The Control-freak as a little girl – A follow up to the previous posts on ‘The Loner’ Character
One of the first memories I can recall of wanting to be ‘left alone’ and essentially reacting in self-seclusion just to not have to play games with kids my age. I was probably like 4 or 5 years old when this would take place as I was not even able to speak entirely correctly, probably even 3 years old for that matter. And so, a memory is being at my house in a social reunion/ family reunion and fearing that my mother would call me to play with unknown kids my age. I simply would recoil with the single thought of having to play something with them – my mother told me how I would only like ‘playing’ if it was about dancing or singing, but I simply didn’t like ‘playing’ as that would involve being ‘too messy’ and dealing with ‘sharing my toys’ which is something that I would guard like a treasury officer.
So, I would in essence create a tantrum just to not have to play with kids, thrown a tantrum toward my mother for being ‘obliged’ to play with them – apparently- only to later on realize that I could actually have a cool time with them once I’d get past my defense mode. It was all merely me being a picky obnoxious person, snotty little girl really – lol – I’ve often said how I would not ‘bear my ass’ if I could face myself as a child, I was rather princess like wherein nothing could spoil my party and I’d cry if I wanted to.
Here’s the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements wherein I take responsibility for a memory wherein I had victimized myself and blamed everyone else for my apparent inability to ‘interact’ with others, when in fact, I was simply defending my personal interests to evolve and remain as the ‘loner’ character in absolute control of myself and my environment – apparently – which is a subcharacter existent within ‘The Loner’ as a defense mechanism to not have to interact with others in Equality.
Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements:
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being pushed/ forced to interact with other kids when I was a child simply because they were my age, wherein I would get anxious and fearful of my mother forcing me/ asking me to ‘play with them,’ which I would fear because that would mean that if I didn’t play with them, I would be exposed with everyone about me not wanting to play with other kids – hence being judged as a hermit/ antisocial or plain spoiled kid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mostly fear that my mother would want to ‘pair me up’ with another male kid in order for me to develop a sense of relationship toward the opposite sex, which is how I would perceive that every time my mother wanted me to interact with others, it was intended within the forced desire of me ‘making friends’ and or getting a ‘male friend’ in order for me to develop that sense of opposite sex interactions at a younger age.
I realize that this was in fact all in my mind and that’s why I created a fear to interact with others, simply because of being forced to establish relationships with them.
When and as I see myself fearing to interact with other beings based on spotting that they are ‘the same age as me’ in a social-event/ situation and fearing having to interact with, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am reacting based on memory instead of me simply being here in the moment, without assessing people as potential beings I’ll be ‘talking to’ due to being similar/ same-age, which is just part of how I conditioned myself to believe that ‘the world revolved around me’ and that I had to socialize with beings in order to be/ seem acceptable within a particular social context.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed and/or scolded for not wanting to socialize/ interact with other kids, wherein I feared that everyone would know that I simply had gone upstairs to my room so that I would not have to interact with other kids – thus I realize that I was mostly fearing being exposed to others about my real antisocial nature, which evolved when I believed that I had to interact with every kid in every social environment, otherwise I would be scolded or treated as a anti social being
When and as I see myself fearing to be judged as antisocial for not interacting with other beings, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can interact and open up communication in any given moment with anyone in such particular social interactions, as I see and realize that there is no need to define or limit myself to only talk to a particular type of people, nor do we require to have ‘things in common’ or be of the same age in order to communicate.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear of interacting with people/ kids that I do not ‘know of’ wherein I fear having someone pushing me to interact with them in a forceful manner and upon threats.
When and as I see myself fearing interacting with others based on having eventually being pushed by someone else to do so, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is not a ‘must do’ that I must always interact and speak with others in social events, however I can also allow myself to communicate openly if the opportunity does arrive to be able to communicate with another, wherein I allow myself to breathe and hear and talk back as a way to expand myself and walk past all limitations to not do so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety whenever I was expecting my mother to come and scold me for not socializing with people, which is how I developed an actual fear to face myself in social contexts such as family reunions/ parties wherein I felt that I had to socialize with other kids no matter what, and that if I would not manage to do so, I would be judged and scolded by my mother for that.
