Tag Archives: recognition

480.From Mental Values to Life Values

“Those who stand on tiptoes

Do not stand firmly

Those who rush ahead

Don’t get very far.

Those who try to outshine others

Dim their own light

Those who call themselves righteous

Can’t know how wrong they are

Those who boast of their accomplishments

Diminish the things they have done.

Compared to the Tao, these actions are unworthy.

If we are to follow the Tao, we must not do these things.”

– Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

 

Yesterday I forgot to add this quote to the blog on ‘Impressions and Impressing’ which I got to almost by a random opening of the Tao Te Ching book while having this word ‘impression’ as my purpose to explore in the day. This one sums up very  nicely the polarities that we create when following ‘the way of the ego’ as our expression, it is a reminder of the consequences of ‘living through our mental values’ and I found it supportive because a part of me, my programming and even familiar influence on my father’s side would have probably been a trigger for me to, for example, still feel the need to be recognized or boast about something even if in an apparent ‘modest’ manner in order to give myself some ‘value’ for something.

However, when walking this process of self-honesty, developing humbleness is of utmost support, because then we stop ‘measuring’ ourselves against others – we stop comparing ourselves – we also stop valuing ourselves based on ‘what we do’ or ‘how much’ of it is done, but instead consider who we are in every moment and understand that the results and outcomes of our ‘every moment’ in a day, are the bricks with which we go building our next moments, our future.

So if one practically let go of the desires or fears that emerge within us when directing ourselves to do or be something, things simplify a lot and the attention and focus is no longer on a ‘value’ based mindset related on a measure, on external values, on others’ opinions or criticisms, but one then focuses on seeing the substance of things, what’s relevant, what’s of support for one’s life and that of others. That would be the real value of things if we are ever to, for example,  recreate money and an entire new ‘value system’ where all things are valued according to how useful or supportive something is to make everyone’s life better.

In that sense, something like bars of gold or some chunks of information in a computer would definitely not be valued the way they are now, but we would regain an awareness of the real valuable and supportive things in life – but, we’ll get there someday, when we realize our massive accepted and allowed brainwashing on these concepts.

Where can we start now? With ourselves, stopping our own self-devaluations, our own inflations, our own ‘future investments’ and derivatives that seek self-interest ‘at all cost’ or that follow the rules of a game where nothing can ever be truly valued as equal, but always unequal: always inferior to something/someone, always superior, always ‘in front of’, always ‘behind from’ – and no, I’m not talking about physical spacing of things or physical dimensions – only talking about the mental-values that we impose onto ourselves in the ego-scale of things.

So in the second to last sentence of this quote, we get the key of all those polarity values explained “Compared to the Tao, these actions are unworthy.” The Tao here as per my understanding and definition is the way of life, not even the ‘good’ as that can sometimes be misconstrued as a morality, but I’d rather say the way of what’s best for all. Therefore, the key word ‘unworthy’ comes up there to see how it is implying a ‘new value system’ that is no longer based on more or less, but instead in a way that considers the depth and potential of life.

In life, the only real value is life – nothing else – and therefore, anything that does not support life, has no meaning, has no value. How can we then make sure that we start changing the values that we believe only the ‘Federal Reserve’ is responsible for in terms of money creation, or a ‘Central Bank’? We have to take the point of ‘worth’ and ‘value’ back to ourselves and see how it is that the concept of inequality wasn’t born in a social construct ‘out there,’ but it is in fact an inherent mechanism in which we think of ourselves and others, a way in which we have ‘learned’ to ‘value’ things as more or less than in a myriad of ways.

Let’s consider then that if Equality – as in Life Equality, as substance, as the realization of how everything that exists is genuinely one an equal – would have been our default measuring point and general understanding in how we relate to everything, then this inequality, this discrimination, wars, poverty would not exist, because we would not be able to disregard that part of ourselves and impose this notion of it being ‘less than’ life, because such concepts of being less than, more than, being superior or inferior would simply not exist as part of our ways to conceive, to see or approach reality, which would assists us in seeing how we are one and equal to every single person, animal or speck of reality that we see around us.

This might seem a bit too ‘out there’ but to ground it back here, my point is emphasizing how many times we become righteous in believing that we know exactly ‘who we are’ and ‘what our purpose in life is’ and we don’t even question it, we get so sure of ourselves that it can create an inflexibility of sorts that only in continuing to investigate oneself in self-honesty does one get to break-out of that secure-shell of ‘knowing exactly’ who we believe we are, but fear to question it, because let’s face it: no one really likes to experience a sense of uncertainty, not knowing ‘who one is’ if we strip ourselves away from every single definition that we’ve built through our minds, our ego that is always existing in a lack, in an inequality. Yet, this is precisely the kind of challenges we have to walk through in order to see ‘what’s real, what’s of real substance’

I’ve tested it out and proven to myself how life, as in genuinely being able to live every moment in a directive, stable, calm way – is a possibility when I precisely let go of these polarized ways of perceiving myself, what I do, how I relate to others and how I see/perceive reality. It seems like a simple decision and feat, but the reality is that we’ve conditioned ourselves so much to always see through the filter of the mind that it does take this process to understand each layer of self-deception and so, learn how to take responsibility of it by acknowledging it, embracing it as our creation, walking it through a process of re-creation and redefinition the same way that we would expect a new seed to grow, to nurture it, to support ourselves with giving ourselves the proper conditions to develop and then seeing our creation come to fruition.

That’s also how building the new world, the new way of living cannot come from a belligerent starting point, cannot come from antagonism, cannot come from denial, refusal or ignorance of what we’ve become or have created – all of us, equally – as our reality, our world system.

Therefore we go back to the point of wanting to change the world – yes, that quest that ‘drives’ me and many more – to see it again as something that is doable by each one of us, first understanding all of these inequalities existing in ourselves and becoming the living example of what it really means to value all life as equal, to value and regard oneself as one and equal with everything that is here.

And no, this is not intended to create a ‘larger than life’ experience, because that would again be a mind-interpretation of this. It is about us daily practicing this living of the word equality, deliberately ending the ‘less than/more than’ mental perceptions and instead practice embracing ourselves, others, reality ‘as is’ in order to not fight it, to not deny it – which doesn’t mean that we then blindly accept it, not at all – but instead can take responsibility for such creation through understanding it, without judging ourselves for it and so walking it by the hand into a correction, which means: we have to do it, we have to walk that process within ourselves first if we are to change the nature of how we value things, how we gauge or assess things in reality.

So this is a challenge then for myself that I expand to anyone reading this, to see how much during our day we go into inferiorities, superiorities, a sense of righteousness, or wanting something ‘more fulfilling’ or feeling too empty, where we go seeking to be ‘valued more by others’ – all of these representing some of the most basic ways and forms in which we have unfortunately conditioned ourselves to interact, constantly perceiving ourselves ‘unfulfilled, incomplete, lacking, desiring, hoping’ That’s the distraction right there to stop and change into words that can instead assist us to user our time, our minds, our bodies for self-creation, self-nurturing for self support.

Even more so, if you get to see that it becomes rather ‘easy’ to just ‘think’ of yourself as one and equal with everything, it doesn’t stop there, absolutely not, that’s only the first realization, from there it is still all about directing, developing and making of our potential something real through actual work, actual doings and self-responsible direction by each one of us.

It would mean nothing at all to understand oneself as ‘one and equal with everything’ but don’t take any actions, don’t embark into personal changes to genuinely create a life, a world system that can be driven by and embody the kind of principles that we then are individually – one by one – deciding to live within ourselves.

So, a cool point for self-reflection is to see and understand ourselves as the creator of actual value as life values that we can cultivate individually and so collectively – that’s where our real power resides and so far we have been squandering it seeking change only ‘out there’– but we also have to start here, one by one, and that is then us living an ‘idea’, living a word that cannot be silenced or censored, because a new set of living principles and so living values within ourselves cannot be suppressed or repressed if we all start waking up to this realization – there’s no need to fight wars or protest to do this, it’s in all of our heads and hands to use as tools of self-creation in equality, so let’s act, think and live words in a way that is genuinely supportive for all.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Louis Morton

Louis Morton 2014

 

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431. Recognizing the Potential in Ourselves

 

One of the points that came up for me today was the ability to recognize the potential in others and within this, be able to use that awareness of what we see another is able to be and become. I consider this is one of the things that have assisted me in being able to see past certain habits, traits, personalities, ego-feuds in order to get to ‘seek out’ and ‘unearth’ the actual potential in myself and others – and in a way, get to see the real being that is somewhere there in the background, behind the usual presentations that we get to know ourselves with: our habits, traits, emotional fits, quirks, manners, traumas, judgments etc. In essence it means being able to see a person beyond what they could have becomes as their mental design, their ‘disguise’ yet have a willingness to change, to assist themselves to become essentially a better person, to give the most of themselves for their benefit and that of others.  This is the potential of change that exists in every single one of us.

In this process of learning how to actually live and become an individual that stands with living principles, sometimes we hold ourselves captives to our past and believe that we cannot change, that we will always remain the same, that we cannot get past the usual problems – but if we actually dare to apply this recognition process, to really step back and look at who we were in the past, and what kind of decisions  we’ve made to actually assist ourselves, we will start giving ourselves a bit more of a recognition of what we’ve done, the path we’ve walked thus far and what is yet to come,  yet to be aligned and fine tuned  to learn from our everyday experiences and interactions. This is what I see this process in itself is, to learn how to live and push a bit further every time to continue discovering our own potential, to learn from the past mistakes to not repeat them and stick to creating and living that which we can in fact be and become with dedication, consistency and a deliberate decision to step out of the old patterns and become a person that we can live with for the rest of our existence.

The ability to recognize this potential in others comes when one has been able to identify such potential within oneself first, when one has seen that underneath the mind clutter of personalities, ego traits and the rest of the ‘programs,’ one is able to see one’s real self, ready to be placed into use to strengthen oneself, to look past any judgments, to be accountable, to learn self respect, to learn how to cooperate with others, to be humble, to learn from mistakes, to be ok with failure and learning to stand up again, to learn how to build supportive relationship, to learn what it means to go past one’s fears and limitations – all of these points are there for us to live if we make the decision to not feed the old patterns, the usual egotistical traits that feel ‘safe’ because it’s all we’ve ever known, but instead be willing to step into the actual process of creating oneself as something that one probably could have never conceived one could be or become, and then recognize that the fears and limitations were nothing  but a masquerade that we thought we were proudly wearing as ‘who we are.’

