Tag Archives: quitting drugs

594. Who Decides?

Or how I’ve been able to establish a pillar of support for myself from the time I decided to ‘kick a habit’ and get to know who I am as the authority of myself.

Last week there was an interesting discussion in our group chat about self-authority and how many times we believe we ‘don’t have a say’ in opening up something within ourselves or others that we know could be fixed, corrected, changed for the betterment of a situation and everyone involved. However, we concluded how relevant it is to instead of wanting to ‘fix things out there’ first, we have to take things ‘back to self’ where one can instead see ‘who am I’ in relation to this point that I’m wanting to change in others and as such, seeing where one’s authority is in the whole case.

What do I mean by this ‘self-authority’ and how I have neglected my own in my life? I’ve found how I’ve conditioned myself several times in various contexts/situations based on an idea, belief or perception of myself as ‘not having the authority’ to change something in me, and it obviously doesn’t come up with such words as in ‘Oh crap, I don’t have authority over that!’ but it comes in the form of ‘I can’t change this, it’s not coming natural to me, based on my past it’s just not something that I can do, it’s who I’ve always been, that would not be me doing that, it’s just not ‘my thing,’ I would not feel entirely ‘me’ doing/saying/being that, I would feel so fake because I’ve never done that/expressed that before’ and one cool question that I’ve come up whenever these things come up which are a form of disempowerment is saying to myself “Well, Who Decides?”

And this ‘who’ is really then a way to bring myself back to who I decide to be, to realize that I am that authority that is able to decide how I can take the first steps to ‘step into the new,’ to start taking those ‘first steps’ in creating something, to decide to practice and express new things, in new ways, to be the one that makes a decision on what I express, what I choose, what I decide to move towards – it’s entirely up to me and the possibilities of doings so – all things considered of course within the context, possibilities, affordability, time, skills and the rest of practical common sensical things to look at when deciding to do something as a practical assessment of ‘I can’ do it and take reality into consideration – but I no longer give that power to my mind’s limitations as in ‘I can’t’ or ‘It’s gonna take so long that I rather just not do it at all’ or ‘It’s not my thing’ or ‘It’s going to be so difficult’ because I am aware how many times I’ve set such seemingly ‘excusable traps’ to myself as limitations which ultimately have led me to ‘long timeloops’ that I’m sorting out currently in my life and have realized are coming from fears of essentially stepping out of my comfort zone and actually ‘do change’ as it was mentioned in a recent recording on Eqafe.

Interestingly enough, this past week I’ve had conversations with a few individuals and it was cool to see that they all have been looking more intently into quitting a certain day to day habit such as weed, alcohol, smoking or even addiction to self-deprecation and ‘past sorrows’ lol. So I found it quite cool that all of them have been looking beyond the ‘habit’ or ‘addiction’ in itself – meaning going beyond the obvious habit created to experiencing some chemical/stimulation change in their bodies – or certain emotional experience – but more looking at and into what of themselves is being suppressed in those habits, where are they keeping themselves in these Timeloops or recycling of experiences day in and day out without really stepping out of the pattern and questioning ‘who am I’ without this habit/addiction/repetitive experience in my day to day? What’s behind my ‘need’ to do it on a daily basis, at the same times or in the same ‘social contexts’ etc.?

It’s quite interesting because quitting an addiction, stopping it or even taking the first step to question it and test out not ‘giving into it’ for one day is already a huge step for many, even more so for those that are not that aware of the various consequences created at a mind, physical and being level within the relationship created to certain substances/chemicals – but more so in discovering ‘what kind of expressions, words to live have I been suppressing or not developing for myself wherein I then believe I ‘need’ this substance in me to focus, to do things, to let go, to relax, to open up conversations with people, to ‘be me’, to enjoy life, to develop my skills in music/art/creativity’ and the rest of expressions that I can totally understand may not be ‘natural’ to most of us, but sure as hell I can say now that it IS entirely possible to be a ‘socially lubricated’, open, focused, relaxed, joyful, creative individual as one can experience oneself with drugs and being entirely sober and still manage to be all of those expressions that we have given our authority to create and develop for ourselves through needing a certain substance in our bodies/minds.

