Tag Archives: projection

452. Absolutism is in the Eye of the Beholder

 

One thing I have noticed throughout my life is how I tend to and have been very absolutist or extremist. This has led me to create my own conflicts whenever I try to ‘fit’ something into a very ‘black-and-white’ mindset where I don’t consider or allow shades of gray. And what I have not realized or considered is how it is only myself as my mind that is configured/set up to work this way, in an extremist and polarized manner where there is no further embracing of the multi-dimensions or multiple aspects/sides that exist to everything and everyone that is part of life on Earth.

A sentence that made me realize this with clarity was one of Anu’s statements on the explanation of the nature of our beingness and how to understand the ‘good and evil’ nature of who we are/have become and so seeing that, yes as much as it can be ‘narrowed’ down to saying ‘good and evil’, it also depends very much on ‘the eye of the beholder.’ This bit of sentence enabled me to realize how I am the one that can decide to see things in one way or the other; I can decide to remain in a narrow focus with which to approach people, situations, information and I am the one that places these very narrow and inflexible ‘frames’ upon everything, with which I then go categorizing, filing, defining something or someone according to these very absolutist, narrow, inflexible, extremist and short-sighted ways to be honest with which I had learned to see the world thus far. Why do I do this? For the sake of creating a notion of ‘knowing’ which gives a form of ‘control’ over something/someone or reality itself, because who we are in the mind seeks this kind of ‘power’ – lol – to know, to have already ‘digested’ and so concluded to have a particular view or conclusion about someone/something in reality; yet here I will share why I’ve realized this is actually not so at all.

What does this practically mean? It has a lot to do with having an ‘either /or’ mentality, it can be morality when having to define something as either entirely ‘good’ or entirely ‘bad’ and so kind of go making this ‘final judgment’ upon things. An example, there’s a ‘selection’ of foods that I eat now, yet with those same foods throughout time I have gone through a back and forth several times in wanting to ‘cross-out’ some of them based on defining them – according to knowledge and info – as ‘bad for my health’ and then I come across some other information and then I incorporate them again and place them on the ‘good for me’ list again… what is missing here?

To begin with I am following (fall-allowing) information only, I am not being the directive principle in testing things out for myself and seeing how my body does with each food, but instead I take the knowledge, make a religion out of it where I follow it as ‘how things work’ only to then have that same ‘religion’ be debunked by ‘another religion’ I can encounter on such as an explanation of how this particular food has been demonized by ‘mainstream health care’ information and the opposite effects are to be expected with this one food… and so where do I end up? Caught up in information, mis-informing myself based on how I blindly cut down my own practical investigation and immediately start following it, jumping from eating it all the time, to not eating something at all and vice versa.

This is what happens when we are looking at reality more through the eyes of information and making quick knowledge and information assessments on ‘how things work’ and missing out the practical physical reality testing out phase; and this is not only related to ‘deciding what to eat’ but it can be also related to people where we for example tend to immediately create an experience or very rough perspective on a person we just met based on what we ‘like’ or ‘don’t like’ in a 5 minute interaction… lol I mean this in itself already should speak volumes of how Narrow-viewed we are when immediately being very quick to upon 5 minute talks decide to like or dislike someone… here there is again this ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ approach in a polarized manner where we jump into conclusions, where we don’t allow ourselves any actual consideration of ‘another being’ in their entirety, their life context, who they are in the moment, the phase/situation of their life they’re at, their day, their physical experience in that moment of interaction, other/external factors to the interaction and a plethora of other aspects that we cannot even fathom exist in that one single moment of interaction with another.

Yet in our minds, we have not programmed ourselves to consider space-time physical reality and all of the multi-dimensions of it, nope. We only live ‘up there’ in our minds that in my case I’ve noticed works in this yes-no/ like-dislike / true-false/ right-wrong/ good-bad/ type of mentality, most likely it works like that in us all considering our minds work exactly the same.

So, here using the word ‘deliberately’ again as in making a conscious, considerate, intentional and willing decision to step out of the ‘absolutist’ mindset when it comes to how we are interacting with anything or anyone in our world. I have written about ‘assuming’ many times in this blog, because it precisely involves that ‘jumping into conclusions’, immediately ‘assessing’ things in this mind of mine, cutting-corners to expand my vision and just want a ‘quick outcome’ to then decide ‘who I am’ in relation to something or someone.

Therefore the correction and solution to this absolutist mindset that I’ve been applying is that whenever I see myself jumping into conclusions and wanting to frame something within an ‘either-or’ mentality, I have to take that deliberate step to consider the multiple dimensions, multiple factors about something or someone, and most of the time I’ve found it is actually quite enjoyable to kind of ‘prove me wrong’ in terms of seeing how actually narrow minded or tunnel-visioned I was when yes, going into a backchat about a person, a situation, a moment in reality where I am too quick to make a judgment and assessment of how I ‘qualify’ something or someone, instead of taking that moment to say “ok, can’t be black-and-white anymore, I’m stepping out of the absolutist/fascist mentality where I impose my own ‘view’ upon everything and everyone” – and this is thus the practical process of actually going embracing reality in its totality, whether it is a situation or event, a person I am interacting with, something I read/learn as knowledge and information, something that ‘happens in the world’ I mean, I’ve seen time and time again how we are all too quick to ‘side’ with one or the other side – usually it’s 2 based on our ‘binary’ system in the mind of polarities really, where there’s usually no space for multiple shades of gray.

See and this is where in a way this reminder of not being ‘black and white’ but dive into the multiple shades of grays is handy, because there’s in fact a lot of them– nope, not just 50 people, lol – and that is even a visual reminder so that whenever I see myself wanting to go from one extreme to the other, to take a moment to see further, to know more about the situation, person, information I am taking on, to test it out for myself, to engage more with a person for example and get to know who and how they are beyond a 5 minute interaction for example… asking more questions to really get to know who they are within the words that they speak and the statements that they make, it’s a whole different thing than just hearing something once coming out of their mouths and ‘filling out the blanks’ in our black-and-white mindset.

And so upon doing this, it is actually very cool to go expanding ourselves in really learning to See and Get to Know others, ourselves and so the reality that we create altogether and yes! Even understanding with more clarity the problems that we create based on how quickly we jump into our absolutist mindset, wherein then I can be the one point of solution and decide to go about life with a more ‘physical’ set of eyes, instead of only going mental doing this quick assessments of yes/no, love or hate and decide ‘that’s who we ultimately are’ in relation to something/someone.

As I said above, I actually enjoy being able to prove me wrong in my ‘rushed’ assessments about something, because it enables me to precisely go bit by bit letting go of this absolutist mindset and practically seeing how to start expanding or attaching these new ways of seeing/looking at things and people or situations in a more constructive way, in a more physical and real-time way other than ‘it’s either right or wrong’ type of thing.

It’s funny as well because throughout my life I actually disliked that people would only make a quick assessment on me based on certain ‘qualities’ that would be known by most, and yearned to be ‘truly known’ by another in a holistic manner, beyond what I was and represented as in my social environments or how people would usually ‘tag me’ as… and now I see that I had been reducing things/people/situations to that level of ‘either/or’ myself  for the most part, which proves the point of how we tend to project onto Others that which we haven’t yet done/been/lived for ourselves.

So, this is also a form of righteousness to let go of, where we usually believe that ‘others are the problem’ instead of being able to sit back and look within ourselves to see that we haven’t precisely yet given to ourselves or lived for ourselves that which we are commanding, yearning, asking others to be for us or do onto ourselves. So in a way here practicing the “give to myself first and be for myself that which I would like others to be and do onto myself as well”. It gives me first that step of responsibility to myself so that I can then stand as the expression of consideration, of expansion and embracing something someone in its multiple-qualities, factors and dimensions that we all are.

This has also been then a new starting point when meeting anyone and having even ‘one time only’ conversations where I genuinely enjoy getting to know them and kind of understand who they are, why they are what they are and even in a limited-time frame possibility also push myself to not make a quick ‘conclusion’ as to how I ‘frame’ the person, but learn to see another in their multiple-dimensions and facets and uniqueness that all of us are as human beings, and so not to jump into ‘defining’ another, but rather seeing them for that they shared/presented to me in that one moment, and that’s been very cool to do as well.

So now I have to also learn to do this with information as well, to not seek to quickly ‘figure things out’ or be driven to understand something ‘to the T’ to then decide ‘who I am’ or ‘how I relate’ to something or someone or in relation to a piece of information, but instead always integrate this consideration of the multiple shades of gray, the multiple dimensions or aspects that exist to something or someone, and that way I can go slowly but surely ‘dissolving’ or letting go of my own ‘caged’ mindset of polarities and extremes, and instead continue to learn how to embrace reality in its multiplicity, which is in fact another way of letting of of judging in general, stand down from our ‘personal court’ and ‘drop the case’ and ‘drop the charges’ lol. It is a decision for me to let go of the desire to control, to ultimately know, to tag, to define, to categorize…. and so embrace things as they are.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

Learn and walk with us how to Embrace Life here:

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408. Taking it All Back to Self-Responsibility

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A deeply ingrained pattern within me was to see everyone and everything else as the source of my dissatisfaction, my anger, my sadness, my despair and general experience of being vexed just about everything in my world. I actually saw this world as not good enough ‘for me’ instead of ever pondering whether I was ‘making it a better place’ with existing in such constant state of complain and blame toward ‘people of this world’  which is like a constant state of ‘being against world,’ which I used as an excuse to relate to as little people as possible, being rather anti-social and the people that I would gather with, would have a similar bashing toward ‘the system’ as myself and similar preferences when it comes to art or music that would usually create a ‘window’ to just escape the reality that I would define in all derogatory manners I could. I even got fed up with having to live every single day and go through the same routine ‘For what? To make the world a shittier place than it is? To waste more water, food, to eat more animals, to trash the Earth more?’ Was the usual backchat… and still at times something that I have to direct within myself in Self-Responsibility. 

So I actually was what could be deemed as a generally angry person when it comes to ‘life’ in general, which I would then experience as ‘being fed up’ with the world, being against everyone, believing the only thing I could do to ‘make things better’ was criticizing the world system and individuals that I believed were ‘dishonest’ and ‘corrupt’ and sort of like the ‘scum of the Earth’ when it comes to political figures or just about any person that held any form of influential position in my reality. So within this all. In my ignorance then, I believed that I was ‘dignifying’ myself by ‘not falling for the crap in this world’ and that I was holding some kind of self-respect by pointing out the flaws I could count on everything and everyone else – but myself, of course. See, the biggest realization I had to face within this process is that of seeing how in apparently ‘spiting the world,’ I was in fact  spiting myself only, as I am the only one that would constantly create and harbor such anger, criticism, antagonism, the sense of being wronged, limited and enslaved ‘by others’ and having been oppressed for a long time, which at the time I simply saw it as part of ‘my generation,’ never realizing it is actually the nature of who we have become  in fact as human beings throughout time: always blaming others for how we feel, how we live and never ever look within oneself to consider: Ah, yes, it was always me that was creating this experience within me and so projecting it all as ‘my reality’ and actually creating this world and reality based on how I think, feel and perceive myself and everything/everyone in this world, which I never really realized: it’s myself.

 

 ‘But I do nothing wrong! I’m a good person! I wish good for the world! I fight for good causes! I AM a good human being, I am Not the problem, look at what everyone else does! THEY are the problem!’ This exemplifies the kind of stance that I would hold myself in, being on my ‘high horse’ of being an ethical and principled human being that never dared to question whether my pointing fingers at others as ‘those to blame’ was in fact in any way supportive for this world and this reality to change. Of course it wasn’t, and it never will.

 

The principle of self-responsibility implies what I’d like to call the Golden Rule of ‘Taking it Back to Self,’  which is a continuous point of reference that I direct myself to consider whenever I am seeing something in my reality that I would like to blame others for.

 

 

Example:  Today the city was chaotic when it comes to traffic.  There were several protests because of some anti-pollution system that is now asking people that have older car models to not circulate during Saturdays. Of course the people that own old cars and trucks complained the most since they are the ones that need to use the car as a matter of necessity for their work. Say you have to deliver fresh meat, vegetables to your business and travel from the central distributor to run your own business on a daily basis  and because you earn very little money and barely ‘make it’ you cannot afford to buy a new truck, so you have a +15 year old truck and now government rule says: you can’t drive on Saturdays – and you can’t even ask your neighbors or else as they are most likely also in similar situation. Well, what do people resort to: protesting on the streets, and so this is what happened. It’s interesting how for the moment I only focused on how I was being affected by it, then how others were being affected by the traffic and then judging the protest as ‘useless’ – only then was I able to realize that I didn’t know the cause of the protest so I then realized I had to inform myself about it.

What did I do? Well,  I had to walk a lot to get around, and initially I did let out some F words only to realize I was just playing the ‘angry person that has no context of why things are happening that way.’ So as I researched and placed myself in the shoes of others, I understood their discontent however it is also a paradox since the kilometers of cars that were on ‘stand by’ on the streets today most likely created more pollution than the old-model trucks that won’t circulate on Saturdays. Well, paradox is our last name on this Earth too. So instead of me getting angry at the government, getting angry at the protestors, getting angry at the packed train and ‘angry at the world’ for being so un-common sensical, I simply walked the situation ensuring I kept myself breathing, focusing instead on the actual walking, the routes and breathing, not getting disgusted with the car fumes which is another point to work with when walking past lines and lines of cars and trucks in stand by in what seemed like perpetual traffic. I actually placed myself in the shoes of the people stagnant in their cars and pondered how desperate they must be, not being able to even ‘turn around’ and leave the chaos, it was everywhere, which was again just a projection of how I have experienced myself in the past in such traffic jams inside a bus or car.