Once that one starts seeing glimpses of one’s potential, it is very vital to remind ourselves of and take note of the processes we’ve walked to actually ‘dig out’ this potential and to keep track of the changes in oneself, so that there is always a point of reference we can go back to whenever we get to feel that ‘we were born living our potentials’ when in fact, unfortunately it is not at all how our lives as human beings work at the moment. It is a process and forgetting it usually leads to the perception that either we haven’t changed or this is how we’ve always been, or missing out the ability to relate to others that are in their initial processes of change. As a point of reference, reading past journals and blog entries is assisting to see how I could have not been able to remember certain things I used to think about or experience, that I see I would definitely not be saying/thinking in the same manner now as I did before.

It’s also crucial to consider that when reaching any point of potential or finding a clear drive and motivation to do things, this should always be measured according to its starting point – asking questions is usually a great way to get to know oneself and one’s real ‘drive’ in it: is it to glorify myself? Is it to prove others wrong? Is it to make up for my past mistakes? Is it to feel better about myself? Is it because I want to be accepted by others? Is it because I want to feel like what it is like to be ‘the best’ or be ‘at the top’? Is it because I want the money and the good life? Is it because it will make me find a great partner? Is it because I want to stop feeling like a loser? Is it because I want to trump others that have done me wrong? Is it because I want to show that I can better than everyone else…? And the beat goes on…

If there’s something I suggest one always takes into consideration is humbleness when achieving certain life goals or starting to live certain potentials. If anything, any point of empowerment should not be defined as such if it only benefits the same ego/idea of ourselves that merely exists in comparison/in contrast to others.

To me it is clear that any advantage position in any point or aspect in our lives, should stand as a point of extra responsibility to consider others that are not yet ‘there’ in living their full potential yet, to be humble in considering each one’s living process, their past, their traits and skills, their weaknesses yet to be turned into strengths  – in essence, to always have a firm idea that one cannot be in any position of leadership if there is no actual empathy, humbleness, consideration toward others that have yet to be assisted to start digging out their potential.

Also, not giving up on others is essential, not judging them, not holding them captive within their ‘usual flaws’ but to always rather assist others  – and of course ourselves – to remind us of what we have actually managed to create, to build within ourselves, what we have managed to change, what we have managed to overcome and so stands as prove that ‘change is possible.’ This might sound like something ‘easy’ to do, but it’s not always something that can be readily done if there isn’t a personal process of an individual deciding to create an actual change for the better in their lives.

Seeing a potential begins with oneself, then we extend it toward others and from there as one goes living this potential, it is about remaining grounded, assertive, reminding oneself of the path walked, the points yet to be aligned, the fails and mistakes we will still make to learn from them and the potentials yet to develop. This is another way I’d say we can practically live the word ‘recognition’ in a supportive manner, for oneself and for others, who are an extension of ourselves anyways.

 

 

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430. Recognition

When looking at redefining a word,  an exercise is to see what kind of associations do I have in relation to it, what kind of memories are attached to this word that could prevent me from actually redefining it and living the word in a supportive manner. So this is a work in progress to redefine the word recognition in a team, which means each one will look at their relationship to the work and draw some main points to bring on the table to finalize the definition that can be relatable and supportive for others in this process of learning how to live words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the Word recognition to the idea of being clapped at by an audience upon gaining some kind of prize or recognition for doing ‘well’ in something, and so becoming the center of attention for everyone else in that one moment, without realizing that this is what I imprinted within me based on how the diplomas in school – year by year  at the end of it – would read ‘reconocimiento’ as in ‘recognizing’ and my name plus the point of participation, achievement or award gotten in school or other contests, wherein I would end up being the ‘winner’ of either of the three places given to students with certain achievements and within this, creating a polarity relationship of recognition based on not wanting to only be recognized or known by others for ‘being the good student’ but at the same time, considering that I had earned it so, it was my right to be recognized that way.

So in this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dislike getting any form of recognition because of having had the experience of seeing this recognition as a form of superiority-value that detached me or separated me from the rest of the people, made me ‘special’ in a way, which led me to dislike getting any form of praise or recognition due to how unequal this felt, but at the same time getting used to it and so, if there was no recognition to me, I would feel as not good enough or somewhat invisible – all of this due to how I got ‘used to’ being singled out as better than/special, in spite of knowing that this is not what I am comfortable with – yet I accepted it as a self definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my starting point of doing things for the sake of being seen/recognized by others in any way, which means that I was not in fact doing things in my life for me, as my expression but many times were ways to get particular people’s attention, to be recognized/acknowledged by others and so ‘gain’ some space in their reality – all of this because of a perception of not having been good enough for it, or not being ‘special’ enough and/or being flawed in other ways and so making it up by building a certain personality that I knew could be recognized by others that I was interested to be in relationship with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being recognized only for a few particular traits as part of ‘who I am’ and so, deliberately building a personality that could be eccentric or overtly expressive and ‘unique’ in a way to step out of the cliché of only being a ‘good student in school’ and so, seeking to now be recognized as being somewhat that is cool and ‘in’ and ‘special’ because of being ‘different’ to most people in terms of attitude and looks and so forth – which is nothing else but building a persona to be recognized by others in a way that I did like. This means that it was all made for praising my ego and not at all in any way for supporting myself and my expression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times having pushed myself a lot to do certain things to ‘prove myself to others’ and so be recognized for being intelligent, special, unique even ‘strong’ in the sense of not being weakened easily – all of this to overcome my own vulnerability which accompanied me most of my young phases of my life, and in doing this also wanting to be recognized as someone that cannot be hurt or someone you cannot mess with. All of this again to cover up for the actual inferiority and vulnerability I would experience as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live the paradox of disliking certain types of recognition, while at the same time seeking to be recognized for particular preferred ‘traits’ or personalities that I considered I wanted to value myself with in order to be liked, accepted by others that I had a specific interest to be liked/appreciated/acknowledged by.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief that recognition is something that is given from others to oneself and that one cannot recognize oneself only, because that means I am not ‘valued’ by others, which is a false equation there, believing that one does not have validity if we don’t exist as ‘some value’ for others. And this is where one abdicates the ability to recognize oneself and others based on what  people or things are in themselves, without the need to ‘value’ but just by sheer acknowledgement.

It is also funny because whenever I had done something ‘bad/wrong’ as a child, my mother would say’ have you seen what you have done??’ and I would say ‘yes I recognize it’ but that was involved with yes I recognize it AND take the blame for it, so also to short circuit that idea that with recognizing comes some blame or ‘price to pay’ to rather see it as ‘Ok how did I fuck up? How can I correct this? How can I learn from a mistake or failure?

recognize or recognise
n    verb
1    identify as already known; know again. Ø(of a computer or other device) identify and respond correctly to (a sound, character, etc.).
2    acknowledge the existence, validity, or legality of. Øformally acknowledge that (a country or government) is eligible to be dealt with as a member of the international community.
3    reward formally.
4    (of a person chairing a meeting or debate) call on (someone) to speak.

I see that to live the word recognition it would imply being aware of myself/my life, to know me, to acknowledging me as what I am, what I am doing, what I’ve done and within that rather assess/recognize the points that need to be changed/aligned and also to acknowledge that which I’ve accomplished/achieved in a way that assists me in this process of aligning to what is best for myself and so best for others in acknowledging what is outside of myself as well and apply the same principle.

This way, I am the one living recognition, giving myself that time to reflect, to acknowledge, to take responsibility for or to simply say ‘well done’ in any point that I’ve found I’ve been able to complete/achieve in a way that supports me and my life. In this, the ‘value’ of oneself is not built by others perceptions as I used to, it is a self-recognition, a self-assessment based on being aware of one’s words, deeds and being honest to see what needs to be changed, what requires fine tuning, where did I miss my own direction, where was I tempted or lured by an experience instead of deciding with common sense? And so this becomes more of a word that enables one’s own feedback loop so to speak rather than a series of judgments, beliefs, perceptions that we create within ourselves and project toward others.

 

 

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419. Devaluation of Self

It’s fascinating that when we operate in terms of ‘values’ and we value people according to who we perceive them to be – as their amount of studies, knowledge and information and generally known success in life, we sometimes create the notion of ‘famous people’ or people that could be generally perceived as ‘more important than’ or ‘superior’ to others that we have defined as ‘plain mortals’ so to speak. I noticed that this exists within me in the form of considering that some people who I would like to invite for discussions could be ‘too famous’ to actually want to be in a live discussion with me/us.

 

Louis Vuitton Morton

 

This came up as I was sharing with others about a particular person I would like to invite to a live online discussion and even if I know I am directing myself to propose it and actually eventually create it, I noticed a sharp pain on my right leg, quite on the surface but unusual though so I got to know from the person I was talking to how this relates to one’s foundation of support, and from some older notes, the flow of expression. So what came behind the proposal to interview this individual were also aspects of self-doubt in relation to how I have valued/perceived the person to be. So I realized how I tend to create these limitations based on how I have ‘valued’ a person according to their ‘accrued interest’ on knowledge and information and so how I see myself considering it would be ‘unreasonable’ or ‘unbelievable’ or ‘out of reach’ or ‘requiring something more than what I got’ to be able to actually approach another individual to discuss topics that we for sure have in common to discuss.  But then again, how/what has in fact placed such limitation? Myself based on the perception of these individuals being already interviewed by other media and ‘professional anchors’ so in this, I actually create my own limitation because I then look at the person not for the actual purpose of having a chat with them would be, which is a point that benefits everyone in fact, but I then first pull out a point of doubt of whether ‘we are up to the height’ required for it.

So in this particular practical considerations are required. For sure it would imply that I for example, have to ensure I read up to and continue educating myself to get more background on the person and their work so that I can have that same foundation for such conversation, that’s just practical stuff that I do anyways – so what changed? Well, the idea of ‘who’ the person is, so here we go!

