Tag Archives: realizations

427. Walking through the Fear of Making a Decision




OBSERVE yourself in that moment ob-SERVE, serve yourself with some awareness through observation, in the moment MOVE yourself to ask “why am I allowing the mind to be more than me/a decision to change here?” and then do a forgiveness / breathing to stand and not accept/allow the thoughts/emotions to take over


There has been a couple of situations lately where I accepted fear as a limitation to move and direct myself here, I created a situation of secrecy based on the fear of being judged for the decisions I’ve made in my life. This is not a new situation, it is a pattern and it was interesting to see how I feared making a decision based on the past experiences upon similar decisions and the consequences it created, but in the end I didn’t realize that it was myself that had made those decisions and that the consequence was not really an outflow imposed by others, but actually created by myself and the nature of my decision.

In this I can share that when making decisions in our lives, it is important to not allow our own projected judgment to take over about what ‘others’ will think/say/conclude about one’s decision, it should not matter. This is about oneself being fully aware of and willing to stand in self-responsibility upon making a decision in one’s life, to equate all possible outcomes and have the ability to face the outflows of it, not only in terms of willing oneself to take responsibility for it, but in practical physical reality terms which includes physical bodies, money, world-system considerations, the minds and experiences of the people involved in such decision and whoever else in the environment will be affected by it. Many times we make decisions based on fears and desires and that is not the best way to approach a decision.


A decision is then the end result of having assessed all the possible outflows of a situation, considering who and what will be affected by such decision, to ensure that it is not driven by an emotion or a feeling, but by a set of principles that one is willing to stand by and apply at all times from the moment of making a decision to take a certain step in one’s life and on. Many times we first make a decision based on a ‘hunch’ or on a desire or fear – which is the same anyways, driven by an energetic experience – and only later, after the decision is settled,  do we assess what is actually doable and possible in physical reality and what kind of things we actually need to make such decision a reality – this is how we mostly trap ourselves in our decisions, by not considering all the outflows of it and ensuring one is willing to walk through them and ensuring that no matter what, one has the ability to stand up and remain directive.


So, I went through a process of keeping a significant decision in my life secret. Why? Well because I projected ideas, beliefs and fears about what others would think of such decision in my life based on past experiences. Where did this lead me to? It led me to then have to walk through my self-created ‘fear’ of having to for once and for all ‘reveal’ or ‘expose’ such decision to the people I had created a ‘fear’ of exposing it to, and the outcome was that it wasn’t as anything that I had created/expected in my mind. I realized in that moment what a big deal I had made and how in fearing ‘what others would say’ about it, I was in fact getting distracted from what actually matters: it is not about ‘others,’ it is never about what ‘others’ would think or say, this is of course about my life and the lives of those involved in this decision. I once again saw how ‘easy’ it is to in the mind get distracted with these seemingly ‘torturing’ experiences of keeping secrets and deciding to not have anyone else to reference a decision with; in a way it is a risk to decide on certain things and not reference them with anyone else, I decided to do that and realized that what I required was me willing to stand by it and learn from it whatever it may bring.  

In this, I would recommend to not fall into the ‘blowing things out of proportion’ that the mind is keen on creating about the result and outflow of confronting such decisions or even sharing about such decisions, and rather taking a breath and walk through the resistance to share something, to face that ‘fear of being judged’ and realize that a judgment does not really do ‘anything’ to us, because whichever point we are fearing to hear about others, we should have first worked with and assessed within ourselves first. Like, for example, seeing: what am I actually fearing to hear from others as feedback upon my decision? And in that rather exploring such ‘fears’ I have and understand them as an outflow of my own doubts, of my own judgments, of my own uncertainties which I should then clarify for myself first, instead of projecting them as potential situations coming from others toward ‘me.’

In fact, one can only fear ‘what others would say’ if one has not yet fully grounded oneself in such decision and is 100% certain on it, and this is how one inkling of doubt taken on as a general doubt toward the decision can be blown out of proportion and made much more than what it practically should be: a process of walking the decision and taking on ‘the points’ that emerge with it and as a result of it moment by moment.

One thing that is always great to recognize is that whatever I bring to my life, is my responsibility and no one else’s, it is my own set of choices that I will have to stand up to and walk through, and in this is also cool to be aware of fearing taking certain risks, failing, making mistakes, bringing undesired consequences, but I have also realized that many times I have fallen for being over-analyzing everything and as such not really taking any risks, which many times leads to stagnation and general limitations based on – once again – rather avoiding undesired outcomes and consequences. But, we would not move as much in life if we constantly held up these fears as reasons to not do things, this is all about being able to measure ‘who am I’ in this decision? what is my starting point within it? what are the potential outflows by me taking this decision? Who am I affecting with my decisions? Have I considered what to do in potential situations that become challenging throughout walking that decision? And so walk the point in self-responsibility and at all times reminding myself that: I made this decision therefore, I assume all the responsibility and outflows that come from it.

