Tag Archives: realization

195. The Righteousness of Evil

 

“And I questioned myself many times why it was like me wanting to simply ‘let go’ of such nagging experience, without realizing that it won’t just be ‘gone’ by me kind of only ‘thinking’ about it and coming to realizations like ‘oh yes, it’s the evil in me’ and turn around and keep going with my ‘life.’ Of course it cannot work like that, that’s precisely how we have lived as humanity, just wanting to brush-off, neglect and hide the actuality of our inner experience.”

 

Continuation to 194. Let the Mask Fall!

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to every time that I would get into an experience of discomfort and general uneasiness within myself to not further investigate within me what was it that I was experiencing, but only brush it aside, believe it would ‘go away’ with time, thinking that I simply had to just breathe through it and not look as myself, my own creation, my own reflection– which is another way of simply trying to cover up my actual experience by creating another ‘state of being,’ which would compensate the inherent inner experience of there being something ‘nagging’ within me that I apparently could not ‘define,’ with a positive experience as righteousness.

I realize that I did this without realizing that it was in fact the beingness of myself that was not being looked at in fact as the actual thoughts, backchat and internal conversations that I would righteously believe were ‘right’ and a proper ‘assessment’ of reality, never ever considering how everything that I was thinking and creating an experience about, was never about the environment but it was always about myself only.

 

When and as I see myself going into this ‘nagging/ discomfort’ within myself in my every day living – no matter where or with whom – I stop and I breathe – I realize that there is Something going on that Must Not be just ignored, as it is actually an indication that I’ve been thinking about something and not wanting to look at it, as that would mean actually facing the reality of myself as the thoughts, ideas, projections that I usually participate in, but that I had righteously believed is ‘proper’ and ‘acceptable’ for me to just ‘let be’ and continue going. I realize that All thoughts, All backchat, All experience that I might initially see as ‘indefinable’ actually has a beginning/ a starting point Within/ As Me that I must work with within myself to actually face the reality that I’ve become, instead of wanting to brush it off/ leave it for later and believe it is Not-important, while it is in fact in those seemingly ‘unimportant moments’ that the key to get to know the exact detail of myself really resides in.

 

I commit myself to stop brushing aside, leaving for later the immediate self-investigation through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application about an inner experience that I have generally defined as ‘nagging/ bothering’ which has remained undefined due to me not having deliberately worked with such experiences as an active part of my process out of Fearing seeing the reality of myself, but only believe that it will go away eventually by simply ‘not participating’ – I realize that One cannot just ‘not participate’ in it and believe it will go away, but see that if it is Here and coming up within me as an energetic experience – no matter how slight it may be – it is still indicating a point that I have to look at.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately diminish the actual inner experience that I termed as just ‘undefined/ bothering/ nagging’ experience as this ‘something’ that would eventually go a way and within this diminishment, creating further separation to see myself As that experience, because of the fear of looking at myself As such thoughts, experiences and assessments, without realizing how it is time to start digging into the ‘hidden corridors and dark places’ as I was suggested to do years ago in order to no longer be bound to a barrier that I’ve created toward what I see within myself and what I see ‘toward others’ as separate from me. Thus it is to realize that everything that I have held as a limitation toward Life in Equality as Evil, as the reverse of life – which includes morals, beliefs, ideas, preferences, judgments, backchat toward ‘others’ and reality as a whole – is what I have to take back to self, in order to stop projecting a point of separation through an assessment in my mind instead of taking responsibility for myself As it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an identity of ‘righteousness’ within my mind assessments wherein within allowing such experiences, backchat and ‘views’ upon reality became a way to also ‘slip in’ points of personality and the self religion that are the threads that are still binding me to that single aspect of myself that is not yet standing as an equal and one part that I have walked through a process of self forgiveness and self corrective application – thus in essence, still keeping some ‘Evil’ as the reverse of life for the benefit of who I am as the mind, leaving it ‘untouched’ as if it had to be ‘there’ for the benefit of my own self-believed righteousness that cannot obviously make sense other than keeping me bound to a limited existence as the mind only and not being willing to stand in the face of the ‘opposite’ as myself as well.

 

When and as I see myself becoming righteous about what I am thinking and experiencing and believing that I can just ‘let it be’ for the moment and only later on end up forgetting it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the specificity with which I have to become aware of myself is now requiring me to not just ‘leave things for later/ aside’ whenever the least energetic experience is Here as an indication that there is a point to work with, which will be mostly regarding something that is still an aspect I have not dared to look within myself, because of having lived a life of constantly projecting/ assessing/ analyzing others without seeing how it all was in fact about myself.

 

I realize the nagging experience has been going through quick processes of assessing the moment as people, places, events, situation wherein I quickly ‘make up my mind’ about who I am within such experiences/ moments and within that, not allowing me to see that everything that I have in fact assessed is only revealing me to myself, as it cannot be ‘how things are’ when getting an experience out of it – thus it is to not look at it as separate from me, as this is the grave mistake that I’ve made and lived as the evil wherein I had washed my hands from ‘assessing’ reality, while neglecting the fact that I have to work with the point myself in order to then be aware of ‘who I am’ as such point, walk the correction and as such, be able to support myself and others equally not from the vantage point of simply judging, but identifying who am I within this assessment, what is my experience, walk the correction so that I can stand clear and self directive instead of reacting to my own suppressed patterns and projecting it onto others/ reality.

 

I realize that the most effective way to walk this process is always taking the points back to self in order to see if there is any experience coming up and within this, being willing to face Within Me that which I thought, believed or consider ‘does not exist in me,’ which is a defense mechanism of the mind in order to remain in a righteous position about myself in reality, which can only exist as ego.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this prefabricated/ default position of being ‘good/ right’ and always having the ‘right assessment’ over myself and reality wherein anything/ anyone that may contradict so would be assessed as them speaking of their own weakness, without realizing that such weakness and assessment to ‘win over’ the situation is in fact the aspects that stand as the evil that do not allow ourselves to get to an equal agreement of how to proceed/ work as equals in order to coexist within principles that are best for all, instead of creating further conflict and hidden judgment and accumulation of experiences Toward other beings, simply because of not allowing ourselves to let go of the righteousness that is indicating the ego of the mind of ‘always being right’ as opposed to walking in humbleness which means being willing to face ourselves as the actual evil-assessment/ backchat/ thoughts toward an event, person/ situation to in fact see what it is that we are still playing out as a character that always wants to win/ be right / get the most out of a situation, which is always the aspect that leads to an unequal result.

 

When and as I see myself being righteous about a position without taking the necessary moment to bring the point back to myself, place myself in the shoes of the person/ situation, realize who I am within it and how I can direct it to an equal and one outcome that will always result in what’s best for all.

 

I commit myself to realize that whenever I am making an assessment of my reality is an actual mirror of myself and what I am existing as, and as such, if this assessment contains an energetic experience/ possession about something or someone, it is indicating that I am not yet standing clear as one and equal to the point, but that I require to first look at myself as such assessment, walk the necessary self forgiveness in order to realize that the experience is not about the being/ situation/ event in itself, but it’s actually myself and an indication that I require to take responsibility for my reaction/ experience before allowing myself to make a decision on how to direct myself. Within this is to ensure that I take the necessary moment/ time for this, instead of wanting to immediately come up with a solution that is also part of the ego-rushing desire to do things right away/ immediately which leads to further time loops is there is not an ability yet to see directly in an equal and one consideration of the situation/ people/ event.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a constant denial of these ‘assessments’ made toward other beings being in fact only about myself and within this, believing that I had nothing to ‘do about it’ because it was apparently ‘not me’ – however, it is actually an indication of the self-righteousness that exist toward our identification with our thoughts/ experiences having a ‘right to exist’ instead of realizing that as long as I am taking a position that is only benefitting my own deliberate neglect to who I am as my mind, I am in fact not standing equal and one to my reality/ environment and require to take the point back to self, to ensure that I am actually seeing Myself first, correcting me first instead of immediately projecting it onto others to not do the process of self-correction myself, which is rather foolish when looking at it as is.

 

When and as I see myself denying seeing myself within every single thought and experience that I have projected onto others – I stop and I breathe – I realize that who I have become is nothing else but the accumulation of these thoughts and experiences that I have projected onto others in means of defending myself as my own mind from realizing that I am in fact all of which I think about ‘others’/ an external point and reality. Thus

 

I commit myself to see how as long as there are points that I am not immediately taking back to self to walk the process of self correction, the nagging experience will continue as it is the accumulation of me having brushed aside/ left for later/ deliberately neglected moments where the actual key to realizing who I am as the person/ environment/ situation exists as myself – this is within the understanding that as long as I hold a right/ wrong and good/bad position toward another, I am still reflecting the limited version of myself that is not yet fully standing equal and one as everything and everyone, no matter how ‘harsh’ or how ‘bad’ or how ‘evil’ it may seem, as it is precisely the harsh, evil, bad, negative, pessimistic aspect that I have projected and dissociated from myself in my mind so as to not have to take responsibility for it – thus I commit myself to take responsibility for every single thought, belief, idea of myself as being ‘right’ and ‘the good person’ at all times with the ‘right judgment’ which leads to a ego position that is not willing to look at ‘the bad/ negative/ pessimistic’ that I must ensure I walk as myself in order to not allow such judgments to stand in the way of becoming a point that is able to stand one and equal to all parts of reality without separation – and this is what it is to be facing the ‘Evil’ as ourselves, as I finally understand that as long as we keep the least idea, belief or perception of something/ someone being a single definition that stands in separation of ourselves as equals, I am part of the separation that maintains this entire world system as is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the righteousness that I’ve held has been in fact the evil aspect that has refrained me from standing one and equal as everything/ all here, because as long as I hold a value, judgment, belief and thought projected onto others believing that it is not about myself, the righteousness is preventing my own self-understanding/ seeing as one and equal – which indicates the reverse of Live as Evil that must be scrutinized as our own mind which actually allows me to see every moment what is it that I am separating myself from, as these are all indicated through the thoughts, experiences and reactions I hold toward others/ reality which is myself.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am not responsible for the thoughts that I have because of them being an ‘assessment’ upon others/ reality, I stop and I breathe  I realize that self responsibility for everything we do, say, speak must be absolute so that I can in fact stand as an equal and one part of myself – because as long as a single value, judgment, belief, thought, experience is created upon reality, it indicates that personality/  ego is still being the directive force and not self as the unconditional stance of the physicality that I  am.

