Tag Archives: postponement

188.Con-Sequence

Consequences of ProcrastinationWriting 

The manifested consequence of our creation is what we learn to face within this process  – and one would common sensically consider that because of knowing/ being aware of the potential harm, disruption, loss of integrity when deliberately participating in any thought, word and deed that we ‘know’ is not what best for all, we simply would stop doing it and stop the harm and self-abuse. Well, who we are as the mind is anything but common sensical or ‘sane’ within the logical sense of what sanity should be as a state of equilibrium at an organic/body and mind level. We are anything but that. While reading one of Heaven’s Journey to Life blogs I remember leaving a comment how I was a bit shocked when realizing that we Know what we are doing to ourselves, such as consuming our very life substance in order to create energetic experiences – yet we continue, yet we keep doing it even though the explanation is here on a golden platter for us to stand up and change.

I saw within myself also how the points that I’ve been able to definitely quit and stop and support myself to face the ‘withdrawal’ of were aspects wherein I made a firm decision to change. The moment I do not make this definitive decision, I know beforehand that I will use an excuse to not-change and kind of sneak in the pattern that I am ‘trying to stop’ because in the ‘trying’ there is no definitive action taken to decisively stop something. How on Earth have we managed to fool ourselves? To actually be abusing our lives, our living opportunities of expansion and growth even within the current ‘constrains’ of the system we live in, and simply allow ourselves to be ruled by apathy, by uselessness, by the sheer decision to ‘do it later’ which implies already deciding to do something else that sounds better to me than actually pushing myself to expand my current accepted and allowed automated response to only ‘go for’ that which sounds nice, enticing, comfortable, cozy even within my mind.

 

Now, the consequences… this is the part we really don’t want to face because it is all obviously to our own detriment and within the character walked so far, I realize the piece of self-sabotage masterpiece this has been.  I have also realized that I cannot victimize myself, make excuses, try to explain why I didn’t do it in a way that would sound ‘good’ at the ears of others – nope, I can’t like and all I have been able to say is ‘I have no excuse for that’ and even that sounds like cynicism based on me obviously having judged people in the past that would ‘blatantly’ accept their mistakes and faults and have  ‘nothing else to say’ because apparently, an excuse or justification would ‘soothe the consequence’ in some way, which is always stemming from this inherent human-mind desire of keeping ourselves on the ‘positive score’ of the game, even if everything goes to hell today we rather say ‘oh, but, you know, we did our best, we did everything we could, there was no way to change this’ – and cross our arms and hope to die probably.

Well, that which I see could happen at a global scale in terms of the procrastination we are accepting and allowing to sort out this world, the same I can see in the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points that I have procrastinated, deliberately ignoring the consequences and effect that this single point that I accepted and allowed to leave behind created as an effect in my overall beingness wherein it is rather difficult to pretend that everything is fine when there’s this corpse you’re dragging behind you and stinking every day a little bit more every time.

The consequences are both at a physical reality level and within my own ‘stance’ as a living being, because as we’ve explained before: if the sun refused to shine and postpone it’s glow today, life on Earth would not be possible, if the oxygen decided to withdraw itself from the atmosphere, take some ‘time out’ and come back in a week or so after a run through the universe, would life still be possible? No – and these are all obvious hypothetical points because it is simply not common sense to even conceive that a physical constancy in our world would procrastinate its function – the same applies to our physical body.

 

So, I see, realize and understand that every single judgment I had toward anything else not being fully applied and determined to change within others, must be absolutely reverted for me to face my own deliberate procrastination even though realizing and knowing/ being aware of the consequences. In my mind, it doesn’t make sense obviously to do something that will not be producing energy for it to create an experience about the moments that I am working on something – and this is precisely the ‘withdrawal’ process I see I have to face here – it’s going ‘better’ in terms of being able to spot the moments, however unless a definitive decision is made to stop walking the middle path, nothing will absolutely change/ be corrected.

 

I see and realize that within giving up on a single point and trying to hide/ suppress the actual experience toward it, it simply compounds until it becomes a literal burden on your back – so, this has been cool in order to spot the anxiety in relation to this, which would be automatically coming up in the seemingly unnoticeable moments wherein I would have the least ‘reminder’ of this point that I have to do – however since I’ve been actually working on it, the ‘benefit’ of this is also re-establishing myself as my directive principle which is one of the other dimensions of consequences that emerge when procrastinating: we stop existing as that immovable force that is able to ‘walk through it all’ simply because of allowing ourselves to be diminished and create an entire detrimental experience within one single point that we Know we are not ‘sorting out’ in our reality.

We cannot blame either, that’s just a be-lame act in order to not take responsibility for our actions, and I have walked that as well as it came through while walking all the other dimensions to this procrastination character that you can read from the first day here:
162. Either Do it or DIE

So, my suggestion within this is to give ourselves the necessary direction to commit ourselves to do and act and give direction to that which we have committed ourselves to be and do, to stop generating unnecessary consequences as I see and realize that it is Not required for us to go through hell and back to learn a lesson, that’s just white-light-dovey crap like the ‘paths of the soul’ for us to accept our own self-abuse as a ‘living lesson’ – No fucking way.

Within stopping the first moment wherein we see ourselves wanting to procrastinate, we are able to stop the entire sequence of events generated as a result of our own con wherein we opt for the ‘feel good’ experience instead of doing and working on that which we are aware must be directed and done.

