Tag Archives: quiet

119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone

119 is an Odd number and an oddity pattern has emerged. As mentioned in the previous blog, I am here to walk a point that comes before all points in relation to relationships, and that is a pattern that I have played out throughout my life and that I’ve mentioned in the blog  111. ‘Why aren’t you normal? which is a desire to be Left Alone.

And curiously enough, I had been trying to hide and suppress this point from the moment that I heard a song by Fiona Apple in her new record wherein she sings/recoils saying ‘How can I ask anyone to love me when all I do is beg to be Left Alone? –

 

Left Alone

This point can be quite extreme and it kicks in as a defense mechanism of the mind in order to place a red flag whenever there’s something/ someone that might be a potential dynamite to my self-religion, wherein I essentially start running away/ evading to ‘not be bothered’ or simply challenge my ‘way of being’ which is clearly a self-delusion.

The first memories stem from when I was a little girl and my mother would ask me to ‘go downstairs and play with x and x’ during a party or family reunion, which I refused to for whatever reason –I would even go into throwing tantrums simply because of not wanting to go and ‘play’ with other kids, which is how I would create an absolute opposition to the sound of her voice being ‘gently-pushing’ me to do something, until she’d get angry and scold me for not wanting to go downstairs to be/ socialize with other kids.

I can recall that I had a ‘hard time’ making friends simply because of this same point: I don’t want others to ‘disturb’ me, I don’t want to miss out this or that TV show if I go to his/ her house to play – I rather say that  I was sick and that’s why I didn’t go.  And so I always ensured I would only go to/ attend the places and interact with people that I wanted to be and interact with – but when anything or anyone went out of my ‘scheme’ of familiarity, I’d immediately seek ways to not participate, to not have to ‘go there.’

A memory that pops up was for example having outdoors activities at school, wherein kids would enjoy being boy scouts and I just thought of myself as inadequate for all types of outdoor experiences. So, I would push myself to not go at all or only go if it was absolutely directed to school – I really could not fathom how kids would want to spend their Saturdays doing all of that.

 

Sometimes girls would invite me to their houses, or anything else like a party or just going out or something and while they’d be asking me to go there, I would already be wanting to scheme any form of ‘event’ to make an excuse as to why I could not make it – I would rush into saying that I had this or that other class, or that I would be doing something else that would ruin the entire plan.

 

Other specific times is when I had wanted to be ‘left alone’ in relationships, wherein I apparently become too vexed and annoyed by another and in that, start scheming ways to pull myself away, like a literal ‘red flag, someone is about to push your buttons further,’ and as such immediately start getting annoyed by something, creating backchat as clear as ‘I don’t want to speak any longer/ I just want to be left alone’ – which is how I then go into being quiet and finding excuses as to why I should not relate to such person any longer.

 

Even when I was in a moment with ‘established’ friendships and relationships, there would always be a time wherein I just wanted to be left alone, even if I was already quiet habituated to be with them during the day, I would always hit the  introverted mode wherein I would simply remain quiet while backchatting about me wanting to leave home:  how could I get myself out of this situation, can’t he just stop talking, if I say that I don’t want to go then Ill be seen as anti-social, he/ she will take i t personal if I don’t want to go there – I just want to go home

 

Even when I was in supportive environments e.g. the farm I would ‘hit that point’ wherein I just wanted to be alone, like suddenly being ‘fed up’ of being around people and would only project myself into an immediate future of being alone in my room, doors closed, windows closed – no disturbance, silence. This is how the ‘going home’ or being in my room was like my little ‘spot in space’ wherein I could be alone.

And so whenever anything or anyone challenged my routine, ‘my way’ of doing things, my way of dealing with my everyday I would immediately go into a ‘defense mode’ of excuses in order to not go somewhere/ do something that would mean having to go to an unknown place or interacting with new people or doing something new. My home always being that ‘safe heaven’ wherein I could then feel at ease and always yearn to ‘get back to.’ 

So, this manifests even toward people that do not precisely represent a point that I have to ‘run away from’ in physical reality, but simply someone that is clearly being a ‘threat’ to my ‘loner’ character, which I have linked to people suddenly being ‘too close’ to me and I simply deciding that they’re getting ‘too close’ which is how I’ve always kept my bounds to remain the same in my own little routine where nothing moves and nothing changes – thus, the perfect intact trap for myself as my own ego.

 

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112. Who am I within Evading Communication?

Who are we when we ‘don’t feel like talking to someone’?

This came up yesterday in my writings as a pattern I played out in childhood – however I can see it in subtle ways wherein even taking certain paths to not have to talk to certain people have been a constant throughout my life. And this has been such an ingrained pattern that it’s been only now that I am investigating it – it seems that to me it was perfectly normal to ‘not want to talk to people’ and essentially develop evasive patterns, which I disclose here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question why I would simply not ‘feel like talking’ to people/ communicated and who I am within this evasive pattern wherein I am essentially denying myself the opportunity to communicate with another in any given moment.

 

I realize that this has been a life-long pattern that emerged as a child wherein I wanted to be and remain a ‘special’ and ‘unique’ girl that was deemed as more mature than others, wherein I used this positive-feedback as a way to justify my ‘selective/ picky nature’ wherein I would then feel righteous to choose who I would communicate with and who I would simply be able to discard according to the values I created within my mind as who was ‘worthy’ enough of communicating with me and who wasn’t/ at the same wondering if I was worthy enough to communicate with certain people that I deemed as ‘more’ than myself – this is how I built my own value-scheme wherein I essentially grew up to speak with people on the surface, but rarely ever communicate the reality of myself with others.

 

When and as I see myself going into a slight experience of anxiety and future projection of probably meeting someone while walking out in the street/ going out and already scheming ways to evade talking to the person/ people by changing routes, I stop and I breathe. I realize that me wanting to ‘hide’ from people stems from not wanting to interact, simply because of disliking having to ‘answer questions,’ without realizing that I decide what I share and how I direct myself in any given moment of communication.

 

I realize that I am the one that is able to stop following the pre-planned protocols of communicating with people in my every day environment, and that the experience of dread toward having to ‘talk about the same every time’ is depending on me and where I direct communication to now.

