Tag Archives: postponing

186.Physical Pains: I Did it to Myself

Physical Dimension – Procrastination Character – Pains and discomfort at a physical level – Part 1

 

I am about to open up my document and suddenly my eyes begin feeling a tad heavy, like I suddenly want to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my eyes going heavy and suddenly feeling overall sleepy and wanting to go to bed/ rest the moment that I am opening my folder with the written document that I have to work with – wherein I have become possessed by the belief of me being ‘tired’ to do this, wanting to ‘rest for a while’ to continue, without realizing that there is no possible way to be tired as it is only the middle of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of me wanting to sleep/ being tired from last night as an excuse to not get into the writing due to my eyes feeling sore, without realizing that this is part of the physical possession that I have created along with the backchat and resistances to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must close my eyes for a moment before getting to the writing because I am apparently ‘tired’ which is not really so, it is physical consequence of me having participated extensively in procrastinating whenever I would get myself to the point of ‘going to write the document’ and simply ending up not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my eyes cannot be open one more second and believe that I cannot possibly continue, without realizing that my eyes are perfectly ‘okay’ no matter how long I stare at a screen, thus the discomfort is part of the self-created burden/ tiredness and pain and discomfort in order to not direct myself to do what I have to do, which is the physical point of transcending the energetic experience at a physical level as a physical consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in within procrastination.

When and as I see myself having my eyes going heavy and dry and suddenly wanting to close my eyes and doze off for a moment – I stop, I take deep breath and I realize that I cannot possibly be tired and that this is only an excuse that I have created at a physical level in order to not get to this point of writing the document, which is how I see that the friction and conflict and background ‘worry’ that I have created as procrastination, generates or I generate within me a desire to simply ‘sleep it off’ to then forget about me directing this point in the moment, as I see and realize that it is in the best interest of the mind as myself to continue existing within this procrastination character to in fact always remain bound to this One Point that I have to do, which is what has been preventing me from being absolutely here in every moment of breath as a self directive being.

I realize that the desire to sleep has become a way for me to escape responsibilities wherein I trick myself within the belief that ‘I am too tired for this’ and that I cannot possibly continue, wherein I have actually tested out last night how it is a matter of breathing through the experience, even going out to take some fresh oxygen/ air and then continue working on whatever task I am focusing on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the upper side of my back going heavy and my head becoming ‘cloudy’ the moment that I am sifting through the documents to open the latest version of the writing and going into a slight experience of anxiety because of realizing that I have to go through it all over again and read and write and correct it.

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the rush to open up the document within the starting point of wanting to ‘get over with it’ for once and for all, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to breathe here in every moment through and while things are being done/ moved and in this case me going through the documents in order to open up the writing document, and also within this, realize that the overwhelming experience of it being ‘too much to go through’ at once creates the anxiety due to ‘not having enough time’ which is only a self-imposed limitation to not work on it in the moment.

When and as I see myself becoming impatient while going through the documents to open it up and wanting to skip-read throughout it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that being here as the physical requires no rushing as there is no deadline to ‘match’ but it is only my self-imposed rush as the result of having procrastinated the point for far too long wherein I am attempting to ‘make up for it’ in one go, which is not impossible – yet not preferred as I realize that I would be dishonest to myself if I just complete this task to ‘get it done’ instead of assisting and supporting me to be here in and as everything that I participate in.

I commit myself to realize that the rush experienced even at the moment of beginning to work with the document is only the accumulated anxiety that I created as a suppression when procrastinating this task throughout time, thus I take responsibility for not continuing supporting the energetic experience at a physical level, I instead breathe through it until I am here again in stability to then continue working with the actual writing and reading, ensuring that I am not wanting to ‘skip through it’ in order to go faster/ get it done sooner as that would simply be once again going into the rush of the mind to ‘get it done.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start thinking about just going and listening to this one song and then I continue, which is a seemingly ‘innocent’ way of creating a diversion point, without realizing how it is in the moment when the thought comes up to ‘go and listen to this song/ watch this video’ that I have to stand absolutely clear here, take a deep breath and continue seeking the document/ opening it up/ reading through it no matter how ‘long’ it takes to do so. Within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own entertainment and diversion tactics as mind control in order to get distracted from doing this particular task, wherein I realize that the moment that I even allow myself to ponder whether doing it or not is already not being absolutely here as the physical, breathing and directing myself to do what I know must be done. I realize that this is the same as giving up any craving that I would experience with other things in my reality as an addiction, due to the fact that I have become so used to giving myself these ‘experience treats’ that are not good or bad per se, such as listening to music – however it is the relationship that I have formed toward that as a way to distract myself from getting to my writing what is the point to self forgive and correct, as I see and realize that there have been many, many times wherein I can simply drone out into the ‘zone’ of just watching this concert, video, interview or any music that I am entertained with in order to then make the point as a ‘waste of time,’ go into regret and then move onto doing something else that is required to be done, BUT not this particular specific task that I was aiming at from the very beginning.