 

Till Here No Further

Feelings and Procrastination

 

”More perspective on the points of feelings is that one tend to procrastinate because you feel good. But interestingly enough you have created those feel good feelings through your resonances through time so that you can trap yourselves so you never have to do anything. Because in-fact you are in constant fear and the only way that you don’t have to face your fear – which is everybody else in this world and the world system – is to create a feel good situation where you can justify why you are powerless and helpless to do anything about the situation in the world and that is how you delude yourself and deceive yourself to never actually take action and to accept the world the way it is, through happiness, feel good little feelings.
And obviously the world system in terms of money, and all the days like ‘Christmas’ and ‘Father’s day’ and ‘Mother’s day’ – all those kind of stuff is supporting your self delusions in keeping you trapped in it. And all the parent’s are teaching their children exactly the same traps so that they can feel good and even say, ‘I mean how dare you, let the child at least live and feel good while they’re alive’. Meantime, you have stolen that child’s life using the deception of feeling and energy.
Understand, the ‘Physical’ do not feel good. The ‘Physical’ will either have pain or no pain. That is all the physical feel. It’ll be either hot, cold – it’s simple physical things, that’s what the physical feel. That’s what’s Real.
One plus One Equals Two.” – Bernard Poolman 

 

So, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on consequence to come…

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169. Imagination as a Distraction to Not Do things

When it comes to walking the procrastination character in relation to imagination, I could see myself having both positive and negative projections wherein within ‘playing’ with both, I would end up simply being entertained in the mind by either/or with no physical / tangible doing that would mean a single decision to get things done, such as just writing it out.

Thus as much as imagination would be linked to facing a point of fear in relation to the task at hand, the positive imagination would be me convincing myself of what I could instead do to not have to face the point of actually just doing it.

 

A specific thought among others is when I think of me being at the office of my professor and waiting for a verdict on my paper wherein such single image of the office is linked with a negative energy experience that I have created a resistance toward due to thinking and believing that the word ‘revision’ means doing it all over again several times. I explained the thought of ‘the office’ in the previous blog linked to fear of having to confront my ideas with another person – hence the thought would become an actual play out of events in my mind which is more in the realm of imagination of how it would go finally facing the point and how I would direct myself in the situation:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to actually doing the written document due to this single thought of me sitting in front of my professor’s chair at his office and waiting for a verdict on the current state of the work, hoping for it to go well without realizing that with me creating this single thought and going into the imagination of him telling me that it is either ‘done’ or ‘requires a lot of re-writing to be done,’ I create an actual resistance to do anything at all – this means that whether my imagination is positive or negative about it, I remain entertained only in my mind about it instead of actually physically doing it.

 

When and as I see myself entertaining myself in my mind with regards to a positive or negative feedback upon my work, I stop and I breathe – I realize that what is being created in my mind is of no substance other than my own thoughts that are built upon a future projection of me having ‘finished the work,’ which is precisely what needs to be directed by me in physical reality.

 

I realize that I will invariably have to face such imagination-point as an actual event of going for revisions and that in no way do I require to create an expectation about it being good or bad – I assist and support myself to remain here as breath when and as I approach the office/ the person and take things as breath, ensuring that I do not try to make things only ‘my way’ but am open to perspectives/ constructive criticism that can in fact assist and support me to expand my current view/ perspective on the point.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘revision’ to a negative experience wherein I believe that I will have to re-do everything again and link this ‘re-doing’ to the ‘worst case scenario’ that I participate in within my mind, without realizing that this fear is actually me preventing me from actually doing anything at all.

 

Thus, when and as I see myself imagining the moment of revision of my work and being anxious and nervous while having him reading the whole thing, expecting for the worst to happen, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able and capable of supporting myself to remain here as breath, realize that I can only hear and be willing to co-operate within going through the written document as many times as required in order to have everything done in a suitable manner, without creating any stress or anger for having to repeat the whole thing/ repeat some parts as I see and realize that this is part of doing this work thus

I commit myself to stop any fear and imaginary play outs of the worst case scenario as having to repeat myself several times, which I see is a possibility within the nature of the current task at hand – and that in no way do I require to create a negative experience toward it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a future projection of be expecting ‘the worst’ within the imagination-rolling of this thought of the office wherein I play out a hypothetical situation of me having to re-do the whole thing over and over and over again, getting frustrated about it and this is so without realizing that with me simply giving Into this thinking and imagination processes, I am in fact giving permission for me to eventually really go through this,  as I am being the creator of myself and my reality, believing that I somehow had to ‘face’ such points in order to see ‘who I am’ within them, which is absolutely Not necessary as I can simply decide to stop all future projections in the negative realm of it all ‘going wrong,’ stop all resistances and fears in one single moment and actually do the doing as an actual doing as point of Self Movement that must take place by my own physical decision to type and write it out.

When and as I see myself rolling the thought of the office into an imaginary moment of having to confront my work with another being, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me sabotaging myself with no substance to it other than entertaining myself in the mind instead of actually doing – thus

I commit myself to stop going into imagination about future projecting the confrontation/ presentation of my work with other beings and as such, assist and support myself to be here as breath throughout the entire process, as I see and realize that going into nervousness, anxiety or frustration leads nowhere but having to eventually do it all over again no matter what, as I realize that this has to be done and there is no other way around it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the imagination of being in the room of examination with all professors and having them asking the question ‘what does this all have to do with your career’? which is a primary imagination play out due to my own backchat toward my career choice and my belief that I am betraying ‘my vocation’ by now being dedicated more to the study of the human mind and not so much in the creative process of visual arts, without realizing that we use our mind to create and as such there is no possibility to dissociate a physical externalization as an ‘expression’ of ourselves without making use of the mind.

