Tag Archives: positive experiences

487. The Origins of My Conditional Expression

Or how I defined my expression based on others’ reception instead of being my own starting point for and as it.

 

Sunday was ‘the origin’ day because in the morning as I shared on my last blog I was looking at the origins of ourselves in existence. And during the afternoon, I went to my parents’ house and we watched some of the home videos of the time when I was a very young girl, around 4-5 years old and I noticed that I as I was watching them, I started laughing almost hysterically about them all. The reason? In most of them I am dancing and impersonating any other pop star I was infatuated with at the time and it all seemed like very funny in how I was moving and expressing myself. But at the same time of being laughing about what I was watching, I noticed that there were other reactions because it did seem like I got into a mix of emotions/feelings – in essence energetic experiences – that I had not had in a long time and were triggered by watching myself as a young kid.

A part of what I could see is how every single move I was making was essentially me coping the people I Idolized at the time and so trying to move exactly as they did on TV which in a way was me wanting to be ‘like the people on TV’ and in no way was there a real expression coming through in me, but instead ‘camera time’ meant I had to put on a show and dance and ‘get the attention’, which was another proof and reminder of how we have tainted our unconditional expression based on copying others that we perceive as popular, as applauded by the people and in doing so, shaping who I wanted to be according to the usual standards of wanting to be an artist or someone famous someday, which I actually got to live through in my initial decision to study arts, quite predictably so I’d say which is how most of our lives function where we become what we’ve been exposed to and how none of our preferences or ways of expressing ourselves are in fact ‘our genuine expression’ because we start copying everything and everyone around us from a very young age.

When I was laughing at the same time there were emotions involved like sadness. I guess it was me going back to those years of perceived innocence and everything else that I came to be and do in my life later on when seeking for myself ‘out there’, seeking acceptance by others, seeking to be valued by others, seeking to be recognized by others – all of those patterns seemed to already be fueled from that very early age when I equated my self-value to ‘putting up a show’ essentially and very much based on performance – through dancing, through being a ‘good student’ in school, through exaggeration of movements and ways of expressing to get people’s attention or stand out from the crowd – yep, that’s been definitely a pattern from a very early age.

I noticed that my laughter while watching the whole time wasn’t a real expression, but instead entirely a way to cope with the moment and in fact suppressing and hiding a series of emotions I was actually confronting upon seeing through my eyes that ‘mini-me’ version doing things that I know – as much as I could have enjoyed myself doing it at the time – was very much copied and made as a display for others as well, which reveals a whole lot about a core programming within myself where a ‘showing off’ attitude became part of my personality in order to get attention, recognition, validation, specialness and all these points upon seeing how ingrained they were at such a young age in me, made me kind of sad because I ponder how I could have been without all that stimulation through music and particular singers, what would I have been more inclined to do if I had not been exposed all the time to the notion of imitating pop-stars and sing and dance in front of a camera all the time, get into a ‘high’ to do the show.

I got so defined by ‘doing the whole show’ in every major family reunion/party that I eventually got sick of it, stopped dancing altogether because I noticed how I became like a monkey-show for everyone that would simply start dancing with music playing, be ‘the center of attention ‘ for others that weren’t willing many times to do it themselves. It was a very programmed experience and I would enjoy the attention I would get – or so I thought. And I see how we program kids in general to become this sort of ‘show’ for the parents or adults in one way or another, which eventually as kids we integrate as a way to ‘make others happy’ or ‘make others value ourselves’ in a very conditioned and programmed way.

Of course, this is not to blame anyone for this, parents didn’t know any better either, society didn’t know any better, we didn’t know any better. All that I can do is recognize those ways in me now and see what I have accepted and allowed to ‘define me’ from a very  young age and from there, ensure that whenever I am expressing myself, it’s not to put up a show for someone or to create an experience in others, but entirely live it as myself, for myself, as an expression of me.

It’s interesting yet foreseeable that I ended up choosing a career where one makes things that are meant to be displayed and enjoyed by others, or at least that’s the way I used to look at it because art can also be made as a way of expression and that’s it, but invariably it gets to a circuit of receivers that will obtain an experience through it, will ‘interact’ with it in one way or another. And this leads to a self-compromise if the starting point is ‘doing things for others’ instead of doing so for oneself.

