Tag Archives: props in the system

236. Perfect Slave with Badges of Honor

“from Intelligence to IntelliSENSE would be the process from knowledge and information, to commonsense practical reasoning” – Sunette Spies

 

Continuing from:

 

Self Forgiveness on the Intelligence Character:

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define intelligence according to ‘having good grades in school’ and being recognized as superior/  more than others for that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link intelligence to responsibility within the context of how I developed this skill of being able to learn/memorize things and do the respective tasks/ assignments at school in a timely and precise manner which suited the character of being ‘intelligent and responsible’ within the context of school only, believing that I was in fact ‘intelligent’ and ‘responsible’ as form of special trait within me, without realizing they were just skills developed and used within only a particular field of my reality such as school, yet in terms of other aspect of myself I would not be responsible and would not be common sensical to question reality further than what I was taught about it, which proves then that intelligence was a self-belief fueled by others within my reality as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of self definition toward knowledge and information as ‘what I am good for’ in terms of working with it, memorizing it and as such due to how our school system is configured, the more you memorize stuff = the more intelligent you are considered – within this missing out an actual ability to discern what is of real value in this world as life and physicality, just because of learning how to cultivate and attain this ‘superiority’ of mind, that actually only serves the same system as the world system that is configured as our individual minds, within this supporting the inherent separation that we’ve become as fully fledged mind systems that disregard the physicality that we are as equality, learning to value life within the mind according to knowledge and information that later on becomes money to sell oneself within the system in order to be able to live – that’s what our knowledge and information has served then: energy and not life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, consider and believe that intelligence was a ‘positive trait’ within human beings as something that I had to cultivate, without ever being actually common sensical about this association and placing it within the context of how the world is functioning where no super-intelligent being has made use of such intelligence to present and promote solutions that could change the way we live and participate within this world, within an actual regard of what’s best for all. This is what must be now regarded as an actual intelligence as intelliSense that is able to be cultivated, promoted and integrated within human beings through us sharing how we have come to understand that we have never lived in common sense, but only followed knowledge and information as ‘who we are,’ separating ourselves from our own physicality and diminishing ourselves to be this limited version as a database that is functional within only a certain aspect in our reality. Not at all what Living Life should be about.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that such intelligence was dependent on the ability to memorize and how I created a relationship to memorize knowledge and information with certain ‘ease’ according to the environment and the conditions I was brought up in – For more explanation on this, hear the Quantum Mind Self Awareness Part 37 that explains how Language is formed and as such, what our ‘intelligence’ in fact is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited every time that I would be able to absorb more knowledge and information within the belief that ‘the more I know/ memorize and accumulate, the More I am’ but not from a reality-understanding perspective, but just piling up the data of knowledge and information that we have to go through within our education and define myself according to it, within this creating a positive experience toward learning, which I also judged because I was supposed to ‘hate school’ as everyone else did, but I didn’t – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy the perspectives of people toward school/ learning as something that is not desirable, and creating an entire self definition according to ‘who I am’ as in secretly enjoying the accumulation of knowledge and information and build a self definition around it, while keeping an opposite façade toward my peers so that I would not be able to be called a nerd or any other name that is pejorative toward anyone that is ‘good’ in school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place this ‘extra value’ toward who I am as this ‘intelligent character’ without realizing that it wasn’t really a ‘virtue’ but only knowledge and information that I had a certain ability to imprint/ memorize within myself, but, being also aware of how there was no practical application for that, other than getting ‘good grades’ in school and being able to explain how things work from what I read in books, which implies that all I have ever done as my supposed ‘intelligence’ was copying-pasting information in my mind to be able to use it as required – which, for that matter, we are all equally within this application as mind systems, wherein everything we do is out of memory that we’ve gotten from our parents and past generations, the environment itself with specific programmed patterns that we integrate at a physical level and simply ‘automate’ our living through that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that anything that is knowledge and information can only exist as the mind consciousness system, as that part of me that I have delegated my actual physical hereness and self directive awareness to, wherein I have defined myself according to the ‘cultivation of knowledge’ as a prop for my own identity/ personality as ego – and within this, diminish myself to be ‘only good for one thing’ which was just being this ‘intelligent character’ while neglecting to cultivate/  apply myself within the aspects that I thought were simply ‘not my thing’ without even trying them out,  such as being one and equal with my physical and being more physical in my every day living, due to having cultivated my mind for the most part of my life. Hence

