Tag Archives: reactions

545. Living Adaptability

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction
and second part to 544. Being Inadaptable as Self-Limitation

 

I had an interesting dream after having written about this point of inadaptability which I explain in a nutshell in this vlog that I made today for context, but overall it was very cool for me to get some clarity of this point that I opened up yesterday about ‘inadaptability’ and seeing from another perspective what I was in fact accepting and allowing to exist within me but seen from another perspective.

Here I apply a suggested way to approach self-forgiveness which was shared in the following Eqafe.com interview:  Breakups: Problem-Solution-Change! – Atlanteans – Part 466 which is a great series and this approach for the solution is something I’ll test out from here on.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace reality as myself as where, through allowing judgments as liking or disliking a particular weather or a particular living set-up, I’ve allowed my judgments to create an obstacle in me being fully comfortable, grounded and enjoying my life and interaction with others regardless of ‘where’ I am located and what the weather conditions are or how the environment looks like.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word equality towards the physical environment I can be living in, wherein through allowing a belief such as “weather conditions can drain me and make me ‘lose my efficiency” I’ve been existing in a form of blame towards natural conditions that I’ve created a reaction to, instead of realizing that living this comfort and stability within me is not dependent on ‘the external factors’ or conditions, but it can only be lived through stopping the judgments I allowed myself to create towards heat for example or having fears towards particular animals, fearing having no access to basic resources wherein I believe that all of these factors place my life at risk – instead of seeing how I haven’t allowed myself to be expandable as in being grounded within myself wherever I am or can settle in and so focusing on living the word adaptability and flexibility when it comes to getting used to a particular environment and ensuring there are no judgments/separation towards it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word embrace towards the environments I’ve lived in that I’ve judged as having ‘extreme’ conditions or particular lacks or deficiencies, making my entire experience subject to the external factors, instead of realizing how I am the directive principle within myself and I decide what kind of experiences or judgments I turn into an actual  way to experience reality through my own acceptance and allowance – therefore I realize that living the word adaptability or being adaptable is the ability to embrace an environment as is, to not judge it, to not react to it based on preprogrammed reactions of my past that I have recreated and ‘rehashed’ in my current moment and making it ‘as the reality of who I am’ based on my own participation in it, wherein I haven’t allowed myself to be congruent in living the word Equality not only towards people, but also towards the physical environment, other beings that are non-human and all of its conditions in it that are also an extension of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word flexibility whenever I have seen myself feeling appalled by a particular weather condition wherein there are ways to mitigate the outflows of extreme heat for example, yet while I was in those conditions I decided to get frustrated and feel ‘paralyzed’ instead of seeking solutions and stopping the irritation that I created within myself ‘towards the heat itself’ here

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fully take responsibility for my own experiences as reactions created towards particular weather conditions, such as irritation, annoyance, discomfort and helplessness caused towards ‘heat’ which are entirely my own creation and I have the ability to decide to stop it all considering how much of a habit it has become in my life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word disposition wherein I can be an ‘available matter’ to go, be or live in wherever environment I have to be at, wherein I’ve used the excuse of my reaction towards heat as a reason to not go to certain places, using the self-definition of having ‘aversion to heat’ as a reason to justify why I am not willing to embrace a particular environment and its weather condition – which is proof of how if I allow these judgments, beliefs and reactions towards reality, I cause myself a limitation, wherein I see that I can expand and be much more flexible and pliable if I let go of these charged memories of judging, disliking and being uncomfortable towards heat.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word humbleness in the context of being able to adapt to an environment that is not what I have conditioned to deem as ‘suitable’ or ‘perfect’ in terms of certain standards I’ve created throughout my life and within that, having allowed comparison to dictate my decisions of where to live, instead of making a practical assessment to see the reasons to go and live in a particular environment without making the weather factor, the cultural factor, the ‘people around the environment’ factor a reason to limit my ability to expand, learn and grow as a person in a new environment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be tranquil and at peace and ease when experiencing myself in extreme weather conditions or new environments wherein I can require a process of adaptation, wherein I’ve allowed myself to go into desperation, helplessness, irritation, annoyance and ‘blaming the heat’ instead of rather learning to question who am I as these words that exist within me, as experiences that I create and pull out whenever I ‘feel’ extreme heat, therefore I commit myself to live self-awareness in my relationship to how I experience my physical body in higher temperatures specifically and make sure I can breathe and ground myself in my body and not allow myself to recreate the same old patterns around it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to not yet fully live the word responsibility for my reactions which stem from my mind, not my physical body because my body has the ability to adapt along with any form of additional support such as being well hydrated in terms of extreme heat – therefore I stop the blame towards ‘heat’ and instead look back at myself and my memorized reactions I have to stop participating in.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word relax when going out and feeling the rays of the sun hitting on my face and all over my body, wherein my immediate reaction is that of discomfort, annoyance, cringing, wanting to ‘go back inside’ or only seeking the shadows – which of course in terms of a prolonged sun exposure it can be too much for the body and skin, but it is possible to still be under the sun and be ok within oneself, not participating in reactions considering that weather can be challenging and all human beings get to experience it in a physical manner the same way – but it is up to each one of us how we decide to live through it: embracing it or constantly fighting it – and I choose to live the word embrace in relation to heat and embracing the sun rays and sun light along with the necessary support for the body to be ok with extreme heat.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness in the context of being in environments or households that lacked basic services wherein I’ve allowed myself to go into fear of not being able to survive through that, instead of realizing that my fear and stress consumes and affects my body a lot more than the lack of certain basic services in a momentary manner.

Of course here also realizing how much we are depriving fellow beings from living to their utmost potential because of not having placed ourselves in their shoes to realize what billions have to endure when not having access to their basic resources, starting with food and water, and so in this, I also realize I haven’t placed myself in a point of equality to genuinely see that what I’m accepting to exist towards those billions is actually done all to myself as well and that nothing will in fact change if I continue simply fearing being in such precarious condition, instead of living resilience, an ability to adapt and keep going even if basic things we take for granted are suddenly not  available, yet of course continuing to create awareness of the need to sort out this problem for many more in the world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to truly live the word equality towards animals, wherein I’ve still accepted fears and experiences of disgust towards them, perceiving some animals as intimidating or a cause of disruption of my environment, wherein I have in fact limited myself from really embracing them as life, as a part of who we all are and not seeing that I had existed in judgment towards them as something that I could only tolerate, but not fully embrace, instead of actually pushing myself to learn to embrace, which is to not judge, to not see through the filter of preferences, but to learn to see and live with them as an equal part of life that is here as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word adaptability in relation to weather conditions, wherein I’ve conditioned my own ‘state of mind’ to be defined and influenced based on ‘weather conditions’ all the time – therefore allowing me to react to external conditions – instead of realizing I can decide who I am in every moment and not allowing a weather-condition to define me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace the different kinds of weather and instead having gone to specify what is an enjoyable weather and what is not, which means that I’ve made myself subject to a how hot or cold an environment is to feel a particular way, an amount of clouds or lack thereof in the sky, the amount of wind or lack thereof there is, the presence or absence of rain, how ‘clear’ the air around is, how noisy or quiet the environment is, how dirty or clean my surroundings are – all of which I’ve defined as the experience of being inadaptable and generally ‘picky’ in my reality, which I am determined to instead live as the words embrace, humbleness, being forgiving and uncritical, non-judgmental which is the actual way to stop then placing my body under a ‘programmed’ stress that I then have blamed ‘heat’ to be the cause of, when in fact, it’s all self-created.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to challenge the learned and acquired patterns related to ‘reacting towards heat’ learned from others in my environment, wherein it becomes a righteous experience that goes unquestioned, instead of realizing that we always have the ability to choose to not get reactive and emotionally overwhelmed about something, but embracing it, especially with everything that has to do with conditions, factors and contexts that I have no ability to change, such as weather.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be flexible and pliable in relation to the process of adapting to a particular environment or set of weather conditions, instead of wanting to be controlling towards my environment which only results in a constant inner-fight wherein I do more damage to my very own physical body through the emotional experience than the weather condition I believe is making me ‘feel’ a certain way or causing certain damage in my body.

 

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word acceptance and embracing when it comes to reality and all of its factors wherein the moment I start judging, I start separating myself and so begin justifying a fight, a conflict towards a part of reality – being it a context or environment, people, animals, wherein I have to remind myself to live equality towards them and that implies no judgment, not acting out on judgments, not making decisions based on emotional experiences or judgments, but learn to be very practically-oriented when making decisions, ensuring I am clear in my ability to work through these reactions which are really not a big deal if living the word embrace and acceptance – I definitely have blown things out of proportion in my head and that’s another thing I have to stop within me as well.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word flow wherein I can breathe through any emergence of reactions towards the weather, but instead I have become so used to always having a comment about the weather and how bothered I am by it or how much I am enjoying it which then becomes a polarity I’ve kept alive within me as some form of ‘righteousness’ with which I have created consequences in my life, that I had overlooked or deemed as not-important – when in fact, every single aspect of who we are in everything we do represents and speaks a lot about ourselves and ‘who we are’ in relation to life.

So this is one of those things that I would not have gone and opened up by my own volition because it was an ingrained set of reactions I had normalized in my life and it’s only through looking at the word adaptability as a trait that I would like to live and develop, that all of this opened up for me to look at and have present within myself whenever the ‘same old’ experiences may want to come up again, which is the moment where I need to apply myself and in essence, stop fighting my reality in whichever sensation I can perceive it to be, it is ultimately just that, a perception.

 I commit myself to live the word challenge as in questioning myself and the righteous reactions I’ve created towards particular weather conditions, environments, cultures, livelihood set ups and instead be flexible, humble, considerate of others, be ‘flowy’ and adaptable wherever I get to be and live in or experience myself in, because it ultimately all depends on who I decide to be in every moment and live that decision as words to live.

So, this is a plan for me to keep awareness on and apply in my reality from here on.

Thanks for reading

 

 

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427. Walking through the Fear of Making a Decision

 

decisions-fear

 

OBSERVE yourself in that moment ob-SERVE, serve yourself with some awareness through observation, in the moment MOVE yourself to ask “why am I allowing the mind to be more than me/a decision to change here?” and then do a forgiveness / breathing to stand and not accept/allow the thoughts/emotions to take over

 

There has been a couple of situations lately where I accepted fear as a limitation to move and direct myself here, I created a situation of secrecy based on the fear of being judged for the decisions I’ve made in my life. This is not a new situation, it is a pattern and it was interesting to see how I feared making a decision based on the past experiences upon similar decisions and the consequences it created, but in the end I didn’t realize that it was myself that had made those decisions and that the consequence was not really an outflow imposed by others, but actually created by myself and the nature of my decision.