I can change something from now, for example, in how I interact with my niece and nephew to not recreate the patterns of only valuing them for the things that they do or create, but for who they are. I see the same programming in them coming through, a showing up in both the intellectual and the expression way, a ‘putting up a show’ for others at times in various ways which fascinatingly enough represent both of the aspects I came to define myself as – and I guess this is something we’ve all had and been through where we’re constantly seeing ourselves through the eyes of others, instead of being the origin of our expression ourselves.

I’ve also considered that I can assist my niece and nephew to understand these points and share my own realizations and experience and so learn to be themselves, to trust themselves, without seeking approval from others.

That whole Sunday situation of laughing hysterically interestingly enough showed me where I wasn’t really present but it was a mixture of emotions that I simply ‘laughed out’ in a very awkward way which fortunately my partner also noticed and said something along the lines of what I’ve shared here, how Kids are good at copying the expressions that they consider superior which was a grounding comment at the time so that I could precisely start seeing with a more objective pair of eyes – past the nostalgia type of experience – into the ‘who I was’ and have been throughout my life. He also didn’t get any fuzzy feelings about it, lol which is great and rarely does he do anyways, but constantly looks at things very objectively which is very supportive for me every time I seem to be getting too ‘aloof’ and above my ground in some kind of ecstatic or high experience, like with this hysterical laughter.

 

A suggestion then for parents, to not see kids as ‘show makers’ because one ends up creating a ‘hate-love’ relationship with expression in essence, compromising ourselves based on wanting to do it ‘for others’ and missing out ourselves in it all. I also see how a part of me that created that ‘love-hate’ relationship with Art I’ve been writing about throughout the years has to do with this self-definition of ‘who I am ‘based on ‘what I do’ and how that ‘what I do’ is received, qualified, valued by others. This is then the way in which I’ve conditioned myself ‘at the eyes of others’ and haven’t stood my ground to express as me, for me and in doing so being the very origin and end of my expression. That’s a definitive way in which I want to live for sure and if I can assist kids to understand this for themselves, that’s great too.

Interestingly enough, after this Sunday of hysterical laughter I had swollen tonsils which I remembered ‘tonsillitis’ means tons of light and had to look at this ‘enlightened self-interest’ aspect in me while watching the videos – because it came up right after watching that – and seeing how in fact I had gone into a ‘high’ of sorts with this laughter that at the same time was suppressing a lot of myself in it. And as I write this out and finally ‘digest it through’ I can feel my tonsils are getting a bit better…

So, here’s the self-forgiveness on these points which actually relate a lot to this ‘initial point of separation’ I talked about in my last blog and then I was able to see my very origins of that.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a very young age condition, program and mold myself to copy others’ expressions that I knew were popular, that I defined and perceived as superior or ‘more than me’ so that when recreating these expressions at home, I could get my parents’ and everyone’s expression of approval in order to create a positive experience through the attention, the ‘enjoyment’ that I could see in others, the ‘show’ I could put up in order to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ and in doing so believing that I could only be valued through constantly getting attention from others, being recognized by others and in doing so, programming myself to always ‘seek for approval’ or ‘acceptance’ in separation of myself – instead of acknowledging myself as my origin and end of self-expression: doing it for me as myself, without expectations.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as a child to believe that copying others that were ‘famous artists’ was a way for me to also be special, recognized, gain attention from people at home and in my family, wherein I believed that I had to constantly then ‘put up a show’ as in dance and sing and move around in exaggerated manners in order to keep that focus and attention on myself, which also at the same time hides the other polarity from ‘wanting to be noticed’ to ‘disliking or avoiding being ignored’ or taken as ‘any other person’ but constantly strive to be ‘special’ even if that means having to ‘put up a show’ every time – not realizing that in doing so I conditioned the entirety of ‘who I am’ based on seeking recognition and value ‘from others toward me’ instead of valuing me as myself, as life, as expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared to be ignored as a child where I could see myself putting some ‘extra effort’ in my moves when dancing or simply talking to others so that I could ‘retain’ their attention on me and value me as ‘being special’ for being able to ‘trigger’ positive experiences in others, which became a condition in me of wanting to constantly be ‘performing’ for others and so valuing who I am based on ‘what I do’ and how that is received by others, in order to be approved, accepted, value as ‘superior’ or ‘important’ or ‘more than others.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike being ignored wherein this pattern can still come up when not getting the response, the feedback, the appreciation that I seek from others wherein my entire value has been very much defined according to how others ‘interact with what I do/create/say/am’ within the starting point of ‘being for others’ instead of entirely being the origin and end of and for myself, because in this I understand that if I am the best for myself as an individual, invariably I also am the best for others, but this means not making ‘others’ as the reason or starting point for me to be and do, but place myself first and foremost as my origin, starting point and motivation for and as myself in everything I am and do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my expression through energy, in creating a positive high within myself that I would then try to also trigger or achieve creating in others and then equating others’ response as a proof that ‘my work’ would be successful, that I would be fulfilling a sort of purpose in life where I haven’t really been the origin and starting point of myself, as my expression, but instead have constantly sought an ‘energy kick’ with it, as a positive experience, a self-definition a ‘who I am’ as my expressions, my art, my moves, my body’s look, my intellect and all the things that I came to define myself by in order to make myself ‘special’ at the eyes of others, all of it fueled by the fear of not being noticed, being a wallflower, being rejected, being ignored which has given me a ‘bad or negative experience’ within me that I sought to avoid every single time by ‘pushing more’ to be outstanding, special, unique at my eyes and the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on ‘what I do’ instead of who I am in what I do, which means if who I am is genuinely me living as principles in oneness and equality, this in no way means I am being so ‘for others’ but I am the starting point of it all as myself, for myself, which at the same time becomes a by default example for others to consider doing for themselves, trusting ourselves in who we are and what we do and for once and for all take ‘others’ eyes’ off of our minds whenever we are doing, living, expressing and learn what it is to stand on our ground as unconditional self-expression, without expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having conditioned myself to motivate me to move, express and create based on how much I would get ‘from others’ as attention, appreciation, value of superiority, a sense of specialness, a sense of ‘giving to others a good time’ when in fact I can still express and live and do for myself and share myself with others without an expectation, without seeking approval, without having to ‘out-do’ anything or anyone or ‘excelling’ at something for the sake of a point of self-image, but instead entirely do it as my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have conditioned myself to be a ‘performer’ of sorts where I molded my expression to constantly create a ‘good impression’ on others in order to be liked, accepted, valued, considered special which was all motivated by fear of being ignored, being ‘the odd one’, not being ‘as good as’ and for example this stands in relation to my sisters and how as a young child I saw them as ‘the ever present shadows’ that I had to overcome, which led me to also become ‘the rebel’ in the family and part ways in many ideas, ways of presenting ourselves and actions in order for me to keep having my own ‘niche’ as my own ‘unique expression’ that would ‘stand out’ still as a self-definition of uniqueness, specialness, importance of sorts – instead of realizing that I simply became the polar opposite in order to not have to be ‘competing’ with them in their own ways, but ‘create my own standards’ in which I could ‘rule’ and not have anyone ‘near me’ that I could be compared to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I constantly have to ‘present’ myself in a particular way towards others in order to create good impressions and in this it’s not like I don’t have to ‘care at all’ either, but it is a matter of shifting the starting point of what I do and who I am, from doing it ‘for others’ or ‘at others’ to doing it as myself, as an expression of who I am, regardless of how it is perceived by others – of course doing so as an expression of common sense, meaning without ‘antagonisms’ or ‘excesses’ that would still be an expression of ego.

In this, If I am standing for what’s best for all and oneness and equality, the moment that I live this as myself, for myself, I am at the same time living a potential that we all have as ourselves as life and that is far more empowering because then we are not dependent on others ‘to be’ or ‘express’ but we just are, live and do, be the best versions of ourselves as a personal decision and principle.

This then can be a solution for many ways and forms of separation that we’ve created when we see ourselves through the eyes of others, when we believe that we can be ‘superior or inferior’ to others, where we believe that some people are ‘special’ and some are not, when all that in fact defines us is who we are as ourselves, for ourselves, what we do or don’t do in every moment in our thoughts, words and deeds as our expression, which yes inevitably ends up being part of everyone else’s life at the same time.

Therefore if we are the best that we can for ourselves as individuals, then one by one we will stand in that genuine individuality that can exist and flourish in equality at the same time, no more playing games of competition, rivalry, values based on appearance, personalities and the rest of the ‘system values of performance’ but instead, we will be creating the kind of human beings that live and express as life, as who everyone is and can be if we all live this process of self-awareness and self-creation in equality and oneness.

The word to live here is Independence and Self Trust in expression, it’s about standing as my expression as my decision, for myself, uncompromised yet common sensical, supportive, to nurture myself, to expand myself beyond values, positive or negative experiences or triggering experiences in others. This is beyond definition, yet in consideration of what’s best for myself and so all in equality.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

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