Tag Archives: rejection

280. Austerity is Self Abuse

 

Negative  Charge Self Forgiveness on the Word Reward based on the memory explained in the previous blog

Continuing from:

reward
n    noun a thing given in recognition of service, effort, or achievement. a fair return for good or bad behaviour. a sum offered for the detection of a criminal, the restoration of lost property, etc.
n    verb give a reward to. show one’s appreciation of (an action or quality) by making a gift. Ø(be rewarded) receive what one deserves.

Related Words bonus, lagniappe, premium; bonanza,jackpot, treasure trove; award, decoration, distinction,honor, plume, prize, trophy; gratuity, tip; desert(s), wages

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify the word ‘reward’ with a negative charge due to how I would get rewards from doing good in school and me believing that this was not honest from myself to accept such reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that I could only stand as an honest person if I didn’t accept money as a reward for doing my responsibility, which was being a student at school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge as dishonest to anyone else that I would witness would want to ‘win’ as in having good grades in school in order to ask their parents for all types of rewards, wherein I would place myself as superior and ‘beyond’ their desires of using their grades as a way to manipulate their parents to get stuff from doing good in school, which I judged as a conditional aspect that would make the person ‘less valuable’ in my mind, and less trust worthy and as such, attaching this values to myself wherein I would not want to be seen as greedy/ self-interested/ money driven for doing good in school, because that would make myself be ‘less than’ and equal to the people I would judge as self interested/ greedy, without realizing that regardless of me accepting or rejecting money, my existence and sustenance and stability was already fully dependent on Money.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reject my father’s money as a reward because of equating his ‘care’ and ‘demonstration of support’ with money as a reward, wherein according to me all that I wanted was simply be recognized for my effort and that’s it, which is how I took pride on ‘not wanting money’ because I knew that it was for myself – however this was also only partially true as I realize that I would definitely care about what everyone else had to say about myself, my grades and maintaining a certain place in my class throughout my school years.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the construct of ‘good and bad’ in terms of reward wherein I accepted the fact that one would only obtain money if you were ‘good in school’ and how one would be punished if you were ‘bad in school,’ and as such, create an actual fear to not doing good in school and as such being scolded for it, which really only existed as an inherent fear within my mind because I was certainly not pushed to excel in school, but I became my own worst nightmare when it came to pushing myself to excel and ‘be the best’ and as such even be able to reject any form of reward from doing this effort as and for myself, which I see is only partially so.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how even though I would want to reject the rewards and believing and saying ‘I don’t require it,’ I would in fact obviously have a cool time with the money obtained with buying things –within this, believing that with me rejecting rewards I was committing a ‘greater sacrifice’ according to myself, and my beliefs of ‘what is more worthy’ and ‘what is more honorable’ wherein in my mind I believed that: the more I reject reward, the more I earn props for my persona due to being seen as Not greedy and Not doing it for the rewards/ money and was such, not realizing that I was in fact creating a positive self-experience of superiority in comparison to others that I would just as money-interested, greedy and convenience-driven in order to move, which I judged as less than and with a sense of dishonor.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of sacrifice as a positive experience when rejecting reward, which would be similar to overcoming a form of ‘evil’ that I had considered money to be and as such, be considered as this ‘special person’ at the eyes of others for being ‘uninterested in money,’ which only now can I begin to see and realize what type of limitation this in fact means, because I didn’t develop a proper equal and one relationship and understanding toward money, but instead I created a relationship of rejection and through rejecting creating a positive experience, wherein as long as I was supported to live, the ‘extra rewards’ would be always accepted through the same experience of rejection and desire for the money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a rejection toward the word ‘rewards’ seeing it as manipulative and a point of convenience that I could only get If I had certain positive outcome in school, which then made it fairly obvious how it was a process of giving a ‘prize’ for doing what I realized was my responsibility and in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain reacting toward the word reward from the memory of me having obtained rewards from doing good in school and as such, I realize that I am not unconditionally looking at the word reward, but instead imposing my experience of rejection toward rewards based on the memory with my father giving me money for doing good in school

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘Reward’ with money as a form of convenience, extra-support, preferential treatment, specialness, luxury that I have separated myself from based on the values that I accepted and allowed myself to define my reality through, wherein I see that we have all participated in the configuration and perpetuation of our current money system based on the beliefs of values in separation of ourselves as life, as physical equal beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a Negative Charge upon my father’s action and moment of him giving me money/ giving away his money wherein I created a relationship of rejection and desire for the money in the following way