 

I commit myself to take the necessary breaths and moment to ensure that whatever I voice/ think and do is standing as an expression of myself that I can stand as for eternity – and that my single belief of this being ‘too far fetched’ to say ‘eternity’ is actually a point of ego that I must also walk through in order to stand as the full authority that I’ve abdicated as part of the evil/ reverse of living that I have believed myself to be wherein I have been limiting my own Write-ousness to right myself as that which I am willing to be/ stand as life/what is here as myself, without the ‘nagging’ limitation of me being only ‘in a process’ and placing the point of self realization as some ‘future outcome’ instead of seeing it as myself, here, as  I breathe, one and equal. 

 

 

Now, this is  a general Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application with regards to who I have been as a particular character that would stand as righteous within the ‘good/ positive’ aspect, taking a vantage position within that in order to not have to face every single judgment I made upon others as myself. Thus, the next step and process is to the denial of the evil within my reality and how I would only ‘cope with it’ existing in actual fear to realize that exists as myself as well, also who I am toward the relationships that I formed as a point of attraction due to the separation that I was existing as toward my own ‘evil side’ myself, and as such creating an energetic relationship to it through people/ things/ habits/ places, etc.  in order for me to not have to face it as myself, but always remain on the ‘safe side’ of the observer that is mostly an egotistical position toward our reality, as we cannot claim we are not part of something that is already here as ourselves.

 

Thus, I’ll continue deconstructing the righteousness/ goodness personality in relation to the ‘evil’ projected onto others/ the world instead of seeing it directly first as myself and walking the self correction within it to finally stand as one and equal to all parts and all aspects of myself.

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168. Thoughts as Self-Created Resistance

Procrastination Character

Thought Dimension:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the thought of my professor’s office as as single point of fear and resistance toward me writing out my document, which is linked to the actual process that the written document must go through in relation to revisions and having to re-write things more than once, wherein the image of being at the office represents that point of approval or disapproval of it.

When and as I see myself having the thought of the office before writing and creating a resistance toward it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is just a fear point that I can simply breathe through, not participate in and continue doing.

I commit myself to not allow one single thought to determine my entire starting point within doing things and actually do it: place myself to writing the document.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually resist facing the professor and going to his office, simply because of it representing an actual confrontation of the revisions required and the commitment for me to do do this whichever time it takes, regardless of how many times it has to be ‘re-worked’ as I realize that nothing can be just ‘perfect’ in one go, which is the actual limitation that I see is existing as an obstacle for me to simply do this.

When and as I see myself using the thought of the office as a point of confrontation thus fear, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all of this is only happening at a mind level and that I am able and capable of directing myself to do this without any thought in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this future projection of fearing going to that office for a revision, I create an actual resistance in my mind wherein every time that I think of ‘getting this done,’ the thought of the office comes up as a ‘burden’ to face and within this another thought and/or imagination point activates with a positive experience such as doing something else first like any other daily task and ‘saving this writing for later,’ which is in fact me playing energetic games of placing a positive experience as ‘another task’ in front of the task that I am fully aware requires to be prioritized in my reality.

When and as I see myself creating the backchat upon the thought of the office/ school and thinking ‘I will do this later’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that the other tasks I am committing myself to are actually necessary as well and that I can divide and measure my time to get to all point within a schedule that I can stick to, so that I ensure I in fact get this one with the starting point of me as directive principle and not a thought that makes me react and only do that which I ‘want to do’ and within this

I commit myself to live by principle and not by thoughts and preferences.  And this is ‘the deal’ in itself within this dimension.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought of me writing out hours endlessly without realizing that this is absolutely just a character that is pretending that ‘I do not want to write,’ while I have proven to myself that writing is an absolute supportive point for ourselves to face ourselves and within academic purposes, to propose/ show and demonstrate that which we are here to communicate/ convey which in this case implies my own process and that there is absolutely no excuse to divide ‘process writings’ to any other writing that I have to do as part of who I am and my own expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a division within me, giving a positive value to writings done ‘for process’ and a negative value to writings done toward an activity that I have considered as pointless such as school/ academic purposes, without realizing that I have committed myself to do this and that shoving it away or trying to make it ‘less important’ or even ‘non important at all’ is me actually not wanting to do it and face a point of self-expansion, which is yes, ludicrous how in our minds we trap ourselves in our burden and energetic bubble of constricted ‘airwaves’ wherein we are not here breathing, but instead postponing being HERE because of all the mind burdens/ tasks/ points that we are constantly procrastinating to do.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within this self-creation process I have in fact proven to myself that I am deliberately creating a fucked up experience and absolute self sabotage every time that I give into Energy to create instead of Physically moving myself to DO things instead of future projecting, thinking and imagining all of the above mentioned points and aspects that I have charged with a negative resonance – within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately seek for a point of comfort and enjoyment and ‘feeling good’ or ‘better’ about myself with points of distraction such as surfing the net, reading the news, going out for a walk, fixing this or that around my room and house wherein such thoughts and imaginations emerge the moment that the initial negative thoughts such as having to confront my writings with an academic, having to spend ‘long hours writing’ become this negative experience that is quickly shifted in my mind toward a point that ‘I’d rather doe’ in order to satisfy my own existence within this ‘feeling better’ about myself by doing other tasks, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel better with doing and completing and satisfying ‘other tasks’ which I have defined as ‘enjoyable tasks,’ wherein I believe that I am being responsible for taking care of these tasks, however having then imposed these preferred tasks on top of this primary task that is an actual point of immediate action for me to take on, which means it is a priority in my world and that I have procrastinated for so long in this ‘waiting’ for – hell, nothing there is nothing to wait but ME just Doing it.

When and as I see myself rather doing other writings instead of the academic point I must write, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a disparity in values according to that which I like/ that which I don’t like and as such, diving myself to only do that which I enjoy doing and avoid that which I apparently don’t enjoy doing – thus I equalize my application toward my writings and not kid myself to only do that which I like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘wait’ for when I could apparently have the ‘right book’/ ‘the right information’ to do this, without realizing that I’ll be describing my experience and as such, there is no book that could possibly hold at this stage any of what I am here to share as my process of self-creation as it is a self-explanation of who I am as my own creator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my physical body to constantly be used up and consumed to charge up these thoughts and imagination every single day, wherein I have actually tortured myself instead of actually doing it. Within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonor myself, my physical body within this deliberate neglect toward the responsibilities at hand and within this having satisfied only the mind-reality of feeling good/ feeling satisfied with and while doing other tasks, while knowing and being perfectly aware that I have this other primary task at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually squander my breathing, my physical hereness, my unconditional support given by others in order for me to do this, and instead only focus on one aspect of my reality that makes me feel ‘good’ and that I ‘prefer doing’ while deliberately neglecting the other aspect that is the reason why I am being supported to live every single day at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of regret when looking back at all the time that’s gone by without me giving direction to this and within this thinking ‘what the fuck have I allowed?’ without realizing that all that is left here to do is simply Doing it and that there is no way to go back in time and ‘sort it out then,’ but instead have to ensure that I get this done as soon as I possibly can, as I am in fact even postponing my own plans due to this single point of resistance to finally get this written document done. It is writing, it is me and my experience to be shared – how on Earth have I actually resisted to do this?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see an art degree as pointless and useless piece of paper that will have no ‘power’ at all within the system, without realizing that we live in this world system wherein one single piece of title gives you enough credentials to be ‘accountable’ within the system and as such, realizing that this is one requisite that I require to cover in order to give completion to what I committed myself to finish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having this little paper on the wall just proves that I am ‘worthy’ toward the system, without realizing that it’s not about the paper or the title or credentials even, but the self commitment that I have committed myself to as part of being a self directive and self responsible beings in all aspects in my reality, as I realize that my reality is my process and that neglecting doing this, is deliberately neglecting my own point of responsibility and self movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always give myself excuses as to why I should leave it for the next day and why I am not ‘ready’ to do this now wherein a thought of doing something else first always come in, and that something else is a task that I have defined as ‘enjoyable’ and even ‘more supportive,’ and within this creating a rift within me toward doing that which I realize is my immediate point of action as opposed to that which also requires action but is not in an absolute immediate manner that must be completed – thus I see and realize that I require to prioritize my time, myself and my current point at hand to complete and to not take further responsibilities without first sorting this one responsibility in my reality.

I Realize that I will have to face the consequences of my own procrastination within this point which I am fully aware that I created simply because of having given into energy and seeking for a feel good experience instead of actually doing what must be done in the moment and realizing that I could not be in a better position to do this and that I have in fact dishonored myself and neglected my self commitment by having given so much ‘head’ to this, instead of simply doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see myself having the thought of writing the document out, see the thought of that specific folder wherein I don’t want to go through everything that I have to revise it and give it proper order and coherence and within this creating a single thought of the folder that contains the files as a burden, due to all the information that is there and the points that must be aligned wherein I am creating a negative experience toward it, instead of actually supporting myself to open up the document, read through what I have and write.

When and as I see myself resisting opening up the very folder in my computer that contains all the written documents and avoiding clicking on it, I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is actually a physical click of opening up documents and reading and going through it to see what requires to be corrected, shifted, what requires an addition and as such focus on what is necessary to be done in order to in fact complete it and have it done for once and for all.

I commit myself to stop all thoughts and instant ‘captures’ of either the office or the folder containing the writings in my computer and using these thoughts as a point of fear to not move. I realize that I am capable of simply breathing through such thoughts and commit myself to write, review and work on the document myself.

 

This will continue..

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95. Any Abuse is Always Self-Abuse

Continuing from 94. In-Sin–Irate: Anger Issues 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act upon abuse in a way that I am abusing myself as my physical body by reacting emotionally with what I have defined as ‘anger’ toward a scenario of animal abuse, without realizing that in such experience I am in no way changing the actual reality that is generating and causing such abuse in the first place.

When and as I see myself reacting with anger followed by a sense of petrification when witnessing animal abuse in my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in order to be able to assist and support myself to stand in the face of the consequences we have created and manifested in our world, the reactions must be non-existent as they are only an indication of me placing myself as a reaction that in no way proposes a solution to stop the problem in itself. Thus I direct myself to instead continue breathing through it, as I realize that if I were to be able to witness the entire reality of what exists here in every single moment, I would be dead by petrification and anger.

 

I realize that it is about acknowledging and witnessing what we have become in order to become aware of the consequences that we have manifested for ourselves and imposed onto life/ animals/ the environment itself based on how the current monetary system is existing as, wherein dog fights are used as an ‘illegal way to gamble’ wherein greed, animal abuse and twisted entertainment are conflated into a profitable business just like any other business that is based upon abuse.

