424. The Importance of Resolve

 

Sometimes we embark ourselves in a decision to change something about ourselves, to stop a particular abusive pattern, to align an aspect of our behavior or to cut ties with particular relationships, however what tends to happen is that we’re not entirely successful with this endeavor if we are missing a key ingredient to make it work: resolution.

 

 

This came up as I was writing on a personal matter that has ‘haunted’ me in my dreams for a long time now in relation to a specific past relationship in my past,  and I have been throughout time applying self forgiveness on the various aspects that mostly come up in dreams and I have wondered: but why is this STILL coming up? Isn’t it sufficient to have walked on this point for over seven years whenever the same comes up? And so I was looking at the word that I was missing, a clue on what I wasn’t fully considering in this process applied to this particular past relationship and the word is Resolve – and as I was reading the definition of course it clicked: I require to have an unwavering, firm, absolute stand in relation to the actual closure of this point within me in my mind and the decision of who I decide to be toward this point in my reality.

What I realized is that I had probably written a lot about it and I understand the reasons why it comes up, but it’s funny that I made it a bit something ‘more than myself’ as if it was something ‘more powerful’ or ‘sticky’ in a way that made me still dream about the same point in various ways and perceive it as something that would take ‘forever’ to let go of  or give closure too, and even speculated on why this point is ‘so strong’ which is not recommended lol, well at least it brings up further points for self forgiveness on other ideas, beliefs, perceptions as the reasons we give ourselves to make the point ‘more than us.’ However, as I was reading the definition of resolution, it all clicked, the simplicity of the solution was in fact in the word resolution: I realized that I had in fact left some kind of ‘open back door’ in my mind wherein I could still in some unconscious way ‘leave a possibility open’ for me to still hold on/cherish these memories just for the ‘benefit of it’ due to the value that I had given to that relationship specifically when it comes to the starting point of such relationship and what I believe ‘it gave me’ which was related to in this case, a perception of getting ‘acceptance’ and ‘worth’ from another, which were words I hadn’t lived as myself then.

So, what am I really missing then here which is what I will now commit to live as myself around this point? Resolution, which is giving an actual closure, having the resolve means having the firm and unwavering  stand and decision to fully let go and fully stop participating in entertaining the memories around this point, which I have actually been working on these past months since I wrote the blog on: 416. Relationships: Not about the Taste, but the Nutrients – however I do recognize that specifically on this topic, there hasn’t been like an absolute, full resolution to stop all attempts of me in my mind going back again on the subject, which even shows up in dreams at times.  This will be then a process of being fully diligent with not entertaining the same point, not ‘feeding’ it even by associating places, things, colors to that same construct of that part of my past which I’ve defined as ‘haunting’ which of course is not that it is ‘haunting me’ but rather how I have entertained it/ fed it for far too long even if the actual relationship is no longer part of my life.

I have to stand in full resolve to do this, there is no ‘middle way’ here and in a way I’ve seen this as the ‘toughest’ point thus far because it seems to ‘still be there’ no matter how much I have written about it – but I do fully see that it will take absolute discipline to stop revamping memories and experiences for my ‘personal consumption’ in a literal manner.

 

 

resolve

  verb

1  settle or find a solution to. Medicine cause (a symptom or condition) to heal or disappear.

2  a firm decision. a formal expression of opinion or intention agreed on.

3  Music cause (a discord) to pass into a concord during the course of harmonic change.

4  (resolve something into) reduce a subject or statement by mental analysis into (separate elements or a more elementary form). chiefly Chemistry separate into constituent parts or components.

5  (of something seen at a distance) turn into a different form when seen more clearly. (of optical or photographic equipment) separate or distinguish between (closely adjacent objects). technical separately distinguish (peaks in a graph or spectrum).

6  Physics analyse (a force or velocity) into components acting in particular directions.

  noun

1  firm determination.