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to consider person x as ‘way too unreachable for a chat’ considering that I have placed this person as an ‘important individual’ in their spheres of influence and within that ultimately believing that ‘they would not care/agree to have a chat with us’ without realizing that in this, I am in fact giving up or already going into defeat before even trying, so WTF?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that I would require something ‘more’ in order to be able to invite someone for a chat, such as greater production or more publicity or else, without realizing that what I/we do is what is possible at the moment and using the means that we have at our reach and as such the simplicity of it and the use of cost-less resources does not diminish the quality of the production as the conversation in itself – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a predisposition in the belief that this individual will only accept an interview if it comes from some major media outlet, without realizing that in this I am already giving up to even actually going for it and making an invitation to the person – within this, my approach has to be equal and one as with every other person I invite and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of inferiority toward an individual that I consider ‘unreachable’ or ‘too famous’ or ‘too prestigious’ to be part of a conversation with me/us online – in this I realize that through this perception of the person being ‘more than’ I created my own limitation toward them and so creating an experience of uncertainty of myself in relation to how that conversation would develop – without realizing that this is all only my own mind patterns and experiences that I have created throughout time toward particular people that I have considered as ‘famous’ and ‘well known’ to be ‘out of reach’ people and me considering having a discussion with them something extravagant, meaning going ‘out of reason’ of what I would consider would be ‘suitable’ for me, which is all existent as a scheme of values that I’ve placed toward myself and others, which is unacceptable as the starting point of the whole thing is actually to promote and create a more equal society.

In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually experience a tinge of fear of having a discussion with someone that I had previously somewhat antagonized and in this, I realized that my previous stance toward basically everyone that did not agree with how I saw solutions should be was that of rather continuous criticism, which obviously will lead us nowhere and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear that my previous criticism and mockery toward the movement that this person stands for comes back to me in the form of the person rejecting my invitation for a live discussion – in this I realize that the actual fear is that the person could use what I previously said against me and against this renewed effort to rather work together. I realize that in this I have to first forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to criticize an individual’s work and overall movement as a non-working solution, without realizing that yes we all make mistakes and what I have learned throughout these years is precisely to not create enemies, but rather be able to find a common ground and that’s my current stance. Therefore I hereby declare that I have forgiven myself for having created antagonism toward other individuals that didn’t ‘suit’ my perceptions and ideas and plans for what I define as ‘real change,’ and now that we are coming to a common ground, it seems possible that we can in fact then advocate for the same principle, which is cool and in this ultimately it’s about me being clear on where I stand in relation to this individual and the movement he stands for itself, wherein I am willing to accept my past perceptions and mistakes and so be willing to obviously start anew as this is what we all require to do in the world: to forgive ourselves for our assumptions and judgments made toward ourselves and others in order to start from scratch and building relationships that go beyond ego or ‘who’s right’ and ‘who’s wrong,’ but rather get to work together as equals.

Ultimately in all of this, I realize how my own perceptions, beliefs and past ‘trespasses’ could create a limitation in expanding toward working and contacting people that I consider are now aligning more and more with the solutions we also advocate – and so it is absolutely necessary to stop ourselves as ego from becoming an obstacle in the development that we can in fact carry out for the betterment not only of ‘ourselves’ as individuals, but for the causes that we actually stand for – this means: principle must always override any ego.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose a sense of ‘not being up to the height’ of another and believing that ‘the person would not want to discuss with me’ because of me not having a particular ‘popular’ stance or reputation or believing that I would require to have some sense of ‘official recognition’ in order to be able to invite certain individuals, as if there was like this ‘scale of values’ that one would have to gather in order to do so. I realize that this limitation is absolutely something built over my own perceptions toward people based on their knowledge, their information, their careers and professions, their relationships, their leadership positions and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more weight to knowledge, information, careers, relationships with what I have defined as ‘important people’ and within this create a limitation of ‘who I would be capable and able to establish a conversation with’ based on who I perceive them to be or what I would perceive they would think if a ‘regular person’ like me asks them for an interview.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use terms like ‘being a regular person’ or a ‘mortal’ meaning a person that has no ‘laureate’ from the system or that has a specific recognition or validation at system level in relation to the topics I want to discuss, wherein I then create the usual trap of ‘not being qualified’ at the eyes of others, which is part of the problem we have co-created in our society wherein we believe that one is only ‘capable’ if you are given a ‘license’ as a permission and validation that you in fact ‘know’ about something, all part of the same system of credentials and values that exist and that yes, are required at the moment in the system – but this does not diminish someone’s ability and capacity to do the same or even more than what a person with a license has.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others would only accept or consider me to be reliable if I had some sort of recognition ‘out in the system’ so that a person then would not reject an interview with me – and within this I forgive myself that I have actually accepted and allowed myself to assume what a person would ‘expect of me’ or the kind of ‘licenses’ they would expect me to have or the amount of knowledge that ‘they would want me to have’ in order to have a conversation with them, which is all, once again, speculation and ideas based on how I have seen for example the academic world operates in hierarchical levels wherein for example teachers and their apprentices are seen as ‘more than’ any other individual in the same institution.

This actually comes from my own experiences of imposing a superior value to people in academia in fact, people that I have considered as ‘too way up in the academic world’ and that I’ve perceived that everyone reveres to them, and that they are ‘not up for just any regular chat’ which I then realized it was false once that I got to know ‘important people’ that one would see on TV or in high academic circles and at the same time seeing them in their regular life just like any other ‘mortal’ therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having carried this idea of some people being ‘holier than thou’ based on my perception of the person being ‘famous’ or ‘well known’ or having some kind of ‘important academic position’ or being ‘an artist’ or else, who are all the individuals that I placed as ‘more than myself’ including politicians of course and probably kings just because of the whole propaganda and brainwashing that is created based on the amount of ‘importance’ we believe we must give certain individuals and ‘feel’ different toward them as well, instead of realizing we are in fact equals and no amount of knowledge and information should make anyone ‘holier’ than another as it’s all based on mind values, on knowledge and information and yes, we are ultimately all made of flesh and bones and are all mortals in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever learn from my family how to behave with ‘well known individuals’ and politics and people that I have considered as ‘rich’ and ‘very important people’ – apparently – that I kind of learned that I should revere in a way, and act even more service-like which is absolutely – excuse the word – fucked up. I realize that this comes from me witnessing how my family would revere to politicians whenever they would come to parties and kind of even change their stance to appear more service-like and ‘affable’ and ‘giving them the keys to their house’ so to speak, as if these individuals were ‘more’ than any other guest in the house. This comes of course from the imposition of value/power/authority and even ‘fame’ and recognition to particular individuals based on the position that they have in society for example – therefore

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should get even ‘nervous’ or up to the expectation of having someone ‘popular’ or ‘famous’ or ‘well known’ talking with me because of imposing the same experiences that I got from witnessing my family and how they would behave with ‘important people’ like artists or politicians and within this, copy the exact same experience that I would perceive others would have around these people, which was that of excitement, nervousness and wanting everything to be ‘top notch’ FOR THEM, which is the whole ‘service-like’ attitude that I learned one ‘should have’ when dealing with someone that is considered famous, more important or – god, dare I say – more valuable than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still see a person that is ‘well known’ through the eyes of knowledge and information, through the eyes of the mind wherein I see a person based on the amount of recognition, fame, perceived authority based on the position they occupy or else and within this forget about equality because I still place this veil of ‘importance’ over others, which is of course unacceptable as I realize that we are all in fact one and equal and that we have in fact consolidated and continued to accept the current status quo based on this mind-hierarchy that we act out almost ‘by default’ toward perceived important/famous people, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever see some of those ‘famous individuals’ as ‘more than myself’ and this comes from the time when I would approach any artist for example and request their autograph as a child and how excited I would get from these experiences, because I learned that people that were on TV then ‘were more famous than’ anyone else therefore associating value with ‘being on TV’ or any other ‘well known position,’ which implies immediately placing myself as ‘not up to that height’ so to speak – but really, all of these ideas of importance, height, prestige, fame, recognition are all values that I have associated with a ‘superiority’ instead of realizing that they are in fact words that denote the actual work and life experience as well as trajectory that an individual or group of individuals have crated throughout their life to get to certain positions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add a positive and superiority value to the word ‘prestige’ wherein the fact that someone can be well known, respected and has achieved quite a lot in their life becomes an ‘added value’ in my perception and thus placing myself as ‘less than’ them based on such achievements, which I realize is a point of self-separation when one identifies oneself or another based on the amount of knowledge and information they have or ‘how’ other individuals perceive them, which is all seen through the mind’s eye.

 

Instead prestige is simply recognizing the well-known work and recognition of an individual’s life experience and contributions wherein their work  and their deeds speak by themselves and as such widespread recognition and respect is an outflow of their life, their work and contributions being supportive for others as well, which is definitely what we should all direct ourselves to aim at being and becoming in our lives, to leave our lifetime of supporting to create a world that is best for all, and so live self-respect, which means that someone’s work and recognition becomes their own life and what they say/do and act on, which is nothing more or nothing less than life, it is simply an example that we can learn from and so also see as the potential that exists within each one of us.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word ‘fame’ with an experience of superiority and ‘more than’ others comparison, instead of realizing that fame as being known or being excellent in something is not an ‘added value’ to another individual, but simply what they have achieved through their own direction and creation – whether it is for ‘good fame’ or ‘bad fame’ it is simply the general perception of ‘who another is’ based on their words and actions. Therefore, there is no need to add an experience to fame or who am I toward perceived ‘famous people’ because it is simply recognizing another’s life, trajectory, expertise and/or mastering in certain fields as yet another example of what we can do and become if we are equally diligent in the work and dedication to achieve something, which is a general trait that ‘famous people’ get to do, whether it is for constructive or destructive outcomes.

Of course the way to live fame a constructive type of fame is to become well known by one’s living example of being a solution to the world instead of a destructive role model for sure, so in that our own perceived ‘values’ over one another would have to veer toward valuing as in recognizing another individual as an example of our own potential based on how one lives by principles that recognize our equality and that consider at all times what is best for all.

Therefore, it is not to see these words of prestige, fame, recognition as a synonym of ‘superiority’ at all, but rather seeing them as the result and consolidation of their names as public figures based on the actual work they do, based on how they have contributed to the common good, which is ultimately someone that I can definitely say is respectable and for sure someone that should be recognized by all people for what they’ve done/ achieved in their lifetime. This is then the physical living and work talking for itself, which doesn’t make the person ‘more’ than another either, but simply realizing that yes they have done the actual work, they have done the actual walking of a particular point that took them to be in a certain position that they are in the world system.