 

This reveals how any form of friendship or relationship was built always within the consideration of a ‘compatibility’ that inevitably creates a point of specialness between two beings, which is what generates the most conflict in reality, as one eventually reduces all ability to interact and express with any other being just because of holding to this ‘one’/ few relationships wherein we believe we are ‘being comfortable,’ however we are only comfortable because it is such relationships that ensure we remain trapped in our ‘personal limits’ as the characters and personalities that we agree to play out with one another, which is how we define ‘having a good time’ with a friend or a family member/ colleague or any other being that can immediately support our ‘who we are’ as the mind and as such, developing a kinship that separates ourselves from the rest of the beings, as there is now a ‘special bond’ created that functions like an ‘exclusivity’ between two beings while deliberately closing off all opportunity to expand and interact with more beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow up with the idea that I had to create ‘special relationships’ with whom I would be sharing myself with, which is how we learn that we cannot just communicate with anyone, but we have to create ‘special bonds’ and relationships to do this with only certain people. I realize that this mechanism is the primary way to ensure that human beings remain separated and secluded within relationship bubbles that become a form of private property and ownership wherein who another being is in our minds is defined according to the history, experiences, memories as the accumulation of moments we’ve spent with them – instead of realizing that interaction and communication that is in fact physically here is constant and consistent and does not require a ‘history’ behind to be able to communicate.

 

I realize that this point of preference is me still placing value onto people as in considering some ‘more’ and others ‘less’ according to a preferential rate that I have created within myself and that has run in an automated mode, wherein I have gone as far as thinking that people in my life that were ‘meant to be important’ were the ones I would find myself being comfortable with – while thinking that everyone else I had nothing to do with, which is how I lived a life seeking for these ‘special connections’ without ever even daring to see that all human beings are the same and that there is no need to create ‘special connections’ in order to interact, share and communicate with another.

 

When and as I see myself creating a point of separation as to ‘who I want to communicate with and who I don’t’ – I stop and I breathe, I realize that the mind is the only one seeking for ‘special beings’ to communicate with. Thus, I direct myself to break my own ‘religion’ of only communicating with certain people that ‘I like talking to/ I enjoy communicating with’  as this is the way that I can in fact expand myself beyond my own limitations of ‘who I speak to.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately short-worded and laconic toward people with whom I didn’t want to continue communicating with, simply because of rapidly having assessed that ‘we were not compatible/ not in the same wavelength’ which even by the expression proves how it is that we have become nothing but frequencies looking to match each other to ‘complete’ each other, which implies that everything I had considered within communication was using words to feed the ‘who I am’ as my mind and that everything and anyone that challenged this, would be seen as threat that I had to immediately ‘stop talking to,’ yet because I did not understand this mechanism, I simply would assess that ‘we were not meant to be,’ and as such accepting such rejection toward another and reaction as real, without seeing how in that moment of deciding to deliberately stop talking to another was me as my mind deciding who I am in such moment – and never really even daring to see HOW it is that I created such a point of preference in such a short time, which is proof of how we go through our days assessing people as images, as few words and profiling them in order to see whether they ‘fit’ our value-schemes of potential friend/partner, just because of how we see that such beings would definitely support our own mind-possession as personality, wherein life is absolutely neglected and forgotten while everything that is looked for is a sense of ‘compatibility’ to support the ‘who we are’ as the mind.

 

I realize that this evasiveness is actually a cool point to flag from here on as this is the way that I can now be aware of me stepping into the ‘picky character’ that would simply decide not to communicate with someone based on a sparing assessment of a person, which is obviously only me as the mind deciding ‘who’s worth it/ who’s not worth it’ as an immediate mechanism to ‘choose’ who I want to communicate with, which is what I see and realize is as elitist as wanting to preserve benefits over any other beings in this world, as I realize that any form of ‘special relationship’ is in fact wanting to continue existing as that point of separation that we have created through/ as relationships in our reality and existence.

 

I realize that I am in the verge of stepping into mind control wherein I become complacent to the preferences of a mind that has never considered the possibility of being able to communicate with any other being as one and equal. Thus I realize that whenever I see myself wanting to evade a person is me playing out the ‘evasive’ character as a way to not have to actually share myself unconditionally, simply because of how I had placed such ‘special value’ to ‘me sharing myself’ to only apparent ‘special beings,’ without realizing that in this, I am creating a point of separation by my own selective participation. I see, realize and understand that these are the  opportunities to break the pattern of ‘selective communication’ that I had lived as without a question before.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately short-worded and laconic toward beings while thinking that I want to ‘stop talking to them’ already – I stop and I breathe –I direct myself to continue speaking if the point is here for us to communicate, and/ or deliberately push myself to open up with others, to finally realize how it is possible to interact without requiring to load a ‘memory’ of someone or having built up a personal archive of experiences with another in order to interact/ communicate and as such live here in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had only a ‘few friends’ because of not many ‘understanding me,’ which was a deliberate self-victimization and self-manipulation patterns  that I used as an excuse to remain selective in my communication with others, which certainly ensured that I remained as the same character that would never question my ability to communicate with others.

 

I realize that I can communicate and share myself unconditionally with any being just by realizing that communication must be physical, words that are spoken in the moment can be expressed without requiring to ‘assess’ the being in order to know ‘how to communicate’ as that would be me wanting to ‘fit in’ another’s schemes and values as to who they want to speak to and who they don’t, which is how we have all caged each other within these apparent incompatibility that eventually leads us to not even try and push further such limitation, but accepting such ‘incompatibility’ as real, without realizing that two physical bodies do not require to be ‘compatible’ in nature as the organism in order to be able to interact – thus it is clear that such limitation is existent only at a mind level and as such it only exist in each other’s mind as our relationships with each other and our relationship to the world, wherein we believe that some ‘do deserve’ not having any money to live

 

I see, realize and understand that money is also a form of communication and that me creating a point of evasiveness and/ or deliberate separation from another is only me giving into the elitist world system wherein the distribution of the resources is not given to all unconditionally, but is determined by a set of arbitrary and evil rules and regulations that in no way considered that all beings are equal.