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a negative charge toward receiving money from my father because of thinking that it is his hard earned money and I do not deserve to take it, because what I’ve done is only my responsibility – and within this, reject the money that he is giving me as a reward/gift/prize for the recognition of my school performance and in this, creating a negative experience in the moment of receiving money as if I simply was not worth it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate a self-belief of myself being special and unique because I could turn money down, and define myself as ‘better than’ because of doing that, and specifically defining myself as a  ‘good humble person’ in contrast to others that would be ‘glad’ to accept the money/ reward and enjoy it. 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a compassionate experience when getting money because of realizing that not everyone was going to be able to obtain these rewards and how some others would get punished instead, wherein I became aware of how while I would get all the rewards and glory, others would have a really tough time and as such

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the experience of getting money/ rewards with an emotional experience of shame and guilt because of knowing that no one else would be as ‘rewarded’ as myself and as such ‘feel bad’ for others in the moment of receiving this reward wherein I began to ‘care more for others’ and their experience than myself, which became a pattern to justify not looking at myself first and actually accepting a reward as a single recognition that my parents wanted to give to me as an incentive to keep going, within this believing that ‘I don’t require an incentive,’ however, deep inside I would definitely care to be recognized and praised by my efforts in one way or another, which means that I was only wanting to present a self-belief experience of myself as ‘better than’ and ‘more than’ others based on being uninterested in money and paradoxically, valuing myself as superior by rejecting such value as money.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link money to a negative charge because of realizing it is not a readily available item that we can all have, but instead, it is a ‘hardly earned thing’ that enables us to live and as such, learn to fear losing money, to fear earning money, to be lured into wanting more money and as such generate a fear of having ‘power’ as money in my hands.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an emotional experience of rejection when receiving money due to believing that the other person is seriously sacrificing themselves to give me that money and as such, belittle myself in terms of being ‘worthy’ of such money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse getting rewards within a point of morality based on the linkage of rewards with money, and money linked with power that I was taking from someone realize and as such, I realize that I became evasive toward money because of ‘not earning it myself’ and as such feeling bad because I was ‘sucking  someone else dry’  in favor of my own benefit, without realizing how the entire money system in fact works wherein all our money is currently the symbol of having the ability to abuse and exploit for our own lives to be ‘sustainable,’ not really looking at the actual cost of such ‘sustainability’ that is mostly defined through relationships of inequality where some are deliberately left behind so that they can become the work force that sustains a world-system that works only for those that have enough money to live.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my happiness point of being regarded as a non-superficial person by not being interested in money and as such, be regarded by others as a ‘genuinely responsible person’ because of not wanting to accept any form of reward from what I deemed was my responsibility – however

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play an ambivalence within this point because I realize that this was the personality/ character that I wanted to be perceived as, as a genuine ‘good person’ that is ‘humble’ and is not interested in doing well in school just to get the money – however, once the money was there, I would play ‘humble’ for a moment and then accept the money while creating an experience of ‘I don’t deserve it’ so as to create this experience of belittlement and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of ‘I don’t deserve this’ and belittlement when receiving money in order for people to insist on give it to me and insist on me deserving it and as such, create a life-long pattern of expecting people to tell me what to do/ what is ‘ok’ to take and what is not instead of me just accepting something unconditionally when it is given to me unconditionally without fearing the ‘what will they think of me if I just take it’ –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject rewards from the starting point of wanting to be seen as not vain and money-interested within the backchat of ‘I don’t require money to move myself’  wherein I wanted to be looked at as a genuinely humble and grounded person that isn’t responsible for the money/ rewards, without realizing how everything that I would do was possible because of money and as such only existing in this relationship of conflict toward ‘extra money’ without considering how the very fact that I was able to have an education, house, family, food, etc. was possible only because of money.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maintain a self-belief of me not being interested in money and as such linking this idea to me being ‘more pure’ and ‘more genuine’ than the rest of people and as such, generating a self-belief of being more ‘honest’ and ‘trust worthy’ because I would not do something just because of the reward, however, once that I was aware of what the reward would enable me to buy/ consume, I would want to keep my façade in place of ‘not wanting the reward,’ while at the same time decide to take the money and enjoy what I would buy with it.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint an experience of shame and embarrassment when receiving extra money or payment money wherein I believe that I should stick to getting no money at all for what I do, as I do it as an extension of my self-expression. However I realize that in this world, we have not yet equalized our expression as mutual and equal support – thus, money is necessary and me creating an experience toward money as something that I reject receiving, is rejecting my ability to instead equalize myself to money and use it to continue supporting myself to obviously establish a world system wherein no one will ever again have to go through this polarity experiences toward money as a point of desire and rejection based on looking at the values that we’ve given to money, and how hard it is to currently make ‘extra’ money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity conflict of want and rejection toward money based on me wanting to preserve a positive self-experience of ‘not being interested in money’ while at the same time, desiring the money because of what I could buy with it and enjoy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘better than/ superior’ than anyone else that would only do their job/ responsibilities because of the reward, and within this creating a superiority point of me ‘not requiring rewards to move’ and as such, value myself as ‘more than others’ while at the same time creating a relationship of rejection toward money as something that ‘I did not want to corrupt myself with.’ —- oh!