In this I can share that when making decisions in our lives, it is important to not allow our own projected judgment to take over about what ‘others’ will think/say/conclude about one’s decision, it should not matter. This is about oneself being fully aware of and willing to stand in self-responsibility upon making a decision in one’s life, to equate all possible outcomes and have the ability to face the outflows of it, not only in terms of willing oneself to take responsibility for it, but in practical physical reality terms which includes physical bodies, money, world-system considerations, the minds and experiences of the people involved in such decision and whoever else in the environment will be affected by it. Many times we make decisions based on fears and desires and that is not the best way to approach a decision.

 

A decision is then the end result of having assessed all the possible outflows of a situation, considering who and what will be affected by such decision, to ensure that it is not driven by an emotion or a feeling, but by a set of principles that one is willing to stand by and apply at all times from the moment of making a decision to take a certain step in one’s life and on. Many times we first make a decision based on a ‘hunch’ or on a desire or fear – which is the same anyways, driven by an energetic experience – and only later, after the decision is settled,  do we assess what is actually doable and possible in physical reality and what kind of things we actually need to make such decision a reality – this is how we mostly trap ourselves in our decisions, by not considering all the outflows of it and ensuring one is willing to walk through them and ensuring that no matter what, one has the ability to stand up and remain directive.

 

So, I went through a process of keeping a significant decision in my life secret. Why? Well because I projected ideas, beliefs and fears about what others would think of such decision in my life based on past experiences. Where did this lead me to? It led me to then have to walk through my self-created ‘fear’ of having to for once and for all ‘reveal’ or ‘expose’ such decision to the people I had created a ‘fear’ of exposing it to, and the outcome was that it wasn’t as anything that I had created/expected in my mind. I realized in that moment what a big deal I had made and how in fearing ‘what others would say’ about it, I was in fact getting distracted from what actually matters: it is not about ‘others,’ it is never about what ‘others’ would think or say, this is of course about my life and the lives of those involved in this decision. I once again saw how ‘easy’ it is to in the mind get distracted with these seemingly ‘torturing’ experiences of keeping secrets and deciding to not have anyone else to reference a decision with; in a way it is a risk to decide on certain things and not reference them with anyone else, I decided to do that and realized that what I required was me willing to stand by it and learn from it whatever it may bring.  

In this, I would recommend to not fall into the ‘blowing things out of proportion’ that the mind is keen on creating about the result and outflow of confronting such decisions or even sharing about such decisions, and rather taking a breath and walk through the resistance to share something, to face that ‘fear of being judged’ and realize that a judgment does not really do ‘anything’ to us, because whichever point we are fearing to hear about others, we should have first worked with and assessed within ourselves first. Like, for example, seeing: what am I actually fearing to hear from others as feedback upon my decision? And in that rather exploring such ‘fears’ I have and understand them as an outflow of my own doubts, of my own judgments, of my own uncertainties which I should then clarify for myself first, instead of projecting them as potential situations coming from others toward ‘me.’

In fact, one can only fear ‘what others would say’ if one has not yet fully grounded oneself in such decision and is 100% certain on it, and this is how one inkling of doubt taken on as a general doubt toward the decision can be blown out of proportion and made much more than what it practically should be: a process of walking the decision and taking on ‘the points’ that emerge with it and as a result of it moment by moment.

One thing that is always great to recognize is that whatever I bring to my life, is my responsibility and no one else’s, it is my own set of choices that I will have to stand up to and walk through, and in this is also cool to be aware of fearing taking certain risks, failing, making mistakes, bringing undesired consequences, but I have also realized that many times I have fallen for being over-analyzing everything and as such not really taking any risks, which many times leads to stagnation and general limitations based on – once again – rather avoiding undesired outcomes and consequences. But, we would not move as much in life if we constantly held up these fears as reasons to not do things, this is all about being able to measure ‘who am I’ in this decision? what is my starting point within it? what are the potential outflows by me taking this decision? Who am I affecting with my decisions? Have I considered what to do in potential situations that become challenging throughout walking that decision? And so walk the point in self-responsibility and at all times reminding myself that: I made this decision therefore, I assume all the responsibility and outflows that come from it.

In this then, making a seemingly ‘risky’ decision can become at the same time also a point for self-empowerment, where I can prove to myself what I am able to walk through or ‘confront’ myself and others in certain situation and if mistakes arise or ‘failures’ come up, I will only be able to go back to the drawing board and learn from it, seeing what I didn’t take into consideration  based on reality and so seeing where my decision was clouded by a certain desire or fear or any other illusion that was not grounded in physical reality.

It is also then cool to strip our decisions from any fears, doubts and projected expectations about it all, as these are all mind elements that are not necessary to be considered when actually walking a decision and making it work.

Change in our lives is something we are programmed to fear the most and resist the most, we don’t like our ‘little bubbles’ of idleness and status quo to be challenged and changed, and if we look at where this has led us in the world system, it is to stagnation in devolution: only getting worse because we’ve feared to stand up and make serious decisions that involve and require absolute self-responsibility and willingness to walk through the choices we make, even if they mean going ‘the wrong way,’ we can only learn as we fall and create another way to stand up again.  This life is our educational ground and whichever decision we make in our lives, it is best to prepare oneself to fully face it and acknowledge the outflows of it, ensuring one is clear from any mind experience around it and so be able to stand through it not only ‘for the moment’ but as a general process of decision-making steps that lead to a particular outcome generally defined as a new experience in one’s life, a new situation, another ‘phase’ which we usually would not lead ourselves into.  

So it really only takes one moment to make a decision to walk through the seemingly overwhelming and nerve-wracking fear that seems to be overpowering oneself and just do it. , It was funny the day after I faced this point I was laughing at myself after I ‘faced my fear’ and was asking to myself ‘wtf was that?’ because it was such a ‘throwback experience’ to the who I was in the past in similar situations. Fortunately I was able to be supported back at the same time and so this assisted me in realizing what a mindfuck that was so, it is a point I share here to understand that the mind’s job is to blow things out of proportion, at all times: it feeds off from conflict.  We can only be grateful to fall flat back on the ground and realize what a big deal one makes out of something.

In any case, we can always remind ourselves that whichever judgment or experience another creates about one’s decision, such judgment or experience is about themselves and their own mind/judgments only, which is a basic aspect to consider as well. In this then one should then consider at the meaningful feedback that can be obtained not as a ‘judgment’ but as feedback that one can use to take into consideration, to assess within ourselves if it is in fact supportive and necessary to reflect back upon it.

So instead of fearing others’ judgment about our decisions, it is to rather ask oneself what is this fear of mine reflecting back to me about the decision I’ve made? What am I not entirely clear about? What am I fearing about my decision? Then it is not about ‘others’ and what they might say or think about ‘myself’ and ‘my decision,’ but about oneself only, it is entirely our responsibility to face our lives, our decisions, our ‘choices’ and this way, it will be much easier to share one’s decision, once that one has walked through self-forgiving the multiple scenarios and ideas and ‘what ifs’ and rather ‘arm’ oneself with necessary principles to face one’s decision, assess physical reality and so stand by what one decides upon in self-responsibility, realizing that the decision is not a ‘once off’ situation, but rather a continuous living of such decision which in all cases we can always learn more about ourselves, others and living in general.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Fear based Decisions - Living Choices


382. Human Decay and the Wolf of Wall Street

 

One goes to the movies in an attempt to have a good time, to just have some kind of ‘distraction’ from the routine and simply sit and be passively absorbing a movie that is supposed to leave you with a good taste in your mouth… that was certainly not the case when I went to watch The Wolf of Wall Street, in fact it turned out to be quite a shocking social experiment that not only involved what I was watching on the big screen for three hours, but also the audience’s reactions as well, and that’s where the ‘cognitive dissonance’ situation started.

I decided to watch this movie after hearing from others how it would open up many dimensions to consider in relation to the world system and the lies we are buying and selling within our current world-system driven by money, where money is god and justifies any and all forms of abuse. Now, I have to describe the whole set up so that we understand why the reactions also ‘hit home’ in a way within me. I invited my parents to watch the film and I decided that it was a good opportunity to watch it in these VIP movie theatres because of my father’s birthday, so the whole plan seemed to be great and in a way it was, yet I kept pondering why the hell can’t we all just have ‘VIP movie theaters as a norm’ but it’s simply obvious that it would be unsustainable for ‘large doses of people’ to get this kind of comfort –  this peculiarity adds up to the unfolding reactions, as well as the ability of ‘choice’ that we have in our current system when it comes to what money can afford and what kind of ‘luxury’ we decide to give to ourselves, that’s how choice exists as the moment.

 

Wolf of Wall Street -Human Decay - Marlenlife

 

Why the title of this blog? Watching the film wasn’t something that made me laugh at all, it was rather a bit of a shocking experience, probably due to being analyzing every bit of it in terms of what is now shown as ‘R Rated films’ which is straightforward porn – and that’s in my eyes since I have little to no reference of what current porn looks like, other than the one showing up now as ‘soft core porn’ and your regular pop-star shows that resemble a bit to it – and to me that’ was also kind of shocking since I don’t currently watch many movies or series and I’m not that up-to-date as to what is shown as ‘entertainment.’ So, overall I was examining the film and people’s reactions that I then reacted to on my own.  ‘Raising the bar’ is the expression that comes, the laxity toward showing the ‘hardcore stuff’ is probably a morality point I have to walk through since I’m not that familiar with porn stuff so anything to me already becomes ‘too much’ yet, this movie is a true story and I have no doubt all of it and most likely much worse things take place on a daily basis in the lives of the ‘rich and the famous’ or wall street brokers.

 

So, the movie in itself exposes the nature of who we have become as humanity to the extreme of greed, lust, addictions, sociopathic behavior, compulsive lying, egomaniacs and all the disorders that having money in excess brings in the mind of a regular folk that lives day by day desiring to be rich, which is virtually anyone of us.

What perplexed me the most was when some of the most excessive, nasty and brutal behaviors were meant to be ‘funny’ in the movie, but to me it was rather plain shocking to see what was it that was ‘meant to be funny’ when in fact, it was the depiction of human decay in the 21st century where there seems to be no bottom to the pockets of the rich –   and yes, I wasn’t even that shocked when watching something like Fear and loathing in Las Vegas – and this is probably because the people in the movie are our regular ‘successful business men and women that ‘hit the jackpot’ without the rest of us understanding how such ‘jackpot’ can really only exist by committing financial crimes which is making money in illegal manners that are, not surprisingly, accepted and allowed in our current system.

 

Back to the supposed-to-be-funny moments, I heard people laughing in the movies about it, as if the ultimate human stupidity that comes with feeding excessive greed is something funny – this is a movie theater filled with ‘VIP people’ or people with sufficient money to maybe think that they knew what they were laughing about because of having experienced similar stuff themselves, as if one could laugh about human disgrace. All of it: my own judgments and having taking it personal, like many other times throughout my life where I wanted people to see things ‘my way’ and if this wasn’t the case, then I would react.