 

I realize that the reaction comes whenever I see in real life the actual consequences of the abuse we have imposed as humanity upon animals, life and ourselves becoming slaves to our own enslaving system, which makes it clear that it is not about the point of abuse only to a particular set of beings, but an entire chained-existence of actions, words and deeds that are existing in separation of who we are as one and equal. Hence everything that is currently existing, contains in an implicit manner the same form of abuse –the only point that changes is that we do Not see such abuse right away, we do not see the slave labor that is contained in the very computers we are using to write and communicate ourselves with, we do not see the family that earns slim to nothing for cultivating the coffee that I drink, I do not see the suffering of the animals whose skin was used to build the boots that I was walking on when approaching a ‘situation of abuse.’

 

Thus I see, realize and understand that we have been limited to only react to that which we can immediately associate with ‘abuse’ as an obvious image of a man hitting a dog – however, such abuse is implicit in virtually everything and everyone in this reality. Thus

To assist and support myself to clarify this point for me in and as every moment that I see myself reacting to an explicit image that depicts abuse, is to understand that everything and everyone is equally participating and equally responsible for what I am witnessing as ‘abuse,’ and that the only way to really stop the abuse that is here – whether I witness it or not – is through creating an entire reform within this system from its foundation, which is Money at this stage being the point of value over life in separation of life itself.

 

I realize that my reactions in no way can change the reality for such dogs, nor will it change ‘the mind’ of the beings hitting the dogs as they are most likely taking such point as a job that they are dependent on in order to live.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to judge the beings in my mind and see them as utterly ‘evil,’ without realizing that we are All equally evil just by having accepted and allowed ourselves to never question this reality and the ways that we have ‘built our civilization’ based on building, creating, selling, using, consuming what is here without any consideration toward what it is that we are in fact doing to ourselves, as we never had even considered that we were in fact equal and one to the animals that we abuse, equal and one to the environment that we suck dry in order to satisfy our needs and even ‘luxuries’ that are defined according to a point of ‘having more money/ more power’ to spend in points like ‘dog fight gambling’ as an illegal business that is existent due to all the factors mentioned above: separating ourselves from life as one and equal, getting an energetic experience of pleasure from seeing dogs fighting, from the very ability to ‘win’ within gambling and as such having everything wrapped with the nice experience of even making money out of the entire event, which is all created at a mind level – the same mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become without a question.

 

Thus I see and realize that the same point of abuse that I judged and blamed others for exerting upon dogs, is equally and one existing within and as me just by the mere fact that I have coexisted here in the same reality without ever daring to see what is behind everything that I ‘own’ and that I use on a daily basis in order to continue my ‘life,’ which within this understanding has never been a REAL equal and one self-supportive Life, but has been and existed as a condition of enslaved abuse wherein we have conned ourselves/ each other to lie, cheat, abuse in the name of survival – thus, I am not separated from the beings that hit dogs and abuse animals in the name of money, as I use the same money and the same products that use animal testing, the same money that is gambled in dog fights, the same money that pays for products derived from animals that are abused and treated as products only and any other living being – including the environment – that we use on a daily basis in order to ‘live.’

 

Therefore I commit myself to ensure that a new system is able to be in place in order to stop the chain massacre of events that we are equally responsible for just by the mere fact that we are equally existing HERE, ensuring thus that the new system is based from its very foundation on Life in Equality – and that Money no longer exists as a point of power that can only exist as abuse over life/ ourselves – but instead becomes a single tool to ensure that all beings are equally supported in this world, so that atrocities committed due-to and because of making profit/ making the most through abusing what is here is no longer possible, as there will be no need to create ‘wealth’ if all have the ability to have everything that is required to live in a dignified manner, wherein all GREED that is causing our world-system problem is treated as a disease at a mind level that each individual will take responsibility for.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in the moment of experiencing anger toward an event/ situation of abuse that I am only witnessing but a snippet of what goes on in this world on a daily basis, as everything that we currently use, consume and make money from is linked to the same system of abuse that we have all complied to by the mere fact of accepting money as a means to live – instead of making life something that is equally recognized as who we are and as such, start considering how to implement the best ways to use, transform and consume what we require to live in the most adequate and studied ways to ensure the least harm toward life/ animals/ the environment is considered within all aspects of our human-civilization living.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even try and exert anger and experience anger toward the event of abuse, without realizing that in such moment I am Only considering ‘my experience/ my own reaction’ to the event, wherein I am in no way supporting the beings to step out of such character as ‘the abuser’ nor am I creating an entire systematic change to ensure that dog fights are no longer existing as a clandestine business – therefore,

 

When and as I see myself wanting to conjure a plethora of reactions and offenses in my mind toward ‘those’ that I perceive as perpetrators of abuse, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only reacting to what I am witnessing in that moment with my physical eyes, yet in no way looking at the entire context of how such point of abuse is equally existent everywhere else in the world wherein an exorbitant amount of abuse is being imposed onto virtually everything and everyone in this reality. Therefore I see, realize and understand that me in that moment wanting to cure and shout at another is plain mind possession that in no way would have changed the scenario for the people or the dogs in the event.

 

I realize that I am ‘them’ as well and that everything that I reacted to was a mirror of myself that I was not willing to recognize exists here as myself and as such, I see the reaction as my own point to work with in order to be able to stand in the face of abuse, to stop all reactions as self-interest within only looking at ‘my experience toward abuse,’ and instead become the point that works in reality to take responsibility for the current system we have created, which will be primarily working first with myself to stop all minor reactions toward abuse – and as such, prepare myself in every moment that I am able to breathe through such scenario to be able to then make actual decisions that will be directed to change the reality that is currently based on money only – and establish Life as the one and only real value on Earth.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to deliberately ‘make others see’ the point of abuse, which is no different to want to convert someone to ‘seeing reality the same way I see it,’ which is futile and of not practical solution as I am in such action only recriminating on another what I have defined as ‘blatant abuse,’ however in no way am I actually assisting and supporting the beings to realize what they’re doing within the entire context of how the money system exists, our relationship to animals, to this entire world and each other as equals. Thus

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘show’ to others the point of abuse that they are exerting over other life forms and themselves, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in no way my recrimination and judgment toward them will make a difference to those/ that which is abused in the moment, as I am in no way actually walking with the person to reveal the point of abuse and share the practical ways to stop and correct themselves, which is something that cannot be imposed onto another, but can only emerge as a decision self makes in order to be part of the solution and stop the problem.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself to speak toward other human beings without realizing that in no way my starting point for doing that is here as and in self honesty, because I am only in fact reacting to the entire event wherein I am in no way for example, the reactions and aftermath of what they could have done from me asking questions to them, which is then a point to realize how

 

When and as I see myself reacting within this surge as a desire to speak/ call out the abuse that others are imposing onto animals/ any other life form or themselves is stemming from actual fear and denial of what I am witnessing, with no consideration of how to assist and support the beings to realize what they are doing or participating in, as I am merely interjecting myself into a situation that I came to face ‘by casualty.’

 

Thus when and as I see myself with this desire to speak to others based on reacting to the point/ event/ moment/ situation , I stop and I breathe – I realize that everything that I have done thus far in my reality is by a pattern of ‘seeing the abuse outside of myself’ but never even daring to see how I am abusing myself and my very physical body because of and just by the fact that I had accepted and allowed myself to become the mind that reacts to abuse, but had in no way considered the practical ways and means to stop such abuse overall.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from ‘the abusers’ and believing that they have ‘no heart’ and that they are ‘evil in nature,’ without realizing that everything that we are just by the fact that we have become the very epitome of separation from and of life itself makes us all the reverse of Live as Evil, wherein some of us have made ourselves as the entire denial of such evil existing within ourselves – which then points out to see how it is dishonest to react to one single point of abuse and call it out on others, without daring to see it within ourselves first, without daring to realize that our very current survival is dependent on a system that is based and founded upon abuse – hence, no one is innocent, no one can possibly ‘wash their hands’ from being the very person that hits a dog that is trained to fight against other dogs in clandestine businesses such as gambling, as it is all formulated and schemed in a human mind that I also exist as.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and/ or desire to react in equal violence as thoughts directly linked to harming others the same way that I am witnessing others harming other beings, which makes me equally participant in that moment of the same abuse I was witnessing, as I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to harm and kick them, which is an aspect that is existing ‘here’ as myself and no different to exerting it out on dogs – therefore I see and realize to what extent I have made myself the ‘innocent’ and ‘righteous one’ that can ‘call out the abuse on others,’ without realizing the entire reaction that comes before ‘calling the abuse on others’ is me wanting to attack and harm them in an equal way as that which I am witnessing in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself feeling ‘righteous’ to call out on the abuse of others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that calling out the abuse and wanting to deliberately ‘do to them as they have done onto others,’ is taking a point of equally abusive vindication that I have in no way the right to exert onto another as I am in this only participating in the same cycle of abuse. Thus I stop believing that ‘I have the right to become angry’ by participating in a deliberately crafted momentary surge of anger and imaginary projections of violence and abuse toward beings in a way to ‘make justice’ to a point that is in itself stemming from an absolutely unjust system that has never ever considered life, that has never ever been based upon living Life in Equality and Oneness – thus, I am equally responsible for everything that is here and as such stopping the reactions toward it is the first and primary point to establish here as myself, in order to be able to practically face the consequences and reality we have become and in that, instead of reacting: work with myself and others in order to establish Solutions for this problem in a tangible and physical manner wherein such abuse will never again have to exist because of money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having deliberately wanted to ‘create anger’ within and as me, as that familiar state of energetically charged reaction of paralysis wherein ‘I want to make justice to the situation,’ taking the self-righteous point of me being ‘innocent’ and ‘right’ about it, without even taking a moment to consider how within this I am wanting to deliberately use my physical body to play out anger as a way to force myself to point out/ call out the abuse on others, which is unacceptable.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to become angry in the self-righteous position of ‘the benevolent being’ wanting to ‘call out’ on the abuse that I see others perpetrating onto something/ someone, I stop and I breathe, I realize that in such point I am becoming the ‘savior’ character toward other life forms that cannot defend themselves- however in such moment I am only becoming part of the fighting and retaliation system that in no way supports to create a solution, but only adds up to the entire conflagration of emotions and reactions that do have consequences on a physical level for all participants involved.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to movies portraying a clandestine business of dog fighting shot in the city I live in and merely take it as ‘fantasy’ and something that was not in any way a ‘reality’ of ‘my reality’ which shows to what extent ‘my reality’ has become only that which I am able to see, witness and experience first hand on my day to day basis, which is the very core of the problem in this world because we have not dared to recognize, see and understand that no matter if we live in a castle where ‘nothing ever bad happens,’ everything and everyone that is here is equally responsible for any and all forms of abuse that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become by the single acceptance of living as a mind over matter/ over the physical / over life itself.

