Tag Archives: rebel

423. Proof that I’ve been Mind Controlled

 

Following through a bit with this ‘happiness’ redefinition, I would not have been able to be comfortable in opening up this word to redefine if I hadn’t looked at a key aspect that I’ve been noticing for quite some time in walking this process of removing/stopping past self-definitions.

This became clearer when I shared in a podcast I called Doing Good = Uncool? about how currently there is a tendency to deem everything that is rebellious and antagonistic as ‘cool’ and everything that is supportive, disciplined and orderly as ‘uncool’ – and the way I found out that this mostly was a personal perception is when I attempted to find pictures on Google images that would depict this type of construct or judgments upon what I had seen as ‘cool’ and ‘uncool,’ there were no pictures for me to depict that! So that made it obvious that I had to rather look at it from a very personal manner instead and ended up creating my own ‘picture’ to depict the kind of perception I had held within me.

 

Cool vs uncool

 

My previous attempt in life was to become what I defined and believed to be a ‘cool’ person, so just because I had gotten so much bashing/criticism from my peers while growing up for always being ‘the straight A’ person in school and so being defined as nerdy for that and ‘tight’ or ‘uncool,’ I focused on finding ways to shake those definitions off by being very specific in the type of ‘person/personality’ I would become. This is how I decided to pick and integrate aspects that I could deem were going ‘against the grain,’ so to speak, against the expectations that I perceived everyone had around me. This influenced everything of me, the way I would dress/look, act, speak, the topics I would bring up, the kind of books I read, the kind of music I’d listen to, the way I would relate to people, to my family etc.  And TV was a great source of ‘inspiration’/dormant brainwashing for that, as I have shared here previously that I mostly grew up watching MTV and so there I shaped all my preferences toward everything and everyone that seemed to ‘challenge’ the status quo, to go against the flow and step out of the ‘schemes’ in one way or another, or be intimidating toward others, as a way to ‘challenge the establishment’ or being in a constant ‘defense mode,’ which is a ‘trendy’ way to actually hide the fear that instigates these ‘hardass’ personalities.

Little did I know that this was part of a greater scheme of social engineering to have kids grow up aspiring to be ‘rockstars’ or ‘artists’ and had nothing to do or no sense of responsibility to this world, but instead define all things ‘rebellious’ and ‘antagonistic to the system’ as being super cool.

So, this is how I then became what I could define as a disciplined rebel, because it’s not like I started slacking at school, I actually proved that I could still ‘pull out a straight A’ without even studying at times, just by being very attentive in class and so using my ‘wits’ to challenge professors and classmates alike – lol, I was really in for being like a typical dissident in many ways and deem that as cool, even if for others it wasn’t, to ‘me’ that was the definition of ‘being an outcast’ and enjoying myself within that because of seeing myself as ‘special,’ as having ‘no trend’ without realizing it was a trend and it was becoming more and more common in order to get people reacting, being angry and antagonistic against everything and everyone, just to remain in perpetual conflict and never looking at solutions.

Of course nowadays doing this type of ‘dissidence’ has become like the norm and it’s no longer as ‘shocking’ as it was some 10 years ago, which is how I’ve seen a fascinating shift in the perception of ‘values’ and the role that the media/TV has had on twisting people’s ideas of ‘what they want to do with their lives’ and what they find as ‘cool’ or ‘uncool’ by imposing a ‘new’ morality that claims openness, sexual liberation and ‘independence’ but it’s all just a false idea of empowerment through antagonism – been there, done that, doesn’t work!

So this is why I then saw that everything I deemed as ‘uncool’ was in fact that which was in fact supportive: to be self-responsible, to be disciplined, to be non-antagonistic, to have a ‘clean’ presentation of oneself, to not be destructive, to not bash or blame others, etc. This included a very key aspect that had prevented me from realizing I could live the word ‘happiness’ in fact, because I had associated happiness with people being fully blind and not seeing reality, I deemed it as a dirty word that could only be used to define an ever elusive utopia that we were too far away from or impossible of ever creating even. I deemed that anyone that could call themselves ‘happy’ were absolutely disingenuous and blinded from reality. So it is in this judgment that I then prevented me from even considering looking at this word ‘happiness’ for myself, meaning investigating ‘who I was’ toward this world, how I could live it in a self-honest manner; I was in a way still holding on to the ‘image’ or ‘idea’ of myself as still ‘challenging the system’ and being cool in that, but in no way wanting to get to what I had defined as ‘being a positive thinker’ of sorts by talking about things like ‘being happy,’ or creating a ‘happy future for everyone’ lol.

 

 

 

All of these are just judgments and perceptions wherein I was in fact denying to myself being able to expand my living into seeing the word happiness and not link it to some nerdy-good-doer type of personality as my own mind construct, as my own past definitions that came through ‘judgments’ that I refused to be or become at others’ eyes. In fact now that I can speak about it and define me in the process of creating happiness within myself and my world, I no longer see something pulling out inside me as a ‘NOOO what the hell are you talking about!!?’ type of reluctant backchat that would come within me whenever anyone talked about ‘being happy’ or aiming at being happy in this world. A part of me really, really rejoiced experiencing and living in misery, gloom and doom which is a whole construct that I’ve been debunking throughout the years in this process, and along with that discovering what I was preventing me from acknowledging as part of my living potential, just because I had defined it as ‘uncool’ lol, and going ‘against my personality.’

What are personalities really but locks and cells wherein we believe we would ‘get out of character’ if we challenge such self-definitions and preferences and dare to think outside of our box – it’s really all a mind job wherein we hold on to ‘past definitions’ of who we are and in that we lock ourselves in one way or another from being able to fully embrace our living potential, which is not at all about being a ‘good person’ now instead of an ‘evil one,’ not at all –  it’s about recognizing words for the expression they are and can be when lived in self-honesty, and no longer about words that hold relationships to pictures, ideas, personalities or preferences as they exist in the world system.

 

In this, I realize that if we are to genuinely become the living word, we have to expunge ourselves from any limitation, any self-delimitation/definition that keeps us locked into a phoney idea of ‘who we are,’ which becomes a constricted character that is still defined by attitudes, behaviors, preferences, personality traits and so forth which are all part of the egos we believe we are. So it’s always a matter of asking oneself: what do I accept and allow to define me and my every moment in this world? What am I still holding on to with preventing me from living this word – such as ‘happiness’- as myself? Why had I defined this word as uncool and a pure sham? What am I missing out when dismissing living a world that is actually able to be lived and constructed in a self-honest manner?

Seems that self-sabotage is the only answer as to why we prevent us from digging out the corpses that prevent us from give ourselves a real blank-slate to create our lives, free from the past, I mean why would I want to hold on to an idea of ‘who I should be’? To be liked by ‘certain kinds of people’ only? Because I wanted to get along and ‘attract’ similar people – but would I then be even ‘attracting’ real and genuine people or only other similar characters that focus on getting along with similar characters in their lives to remain locked in the same characters forevermore?