Supposed to be funny moments - wolf of wall street

 

All of this, is my own backchat, judgment, over-analysis and the reason why it is so is because when I went out of the movies the first thing that I told my parents was: How on Earth can these people laugh at such movie? What the fuck is wrong with them?’ but, the reality is that I created my own experience, reacting with shame once again to being a human being, to be living in a world where the life of ‘the rich and famous’ is something I have accepted and allowed and previously even desired as well due to environmental indoctrination of how we are taught how to create a ‘dream’ of our ‘ideal life’ and ‘follow it’ until ‘we make it.

If anything the movie portrays the bottom of where we are as humanity, becoming the lowest point in existence from which we can only stand up, learn how to live and take self-responsibility or cease to exist. The problem is when an aversion comes up, generating this experience wherein it is easier to think about ‘having everyone erased from the face of the Earth’ than standing as solution. For a moment, I ‘lost myself’ after watching the movie, understanding that the reason why people find human decay as something funny is because most can relate to what this guy desired and lived like which is like an empathic laughter from seeing to what extent a human being can go to follow the carrot on the stick, and actually trick everyone while grabbing the stick and making it work at your own plus-benefit.

 

shock wolf of wall street

 

I understand that every time I react even the least, even for a short period of time the point is to be investigated and surely with this entire movie as a huge trigger point there are many aspects to it that I see I require to dissect in order to uncover another layer of what could be the shame or aversion to being a human being, which is nothing else than a smokescreen, an experience that veils the reality of the matter: I am part of humanity, I am humanity and creating a judgment, a reaction toward myself means I am still separate from what I have defined as ‘human decay.’

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disgust and disdain toward the behavior of people that are rich and have ‘all the power’ to neglect who they are as living beings and as such believe they have lost all sense of dignity and self-respect, only focusing on following ‘their desires’ their wants and needs regardless of who they have to kill, abuse or lie to, without realizing that ‘rich people’ as the elite or anyone in a current position of ‘having more than others’ is in fact no different to what people with ‘lots of money’ do and think-like in their minds, which makes me no different to any human being that gets to such levels of human decay following the light, love, money, power which is what we all exist as every time we use our minds to think and only consider our self-interest, since all that who we are as the mind is and has become is nothing but the ultimate ego, ultimate survival system of ‘having the most’ to secure one’s ability to abuse others in order to keep making ‘more money/accumulating the most power so as to avoid having to take responsibility for one’s actions in this world.

I realize that we all do what any person in an apparent position of power does: follows the ways in which the least effort, the least responsibility and accountability can exist, where one can have ‘the most’ and ‘the best of the best’ regardless of considering at the expense of who or what one is getting such luxuries, comforts, treats and any point that one can buy with money in this world. I am equally responsible to this, since not everyone in this world can have access to such goods, not to mention the ability to separate oneself from ‘the horrors of the world’ by using money as a shield to blind ourselves from our reality, the sheer actual reality that we are separating ourselves from due to the ‘power of money’ which makes me no different to any other being-with-power,  regardless of the amount of money one has- that can avoid the harshness of living without money in this world, where some are not ‘recognized’ as  human beings due to being poor or being out of the ‘loop’ of the considered productive members of society or money-making-puppets that we’ve become, neglecting the life that exists in equality within all of us an only existing in the bubble of the mind that is constantly seeking self-interest, the most pleasures, the most ‘quality living’ which needs the most money too and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to criticize money in itself and people that have ‘way more than normal,’ without realizing that the current polarity that is created between poverty and wealth is what I have come to judge and criticize, since both polarities as extremes are not what is best for all. Wealth can be seen as a privilege at the moment, but the more one has, the more one desires in the mind – so what I see is required of me is to not judge money, not judge comfort and luxury in itself, but rather establish that point of balance within me and so within others so that we come to realize how we require a sustainable and realistic living behavior, since ultimately in this movie we can witness how excess leads to human decay, the same way that poverty keeps a human being unable to develop themselves to their utmost potential.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ‘aversion’ to what I perceive as greedy ambitious and lustful human beings corrupted by money, without realizing that money in itself is our ‘finest creation’ in this reality which exemplifies to the T what we are constantly doing to ourselves in our physical bodies every time that we participate in the mind, of emotions, feelings, backchats, desires, wants and needs, corrupting and abusing the very flesh and bones and every cell that we put through an excruciating pain every time we generate what we perceive is a ‘good feeling’ called energy, of any kind – whether defined as positive or negative – this ‘high’ that comes with power, with ‘having lots of money’ is not coming ‘for free’ and money in itself is the external representation of the abuse that we have imposed toward ourselves, eating away of our physical to feed the energy-systems of the mind, becoming our very own predators and at the same time  becoming completely possessed by that desire to have more, to ‘have it all’, to be all powerful and almighty, as the gods that have made of this world our image and likeness, the greatest decay, the most extensive separation that exists  within ourselves and toward each other, toward our reality, being a physical body that contains the life substance that is what is equal and one to everything that exists, yet at the same time being so separated, abusive toward one another and being willing to harm another in the name of money. 

I realize that the aversion perceived is nothing else than a smokescreen, a veil, a tunnel vision in which I comfortably exist within a momentary experience of disgust, disdain, aversion, anger toward ‘humanity’ or the general public that ‘surely watches the movie and laughs’ without realizing the obvious separation and judgment created wherein I take others’ laughter as an example of how indoctrinated we are when it coms to ‘entertainment’ and through movies pushing the boundaries of ‘what is funny, what is ‘acceptable’ to show on the movie screen etc. without realizing that all of this is the epitome, the creation of who we are and have become as human beings that have abdicated all sense of reality, where all that exists is who we are being directed by our mind, by consciousness, existing as programs that will continue resourcing energy from ourselves without even understanding how such relationship of abuse exists, because we have lived within the notion that abuse is pleasure within the frame of reference of the mind itself.  where any experience – good or bad  in the mind is to its benefit –  without realizing and understanding how everything we believe feels ‘good’ or is ‘nice’ is in fact the most consequential. 

I realize that within the extensive brainwashing that we are witnessing nowadays, a person that has only grown up watching the excesses of ‘the rich and the famous’ grows to see that as normal, as what’s ‘acceptable to do ‘ with money and consequently ‘power,’ without realizing that such move is in fact allowed without considering the relationship of abuse entailed with it and as such, finding it funny through how such depictions of a reality of excess are shown in the movies is then something ‘normal’ within our current mind frame where more and more we see the worst cases of human decay happening every day in this world, and most of it – if not all of it – being the result of having followed and fueled our personal dreams, desires that become addictive obsessions.

 

When and as I see myself reacting to people’s reactions by judging the reactions as unbelievable and unacceptable in terms of how I judge their laughter in a movie that I do not consider as ‘funny’ due to how I have judged the actions represented in it as rather sad, disgusting or shameful, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I then turn my own reactions as ‘truth’ as ‘how others should react to’ in an attempt to once again make people ‘think the way I do’ and so, when seeing that this is not how people’ mind operate, I react because I don’t get my expected confirmation that: this should not be funny, and instead react with the negative polarity to people’s laughter in this situation, just because I had already judged the actions in the movie as negative: disgusting, sad, shameful – without realizing that me judging such actions does nothing to change the origin and nature of what I am watching in that moment – judging it as bad, wrong, shameful, sad, disgraceful is simply fueling my personality traits as the ‘righteous judge’ that can point out what’s bad and good, what’s right or wrong, which is another trait of my mind and as such, it is of no support at all.

 

I commit myself to stop trying to enforce my judgment onto others, and as such stop my reaction towards others’ reactions when seeing that they don’t react ‘the same way I do,’ but in fact do the opposite to what I experience –  which is how I realize that when I am in the mind reacting, no matter how ‘subtle’ it is, I will always be playing the same polarity game and as such, I decide to stop any reaction or experience within me, and as such, also preventing any comparison in terms of ‘my judgment/ my reactions’ in relation to others’ reactions and judgments, as this only perpetuates the same problems that we see in this world where we remain divided and conquered, in our apparent inability to come to agree on ‘what is best for all,’ which in itself will be an entire process for each one of us to walk.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life be very ‘vocal’ and ‘expressive’ about everything that I saw as ‘fucked up’ and ‘wrong’ in reality, in an attempt to ‘change others by witnessing my judgment and thoughts about the problem’ without realizing that only criticizing, judging, blaming, pointing fingers, becoming angry and make a big deal out of what we see is ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ does nothing to solve the problem, but in fact it only perpetuates it further, since I am only using the mind to create an experience of disdain, disgust, shame, anger and general criticism without understanding the origin and cause of that which I am judging as a problem, and within this, I only become part of the problem by only adding mind-reactions to it, instead of investigating solutions within myself first.

 

I realize that no matter how much I shout, yell, scream and attempt others to see ‘my reaction’ to kind of ‘wake up’ and ponder their own passivity with ‘falling for the humor or good feeling’ of something that I have defined as shameful, sad and of utmost decay, I cannot change an individual only by seeing the opposite reaction to theirs, nor can I through my own emotional experience to how others think and react can I change others either. So,

I commit myself to be able to watch, read, witness social interactions, movies and every day life situations without going into this automated judgment of right and wrong, taking part in the polarization of society where we stand against each other in relation to what we support, like and prefer and what we don’t – Instead I focus on myself, understanding my own reactions first so that I am able to stand absolutely clear no matter what I watch, who am I with, where I am with and develop the ability to understand the origin of something, to relate it to myself, to stop any judgments about it and rather use it to constructively educate ourselves further about how we can change something in particular that we see is not aligned with what is best for all – and that will be an actual process of investigation: how we got ourselves to this point in our lives of maximum consequence, to see what has influenced certain behavior, actions, deeds in our race and so, without reactions or judgments, be able to establish a solution, which is what I am committed to doing here, myself.

 

I realize that judging, criticizing people due to the amount of money, power, superior position in the social pyramid does nothing at all to solve the extreme inequality we’re facing at the moment, nor will my reactions help others to look further into the problem either. I can only first ensure that I stop projecting blame, judgment, criticizing, getting exalted by witnessing – even if it is through a movie-a part of myself, a part of the reality I am collectively accepting and allowing, and that is actually fueled by the same thoughts, feelings and desires that we all participate in our mind whenever we seek something ‘good’ or ‘positive’ in our lives, disregarding what it actually takes to get it, who we are abusing to obtain it and how we impact each other’s life by it.

 

I will continue to disclose more on these judgments that come up at times, and that had become almost an automated-acceptance until I am able to be entirely clear and not have these fleeting ‘acceptances’ and excusing them with the idea that ‘well, I might open another’s eyes by me expressing my disgust about it’ because this only perpetuates the problem – and ultimately we all know that: that which we judge in others, we have to first take back to self.

 

Di Caprio crawling to car - Wolf of Wall Street

Bottom line: I suggest watching the movie to check your own reactions too

 

Vlogs:

Are You Ashamed of Humanity?

