mind I always expect quantum results and having immediate effect of my expectations in this case and example, the entire intent behind everything that I would do as an ‘artistic creation/ project’ was to ‘fit in’ my own desires to make my inner process ‘artistic’ as well, and it can be done and for sure it’s even compatible – though the point here is to point out how within this starting point, I was once wanting the ‘artwork’ to do its effect by itself, and kind of hoping that someone would just ‘notice it’ and make me famous type of ideals, which is really unrealistic because nothing in physical reality really works that way

And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint a form of hope and ‘waiting’ with myself and my career, my ‘art’ because I was kind of expecting that someone would knock on my door and discover my creations and make me famous type of ideal and unreality. And this is what I see I had built also around my own ‘career choice,’ wherein I had not defined a plan for my future in fact, but just kind of getting myself into the art world and having something/someone come to me or happen to me that would ‘lead me’ to become successful at it, so there was a lot of wishful thinking, positive thinking involved in wanting this to materialize ‘by itself,’ kind of only having ‘the work do its work,’ which is certainly not how reality works and as such

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up on my creative skills because of not seeing ‘any results,’ which is the pattern of giving up on something if not getting the expected results right away in turn, which is what happens when I do not consider the actual effort, the actual process of making something work, something be successful, any enterprise that I embark myself on and not expect it to be ‘successful’ right away, but rather work within the accumulation principle wherein the amount of time, work and effort invested onto a business/ an enterprise or anything that I have committed myself to do, is not going to be ‘minimal’ or ‘very little’ as in this reality everything takes time, effort, patience, constancy, consistency, developing further skills, developing further relationships and all of this implies that what I attempted to do with my life and my wishful thinking about my artistic career was not founded upon physical, practical planning and considerations but that I absolutely just ‘jumped into the boat’ because it sounded great and it satisfied my intentions back then when I made the decision to study art – so within this,

I realize that when we make decisions based on emotions/feelings and dreams, it will most likely be crashing down on the pavement back to reality because it was all a temporary foam that I created in my mind as ‘my future,’ without any real consideration of the work, the time, the money, the people, the places, the relationships, the materials, the skills or anything of that, but only wanting to kind of have something/someone ‘make me famous’ or ‘make me successful,’ which is no different to how we as human beings tend to be hoping and waiting that something/someone will come to save us, just because we haven’t yet realized or learned that we can only make things happen if we move within it, if we invest the time, money, effort, patience, consistency that goes with making any plan, any enterprise work.

Further support for business and non-business people on this point: Time = Money – The Soul of Money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind covertly ‘blame process’ for me not having followed through with my career, without realizing that such ‘blame’ is in fact looking at the actual regret and realizing the nature of the decisions I made in my life, wherein instead of taking absolute responsibility for my life and realizing the lack of practical planning and decision making processes that I had to make, I instead realized the flimsy planning – if any – I had created for me and my life and as such only finished school for the sake of ‘finishing it’ but my ‘heart’ as they say was not into it any longer, because I realized the expectations, dreams and ideals that I entered to school with, which all came ‘tumbling down’ when realizing the reality that I had missed in my decisions – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself in this extreme of going from the absolute experience of being ‘into my career’ and giving it the most to giving it the minimum required based on the realization of my intentions behind studying art, and here instead of just forgiving myself for that and being able to walk through it without reactions, I slowly but surely built a certain experience of overall ‘regret’ about it which is how the love-hate relationship was formed. It all happened in my mind based on the positive experience I had imprinted to the idea of studying art/becoming an artist and how when realizing such positive-feelings and imaginations and hoping and dreaming about what I could do in art, I went into the polarity opposite of deeming it as something negative/bad/superficial instead of just realizing what I had done, take self responsibility for it which in a way I did in relation to finishing studies, but within myself as well wherein I am able to stand sound with understanding the context of my past decisions, walk through the consequence without imprinting ‘the consequence’ with negative experiences, as that is where the whole inner conflict was created – and yes, it is quite unnecessary when it is just a matter of walking physical moments, experiences, processes that require my participation and direction and that’s it.

I realize that what’s done is done and as such the only gift I can give to myself is being able to prevent me from once again making decisions in my life based on ‘how I feel’ about something or someone, and instead learn from the ‘mistakes’ so to speak in order to learn how to take into consideration physical reality, practical planning, realistic considerations and of course in such ‘career decision’ processes, look at the practicality of where I can employ myself and genuinely develop a financial stability with it, because I of course now realize that I could have done it differently if my decision was to remain doing artwork, it was about investing a lot of time to it, which is what I had initially planned to do – but of course, after realizing the actual practical process required in this world, my ‘decision making’ process was almost immediate when choosing to dedicate myself to walk this process that in turn I can apply into and within any other realm that I see is most practical to assist and support others to walk the same process.