 

 

 

ORIGIN

          Middle English (in the senses ‘dissolve, disintegrate’ and ‘solve a problem’): from Latin resolvere, from re- (expressing intensive force) + solvere ‘loosen’.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply ‘full resolve’ to some points in my life, but those toward which I had built a ‘sentimental attachment’ then believe that I can somehow ‘leave around’ in the back of my head as if they were really ‘a part of me,’ instead of realizing that it is in those points that I keep myself ‘locked’ into aspects of myself as ‘my past’ that have no space in my current reality other than in my mind – therefore, I see that the moment that I allow myself to go into one single moment of ‘acceptance and allowance’ and/or indulgence of memories, thoughts, experiences, links to that one point in my past as memories, I reactivate the whole construct once again. Thus,

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that this point was ‘more than myself’ because it had come up over and over again and even in dreams, not realizing that even if I was writing it all out, I recognize that I am not yet living this absolute resolve to change this one point specifically in ALL dimensions, including the obvious tendency to still ‘give into’ the memory in dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet be fully diligent and stand in equal resolution to who I am when awake in my dreams, because I have defined in an unconscious way dreams to be the ‘last memory bastion’ wherein I could still have ‘my enjoyment’ about things, people, experiences that are no longer here in my reality – thus I realize that I have to fully let go of this false ‘enjoyment’ in dreams and realize that every moment that I indulge even in dreams around the same point, I make it part of my reality again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still ‘indulge’ into memories and experiences around this particular point in my life through dreams and even more so to want to keep sleeping whenever this point emerges in my dreams, instead of realizing that it is because I haven’t fully made  a decision to not participate in anything that has to do with this one point that the dreams occur as the obvious reflection of my suppression around it, of the denial of myself still wanting to ‘keep’ this point in my mind and believing that ‘I got it all under control’… but this is not really about ‘control’ but being willing to absolutely stop participating in memories, links, thoughts, experiences, dreams and any sort of nostalgia of the past around this particular point.

I realize that it is not that the point has ‘kept me locked’ but that I have been the one giving all of this energy and resistance to it throughout a long time and because I haven’t been absolutely living the resolution to stop it, it’s been a recurrent dream, a recurrent point in my mind-reality which of course has nothing to do with who I am here in physical reality any longer.

 

I commit myself to fully stop all thoughts, all memories, all experiences, all yearnings around this point. This is it and I’ll be the one knowing how effective I am in this stance and resolution on this point, as I realize that I am the only one that creates the haunting , not ‘the point’ itself.

 

 

So it’s interesting that in order to give resolution to something, to ‘solve it’ is to actually loosen it, to let go of it with a firm and unwavering decision to actually do so, to live that decision in every moment that I see I slack on the same point and allow myself to ‘wander’ around it again. I realize that resolution is what I require to apply within me as an absolute stance of who I decide to be if I am already now witnessing what happens when I don’t have an absolute resolve around stopping something within me. Thus, it’s a matter of absolutely just doing it, living it – but not allow just ‘bits’ here and there as that one single ‘bit’ of indulgence reactivates the whole construct once again, I make it part of myself, of my moment here which has nothing to do with myself and my reality any longer – it’s just memories that I have given fuel and importance to, that I have fed with energy to continue defining me according to ‘my past’ which doesn’t make any sense at all because this process is not about ‘fixing my past’ but changing who I am in relation to it.

 

So hereby I establish how in order to resolve something that I haven’t been ‘solving’ in an effective manner, is to check my resolution on stopping/changing or aligning myself in relation to that particular point I want to change/stop and align in my life. So simple, yet as it is said: the devil is in the details.

 

 

 

Watch:

Desteni Movie Night – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Read:

Day 56: Letting Go of an Old Flame

 

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2012 Fear of God

When you are a child and you are told that there is an ‘all seeing god’ that is watching you in every single moment of your petrified existence, what do you eventually grow toward such invisible policeman in the sky? Fear.

I have explained before how my belief in a God as an all seeing guy that could eventually communicate through other ‘delegates’ through mediums – and ventilate my little-secrets in front of my family- became a driving-fear within my every day living. I feared being watched all the time, I would go into a mix of fear, guilt and anxiety for doing something that I considered was ‘wrong’ in the eyes of ‘god.’ More than fear of ‘God’ itself as this omnipresent-omniscient, omnipotent, and even apparently omnidirectional ethereal being that ‘God’ was supposed to be, I feared the consequences of doing/ saying something that would make him mad/ angry at me. I eventually became watchful of my every step and thought in order to ‘not piss off God’

When looking at this point, I can see how ever since I became aware of this god-point and wanting to, in essence, ‘be liked by God’ in order to ‘get a reward back’ later on in my life for it,  I created a personality of being a ‘good girl’ that is accumulating golden coins through benevolent acts and benevolent thinking, just so that I would not have to face the point that I actually feared, which was ‘The wrath of God.’ Hell knows how I even got that idea of ‘God’ being a wrathful being if you didn’t stick to the line of being a ‘good fella.’ However, I stuck to the code and I kept track of my thoughts and actions from the starting point of fear.