Time to break the shell of one’s personality in all ways and challenge it further, and to me having to be speaking of solutions, focusing on looking at practical reality outcomes and how I can be a living example of doing this would have been like an ‘uncool’ thing to do in the past, because I was following the bashing/ rebelling trend, lol, not considering that I was really on my way to be a self-defined pariah that wanted to be special and ‘cool’ through abdicating all responsibility to myself and my world, because ‘oh it was ‘so cool’ to only bash the world and do nothing about it.’ ´

My suggestion is to watch out for this kind of thinking construct, even more so when this kind of ‘attitude’ is shaping lots of youngsters mindsets with ‘life mottos’ such as Y.O.L.O You Only Live Once and ‘living life on the fast lane,’ being the most ‘rebel’ and ‘darky’ and ‘antagonistic’ to precisely avoid youngsters genuine awareness of how they can contribute to creating life, a better future for all – and instead remain in an abysmal and gloomy outlook on life, because in that way you get discouraged from ‘doing something about it’ and so, it’s most profitable to seek ‘happiness’ or fulfillment through trends, drugs, partying and sex than doing anything genuinely supportive in one’s life.

And so, this is then a general self-awareness point wherein this ‘live fast, die young , don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone, do drugs, have sex with as many as you can and enjoy the rock and roll’ type of mentality is seen as ‘the ultimate cool’: It is not, and that’s why there’s such a vast amount of disarray and mental/physical problems in young adults that follow this ‘trends’ that actually start from TV, from so called ‘alternative books’ as well as it happened in my case.

 

Here’s an invitation to look at yourself, where is it that you are still a product of social-engineering brainwashing through the media and ‘culture’ in terms of personalities, likes-dislikes, preferences, the ‘type of people’ you’ve perceived yourself to be and all the points that go ‘against your character’ that you have refrained yourself from openly investigating. I would not have been able to get to this conclusion if I hadn’t walked the process of deconstructing ‘me’ as a personality and so link the dots to see why I had a slight reaction to even talk about ‘happiness’ before.

 

Life is not about becoming a character that seeks to be the ultimate cool and ‘rebellious,’ that’s the illusion of freedom SOLD as an EXPERIENCE.

Genuine and real freedom from mind control is to take responsibility for oneself, to actually not allow oneself to be brainwashed into ‘trends’ or following what the masses think is ‘cool’ which at the moment is ‘the masses think being a rebel is cool’ which is then of course not at all an actual ‘threat’ any longer, lol, it never has been! Think of the punk movement as being part of social engineering in Britain to exacerbate youngster’s addictions and dissociation from taking responsibility in their society, because drug addicts and an impaired society is more easy to control than healthy, self-aware and ‘unbrainwashable’ individuals, which is what we have to now focus on being and becoming – mind control is only possible if we accept it and allow it.

So, are you mind controlled?

 

Unhooking Past Definitions

 

Cool blog to read on re-approaching Happiness:

Why I First Resisted The Relationship of Happiness to Money – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 653

 

Oldie:

2012 Destonians Take Over the World: The New Culture of LIFE

 

Read people recognizing their self creation abilities – including the redefinition of happiness – in the 7 Year Journey to Life blogs

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.

Advertisements

‘The Outcast’: self-imposed tag

I  have found and realize that I used to judge and dislike people that would place tags upon others – I didn’t realize that I was in fact doing exactly the same, no only within my secret mind toward others in an automated way, but toward myself as a ‘choice’ within the suit that I wore as a personality.

I read very interesting realizations on Bella’s blog Relationships as Limitation Bubbles & Fear as Self-Abuse which ties in with a point that I have also lived throughout my life and it was only last night that I realized how we have projected onto others our own acceptance, perceiving ourselves to be rejected or even fearing being rejected which can only exist if self-acceptance is not in place.

I remember my mother talking to me when I went through a ‘difficult time’ of facing being bullied in school and becoming very sad and worried about it, and she would say ‘don’t care about what others say, whatever they think and say to you is only about themselves,’ and this supported me for a while and made me ‘stronger’ in a way – however only as temporary fix because the origin of the point was not sorted out, which was self-acceptance. I was only 7 or 8 years old then, so this wasn’t even within my ‘frame of reference’ at the time.

 

When going into junior school/ secondary school, I began struggling with going into a bigger school and seeing how people had these different ‘groups’ that would not talk to each other. I came from a school wherein the last year of elementary school we were less than 10 in the class, and we would all talk to each other and hang out together. Thus going from this small group into a group of almost 40 -in a generation of 6 groups – certainly broadened my perspective of how people would behave in terms of ‘friends’ and having their particular ‘gangs’ so to speak. I would talk to most of the people in my class, however I still would avoid not talking to some that I had judged for whatever idea of myself I had as ‘not being compatible’ with them, mostly based on preferences/ personality and level of ‘intellect’ which was another point that I would use as a means of separation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from people based on how I could ‘get along with them’ or not in relation to ‘intellect’ and being able to relate to others within the starting point of identifying myself as a certain personality

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discriminate others based on the idea of ‘intellect’ and comparing myself to others and within that, deciding ‘who I would talk to’ in relation to how I would classify people in terms of them being ‘intelligent’ or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an intellectual elitist wherein I would avoid talking/ getting along with beings that I deemed as slower/ dumb without realizing that in that I had become my own personal-limit to get along with others in means of conviviality.

 

What I realized last night is how I had gone through a process of being ‘left out’ of a group of friends and went through the fear of having to spend recess time alone – which is something that petrified me at that time –  and how I eventually did the same ‘segregation process’ toward others. It’s fascinating to see how in my mind I was ‘the victim of those that didn’t accept me’ but in fact, I had done the exact same thing not only in school, but with people in my family and virtually with any person walking down the street that I would immediately profile and decide if I could ‘talk to that person’ or not, all based on my own preferences/ likes and ideas of myself. I had disregarded the fact that I was also doing the same that had been done onto me, yet I justified it with my self-belief of ‘not everyone being able to get along’ and having the ability to choose who to talk to or not.

 

We become our own dictators within our self-regime of who we like, who we judge, why we judge and vindicate all of that because of being a particular ‘personality,’ which in my case was also a perceived ‘odd one’ that found her place within such category, and eventually accepted by others within that same tag. And this was not only with ‘classmates’ -even though school was the main ‘realm’ I lived through within my life – but also toward family members or any other being that I would then decide I would like or dislike. I would be very judgmental and laconic, almost ‘rude’ when expressing with people that I had decided I would Not want to talk to for the reasons mentioned previously, and I can remember this experience as a ‘knowing’ that they simply wanted to communicate and talk – yet in my dictatorship they would not ‘fit in’ within the type of people I wanted to hang out with – so I would avoid replying or following a conversation with them. However, I wore the suit of ‘being the solitary one’ as a defense and excuse to actually be able to decide who do I talk to and who I don’t in terms of ‘closer relationships.’