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word reward to corruption because of believing that one should not be ‘lured’/corrupted in order to do one’s responsibilities, but instead, should be self-motivated, without realizing that even the responsibilities that I would carry out ‘without interest,’ were in fact stemming from the desire to create a positive/ superiority idea of myself  and as such, I see and realize that I haven’t been genuine in my self-proclaimed austerity/detachment/ indifference toward money, as I also participated in the superiority construct of self-value in my mind as ‘better than everyone else’ because of not being moved to ‘win’ but simply do what I had to do.

 

When and as I see myself creating a negative experience of rejection/ shame/ embarrassment as self judgment when receiving money/ rewards as an outcome of my own work, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to realize it is just money that I require currently to be able to live and keep moving myself and such, I stabilize my relationship with money, to no longer belittle myself to it or make myself ‘superior’ for rejecting money within a positivity construct.

 

I realize that inequality exists as the set of values and concepts in our mind as words that we haven’t lived physically yet, because if that was the case, we would not be dwelling with poverty, scarcity, hunger and a general lack and disparity, because we would all be recognizing each other as an equal part of ourselves, in equality, extending the ‘me’ to an us and as such realize that we cannot allow one more part of such me starve to death due to us continuing this game of money/reward and lack/austerity. Thus, this is a process to establish self awareness in all aspects till we all can equally agree that the current way of how this world system is being directed/ misdirected is not sustainable, and how we have to step out of our characters in order to establish common sense which is money equally supporting all living beings

I realize that we have only made of rewards a point of conflict within ourselves based on how our current economic system works, which can be redefined in order to support everyone equally and as such, no more differentiation and separation as a guilt/ remorse experience for having money when others don’t have any/ when others are not equally able to be rewarded because of not having the skills/ opportunities to even be in such a position of ‘competing’ in the world to get rewards.

 

I realize that I created a polarity relationship toward rewards based on the morality construct of me wanting to be seen/ regarded as someone that is not self interested and as such, earn ‘props for my ego’ which is also part of the idea-belief of myself as ‘more’ than others that I would judge as dishonest and greedy, within this not realizing how within me wanting to be ‘more’ than others through being ‘more honest,’ I was already participating in the separation of myself through valuing myself according to others in constructs created and shaped by the existence of money as a value over life.

 

Thus, I see, realize and understand that my inner conflict with rewards only exists because I have allowed myself to believe that someone that refuses rewards is ‘more’ than those that only work for the rewards, without realizing that we can redefine rewards as a single outcome of our equal and one participation in a system wherein there are no ‘extra’ points other than the direct outcome of our mutual support wherein equal profit obtained through our labor is what signifies a physical giving and receiving in Equality, available for all that understand how a reward is no longer an extra value/ extra giving as a form of specialness, but it is a recognition of each other as equals.

 

I realize that such statement of ‘I don’t require money/ rewards to move myself’ is in fact an ego-driven statement, because I definitely realize how everything that we are is currently moved and possible because of money and how money words within our  current system – hence I realize that this relationship of rejection to money existed because of learning how money was not something that ‘grew out of trees’ even if the pater is from tress, but it had to be ‘earned through hard work’ and such linking money to being someone’s suffering that I could not accept as a reward, because of wanting to be seen as a ‘good person’ that does not require such earned-through-‘’hard work money because it would make me subject to the giver of such money in a relationship of self-interest instead of genuine appreciation for our efforts.

 

I realize that I refused money in self interest to keep a certain idea/ belief of myself as being ‘right’ and ‘better than’ everyone else that would immediately be moved by money, do everything for money which I judged as sleazy and degenerative. In this, only really caring about the ‘who I am’ toward money, creating a polarity relationship toward money as refusing and desiring at the same time, wherein I learned how to view money as this valuable object that I should not ‘sell myself’ for, not understanding that I was already only alive due to my parents having enough money to support me to live, because that’s the current condition we’ve placed in this world wherein I depend on others to live, because they are the only ones able to make money and as such, take for granted our lives and created a limiting system wherein we can only value what has a number/price on it, forgetting everything about ourselves as human beings that are able to live in self-honesty without requiring to be moved by some form of ‘reward’ to do the best of ourselves in all our activities and areas of expression in our day to day living.