 

Thus, If I stand up for an Equal Money System, I realize that such point of Equality begins within and as myself wherein I stop valuing people as more or less than who I am here as a physical being that coexist with all other living beings that I have simply separated myself from when existing as a mind that only seeks to build up its special-guest party list in order to leave some as Very Important People in one’s mind and the rest as ‘Non-Important-People’ where we sever our ability to recognize each other as equals,’ essentially dishonoring each other as equals and instead giving into a  mind possession wherein there can apparently be something ‘more’ or ‘less’ than who we are.

 

Self-Equality and Oneness begins with me here, walking a process of Self-Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application wherein I can in fact realize and recognize how I became the image and likeness of this world system and how through my participation, I became the creator and sculptor of myself as a world-system keeper that only acted in one’s own benefit to create relationships that would only support myself as the mind and subsequently, give continuation to the world system wherein selectiveness, specialness and elitism became ways to ensure that no one questioned why we lived in such a polarized world, because we learned and acted upon such ‘selectiveness’ without a question.

 

“I commit myself to show – why/how energy and money is in fact the evil in this world that reverse the opportunity for life/living with/as the physical, as money and energy is what consume life/physicality as the body and this physicality existence into and as its main system as the Mind/the World System to continue existing/surviving. And that the process of/as actual LIFE/LIVING that is here for all, equally as one, is walking out of the Mind into the Physical, aligning the World System to/as this physical existence/humanity in equality and oneness as the Equal Money System.” –Sunette Spies

 

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111. ‘Why aren’t you normal?’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept a belief within me about there being something ‘off’ within my behavior because of being called crazy and ‘not a normal girl,’ which I then took as a point of pride because it would make me feel at least ‘special’ in a way, which then turned into an excuse to play out a character that would essentially justify any decision in life based on having been dubbed ‘crazy,’ hence taking such belief as myself as ‘who I am’ and making myself embody/ become it to the best of my possibility, so as to spite anyone that had called me that way.

 

When and as I see myself judging my expression because of thinking that ‘I am not being normal,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I’m acting out of the past according to a single label as ‘the crazy one’ that I believed is/was ‘who I am,’ which I used in order to make myself ‘honor’ the label and as such remain only as an ‘out of the ordinary’ character as a basic ‘eccentric personality’  which is how I realize that we become that which others believe ourselves to be just by giving us a single label and us taking such label as ‘real,’ when in fact it has nothing to do with who I really am here as a physical breathing living being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I didn’t have to apply self forgiveness for a point that I had deemed as ‘petty’ to consider walking in self-forgiveness, without realizing that it is in the small things that I created entire personalities linked to being called ‘crazy’ and ‘abnormal,’ which I mostly took as a point of inferiority  that I converted into a superiority point in order to ‘spite’ the people that had called me crazy or abnormal while growing up, without realizing how such ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ standards were created by parents that would only deem certain characters to be ‘acceptable,’ as such characters would lead to securing a financial future for the child when growing up, as sociable and charismatic people tend to ‘make it’ in the world of business and social relationships that lead to having lots of money – apparently.

 

When and as I see myself considering certain points of Self Forgiveness as ‘petty’ to apply Self-Forgiveness for, I stop and I breathe – I realize that we as the mind tend to make these points ‘less’ in order to keep our entire characters in place. Thus I open up the point and walk the necessary corrections in order to see and realize ‘who I am’ at the moment in relation to such perceived ‘petty’ point.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a child fear being judged by others for not speaking, for not wanting to have friends and communicate with other kids , creating several tantrums whenever my mother wanted me to ‘team me up’ with other kids to play, just because I didn’t want to do it – thus creating an entire reaction every time that there was a kid in a social-situation wherein I believed that I had to then socialize with them just because ‘we were kids.’ I would become absolutely fearful of having another kid in the same situation because I knew that the ‘grown ups’ would team us up to play and get along together, but I didn’t want to because I always wanted to be a ‘grown up’ in those moments – hence being called by my mother as being ‘ugly’ because I would not want to communicate and interact with other kids.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am in fact being ‘antisocial’ for not wanting to communicate and speak, I stop and I breathe- I realize that this is a condition that I acquired from when I was a child and my mother would force me to interact with people – grownups and children – using subtle threats for me to do so, which would make me fearful of ‘what would happen’ if I didn’t want to interact with other children.

 

I realize that in my mind I’ve made of my mother ‘the ogre’ in my life, blaming her for my own experience however it was really me that accepted and allowed such self-victimization in order to always be alone and always have things working my way as that would make me feel like special in my ‘not belonging’ ideas.

 

I realize that at the moment any point o barrier to communicate with another can only exist if I hold a judgment toward myself and another being – yet I am not defined by ‘who I have been’ in relation to communication and my apparent reservedness as a child.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into absolute fear and anxiety every time that we as a family when I was a child go into a social reunion and there was a table specially for kids, and I would simply be wishing and hoping that I would not be forced to sit along with the other kids, simply because of me always wanting to be with the adults, because of believing that I had ‘more in common’ with the adults which is a belief that I held throughout my life in order to feel ‘special’ about myself and not being like all the other kids. Yet because I would not communicate about this, I would only create a point of friction with my mother because of her judging me for not wanting to be with other kids.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have ‘more in common’ with adults/ older people than me nowadays, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am acting out of the memory of childhood wherein I would always prefer to be with ‘older people’ than kids my age, simply because of believing myself to be a ‘special kid’ that was ‘very mature’ for her age and within that, making all other kids and younger kids as ‘less than me,’ which is what plays out as a point of judgment and comparison toward other beings in relation to ‘who they are’ as their age. Thus I see and realize that a being is not an age, is not a cultural background or even popular-culture associations that I can use to ‘get along with,’ but a single being that is also part of this world and as such what we have in common is being part of the human race that lives and coexists in the same planet – I do not require some point of ‘affinity’ toward others in order to establish communication.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a child to go upstairs into my room whenever my mother was attempting to get me to play with other kids, which I absolutely rejected because of believing and perceiving that ‘I was not a normal child’ and as such, I would not want to play ‘childish games,’ but I wanted to be talking to grown ups or watching MTV which is how I created myself as an ‘anti-social person’ that would not get along with people her age for several years until I allowed myself to ‘be a child’ again.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be older in order to like the type of music that I was listening to when I was 7 years old, which my cousins/kids used to judge me for, saying that I was not a ‘normal child’ because of watching MTV instead of cartoons.