 

 

 

It is interesting how even culturally we learn how to create a particular excitement or even fear when being around a particular ‘famous person,’ as if they were in fact having this ‘divine aura’ around them which doesn’t make sense as they are just humans too. Sure, one can have a particular fondness toward another individual but ultimately any person that does believe that they are ‘superior’ to others based on their fame, their work, their knowledge and information, their lifetime experience is in fact then acting from ego, and as such it is for sure their point to ultimately realize. But here, my point of self-responsibility is to ensure that I am not the one that is coming from/approaching another based on these value-systems that have led us to continue stratifying our society – this is unacceptable.

So, the corrective process is that when and as I see myself going into any slight refraction of a doubt when it comes to my ability and capability of approaching a person that I have defined as ‘important’ or ‘well known’ I make sure I identify what is it exactly that is creating the shift so that I can see what fear or what expectation came up that created such experience, and so I bring myself to the awareness that we are all human beings and there is no one ‘more than’ or ‘less than’ and so I should not place my mind’s eye as the ones to decide ‘who I am’ toward another or jumping into conclusions of ‘what the other people would ask of me’ but rather ensure that my decision to approach another is based on first of all, equality, support and the openness to dialogue and work together within the principle of what is best for all. I realize that I have to ensure that I do not use my past and my past experiences as a limitation toward approaching people or my fears/excitements or general ideas of ‘superior people’ as a veil for me to not act in common sense which means: being my own foundation and structure to give myself direction to do something based on the assessment of my ability and capability to do so.

In this, ‘who’ the other person is becomes irrelevant which means, my perception upon them is not to be used as a determining factor for it – this is about me assessing the benefit of such conversation, the potential supportive outcome of it that is best for all parts. Within this, is also necessary and quite valid to make a personal assessment of where I would require to sharpen up my studies and my review of information in order to be ‘up to date’ with what we could discuss in a conversation, but this does not mean that it’s also going to be some kind of ‘duel’ of knowledge and information either, because the starting point of this is precisely to share what each person gets to know of, understand and/or create as solutions that we can all share and learn from. Therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would have to be at certain level of ‘knowledge and info’ to be ‘ready’ to talk with another, which in a way it does make sense to be prepared but not to the level of ‘wanting to know it all’ already, otherwise, what would be the point of having a conversation with another if not to learn more from each other and so strengthen ourselves equally.

 

I realize that this is also the influence of the current debate programs and interview TV shows wherein some of the interviewers challenge the person they interview sometimes to the point of ‘who knows more’ or ‘who can win’ which is the whole ‘debating’ aspect that is actually detrimental to the public watching because we then recreate the notion that someone has to be absolutely right and others absolutely wrong or dismissed – instead of realizing that a conversation with people that I have not so much previous contact with should be about having them share their perspectives, learn and take what’s best as well as learn how to listen to the points that I might not agree with, however by creating an antagonism only on that we create further rifts and problems where the actual common ground can be dismissed, which is not cool, not acceptable in a world wherein it’s easier to wage wars than creating dialogues to establish ‘peace’ so to speak.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive people that have written out books or published an exorbitant amount of words as ‘more than myself’ and within this, realizing that if the starting point is placing ‘who am I’ as an individual against another individual, ego will always create a barrier and prevent me from actually expanding and rather learning from others. In this thus, I realize that I have to ensure that my own limitations carried from the past ‘learned inferiority’ toward certain individuals doesn’t become an obstacle to me actually stretching out hands and creating contact with people that I had regarded as ‘more’ than myself, and to always realize that whenever I see anyone as ‘more than myself’ I become the very continuation of the problem I am  trying to resolve which is inequality, which is the continuation of hierarchical values and the notion of ‘power’ and superiority embedded onto something/someone above ‘the rest.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up at ‘first try’ after contacting certain individuals, without realizing that my approach was still coming from this already ‘made up expectation’ of ‘they won’t accept/ they won’t even reply’ or else, which is then what happened and then became a form of ‘defeatism’ in terms of trying to approach certain individuals.

In this thus my sole responsibility is to ensure that I realize that it’s not ‘me’ that is asking for that interview, it’s about me as the principle and foundation I stand for and as with the purpose of learning from others, of sharing supportive outcomes for humanity that is asking for such interview – therefore I do not have to place myself as ‘my persona’ before me when doing my job which is to establish connections and communication with people no matter ‘who’ it is.

In this, I realize this is the point to apply, a practical equality toward people and stopping my mind’s view upon others based on ‘who’ I perceive they are, and instead I commit myself to focus on their words, their work, their visible and practical solutions and contributions to society, which is what I am interested as a person that represents an organization that stands for the principle of what is best for all life.  In this I have to also recognize myself and to not ‘devalue’ me based on the perceived ‘validations’ I would require to ‘make me/my words/what I stand for’ as ‘valid’ or ‘recognizable’ in the world system, as I realize that there is currently no such ‘validation’ and due importance given to the consideration and realization of life in equality, of supporting one another, of truly working together for best for all outcomes and so , how can I expect me/us to have such ‘recognition’ in a world that recognizes and places fame on the exact opposite?

There’s no visible honoring toward life yet so we have to build it from scratch so I commit myself to stop expecting some form of ‘validation’ or ‘recognition’ or ‘credits’ in order to give further steps of expansion within myself and my process of communicating with others – and instead rather recognize that it is our own work, our own consistency and dedication that which makes us valuable as the principles that we stand and live by – ultimately that’s just the value of life for life and that’s rather what I decide to dedicate myself to honor, to honor life not world-system credentials and ‘values’ placed in separation of who we really are as equals, which is also what’s worth while supporting and sharing with others.

 

I commit myself to imposing money-talk to others too wherein I value others based on ideas related to energy and money, which is not who we really are and so I rather develop a communication based on living principles where equality stands as our undeniable common ground to work on.

 

All Life Is Equal

 

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213. Opinionated Elitism: Intellectual Prickism

Revolutionary –Elitist Character – because all worry and concern about the system was not self-honest, but rather aiming at personal glory.

Continuation of the Elite Character

The Revolutionary Character:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I required a reason to stand up for life in equality as in having a particular ‘bad life’ or suffering in order to advocate a world system that will ensure all living beings are supported for life and in this, believe that any form of suffering was necessary for us to stand up, without realizing that such suffering, struggle and abuse has been he direct outflow of our own accepted and allowed existence in selfishness, self interest and utmost greed that leads to the negligence of other beings as ourselves, which leads to accepting and allowing a reality of abuse and neglect, simply because we were not apparently directly affected by it, when the reality is that we all are aware at some level of everything that goes on in this world, and that no matter how hard we try to ‘make our lives work’ and ‘try to make it’ in this world, we will never get to an actual state of well being unless we change the system that is currently fostering the conditions of abuse as a means to survive.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to comply and form my judgment about reality based on ‘critical opposition’ to a system that I thought had to ‘work for us’ no matter what, without ever questioning why it is that the only civil-obedience act that I would know of was paying for taxes and voting for political representation, never actually realizing that this world is the way it is because we have all collectively agreed to the non-sensical rules and regulations as ‘laws’ that are only benefitting a minority of the population that lives in opulence, while the majority  is neglected and side viewed by any form of human-rights and laws that could guarantee the general well being of mankind as equals, though because this would imply having no ability to abuse and exert power over someone that isn’t forced to ‘make a living’ to get by and survive, we simply agreed that living in optimum conditions would mean having to work/ having to have a constant struggle to ‘make it’ in this world, accepting this as the general imprint we grow up as children, always aiming at ‘getting better/ progressing/ developing’ but always witnessing things only going wrong, bad, corrupted, failing and within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start conforming to an apathy and general mocking of our politics and governmental systems due to believing that they were the only bad guys creating the problems I was witnessing in my environment as the country and the world, and that we, the people, had to ‘fight for our rights and be heard,’ generating an entire energetic personality of constant opposition, criticism, wanting to hoard as much knowledge and information about the world as possible so that I could ‘defend’ myself when being asked about my opinions about politics, economics and social matters. I realize that in this all I was not In fact looking at the actual reality of people, but mostly being entertained by numbers, graphics, pictures that I would see in the media in order to create a particular Experience about ‘how bad, how wrong and twisted the world is’ without ever even questioning my own participation within it as an equal-part that is responsible for Everything that goes on in this world, no matter what I do or what I don’t do, the sheer fact that we are living beings is already indicating that we have all tacitly agreed with the current ways the system works – and within that, any form of change cannot come only from a new system in place, but must be In place through our individual change and self correction within the understanding of what it is that Life must be as What is Best for All.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to for a while not question my reality further because of seeing that ‘out of my reach’ and seeing the understanding of how money works, how money is created and what the devaluation of our currency meant – beyond just ‘erasing’ three zeros’ – and simply brush it aside as if it was something that had ‘nothing to do with me’ at the moment. Not realizing that everything that was making my life work was not out of ‘nowhere’ but money that is what enabled me to continue living and being educated and existing only seeking for my own benefit, because it is quite clear how if I had any form of physical struggle to get money as in not having enough money, I would have questioned my  reality further  – yet I used the reality, the knowledge and information for my own benefit as a way to make myself ‘knowledgeable’ and what I’ve been tagging as ‘system savvy’ in order to perpetuate the intellectualism of the problems in the world to have interesting ‘talks’ with other people that would seem ‘equally interesting’ to me to do so, and within this never really actually SEEING the problems we were speaking about as the actual reality of people, but were only using it as a way to show off knowledge and information, have long talks over coffee and ‘plot’ some amusing plans to ‘overcome the system’ that would go no further than just that, talking and having no inkling of an actual plan, way and method to in fact create a change in this world – thus, my concern about the system must be seen not as an actual act of caring, but was also imprinted with my desire to start making a name for myself in order to get to be part of the Intellectual-Elite that could talk about the problems in the world and earn great money out of it. (Read: 207. Changing the World in Self Interest)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be ‘informed’ from an early age about what was happening in the world, but this was all based within self interest as in having the ability to Know more about the world, to be quite the ‘exceptional child’ that would not be amused by ‘childish games’ but would act as an adult in order to seem special and within this,once again, building up a point of specialness, superiority and recognition over time in order to get to be ‘the most’ everyone told me I could be, which became then an over-confidence as an Experience based on me being ‘opinionated’ and having ‘critical views’ on the world early on, which made me feel good when people would be amazed of my wits and knowledge and information, never really in myself even considering how what I was speaking about, was being actually lived and experienced in Reality by human beings that are also part of myself as everyone and everything that is here – which is how we have intellectualized reality instead of actually Understanding it in order to create a feasible way to change our living-ways and within this, promote an actual system-change.