When and as I see myself wanting to divert my attention to watch a music video, listen to a song, go through this website to see what’s new as entertainment while having made the decision to work on my document – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a point of diversion that I must deliberately stop and continue directing myself to continue and work with the task itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link this particular task which is writing to a sensation of discomfort on my chest which is actually a fear as the accumulated experience of having procrastinated it for ‘far too long’ and within this, being experiencing the result of my own consequence which was absolutely unnecessary if I had just directed myself appropriately – however there are no ‘ifs’ and ‘If I had just…’ as this is only a point to recognize that I can only give myself direction from this moment on and sure that I do not actually make the same mistake again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin complaining in my mind about the pains and physical discomfort I experience when beginning to read, wherein I believe that ‘I must take a rest because I’m not feeling well,’ without realizing that the physical pains and discomfort has been created by me due to having given all my attention to always end up procrastinating the writing, instead of actually breathing and simply doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause pain in the pit of my stomach, arms, upper back mostly in relation to me walking through the procrastination of writing this document wherein I believe that the ‘heaviness’ and ‘pain’ is just ‘too much to bear,’ without considering and realizing that this is my own process of actually facing the consequences of what I have done and created to myself as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always give into the heaviness experience and seemingly tiredness believing that it is ‘real’ without realizing that it is real as a consequence of what I have created and propitiated myself –

When and as I see myself diverting my attention toward the physical pains and discomfort as an obstacle for me to stop and not continue with writing the document, I stop and I breathe. I take responsibility for my own physical discomfort that has been created as a result of the accumulated experience of suppressing the task while using energy to ‘tamper’ it and evolving my stance as the mind in order to make it ‘all fine’ while neglecting the consequences that my physical body is actually experiencing as a result of me keeping this relationship toward this one point as an accumulated experience of procrastination.

I commit myself to start considering every moment that I participate in the mind as this single act of thinking creating and manifesting a physical consequence due to my ignorant participation in the mind and procrastination as an energetic experience that I tried and suppress, instead of actually standing up and taking responsibility and within this, stopping the reactions and further consequences experience at a physical level from this.

this will continue

 

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168. Thoughts as Self-Created Resistance

Procrastination Character

Thought Dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of my professor’s office as as single point of fear and resistance toward me writing out my document, which is linked to the actual process that the written document must go through in relation to revisions and having to re-write things more than once, wherein the image of being at the office represents that point of approval or disapproval of it.

When and as I see myself having the thought of the office before writing and creating a resistance toward it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is just a fear point that I can simply breathe through, not participate in and continue doing.

I commit myself to not allow one single thought to determine my entire starting point within doing things and actually do it: place myself to writing the document.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually resist facing the professor and going to his office, simply because of it representing an actual confrontation of the revisions required and the commitment for me to do do this whichever time it takes, regardless of how many times it has to be ‘re-worked’ as I realize that nothing can be just ‘perfect’ in one go, which is the actual limitation that I see is existing as an obstacle for me to simply do this.

When and as I see myself using the thought of the office as a point of confrontation thus fear, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all of this is only happening at a mind level and that I am able and capable of directing myself to do this without any thought in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this future projection of fearing going to that office for a revision, I create an actual resistance in my mind wherein every time that I think of ‘getting this done,’ the thought of the office comes up as a ‘burden’ to face and within this another thought and/or imagination point activates with a positive experience such as doing something else first like any other daily task and ‘saving this writing for later,’ which is in fact me playing energetic games of placing a positive experience as ‘another task’ in front of the task that I am fully aware requires to be prioritized in my reality.

When and as I see myself creating the backchat upon the thought of the office/ school and thinking ‘I will do this later’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that the other tasks I am committing myself to are actually necessary as well and that I can divide and measure my time to get to all point within a schedule that I can stick to, so that I ensure I in fact get this one with the starting point of me as directive principle and not a thought that makes me react and only do that which I ‘want to do’ and within this

I commit myself to live by principle and not by thoughts and preferences.  And this is ‘the deal’ in itself within this dimension.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought of me writing out hours endlessly without realizing that this is absolutely just a character that is pretending that ‘I do not want to write,’ while I have proven to myself that writing is an absolute supportive point for ourselves to face ourselves and within academic purposes, to propose/ show and demonstrate that which we are here to communicate/ convey which in this case implies my own process and that there is absolutely no excuse to divide ‘process writings’ to any other writing that I have to do as part of who I am and my own expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a division within me, giving a positive value to writings done ‘for process’ and a negative value to writings done toward an activity that I have considered as pointless such as school/ academic purposes, without realizing that I have committed myself to do this and that shoving it away or trying to make it ‘less important’ or even ‘non important at all’ is me actually not wanting to do it and face a point of self-expansion, which is yes, ludicrous how in our minds we trap ourselves in our burden and energetic bubble of constricted ‘airwaves’ wherein we are not here breathing, but instead postponing being HERE because of all the mind burdens/ tasks/ points that we are constantly procrastinating to do.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within this self-creation process I have in fact proven to myself that I am deliberately creating a fucked up experience and absolute self sabotage every time that I give into Energy to create instead of Physically moving myself to DO things instead of future projecting, thinking and imagining all of the above mentioned points and aspects that I have charged with a negative resonance – within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately seek for a point of comfort and enjoyment and ‘feeling good’ or ‘better’ about myself with points of distraction such as surfing the net, reading the news, going out for a walk, fixing this or that around my room and house wherein such thoughts and imaginations emerge the moment that the initial negative thoughts such as having to confront my writings with an academic, having to spend ‘long hours writing’ become this negative experience that is quickly shifted in my mind toward a point that ‘I’d rather doe’ in order to satisfy my own existence within this ‘feeling better’ about myself by doing other tasks, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel better with doing and completing and satisfying ‘other tasks’ which I have defined as ‘enjoyable tasks,’ wherein I believe that I am being responsible for taking care of these tasks, however having then imposed these preferred tasks on top of this primary task that is an actual point of immediate action for me to take on, which means it is a priority in my world and that I have procrastinated for so long in this ‘waiting’ for – hell, nothing there is nothing to wait but ME just Doing it.