When and as I see myself becoming anxious, worried and fearful for not socializing with other beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this only comes from the idea of me not being as ‘sociable’ as others beings in my family that I have defined as sociable and charismatic, wherein the role that I played was that of not being ‘as sociable’ as my sisters or parents, which is just a pattern that I played out in order to keep my ‘little world’ intact’ – Thus I allow myself to talk, interact and communicate with others whenever I see myself simply wanting to communicate and express in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘my mother’ the ogre within the memory, without realizing that I am in fact only creating an antagonist to blame others for my own accepted and allowed self-creation and experience, which was primarily based in not wanting other kids to disrupt my ‘little perfect world’ of my toys, my room and as such, essentially fearing beings coming and spoiling my perfect surroundings in my room and as such simply not wanting to interact with them because of not wanting to share my toys/ stuff with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within my own memories to always have something or someone to blame instead of taking self responsibility for my own creation.
When and as I see myself trying to blame others for my own experiences of being antisocial and not wanting to share myself with others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘blaming’ is easier than taking self-responsibility for what I have become as a ‘less sociable person,’ thus I direct myself to take responsibility for myself to correct the patterns of being apparently ‘anti-social’ and fearing people spoiling my perfect little world, as I realize that this is in essence my own ‘possessive’ character wherein I want to reign and rule over what is mine, and not having it being disturbed by anything or anyone.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a child only enjoy activities with other kids that didn’t involve having to play with toys with others, but only sing or dance as a point of expression. I realize that I would enjoy that simply because I knew that I could be ‘the star’ of the game and others could simply do the same without having to fight over toys or ‘making a mess’ of a particular space.
I realize that I have enjoyed doing that which I am ‘good at’ which in this case was only dancing or singing, and any other game that involved having to work together with kids and interact in a more one on one bass, I simply disregarded and ignored because I did not want to have to share my stuff with others.
When and as I see myself disliking having someone in my ‘room’ or area wanting to interact and socialize and seeing myself watching their every step to ensure that they don’t spoil the place, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am wanting to control their every move in what I deem as ‘my territory’ wherein I essentially fear my stuff being messed up by others and within this, losing my perfect-order as part of my self-religion wherein everything is exactly and precisely ‘to the T’ always neat and ‘in its right place’ – Thus I direct myself to breathe through watching another’s move and remain here as the physical reality wherein I allow myself and another to interact without having backchat about desires to order and control another’s moves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and anxiety to my mother scolding me for not being sociable enough which I cannot even remember if it was really so as in my mind, I have made myself a victim of this entire situation when in fact, I was in fact a selfish-girl that didn’t really want to share her toys and herself with other kids, thus I realize that I have victimized myself in my mind as apparently not knowing ‘why I was so antisocial’ and so fearful of interacting with other kids, without realizing that I was in fact only protecting my own desires to control and have everything be intact and never spoiled or interrupted by other beings such as having other kids using my stuff and interacting with me in ‘my space.’
I realize that what I was in fact securing was only my desire to remain ‘at peace’ as in having everything intact without anyone spoiling my little perfect world.
When and as I see myself trying to victimize myself within an apparent inability to know ‘why’ I dislike interacting with other beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am accessing a defense mechanism wherein actual selfishness, desires to control and manipulate others to only behave the way that I want them to be and behave exist. Thus I allow myself to breathe through my interaction with another in ‘my space’ and realize that any attempt to control their moves is me acting out of the ‘loner’ character that doesn’t want anything to be spoiled in their space.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only keep the memories in my mind wherein I would only remember being scolded by my mother for not socializing with other kids, while in fact even my mother would fear suggesting me to play with others simply because of how irritable I was as a child wherein I would immediately deny any moment of interaction with others in order to remain secluded in my perfect little bubble.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to end up crying by my own self created friction toward playing/ interacting with others based on my desire to have everything ‘intact’ within my world, wherein the sole idea of having to share myself with another, share my toys and space meant a disturbance to my ‘perfect little bubble’ wherein anyone would mean a disruption to ‘my space,’ within this only having used a conflict toward another as in projecting blame and believing that I was being forced to socialize with others, when in fact I was only being pushed to walk through my own reluctant behavior to interact with others.