In this then, making a seemingly ‘risky’ decision can become at the same time also a point for self-empowerment, where I can prove to myself what I am able to walk through or ‘confront’ myself and others in certain situation and if mistakes arise or ‘failures’ come up, I will only be able to go back to the drawing board and learn from it, seeing what I didn’t take into consideration  based on reality and so seeing where my decision was clouded by a certain desire or fear or any other illusion that was not grounded in physical reality.

It is also then cool to strip our decisions from any fears, doubts and projected expectations about it all, as these are all mind elements that are not necessary to be considered when actually walking a decision and making it work.

Change in our lives is something we are programmed to fear the most and resist the most, we don’t like our ‘little bubbles’ of idleness and status quo to be challenged and changed, and if we look at where this has led us in the world system, it is to stagnation in devolution: only getting worse because we’ve feared to stand up and make serious decisions that involve and require absolute self-responsibility and willingness to walk through the choices we make, even if they mean going ‘the wrong way,’ we can only learn as we fall and create another way to stand up again.  This life is our educational ground and whichever decision we make in our lives, it is best to prepare oneself to fully face it and acknowledge the outflows of it, ensuring one is clear from any mind experience around it and so be able to stand through it not only ‘for the moment’ but as a general process of decision-making steps that lead to a particular outcome generally defined as a new experience in one’s life, a new situation, another ‘phase’ which we usually would not lead ourselves into.  

So it really only takes one moment to make a decision to walk through the seemingly overwhelming and nerve-wracking fear that seems to be overpowering oneself and just do it. , It was funny the day after I faced this point I was laughing at myself after I ‘faced my fear’ and was asking to myself ‘wtf was that?’ because it was such a ‘throwback experience’ to the who I was in the past in similar situations. Fortunately I was able to be supported back at the same time and so this assisted me in realizing what a mindfuck that was so, it is a point I share here to understand that the mind’s job is to blow things out of proportion, at all times: it feeds off from conflict.  We can only be grateful to fall flat back on the ground and realize what a big deal one makes out of something.

In any case, we can always remind ourselves that whichever judgment or experience another creates about one’s decision, such judgment or experience is about themselves and their own mind/judgments only, which is a basic aspect to consider as well. In this then one should then consider at the meaningful feedback that can be obtained not as a ‘judgment’ but as feedback that one can use to take into consideration, to assess within ourselves if it is in fact supportive and necessary to reflect back upon it.

So instead of fearing others’ judgment about our decisions, it is to rather ask oneself what is this fear of mine reflecting back to me about the decision I’ve made? What am I not entirely clear about? What am I fearing about my decision? Then it is not about ‘others’ and what they might say or think about ‘myself’ and ‘my decision,’ but about oneself only, it is entirely our responsibility to face our lives, our decisions, our ‘choices’ and this way, it will be much easier to share one’s decision, once that one has walked through self-forgiving the multiple scenarios and ideas and ‘what ifs’ and rather ‘arm’ oneself with necessary principles to face one’s decision, assess physical reality and so stand by what one decides upon in self-responsibility, realizing that the decision is not a ‘once off’ situation, but rather a continuous living of such decision which in all cases we can always learn more about ourselves, others and living in general.


Thanks for reading


Fear based Decisions - Living Choices

Transcending Fear of Animals at the Farm

I read Cenk’s blog on ‘Fear of Animals’ and it caught my attention as I faced the same point – and proabably still will have to face at a later stage – with regards to animals as I realized how I had acquired such fears towards animals due to judgments passed on by my parents, specifically my mother – my father with regards to them being not clean/smelling bad/disastrous and my mother just because she probably had some bad experiences with dogs and other animals as a kid, being chased and so forth so then she would be frightened by animals and she passed on those fears on to us which I then obviously accepted as myself and lived with the idea that I didn’t like animals that much, I wasn’t really attracted to them and I would mostly only get bits of that when visiting my cousins (all three of them are biologists) and having to watch animal planet – though I still disregarded, saw them as yes ‘awesome creatures’ but just by knowledge and information, not really ever getting to live with one. That changed when we finally were able to get dogs once again – I did have one that I adored a mini toy at age 3 though he was a disaster and my parents ended up sending him away – and from there it was only around 2004 around there that my sister’s bf got her a dog and she’s still alive Moka– and then Shakti who arrived few months before I got into process around october 2007 lol I was still into researching hinduism at that time hence the name – lolol – and so dogs became ‘ok’ and acceptable in my house, my parents now take care of Shakti as their daughter so that’s awesome really, it’s been a great support with them after having an empty nest all of a sudden.