 

It was interesting because I could talk to people, but when it came to having ‘close friendships’ I had none, not until high school with one person in my entire generation.I became judgmental and/ or ‘picky’ and created this idea of myself as ‘knowing better’ than them, eventually only ostracizing me to the point of spending my time alone, just having a ‘bad time’ every time that I was not in class until I eventually got used to it for the lack of a better experience.

 

The point with all of this is realizing how within my mind I was ‘rejected’ but in fact, I was the only one that had created such self-imposed rejection and separation through my own value schemes. I became very aware that the moment that I found ‘someone’ that I could ‘relate to’ based on how we profile relationships and types of people, I was extremely open and enthusiastic about talking and sharing, it was almost an immediate ‘friendship’ that I’m now aware was one of those necessary preprogrammed points in order for me to get into various experiences later on in my life.  However the point of recognition between both of us came through this self-ejected stance wherein we would believe ourselves to be ‘outcasts,’ yet we were the only ones that had ejected ourselves, simply because of being existing in an almost elitist way toward the rest of the people. And I’m sure that this  is how it works. Even the ‘outcasts’ had their group and would look at you weird if you dared to talk to them – lol I remember this and realized how weird it was that people that perceived themselves to be ‘rejected’ would actually reject another from approaching them. But I did the same so –  it has been the way we have ‘accepted’ social-relationships to function, which is quite fucked up to say the least.

 

So, high school to me was the time wherein I went from being quite an uncomfortable loner to a ‘loner’ that had been able to integrate and share and speak with everyone in my class. I would not ‘hang out with them,’ but I deliberately would talk to everyone. I realized that I had antagonized myself toward the ‘beautiful people’ and I actually learned quite a cool ‘lesson’ once that I opened up and communicated with them. It was funny because they had accepted me as this ‘rebel’ and I had accepted them as the ‘pretty people.’ One of those girls once told me something along the lines of ‘just because you perceive ourselves to care about how we look and are shallow doesn’t mean that we are stupid.’ I realized in that moment how I had in fact placed myself as ‘above them’ all the time and that they had just voiced out the backchat that I had held as ‘tag’ on them  and they knew, and they accepted that as a fact, and we would still talk in the classroom.

 

I have to bring up the point that this is a Jesuit school and there’s people with loads of money the same as people that do not have that much money and I was just in between.  Money would be a factor that decided ‘who’s who’ within school – however the education was based in us recognizing our ability to work together, communicate and not discriminate one another. That was a very cool aspect about it because it did support us to leave our ‘differences’ aside when it came to getting along, this made our conviviality a lot easier, even if being around 37 people in class.

 

I had a specific relationship that went from absolute hate to a very cool acceptance or even ‘school friendship’ with someone that dared to challenge my ‘self righteousness.’ He was part of the ‘rich people’ that I had judged as too ‘cocky’ and believing himself to be ‘more’ than the rest, which was the point that absolutely vexed me – never realized I was doing the exact same thing of course.

I’m actually grateful about the policies in that school. Somehow because I was a ‘good student’ and I had a history of being ‘isolated,’ our counselor called me to her office one day when we were about to finish the first year in high school and asked me ‘who do you want to be with in your next year’s class and who do you Don’t want to be with? So I only gave the name of one or two girls that I could work well and get along with in terms of school work – when I had to choose the person I did  Not want to be with, I chose this guy, stating that I could not stand his guts. From that moment on, I remained with those girls for all three years of high school, but also with the same guy, which was quite a cool move from our counselor even though I had expected to not see him again for the remainder of my stance in that school. This allowed me to face my fear of having to ‘deal with him’ in my class.

 

What happened is that because were deliberately placed in the same class, we worked out our differences through actually communicating. We stopped sitting in opposite sides of the class and eventually would sit close so that we could talk and debate about stuff from life, school, politics. Eventually I learned a lot from him, I realized that we were able to work together in school works and place our preferences aside when it came to working in teams. At the end of high school in our final ‘spiritual retirement,’ we both forgave our initial hatred toward each other and recognized our mutual appreciation and learning-process within walking through the ‘hatred’ point toward each other in front of the entire generation. I realized how much I had judged him and how much he had judged me essentially because of having stepped onto each others’ toes all the time, just because of how we perceived each other to be as ‘different personalities’ or types of people or ‘too opinionated’ lol. That was a cool moment because to me, he had represented ‘hell’ and someone I could not ‘stand’ at all, and in the end he became probably a ‘good friend.’

 

We supported each other in one way or another to get a notch down from our ego and self-righteousness, we both walked through the resistance, cease the fear and judgment and eventually end up appreciating each other. Sounds like a cool story – and I’m quite sure that if this was able to be worked out with everyone in this world, things would really change. I guess that was a very specific case wherein I allowed myself to get to know a being, in spite of how we were ‘opposite personalities’ and our world/ reality/ lives were apparently ‘too different’ – however when placing that aside, we realized that communication does not have to be based on relating to each other’s preferences and ‘lifestyles,’ but actually talking about stuff that relates to all. He’s a lawyer at the moment and he is from a family of politicians. I would tease him saying that when he would be the president, he should give me a project to paint somewhere or do some artwork for a governmental building, lol.

 

Alright, wrote a lot on that,  but that’s part of my realizations of how I lived this ‘isolation’ simply because I had chosen it, I had imposed it onto myself because I eventually realized it was all my own creation and deliberate decision to ‘not fit in’ because I had created myself as ‘not wanting to fit in’ – it really wasn’t like something that was suddenly imposed onto me = I created it, and it was mostly from this idea of being superior/ knowing better/ being better by myself.  At the end of school, when my only friend wasn’t there any longer, I would just stay in a place wherein I could watch the sunset and read a book. I wasn’t feeling ‘rejected’ any longer, it had become a ‘decision’ still based on personality, however I wasn’t uncomfortable about it in that moment, because I would be talking more to people while being in class.

 

Things changed when hanging out with people outside of school. Suddenly I was not being ‘accepted’ because of being able to talk and relate to others in school terms, but this was about personal relationships that one develop as friendships based entirely on personality – no practical ‘teamwork’ here. And that’s where the oddity began for real, because even though I was able to ‘choose’ who to hang out with, I went through a face of fearing losing such relationships –  until I faced my ‘biggest fear’ which was losing these people, being ‘once again alone.’ And, for the most part, I’ve been ‘alone’ for the past 5 years –except one year when I went to the farm – wherein my life was simply going to school, having the regular interactions with people in class and that’s it. I never went to a single ‘party’ in college and that might be as odd as can be, but I wasn’t simply interested in that.  A ‘fear’ of ‘having missed the entire art school experience’ comes only now that I’m done with it, fearing that I didn’t use the opportunity to the maximum to actually develop skills there, but only ‘went through it’ mostly because of placing all my focus and attention to the process we’re walking here – however this is only a mind fear, as in ‘being missing out the party/ missing out on life’ which is something that took me quite a while to grasp, simply because of that same idea of ‘living through experiences.’