 What to do in such cases? Sit down and cry, yell? Scream? Curse at the government and environmental department for such measures? No, I instead understood the consequences we have created overall and how I could do nothing else but not participate in any form of reaction toward the situation. Instead I used the opportunity to strike a conversation with another person about the situation and realizing how others are less apprehensive than myself, so, I simply did what I had to do and got home safely. So, from an entire point that I could have turned into just another excuse to ‘blame the government’ or ‘blame the people’ or ‘hate the world’ I took responsibility for stopping my own reactions, seeing the ‘bigger picture’ and formulating plan B’s for transportation as a short-term solution and plan of action. In the long run and as a world-system solution, I support, plan and contribute the creation of a world-system where each one of us can be self-responsible and always consider what is best for all, so that these pollution measures are not a consequence of interests in running 20th century technology for over 60 years causing the environmental problems we have today, while technology could have been made available for everyone to run cars on other means other than petrol and so, prevent this kind of ‘bans’ and limiting people’s mobility. This is common sense and common sense is what must reign in our world: it begins within us, seeing, scheming and focusing on the solutions rather than complaining about the problems and the causes thereof.

 

What does Self-Responsibility in this example imply? It is about realizing that whatever I point out in another as a form of judgment or blame for how I experience and making them the ‘culprits’ of ‘my suffering’ is just the finest way to evade taking responsibility for what I experience, for what I generate in my mind and physical body that I then project onto others as if ‘my mind/my thoughts/my experience’ could change the situation – be it emotions, feelings, internal conversations, beliefs, assumptions – oh yes assumptions – still working on that for sure. So, in this case I rather made the best of the situation by ‘enjoying’ the walking and the challenges to create the best route for walking in a safe environment/more crowded and aiming at fulfilling the timeframe I had in order to arrive on time to my responsibilities. And that’s it; I made it and even enjoyed the bit chit-chat with another person while crammed in the train which is a seemingly ‘unimportant’ thing but it can create a sense of realization that we are all in this, we can discuss it and instead of complaining rather understanding it. Was I able to stop my own experiences successfully? I can say I did, even if in the beginning as I was walking past the protestors I could see myself being with an angry face and giving some f words to the air only to quickly realize my little tantrum and so eased the point after a minute and instead I directed my focus and attention on the actual walking I required to do to get to my destination – and so I did.

 

 

 

What I explained is one example where probably being in the same situation in the past I would use these moments as an excuse to rehash my anger at government, system, etc. and this is in fact one of the most prominent points of blame and anger that I’ve existed as toward ‘others’ which is in essence the opposite of taking self-responsibility for myself.  My specialty when it comes to blame and pointing fingers: The elite of this world and specifically catholic church.  I saw them all as ‘THE Culprits’ and the ones to blame for everything that is wrong in this world, even if was less aware of how the system really operates back then, I called it irrational anger which implies I don’t know all the reasons why, but now I see that acting in the mind is irrational: it creates only a sense of ‘righteousness’ without providing any solutions = it’s all a mind job.

I used to spend many hours criticizing the system in chats with friends and believing that I had the write to damn another with words and thoughts and believing that we had the answer to it all, that only ‘my way’ of seeing things was the right one. It becomes even another way to socialize, to create a sentiment of ‘union’ with others when we calumniate about others in positions of power, judging the corruption and ultimately getting nothing sorted out or ‘done’ but only getting angry and laughing it out as if our political assessments and dissent about ‘those in power’ would place us in a more ‘powerful’ position, the ability to bash another in one’s mind as a form of ‘spell’ that could ‘make them pay’ for what we believed was being done onto us and never really pondering ‘well, how am I participating in all of this?’ And this also comes with the excuse of ‘I was born into this’ or ‘I didn’t choose to into this world, my parents did’ or some other responsibility-dodging ‘memes’ that I can even point out from popular songs.

 

All of this was debunked when I came to realize the design of this reality and how the ‘bad guys’ were nothing else and nothing more than also a part of self, self as the whole, as the totality that exists here that is myself too, and that even if there was a god/creator or designer/architect, even if there are elites and bloodlines that had taken care of implementing the essential forms of control, guess what? They are also parts of myself that had been designed and taken such positions to perpetuate and install such forms of control which in turn have been accepted and allowed by each one of ourselves too. In other words: we were/are and have been all equally enslaved by the roles we have played all along throughout our ‘history’ or existence, fooled by the illusion of separation, of having ‘nothing to do’ with all the ‘evil’ in this world and believing myself to not be corrupted by the same mentality I judged those in power to have – but what I never really did was placing myself in their shoes, living their exact same life, their education/indoctrination, their own set-up to believe themselves to have such ability to have power and use it for their own benefit,  maybe even tricked by others within the idea of it being for a good cause too. Who knows? I can now say that whenever I actually place myself in the position of a person born in a golden crib and being essentially trained/educated to perform some kind of managerial/leadership task in this world to create more wealth or perpetuate some bloodline position, I can see how I would have probably done the exact same decisions we see many people ‘in power’ do, as I would then be completely enclosed into that mentality, unable to see beyond my own perception of ‘my task/duty’ in the world or using some ‘ability’ to get the most if such ability and high-end reality was everything I would have ever known ‘reality’ to be. 

Why haven’t we then realized the principle of considering one’s own responsibility? Because this would actually cease the problems, the friction and conflict within ourselves and within this world, which would expose the world-system we’ve created as our image and likeness of ‘divide and conquer’ where we fight within ourselves, apparently ‘fight against the world’ and so creating the concrete jungles we live in where ‘everyone and everything is wrong but myself.’

We coexist in a reality wherein we have all become very personally identified with the roles that we play, we have come to believe ourselves to be our professions, our money, our ownerships, our relationships, our appearance, our qualities and skills and everything that we have defined as ‘who I am’ which in a way it is as the potentials and points to align within self – but at a greater scale, we are only playing our ‘role’ in the play, wherein I’ve realized that what we have to stop from here on is precisely getting lost in the game, getting lost in character and forgetting the greater picture we’re walking here.  There’s so many petty and trivial things we start fighting each other for, blaming, pointing fingers, backchatting, cursing at and essentially always seeing another as ‘the problem’ for MY will /wellbeing to be fulfilled. And this is where we bit the apple and so now face the consequences.

 

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Why? The apple is the knowledge and information, the code of consciousness that we have integrated as ‘who we are’ – which is what we define as our egos: what we like, dislike, judge, blame, love, believe on, feel threatened by/fear, reject, accept, etc. All of this is based on the personalities we become. So what happens is that in this world and reality we are all born into various positions that certainly entail no ‘equality’ when it comes to the role in the play/game we are in. We have created this reality in the image and likeness of our own friction and conflict in the mind: we constantly believe we have to justify ourselves, to defend ourselves, to win the game, to trump others, to spite back, to fear, to secure something, etc. And this is in turn what we believe is caused ‘by others’ or ‘by the world’ within self, when in fact all that matters here is realizing that: we do this to ourselves, we cause these experiences within us and as such it is NOT about ‘them,’ it is about what I accept and allow to exist within myself.

 

A point I’ve worked with another person that also walks this process is taking self-responsibility for one’s reactions even when having faced a point of direct physical abuse. To learn how to take self-responsibility and to SELF-Forgive the creation of blame, resentment, holding a grudge toward another that is perceived as the ‘wrong doer’ entails an actual understanding of what led to such point of abuse, how do we all collectively create such point of abuse, how not to take personally the point of abuse and how to actually focus on self-forgiving the experiencing within self toward another and so realizing that the most harm done toward self is the recreation of blame, spite, resentment toward ‘the other’ as such experiences are always created within self, and self’s body and mind are the ones that actually end up being more affected throughout time than the actual point of abuse itself. This is then a clear example how Self-Responsibility goes hand in hand with Self-Forgiveness, because there is a realization of What I have done to MYSELF based on what I believed was a way to regain some sense of honor or respect, by spiting/being disgusted at/blaming/being angry at others that created a point of abuse ‘toward me’ – but in fact, once one starts exploring ‘abuse’ in itself, we can only come to the conclusion that all abuse is always self-abuse and that one cannot really ‘get away with murder’ in this existence, it might seem like it temporarily – but no one is at the moment ‘absolved’ from having to go through a Life Review wherein in this world or after death we get to face all points that we had left behind and that we believed we didn’t have to face again. Well, nothing really ‘washes away’ in this reality and that’s where Accountability exists along with Self-Responsibility.

 

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So once that I realize that everything I have experienced is My creation only, and that the ‘way of the world’ is nothing else but OUR ways in which we haven’t learned how to create a world that’s best for all, blaming, calling others names, getting angry at others, seeing myself as the ‘right’ one or any other delusion is then realized As the delusion, the actual point of irresponsibility that I play out just to ignore and deliberately abdicate my responsibility which is toward myself first and foremost so that I can then also see what I create in my world based on my own experiences. I am one point stopping, but what would happen if we all collectively understood this point, got out of the ‘angry/blameful character’ and start taking self-responsibility for what goes on within and without of ourselves?

 

I was talking to another today and it’s cool to get to see these points while walking this process as well, where a huge point of self-responsibility resides in the words we speak and understanding the ‘nature’ of the word that we speak and what we make of our reality with/through them. Being self-responsible implies realizing that whatever I  do/think/say creates a consequence, and so I ensure that I am able to Respond to such consequences, that I can effectively direct myself and others within such outflows and consequences as ‘they’ are in fact myself. So it is about self-direction where within common sense I stop creating the illusion of separation, the illusion of ‘others’ and start realizing that as I direct myself in consideration of what I act/do or don’t do in consideration of what is best for all as the principle that I live by as life in equality, being one and equal in fact, then I in fact start taking responsibility for myself and my creation/my reality as myself which includes others.

 

Sounds like a big task, but it isn’t when we begin with ourselves and so doing it to the point where the ways in which we recognize ‘the world system works’ are in fact patterns that exist within each one of us at a mind level, as our ‘ego’ that becomes them some kind of concept, idea, or system we enslave/limit each other with. This is how we cannot only say that ‘it is THEM’ doing it to ME’ because: it takes two to tango. The puppeteer cannot exist without the one that poses as puppet.

 

 

 

Many times I saw myself damning people, specifically people in power, people at heads of church or even some priests at my school. I wanted to blame them for perpetuating the lies, the corruption, the scams, the degradation of life to a profitable scheme where good ‘neutral’ images could sell education and promote ‘the word of god’ while doing the exact opposite to any of the principles ‘they’ were supposed to have vowed to. Well, if anything: aren’t we all doing the same thing? Aren’t we all living these lives where we all try and put our nicest image and idea of ourselves to hide everything that we know in fact exists as a threat to everyone’s well-being?  In my case I for sure spent a great amount of time polishing an image, an idea of myself, how I was going to achieve my aims which were all mostly based on personal power such as getting into some kind of ‘mainstream’ position that I would so openly criticized, but be able to position myself on the ‘left’ side of it, being the famous and popular opposition so that I could also make quite a big buck by writing and theorizing about dialectics, revolutions and how awfully wrong everything was in this world, seeking ‘justice’ through punishing those ‘at the top’ or any other form of diversion from Self-Responsibility, which is what’s broadly promoted in this world as ‘activism’ or ‘political commentator’ etc. An example: what has Assange, Snowden or some Russell Brand have done to promote self-responsibility? Anyone? Anything? No, hence I don’t buy any of the ‘roles’ they suppose in the system and even if they were ‘for real,’ I still get no life changing realization from what they revealed or say or are paid to say to perpetuate the idea of change through ‘revolutions’ and so forth. Well, this is an example of why Self-Responsibility isn’t being promoted on your TV as ‘Revolution,’ and this is why I consider it of utmost importance to stop seeking for culprits, to stop seeing ‘the elite’ as the problem, to stop seeking any form of revenge but instead, to start focusing on what I can do/ what I can direct, where and how can I stop the same patterns from reoccurring within myself.

 

Well I was on my way to become that, always complaining, always blaming, always getting angry, frustrated only to then seek to get ‘lost’ for a while so that I would not have to think further about why everything seemed so wrong in this world. Well, I missed the point all along: myself. I was the one perpetuating this internal war. Let’s look at it this way:  was I ever in fact talking to these people I blamed for ‘all the bad things in the world’ to actually dis-cuss the points I saw in them? No. Was I ever in fact looking at the structural problem, investigating the root and the cause of it and seeing how we are all co-participants in it? No. Was I ever genuinely intending to become part of the system then to be a participant that would direct things with common sense and self-responsibility from within the system? No, I did the opposite in fact until I also got sick and tired of being bitter and angry at the world. By my inherent desire to find some other ‘answer to life’ I discovered Desteni and started my process of Taking Self Responsibility, and I must say that this point of seeing myself as the point that has created such inner war was a hard one for me to grasp, just because of how much I had defined myself according to my own victimization, my own so-called ‘oppression’ and being ‘wronged’ by others –  but at the same time, it became the most humbling as well which I continue to be grateful for so that I can as I did today realize my ‘tantrum’ and ‘b-lameful character’ I become when blaming others for ‘things going wrong.’

 

Another example: when I think of ‘people in power’ I see nothing else but players within the same game I have also been an equal participant in. I don’t ‘feel’ hatred or anger as I used to and I probably have taken for granted such a change within me. I still have to work on myself on remaining stable and self-responsible when witnessing some kind of physical abuse in front of me or in my environment – and in this realizing that there is abuse going on in this world every single second and that if I was aware of it in fact as what’s going on within self, then I would never cease to be angry or about to explode for each point of abuse. I’ve realized my emotions do Nothing to solve the problem, but only perpetuate it. An example, I have walked a process of self-forgiveness about hatred to the church because I harbored so much hatred that it became something irrational, something I would just recreate even by passing by every church and till this day it is  something to still remind myself it’s just bricks and stones and not to judge the people in it or the priests at the top: we have all co-created this so I take responsibility for myself and ensure I do not perpetuate the separation through reacting emotionally about something or someone.  