Then going to the farm was obviously the ‘test’ towards such fears towards animals – dogs are ok definitely mostly all my life they’ve been ‘my favorite animal’ lol because it was the only one I had been in contact with – and then first fear/resistance transcended was towards cats because I thought myself to dislike them, obviously never having been with a cat before in such close contact – I slept in the ‘cat lounge’ as it was called back then lol so, I would be having several cats sleeping around to which I became used to quite fast enough as I realized my fears weren’t actually real but passed-on fears of my mother which I then took as ‘myself, my preference’. Bs! lol – then I became very fond of the cats and till this day just pictures remain as I don’t have any cats around here and I literally got to know few of the now ‘older cats’, to see how each one have their own ways and habits and likes and dislikes – fascinating and I enjoyed that tremendously really, I couldn’t believe myself when I ended up having boxes around my room just to have cats hang around in the room throughout the day and night – awesome and also cool how cats would go on to everyone’s room, supporting everyone to have that constant company, really fascinating beings the same as dogs

Then Horses were a different story as I had a huge resistance to work with them and it was the point where I revealed myself that I wasn’t standing one and equal to them and that I was refusing to support them due to Fear indeed, I feared the horses and thus within my mind I created all types of excuses of why I wasn’t ‘capable’ of taking care of a horse – I have to say that if there’s something that it has actually taken me great effort is to get to get rid of such fear – and I actually did experience constant threats of for example having the horse trying to bite me in the beginning which would obviously ignite my fears and wanting to give up taking care of the horse – so it was one of the points where I was literally pushed to ‘snap out of it’ by Bernard in such a way that I’ll never forget, that entire mind possession that I had was quite extensive which I had to direct and thus live my self forgiveness, literally, no magic wand, directing myself, walking through the huge resistance I had built until it vanished and I was simply ‘doing the work’ that was required and it was only after a long time that I started kind of enjoying taking care of them – it was until I got to Polo – Andrea’s horse – that I got quite comfortable with him and my ‘highlight’ was being able to run along with him for a bit when taking him back to the stables lol that was so liberating, having fears of ‘oh you may stumble and fall’ just removed and being free in that moment – thus I realized how I had actually had to walk the entire correction, the entire manifested consequence in several ways of my initial fear towards horses, my resistance to support the horses which then became another ‘standing up for life’ point in supporting the horse one and equal.

Within that there was definitely many fears confronted like fears of snakes which then I saw one of them getting into our room which stood there for several hours until mr. animal-friendly Gian was able to take it out and so I was relieved but manifested my fear towards snakes appearing and having that one guest in the room pfff that was not cool at all – and thus why I said in the beginning that I’ll probably have to face more points also when talking to Leila today about Anu and Enki – lol the lizards – and how I’d have to face my fear towards them. So I read Cenk’s vlog and thought this as myself as well and how I can’t imagine living in the same room with such beings so – and other animals such as getting comfortable with rats for example – spiders were also like beings that I kind of feared and thus also transcended point at the farm when living with one on top of my bed literally on top of my face for long time.

The point to face was the Horse, such magnificent animals that I went from fear to actual recognition of who they are as equals as myself yet really amazing for what they are and what they’ve endured within their lives and design.

I must say I do miss the cats lol I had a more direct contact with them for longer time than dogs with whom I would usually just hang out for a while or throwing the eternal ball to timeless – 

The DesteniFarm is definitely the place to be to face the relationships we’ve created towards all beings, all nature, to test ourselves in our standing in every single form, every single way, it’s the most constant learning experience I’ve had in my entire life, actual living skills, actual living experiences to stop separation, to stop fears, to face my fears, to work through fears, to stand and then direct simply within common sense.

I am grateful for that experience which changed my life and everything I had been up to that point, every limitation I thought of myself was opened up for me to still walk through here as myself.

on other points today


I had quite a cool moment of realization after listening to the interview

Radical Relationships as Creative Force first of all I recommend anyone to listen to the interview because many small gaps that may exist within this process are clarified there – and so afterwards I noticed how that interview had definitely left this point of acquired-realization let’s call it that with regards to the Physical Process that we’re actually walking and how it is actually simplicity of getting ourselves back to ourselves – so I made a vlog on that.

For a moment I’ve realized many points specifically with regards to my family and how for a long time I actually separated-myself from them in my stance of ‘walking process’ when in fact today I realized that it is about seeing everyone as equal though it’s definitely not to separate ourselves from our family – probably someday we’ll have to face even our ‘friends’ and I realized how even after all if any person in my life suddenly would decide to talk and share I would be completely open to it as there is nothing I could hold as a grudge against anyone really – all that required to be sorted out I am sorting out within myself and as such I walk.

The essence of what I experienced today in terms of what I heard is gratefulness as I see myself and who I was and where I could probably be if I hadn’t stumbled upon Desteni and it would be completely irrelevant, stuck into a single point wanting to ‘change the world’ yet probably not being that change myself. Then I saw one of the first letters I sent to Desteni wherein I was rather desperate trying to figure out what Desteni was about, got cool support by Talamon and from there the rest is history – I’m biting my inferior lip which is something about receiving so- gratefulness is directed here as myself, not only towards ‘receiving from others’ but realizing that within receiving I am giving equally back and that’s the principle I stand for – and so from there till this point it’s been quite a ride lol that I’m certainly grateful for anyone that is standing Equally in this process – this is all I ever required to realize I am not alone in this, that I am not a crazy lunatic that wants to do something for this world – so yes, grateful for everyone equally.


This is ti, thanks for reading.


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