Here I’m mostly describing some of what I’ve discovered myself as well through having been a person that also had fallen into such habits before for various reasons and contexts, creating a dependency to ‘express myself’ for example creatively relying on a particular substance to ‘do that for me’ or ‘be the catalyst.’ And interestingly enough I was also listening to a person’s vlog this morning on menopause and creating an analogy of the symptoms of it being similar to withdrawal symptoms after being a drug addict, where her expression as a reason to take some ‘herbal stuff’ to calm her down was ‘I can’t deal with this’ and her entire expression was that of fighting back tears, being clearly emotional and believing that yes it’s too bad she can’t walk through it without the use of this ‘herb’ or drug.

Now I have no authority there to judge her or consider her as weak for needing that, I have no idea what menopause feels like nor how it is felt if one has been a drug addict, but the point that caught my attention is precisely going into that belief or experience of ‘I can’t deal with this’ where we believe we ‘can’t do it’ or ‘can’t stand’ something, where we in fact believe ourselves to be ‘less than’ such experiences in our minds and bodies – because yep, we have definitely intertwined them to such an extent that any ‘withdrawal’ symptom is not only a psychological but a physical dependency to cut off as well.

And I realized that those are mostly consequential outflows from having created such dependency in the first place – meaning, if one has to quit something, sure there will be withdrawal symptoms at various physical and psychological levels, re-wiring oneself or ‘re-adapting’ to not doing it anymore entails an entire ‘re-alignment’ of one’s day to day experience which has to be in a way ‘re built’ depending on the extent that one has ‘wired’/intertwined one’s life depending on these drugs to do/be/activate certain experiences within us, and that’s where a lot of patience, dedication, perseverance and consistency comes in, as well as being gentle to ourselves because it sure is quite a ‘shock’ to the body that has been conditioned at times for decades to do something as a regular habit. And also, very important, to seek out for support as well!

Having said that, it doesn’t mean it’s going to be an impossible thing where we are kind of already seeing the ‘long road’ and see it as ‘too much to go through’ and immediately create ‘backdoors’ and talk ourselves into this ‘oh no, it’s going to be hard, it’s going to be hell, it will be so difficult! I rather just leave things as they are, I’m ok, it would only compound the problems…’ – right there is ourselves speaking as the worst or lesser version of ourselves that is not realizing the authority we truly have to change things. As the saying goes here ‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way’.

However, I am also aware that it’s entirely up to each one to make this kind of decisions but I personally haven’t talked myself out of my decisions in for example stopping habits I kicked out some 9 and a half years ago when I started this process with Desteni where my starting point was: I want to know who I am without all of these experiences, this ‘neediness’ for something causing me to ‘be’ or ‘express’ in a particular way,’ because I saw it as self-deception, as fooling myself, just like cheating in winning a game type of thing where you know that it’s not you doing the effort or developing the skills as such, but paying off your triumph or bribing someone to change the numbers for you to ‘feel like a winner.’ It’s just a point of self-dishonesty that I decided to stop within me which became a very relevant, sturdy pillar of support for the development of my self-trust – as in realizing ‘I can do this, I can walk through it’ and prove to myself eventually that ‘it wasn’t as hard/bad/tough/difficult as I thought it would be’ and in doing so, kind of debunking this ‘greater than myself’ fear that I had towards leaving these habits, patterns, emotional experiences in my mind, which enabled me to start seeing and realizing what? My self-authority – bingo.

So to me it’s been an interesting week of looking at this word of ‘self-authority’ and questioning where in my life I started first realizing this ‘authority’ that I have within myself, as in living that statement ‘I decide’ and within that decision moving as it, giving it a continuation as in doing something, changing something, stopping participating in something within the understanding of how I want to do this for myself, to get to really know me, to get to really express me instead of having a substance ‘doing the thing for me’ shrinking and wallowing in the back of myself in a position of disempowerment, while allowing a chemical, a substance to ‘kick in’ and be the ‘powerful hero’ one instead of me.