 

When stopping friendships and relationships, I realized that I had to now face myself after having feared losing everyone – even if ‘they’ meant 3 people or 4 to the max – and stand alone.

 

For the past almost 2 years I have been alone and I see it as a necessary time to get comfortable in that aloneness, simply because of how much I had feared it yet desired it at the same time. It’s an odd game that we play wherein in fact we all seek to be able to get along with each other and we can only ‘fear’ it because of other fears, judgments, even being used to ‘being alone’ as well, which I can recognize wherein at times I simply wanted to be alone again when being with lots of people. Entering a relationship in fear of losing it is already something that I can recognize going through as well.

So within all of these fears and eventually facing them in real-life, I was able to recognize the energetic addictions that we develop toward either being alone/ not being alone as a point of self-definition, an experience that we feed as ourselves which keeps us bound to one pole or the other, instead of standing within this point of self-acceptance as an individual = alone – yet the point is to stop the experience of ‘loneliness’ which has been quite a process for me. And I had only lead me to a single spot: getting to a point of self-acceptance, self-enjoyment that I had realized I could experience after having been so addicted to/ attached to living my ‘life’ through and with others and being constantly seeking our ‘next greatest excitement’ through various ways.

 

I stopped avoiding being alone and embraced that point as an ability to appreciate myself, which I hadn’t done before, even when ‘being accepted by others’ I would take that as an ‘add on’ to my self-appreciation, never ‘gave it to myself/ accepted it as myself’ so to speak. And now, I am starting to realize that it is only within this starting point of self-agreement as self-appreciation, self-acceptance standing alone that I see how these dependencies to either being accepted/ rejected, being ‘in’ or ‘out’ of a particular social context was only existent within me as a self-imposed limitation based on my personality/ ego as preferences, judgments and essentially the ‘elitist’ eye that I would view everyone with, wherein I would deliberately decide who do I mingle with and who do I just ‘talk to in means of not generating enemies’ which was another story.  I went through making sure that I would talk to everyone in order to not generate any antagonism as the one that I had experienced with the guy that I wrote about earlier on. This is how I see politicians functioning at the moment with people, they tend to want to not generate any conflict/ antagonism/ rejection with the people, so they present themselves in a particular way expecting to always be liked, never opposed, even though the opposition becomes an inevitable thing within this world.

 

So – fear of being alone and my various judgments toward people became quite a cool thing to walk through within my life, probably not even realizing much about it because we tend to only keep certain details about our experience of the past in our mind, which makes us either love it or hate it and remove all the actual interactions that might have led to a tiny bit of a change and realization through interacting with people. The point is that if I had not allowed me to, for example, get along with that person that I had judged extensively or even ‘detested’ at some point, I would not have allowed that point of expansion within myself. I remember people asking me ‘how was I able to ‘stand him’?’ because in their mind schemes we were like oil and water and could not fathom us getting along – so that’s an indication how even at the eyes of others based on these same ‘schemes,’ we tend to segregate each other and categorize wherein anything that simply could not ‘get along with each other’ is seen as an aberration within their ideas of ‘how the world should be.’  It was actually quite cool to be vulnerable with each other and get to know that in spite of his perceived ‘fame and fortune,’ he had a really tough time within feeling rejected and hated by most of the people – which was a similar pattern another similar guy once shared with me -which revealed another aspect of how I had been part of those people that despised him simply because of perceiving him as conceited and ‘too cocky’ to give a fuck about anything. But in fact, he dealt with a lot of internal conflict because of how everyone would judge him, without allowing themselves/ ourselves to actually get to know him. So, it was cool getting to see the other side of the coin and break-through those limitations.

 

I share this because to me this was an experience that changed my approach toward beings, allowed me to not discriminate just because of how people would look like or how I would profile them. When getting to college and having various different types of classmates, I was able to get along with most and realized that it could only be a judgment that kept me from speaking with others. And from there and later on in art school, I mostly remained ‘alone’ as in not always being with someone in particular – yet was able to share, talk and enjoy other’s presence. That was definitely also because of already been walking this process and facing all possible judgments on my face.

 

From this perspective I would see myself ‘out of the circuit’ of how people would get along with some and dislike others/ judge others and segregate themselves – it was like me being just ‘there’ and not really playing the game of taking a particular side or antagonize another in particular – as it seemed it sometimes ‘worked’ there. It was actually odd for me to get along with someone and having some other person saying hi to me, yet not saying hi to the other person I was with simply because they had a ‘story’ behind. I simply did not follow through such separation, I would then explain how I would not stop talking to someone based on what others might think about them. It’s fascinating how within a single classroom you get all of these different ‘groupings’ that oppose each other – no wonder how when looking at the world, we have wars manifested out of that single separation that – once again – begins with a point of identification that separates us from the rest, from realizing we are in fact one and equal and have to now establish a conviviality based on Equality.

 

This is how to wrap this up, I agree with Bella and everyone at Desteni on how we have realized that Equality is the solution to all separation in this world, this is the only way that we can in fact sort our differences out not by ‘tolerating them’ or ‘getting along with it’ – but actually self-forgiving them within the realization that they have been specific mechanisms to divide us and in such division, be easily polarized and controlled. Equality means then the actual realization of our full potential if we dare to work as equals. For that, Desteni as a group is already proof of that, wherein a single Life Principle can become the driving force that keeps the cohesive stance of each other as equals.

It is only Equality that can prevail in this world.

 

loneliness1

Read:

Watch:

Check out the Free book about who we are:

 

Visit the Desteni Forum for further support


2012 Self Acceptance

 

We have defined ‘being accepted’ as fitting into the cookie-cutter role-models that we have been taught will lead us to that state of ‘satisfaction/ happiness/ fulfillment,’ wherein we would finally be able to be at ease with ourselves. Being accepted ‘by others’ has become the way for us to usually define self-acceptance – yet it doesn’t have anything to do with how we look, how much money we have, how others see us or even who we are in relation to others.

 

In the beginning was: Separation

It is as if the starting point for us in this world is lacking any form of ‘completion’ as the realization that who we really are is one and equal. Because this is not even considered as one of the basic platforms upon which all education should be placed, we are instead ‘trained’ and inserted within the world that we identify more with a race track than an actual living-ground, only to someday – maybe – get to the finish line wherein all the ‘glory of the world’ will rain down for us.

The starting point for every single human being at the moment is having to manage to ‘get to point A to point B’ wherein for some this implies managing to survive from one day to the other with proper living conditions such as food, water, shelter, clothing – some don’t even get that and some others could afford getting 10000 times that.

