Tag Archives: pretentious

536. Transparency (No Pretense!)

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

Here I look straight into the word ‘pretentious’ as it being something that I have a general negative association to – and it being the opposite of the word I’m looking at integrating here which is transparency, without pretense specifically – and it’s interesting to read the whole list of synonyms and antonyms of this word here http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/pretentious because it gives a general feel to what my interest or ‘attraction’ and also ‘repulsion’ towards someone’s expression is all about yet, it all relates to my own judgments towards my own expression.

The first thing that pops into my mind is myself expressing me in what I considered was an ‘over the top’ type of expression, mostly related to memories of how I have been –according to my judgment – conceited or pretentious, which is something I definitely want to fine tune into a point of humbleness, simplicity in expression, transparency – in a way of expressing: here I am, this is my expression, no need to pretend to be ‘more’ or anything less than what I am, which is coming through more in who I am and how I interact with others, but it wasn’t definitely an immediate process to get to be that.

Looking back in my expression a decade ago, I definitely had placed a lot of personalities before me in order to ‘cope’ with reality, sometimes being too shy and reserved – read fearful and judging how others would experience my ‘real’ expression – and some other times appearing too extravagant, conceited, snobbish and getting myself into a ‘high’ of sorts, stemming from the actual inferiority I would experience towards others which led me to create a somewhat defensive self with a tinge of grandeur in order to make myself noticed in fear of being unnoticed – and the rest of the polarities that stem from simply not being accepting oneself.

I can say that I could have come off as pretentious or petulant lol, which I must say was quite a hard-wired personality in me, mostly veering towards the ‘giving a punch with words’ and my expression rather than simply sharing myself in calm and stability, without seeking attention or a form of specialness.

The point is to notice how it has been a process for me to get to a relative point of transparency, openness, comfort when sharing myself with others – walking from the shy, fearful character that didn’t even want to record videos and upload them on the internet (yes, I had made a decision upon first encountering YouTube back in 2006 that I would never be on it, lol) to then deciding to start sharing myself in relation to this process with Desteni and finding ‘my expression’ in those videos, which at times I can see myself currently cringing at how I expressed myself back then and pondering if others considered it too brusque, ‘in your face’ and maybe a bit too snobbish or pretentious at times – which of course were also expressions I have generally disliked in others, which proves again that ‘what one dislikes, exists within oneself as well’ – however, if I had judged myself as all of this and had refrained myself from recording those videos, I would have prevented me from learning to be comfortable in front of a camera and speaking into a recording that will stay there as an archive for posterity, which sure, may sound intimidating at times, but I’ve also learned to not go and ‘delete’ the stuff, but leave it there as a process walked at a certain point in my life – it’s part of the process, as we say.

So, this point of transparency linked to a humbleness and an unconceited expression is something I want to practice more in my expression within specifically getting back to recording videos, because I had also prevented myself from doing so because of how I had judged the ‘YouTube persona’ that I have there as some kind of embarrassment that I could just bury for a while and not get back to my personal vlogs – however this is now out of the bag and I will look at recording myself again, because it is quite supportive to do so, it assisted a lot to see myself, to even get to know myself by seeing how I speak, how I move my face and the rest of tonalities that may come through it, it’s quite a great process of self-exploration as well.

I enjoy writing and apply transparency in the sense of being self-honest, being able to see the ‘nitty gritty’ of myself and have no problem with me sharing it, I’ve been in hangouts and it’s definitely enjoyable also to share oneself because of the interaction with others – but now I have to go back to the self-recording and see what comes up. And one of the words I want to integrate in my expression is that of being transparent, not having any hidden agenda of wanting to be perceived in a certain way, but simply sharing myself, without pretense, without fears, without having to ‘appear’ a certain way that I’ve defined as ‘acceptable for the world to see’ – lol. That’s the pretense right there to stop and correct within me.