 

I realize that my interest for the world matters was also in self interest for all of the above mentioned points: superiority, specialness, being ‘witty’ and system savvy wherein no real actual consideration of the lives of the people that I was generalizing with data and names and history was actually about. This is how once again, we are only able to intellectualize reality because of the protection and security that money is granting us, a select sector of the population that has been ‘gifted’ with the ability to have a dignified living, neglecting the majority that is out of our sight and only reduced to ‘world news’ of poverty, starvation, abuse, trafficking, animal extinction and wars that we see only as ‘interesting topics’ that will make us look like a person that Cares, but little did I even care to actually be and become a human being that understands the reasons and actual detail of why the lives of human beings have been neglected to such an extent that we’ve reduced Actual Lives to graphics, to GDP numbers and figures that in no way serve Life, in no way actually consider the living conditions of such people that are just forming parts of percentages, numbers and statistics that indicate an apparent growth or devaluation of life on Earth.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question how it was possible to have a ‘Devaluation’ of our currency which would be the same as ‘devaluing’ life in one way or another – within this, missing out all possible common sense that I could have considered if I had allowed myself to investigate further on  how money exists, and how money is created, and the actual laws and regulations that dictate our reality, but instead, only used such knowledge and information for my own personal benefit as a opinionated character, having some form of ‘criteria’ to speak about the world simply because of judging this as proper to educated and wealthy people. There you go, intellectualism exposed.

 

I Forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hide the fact that my interest on world matters was actually only based on attaining/ hoarding knowledge and information as a synonym of money, wherein I would be planning already how ‘great’ I was going to be when having had a life of being informed on social matters, politics, trying to understand wall street and becoming a news junky just so that I could give lectures/ talks about my education, my ‘awareness’ of the problems of the world while gaining a name for myself as this type of ‘good being’ that would fight for social justice and a revolution,  without being self honest with myself to see how the starting point of this all was in self interest and not really caring about investigating the actual lives of the people I could be naming as general figures and numbers that we use in order to sound ‘cool’ and ‘intelligent,’ while neglecting even asking why such numbers and figures of poverty, starvation, war, crime, unemployment, rise of prices and any other act of corruption existed in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that exposing my selfish desires to ‘help the world’ would make me a ‘bad person’ not realizing that we have all been living lives masking our self interest with benevolence, goodness and ‘good will’ that has never in fact existed, as if it really had existed, we would have done something already about this world. Thus,

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to plan/ plot and project a life for myself based on being an ‘aware’ being, like the ultimate intellectual that could talk about all spheres of life in order to sound interesting, to even find a partner that could ‘fill in the gaps’ with more knowledge and information as an ‘intelligent being and socially aware – whatever such tag would in any way imply as ‘worthy’ to me – and a social-group of people that I could fit in based on my desires to have friends in elitist-intellectual positions as I deemed that to be ‘my spot’ within my life, and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to admire, even idolize people that were these ‘examples’ in my life of what it was to read a ton of books, have huge libraries in their houses, collect art, have the ultimate sybarite lifestyle while being very aware of the system and talking about change while eating some form of delicacy with wine, which was the precise type of social reunions that I wanted to preserve in my life – and I repeat: while theorizing about the problems in the world, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value who a person is according to the education they have, the knowledge and information about ‘the world system’ that they have memorized, because of having created my own standards of intelligence based on knowledge and information placed ‘at the service of humanity,’ which is where the revolutionary-intellectual character exists, never realizing that within this, I was supporting the very cogwheels that make this wordl system turn wherein knowledge and information is valued more than life, wherein all money is valued more than life without understanding how there could be no money, no real value if there was no actual physicality that we could in any way put a price tag on, including ourselves as ‘knowledgeable beings’ that can sell such ‘wits’ within the academic and intellectual circles in the form of books, lectures and general elitist-status of social investigators that may propose a ton of ways to create a change in this world but never in fact even consider how to make it a reality as a process of Self Responsibility by the individuals, because all solutions were only looked at in the form of opposition, revolution and further criticism of the system without looking at the monetary system as the source and core of the problem that must be corrected and aligned in this world to support Life in Equality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to also use this accumulation of knowledge and information to gain the tags that people would generally see me as ‘acculturated intelligent person’ which became part of my ‘steps toward success’ in this world system because of having done all the research and deliberate accumulation of knowledge and information for my own benefit, to seem like a good doer, revolutionary, future ‘leader’ of change in self interest. I see and realize that there could be no actual good intention the moment that I was using knowledge and information as a form of reputation that I could later on Sell to the same system I was trying to oppose. I realize that within this world system, I tis not not oppose it or retaliate against it and try and make a living out of doing so, but instead become part of the system, educate myself, support other’s education in order to recognize the fact that there is nothing to oppose, but to align, correct and direct to an outcome that is best for all.

 

I realize that whenever self interest as our own personal benefit is in place when trying and ‘do good’ to this world can only backfire as a self-deception that we have to take self responsibility for, and that it is not to be judged any further other than taking the necessary actions to align our lives and our dedication to understanding reality not as a way to abuse such knowledge and information for our own benefit, but to in fact self-forgive any remains of personal/ selfish interest about ‘changing the world’ / making a change and take the necessary actions to be self responsible which doesn’t exist ‘out there’ as some major reform in the system at the moment, it begins with our every seemingly ‘unimportant’ thoughts in our head whenever we place ourselves on top of others, whenever we want to be ‘right,’ whenever we want to have the ‘right answer’ all the time which is a point that is not indicating anything else but the desire to remain in a knowledgeable and righteous position that actually does a lot of harm upon reality, wherein intellectualism has become part of the general abstraction of reality into nice words and pictures to depict the reality, instead of actually investigating how Reality operates, why such people have been neglected, how our very own lives depend on their suffering and abuse and how our very worlds of elitist first world lifestyles are stemming from another’s endless laboring days in conditions that no knowledge and information can change in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see the desire of changing the world as a ‘noble act’ within our society that I had to attain to in order to be part of a select-renowned group of people as an artist or intellectual, or linguist or whatever that I could be and become in order to get my ‘big part of the cake’ while holding an image of a ‘good doer’ in my society, and be known and praised and recognized for that, without realizing to what extent I had simply then acted in self interest all the time and never really caring as the actual expression of what that word implies about the reality of the people and situations and events I was only reducing to long strips of words that were not lived at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read people’s biographies as in revolutionary people, artists mostly  as examples of what I wanted to be and become and within this starting point of fame, recognition, getting to be part of history books, desire to get to the ‘top’ and be ‘superior’ within my society as knowledgeable person/ an intellectual of ‘the greatest kind’ wherein I learned how this type of recognition was an acceptable way of becoming rich/ wealthy while still holding on a façade of ‘activist’ as a ‘good doer.’ I realize that I deliberately neglected the absurdity and paradox I would have made of myself by becoming rich out of opposing the system and the lack of integrity that really exists in all our so-called intellectual spheres in this world, where it is very nice and simple to talk and talk and talk about the problems in this world, blame the government or any other institution and always avoiding seeing one’s own life and the decisions made based on wanting to obtain a point of benefit in absolute self interest.

 

I commit myself to continue writing the revolutionary-elitist character out, in order to see how even in what could be spotted as ‘good intentions’ there were actual greedy interests behind it, most likely wishing to succeed only at an individual level and forgetting about the actuality, the physicality the actual living conditions of the people that are reduced to numbers, stories, figures that are sold in books and lectures and further story-telling journalism without proposing an actual living solution that can Stop such abuse and negligence in humanity. I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System as the common sense that is necessary in this world, which can hold no specialness or hero-like action, this is about the reality that should have always been but were too busy satisfying/ satisFRYING our own egos.

 

This will continue

 

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Rewards and the gore of Glory

reward
n    noun a thing given in recognition of service, effort, or achievement.
a fair return for good or bad behavior.
a sum offered for the detection of a criminal, the restoration of lost property, etc.
n    verb give a reward to. show one’s appreciation of (an action or quality) by making a gift.
(be rewarded) receive what one deserves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a system of rewards wherein all actions, thoughts and spoken words that I expressed have been exerted from the starting point of seeking a reaction, seeking a reward as that fulfilling experience that ‘makes me feel good’ which is nothing else but a confirmation of existing as the mind and ego wherein we then give into valuing and worthing ourselves according to such such reactions and responses within the justification and curse of action of ‘reaping what you sow’ with an added self interest and not only within the single realization of being contributing to what creates what’s best for all – I stop from supporting and existing within/as a system that doesn’t know how to move without getting something in exchange.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and measure myself according to what others say and react to in relation to what I place as a point of stimuli seeking reactions within words, images, actions – within this being part of the machinery that runs in this system wherein we follow adds and beliefs that will give us the ‘most reward’, the ‘greatest feeling/experience’ which only focuses on enhancing an ego-experience instead of supporting self movement without seeking something in exchange –

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of reward/ seeking recognition/ seeking personal-glory the single motif to move instead of having made myself the single starting point and end point of my thoughts, words, deeds as part of the self-creative process in equality, wherein there is nothing to earn, noting to lose, no superlatives to create as I realize that it is the very system of values that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as that perpetuates the current world system that lives in separation of self-worth, self-value as LIFE itself. I stop from participating within this continuous search and quest for obtaining a reward, a confirmation that feeds only the ego of the mind and not all that is here in equality as common sense.

