Tag Archives: procrastination

458. Physical Support: Sharing Feedback

Or What have I been focusing on in relation to assisting and supporting my physical body?

I realize that I have not yet shared some of the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points (according to my mind) that I do test out and apply in my day to day related to physical movement and support.

There’s so much understanding about who we are in our minds and how we essentially handicap ourselves through experiences that we accept and allow, that essentially we can challenge ourselves in every move, as minute as it can be, and testing this out in terms of how much we limit ourselves in our self-movement for example based on notions of tiredness, or plain laziness as in ‘leaving something for later’ when in fact, who we are as the body is always ‘ready’ and ‘stable’ and ‘running’ as in being processing and living, doing all we need to keep ourselves alive, while we are at a conscious level very unaware of it all.  I’ve taken so much of my body for granted for a long time and I am becoming more inclined to focus more on it, considering that I am one of those persons that believes ‘I am not in contact with my body’ or ‘cannot perceive the changes that food creates in it’ or ‘can’t identify the state in which my body is’ – but, lately, this has been changing bit by bit.

I’ll share some examples of testing things out more at a physical level in terms of physical support. I’ve  challenged myself for now over a year and a half to start jogging, which is something I truly thought I was just not meant to do/not capable of doing at all, and I did the whole thing of starting small, bit by bit building the condition, the consistency, the direction that is required to also get to jog which is early in the morning which means creating a discipline to wake up early and start exercising and being directive instead of giving into ‘tiredness’ or just plain laziness.  One thing I’ve recently noticed is that I had wanted my condition to develop ‘faster’ like not getting tired at all while jogging, or not getting any muscle pains after jogging or exercising – but this still comes up and in referencing these points, there is this patience that exists in developing a condition, not ‘waiting’ for a particular experience at some point around it, but just doing it, while also keeping an eye on how my body goes responding to it.

And I have been testing many things on how my body fluctuates in this condition based on ‘the time of the month’ and based on the foods that I take, based on the amount of sleep, shoes, weather… lots of things that can create a variable in my experience when exercising, though I did notice that I had been too ‘pushy’ at times with doing it every single day and even if noticing that maybe I’d like some ‘day off’ in some periods of time, I just didn’t give myself/my body this time off and so what started happening recently is that my ‘time frame’ of jogging became more, meaning I was going slower and having more and more pains in the body therefore feeling the whole jog time as a really ‘hard time.’

After I reference this experience, I realized I did ‘kind of knew’ deep inside me that: hey maybe you have to slow down a bit with doing this every single day and instead give the body a rest – but here, I imposed my discipline (my mind) upon my body in this idea that I had to do it ‘every single day’, which means I wasn’t really listening to the pain in the body related to ‘doing it every day’ and considering a more supportive schedule for it.

So, I cross-referenced this and got to consider not doing it ‘every day’ but one day jogging and one day off and so forth – and I got to see the difference quite noticeably which was a very cool lesson here to see how yes my body stands as that resilience, that ability to ‘keep going’ but, I also have to stand as that  equilibrium, that ‘measure’ where I don’t push myself ‘more’ than what I can physically stand and so also listening to/considering my physical body in this, which in my case and my physical body means not ‘overdoing’ something to follow my mind’s notion of discipline, but to Listen to my body as well and not take the pains as just something that ‘will always be there.’ And this is just the beginning of this process of re-adjusting ‘my ways’ imposed to exercising, but decided to share so as to not wait until I have walked this point for another year and a half to share the results, because I had not even shared in a blog about this process of starting to jog for the first time as part of a daily exercise routine which I still have to normalize in terms of the recent discoveries around it. Possibly one day jogging, the other day just stretching and or resting completely and then jogging again the next day, will see.

Here, it might seem ‘easy’ for anyone familiar with exercise or sports to make a decision like this, but to me, I always ‘disliked’ sports and jogging around was like a penitence in school, so it’s been definitely awesome to see how I can stand as a point of self-movement and actually MOVE as my body, to persevere in that decision as well that I’ve made which I of course have to admit hasn’t always been ‘immovable’  as there’s been full weeks I haven’t gotten to do the jogging wherein the reason can vary – the time of the month, some minor physical discomfort, ‘being more tired’ which has to do with the mind entirely and so sorting that aspect out –  but I also don’t judge myself because that only creates a pit of regret of which is difficult to step out, but instead simply make a clear decision at night ‘going at it again tomorrow’ and so, live the words: do the waking up in the morning, start with stretching and then off we go to the track in the park. This is one seemingly simple ‘discipline’ but, it has assisted me quite a bit with pushing my own beliefs and boundaries on having a ‘bad condition’ or ‘not the kind of body that is suitable for running’ or ‘having a weak heart’ and all sorts of beliefs I also contributed to build throughout my life, which I mostly fueled in order to escape physical education class lol, and other social situations like going to hikings and things like that because I believed I would not be able to endure it, which was yes also a case but probably had to do with developmental years or something.

So, this has been also a process of testing out my ‘endurance’ in my body. I also continue to test out what foods work for my body, and definitely more than interested to learn to read my body more, to become more physically aware because I had neglected myself quite a lot in giving more value to the mind and not at all to myself, my body, the substance that is here as this whole ‘thing’ that allows me to breathe, live and be here, that one constant ‘companion’ as me that continues to stand and breathe and do all of its processes regardless of how I might feel in my head… and this is something to acknowledge and honor as the physical body and so, it’s been a commitment for me to not follow the usual trends where people ‘grow older’ and start also growing bigger, but instead to challenge that to a point that is suitable for my body and within this learning to honor and care for my body, not for appearance sake, but to be ‘fit’ as in functional, in good health and condition which is an inner and outer process that I can give to myself and can relate to the time and process it takes to cook meals for myself that I can enjoy, that I can also do for my partner and both have been paying a lot more attention to this whole health aspect for the sake of considering our physical body, which has been very supportive.  I see this as a ‘no brainer’ to focus on as well in my day to day living.

Another point we’ve been testing for probably half a year now is to massage every day, yep! I always saw this as impossible like ‘yeah come on, how can that be done!’ but fortunately my partner is quite the diligent man when he proposes to do something, so he’s been quite directive in this mutual support and making the schedule/time for it, even in times when it’s been one of those ‘long days’ we might shorten it to a back massage instead of a full body massage, but needless to say that this is also a daily test for me to see ‘who am I’ and ‘Where am I’ while massaging and it’s been really great to see how there was a ton of resistances to move to do the massage, of course! We like to receive isn’t it? But when it came to me, man, I did have to push myself until we continued to discuss this presence that we have to be and stand as while massaging, not focusing on ‘something else’ but moving, moving as the body, as that support that we want to give to ourselves as each other. So, this consistency in daily massage has been yet another awesome physical point of support to develop consistency, to the point where it is only now I’d say becoming a lot more physical and ‘natural’ if you will to do so, to make it part of the routine of the day which also proves that doing/building/creating something in physical reality and making it ‘the new me’ as ‘our new nature’ takes time.

Massaging has also been extremely supportive in terms of the relationship, having that moment to come together and assist our physical bodies and definitely has assisted in those days as well where there were moments of disagreements or misunderstandings where that becomes the physical point of confronting each other and in essence walk a forgiveness and laying out things clear while massaging and wrapping up the day in that decision to support each other in the massage. It has also been a great way to initiate sex as well, which I’ve also found out many times I still get the notion of ‘naaah not now’ but I also then have been testing this point of physically moving, physically making that decision to express and voilà, it works, absolutely. And these thus have been moments where I have been definitely applying myself in deciding ‘who am I’ in these very physical activities that I would usually as per habit  still bring some laziness or procrastination around it.

So these things are one of the more ‘physical’ aspects in my process yet have had a clear support to myself, my body and in this case my relationship as well since we are both on the same track when it comes to assisting our bodies, learning how to eat better and I have to say that I have learned a lot from his consistency and diligence in his own routines and ways, which I take as an example to do the same and stand equal to what I see he’s being capable of following through with. So, it’s a great set of pointers to integrate to one’s relationship as well, physical activities and physical body care, along with obviously the mind processing that goes with it, very, very fulfilling and assisting ‘real time’ with real challenges that sure, can be met with ‘resistance’ initially but the trick is to keep breathing, keep ‘going’ and that’s where I’ve seen how I can stand as these words that the physical body represents to me, which is for now very much geared in this self-movement and pushing some previously-imposed boundaries/limitations onto myself and so my body.  This awareness and process at a physical level is also only one of the outflows of walking the Desteni Process where one does not only integrate realizations at a mind level, but is then able to live them through at a physical level in the seemingly ‘small details’ of our day to day lives. I’m forever grateful to have done this rotund change in my ‘lifestyle’ with this process Sonrisa

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193. Self Motivation – Self Movement

To read the entire Procrastination character walked thus far, visit

162. Either Do it or DIE « MarlenLife’s Blog

I’ll be writing self forgiveness on the specific points that lead to procrastination which have to do with the motivation aspects to ‘move’ and ‘do things’ in our reality, wherein if it’s not based on earning a reward/ there being something for us as a ‘positive experience,’ we simply don’t direct ourselves / don’t do what is required to be done.

And this is how it all started:

I had a dream wherein I had applied for a job at a record store, and I was given a certain schedule that I of course had to cover. However I was rather entertained in my reality with something else, I remember I was interacting or moving around with people and as such when the time came for me to go cover my job schedule, I simply decided not to go and the reason in this case was because ‘I didn’t require the money,’ thus I experienced this absolute laxity toward the point of responsibility simply because I was not being guided by survival to do it, which is something that I can see is related to the motivation/ motive-factor as that energetic point that acts like a crutch for me to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having procrastinated things because there is no positive reward/ money in it as a point of incentive that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn is the only reason why I should ‘move’ and do things within my reality – furthermore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this very same thinking pattern, believe that because I won’t be making money out of my career, then ‘what is the point of being a ‘licensed pro’ at it?’ without realizing that in both cases, my procrastination and deliberate neglect toward this final examination point is showing how I have been used to only moving myself if there is some positive reward/ money and/or future benefit from it, without realizing that this is actually a system requirement and as such it is part of finishing what I begun and getting the actual paper that will certify all the years that I did spend in school, which is a point within the system that is definitely required to be walked and to obtain.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I require some positive incentive in order to commit myself to my tasks, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to move and direct myself within the consideration of such task/ activity being in the best interest of all, which includes that which I believe would only ‘benefit me’ such as a career, without realizing that this is a point required by the system in order to validate the years spent in school – thus it is not a matter of preference, but a requisite in order to validate myself within the system.