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as being ‘good’ for dealing/ handling with knowledge and information and any Mind-work and be sucking at/ bad/ not good enough for any Physical-work, not realizing this was the result of my own self belief played out as ‘who I am’ according to this inherent acceptance of every human being only being good at some things and not good at others, and blindly accept this as such and define good and bad according to my own belief of who I am toward certain activities.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to not question this ‘intelligence’ that I apparently had, and within this not ponder about the information that I was integrating within myself, which was only a limited perception of what we as mind systems have been able to depict and define about humanity and reality, believing that it is in fact so, believing it to be real, without realizing that all that I cultivated was myself as a mind consciousness system looking at itself as such,  but never as an actual physical being that can be absolutely self aware in every moment of breath – wherein one would not require to Know about reality through knowledge and information, but be here in self awareness and understanding all the relationships we hold as part of the whole.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that I had in fact a form of ‘gift’ for having this ‘ease’ with studies/ knowledge and information and its integration, without realizing that it was all just based on an ability to copy information, store it and then, speak it out.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be aware of this copy-speaking information at a certain level and compare myself to people that I deemed as ‘real intelligent people’ who were actually simply only doing the same mechanism, but veered toward other fields that I considered ‘beyond myself’ such as mathematics, physics and engineering which I believed were ‘superior’ than my so-called intelligence, which proves that even if one deems intelligence as part of one’s ability, there will always in the mind be a point of comparison to make oneself more or less than, invariably so, as in the mind one is seemingly never ‘good enough.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘bad’ whenever anyone would say ‘I want to be like you’ wherein I would mostly ask a non-existent god ‘but WHY can’t they also have it easy?’ yet at the same time, believing that I had this ‘gift’ for some miraculous reason and not question it further, not challenge it but only later on spite it, only to end up spiting myself of course.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use intelligence later on as a way to make up for all the other apparent flaws I had, such as lacking an actual physical condition that would be the most healthy or good looking according to the social standards, or being comfortable in socializing – which I only acquired later through association – but for the most part, believe that I could Not have it all, and that I had been given this ‘intelligence’ and that something had to be ‘flawed’ within me in return, such as struggling with accepting myself as my physical appearance, or not having a great physical conditions for sports of high impact and so forth – all of which became part of the limitations I accepted and allowed through family beliefs wherein I learned that we were ‘good’ for being ‘intelligent’ but we would suck at sports or any other outdoor physical activity, within this accepting such limitation as ‘real’ and later on actually living it out as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define and direct my life within this limited scope accepted and allowed self definition within the belief that ‘I am only good at being intelligent’  – and within that only, create this inner conflict within me based on ending up believing that I was intelligent in fact, and that I was not good at other aspects or fields even within knowledge and information in itself, which became thus a reduced point for me to believe that I was probably only good at being intelligent from the perspective of being mostly obeying the system and that’s it, which within this created a personality of responsibility linked to ‘being intelligent’ which is where my fuck up exists,