 

When and as I see myself creating a point of separation toward people based on the age group they belong to and believing that ‘I’d rather be talking to older people that I can relate to’ is in fact me speaking from the character of ‘I only get along with grown ups and not younger people’ based on the idea of ‘I am more mature than others.’ Thus I breathe, I stop and direct myself to communicate with others without taking into consideration their gender, sex or nationality – all beings equal and one here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something profoundly wrong within me for not wanting to play with other kids, often getting to the point of crying because of not wanting to do it, because of not wanting to be forced to do it – therefore creating this anxiety in social events such as parties and so forth because of having gotten stuck with the belief that I would have to be socializing with other kids ‘whether I liked it or not,’ which is how I would mostly remain sitting at the table, because going outside would imply kids wanting me to play with them and I didn’t want that.

 

When and as I see myself still triggering any form of experience when going to a social event/ situation and having a fear of ‘having to socialize’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am acting out of the memory of having ‘loathed’ to socialize with others and the distress that I would create whenever I was forced to do so – thus I direct myself to simply remain here as breath and when and if the opportunity to speak arises, I speak, I share, I communicate – yet I do not judge myself for not speaking either, as I realize that any belief of ‘having to socialize’ was imposed as a parental order that I simply complied to out of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start avoiding social interactions based on the premise and memory of my mother pushing me/ forcing me to socialize with other kids, simply because I would not want to do it ‘by myself’ apparently – yet deep inside me I was only wanting to be self-directive to do it ‘on my own,’ which is how I would always react whenever my parents wanted to ‘do things for me’ such as hooking me up with friends to socialize with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create  a notorious preference to only want to socialize with ‘my best friends’ from school and seeing everyone else as ‘less than’ my friends – which is how I would mostly deem that I had nothing to do with other kids, leading me to simply remain alone and wanting to go home to be alone, wherein I would not be ‘disturbed’ by others, which is essentially not being challenged to step out of the rigid preferential character that I developed as a child, wherein I became an elitist from an early age because of only wanting to ‘socialize’ with kids that ‘I liked’/ my best friends – and making everyone else just less than and annoying, therefore developing a character that would only have ‘few friends’ that I would be able to fully express myself with, reducing such friends to one or two people in my world that would support my judgments toward the idea of being with ‘too many people’ and/ or being deliberately apathetic in social situations, wherein I would sometimes push myself to go just because of not wanting to be judged again as ‘the hermit’ and  ‘the weird odd one that never goes out’

 

When and as I see myself wanting to go ‘go home’ whenever I am in a social situation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I made of ‘my home’ my safe heaven to not have to challenge my ‘rigid patterns’ as characters that I have believed can be influenced if I am ‘too exposed’ to the world. Thus I direct myself to move and open myself up with others without any form of prejudice toward doing so, as I see and realize that it is only through communicating and sharing with others indiscriminately that we can actually establish an equal and one recognition of who we are as physical beings in this world, and as such learn how to coexist in a way wherein our characters do not interfere in our communication, but stick to physical practical common sense at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when being silent among others, as I see,  realize  and understand that these are essentially beliefs that I created about a ‘social context/ situation’ as a place where I had to speak no matter what by force, thus creating a general negative experience whenever I attended any form of party and not really enjoying it because of being fearing having to socialize with other kids and play games and ‘act childish’ which I judged as ‘inferior’ for my age – even though in reality I was in fact an infant.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am being judged for being silent, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I grew up with the belief that whenever I was with other beings I had to be talking in order to be sociable and ‘charismatic,’ without realizing that this is just a belief system and that there is no need for me to be constantly speaking in order to be accepted and judged as ‘normal’ by others.

 

I realize that I would have not created such a fear to speak as a child if I had not been pushed and deliberately to do so, which is how it only became a way for me to ‘go against’ my mother, as part of that ‘opposition’ I developed against ‘her rules,’ which is how I see and realize that it was mostly a rebellious pattern that I took as ‘who I am’ toward others, and believing myself to be anti social, without realizing that if I had been left to socialize ‘at my own pace,’ I would not have created such a friction and resistance to do so, simply because we tend to oppose and go against that which we are forced to do by our parents. Thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having judged myself and gotten even angry for me not being able to understand why I was so reluctant to get along with other kids, becoming essentially a hermit by choice and having this memory of me being in a party at my house and just going upstairs and locking myself into my room because of not wanting to play with other kids. My mother came eventually came in and got very angry at me because I didn’t want to participate with other kids, thus beginning crying and not being able to understand why I disliked being with other kids, why I resisted getting along with other kids  and why my mother would be so infuriated about me not socializing. I realize that I would react because of it being an imposition and not a point of self-directed expression, which is how I developed myself to be a loner or a person with ‘few friends.’ What I would then believe and do is simply oppose and distance myself from any person that in my mind ‘at the eyes of my mother’ would be a ‘suitable friend,’  just because of keeping that point of opposition and friction toward my mother at all cost, which is how I developed a personality that would go against what I perceived were ‘her parameters’ and expectations’ toward me – and choosing people as friends and relationships that I knew would not be fully accepted by her, which all came as a point of spitefulness from the times when I was a child and being forced to interact with other kids.

 

When and as I see myself going into any form of ‘down’ experience because of apparently not being able to ‘relate’ to others in a social context, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just stemming from the past memories of me being forced to socialize wherein I would then believe there was something ‘abnormal’ within me for not wanting to play with other kids. I direct myself  to simply be in the moment and taking to people as who they are in the moment and realizing that I do not have to speak all the time, yet I do not have to go and hide either as I realize that the moments when and as I see myself wanting to ‘get out’/ ‘get away’/ ‘go to my room/house’ is in fact a character taking place wherein I am believing myself to ‘not have anything to do’ with the context in the moment.