 

I commit myself to be my own motivation regarding all points that I decide to participate in as an opportunity for me to expand myself in my world and reality and within this, also walking any resistance toward anything bureaucratic in nature, such as final papers/ examinations and protocols at an academic level, which is how I commit myself to simply breathe through it, get to do the necessary contacts and arrangements and get it done.

 

The stagnation and deliberate shoving away of responsibilities is part of this point. I’ve lost the ‘fear’ to not do things and within this, I have self sabotaged myself extensively, simply because all the ‘discipline’ that I had lived was in fact only based on fear and keeping up a reputation that in my mind, I could not ‘afford’ to spoil for one second.

When the characters were identified, in my mind I created this point of laxity toward responsibilities, like literally only doing it at the last moment and essentially justifying it – foolishly enough – with me no longer acting out of fear to get things done, but ‘testing my waters’ in relation to my own ‘self-movement’ once that such fear is apparently non existent. And I say ‘apparently’ because it is quite obvious how I actually only turned the tables and went to the opposite of being the ‘on time responsible one’ to be a deliberate procrastinator one. This was all done consciously/ me being aware of it, and the only point that I can see has factored into it is this ‘force’ wherein I have opted to simply give myself away to it and continue placing things aside, postponing it all simply because I don’t perceive such points getting done within a matter of life or death. This reveals to what extent we have only moved when there is either a positive or negative reward and in my case, in the dream, the ‘record store job’ I had always kept in the past as this ‘dream like job’ – even if I am now aware it is not ‘dream-like’ at all – as something that I would do out of pleasure and that was going to apparently only be like an extended hobby. So, in the dream when it came to actually cover my hours, I decided to simply not go and take it as lightly as possible, simply because there was no point ‘behind’ it that was pushing me to do it, to move.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see money/ fame/ good life as a motivation to move in my reality and the moment that such motivation is no longer ‘here,’ I stopped caring about my career and getting to the last tip of it even knowing that I had to do it anyways – thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move when and as there is money involved in what I commit myself to do/ act and direct in terms of responsibilities/ studies within the system.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a prey of my own dishonest starting point for studying a career as within the impetus of going for it for a personal benefit, once that personal benefit is no longer a point sought within me within this career, I stopped caring about it all and in this, going into a cycle of just walking through it without any actual direction to use the point and opportunity to expand myself in my world, as after all, it was my decision made at all times to study what I studied – thus, I take responsibility for my words, my decisions, my life and stopped believing that ‘I must do this for the system’ but do it for myself, as the starting point of all that I do.

 

When and as I see myself requiring a reason outside of myself to do things, I stop and I breathe –  I realize that this has been a point of self-sabotage most of the times as within having a reason to do things outside of myself implies that I am not being the directive principle of the task, but doing it ‘for something/ for someone.’ Thus

 

I commit myself to be the starting point of everything that I do in the consideration of the requirements that I have to participate in/ complete as part of this world system, as well as the consideration of me doing this as a practical action and direction to see how it is possible to direct oneself without being motivated by external factors of either a positive  (money/ recognition) charge or negative charge (fear of not having a license in the system/ fear of wasting my studies) as I see and realize that at all times, all tasks to be done imply a point of self-movement: what is best for all as best for myself within the consideration of my own commitment to do and participate in that which I have agreed to work and participate in as part of my responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use reasoning as excuses and justifications which is knowledge and information in order to not do things based on my ‘wants/ needs/ desires’ wherein the moment there is no ‘positive incentive’ to move, I simply don’t move and relegate the point aside as if it was actually not important to work with, not realizing that it is not about what I can ‘get’ from it as an experience, but simply realizing: what Must Be Done no matter what – and in this, I stop seeking for a ‘reason’ to do it, and instead become my own self-willed direction to do it, without having anyone or anything in the background of my head as a reason to ‘push through’ as this would be separation and only lead to further cycles of ‘reasoning’ why I would rather just continue Not doing it and leave he point without any direction.

 

When and as I see myself reasoning why I should not do a task – I stop and I breathe – I bring the point here as what it physically entails, the consequences that doing it and not doing it in reality are and stick to this practical outflow of my decisions, instead of weighing my decisions based on the values that I’ve given to such task as a point of preference and the level of ‘uselessness’ that I’ve guarded toward acquiring a professional title within being an artist.

 

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself based on knowledge and information toward the tasks to be done, and I actually realize that it is only a moment of standing up and taking responsibility for what I had agreed upon studying and finishing it till it is done. Those were my words when I begun, and those are the actions I have to live.

I realize that the most prominent point within this procrastination point was also the extensive judgment toward my own choices for a career and within this, seeing such final title/ paper/ license as equally useless, which then became this whole ‘uselessness’ experience toward it, wherein I deliberately placed it aside, just the same way that in the dream I thought of the job as ‘not necessary’ and simply deciding to ‘not go to my job and remain with what I have.’

 

I commit myself to to stop assessing what I do based on the ‘investment value’ that I have given to all things in my life, wherein even if it is a point of responsibility if I am not considering it at face value/ according to my personal interests as something ‘important’ then I simply not do it, without realizing that If I applied the same reasoning to all things in my reality, and all beings acted the same way, it would only create a replica of the world we have today, wherein each one is only seeking after our personal interests while neglecting everything else as ‘non of my business/ not my ‘responsibility’’  – within this

 

I commit myself to understand that Self Responsibility is Not selective and that I cannot ‘choose’ what I apply myself with and what not – it is about a principle of committing myself to certain responsibilities and walking through them till it is done.

 

So, the key words here are Self Movement and Self Will – again, which have become the pillars of the realizations in the past wherein I would get ‘stuck’ within something even within writing and not writing everyday in the past, and how I had to deliberately get myself out of the loop not by an external motivation but, as a realization that I had to continue writing as a proof to myself that nothing and no one can motivate me to support myself, but myself and that way I can stand as my own authority.

 

I realize that in the Equal Money System, we won’t require to go through points like getting ‘credentials’ for money either or survival – thus this is a point to train myself to move without an incentive and realizing this point as part of the responsibilities acquired within the ability to have a career/ having studied.

 

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192. The Reasoning behind Procrastination

The end of the character – the beginning of new points.

Conclusions and new beginnings within the Procrastination Character

 

So, here is a consideration. Procrastination and various realizations were walked while working on this series of blogs – however I realize that it is useless unless I walk it, and that’s a general consideration with all of our writings within Self Forgiveness, that it is not a magic wand, it is actually getting to know the pattern in such detail that we can only continue fooling ourselves to Not live out the corrections we’ve specified here.

Another aspect I can see is how Self Forgiveness is not about now pumping our ‘spirits’ and creating a willingness to do so based on energy as a positive-attitude toward it, as that can eventually down-grade to the downhill experience toward it – thus I realize that every point of correction that I walk must be an actual integration of the correction as a habit, as a pattern that I can stand as without any ‘effort’ or ‘impetus’ stemming with an energetic surge to ‘do it’ which can downfall in the ‘not wanting to do it’ and within that, we could only get back to our drawing board to see, okay, what have I missed?

In my case, I’ve realized that there are Many points that opened up with this character, since it’s been virtually a progressive point that I left behind/ delbierately postponed in looking at the ‘postponement character’ as I’ve explained which entails that there is an aspect that I was Not willing to face within myself. And this is where I lead myself to, the character extraction of postponement/procrastination inevitably leads me to see what is it in fact that I am resisting to look at, what am I exactly doing to myself, why am I doing this even if I KNOW/ knew all the way that it is not what I had planned/ meant to do.

Now, looking into these aspects that I was not willing to open up is not a ‘piece of cake’ because

1. I was only thinking too much about it but not looking into myself and writing about it, applying self forgiveness and self corrective application to make sense of myself, which is the point that cannot be side-viewed when we see ourselves stepping into this wobbly ground wherein we Believe that we are ‘superior to our mind’ and we can just figure it out/ sort out the point in our minds without actually walking it/ writing it/ applying the corrections.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think too much about what I had to do without actually assisting and supporting me to write the point out and follow through it within a practical application of self-forgiveness, because I wanted to ‘sort it out’ myself within the belief that I could just ‘stop it’ in one moment and be through it without any further hesitation, which is an indication of ego trying to ‘sort it out in one go’ without realizing that the moment that a point has not been directed in a long time and it is still ‘here’ as a point that has not been moved, it requires immediate attention and direction in order to support myself, as I see and realize that trying to ‘make up my mind’ about it is really covering up/ disguising/ make-up excuses and justifications for not doing something and further procrastinating it. Thus

 

When and as I see myself thinking that I can easily ‘sort out’ a point within my mind, which has been going on for an extended period of time – I stop and I breathe – I flag point immediately this ‘brushing off’ attitude wherein I realize that I must take the point ‘by the horns’ so to speak, in order to not further grow the ‘calamity’ and as such, take he responsibility of my own inactions/ actions to investigate what is going on with me, why am I simply not directing myself effectively within one point in my reality, what are the thoughts, the experiences, the backchat behind it? As I see and realize that the more it s procrastinated the more it will be fueled by a negative experience toward it, eventually building it as a fortress that I will simply have to debunk/ deconstruct anyways as there is no-way I can escape from my responsibility, no matter what.

 

I commit myself to assist and support me to immediately look at a point that I’ve been deliberately ‘leaving around’ to no look at it/ not face the point, as I see and realize that this is just part of the resistances that I have to get to know how I created and why have I simply not looked into them, which is an indication of me having to look at myself and walk the necessary process of self correction without further procrastination.