 

Even at the peak of me realizing that such faith in God was plain brainwashing, I still held this idea of a greater force that could eventually come back and obliterate myself I one sneeze if I just kept doing everything that I wasn’t supposed to do – or that I would eventually be punished by having hundreds of future-lives living in misery. Fear became the driving force for me to ‘behave well’ and be a ‘good neighbor,’ just because of keeping my own score at the eyes of God.

 

Of course I would not talk about this with anyone – my belief in the afterlife and the white-light beings watching my every step was ‘My secret’ and no one was supposed to know, because apparently I was privileged and special – along with my family – to have such protection which, somehow, in the elitist realms of heaven not anyone could have access to. I mean, I would essentially mock Catholics that would go to church believing that god was in some flour-chip drenched in wine. Yet, I believed in all of these long-ass rants wherein the heaven and stars was given to us in order to keep the faithfully deceived ‘happy’ by being ‘special’ and having this super spiritual protection from the white brotherhood of God- lol. I remember some of those ‘sessions’ at my house with some of those mediums, having to hear a seemingly endless list of names of death people that had been lurking around my house,  that were apparently ‘given light’ in that moment to ascend. The sheer thought of having invisible death beings around me was something that scared me a LOT – however it was all part of the idea that such death souls were lost for a moment and had found some  “light” in our house, LOL

 

 

‘God’ as the reason to Stop Self-Abuse

How I have observed this pattern of fearing God and using God (or Baby Jesus for kids) at least here in Mexico and within the culture that I have seen around me, is using it as the perfect excuse to threaten beings to ‘have good morals’ and ‘act in the right ways.’ As I just explained to this wasn’t the type of ‘resource’ used by my parents in order for me to behave.  My mother would rather use the idea of monsters or any other ghastly creature for the same purposes, and I can say it worked the exact same way.

 

So, here specifically with poor people– which is a great majority in this country –  and people living in rural areas in México, traditions, family and religious values are the basis of their upbringing and education.  Faith and devotion form essential ingredients of their family-values wherein if the mother / father finds no way to show their children why they must behave or do something, they turn to god and use it as an excuse to do as they say:

“If you don’t do your homework, baby Jesus will start crying!”

“If you take drugs and alcohol, our holy mother will start crying”

“If you beat your wife, you will sure have to explain your deeds to our holy father once you are on your way to hell”

And so, people are easily conducted through using God – or any deity for that matter – as a point of fear in order to ‘tame’ human beings to behave well, to do as they are told and eventually become docile beings that are then considered ‘faithful’ because of how supple they have become in order to accept ‘the word of god.’

 

Within this idea of ‘God’ being an omnipotent being that decides whether you live or die, go to heaven or hell, but is also able to give you extra-powers to do stuff that you are apparently unable to do by yourself,  God/saints are used to, for example, stop/ quit a certain addiction.

In my family, people that have drunk for probably half of their life, one day – after a car accident or having someone dying in a car crash due to being drunk, or seeing someone dying of alcoholism – they decided to ‘swear to the virgin that they won’t drink again.’ And I have been amazed by how they do live and respect that ‘swearing,’ which goes hand-in-hand with the same fear that they were brought up with from childhood, wherein ‘God’ as the policeman in the head is the one thing that they respect and obey above all, even above their immediate ‘authorities’ like parents/ family members.

 

And this is not limited to only ‘rural areas’ wherein the catholic roman church holds the hegemony of people’s lives for the most part. In the streets of one of the busiest avenues in Mexico City, one can see painted virgins graffiti-style on the walls wherein messages are apparently given ‘in the name of the virgin’ in order for people – mostly males in this case – to stop drinking, to come home early after work and not take/ indulge into drugs; to keep their money for their family instead of squandering it in ‘gaming’ a.k.a. gambling, prostitutes and buying alcohol or drugs.  And you might think that such an image with those words would have no effect on people, but it actually does. This goes hand in hand with the level of cultural indoctrination wherein in a hypothetical situation, people can be fighting to death and yelling the hell at each other – but if a church, priest or virgin or anything related to their belief could suddenly emerge around them, they would simply stop, appease, maybe feel remorseful for a moment and probably even stop their confrontation.