Self authority to me is that strength, that determination that is built not in one single day and within one single decision of ‘changing’ something, but it is something that is daily built and reassured within that continued commitment to myself not only in ‘kicking detrimental habits’ but in the various decisions I make to support myself, to be aware of myself, to ground myself, to work things that come up and ‘knock me off’ from my stability for a moment – I decide who I am in all those bits of moments, and even when there’s ‘nothing happening’ I then focus more into the detail of my physical, what do I have to correct in terms of tightness, tension, tensing up lips, feet, facial muscles, where am I frowning without awareness, where am I again having this undercurrent of ‘rushing’ and there’s in essence always, always  something that I can be focusing on in this same context of establishing the authority of myself, my direction, my decision and action in terms of ‘who I decide to be’ in every moment and in the detail of myself as my physical body.

So, I very much enjoy extending the support that I’ve given to myself to these people in my life that I’ve come to know are walking through this ‘stopping the habit’ phase and enjoy making questions and sharing about my own experience as a way to understand ourselves better as ‘creatures of habit’ and how we can open up things for ourselves that can assist us is sticking to these decisions and testing out ‘who we are’ without these addictions/detrimental habits – or more so discovering ‘what of ourselves’ is hiding behind such habits. It’s a very interesting process and an enjoyable one dare I say because to me every single person that decides to ‘stand up’ in their lives is ‘one plus’ to this equation of self-support that will ripple out not only in our own body, but to the lives of many more that we can continue to inspire to consider doing the same in their lives, as what is ‘best for all.’ That’s why I also decided to write this blog and extend these realizations and support for others that may also be deciding to quit stuff recently.

So If you that’s reading this is considering or coming to the realization that it’s time to ‘kick that old habit’ out of your life, all I can say is Go For It! To me that’s been one of the pieces of ‘freedom’ in my life that I’ve been able to create, to be clean and say ‘I don’t depend on this/that to be me in any given context or activity’ in terms of substances/drugs/alcohol etc. It’s truly liberating in many aspects, and to me that’s one piece added to forming the completion of one’s self-authority as in living the statements of I decide, I do change, I live my decision, I walk through the process it takes with its ups and downs, starting overs and mistakes – I stand right back up if I fall, I stick to it, I trust myself, I persevere, I get it done and I see it through.

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227. Are We Addicted to our Emotions and Feelings?

Elitist Character: Drug Culture – Energy Addiction as our Self-Consuming Demise – Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application

Continuing from:

 

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on Energy-Participation in the Mind:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself through a thinking and experiencing process that happens at a mind level wherein I have tacitly agreed to consume my physical substance/ the life essence as the fabric of my physical body for the sake of thinking, feeling, experiencing myself As the mind that is a system that requires energy to exist, and for energy to exist, friction and conflict must exist, without ever realizing the consequences that there exist at a physical and existential level of my own accepted and allowed participation in energy.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize and integrate the understanding of how energy is created through friction and conflict imposed by the mind upon the physical body and in this, continuing to participate in thoughts, emotions and feelings that I simply would not absolutely and diligently Stop in a self-directive decision, which is how and why we have accepted and allowed ourselves to ‘become addicts’ to our own mind and within this becoming addicts to/ obsessed with that which we allowed ourselves to diminish to a single energetic experience in our minds that we experience as ‘feeling good’/ having a good time, which is always an assessment that must be self honestly reviewed in order to see where and how we have participated in the mind.

 

When and as I see myself leaving a leeway or a ‘flexibility’ to my own stopping of thoughts and internal conversations that lead to emotions, feelings or imaginations, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to breathe in and out deeply until I am aware that the energy / point that emerged dissipated and I am back here as the physical paced of breathing, wherein I ensure my muscles are relaxed, I am in a comfortable position and I am directing myself to do what is here to be done/ directed in my reality.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that every time I am in my mind creating experiences toward a piece of information/ words that I read, or toward another being or the environment, I am reducing physicality to a single stream of knowledge and information within my mind,  that in no way represent who I am as a physical being as one and equal to everything that I am thinking of or becoming emotional, or creating feelings about, but that this only benefits the configuration that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a mind-system that reacts with thoughts, emotions and feelings to knowledge and information that I then convert into an experience later on filed and stored as memories, pictures, sounds in order to identify ‘who I am’ toward reality according to the reactions I have programmed myself to exist as.