When and as I see myself rather doing other writings instead of the academic point I must write, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a disparity in values according to that which I like/ that which I don’t like and as such, diving myself to only do that which I enjoy doing and avoid that which I apparently don’t enjoy doing – thus I equalize my application toward my writings and not kid myself to only do that which I like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘wait’ for when I could apparently have the ‘right book’/ ‘the right information’ to do this, without realizing that I’ll be describing my experience and as such, there is no book that could possibly hold at this stage any of what I am here to share as my process of self-creation as it is a self-explanation of who I am as my own creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my physical body to constantly be used up and consumed to charge up these thoughts and imagination every single day, wherein I have actually tortured myself instead of actually doing it. Within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonor myself, my physical body within this deliberate neglect toward the responsibilities at hand and within this having satisfied only the mind-reality of feeling good/ feeling satisfied with and while doing other tasks, while knowing and being perfectly aware that I have this other primary task at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually squander my breathing, my physical hereness, my unconditional support given by others in order for me to do this, and instead only focus on one aspect of my reality that makes me feel ‘good’ and that I ‘prefer doing’ while deliberately neglecting the other aspect that is the reason why I am being supported to live every single day at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of regret when looking back at all the time that’s gone by without me giving direction to this and within this thinking ‘what the fuck have I allowed?’ without realizing that all that is left here to do is simply Doing it and that there is no way to go back in time and ‘sort it out then,’ but instead have to ensure that I get this done as soon as I possibly can, as I am in fact even postponing my own plans due to this single point of resistance to finally get this written document done. It is writing, it is me and my experience to be shared – how on Earth have I actually resisted to do this?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see an art degree as pointless and useless piece of paper that will have no ‘power’ at all within the system, without realizing that we live in this world system wherein one single piece of title gives you enough credentials to be ‘accountable’ within the system and as such, realizing that this is one requisite that I require to cover in order to give completion to what I committed myself to finish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having this little paper on the wall just proves that I am ‘worthy’ toward the system, without realizing that it’s not about the paper or the title or credentials even, but the self commitment that I have committed myself to as part of being a self directive and self responsible beings in all aspects in my reality, as I realize that my reality is my process and that neglecting doing this, is deliberately neglecting my own point of responsibility and self movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always give myself excuses as to why I should leave it for the next day and why I am not ‘ready’ to do this now wherein a thought of doing something else first always come in, and that something else is a task that I have defined as ‘enjoyable’ and even ‘more supportive,’ and within this creating a rift within me toward doing that which I realize is my immediate point of action as opposed to that which also requires action but is not in an absolute immediate manner that must be completed – thus I see and realize that I require to prioritize my time, myself and my current point at hand to complete and to not take further responsibilities without first sorting this one responsibility in my reality.

I Realize that I will have to face the consequences of my own procrastination within this point which I am fully aware that I created simply because of having given into energy and seeking for a feel good experience instead of actually doing what must be done in the moment and realizing that I could not be in a better position to do this and that I have in fact dishonored myself and neglected my self commitment by having given so much ‘head’ to this, instead of simply doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see myself having the thought of writing the document out, see the thought of that specific folder wherein I don’t want to go through everything that I have to revise it and give it proper order and coherence and within this creating a single thought of the folder that contains the files as a burden, due to all the information that is there and the points that must be aligned wherein I am creating a negative experience toward it, instead of actually supporting myself to open up the document, read through what I have and write.

When and as I see myself resisting opening up the very folder in my computer that contains all the written documents and avoiding clicking on it, I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is actually a physical click of opening up documents and reading and going through it to see what requires to be corrected, shifted, what requires an addition and as such focus on what is necessary to be done in order to in fact complete it and have it done for once and for all.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts and instant ‘captures’ of either the office or the folder containing the writings in my computer and using these thoughts as a point of fear to not move. I realize that I am capable of simply breathing through such thoughts and commit myself to write, review and work on the document myself.

 

This will continue..

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