This is the world that we live in and within this, self acceptance is conditioned as part of the system wherein all attributes/ additives/ toppings that we use to build-up ‘who we are’ as our personality and ego, will play a definitive role in how we perceive ourselves, how we judge ourselves which eventually become our own projected judgments as ‘how we think others see us’ – which is something like agreeing to play in our own ‘wall street’ roulette as individuals in society, wherein our value will go up or down according to the amount of shareholders we’re able to ‘trap’ with our presentation, our personality, our ‘traits’ and within that, how much of that we eventually become as ‘who we are,’ forgetting any common sense realization of the very basics that stand here as the physical body that we all reading this are existing as.

 

How I walked this initial perspective of ‘self acceptance’ was through looking for relationships, which is mostly propagated and constantly ignited by the media and society, our family and immediate circle of interaction. We learn how we are only ‘someone’ if you engage in a relationship with another human being, which is masking the entire impulse for sex as the usual ‘rite’ to be an active member of society, to be a part of the hype of the world without ever, ever questioning WHY this is so until now.  This is how we then get trapped into the quest to reach such  fulfilled/ happy and apparently satisfied self-experience because of having someone that would approve of ourselves as ‘human beings,’ to eventually quench this thirst that we call ‘living’ as a bundle of experiences = this is NOT what life is.

 

From this, we can see how we have never even known what ‘Self Acceptance’ is, simply because the common place to go to when looking at these words implies not having been living from the starting point of what should have been an inherent part of our education/ upbringing, as the identification/ recognition of who and what we really are as LIFE, as One and Equal. The fact that we have to talk about the very basics of understanding who and what we really are and getting to the point of Self Acceptance as Life, as our physical body here, implies that we have been living in absolute separation from Reality, creating an IDEA of ‘who we are’ which is limited to a certain personality/ego that we ‘wear’ as who we are in order to continue playing the game of seeking this acceptance outside of ourselves – or its reversal/ polarity effect of ‘rejection’ which works in the same way and requires the same effort to ‘keep up’ such stance.

 

There is ‘something missing’

We all have experienced this in one way or another in our lives, we seek all forms of distractions as relationships, friends, drugs, books, music, seeking role models that could embody the idea that we then believe is what ‘being comfortable in your own skin’ would be like, taking only the ‘image value’ that we can get through how we see others, how we believe it is that they are – without ever in fact getting to know what is going on inside such human beings.

We then consume the image-value of what being accepted ‘must be like’ – In my case I associated this mostly with women in your regular alternative music and rock scene from the 90’s wherein I saw the type of strength that I would like to embody, simply because of having been ‘teased’ for being ‘too vulnerable’ as a child – hence we can know that whatever comes as a point of acceptance through wanting to cover up for the a previous accepted and allowed idea of self, is just another ‘suitable character’ as a façade – or even defense mechanism – that can only last for as long as the energy toward it is there.

 

Pseudo-Acceptance

Everything that we ‘become’ as an ego/ personality requires constant food to maintain – just like any other mind-possession that can only last for as long as we continue thinking  – lol, common sense but! it still happens that we don’t even realize the very basics of our self-torturing applications of continuing thinking and feeding all the experiences. Thus the same goes with this pseudo self-acceptance that I experienced wherein I felt more ‘powerful’ for a while while having just covered up with black the previous idea of myself as being ‘easily hurt’ or ‘easily fooled’ – too gullible so to speak. Within this I can see how it was only a temporary mind-job to fix myself for a while until I realized that I had created myself in such a way only to gain a false-sense of strength based solely in an image, which is how I then got to be accepted by others,  having a ‘place in the world’ built around a comfortable spot that I created as a point of contrast to what I would see in my reality.

 

This began within being in a family with other three women – mother and two sisters – wherein I simply vowed to myself not to become like them, which implied avoiding embodying the idea of being what I have judged as ‘social butterflies’ as having this natural ability to be charismatic and liked by people. Within becoming aware of myself as the physical image I see in the mirror, I started developing judgments and comparison toward them which lead me to feel like the odd-part of the entire family, and specifically of the ‘trio’ that we were as sisters.

The moment that I saw myself as unfit to ‘be like them’ and walk the same steps – as well as not wanting to be in the same type of ‘lifestyle’ they were into – I began reinforcing the construction of this safe-boat as the ‘alternative’ one wherein I ensured I had no competition, wherein I didn’t have to create an entire ‘struggle’ within myself in order to keep up with any form of expectations from others/ family/ society according to ‘who I had to be’ as part of my family. I can see now how it is a form of bailing myself out of the unspoken competition through shifting the paradigm of who I was supposed to be, and in that, ensure that no matter what, I’ll have a ‘different spot’ and regard for daring to ‘be different.’ I took this as some form of pride now that I see it, wherein I would then believe myself to be superior to them for having opted a ‘different lifestyle,’ for having dared to leave home to study abroad and other various things that I have defined myself as.

 

Thus, I placed all my effort to create myself as the opposite/ alternative one and in that, I created a form of comfort. I even got to desire being a boy at times, just so that I would not have to deal with the ideal of what I deemed as ‘girly’ type of personality that I judged my sisters for, wherein all the points of self-judgment would form this apparent impediment for me to not be able to stand simply equal and one as myself, but instead ‘opted myself out’ out of such form of unspoken competition by transforming myself into something else. I would then dress with baggy clothes that could resemble an idea of myself as a non-conventional woman at least. 

 

It’s interesting now that I look back at it, I deemed as ‘more valuable’ to be accepted/ liked by others even if not embodying the usual categories of people that would be accepted/ liked by others with particular image-presentations that I had used as a reference point to contrast myself to = becoming the other side of the same coin. We can only take pride on something that we have deliberately created in order to uplift ourselves from a starting point of perceiving ourselves as ‘less than’/ inferior to from the get-go, and in that such ‘superiority’ I developed as judgment in my mind became part of the usual stand toward family and the world in general, thinking that ‘I was right and everyone else is wrong’ which I have also discussed in previous blogs. This is then the entire set up  for that pseudo-acceptance through using personalities to cover up the actual fears and competition games I denied being a part of.

 

So, this became a point of ‘satisfaction’ because of achieving my goal of ‘not being ordinary,’ without ever realizing I was playing the exact same game, yet having killed all possible opponents by default. That’s also probably the reason why I mostly had male friends, so that I wouldn’t have to ‘deal’ with comparing myself to other females – aside from the early teen experiences when I was briefly part of the ‘popular girls’ which seemed too fake for me to deal with, yet I would still see myself as the ‘odd one’ in the picture, literally, which is when I stepped off the bandwagon and created ‘my own way.’

 

A safe spot for Self-Acceptance: get rid of competition

So, that’s how I became ‘me’ and stopped having to deal with any form of perceived rejection from the type of girls that would be in my school at the time, also because I would not agree or even enjoyed everything they wanted to be/ do like flirting, clubbing and the whole lot of things that I simply couldn’t force myself to do just to remain in that circle. So in that, I didn’t ‘bother’ with wanting to be accepted any longer and became a different character so that I would not have to try and fit in.