Thus I realize that this self-creation process is of course as relevant as any other aspect/ consideration within any expression, as it is an externalization of who we are/ how we are existing as the mind.

When and as I see myself going into imagination of that moment of having to confront my work and receive criticism for it not being ‘visual arts related,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that there’s no sense of going into this thoughts and participate within it as it is only based on fear and further backchat that I’ve had toward my own career and current interests in life, which can be certainly equally supported by both activities, as both points are related to who we are as humans and as such, there’s no need to create a dissonance around this in my mind any further.

 

I commit myself to stick to the physical, common-sense reality that is here for me to walk and direct myself in, wherein I do not require to imagine the whole thing ‘being done’ as I can only stick to writing it and working on it as a physical action in the moment, as I see and realize that imagining possible outcomes with it serves no purpose but distraction in relation to the actual work that requires to be done.

— to be continued

 

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165. Following Self Interest is In Fact Self Abuse

Continuing from the blogs:

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements (part 2 on Self Trust and Self Interest within Procrastination)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tamper my own ability to live absolute self trust by deliberately stopping my absolute dedication to the points of responsibility that I have at hand and within this, waver in my self-trust as the certainty of living a decision that I had proved to myself I am able to live by/ stand as

 

When and as I see myself wavering in my stance in relation to self-trust within the words that I speak, my expression and my living commitments – I stop and I breathe – this is where the point of self honesty must be established in an absolute manner, wherein I realize that taking care of the points that I have to do in fact create a point of self-trust according to my own application which is Not an experience, but an actual physical doing/ directing within the consideration of what is best to do and live, which is doing all that which is required to be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘waver’ within my self honesty and within my application as it, waver in self trust wherein such uncertainty and middle-road standing creates an outflow/ consequence of me not standing fully and directively within the consideration of me establishing patterns and habits within my physical process that I’ll be living as within the integration of self-corrective application as the physical, which implies that

When and as I see myself wanting to postpone/ procrastinate/ leave aside a point that is here for me to direct – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a pattern of physical consistency and continuity as part of my self corrective application, which implies that everything that I do as a regular/ habitual manner becomes part of my physical process of aligning my words, thoughts and deeds to what is best for all. Thus I realize that I must support myself to create habits and patterns of self support at all times, wherein I ensure that that which I am integrating and imprinting as my physical body is in fact habits/ patterns that are self supportive which includes, directing myself in the moment whenever I see that there is a point to direct and give a solution to, which is the point of self support that ensures one does not create further consequence and lag within taking on a task/ project/ job to do, and within this compromise myself and anyone involved in the decision made.

I commit myself to at all times consider that any fleeting moment of self interest to ‘leave things aside,’ imply me giving head to a single thought in my head to not follow through that which is physically here to be done. Therefore, it is to at all times realize and take into consideration the inner and outer process I am walking wherein all the individual points that I decide to live and apply must be in alignment with a process of self-corrective application wherein I ensure that I in fact stop re-creating past patterns of procrastination.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow a point to an unbearable pressure due to having feared talking about it/ expressed my own relationship of procrastination toward this particular project wherein the single thought of me having to ‘do it all over again’ and the time frames involved within that, lead me to simply procrastinate it even further, thus it is to realize how the moment that I continue accumulating ‘points’ toward a point of procrastination, I am supporting the separation, the abuse and the lack of self commitment that I have judged in others, which is something that is clearly revealing to myself how It is that one can be actually spiteful and bite the hand that feeds the moment that we don’t live the words of self correction that we had established for ourselves.

When and as I see myself accumulating a point to give direction to, apply, change – I stop and I breathe – I realize that who I am is defined by the actions or inactions I do – therefore if I am here to live a correction it is to stand absolute as the commitment to get things done/ give direction to that which requires to be physically done – and all of this within the consideration that an actually doing implies a commitment that must be physically translated into a moment of me simply doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become subject to my exigencies and desires at a mind level to instead of directing me to work on the point, I distract myself with ‘something else told to do,’ which is not in any way part of an actual realization of who we are as the point of ‘following our desires’ and deliberately shoving aside a point of self support..

When and as I see myself seeking for my own point of self-interest as that which makes me ‘feel better’ other than doing the tasks that I required to do, I stop and I breathe. I realize that at an individual level this leads us to remain constricted by our own believed points of ‘self enjoyment’ that are not really standing as a point of expansion and self support but instead represent that very ‘cage’ that I have defined and confined myself into which I believe makes me ‘feel better,’ when in fact the reality is that the more I postpone, the greater the ‘load’ gets.

I commit myself to realize that every moment I postpone, I end up having to THINK about everything I didn’t do, which is how I contribute to my own self abuse within the realization that every time that I think, I consume myself as the physical life that is here and that in fact allows me to do whatever is required to be done, because I see and realize that all the exigencies of the mind will only ever support the mind itself to continue evolving and transforming into an ‘upgraded system’ wherein Life is nowhere to be found, because as long as the mind is supported by me ‘following my thoughts,’ I in fact become The provider as my own physical to continue procrastination which is a point of abdicating responsibility while believing that I am in fact doing something ‘better/ making myself happier’ which is not at all so, as happiness/ feeling good is also an energetic experience where self’s stability as the physical is not existent. 

Thus, this is to really take the point of procrastination beyond the perceived ‘self interest’ that we believe we are in fact following, and realizing how we have in fact only served the mind/ energy wherein instead of supporting ourselves to expand ourselves, we end up limiting and compromising our very own life every time that we believe there are no consequences to one single moment that we push aside one day further that which is required to be done today. This is the process and there is definitely nothing else to do but walk the necessary talk to integrate within our very physical habits the living decision of doing at all times that which is best for all.

 

I commit myself to walk the various dimensions within the procrastinator as a character to ensure that I in fact realize in detail how I created the point and within this ensure that I stop the pattern for once and for all.

A point that I will go into in relation to the Thought dimension is  Satisfaction, which I suggest one read at the forum 

 

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Interview: Life is NOT Energy:

“Don’t be conned by the complexity of Self Interest”

 

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164. Who am I within Procrastination (2)

If we are really looking into this, we can only develop a point of Self Trust according to how we LIVE self trust and what I had experienced it before in my process was according to my ability to live the corrections and commitments to myself as this process –

Therefore, this is another aspect/ factor when it comes to living out a point of procrastination for an extended period of time and allowing it to grow like a tumor that we then just panic about when it become this unbearable and inconspicuous part of ourselves that cannot possibly be hidden any longer.

What comes up? Self judgment would want to come up, however I immediately see that I can simply take this point from here on, not judging myself for having fallen on this point, as I realize that any point that is here to be corrected t is the simply a point to take on, correct and stand up – simply walking the correction, walk the talk and within this ensuring that I do not stand behind my own shadow-self as the consciousness-experience of ‘all is fine’ and instead dare to face the consequences and the points that I had deliberately dismissed – and I write ‘deliberately’ as I see that there is always a deliberateness to anything that we in a moment decide NOT to do, and that’s tapping into the various dimensions as they are being walked within Heaven’s Journey To Life blog that is being a pivotal point of support within me to get myself ‘back on track’ within this seemingly ‘unimportant point,’ which now it’s very clear how the ‘unimportant’ and devaluation to the actual task at hand serves only for the purpose to give myself a ‘free range’ to simply go through another day without just doing it.

Within this I realize that the aspect of ‘others’ and who am I at the eyes of others is really not relevant within this, this is about myself as the commitment that I have taken for/as myself and that I have realized and lived to a certain extent must be absolute in all aspects for me to experience myself absolutely Here, without any snowballs attached dragging along an entire past of ‘unresolved/ undirected points’ within my reality, which I also KNOW beforehand are never as ‘bad’ as I imagined them to be.

In all of this, we can see how it is only within myself, my own acceptance and allowance to participate in the mind that I’ve become subject to my mind instead of standing one and equal to it. Is this a lesson I can only learn and never again repeat? Yes, as other points that I have proven myself being able to walk, live and be self directive within, I realize that I am also perfectly able and capable of standing up from this and walk the point from square 1.

I also realize that when we hit ourselves on the face of reality and realize the amount of time we lived in this ‘unbalancing act,’ we then try and catch up to everything in one go, creating then the experience of it begin then ‘too much’ or ‘impossible to get to,’ which are ALSO mind-mechanisms to not get it done. I can even see how I can use ‘supporting others’ as an excuse to not get to my own doings and writings, which is certainly not an option to do since we are all perfectly capable of making time instead of being sucked by it and wasting it in really non-supportive activities that I will disclose later on.

Thus, I assist and support myself to walk each one of these thoughts to not get it done by actually Getting to everything, creating a point of balance within my tasks, prioritize, stop any point of distraction and in fact support myself to Live Here realizing that every breath is here as an opportunity for myself to give myself self-direction. And this I also realize doesn’t require a point of ‘background’ of ‘who I am/ what I have been/done’ in the past, but it is simply here for me to walk and as such I stop basing my application according to the past as that would be also comparing ‘me’ to ‘who I was,’ which is only existent as memories. I work with the actuality of myself here, without any judgment and focusing on the physical tasks that must be done.

Within this all it is to walk the point for what it is, not creating any further judgments or experiences toward what is already done, what is gone is gone and there’s nothing else to do but to ensure the point is corrected from the get go here.

Furthermore, I invite You the reader to walk aside, to take on this point of getting things done/ committing ourselves to stop procrastination in any aspect within our reality within the understanding that we tend to blame and complain about ‘the system’ and how ‘ineffective it is,’ without realizing how this world is created out of the choices we’ve made and at the moment, our seemingly ‘unimportant factors’ such as procrastination that we have lived out as ourselves are in fact being the building blocks of our current world-system and our inner-experience of course, as we can see how a point of well being is also based on us being living day by day ensuring that we get things done, as I see and realize this is an actual physical aspect of our lives, it is not thinking it is not entertaining or deviating ourselves within any other point that may be ‘occupying our time’ which is not to be blamed for, but seen as the deliberate point of distraction that it represents within our minds.

Within this it is to see and observe what in our reality has become a point of distraction – either an event, something you want to buy, someone you’re ‘interested’ in, a certain career you are pursuing, a certain possession/ ownership that represents a significant increase in your income ,a future trip/ vacation, a personal event such as having kids, getting married, changing your job, someone dying, someone being born, TV, media, magazines, news, virtually anything can be grouped within the various points that we can distract ourselves with eventually creating these nice comfortable bubbles wherein we become only observers of our reality instead of living in it and seeing ‘who am I’ within participating in all of these aspects and their actual tangible ‘value’ to invest our time in – and this is within the questions that I learned from Anu in asking: how is this in any way supporting myself in my process? and within that, one will be able to spot any point of dishonesty and actually do-the-doing of stopping and correcting the point.

It is also a point to question/ ask myself: who am I within this relationship of procrastination? I could call myself many names that’s clear, however it’s not the point – it is actually not even seeing the point of ‘what is there to be done’ as the actual ‘thing-to-do’ but instead see the who am I within this procrastination as a deliberate point of inaction/ irresponsibility created in ‘full awareness’ which is the relationship that I created as myself toward another point in my reality and allowing it to just ‘bloom’ until the weeds become unbearable. Well, this is certainly an aspect that I am not willing to continue and this is what I can call officially riding again the horse instead of standing next to it fearing to be squashed by him in any given moment.