I could not get the image of the inquisition instruments of torture out of my head for a long time and I could not fathom how such evil could exist within humans, and how ‘evil’ they must have been to do that to another human being… little did I know about the actuality of our nature, which has never been something nice or benevolent and how this is in fact not something I like to repeat to myself to ‘punish me’ or ‘blame me’ – not at all, it is about an understanding, it is about a ‘greater truth’ as the evidence of what is here that has enabled me to make sense of everything that I saw as the utmost horror and evil in this world, it allowed me to face myself, the nature of self. Till this day, hearing about the most atrocious forms of torture, imprisonment, abuse and decay is a test for me to not blame, to not go into anger, to remind myself that this Is the abuse that I am also a part of by virtue of being in this world and that by me creating an emotion about it, I am in fact not supporting anyone or anything to realize our responsibility within it all, to understand how we’ve come to create the results we have today in our reality and to be able to forgive ourselves for we didn’t know what the hell we were doing to ourselves/each other/self all along.

Another aspect that I support myself with is realizing that I would have probably done the exact same thing that ‘the most evil people’ in the world have done if I had been born in their shoes, lived their lives, walked their education or the lack thereof, the abuses onto them and so realize that the evil in this world is nothing else but the result of a multi-generational process of abuse toward each other, in absolute separation and ignoring the fact that any abuse imposed onto another: is abuse imposed onto self.

 

 

This is how when investigating and understanding more about the reality we live in, and whenever I see myself wanting to go into victimization, it is a point to remind myself that there I am wanting to throw my hands up in the air and believe I am powerless to do anything. Those are the moments to really not allow myself to even create one further thought of judgment toward others based on what I believe/know or assume they have done wrong or any ‘evil’ doing, and wanting to blame them for the state of affairs in this world. In fact I feel nothing these days toward ‘them’ but mostly it  all comes back as the realization of all the work that we must get done if we want to in fact be genuinely experience the potential that we are as life, which has been constantly obliterated every time that we only sought our personal glory, power and benefit.

 

So this point of self-responsibility in the form of the golden rule as Taking it all Back to Self is one of the most useful reminders in my process. With it I prevent myself from seeing others as the cause of ANY experience within myself, no matter how much I can see them as the culprits, the wrong doers, the evil ones etc.: by virtue of existing in this same planet, by virtue of being a human being, by virtue of me being able to point out what’s wrong = I am an equal participant and as such, I have to stop creating further experiences toward ‘them,’ I have to stop expecting others to change so that I can change, I have to stop believing that ‘they are doing this to me’ –  I stop myself from going into blame or holding a grudge against others, harboring hatred or plain rejection toward others as I see and realize that those emotions and experiences are only my own and I am not doing anything in fact to solve the problem and situation by getting angry.

 

Have I fully changed this at a personal level? Not to the absolute. I still get mad at times when I perceive people are being abusive, irresponsible or careless , mostly in my environment, things I can see around me which is then also according to what I am aware of. In this I commit myself to be diligently self-aware to ensure I do not allow myself to justify my reactions toward something/someone and instead ensure that I take absolute self-responsibility for myself, prevent my own reactions as I see and realize that any experience I create toward another is in fact anger toward myself for what I am accepting and allowing to exist within/as me, and that these emotions will get me nowhere, so I rather focus on being able to live here, in the physical stability of myself as breath and instead become an actual living example of what it means to live self-responsibility in this world, our creation and reality.  

 

5.       Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realizing only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

 

 

To learn more about Self-Responsibility and the golden rule of ‘Taking it All Back to Self’

 

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  • 403. How to Stop Living in Defense Mode

    I have previously discussed how it is that we condition ourselves to create/put on a hard veneer in order to – let me be frank – not be fucked with/bullied/attacked by others and how this becomes like a second skin growth to actually make up for an initial experience of being vulnerable or having felt attacked by others words/actions. Here we can see how we condition each other to be constantly expecting the worst from one another, and so becoming the ‘fighters’ in the battlefield that we’ve created of our lives.

    There are various reasons for this, one can be survival which is the way we have conditioned ourselves, our human nature to be guarding our own interest out of fear of others taking it away or abusing each other to get the most with the least effort etc. Another one is more related to that ‘attack’ that exists as a violent action toward one another, verbally/psychologically speaking while at the same time having the possibility to escalate to become physical as well. This is how I could see that we begin ‘corrupting’ ourselves0 when taking each others words personally, as a ‘personal attack’ and so create it in the form of bullying or ‘trollism’ as it exists now.

    Here I’ll focus on a rather simply form in which I’ve noticed my own ‘defense-mode’ and what are the reasons for it. I’ve been actively participating in answering/interacting on YouTube and forums wherein I have had one of the most vivid evidences of how we can attack each other just for the sake of winning a ‘battle’ in our minds, just for the sake of ‘being right’ and making one another look like ‘an ass’ because ‘they are wrong’ and so in essence co-creating  just another virtual battlefield to breed human hatred or perpetuate the ‘Divide and Conquer’ mind frames which I initially would react to in an emotional way upon reading such denigrating, defaming,, spiteful, violent and even life threatening comments we would get on a daily basis as a result of what we publish, which is all about life in equality, living rights, what is best for everyone, etc.

    So, looking back,  this is what I see as a cool ‘training ground’ when it comes to facing the REAL human nature and not only see the one I had believed in  – such as the good nature one – while being locked in my ‘home bubble’ and my limited environment with limited interactions, where I yes certainly did face bullying and backstabbing from ‘friends’ at an early age, prompting me into quite a ‘depression ‘ at the age of 7, 8 because of not being able to fathom such ‘harm’ imposed toward me from another at first, until I had the support from my mother to realize I did not have to take others words/actions personally – which was great support and led me to become rather independent from sheeple mentality while going through school. I did, however, become somewhat defensive in my personality, I could say that yes I had clear principles but a lot of it was also from the starting point of showing ‘others’ that ‘you can’t mess around with me,’ it worked to a certain extent – but what happens when that ‘veneer’ becomes ‘who you are’ and how one dictates one’s every interaction?

     

    I see that the defense-mode that I am able to act out upon in one moment actually stems from acting once again based on past experiences/memories where I still place myself in such ‘defense mode’ meaning being ready to be ‘attacked’ from the moment that I, for example,  read a YouTube comment and so, instead of unconditionally reading the words that a person is placing, I already see where I can ‘find the point they are missing out on’ or what they are ‘defending’ or where they are trying to ‘prove me wrong, so that I can ‘point it out back’ and so this is something that I became used to do back in the day where we were certainly first becoming more aware of what each person implied in their words, which has been supportive nonetheless. But I see that I require to now and from here on step down from continuing that mechanism/way; this actually happened to me yesterday where I did thankfully get feedback from the person that I replied to on YouTube saying: “Marlen? I commented because you right on the money!  Thank You!”  The first word as my name with a question mark implying that they probably didn’t understand why I had replied in such a ‘harsh’ manner. And so I realized that I had come through toward him in the same old ‘attack-mode’ and ‘defense-mode’ instead of just seeing where the person is coming with the comment, what I can agree on as that’s our common ground and then expanding a bit on it without having the starting point of ‘proving him wrong’ or judging his very reply for not considering all points that I see but simply focusing on what I can do to assist and support to expand on the points brought up and create a conversation from there.

    Assist and support here are the key points, not to ‘defend my point’ or ‘defend my cause’ because that’s what creates the battlefield on YouTube, but rather keeping it simple when answering back and inviting the person to continue the dialogue instead of wanting ‘them’ to ‘change’ all of a sudden toward Me and what I have to say, as that would be me as ego wanting validation/acceptance from others right away. The same point applies when I have deemed others as being ‘defensive’ toward me and so judging others as ‘being on defense mode’/being on attack-mode but it is really only me projecting my perception upon them because I’ve ‘been there/done that too.

     

    So the key here is to then when and as I see myself reading comments, reading/hearing another’s words, I assist and support myself to not go into the predisposition of fighting/ attacking another based on the belief/assumption that ‘they are here to attack me first’ and so, instead allow me to read the comment/words unconditionally, without expectations or already ‘sharpening my knife’ to ‘get back at them,’ as I see that within this starting point I perpetuate the conflict and not allow myself to be really HERE with/as the words written/spoken and so be able to interact/reply back within the consideration of what I can learn from what the person is explaining, what I can learn from them, where I see that I agree upon to also reply back and letting the person know I also see that/agree with it.

    This implies: Seeing where there is a point where I can share from my own realizations, self investigations and not only from knowledge and information, all of this within the consideration of placing myself in another’s shoes, taking into consideration the words in one YouTube comment, one email, one conversation and ‘walking with’ to expand on a point of cognitive dissonance, misinformation, belief, or an emotional reaction to the points explained, so that I can also point it out in a considerate non-defensive, non-attacking, non-aggressive manner which means explaining to another a point the same way I would want another to explain it to me: with patience, with humbleness and gentleness so as to be able to let the other person know that I do stand as these principles I talk about at all times, this is who I am and this is the consideration, care, gentleness and humbleness toward others that I commit myself to live by when interacting with them, so as to not come through as ‘me having the truth’ or ‘me having to be always right’ but being also willing to see my faults, my mistakes, where I reacted to another’s words and so take responsibility for such reactions myself.

     

    So to not go into ‘denial’ of my actions, which is what the vlog was about in fact wherein I received such comment, here I stand directive of such point which opened up yesterday and so I am directing it here, as I see that if I want to create a world of transparency, integrity and trust, I have to be doing just that myself, seeing, realizing, understanding my mistakes, my reactions, investigate where they ‘come from,’ understand them, self forgive them and most importantly, give myself a new direction as to how I am going to be living these corrections from now on whenever I interact with another.

     

     

    Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a predisposition of ‘having to defend myself’ when replying to YouTube Comments or replying to others’ words whether written or in a conversation, instead of realizing how I perpetuate my own memories of the past and even from my childhood of how I had to be ‘wary’ of people’s words and actions toward me, which is why I became ‘edgy’ as well, not being able to trust others and as I’ve explained before, this is not about ‘trusting others’ but rather trusting me in being able to read/hear words in stability and be able to support myself unconditionally to interact, reply back within the consideration of what is self-supportive both for ‘them’ and ‘myself’ as two or more individuals establishing a communication and settling the way to create a point of communal understanding – not fighting or ‘proving each other right/wrong’

     

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how I am in fact perpetuating the current status quo in our relationships where we have focused so much on the winner/loser mentality, the ‘attacker’ and the ‘attacked,’ the bully and the bullied and where we believe that we constantly have to be ‘defending’ ourselves which can only exist if we are ‘coming from’ a starting point of ego as in seeing others as enemies, as ‘the problem,’ as ‘the ignorant ones and oneself being the ‘right one,’ through which we approach another from the vantage point of seeing another as inferior to myself and so believing that I have to ‘educate them’ with ‘what I know’ instead of being actually grateful that there are people that are still willing to reply in a comment to a YouTube video and so be able to hear/get to know what others’ perspectives on a subject and learn from it, see where we still have to ‘align’ our understanding, what are the main points where there is still a point tampering self-realization,  as well as being willing to correct ourselves if necessary and in the possible measure, being able to support and assist another to expand themselves a bit more – maybe point out some aspects they can do further investigation on, other blogs or vlogs to watch/read and so not immediately ‘showing the way out’ when the entire starting point of commenting by the other individual is to precisely establish communication and be able to continue it in the best possible way.

    I realize that in our world nothing will be changing if we do not first focus on being able to get to hear /read one another, see where there is a common ground and build it from there, thus no longer existing in the ‘I’ll prove you wrong’ mentality.

     

    I also realize that I have to be aware of not seeing myself as ‘the victim’ that is going to be ‘abused/attacked by others’ as in this position of victimization I then justify my ‘getting back at’ others as in ‘having to defend myself’ which is why in this world we, for example, allow the use and existence of guns, because we give into this mentality that ‘I have to protect myself, I have to be armed’ without first investigating why and what causes this abuse in the first place.

     

    I realize that I have to stop projecting my past, and my ‘mind-frame’ that I had built around ‘commenting on YouTube’ as in ‘getting myself  into a battlefield’ and instead, read the comments from the starting point of being able to support myself, to learn from another, to see where I can improve my communication, identify and recognize where I wasn’t clear/what I missed and so expand through this communication instead of already wanting to ‘end’ the interaction by placing a comment that could be seen as ‘sparking up reactions’ which previously I had defined as supportive for the person to ‘face themselves’ but, we are in a different stage in our process so I now apply the point of being gentle and supportive with others, the same way that I would like a ‘stranger’ on YouTube to reply to my messages and comments as well, doing to another what I would like to be done unto in the same situation and in all cases for that matter.

     

    I commit myself to use the opportunity of interacting with others either through comments on a website, on a forum, on every day conversations/interactions so that I can expand and support myself while at the same time assisting and supporting another, because it is in these seemingly ‘irrelevant’ or ‘small moments’ that actual windows of opportunity exist to ‘connect’ to others and let them also realize that there are solutions, there are people that do not fall into the usual patterns of the divide and conquer mentality, and so this is what I commit myself to living in all aspects of my everyday living and interactions with people from around the globe through the marvelous platform that the Internet is.

     

    I commit myself to redirect my judgments upon others being ‘in a defense mode’ and instead be able to in such moments immediately take the point back to self and direct myself toward another in a way wherein I can apply consideration, humbleness, gentleness to place myself in their shoes so that I am able to best support them and expanding ourselves through using words or even behavior, voice tonality that indicates in stability that I am here, I hear you, I understand you, let’s clarify this/let’s expand on this/ have you considered this point about this that you mentioned here? so that it is and becomes a more ‘inviting’ way to continue interacting with another.