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within the desire to spite this so-called intelligence’ I ended up challenging it because of how I had been fed up with being only associated throughout my life to being this ‘intelligent and responsible person’ that I saw as utterly useless, since within me, there was a lot of inner conflict for not having been able to define who I really was outside of that character/abilities and as such, believing it was ‘unfair’ that I could only be valued for this limited ability to store knowledge and information and speak it out, therefore seeking for other ways to be recognized, praised by others in the opposite pole as in the emotional/ feeling aspect, which I why I deliberately veered toward an ‘artistic career’ and ditched any other expectations teachers, parents or anyone else had told me about such as opting for careers/ professions dealing with numbers, science or further ‘mind cultivation careers’ without realizing that everything in this world-system is currently existent as the mind in itself, therefore there is no point such as something being more ‘humane’ as I defined emotions/ feelings to be than a structural-knowledge and information career, since all that I really am was obviously disregarded within this equation, which is neglecting the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place up a ‘high expectation’ on myself for being apparently this bright person and within this feed my specialness and uniqueness within and throughout my life, within this love/ hate relationship of wanting to be recognized as intelligent and at the same time, hate it because of only being reduced to that, which is just a conflictive-play out in my mind that is always existent whenever we define who we are as our mind and the mind thrives off of energy created through any form of friction and conflict that generates emotions and feelings. Within this creating a ‘depressed state’ because of realizing how I had this apparent flaw to establish personal relationships, because of only being perceived as this ‘intelligent responsible person that others feared’  and creating my own bubble of self-pity just as another entertainment and tunnel vision for myself while growing up.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to then seek to spite my own ‘intelligence’ by wanting to develop what I believed was ‘more human’ within me, which was all the emotional/feeling character that I deliberately started developing so that I could be identified more with a more ‘humane scope’ of who I am as these feelings and emotions as ‘sensitivity’ other than being only this rational or ‘intelligent’ person that can memorize stuff and get good grades in the schooling system. Within this, believing firmly that who I really was, were my emotions and feelings, which is how I cultivated this aspect a  lot in a deliberate manner, which is what I am walking as a process wherein I made decision in my life based on satisfying and fulfilling this ‘sensitivity character’  linked to an ‘artistic’ apparent trait.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that no matter which career or which ‘side’ I would cultivate ‘who I am’ in, it was all based on energy – either through the ‘logical/intellectual’ side and aspect as the ‘intelligent character’ or the other one as the ‘sensitive/humane’ character as all the emotional/feeling development that I built as ‘who I am’ – all were based on and as the mind in itself in both aspects that we tend to veer our lives around: being structural or expressive and creating an inner conflict about that, wherein I ended up ‘spiting’ the structural side, the logical/ intellectual/ knowledgeable side and opted to define me as the ‘expressive’ side, not realizing that in this decision, I never considered myself as the physical body in and as a Self-Equality, but only that which I would be able to ‘experience’ at a mind level, which proves how this system in its entirety has never in fact regarded physicality as who we are, since we are always veering toward one side or the other as self definitions in our mind, without even understanding how our very own physical body works, which should already have placed a massive question that I never asked in terms of why we are not self-aware of every single cell of our physical body and the rest of reality for that matter, proving to what extent such perceived intelligence was never ‘real’ as I accepted this entire world ‘as is,’ even if it created a point of inner conflict at times, I would simply let go of the conflict and focus on what I was able to grasp and integrate as ‘who I am’ as more knowledge and information.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still for some reason wanted to believe that I could hold on to this perceived ‘positive trait’ within me, which for that matter would be like wanting to hold on to my mind as this ego-personality that I’ve become to such an extent, that I have not been able to absolutely let go of it. I realize that we live in a system wherein the ability to store knowledge and information and speak about it is regarded as intelligence, and that it is thus my duty as part of my process to direct this ability to develop an actual common sensical understanding of life and living, wherein there is no knowledge and information per se  to memorize, but only understand the processes that lead us to be and become who we are, and within this, be able to transmit it, share it as part of the basic education that we will be living and actually Applying as part of our alignment to that which is Real as ourselves, as physical beings that are integrated with common sense as practical living skills that are applicable within understanding how reality works and as such, direct ourselves within that understanding toward a best for all outcome.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only believe that I was a system that can regurgitate knowledge and information and that probably that was ‘it’ for me, that was my task, in this – I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish the totality of who I am as a physical being, a part of this whole to a Very limited configuration of a mind system that exists as an energetic churning machine, that consumes physicality to be able to ‘run its course’ and believe that ‘that was all that I am’ and that I had to accept other ‘flaws’ within me because I had to apparently be grateful for being this ‘intelligent person.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the accumulation of memories of people saying that I was intelligent and ending up believing that I was in fact so, which is how we trap ourselves in lies and self definitions toward each other, instead of actually recognizing each other as the life that we really in fact are as equals, that physicality is not defined by a mind-configuration in itself but exists here as the innocence of what life should be, untainted by our energetic schemes that divide and separate ourselves from ourselves and from living in itself, limited to cultivating our minds only and forgetting even about breathing.