 

I realize that we have become too used to this reward system that, the same as with money, we have to instead redefine money in its core functioning and as such, rewards will also not be incentives to move promoting a winning-losing situation in schools, but instead understand the basic law of giving and receiving: when we give, we allow ourselves to receive equally as a physical in-breath and out-breath to ensure that all parts are equally supported, which is physical common sense.

 

I realize that I require to equalize myself to money and the word reward as an equal and one giving and receiving aspect that is not signifying a ‘moreness’ but rather a receiving that is an automatic outflow when setting up ourselves within a system where everyone can be benefitted with having access to all the resources and services that make our lives be comfortable and dignified, wherein no one else would have to ‘compete’ in school for the sake of getting the best job/ earning the most money in one’s adulthood, but instead focus on actually developing skills not based on survival but true self-expression and exploration of our abilities once that money is not used as a motivator to excel, but simply as a given right to regulate our equal and living system which is what Equal Money Capitalism presents.

 

I realize that seeking austerity has become a consequence of me having created this relationship toward money wherein it has not been a self directive decision but instead to keep this personality of ‘good/ benevolent uninterested in money person’ that lives in an austere manner as proof of ‘me not caring much about money,’ which in fact means that I am not really giving what’s best for myself due to this conditioning and pattern – which is not acceptable because If I am standing for and As what’s best for all, I have to live it as myself in order to stand as the example of how we can practically move ourselves to make of money a Tool that enables a dignified living for all, instead of just focusing on maintaining my rejection/ desire self-interest relationship toward money.

 

I realize that this belief of austerity being benevolent is in fact self abuse and as such, I realize that it is only my own brainwashing that has accepted limitation as a ‘dignified living’ which it is certainly not, as I see and realize that I would not want to remain living the way that I’ve ‘chosen’ to live just to prove that I am not ‘interested in money, ‘and instead

 

I commit myself to equalize my relationship to money, to ensure that I in fact first live ‘what’s best for myself as what’s best for all’ within the understanding that accepting anything less than what I realize we are capable and able to give ourselves is self-abuse and self-diminishing. Instead, we have to redefine what dignified living is wherein it does not mean ‘having more than others’ but having the necessary to live well, with comfort, general services, food, water, quality products that enables us to enjoy life without harming and annihilating the environment.

 

I commit myself to continue redefining my relationship to rewards and money as I see and realize that the way I have been living up to now has been a process of self manipulation as an ego that ‘rejects money’ to praise myself as superior than others, not realizing that in this belief of self-sacrifice I am in fact not honoring myself and not living to my fullest potential in all areas of my life, and I realize that self-value as Equality must be absolute, no hidden specialness with regards to money and within this

 

I commit myself to realize and live the understanding that it is only through equalizing myself to money that I can in fact be self directive with it, because within rejection and desire we are still moved by our mind – instead we look at money as possibilities for expansion, to continue supporting ourselves to demonstrate what is possible when we work together to establish a fair equality system, where actual enjoyment of life and responsibilities won’t be opposed or be against one another, but instead stand as a giving and receiving in Equality.

 

I commit myself to live the realization that austerity measures in this world system are a justification to abuse and neglect life to be equally supported, which is unacceptable. Thus I stop living this ‘austerity measure’ as a deliberate self-diminishing and rejection toward money which his only a character that is not self supportive and that is in fact just another side of elitism, since I have the ability to ‘reject’ money that is ‘extra’ because I  have enough to live – but I see and realize that this is not an option for many and that the majority is certainly screaming for us to stop looking at things as ‘power’ and ‘control’ but instead regard the actual lives that we are abusing just to keep our ‘deficits’ in place, which is unacceptable.

 

We are absolutely capable of living in a system wherein we can support each other as equals – austerity measures can only be an outflow of a deliberate unbalance upon which our current system is functioning. Therefore, we require to first equalize ourselves and our relationship to money and as such, understand what type of beliefs/ constructs we’ve accepted to limit ourselves and our capacity/ ability to live in dignity.