     

    I commit myself to walk through my own ‘predisposition’ of being in this ‘defense-mode’ so that I can stand here, clear, open, available and willing to communicate and direct another’s questions and sometimes even curiosity and not fall into the ‘attacking-mode’ but to genuinely be able to consider their starting point and so walk-with, instead of walking-against others.

     

    I commit my self to live the realization that ‘the enemy’ is really myself and my own assumption, my own mind, my own projections which means that in practicality I am then going to be open to read/hear words without going into reaction, without already ‘preparing’ my artillery to shoot with a barrage of points that have nothing to do with what was initially said either, but to also keep it simple and ‘grow’ the conversation from there.

     

    I commit myself to only reply to comments/written and spoken interactions when I have given myself a ‘moment of clarity’ which means when I have breathed and ensured that I am in fact stable, here, that I am taking responsibility for my initial reactions or starting point toward another, and so be more open, willing and available for genuine communication, ensuring I have no interference/noise as my own reactions preventing me from hearing/reading another unconditionally.

     

    I commit myself to ‘take back to self’ any judgments I may had toward ‘others’ as ‘them being the attackers’ or ‘them being in a defense-mode’ as in fact, that would mean me reacting in ego towards ego – lol – so the best way to interact with another is to work with the common sense of looking at words themselves, no assumptions, rather asking what they in fact mean if the point is not clear, but generally not jumping into assumptions, not taking my own knowledge, my own ego into consideration when interacting with others, as that’s where the shifts happen and the divide and conquer mentality is re-created, wherein I perceive that another is ‘not the same as myself’ and so I have to ‘prove them wrong’ according to me, which is where the problem exists.

    So I instead commit myself to focus on directing the words, the comments, the situation for what it is, devoid of past grudges, preconditioning, preprogramming of ‘how I deal with others that I perceive are attacking me’ as I then live the realization that the ‘attack’ only exists in my mind as memories and experiences that I create when I take another’s words personally or as ‘going against me’ which is the ego-starting point of reading/hearing another, when we ‘take it personally’ instead of realizing that each one’s words relate to oneself only, and so I take self-responsibility.

     

    I commit myself to in fact become a pillar of support for myself and others which means I cannot judge, I cannot avoid another or see them as ‘less than myself’ or as ‘ignorant’ but instead assist and support myself and others to transcend such limitations of the mind to work with what we have as our statements, see what we can agree upon and expand it from there, as Self Support.

     

    So instead I am grateful that this point opened up so I could see what I was doing in this interaction and so be able to give it direction here for once and for all – so, thanks Tyler.

     

    7.      Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

    The Desteni of Living – My Declaration of Principle

     

     

    To learn more about taking responsibility for one’s mind, one’s reactions, please visit the following sites and join us in our endeavor too:


    195. The Righteousness of Evil

     

    “And I questioned myself many times why it was like me wanting to simply ‘let go’ of such nagging experience, without realizing that it won’t just be ‘gone’ by me kind of only ‘thinking’ about it and coming to realizations like ‘oh yes, it’s the evil in me’ and turn around and keep going with my ‘life.’ Of course it cannot work like that, that’s precisely how we have lived as humanity, just wanting to brush-off, neglect and hide the actuality of our inner experience.”

     

    Continuation to 194. Let the Mask Fall!

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to every time that I would get into an experience of discomfort and general uneasiness within myself to not further investigate within me what was it that I was experiencing, but only brush it aside, believe it would ‘go away’ with time, thinking that I simply had to just breathe through it and not look as myself, my own creation, my own reflection– which is another way of simply trying to cover up my actual experience by creating another ‘state of being,’ which would compensate the inherent inner experience of there being something ‘nagging’ within me that I apparently could not ‘define,’ with a positive experience as righteousness.

    I realize that I did this without realizing that it was in fact the beingness of myself that was not being looked at in fact as the actual thoughts, backchat and internal conversations that I would righteously believe were ‘right’ and a proper ‘assessment’ of reality, never ever considering how everything that I was thinking and creating an experience about, was never about the environment but it was always about myself only.

     

    When and as I see myself going into this ‘nagging/ discomfort’ within myself in my every day living – no matter where or with whom – I stop and I breathe – I realize that there is Something going on that Must Not be just ignored, as it is actually an indication that I’ve been thinking about something and not wanting to look at it, as that would mean actually facing the reality of myself as the thoughts, ideas, projections that I usually participate in, but that I had righteously believed is ‘proper’ and ‘acceptable’ for me to just ‘let be’ and continue going. I realize that All thoughts, All backchat, All experience that I might initially see as ‘indefinable’ actually has a beginning/ a starting point Within/ As Me that I must work with within myself to actually face the reality that I’ve become, instead of wanting to brush it off/ leave it for later and believe it is Not-important, while it is in fact in those seemingly ‘unimportant moments’ that the key to get to know the exact detail of myself really resides in.

     

    I commit myself to stop brushing aside, leaving for later the immediate self-investigation through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application about an inner experience that I have generally defined as ‘nagging/ bothering’ which has remained undefined due to me not having deliberately worked with such experiences as an active part of my process out of Fearing seeing the reality of myself, but only believe that it will go away eventually by simply ‘not participating’ – I realize that One cannot just ‘not participate’ in it and believe it will go away, but see that if it is Here and coming up within me as an energetic experience – no matter how slight it may be – it is still indicating a point that I have to look at.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately diminish the actual inner experience that I termed as just ‘undefined/ bothering/ nagging’ experience as this ‘something’ that would eventually go a way and within this diminishment, creating further separation to see myself As that experience, because of the fear of looking at myself As such thoughts, experiences and assessments, without realizing how it is time to start digging into the ‘hidden corridors and dark places’ as I was suggested to do years ago in order to no longer be bound to a barrier that I’ve created toward what I see within myself and what I see ‘toward others’ as separate from me. Thus it is to realize that everything that I have held as a limitation toward Life in Equality as Evil, as the reverse of life – which includes morals, beliefs, ideas, preferences, judgments, backchat toward ‘others’ and reality as a whole – is what I have to take back to self, in order to stop projecting a point of separation through an assessment in my mind instead of taking responsibility for myself As it.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an identity of ‘righteousness’ within my mind assessments wherein within allowing such experiences, backchat and ‘views’ upon reality became a way to also ‘slip in’ points of personality and the self religion that are the threads that are still binding me to that single aspect of myself that is not yet standing as an equal and one part that I have walked through a process of self forgiveness and self corrective application – thus in essence, still keeping some ‘Evil’ as the reverse of life for the benefit of who I am as the mind, leaving it ‘untouched’ as if it had to be ‘there’ for the benefit of my own self-believed righteousness that cannot obviously make sense other than keeping me bound to a limited existence as the mind only and not being willing to stand in the face of the ‘opposite’ as myself as well.

     

    When and as I see myself becoming righteous about what I am thinking and experiencing and believing that I can just ‘let it be’ for the moment and only later on end up forgetting it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the specificity with which I have to become aware of myself is now requiring me to not just ‘leave things for later/ aside’ whenever the least energetic experience is Here as an indication that there is a point to work with, which will be mostly regarding something that is still an aspect I have not dared to look within myself, because of having lived a life of constantly projecting/ assessing/ analyzing others without seeing how it all was in fact about myself.

     

    I realize the nagging experience has been going through quick processes of assessing the moment as people, places, events, situation wherein I quickly ‘make up my mind’ about who I am within such experiences/ moments and within that, not allowing me to see that everything that I have in fact assessed is only revealing me to myself, as it cannot be ‘how things are’ when getting an experience out of it – thus it is to not look at it as separate from me, as this is the grave mistake that I’ve made and lived as the evil wherein I had washed my hands from ‘assessing’ reality, while neglecting the fact that I have to work with the point myself in order to then be aware of ‘who I am’ as such point, walk the correction and as such, be able to support myself and others equally not from the vantage point of simply judging, but identifying who am I within this assessment, what is my experience, walk the correction so that I can stand clear and self directive instead of reacting to my own suppressed patterns and projecting it onto others/ reality.

     

    I realize that the most effective way to walk this process is always taking the points back to self in order to see if there is any experience coming up and within this, being willing to face Within Me that which I thought, believed or consider ‘does not exist in me,’ which is a defense mechanism of the mind in order to remain in a righteous position about myself in reality, which can only exist as ego.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this prefabricated/ default position of being ‘good/ right’ and always having the ‘right assessment’ over myself and reality wherein anything/ anyone that may contradict so would be assessed as them speaking of their own weakness, without realizing that such weakness and assessment to ‘win over’ the situation is in fact the aspects that stand as the evil that do not allow ourselves to get to an equal agreement of how to proceed/ work as equals in order to coexist within principles that are best for all, instead of creating further conflict and hidden judgment and accumulation of experiences Toward other beings, simply because of not allowing ourselves to let go of the righteousness that is indicating the ego of the mind of ‘always being right’ as opposed to walking in humbleness which means being willing to face ourselves as the actual evil-assessment/ backchat/ thoughts toward an event, person/ situation to in fact see what it is that we are still playing out as a character that always wants to win/ be right / get the most out of a situation, which is always the aspect that leads to an unequal result.

     

    When and as I see myself being righteous about a position without taking the necessary moment to bring the point back to myself, place myself in the shoes of the person/ situation, realize who I am within it and how I can direct it to an equal and one outcome that will always result in what’s best for all.

     

    I commit myself to realize that whenever I am making an assessment of my reality is an actual mirror of myself and what I am existing as, and as such, if this assessment contains an energetic experience/ possession about something or someone, it is indicating that I am not yet standing clear as one and equal to the point, but that I require to first look at myself as such assessment, walk the necessary self forgiveness in order to realize that the experience is not about the being/ situation/ event in itself, but it’s actually myself and an indication that I require to take responsibility for my reaction/ experience before allowing myself to make a decision on how to direct myself. Within this is to ensure that I take the necessary moment/ time for this, instead of wanting to immediately come up with a solution that is also part of the ego-rushing desire to do things right away/ immediately which leads to further time loops is there is not an ability yet to see directly in an equal and one consideration of the situation/ people/ event.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a constant denial of these ‘assessments’ made toward other beings being in fact only about myself and within this, believing that I had nothing to ‘do about it’ because it was apparently ‘not me’ – however, it is actually an indication of the self-righteousness that exist toward our identification with our thoughts/ experiences having a ‘right to exist’ instead of realizing that as long as I am taking a position that is only benefitting my own deliberate neglect to who I am as my mind, I am in fact not standing equal and one to my reality/ environment and require to take the point back to self, to ensure that I am actually seeing Myself first, correcting me first instead of immediately projecting it onto others to not do the process of self-correction myself, which is rather foolish when looking at it as is.

     

    When and as I see myself denying seeing myself within every single thought and experience that I have projected onto others – I stop and I breathe – I realize that who I have become is nothing else but the accumulation of these thoughts and experiences that I have projected onto others in means of defending myself as my own mind from realizing that I am in fact all of which I think about ‘others’/ an external point and reality. Thus

     

    I commit myself to see how as long as there are points that I am not immediately taking back to self to walk the process of self correction, the nagging experience will continue as it is the accumulation of me having brushed aside/ left for later/ deliberately neglected moments where the actual key to realizing who I am as the person/ environment/ situation exists as myself – this is within the understanding that as long as I hold a right/ wrong and good/bad position toward another, I am still reflecting the limited version of myself that is not yet fully standing equal and one as everything and everyone, no matter how ‘harsh’ or how ‘bad’ or how ‘evil’ it may seem, as it is precisely the harsh, evil, bad, negative, pessimistic aspect that I have projected and dissociated from myself in my mind so as to not have to take responsibility for it – thus I commit myself to take responsibility for every single thought, belief, idea of myself as being ‘right’ and ‘the good person’ at all times with the ‘right judgment’ which leads to a ego position that is not willing to look at ‘the bad/ negative/ pessimistic’ that I must ensure I walk as myself in order to not allow such judgments to stand in the way of becoming a point that is able to stand one and equal to all parts of reality without separation – and this is what it is to be facing the ‘Evil’ as ourselves, as I finally understand that as long as we keep the least idea, belief or perception of something/ someone being a single definition that stands in separation of ourselves as equals, I am part of the separation that maintains this entire world system as is.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the righteousness that I’ve held has been in fact the evil aspect that has refrained me from standing one and equal as everything/ all here, because as long as I hold a value, judgment, belief and thought projected onto others believing that it is not about myself, the righteousness is preventing my own self-understanding/ seeing as one and equal – which indicates the reverse of Live as Evil that must be scrutinized as our own mind which actually allows me to see every moment what is it that I am separating myself from, as these are all indicated through the thoughts, experiences and reactions I hold toward others/ reality which is myself.

     

    When and as I see myself believing that I am not responsible for the thoughts that I have because of them being an ‘assessment’ upon others/ reality, I stop and I breathe  I realize that self responsibility for everything we do, say, speak must be absolute so that I can in fact stand as an equal and one part of myself – because as long as a single value, judgment, belief, thought, experience is created upon reality, it indicates that personality/  ego is still being the directive force and not self as the unconditional stance of the physicality that I  am.

     

    I commit myself to take the necessary breaths and moment to ensure that whatever I voice/ think and do is standing as an expression of myself that I can stand as for eternity – and that my single belief of this being ‘too far fetched’ to say ‘eternity’ is actually a point of ego that I must also walk through in order to stand as the full authority that I’ve abdicated as part of the evil/ reverse of living that I have believed myself to be wherein I have been limiting my own Write-ousness to right myself as that which I am willing to be/ stand as life/what is here as myself, without the ‘nagging’ limitation of me being only ‘in a process’ and placing the point of self realization as some ‘future outcome’ instead of seeing it as myself, here, as  I breathe, one and equal. 

     

     

    Now, this is  a general Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application with regards to who I have been as a particular character that would stand as righteous within the ‘good/ positive’ aspect, taking a vantage position within that in order to not have to face every single judgment I made upon others as myself. Thus, the next step and process is to the denial of the evil within my reality and how I would only ‘cope with it’ existing in actual fear to realize that exists as myself as well, also who I am toward the relationships that I formed as a point of attraction due to the separation that I was existing as toward my own ‘evil side’ myself, and as such creating an energetic relationship to it through people/ things/ habits/ places, etc.  in order for me to not have to face it as myself, but always remain on the ‘safe side’ of the observer that is mostly an egotistical position toward our reality, as we cannot claim we are not part of something that is already here as ourselves.

     

    Thus, I’ll continue deconstructing the righteousness/ goodness personality in relation to the ‘evil’ projected onto others/ the world instead of seeing it directly first as myself and walking the self correction within it to finally stand as one and equal to all parts and all aspects of myself.

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    122. ‘Is this as good as it gets?’

     

     

    Even when I was in a moment with ‘established’ friendships and relationships, there would always be a time wherein I just wanted to be left alone, even if I was already quiet habituated to be with them during the day, I would always hit the  introverted mode wherein I would just remain quiet while backchatting about me wanting to leave home:  how could I get myself out of this situation, can’t he just stop talking, if I say that I don’t want to go then Ill be seen as anti-social, he/ she will take i t personal if I don’t want to go there –I just want to go home. And then getting home was just being apparently ‘free’ again, which is just where my ‘default character’ would come up, wanting to be alone.

     
    And this is a fantastic mechanism of the mind to keep me bound to first generation an expectation of wanting to do something/ see someone and then going to the actual experience, not getting ‘my energy’ – therefore, experiencing boredom or dissatisfaction and therefore, only seeking to be alone again, only to create further mindfucks about me being ‘incapable’ of being with others for an extended period of time, or simply having something ‘wrong’ within me that would lead me to always seek out to be alone again. All of it self created for very specific reasons and purposes that rely on self interest.  Some of the main backchat on this is:
     

    I am getting tired of this, it’s getting boring

    I think of Just being alone, no one bothering me

    I think it’s time to go home, how can I slip out of this?

    He’s trying to be entertaining, but it doesn’t work anymore

    Oh man now he’ll be sad because I’m leaving

    I’m finally free again

    Why do I repeat the same cycle over and over again?

    I always end up wanting to leave after having desired to be here

    I worry that nothing seems to satisfy me,
    What if this is ‘as good as it gets?

     

    Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements 

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build an expectation upon ‘wanting to see someone to have a good time’ wherein I project myself in a positive manner/’having a good time’ with another, which eventually ‘deflates’ as everything must go all the way down when participating in ideals of ‘positive experience,’ which are in essence a mindfuck created in order for me to every time believe that I had to ‘hold on’ to a particular relationship in order to always experience the ‘joy’ of seeing someone, regardless of how I would always end up experiencing the downfall/ negative once that the energy built up is used up, leaving me ‘high and dry’ which is how I realize I would go through my days: seeking an experience to be ‘more’ than the moment wherein I am here as breath, as the physical.

    When and as I see myself creating an expectation upon a future moment of wanting to meet someone/ be somewhere else in order to experience myself in a positive way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that building up a positive expectation eventually meets its downfall as a negative experience. Thus I direct myself to simply be here in every moment with and as whatever point I face in my reality, wherein no good or bad projections are created, as I stick to remain here as breath.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the thought of me  being alone, laying on my bed, doing nothing, not being disturbed as the perfect ‘state of mind’ wherein I am able to keep ‘the loner’ character in place, as there is nothing or no one in it that challenges my own self-religion. Thus I see and realize how I have used this thought of ‘going home’ and ‘being alone’ as a defense mechanism whenever something is actually challenging my own personality that doesn’t want to be ‘disturbed’ at all.

    When and as I see myself thinking about that image of me being alone at home, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a red-flag  thought wherein I must look at where and how it is that I am wanting to escape a moment of actual self-support and transcendence of a limitation within communicating/ interacting with others.

    I assist and support myself to realize the image of me ‘being alone’ as a personality fail safe that I have kept in order to ensure that I always remain within the ‘bounds’ of my own self-limitation as the characters that I have played out in relation to ‘the loner,’ which is also creating an experience of apparent ‘depression’ in order to have a way to justify my ‘instability,’ wherein I am only manipulating others to ‘accept me as I am’ which was a deliberate ‘loner’ and ‘freakishly behaved’ person that would be extremely joyful and then extremely down from one moment to the next, showing a deliberate face of dissatisfaction so that others could try and do ‘whatever they could to make me happy/ cheer me up’ again – which is absolute self manipulation.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start backchatting myself desiring to leave a certain place/ someone, simply because my energetic drive to be there is no longer ‘strong enough,’ hence I realize that I start projecting myself as this discomfort in my entire physical body that transforms into a mild annoyance that I express in the totality of and as my physical body, just because I already ‘got what I wanted’ and then want to leave the person/place/ situation in order to be alone, which is wanting to go back to the ‘safe spot’ in my mind where nothing and no one disturbs me.

    When and as I see myself wanting to escape a moment just because I have already gotten my ‘quick fix’ of positive experience in a certain place/ meeting with someone – I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to interact and be here in the moment without projecting myself into a future moment of just being alone, as I see and realize that this is me just following the ‘default’ setting of my apparent ‘stability’ as in ‘being alone.’ Thus I direct myself to remain here as breath in whatever moment/ situation with whomsoever I am spending a moment with. I am here as breath, I do not require to be ‘alone’ to be here in and as breath in physical stability.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an apparent ‘exhaustion’ from being with others, wherein I would go into a ‘vexed mode’ and ‘annoyed’ simply because I had built an entire future projection of my moment with them/ such person being ‘just great’/extraordinary – thus when my dream would not meet reality, I would feel disappointed and as such, creating the opposite experience was a way to get myself back to my ‘default mode’ which was creating a an ideal positive experience out of being alone – hence

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within being alone I don’t have to ‘uphold any character’ toward others, without realizing that the single character of ‘Wanting to be alone’ is my default character, which I have simply not even opened up because of believing that it was ‘perfectly normal’ for me to ‘want to be alone’ at all times, which is in fact another defense mechanism wherein I then react in every moment that I have to actually share a moment/ space with others – thus

     

    When and as I see myself creating a polarity of positive experience and negative experience out of the ideal in my mind of what ‘being alone’ is, I stop and I breathe –I realize that I have created this default character of always wanting to be alone in order to not challenge myself to step out of my own self-limitation. Thus I assist myself to remain here as breath and stop any desire to run away from everyone and leave a place, as I see that I am only running away from facing myself as others in a moment of interaction.

    I assist and support myself to take a moment to simply focus on breathing and realize that I am here and that being with people or being alone doesn’t change who I am here as breath, as the physical.

    I commit myself to walk the ‘default character’ of myself defined as me being alone, which is essentially still trying to protect my ‘loneliness’ as my ‘safe heaven.’

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself just walking home, being at home, and being alone whenever I see that another is just trying to ‘keep up the positive experience’ in the moment, wherein I decidedly react in a vexed and annoyed manner, indicating that I am simply ‘not having a good time’ and wanting to escape, which is when I become very quiet and showing little to no excitement about anything, which comes from the entire relationship play out that I created for myself, wherein I would be like a ‘cheerleader’ trying to make a ‘good moment’ out of anything, eventually and inevitably facing the counter act which is having a ‘low’ and and a downfall, which is when the thought of just stepping out of the scene comes up, which translates of wanting to stop upholding such agreeable character in a relationship and go back to my ‘safe place’ as in being alone and not having to ‘deal’ with others, without realizing that this is about me dealing with my own backchat and experiences created upon others’ actions, words in a particular moment.

    When and as I see myself becoming ‘tired’ when being with another, annoyed/ vexed, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am then upholding a character as in being ‘positive/ agreeable’ creating an inevitable ‘downfall’ of energy as the negative and just wanting to shut another up. Thus I assist and support myself to be HERE in the moment without changing ‘who I am’ according to the people or environment – I am here, I breathe and as such I interact and communicate without holding myself back upon assessing communication as being either a positive/likeness or negative/disliking according to the judgment I have created upon communication.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another takes my ‘quiet’ attitude as personal, thinking that they will believe they are not ‘good enough to keep me entertained’ (wtf?) which is just me projecting my own inner conflict onto others to not take responsibility for my own characters and see how I manipulate myself to manipulate in deliberately making it evident that ‘I am not having a good time’ and a such, wanting to push them to do ‘all they can’ to maintain a good time/ keep me entertained with something, which is absolutely unsustainable and ludicrous to even conceive how our relationships have only been based on this desire to please or ‘keep someone entertained’ in order to ‘have a good time’ which is absolutely reducing each other to characters that masturbate each other until the orgasmic experience comes and then, one just wants to leave the place and seek for the next fix somewhere else.

    I realize that I have created these characters in order to trigger an experience within another so that they could then come up with an idea to do something that would ‘cheer me up’ or ‘keep me entertained’ which can only be applicable if I am in fact only wanting to keep relationships of ‘good times,’ instead of self-stability here in every moment of breath. Thus I direct myself to support me here to not create subcharacters to defend the ‘ideal’ loner character, as all such points are in fact unnecessary if one take self responsibility to remain stable in every moment of breath, no matter where or with whom we are.

    When and as I see myself fearing another’s reaction upon my own quietness – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I won’t even have to be playing ‘the quiet’ subcharacter as a support for ‘the loner’ character because I won’t be limiting myself to only create the idea of me having a ‘good time’ by myself, alone – thus I see and realize that if I am quiet it is because I in fact have nothing to say and that another’s thoughts upon me have nothing to do with what I decide to live as in every moment, taking into consideration that I won’t deliberately be quiet in order to instigate a reaction within another, but ensuring that I am in fact here breathing and as such being open to speak or not speak according to the moment.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually lie about ‘having to do something’ in order to leave, which is just part of the entire lies as the characters that I kept up with another in order to remain in such relationship, in order to please ourselves and, paradoxically enough, to ‘not be alone’ which is the actual polarity I went back and forth with: wanting to be alone and then seeking to not be alone through relationships. I realize that my ability to be here and interact with anyone does not require for me to create ‘special bonds’/ ideal moments that I then bind myself to, I am able to remain stable and consistent here as breathe and open to share and interact with others without fearing or desiring to be alone, as I am here, breathing in my physical body and that being alone or with people does not define who I am.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being considered as ‘antisocial’ whenever I leave a place to go home, however I see and realize that most of the times I did so in order to keep myself ‘safe’ from having to confront myself. Therefore I make sure that I do not ‘pay attention’ to any potential judgments arising from me leaving a place/ not visiting a place/ someone for some time, as I realize that if I do not go or interact for extended periods of time is simply because the moment/ event/ situation is not self supportive and I would rather be doing something that is in fact self supportive.

    When and as I see myself finding an excuse to go home/ be alone again, I stop and I breathe, I realize that it is me as the mind as the character of the loner playing out as I do not require to make excuses to simply decide to leave or actually reassess why it is that I am wanting to leave someone/ certain place, which is where self honesty comes in- thus I assess whether the moment is supportive or not, whether I actually would rather be doing something that is self-supportive than being with such person or in a certain place. This I do ensuring that it is not energy that’s driving me to ‘be alone’ but a simple common sensical consideration without fearing leaving another, or fearing being judged for leaving a certain place.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear causing a ‘negative experience’ within another for me leaving, which is just me creating further reactions, compromising myself and instigating further inner conflict to leave, when in fact ‘leaving’ in itself is and must be a decision in the moment wherein I am clear and stable as myself to do so, without holding any specific ‘considerations’ upon what this decision will cause in another, as that is simply my own projection of the play outs I have created within relationships and the fear of losing them .

    Thus when and as I see myself fearing causing a ‘negative experience’ within others for me leaving a certain place and moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have used this as an excuse to only remain in the place, keeping the same desires to go home, instigating further inner conflict and discomfort just because of compromising myself in this singular point, which is unacceptable – thus I realize that I am the one that is able to simply make a decision to leave in the moment and that’s it – no further consequences when being self honest and clear about my decision.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel free again’ whenever I leave a place/ someone, creating then a positive experience out of having created my own negative experience as in being ‘suppressed’ while being with another/ in a certain place, which is how I kept myself looping around positive and negative experiences that I would blame others for apparently ‘spoiling,’ instead of seeing and realizing how I created it all for myself as an excuse to not have to see why it is that I was so addicted to this feel good/ feel bad energetic experience as a way to ‘keep relationships in place’ within my world.

    When and as I see myself experiencing a relief, a positive experience as in ‘being free again’ when leaving someone/ a particular place – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is stemming from ‘the loner’ character as the positive experience of being alone, when in fact, being alone must not be a positive experience, but an actual self-stability in every moment of breath.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an inner conflict out of ‘not knowing why I always want to be alone’ which is an added conflict as an ‘I don’t understand myself’ subcharacter in order to reinforce ‘the loner’ character wherein I believe that ‘there’s something wrong with me’ as an apparent inability to enjoy the moment/ share myself with another, which is just part of the mechanism to keep me entertained within my mind as characters that I created in order to constantly be ‘experiencing’ a beingness as a mood or a ‘way of being’ just like me being the main character of my own movie wherein I would be always a depressive person seeking a positive experiences for a moment and ‘get what I want’ in such manner.

    I realize that I have kept this apparent inability to fully enjoy myself simply because of having believed that self enjoyment was something bombastic and ‘outrageous,’ which I simply would not be able to experience myself, thus believing that there was something ‘wrong’ with me not being overtly excited or joyful at time, which is how we create these conflicts based on what we watch in movies/ ideal situations wherein people have this ‘perfect good time’ just because of having lots of money or fame and any kind of culturally accepted ‘successful living’ and ‘enjoyable experience,’ which only exists as a mirage for all of us to constantly seek for such positive experience at all cost, which obviously is not real and never was.

    When and as I see myself creating an inner conflict when thinking ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me’ wherein I am apparently incapable of being with another for an extended period of time, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is just a backup to always try and defend my personality as ‘the loner’ that does not want to realize how this is actually a defense mechanism to not face ourselves as another, which is how we fear yet desire relationships as a point of inner conflict, simply because we haven’t allowed ourselves to simply be here, breathing, without having an entire ‘mood’ in our minds at all times.

     

    I realize that we are the only ones that create our own characters as a way to abuse our simplicity of being here, as breath, as the physical that we have fully ignored while creating inner conflicts and seeking to be ‘more’ than ourselves here already, which his unacceptable.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my own mindfucks as ‘inner conflicts’ of wanting to be alone all the time, yet deliberately seeking relationships/ seeking to be with others, which is just a perfect mechanism to keep me bound to conflict, to friction and to further consequence, wherein I would always end up ensuring that I remain ‘safe’ as my main character ‘the loner,’ which is why and how relationships came to an end, as I was apparently unable to be/ stand another for an extended period of time, which was only because would face myself/dynamite the foundation of ‘the loner’ character, as I see and realize that being with others, communicating, interacting is the key to see ourselves for real – because when we are all alone in our perfect bubble, nothing seems to move – yet the minor interaction and confrontation with the real world or another being is the actual moment wherein we can test for ourselves if we are in fact really ‘here’ or not.

    Thus I assist and support myself to continue opening up with people  in communication and interaction in order to continue applying myself and physically directing me to be constant and consistent within my application of being here as breath, no matter where no matter with whom I am in any given moment.

    When and as I see myself believing that ‘I do not know why I always end up wanting to be alone’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just another hook to keep me bound to an apparent inner conflict of me having some type of ‘problem’ to be with people, to interact and communicate unconditionally, which is in fact a self created character – as all characters – in order to keep me safe within ‘the loner’ character bounds which is in essence then me protecting and fueling my main default character that seeks to be alone at all times. I thus realize that whenever I am wondering or pondering about my ‘beingness’ as in being alone, I am trying to simply instigate an experience to occupy myself up there in the mind instead of being and remaining here as breath.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask myself ‘what is wrong with me?’ as a self-manipulation tactic in order to not see and realize that I have created this entire ‘loner’ character to always be in a certain ‘beingness’ of either unfulfilled or misunderstood character or apparently being incapable of establishing proper relationships with people, which is absolutely a self-created mechanism to only keep me bound to ‘the loner’ character that will defend its loneliness with even apparent conflict to ‘stop being the loner’ without realizing that all conflict only gives more energy and more attention of who I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as ‘the loner.’

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go as far as ‘worrying’ that there is something inherently wrong with me because of not being able to be ‘satisfied’ with anything, not even with having the ‘man of my dreams’ or studying that which I apparently dreamed to have, without realizing that I created these points as positive experiences in order for me to create further conflict when not getting the ideal/ future projected happiness/ satisfaction within such relationships and careers, which is another mechanism to protect ‘the loner’ character that would end up always seeking to be alone, dissert relationships, dissert careers and always remaining ‘unsatisfied’ and feeling ‘inadequate,’ which is a primary source and mechanism of self-manipulation in order to instigate conflict within and as ‘the loner’ character, to keep me bound to always seek for a positive experience, instead of actually accepting and bracing myself here as the simplicity of the physical beingness that requires no positive or negative experience to exist.

    I realize that I created my own ‘inner conflicts’ and characters according to who I wanted to be and how I wanted to be seen by others, as some type of ‘weird’ person that is not able to create effective relationships, as that would keep me bound to an isolation, depression and self-diminishment that I would come to seek and even  enjoy as a source of apparent ‘inspiration’ to make good art, which is linked to the entire ‘Artist’ personality, of always existing in conflict and depression in order to have something to ‘create’ about, lol an all-around mindfuck that I created for myself around relationships based on only seeking to exist as a continual inner-conflict to remain comfortable within my own mind, creating all these ideas about ‘who I am’ without ever having even considered that who I really am is myself here as the physical, and that I can direct my mind to support myself as such physical being.

     

    When and as I see myself thinking, believing, perceiving and worrying that there is ‘something wrong with me’ because of an apparent inability to establish proper relationships, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this has been one of the greatest traps I created for myself and as myself within the belief that I was in fact a ‘difficult person’ and/or would never be able to ‘settle down,’ wherein I realize that I created such ideas based on fearing actually facing myself with another and bursting my ‘loner’ bubble as primary ‘self-defense mechanism.’ Thus I assist myself to realize there is nothing ‘wrong’ with me and that I can communicate, interact and be with another/ others without creating an experience within my mind about it, it is just human beings being here with one another coexisting as the physical wherein the actual direction at all times must be to form and create agreements of self support to ensure that we no longer support one another’s characters/ personalities as self-limitation, but instead, push ourselves to face the ‘who we have become’ as our mind characters and learn how to coexist and live within the consideration of the physical practical reality.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat in ultimate stances of disillusionment within a relationship/ a moment and thinking ‘What if this is as good as it gets?’ wherein I judge my ability to enjoy myself with another, existing in a continual discomfort of even not breathing properly because of thinking and believing that I must be and behave in a particular way to get to the ultimate positive experience, in order to create a relationship that I can keep as a ‘positive experience’ within me, which is how I see and realize that I had idealized relationships as these merry-go-round opportunities to only ‘enjoy’ myself, but never ever considering a relationship as a point of actual growth and self support, which is how I would create a negative experience whenever something/ someone would be dynamiting the foundation of ‘the loner’ character, as this was in essence a threat to my mind, the ‘who I am’ as my mind as the limitation of myself I have accepted and allowed myself,’ imposing it onto the physical.

    Thus, I see that I only sought for positive experiences within my own relationships and characters of self interest, only being like an addict that looks for a quick fix, have a good time/ a high experience in the moment to then go back to the ‘default’ state of seeking to be ‘more’ through relationships, only getting the quick fix for a moment and then going back to the negative of myself as ‘the loner’ that would then be considered as a positive experience, just to keep myself bounding off from one side to the other with no clarity or even understanding what it is that I was in fact doing to myself, which is abusing myself as the physical, using my mind in order to experience myself as a certain positive or negative mood within the belief that ‘feeling’ and ‘becoming emotional’ was in fact Living.

    I realize that thinking ‘what if this is as good as it gets’ implies seeking to be experiencing something positive at all times based on the ideals and future projections that I participated in about myself and my future when growing up, wherein I accepted ‘following my dreams’ as something viable and acceptable, thinking that people could actually always remain in this ‘blissful’ state within their relationships and their jobs, which is absolutely not so and this is thus how we end up dissatisfied with ourselves, without even questioning how such positive experience has always been the carrot on the stick, presented as such, to be an ever elusive ideal and only attainable to a handful of human beings in the world system that even then, would seek to get more and have more power, which is essentially greed that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to create the moment that we think we are able to ‘be more’ than who we are already as ourselves, as the physical.

    When and as I see myself thinking ‘what if this is as good as it gets?’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am then trying to create a positive experience out of my day to day living breathing here, which is what life is actually about, instead of seeking a positive experience at all cost and ignoring what is it that actually allows such positive experience to exist. Thus, I bring myself back to the physical an walk moment by moment supporting and assisting myself to work, be, do and interact with others within situations/ activities that I realize are actual opportunities and platforms of self-support in order to stop being characters and actually start taking responsibility for the massive consequences we have created when only seeking to be ‘a successful character’ in our reality.

    To be continued…

     

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    Recommended Interview that allowed me to understand this pattern of how the mind functions as an energetic leech that seeks for the next great fix which we manifest as our relationships and decisions in our world:

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    Day 28: I’m Always Right

    The cycle of generating some form of conflict  and friction in our reality to then create and formulate ways to get ourselves out of it into a positive experience is the only way that we can be constantly accumulating these ‘pats of god’ (or god spats lol)  to temporarily satiate our constant yearn to be ‘fulfilled/ happy/ productive’ and yes, creating a sense of comfort out of that initial self-created beaten and won war against, well essentially only ourselves.


    Self Righteous was my ‘flavor’ when it came to living out such pattern, and I am dead honest that I had not realized this until it was pointed out in my face while being at the farm and talking the point of ‘my way’ out, wherein I had deemed that my perceived ‘positive attributes’ didn’t have to be self-forgiven/ corrected, without realizing how they were in fact only generated out of the point that I now understand with more clarity: we birth ourselves as conflict that seeks the eternal completion/ fulfillment/ satisfaction as that positive experience that we have to constantly feed/ upkeep as an elusive ‘state of being’ that has lead us to co-create the current world system where ‘all your dreams can come true’ if you have enough millions in the hole-on-wall and enough needy people to do ‘whatever they can for you’ in exchange of some of your cake’s crumbs.



    So – this constant desire to always be ‘right,’ of always having the ‘ultimate say’ becomes a ‘desire-to-always-win’ pattern wherein any window of opportunity is used to outshine and blind with lights of ‘I know it all’ wherein the more we believe we are ‘right,’ the harder it gets to turn off the light  – why? because all things related to instant gratification are easily consumed. It’s like offering a candy or a vegetable to a ‘regular’ person – they would mostly go for the candy because it creates a nice fluffy feeling, whereas the vegetable is cool for your digestive tract – yet it doesn’t recreate, instigate or enhance any feeling that makes us feel a little piece of heaven for a moment, only running out as the effect of any drug that we then seek to come back for more. The fact that we have equated ‘winning’ to ‘living’ is another one of those capitalistic logical statements that we have adopted as ‘our life’ – and within this, we have accepted ourselves to become our very own dictators of what is right/ wrong, good/ bad in our reality. We all run our own Wall Street in our mind and somehow we always manage to make the algorithms work on our favor – no different to how money runs (or is created out of thin air) in this world.


    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fault in people, things, places, events in order to have the ‘ultimate say’ about it wherein in my mind, I either have to humbly accept that something is ‘cool’ and ‘alright’ or I get the most juice of it all by claiming that ‘it’s wrong, it’s not good enough, it’s flawed’ which proves that I only get the most winning-experience when in my mind I am able to find enough fault/ mistakes that I can judge in order to then correct them within my own mind and in that believe that ‘I can do/ be better than that, my idea was better’


    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I always get the most of the cake/ the most positive reward whenever I am able to prove something/ someone wrong and in that, build my ego up based on ‘finding fault in another,’ wherein such projection can only exist if I seek to prove myself right according to what I ‘believe,’ and ‘what I am’ as an idea in my mind, because I see and realize that in physicality, we are all one and equal – bones, cells, tissue, organs, flesh don’t require to prove something or someone wrong or right in order to exist.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always place myself in my mind above others, wherein no matter what is being said, I cringe whenever there is something that I must admit is ‘right’ and in that, believe that I am ‘diminishing’ myself because of agreeing with another’s words/ statements, wherein because I didn’t get to ‘prove them wrong,’ I am left with my initial state of only seeking to make myself feel ‘more’ and ‘better’ based on placing myself ‘on top’ of others, which can only be a mental masturbation in my mind wherein my ‘success’ is stemming from bashing/ proving others wrong.


    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very judge of everything and everyone in means of seeking ways to always make myself feel better about it all, which implies that I seek to ‘out do’ someone, ‘become better’ based on excelling in comparison to others, wherein I then live a life of constant and continuous strife to ‘always be right,’ because ‘being right’ has become the very definition of how I see myself, who I believe myself to be, because that’s the way that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worthy/ be acceptable/ be important toward others – in this


    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life not for myself but as a constant comparison and projected judgment onto others, without realizing that within this very mechanism of me always ‘being right,’ I am in fact fearing and avoiding ‘being wrong’ at all cost, which implies that


    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘diminish’ who I am as an idea – which is the only thing that can diminish of myself – when realizing that I was in fact ‘wrong’ within a particular circumstance wherein such experience is felt as a failure, as a ‘loss’ which is what generates envy and jealousy whenever we project such loss as an experience toward others that ‘got it right,’ and in that, create an entire antagonism based on only ‘me’ as my ego wanting to continue ‘winning’ all the time, wherein anyone that gets to be on the same/ similar position is seen as an enemy/ threat to who I am as the ego that is always right.


    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very power-game that fuels the idea of myself in this immaculate self-righteous person that suffers and goes into the negative and self-deprecating person if that initial desire and projection as a ‘winner’ is not fulfilled wherein then I step down of the hill all the way down and below sea level, wherein I in fact remain ‘out of competition’ because of perceiving that ‘If I could not do it my way, then fuck it, I won’t play the game any more’, which is the usual way of victimizing myself wherein


    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a victimized state that also requires to be kept ‘alive’ by me deliberately denying that I am capable/ able to direct myself effectively and believing that because I didn’t ‘get it right’ the first time, I just rather pass-on the point/ work/ assignment onto others that ‘have proven to do it right, ‘ which is not an unconditional move but an actual victimized state masked with ‘understanding, ‘which is stemming from the spiteful nature toward ourselves when not getting our immediate ‘fix’ of feeling ‘great’ for ‘always being right’ about something/ someone/ event.