 

2. I was trying to ‘make sense’ of my procrastination through a positive-perspective toward it, such as what I’ve explained within the previous points wherein I would place a positive-experience or deemed ‘positive task’ to do instead of doing this particular task/ project without comparing it to other tasks in my reality – within this,  not wanting to actually look at what was in fact the resistance to work on this document, what was it all about and how I could practically ‘do something about it’ which is obviously first: getting to know myself and the entire ‘case’ I made out of this project/ writing that I have to do and then actually walking the correction .

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and justify/ excuse and most importantly validate my procrastination based on having ‘other tasks to do’ that I have deemed as ‘more important’ and within this excuse, wanting to justify my deliberate neglect toward other tasks in my reality that I see and realize will ‘not go away’ and that I have to actually walk through them and direct myself to take responsibility for them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify a resistance experienced toward writing based on having ‘better things to do’ and within this always making it ‘alright’ in my mind to not get to the task at hand, which is the easy-positive thinking that I would indulge in to always remain with a ‘positive score’ within me, even if I knew that I was not properly giving direction and directing myself toward all things that I have to do/ work on in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to validate, excuse and justify a point of procrastination with ‘better things to do/ more valuable things/ more important things in my reality’  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this value-schemes are part of my own creation in order to relegate the task that is part of my professional career to a ‘second point’ in my reality, without considering that it is a priority and it is in fact as important as any other task that I have committed myself to within the principle of assisting and supporting myself within this process in my reality and within the network of support that we represent and are.

 

I commit myself to give myself direction in an equal basis/ manner to all points in my reality and within this, stopping the value-scheme toward tasks wherein there are no ‘less important’ tasks or ‘more important’ tasks – but remain equal and consistent within my application in all aspects of my reality.

 

3. I wasn’t willing to recognize that what is “natural” to us is all aspects that lead us to self-sabotage and always create a point of conflict to not be able to function properly in our lives, and this is just because of who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become based on  the mind and trying to remain within a ‘winning situation’ at all times while no action is being taken upon All aspects of who we are within our reality – among other various variables that are yet to be explored.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and make sense to why I was procrastinating with excuses and validations as previously mentioned, without actually investigating what is it that is actually leading me to self-sabotage, what is it that I am in fact not looking at/ identifying within me to give myself proper direction within this point.

 

When and as I see myself facing a ‘wall’ within looking at the reason/ processing behind an aspect of my reality that I am not able to ‘pinpoint’ as to why I am not moving within it – I stop and I breathe – I first of all ask myself: what am I preventing me to see within myself that is leading me to deliberately sabotage myself and my decisions? And if there is no clear answer, then I assist and support myself with asking questions to others that are also walking this process as us Destonians are able to always give ourselves a perspective that we would have most likely not considered/ not being willing to look at, which is how within the dimension of self-support must at all times be considered in order to not just try and ‘figure it all out’ ourselves – as outlined in point number 1 – and instead, accept and allow the support that is available in gratefulness.

 

I commit myself to ask for support and assistance and allow myself to get further perspectives when facing a point that I cannot simply ‘make sense of’ by only writing about it and not really understanding ‘why’ we are doing things to ourselves, as we can be missing out an important aspect that we might not be looking at because of and due to the extent we have become the pattern in itself, which is how and why buddying/ assistance and support at Desteni is all about: allowing ourselves to be supported by others within the principle of us being living the point of supporting ourselves unconditionally as well.

 

4. Another point I realized is how one underlying aspect of this all is wanting to ‘serve others/ be there as support for others’ and missing out this basic point of self support for Myself. This is what I will begin with on the following posts to come, to see where this personality of the helper/ good person/ supportive person has lead me to self compromise when not walking in an equilibrium between my ‘supportive role’ and my own personal-support as in walking the responsibilities that I have within my world that are not linked toward my own process however are absolutely Part of Process as it is part of my reality and the points that I am walking within my life in this world.

And here’s where that Jesuit school motto comes to mind ‘Ser para los demás’ = ‘To be/ Being For Others’ – which is  essentially missing out oneself and then yes, it’s like ‘awesome, you are of ‘great support’ for others but, where’s your own self-support and self responsibility within your world?’ Self’s application must be Equal in all ways and I cannot give more to be something for ‘others’ but rather stand as an example of being the support I want for myself and that I can give to others and as such, give it back to myself. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate my own responsibilities based on wanting to rather ‘support others/ be there for others’ and within this, missing out my own priorities and responsibilities which I see and realize that it is actually stemming from wanting to ‘do good to others’ while creating an actual physical space-time consequences due to me using the point of supporting others as an excuse to not get to my own responsibilities in my reality. Thus

 

When and as I see myself making the decision to rather do this/that which is based on supporting others/ being ‘there for others’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that as long as this support of ‘being there for others’ stems from a point of wanting to help/ support to be a ‘good person’ and use this as an excuse to not get to my responsibilities, it is actually an unacceptable way of supporting as I am missing out myself and furthermore creating further excuses as how it is ‘better’ to support others because it makes me feel ‘better’ than just doing a task for an institution, wherein it is common sense that all aspects of my reality are equally important and equally priority within this process wherein everything that I commit myself to do will be based on self-responsibility in all aspects/ points in my reality.

I commit myself to equalize my application in all aspects of my reality wherein no point is less or more important as I realize that all commitments I make are equally important within my reality and my development as a person that is able to be self responsible in all aspects/ ways which is the decision one makes when standing up for life and the creation of an actual better world for ourselves.

 

So, the procrastination character has now morphed into looking at the ‘game played’ while procrastinating, and that’s the nitty-gritty aspects that I commit myself to open up in the following posts.

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190. Author of my Consequences

Procrastination: Consequences – Do not ask for something / be exigent about something that I have not lived and given to myself unconditionally.

I realize that I have been playing out this point in relation to procrastination and a general desire for things to be just ‘perfect’ and running smoothly all the time so that ‘I’ can feel good about it/ have no worries and generally best for all, which would be common sensical if I was in fact living that out absolutely as myself. The question is: am I? And in absolute Self Honesty I can say: nope.

 

Now, this reminds me of parents, how they want their kids to be this beautiful (hellish) creations, asking them and being exigent about things that they haven’t lived themselves/ they haven’t probably ever lived BUT want their children to play out to become like a trophy that they can feel proud of – but, have they been a living example of everything they’re asking to their children? No. And I see I am doing the same with others, asking them to essentially have everything done ‘as I see it must be done’ however, am I actually in fact able to stand as an absolute authority of myself in this moment – not completely, this single point of procrastination that I’ve walked – that I’ve accepted and allowed – has affected in my ability to stand absolute to my words, since one single point that is not in alignment to the totality of what I’m walking certainly creates ‘ripple effects’ on everything else – and this is part of the consequences, wherein I see and realize that one single point that I deliberately allow to grow and not direct creates this suppressed anxiety, hiding it with further points to ‘take care of’ within me, but not necessarily having directed me to take this point on, which is ludicrous since it is one of the basic aspects to walk in this process: work with what is occupying your mind in order to give it direction. And this, well it did occupy my mind but would immediately cover up and sugar coat with something else.

 

The reason for doing that is simple: my image/ reputation could not be obfuscated with me having to expose a major point of procrastination – however, was that actually in order to ‘save my ego’ and image/ reputation toward others or was it in the end just a very unnecessary timeloop that I –alone– would have to face eventually and give it direction? Well, the second point is what really IS in fact and how every time that we place ‘others’ or the ‘who we are’ at the eyes of others in front of our application is dishonest, and that walking this process such dishonesties must get to the surface to face them for what they are, get some oxygen in order to ventilate it – lol – and then see that all the accumulated energy that created the patterns of suppressed anxiety and guilt and remorse are simply further add-ons to the procrastination character that become like this consuming monster that we feed everyday that we only Think about things we have to do but don’t do them.

 

A physical consequence is yes, pain in the back as a burden as well as having to deal with physical real-time events wherein I have to now arrange my schedule to get to all points necessary.

 

In the end I can only take my own words and say it to myself: In the end, you do it to yourself – and within this it is to see that the law of stupidity/ stupidity loops can only be stopped by me practically stopping them, correcting the pattern and that’s it.

 

So, here I walk the Self Forgiveness on Abdicating my Authority the moment I participate in the Procrastination Character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility that I have toward myself, my words and deeds as the congruency that I have intended to live and that I accepted and allowed to be half-assed/ done in a middle term because of my desire to only do that which I prefer doing/ that which I have valued as ‘more important in my life,’ without realizing that in this I am placing a value-system to the points I have committed myself to do and apply, which is not acceptable since I see that this is not a matter of preference or what is ‘more important’ to do when comparing one task to another – it is simply realizing what must be done and within that, give myself the necessary authority to say no to following my desire to only do that which I like and instead, assist and support me to develop a physical habit of doing things without an energetic input to them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to exert authority over others without realizing that it is as such an abusive point when I am doing it from the vantage point of not having lived authority as myself fully and completely – within this it is to realize that I can only be an authority as self when all that I do, think and act upon is standing 100% aligned to that which is best for all, wherein I understand that the moment there is self-interest in the way, we can realize there is an aspect that is not in consonance with an equality-living statement where self-responsible and self-directive individuals work together to establish a world that functions upon principles and not rewards or experiences as the negative or positive upon what is required to be done.

I realize that the point of responsibility extends not only toward myself, but to myself as this entire reality that I am an equal part of, wherein the moment I accept and allow myself to not be my own authority but allow myself to be deviated through the mind’s ‘authority’ I become that ‘plus point’ that continues accepting, allowing and living out the same mistakes of the past, which includes procrastination and apathy toward ourselves and this world as a whole.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own lack of authority toward others and within this, become exigent toward others about something that I have not lived myself fully and completely.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my own ability to be directive at all times due to allowing this procrastination point to diminish everything to a doubtful self-experience, wherein while not being a full-self responsible author of ourselves in our reality, we become ‘less than’ our minds due to having followed our thoughts instead of living self-direction and within this even exacerbate it through time until it gets to a  point where it is no longer sustainable – yet the consequences as time lost/ time spent without giving direction to something is real and here to be faced as a reminder of what are the practical consequences of us abdicating our physical living authority over the mind’s desires, wants and needs that lead me nowhere, but further procrastination.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of self doubt – not trusting myself fully – do to losing my own authority over one single aspect that I made it ‘more’ than what it is, consuming me to the point of seeing it as very difficult to walk through, without realizing that in all of this process I only imagined/ thought/ assumed without actually working on it, which reveals to what extent we become a character and utilize actual physical energy and time in order to perpetuate a single limitation in our minds, which reveals to what extent we have become so used to self-abuse.

 

When and as I see myself missing out on my point of authority as who I am in every moment of breath that I am here and directing myself to do what is required to be done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that self trust and my ability to stand in my two feet immovable, resides within the ability to re-gain this self-directive principle within myself, to no longer accept and allow any form of mind manipulation for me to not give direction to something that is Here to be directed.

 

I commit myself to re-establish my authority as an absolute standing of what I say I will do, regardless of any ‘label’ as preference imposed onto such task/ project/ activity, as I realize that I will only commit myself to that which is in the benefit of all, and in the benefit of me walking through the responsibilities I’ve acquired within the system.

 

I commit myself to re-establish my self-trust and self-will according to my ability to stand up from this, actually work on the points that I haven’t worked on and within that, become my own point of authority that stands as an example of what it is to live the words we commit ourselves to live, within the realization that if I don’t fully live this as myself, it is not only to my own detriment, but as an equal acceptance of what I am willing to perpetuate within this world, which is definitely Not procrastination and abdication of self responsibility any further.

Within this, I see and realize how the seemingly ‘personal’ things that we don’t take responsibility for, are in fact the building blocks of a flawed system as it is the consequence of our flawed participation in it, thus we have to become the example of what an equal-participation in all aspects actually entail. And this is a point to be walked here.

There are some more points to come in relation to self commitments and self corrective statements since I see that there are several points intertwined here – which I will walk in another character to be decided upon SOON – lol

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189. Anger and Irritation upon Procrastination

Consequences – Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and irritation toward myself and ‘the world’ because of my own procrastination and within this, having ‘wasted’ the time that I had when I had it to do this properly and instead, having to now rush things to make them ‘work’  – however I see and realize that I must be very aware of not going into a rushing state wherein I end up doing things just to ‘get them done’ and forgetting about realizing that each thing that I commit myself to do  requires the exact same amount of self-awareness here as breath to do it, and within this, committing myself to not just ‘get things done’ and get the ‘obstacle’ out of the way – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate my life to ‘getting things done’ and seeing the tasks and points that require direction as simple ‘points’ that I have to simply ‘get done and over with it’ without realizing that in this attitude toward my tasks and projects, I am in fact missing out the entire point of the task/ project in itself, which is actually an opportunity for me to slow down, stop seeing life as this series of projects and assignments and instead support me to realize that each and every single task I commit myself to I can take on as long as I am here as breath directing myself in every moment and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the consequential outflow of me now having more tasks to do and having ‘wasted the time’ before, I will have to simply be more strict with myself and my time frames, as I see and realize that if there is this ‘extra thing’ that I have been procrastinating to do, it must be done as soon as possible – and within this equate all things that I have to do appropriately.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the fear of ‘oh fuck I’ll be stuck here for another half year’ without realizing that I am not stuck and I created this for myself – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that any point of pressure and rush is created by me and the relationship I created toward moving to another place and finishing school but at the same time not wanting to simply get the whole thing done with the final paper, which I see and realize that the sabotage is only toward myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger toward myself and within this go into a pessimistic attitude toward it because I will not apparently be able to move in another half year, without realizing that if any consequences have to be faced, I will simply have to face them as they are and as long as it takes because there is no other way within this when one is subject to processes that I have no control over other than doing my part which is getting this document done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get pissed off when things go out of what I have initially considered they would go through/ as,  which implies having created a time frame for some other particular task, without realizing that I should have actually done this one written document long time ago and that it is my responsibility to now ensure that I use every bit of time to get to everything that I have to do, instead of wasting my time getting pissed off and irritated at everything and everyone because of my own dead corpse of procrastination.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience over procrastination as this further anxiety because ‘things are accumulating’ without realizing that I am the only one that is accumulating them as thoughts of what I have to do, instead of just doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others for the decisions made and try and project my own anger and frustration toward me due to not having done the things that I had agreed to do a long time ago.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated because of having had music again the whole fucking day yesterday, wherein I go into a powerless mode because of not being able to go and shut people up so that I can have my peace and quietness to be able to write.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste another day and not write because of considering that the music/ noise from neighbors is absolutely irritating and impossible to write when having that constant sound.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even get irritated at someone arriving home earlier today and within this fearing that the noise will come through the interview and believe that ‘they should not fucking be here’ which is plain control-freak that wants peace and silence in order to please me and my ideals of having a quiet weekend.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with a bad mood today because of things not going as I expected and within this, get irritated at everything, and everyone without considering that I am only acting out and lashing out my own energetic experience of anger and frustration for the accumulated procrastination toward points in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated because of things not being done according to how they were planned and agreed to be done, within this becoming inflexible and irritated because ‘things are not going the way that we decided and agreed to do them,’ without realizing that I am simply using this as an excuse to lash out and project my own irritation because of not having planed my life with my reality-responsibilities in order to be prepared and have everything done by now to then be absolutely ready and steadfast for anything that is required to be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately neglect the consequences that I would have to face in real-time reality based on my procrastination to not get this particular scholar task done and within this, having to postpone everything else that I wanted to do for undefined time in order for me to ensure that I can in fact leave with having everything sorted out.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my own departure based on my own procrastination due to me wanting to leave but at the same time creating deliberate obstacles in my reality that make it impossible for me to leave, even thought everything else is ready and the one that I am only waiting for is myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated at my own deliberate self-sabotage because ‘I knew what I was doing all the way’ and I didn’t stop, which places into perspective the actual Evil that we are and do to ourselves in order to make our lives more complicated simply because of accepting and allowing dishonesty from our side.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss breathing the moment that I simply get knowledge and information as having to ‘rush’ something without considering that any ‘rush’ can only exist as an energetic starting point to do things, which obviously always will carry out a consequences – thus

When and as I see myself rushing to do something and wanting to get it done as fast as possible – I stop and I breathe until I see that I am in fact being here stable and the movement within my physical body is not that of an anxious movement and strain, but is in fact a self-movement here as breath. Within this, realizing that I can only direct one point at a time and that I require to establish a routine that makes it practical and physically possible for me to do every single point every single day – and within this, also not accepting and allowing further manipulation to want to stop doing something to do that other thing, based on preferences or specific values given to one or another task, as I see and realize that that which will become part of my daily schedule, is all equally relevant and important.

 

Within this, I see and realize that the rush that I experienced this morning was because of having an unexpected notice and within this, having my little plans ruined because of believing that I would ‘still have time’ to work on this written project that I have been procrastinating, without realizing that such project should have been done by now and that the only way I will get this done is through simply doing it and stop whining about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of this task this ‘huge’ obstacle in my reality based on and directly proportional to the amount of time I didn’t direct it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the consequences are for myself yes, but also toward everything and all – and that this is actually depending on me and how I am able to stop the energetic experience toward my own procrastination and simply focus on what is required to be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience toward things going ‘out of plan’ without realizing that If I had in fact lived my life according to doing things in the time that I had also ‘planned’ to do, I would not be existing in such an energetic rush and anxiety because this is only the consequential outflow of my own procrastination and deliberate postponement to do things – the consequence is thus me having to simply do all things required without making an experience about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thinking ‘I don’t want to see anyone today’ wherein I am simply wanting to lash out onto people in my reality what I am experiencing within me due to having to face the consequences of what I’ve done, which is unacceptable since that is how I have criticized people as well, when they behave in absolute anger and irritation to people without the other people they are communicating with having anything to do with the person’s mood and personal frustration/ anger/ irritation thus

 

When and as I see myself wanting to lash out and be irritated at people in my environment as a way to show and reveal that ‘I am pissed off at myself’ I stop  and I breathe – I realize that this is actually rather foolish and stupid to do since who we are is already the accumulated and manifested consequence of having wasted our lives and time in entertainment and the feel good experiences of the mind which are now here to be faced as the time that I could have used to work on my task/project/ document, instead of now existing as an energetic experience of anger toward ‘the world’ as a way for me to blame and exert my reactions instead of taking responsibility for them, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even get irritated by the presence of someone at home when it is supposed to be ‘all quiet and empty’ in order to satisfy my desires to have no noise around me, which has become a rather constant point of desire that I will surely have to get to, because it’s being also the source of anger and irritation because of people constantly playing music in the house or in the neighborhood, which makes it impossible for me to record interviews, but at the same time, I see that it is a point of me wanting to control my environment instead of realizing that I have no possibility of doing that, and that if I want absolute silence I then have to wake up in the middle of the night to have a relative silence around.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated at someone cleaning in the house which reveals the absolute nonsensical way of existing as the mind, since I would get pissed off if people do not clean and now I get pissed off because someone is cleaning and ‘making too much noise’ – within this I realize to what extent one can utilize anything, virtually ‘anything’ outside of oneself to blame and project anger toward without a cause but our own self-created experience of anger and irritation that is only existent within ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am becoming my father when it comes to being constantly irritated and angry when things are not working ‘my way’ and be an absolute ‘sweet and loving person’ when things are going my way, which reveals the absolute disparity that I am allowing within myself based on the external environment and how it suits my preferences and desires/needs, instead of seeing and realizing how I have to take responsibility for myself and what I have created within me also as these energetic experiences of anger and irritation according to wanting to control my world and having things always working ‘my way’ and within my desired ‘time frame,’ without realizing that I have already imposed too much of myself as self interest toward my day to day living.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another person as a reflection of myself to justify the anger and irritation as something ‘genetic’ without realizing that I also learned from looking at my father how he would go into anger and frustration and further retaliation toward others whenever things would not go his way, within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration as that surge of energy that I am just waiting to lash out on others, so that others can be aware of me being angry and somehow seek some misery-is-company type of words and attitude as a confirmation to me being ‘right’ in getting angry

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my physical body throughout all of this and that I have not been diligent enough with myself in order to be breathing and Here as I direct points and situations, and that missing out on breath and missing out time and space that I could have used to work on my project is simply no longer here and that the only point I can do is giving it direction along with any other commitment  I have agreed upon doing. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get very sleepy as I write this and want to just shut down and go to sleep, without realizing that this is a defense mechanism in order for me to simply not continue realizing that this has been a key-aspect within my reality: how I have become this replica of what I would see my father do and that would actually bother me quite a bit, which is lashing out anger upon others and not taking self-responsibility for it. Thus

 

When and as I see myself wanting to lash out my anger toward others and not take responsibility for this single moment of preparing myself to ‘present’ myself in a particular way toward another being – I stop and I breathe  I realize that this is the moment wherein I have to ensure that I sort out and deal with my own reactions through self forgiveness and self corrective application as this is the only way wherein I ensure that I stop the abuse that I’ve imposed on myself as my reactions being passed onto others that certainly have nothing to do with it – and even if they did, I realize that I have to work on the point of not getting angry at them as an energetic experience, but simply point out something in common sense and at all times considering not only my own preferences and considerations, but what is best for all and within this, I realize that I cannot ‘know’ what’s best for all when I am existing in an energetic experience in my mind as within that I will only continue doing that which satisfies my energetic experience which  – as evil as it sounds – is wanting to intimidate and make other feel guilty for whatever reason, without realizing that this is certainly not the way to go, as I am only projecting onto others that which I am doing to myself /as myself.

I breathe – here and walk the points as required within Self Responsibility – I stop the blame and anger projected onto anything and anyone in my reality and assist and support myself instead to realize that there is only one solution to this all: just doing what is required to be done.

 

Self Corrective Statements and Self Commitments in the following post.

 

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188.Con-Sequence

Consequences of ProcrastinationWriting 

The manifested consequence of our creation is what we learn to face within this process  – and one would common sensically consider that because of knowing/ being aware of the potential harm, disruption, loss of integrity when deliberately participating in any thought, word and deed that we ‘know’ is not what best for all, we simply would stop doing it and stop the harm and self-abuse. Well, who we are as the mind is anything but common sensical or ‘sane’ within the logical sense of what sanity should be as a state of equilibrium at an organic/body and mind level. We are anything but that. While reading one of Heaven’s Journey to Life blogs I remember leaving a comment how I was a bit shocked when realizing that we Know what we are doing to ourselves, such as consuming our very life substance in order to create energetic experiences – yet we continue, yet we keep doing it even though the explanation is here on a golden platter for us to stand up and change.

I saw within myself also how the points that I’ve been able to definitely quit and stop and support myself to face the ‘withdrawal’ of were aspects wherein I made a firm decision to change. The moment I do not make this definitive decision, I know beforehand that I will use an excuse to not-change and kind of sneak in the pattern that I am ‘trying to stop’ because in the ‘trying’ there is no definitive action taken to decisively stop something. How on Earth have we managed to fool ourselves? To actually be abusing our lives, our living opportunities of expansion and growth even within the current ‘constrains’ of the system we live in, and simply allow ourselves to be ruled by apathy, by uselessness, by the sheer decision to ‘do it later’ which implies already deciding to do something else that sounds better to me than actually pushing myself to expand my current accepted and allowed automated response to only ‘go for’ that which sounds nice, enticing, comfortable, cozy even within my mind.

 

Now, the consequences… this is the part we really don’t want to face because it is all obviously to our own detriment and within the character walked so far, I realize the piece of self-sabotage masterpiece this has been.  I have also realized that I cannot victimize myself, make excuses, try to explain why I didn’t do it in a way that would sound ‘good’ at the ears of others – nope, I can’t like and all I have been able to say is ‘I have no excuse for that’ and even that sounds like cynicism based on me obviously having judged people in the past that would ‘blatantly’ accept their mistakes and faults and have  ‘nothing else to say’ because apparently, an excuse or justification would ‘soothe the consequence’ in some way, which is always stemming from this inherent human-mind desire of keeping ourselves on the ‘positive score’ of the game, even if everything goes to hell today we rather say ‘oh, but, you know, we did our best, we did everything we could, there was no way to change this’ – and cross our arms and hope to die probably.

Well, that which I see could happen at a global scale in terms of the procrastination we are accepting and allowing to sort out this world, the same I can see in the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points that I have procrastinated, deliberately ignoring the consequences and effect that this single point that I accepted and allowed to leave behind created as an effect in my overall beingness wherein it is rather difficult to pretend that everything is fine when there’s this corpse you’re dragging behind you and stinking every day a little bit more every time.

The consequences are both at a physical reality level and within my own ‘stance’ as a living being, because as we’ve explained before: if the sun refused to shine and postpone it’s glow today, life on Earth would not be possible, if the oxygen decided to withdraw itself from the atmosphere, take some ‘time out’ and come back in a week or so after a run through the universe, would life still be possible? No – and these are all obvious hypothetical points because it is simply not common sense to even conceive that a physical constancy in our world would procrastinate its function – the same applies to our physical body.

 

So, I see, realize and understand that every single judgment I had toward anything else not being fully applied and determined to change within others, must be absolutely reverted for me to face my own deliberate procrastination even though realizing and knowing/ being aware of the consequences. In my mind, it doesn’t make sense obviously to do something that will not be producing energy for it to create an experience about the moments that I am working on something – and this is precisely the ‘withdrawal’ process I see I have to face here – it’s going ‘better’ in terms of being able to spot the moments, however unless a definitive decision is made to stop walking the middle path, nothing will absolutely change/ be corrected.

 

I see and realize that within giving up on a single point and trying to hide/ suppress the actual experience toward it, it simply compounds until it becomes a literal burden on your back – so, this has been cool in order to spot the anxiety in relation to this, which would be automatically coming up in the seemingly unnoticeable moments wherein I would have the least ‘reminder’ of this point that I have to do – however since I’ve been actually working on it, the ‘benefit’ of this is also re-establishing myself as my directive principle which is one of the other dimensions of consequences that emerge when procrastinating: we stop existing as that immovable force that is able to ‘walk through it all’ simply because of allowing ourselves to be diminished and create an entire detrimental experience within one single point that we Know we are not ‘sorting out’ in our reality.

We cannot blame either, that’s just a be-lame act in order to not take responsibility for our actions, and I have walked that as well as it came through while walking all the other dimensions to this procrastination character that you can read from the first day here:
162. Either Do it or DIE

So, my suggestion within this is to give ourselves the necessary direction to commit ourselves to do and act and give direction to that which we have committed ourselves to be and do, to stop generating unnecessary consequences as I see and realize that it is Not required for us to go through hell and back to learn a lesson, that’s just white-light-dovey crap like the ‘paths of the soul’ for us to accept our own self-abuse as a ‘living lesson’ – No fucking way.

Within stopping the first moment wherein we see ourselves wanting to procrastinate, we are able to stop the entire sequence of events generated as a result of our own con wherein we opt for the ‘feel good’ experience instead of doing and working on that which we are aware must be directed and done.

 

Till Here No Further

Feelings and Procrastination

 

”More perspective on the points of feelings is that one tend to procrastinate because you feel good. But interestingly enough you have created those feel good feelings through your resonances through time so that you can trap yourselves so you never have to do anything. Because in-fact you are in constant fear and the only way that you don’t have to face your fear – which is everybody else in this world and the world system – is to create a feel good situation where you can justify why you are powerless and helpless to do anything about the situation in the world and that is how you delude yourself and deceive yourself to never actually take action and to accept the world the way it is, through happiness, feel good little feelings.
And obviously the world system in terms of money, and all the days like ‘Christmas’ and ‘Father’s day’ and ‘Mother’s day’ – all those kind of stuff is supporting your self delusions in keeping you trapped in it. And all the parent’s are teaching their children exactly the same traps so that they can feel good and even say, ‘I mean how dare you, let the child at least live and feel good while they’re alive’. Meantime, you have stolen that child’s life using the deception of feeling and energy.
Understand, the ‘Physical’ do not feel good. The ‘Physical’ will either have pain or no pain. That is all the physical feel. It’ll be either hot, cold – it’s simple physical things, that’s what the physical feel. That’s what’s Real.
One plus One Equals Two.” – Bernard Poolman 

 

So, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on consequence to come…

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186.Physical Pains: I Did it to Myself

Physical Dimension – Procrastination Character – Pains and discomfort at a physical level – Part 1

 

I am about to open up my document and suddenly my eyes begin feeling a tad heavy, like I suddenly want to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my eyes going heavy and suddenly feeling overall sleepy and wanting to go to bed/ rest the moment that I am opening my folder with the written document that I have to work with – wherein I have become possessed by the belief of me being ‘tired’ to do this, wanting to ‘rest for a while’ to continue, without realizing that there is no possible way to be tired as it is only the middle of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of me wanting to sleep/ being tired from last night as an excuse to not get into the writing due to my eyes feeling sore, without realizing that this is part of the physical possession that I have created along with the backchat and resistances to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must close my eyes for a moment before getting to the writing because I am apparently ‘tired’ which is not really so, it is physical consequence of me having participated extensively in procrastinating whenever I would get myself to the point of ‘going to write the document’ and simply ending up not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my eyes cannot be open one more second and believe that I cannot possibly continue, without realizing that my eyes are perfectly ‘okay’ no matter how long I stare at a screen, thus the discomfort is part of the self-created burden/ tiredness and pain and discomfort in order to not direct myself to do what I have to do, which is the physical point of transcending the energetic experience at a physical level as a physical consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in within procrastination.

When and as I see myself having my eyes going heavy and dry and suddenly wanting to close my eyes and doze off for a moment – I stop, I take deep breath and I realize that I cannot possibly be tired and that this is only an excuse that I have created at a physical level in order to not get to this point of writing the document, which is how I see that the friction and conflict and background ‘worry’ that I have created as procrastination, generates or I generate within me a desire to simply ‘sleep it off’ to then forget about me directing this point in the moment, as I see and realize that it is in the best interest of the mind as myself to continue existing within this procrastination character to in fact always remain bound to this One Point that I have to do, which is what has been preventing me from being absolutely here in every moment of breath as a self directive being.

I realize that the desire to sleep has become a way for me to escape responsibilities wherein I trick myself within the belief that ‘I am too tired for this’ and that I cannot possibly continue, wherein I have actually tested out last night how it is a matter of breathing through the experience, even going out to take some fresh oxygen/ air and then continue working on whatever task I am focusing on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the upper side of my back going heavy and my head becoming ‘cloudy’ the moment that I am sifting through the documents to open the latest version of the writing and going into a slight experience of anxiety because of realizing that I have to go through it all over again and read and write and correct it.

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the rush to open up the document within the starting point of wanting to ‘get over with it’ for once and for all, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to breathe here in every moment through and while things are being done/ moved and in this case me going through the documents in order to open up the writing document, and also within this, realize that the overwhelming experience of it being ‘too much to go through’ at once creates the anxiety due to ‘not having enough time’ which is only a self-imposed limitation to not work on it in the moment.

When and as I see myself becoming impatient while going through the documents to open it up and wanting to skip-read throughout it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that being here as the physical requires no rushing as there is no deadline to ‘match’ but it is only my self-imposed rush as the result of having procrastinated the point for far too long wherein I am attempting to ‘make up for it’ in one go, which is not impossible – yet not preferred as I realize that I would be dishonest to myself if I just complete this task to ‘get it done’ instead of assisting and supporting me to be here in and as everything that I participate in.

I commit myself to realize that the rush experienced even at the moment of beginning to work with the document is only the accumulated anxiety that I created as a suppression when procrastinating this task throughout time, thus I take responsibility for not continuing supporting the energetic experience at a physical level, I instead breathe through it until I am here again in stability to then continue working with the actual writing and reading, ensuring that I am not wanting to ‘skip through it’ in order to go faster/ get it done sooner as that would simply be once again going into the rush of the mind to ‘get it done.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start thinking about just going and listening to this one song and then I continue, which is a seemingly ‘innocent’ way of creating a diversion point, without realizing how it is in the moment when the thought comes up to ‘go and listen to this song/ watch this video’ that I have to stand absolutely clear here, take a deep breath and continue seeking the document/ opening it up/ reading through it no matter how ‘long’ it takes to do so. Within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own entertainment and diversion tactics as mind control in order to get distracted from doing this particular task, wherein I realize that the moment that I even allow myself to ponder whether doing it or not is already not being absolutely here as the physical, breathing and directing myself to do what I know must be done. I realize that this is the same as giving up any craving that I would experience with other things in my reality as an addiction, due to the fact that I have become so used to giving myself these ‘experience treats’ that are not good or bad per se, such as listening to music – however it is the relationship that I have formed toward that as a way to distract myself from getting to my writing what is the point to self forgive and correct, as I see and realize that there have been many, many times wherein I can simply drone out into the ‘zone’ of just watching this concert, video, interview or any music that I am entertained with in order to then make the point as a ‘waste of time,’ go into regret and then move onto doing something else that is required to be done, BUT not this particular specific task that I was aiming at from the very beginning.

When and as I see myself wanting to divert my attention to watch a music video, listen to a song, go through this website to see what’s new as entertainment while having made the decision to work on my document – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a point of diversion that I must deliberately stop and continue directing myself to continue and work with the task itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link this particular task which is writing to a sensation of discomfort on my chest which is actually a fear as the accumulated experience of having procrastinated it for ‘far too long’ and within this, being experiencing the result of my own consequence which was absolutely unnecessary if I had just directed myself appropriately – however there are no ‘ifs’ and ‘If I had just…’ as this is only a point to recognize that I can only give myself direction from this moment on and sure that I do not actually make the same mistake again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin complaining in my mind about the pains and physical discomfort I experience when beginning to read, wherein I believe that ‘I must take a rest because I’m not feeling well,’ without realizing that the physical pains and discomfort has been created by me due to having given all my attention to always end up procrastinating the writing, instead of actually breathing and simply doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause pain in the pit of my stomach, arms, upper back mostly in relation to me walking through the procrastination of writing this document wherein I believe that the ‘heaviness’ and ‘pain’ is just ‘too much to bear,’ without considering and realizing that this is my own process of actually facing the consequences of what I have done and created to myself as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always give into the heaviness experience and seemingly tiredness believing that it is ‘real’ without realizing that it is real as a consequence of what I have created and propitiated myself –

When and as I see myself diverting my attention toward the physical pains and discomfort as an obstacle for me to stop and not continue with writing the document, I stop and I breathe. I take responsibility for my own physical discomfort that has been created as a result of the accumulated experience of suppressing the task while using energy to ‘tamper’ it and evolving my stance as the mind in order to make it ‘all fine’ while neglecting the consequences that my physical body is actually experiencing as a result of me keeping this relationship toward this one point as an accumulated experience of procrastination.

I commit myself to start considering every moment that I participate in the mind as this single act of thinking creating and manifesting a physical consequence due to my ignorant participation in the mind and procrastination as an energetic experience that I tried and suppress, instead of actually standing up and taking responsibility and within this, stopping the reactions and further consequences experience at a physical level from this.

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185. Anxiety over Time

 

Anxiety is one of the physical consequences within the procrastination character – here I explore anxiety in relation to time, memories of anxiety linked with having to complete tasks or a specific ideal of ‘who I have to be’ in order to remain within the accepted and allowed self-imposed standards of being efficient, steadfast and accurate in what I do.

Physical Dimensions of Procrastination – Reaction of Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the experience of quivering and energetic churning in my solar plexus, extending throughout my body as all my limbs and believe that I must ‘act’ upon this experience to make it stop, without realizing that it is just the movement of energy that is throughout my body as the consequential outflow of me having created an experience toward my reality as emotions, feelings, thoughts which are only existent to generate conflict and friction within me.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety within my physical body, I stop and I breathe until the energy dissipates and I ensure that I am bringing myself here back to the physical, wherein I then rewind the moment to see what did I see, what was I thinking, what single thought emerged within me that caused me this energetic physical experience, as I see and realize that it won’t go away just by ‘breathing’ through it, but that the core and starting point of it must be clarified within me in order to take responsibility for the relationship of energy that I created toward something/ someone in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I see that I am ‘missing out’ on doing something, which is usually linked to being procrastinating a particular task wherein the single thought of ‘task’ to be completed, triggers this inner experience within me that is felt in the pit of my stomach. I realize that it is a Lot more subtle than the ‘anxiety attacks’ I would get years ago, however, it is still existent as this minute ‘bomb’ that I experience as a burst of energy that quickly fades in the solar plexus area – however, the energetic experience is still linked to me ‘knowing’ that I have to do something and me believing that ‘I don’t have enough time for it,’ which is an excuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘rush’ the experience of anxiety with, believing that it must be ‘done now’ and within this statement, binding myself to time instead of giving myself a practical direction to establish a moment of the day to dedicate to my task/ project to complete.

 

When and as I see myself having the thought of ‘task’ and then backchatting ‘I don’t have enough time’ – I stop and I breathe until the experience of the anxiety in the ‘pit of my stomach’ dissipates as I ensure that I return the energy back to the physical through in-out breath – as I bring myself here back to physical stability, I give myself direction in that moment to proceed to work on the task/ arrange my other tasks so that I ensure I do work on it today.

 

I realize that this energetic experience of anxiety is directly linked to ‘time’ as this ever-looming haunting presence wherein I have made of time an enemy without even wanting to realize it, thus I stop defining my day according to ‘time’ but instead direct me to move in every moment according to tasks/ points that must be completed – that way I stop binding myself to time, and work on physical reality here in every moment, ensuring I take on each point breath-by—breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so ‘used to’ the experience of anxiety that I have managed to simply shove it aside for a moment, and believe that I could ‘live with it’ or the remains of it as this not-so overwhelming experience as it used to be, but this little tiny energetic outbursts after these years of being stopping what I called as ‘nervousness’ which was actually anxiety,  and that it was ‘part of myself’ as something that could not be entirely ‘stopped’ which is me limiting myself to my full ability to remain here as the absolute physical breath and stability that I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of anxiety a physical experience that I defined as my own ‘alarm’ to move on and pay attention to what was required to do, wherein I would experience anxiety whenever I was expected to move ‘fast’ and do things ‘quickly’ in order to maintain a certain expectation of my ‘performance’ within specific tasks, specifically stemming from the relationship with my father, that I’ve walked through several blogs as an example 103. Being efficient out of Fear! wherein I realized that this desire to ‘match’ my father’s perceived efficiency would cause me to get into anxiety the same way that I would observe him be and do wherein, even if he would react in anger and anxiety to direct things, everything would always work out perfectly – or so I believed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require anxiety to perform a task, to get things done as an ‘alarm’ or ‘warning’ that there is something I must ‘get to do’ and within my own ‘rebellion’ toward my own patterns – foolishly so – I created a laxity toward this wherein I did not precisely write self forgiveness on the experience of anxiety and its origin, but tried to simply ‘breathe through it’ without actually understanding how I created the pattern myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memory of my father rushing us all to be ready to leave the house or do a particular ‘move’ wherein I perceived his own anxiety and demanding force for everyone to just hurry and move and get out of the house in order to leave, and me creating this experience within me of what I can refer to as anxiety within the belief that moving fast/ going out of the house immediately and essentially performing any task or something that is required of me to do, has to be done with this experience at a physical level of anxiety.

Therefore, I see and realize that I have programmed myself to believe that doing something ‘out of the ordinary’ or that which I am regularly comfortable with, must have an anxiety experience toward it accompanied with a sense of rush and steadfastness that is not physical only, but always accompanied with a mix of nervousness and anxiety as the expectation of something that would happen and that I would not know how to ‘control’ or what to ‘expect’ in such situations, which is how I believed that experiencing the ‘tickling’ throughout my body was a normal physical reaction to expectations, future projections, doing something out of my regular ‘doings,’ or being specifically called out by my name to move/ do something, requires anxiety for me to ‘wake up.’

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety when I am about to do a task or remember about doing it or being asked by my name to do something , I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me re-enacting that first experience of rushing/ fear/ anxiety and nervousness when I was asked to do something that I was uncertain about in relation to the point being ‘familiar’ or ‘known’ for me to Know what to expect – which is then realizing that I don’t require to have control of or be expecting something specific when dealing with a situation, when getting myself to perform a task, when going somewhere and meeting someone unknown to me as events wherein within my awareness have no reference to.

 

I commit  myself to realize that I don’t require anxiety in order to move and that it is certainly Not a normal experience whenever I am about to direct myself to perform a task, to go somewhere, meet someone, or I am simply asked to do something that I believe I am not ‘ready for.’ I realize that the readiness and steadfastness exists as who I am here as the physical breath by breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I go into a future projection of being in a situation wherein I am not ‘reaching my goal’ or ‘achieving what I expected’ or ‘fulfilling another’s expectations upon me,’ which is how I allowed myself to become the anxious and steadfast person based on the belief that I did not want to be as ‘slow’ as my sisters or mother, and within that, wanting to be ‘liked’ by my father for always being as ready, steadfast, accurate and efficient as I have perceived him to be. Within this, accepting his anxiety and usual anger as means o give direction to something or someone in a proper manner, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I required to experience anxiety within me in order to move, do things efficiently and even more so, when directing others also having to exert anger within my desire to have everyone and everything just functioning and working the exact same way that I want it to be – wherein if something did not go out as I ‘have intended to’ I would go into absolute nervous breakdown.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious at the thought of that still image of me in the classroom in second grade and simply losing my focus on that ‘mental calculation’ exercise wherein we have to go making immediate multiplications and just writing down the result and me missing out one of them and so suddenly going into this extreme fear and anxiety because I saw everyone else was simply following through and ‘I’ had lost it and within this an immediate overwhelming experience rushed to my head as me not getting an ‘A’ /or 10 as it is qualified here – and within this, missing out my ‘perfection’ at that stage which was the time when I was overtly apprehensive about my reputation in school as an ‘A’ student. Thus I began crying and simply lost it, which was a way for me to also want to create a justification as in ‘poor girl, she’s crying, let’s do it all again for her,’ as a point of manipulation in order for me to have a ‘second chance,’ which obviously didn’t happen and I didn’t get a good grade and that’s how it remained as a memory to ‘keep’ due to the extensive amount of anxiety that lead to crying and the embarrassment for crying and for missing out on the exercise at the eyes of my entire class.

Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety due to projecting onto others thoughts and beliefs of them thinking that I have simply ‘lost it’ as in missing out on the most simple stuff and within this, fearing to be stupid or dumb in that moment, which stood as an opposite of the image that I would ‘work so hard’ to maintain which was being the straight-A flawless student.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I believe that I am ‘losing my perfection’ wherein after the experiences throughout childhood of being overtly apprehensive with school, I became more ‘relaxed’ about it in order to show to others that I wasn’t as ‘apprehensive with school,’ wherein eventually it developed to the point I am facing today which is the ‘I don’t care’ character stemming from that initial stage in my life of extensive anxiety and apprehension toward school and doing everything ‘perfectly’ – o the point where I believe that ‘I don’t care’ however, always maintaining almost immaculate curriculum and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety as a suppressed way to not look at what must be done, but instead seeing it as me ‘missing out/ losing my position’ in relation to any point/ task/ project that I have to complete, thus

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the accumulation of me having had this expectation of myself as being always ‘perfect’ and ‘right’ in and throughout school, generating this idea that I must then continue that personality and that because I am not moving myself to do so, I require anxiety to move as a way to generate fear within me to move myself – but! because it meets with my newly upgraded character of the apprehensive mutated into the ‘I don’t care,’ the anxiety is quieted down and immediately-instantly suppressed with an ‘I don’t care’ experience which is then creating a thought or come up with something for me to do in order to make it alright for me to not do things – thus  I see that this single play out of experience requires stopping both the anxiety and the cover up experience to the anxiety as ‘I don’t care’ in order to simply move physically and get things done.

 

I commit myself to stop waiting for me to experience a thought and anxiety afterward related to ‘doing the task’ as a way to move myself and within this, stopping the cover up experience of ‘I don’t care’ and leaving it for later – as I see and realize that as long as I continue making it ‘okay’ to save it for later, I continue the indecision and lack of self direction in one moment here, wherein I realize that I only require to make the decision and live it out as myself.

 

There’s more to come in relation to anxiety, ‘big projects’ or tasks and my looming experience that comes when thinking that ‘I have to do something’ but then going into anxiety, suppress it and continue doing something else wherein no self-movement is then occurring.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety at the moment for thinking ‘all the stuff I have to do after I post this blog’ and immediately wanting to rush to publish and ‘get done with it’ wherein I then start blaming myself for taking the time to work on the cooking process earlier and within this not prioritizing my time – thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to rush and get anxious to post my blog, I stop and I breathe until I redistribute the anxiety experience throughout my body and out through breathing, and then I realize that I require to be more directive during mornings like today wherein I can simply go straight to the writing to then focus on answering mails and everything else that must be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rubbing my feet within the anxiety experience wherein I have become so used to the rubbing of my feet as a physical indication of anxiety and nervousness upon the realization that ‘I am behind’ something and I must ‘hurry’ as if rubbing my feet would somehow expedite the process as a constant friction experienced as the act of rubbing my feet one against the other.

When and as I see myself rubbing my feet together as a way to externalize the anxiety as the friction I am experiencing inside me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require to externalize a point of literal friction within me outside as rubbing my feet one against the other in a constant manner, as I can instead stop the anxiety from the beginning and within this

I commit myself to breathe and slow down every single moment that I see the slightest emergence of anxiety as myself as a rushing point to ‘get it done,’ and also stopping the imagination and projection of doing things ‘right away after I’m done with this,’ as it is an indication of dimensional shifts that I am participating in, wherein I am not being fully here as the finishing of the blog itself, but already wanting to ‘finish it up/ get it done’ so that it is posted, without realizing that I have been the only one that has set this ‘time’ limitation to my tasks.

Instead, I direct myself to simply make use of my time effectively wherein I see that there is no point in limiting myself according to ‘time’ but rather ensure that I work-on and direct points that are required to be directed moment by moment – one after the other – ensuring that throughout the process, I am here as breath.

I commit myself to breathe consciously and in full hereness, stopping whatever I am doing, until I can stand and ensure that I am no longer being ‘subject to’ anxiety, as I see and realize that whenever I try to only ‘cover up’ anxiety, it becomes just this something that is placed aside without really focusing on identifying the origin point and within this supporting myself physically to breathe through it until all energy is dissipated and I take responsibility for whatever is causing the anxiety within me.

I commit myself to realize that who I am is stable here as the physical and that I require no energetic experience to move myself and direct myself as I have just seen and realize how I am able to breathe through the experience until the energy dissipates and I am here stable as self.

I commit myself to ensure that I breathe until all muscles of my physical body are not tense and I experience breath being comfortably here as myself.

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184:Angstxiety

Physical Dimension: Reactions to the negative thought of having to complete a task/ activity

Within the entire series of the procrastination character that began on day 162. Either Do it or DIE I’ve walked the fear, thought, imagination – then even a fantasy came out – backchat and the reactions toward all of these points in both a negative and a positive manner.

The title of this blog comes from the realization that angst means fear in Dutch and anxiety is what we experience as the physical experience of such fears which sounds then similar as one leading to the other, while in English, angst means ‘anxiety about the state of the world’ which is how I can identify I have become the anxious person for the most part while growing up, which I have been working on as well in the death and destruction blogs going into both anxiety and dread about it.

 

Within the physical dimension is to then see how it is that all of these dimensions end up manifesting as a physical possession – how? Well, the moment that we give into the thought and make it a physical habit within it, we are essentially confirming that yes, the thoughts, backchat, reactions, fears are in fact ‘who we are’ and that all of such mind-experiences are ‘true enough’ for us to then live them out in the physical. Hence it’s this physical dimension the one that certainly exists as a consequential outflow of all the previous accepted and allowed mind experiences as real, it is the ‘physical possessed time’ wherein we have already abdicated the directive principle of ourselves and we essentially become the embodiment of our own mind control – sounds familiar? Yes, essentially every moment that we are not here breathing and being aware of ourselves as the physical and ‘lose track’ of what we are in fact doing in that moment – because of only existing in a constant myriad of thoughts, pictures, backchats/ internal conversations – wherein we are then only feeding the experience further and further while missing out the entire point of this experience which is nothing else and nothing more but a self created dis-ease through thinking and having a positive or negative experience about something/ someone in our world and reality.

 

Within the procrastination character, I realize that the moment that I am about to get onto doing something/ directing myself to complete a task, there’s a pinch of anxiety that emerges, that has been ‘slowed down’ so to speak from the time when I was a younger girl and going through school and having all the basic nervousness symptoms of having gastritis, multiple headaches whenever an exam or a ‘something to do’ would emerge that I would consider was ‘ahead of me’ and being overtly apprehensive, always worrying about the outcome of my exams, worrying if I’d get the highest grade – even if I pretended that I didn’t care – always wanting to get to places on time and essentially being in constant fear of ‘not meeting my goals’ which I later on suppressed as I went growing up with an opposite character. Within this I must say that my mother’s words were supportive since she always made me see how futile it was to be seeking to be perfect and strain my physical body for it, plus hearing words that would allow me to see that I didn’t require to worry about it since I had an ability to walk through school without a problem – however, the origin of the anxiety was never seen or realized in fact. So, I will dedicate myself to tap more into the anxiety experience, which has diminished considerably in the past years since I began my process of self forgiveness and self honesty, however, it still comes out which indicates that there are points that I must obviously still work through it and the realization is that such anxiety has been present lately due to and directly linked to the procrastination character, wherein the moment that we create our own ‘procrastination hell’ we become the embodiment of such ‘unsorted load’ and generate an overall relationship of self-abuse which is pretty much experienced at a physical level.

I had that yesterday in three different moments and all related to being asked the question of when the hell am I going to finish school – well actually could be four, lol since I had several chats with different people and realized that I am the only one that is procrastinating this.