 

I place myself in the position of being the cause and end of whatever I say, do and speak meaning, this will be an accumulative process for all equally and not to feed my ego/mind/ idea of self.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been motivated to excel in school for the sake of ‘feeling good’ for ‘having done well in school’ which would then place me in a place of honor wherein everyone wanted to be in ‘my place’ and within this, tacitly accepting that there would be those ‘below me’, those that hadn’t been ‘good enough’ to be next to me which developed a sense of injustice that I could not understand at that time yet within this accepting and allowing  the system of winning and losing as if it was something that I had to accept to be ‘proud ‘of conquering.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of this life an eternal game of winning and losing, of fighting to ‘keep my place’, of creating endless rivalries towards others for the sake of keeping myself ‘on top’ wherein there would then be those that were below and within this, accepting and allowing to trigger reactions within me and others due to the segregation and discrimination that such ‘honors’ create when being in school.  This must stop as part of the schooling system and must be seen for what it is: a harmful way of creating ‘incentives’ for kids to learn and excel in school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept any form of reward as a child for ‘getting good grades’ wherein I accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel good’ for having obtained such first places which ‘made me happy’ because it made my parents happy and I would be able to obtain stuff from it which then would make this the point of motivation in separation of myself, even if I would deny the ‘reward’ at times, in the back of my head it felt good.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to walk in zig-zag going back and forth between wanting to be recognized and then being embarrassed or not wanting to be ‘seen’ and thus hide or pretend to be humble while in fact, the thought and experience that would come with the multiple recognitions became part of ‘who I was’ which even if I denied to a certain extent, it became part of the self-worth and how I would perceive myself as a human being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever feel ‘bad’ about getting recognitions because of going into thoughts of what others/those that didn’t ‘win’ would be thinking about me and my position and within this, fearing being envied and fearing being later on ‘hated for being perfect’ as this is in fact what I had to walk through when going to school.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny such rewards later on yet secretly rejoicing and feeling good about having created a ‘good impression’ within people according to being someone that would always get ‘the first places’ wherein I would then give into the polarity of feeling bad for those that couldn’t have it easy in school – within this never actually questioning why there had to be such obnoxious ‘displays of ego’ as honor-spots for getting ‘good grades’ wherein I learned what it is to envy, what it is to be envied and within this allowing myself to be extremely hurt when people around me would desire to be in my spot and I would then become ‘ashamed’ of having such distinction/separation which led me to rejecting being in such a  conflictive position which I then developed into closing myself off due to fearing ‘overshadowing others’.

It is now clear how this single point developed as a form of desire/rejection of being recognized / seeking recognition wherein in this attempt to ‘equalize’ myself to those that I was taught were ‘less fortunate’ than myself, I engaged in relationships with people that were mostly the opposite of what I was in school which is the ‘me’ that I sought to escape away from, resulting in the creation of a more radical personality, not knowing how to direct my inconformity with the world that would value and worth you according to how obedient you were towards the system. All of this caused extensive inner conflict which I then translated into seeking spirituality, drugs or relationships wherein I could apparently worth/value myself for ‘who I really am’ which was mostly the idea that I created of myself in opposition to the one personality that stood as an ‘A’ Student and an ‘example for all’ to follow’, which bred the same system of comparison instead of simply supporting each other to become equal in potential to be/become what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system of rewards and punishment as schooling system wherein you get a point of ‘distinction’ that instead of encouraging someone to ‘become better’ it might turn the other way around when not being supported effectively to become equal to our fullest potential – within this instead of motivating kids/ people, we seclude ourselves into eternal comparison and constant rivalry of winning and losing that only feeds the ego of the mind .

This is how parents, teachers literally supported my delusion of being special, of being quite a ‘unique student’ and thus as a result triggering extensive envy and rejection from my fellow school mates which then lead me to go through extensive suffering for having being bullied as a ‘smart ass’ and suffering the envy of those that I deemed my ‘best friends’. It was quite harsh at that time, being 6/7 years old and realizing that your so called best friends could literally turn their back against you in one moment, I just couldn’t understand it. Later on the same people would simply be fed up by the recognition I’d get which lead to further comparisons that made me wonder why on Earth isn’t everyone able to just ‘be a s good in school’ – you know, sometimes we only see the one ‘fucked up side of the coin’ without pondering on how it obviously also gets to affect those who are seemingly ‘on top’ – it did create quite an inner conflict, yet I didn’t give that up because I still held myself as that requirement to ‘excel’.

Sustaining an ‘ego-status’ in this world is linked to money = sustaining the system of greed as ourselves. 

When we are in school we are taught to compete against each other for the ‘first place’, for being ‘the best in our class’ as this will ensure that, as we grow up, we enter the system living out the point of ‘I must beat the other to get the best job/place in society wherein I can make the most money’ and within this competitiveness is bred, ensuring a false sense of improvement that only provides fresh never ending energy placed into the attainment process of such ‘powerful/ superior’ position. I forgive myself that I have accepted this very single act of separation and value over Life itself to become the single mechanism of how this world operates, disregarding Life and everyone as equal.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my classmates that would tell me how they wanted to get my cardex to show it off to their parents so they could get awesome stuff as a reward for them getting excellent grades in school without realizing that within me having accepted such rewards in any form – either money stuff or single remarks of ‘achievement’ I was in essence complying to creating my self-worth and value according to such rewards obtained by others.

This entire pedestal position bothered me as much as I would react when not getting such recognition – This entire conflict here was implanted at an early age by the single acceptance of giving value to myself according to how obedient and how ‘well’ I did in school which I was taught would be the ‘value of my life/ who I am’ which I accepted as real and thus, continued placing effort into being a ‘good student’ for the sake of maintaining a reputation and a certain status that as much as I said I loathed, I would also enjoy due to then being able to stand as a ‘special person’, being acknowledged by others within that and enhancing a sense of popularity  – this encouraged my beliefs and ideas of being someone ‘unique’ yet remaining within the same conflict of ‘why can’t everyone have it as easy as well?’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always had to get a reward for anything I did or say towards others and basing my existence on the quality and nature of such rewards wherein I could confirm that ‘I am accepted/worthy/ valuable person’ or ‘Rejected/ unworthy/ invaluable’ based on what others could assess and say about me according to the system standards that I have tacitly accepted and allowed my the single allowance of identifying myself as such attributes and qualifications.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to delegate such power to others without realizing that this is the very way I learned to ‘exist’ in this world from an early age wherein every time I didn’t get the recognition I wanted, whenever I didn’t get the attention required, I would resort into further seclusion and hostility, a form of anger for having delegated who I am as only being this ‘excellent student’ which lead me to retreat and seek other ways of recognition wherein the apparent ‘intelligence/smartness’ I had would take no place in defining ‘who I am’ – within this seeking the studies and careers wherein I could essentially deviate as much as possible from using what I understood then as intelligence and my ‘natural abilities’ which were part of the preprogrammed assets that create extensive inequality in this world.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by preprogramming and limit/ seclude myself further by wanting to oppose such programming yet never actually realizing I did as I was meant to do which was the single point of conflict that would ensure I would remain in eternal conflict towards myself, my position and the world instead of focusing on creating me from a new-starting point wherein I can take what I am effective at and optimize myself in all other points wherein I perceived myself to be flawed.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play such a role of always being ‘on top’ and ‘recognized’ to the point of creating myself as the type of affable personality wherein I could then seek to be worthy and recognized according to my personality, likes and dislikes. This lead me to then seeking the opposite as in seeking to create a ‘new me’ based not on these previous self-definitions but instead seeking worth and value  by people that were not familiar with ‘who I was’ in school. Within this I didn’t realize how in my attempt to spite the system, to spite my family and everyone around that held this idea of myself as intelligent/good person/ responsible, I spited myself wherein I allowed myself to indulge into things that I wouldn’t have done if I hadn’t been driven by an ego that sought to redeem itself from an early accepted and allowed position. Within this creating conflict only for myself and seeking to go ‘against the tide’ for the sake of redeeming myself as the other side of the coin.

 

It is only now that my preprogramming is challenged that I can see how fear was an obvious drive to do and be what I was, even if I talked myself into believing I was doing it for myself, it was also for the sake of keeping that ego wherein as much as I believed myself to ‘not care’ about such positions, I would and within this create a sense of acceptance or rejection by others.

 

I had almost forgotten how this single point of being accepted/ rejected was so draining, we literally spent our lives trying to be accepted, acknowledge and get a certain position as a ‘reward’ to our application, to our effort, doing it for all and everything else but ourselves – or even if the ‘I do it for myself part’ it was never truly unconditional.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only act based on ‘what I will earn’ instead of every having actually directed myself to do and be something – I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be unconditional in my expression but always expecting a single point of confirmation that I exist, fulfilling within this the sense of  the ‘me’ that exists as a a mind consciousness system that is constantly seeking to feed itself to keep existing.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept the idea of a heaven wherein I would be rewarded for having been a ‘good person’ in this life – with this single belief accepting the soul-system as the determining factor of my good or bad karma as the ability to decide whether I had been ‘good’ or ‘bad ‘ and decide accordingly the type of experience I’d get after I died which implied I believed in an afterlife wherein all my actions, words and deeds would be reviewed by a ‘superior’ and then give me the ‘eternal life’ accordingly.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shape and mold myself according to ‘how the system works’ and accepting that for everything and anything I do I must obtain something back in ‘equal worth/value’ to that which I am giving away hence never actually being unconditional within what I said, did, wrote.

This idea created yet another conflict because apparently I learned that not asking for anything in return was something actually ‘stupid’ to do – then if asking ‘too much’I’d feel ‘guilty’  due to the same acceptance of the current system wherein everything I’ve got has a certain value which is all linked ultimately to money.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in a system of compensation and punishment which stand as the polarity of judging our actions as ‘good/worthy’ or ‘bad/ inadequate’ which we then accepted as ‘who we are’ and allowed myself to be defined accordingly within the world system that stands as a hierarchical system wherein the more you comply to god/ the system, the better position and compensations you have – and instead accepting and approving the fact that those that stood outside of the norm should get punished and eventually denied any sense of self-worth.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stand in one side of the pole that ensured that the rest could virtually not obtain the same results I had as no two bodies could occupy the same space and within this, accepting the fact that another had to be on top and another below.