    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the opposite polarity of believing that ‘I always fail at this/ I always get it wrong’ which also gets an energetic kick as an experience whenever another can confirm and commiserate to my own victimization, wherein them agreeing that I am in fact ‘fucked up,’ makes me – absurdly so – feel better, because I was able to get a confirmation from another of what I created for myself as ‘being wrong,’ which in a twisted energetic game becomes a ‘positive experience’ because I got seconded by another in my own mental delusion, proving in my mind that ‘I was right,’ which becomes then a perceived ‘fine’ experience in stagnant self-wrongness that eventually makes us feel ‘good’ as well, because we get the confirmation by others that ‘that’s who I am/ that’s ‘my nature’ and that’s what ‘I deal with,’ yet without the actual understanding of how I created such patterns for myself.



    I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only become a person of ‘good reputation’ when considering that all acts of such self-seeking positive nature support the maintenance of the money system running as the consequence of this desire to only win. Instead I see that any disagreement toward a point of common sense, can only allow myself to reflect within me ‘who am I’ while reading others’ blogs/ sharings and in that, see if I am trying to prove something wrong/ right when and while reading others words.


    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was born out of conflict and in that, becoming Self-Righteous means that I get my satisfaction from being appraised as ‘always right,’ which is what then gets me out of my initial self-perception of being wrong and seeking to ‘be right’ wherein through obtaining the positive feedback, I build the conceptual confidence and stability based on compliments/ words/ perceptions that I believe is ‘who I am,’ therefore perceiving it as a way of accepting ‘who I am’ as ‘always being right’ at the eyes of others, creating me a flattery experience – without realizing that I am the only one that has structured this ‘rewarding game, ‘ wherein others’ expression is fitted into my own rules of the game to make them useful to fulfill my own created patterns of winning, losing, being recognized, being wronged by others, in that scheming my own inner conflict through positive and negative feedback that I have accepted and allowed to define ‘who I am.’


    I realize that I have always only played all of these games in secret, within my mind wherein there is no ‘others eyes’ as judgments other than the thoughts that I constructed within myself at all times. This is then debunking the constant participation within the permanent comparison toward others to assess ‘where am I in relation to others,’ which can only exist within me existing as a value that can be more or less than others, which is ludicrous and can only be ‘real’ as the idea of self – never as who I really am as one and equal as life.


    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I in fact fear to self forgive is my ability to continue existing as a self-righteous person because in that, ‘who I am’ is exposed and mined wherein all that is left for me is to live without being a constant energy seeking machine to be ‘right’ at all times, but instead simply direct myself within the consideration of what’s best for all, wherein I am able to express in a self-directive manner wherein I ensure no backchat as comparison/ judgments/ self righteousness is being the starting point of my participation.


    When and as I see myself assessing others using my right-o-meter as the mental ever-present judge that I’ve become, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all that I am ‘assessing’ is in fact my own mind, projecting judgments onto other which eventually  affect and disrate how I view others – in my mind – and in that be the point that hears/ sees within common sense wherein I allow myself to stand as the correction and then simply externalize it/ communicating, which is then being a supportive point to establish equal-relationships wherein no more competition, rivalry and judgment onto others as right or wrong is perpetuated.


    I commit myself to stop the mechanism of me wanting to be right all the time in order to accumulate ‘props for my ego,’ wherein who I am and has been cannot be defined as knowledge/ information/ self beliefs to feed on. I move me as an assessment of what’s best for all in the moment, without over complicating the point by having to add ‘extra value’ to it –I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt self-righteousness as my personal religion wherein everything I judge upon others ‘is and must be so’ because in my mind ‘I’m always right,’ which is used as a necessary crutch to cover up the initial uncertainty, mistrust, fear and self judgment that is polarized into a positive-view of reality wherein I make sure that I am always ‘winning’


    I commit myself to stop all desires to always win, and in that, give myself back to myself that which I thought I had to ‘prove someone/ something’ wrong to, within this I am able to identify the points that I have separated myself from and in that, assess my application in practicality and living-reality wherein the only law of our being as equality and oneness can be the ultimate say in this reality, not knowledge.


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    Day 5–Judging Self as Words

    Communicating ourselves through and as words requires creating and directing a necessary identification first on how we exist as words. For that we require to create a direct and comfortable relationship with who and how we are and live as words. As we go establishing this point for ourselves, we can expand such self-understanding and communication toward others in an equal and reciprocate manner.

    The following is part of the  support within  Scott’s Self-Forgiveness thread at the forum, which I have walked within the consideration of placing myself in the shoes of another and walking the pattern that is seen through the words shared, and applying Self Forgiveness as if it was my own experience – yet it is when we realize that we are all living currently as different dimensions of one self, therefore I take the point and walk it within the principle of equality and oneness by also taking responsibility for it to ensure that any points that emerge here are a direct construction of myself as well. 

    I’ll quote the writing so that one can have a direct perspective of how the self forgiveness is constructed in relation to the writing itself.

     

    The tendency to remain silent has been a delayed response when I’m listening or reading, then trying to reciprocate with something clear and coherent usually seems like something I’m pressured into, and the result would often be an inaccurate choice of words or what my mind calls nonsense.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief on how I must reply to another while listening or reading and feeling/ experiencing myself as ‘being pressured into it,’ without realizing that I am the only one that is creating such pressure by having created an ideal standard of how I want to reciprocate others based on what I hear/ read.

    I realize that I must first take the necessary steps to see How I have lived reciprocity toward myself as the self-agreement that I am here to establish wherein, by doing so, I am able to extend the same reciprocity toward others as I will have established for myself first the necessary self-communication wherein I use words to disentangle myself from my mind, and direct me out of the ‘ideal’ of ‘how I must reciprocate’ and instead, hear and read unconditionally without automatically participating in the idea that I have to ‘reciprocate’ which is where I am setting my own ‘standard’ of ‘how I must reply,’ and if I don’t ‘reach’ such standard, I judge myself and my expression.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘pressure’ when communicating, when reading and interacting with others in my reality wherein I am existing in the predisposition of ‘having to reciprocate’ according to the standards that I have set for myself, wherein if I don’t ‘meet’ such standards, I judge my choice of words and expression within the belief that I cannot place into words the actual common sense that I see I am able and capable of replying-with if there is a point to share, exchange and add-to as self-support.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a standard as a belief-system of ‘how I must always reciprocate’ within the belief of having to be ‘clear and coherent,’ without realizing that if I still judge my expression as nonsensical/ scattered/ inaccurate choice of words, I am still having a starting point of believing that no matter what I say, it will be ‘inaccurate’ in the moment. Thus

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my expression according to suiting a particular ideal of expression being coherent and clear, without first allowing me to forgive myself for having accepted and allowed to judge words as who I am, wherein I am trying to reach a certain ‘ideal’ in my mind, instead of first walking the point of establishing unconditional expression of myself here, as words, without the initial condition of it having to be ‘clear’ and ‘coherent.’

    I realize that writing is an exercise in itself that will enable me to establish such clarity and coherence without me trying to ‘achieve it’ as something separate from myself. I allow myself to direct myself as words, becoming aware of the words that I speak wherein I can communicate and express in a simple form without creating an over-wrought idea of ‘how it must be.’

    I realize that having participated in an extended application of self-judgment toward my words has created an actual physical experience of ‘feeling’ inaccurate with communication, which is then a point that I realize I am able to direct myself to establish by not wanting to first ‘meet a standard’ of ‘how it must be.’ I let go of prefabricated ideas I have created and imprinted onto words as myself/ words within communication wherein I instead allow myself to learn from scratch, to become aware of what each word is implying as I write for myself how I am willing to live and direct my life from here on by and through words

     

     

    The experience is of being constantly fed up with this pattern in writing along with as speaking, as well as the entire feedback cycle in relation to this point, and I would use it as a reinforcement and justification for remaining silent.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience such as constantly being fed up with a pattern as an ‘inability to write/ communicate’ without realizing how I can only create such experience with words and participation in my mind that I can instead direct through self-forgiveness on the exact points that I am seeing and realizing I am judging ‘by default’ as a pre-existent condition I have created unto writing and speaking.

    I allow myself to open up the experience of ‘being fed up’ as a constant self-experience that can only be created by myself through an accumulation of backchat as self-judgment toward my words based on how I have compared my expression to an ‘ideal’ that I try to ‘meet,’ without first establishing for myself that ability to write without judging my expression as in wanting to meet a certain ‘standard’ and going into self-sabotage the moment that I Believe that I am unable and incapable of being coherent and clear within my communication.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘fed up’ with having feedback upon what I write and say from the starting point of fearing to be judged, without realizing that I am and have been the only one that has created such cycle of self-judgment toward my own expression, without realizing that resisting to read/ hear others’ perspectives is in fact a mechanism that I am using in order to not have the self-created judgment I have imprinted toward myself and my expression.

    I realize that no one is able to judge myself other than myself – therefore, I stop projecting onto others that which I see I can commit myself to stop, which is the participation in self-judgment toward myself as words, my expression, my beingness in any moment. I allow myself to hear, read and get feedback as a way to support myself to walk out of my ego and into a physical reality wherein any judgment has no place to ‘exist in’ other than in my own mind.

    I commit myself to stop myself from judging my expression as words within the terms of being inaccurate and nonsensical, and instead direct myself to write unconditionally from the starting point of supporting me to first stop these preconceived ideas of How I must communicate and/or convey a message, within the realization that I can only free myself from such constrain of trying to fit into an idea of how to reply and reciprocate to others, if I allow myself to first give me the opportunity to let go of the standards I’ve set for myself that I realize, takes actual time and space and practice to establish myself as writing myself to freedom, as righting myself to be unconditional within my own expression and letting go of wanting to meet certain standards at this stage.

    I commit myself to establish myself as comfortable while writing and speaking, which implies that I accept and allow myself to see how I have created any discomfort with myself through my own words.

    Thus I direct myself to become aware of how a single word as a belief of ‘how my expression is’ can in fact create an entire experience of myself toward writing/ communicating. Thus, I walk the necessary process to dig further and investigate to the core of each word that I have accepted and allowed to judge my expression as words with.

    I commit myself to allow me to get to know ‘who I am’ within the words that I express myself as, I realize that I am able to change and give myself a direction that stands within the context of what’s best for all, wherein simplicity is the key to let go of any overwrought and ideals upon my own expression.

     

     

    Being apparently unable to reciprocate in certain moments when it seems appropriate has been a perceived impediment along with the experience of detachment. In noticing the suppression and detachment within myself I want to be the first to criticize myself as if to deprive anyone else of the ‘right’ to do the same.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I have a certain ‘impediment’ that prevents me from being able to communicate and express myself in the moment, even when realizing that I am able and capable of seeing that I am in fact able to give/ share a perspective in common sense, that is self-supportive without having to create an initial self-judgment to the ‘choice of words,’ which is how I have capped my expression as in giving ‘value’ to the words I speak – I allow myself to investigate the values I have imprinted onto ‘expression’ in itself as accuracy, coherency and clarity.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words as another form of self-image wherein the single fixation on how words sound become a separate point from actual expression development, wherein I allow myself to get obsessed with it having to be perfect at all times, and within this, because of fearing not meeting the standard, refraining from even trying, in fear of not being able to equalize that which I can only deem as an acceptable way of expressing myself.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within the belief that ‘I must reciprocate’ as an act of mutual benefit wherein I realize that I cannot do so if I haven’t first established a self-reciprocity wherein I support me to stop receiving from myself an automated judgment implemented onto the words that I speak as myself. I realize that I create myself as words – therefore, I am able and capable of investigating the words that I see hold a certain ‘value’ as an aura of specialness that I have desired myself to equalize myself to, without first taking the steps of taking each word that I have deemed as a limitation within myself and opening it up to see the values I have created and placed in separation of myself.

    I see and realize that the moment that I can clarify for myself the starting point as self-supportive within writing and communicating, any judgment that may still come through such process of self-support must be scrutinized to stop the judgments toward my own self-supportive writing.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘detachment’ which can only exist when I am in my mind trying to defend myself from having to face the truth and reality that I have become, wherein it is safer to ‘detach’ than to engage and actively participate to debunk my own fortress of words as experiences that I see and realize I have created for myself, in separation of ‘who I am’ as the living word – this implies that I must investigate ‘detachment’ as a way to not face myself as my mind, as my own words and see what caused me to create a mind-experience of detachment, without realizing that in this physical reality, I cannot be ‘detached’ from anything as all is here as myself. Thus I investigate the mechanisms that lead me to create ‘detachment’ as a way to believe that I can be separate from the consequence and reality of this world that is myself.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to exist within a self-righteous act of first being able to judge/ criticize myself before others/ someone else does it, without realizing that such judgment can only exist within me and that taking the vantage point of judging myself first is stemming from a belief that anyone can judge myself and have ‘power over me’ while doing so.

    I see and realize the self-righteousness that I have allowed myself to exist as when it comes to defending my own self-limitation, which is certainly not acceptable and I realize I can stop in order to become humble as in grounding myself to walk a process of self support, wherein any feedback and interactions within my every day living are points that I am able to gift to myself as opportunities to face myself and correct myself within the consideration and principle of what is best for all as equals, as I realize that existing in perpetual self-judgment is only remaining bound to a singled-I perspective of myself as my mind, wherein I am not in fact taking myself into consideration as the realization of who and what I am exists as a physical body that doesn’t require to be judged in order to exist.

     

     

    I notice that I’m basically expecting to be misinterpreted through choice of words and overall expression, including silence, bracing and suppressing myself through the maintenance of the whole cycle, while fixating on the perception of it as a problem that I apparently can’t solve, which is essentially trying to limit communication based on the pattern formed from past memories and experiences.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a future projection of expecting to be misinterpreted while communicating/ interacting with others due to how I have allowed myself to judge my own expression, choice of words which is a self-sabotage mechanism wherein remaining silent is a way to keep myself ‘safe’ from being able to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as a fortress that I have built throughout space and time as ‘who I am.’