This is an interesting thing to look at because it is mostly in the notion of ‘recording’ myself that this experience of having to put on a show comes up, because I have seen myself how I can enjoy and be expressive when sharing with other people real time and no fears like that emerge – but it is in the consideration of doing vlogs – as in material that will remain for posterity and multiple replays – that this emerges, which is in fact something I did to myself, considering how I have been the one that has re-played myself and gotten to judge my expression, therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refrained from recording myself in vlogs again due to how I have judged my expression before and perceiving that I am mildly embarrassed by my previous expression, yet it is what it is, a part and phase of my process where I was discovering ‘who I want to be’ and how I want to express myself, which is also a fine tuning process that I cannot expect to come through ‘perfectly’ at first – also here realizing that I am the one that has to stop seeing myself through the eyes of judgment, of seeking ‘perfection’ in such videos, but instead embrace my expression in the moment, being transparent, having no ‘hidden agendas’ or pretense around it all, but giving myself that opportunity to see me this time through judgment-less eyes, and not doing it only to myself, but also towards others as well.

And the reason is mostly because of how I became a certain person/character on those videos that do not represent what I’m really like currently. I am still quite direct and frank but without that sulkiness or the tinge of cynicism that would come through at times, however I’ll only know until I actually record myself. And this is another thing to debunk here, how I expected myself to kind of ‘replay’ how I presented myself in the past, which is of course not something that is common sensical to do and I’ve been using this excuse as a reason to not do personal vlogs and have given my power away to these justifications and excuses, which doesn’t make sense at all, because if anything then I can show how change is possible and how we don’t have to be the same as yesterday, that change is healthy and it’s actually something that we should all do as well considering it is very much needed to fine tune ourselves to be best for ourselves and so best for all.

I said in my first vlog ever that ‘I felt like an open book’ and it was so in the sense that I was writing out the first pages within this process of self-discovery, self-change and self-honesty creation, and now it’s time to continue doing so not only in writing but get back on doing videos and any other methods I can plan on directing as well in my reality.

So, I’ll be soon recording myself also to share more about my personal process of self-change based on my participation within Desteni – officially for 9 years in my case – and all the bits of changes that I’ve been creating within myself, what I’ve learned, what I’m still working on, etc. And that is then a way to live transparency as well, where I don’t have to put on a show or create an entertaining display of knowledge as myself but instead do a simple practical self-sharing, which I already do in these words, in these blogs – now it’s simply taking it to the vlog level again and get back to being comfortable recording myself.

Bottom line is, if transparency is something I appreciate as an expression in others, why have I separated myself from such transparency and unconceitedness and making it something that I long to experience through a relationship with someone that I perceive as transparent? Why do we create these barriers in our lives of waiting for someone to ‘be that for us’ instead of us taking the lead and learn from them, integrate that expression as ourselves and walk the process that it takes to live a word for real within and for ourselves?

Also, this is not as simple and quick as in saying ‘I want to be transparent here and now’ and that’s it – living this word is also a process and starts with developing self-honesty which is a pillar of this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life. This is just an example in terms of transparency in expression when sharing oneself, going from the notion of having to ‘put on a show’ or ‘appear’ a certain way at the eyes of others, or becoming defensive instead of being vulnerable, open and genuine – aiming at simplicity, instead of trying to do something ‘larger than life’ and ending up elevating oneself too much, losing ground, missing the earthy-expression of saying things as they are, as we are, in a moment, without edits, that’s what’s enjoyable as well from human expression for sure. Therefore I stop expecting others ‘to be that towards me’ or ‘for me’, I have to be the one that lives the word and sets the example.

Transparency to be lived as a direct, frank expression yet self-honest which means, within self-responsibility, within humbleness – not as a ‘show off’ or another kind of pretense of ‘being transparent’ lol, but as a genuine expression without hidden agendas nor back doors, that’s the kind of expression that I am here placing on my table of words to practice in living and developing for myself within communication specifically, considering I have already developed a point of self-transparency as self-intimacy= seeing within myself, getting to know me as I am, pushing through fears of seeing my truth and reality, being willing to see and open up whatever is needed to continue ‘processing’ myself, not hiding from myself – that’s settled to a certain extent over time and with the tools of self-writings, self-forgiveness and the feedback gotten through the network of support as the Desteni I Process, which has been a lighthouse in a vast sea of darkness lol, seriously, considering how one can lose one’s direction at times, the support one gets to get back to self-honesty and self-responsibility to one’s self-creation is always a gift in life to have.

So! Transparency, openness, vulnerability and self-enjoyment in my expression, here I come.

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


233. Are we Anxious because We Know We Lie All the Time?

Facing our Personal Judgment Day

When looking at strength the past week, I had a dream wherein I would see a symbol that represented strength being mended/ broken and covered up with a ‘surrogate symbol’ if you wanna call it that.  How can any strength be real if it is founded upon an Idea of Self based upon an actual survival mode-system that we’ve been living as, projecting the usual image of ‘self-control’ while inside one is a wreck? Well, that certainly creates an underlying anxiety which indicates simply what? One is not being absolutely self-honest with one’s living and words, one is still wanting to hold on to something as a point of benefit/ idea of self that in no way can be sustainable if one is walking down the road of Self-Honesty. 

 

An aspect that I’ve lived for the most part of my life is precisely this: show no weakness = live strength as an Idea of Self- in order to seem ‘immovable.’ But when this strength is based on being ‘on guard’ to any form of attack, then it is not real strength but just defensive mechanisms stemming from fear.  As we know, nothing that is energy based can survive as an actual integral living-of-words within myself. The outflow is precisely this point wherein we try and cover things up nicely. As I write this I can talk about my grandfather and how he would hide his huge financial crisis that took him to lots of debt after having had quite his own piece of heaven so to speak. One would always see him being what you can call ‘political’ about it, even when he was sick, he’d behave as if everything was just fine, a small bump on the road here and there, nothing to worry about, while at the same time we all knew things weren’t alright.  And the same with my parents, I guess it’s a protection mechanism to hide when things are actually not going well and I see that we have conditioned ourselves to always ‘look at the bright side’ and look all around or anywhere else but straight forward to speak things as they are. That would piss me off:  what are they hiding from me? why can’t they look at me in the eyes when they speak? And this would be applied to virtually anyone. However, I had not realized I’ve been living the exact  same point wherein I try and cover up any actual fears with a false sense of strength and certainty, which later on becomes only so much one can deal with till it’s no longer able to be ‘sustainable’ as a living-word = me being actually IT and all of it done to  ‘save my ass’ in any regard.

 

This works temporarily in a system wherein if you have a great presentation, you can get cool attention and consideration from others as a sellable item– but if we are talking about self honesty which means realizing the truth of ourselves for ourselves/ by ourselves/ toward ourselves, even that ability to stand as such point in the system requires one to first be fully certain of what an actual strength is as an actual living truth of oneself, which cannot be measured by anything that I have been before as any form of ‘props’ within the system as that is the usual role that I have played for a long time as part of preprogrammed personalities and characters I got characterize throughout my life.

 

All of this came up when reviewing the word intelligence and ‘being responsible’ and how I pretty much disliked being called that while going through school, because I didn’t want to be reduced to being this single brain that apparently thinks and gets everything alright. This egotistical trait lead me to seek other ways in which I could be ‘regarded’ as special, unique or someone liking me for ‘who I really am’ – but, did I know what I really am then? No, do I have an idea of what I really am now? yes If I define myself as a physical living being that exists as part of a whole that is in the process of aligning this entire ‘me’ that I’ve been as all the ego-trips and willing to stand as an equal being to everything and all in order to support myself as life –  this implies no lie sustained by the past system of false values can exist within me = all of the ‘me’ as any apparent positive trait must go.

 

So, within this point of conflict between being sincere/ genuine or actually live the words  I speak, create a sense of glib self experience we all know is part of the building blocks of a façade we keep up in order to survive, it’s just like people presenting an image of success to pretend that everything is under control / I am perfectly normal and okay, thank you – I would get pissed off at people playing out these characters  without realizing to what extent I was playing the game as well. A common example is virtually any authority-figure representing the ideal of ‘All is under control’ while behind there’s this massive fear running throughout your body because you have actually no clue of what the fuck you really are doing  – then why keeping this ideal? Survival of our own fittest-ideal of ego in a dog eat dog world that we’ve all accepted and allowed.