 

Therefore, I see and realize that just because I don’t see it – the abuse – it doesn’t mean it’s not there/ it doesn’t exist – as I see and I realize that in this very denial that we simply cover up with further abuse we have neglected the reality that is here as ourselves, as all forms and ways of abuse that we base our current ‘life’ upon, which is no life, is abusing life to get by, continuing existing just as consuming beings that have no regard to realize that what is being consumed, used and exerted ‘power’ upon is ourselves, and that All Abuse is Always Self Abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself ‘brave’ in that moment of approaching the beings that I am wanting to judge and curse at in a situation of abuse, without realizing that I cannot measure the consequences of this entire event and as such, I realize that I could also be harmed and cause further problems from me wanting to ‘exert my right to call out the abuse’ in a situation wherein within the current conditions of this physical reality, I did expose myself quite a lot, as I in no way had an idea of how the males could have reacted toward me.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to directly speak toward someone that I see is perpetrating any form of abuse onto themselves/ another – I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this besides wanting to ‘save another’ I am in fact placing myself in an unpredictable situation wherein I have no idea of what thoughts can drive another to do and react as – thus I ensure that I do not participate in such points unless the being is explicitly requesting to be supported s that would indicate that ‘then’ we do have an opportunity to create a solution – yet wanting to just ‘call out on abuse’ on others in that moment is actually a risky situation that I cannot measure its consequences to the T as to ensure that I would not end up being harmed as well.

 

Therefore, when and as I see myself witnessing a situation of abuse, I stop and I breathe – I realize that my participation in such point would make no difference to stop the situation and that I would only expose myself unnecessarily. I instead assist and support myself to see the context of the abuse to ensure that we do take into consideration everything that is currently linked to any form of abuse in this world system, which is nothing else but our own mind that must be walked through a process of self correction to ensure that everything we do, say and think is based upon Life in Equality at all times.

 

Thus I stop existing only as a self-righteous caller of abuse and instead, focus on becoming a self-responsible being for myself, my own reactions, my own reality wherein I no longer only ‘react to abuse,’ but I instead become aware of the situation, study the points behind such abuse – what caused it, who, how is it allowed and accepted and how it can practically be stopped – which is most likely always linked to money and the relationship we have created toward money in our minds

 

I realize that ‘my anger’ is just ego – wanting to feel ‘bad’ for a point of actual abuse which is unacceptable – thus I stop from wallowing into my own reactions and instead ground myself to breathe through facing and realizing the consequences of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become – and instead, walk the process of self-correction to ensure that I no longer am part of the chain that unfolds these crimes against life, against ourselves = I stop the inner battle of anger existing within and as me.

 

We’re all responsible and responsibility comes for all participants here as we can no longer just expect some god-president to do it for us, we cannot expect someone to come up with a ‘bright plan’ to just implement ways to ‘save the planet’ and ‘save the animals’ or implement peace in a world where war is waged against ourselves in our very minds every single day that we accept and allow ourselves to exist as our mind.

Until Here and No Further.

 

Support and investigate the Equal Money System wherein we are practically looking at the points that require to be realigned and directed in a way wherein all beings are equally supported to live, making of abuse only a mind-related condition that will be prevented with proper education and supported through a process of Self-Honesty that can be walked through the understanding and application of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty and Self Corrective Application

 

Join us at Desteni – Life Calls

 

Journey to Life blogs: a day to day living education shared by people like you and me.

 

Ahora veo 2008 (Now I See)

 

Interviews that supported me extensively to come to these realizations and give myself proper direction to write Self-Forgiveness are:

 

Blogs:

This is a continuation to:


Day 22: Wax and Wane – Attention Seeker Spoiler

Who we are as positive/ negative feedback received upon us deliberately seeking attention reveals to what extent we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be constantly seeking an energetic reward as a feeling or emotion. Both imply self definition at a mind level wherein we become a constant bolt that goes from cathode to anode and seeking to trigger the next reaction as ‘attention from others’ in order to continue existing as a self-definition that enhances every time that any form of attention is given to self as an idea, self as a set of traits that can be either categorized as positive or negative.

 

This comes from the realization that any desire to seek attention/ obtain attention became a ‘normal’ way of living for me as a child, wherein ‘who I am’ was built and crafted according to feedback that I would assess as points wherein I could fine tune the eventual ‘idea of self’ that I wanted to fully embody for the sake of my own personal glory. I realize that at the moment we can stand equal and one to our own mind to live out the traits that we can develop/adjust/ perfect in order to fine tune ourselves within this process of equalization wherein we are in a world that we can practically assist and support with becoming the living example of how we can use or mind in order to create and implement what’s best for all, instead of using the mind to strategize ways to always win and get our positive feedback upon it, maintaining the belief that ‘who I am’ can be ‘more’ or ‘less than’ accordingly.

 

This begins with notorious points throughout childhood of how I became an attention seeker, to the opposite pole of not wanting to be recognized/ seen for the same particular traits as I had in the past and onto the point where we are here wherein attention given by others to self is only acceptable within the context of assistance and support to reference ‘who I am’ within such feedback and how I can get to see points that I might be missing out within my own application, which is how it is important to always share who we are in any given moment – if experiencing anything as ourselves in order to walk through the process of seeing its origin and walking the necessary self-correction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always want to be part of ‘the action’ wherever it was taking place wherein as a child I would get pissed off and mostly feel ‘left out’ if I found out I was not informed about certain activities that were going to take place, wherein anger and irritation would ensue as a form of manipulation toward my parents/ family for not letting me know about it.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘the world was against me’ whenever I could not have my way and in that, justify anger as away to make my parents feel guilty and eventually try and ‘compensate Me’ for having ‘forgotten’ that I existed – which is how my mind would see the point to reinforce any perception of being unwanted, undesired and a constant nuisance for others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to annoy my parents/ sisters to get their attention as I would find this as something ‘funny to do’ without realizing that I was seeking to be constantly getting an energetic experience of positivity through negative response – this means that the more they would get annoyed by me, the better ‘kick’ out of it I would receive. Within this I realize that who I was as an attention seeker was a deliberate game that I would instigate within my environment with family members in order to feel ‘good’ upon annoying them.

 

Who am I within this deliberate desire to annoy others to feel good? It is simply a desire to be constantly experiencing myself as someone that had the power to annoy another – and in that, get a positive reward for it as an energetic experience that I became defined by in order to constantly ‘keep’ this perceived spotlight upon myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel good whenever people in my environment would applaud anything that I had to say because it was apparently very ‘sensate’ and ‘mature’ for a child

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn that getting compliments would make me someone apparently ‘special’ and ‘unique’ as a child, wherein I would then constantly seek adult’s attention to get my positive reinforcement that would make up the sense of ‘confidence’ that was mostly built up by accumulating these positive feedback as bricks that built the ‘who I am at the eyes of others,’ which eventually had to fall as I grew up and went below zero from where I had to then put the pieces back together again after going through the exact opposite feedback upon ‘who I am within my life/ life choices’ which makes me realize that:

Every aspect that entails an energetic experience as a reinforcement toward the idea of myself as either a positive or negative way, eventually created a false idea of who I am as such positive feedback or negative feedback, that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘embody’ as ‘who I am’ wherein I got lost in the character and lost all sense of being simply here, as a physical living human being that doesn’t require a constant confirmation of ‘who I am’ as an idea, a belief, a character and persona at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately extroverted as a child in order to get people – mostly adults’ attention – as I knew that this would make me ‘stand out’ from the rest and make me special, wherein everyone’s positive feedback upon my attitude, my skills, my abilities and hobbies would build up this elevated idea of ‘who I am’ as a ‘wunderkind’ wherein I then became an early inflated-ego while being around at home and within family, as opposed to the reserved, contained and sensate being that I portrayed myself to be at school during the same ages – from 5-10 more or less.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being around adults more than kids during my childhood, because I became aware of how adults would mostly ‘praise’ the perceived maturity that I deliberately presented in order to get such positive reinforcement as the idea of ‘who I am,’ whereas with kids I was simply ‘another one’ which would not satisfy me at the level of getting this constant ‘kick’ as energy obtained from adults when receiving compliments and ‘positive feedback’ toward ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in my mind believe that all I was and had to ‘be’ was this amusing persona that would always have to be entertaining others to get their attention and in that, get my positive reward similar to the rush that one gets when eating candy and then eventually wanting more of it soon after the effect is gone.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek a positive experience as in feeling ‘more’ than who I was every time that I would want to show something that I had made/ drawn/ crafted/ done toward my parents as a means to get their attention and reward, wherein I would get specifically irritated whenever I ‘felt’ that they were merely condescending and not really paying attention/ giving ME the attention I desired – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate low end from the expected ‘positive reward’ in my mind upon showing something to my father/ mother, wherein when I perceived they were only giving positive feedback in an automated way, out of condescending and only to ‘shut me off’ to keep doing what they were doing, I would wallow in an immediate ‘low’ which would be interpreted as ‘they don’t want to see what I did/ I rather not show them what I do ever again’ which became an actual living statement wherein I stopped sharing ‘my creations’ in such an open manner out of expecting them to only give a ‘light answer’ as positive reinforcement without giving the attention that I sought from them as an actual ‘thoughtful feedback’ upon ‘what I do.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek to do art/ crafts in order to, in my mind, stop getting the attention as what had become a rather ‘annoying feedback’ in my mind after years of accumulating this positive feedback wherein I wanted to get rid of the ‘positive feedback’ through being able to be recognized for being more than a ‘brain that thinks,’ and in that, seeking to create art as a way to not have to articulate myself in such a thoughtful manner that could be directly judged as positive/ negative – but instead use images as another form of expanding the desire for attention without having this ‘smart/ intelligent’ suit on, as creating art could not entail a right or wrong, but only appreciating an individual expression that could not be graded the same way that words/ statements were. In this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize that I merely went from positive to a negative/ alternative way of getting the same feedback that would still be absorbed by me as a positive/ negative reinforcement toward my ego – this means that ‘who I am’ has always been at the expense of ideas, perceptions and beliefs that I have sought to obtain for others in means of asserting ‘who I am’ as a personality/ ego which is the same game we have all agreed to collectively play, giving each other ‘props’ within the belief that ‘who we are’ can be bettered/ uplifted and/or battered/down-rated by others’ words and opinions which include my own self-talk whenever I allow such words to influence myself in any way – either positively or negatively.

 

I realize that who I am has been an energetic mind game that merely sought attention as a constant drive-thru the gas station wherein the fuel I would get from others was not really about ‘others’ but about me creating an experience upon deliberately triggering reactions from others in means of asserting and creating/ recreating the idea that I made of myself in order to have a ‘special spot’ within a dog eat dog as the eternal battle and survivalism that we have existed within the current social context that we have created within this reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to later on seek attention through ‘opposition’ and creating a certain ‘shock’ within my reality through using an image and specific personality in order to ‘stand out from the crowd,’ which was a different dimension from the initial childhood desire to gain attention through ‘positive means.’ This time during my teenage years, I created a personality that would draw attention in an attempt to create a ‘rift’ within a ‘perfected world’ wherein my cautiously crafted ‘disruption’ could get any form of negative reaction/ remark that would function in a similar way to getting a kick out of any positive feedback.

 

Within this I realize how I have gone from pole-to-pole to essentially live out the same energy that I created from assessing others’ reactions, words, feedback upon myself as a constant confirmation that ‘I’ exist as a specific personality, which is and has become an essential human-mind trait in order to keep ourselves ‘enhancing’ our ego through either positive or negative feedback, without realizing that who we really are is neither of both.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel ‘good’ about getting positive feedback and feel ‘bad’ about getting negative feedback without realizing that with me taking others words as a positive/ negative reinforcement to ‘who I am’ as a personality is only me accepting and allowing myself to be a set of positive and negative traits, instead of taking the words as points or considerations that I can take on as mere assistance and support to see where I can align myself to a best for all scenario wherein no ‘feeling good/ superior’ is ensued by positive feedback and not ‘feeling low/ inferior’ is ensued by negative feedback. I realize that feedback is simply a point of referencing me through others wherein there is no right and wrong, but only point that I can be missing to see within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire ‘asserting’ myself as existing within others’ lives/ worlds as a point of positive-incentive to ‘keep going’ within my life throughout the years, without realizing that within living as the constant expectation of getting the attention as the ‘reward’ for everything I do/say is only existing as an idea waiting to be uplifted or opposed to generate an equally fool-filling experience at a mind level to remain as the constricted version of ‘who I am’ as a set of values within words/ judgments, ideas, beliefs and perceptions of ‘who I am at the eyes of others,’ which implies separating myself from being such other eyes and realizing that I cannot possibly wax and wane according to words, I can only assert myself as living words that I and everyone else can live as a realization of who we really are and what is in fact supportive to adopt and implement in a practical way within our reality.

 

I see, realize and understand that an ‘attention seeker’ is only a dimension of self-created desire to continue asserting myself as an idea, which is deliberately instigating positive or negative feedback in order to get the necessary reinforcement at an ego-level, which is the entire mind construction that I have to walk to understand How I have created myself as these patterns that have not supported me to live effectively and coexist with other beings in a particular environment.

I see and realize that I can direct such attention back to myself whenever I see myself having any desire to get attention from others in order to see where and how I am still seeking for validation from others’ in order to continue assenting the ‘who I am’ as an ego, instead of actually stopping in the moment and letting go of the desire to get my ‘quick energetic fix’ by getting any positive or negative feedback which results in an experience within myself.

 

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I see myself deliberately wording myself out in order to get the attention that I see and realize I must give back to myself to see the relationship that I have created in such moment toward the person/ environment in which such desire and/or reaction emerges within my world.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is that a child becomes a rather constant attention seeker if being overloaded with positive reinforcement, no different to inflating balloons with hot air that eventually have to descend down to earth due to such ‘flying high’ not being sustainable as a living, constant reality of who I am.

 

When and as I see myself seeking validation from others toward what I say/ do – I stop and I breathe – I realize that only an ego can seek validation from another mind as egos feeding each other, instead of unconditionally taking another’s words as points of support to allow myself to expand beyond ‘feeing the idea of self’ wherein expansion ensues a point of self-realization to see where and how I have created a relationship toward such point of reaction in either  positive or negative way, in order to equalize myself as all that is here to no longer require to exist as an energetic-feedback requiring machine, but as a living-breathing-walking human being that can simply coexist in a physical way wherein feedback can only be a means to perfect and optimize our living application.

 

“Incentive – Inner sense initiative – transforming incentive into a living self-directive principled action, where one’s inner sense / commonsense initiate oneself into immediate action/change/living of self in a moment when commonsense is realised – and so incentive becomes like a momentary blast of life that sets one off into an explosion of commonsense living action – no more waiting/postponing living, and getting it done – so, get the incentive of self as life – get to commonsense living through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application – no more waiting for change, but in fact living the change as self” Sunette Spies

 

 

Further support:


How I was able to Hear Desteni?

This wasn’t planned at all, but on a day like today January 29th but in 2008 I stumbled upon my second Desteni video which I got to finally watch. I was alone at night in my apartment and ready to get back to school in the following days, while continuing a process of being longing for a change in my life in a desperate manner.

The months before Desteni – and my entire lifetime if I could say so – I searched for answers that I could not get in encyclopedias or my dictionary. I sought into the occult and mystic realms another form of ‘knowledge’ that could make any sense to all of this ‘life’ of mine of which I was losing my ground on. I was absolutely enthralled with spirituality, the idea of ‘God’ being everywhere, us being god, being one, seeking love, wanting to ‘feel love’ and within this getting quite a burnt perspective on reality which lead me to follow certain ideas/ beliefs of myself having this benevolent mission in life that I had to seek ‘guidance’ for in order to ‘fulfill’ it.

At that time I was questioning myself extensively. I would write about losing the ‘meaning’ of who I am and how I had to go back to memories to remind myself ‘who I was,’ yet at the same time not believing that all I was is this ‘so-called lifetime’ as I wrote. I had been interested in how everything develops/ works as a process in life and this curiosity is what lead me to research on various topics like religions, philosophy, mysticism which included alchemy, magic, esotericism, kabbalah, Sufism and the list goes on with various ‘isms.’ I mean, I tried to get a hold of each thing to see what ‘suited my interests.’ Now we know that religions are designed according to people’s minds and cultural lifestyles which now makes me realize how it is that I couldn’t ‘fully identify’ with any of them. I wanted to ‘make my own religion’ as a syncretism of all of which I could find ‘supportive’ from each one of these religions/philosophies/ practices/ cultures, etc.

I’ve been quite fond of writing and I had been doing it for 8 years by that time wherein I wrote “I know the writings and the essence of my thoughts are creations.” Yet all of this I would still link to the idea of ‘enlightenment’ which is essentially what I was seeking at the time. I also would feel like ‘death’ was around the corner – yep, it was the death of me as who I had believed myself all the time.

I’ll share my exact words on the first encounter with Desteni written out in the evening of January 29th, 2008:

“So I saw this girl from Desteni bringing Ian Xel Lungold who is the man that got me investigating about the Mayan Calendar. So I thank him, now I know what goes one a bit more. . I mean, it’s really tough when you truly think of it, but it is completely plausible as I’ve been in touch with such things since I was a little girl. I was brought up with the belief in spiritualism. Basically my whole life has been based in their beliefs.”

Then I describe several events that I used as a form of believing that spiritualism was real as in ‘real life events’ that supported me to believe in it. I proceeded to write hours later – I apologize for the sketchy and jumpy type of enunciation, but I was mostly on weed all the time and I would write in a rather messy way, yet I wanted to share it as ‘raw’ as it is, this is to clarify that the words might not be well suited to describe ‘Desteni’ yet it was how I grasped it at the time.

“It’s 11:05 and I come here only to make or point out the fact/ statement that a whole dimension of who I was has been completely/ almost shattered today. Something beyond here and there changed my mind. So the channel (portal) can be applied to Einstein, Tesla, Marilyn Monroe, Dimebag Darrel I mean, everyone. So there goes this manifestation… It is beyond all schemes, I couldn’t have (illegible ‘thought this’) not even in my wildest dreams. But seeing Kurt Cobain speaking through a blond woman makes you wonder how you really haven’t (illegible) on stuff, even more when we’ve certainly felt like I didn’t belong here. The idea of good and evil dissolving, I hadn’t thought about the idea of god and it makes me wonder. We are our words and I allow myself to forgive myself for ALL and for it ALL. Each pinch of doubt, fear, insecurity might come from my pre-installed system as it feels odd to be coming out of the end. […] So it’s been a long, long day filled with truly, this time TRULY unexpected information, therefore I’m grateful and I’ll try to begin acting as one, being honest with myself as the very chains of reality, this shadow world comes to a transformation from the core. I want to assist that change.

I’ll try to watch them all (videos.) Lots of good vibes. I thank everything until now for I am indeed now aware of my own nature”

And that was the entry for the day. The real ‘shift came through the writings two days after I spent all my time watching videos while having the last days of vacation from school.

The following pages contain very ‘powerful’ realizations that I would like to share here in a summed-up version of entire pages wherein I expressed how excited I was and all that I was ‘ready to give up’ for this process. I’m even a bit flabbergasted myself to see how immediate my decision was to HEAR – and this is all mostly because of seeing the common sense in having to be the ones that cut the chains of our own shackles in this world.  I’ll transcribe a bit here:

“It’s the last day of the first month. It could officially mean that it’s the end of my vacation time and all I can realize is that all my life could be thrown out the window right now because my belief systems have fell and with it, many things I became a part of. I saw each system demon come in and talk about polarities, beauty, addictions, god, trinity, everyone, everything. And this made me ‘feel better’ like I have a solution to the possible outcome of it all. I heard LaVey saying who he’s is/was a demon and he’s in the dimensions observing how humans go to heaven, their heaven once they die.

So me and that LSD experience. I won’t ever do that again as I must realize what I saw was still the product of our mind. I am really curious about Gurdjieff and his afterlife. He says he was erased from Earth because he realized true awareness of ‘I am.’

So really, it is a BIG change for I now know my thoughts, feelings, emotions are part of the system I am. This isn’t really me, we’re covered in bags of skin with huge egos while thinking about success and happiness in the system. I don’t know what I’ll become or what will actually happen after this whole breakthrough. I really feel I want to quit it ALL. I mean it. So, words are me.