That’s when I stopped going out with them altogether and resorted into my own world of music, painting, reading and writing some existential woes out alone. Not that I see either point as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ just looking at how I withdrew from such relationships from the definitive starting point of existing within/ as that particular judgment. I guess I ‘didn’t know better’ because of that school being mostly designed to create a particular type of people that I already knew I didn’t want to become – which is your regular capitalist/ leader type of mentality, the ‘winner’ all the way; in a way I wanted to remain as condescending as possible to all that could not fit into that idea, hence becoming the ‘outcast’ myself.

I must recognize that even the choice of career shifted in that point wherein before – around the age of 14 I wanted to be come a financial adviser/ economist or any other career that would ensure I could earn a good amount of money. The moment I created the shift I’ve described thus far, I went for a more ‘bohemian’ type of ideal lifestyle wherein my dreams would still be that of wanting to be recognized/ famous yet from a completely different perspective. 

 

Seeking similar-ties to be ‘accepted’

Eventually the way to accept myself within such a self created character wherein my self-esteem was already diminished and existing within a starting point of seeing myself as ‘inferior’ to the rest of the world, I eventually got to create friendships and relationships that were equally ‘low self-esteemed,’ people that would also appear as if ‘everything is fine’ and appear mostly ‘confident’ within themselves, while in fact inside we were all just quite a bit of a wreck at the time.  When getting into these friendships/ relationships I thought I had found ‘my place in the world’ within the labeled ‘outcasts/ rebels’ in my reality. I guess I was willing to live like that for the rest of my life.

Through this time, I would simply accept that I had ‘low self esteem’ and in that, got along with people that could complain openly about their physical body not being fit – me saying ‘it’s fine’ – yet never daring to open up my own secretive struggle with it as well. So, the point is not to say ‘it’s fine’ or being condescending about any form or image, but getting to the point of seeing where and how we have created such an idea of ourselves – based on who/what, seeing where such values exist.

That was my ‘escaping’ point so to speak, wherein once that we see ourselves/ step ‘out of the game,’ the only thing that’s left seems to take ourselves to the extreme of such self-accepted ‘disqualification.’
Self-Acceptance as the actual physical-equalization never really crossed my mind at that stage, because of the extent that I had neglected my physical body as something I could get to appreciate.

I eventually discovered the fuel that the entire relationship entailed in order to be accepted by others. I realized that I didn’t want to be ‘liked’ for having particular looks and resorted to ‘my own style’ wherein I made sure that anyone that would be ‘interested’ in me, would not see only the image of myself, but would like me for ‘what I am’ which was what I deemed was ‘the real me’ as my mind/ ego/ personality that I had created with such detail and attention.  Fascinatingly, it was doing the exact same thing that I had judged about others in terms of building a particular self-image in order to enter the market, so to speak.

In that, I used myself as a point to ‘catch’ a particular type of people like friends/ relationships and: it worked – it’s not that difficult for us to see how the system works and how to get what we want we have to become it and like-attracts-like, which  is definitely how we work/ function at a mind level. In all of this, where was myself as that point of self-acceptance as my physical body? Nowhere to be found.

 

I lived the ‘accepted by others’ type of acceptance which eventually lead me to live in perpetual fear out of losing such people in my world, because of the idea of myself that I have built of myself toward them as that constant ‘fix’ to keep me ‘uplifted.’ This fear became unbearable at some point,  I would definitely get possessed/ obsessed at an emotional level because I had not actually learned how to accept myself, be with myself, enjoy myself, alone – and for that, the last stages of that crumbling idea of myself came to a final point once I got myself into Desteni and had specific feedback of how I had belittled myself in the following words: 

¨Participating in thoughts, anxiety and fear towards others ‘affairs’ – meaning making your concern about others towards you your own – always worried about ‘your place/position’ within other’s world – fighting to maintain a ‘place’ or ‘position’ in others’ world instead of being comfortable with just you here, alone within your world of you.

So – stop fighting inside yourself, being worried about what others ‘think’ of you and whether you still have a ‘place’ / ‘position’ in others’ lives from the perspective of them still ‘accepting you’, still ‘needing’ you and still ‘wanting’ you.

When are you going to start accepting you, being comfortable with you within and as you – instead of chasing after others, always existing in worry and concern of whether you still ‘fit into’ other’s lives?

Fear of being independent Marlen, fear of being comfortable with you, accepting you – still needing others to accept you, instead of you being acceptance for yourself.

                                                                                                                           – Sarah”

 

This is a cool moment to share this as it’s been quite a walk after almost 4 years of this message being like a ‘bucket of cold water’ to wake up from my constant worry about this point toward people in my world in that moment. That’s when I decided step out of such relationships and began walking the process of ‘self acceptance’ wherein I experienced the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ from not getting such a ‘fix’ from such relationships, simply because they had become everything in ‘my world.’  That’s been ‘the’ point within my process wherein I neglected myself to the extent of not being able to see beyond this relationship, hence fearing the person that I was in a relationship with  would find someone/ anyone else wherein I would see myself as not ‘fit enough.’

That’s how I existed in terms of depositing any form of self-acceptance only through the eyes of another, according to ‘who I was’ in their world.  Ending that particular relationship was the way to ‘get back to myself’ at the beginning of the process – and the rest is history.

 

Walking Self Acceptance

I began applying myself in the process of standing one and equal as my physical body wherein I became aware about the secretive constant strive I would experience in relation to the judgments that I held about myself. I simply had to face this full on at some point in my process while having to openly burst out and accept the fact that I had been judging myself extensively and not really standing as one and equal as my human physical body.

That’s when I realized that I have to first accept myself as my physical body to get to that point of equalization required for any living being to be able to stand within the ‘greater picture’ as a self-realized being = equal and one. This could not possibly be done if existing within such self- judgment – and this is something that is still being walked. I mean, we have to see how we have programmed ourselves throughout our entire lives – in my case from as young as 5/6 years old wherein I became quite self-conscious about body image or my image in general, which I was never fully comfortable with throughout my life. I could say this is an ongoing process wherein the moment we write more about it, more layers open up which is cool and revealing how writing out supports in clearing up the pipes that might be clogged with memories that are still ‘there’ and not really brought up to the surface to ‘face.’  It become ‘clearer’ as we go along how we go constructing ourselves in our life according to seemingly ‘unimportant’ points that end up defining an entire façade that we end up becoming without being aware of ‘how we got till this point.’

It’s fascinating because I could see myself having judged this current culture in terms of all the effort – or even sacrifice – people take on in order to look a certain way, yet we all play that same game in one way or another, until we realize what we are doing to ourselves and stop.

Right now it’s very clear how this equalization at a physical level is that necessary self-agreement, after having had all of this struggle with myself in a quiet mode, wherein I could easily talk about others doing it, but not accepting I was living it out myself.