Economic Self-Education with The Wolf of Wall Street
Wolf of Wall Street Review and Response to Anna Brix

 

Blog:

152. Human Race Embarrassment: Shame on Us « MarlenLife’s Bloghttps://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2012/09/14/152-human-race-embarrassment-shame-on-us/

 

 

To stop judging humanity and start taking self responsibility:


179. Apathy as result of High Expectations

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate anxiety and fear when thinking and backchatting myself about the possible outcomes of having to present my work to other people and them assessing that it is not ‘good enough’/ that it is not suitable for this career, that it has nothing to do with what I am supposed to be writing about – without realizing that these thoughts are actually quite absurd when considering how it is that I have created these judgments within me as backchat that I would use in order to convince me that there is ‘no point’ in doing it, within it hitting the excuse and justification of uselessness as a reaction of apathy leading to the cycle of procrastination.

 

Within this I realize that my reaction of apathy and immediate neglect to what is required to be done is in fact me not having been Here as Breath – but instead talking to myself in my mind as all the negative reasons why I would Not want to get this work done due to having to actually Do It. I breathe and go into the next self forgiveness as a reaction to this realization:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shame and regret as a form of now feeling ‘bad’ about everything that I did and I didn’t do, without realizing that in this, I am only creating yet another experience to cover up the immediate responsibility at hand, which is part of the reactions that I used to justify my inaction and commitment to do things – due to, instead of realizing that it must be done, going into further thinking/ backchat of all the future play outs and the supposed ‘validity’ of the work in itself, without realizing that any writing in itself will be supportive to se me, no matter in which ‘sphere’ of my reality it takes place in.

 

When and as I see myself going into shame and regret for all the time wasted and not lived to give proper direction to myself and my work to be done – I stop and I breathe I realize that facing the consequences of what I accepted and allowed is inevitable – however, going into an experience over it in no way supports and assists me to physically move – thus I stop any point of further self-manipulation to find reasons, excuses and justifications as to why I didn’t move – without realizing that such reasons, justifications and excuses only stand as a further deviation of the physical task at hand.

I realize that I have often used this same mechanism when realizing the points that must be done and instead of simply breathing, stabilizing myself physically here, I go into further judgment and justification as all the reasons, excuses, explanations that I try to ‘give a meaning/ value to’ in my mind, which only stand as a defense to protect my own self interest of ‘not wanting to accept having made a mistake/ having fucked it up’ – as that goes ‘against my idea of self,’ which is precisely what we are walking this process for: to see, realize and expose to ourselves to what extent we are able to lie ourselves continuously in order to protect a mechanism of self interest wherein the ‘who we are’ as the perfect/ ideal I have of myself in my mind, is always ‘spotless’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to place myself as a ‘considerate person’ whenever I would go into the negative backchat and within this considering that my reactions such as immediate fear and anxiety could not remain ‘within me’ as ‘who I am’ which is how I would immediately seek for another point to keep me ‘balanced out’ in my mind, wherein ‘my score’ would remain untainted by this one task I was not directing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within reacting in fear and anxiety to face one single aspect and task of my life, generate a complete callous experience toward it, of seemingly it not being ‘important’ and prioritizing other things in my mind, because within doing this, I would keep myself in a ‘safe spot’ of doing things right, properly, without realizing that even the input/ drive to do other things Instead of physically directing me to get this task done was motivated by my own desire to ‘even myself out’ in my mind, wherein even if I knew that I was not getting this task done, I would then create another task/ activity as a supplement to ‘even out’ my sense of remaining a ‘responsible being’ because of ‘doing this other thing/ taking this other responsibility’ – without realizing how I was in fact being selective within this process in order to suit my needs of self interest, to remain with a positive reputation in my mind at the eyes of other and myself, while deliberately knowing that there is this ‘chunk of things’ to direct and do, and that it won’t certainly just ‘go away’ by wishing it so or positively thinking.

 

When and as I see myself reacting with fear of losing my reputation as a responsible being when realizing I am Not directing myself appropriately – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is stemming from a defense of my ‘ego’ as this precious thing that I’ve created for myself to remain with a ‘positive stance’ toward people in my world and within myself in my mind, wherein it is no different to talking myself positively in order to create a positive experience for taking other responsibilities and neglecting others that are also important and priority in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘But! Instead of doing this work, I am doing that other work which is Also important’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that me doing the ‘balancing out’ wherein I try to even points in order to compensate for what I realize I am not doing, is another trick of the ego to always keeps itself ‘winning’ and ‘on top’ and ‘stable’ and even with a false sense of ‘calmness’ that is like a pill taken to soothe the initial shot of anxiety and fear experienced every time that the backchat ‘I am not doing this’ would be manifested not even as thoughts but as a physical doing of just side sweeping it right away, not giving any ‘second thought’ to actually do it, but simply get on to the rest of the things to do which I have defined myself to be ‘comfortable’ in doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience of apathy and general dullness when thinking about doing this written work, as the result of the backchat such as ‘what’s the point for this?’ wherein I realize that I am placing a condition to my movement to do things based on the outcome/ result which is an expectation created according to what I would ‘want’ to get from it.

When and as I see myself thinking the backchat ‘what’s the point for this’ and going into apathy and idleness in that moment, I stop and I breathe  – I realize that seeking for a particular outcome that could satisfy my desire for positive experience is another way to sabotage my self-movement as an unconditional one, as a self-willed realization that this must be done regardless of any result or outcome.

I commit myself to be unconditional in my self movement in the physical regardless of the task I have at hand, as I realize that equalizing myself as the physical is not judging the task to be done as either ‘good for me’ or ‘more valuable’ or ‘less important,’ as I realize that within the assessment in common sense of what I have to do and what must get done, implies a physical consideration of it to be done as part of a responsibility or a practical functionality for myself and others in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in apathy and even defeatism whenever having the backchat ‘ I’m not good enough within this career/ what difference will it make to others what I have to say here?’  which is rather a product of self manipulation wherein I am giving into ‘thinking’ my doing based on how it will be received/ viewed and valued/assessed by others, making of this future backchat projection ( lol ) a single obstacle in my mind to simply then turn my back on this work, because of me secretly wanting and desiring and still keeping this belief of me having to ‘change other people’s minds about themselves’ through this particular work/ task that I have to complete. Within this it is seeing how I have created my own condition of ‘If I can be praised/ glorified’ within my mind based on the reception this work will get, then I gladly do it’ – but when there is no certainty of this, I then go into a negative experience toward it in order to  create an experience of being ‘not good enough’ and backchatting myself about it, simply because of expecting a reward that satisfies my ego within this all.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘I’m not good enough within this career/ what difference will it make to others to read/ hear what I have to say here?’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that within this I am placing a condition to my self-writing, my own physical process of doing things based on a future projection and assumption of how it will be received by others, instead of realizing that I have the absolute ability to simply write within the direction that I already see and realize I am capable of giving myself as the simplicity of opening the document and continuing writing – instead of allowing imagination, future projections, backchat and an overall reaction of uselessness and defeatism to be ‘more’ than myself and my will to move and direct me here.

 

I commit myself to stop going into future projections about the reception and how will ‘others’ read my words and what they will ‘think’ of my work and instead, simply direct myself to physically do it in the moment, as myself – directing-me to do it, regardless of expecting a positive or negative outcome of it, as I see and realize that within trapping myself in these two polarities, I condition my very physical to energy instead of realizing and living out the understanding of how the physical is able to move itself by simply the ‘force’ that I can redefine as self-movement instead of mind-energetic conditions to move that I had imposed onto the physical’s unconditional self movement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I’m wasting my time with this’ as an excuse to instead veer toward doing ‘something else’ – without realizing that the actual wasting of breath-time is whenever I am finding excuses and justifications to not do it, wherein I then create a positive experience of me not doing something based on the belief that ‘there is no use to it’ – thus creating and placing conditions to my self movement according to what I have defined as valuable and what I have defined as ‘not valuable’ and within this separation, actually missing the point of it all wherein I am waiting for something to be ‘productive’ for me to do instead of me doing and directing myself to ‘do it’/ be productive in the moment.

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘I am wasting my time on a task’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this stems from the inner value-system I have created toward tasks/ points that I have to do based on the experience that they create within me as either satisfying a positive experience in my mind or not, wherein I thus realize that anything that is generating a sense of ‘lack’ or wanting to do ‘something else’ instead, is already indicating that I am at the right place where there is no energy ‘flow’ within the doing of it, and as such, that all the points that come to my mind as something that I would ‘rather do’ are identified as mind-triggers for positive experience, which I must then debunk in order to see how my own value system of ‘preferred activities and tasks’ stems from the energetic experience I get of it , indicating that it is the mind that is seeking itself to have ‘time’ to satisfy itself instead of me as a self directive being directing myself to do things that will not cause me a positive or negative experience, but simply have to be done.

 

When and as I see myself then now attempting to go into a positive experience for ‘moving’ through this procrastination point, I stop and I breathe – I realize that making it a positive experience because ‘yay I am moving!’ is also a mind experience to still create positive energy within this – thus I commit myself to be absolutely clear and stable within me every moment that I go into the positive experience of stopping the procrastination character, as it would be rather futile to now make this stopping another mind experience – lol.

 

I commit myself to live Self Responsibility not only as a physical realization of having to ‘get things done’ but also within the understanding that every time that I give into energy – either positive or negative – to do/ not do things, I am abdicating my self-directive principle to move unconditionally and I am in fact abusing my physical body as every time that I create either a negative or a positive experience through thoughts manifesting either a positive or a negative experience, I am subjecting my physical body to be consumed by the mind that requires always to have an energetic fix which comes through the very physical-consumption of my physical body that is transformed into any of these experiences that I then believe is ‘who I am,’ which is unacceptable within the realization that physical movement is here as breath, therefore, as I breathe and simply make the decision to get the writing done/ to work on it I realize that there is no experience required within me, no judgment toward the task in itself, no future projection or conditional ‘result’ of it required, as I see and realize that all of these are mind-created obstacles wanting to get a positive outcome of it all which create a conflict upon that which can be simply physically done and directed.

 

I realize that the apathy experienced and deliberate ‘not doing’ a task stems from – within various other dimensions that I have probably yet to discover – having a future projection of a positive outcome within it, and within me generating this belief that there is no point to it/ not being good enough/ wasting my time to this. To understand more why thinking exists, listen to these two interviews that are vital in order to understand who we are within these ‘obstacles’ and what we are accepting and allow ourselves to be and have become within it all:

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178. There’s no reason, no explanation, so play the violin

 

Backchat Reaction dimension within Procrastination Character

Within walking this process of identifying all dimensions, I realized that the backchat has more to do with a series of judgments that I have held toward specifics in relation to myself and art and at the moment, I’ve walked that on a previous blog, however when it comes to the reactions, I see that the most prominent points where simply fear, anxiety and then a laxity wherein I would make it all alright and simply keep going without going into it.

 

I’ve had a song in the back of my head, Ricochet by Faith no more and the chorus says:

“It’s always funny until someone gets hurt…
And then it’s just hilarious!”

 

Now the most prominent reaction I am facing currently is  to my own stupidity-loops that I’ve walked, and as I write this I can experience some type of energetic drill on my arms because of how I did this to myself and my reaction toward this has been that of anger that I’ve channeled through other means – like points of getting angry at people for not cleaning the kitchen a month ago, getting irritated about other people’s expression as if everything ‘was fine’ and me simply reacting to it because of this drag that I’ve been keeping around myself all this time.  And it’s interesting because I got the point explained to me and still, I didn’t quite ‘get it’ in terms of being angry at ourselves for not changing. Now it’s quite clear and makes absolute sense, I was simply using others to ventilate my own accumulated inner-anger/ frustration for not moving on/ directing myself –this is how we try to ‘project blame to others’ instead of taking responsibility for our own deeds, thoughts and words. Listen to Anu’s recent interviews for more detailed explanation on this point, which will strip any sense of righteousness upon decision making based on the mind’s indulgence: Reptilians – Facing Choice (Part 2) – Part 108

 

Hence the reactions are more of an accumulated state of absurdity when realizing what I’ve done or not done to be precise. Being  this something that had become this ‘something going on’ within me that can be easily side-swept within self interest – and not even easily really, that’s also what I’ve made myself believe: it can be easily ignored in the moment, however it becomes like a constant gnawing thought – now the ‘gnawing thought’ makes sense when studying the Quantum Mind Series and getting a clue of the level of abuse that we are inflicting upon ourselves whenever we Think about things but not Do anything with it – Why? This is the question: if I realize that I am not supporting myself in keeping this ‘thing’ on top of me like a cross I’ve accepted and allowed myself to bear absolutely unnecessarily so, then why the hell have I simply not given it self direction?  Because: in the mind, everything is fine – yes just like ‘In Heaven, Everything is Fine’ and this is the point wherein I realize that I have chosen the mind to direct me and become me and my every day decision-maker instead of myself not accepting and allowing to give into the ‘same old carelessness’ toward things that I ‘know’ must be done and simply, doing it = ‘play the violin.’

 

A memory that comes up within this is how I would for example procrastinate simple things throughout my day as a child, like taking off my school uniform when getting home from school, getting to a point of having to be ‘threatened’ by my mother with a tickle-attack if I didn’t take it off in 30 seconds, then I would MOVE the hell off the couch, stop watching MTV  and run to take it off and put some other clothes – however when this wasn’t the case, I could remain the entire day with the uniform on, LOL – this is just ‘hilarious’ yes but the point is not the uniform or how I was conditioned to move with something I feared, which is something that’s very clear to me now –  but how these seemingly innocent patterns evolved later on with other points of procrastination up to one that I created  for myself and walking at the moment. It’s a ‘carelessness’ toward myself and a laxity that can accumulate in seemingly ‘unnoticeable’ points that I am perfectly aware exist within me and that I participate in on a daily basis. Within the previous example,  taking off the uniform would literally take me 20 seconds, 20 goddamn seconds… however I would simply move everywhere else, do all my homework and studies to the T, be a ‘responsible girl’ in all ‘school matters’ but could not make the single decision to take off the uniform – that’s the same experience that I’m having as a reaction to this procrastination point, which is pretty cool that emerged as I have this ‘thought,’ that single pixel frame of the TV-room I used to spend my days in, wearing my uniform for probably some 12 hours on a row or more lol, doing all my homework and my ‘responsibilities’ however not moving in one simple aspect that was related to me – which opens up the point: have I always done things for others then? And when have I really done things for me? I am sure this process is and has been as self-decision, which is how I have kept myself ‘constant’ within it – however the moment I separated this school-career project and making it ‘for others’ I turned my own tables and decided to judge it and procrastinate it.

The uniform was definitely constricting! it was uncomfortable, yet I kept wearing it –that pretty much sums up my reaction toward this point: it is constricting, it was utterly uncomfortable having this jack in the box constant nagging thought, however I did not move. And so, it is hilarious.

I said, “it’s okay to laugh about it”

 

As I’ve been working on the actual writing and moving myself within this whole procrastination deal,  I realize how I had actually enjoyed having begun writing the first version of it, which was far more extensive than the one I am writing at the moment and that is less ‘constricting’ in terms of the ‘rigidness’ of what a proper ‘academic written work’ should be like.  I realized how within simply writing and actually just ‘doing it’ to what extent I simply made a huge fucking deal out of it, while it only took me opening the damn file and reviewing, continuing writing and being certain of what I am writing as my own process, with full awareness of how it is that it is much more simple  to just physically do it, than anything else I could have made up in my mind of it being seemingly ‘too much’ – all excuses as backchat that I would react to in this heaviness at a physical level after going through slight pungent shots of anxiety and fear for ‘the future,’ giving into the mind experience instead of taking it ‘by the horns’ and not allowing me to continue procrastinating. But I did.

And so, as I’ve learned from some blogs I’ve read from Lindsay Craver, I realize how sometimes the songs we have in our heads are indicating ‘something’ that we are simply not fully seeing ‘here.’  and I’ll give a proper journey to life review on her blog in a vlog. So keep an eye on it.

 

And the chorus pretty much describes how I would go through my day by day, as if everything was ‘just fine’ and then realizing, oh fuck, I did squander my time – it’s done and gone. And now ‘the joke is on me’  and how well, I realize I can’t get more pissed off or angry at myself as that would be another stupidity loop – nor channeling through getting angry ‘at others’ because I can’t fool myself that easily any longer –

So, it is ‘hilarious’ to realize this yes, I mean, what’s left to do but acknowledge what I’ve done, how I created it, and how I am simply giving it direction without further reactions.

So the reactions at the moment are more related to having procrastinated this task all this time – it is a point of self-judgment and yes  I remember very well: ‘Do not judge yourself if you fall’ – However, if it is here and it’s just ‘hilarious’ that I did it, well I have to walk down the procrastination road and eat lots of humble pie (thanks to Cerise that explained that idiom to me)  and accepting my mistakes, that is the gift that I can give to myself wherein there is no positive or negative mindfuck to cover it up or try to find a ‘good way’ to justify why I procrastinated, or believing that ‘there was seemingly an external/ unknown/ mysterious  reason’ for this to happen, that there was ‘something behind this all’ that I simply am apparently unaware of and that’s the reason why I had to stay longer here and essentially extending my expiry date for a year – expiry date I mean with my due time to simply get things done and sticking around here.

 

So it’s always ‘funny’ and just ‘nice’ to keep ourselves deciding for the fluffy positive thinking and positive experience that one creates in order to not take on the tasks that must be done –  until the shit hits the fan and I’m brought back to Earth – why do I require these wake up calls then having to go through fear, anxiety, keeping it inside, rotting until it’s just a point where the pungent smell is telling me Hey you know, you could have just DONE it and get over with it, how difficult is that?

And this is where I look down and forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to  realize believe that I could ‘get away from this’ easily and that there would be a miraculous way to step-out of it, and not having to eventually do it/ work on this.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate a point of self abuse as a physical burden and a constant reaction of shame toward my own dishonesty to move/ do things/ get my responsibilities ‘moving’ wherein instead of actually taking the necessary physical direction, I gave into the experience of ‘feeling bad’ about it and then using all means and justifications like having ‘other responsibilities that are more important’ as an excuse, wherein then ‘blame’ comes as a suitable gadget for me to not see that I am the only one that is and has been responsible for this, and that in the end, I will also have to walk through the consequences no matter what – and this is where yes, there is nothing left to do but eat my own words and say ‘I did this to myself.’

 

Within this  – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge ourselves as humanity for ‘waiting for a savior/ god’ to come and fix things for ourselves and then in the end, simply having to do it ourselves once that the shit is still ‘there’ and there’s no one to take care of it – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shame and embarrassment toward my own dishonesty which is simply another form of ego to victimize myself about what I didn’t do – why I did not give it direction and remain within a comfort zone of just ‘feeling bad about it’ which is not really necessary and even self interest to create yet another experience upon not doing something, instead of simply breathing, letting it go, giving myself proper practical direction to do it and that’s it. Within this realize how it is actually quite easy to simply ‘do it’ and not give into all the thoughts and judgments and backchat about it, or adding an extra layer of judgment when ‘looking back on time’ and realizing the stupidity I have created for myself, by myself

 

I realize that I will walk the consequences and that yes, the ricochet eventually hits us back again – and that ‘there’s no reason, no explanation, so play the violin’ – this is exactly what I’ve experienced and that’s just part of the lyrics.  I have no excuse, I don’t have to explain myself further to make it alright, so I play the violin which means I get this done.

More explicit self forgiveness in the next one…

 

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177. Imagining Positive Outcomes as Conditions to Move

Imagination Reactions – Procrastination Character
Positive Imagination

Within this, the imagination of a ‘better thing to do’ such as simply going out for a walk and imagining the entire play out of having a ‘cool time’ within it forms part of the immediate thought and imagination that covers-up the points I reviewed in the last blog in relation to the negative imagination.

The other future projection is exactly the opposite of what I have imagined/ pictured myself in within the point of confrontation with the ‘jury’ and instead of having them bashing my work, praising and ‘loving it’ which is how I then also create this laxity and sensation within me of relief, or even expectation as an experience wherein all of this is happening in my mind with no actual physical ‘input’ so to speak to actually simply get this done and stopping future-projections that only serve my own mind-interest instead of giving myself direction in the physical.

As I had explained as well, walking as the ‘sacred time of the day’ within my routine, as that untouchable aspect that I have defined as a ‘must do no matter what’ and how I can implement this same drive toward any other point/ activity in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with excitement to going out for a walk due to how I have defined this experience of walking outside as a positive thing to do within my day, yet it has been used to also distract myself to get to the positive point in my day and avoid looking at the rest of the points that also require my attention and equal-input to get them done thus

When and as I see myself reacting with enthusiasm and excitement and be just ‘ready’ to go out for a walk, I stop and I breathe – I realize and make sure that I am not using this as an excuse to leave what I have to do ‘for later’ and excusing myself with further self-talk of why I should go outside – thus

I commit myself to make the decision to go outside based on how I have covered my basic priorities during the day or not – as I realize that it is within this excitement and expectation of going outside that I suddenly ‘let everything go’ and justify it with ‘giving myself some time’ but from the perspective of actually pushing aside/ covering up the initial negative experience that I am in fact trying to ‘make alright’ through the positive experience of going out for a walk, which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to expand and express myself as ‘steadfastness’ toward every activity that I commit myself to do, as this is what I see and realize assists and support me to not allow myself to go into thoughts, pictures, imagination about ‘doing something’ but simply giving myself direction in a physical manner, not allowing myself to have ‘second thoughts’ about things.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself within a situation of facing/ confronting and exposing my written document to more people and them reacting with amazement and delight about what I have to say, creating a positive experience within me in that moment of being imagining this such as a warm sensation in my stomach and creating this upliftment within me that I am only making up in my mind and experienced at a physical level, without seeing and realizing that I am in fact NOT doing anything physically but only up there entertaining myself in my mind with positive outcomes and expectations that have no foundation in any way whatsoever but mere desires and delusions of grandeur – thus

 

When and as I see myself imagining myself in this future projection moment of presenting my work to more people, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this positive experience is a cover up for the fear of having the exact opposite happening in reality within the same situation as a negative experience – thus I realize that in order to DO something, I don’t require to future project, I don’t require to have either a positive or a negative experience, it is only about myself being congruent with my doings and commitments that I am pressing here and stop all mind-entertainment that serves no other purpose but making it ‘alright’ within my mind to simply not do things and believing that ‘somehow’ it will all turn out just fine, which is the laxity that must be stopped in order to get to the physical points that must be done.

I commit myself to stop imagining pictures, moments with more people ‘praising my work’ and within this reacting with a positive experience of upliftment, grandeur, importance that is only founded upon my mind, my secret desires to ‘win’ no matter what and be ‘recognized’  – I realize that within these seemingly ‘innocent’ participation in the mind, I am in fact abdicating the self responsibility toward actual physical DOING and instead, I am getting a physical high of thoughts in my head, which proves to what extent I have allowed myself to use my physical body as a self-projector of ‘good experiences’ while leaving the actual DOING for ‘another time,’ which implies that imagination as a positive experience is also another way to procrastinate and delude ourselves into a positive outcome without any real foundation of it as a physical-doing.

I realize that indulging in imagination is also a way to suit my needs and ‘soothe my fears’ like covering them up with something ‘better to think,’ instead of realizing that this is not about a Thinking process but a Doing that does not require me to project a future certain outcome that I can create a point of ‘satisfaction’ about, without physically first doing it.

This reveals how I have tended to only ‘move’ myself based on having a certainty of ending up ‘winning’ having the result that ‘I expect/ that I want’ and when this is not  in place, I do not do it because of actually being fearing the ‘negative outcome’ within all of this, which is how I comfort myself with ‘positive outcomes’ without realizing how either/or positive or negative are equally abusive in fact.

 

Thus, equalizing myself to the physical dimension of reality implies: I do not require to have ‘certainty’ created in my mind toward doing something, I simply require to just do it.

I realize that I do not require to have a positive input or drive to do things through imagining a ‘reward’ of sorts for doing it, that would be conditioning myself to only move according to there being ‘something in it for me.’

I realize that If I am here to stand for an equal and one self-movement as the physical, there has to be no energetic drive existent within me to ‘feel like doing something’ – I instead, take a deep breath, recognize that breath as the physical living-force is all I really require to get things done.

More to come

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127. Confessions of a Control Freak

I Forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to relate the word control to myself as a negative experience in relation to the illusion of being able to control another’s expression/ words as well as my environment, to the extent where whenever I hear the word ‘control’ I try to hide and suppress the actual identification that I have kept within myself, in a rather foolish manner as who am I as control but fear itself.

When and as I see myself reacting to the word control – I stop and I breathe – I realize that control does not exist, it is an illusion that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as in order to try and create a point of external stability within an environment and toward others’ words and deeds, which is separation.

 

Thus I realize that control as a living word means directing myself as one and equal, which implies taking into consideration another’s context so that I ensure that who I am within a particular moment toward another is not superior, nor inferior, nor separated from another but instead, allow myself to see where and how I can direct myself as an equal to that something/ someone and as such, realize that any illusion of control only exists as a desire stemming from actual fear of an environment/ someone in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the illusion of control wherein if something/someone’s expression/ words are out of place/ out of my schemes I react in anxiety as that is something that I cannot possibly ‘control,’ which is only indicating that I haven’t established myself as an equal and one relationship to that something/ someone, as I am still existing within the illusion and belief of me having any control upon something/ someone.  

When and as I see myself reacting in anxiety when seeing something/ someone’s words and deeds being ‘out of my control,’ I stop and I breathe – Instead of reacting with backchat, I direct myself to take a deep breath and see where I am reacting to words according to such words being directed toward me and instead see where and how I can direct myself to an equal and one consideration/ starting point of self-support.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the backchat ‘why did he/she say that? Why the fuck is he/she still thinking about that?’ wherein I am implying that I want the person to already be ‘beyond’ a particular way of thinking, which is me wanting to impose my own ideals of what another should be talking about/ expressing according to my own schemes that I have imposed onto a particular person, wherein I then project judgment upon another by standing in an apparent superiority mode as if ‘I knew better’ at all times – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear that the words/ the expression is related to me as the ‘who I am’ in my mind, wherein then I react in a extreme want/ need/ desire to control their expression just because of how I am in fact identifying myself with what’s being said, which implies that I am in reality fearing myself being hurt/ damaged/ thought about in a similar way by another, which implies that I am fearing thoughts as if they implied any real harm toward another, as I see and realize that all thoughts are self-created and as such, the consequences exist only toward oneself at all time.

I realize that I then take responsibility for my own words, thoughts and deeds wherein instead of wanting to control another’s backchat and thoughts, I focus on stopping my reactions to words themselves as words are innocent – yet it is us and the relationships we have created with words that are the actual point of abuse.

When and as I see myself fearing another’s words/ backchat being related to me in any way whatsoever, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is me allowing myself to be separated from words and creating a reaction to them by taking them ‘personally’ and I see and realize that the only thing that can take something personal is the ego of the mind as in the physical, all words that are not able to be lived are simply irrelevant to who and what I am here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control others expression/words/ deeds in order for me to remain ‘safe’ within the predictability that such point of constancy and consistency as a form of control upon others represent, wherein nothing goes ‘out of MY control’ and in that, ensuring that I remain within a position of comfort and familiarity, not realizing how this sense of ‘comfort and familiarity’ within an apparent control of my environment/ others within it, is actually a constant application of actually fearing the ‘unpredictable’ which is always something feared in relation to what others can ‘do to me’/ how something can directly affect me, which reveals the application of control as a form of absolute self interest, wherein such interest stands as a strong desire to keep everything ‘under my control’ as a form of power and superiority in my mind so that ‘nothing can harm me.’

I see and realize that my application of and as control has always existed as a cover up for the actual fear of things being ‘out of my control’ and in that, realizing that I have never in fact being in control of anything or anyone, as I see and realize how we have never even been able to be actually controlling/ self-directing our own thoughts, movements and actions at all times. Thus I see how the illusion of control is just another form of fear masked with superiority upon others, exerted through means and ways that impose fear in order to create an illusion of ‘order and stability,’ which is part of the totalitarian means in which I allowed myself to develop a form of stability as a character within/as control.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to create a point ‘order and stability’ within controlling others expression/ words, I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am in fact fearing things going ‘out of control’ and the unpredictable-  thus I direct myself to instead of reacting to words/ deeds, I take such words and deeds to support myself to see ‘who I am’ within such words, take responsibility for my reactions and then, if I am able and capable of in the moment, assist and support another to walk through the point of self-delusion as words that imply an obvious point of harm and self-abuse.

 

I realize that the responsibility that we hold toward words is individual – and this implies that I take responsibility for the words that I exert/ express as a form and within/as the desire for control, as well as the reactions toward words that I assess within my mind as being ‘out of my control,’ wherein I see the point as separate from me instead of seeing and realizing that real harm would not be only existent as words but as an actual living out of such harm in a physical manner.

Thus I assist and support myself as another to walk through words that imply an obvious point of self-abuse/ physical abuse toward oneself or another and as such see how the point is not to control another’s words implying abuse, but assisting and supporting them to walk through the point of abuse once that I have Self-Forgiven and written out a point of practical application in relation to stopping reactions toward words and focus on assisting and supporting another to do the same.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear imposing myself and often holding the backchat of ‘I am a really difficult person to deal with,’ wherein I believe that If I was in another’s shoes talking to me, I’d be wanting to throw a tantrum against myself, which implies how I haven’t equalized myself to my expression of self-direction in equality, which is the definition of control that I see I am allowing myself to live and apply in order to assist and support myself to give myself and others equal and one direction toward that which is best for all, which is what we as the mind fear, resist or react to simply because we have never stood one and equal as our minds.

I see and realize that the reactions toward the word control can only exist if I allow myself to create a point of superiority or inferiority in relation to what control means – thus I realize that in my mind any application of control has stemmed from an actual fear of ‘not being controlling something/ someone’ which implies by default that I had never in fact stood in an equal and one “relationship” to another, but always creating either an inferiority or superiority point.

Inferiority – In-fear-I roar- it – which is how control as an apparent/ illusionary form of control as ‘grandiosity/ magnificence/ god status’ is created, which is how superiority stems from this point of actual fear as inferiority toward something/ someone.

 

When and as I see myself thinking/ backchatting ‘I am a real difficult person to deal with’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a statement of self manipulation wherein I am in fact victimizing myself as ‘an ogre/ a control freak’ upon others to justify my actual desire to continue controlling. Thus Instead I take a deep breath so stop participating in my own self-manipulative backchat to not change my application within self-righteousness and instead, allow myself to place myself in the shoes of another when and while interacting to ensure that I am walking-with me here as another, understanding the words being said, clearing any reaction as backchat that may emerge and as such, focus on the direct physical interaction of sharing/ expressing in and as words/ physical movements to ensure that we are on the same physical-page of communication.

 

I see and realize that the relationship toward the word ‘Control’ in itself has been a point of fear masked by/ through the application of control as apparent ‘power’ upon something/ someone, an imposition of sorts to create a sense of stability and immobility that benefits the illusion of ‘normalcy’ within our minds, which is how we have created our laws, rules/ regulation in society wherein we believe that we are  ‘in control’ and living in ‘order,’ just because of these laws, rules and regulations wherein we lure each other to ‘behave’ and ‘align’ to the system as a form of loyalty to it, which is adding a positive experience to this illusion of control that we often call ‘state of law and order’ which is controlling/ imposing an apparent power over the population by instilling fear and punishment for whomsoever attempts to ‘break the law,’ without realizing how such laws were in fact stemming from fear of the unpredictability of our nature

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a control freak the moment I want a particular environment to remain ‘as is’ and be untouched/ undisturbed as this is what I have defined ‘security’ to be about: me being able to decide when to move something and how things must remain and look like as a form of external stability that I condition my own expression to.

 

I realize that this apparent stability is only a visual fix that I have become used to in order to create a sense of normalcy, constancy and consistency wherein the moment that something changes/ goes out of my control, I would react, which is implying that who I am as the mind has created a form of ‘environmental stability’ upon the apparent ‘unchangeable’ aspect of something/ someone, as that would represent such something/ someone would remain as a point of support for my apparent idea/ belief and perception of control upon others/ my environment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another’s words personal wherein I immediately would want to control their expression toward me, which implies that I am still reacting to words directly/ indirectly – thus

When and as I see myself reacting to another’s words indirectly or directly – I stop and I breathe – instead of trying to shove the reaction away by upgrading the sense of security and stability as the character of ‘control’ – I investigate why and how it is that I am reacting to such words in separation of myself, and walk the pertinent self forgiveness in order to ensure that who and what I am is in fact equal and one here, hearing/ reading words and in fact supporting me to identify any slightest reaction as a sly-test to see where I am and who I am within the expression of words.