 

I can say that I continued with such application of ‘being a good student’ throughout my latest studies in art school – though the starting point changed, it wasn’t for the sake of obtaining a number but simply doing what I required to do as part of school, taking responsibility for what needs to be done. This is something that I would explain to people when they would ask ‘how do you do it’? I saw that many were motivated by getting some reward by teachers, parents and the system, I would simply reply that this was the single point of responsibility I had and so I simply did what had to be done.

So, acting from the starting point of ourselves is one challenge in a world built-up as a system of rewards, yet this can be changed within ourselves in allowing us to see the starting point of why we speak, write, share, do and direct ourselves in everything we do from a common-sense starting point of being a single supportive point for self-realization, for self-equalization as Life in all ways. This can be done so, let’s walk as it.

 

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                  Stopping the hierarchy within the system begins with ourselves


Motive-Action: No reason behind it but Self as Life

Through writing myself I discovered how throughout my life I had motivated myself day by day through relying on outside-points to keep going, I would hang on dreams and events that would ‘make my day’ – and I can’t deny about that being supportive in a way – yet it became obvious how depending on external factors lead to an experience of uncertainty within myself.

Motivation – self motivation – that was quite a point to walk through and still walking as I’ve had to let go of the dreams that became my motivation, I had to let go of expecting something of myself or someone that would ‘make my day’ – and by this I mean from seeing someone, from achieving something, from going somewhere – all about experiences, little flickering lights that would light my way so to speak.

Though once I realized that I couldn’t keep up to this, I had to become my own motivation, self-motivation yet I realized that I hadn’t actually cared for myself, I had built myself around an idea that was built in terms of how I wanted to be seen by others, in terms of ‘making a statement’ of how I viewed the world so in essence creating and molding myself as an apparent eccentric person that would still be defined according to the ‘center’ of society – this works in similar way as to how an atheist defines themselves according to the non existence of god – I did the same in terms of being the opposite of the ‘mainstream’ and within that, creating a ‘space’ for myself here in terms of being an outcast of sorts.

This indicated to me that I had created a limited space within reality where I could fit in, it’s fascinating because we’re the only ones that go creating such categories and ‘spaces’ like that, it’s not really something that is already-existent, we merely exist as this program that seeks for its ‘space’ and defines itself accordingly. So my ‘space’ was that of having never actually supported myself, never actually having embraced and accepted myself which made that motivation something quite difficult to walk through, because I hadn’t done something for myself, it all had been for the sake of something/someone else – and within that, I had to face the reality of the situation: I had never actually cared for myself to the extent of doing things as me for me –

Through writing myself I realized that such care wasn’t coming ‘naturally’, I discovered how anything I did was in relation to ‘the rest of the world’ and not really me being the starting point of it all – I didn’t care for myself and till this day I can say that such ‘carelessness’ lead me to self-abuse in certain ways that I’m still facing today.  This inherent desire to have another point to validate my existence – a.k.a. relationship – and seeking my worth and value within that became the modus vivendi for myself for quite sometime wherein I could only exist and define myself according to ‘who I was for such person’ – I couldn’t stand or bare to be alone and so within walking this process I’ve learned how to embrace myself, be by myself and get to enjoy myself again – such a self-given gift really, I realized how much I had forgotten about me within that, and I see that I still tend to do that which I am simply placing a ‘flag’ upon because, I can’t be focusing on ‘the outside’ more than I do on the ‘inside’.

Within this, self-motivation which is moving you for you, as you for the sake of supporting yourself entails first getting to stand within self respect, self-forgiveness is definitely a requirement to get to a point of dignity as ourselves, to finally allow ourselves to care for ourselves if we’ve never actually done that. When we realize all that we’ve done and how we disregarded our physical body, ourselves as life it comes as a bucket of cold water, yet it’s necessary for the sake of realizing that we’ve got to create that care, that acceptance and that self-support that’s never ever been promoted as part of what being a human being is, we’ve always been only taught to ‘work hard’ and ‘have great expectations of ourselves’ yet never actually learning how to motivate ourselves for ourselves within the understanding and acceptance of who we are as life – never has that been explained or even considered as part of being a human being.

The motivation that I’ve created for myself as myself doesn’t rely on hopes or wishful thinking of a better world, the motivation that I have is realizing that I’m part of a group of human beings that are standing up for life – I seriously doubt that I could’ve done this alone, by myself and within this it’s obvious that I realize that Desteni is that point available for everyone, all of us that are actually willing to support ourselves as life. The motivation that I’ve created as myself is seeing that I am no longer only supporting these systematic experiences wherein I would go seeking some feeling or emotion to ‘be alive’ but instead realize that it’s up to me to create myself as someone that is stable, self-directive and considering what’s best for all – in essence walking through the steps to be and stand as an actual dignified living being so that I can support in the implementation of a new way of existing – a new way of living in this world wherein we’re no longer motivated by money, by fame, glory or sex – but actually moving ourselves as the will of life we are to stand as equals and create a world that will be simply best for all – a reality that we’ll all be enjoying ourselves to live in.

At the moment I realize this is rather a point that seems too difficult to grasp, I get you – though, I am definitely here to stand as this point of self-support because I see and realize that my ‘life’ being miserably depressed lead me nowhere but to ensure I remained in a state of confusion, self abuse, eternal wonderings and most prominently seeking answers that would’ve made no difference to this reality whatsoever.

Here I place the importance of walking as a group – here I call on Desteni but we also place it within the context of humanity in its entirety. Finding people that are actually willing to care in equal terms has been definitely supportive from the very beginning. At moments where I can’t find that self-motivation, I take it back to the point of doing it for the sake of who I am as part of the group as equals – within that I can support myself in leading myself back to that self respect and self-support that I had realized is perfectly possible before. We’ve gotta ground ourselves from swaying back and forth within this –
If I move myself then it must be constant and consistence – this doesn’t imply ever only existing moving myself– this means within the terms of actually supporting myself in continuing this process as myself, supporting myself to remind myself what is it that I am doing here and how I am walking this as we certainly tend to lose that ‘grasp’ of reality at times. This is only a temporary bridge until we realize ourselves as self movement and within that not basing our application within a separate outcome or for a certain purpose/goal in separation of ourselves.
Equality is a point of motivation – finally dignifying LIFE as it always should’ve been – Self Honesty is  a point of motivation as it is within this way of existing that people will learn to consider all participants within all actions – this is the most excruciating part at the moment considering the state of possession we’re living as humanity – yet not impossible.
See, there is no ‘hope’ as I rather move myself to create a better future, there is no ‘faith’ required but on myself as that ability to reassure to myself that I can walk and breathe and do whatever is required to be done for the ultimate goal which is Equality as the certainty of who we are as life – this sounds ‘cool’ but in essence it is only within this that we can actually realize our full potential devoid of a personal interest that usually separates the outcomes into personalized ideas which is where people tend to go into ego.
Moving as one has a single outcome and motive-for-action: equality as life –within this it is the one point we can all agree is required to create and where we can all agree that our fullest potential exists. Therefore I have decided to live my life through this principle, to make myself the motivation for my own walking due to Equality being the single most prominent and important outcome that we require to realize as ourselves first.

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Self motivation:

Self is the motive to act and live to create a dignified living for all as what’s best for all which is best for myself wherein I am the beginning and end of my day to day living – there is no separate reason to it as I live by principle which is applicable to all equally and I move and create this as myself breath by breath through time and space till it’s done.

There is no ‘reason’ required to move, but only realizing myself as self will and within that the movement of it becomes self-motivation – always back to self without creating a separate point for me to move, act and direct.


Leaving Dreams to Live the Dream into Reality

I Threw some rocks off in the sea.

And by this I mean downloading that which we have seen for ourselves already yet probably not exposed as such before, but merely let go of while walking and realizing that there is some weight we all carry around like stones – memories.

Letting go of memories is part of walking this process of Self Honesty within the realization that: I am not my memories as I am not this prefab mind that has existed only with the purpose of fulfilling some preordained life-track that I’ve merely followed as ‘myself’ as ‘who I am’, believing myself to be all the feelings and emotions that I had experienced, that’d take me to that up and down ride in quite a disruptive manner – man, it wasn’t cool. Even if I’d kid myself about ‘feeling alive’ when going in these rides, I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to keep myself existing that way for a long time, seemed to tiring, seemed like I could drive myself nuts at any time – yeah, that’s how it was when I’d participate on the mind extensively mostly generating emotions and feelings around this.

A part of the rocks I’ve thrown at the sea is all these dreams that I had in relation to ‘who I want to be’ – lol when I write this several images come up and a twitch on my left knee indicate: yep, this is it: Egoland!

Sweet Dreams are Made of this

So! First memory of ‘what I wanted to be’  was an astronaut. As a kid – and I didn’t even know how to read at that age so it must’ve been a bit early on – I used to take this book about the space travels and the universe and I’d go page by page looking at the pictures just wanting to be Buzz Aldrin or someone like that. I seriously considered on my early ages becoming one until my oldest sister said: nah, your eyesight is not cool and your heart has a slight arrhythmia – you would never make it past their rigorous medical exams to test health condition. So, I gave up the dream just like that – saw myself unfit for it.

Next on was ‘ I wanna be in a rock band’ yeah! As a ‘kid’ later on mostly around 7 I became fond of watching music videos on MTV. I developed a taste for the rebels that I’d see on tv as ‘rock people’ and so, yeah I wanted to be one of them. My heroes weren’t cartoon people but women that were leading rock bands or any other girl that’d be in all-male bands so, you can get the picture of it. I developed a lot of my then personality around that, extensively – though I’ve accepted some of those traits as myself to be open and share and express regardless of any limitation I perceived, so that’s cool – yeah won’t deny I also walked through the ‘shadowy’ part of it, but that’s another story. Being in a band was my ‘third option’ in terms of ‘professional career’

The dream I had when I was on my teens – this was around 2001 was – and I’m gonna write it literally – being the editor in chief of Spin magazine – lol. Yes I enjoyed music, I still do, I was obsessed with music and had gathered a lot of information about it, I was a devoted music junky for some time which occupied most of my time so I was kind of ‘preparing’ myself because I wanted to someday get an internship at that magazine and ‘make it’ to New York and have a super fab loft living on the big apple, having some nice coffee next door, writing for this magazine, hanging out with artists and party in New York. I used to read books that were mostly related to or based in New York, lots of Beat books and generation x-related content. I wanted to ‘make it’ through my writing and at the same time, be writing for what I then thought was ‘the coolest music magazine ever’. Lol I actually got to know more about that job and how demanding and actually nut-driving it is, hardcore stuff – won’t say names of the source of info, but I’m glad I got to know that I didn’t actually pursue that dream. Lol ‘pursue’, I didn’t buy into the dream any further later on when my interests started veering towards other directions.