How come we have delegated our common-sensical ability to stop for a moment to look and realize what we are accepting and allowing ourselves to be and become, only through the belief or idea in some magnificent being that is watching over our heads?

 

Why have we required a savior to exist?

 

The point is realizing how beings that take on points such as stopping addictions by ‘swearing to the virgin’ could essentially realize that they are walking a decision to stop any addiction by themselves, by their own will. However, it is as though they require this ‘God’ idea no matter what, they believe that something ‘extraordinary ‘ is giving them the necessary strength to overcome their addictions.

 

The reality is that each one could easily see that you don’t require the idea of a loving-caring invisible being in order to take on responsibility for stopping an addiction, for example. The only reason why the idea of god/ saint/ invisible force to be the mediator for you to keep your word, is because we haven’t yet allowed ourselves to trust ourselves through proving that we can actually do, say and live that which we say that we will.

 

 

‘God’ is not required to ‘keep going’ through life.

The moment that the belief in God was finally debunked within me, part of the downward spiral experience was because of realizing that I wasn’t living a life for myself, as an actual living expression and self-caring consideration. I was only living a life wherein I could accumulate a great score in order to satisfy ‘God’ and have a kickass afterlife experience that could, apparently, compensate for any bitter taste that I could have experienced while ‘being alive.’ This is how we go living our lives waiting to die, accommodating ourselves and directing ‘who we are’ based on a divine system of punishment & reward which eventually affects all our decisions in this world. And it is absolutely ludicrous to see how if there was no ‘god’ as a police-force within millions of beings, things could be even worse.

However, religion as this ‘untouchable law’ within people is nowadays becoming more ‘light’ and only remains with such ‘power’ in poor, small towns/ cities that are very traditional and still hold a blind-faith toward all-things ‘God.’ Once that money steps in the scene, things change. And proof of that is seeing how the narcos/drug dealers who are essentially poor people that get involved into dealing drugs for the good money it represents, they still hold their belief in a ‘god’ or ‘saints’ – yet what they now do is forging the image or name of the deity of their choice in their 24k gold-bathed guns that they use to give the ‘sure shot’ to someone. Somehow saints are now involved into taking care of criminals, doing the best they can to exterminate those that dare to challenge their heavenly drug-lord business.

 

Prescinding the Policeman in the Head

No matter what cult people are in – they have this authority-figure that they fear ‘letting down’ with their actions/ words and that’s how the bondage of religion is woven.

So, instead of having to submit ourselves as human beings to an idea of such god-policeman in the head, to keep it as a constant reminder of ‘why we should do onto another what we want for ourselves,’ we can simply understand that this it the way to direct ourselves in this world – and live it. Why is there the need to rely on a religion/ belief in order to ‘do well’? Is it that only through beliefs in invisible deities we are able to realize our actual potential and determination to do something, to stop a habit, to become self-responsible? No, and I have proven this for myself.

Once that all the fear of god is gone and there is no aspiration to get to a heaven, what remains is Earth, as grounded as it can be wherein you realize that everything you do, you walk according to what you see/ understand is best for yourself = best for all day by day.

 

The God concept as the policeman in the head, can be prescinded as it serves no purpose other than keeping people bound to a certain religion that is then equated as ‘that which gives them force to continue,’ without realizing that such force is not given by an almighty god, but has always actually been here as ourselves, we just were too coward and gullible to think that we required someone else to endow it to us.

 

Common sense overrides all fears – this is how we walk in this world then, fears are irrational and have no other purpose than limiting our living expression in the moment. We are witnessing how fear has become the actual source of mind control in our reality: we’ve done it to ourselves and it’s time to stop for once and for all.

 

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Check out people’s fears and participate exposing/ sharing your fears and exposing how irrational they are #FEARWEEK

La Furia de Dios (God’s Wrath) 2005

Vlogs:

Why having a savior is such a great idea?

Desteni – The Little Promise Left – AntiHate 2 – Face Your Fears