 

“Your physical labour life force – is for most part, Not Valued AT ALL; humans actually doing physical labour are valued Next-to-Nothing, while human beings doing Mental Labour – are Valued More: here, the REALITY, physicality is valued not at all, while the Mental/Illusion is valued most. So, Physical Force is denied, while Mental Force is Exalted. Which is Exactly what we do in/as our own Minds: Our Imagination/Illusion is Valued Most and so we give/pay MORE of our beingness/physicality to/as it, or shall we say Sacrifice More of our beingness/physicality to/as it. Instead of Investing our Beingness/Awareness into and as Physical Equal and One LIVING – which is not a process of a Payment, it’s a Stand of Realisation and of LIVING. This is Why we don’t LIVE in this physical existence, everything had been Valued according to more/less Reward for which you must PAY with PAY in fact being a SACRIFICE.” – Sunette Spies*

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176.Imagining the worst case scenario: Obstacles to Protect Self Interest

Continuing with Procrastination CharacterImagination and the reactions to it

You can read more about the exploration within the Imagination dimension in the following blog: 169. Imagination as a Distraction to Not Do things

 

Now, I have walked the thought-dimension of the image of the office and me creating an experience of dread and further anxiety due to the ‘impending doom’ of actually having to confront the professor with my writing itself.

Then there is the other imagination point which is a future projection moment wherein I am facing all the ‘jury’ and presenting my work and expecting the worst which in this case would be them pointing out that my work has nothing to do with my career.

The third point of imagination is having to go through all the ‘paper work’ go get this done, from printing the document to all the necessary permits and letters and all of that scholar bureaucracy that I have also resisted to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within giving energy to the thought of me being at the office, start ‘rolling the imagination’ and playing out a future possibility of my professor simply pointing out that such writing is not acceptable/ is nowhere near finished, and that I have to re-do it all over again wherein I create an experience within my mind within this imagination moment of anxiety and absolute petrification because this means that I have to actually re-do the whole thing again, without realizing that this worst case scenario is only revealing to me how I am entertaining my mind and how I am allowing one single point of imagination to prevent me from actually simply physically doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as incompetent and not good enough when confronting my work with my professor, partly because of fearing that I won’t satisfy the praising of art based on the belief that I have with regards to me having to ‘praise my career’ in such paper, instead of actually realizing that this is my opportunity to be self honest and that as such, this self-investigation does not have to be compromised in any way – I also realize that I am within this participation in imagination, making everything a lot more than what it actually is which is just a protocol aspect of finishing a career, wherein instead, I have allowed myself to go into/ sink into anxiety and fear and what if’s, entertaining me in my mind with all these negative future possible outcomes as imagination, which I have used as an excuse to simply not do anything at all about it.

I realize that within this fear I also immediately realize it for ‘what it is’ and then, a laxity comes after this whole play out wherein it is as if I’ve become ‘comfortably numb’ so to speak with regards to this situation, which actually not acceptable as it is once again, just another way of me giving into energy that seems ‘harmless’ because I am not actively participating in fear, but within that seemingly ‘stable’ calmness I have created my own ‘sedative’/ chill pill within my mind wherein I simply stop looking at those thoughts BUT, instead of moving and taking the opportunity and moment to actually MOVE, I instead leave it for later which is then a point that is revealing to what extent I have made ‘okay’ within my mind to simply not work on this, which is actually based on actual fears emerging within  the imagination and an actual anxiety experienced that I have managed to ‘stop’ in a moment, however it obviously returns because the physical correction is not being done, which means: I can stop fear in the moment as an experience within the entire imagination, and I can stop participating in imagination – however, the point returns and will return as long as I don’t simply do it.

 

When and as I see myself going into imagination point of talking within my professor’s office and hearing the words that indicate that I have to do it all over again, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this imagination is only an excuse for me to actually not do it based on fears and future projections and whatnot which is simply a point of distraction instead of actually DOING IT. I also realize that I can stop the imagination and I can stop the reaction in one breath, however, this same image will continue haunting me as long as I don’t actually DO IT and give it physical direction – this is how I see and realize that no matter if we stop all our participation in thoughts, backchat and imagination and reactions, if we don’t do it, such stopping will simply be another chill pill/ instant placebo remedy wherein we actually then participate in the ‘positive imagination’ in order to make it alright and get back to the ‘feeling good/ better about myself’ in my reality through talking to myself about things that I am doing/ that I can do instead/ that I would ‘rather do’ instead of committing myself to this task.