 

I realize that Control as such is just an egotistical treat of the mind to stand as an apparent ‘dominant force’ that can only exist through instilling fear IF such control is not lived as an equal and one self-direction.

Thus I commit myself to live the word control as the equal and one self-direction that I see and realize I am able to live by/ as, standing as an example of how we are practically and physically able to give ourselves direction within the consideration of each other as equals, wherein no more relationship power games of inFEARiority and superiority are existent.

 

I commit myself to physically live the word control in a best for all way wherein we can all finally stop fearing the word control as the apparent imposition of power, as I see and realize that if such power exists as a form of imposed superiority upon something/ someone, it stems from fear and creates fear as a way to create a relationship of inequality and as such of disparity that we then believe is ‘real,’ which is not so in any way at all.

Within this, I assist and support myself and others to live the word control as an equal and one self direction wherein we ensure that we get to know in fact how to be HERE as the physical body, living a practical self-forgiveness alignment to the words we speak in relation to how we live them and that way, stopping fearing each other’s expression, stopping taking words personal and instead investigate them and integrate them to our personal-process self-support to ensure that who we are is in fact equal and one in all ways, which is the process we are walking at Desteni, to reveal to ourselves our own limitations stemming from fear within our own minds, which we are in the process of equalizing ourselves to through walking the Desteni I Process and the material available at Eqafe, which is the type of Psychology that no one has ever in the history of human civilization been able to explain to the T as the information through/ by the Desteni Portal is walking on a daily basis for over 6 years now.

 

An amazing step-by-step explanation of the Quantum Mind has been recently launched at Eqafe, and I suggest you do invest in these series to learn how to slow down ourselves as our mind to begin identifying the actual reason/ starting point of our every word, every deed, every movement that we have simply taken for granted within this accepted and allowed ‘experience’ that we have believed ourselves to be as the mind.

Time to take Self Responsibility for the damage we’ve done to ourselves within and as the possession of ourselves as a mind that thinks.

Consciousness is Not Physical

‘Consciousness is Not Physical’ – 2007

Anu’s lessons on Control:

 

 

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91. Jocose

n    adjective formal playful or humorous.

Eliciting or intended to elicit amusement and laughter

 

I can see that being witty/ jocose has been valued within me as a ‘positive feature’ wherein I am in essence not fully here expressing in the moment at times, but simply pulling out jokes in order to cause laughter in others – and within doing so, being able to feel ‘good’ for that or ‘at ease’ in moments of perceived ‘pressure.’ I had walked this point a long time ago and had come to the conclusion that I would simply allow myself to express in the moment within the realization that it is not to ‘cause something to someone’ – however the automation of it is what must be considered, as well as how I tend to shift from witty to the polar-opposite which is sober, solemn.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as a jocose/ witty person that is able to pull out jokes with ease and use this point as an apparent ‘natural expression’ – yet the moment that I think, it is an indication that it is not natural hence it is part of the entire design of ‘who I am’ as a personality that is able to cause laughter and a sense of ‘comfort’ through jokes and humor –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop every time that I have this lightning bolt desire to express something that can be ‘funny’/ be laughed at in order to create a point of enjoyment/ momentary happiness in others which means that the starting point is not the expression in the moment but stems from this energetic experience that I follow through, which means that I am not being absolutely self directive at all times.

 

When and as I experience the lightning bolt as a desire to ‘tell a joke’ or play with words in a witty manner, I stop and I breathe – I ensure that if I am going to share myself, it is not from the starting point of pursuing to create an experience in others, but simply express in the moments if and when I am here as breath. Otherwise it turns into a game that must be ‘kept up’ for the sake of causing a positive experience within me and others.

 

From Anu:

“QUESTION: What’s your perspective on been funny and making jokes etc. I have a tendency to do all that.

PERSPECTIVE: This one can investigate for oneself, in self honesty within the following questions: “does making jokes make me feel better about myself when I see others laugh/have fun” / “am I making jokes because I’m nervous and do not trust me to have a one-on-one direct communication with others” / “are there any intensions within/behind the making of jokes, or does it just come up within the context of the moment, people and environment and it is a sharing of me as I enjoyed the joke?” See, if joking is a sharing of self – then cool, but most of the time jokes are used to cover up fear/anxiety/stress when in social situations/interaction and then use jokes as a scapegoat to relax the reactions, which then becomes a cover up in not investigating why self had become dependent on jokes to interact with people instead of direct one-on-one communication. Then also the separation of telling jokes for others to laugh for self to ‘feel good’, then jokes become a deliberate point of self-interest/mind energy vampirism in a way, cause you get energy in your mind when other’s laugh. So, when jokes are told within the context of a situation/environment/people and it’s simply a moment of sharing and you LAUGH TOGETHER, laugh with yourself – then cool.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use witty jokes as a way to cause laughter in another, which is in essence laughing at knowledge and information that we can relate to according to a specific context that not everyone would understand, which means that jokes also turn into an egotistical way of sharing yourself only with those that would ‘get the joke.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my desire to say a joke just because it’s ‘of no harm to make others laugh’ though, within the starting point of ‘wanting to make others laugh’ I am in fact playing a character and not being here as breath sharing myself in the moment in order to laugh about myself with others unconditionally, but it is instigated by a desire to ‘affect others in a positive way’ and within that, feeling good about myself for doing so.

When and as I see myself wanting to make a joke based on having a momentary experience of positivity and fulfillment when realizing that others can laugh about what I say, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is in separation of myself and not self-expression in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever make jokes when I do not trust me to have a one o one direct communication with others and I use jokes as a way to ‘break the ice’ from what I perceive is a ‘tough person to communicate with,’ wherein jokes are then used as a way to cope with the moment instead of simply remaining here, breathing and directing myself to communicate without having to resort to jokes for it.

When and as I see myself making jokes out of wanting to ‘break the ice’ with a particular person based on how I have assessed them in my mind as someone ‘tough’ to communicate with, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I do not have to communicate based on how the other person presents themselves toward me, but that I can instead communicate in common sense in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn from my family how to ‘get along’ with people with more ease when making jokes, without realizing that this is simply because of me reacting to the person as being tense, tough or too serious to communicate with, wherein I use jokes in a deliberate manner to ‘soothe’ the reactions and cover up an actual experience of anxiety and distress when facing such points of communication.

When and as I see myself reacting to another based on how I have assessed them as being tough, too serious or too aloof to establish a communication with and wanting to pull out a joke in order to ‘break the ice,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I do not require another to laugh to a joke in order to establish communication and that any perception I hold toward another being is a mind assessment based on ‘who I am as my own character’ wherein the moment I stop playing out my character = I am able to stand one and equal to the moment and communicate openly without needing any ‘aid’ of jokes to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on making jokes with people so as to ‘water down’ any perceived idea I believe others have of me as being ‘too sober/ too serious/ too bitchy’ – wherein I then present myself as a ‘relaxed, outgoing person’ using jokes as a way to demonstrate that ‘I am not serious’ – within this establishing also a judgment toward ‘seriousness’ as a character that I then act according to playing out the opposite of it.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I must pull out a joke in order to interact with another that I believe had an idea of me as being too serious/ sober/ too tight, I stop and I breathe – I realize that expression in the moment does not hold any memory or judgment as starting point. Thus I continue supporting myself to remain here as breath and communicate in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to tell jokes from the blatant starting point of getting a positive kick out of it, wherein I would prepare the joke in my mind, assess the moment to ‘pull it out’ as a ‘great point’ that I knew others would react with jubilee and laughter, which then in return would make me feel very good as if I had done my ‘job of the day’ to make another laugh.

When and as I see myself believing that making another laugh makes me feel good in return, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just another form of mind vampirism, wherein I am in fact seeing to feel good at the expense of seeing others laugh.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that making another laugh is a gift for myself as well, without realizing that in making something ‘more’ than what It is in the moment is then indicating I am making the moment ‘more’ than myself and another, wherein I then archive that memory as ‘important’ which is an indication that I placed value/ worth to such split moment of a day to regard it as ‘special’ because I made another laugh and have a good time.

When and as I see myself feeling ‘good’ because I apparently made another laugh and feel ‘good’ for a moment, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am separating such moment of expression with another in order to make it ‘more’ than ourselves in the expression of the moment, and within that, valued it as ‘more than myself’ wherein it becomes a ‘memory to remember,’ without realizing that in such moment I immediately separate myself from Here as self expression.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to share myself in the moment, without premeditating in which moment I can make a joke or scheming how I precisely want people to react to and future projecting an entire moment just to satisfy that experience of positivity within me for making others feel good, without realizing that as such I am only seeking my self-interest as the positive experience reward of making others have a ‘good time.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another’s laughter as my point of instant gratification wherein I experience a sense of fulfillment for making another apparently ‘happy’ for a moment. ‘

 

I realize that I am able to share myself in the moment without preparing an expression in order to cause an experience in another – within this, it is to realize that I can communicate as one and equal to others in the moment and that if a point of laughter emerges wherein we can all laugh together = cool.

 

I commit myself to be here as breath in every moment I find myself interacting with others wherein I stop my mind from wanting to pull out a joke or say something to ‘break the ice,’ as I see and realize that I can instead communicate unconditionally and as such, establish a self-honest starting point in every moment that I speak/ communicate with others.

 

The point of expression is here as breath, without an intention to/ toward something or causing an experience in another, but as a mere extension of our ability to communicate wherein our own realizations can be ‘fun’ at times without making it an actual ‘joke’ –

 

Jocose sounds like jo/yo= ‘I’ in Spanish and cause  – hence I realize that I am the cause and effect of my words and within that, I consider expression as a beginning and end with and as me in every moment.

 

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Breathe and realize that we do not require to be characters in order to appreciate each other’s unconditional expression.

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A key interview to see how we have always been looking for money and energy, without ever daring to see reality. Are the lives of the rich real? Is Happiness then real if near to 3/4 of the world are without proper financial support to live?

Time to Wake Up


Creative Writing: Morning in a Process of Self-Honesty World

 

You take a cab to go to work. You see how the usual stress of the city is now surrounded by a strange atmosphere of passivity wherein you can only hear a car horn here and there, like asphyxiated claims that are immediately self forgiven, the drivers have finally understood that causing noise only makes things worse. You put your hand on your mouth as you recall that you’d usually lit a cigarette in moments of distress like this. You rather breathe through the cravings and stop the usual complains to get one right away.

 

This time you decide to strike a little conversation with the driver while daring to ask directly ‘what are you working with’ and interjecting onto his personal process and his latest realizations within his writings. The Taxi driver shows you how he uses his cell phone to take notes and writes further notes on a notebook that his wife gave to him the day that their divorce was self-forgiven, they decided to rather work with themselves instead of bombarding each other with guilt and projected blame.  There’s a picture of his family on the cover of the handmade notebook that he places back beneath his seat as he grins with a sense of satisfaction about his reconciliation. And you can’t help but see how you experience a warm fuzzy desire to have such a ‘happy family’ as well – but you understand that you haven’t even gotten yourself out of the daily misuse of your mind while continuing indulging in fantasies, eternal self-loathing backchat that you project onto your boss while seeking for the next great ‘hype’ to come into your life in the shape of two perfect legs on high-heels.