When and as I see myself reacting in anger, anxiety or any other fear whenever I see that I am in a situation wherein I am bound to share ‘my space’ with others, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to walk the moment of sharing my space, my stuff with others without reacting to their moves and actions within our common space as I see and realize that I cannot control or manipulate other’s actions to only suit my personal needs and ideas of how they are supposed to interact with me and in ‘my environment’ which is absolutely possessive and control-based stemming from the actual fear of ‘losing’ my space.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others’ judgments upon me not wanting to socialize with other kids, wherein I then add more anxiety and fear because of realizing that people will consider me as antisocial, which is something that I feared because I wanted to be liked and accepted by others – thus I realize that I created a fear of being judged by my own patterns and habits that I knew were not acceptable, yet I wanted to remain having this ‘halo’ around me while actually being rather selfish and wanting to control my environment.
When and as I see myself wanting to control people’s reactions I stop and I breathe, I realize that in this I want to be acceptable by others yet at the same time remain within my ‘safe bounds’ as limitations to keep and maintain my main character as ‘the loner’ in place, wherein anyone and anything that gets ‘too close’ to me or my environment I simply push away. Thus I direct myself to interact, share and expand myself in my environment with others to ensure that I am not protecting my main character in place and instead expand to share, talk, chat, interact in physicality with others, breathing through every moment wherein I see my mind wants to ‘jump out of the window,’ I support myself to remain here stable as breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into crying due to my own desires to remain alone and have everything ‘under control’ in my reality which is how I remember talking myself into fear and anxiety out of having people now being aware of me not wanting to play with them, which is the same point of not wanting others to see me as anti-social or simply not wanting to be with them, as I still wanted to be seen with ‘good eyes’ by others, yet I knew that I was in fact really selfish because of not wanting to share myself with others.
When and as I see myself manipulating myself into creating a conflict out of having to interact with others or do something that apparently ‘disturbs’ my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only creating further conflict within my mind based on my own desires to remain ‘intact’ – thus I allow myself to remain here as breath whenever I have an opportunity to interact with others and allow myself to breathe through any reactions to stop doing so – I support myself to learn how to share myself in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about others’ reactions when they get to know that I didn’t want to play with them, which is just me creating further conflict upon my self-created limitation, thus I realize that whenever I ‘feel bad’ for doing something I end up making a decision to comply to do something but not as a self-directive action but actually once again out of fear of making them feel like I despised them, which I didn’t want obviously.
When and as I see myself doing something out of fearing another’s reactions upon my own actions of seclusion and introversion, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is unnecessary to create such a reactive loop if I simply allow myself to interact and be open to share ‘my space’ with others in any given moment without thinking that I don’t want them to touch this or that or just waiting for them to leave.
I support myself to stop the possessive character that I’ve live by and as when wanting to control my environment and other’s reactions upon my own imposition of ‘rules of conviviality’ wherein I would essentially restrict people from touching my stuff. I allow myself to break through my controller mind-possession demon and instead remain here as breath as I share my space not only with humans but with animals alike.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always focus on the restrictions and limitations as the immediate thoughts of ‘not wanting to work with others/ not wanting to play with others’ instead of actually realizing that this is just a mind-limitation to keep my main character as the ‘loner’ intact, wherein everything and everyone that is essentially an opportunity to debunk this pattern I see as a threat – thus I realize that it is a decision that I must make in order to see how I can in fact enjoy expressing and sharing myself with others once that I get past the initial habitual patterns of defense, control and self-limitations out of fears of having my little world ‘interrupted’ and ‘disturbed’ by the mere presence of others.
When and as I see myself denying to myself the ability to share a moment and interact with others, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to see how this is an actual opportunity for self expansion, communication and walking-through resistances to actually have a cool time while sharing and interacting with others in a moment, wherein I support myself to be here as breath moment by moment, not future projecting into wanting the moment to be over or them being ‘out of my sight’ again to remain alone, but instead actually allowing myself to enjoy the presence and ability to communicate and share myself with another/others in my reality.
I commit myself to stop playing out the control-freak as the subcharacter of the loner as the loner is alone because it doesn’t want any form of ‘disturbance’ around that can potentially break-through the controlling patterns – thus I see and realize how the control-freak is the key point as the main fear that I held in order to not have to interact with others, to not have my main character disrupted and threatened with a potential realization of actually enjoying being with beings and communicating, sharing, interacting in equality.
this will continue…
Blogs:
Fascinating series to Hear and understand who we are and how we came to be in relation to the animal kingdom as well as learning about this fascinating animal, The Owl:
MarlenLife's Blog 