So, this is an ongoing process and there is nothing else to do but to walk the process of realizing that there can not be anything or anyone else that can decide ‘who we are’ or ‘what we are’ other than ourselves – and in that, we stand as beings that are no longer having to exist as a point of contrast in relation to that which we judged or avoided to become like. Instead we walk the necessary process of Self Correction in order to exist here, in simplicity – breathing, walking and dis.covering for the very first time what it is to LIVE without having to play a particular character in order to fit in.

 

Take this opportunity to do so as well.
Thanks for reading.

 


 

www.desteni.org
 

 

.


Leaving Dreams to Live the Dream into Reality

I Threw some rocks off in the sea.

And by this I mean downloading that which we have seen for ourselves already yet probably not exposed as such before, but merely let go of while walking and realizing that there is some weight we all carry around like stones – memories.

Letting go of memories is part of walking this process of Self Honesty within the realization that: I am not my memories as I am not this prefab mind that has existed only with the purpose of fulfilling some preordained life-track that I’ve merely followed as ‘myself’ as ‘who I am’, believing myself to be all the feelings and emotions that I had experienced, that’d take me to that up and down ride in quite a disruptive manner – man, it wasn’t cool. Even if I’d kid myself about ‘feeling alive’ when going in these rides, I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to keep myself existing that way for a long time, seemed to tiring, seemed like I could drive myself nuts at any time – yeah, that’s how it was when I’d participate on the mind extensively mostly generating emotions and feelings around this.

A part of the rocks I’ve thrown at the sea is all these dreams that I had in relation to ‘who I want to be’ – lol when I write this several images come up and a twitch on my left knee indicate: yep, this is it: Egoland!

Sweet Dreams are Made of this

So! First memory of ‘what I wanted to be’  was an astronaut. As a kid – and I didn’t even know how to read at that age so it must’ve been a bit early on – I used to take this book about the space travels and the universe and I’d go page by page looking at the pictures just wanting to be Buzz Aldrin or someone like that. I seriously considered on my early ages becoming one until my oldest sister said: nah, your eyesight is not cool and your heart has a slight arrhythmia – you would never make it past their rigorous medical exams to test health condition. So, I gave up the dream just like that – saw myself unfit for it.

Next on was ‘ I wanna be in a rock band’ yeah! As a ‘kid’ later on mostly around 7 I became fond of watching music videos on MTV. I developed a taste for the rebels that I’d see on tv as ‘rock people’ and so, yeah I wanted to be one of them. My heroes weren’t cartoon people but women that were leading rock bands or any other girl that’d be in all-male bands so, you can get the picture of it. I developed a lot of my then personality around that, extensively – though I’ve accepted some of those traits as myself to be open and share and express regardless of any limitation I perceived, so that’s cool – yeah won’t deny I also walked through the ‘shadowy’ part of it, but that’s another story. Being in a band was my ‘third option’ in terms of ‘professional career’

The dream I had when I was on my teens – this was around 2001 was – and I’m gonna write it literally – being the editor in chief of Spin magazine – lol. Yes I enjoyed music, I still do, I was obsessed with music and had gathered a lot of information about it, I was a devoted music junky for some time which occupied most of my time so I was kind of ‘preparing’ myself because I wanted to someday get an internship at that magazine and ‘make it’ to New York and have a super fab loft living on the big apple, having some nice coffee next door, writing for this magazine, hanging out with artists and party in New York. I used to read books that were mostly related to or based in New York, lots of Beat books and generation x-related content. I wanted to ‘make it’ through my writing and at the same time, be writing for what I then thought was ‘the coolest music magazine ever’. Lol I actually got to know more about that job and how demanding and actually nut-driving it is, hardcore stuff – won’t say names of the source of info, but I’m glad I got to know that I didn’t actually pursue that dream. Lol ‘pursue’, I didn’t buy into the dream any further later on when my interests started veering towards other directions.

In between the music-magazine editor point, I simply wanted to write books – that’s still able to be done as a self-supportive action so I wont’ count that one off just yet –

Next was what eventually became my career: I want to be an artist in terms of painting, photographer or something related to visual arts. After I had spent some time playing the guitar and bass I realized that I enjoyed music too much but stressed me out to play – well there’s actually kind of a back story within this. Okay I’ll share because it’s relevant to see how we accept and allow ourselves to be limited by others. My then friend/partner would be very critical towards me playing, I would be quite nervous when playing with him, I felt unsure about the sound of it all and even if he taught me and was doing it to make everything sound better, I started simply fearing playing with him and within that suppressing myself and believing that I’m not ‘good enough’ to play music – so I stopped. I would not be chasing a career in music either as I didn’t see it as a practical thing to do in terms of my context and I stopped practicing as much to dedicate myself to painting wherein I thought I had found the ‘true love’ lol.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression and believe that I wasn’t ‘good’ at playing instruments without realizing that I wasn’t only playing at the standards and requirements of another – within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself believing that I had to stop playing music because of not being ‘good at it’ and within that, simply leaving the entire music creation based on that single self-accepted belief of ‘what I’m good at’

I realize I only limited myself out of my own belief and taking others’ judgments as a fact of ‘who I am’ which is the point I forgive myself for to never allow myself to belittle myself in terms of being capable of doing something out of the belief, idea as judgment that I could ever harbor within myself upon myself.

So yes, it was 2003 and Marlen got a craving for painting. I limited myself within it from the very beginning, I knew I’d be wanting to make lots of paintings so I bought some cheap watercolors which were more like colorful liquid inks and started working with that for the entire summer. I had ‘so much to say’ … looking at my pictures back then I could see much of the stuff I had participated in terms of being a self-tormented being, belittling myself, seeing myself as unworthy and kind of existing in this constant desire for a certain relationship – man it sucked but painting and doing ‘my thing’ became a resort through my highschool years – that’s where I began drawing. Never saw myself as ‘great’ doing it, but I knew I had something to say, probably never had the virtuoso skills but still that’s the dream that I chased far enough.

When I finished highschool, I wanted to go straight into arts school but my parents didn’t want me to leave home and go to the ‘big city’ so, I applied and got into university in my home city wherein I studied my second choice for one year: literature and linguistics. That was cool for a while but I knew I could not spent my days revisiting old greek books and trying to find something else in there – I wanted to create. And so after long hours of discussing the point, I got actually motivated by a then friend of mine to apply for two art schools in Mexico City – and so I did. Lol I was so fearful because I knew that there was a possibility for my parents to not allow me to do it, or support me in that, but I did it anyway and it turned out I got into the National Arts School and so the ‘dream’ began.

I was so happy for having ‘made it’, like actually convincing my parents to go there and convincing myself that ‘this was it’ that I was going to actually do what I had always wanted to be: an artist.