I commit myself to stop the laxity that comes after relieving myself from these reactions and future play outs within the realization that yes, I am participating in my mind and that is not required in order to do things –however it takes an actual physical movement to ensure that I do not remain the laxity toward my compromise to get this done and believe that ‘fear is just for further self-control’ wherein I talk myself into reasoning why creating fears is simply not necessary to do things, however remain without doing them – thus I commit myself to stop fooling myself when it comes to this ‘stability’ that I know and realize is also a cover up to the actual anxiety that has been suppressed about this point by my own procrastination toward it based on ‘reasoning’ the doing instead of physically doing it.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the future projection/ imagination point of being in that room where examinations take place and being facing a series of people looking at me with a ‘what the fuck’ face, and going into fear because of realizing that my work is not directly linked to ‘art creation’ itself but more of a self-creative process wherein I am my own prime matter – within this creating a reaction of absolute fear and anxiety when projecting myself within this imagination and going into further backchat – which I will explore later –wherein I while being here and imagining all these aspects, go into fear, shut down everything related to ‘doing that work’ and instead focus in ‘something else’ that must be done, which is me then using other responsibilities as an excuse to not do this, while fully seeing how it is linked to this mind-creation of rejection by the academy toward my work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pessimistic about my work, myself and my presentation toward others, wherein while imagining myself presenting my work with others, I see myself trying to sound ‘convincing’ to others and fearing them just not ‘buying it’ without realizing that I don’t have to be convincing others in order to present myself, my writing, talking about it and replicating with common sense at all times

When and as I see myself using the future projection of being in the examination room with people and believing that they are rejecting/ not buying my explanation and me going into absolute nervousness and stumbling upon my own words – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only creating this worst case scenario in my mind as an excuse to actually not Do things  – thus

I commit myself to stop pondering about the ‘what ifs’ and instead commit myself to do it, as I see and realize that it must be done no matter how long it takes – I have to get it done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of disgust and even tiredness whenever I imagine having to go here and there and print and move with lots of permits and paperwork to get this done, wasting money/ time which I have considered as being very ‘valuable’ within me –without realizing that this is one of the aspects of walking the system, or realizing how things work and function whenever one decides to get a proper title and also realizing that I am making it a lot more in my head based on what other people would tell me with regards to ‘all the time it takes’ and ‘all the paperwork’ which I have created as this foggy load in the back of my head when imagining myself having to go through the same process due to me believing that it will just be ‘too much,’ which is how I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself based on the Idea that I create of something/ a particular task, instead of simply focusing on Doing it physically and walking through the necessary points breath by breath, as this is how I have also walked an entire career already  – breath by breath, walking Through it and not wasting my breaths hooking onto the ‘experience’ of going through it.

When and as I see myself imagining the entire process of going to all these offices with bright white light and waiting, and sitting and moving around from campus to campus in order to get the papers done and making it an absolute ‘brick’ on the top of my head wherein I go into this heaviness and dread and apathy to do it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is part of the points that I must walk through in order to get things done – thus I stop judging, I stop listening to the voices of the memories that indicated/ told me about how ‘dreadful’ and ‘tiresome’ and ‘annoying’ this whole process was which I have used as an excuse to simply not do it at all, which is unacceptable since I am simply at the very last stage of getting this done and as such, I cannot ruin it all just by one single imagination aspect of me having to go through all of these things and making it a lot more than what it in fact is in my mind.

I commit myself to stop participating in the imagination play out of me going to all of these offices and institutional dependencies from the university in order to get the necessary paperwork and instead focus on me walking every step breath by breath and realizing that there are No Shortcuts to this, it must be done, it can be done and it is simply one aspect of the entire process of me walking through this entire phase of my career, unconditionally.

 

I see and realize that this means that I don’t have to create a future projection of getting something done the way that ‘I want to get it done’ which is base on my exigencies of wanting everything to be done perfectly, without any ‘obstacles’ and without any ‘objections’ from others which is then part of the ‘controller’ personality that I see and realize will be part of debunking this entire process which is in essence wanting everything to be done ‘perfectly’ and ‘fine’ with no problems/ no flaws without realizing that this is all existent as this ‘immaculate process’ within my mind instead of actually physically dedicating myself to do it.

 

So how can I be holding on to this imagination and thinking about this point being done ‘perfectly’ and ‘without any objections’ if I am not practically and physically simply doing it?