 

Thus I ensure that whenever I decide to remain quiet, I do so from the starting point of being here as breath – and whenever I see myself wanting to go to my room, it is an actual self-directive decision in self honesty and not stemming from backchat of inadequacy in particular social contexts such as parties/ reunions and events with more than the usual people in my environment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid or even reject looking at myself as ‘antisocial’ because of believing myself Not to be so – yet by resisting it, it is implying that I am in fact fearing labeling myself as antisocial, without realizing that I don’t have to be ANY label at all, as all that I am is here as a physical being that in no way is defined by a single label denoting an aspect of myself that was created out of an imposition/ fear by parents or society in general.

 

I realize that I decide who I am in every moment when and while being interacting with other beings, and I ensure that I am not defining ‘who I am’ in every moment as in seeing ‘which character am I playing?’ in a social context – I direct myself to remain breathing and participating/ communicating and not considering ‘who I am supposed to be’ within such situations.

 

I commit myself to expose how when parents force their children to socialize, children develop the opposite pattern as the friction created by instigating communication through force is definitely something that remains as a ‘grudge’ within the child, developing anti-social patterns just because of parents always wanting kids to be and do ‘positive things,’ which is actually stemming from the fear of kids being – in this case – antisocial.

 

I commit myself to remain silent if I see and realize that I am here breathing and that I do not require to be talking all the time in order to exist.

 

I commit myself to expose how children are indoctrinated to be ‘optimum’ within the social standards that regard ‘sociable kids’ as charismatic, happy and joyful as people that will grow up to develop proper social relationships in order to make money and survive in this world. Thus I see and realize how as children we are immediately being wrought in order to become ‘good social material’ in order to ensure our own survival in a world where ‘sociable people’ make the most money because they are ‘positively charged’ and this is what ‘the system likes,’ never considering what such impositions have created upon a child. Thus children in an Equal Money System will never have to be and become subject and or forced to act in a particular way to ensure their survival as money will be given to all to have a dignified life from birth to death, which will enable real expression to develop within children and adults once that we stop binding each other to ‘social norms’ that lead to a ‘successful living.’

 

 

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Reptilians – How the Physical became the Mind (Part 2) – Part 77

90. Nonentity

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that there can be people of ‘no significance’ or ‘value’ whenever they do not present an ‘identifiable character’-  without realizing that it is in significance itself that disparity and inequality is created-  this means, when giving meaning/worth/ value to something and someone in separation of ourselves based on what I have believed and perceived is ‘more valuable’ or ‘less valuable’ –  which indicates that I am the only one existing as a character that has a value system in separation of self as one and equal.

 

When and as I see myself perceiving and believing that there exist people of ‘no value/meaning’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is stemming from my own value-system wherein I have placed people as less than and more than in separation of self as one and equal.

 

I realize that the nonentity word itself is pointing out how we have neglected ourselves, separated ourselves based on a value system wherein we have decided that according to ‘who we are as characters,’ we are worth more or less than others, which is absolute separation.

 

The only value of life is life and as such, there can be no more or less in here but in our own minds only.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that someone that is ‘lacking character’ as in presenting no-visible experience that I can use to ‘assess who the being is’ is a nonentity, as in someone that is worthless/ unimportant – without realizing that in this I am giving value/worth and further meaning to someone that does present a ‘visible’ self-experience that is able to be spotted through how the being presents themselves, talks, interacts, which is how we have become so used to treating each other according to the character we see and are able to ‘spot’ in another.

 

I realize I am within this reducing an entire being to only existing as an idea in my mind that I am able to ‘quickly assess’ based on how they look, how they walk, talk to others, portray and carry themselves which in this very assessment I am already caging another into being nothing else but a character in my mind that would then approach as a character myself.

 

When and as I see myself placing more value onto someone that portrays a ‘defined character’ as in presenting a visible self-experience through physical language, words, interaction with others – I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to speak to all being within the consideration of who we are as physical beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach/ interact with/initiate a point of communication with another based on how their ‘character’ is revealing them ‘to be’ without realizing that in this, I am approaching another from the starting point of me as a character wanting to establish a relationship with another character through communication, ending up validating and excusing my ‘choice’ based on me being a character with a preference to interact only with the characters I ‘resonate with,’ which is an indication that I have always only interacted based on my own limitation as a character – and that this stems from the point of not even having walked my own character to begin with, to remove and stop all self-definitions and as such, be able to communicate with any other being without a point of preference as interference to it.

 

When and as I see myself ‘choosing’ with whom I can communicate ‘better’ and with whom I perceive ‘I can’t’ – I stop and I breathe – I direct myself as words here relating to the physical moment of interaction without any thoughts in the background, only here as breath.

 

“I commit myself to show – how, our ‘decisions’ of whether we like/dislike or prefer/don’t prefer or love/hate; is/always have been determined by/through already-existent characters/personalities we’ve come to accept/beLIEve to be ‘who we are’ as the primary-definitions of ourselves we come to physically-embody/live-out in our Mind-Physical relationship/existence. Where, this ‘assessment’ of our relationship to other human-beings is/always has been determined by/through characters from memories we’ve constructed/manifested into and as the foundation/manifestation of ‘who/how we are’; where from such accumulative memories that’s come to layer in our Mind-Physical relationship and aligned/interconnected into and as the definition of our ‘who we are’: we within MEMORIES assess/determine/analyse ‘who/how we are’ in relation to other human beings based on a SELECT FEW ‘tells’ / ‘signals’ we assess/analyse within the MEMORY, and according to a select few ‘tells/signals’ of the human beings’ behaviour/presentation within the memory and how that ‘resonate’ with our embodied character/personality: will within the MEMORY determine/decide who/how we will be in relationship to the other human-being in our experience of like/dislike or prefer/don’t prefer or love/hate.” – Sunette Spies +

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt what I learned from my parents as in judging someone that would be only ‘breathing’ and not showing/ projecting any emotion and/ or feeling as self-experience that would indicate they are ‘open’ or ‘friendly’ or talkative’ as these are values and judgments that I have considered as positive in another wherein I then became used to judging quiet, still and silence people as ‘nonentities’ because of them not being communicating, interacting and a such, being like a wall that I cannot possibly get through.