 

This is a common experience at times when having to face an authority – parents, teachers, mentors, the ‘law,’ people you owe something to, people that show some ‘respect’ to you in any regard – all of this that we play in between our daily interactions keeps a masquerade in front of us as if ‘nothing bad happened’ – this is the actual disingenuous definition of who we have become: pretending all is well, but how can it be if Nothing in this world is working as an actual force of benevolence that is able to support all human beings, No one in this world is living up to the standards of what caring for one another as equals in fact implies in all possible ways, no governmental or financial systems are working to regard all living beings as having equal right to live in dignity, no belief system has ever proposed a solution for this world that could provide actual love and care for every single living being in this planet, No scientific discovery or human knowledge has ever been able to explain why we simply don’t care about each other. Then how could we Not feel insincere and fake if everything we’ve been thus far has been founded upon these lies we bought and sold?

 

We keep a presentation as if everything was fine, good, so/so going while in fact, everyone’s having their own little hell inside that is being feared to be faced. Why don’t we just open up? Out of fear of presenting ourselves as something/ someone that is not ‘as good as the rest’ –but, it’s rather ludicrous to keep up to each other’s lies considering the amount of stress, worry, anxiety, petrification this single realization causes.

 

So, why do we suppress ourselves and keep a glib personality, pretending something that we know is all lies? Is it only to benefit our egos and save our reputation somehow? a Reputation that has been built according to a social conditioning that supports nothing but lies to be liked by others that have also been conditioned to buying lies, reducing life to a single paper of abilities and skills that can be sold to the greatest bidder? Reducing all we’ve been to the amount of money in our bank accounts? Reducing the physicality that we are to a single image that can be attractive to others for sex? Is that living?

No

Then why are we hiding from actually speaking things as they are and keep a ‘good sellable self image’? Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of ending up being seen as crazy, fear of failure, fearing being a loser, lunatic, hypocritical, selfish, self centered, dishonest and any other word that we’ve created out of the same consciousness that we have limited ourselves by.

This means that we can only create a form of conflict within ourselves according to ‘who we are’ if we still take such ‘who we are’ as an irreversible form of existence that we have to bear as our cross with no ability to change. That is certainly partly true, since the consequences of whatever we’ve lived while being in character are already here and having to be faced – but we certainly can walk a process to align ourselves through walking a process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to instead let go of striving between the poles of the good and the bad, hiding our actual self from Ourselves and in such process, taking responsibility for the massive fear we have inflicted upon our physical bodies, the truth and reality of what we’ve become while accumulating only worry, concern, anxiety and a general stress because of knowing ‘we’re bulshitting ourselves and everyone else, and not knowing ‘how to follow through’ once this is discovered and realized. Well there is a solution. 

 

How I see it is as if we are building up these bubbles around us sustained by air  itself that can also be destroyed by air itself which means they are as flimsy as all the thoughts we’ve tried to live out as ‘who we are,’ invisible entities that we’ve given our actual lives to, which is rather ludicrous and paradoxical: giving the real life away to live these characters of self limitation through pretentious ideas of self that ‘sell well’ in the market, which we’ve then externalized as our financial bubbles within which our entire ‘lives’ are dependent upon. Why is this? Again, peer-pressure, social-pressure, ‘filling the role’ the best way possible. I’ve caught myself many times projecting this judgment toward people in general, but, it is time I take the point back to self and investigate myself playing out the same role just to keep up with what one is supposed to ‘keep up with’ as a form of reputation/ consideration, which again, falls within the same social conditions of ‘who am I supposed to be’ toward others and how one is able to fall for chasing the presentation without really following through with the actual living of it – just like any nice words we might say, but how many times we don’t end up actually living it? Or creating an idea of having everything ‘under control’ but not really knowing how to take the wheel and drive?

 

What happens with suppressions is the more we hide, the more things pile up, accumulate to a bigger conflict only because of holding an inner-perspective of who we are as such conflict and how we should handle it, which again is usually falling onto the same ‘control measures’ based upon fear, not actual Self-Understanding of How one created the entire ‘ball of snow’ in the first place.