 

I see and realize how much we can fool ourselves in fears and imaginations and future projections as a justification to not do things, whereas if we had our physical body deciding to imagine how ‘awful’ it would be to digest our food the following day, or having to process a physical activity and becoming fearful of having to ooze the toxins while working out or having to digest and poop out our food, we would be dead as nothing in our physical organism would be / get done – thus if I am standing up for Life in Equality – I equalize myself as my physical body that is unconditional to move and physically function 24/7 every single day as long as I am breathing here – and that’s the reality of physicality – I stop participating in bullshit alternate realities of the mind as ‘obstacles’ of self interest

Ludicrous and must stop here – but this will continue lol

 

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Blogs:

Character Dimensions – PHYSICAL/BEHAVIOUR Dimension (Part 3): DAY 176

Day 176: After Death Communication – Part 25 A History with Life After Death – Part 10

 

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The Soul of Money – Part 37

The Soul of Money – Part 36


167. Fearing is Not wanting to Change

Postponement Character 

 

Fear Dimension :

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my writing being rejected by the academy for lacking art references and within this, sabotaging my own completion of the document based on a future projection and expectation based on a prejudice that I have formed toward ‘Academy’ as a restrictive institution, instead of realizing that I am the one that has the ability to create a writing that is both fulfilling toward academic standards and also at a personal level within the context of the content matching my actual and initial intention of doing this work in the first place, which is getting a degree and sharing a perspective of self-creation within the art world as my own contribution and career-experience that I have decided to share.

 

I realize that the work that I am doing does not have to be separated from any of my other writings and any other responsibility that I do follow through with – and in this realizing that any resistance that I have created toward the point is based on prejudices that I have formed toward school/ academy as instances wherein

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by the academy/ professors for lacking commitment to ‘the art world’ with presenting my writing, due to it not being precisely linked to a plastic or visual art but instead, a self-creation process that is our ability to exist as human beings that have the power and ability to create themselves and a society/ world system that is supportive of life itself and not mind-system creation modes that only support separation and abuse of life.

 

I realize that I am actually postponing creating a final ‘note’ to this entire career that I see can be veered toward a self-creation process wherein the concept of art is expanded to a self-creative ability that is actually quite acceptable within the realm of the art world and also reminding myself here that I had already had a ‘good to go’ approval from my professor  – thus

 

When and as I see myself fearing getting my written document done based on fear of it not being ‘good enough’ for the standards that the academic world require, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am actually fully capable of taking on this task and project with all its requirements wherein I simply have to write and fulfill the task at hand that is a requisite for me to actually finish what I began as professional career – and I remind myself that I chose to walk this process and walk this career and get it done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my writing is judged as ‘too spiritual’ or any other pejorative term that I have feared my professors creating upon my work due to them having no reference to what Desteni is – though I realize that I do not have to fear this type of bs things when I am perfectly capable of writing out and convey a message that is common sensically based and doesn’t require any ‘gap-concepts’ that cannot be understood by academics.

When and as I see myself fearing professors judging my writing based on it being too ‘humanitarian’ instead of ‘artistic,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the same way the concept of art has been expanded throughout the years, one can implement a new dimension to it which is actually a primary one based on the concept of art as a self-creative process wherein the being standing in and as a self-honest being, his/ her expressions will be an immediate expression/ expansion of him/herself as part of one’s own expression within the principle of what is best for all and within this, turning art into a more practical living statement other than a mind-regurgitation activity that has served little to no purpose for humanity, just as anything else in this world that requires its fine-tuning to be supportive for all beings equally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confronting my writing with my professor because of not wanting to be rejected/ have my stuff done more than once, which I see stems from a previous memory of having had a ‘difficult time’ with a photography professor with me wanting to impose my ways and being intransigent toward his observations, which is how I went into defense mode before even listening to the suggestions and actually seeing how it could benefit the work – thus,

I realize that the fear toward criticism stemming from academics is that fear of not being ‘good enough’ to their standards, without realizing that I am only creating this ‘fear’ due to actually not wanting to go through all the stages of having my written work revised and within that, accepting observations and ‘criticism’ that I tend to take personally, leading myself to abruptly ‘opt myself out’ of it/ giving up because of having wanted my writing to be ‘immediately accepted/ unquestioned’ which is actually an ego point wherein I want and desire to have things working ‘my way’ at all times.

 

When and as I see myself fearing criticism toward my writing I stop and I breathe – I realize that all comments are able to be taken within common sense and in absolute humbleness as the acceptance of one’s mistakes, wherein I commit myself to take into consideration other people’s words on ‘my work’ and within this allow myself to be supple and flexible toward comments that can actually enrich the document beyond my ‘own view/ perspective’ and assist myself within that go break my own boundaries of wanting to always only do things ‘my way.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this process will be longer than expected and within this, foolishly enough, postponing it further, pushing it toward ‘more time’ which is absolutely absurd and I see how it is only when thinking about doing it and going into this fear that I somehow simply wished that I could ‘get away from doing this’ at some point, which is actually not acceptable since I have been aware I must do this no matter what.