This will surely continue

 

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Great Series to understand how INSANE it is to judge ourselves, and how Insane it is to think reality instead of Living it:

 

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163. Who am I within Procrastination?

This is a necessary point to open up in order to give myself the opportunity to actually see beyond the immediate self interest of ‘doing things later’  and how within this we’re essentially only caring about our Own experience while neglecting the actual effect and consequence that such actions have ‘beyond our nose’ which is a way to explain how within our words, deeds and actions we have only ever considered ‘ourselves’ as individuals, placing aside any perspective wherein the consideration of the whole is in fact an equal and one realization. And this is the point missed in fact, how within our individual processes we tend to ‘lose perspective’ of an actual oneness and equality of what’s being walked, and within this somehow think that because of us not doing something/ doing something, we don’t affect the whole – but we do, oh yes we certainly do, otherwise how else would we be able to manifest the world as it currently exist?

I realized the point of self-trust within myself how within me shoving aside a point to be done, I create this ‘burden’ within me wherein one would want to believe that nothing else gets ‘affected’ by it, but it is not so, it ALL gets equally affected by this one single point as I see that the who am I within this one single point of procrastination cannot be separate from any other aspect of myself as it is not the ‘bad me’ that is not taking responsibility for it, it is the totality of myself that is taking this decision to simply not give direction to one point.

And so, within this, I thought that I could somehow brush aside, hide under the rug that which I knew all the way was here, waiting for me to give it direction. And the actual realization after finally opening this entire point up is ‘why waiting/ why having to wait till all shit hits the fan to move?’

Another dimension – of the plethora of dimensions that have stemmed from this – is how we become uncertain about our own words, our very stance within our commitment to live whenever we are Aware of one single aspect that we are not giving direction to – one or more I’d say – and as such, it is a point wherein I realize I cannot possibly continue fooling myself, yet I managed to do it for so long that it became like an ‘integral aspect’ of myself wherein I would exist in this parasitical relationship toward ‘my procrastination’ as this constant cloud in the head that I would carry around and only access to it in a conscious manner whenever I activated the Time factor during my day. However the fact that I would not apparently ‘think’ about it doesn’t mean it was not there. It was pretty much here and I see how this one single aspect started seeping through anything else and this past week was a key point for me to realize, like taking myself as far as only doing the absolutely basics and responsibilities that I have taken on toward others, however I have neglected the most basic responsibility which is toward myself, at all times – and within this there exists like a massive shift of responsibility and self-commitment wherein I see the pattern wherein I have kept my constant and consistent application of commitments and responsibilities in an ‘okay’ manner toward Others, but when it came to me, my own process, my own writings, I was only really doing the basics of it, not being absolutely here committing myself to the points that I realize require my immediate attention and dedication.

So, I see and realize that this point might as well take me quite some time to take on and I see/ realize and understand that unless I decide to stand absolute this time, nothing will change and nothing will move, which is leaving the door open for me to creep back to old patterns of procrastination or leaving things up to the last minute within the belief that ‘somehow’ I have always managed to get things done in a perfect manner at the last moment, which is Also another aspect to debunk within this all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create procrastination and exist as procrastination based on the relationship I formed toward that which I have to do, instead of actually realizing that it’s not about ‘what’ needs to be done, but who am I within procrastinating, postponing a task/ job/ assignment/ work that I realize I have to do and ‘get moving,’ wherein within shoving it aside, brushing of this point to complete and give direction to, I allowed myself to create a massive timeloop of inaction and abdication of responsibility essentially, because in my mind every time that the point would come up to give direction to, I always gave it a ‘second go’ to ‘do it later/ rather wait for the ‘right moment,’ which is the same as waiting for the holy ghost to come and motivate me in a sense, which is obviously delusional as it is only me that can move myself and give myself proper self-direction, instead of lagging and dragging thing undone/ incomplete around me.

When and as I see myself realizing that it is time to get myself writing/ doing the task that I require to get done and immediately having the subtle fear of this being a ‘long dreary process to complete,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only a fear thought that I’ve created as the main resistance to this, which taps into fear of being judged, fear of having to do things more than once and within this existing as a bunch of fears in the mind that I can simply stop in one breath and direct myself to simply do it which implies, opening up the word processor and typing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mind possession around the point of procrastination allow myself to actually not be tied to this one single point in the back of my head, not giving it direction and allowing it to ‘grow’ further and further while believing that somehow I would eventually ‘get to it/ give it direction’ without realizing the obvious which is if I don’t move and if I don’t direct myself to do it, it simply won’t ever be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my entire stance as my process just because of compromising my every breath to be subject to this point of dragging the past as ‘who I am’ in every moment that I see ‘time’ and realize all the things that I am dragging along with time, which is one of the main factors that I have enslaved myself to and not allowing myself to fully be here as breath, as every breath is a reminder of all the things ‘left behind’ instead of actually utilizing every breath to Move myself physically to get it done and within this, stop abusing myself as the physical that I am in fact consuming as the point of procrastination, because this actually creates a point of constant preoccupation and an experience of ‘having something to do’ all the time, which is how we create our own pre-occupations instead of immediately giving it direction as the moment that one realize there is a point to direct/ give direction to.