Really this is the end of our world as we know it, really. What will come is our Self Realization through the destruction of our systems/demons and I feel think 2012 will be only a shifting time for all of us to save Mother Earth and become Aware, not saved as Jesus (through the Portal) said, but become aware that I don’t have to worship anyone […] Therefore I won’t be experiencing the unity as I thought. It’s good I’ve got a record since 2000 of my life, so now I will consider, re-consider it all…”

Feb 5th and my world was falling apart already within my relationship in terms of how I began sharing about Desteni with family and friends in a rather enthusiastic manner that didn’t suit their scheme of who I was/ what I was supposed to be. Here I share something of this day

“I’ll be like the temperance so I may have time to realize how we exist through relationships. It can’t make me sad anymore, it’s a fight against my own mind. That is judgment day, is here for me, it’s beginning. I do not believe in anything outside of myself anymore, no more religions, no more surrendering to a higher power. There’s no such God as we are god ourselves. All of us, we just have to realize it.

[…] The deal with it all now is becoming my words and it requires subjugation of our big egos towards unity and equality. Will that ever happen? All my beliefs on 2012 are awaiting (in relation to a final ‘end of the world as shared in previous blogs) In fact I like the idea, but what kind of seems torturing is the fact that there’s no solution, there’s no going out of it all forever.  […] It is fascinating I know I’m not alone, I’m not a stranger, I’ll rather try to burn my ego down to ashes and let the true me get out. I won’t hold on to things as I realize how everything is constantly moving. What’s real? I don’t know. And I’m glad I’m not into a relationship anymore.”

And now I remember how initial ‘doubts’ on Desteni were triggered by others in my world – though common sense was undeniable:

“What if Desteni is actually a conspiracy? Well I don’t feel so, it’s not nice to think that all the books I recently bought are nothing but fantasies either, yet they can be so. Music is a system, art, expression, feelings, so what the hell on earth can I do? I’m just waiting, TELL ME! I have no desire whatsoever and it might be really bad/ good whatever. Everyone… So I sometimes wonder… maybe I could be very useful on heaven here on Earth… I have not bought my life yet but I’ll be patient. I’m doing my effort and placing my endeavor towards – not what is called enlightenment – but the truth of our essence. There is nothing to be scared of but of ourselves. So here we go, that’s it. I will not think of anything but forgive myself and I walk for this is all I got now, somehow.

I will trust them this time for it makes complete sense to me. I want to thank Jack and everyone out there in the dimensions who are currently coming to us (through the portal) in a specific moment of our lives. We can’t deny this, we’re in this together, all of us so we might as well hurry, we are aware of this now. That’s why maybe we all felt our worlds crumbling down for some time now, we didn’t know the dimensions were actually struggling to take out all the white light system. So, we were enslaved, huh, who could tell? To me it isn’t much of a new thing because I’ve seen everyone and I know I feel their whatever they are feeling and I’ve always felt weird whenever a young kid approaches me to ask for money or anything. How odd really, we don’t have to ask more. I will continuously make my endeavor to stop the mind. To know who I really am and so, If we are all gods, we better make up to our own nature. Nothing is sacred anymore but all of it together. So that’s about it. This is the real change.

Then the ‘crisis/ breakdown’ came wherein I started digesting more and more of the material, yet it was a necessary process as we all walking this process know and have experienced at some point in our lives/ process.

“So today it wasn’t such a  great thing going back to school. I know it was going to be mad, I couldn’t really sleep that well, I kept wondering about many things and I had goose bumps, very intense ones so I hope today I find a reason for that. If there’s one, Maybe I’m going through a deep crisis indeed, I need help.

Self Honesty, using common sense. I got a message from Andrea at Desteni. I feel great I know and them, it’s great. It has helped me a lot.

My world is really falling apart, it consists of my beliefs, thoughts, that includes all the stuff I used to cling to. There are no more chakras, there will be no more reincarnation as Buddha (through the portal) wrote – so what happens then? So I’m guiding everyday towards equality and it’s hard considering life in this city which is hell. Art is even nonsense now.

Everything up to where we are now makes no sense. There’s no ‘white light’ anymore so we’re on our own. This will be a major shift, I might as well sell everything and go for a ride. But I enjoy myself here I am now. And I’m thankful for it all too. No matter what, I’ll be a ‘stop the mind freak’ if it’s necessary for me to be so. I’ll quit weed if it’s needed, I’ll do so. I believe I was like a heretic or something (in a past life belief), I believe I stood up for No God in other lives and now I returned for a while as a god conceiver, a ‘god seeking person,’ a mystic which is the ultimate enslavement by that of ‘surrendering to a higher power’ – God! I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think of a higher power other than me. I am living my words so I make it happen. If I need to quit my friendship, I will only if required. I hear my blood streaming. So this is where we got to. It is now, the apocalypse (revelation) is here slowly but surely. The revealing. I am all, I am alive. My blood is pumping.”

The following days I continued describing all the series of realizations with regards to what and who I had become, I realized that I was fooling myself by using weed to ‘cope with the message’ and eventually stopped it, the same happened with my relationship as I saw for myself the deception it was and how it was not supporting myself to walk this process.

I found it cool to share these thoughts straight from my notebook as ‘who I was’ 4 years ago wherein I was waking up from a slumber filled with ‘positivism.’ Desteni became that final and initial point to a process of having sought for a ‘solution’ to this world and having sought for a ‘way out’ of my own ‘chains,’ I saw the common sense in having to become the solution in this world once that I realized there was no God. This proves that I had in fact deposited faith on some benevolent being eventually being able to ‘save us.’ Now I know that it is definitely not so and that we are here, walking our process of self-revelation as the realization of who and what we are as one and equal which is not nice or pretty and implies taking Self Responsibility: an actual understanding of How we have created this world and walk through the Manifested Consequences in/ as our world.

Common sense could not be denied and I walked a process of shedding off my beliefs and embraced the new way wherein Forgiving myself was the way to stop participating in delusions like god or having some form of ‘guidance’ above me to become this ‘enlightened being.’ It was very supportive to get messages from people at Desteni when I did ‘seek for help’ as I was going a bit crazy with all the material. It only lasted a couple of days but what I got really allowed me to settle down and assert myself to walk this.

I eventually walked through the entire breakdown of crying and thinking that I had ‘lost myself’ but it was only beginning to step out of my religion and realizing that I could not continue as the ‘me’ that I had lived as until then.

Now I’m here, I did finish school and I’m actually in that point again in my life where a cycle is about to end here and a new one will begin. I can’t believe it’s been 4 years already yet it is so and we continue walking here.

All I can say is to be patient with yourself if you’re beginning this process, takes time to walk through one’s mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions and the rest of our reality within writing and applying self forgiveness, we’re all still all walking it as well.  I see how the commitment to be part of this process of Equality and Oneness was almost an immediate decision, because I had sought to be part of a change that could give a ‘meaning’ to my life. I realized how I could make myself the point of my existence and within that, make of my life this instrument to transform and establish a system that supports all Life.

Desteni is the process to get to live in this world. It might have come in the ‘weird’ presentation of a portal with all of these fascinating messages that made all sense to me. Yet the process of walking it and applying it/ living it became that single ‘point’ in my world that I required to realize that I was in fact able to become that which I saw  ‘knew’ we were even if it was in the back of my head. I was able to finally get the ‘reality check’ that I required to see how deluding myself with god and spirituality had been in fact neglecting my reality. The breakdown that I described was precisely because of realizing how I had been living in a bubble of positive thinking while abuse, suffering and violence was everything that was creating and making of this world such a fucked up place, all of it beginning within our very own thoughts (!)

Witnessing that through documentaries and videos we would get on a daily basis by Bernard, allowed me to open my eyes to the reality I had neglected. This was probably one of the key points within my Desteni-process wherein I started looking outside of myself to a reality that required to be exposed and shared to see what we are accepting and allowing to exist in our world, our creation. And with that, create and stand as the necessary solution that we are now presenting and walking as the Equal Money System.

Some lines in those journal entries contained some lyrics by John Frusciante that I wrote and seemed appropriate for this point in my life:

My life goes blank
Life was never what you thought.
Life was never what you saw
The lights go out

I dared to turn off the light and face the reality of what I had become, I wrote that it was ‘painful’ but understood why I required to walk this process and committed myself to it fully.

I’m grateful as I’ll always be for being here, being able to share my story today after 4 years of walking this process, between hell and Earth and back again, facing the nitty gritty details of myself that I would sometimes get embarrassed to even expose to myself. All of it I’m able to Self Forgive and prepare myself to be the point that takes Self Responsibility, that does stand up to create the necessary system for all of us to live as equals.

If you want to read more about my process, check out the archives now available in this same blog in the year 2008.

We continue walking. Thanks for reading.

Watch the vlogs on this topic here:

2012 Walking with Desteni: Why I could Hear the Desteni Message – Part 1

2012 Walking with Desteni: Why I could Hear the Desteni Message – Part 2

First note when watching Desteni 2008

First notes while watching Desteni, January 30th 2008


The Familiar Nuclear Threat

“Sibling-rivalry – the nuclear family preparation for the division of the weak/strong so that the strong can be prepared to fight in the system in the game of survival of the fittest where only the strong survive” – Sunette Spies

“Thus–as a selective design of natural selection, could JEALOUSY be the undertone preprogrammed to make sure siblings will always be at each other’s throat?” Bernard Poolman

Family is the unit of the system, the ‘nucleus of society’ wherein the very basic relationships are formed once any human being arrives into this world. Such relationships determine our nature that will be ‘activated’ through interaction through our pre-laid conditions existent as part of the information acquired from both father and mother that create a clone of their own. Now, besides the entire parenting aspects and considerations that are certainly something necessary and vital to understand, we have the interactions that develop within the family between parents, between siblings and between siblings and parents. The entire hierarchical system and survival of the fittest is played out and accepted as ‘the way to live’ in this reality.

Parents do not consider the fact that the very relationship they may have toward each other will remain as a permanent imprint that will determine their children’s ability to either step out of the pattern or follow it in the exact same way throughout their life in terms of the relationship with themselves and the world. Parents often believe that children have no eyes and ears when they’re very young which is obviously not so and it actually creates fine imprints that remain suppressed yet still existent within each one.

Bullying begins at home

Who hasn’t had a ‘fight’ with a brother or sister, who hasn’t fought with their parents? I’d say if you answer ‘me’ you’re mostly not of this world as it is certainly one of the accepted and allowed ‘normal’ aspects of living with human beings that have the same blood as yourself. There you go. Siblings have the exact same blood with just different spices here and there which will essentially, by biological predisposition, become organisms that will be following the laws of ‘survival of the fittest’ wherein each one will by default try and be the one that ‘makes it’ to have the best life, to be the ‘chosen one’ by parents and society.