I realize here that art once again can be a tool of support for this process that I’ve decided to walk – however I could not realistically see myself investing most of my time in developing certain skills that I knew I wasn’t going to be using any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a ‘fraud’ to the teachers and the people that supported me throughout my stance in art school and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed toward them because of believing that they invested their time ‘incorrectly’ and even the ‘spot’ I had in such important school could have been used by another person that genuinely wanted to be an artist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take me to see ‘the bright side’ as in ‘not everything is lost because I learned a lot from some of the books, teachers and interactions in school as well as the skills,’ which in part it is so, but here it is not to once again want to ‘white wash it’ and get a positive experience out of it –here I then see things for what they are, realizing that yes I probably won’t be making etchings and using all of those techniques I learned, however if my starting point of that is ‘wasting my time’ or ‘someone else’s time,’ then I also forgive myself as that comes within the idea that I took something from someone by attending that school, without realizing that I did want to be there, I did want to learn that and as such, because we cannot turn back time I simply walked through the whole educational process till the end and that’s it. I took responsibility for my choice and now I also take responsibility for my life wherein I recognize other ways in which I can direct myself to support myself and others within this process which is my purpose in life and ‘my life’ in itself, and as such whether what I do is deemed as artistic or creative or not, is not something that matters, as this is not about definitions or how actions and words are categorized, but instead how they are lived and applied.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to step into a career with the sole purpose and idea of ‘making a name’ for myself, to further my recognition ambitions for doing something that people would consider ‘great’ without realizing that in this, I was only spiting myself because I am the one that had to face the consequences of not properly planning my decisions in life, to make sound/physical and practical decisions and not just go for how ‘good’ it made feel and how ‘nice’ my imaginations were in relation to day-dreaming of being an artist and being famous, being recognized and having the ‘time of my life’ within the context of having money, be able to ‘change the world’ – according to my dreams – and at the same time be happy and feel ‘blessed’ as that is the kind of spiritual attitude I was into when I got into art school, quite imbued with spirituality and positive thinking which is why I also allowed myself to want to ‘attract’ success and not consider physical-doings like practical planning, assessing my skills and aptitudes etc. but only choose a career based on my ‘feeling’ of ‘being special/unique’ and having this apparent ‘gift’ to create something, without realizing that we are all capable of creating something and that me taking a decision within this delusion was most likely prone to generate consequences that I am walking through as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life in terms of choices, people, places, careers, what ‘I like’ or what makes me ‘feel special’ and what I accept in my life based on experience, based on what ‘felt good’ what felt ‘right’ according to my personalities, and veer off from that which didn’t satisfy my ego, my desire to be doing something ‘more creative’ based on how I defined ‘creativity’ on plastic arts mostly, which as I’ve walked is rather limiting if we only recognized our ability to create based on making ‘art works.’

Therefore, I realize that in my life I made many decisions based on feeling, on the experience, on the beliefs, on the expectations, on the dream-like state that I would usually fuel myself with in order to actually evade looking at the reality that I had considered was ‘too awful’ to face and to walk thoroughly as any other individual. Meaning that my decision to be ‘an artist’ was precisely to be ‘eccentric’ and to be ‘acceptable’ within such eccentricity meaning outside of the regular circles of society because of having a judgment toward ‘the system’ and ‘society’ as a whole based on seeing how politics, education systems, money works and the lack thereof, which is why upon facing this ‘insanity’ I kind of decided to make myself ‘insane’ as well as the ‘good reflection of society’ that I was planning to be and become, and so be able to ‘create’ from such image and likeness of the system. Hence the nature of self-destruction portrayed in what I created, even if I was not able to say ‘why’ I only see death and destruction mostly, sadness, depression and overall madness, which was just me trying to become that and do that to myself and the world to not face the responsibility to it, as it’s easier to ‘destroy’ than deconstruct, reconstruct and create something new and stable again.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize or ‘remember’ that my ‘initial intent’ of what I wanted to be and become in my life was in the very beginning before art was ‘in my life,’ to study a career that would make me have a lot of money and be able to ‘travel around the world’ – the usual ‘dreams’ that came with me initially wanting to become a financial advisor wherein I could use my ‘skills’ in a profitable manner. I also recognize that studying art was my way of apparently ‘spiting my parents/others’ that believed that I was going to study some ‘great and complicated career’ based on the supposed intelligence I had, wherein I realized that the only way to ‘turn the tables’ and not follow the pattern, was to study something wherein what I do wasn’t able to be graded with A’s for ‘being right’ but where I could challenge other skills and abilities that to my perception were not able to get ‘ratings,’ without realizing later on that they would still be rated in the same manner any other school work gets rated, which got me irate and furious the very first time that I considered I had placed ‘all my effort’ into something, for months on, working even in my supposed ‘leisure time’ with the attempt to get an A and I got a B and that was ‘heartbreaking’ for me because I was expecting my work to be recognized as ‘good.’ In this I realize that even if I wanted to supposedly ‘escape’ the grading system and the apparent skills I had by ‘studying art,’ I later on realized that art and the art world is no different to any other part of this system that we live in, wherein it is not this wonderland where system-laws don’t apply – and that is how I was able to also burst my own bubble of escapism when realizing that art was no different to any other part of this reality that is managed by ourselves, individuals and that it doesn’t really imply something entirely ‘different’ to any other career because it is still existent within the context of a world system where what you do is assessed and valued in order to be sold as a product so that one can have money to eat. And that makes it no different to any other career or profession – so even within this, I realized that there was no really a way ‘out’ of the system, which then became another reason to be disillusioned at ‘the art world,’ without realizing that any ‘disillusionment’ is really created based on the initial positive ideals that I had formed around it, which means: I did this all to myself and as such, it is not a ‘guilt trip’ now, as that would evade me from walking now the self-responsibility to my decisions and my life in itself and the decision making processes that I will now consider in practical and physical terms, not based on feelings/emotions and ideals.

 

Rumbos Inciertos 06

 

Suggest watching the following Desteni I Process Google Hangouts:

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