When and as I see myself compromising my entire process and my beingness to further procrastinate a single point of giving myself direction to do/ complete a task/ job/ paper/ work – I stop and I breathe – I give myself the opportunity to actually take the thoughts coming up, taking the pictures coming up in my mind in relation to working on this project and actually doing it, as the very thoughts are then pointing out to me that which I am separating myself from.

I realize that the more I give ‘length’ for these thoughts to go seemingly ‘unnoticed’ and are ‘brushed aside,’ the more I am in fact accumulating/ piling up this burden within me that I realize is not cool at all to live with, as this is the type of thinking and Not doing that keeps myself enslaved to one single point with no self-direction, instead of actually supporting myself to walk the thoughts into an actual doing and within this stopping the pre-occupation and directing myself to occupation on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of disparity within my process wherein I am creating this point of ‘absolute responsibility’ only to a certain aspects in my reality but Not toward everything that is of myself and my immediate responsibilities, which implies the point of giving time to ‘support others’ and forgetting about my own process of actually getting into the necessary and immediate points to walk through self forgiveness – thus

When and as I see myself in any given moment going into a point of desire to support others to the t and deliberately leaving my own process aside and ‘saving it for later,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have a schedule with which i can support myself to occupy my time to take care of my basic responsibilities and at the same time use the rest of the time to get my work done, as I realize that every time this would emerge I would then use the excuse and justification of ‘others’ as a point to ‘take care of’ toward others/ something else other than my own process to stop procrastination and get the actual work done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that somehow I would manage to get things done ‘perfectly fine’ up to the last minute as I had done in the past, without realizing that i cannot possibly relay on ‘the past’ to define me and my own self direction here – thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘everything will turn out just fine in the end’ is based on a positive attitude within this seemingly automatic ‘benefit’ I would always experience within being a ‘good student in school’ wherein no matter if I would do things up to the last minute – such as writing an assignment/ studying for an exam – I would always have a positive result within it, and within this, creating a pattern of laxity towards tasks/ assignments/ projects that require to be completed in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘everything will turn out just fine in the end’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is one of the key backchat thoughts that I have used to continue procrastinating within the belief that ‘no matter what I do, it will always be fine,’ which is basing my current self application based on the past wherein I was always getting positive results even if I had procrastinated the point for a long time – which is an absolutely unacceptable belief within me, that because it worked in the past it can work now – and also I realize that even if it did work, all the time spent within this procrastination loop has already caused consequence within my physical body due to the extent of energy consumed in order to maintain such point of resistance and procrastination in place, which is like loading an app in your computer that you simply never get to use and it’s always there giving you reminders of requiring and update, and one know it requires action from our side but instead we just ‘let it be’ with no self direction, which seems ludicrous when looking at the reality of the ‘problem,’ however this is how things are ‘blown out of proportion’ in our mind when not being fully self-directive here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my life for granted within believing/ thinking/ perceiving that ‘I will have time the next day for it,’ and within this actually making a statement of giving up in that very moment my ability to live and instead take the next day for granted as a ‘given time’ for me to do things, instead of doing what Is required to be done in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a plethora of excuses to justify my self interest in every moment that I tacitly imply that I do not want to do something and instead do something else that I perceive as ‘more relevant’ in my mind, which is a form of excusing doing that which ‘I like/ prefer doing’ than that which must be done, which most likely comes as a point of actual self-movement that won’t have a mind-urgency to it, but it is actually one of the points that I realize I have to implement and Will myself to do it, as I realize how the moment that we abdicate our breathing to support the mind, we stop being self-willed beings and become mind-driven robots seeking for self interest only.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to honor myself, my every moment of being here with doing/being/living/ becoming that which is self supportive at all times, instead of only focusing on that which has become our own demise as humanity which is following our self interest blindly with no further questioning of the consequences that following this ‘good feeling’ experience as the force we allow ourselves to be driven by eventually manifest throughout time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that within only considering ME and my point of preference/ self interest, I am simply declaring the mind’s absolute reign over the physical and within these seemingly ‘unimportant points’ such as procrastinating on a task actually neglect the effect that this has at an existential level which is something that is not exaggerated as it is in the very participation that we all have within this world that we have created our reality as it is, as an outflow of everything that we do and participate upon/ don’t participate in our day to day living.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to leave things for tomorrow, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this I am taking my moment here for granted and actually believing that I will be here the next day which is obviously not here and as such it is the same as procrastinating what’s here to be done onto a non-existent moment that is ‘the future’ and that I don’t have assured as it being a certainty for me to live every single day –

 

I realize that every time that I procrastinate I am taking my life for granted and actually abusing the breath that I am existing as here and using it to my own self interest to satisfy the ‘who I am as the mind,’ instead of taking the opportunity and the moment to support and assist myself with activities that I can take on in order to expand myself physically, to assist and support my own ‘grounding’ as physical-responsibilities that I can in fact take on in my world and reality.

 

I commit myself to continue forgiving myself for all the reasons, justifications and ideas that I’ve created in my mind as a way to justify and validate my own abdication of responsibility in order to suit my own mind and not the physical reality that is here as what is required to be done, what is supportive for me to live and act upon, direct myself to do at all times.

to be continued…

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162. Either Do it or DIE

I had a dream wherein I had applied for a job at a record store, and I was given a certain schedule that I of course had to cover. However I was rather entertained in my reality with something else, I remember I was interacting or moving around with people and as such when the time came for me to go cover my job schedule, I simply decided not to go and the reason in this case was because ‘I didn’t require the money,’ thus I experienced this absolute laxity toward the point of responsibility simply because I was not being guided by survival to do it, which is something that I can see is related to the motivation/ motive-factor as that energetic point that acts like a crutch for me to move.

The stagnation and deliberate shoving away of responsibilities is part of this point. I’ve lost the ‘fear’ to not do things and within this, I have self sabotaged myself extensively, simply because all the ‘discipline’ that I had lived was in fact only based on fear and keeping up a reputation that in my mind, I could not ‘afford’ to spoil for one second.

When the characters were identified, in my mind I created this point of laxity toward responsibilities, like literally only doing it at the last moment and essentially justifying it – foolishly enough – with me no longer acting out of fear to get things done, but ‘testing my waters’ in relation to my own ‘self-movement’ once that such fear is apparently non existent. And I say ‘apparently’ because it is quite obvious how I actually only turned the tables and went to the opposite of being the ‘on time responsible one’ to be a deliberate procrastinator one. This was all done consciously/ me being aware of it, and the only point that I can see has factored into it is this ‘force’ wherein I have opted to simply give myself away to it and continue placing things aside, postponing it all simply because I don’t perceive such points getting done within a matter of life or death. This reveals to what extent we have only moved when there is either a positive or negative reward and in my case, in the dream, the ‘record store job’ I had always kept in the past as this ‘dream like job’ – even if I am now aware it is not ‘dream-like’ at all – as something that I would do out of pleasure and that was going to apparently only be like an extended hobby. So, in the dream when it came to actually cover my hours, I decided to simply not go and take it as lightly as possible, simply because there was no point ‘behind’ it that was pushing me to do it, to move.

 

The same has happened in many ways within my reality wherein I actually dislike the fact that we have to be threatened in one way or another to move, however even after knowing this, we simply don’t do it.  The words ‘What’s the benefit in it?’ is what comes to mind when looking at ‘points I have to do’ which implies that within such cases I am still ‘expecting’ something good or even something bad coming out of it, and this ‘jaded’ attitude toward consequences is actually another way to not take responsibility for the points that are simply not being done/ not given direction, wherein it is obviously a non-doing situation that cannot possibly be without ‘an experience’ as it is perceived in my mind. I see and realize that it actually has taken quite a hold of myself due to my own deliberate shoving-aside of things that I know I have to do, but I am not doing.

So, the dream revealed to me this aspect of ‘necessity’ to do things out of survival – such as a job- while also deliberately neglecting the compromise I had made to actually do the job, which is something that is ‘so unlike me’ in terms of how I used to function in the past as the character of being a responsible person, whereas now that such point is not so automated or triggered out of fear, I see that it is definitely a point of ‘If I don’t change and if  I don’t move, nothing will change and nothing will move.’

We got it all in words, I got all the tools, I realize and see the point – so what is this deliberate mindfuck that I’m playing onto myself? Not doing something out of thinking of the future consequences of it, of the actual time that it would take, of the reviews and criticism that it will take, of the several bureaucratic processes that I am supposed to go through, of all the times that I would have to re-write the damn thing, and within that I see how I have in fact squandered more time when deliberately pushing aside this whole thing believing that somehow it could magically be ‘overlooked’ which is ludicrous and fantastic to my awareness at this very moment, how far I have deluded myself.

For all actions and inactions there’s a consequence – in my dream I did not get to see the point of not showing up for my job, but I can see how as long as ‘my life didn’t depend on it,’ I would unlikely take it serious, which is absolutely unacceptable, as I had made a contract/ commitment to actually do it, regardless of the money-made and my actual need for it, as well as it being supposed to be this ‘job’ that I liked/ wanted to get at some point early on in my life, which also indicates how we can brainwash ourselves to the utmost degree and believe that we ‘got it all covered,’ and when the seemingly petty points emerge, we can in fact realize that such seemingly ‘small decisions’ turn into massive balls of snow that grow and grow the more time keeps rolling.

And this point of consequence can also be observed within the relationship with time and procrastination, how we literally enslave ourselves to this ‘time frame’ wherein actual fear is being built toward the point, unnecessarily so, but because of the amount of energy as resistance/ procrastination that’s been created, we in fact develop it all into this massive ball that is nothing else but our own creation. And this is where in my mind, as the ego, would have wanted to blame it onto everyone else but myself, which is obviously something that cannot possibly exist any further within me.

 

Postponement:  this Force as ourselves as the Mind operate – where in a moment, our habitual Personality would activate and then this Force would be that “physical experience” within oneself of REALLY not WANTING to push through the Personality pattern/habit, but rather continue following the habitually patterned thoughts/internal conversations and behaviour – essentially in that moment the Mind/Consciousness as ourselves as the accepted and allowed self-defined Personality we’ve become, force ourselves into and as Mind-Submission, giving up on ourselves and the opportunity we would have had in that moment if one had simply taken a breath and committed self to the decision of change/realisation and physically, practically completed/done the task/assignment/responsibility.” – Sunette Spies on

The FORCE: DAY 161

 

 

And the nail I have hit my head with today:

for example, can look at contexts of:

“Postponing with School/University Assignments/Tasks – compromising one’s future and survival in this world system that is, unfortunately at this stage really dependent on establishing a profession/having an education. Obviously yes even though this may not be guaranteed, it should still not be an excuse, reason, justification to not utilize the opportunity you have in this moment to complete your education. You do not know what the Future may bring, and therefore, rather utilize the opportunity you have with education, commit yourself to get it done, so as to not have to face the regret of not utilizing this opportunity you have, later in life. It is here in your life/world, therefore – do it, get it done.” – Sunette Spies

Character Dimensions – Practical Application (Part 1): DAY 163

 

This last bit was enough to say Oh mein Gott it is so obviously blatantly here and how it has been deliberately brushed off in order to make it seem like, you know, it’s not relevant, you know I’ll do it later, I’ll Eventually get onto it, I’ll obviously have to get it done. Hence the title wherein it is interesting to see how I can give a dribble and a plethora of excuses as to why I was not doing so, however in the end it is a simple point of choosing to be/become the mind that seeks for a point of comfort/ no ‘problem solving’ type of situation instead of actually realizing how enjoyable it even was to expand myself within getting into academic stuff, this is also related to any habit that was for example supportive and when we stop doing it for an extended period of time, we tend to simply ‘forget’ how we would actually enjoy ourselves writing/ doing/ saying something that we then created a negative-charge to in order to create this infamous procrastination loop.