 

 

When and as I see myself judging a being that I perceive as being a ‘wall’ as in not talking and not communicating – I stop and I breathe – I realize that if I have to communicate with another being it is not based on ‘how I see them’ and how I am assessing them in my mind – but instead simply physically direct myself to open up a point of interaction and a such be here in the moment with another sharing myself, instead of expecting them to do or don’t do something based on the image I had created of them in my mind.

 

I realize that the moment I stop projecting onto others the personality I see of them as a ‘quick assessment’ of who the being is, I am in fact getting past the characters that limit ourselves and talking to the being for who they are as one and equal as myself.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately/ automatically judge in my mind a being that is not ‘interacting’ and presenting themselves with a definitive character as ‘less than’ based on memories of how I was educated to always be presenting myself as a certain character that would be ‘open’ and ‘friendly’ and ‘smiley’ as an indication that I was then a ‘living being’ because of the association between this experience of ‘livelihood’ to something positive to present myself as – and within this, reducing my entire life to create an inner battle with believing I have to ‘present myself as someone positive’ toward another in means of establishing a ‘proper communication,’ without realizing that this is yet another character that I have presented myself as in order to be liked/accepted by others with ease.

 

When and as I see myself judging another in comparison to myself to ‘who I believe I am’  and must be according to establishing a point of communication upon how I present/express myself, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am communicating myself here in the moment and that I do not require to cage another in a character and cage myself in another character to communicate here in the physical as equals.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever struggle with the idea of having to present myself in a particular way wherein I then judge people to be expecting me to act/ be/ do/ behave as something in particular that they remember me by and that, complying to portraying myself ‘as something’ in specific in order to interact with others, without realizing that who I am here is constant and consistent as breath and that I do not require to get in a particular mood in order to interact with others.

 

When and as I see myself thinking, believing and perceiving that I have to ‘be’ a particular character to be able to interact with others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am perfectly capable of establishing communication in the moment without resorting to present myself as a ‘sociable character’ that others can ‘resonate with’ as well, as that would be caging ourselves as characters interacting with characters instead of learning how to interact here, unconditionally as self.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever limit my communication toward others based on how I perceive they are experiencing themselves with, wherein if I would see the person is just standing still with no facial gestures, not speaking and being basically only breathing, I would interpret that they are ‘mad’ or ‘angry’ or just ‘not sociable enough’ which I would then discard the option of interacting with them, without realizing that I was in fact denying myself the ability to communicate with another based on this quick assessment based on memories of how I created the idea that someone that is not being ‘visibly talkative’ or ‘visibly sociable’ is most likely ‘not worthy’ to talk to, not worthy to interact with – wherein

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give more value/ worth to people that were clearly presenting themselves as talkative and sociable/ outgoing in comparison to those that would stand still, quiet and apparently non-sociable whom I would judge as ‘less than’ because within my mind I knew that interacting with someone that is not presenting a visible character that would resonate with the character I believed I had to portray within myself, I would not get my ‘necessary fix’ as in getting equal-amount of attention as energy from another that would comply/ respond to my ‘sociable input’ – which is then how I would form the idea of liking/ disliking based on the staring point of who I believe I have to be when interacting with another.

 

When and as I see myself interacting with another based on the assessment of how much of my character I will ‘build up’ with such communication – I stop and I breathe – I realize that one cannot get anything ‘more’ or ‘less’ within communication as any perception of adding or subtracting value to myself based on how others see me/ perceive me in relation to ‘whom’ I am communicating with is only me standing as a character that assesses communication as inversion and not self expression.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually create an unnecessary point of conflict within me because of not being able to ‘pull out’ the sociable character at all times and within this, believing that there was something ‘wrong’ with me because I was not ‘in the mood’ of presenting myself with smiles and positive attitudes, which is how I would compare myself with my sisters and anyone else around me that would be more ‘enthusiastic’ than myself – within this giving a positive value to being ‘sociable and enthusiastic’ and seeing myself as less than when I would remain quiet and silent with no definitive ‘enthusiasm’ and judging it as negative, as if something was ‘wrong’ within me, because of not complying to what I believed I had to be/ become in that moment of ‘social interaction’ with others.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I must present myself in a particular mood in order to be liked or seem like ‘open’ to others within interactions and social communication, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am perfectly able to communicate in the moment without having to present myself as an ‘available’ or ‘inviting’ person to communication, but instead simply remain constant and consistent within breathing and within that, being open to any point of interaction and communication, which doesn’t mean I ‘must present myself as sociable,’ as that is only a character seeking to be accepted and liked by default through presenting a positive attitude that expects to get/ receive a ‘positive attitude’ in return – which is in no way being here as the physical, unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there can be something or someone as ‘non existent’ without realizing that if the being is here they are equally existing as myself – hence the nonexistent is only a concept that revolves around the value/ worth we have given to invisible aspects that can only be formulated in the mind – thus within me sticking to physical reality, there is no possibility to see something ‘non existent’ as that is irrelevant by default in itself to be considered as ‘entity’ as a ‘concept.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek validation of my own character when communicating with a similar character so that we could both feed each other’s characters and as such, remain only as characters toward each other, never really even realizing that it was not actual communication as the character was not seen for what it is, but instead giving further value/ worth within ourselves as characters – trusting the mind instead of the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to initiate then communication only based on the assessment I had made as to ‘how much value/ worth’ there is in communicating with this or that other being, which implies that no communication had stood as the principle of life in equality, because all my ‘movement’ to interact with another had a specific point of self-interest behind, which is related to me initiating communication from the starting point of ego/ character and not life here as physical interaction that is unconditional toward myself and any other living being.

 

Thus I realize that the way to live this nonentity is within stopping giving all positive attributes to ‘a character’ – whether positive or negative – and in that realizing that not playing a character does not mean being ‘lifeless’ or ‘less than’ or ‘non existent,’ but is in fact the way that we can exist as equals as and within the physical consideration of that which is real/ reality as the flesh that we breathe in and walk accordingly in our world.