I can see within my own experience how favoritism became a point that I ended up accepting as a form of suppression wherein I saw myself as ‘overshadowed’ by my sisters and what I perceived as their social charms which I just couldn’t ‘trigger’ with such ‘natural ability’ myself. I would see them as my parents fulfillment of what successful women would mean and within this, because of seeing myself as ‘unfit’ to do so, I created another niche for myself to exist in/as, one that existed as the opposite of all the norms and paradigms that my parents were mostly expecting of myself. I sabotaged myself within that as it became the point wherein I began secluding myself more and more without realizing that such ‘low self esteem’ or any other belief that I had of myself as not being ‘as good as’ my sisters became the actual factor for me to become the self-created black sheep of the family.

I virtually ended up doing everything that they probably didn’t plan having in their family, I broke the schemes and made my own safe space wherein I didn’t have to compete to be ‘the best’ between my sisters because I was ‘different.’ I created for myself such alternate reality just so that I wouldn’t have to keep up with the pressure of having to become like them, just so that I wouldn’t ‘let them down’ in terms of them having any particular expectations on my life.

Eventually just as anything, my personality was resisted, questioned until it was embraced as a form of resignation actually. When I began walking this process of self honesty at Desteni, I started becoming aware of  the entire veneer that I had created for me to be ‘at ease’ with myself without ever having looked at the self-judgment point that I accepted as real which became the reason why I created a ‘harder’ version of myself.

When I was a little girl I was mostly laughed at or constantly picked upon because of how ‘innocent’ and gullible I was. My sisters would have fun making me shit scared about the dark and all the ‘unknown’ which then became an aspect that truly got a hold of me for quite a lengthy amount of time. At the same time I grew up seeing them through their teenage years and their relationships to which I remember always thinking: ‘I’m not going to be like them, I won’t play out the same drama queen, I won’t bring boyfriends home’ and several other points that I lived out as a counter-act to what I had witnessed within them.

I would have really offensive exchange of words with them when growing up. It’s fascinating how I had almost forgotten about this because of how long it’s been since I last lived with all of them in the same house, but I did create quite a grudge that I managed to suppress all the time. I can’t even remember what our problems were about, all I remember is having great problems with both my sisters at different times.

If I wouldn’t have been walking this process, I would’ve literally self-sabotaged myself in my endeavors to become the exact opposite of everything that my family could expect of myself in all ways. Right now I realize that I must create myself from a starting point of common sense and not out of spitefulness toward the nuclear family which is a threat to realizing our Equality.

Now this is only my experience, several memories suppressed to the point where I neglected that it was actually jealousy as fearing to lose the ‘love and preference of parents’ as the race/ competition that I literally stepped out of and separated myself from, creating an opposite point where I didn’t have to compete and I could be at ease with my own set of ‘preferences’ and ways of being. This was nothing else but a defense mechanism to protect me from having to go all the way in such competition.

I am aware that this plays out in all families, we’ve corroborated as well through our chats and forums wherein we are well aware that we as human beings are no different to each other – we’re all essentially programmed to play out the same conflict points to ensure that we remain trapped in such relationships of deception as the power games and competitions to be ‘the best’, the ‘fittest’ which translates into being the most successful one in terms of how the system works. Parents become then proud of those that ‘make it’ and fulfill their expectations and such point of favoritism and preference becomes evident and undeniable either through words or actions that indicate that there was never actual equality lived within the family system. 

From watching parents and their relationships that are more often than not ‘dysfunctional,’ children learn to have the same relationships toward siblings and if there are none, the actions are taken on to others in their world. It’s fascinating that people are being so scandalized by bullying rising every day more and more in schools, without realizing that kids are only playing out in school that which they’ve learned/ seen at home.

A child that sees their parents fighting, yelling or getting to points of physical and verbal abuse will develop conditions of speech impediment, insecurity, anxiety which are all fear based in terms of not being able to ‘compute’ the fact that such surreptitious violence may exist at home. Imagine this being compared to the ideals portrayed in the media wherein the kid only sees that reality does not match the apparent ‘standard’ which makes them feeling inherently ‘damned’ for not having such a ‘good loving family,’ without being able to see that the reality is that such domestic violence is almost the norm in this world and not the nice family-set ups that are portrayed on TV. Such dissonance only creates an inherent sense of being cursed for having to experience such play outs at home where blackmailing, offensive remarks and general high tonalities are used as a form of expressing discontent to one another. There has never been an actual realization of self responsibility within the family system, we must create a general awareness on how relationships are able to be walked within self responsibility and general awareness that we cannot blame anyone for what we are experiencing within ourselves.

Due to kids becoming then rather detached from reality as a defense mechanism,  leads them to not interact ‘as the rest of the kids,’ becoming easy targets to be picked up and bullied at school or any other environment, because of how they feel incapable of standing up in situations of abuse, because there is no education based on self honesty in the family system. It’s actually the adult patterns playing out in school age within kids – either the bully or the bullied – which is now making everything pretty obvious in terms of how we are all responsible for the existence of such violence.

We must stop existing in continuous cycles of suppression, spitefulness and inherent rivalry between each other at home which is where our entire life is settled upon. We require to sort out these initial relationships within ourselves and toward this family-nucleus to make sure that we stop all forms of deception within it that later on becomes ‘who we are’ within our personal life and as members of society, creating a world equally fucked in terms of accepting hierarchical schemes as ‘real’, respect as form of keeping quiet to each other to keep the comfortable status quo and a general convenience that extends to economical protection mechanisms as well as the rest of societal-benefits that are existent toward ‘families’ in between as the ‘settled’ ones – this is just because of how much benefit to the system there is when ‘raising kids’ and becoming an integral force that supports the system of abuse.

A hostile environment between members in a family is essentially the pot in which the ‘future of the world’ is usually brewed in. Therefore it is quite clear that the family system must be reformed/ corrected to consider all beings as equals, wherein actual support is given from one member to each other to develop ourselves to the fullest potential.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in pretense where everything is ‘its right place’ without realizing how I created myself as the counter act to such false pretension and in this, existing as the acceptance of such pretense of ‘everything is fine’ being actually so.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect the fact that I created myself out of being an opposite to my family and in this, seeing myself as unfit to fill the idea of ‘everything is fine’ and ‘normality’ yet in essence, still subduing myself to fit a pattern that I can take as ‘my own’ in opposition, without seeing it came out of spitefulness toward the family system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately sabotage myself just so that I didn’t have to ‘strive’ any further to ‘conquer’ the ideal position that was promoted within my family system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as a deliberate ‘deviation’ from my family which proves that I played out the ‘atheist’ so to speak wherein I am still defined by the idea of ‘how I must be’ according to what the familiar standard is/was by becoming the opposite of it, the denial of it and within this, pretending that I ‘found my place’ while in fact I created it for the sake of not having to struggle with fitting in and fulfilling others’ ideas and expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘all is well’ in the family where in fact, there’s been an underlying rivalry all the way which I took on as an opportunity to stand outside of the mold, as a form of bailing myself out from such ideals – yet in essence formed from the idea that I am not able or capable/ suitable enough to be/ become that which others want me to be.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create such a dependency on how I was being perceived within the family to the point of thinking that it is all revolving around myself, therefore feeling like ‘I could not keep up with the high expectations’ upon me, eventually resorting to ‘break the pattern’ and step out of the competition to be the ‘best’ within the family.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to act in deliberate ways to keep the status quo, to not place things into the fire for the sake of seeing ‘what may burn’ which is in essence forgiving myself for fearing creating conflict that could turn into my own detriment as the safety net that family provides – in essence still allowing myself to be trapped within the entire manipulation existent within it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be affected surreptitiously about the fact that I knew I wasn’t ‘the favorite one’ and in this, accepting my side as the ‘relegated’ one in the family, yet finding a comfort in it because I could be ‘in my own place’ without having others to compete with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create myself out of a definition of how others would see and define me within their own value-schemes, without realizing that I am not that which others see and perceive about me, I am not that which I still believe I am as an image, personality and memory-system of various experiences that can only stem as a limitation/ definition to who I realize I am.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ‘overshadowed’ by the ‘grace’ that my sisters showed to others wherein I saw myself as incapable of being equal to – therefore becoming the ‘black sheep’ as a deliberate way to step out of such competition.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that any form of jealousy existed toward my sisters as a way of not realizing that the entirety of myself has been created as a counter-act in polarity of what they are/ represent within the family structure.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as inferior to my sisters because of their ability to create experiences within me that I could not ‘control’ when I was a little girl – hence becoming a complete separate pattern of what they ‘are’ so that I could not participate in their games any longer.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of my sisters because of how they would be socially-appealing and graceful wherein I saw myself as unfit to be that, making of myself then the counter act so that I didn’t have to ‘compete’ with them to be ‘better than’ and in that, accepting a perceived ‘inferior position’ wherein I didn’t have to play the game – yet remaining within this inferiority self-perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was only ‘space’ for someone being ‘outstanding’ within the family system and in that, giving away the ability that I had to become a self-perfected human being because of accepting myself as ‘flawed’ specifically when comparing myself to my sisters and others within the family system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my own survival mechanism by ‘getting of of the game’ and becoming an ‘unfit player’ for such game which is then how I created myself as the opposite and counter act to my sisters so that I could have ‘my own place’ in reality and feel ‘ok’ within it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel bullied by my sisters when growing up and in that, generating resentment toward them because of how ‘mean’ they were to me, which I then used as a form of ‘seeing myself as better than’ once that I created that ‘safe place’ for myself where I didn’t have to fit in their schemes anymore.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘place the other cheek’ whenever I was bullied by my sisters and within this, accepting myself as inferior, as flawed and as too feeble to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately suppress the anger and sadness caused within the sisters’ relationship just so that pretending wouldn’t seem such a ludicrous game to play as a family.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘inadequate’ within my family and not-accepted, therefore resorting to seek people in my world where I could be ‘accepted’ and ‘liked/ loved’ for ‘what I was’ which was nothing else but a counter act to the accepted norm within the family system – therefore seeking for others that would feel the exact same way to resort in similar misery with each other.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ‘friends’ were my ‘real family’ wherein I actually created my new definition of what ‘family is’ which is a mutual acceptance through deliberate manipulation to remain as the idea/ image of that which we like in each other, keeping the status quo of that inherent self rejection and never willing to support us to actually Live.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘bad’ whenever I had to realize the actual manipulation and lies/ deception going on in between the family members, which I could only witness and keep quiet about so that I wouldn’t form any discord in the moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be affected by others’ comments in the family toward me being ‘a bug’ in the family and within that, becoming even more self righteous within my self created black-sheep suit.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never realize I was only spiting myself and no one else within this self created opposition toward a system that I now see and realize I cannot allow myself to continue being influenced by in terms of defining myself according to it.