In between the music-magazine editor point, I simply wanted to write books – that’s still able to be done as a self-supportive action so I wont’ count that one off just yet –

Next was what eventually became my career: I want to be an artist in terms of painting, photographer or something related to visual arts. After I had spent some time playing the guitar and bass I realized that I enjoyed music too much but stressed me out to play – well there’s actually kind of a back story within this. Okay I’ll share because it’s relevant to see how we accept and allow ourselves to be limited by others. My then friend/partner would be very critical towards me playing, I would be quite nervous when playing with him, I felt unsure about the sound of it all and even if he taught me and was doing it to make everything sound better, I started simply fearing playing with him and within that suppressing myself and believing that I’m not ‘good enough’ to play music – so I stopped. I would not be chasing a career in music either as I didn’t see it as a practical thing to do in terms of my context and I stopped practicing as much to dedicate myself to painting wherein I thought I had found the ‘true love’ lol.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression and believe that I wasn’t ‘good’ at playing instruments without realizing that I wasn’t only playing at the standards and requirements of another – within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself believing that I had to stop playing music because of not being ‘good at it’ and within that, simply leaving the entire music creation based on that single self-accepted belief of ‘what I’m good at’

I realize I only limited myself out of my own belief and taking others’ judgments as a fact of ‘who I am’ which is the point I forgive myself for to never allow myself to belittle myself in terms of being capable of doing something out of the belief, idea as judgment that I could ever harbor within myself upon myself.

So yes, it was 2003 and Marlen got a craving for painting. I limited myself within it from the very beginning, I knew I’d be wanting to make lots of paintings so I bought some cheap watercolors which were more like colorful liquid inks and started working with that for the entire summer. I had ‘so much to say’ … looking at my pictures back then I could see much of the stuff I had participated in terms of being a self-tormented being, belittling myself, seeing myself as unworthy and kind of existing in this constant desire for a certain relationship – man it sucked but painting and doing ‘my thing’ became a resort through my highschool years – that’s where I began drawing. Never saw myself as ‘great’ doing it, but I knew I had something to say, probably never had the virtuoso skills but still that’s the dream that I chased far enough.

When I finished highschool, I wanted to go straight into arts school but my parents didn’t want me to leave home and go to the ‘big city’ so, I applied and got into university in my home city wherein I studied my second choice for one year: literature and linguistics. That was cool for a while but I knew I could not spent my days revisiting old greek books and trying to find something else in there – I wanted to create. And so after long hours of discussing the point, I got actually motivated by a then friend of mine to apply for two art schools in Mexico City – and so I did. Lol I was so fearful because I knew that there was a possibility for my parents to not allow me to do it, or support me in that, but I did it anyway and it turned out I got into the National Arts School and so the ‘dream’ began.

I was so happy for having ‘made it’, like actually convincing my parents to go there and convincing myself that ‘this was it’ that I was going to actually do what I had always wanted to be: an artist.

I breathe and I’m here – I began that career in the fall of 2006, just today I saw an exhibition of the art work that people do on their first year – you can see all the ‘dreams’ in their work, that drive, that dedication. I was like that the first year full on, head on, seeking to have the best reputation which I kind of obtained from my teachers that year. Living alone and so forth was like ‘liberating’ in so many ways, totally enjoyed it.

Second year began and my drive to ‘search’ for something else than art began – or the mix thereof with a ‘higher purpose’. Yes, the lightworker design was kicking in a lot and so I spent hours and hours not paying much attention to art but philosophies and religions and occultism because I was seeking for God – lol. Now I laugh but man, it was quite extensive to say the least. One of my dreams was creating a new religion, an all encompassing religion, one that would bring the best of all that I had read into one – fascinating because I ‘d take notes and kind of get overtly excited about it at the time. I wanted to have a ‘certainty’ of the religion/ practice I’d follow to then base my art upon it and create a new ‘sacred art’ devoted for that single ‘dream’ that I had of serving god or serving a ‘greater purpose’ and what I had deemed was my ‘Mission in Life’

LOL Yeah the infamous mission in life – okay, so that all mixed up with my intense desires of being famous which actually got me into having my first artist flick in an exhibition abroad wherein I got to see the ‘true colors’ of fame and art as a business and so forth – had a great time in what I called the beginning of the end of Marlen as that bunch of dreams started crumbling down. I’m so glad I had that early experience on ‘being an artist’ and doing promotion and having the life of a ‘famous one’ man, it sucks! lol and I was so into ‘meditation’ and ‘stilling the mind’ and all Alan Watts type of books that to me having to be ‘promoting myself’ was too disruptive for the ego that I was creating of a calm and “spiritual being” while I was already quite hooked on weed which would lead me to buy in some other country and kind of being driven by that desire all the time – yikes. Anyways, the downward spiral began there, november 20007. I knew there was something going on like ‘death’ was on the air. Yes the death of all those dreams because I saw myself not enjoying it – art, fame, fortune suddenly seemed like a nasty thing to be craving for and so all I wanted is for it to end though, I can see how I required to go through that to then be able to say: this is it! This is not my idea of a good time.

Got back to Mexico, school and the ‘glory’ of a first exhibition abroad, saw how easy it is to grow one’s ego upon stuff like that, saw how easy it is to take on the role that the world expects you to play. I breathe and I’m here and I remember how from there I wanted to create a non-mainstream type of art, a ‘sacred art’. Got myself into more esoteric stuff, alchemy, tarot, many other stuff until I got to the mayan calendar and from there into Desteni.

I don’t require to explain anything else from there on – all the dreams crumbled down when I realized what a selfish mind I had been all the way, just wanting to have all the fame, fortune and glory and promoting some ‘god’ that doesn’t exist. I had quite a breakdown the first few days like ‘Oh my god! I’m not Real! this has all been a scam!’ Lol – but anyways got over it as I started exchanging emails with people at Desteni and got immediate support to start walking my process – that was January/Febuary 2008 and the rest is history.

Right now I’ve completed my credits on this career and I’ll certainly open up points that I see in relation to that ‘dream’ that I followed and the reality of it at this moment and how I’m linking that to the actual creation and creative process of creating myself as an actual human living being.

Throwing such stones of ‘dreams’ away seemed like the hardest thing to do at some point for me – they were this ‘thing’ that would apparently ‘keep me running’, like this ‘chase’ that I was striving for and willing to do anything for. It became quite clear how when I realized that all those dreams stood for nothing else than personal glory that I had in fact never ever considered dedicating myself to something that could be Best for All – I saw myself as having ‘something to say’ in relation to changing the world, but never actually becoming that point myself first. So I had to stop being a wreck of emotions and feelings and habits that were certainly unsustainable and got myself on-line with regards to myself, extensively self forgiving my past, letting go of regrets, letting go of the relationship that I had literally built myself around to keep in place – man, that was a hard one and till this day I still get thoughts on that, imagine therefore: constant self direction is required – and other points had to be let go of such as seeking this ‘fame’ that I had realized was not what I was looking for.

It became fascinating to see how everything that I did within Desteni became that actual rewarding self experience for myself. I finally ‘felt’ that I had found my place as I was starting to create myself as that which is supportive themselves and supporting others on the way – this is simply IT I mean, what other dream is there to fulfill but the actual realization of who we are as Life and within that actually creating a world that’s best for all? I wanted that, I sought for that but never found the way to it.

We got the way, we are here creating and paving the way beginning with ourselves. I threw out those rocks of illusions and dreams to actually get myself grounded on my two feet and actually work with myself to stop pursuing dreams and get into creating myself as a single point in this reality that can take on a position to create an actual change in this world, a position of supporting this entire process, a position wherein I’m most effective within the overall outcome which must be Equality as Life – and from this it’s actually walking the dream that I had sought for through my existence, yet all the preprogrammed desires had to be placed aside to actually get to see that I can actually will myself to do this without it being a pre-laid desire or wish to do in my reality. That’s where self creation kicks in, that’s where self-will and the actual movement of myself within this comes in.

The weight is off as I’ve seen the ‘dreams’ for the illusions they were, for the personal desires they stood for which were all experienced based really, all but flicks of spontaneous glitter that would inevitably go off leaving me with the same ‘void’ that I tried to ‘fill’ from the very beginning.

Once I realized there is no void to be empty of, but to actually start considering myself as all that exist I am in the process of creating myself as that dream that is doable, feasible within the terms of what’s best for all – the dream is no longer ego-based but life-based, a collective dream that many of us around the world are walking into a reality – that’s Desteni and I’ve never been that grateful in my existence for having this opportunity to finally GET REAL and step down from my smoky clouds of house of cards that I’d built for personal entertainment.

What’s best for all is best for you is best for me – that’s the ultimate dream to realize through practical application of us giving to another what we want for ourselves, of us actually standing as a new human being that doesn’t require to fulfill fallacious dreams, but is willing to stand as a pillar for Life in Equality, ‘giving up’ the illusion that we were anyways and birthing ourselves into actual physical beings that can create a system that’s actually beneficial for all living beings on Earth.

Now our reality is here, no we walk as equals and make sure we get to create our dream to come true: Equal Money System that will enable all other dreams to come true once we’re no longer fighting for survival, fighting for each other and fighting over our own self-accepted limitations.

I don’t have or require any other dream in life but creating a world that’s best for all because within that all the other dreams would simply become an actual choice of experience instead of something that I wanted to to do ‘escape the system’ – no way, we’re here to change the system works and within that, liberating all life forms in this world from the enslavement of ourselves as our minds projected into a reality that believed in a heaven and salvation – that’s no more.

We’re here and walking our dreams into reality, a single dream that no longer stands for that ever elusive chain of desires and wishes based on money and fortune– all I want in life is for ALL to have a dignified Life as Equals–from there, I can see myself being fulfilled as an actual living being and thus having the actual time and disposition to explore life for real.

This is Not over yet, it only just begun.


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