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own belief and/or fear of being misinterpreted for being silent, when this is something that I can only allow myself to exist as if I have judged my own silence as a mechanism to suppress my ability to communicate and interact in any given moment.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of silence a comfortable space in my mind wherein I don’t have to expose myself in fear of being judged by others as the words that I speak.

     

    I realize that it will take space and time and specificity to dedicate myself to deconstruct the fortress that I have built toward myself and my own expression as the ability to replace such bricks of self-recrimination, self-judgment and self-sabotage with bricks as the input of self-support, self-acceptance and self-direction that I am able to give to myself in every moment that I stop from participating in the usual patterns of self-judgment in my mind toward myself and my expression.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of communication and interaction a moment and event wherein I have to be in a defense-mode from ‘being judged by others,’ without realizing that such judgment is stemming from myself only, thus projecting it onto others as a belief that what I see within myself as judgments is ‘who I am’ – I realize that it is my responsibility for having allowed myself to be affected by the words that others may say or think about me , and that I can only participate in such cycles of judgment within the belief that who I am can be ‘judged by others’ which can only happen if I allow such judgment to exist within me first.

    I commit myself to take responsibility to not project onto others that which I have judged within my self – I realize that this is able to be walked as I walk myself out of any inkling of judgment that I have created toward myself as the expression and choice of words, which I realize I am the directive principle of in every moment that I am able to stop any point of self-judgment, apply self forgiveness for it and give it a new input/ direction that will stand as a constructive direction that I realize I am able and capable of giving myself to in every moment that I am here as breath, directing myself and not being directed by my own mind, which is the epitome of imitation.

    I equalize myself as self-direction in order to direct my mind a myself within the starting point of what’s best for all to express and live as.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create words as problems, as experiences within me that I realize I have created through the accumulation of participating in my mind as fears, judgments and any other limitation wherein I then believe that such words that I have adopted as ‘who I am’ are in fact a ‘reality’ of myself, without realizing how I created such ‘problems’ for myself by my direct participation in allowing me to be diminished, judged, criticized and limit myself by becoming words that are not supportive to live.

    Thus I realize that I can direct myself to stop the fixation of a problem and instead, fixing it by taking the necessary steps of self-correction which will require me going into the core of the words that I see I am living as a ‘problem’ and walking the necessary process to disengage from such limitation while giving myself practical direction to support myself as one and equal, as the ability to express without any limitation created in my own mind.

    I realize that I am the only one that is able to solve the experiences that I have defined as an impediment or a problem within myself, as I realize that I created them in the first place.

    I take self responsibility to correct the patterns that I have allowed myself to limit myself with, wherein I become the directive principle of the life that I am here writing in order to structure myself to live the words that are self-supportive for myself – in common sense.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take memories and experiences of the past as a precondition to any given moment that I am able to communicate, wherein I am then sabotaging my stance according to How I experienced myself in moments of communicating in the past as memories that I have kept ‘as who I am,’ which have only limited myself to remain bound to an ‘idea’ of ‘who I am while communicating.’ Thus, I direct myself to open up and disclose for myself all the experiences that I’ve held and kept as myself in similar situations to unconditionally let go of all limitations that I have created as an inability to communicate/ interact/ reply in a moment of interaction.

    I see that reciprocity can only exist while and when I have in fact established myself as the self-agreement of support to make sure I stop all judgments as ‘who I am’ and commit myself to root out the embedded beliefs of limitation that are only existent as words that I have allowed myself to create as the idea of ‘who I am.’

    I commit myself to investigate the words that I have created myself as within the terms of self-limitation and self-judgment, as I see and realize that it is within the memories and the past that I have kept as ‘who I am’ that all the keys to ‘what I am’ now exist. Thus, I direct myself to dig into the words I’ve lived as self-limitation and self-judgment in order to understand how I am responsible for my own experience, and how I am able to give myself proper direction to stand one and equal to the words I speak which means, scripting myself to live words that are self-supportive within the consideration of what’s best for all.

    I realize that any experience that I have created toward ‘others’ in the moment of communication is only my own reflection and mirror of who I am within and as my mind, which is then what I work with instead of believing that I can be judged by others without my consent to do so. I realize that in order for me to establish a process of self-agreement of self-support, I have to let go of defending myself as my mind and arguing for my limitations, which is simply an indication that the moment that I see such limitations coming up, I am able to Stop, breathe and find the practical direct-solution to such limiting judgment and direct myself in the moment that the thought arrives to investigate how I have accepted and allowed myself to become such word I speak/ write/ communicate as ‘who I am.’

    I commit myself to investigate myself as the words that I speak, to become specific in scripting myself to give myself practical and tangible solutions to every point that I see I have diminished myself to – therefore it is a process of self-support wherein I walk self-forgiveness to expose the patterns that I have lived as fears, limitations, judgments that tamper my ability to express – and direct myself to give a proper input once that the ‘old’ is self-forgiven.

     

    I realize that I must do this in order to not let the points only be ‘exposed’ yet without having any proper direction, as that is equal to empty statements that are ‘gone with the wind’ as the mind will only be temporarily ‘exposed’ but not given full correction, which gives space for the same pattern to re-emerge. Thus I commit myself to give myself practical corrections that I see and realize I can live and apply in the immediacy of the context and events wherein I identify I experience such judgments and suppressions.

    I let go of the idea of my writings having to be done in a perfect manner, I allow myself to see that perfection is not built and created ‘overnight’ as it has taken us time and space within an existential process of having detached from such perfection by our own acceptance and allowance of separation form ourselves as our own mind.

    I see and realize that the experiences that I am facing at the moment are the direct result of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become in separation of ‘who I am’ as life.

    Life is at this moment for myself being able to express, communicate, interact and participate in my physical reality without limitations and self-imposed boundaries, which is then recognizing my ability to give myself structure to establish a world as words of self-support that I vow myself to live as ‘who I am,’ through physically stopping and correcting/ directing the patterns that I have limited and reduced myself to within my mind.

    I allow myself to expand my ability to express without holding any preconceived idea of ‘how’ and ‘who’ I must be while doing so, I allow myself to give myself that moment of innocence while and when I write myself to recognize my own creation and direct myself to correct it in Self-Responsibility for one’s own experience and for all in equality.

     

    “In the BEGINNING was the the Word and the Word was God and the Word was With God, = See — we are Living Words, The Word made Flesh, The selF. Only one Problem. Where there is a Beginning there is an END. Only through ENDING what we have become as the Living Word will we be Able to recreate ourselves as Words and a WORLD that is Best for Life and for this we Must Become Life or end as a FILE in the Annals of History — just a Memory. Join the forum at Desteni.” – Bernard Poolman

     

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    ‘Reality-Insight and not Mind-feeling’

    “All experience is always judgment” – Bernard Poolman

    experience
    n    noun
    1    practical contact with and observation of facts or events.
    2    knowledge or skill gained over time.
    3    an event or activity which leaves a lasting impression.
    n    verb encounter (an event or situation). Øfeel (an emotion).

     

    If we understand that we are currently walking-experiences, we can see that everything that we go through is assessed by the mind as an experience – Life is Not an Experience yet we are currently walking as mind-created experiences wherein we can simply stop identifying ourselves as the feeling/emotion/judgmental experience and instead SEE through practical living-application how we can go living ourselves as a point of change – yes, it will still be a mind-perception of yourself yet it will be a more physical experience wherein no more backchat is directing the reality but simple physical living interaction – this is what we’re walking.

     

    How we use the tools is to identify ourselves as the experience that we’ve become of thoughts, emotions and feelings and as we go stopping we will still experience ourselves in a certain manner as we are currently existing as mind consciousness systems that assess and value everything according to one’s established parameters – we’re establishing parameters that are aligned with what’s best for all in common sense which certainly creates a guideline of how we are able to practically physically live and still experience ourselves yet not clogged and stuffed with emotions and feelings and useless thoughts, but instead allow ourselves to stand equal to the mind to direct ourselves. That’s what’s here as ourselves hence we direct us to the best possible outcome that’s livable/ walkable in this reality through direct realization of it being in fact so.

     

    This is how we realize that all knowledge must go, that all past perceptions as experiences of ‘who we are’ must be self forgiven and let go of because all of them are holds that keep the system in place – we are the system and unless we stop feeding the same constructs and walking in absolute directive principle, we’ll re-create the same patterns over and over again which is in essence recreating the past of self-enslavement with no self-direction consideration.

     

     

    “the price that must be paid for our blindness due to experiences” – Bernard Poolman

    We’ve disregarded life while wallowing in our mental diseases that we’ve accepted as ‘human nature’ as ‘our life experience’ – this is only one of the reasons why giving up the mind is giving up the actual harm and abuse imposed on to life – it’s only fair that we’ve got to walk now from the consequences of such continued disregard to what is here as ourselves while existing as the helmets on the head.

     

    It’s clear that the physical body doesn’t ‘experience’ knowledge or values/ judgments upon comparison, worth imposed over things and people – all of that is but mind-creations, huminds creations that we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to wallow in. The physical just IS:

    “The physical -has no agenda, need to know nothing, is already in full design, and live as it breathes, as it eats, as it fucks, as it touch. The mind – has judgments, reasons, meanings, laws about everything -without actually understanding anything.” – Bernard Poolman

    So physical-experience is still an experience yet has nothing to do with the mental schemes of values/worth/judgments that we impose on to that which functions as a vital system – the physical is a vital system that doesn’t require us to ‘think’ to function – example is how body digests and absorbs nutrients without us having to direct a single thing of that process, we’re not even aware of how it all takes place, that’s proof of how detached we are of our own physical body.

     

    “mathematics shows that if one follow common sense and NOT experience–we can change the world”
    – Bernard Poolman

    So, in terms of participation in reality, we’ve got to stick to the physical cross-reference of ourselves, to remain here as breath to simply stop feeding our ‘life as an experience’ and simply walk here with the necessary points to be done.

     

    We’ve discussed how the mind-experience is still overriding common sense living which is the physical living wherein everything is ‘there’ for all to see. An experience is only experienced by each one, it’s ‘invisible’, it takes place in the mind of each one – that’s how we’ve lived as separate bubbles as our thoughts, just this globe on our heads that no one sees yet we know ‘it’s there’, creating an alternate experience of what’s Here as our physical body that lives, that exists in simplicity.

     

    “when you die–the experience abruptly ends” – BP

    So, the point to realize here is that we cannot just stop ourselves being an experience as that would imply we’d have to die – as the above quote presents – so what’s practical here to do? We simply direct ourselves to be living here as the physical, to breathe in and out to literally heal ourselves from all the damage we’ve done to this world, to ourselves as our physical body poisoned by all our mind back-chatter. It is insane that we’ve lived as constant self-abuse machines without ever even pondering if that was ‘natural’ to do – yes, our “human nature” is severely fucked up and not at all in harmony with the physical.

     

    Human nature as experience

    We can then see how it’s been a HUGE Lie from our world system to identify that the glorious thing about humanity was to possess a mind to think, feel, experience, etc – that is the very thing that allowed us to get into our EGO of the mind and thus possess this world through the marvelous Machiavellic existence as Egos that want to conquer and dominate everything and everyone.

    Is that what we want to remain like?

    No, absolutely not.

     

    So, hereby I express how I am not willing to second the mind in its own glorification, survival and regurgitation – that has simply created hell on Earth and I’d like to quote Bernard once more because these words must be heard everywhere possible:

     

    “Ego is the acceptance as self as superior to others in truth and thus the allowance of chaos to find an angle with which to screw all competition till only the ego version of truth remains — then the ego were right and for this, the ego will destroy the planet” – Bernard Poolman

     

    We’re walking as all of these points, we are supporting ourselves to become effective in simply stopping ourselves from living as walking-experience and instead get us into a living-physical reality wherein no backchatter exist as directive principle and prime influence over ourselves dictating our experience as ‘who we are’.

    We are experiences walking into the living reality – and this is how we’ll continue walking because we see, realize and understand how the humind motivated by internal back-chat has created the current system to be of such abusive and unequal nature, we have seen how the humind in search for new experiences has lead this entire world to the brink of destruction while trying to ‘experience more’ and ‘get more’ which has become the drive for all human action.

     

    So from here one when we share ourselves, we’ve got to make sure that we speak from direct-seeing here as part of our physical amalgamation to the reality that is HERE physical and not only sharing the reaction that is mostly emotional/feeling based according to past-patterns that exist as the mind –  as Sunette pointed out

    ‘Reality-Insight and not Mind-feeling’

     

    When we are existing in our mind we are only caring for our personal fulfillment of the idea that we’ve become, we don’t consider the totality of reality that is here as ourselves. By exerting a single opinion or judgment upon this world, we are in fact supporting the existence of such judgment as part of the reality we live in. We’ve become so used to criticize and point-fingers at ‘others’ instead of actually simply dedicating ourselves to STOP from remaining as complaining systems instead of being in fact the solution to all this humind distortion of reality: stopping ourselves from participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions = stopping existing as the mind and start living as the physical.

     

    We’ve got to stop living as the Illusion – the ill-uses we’ve placed as value/worth on to what is simply here – it is a constant addiction to seek experiences in everything, everyone out of virtually anything – even if it’s something as simple as going out we tend to seek to have an experience out of it, out of watching nature, sometimes even creating a mental experience of breathing ! lol that’s in essence how meditation works, quite a mental job indeed.

     

    So, we’re all here learning how to actually in-fact live, this is the process – we’re all in this together at the same level and so we simply are here to walk and live and share and support ourselves within it.

    This is where we’re currently at walking as a group of people that are willing themselves to live and let go/stop/terminate all the illusion of this world – that’ll in essence will eventually expand to changing the current world system as part of this realization on physical-tangible living wherein no more super imposed caps exist on life.

     

    No more mental-limitations to what is HERE as Life.

     

    Let’s continue breath-walking


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