 

When and as I see myself pushing the point for ‘some other time’ and postponing it is in fact me creating further consequence in full awareness, which is a deliberate and unacceptable action within the consideration of realizing that this is also my responsibility and priority in my world/ reality at the moment – and that I can instead manage my time to dedicate myself to my daily activities and specify a time wherein I ensure I get this done, instead of wanting to just ‘take one whole day off’ to write it out – which is one option, however not the best one as it is done under the pressure of wanting to get it all done at once, which usually leads to a point of rush that is not necessary within this –

 

I commit myself to walk this written process point by point, day by day as that is a reasonable point to do instead of ‘waiting’ for one miraculous moment when I ‘feel like doing it,’ which won’t happen as this is a point that I have to actually self-direct in all ways.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very ‘lax’ about this point of responsibility in my world due to seeing it as worthless yet at the same time, not wanting to admit that there’s an actual fear of me not getting this paper and then having an entire career being absolutely useless and as if it had never happened, which is something that I realize within the context of being in and of this world system wherein we still value each other’s abilities according to institutional paper work and titles that prove one’s credentials in certain professional fields.

 

When and as I see myself believing that it is worthless to get this piece of paper, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is a key point that I actually have placed aside due to the actual physical resistance to get things done within bureaucratic terms that I have create a resistance to – thus it is to realize that no matter what, I am the one that decides how I walk this process and that I have to get it done and postponing it is only making it ‘worse’ as a thought in my head instead of an actual doing that is physically tangibly ‘done’ – to round things up – and not thought or feared about.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to repeat the whole thing more than once and within this,  realizing that this is the main obstacle I have created within me as a fear/ thoughts in my head and it appears  in the immediate moment when I see myself wanting to ‘write it out,’ as I have allowed myself to just put it off instead of actually using the time to do –maybe – several versions and ways and find one that is the most suitable of all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Fear as an excuse to actually not do it/ not move myself and within this building like a China wall in front of me without realizing that it is not real in the sense that it is an actual impediment for me to do so, and that the wall exists as all the thoughts in my head toward this particular task and responsibility to do, wherein I am the one that can actually decide whether I simply do it and walk through all the necessary stages or not, while realizing that there is no ‘not’ option here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this all a lot worse in my mind as a task to be done than what it actually is, when thinking about it and fearing doing it for all the reasons above, without realizing that all the time spent thinking and fearing it, I could have actually given proper direction to it right away and simply get it done.

 

When and as I see myself making of this point of responsibility a task that is ‘above me’ and that is ‘too much to do’ within this seeing it as a great immovable obstacle in my head, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to decide in one single moment to move myself to open up the document and being writing it out and arranging everything that I have done so far to give it proper coherence, within the realization that I can simplify it instead of wanting to ‘cover all points’ in one go, which is rather extensive to do when it’s not even required at this stage – thus

I realize that I can also support myself to not make of this single task like a ‘will’ that I leave as a final statement that I am surely making a lot more in my mind as if I had to absolutely ‘download’ myself in one document, which I realize it is not a requirement or necessary – thus I stop myself from wanting to make this my ‘master piece of words’ which is rather pretentious and actually becoming another obstacle within me to fulfill my own expectations toward it, which is rather foolish, considering that  I am the one that sets my own value schemes of ‘importance’ within this – thus

I commit myself to equalize myself as my writing in all aspects wherein no matter ‘what’ I’m writing, I focus on the practicality and simplicity that is able to be actually understood and lived by another, instead of making it a lot ‘more’ than what it is as a single academic requirement to keep going in life and actually get to live my words written there.

 

I commit myself to when and as I see the fear of me wanting to postpone and put off the actual moment dedicated to writing the document out, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the only one that is able to push and direct myself to do this not and within this

I realize that putting it off is obviously accumulating consequence and more seemingly unnoticeable ‘stress’ that affects the rest of my activities throughout the day.

I commit myself to be congruent within all dimensions and aspects of my day to day living wherein I do not leave this one aspect/ task as a loop-hole that I am not sorting out, because I realize that If I don’t move in an equal manner within directing and correcting myself within all aspects of my world and reality, that one point that I leave behind is causing stress and worry and fears that keep me bound to a single point of procrastination as a point. Thus I get myself back to one single piece that walks all points day by day and not leaving ‘one piece behind’ any longer.

 

This will continue …

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Desteni I Process

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Estamos atados a nuestra mente 07

 

Blogs:

Character Dimensions – BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 1): DAY 167

Day 167: After Death Communication – Part 16

 

Interviews


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