 

When and as I see myself participating in thoughts, internal conversations, backchat, reactions toward something/ someone in my mind, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am diminishing physical reality to a single stream of knowledge and information which is Not Real here as the physical and instead, realize I am one and equal to everything to everything that I am aware of in that moment as the substance of the physical that we are all made of. Within this, the only practical assessments I can do, are based upon common sense which is the way in which I direct myself to stand one and equal to my mind in order to no longer be ‘fed’ with experiences of emotions and feelings that I am not directing, but instead I become the directive principle of every single aspect I decide to participate in.

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Create Energy from my very own participation in thinking and internal conversations wherein through participating in the thoughts that get to be in my conscious mind, I am already accepting and allowing myself to be the subconscious and unconscious mind, which implies that the process of becoming energy exists every time that I think, have internal conversations/ backchat, go into an experience or behave in a particular way according to a determined context in my reality, which implies that I am defining ‘who I am’ according to How I Assess reality through the mind, instead of being here physically present, constantly and consistently no matter where or with whom, as the physical in itself adapts to physical conditions, not mind-created experiences according to how it perceives itself based on other beings or a particular environment, which means that I am the only one that is participating in defining ‘who I am’ according to ‘where I am.’

 

When and as I see myself creating a particular different experience within me according to who I am with or where I am in, I stop and I breathe. I realize that in this slight difference I am participating in, I am not existing here as a physical being but as the mind with its various personalities that I direct myself to stop and instead, focus on the practical reality wherein I realize that I don’t require to portray myself within a particular experience in order to interact with others, as being physically here and speaking in common sense is all that is required when it comes to Living Life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to cultivate the personalities that I thought I was ‘free to build’ and construct for myself, due to having seen everyone else doing it, so why wouldn’t I? which is then complying to the social norm of fixating into my own personal creation of ‘who I am’ as the mind with emotions and feelings due to the value and regard feelings and emotions are given by people in our world, wherein someone that would Not ‘feel’ or become emotional, was seen as ‘cold’ or ‘distant’ or ‘jaded’ which is what I feared being and becoming – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever fear existing without emotions and feelings and be seen as cold and jaded in my reality, without realizing that it is through this collective agreement of existing as personalities of the mind, that we have collectively agreed as well to the ongoing self abuse that stems from such self-definitions at a mind level wherein the physicality that enables such self definitions to be fulfilled, is destroyed, annihilated and consumed as this point of identification is what creates separation – and that is through thinking and thinking is a mental process which implies Energy.

 

I commit myself to breathing in order to establish myself as the physical wherein I am no longer participating in the thoughts, backchat or internal conversations and instead, ensure that I am here as the physical wherein I am able to be aware of my breath and my surroundings moment by moment, where no ‘waves’ exist within the physical other than the constant movement in and out of breath as the actual vital sign that I am here and I am alive – I don’t require any emotion or feeling or thought to confirm so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider the effects and consequences I would have to walk through at a physical level due to participating in the mind as thoughts, backchat, internal conversations because of having admitted such activity of ‘thinking’ as ‘who I am’ and believing that I was doing ‘no harm to anyone by just thinking’ which is one of our usual excuses to not stop and realize that every time that we think, we are not here as our physical body and that we were most likely never going to notice unless we would be able to realize the consequences of participating within energy of the mind later on in life and then blame other factors such as food, pollution, stress or any other external environmental condition, without realizing that every detrimental aspect to ourselves as life, begins at the level of one single thought that already indicates a separation of ourselves from the physicality that does not require to ‘think’ to live, but simply move as self in order to continue existing, which is then focusing on vital processes and activities that support life in itself and within this

I commit myself to stop every time that I see myself thinking within the realization that it is Not Me making a decision to have these internal conversations that come out of nowhere, therefore, I stop within the realization that participating in such mind-chats means I am abdicating the responsibility and the hereness of being Here as breath as my physical body. Thus, I direct myself to think and use my mind as a tool in order to Live in Common Sense