So as I write this, there’s a flow of heaviness as energy that is experienced in my arms and in the pit of my stomach, which is where we could say the solar plexus actually is.

So far the only way that I have been able to slow down in physical reality in terms of walking slower, not rushing to get to a place (unless strictly necessary, lol) and going ‘ahead of time’ in my mind when for example, meeting someone, going to a certain place where I will have to face people, even making phone calls would be a reason for me to get anxious, like wanting to ‘get over with it’ – which is a key point here ‘getting over with it’ as this point that must be simply ‘rushed’ and ‘finished’ in order to ‘get to the next point’ – I mean, that’s not living, that’s just being like a Ford-T line producer that’s simply tied and bound to a single task-doing reality where no actual Living takes place. Unfortunately yes, this is the reality for the majority of everyone in this world because every moment that we reduce life to a sequence of ‘tasks to be done’ we are certainly limiting ourselves extensively within our capacity to see life not as a birth-consume-reproduce-produce-consume-die type of cycle with all the highs and lows in between – there is definitely another way of going through life even if it’s filled with ‘stuff to do,’ as I have realized that the moment we measure our days based on ‘stuff to do’ we miss out the point of how each activity is an opportunity to expand ourselves. And where does anxiety fit into all of this? Nowhere, it is a self-created TIME-triggered fuckup. I actually see how I have used Time as an excuse obviously, but also as a constant ‘counting’ of my day wherein instead of being here. I mean, even the sole ‘measuring’ of the day implies that I define myself according to what I did and what I did not do, which is just creating another aspect to give myself credit/ discredit for as an ego. No, I can instead decide to live in a way that is fully functional in every moment, and this implies not being subject to the reactions experienced Over going into an alternate reality of thinking, judging, backchatting, imagining, reacting over it etc.

I realize that I have separated myself from the actual ‘art of living’ which should be related to self mastery that I had on purpose seen as something ‘ahead’ of myself, impossible, ‘not now’ type of thing, without realizing that within this, I was kind of then sort of Still expecting me to do some ‘regular fuckups’ to demonstrate that ‘I am still mortal’ instead of actually taking a decision to not continue to allow any belittling within myself and others – as belittling was definitely one of the first points I worked with in my process which has been so far, cool – however, the anxiety point demonstrates that there is still this ‘uncertainty’ within me, and yes, directly related to this ‘something that I have to do’ and ‘complete’ as an ‘achievement’ that I am separating myself from.

 

So the physical dimension of this entire outflow of procrastination has to do with the various symptoms that one would experience as ‘anxiety’ among other physical habits like standing up and just moving away from the computer when the time comes to complete a task, or direct myself to get some water/ peanuts or raisins – or going out, which is what I have walked already in previous blogs, or simply doing something else.

As I was reading Heaven’s Journey To Life yesterday, I realized that I have in fact activated the ‘I don’t care’ character as a defense mechanism to keep myself in ‘good stand’ in my mind for not doing the task I know  I have to complete. This character would come as a temporary ‘shut up’ to the anxiety experienced at a physical level. Oh man, how far have I gone to cover up fuckup after fuckup of simply procrastinating a single task? Is it necessary? Obviously NOT! However, it seems as if I deliberately placed myself in this situation to walk through it, which is plain absurd but it ‘makes sense’ from the perspective that I have simply made an accumulation of decisions that were linked to the ‘positive experiences’ that I would use as an excuse to not get to this task.

A side note for me as well is how horrible it is to experience ‘excitement’ or some energetic experience that one would consider as a general ‘positive experience.’ I became excited about – oh god here I go – one of my so-called ‘favorite bands’ releasing a new album after a long time and so I went into this excitement that became a Really uncomfortable experience after a while, to the extent that I experience like a hangover of it due to the expectation – which creates anxiety – and the activation of all the emotions and feelings linked to this music – yes both emotions and feelings since it’s the type of ‘drug’ as an experience that I would be the most addicted to, this type of sublime experiences wherein you are rather overwhelmed by the sounds that terrifies us in a way and at the same time becomes a nice experience. And that, my fellow droogies I will walk separately and later on post as I will continue walking the procrastination character, but I see how the entire experiences linked to music must also be debunked, because it is ‘hard’ for anything or anyone else to create an experience of this kind within me, it’s mostly linked to music and the load I have imprinted on memories to it.

 

And This, I realized I have been a ‘frequent participant’ of based on what I got to understand in the Quantum Mind Self Awareness 18 that I highly recommend to anyone pondering about the ‘negative’ and being having mostly a ‘high’ from all things negative. That’s the shortest way I can describe it, get it  and then you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

 

So, let’s breathe and I’ll begin walking the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements on the following blogs. Thanks for reading

 

 

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183. Like and Dislike = Mind Control

 

Positive Experience Reactions upon the Positive Backchat within the Procrastination Character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to doing only that which I ‘like’ doing and that which ‘communes’ with my self-religion of self interest wherein all the activities that are related to me doing something that is not necessarily ‘enjoyable’ but necessary as I realize that within this, I have been used to always doing that which I am benefitted by within a positive experience, which is how I have made of my habits something that is in accordance to that which makes me ‘feel good’ and within this, creating an entire value scheme of positive and negative wherein I have things that I ‘like’ doing and things that I ‘dislike’ doing, which was the sole purpose of the existence of emotions and feelings really – (Suggest to listen to Reptilians – Where does Relationships come from – Part 40 for further reference and understanding on what emotions and feelings are)

 

When and as I see myself talking to myself about doing something that I would rather like to do instead of the task at hand, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the mere resistance and judgment toward that which I ‘don’t want to do, only exists at the level of my perception as the relationship created toward that point/ activity/ task based on me having a positive or negative experience toward it, instead of realizing that aligning myself to the physical reality implies not creating an energetic experience toward the tasks/ activities and responsibilities that must be done in order to walk ourselves out of the inner conflict of like and dislike and focus on the actual doing of the task, breath by breath to support myself to walk through the energetic drive that longs for some type of energetic fix o continue doing, which is not necessary to move physically.

 

I commit myself to stop creating energetic experiences of positive and negative toward the activities that I have to do on a daily basis as I see, realize and understand that emotions and feelings were only created for the purpose of instigating inner conflict and further separation through specialization and dislike that I have imprinted as the relationships formed with people as either positive o negative – the same with activities, things, environments which are only ‘here’ to further upgrade the ‘who I am’ as the mind, instead of equalizing myself as the physical reality.

 

I realize that the moment that I allow myself to create a judgment toward something or someone, I am defining/ limiting/ enslaving myself to my own created relationship which implies complying to my own energetic experience when believing that such task in itself is either preferred/ not preferred to do, based on my own beliefs, perceptions, value systems according to that which I react to in a positive or negative way, which in all cases indicates that If  I react in any way, I am still existing as a mind system of limitations. Therefore instead, I assist and support myself to walk my equalization as the physical taking into consideration the physical practicality of the task to be done and that which I require in order to accomplish it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own mind control when it comes to having a preference toward particular tasks and having a dislike or a negative experience toward other tasks and justifying that with me simply ‘preferring to do something else’ which is indicating that I am not making a self-directive decision, but that it is stemming from my own created value-system of likes and dislikes and preferences that in no way assist and support me to expand as I see and realize that relationships based on energy in fact separate ourselves from who we really are.  In this –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in a positive way when backchatting myself in order to go out for a walk/ rather work on other tasks that I prefer doing, which is a way to get myself out of the sudden ‘heaviness’ experienced when realizing that I have to work on my task, and within this, allowing myself to immediate go into the positive-sphere of my experience, overcoming it with the idea of waiting for the moment to go out for a walk, not having enough time till then and as such, actually making the decision to not work on my task as I would rather wait to go outside doing ‘something else’ which is how I eventually end up postponing my self direction, because of giving into the preference which is not even an entire ‘excitement’ any longer, but more of a steadfastness that I haven’t allow myself to expand toward all areas of my doings.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive reaction toward the idea of me instead of spending time working on my task, I rather do his ‘other tasks’ that I prefer doing – I stop and I breathe – I realize that in such moments I am not the one making the decision, but who I am as the energetic possession that seeks to satisfy itself in order to continue con-trolling my own self direction – which is me in all cases – wherein I realize that it is only me in one moment of breath that can decide not to give into the mind-experience that I ‘prefer’ but instead, act in common sense and doing that which I have to do as part of my responsibilities within this world.

I commit myself to stop enticing me to do something based on preference, but simply in that moment see the development of the event until that point of seducing me to do that ‘other thing’ I would rather do instead of dedicating time to this assignment and then live the decision of working and doing what is required to be done – which means that all positive aspects of the ‘option’ to take are to be seen as my own deceptive means in which I have created a positive experience toward others/ things/ events/ scenarios and have created a negative experience toward that which I see and realize is what enables us to expand, grow and walk through the initial limits and our ‘comfort zone’ that we are so used to remaining in.

Within this I also realize that one of the reasons why responsibility was feared or disliked is a deliberate obstacle in/as the mind as who we are in the mind will always seek for the positive experience as ‘the candy’ that will support its continuation and within that, creating the opposite in order to have something to create a ‘better experience’ in contrast, which can only exist if we hold and create definitions toward our world and reality.

I realize that Responsibility is a key word to live as the ability to expand and grow within our reality and that it has been broadly evaded deliberately to create a common-laxity at a social level wherein the more we are entertained only with our satisfaction as wants, needs and desires, the less attention we pay toward the actual ‘workings’ of the system and the actual reality that is going on day by day wherein it is because of the sum of all our procrastination to get to do things that are to our own benefit as humanity, the less we create solutions, because we are being part of the fuel of the problems and the problem itself – hence we must create the solutions.

Thus within this, I see and realize that even if I see this point of doing a particular tasks something ‘isolated’ from my responsibility to the  whole, it implies that I am really not living unconditionally applying myself in all aspects of my reality and as such, it Is relevant and important as we are all as  humanity within this procrastination creating a reality of mediocrity which is what I have judged before and that which I am going into the moment that I participate in a positive feeling experience in ‘doing something else’  that is most likely time consuming, life consuming and entertainment/ diversion point that most of the times doesn’t benefit myself and my process.

 

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