 

What type of intelligence is this that we’ve defined ourselves as where we can spend the days Thinking and not even being aware of being a breathing living human being?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had some form of advantage within this process due to this so-called intelligence, which is really nothing else but being able to remember things with probably a bit of more ease, within the realization that it does not make oneself ‘more’ than others, it is just like others being able to have a perfect physical condition to run for a long time and I believe myself to be incapable of doing that, without realizing that all such points entail a physical training and practice – either cultivating the mind or physical activity – nothing is simply ‘magically’ here as a certain ability.

 

The proof of this is that if a kid was born between animals and that kid had no ability to develop memory in the way that a child would do within the ‘family environment’ as in having parents and school speaking words, experiences, and as such learning how to memorize the words, sounds, alphabet, etc. they would simply be considered as ‘not intelligent’ within the system standards, but probably that child would have learned practical skills to survive on their own within a particular environment, which proves that what we currently define as ‘intelligence’ is according to this configuration of the world based on knowledge and information that supports this entire limited-version of reality that we live in, which is then placing on a pedestal all people as walking knowledge and information databases that will enable the continuation of the same system in place, which is then where we as people that are becoming self aware of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become, must stop the continuation of this superior/ special regard to all such knowledge and information that supports the ‘old system,’ and instead focus on walking our own integration of common sensical living wherein we Live the redefinition of intelligence to intellisense: from knowledge and information to a common sensical living awareness of ourselves as physical beings in a physical world, where no more knowledge and information, including our emotions and feelings, define ourselves and limit us between either sides of the poles, but equalize everything that we have been and become through these energetic associations toward our reality, which includes all our self-definitions that simply do not regard life or consider equality as who we really are.

 

“Intelligence is a programme of consciousness/the mind  that consist of and exist as the/a entire body of knowledge and information definitions about ourselves/ ‘who we are’ and our relationships towards ourselves, others and this world as a whole that in fact separate us from ourselves, each other and this world/physical existence. Because we’ve created relationships towards ourselves, others and this world through definitions/programmes within our Mind, and not in fact lived and actual real physical equality and oneness with ourselves, each other and this world. Intelligence is the programme/manifestation that actually separate us from establishing real/eternal relationships of physical equality and oneness” – Sunette Spies

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the relationship of myself toward myself through my mind only and in this, accept the limited scope of defining me as only knowledge and information that I Thought I was ‘good at handling,’ without realizing that in this, any form of actual common sense development was not cultivated, because of learning only through copying and pasting and remaining within the standards and frames of what was good/ right, making me more like the example of what a ‘perfect system’ within this system would be like: being responsible, not questioning further and doing everything I was asked to do. Perfect slave with badges of honor.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be aware to a certain extent of what a lie this intelligence was, but accept it because it ‘at least’ made me feel ‘more’ than others within my mind and create a point of specialness, uniqueness and stand as an example of how to be the perfect system for others to copy, which I believed was my role and simply had to play along, not questioning the actual hierarchical separation and segregation I was cultivating within this all, which is unacceptable to say the least since I only regarded ‘How I experienced myself as an intelligent/ non intelligent  person,’ disregarding the effect of accepting such character within the schooling system and those that had to be deemed as ‘inferior’ for me to be the ‘superior one.’

 

I breathe, I stabilize myself physically and walk through the manifested consequences due to my own accepted and allowed playing of characters without considering physical reality consequences.

 

More to come in the next blog, continuing dissecting this knowledgeable entity that I have dragged as ‘who I am’ and directing myself to equalize myself in all ways to my own physicality.

 

sytem me

 

 

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235. Intelligence = Profitable Props for the Ego

 

“the Teacher know a lot of Knowledge and Information, that comes from books and sources, which they do not have Direct-Access to in as much as, Ensuring that what they are Teaching, is in fact the Truth. It All Depends on your Culture, and where you Find yourself in the World, as to What you’ll be Taught and what the Teacher will be Teaching. This Knowledge and Information will be Aligned with the current Social-System, and All Critical Thinking will be Aligned to Justify the Current Social System. So, is it then really, actually, Critical Thinking? With using Religion as the Justification why All Men cannot be Equal, Blaming God for Creating Man Unequal – makes the whole Point easy, to Imprint a most Strange thing: the Point of Competition. In Sales, this is called: “the point to watch for”, which is in fact a Distraction, because – while the Person’s focusing on “the point to watch for”, which is the Distraction like for instance, Competing in some form of Sport or in the Academic World, or just looking at the Teacher Performing the Act of Teaching: the Actual Education is happening in the Background, which is Pacifying the Child to Submit Completely to Authority and Control, and Accept the Current System and their lot in Life.” – Bernard Poolman*

 

If who I was defined within the system as ‘intelligent’ is measured by the above mentioned considerations, one can realize that I have only believed myself to be another ‘currency’ based on fake values within the system. I knew that every time anyone labeled me as ‘intelligent’ it was a lie I had I just learned early on to play the game of good grades, build a reputation and have it all go easily for me in school with some, what I can say, preprogrammed traits. I’ve written out some time ago about my decisions in life being based on ‘spiting’ this responsible/ intelligent character, mostly to avoid being seen as a nerd or simply an apparent intelligent person which I would mostly dislike due to the obvious separation/ inequality that it breeds, but at the same time ended up accepting as if I really just ‘that’ because everyone seemed to say so. ‘Cultural and Intelligent, she’ll get very high’ can be read in my ‘senior high school year book’ and there I was slightly smiling to a bright future, probably did get high but not in social ranks of any sort, mostly within my mind and using everything that I could to fly away from my responsibility as a human being, oh yes, that was my specialty and became my career, my bright way to ‘spite’ everyone’s expectations – yes, only did it to myself obviously.

 

But, was any of that real intelligence? I remember struggling a lot because I simply found it so easy to deal with information and learn stuff, and people would ask all the time ‘how do you do it’? or ‘I want to be like you!’ and I had no answer because it was just reading it and that’s it, so I would give a little explanation of how they could do the same that I would do: be responsible, do your homework, pay attention in class, read before the exam and that’s it. People thought I would study for hours on, lol, but as I’ve explained, I would spend those hours on absorbing images and sounds from the TV of which I am still finding every day it’s more of a chunk of old skin that I simply can’t shed so quickly, now that’s the real ingrained part of my ‘learning years’ as everything that I imprinted a LOT of emotions and feelings toward. School? Yes, knowledge and information, being  a ‘good student’ according to teachers and classmates forged within a school system that only regards what is ‘good/ excelling’ within its own little realm of a’s and b’s – 10’s and 9’s here, all indicators of how obedient one would be as a slave in the system. And yes here it is to understand that we STILL live in this system, so even when I was full aware of this in my last years of school, I kept my grades up just to have a cool curriculum within the system, which is what does matter at this stage – not that I actually ‘value’ myself as such grades.

 

To me it was pretty clear how getting A’s/ 10’s meant reward, I’d feel ‘bad’ every time my father would say I deserved something for it, I said I did it for myself, but would eventually end up extending my hand and getting some money for it, so that I could buy my own reward for being ‘such a good student,’ which became just a synonym for pride and show off from my parents to others, and our regular ‘reputation’ – I say ‘our’ because of my sisters being the same.  Yeah, responsibility and discipline, orderly were part of my inherited traits – does that make it ‘fair’ for everyone else? No, is it then a curse? Not either, it simply means that we’ve lived in an unequal way wherein some ‘got it easy’ and some are meant to suffer more in order to achieve similar results or at least the ‘closest’ to it, sometimes, that’s virtually impossible. Why? Because the system was inherently designed that way: no one was meant to be Perfect. I say ‘meant’ because it is preprogramming and an entire system of energetic systematic processes wherein no matter if you were ‘bright’ in some field of your life, another would be absolutely crap so that one would never be satisfied in all aspects of self, which was obviously my case as well. (for more understanding of how this reality works, read Understanding Reality on the various blogs and pins there)

 

I sure could stand on podiums and be the recognized as the ‘best student’ throughout all my school years… does that define who I am? That’s the point to investigate here – of course at face value I say No, but the mere resistance to say it as it is means that I had suppressed it because of being ‘ashamed’ of having played this sectarian hierarchical role within school, which is then indicating I still hold a relationship toward it of self-definition.  I am aware that such trait is not a physical ability as life is not about intelligence as the ability to parrot knowledge and information, but being able to discern reality within common sense and self honesty to act, do and say what’s best for all. And that I learned at Desteni, and that is available for everyone equally. This how I debunked the entire ‘carefully crafted’ self idea/ personality of mine wherein even my attempt to ‘spite my ego’ backfired with further confusion about reality and layers that I still have to walk as the reasons why I followed through a particular road and what was it that I attempted to avoid facing.

 

I’m grateful for al the education I had of course, otherwise I would not be here. I’m grateful within the understanding of how there is only a few chances in this world to be born in a condition and environment where we can get educated and even more so, be able to integrate it as the system preparation it is.

 

Each year that went by in kindergarten, I remember my teacher saying that I would go ‘getting loose’ because I had gotten there as the ‘strong’ one, the serious, responsible, and adamant when discussing with my mother how I wanted to go to school even if I was sick, just because that would make me ‘lose track’ and fear falling behind on my sticks and apples type of calligraphy lesson, lol. I am aware of me actually enjoying being more mischievous later on and using my reputation to my advantage: no one would figure out it was ‘me’ that could do anything wrong. I still find that quite annoying to say the least, and I appreciate anyone that takes the time to correct me in any possible way, it’s been counted times that I can say that in relation to my process and each point were vital to understand myself better – it only happened here at Desteni that people would take that point of support –  anywhere else it is as if you just have this ‘all access pass’ as some form of ‘godliness’ and no one dares to question you – hello, that’s how I was able to get ‘what I wanted’ only to regret it later because of the starting point of it obviously not being self honest. This is quite dangerous if such person loses any ground and then just flies on ‘autopilot’ with such ‘intelligent reputation’ fuel with no question – there’s no doubt that many people that have been graded as ‘A students’ end up involved in quite hectic situations while everyone can’t compute ‘But she was such a good girl, she was the most intelligent in her class, how could she do that? I don’t understand!’ 

This was not my case, but I am well aware of the potentials we all hold toward being an actual self-honest being and an actual self-dishonest nasty being if we cultivate that part equally. This is ‘our choice’ at the moment.

 

Now, looking at the big scope, we’ve all been living in such auto-pilot with No questioning to this so-called intelligence that is promoted, accepted and allowed in our school systems. I just debunked my own perceived ‘superiority’ and ‘specialness’ as a mix of learning how the system works, heritage and further playing-along with the character. Is any of it really who I am? No, since I can stop thinking and reproducing the knowledge and information that makes one ‘really intelligent’ within this current system.

Then, is this current system of knowledge and information of any real validity? Not really unless the knowledge and information is applicable data that Describes how reality functions and as such, it is no longer useless data but a form of comprehending our reality and within such  understanding, we are able to direct it within common sense.

Common Sense is what’s best for all. I require a human physical body and Be in it to realize what is real and what is the energized idea of self as ‘who I am’ as the ego. Could I live without water, food, shelter, sunlight, air, health support, clothes, general secure location to live in?  No. Could I live without all the knowledge and information acquired throughout the long list of schooling years. For the most part, yes, I require language to communicate and mathematics to understand how physical consequences pile up. I can learn more about how my mind works in one half our of an Eqafe recording than an entire year of studying basics in psychology, sociology or biology and that’s certainly not an exaggeration.

 

Hence, what I can conclude is that whatever idea/ belief people had about me would only perpetuate the accepted hierarchical positions that were promoted and supported by our teachers at school, by family and essentially on a social level you always had these ‘intelligent kids’ being gathered for further competitions to see who would win the position as ‘the most intelligent of them all,’ not to say that I imprinted the most anxiety in my body when having to be participating in any of that or English spelling contests for three years in a row, one never considers the amount of strain imposed when ‘all eyes are on you’ and you simply fear fucking it up as it did happen, and then you want to win because one has been told that that is the ‘greatest spot’ to be at, and then one realize that it was all really for nothing other than a pat on your back and a single thought in my head of ‘I won’ – just another prop for the ego –  yet the extreme stress experienced before and during the contest remains as an engraving in my physical body as a result of the extreme nervousness and anxiety,  memories that I would never want to repeat again. This was the limited scope of my world for a while.