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the energy experience that rises and that I participate in every time I direct myself to go seek in the web for something that will trigger a sense of excitement within me, which I realize is not me making a decision to have a moment to entertain myself, but that this usually comes when I am in the middle of doing something that is implying me-facing-myself and my responsibilities, which implies that every time I give into these distractions, I confirm that I am in fact opting to go for the Energetic experience  – thus

 

When and as I see myself wanting to go and visit certain websites wherein I can read or look at pictures or hear music that I know will make me feel ‘good’ for a moment when I am busy with my responsibilities, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in deciding to ‘go for it’ I am implying that I would rather participate in energy than being here as breath directing myself physically – thus I stick to breathing in and out until there is no movement left as a desire that comes up in the mind and stick to what I am already physically directing myself to do.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be absolutely directive with every single surge of the slightest energetic experience that begins arising within my mind and instead of being absolute and dedicated to stopping it absolutely, I left a leeway which is walking the middle road to not be absolute and dedicated to stopping all thinking and walking this process selectively, as there are definitive feelings and even emotions as well that I allowed myself to participate in – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be Self Righteous about my experiences and justifying my participation in the mind wherein I would simply not be absolute to stop All participation but still leave an ‘open door’ to that which I thought, believed and perceived would not be ‘detrimental’ to my process, without realizing that the more we allow ourselves these ‘little participations in the mind,’ the more we accumulate energy to that particular thought/ emotion/ feeling that we believe is ‘who we are,’ and within that, before we realize it, we’ve lost ‘track’ of ourselves and have become that thought and embodied it to the point wherein now stopping it is more difficult because of all the extent of time and space that I have given away deliberately to participate in the mind, wherein I literally feed my obsessions and disregarded for such moments my physicality and everything that I am aware of within this process

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a ‘right’ left to have a bit of excitement in my life and indulging in fleeting moments of thinking, becoming emotional or experiencing feelings, which are all stemming from the same processes in the mind wherein there are no ‘innocent’ experiences as I diminished them to be, or ‘natural’ energetic experiences, as I see, realize and understand that All energetic experiences are in fact only existent through the same processes that Any other emotion, feeling, thought, backchat, internal conversations and memories exists as.

 

I commit myself to apply myself within an absolute awareness of myself in every moment, as much as I do when I am participating outside with people, wherein I am aware of every blink of an eye, every breath, my entire physical posture and breathing and walk that into a point of comfort within and as myself no matter if I am alone or ‘with people’ so that I don’t create a personality of ‘awareness’ but instead equalize my self awareness at all times throughout the day, getting myself back to breathing every time that I ‘wander off’ in my mind, missing out on physical reality.

 

I commit myself to be and become alert, aware and specific within my participation in my  mind in order to spot all slightest changes of self-experience which means going into a reaction and identify who I was with, what did I see, what thought crossed my mind, what did I read, what was the last interaction with another being, what am I not directing effectively that is keeping me in a ‘bound’ experience to the mind, which is then the process of writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application as the tools to see the points for myself-

I realize this is the most beneficial point I can do for myself whenever I see that there is something I am apparently ‘not seeing’ or ‘being aware of,’ but all that happens is that when I try to make sense of it in my mind only, it remains without any actual physical consideration because it goes away as the thought that it is as a conclusion and realization which is how I require to write it all out, place it in front of me to be and become aware of my own words/ my own ‘script’ at a physical level and within that, self forgive it, correct it, breathe and integrate the self corrective statements as my application from here on, which always implies a dedication to breathing and remaining here, physically.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the experiences that I have cultivated in my mind, specially those ones that I became self righteous about within the belief that I could just ‘keep this little piece of heaven’ within me, which is the same as leaving a back door for abuse to continue while already being aware of the extent of abuse that we are imposing onto ourselves and each other just because of this self righteous identification of who we are as our mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify ‘thinking’ with an entertaining process wherein through imagining and projecting things I would get a sense of upliftment, excitement and even comfort that I defined toward a situation, events, people, activities, foods, entertainment that I have turned into mind-drugs for my personal satisfaction, which implies that I have agreed to abuse and continue abusing myself and others when not honoring life as one and equal with myself but, remain within a self-righteous mode in my mind to continue creating these positive experiences in my mind as a ‘temporary high’ of which it would then take a greater effort to ‘step out of,’ due to the extent of ‘comfort’ that it is to be only imagining, thinking, projecting, picturing events, situations, experiences in our minds while missing out the physical reality that is certainly not going to generate any ‘positive ‘experience’ however, it is to realize that it is through that chasing after the ‘positive experience’ that we have agreed to consume the physicality that we are in order to feed our minds to generate experiences in self interest. Thus