Okay, so far several points debunked – it’s all in the family, everyone’s got a similar story so I suggest you dare to investigate for yourself how yours went.

Thanks for reading.

fakesmile


Birth Life – Not War

Imagine yourself as a kid that turns on the TV and the channel’s CNN – you see a bunch of huge cars with people holding  large guns, breaking into homes, shouting, yelling in some language that you can’t even understand, lighting up cars, breaking windows on streets, shouting, running through streets…

You see fellow kids on the screen, they’re dead on the street, a woman next to her daughter sobbing for her daughter, she’s got blood all over… how would you react? Is this the world that we want children to be born into? You see people talking back and forth yet no one seems to see the obvious: JUST STOP KILLING EACH OTHER!!

Then further news come in, you see images of cities with rivers instead of pavement, you see people crying and looking worried while seeing their coach stream down the street, people’s homes just taken away by a gigantic flow of water – is this what we want kids to see?

Changing the channel you see images of famous people, squandering their millions on clothes and cars and shit they don’t really require to live – people barely wearing any clothes singing to songs, some others having ‘great fun’ while they go around the world – what’s wrong with this picture? How to go on as a kid seeing both images coming through the screen, both reflecting part of our bipolar reality.

Is this the world that we want to leave to the kids? to Ourselves?

 

No.

 

We’re destroying children’s ability to remain pure and have that sparkle of life that’s now being diverted to begin their quest to become massive consumers of sugar as candies and toys which then become clothes, cars and any other shit that is taught to them will make them ‘happy’. We’ve become the worst dictators as we ‘teach’/educate and indoctrinate kids to mold into the shapes and ways of this corrupt and abusive world. How have we dared to disregard LIFE when being a co-creator of this world?

 

We can only forgive ourselves for this and ensure we STOP no matter what.

We don’t require to be parents to actually realize that we have to create a world wherein kids don’t have to be staring at ‘life’ through switching channels in the remote control. Kids cannot possibly continue seeing the death and destruction that man is STILL till this day brewing for the sake of MONEY.

 

This is one of the main concerns I’ve had, a reason why I don’t plan nor want to bring a child into this world – yet, I have a newly born in my family, my sister’s baby whom I call ‘Baby Fukushima’ because she was born on march 11th this year when the earthquake in Japan took place – and my other sister is also pregnant and bringing a boy into this world at the end of this year… man, I only sigh upon this, I cannot say anything else because it’s obvious how this goes.

 

I read a hilarious note in the school’s newspaper today: ‘fertility amongst teenage women on the rise’’ – it’s obvious that it’s NOT about fertility but people not using any form of birth control, probably because of money, lack of education and worst cases: due to religious beliefs of ‘I’ll have as many kids as god wants me to have’ – some others even consider it a ‘human right’ to have children regardless of the actual conditions that someone could have to be able to support another being and provide a dignified life.

 

When I was a pre-teen, I started realizing how the world worked and I always wanted a change – I realized that to change this it’d be like uprooting the old tree and simply planting a new one – that seems impractical to do at this stage and the only point we can do is simply work with ourselves, to make sure that we at least continue ‘at least’ continue living with a new way of considering each other, with a full determination to STOP this madness that’s currently going on in this world.

 

It’s in moments like these where the world doesn’t seem to make any sense that we can only make sure we ground ourselves as breath – here – this is what I am – and I’ve only got moment to moment to continue directing myself, ensuring I don’t become part of the madness but I instead embrace and literally amalgamate myself as the only certainty that I have, breath as myself here to walk through anything that may come our way.

 

From here we can only ensure that we establish a way to support people financially so that we can then focus on education and proper support networks to support others to realize that there is another way of living in this world – for all equally. There IS a way – it only isn’t  here yet, we’ve got to create it and this is simply that which I have given to myself as ‘’the point’ to live for and by in  my existence – I do this for myself in the recognition of what and who I really am – I don’t allow myself to be daunted by the images I see – I breath and I remain as here is what I am.

 

What we’re facing is nothing else but manifested consequences of our disregard for one another and Life – we can only walk in humbleness as Life is directing now –

 

I realize I began this entry talking about kids – and I’ll end it the same way: We once were those kids that got educated by those that came before us who also didn’t know anything else but the ways that they got taught by their parents and so forth – no one’s to blame, instead we take Self Responsibility.

We are now those ‘grown ups’ that have the ability to change the reality that kids will be seeing around them, the reality that will be seen through TV and computer screens – we cannot allow ourselves to continue with this old world – we’ve got to become the stand to make a final STOP from history repeating and not only create a ‘new picture’ for all of us to see, but a complete new way of existing, now living-life for real instead of living in a complete simulated reality where all pictures have taken the place of importance while disregarding and being completely alienated from realizing who we are as Life.

 

This is the only point we can take on as our vow to Life: to create a world that’s actually best for all –  it’s the least we can do as humanity after all we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become. When you take into consideration the whole as yourself, you stop worrying about our petty little problems in our mind, we start realizing the actual situations to be faced in reality as part of the challenges that we’ve so meticulously and inanely created for ourselves to face today – this is the process and it’s unfolding as we write and read here.

 

How I see it is only through taking self responsibility we can vindicate our stance towards that which we’ve disregarded all along as ourselves: Life.

 

Let’s support life to be birthed from the physical – not further disregard and enslavement as a clone of our past, waging wars for the sake of Money.

If you have kids I suggest to be the living example of a world that is an can be best for all, to stand strong within the realization that who we really are cannot be deadened by others. We stand, walk and breath – and so it is and will be.


¿Una Vida Más? ( One more life?) – 2008


Newborn in Equality–No More Crimes Against Life

Equality seems  an empty word when not related directly to ourselves  as who we are – it seems like simply one of those words that have no direct ‘image’ related to it  and thus the entire meaning is lost because we then only create Equality at an ‘image’ level  as ‘sameness’ – not at an actual-essence of who we are. We’ve only fairly recently – amazingly late I’d say -  how we exist as One and Equals – and this considering not only the physical level as living breathing tissue  but the essential level of ourselves existing here as the entirety of existence – same Earth, same place, same resources, we breathe the same air – though we’ve separated ourselves completely from ourselves through money that is actually innocent in itself, but it’s the way that we use it the one that creates the entire fuckup.

Humans and addictions are one intricate relationship that is seldom question to its core –

We can’t possibly continue existing in such separation from everything we eat, from losing awareness of all that which we use every single day which is here as ourselves, as life, as that unconditional point of Support that is Here for us at the moment to support our lives so that we can dignify this life that we are using – and currently mostly abusing – to finally agree that we have to Support All Life Equally and thus Stop the Enslavement of ourselves as the entirety of this system within its mechanics of abuse, of superiority, of delusions of grandeur  that create by default suffering, abuse and ultimately, the inability to ever know what actually Living means!

It’s INSANE to see to what extent we’re separated ourselves, to even realize that Consciousness that is a finite automated system is far greater than us might raise some questions towards anyone that defends any type of human evolution, any type of idea of human as superior species – no way, host is it possible that we are even currently less than a system that stores information to simply use it when proper stimuli is in the environment ? is that actual existence? is that’ really living? Is that even real communication or is it simply programs re-creating the same programming to relate one’s own existence amongst others? That’s not really being HERE, that’s Thinking that we are here, we are essentially self-centered mind-machines that are used to relating to the world at a single Thought level, never at an actual Physical integration with everything that is HERE as Self – one and equal.

Insane it is that we’ve never actually realized the simplicity of that until now – and even ‘realizing’ it at a thought level doesn’t imply that we can immediately LIVE as LIFE because we have to yet disengage from all the relationships we’ve created as our own ‘social network’ that we exist as within our own mind and not even towards ‘other beings’ but existent as our own words, as our own images, experiences, preferences, opinions, beliefs that we’ve acquired and identified as ‘who we are’ – Really?

Getting to actually Live, getting to THAT requires major changes and transformation from the very moment a mother bears a new life in the womb.

VItal immediate changes have to exist in parents that are going to be bringing forth new life into this world – this is paramount to understand as a great part of a human’s inherent conditioning comes from the very first years of how they live, the childhood they have and thus it’s obvious how bringing a child into this world, having to livie within a broken home and with parents that can’t even deal with their own mind/emotional problems is really a crime against life – I cannot fathom how people that barely have anything to eat get pregnant and thus, bring an equally starving child to this world – this is something that breaks my heart if that can figuratively explain how much we disregard the actual solutions that have to exist – and all because we’ve never considered how important it is to Educate people, to explain how it is possible to prevent unnecessary births into this world!   Bringing a new life to an environment where no food, no water, no proper hygiene is in place, no proper housing, no proper clothing, no proper mental sanity is in place is a crime against life –

I am basically getting to this topic due to seeing my sister being pregnant and seeing how her baby will be born into a golden crib wherein she’ll have more than what she actually needs and how she’ll be living in a bubble where all protection is given, where all food, all entertainment, all best education is available – a ‘fortunate one’ that might get to be yet another one that disregards the reality of this world – I will make sure that she gets to have a reality check out of the bubble that is already existent as the entire home and environment she’ll be born into. Pff!! and thinking that she is one in thousands that will be coming into this world this year – probably millions -  one of the very few ones to have it all – and all just because of money.

It is OBVIOUS there should be no difference in the conditions that babies are born into – how delusional is to see that we accept to see inequality as one baby being born into a golden crib and another being born into mud and tears? How is this possible? How is it that we see ‘how things are’ and never ever ponder what happened to our Equality?

And yes that’s a line from the Equality Song because we are HERE to make sure that no baby has to see themselves being born into a world where crimes against life are created every single second, where violence is the daily bread fed on the media, where life conditions are decided by paper and coins that are made available only for some, wherein their entire lives are doomed to pay debt, to work as a slave with no ability to overcome their position.

This Must Stop and we are Here as the Key that Changes this Reality into an actual Living Equality as Life For All – because I am not willing to continue living in a world wherein children are born into mud and tears just because we are doing nothing about it and accept inequality as how things are.

Unacceptable.

All Beings are Equal – All Life is Equal – Support the Equal Money System to finally STOP the crimes and abuse against LIFE.

We seriously have to get down to the very basics of understanding 1+1=2

 


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