Hence my association of intelligence with being in front of people, doing something/ saying something/ picking up some diploma which became like a broken record that others would want to experience, but every time I simply found it more and more pointless, just a stack of cardboard that I could burn out in a couple of seconds.

 

I guess that’s part of why I identified with one of the characters in Magnolia, this ‘bright kid’ I’m Quiz Kid Donnie Smith that is recognized by all and everyone believing that his wits would lead him to ‘guaranteed success’ in life and defined everything he was just because of That – yet he ends up seeing himself in a dog eat dog world where his wits lead him nowhere but being ‘misunderstood’ and ‘looking for love,’ which is pretty much what I did. I wanted to stop being conceived as this ‘bright piece of brain’ that people thought I was, I wanted guys to stop being scared of me so that I could be known for “who I really was” which was just this self created softy version of an emotional/ feeling  concoction that would rejoice with sadness, depression and yearning for bits of heaven in any possible way as my personal entertainment, just because I required some ‘conflict’ in my life’ – that’s what happens when your life is assured and you’re not striving for a living, panhandling or living on the streets or working 18 hours a day, one can focus on just cultivating massive mindfucks. Did I get what I wanted? I did, to a certain extent – did it solve the inner conflict? No, it only aggravated it till I had to face the consequences of everything that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become while ‘spiting my intelligent character.’ Now that’s what I call self-sabotage and one that I am walking till this very day.

 

Just a quick reminder: did I in any of this perceived ‘intelligence’ actually placed into application the skills learned at school’? was I aware of myself as a physical being? Did I regard all beings as equals at all levels? Did I ever considered veering such apparent intelligence to a ‘greater good,’? Self Honestly, not at all. Is intelligence in any way veered toward being at the service of those that do not present such apparent intelligence? Not at all, it is just one lucky trait as propos for your appraisal  in the ‘job market’ and escalate my elitist desired position of maybe doing some ‘good’ here and there, but mostly focusing on selling my wits to the greatest bidder. Again, please do not do what I did ‘spiting the system’ and wanting to ‘escape it,’ you’ll end nowhere and actually wasting a pretty cool opportunity to be In the system to change it.

 

So this is the behind the scenes of the perceived ‘intelligent being’ and the actual stress it represents having people talking to your ear about how much they despise you because of always getting everything right, or how much they wish you fuck up so that they can take your place, or how much they think you’re not normal and ‘don’t count’ when it comes to sharing their usual problems and inabilities to ‘make it’ within school. Has anyone ever placed themselves in the shoes of the few that have to endure such ‘high rank’ positions? Not really, hence this is supportive to walk since we tend to be so judgmental about those in ‘higher places’ but never look at all that which they also have to endure to maintain such positions, even if it is yes of course, inherently fucked that we have to exist in a world of highs and lows – but understanding how this works also leads to stopping judgments and instead, walking a process of self correction so that we no more harbor any form of sectarian attitude toward others based on their ‘traits’ as ‘who they are’ within the system of either a lower or higher position. Until we are equal, we’ll have to face each and every single accepted and allowed hierarchical value imposed upon Life.

 

Is a perceived positive trait all that I want to be? hell no, it’s not real as physicality and will be redefined to a living word, not a data base that consumes time and space that sells well in the system – but, who would we be in a world-system where there are no more ‘grades’ that define who you are? where there are no more ranking systems of who’s the best and who isn’t? Certainly it will already place a more equal stance between kids at school, it is widely ignored how these differentiation made between people according to ‘intelligence’ breeds the most conflict between peers, leading often to problems like bullying or extreme stress when having to keep up with the ‘peer pressure.’ Time to think outside of our protection mechanisms and so called ‘superior traits’ and equalize ourselves as the physicality that we really are.

 

To be continued with Self Forgiveness on the Intelligent word/character along with the necessary bubbles to burst as ingrained self-beliefs that I perpetuated as a ‘positive trait’ of who I am.

 

 

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