When and as I see myself ‘making it okay’ to continue indulging in an activity/ thinking process/ day dreaming  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this ‘personal entertainment’ has consequences at a physical level that I am not absolutely experiencing, but am aware of, and this is the point wherein knowledge is placed into application and as such, as I see and realize that I am separating myself from the physical every time that I think, feel, become emotional or participate in imagination and backchat, which is then a process that I must ensure I stop in an absolute manner to assist and support myself to be here as breath, supporting myself as life as what I  really am.

 

I commit myself to stop any positive experience, no matter how ‘little’ or ‘innocent’ it may seem as I realize the level of precision and diligence, that I must live by and apply as a continuous self-movement of which I won’t get any positive experience out of, lol, but it is a self-decision made in common sense and within the realization that I am not willing to continue abusing myself, this reality as everything and everyone that I have reduced to knowledge and information that I have reacted toward in a positive or negative experience in my mind for my own personal vicarious pleasures as everything that I had defined the thinking and becoming emotional and creating feelings to be like – this is the point that must be ‘given up’ in an absolute manner in order to be able to stand here ‘absolutely’

 

I realize that it is ‘hard’ initially to let go of that which makes us ‘feel so good,’ but once that we understand how such fixations are only here existent through our own abdication to life, it is a decision made in Self-Honesty and Integrity to decide to stand up as a physical being that will no longer be an automated robot that will be triggered with emotions and feelings and thoughts about self as this entire reality, but instead establish oneself as the actual integrity/ completion that one is able to exist as when being here breathing and having no ‘waves’ in our waters moving, which menas, having no thoughts, feelings, emotions, worries, concerns or desires, wants, needs –  but simply being here. This is what I realize is the most absolute way to be here and when one is diligently integrating oneself as the physical, the energetic experiences feel like a drug throughout the physical body and it’s certainly not a nice experience, and within that

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘feeling bad’ experience out of the energy that I created myself and that I experience within my physical body as a poison or drug of sorts, without realizing that created it for myself and that ‘feeling bad’ about it is only wanting to victimize myself for something that I inflicted upon me – thus

 

When and as I see myself ‘feeling bad’ for experiencing the result of thinking / participating in the mind in a constant and continuous basis, I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘feeling bad’ is still another mind experience and not an absolute stopping here as breath to move physically to assist and support myself to stabilize myself here and remain breathing to not recreate any experience again.

 

I commit myself to assist and support myself to choose life as in choosing breathing every time that I see myself veering toward/ opting for living out an experience in the mind, and instead become diligent to stop at the slightest energetic experience, through breathing and then immediately investigate the point through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application in order to ensure that I am aware of what was that point of separation and become aware of how to stop it.

 

This will continue…

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Watch:

 

Interviews that Must Be Listened in order to Value what Life Really is and what we are Doing to ourselves at a physical Level every time that we comply to exist only as a mind that seeks / looks for the ultimate fix, missing out the physical in its totality.

Blogs:

 

This blog is inspired by MyKey’s Interviews on  Energy Demons which I suggest to listen to understand the effects and mechanisms of energy and our ‘decisions in life’ to get to a point of clarity to see what is ‘driving’ our decisions – is it ourselves as the mind or is it an actual physical decision to participate in a certain manner with other human beings.

 

Learn how to Value Life and get some practical considerations to bring forth a new Living-Being in this world – If you resisted having children, if you are pregnant, if you are looking toward having children or if you think you dislike Animals, this is a Must Hear:


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