 

When and as I see myself thinking of ‘how to approach a being’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that in such moment I am standing as a character wanting to approach another as another character and within that only ‘thinking’ ourselves instead of actually being able to express ourselves as equals at all moments, in the moment, in the physical. No preparedness allowed.

 
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into thinking and believing that I can’t stop my thoughts – instead of just standing up and state STOP. Within this I see and realize that I have separated myself from the mind within thinking and believing that I do not/cannot control/direct the mind – instead of seeing and realizing that I am one and equal to my mind so thus I can stop in one breath.” – Malin Gunilla *
 
Giving up is of the mind 08
 
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Day 32: A Dead Honest Confessional

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of absolute abdication to a mind that is constantly seeking to win, to have more, to be entertained, to be praised, to get any energy kick out of a sip of a drink, out of food that keeps me alive, seeking for the next greatest thrill and mind obsession that will give a ‘meaning to my life,’ without realizing that it is in such constantly ‘chasing after chasing’ that I have been sickening myself with consuming everything that I could in the name of a piece of heaven, something that could tell me ‘who am I’ and in that, losing my entire beingness that has always had to stand and bear the weight of my own thoughts that would always create a ‘state of mind’ that I confused and adopted as ‘who I am,’ without ever pondering if ‘who I am’ is actually supposed to be and exist in such constant anxiety to live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the ‘who I am’ as thoughts of self deprecation, placing myself in uncomfortable positions throughout my life in exchange of a bit of a acceptance and what I deemed was ‘love,’ and in that, compromising the entirety of my expression to being just one thing: a person in a relationship that is equal to the non-spoken and non-established rules of a relationship that could only lead to a ship wreck wherein the reality and consideration of who I really am was nowhere to be found, as I completely became possessed by a relationship entity that could only thrive the more I forgot about myself as an individual, and for that,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide memories within my own mind as rusty backchat that I had not been willing to ventilate through Self Forgiveness out of being ashamed and remorseful toward what I have accepted and allowed to exist in my world, which I realize is the least thing I can do when no one else will do this for me: I am the one that is able to grant myself Self-Forgiveness to learn from the mistakes of the past and ensure that any pattern of self-abuse is stopped here, breath by breath as an accumulation of who I am as life, as the assertiveness of what I am willing to live and recreate myself as, which cannot be knowledge-based, but an actual doing and living within the consideration that I am able to grant myself a new page to write my life, wherein this time I stop seeking only my personal glory, but commit myself to become part of the solutions required/ necessary in this world to be able to Live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my body as a way to only satisfy my mind’s desires, without ever considering what is it that I was putting the entirety of my cells when following my desires and obsessions in the mind, which I now know I was absolutely consuming and misusing because of thinking that ‘my body is here to serve me,’ which wasn’t ME speaking, but my mind as the surrogate for life that I accepted and allowed myself to become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think that I had control over my body, without even seeing/ realizing that I am not even aware of all the processes that go inside me, I was not aware of what happens during sex in fact as an actual reality-check that could lead me to see what is it that I was actually doing to myself – and in that, become simply a robot in auto-pilot, believing that: because everyone else is dong it – why can’t I? And so, using society as a point of reference to do and become that which I thought was ‘acceptable’ and ‘okay’ because: everyone else does it as well.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I would experience myself, and in that never realizing that I created and stirred my own shit in a glass of water and only now realizing that I had not been self honest when reviewing relationships in the past, because I was still holding a grudge against ‘them,’ which would keep me in a safe spot of being a victim, without realizing that the moment that I victimize myself, I abdicate the entire responsibility of who I am because I am making the statement: I am not here as myself, I am inferior to whomever ‘did this to me,’ which is actually of great dishonesty because it always takes ‘two to tango.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually abuse myself and others by using ‘them’ as a crutch to my self-victimization within relationships, without realizing that I actually was aware of it all – all the time – and still, remained in such relationships and subservient positions of which I here take full self responsibility, because it all happened inside my own head, it was never even spoken and directly communicated, which is how relationships are simply prone to fall, as I missed out a key point within any relationship: establishing comfortable, open, direct and vulnerable communication in order to make sure we are equally agreeing on every decision and every move we take as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my body as a holder of my own personal paranoia wherein I thought that ‘the song was always about me,’ which means being always constantly thinking that ‘everything is about me’ and expecting at all times ‘all eyes on me,’ which means that I lived as an eternal magnet seeking to attract any form of attention that I could in order to validate my existence from fellow mind consciousness systems, without ever pondering about the actual physicality of my body that gives sustenance and actual substance to my thoughts, my experience and my actions derived from only following thoughts in my head – within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never even ponder for a moment to ask my physical body how it felt about everything that I was placing myself to live as, wherein energy as emotions would consume me, and I could physically experience that and never questioned it, it would only come up as a fleeting lint on top of my head ‘what is it that I’m experiencing that is crawling all over my body?’  but would immediately shove-it-away because of giving some knowledge and information in the form of a belief to it, wherein I could just continue focusing on ‘fueling the emotion,’ because at least, it made me ‘feel something’ which I had equated to living.

 

I forgive myself that I never even allowed myself to ponder asking my body about ‘how it feels to be me,’ as I always assessed such ‘feeling,’ according to thoughts, ideas of self, emotions, feelings and any other experience that would only take place on my head – never really considering my cells, every single breath that is unconditionally keeping me alive – I took all of it for granted, for what? To give continuation of a lifetimes of inner conflict, constant desires to win, to consume, to have it all, to be on top, to recognized, to be accepted by anything and everyone outside of myself while holding a belief that: I was doing just fine, I’m just like everyone else = these experiences must be normal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to consider ‘normal’ as in equating life to a series of conflict that lead you from positive to negative, and never questioning really how is it that we actually fuel and create such experiences by ourselves, as I was still delegating my responsibility over my creation to a ‘god’ and ‘preprogramming’ and ‘who I am as my genes,’ which is in all ways still me, yet in my mind it is seen as a ‘better thing to do’ to always seek out culprits to keep the ‘white image/ self-immaculate image’ wherein I can remain a victim and play amnesia about my creation, which is exactly what we have done and abdicated ourselves to be and become, coming to this Earth life after life without being able to remember – yet being fully aware of what we were doing, which was enticed by the entire desire to be eternal, to get to heaven, to be ‘more’ than what we are as an actual physical body which cannot certainly exist as any of such ‘past lives,’ as all that Is real is here, as the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to agree to become an energy-sucking machine that is only programmed to consume itself in a proportional rate as to how I participate in my mind, wherein ‘who I am’ is reduced to a set of self-created and self-programmed emotions and feelings that I deem are ‘life, ‘ and within this never being aware of the extent of abuse and misuse of physical matter that I consume and that I abused to nurture my own separation, becoming the very acceptance of self-abuse as ‘who I am,’ without ever questioning it because we always accepted it as ‘human nature,’ which is the greatest excuse we have used to see the desire for power, vengeance, war, control, money, greed, survivalism, competition, emotions, feelings, pursuit of happiness as an ‘inherent human desire,’ without actually willing to see, realize and understand the actual core and starting point of all such actions which indicate an evil human nature whose consequences can be seen far and wide within this reality, wherein we’ve sold life in the name of money.