 

You breathe to step out of the daydream and in that moment, you expose the actual experience you just created within your mind to the taxi driver, and you dare to express out loud: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having such a family, without realizing that this is stemming from my inability to first focus on my own self-agreement wherein I must first stop any desire to create a relationships with another being if I haven’t yet sorted out my self-relationship first.  Taxi driver smiles back at you through the rearview mirror and you go into yet another experience thinking ‘Is he mocking me?‘ However he knows that you thought that, and clarifies ‘I am grinning at the bogey hanging from your left nostril, actually’ – and so you suddenly nervously rush to pick it up with the piece of napkin you are always obsessively clinging on to in your left hand, somehow you always fear this happens to you, never realizing how you created such fear in the first place. You feel like someone’s got control over the situation, then realize it’s your own control issues in the desire to be perfect all the time that keep you bound to these nonsensical inner conversations – step out of it because you see that you’ve arrived to your work place. You let him know that you’ve arrived while still feeling the blush cooling down as you rush to step out of the cab. Breathe, you’re only a few steps away from the place – no need to rush.

 

Workplace: 17th floor tower in the upper east side of the city. You make the religious stop to the only ‘decent’ coffee shop there is available across the street. You glance at a woman that has decidedly made you realize that she is watching you as you pick up pace and enter with a sense of flair to the coffee shop after her.  She breaks the spell by turning back and saying: ‘I’m not flirting with you, if that’s what you thought, I am actually working through these obsessive patterns I’ve developed to always flirt with strangers – I apologize… I’m working with it’ – She seemed rather honest about her words, she only smirked twice at you in a condescending way while saying that – that’s fair. You strain your face in means of regret for it all being yet another trick in your mind to have you react without being actually Here while doing so. You remember how it was a lot ‘easier’ to create these type of random fantasies with strangers when you didn’t have to be self honest about your imagination and inner experiences in the moment; you know that such ‘randomness’ would serve as a trigger point to your daily – and obsessive – masturbation habit. Yes, you’ve had to work with it to see how all your frustration and apparent inability to cope with stress is actually thoughts that you can work with, instead of trying to clear the entire build up through a little stroke of luck to then fall into the same pit of stagnation within your own mind.

 

In that moment you bring yourself back here to realize that you froze for a moment as it is still a bit ‘unusual’ to get such frankness from any given stranger at a coffee shop.

 

You go to the counter and look up to see the menu wherein you allow yourself to always ‘ponder’ what you want, yet always choosing the exact same drink. This time you explore something else other than the regular triple espresso with a full milk shot. As you wait for the cashier to come back to the front, you read the ‘Self Forgiveness of the day’ on the blackboard along with the special mixes of the day, and realize that it is way better than reading phony ‘have a good day’ wishes or fortune cookies for that matter– this time it is actually something that relates to you: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so irritated at the sight of a self-honest world, because I still want my ability to throw tantrums and be constantly mad at everyone – you read the tags on the electronic board that is making sure people get to read the same statement in coffee shops around the world – just as you are – and share their own insights about it.

 

The cashier gets back to the counter. You ask for your next big hit, a dark roast Italian with a bit of milk because you have come to the conclusion that you must stop being an addict to overloaded coffee and sugar. You stare at the cashier as you hand him your card while asking if there is something going on today? He takes a deep breath in the moment, looks up as to recover the sense that he’s ‘here’ and working and shares how he’s just having a rough time having to let go of the death of his father. He then proceeds to forgive himself for having accepted and allowed himself to be so stressed out and rather concerned about his mother now being alone and having no place to stay now that the pension is gone. You look at him in the eyes and let him know that for now, there are no risks to take, that if he doesn’t have enough money he must take his mother to a social security retirement house until we are able to establish an Equal Money System wherein no worries about money will ever create such distress within him or his mother. e He seems to find some clarity and comfort with your words, he understands that the events we are facing are the outflows of having lived entire cycles as humanity in absolute oblivion of what life is, and placing unbearable price tags on it.

He apologizes for the entire ‘stressfully awkward moment,’ however you realize that he could have been you, in the exact same position, actually it is you in fact – you let him know that it is cool that he opened up right there in the moment and forgave himself, for that is the only way to take responsibility for our own shit and not allow such mental storms to tamper our effectiveness during our everyday work, but instead focusing on how to stop all reactions. You are even amazed at how you were able to pull out such an eloquent stream of words that were actually supportive for another. He seemed to be more stable as he goes to the back to prepare your drink.

 

 

You turn around and look at the people in a regular every-day morning coffee session with work colleagues, sharing their tablets filled with self forgiveness statements that each one reads as if it was Every day’s Times paper – at least there’s no more ‘opening bell’ to praise and pray to for better days. Somehow you still see yourself out of that loop, you still fear to open up about the gnawing insecurity you experience every time you have to speak in public, or even when having to present your latest project to a boss that is sorting out his anger management issues and using you as a testing ground for it. You see the ridiculousness of having to increment your confidence as you speak to him, because of the fact that there is no one you have to ‘convince’ or blackmail here as people are now considering investing in projects that are sustainable and long-term solutions for the betterment of humanity. Yes, dealing with engineering water purifying plants was so extensively disregarded and deliberately neglected in the past that you still wonder how you made it into a future where these projects started getting more attention and budget, of course. You then see how futile it is to be stressed about it as you’ve got a monthly income grant which keeps you and everyone else off the old surviving-payroll. You breathe as you take your freshly brewed Italian cappuccino and decide to mingle around others and decide to strike a conversation now that you don’t have to be at 9 am sharp at work, but can take a moment to enjoy the coffee without death-threatening consequences.

 

You decide to talk to the Self-Forgiving flirtatious woman that had let you know how you were just a nice mirror for her own old-patterned issues. Somehow that made you still flattered about the entire situation and becomes a trigger point to break the ice with saying how you have just uploaded a blog recently wherein the ‘being intimidated by flirtatious women’ point was opened up. She looks up at you and smiles back, she grabs her cup back and sips the black coffee inviting you to read the lines that she has just written out of the recent event with you, wherein a memory of a very similar event in her past popped up. It was written out through statements of self forgiveness that the woman read out loud in order to establish an uncanny vulnerability in the moment, which you still find yourself internally cringing about and becoming distrustful as you start wondering ‘why’ is she even sharing that with you, but you bring yourself back here to see how you should simply dare to do the same sometime. You find this woman attractive for her assertiveness and openness to share her ‘intimate world’ – yet realize that all fantasies that would usually ensue from here stop there, you have work to do, you can only continue seeking for some panties to follow as long as you don’t sort out your inner obsessive delusions about finding a sense of ‘fulfillment’ outside of yourself. You’ve got to let go of it all for now, and get back to the real world.

 

You decide to leave your blog link to her, letting her know that you’ll also be writing out the inner experience about the entire event and thank her for also being a cool mirror to reflect upon. She strikes a smile after going through an almost imperceptible refraction of unconditional expression – you know it’s tough to, for the first time, allow your teeth to show now that you know that the other can’t be judging you about it.

 

You grab your bag and leave the coffee shop not before saying to the cashier ‘Hey man, that was a cool shot and… breathe’ with a gesture in your face that shows real compassion, because you truly mean it.

 

Now you head up across the street to the 17th floor tower that you occupy right at the middle of, and as you go into the elevator you switch into your mind and go into a quick reflection on the events and how you would have experienced the entire sequence of events in the past. You remembered about how women were an absolute mystery that you could only fantasize daring to talk to. You could have simply been in a bad mood and yelled at the taxi driver for being ‘such a slow jackass’ while lighting up cigarette after cigarette and blamed the cashier for exposing having ‘emotional unsorted issues’ while making you wait for an extended period of time to make your regular triple espresso with one milk shot, then making you feel usually miserable for how subservient he would stare back at you when realizing it was not fair having such a bossy costumer early on in the day. You  remember the absolute stress you had while boiling the same old hatred toward the expectation of dealing with your boss that would usually end up spitting the ball of fire back at you.

 

All of that is gone. You breathe out of the memory and arrive to your office, you log onto your computer to catch up reading the blogs around the world and sharing yours. Somehow even if the world system is crumbling apart like a cookie on hot coffee, you see that people are truly creating a sense of neighborism around the globe that has been absolutely far more shocking and unexpected than any other utopian dream of your youth. You are still holding on to ‘the old you’ by one single thread that you are about to cut off if you are able to implement a new water system that will enable people from places like Haiti or Somalia to benefit from their coast lines, and provide potable water for all. Somehow your inner world of anxiety, despair, devious fantasies and absolute self-loathing stops for a moment as you realize that if it wasn’t for you being here, such system would not have been able to exist.

 

You sip your now cooled down coffee and as you unwrap the wooden mixer, you realize that the napkin had a note on it: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of letting you know that you have a bogey hanging from your left nostril. I’ll make sure I let you know next time – thanks for the advice. Pat.

 

You experience an immediate rush of blood to your face, then you breathe and eventually laugh out loud about it and realize the dimensional shift that went on in the cab while still backchatting about your fantasies and rushing to step out of the cab. The woman had seen it on your face the whole time, yet she didn’t seem perplexed or put off by it– it shocks you for a moment while actually considering how the usual embarrassment is not as prominent as it was before. That’s progress.

Anyways, back to work, you’ve got an entire machinery to place on the move in this world – your daydreaming can be put on hold. You remind yourself that for now, you cannot be following that which you like to be your driving force, but stick to what must be done in the name of a better world for all.

Somehow the cup seems to not be half empty anymore.

 

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Further context

The writing came up when creating a hypothetical moment in 7 years of having established Self-Forgiveness and Self-Honesty as a daily regular application for the majority of people in this world. Everyone being aware of the tools of Self-Support through writing themselves to freedom, and actually living and applying it in an open manner with each other. This means that the capitalist system was still in place, however a Basic Income Grant would have managed to get people out of the debt-loop as banks and corporations slowly but surely start adapting to a new system of income through redistributing it back to health care and educational systems.  Everyone would be aware of each one’s ‘points’ that are being walked in their individual processes so that no matter who you talk to or encounter yourself interacting with, they would be able to openly share and get feedback – or at least open communication – without any fear that your ‘secret mind’ could be exposed with strangers.

Human beings start becoming really compassionate to one another now that the ties that money would bound each other to hierarchical strains are being slowly but surely equalized to a best-for-all economic model.

A sci-fi story? No, a future in the making I’d say.

Check out

Desteni

Desteni Forum 

and the Equal Money System website to realize that we are in fact able to create a world wherein we reform the current system of debt and control that we have enslaved each other to in our reality.

 

Supportive reading:

Day 7: Letting Go of Regret

 


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