 

And what’s fascinating is that somehow I managed to procrastinate reading Heaven’s Journey To Life this entire week, and as I re-read this I realized that this is a timeloop obviously otherwise it would not be HERE for me to look at, walk with such blatant and obvious timing support – and self forgiveness for the clear judgmental aspect that arises as I write this out:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing any form of reputation as being a ‘responsible being,’ without realizing that such character was also driven by fear and this is the time wherein I am in fact realizing what self-movement actually is and implies for the very first time and that judging myself for it, won’t do any ‘better’ for it – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be judged by ‘others’ for not having been consistent within my application, without realizing that I was perfectly aware of it and the deliberateness of it linked to this single point of allowing myself to be ‘driven’ by the force and believing that ‘I had it all sorted out’ which is actually the same point of ‘ignorance is bliss’ that many people may create as positive thinking, without realizing that I was doing exactly the same thing when talking myself out of taking responsibility for a single point that is here as my responsibility to be done, and within this, believe that there is ‘no consequence to it for others, but only myself’ which is also a point of self interest and deliberately shoving aside the fact that I am actually aware of how everything that we do/ don’t do does not only create a consequence for myself, but creates a consequence at the level of the whole  – and within this,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘lose my ground’ and actually having deliberately created this stance of ‘all is well’ within me wherein apparently I was ‘not caring about it/ about getting something done,’ without actually seeing that the masquerade of ‘all is well’ was stemming from actually seeing the actual fear that created it as the realization of time as consequence being directly proportional to the amount of time I’ve shoved aside this point which is time-looping at a maniac-rate –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually not even dare to be honest toward myself in relation to actually taking this point ‘by the horns’ because of not wanting to ‘expose’ myself to myself for the actual stupidity that it is to leave a task/ assignment/ evaluation aside believing that somehow it could not be ‘relevant’ to my reality any longer, which is quite the excuse to actually not take responsibility for myself and my creation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now that I am writing it out, actually experience a constriction in my chest and experience the heaviness as an energetic experience of fear in relation to seeing how long I have in fact excused myself out of this point and not given proper direction to it within the belief that I would ‘someday’ eventually do it and manage to get it all ‘perfectly done’ as I had done in the past, without considering that the past is not here as myself and that I cannot rely on ‘past patterns’ that require an actual DOING and giving direction to it within my reality, whereas before I would see them as an extension of who I am as such point of taking on a responsibility and committing myself to it.

 

When and as I see myself going into fear/ petrification when realizing the consequences of everything that I’ve done/ haven’t done, I stop and I breathe – I instead direct myself to not over-think about it and create yet another experience toward the pattern of procrastination but instead commit myself to do it, and this is not for the sake of keeping or sustaining an ‘idea’ of myself, but it is in fact part of what I had committed myself to be/ do/ become in my reality, wherein I am in fact then aware that it is a physical point to do within the current system that we live in and that it doesn’t matter if it’s required or not, it is a point for me to take on and ‘get it done’ no matter what, as I see and am aware that it cannot be pushed any further away in time than this.

 

So, I commit myself to get this done and I see and realize that breathing is the point to diffuse the experience within me which is a mix of fear and anxiety that I had managed to cover up with this seemingly ‘stable’ experience within me, while neglecting that it was not really a stable point of who I am but a make-believe stability because of knowing that I had been dragging one single point or various points around for an extended period of time without giving it direction and actually using other points in my reality to distract myself from taking responsibility for it – so another note here:

 

“Distraction – deliberately distracting ourselves with/as the Force of/as the Mind/a Personality, distracting us from/of ourselves, the physical to in/as that moment sabotage an opportunity for/as self-change/self-realisation within ourselves and our worlds. That we’d rather distract ourselves with and as the Mind/Personality, and attempt/try to validate/justify that distraction through and as the extent to which we can talk ourselves/convince ourselves in/as that moment from actually moving ourselves into and as a moment of change/realisation. All of which simply exemplify the nature of/as ourselves as human beings; that we’re deliberately utilizing ourselves as the Mind to not in fact really change, but conveniently only pay attention to our ‘comfort zones’ in the Mind to maintain separation and abdication of responsibility from/of ourselves and our worlds/realities.” – Sunette Spies  on The Force

 

So this entire point that came up in the dream wherein deciding to do the ‘fun thing/ that which I like/ that which made me feel ‘cool’  instead of  actually attending my schedule at the job and taking the point of Self Responsibility. So this is ‘my creations’ within the mindfuckism category, as Scott Cook has accurately coined the term – and it’s something I am definitely aware it’s not cool at all to perpetuate due to the actual extensive amount of energy it takes to keep shoving it aside, without actually ‘tapping’ on to it in the moment and just typing it out.

Okay, so this is the beginning of the end of me as the patriotic inhabitant of Procrasti-Nation – and this time it’s either I get it done or I swallow the already created consequences in the moment.

 

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