 

I forgive myself that I never questioned others’ lives and how their state of poverty, famine, abuse, starvation, was even ‘accepted as part of society’ and not stopping for a moment to ponder: who I am within this picture, within this bipolar world  that is simply accepting multi-millionaires to exist along in the same Earth where millions could be fed with one man’s ‘wealth’? How am I allowing a system that is neglecting the basic living support and services to people that are Clearly and Undeniably asking for them, but not getting them because ‘they don’t have money.’ It is truly unacceptable to dare to even utter the word ‘love’ in this existence without having a look at the actual atrocities that are committed in the name of money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make it okay’ to have any activity to be used in means of getting money, which only reflects the outflow of an actual prostitution of life wherein we have never dared to stop for a moment and ask a very simple question: ‘What am I doing to myself? Do I even recognize who I am as this character? Is this all there is? – And not just litter it out as some type of conspiracy-theory type of thinking, but as an actual consideration of life, of what we are doing to ourselves and the consequences that we have manifested for ourselves here, which we now have to take full Self-Responsibility for with no middle-grounds and no middle measures, as we cannot deny what we have done onto ourselves and the Earth, because it is in front of our eyes everywhere.

 

Do I like what I see? No – and this is the reason why I stand up for Life, because I see what I have done, I realize what I have accepted as normal, and how I lived out a life of physical abuse just as every single other human being, wherein the definition of physical abuse must not only exist as someone doing something ‘onto you,’ but each one of us depleting the very life essence that we are existing as, unconditionally and that is now nowhere to be found Here, because we’ve only depleted and transformed ourselves into Energy – not Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever yearn for ‘better times’ wherein I allowed my days to simply go by without me doing a single thing to stand up and take the directive principle of my life, because I was old that I could ‘not change the world,’ and in that did not consider that I could begin with myself – yet the inertia experienced within a comfortable yet self-limiting position was more ‘powerful’ than any self-will to move and change winds into another direction, because of fearing eventually losing myself within – not getting my ultimate desire and simply dying and ending up high and dry in the attempt.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry with the past as a burden on my back, as all the memories that remind me ‘who I was’ as a self-centered yet pretended selfless being that sought experiences to carry around like souvenirs. I realize that I’ve kept my own collection of memories as the pillars to my very own cage and self-created limitation. I realize that I am able to give me back to myself everything that I have separated myself from in those memories in every moment that I learn how to Forgive Myself.

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to claim to be sure of ‘who I am’ without even having the least/ remote idea of what I actually am, what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and how I have actually abused myself in such continual desire to ‘be something/ someone’ that could have a label that indicates ‘I am a part of this reality.’

 

 

I commit myself to become the point that stops living as a self-programmed system that is only seeking for personal glory at all times, and how this has been our own demise that is now taking us to the current state that we’re in, where life is being sucked dry from all in the name of our personal gain and ‘glory,’ which can only exist as an equally self-created mind delusion that must stop.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is that we have founded a ‘human civilization’ upon abuse, that our progress can only exist if someone is left deliberately marginalized and waiting for death to come as ‘who I am and have become’ as a human being has shown no regard for fellow living beings, wherein it is ludicrous to ever claim that: ‘we are in control,’ because we’re not, we are not even aware of how every single breath power the entirety of our body = we cannot possibly claim we know better.

 

I commit myself to expose the realm of knowledge and information for the uselessness that it represents as an actual misuse of life in the name of personal glory, wherein ‘who I am’/ who we are as humanity is praised and pondered upon a pedestal that has always been created at the expense of other life forms that we have absolutely disregarded and neglected as being one and equal as ourselves.

 

I commit myself to share and explain how the more we keep each other separated from our own body, and how the more we keep fueling our bubble-lifestyle wherein we only care about ourselves, we are in fact ensuring the depletion of all life here, while many starve to death because who we have become in our minds, has neglected ‘them’ as being ourselves as well, an equal part of what is here that we have decidedly ignored to only satisfy our ‘dreams,’ which can never be actually fulfilling, as it was all just ‘a dream’= a mind created illusion.

I commit myself to support myself to continue forgiving myself for the plethora of self-delusions that I gave head to and that I abused myself with in the name of an experience, an idea of life, instead of actually becoming the life that is here as myself as the bones, tissue and flesh that I nurture with the Earth’s resources every single day and that I had abused in the name of self-interest.

 

I commit myself to support others to see this for themselves, as I realize that we are going nowhere unless ALL is equally aware of this process of self-support and the importance of walking it as a life-commitment, as this is a once in an existential lifetime opportunity to birth ourselves as life, by our very own breathing accumulation here, moment by moment, breath by breath. until all the parts of separation that I have created are brought back to ‘justice’ as the just-is, as the life substance that has always just existed/ been here, unconditionally and that we have separated ourselves from through a single belief, clogging it with meanings and words and colors as relationships of energy that must be stopped by each one of us.

 

The confession of having lived a lifetime of self-abuse is a written process that is taking place all over the world – it is not negativity, it is what being Self-Honest implies, it is being Dead-Honest about the reality that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.

 

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