If one is not absolutely self honest, fire eventually catches up on you and from there, only consequences must be faced, walked as a starting from zero point in order to see what was based upon being mere ‘froth’ which sounds like ‘fraud’ and how one can align it into a real physical living integration as part of the integrity that one would want to actually live, one that is not based on creating the most ‘sellable persona’ in the social-market of financial bubbles – but a human being that is able to die realizing that one has in fact done, been and become All one can in fact Live as a certainty of self as ‘who I really am’ in order to dedicate oneself fully and completely to do what’s best for all, to support self to be an actual example of what that means in all ways – am I currently that? No way,  there is so much to walk and align until there is not a single inkling of conflict with who I am, what I say, what I do and why I do it and all as in everyone else stand within one integral principle: an expression of self as one and equal –because, as the saying goes: no one is free until All Is Free.

 

This is one of the reasons why one can experience anxiety when facing mostly people and general situations wherein one’s own stand is questioned. One realizes one has been fucking around and cannot hide the truth any further and as such, anxiety as an intense fear is experienced. This is how if someone spends a considerable amount of time piling up this anguish, stress and anxiety, it is most likely that one then end up believing there’s something ‘really wrong’ with one’s nerves or health or whatever – but, what we don’t realize is that we have all created this ourselves, by our own thoughts, by our own irresponsibility, by our own false-presentations in order to present a ‘good-doer’ type of persona – but, now that we are aware of the Evil as the human nature that we actually are, is there any way to in fact be able to be ‘good’ in this world, as we have conditioned our own ‘good’ to be about within a system where life is being sold and denied to those who have No Money at all? No.

 

Hence, in order to align ourselves to a sound living experience, one has to face the idea of self and why it was kept ‘up’ within such a positive light, for what purpose, what do we exactly fear losing as the unsubstantial ego that we’ve become. For what? for who? what is ‘in it’ for us? what were we attempting to gain?

 

So, a suggestion I that if you reading this in any way believe in the end of the world, you give yourself the opportunity to give an end to the old world that we’ve kept ‘alive’ by the tips of our tongues every time that we speak just to create a cover up of our actual experiences that we even hide from ourselves, ending up fooling ourselves and living an inner conflict wherein one believes that ‘I don’t know who I really am’ and everything seems fuzzy and foggy, nothing ‘making any sense anymore’ which is just another ESC personality as another attempt to try and avoid facing the outflow of actually fearing to see the truth of ourselves: we’ve tried too hard to ‘make it’ but how can we ‘make it’ in a world founded upon lies?

 

So these are the points to explore, most humbling I can say wherein as I’ve agreed to define this: learning from one’s mistakes and walking the correction to align oneself to an actual living that I can stand by not only as words or a particular ‘idea of self’ that won’t last, but actual living-actions that are in fact a physical alignment to living, doing, becoming what’s best for all – not just goody-god-doer glib talk.

 

I’ve walked this process to get to a point of Self Honesty and this is what I’ll continue working on based on the points explained within this post, so, walk with to get to a point of sanity to create ourselves as actual living beings that are ‘Real’ in the physical sense of the word, no more upgrading personalities to avoid catching up on fire, but be able to stand here, absolutely unwavering from having faced our own inner demons as the ‘hidden corridors’ and dark corners of our mind and as such stand as an actual integrity that we all can in fact cultivate as a self-forgiveness process of everything that we owe to ourselves as life.

 

If you want to begin testing out for yourself this, Go ahead:

  • Desteni Lite ProcessTry it out for Free – No compromises other than committing yourself to support yourself through writing and daring to face who you are as the totality of the lies we have become – and as I said sometime ‘exposing our minds is the least thing we can do in this twisted world’ – we are the twisted ones, not the world, so we align to the world instead.
  • Desteni Forum
  • Desteni I Process
  • Equal Money System so that our LIVES are no longer compromised in a system of Lies
  • Read our Journey to Life blogs

I am lying and you know it. And I Know it…

 

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