I breathe and I’m here – I began that career in the fall of 2006, just today I saw an exhibition of the art work that people do on their first year – you can see all the ‘dreams’ in their work, that drive, that dedication. I was like that the first year full on, head on, seeking to have the best reputation which I kind of obtained from my teachers that year. Living alone and so forth was like ‘liberating’ in so many ways, totally enjoyed it.

Second year began and my drive to ‘search’ for something else than art began – or the mix thereof with a ‘higher purpose’. Yes, the lightworker design was kicking in a lot and so I spent hours and hours not paying much attention to art but philosophies and religions and occultism because I was seeking for God – lol. Now I laugh but man, it was quite extensive to say the least. One of my dreams was creating a new religion, an all encompassing religion, one that would bring the best of all that I had read into one – fascinating because I ‘d take notes and kind of get overtly excited about it at the time. I wanted to have a ‘certainty’ of the religion/ practice I’d follow to then base my art upon it and create a new ‘sacred art’ devoted for that single ‘dream’ that I had of serving god or serving a ‘greater purpose’ and what I had deemed was my ‘Mission in Life’

LOL Yeah the infamous mission in life – okay, so that all mixed up with my intense desires of being famous which actually got me into having my first artist flick in an exhibition abroad wherein I got to see the ‘true colors’ of fame and art as a business and so forth – had a great time in what I called the beginning of the end of Marlen as that bunch of dreams started crumbling down. I’m so glad I had that early experience on ‘being an artist’ and doing promotion and having the life of a ‘famous one’ man, it sucks! lol and I was so into ‘meditation’ and ‘stilling the mind’ and all Alan Watts type of books that to me having to be ‘promoting myself’ was too disruptive for the ego that I was creating of a calm and “spiritual being” while I was already quite hooked on weed which would lead me to buy in some other country and kind of being driven by that desire all the time – yikes. Anyways, the downward spiral began there, november 20007. I knew there was something going on like ‘death’ was on the air. Yes the death of all those dreams because I saw myself not enjoying it – art, fame, fortune suddenly seemed like a nasty thing to be craving for and so all I wanted is for it to end though, I can see how I required to go through that to then be able to say: this is it! This is not my idea of a good time.

Got back to Mexico, school and the ‘glory’ of a first exhibition abroad, saw how easy it is to grow one’s ego upon stuff like that, saw how easy it is to take on the role that the world expects you to play. I breathe and I’m here and I remember how from there I wanted to create a non-mainstream type of art, a ‘sacred art’. Got myself into more esoteric stuff, alchemy, tarot, many other stuff until I got to the mayan calendar and from there into Desteni.

I don’t require to explain anything else from there on – all the dreams crumbled down when I realized what a selfish mind I had been all the way, just wanting to have all the fame, fortune and glory and promoting some ‘god’ that doesn’t exist. I had quite a breakdown the first few days like ‘Oh my god! I’m not Real! this has all been a scam!’ Lol – but anyways got over it as I started exchanging emails with people at Desteni and got immediate support to start walking my process – that was January/Febuary 2008 and the rest is history.

Right now I’ve completed my credits on this career and I’ll certainly open up points that I see in relation to that ‘dream’ that I followed and the reality of it at this moment and how I’m linking that to the actual creation and creative process of creating myself as an actual human living being.

Throwing such stones of ‘dreams’ away seemed like the hardest thing to do at some point for me – they were this ‘thing’ that would apparently ‘keep me running’, like this ‘chase’ that I was striving for and willing to do anything for. It became quite clear how when I realized that all those dreams stood for nothing else than personal glory that I had in fact never ever considered dedicating myself to something that could be Best for All – I saw myself as having ‘something to say’ in relation to changing the world, but never actually becoming that point myself first. So I had to stop being a wreck of emotions and feelings and habits that were certainly unsustainable and got myself on-line with regards to myself, extensively self forgiving my past, letting go of regrets, letting go of the relationship that I had literally built myself around to keep in place – man, that was a hard one and till this day I still get thoughts on that, imagine therefore: constant self direction is required – and other points had to be let go of such as seeking this ‘fame’ that I had realized was not what I was looking for.

It became fascinating to see how everything that I did within Desteni became that actual rewarding self experience for myself. I finally ‘felt’ that I had found my place as I was starting to create myself as that which is supportive themselves and supporting others on the way – this is simply IT I mean, what other dream is there to fulfill but the actual realization of who we are as Life and within that actually creating a world that’s best for all? I wanted that, I sought for that but never found the way to it.

We got the way, we are here creating and paving the way beginning with ourselves. I threw out those rocks of illusions and dreams to actually get myself grounded on my two feet and actually work with myself to stop pursuing dreams and get into creating myself as a single point in this reality that can take on a position to create an actual change in this world, a position of supporting this entire process, a position wherein I’m most effective within the overall outcome which must be Equality as Life – and from this it’s actually walking the dream that I had sought for through my existence, yet all the preprogrammed desires had to be placed aside to actually get to see that I can actually will myself to do this without it being a pre-laid desire or wish to do in my reality. That’s where self creation kicks in, that’s where self-will and the actual movement of myself within this comes in.

The weight is off as I’ve seen the ‘dreams’ for the illusions they were, for the personal desires they stood for which were all experienced based really, all but flicks of spontaneous glitter that would inevitably go off leaving me with the same ‘void’ that I tried to ‘fill’ from the very beginning.

Once I realized there is no void to be empty of, but to actually start considering myself as all that exist I am in the process of creating myself as that dream that is doable, feasible within the terms of what’s best for all – the dream is no longer ego-based but life-based, a collective dream that many of us around the world are walking into a reality – that’s Desteni and I’ve never been that grateful in my existence for having this opportunity to finally GET REAL and step down from my smoky clouds of house of cards that I’d built for personal entertainment.

What’s best for all is best for you is best for me – that’s the ultimate dream to realize through practical application of us giving to another what we want for ourselves, of us actually standing as a new human being that doesn’t require to fulfill fallacious dreams, but is willing to stand as a pillar for Life in Equality, ‘giving up’ the illusion that we were anyways and birthing ourselves into actual physical beings that can create a system that’s actually beneficial for all living beings on Earth.

Now our reality is here, no we walk as equals and make sure we get to create our dream to come true: Equal Money System that will enable all other dreams to come true once we’re no longer fighting for survival, fighting for each other and fighting over our own self-accepted limitations.

I don’t have or require any other dream in life but creating a world that’s best for all because within that all the other dreams would simply become an actual choice of experience instead of something that I wanted to to do ‘escape the system’ – no way, we’re here to change the system works and within that, liberating all life forms in this world from the enslavement of ourselves as our minds projected into a reality that believed in a heaven and salvation – that’s no more.

We’re here and walking our dreams into reality, a single dream that no longer stands for that ever elusive chain of desires and wishes based on money and fortune– all I want in life is for ALL to have a dignified Life as Equals–from there, I can see myself being fulfilled as an actual living being and thus having the actual time and disposition to explore life for real.

This is Not over yet, it only just begun.


%d bloggers like this: