Tag Archives: relationships

441. Paranoid Assumptions: How to Walk Through Them

 

This is a continuation to an aspect within myself that I had written down, disclosed and seen from many angles a couple of years ago in the entry 396. I Think, therefore I Assume but, certainly as with many other aspects and points we find within our minds, it is just not going to go away by writing it out or self-forgiving the mess made by assuming all at once. This point of ‘assuming’ which is a guessing process wherein, in my particular case, I use that uninformed ‘guess’ to jump into a conclusion about something/someone in such a fast pace that it can determine in one moment who I am going to be or how I am going to react to another person only by misunderstanding, jumping into conclusions, guessing ‘where the person is coming from’ or ‘what they are hiding’ or ‘what they are implying,’ which I must remind myself are all entirely my sole creation.

What do I mean by ‘my creation’? An assumption as I see it, is a series of thoughts that we concoct inside our minds as a reply or reaction based on some input we have, which means information from an external source. Now, upon discussing this point last night with my partner, I realized how I was kind of ‘vilifying’ the word ‘assumption’ in itself, and it is not that it is all ‘bad’ about making a guess about things, that’s Not the problem, but who we are within guessing or assuming and if one is emotionally invested into it.

So, I take his explanation to place it out here because it assisted me to see how there can be plain ‘guessing’ that comes without any personal investment onto it, like say I ‘guess’ or ‘assume’ it’s going to rain today because there’s a ton of those very gray clouds in the sky. That’s about it, a guess, an assumption based on the state of the sky in that moment. There’s an educated guess that comes from say checking out the weather forecast in more than one source – which is still not an absolute point of accuracy – and one can make an educated guess or assumption that ‘yes, it will rain because two or more sources indicate so.’ There can also be a ‘paranoid’ form of guessing where one is emotionally invested onto it, like say if I hated the rain because it ruins my possibility to go for a walk, and so if I look up at the sky and see the wind and the clouds and I immediately get flustered about it because ‘It’s going to rain, yes, and my going out will be ruined, oh god why!’ type of overwhelming reaction – exaggerated here but to get the point – is where one then creates a relationship to ‘raining’ or a particular weather as a source for personal discomfort, anger, frustration and the rest of it within oneself. This ‘paranoid guessing’ that comes from only checking up at the sky and then reacting emotionally to it, is what we usually create patterns of so that whenever I see the same colors in the sky, I don’t even bother to think further other than just jumping into the assumption that ‘my day is ruined because I won’t go for a walk, because it’s going to rain.’

Now this is a ‘light’ example so to speak, but if we transpose it to other more ‘personal’ situations like say assuming that my partner ‘would like to be with another individual he sees on the streets better than me’ based on a paranoid guess, a paranoid assumption and we don’t communicate or investigate further about it in terms of opening up ‘who he is’ within looking at another person in a particular way and so walking through that point together, one can jump into this ‘paranoid assumption mode’ that can spiral out of control into a form of paranoia, a reel of backchats within oneself that come with a tension, a fear, an anxiety of ‘them wanting to be with another instead’ or ‘I am not good enough for him so that’s why he checks others out’ or ‘I bet he’d prefer a less imposing relationship’ etc. etc. Which is something that actually has happened to me and that upon opening up this point with my partner, it was cool to realize how he understands the pattern, how automated it is as a simple ‘checking out’ which has also to do with very ingrained male programming that he simply has to be more diligent to direct if he is up for doing so. He clarified how there is no ‘intent’ in it beyond that momentary experience of ‘checking out’ for example that he had been quite conditioned to, so that will be then his point to work through and my point is to Not jump into these paranoid assumptions from one figment of reality that I take within me to react to.

 The point here is that through rather asking directly, opening up the point, there were no more ‘paranoid assumptions’ about it, but instead we can work with facts, reality checks. I got to see how in fact I was escalating the point waaay too much, which I had done before but that time in the past, I kept it quiet and building it up for some time, until I confronted it and turned out to be true in relation to these distractions, where I also shared my personal experience and process of in this case also directing myself to no longer ‘unconsciously’ seek for ‘other potential partners’ for example, no matter how ‘automated’ this had become in my case as well. So it became a point of understanding as well that it takes time and real diligence to master this point of no longer ‘deviating’ my attention once I am in a committed relationship.

So that was a long explanation, but! It was assisting for me to also see the variations of ‘assumptions’ and so here to redefine the relationship to these ‘paranoid assumptions’ where I have considered I jump into conclusions and ideas and perceptions all based entirely only on what exists within me

Here another point opens up: it means that these ‘paranoid assumptions’ are in fact  my own projection toward others, where I can be the one that hides, implies, beats around the bush or speaks from a state of reaction about things. So, I see that paranoid assuming becomes much more prevalent when – again, assuming – lol – that we all won’t just ‘say things as they are’ but implying there is always something that is kept away/aside/hidden for the sake of benefiting or protecting oneself or any other form of ego-trait that leads us to, for example, not explain ourselves entirely toward another, which can be also a practical reason in many contexts. An example is how one won’t go explaining one’s entire medical condition to someone that asks ‘how are you doing’ and even if one visibly looks not so well, let the whole clinical history out in that moment, we usually say we are ‘doing so so with x situation, but recovering’ and the other person can be ‘ok’ with the response, not lying just not giving the whole explanation, not for the sake of ‘hiding’ or anything, but for practical reasons.

These ‘paranoid assumptions’ imply the moments where I immediately ‘jump’ to ‘fill in the blanks’ coming from the starting point of already assuming that this person exists already in a constant state of seeking benefit or perpetual deception, or usually hiding something, or just blatantly lying for some reason. I can see that this can be defined as ‘lacking trust towards others’ but this is more of my own reflection as well when it comes to being aware how us humans operate in our minds  and so believing that others are lying, hiding all the time. This could be a reality, yes, but it is exactly because of this justification around ‘Everyone lies, everyone deceives, everyone is dishonest’ that I go justifying my ‘assumptions’ and qualify them as ‘real’ in no time, which has led me to jump into unbearable assumptions that mostly lead to conflictive situations, simply because of how fast I ‘made up my mind’ about something or someone without actually taking the steps to apply the ‘antidote’ to assuming: investigating, asking questions, communicating, clarifying, opening up the point with another until clarity is reached.

Why has it taken so much from me to actually ask? Because! There is a righteousness involved in assuming, in believing that ‘I am always right’ about another’s intentions, state of mind or hidden agendas, which is of course not entirely so. Sure, I mean, when we get to know how our minds operate and one becomes like a ‘mind technician’ where one is able to see the equations behind things, it does get a bit tricky to not immediately do so and assume that ‘it’s always going to work that way’ but, in reality there are lots of exceptions and I have been tested quite often based on the assumptions I have created toward my partner for example, and time and time again after jumping into assumptions and responding from my assumptions to something, and when deciding to ‘roll back’ the moment and see what steps did I ‘miss’ or ‘where did I jump into conclusions’ I realize that I in fact ‘filled in the blanks’ in my mind, even though what was said was quite clear in itself. This is the moment where I have to apply humbleness in recognizing that yes, I did assume or made it ‘more’ than what it is in my mind, which in other words is that acceptance of being wrong about my assumption and so propose a solution in that moment to my ‘mistakes’ which in this case are ‘missed-steps’ in communication.

One can also say that assuming comes from a form of control, believing that one ‘knows’ someone or knows how ‘predictable’ we all are that we immediately jump into these ideas or beliefs and believe in them, blindly so. I consider this is part of one of the greatest problems in communication in fact, where we believe we ‘know’ what another person is ‘truly about’ or ‘truly like,’ and how just by observing them, hearing their words, or misinterpreting their interactions toward ourselves or others that we can already assume/predict or magically ‘know’ exactly what they are ‘all about.’ Wrong! And we do this just because of a) not daring to actually get to know a person in reality, which means, actually communicate and truly see who are they in their words, in their life, develop a relationship with them; or b) because we believe we already ‘know the reasons’ behind anyone’s words – which is like this all knowing god-ego that we carry around in our heads – and so we apparently need ‘no more explanations’ from another because we are already in fact projecting our assumptions, our beliefs about others, so ‘why bother, if I already know it?’ type of reaction, which I could label as arrogant, conceited and egotistical of myself, however judging myself for it is of course not the solution here, at all.

I have seen myself create an entire ‘story’ of assumptions as to create a ‘why’ to something in what is called ‘quantum time’ meaning, super- fast and in that moment already reply, after seconds of hearing some version of a story, a set of words wherein I ‘assume’ that I know the real reason behind that, therefore I have the right to, for example, appear as ‘outraged’ about something even if through words I may say a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ but within an entire stance and experience within myself of apparently ‘already knowing the ‘truth’ of the matter’ and so, justifying my immediate reaction to something or someone within a particular experience. All of this is in fact one of those ‘chain reactions’ or massive paranoid assumptions that can unfold to what is most commonly known as arguments or verbal battles between people, just becomes of one or both – or more involved – going into various assumptions of what either one meant to in fact say.

 

So, first of all a point I have to continue working on is on slowing down, just today I had one of those situations where upon asking something to my partner and upon getting a very straightforward answer, I immediately went into assuming the ‘missing link’ I was already going to ‘take on’ as ‘what he implied’ but fortunately he immediately said ‘and by saying that, no, I don’t mean that I would do this/that’ which means, he added more information to prevent me from going into one of those ‘insta-assumptions’, which means that yes he’s already aware of my ‘pattern’ of jumping into these conclusions which actually have contributed to misconstrue the idea I have of him, which if I look back it actually becomes a way to continue imprisoning each other within those same judgments and ways to treat or perceive another, because we believe they ‘haven’t changed’ or ‘have been this/that way in the past’ and so not allowing another to in fact step out of ‘the past’ if I recreate it even within my paranoid assumptions. Lol, it’s been actually quite great because this way it becomes a constant point to test myself and see where I go into ‘reading between the lines’ about a situation, and when I in fact ‘burst the paranoia bubble’ and simply ask directly. So far, asking directly and to the point has dispelled a Lot of misunderstandings or paranoid assumptions on my side, which has in turn become a gift of developing communication, understanding and even trust in the sense that I then get to know where another stands in relation to something/someone and becomes an actual communication, veering towards a self-supportive approach rather than just recriminations, back and forths, quiet paranoid assumptions and the plethora of reactions that may stem from there.

Now, here I’ve used the partnership relationship as an example, but I could go on and on in the ways I assume things about almost everything, and so this is also a point for me to commit to slow down in my mind whenever wanting to ‘jump into paranoid assumptions’ and rather ask more questions, get more information, communicate more, develop a ‘getting to know’ another if I see I have held some judgment about them for some time, get to understand the ‘why’ of something, because this assists us in rather looking at potentials for solutions and change, rather than remaining escalating this paranoia which is of course not a cool way to go living at all.

Points to change or challenge oneself with when stopping paranoid assumptions? Real time application of admitting and changing one’s righteousness, sense of ‘pride’ or know-it-allness, one’s fear to communicate or open up something due to ‘fearing conflict’ for example, or ‘fearing losing’ a relationship of any kind, or just fearing breaking out of one’s bubble to communicate with another, and also very important! Once that one gets the actual facts – whether they are entirely true or not – to not go into paranoia about questioning that further information one may get when stepping out of assuming and communicating or investigating something further, like say me reacting to the realization that yes my partner was checking someone else out, lol, that would only re-wire the paranoia again. It is about in that moment talking through the points to acknowledge self responsibility in both sides – or if the other person is not aware or up for ‘self change’ then simply one’s own responsibility – to not go into further reactions or delusions, but instead then work with one’s own reactions, fears, emotions based on the responses we get, that’s one’s sole responsibility not another’s. The rest, should always be worked out, talked through with the two or more involved in the situation. That is to rectify that in fact, we can only change ourselves, we can only be an example and show to others ‘how it can be sorted out’ but, we can’t ever push another to do the same for themselves, unless they are entirely deciding to do so themselves.

Ok, some more dimensions/aspects might open up in time, but for now this has cleared up for me to see that when going into ‘paranoid assumptions’ I rather immediately communicate, speak up, investigate which means asking, confronting, walking through the fear that this might imply at times and realize that it’s just a limitation to actually see things for what they are so that we can work with ‘how things are’ in fact, and not building ‘possibilities’ or ‘ifs’ based on illusions/delusions or paranoid assumptions as uninformed guessing. This way one can instead build a solid relationship with another by understanding, by looking at solutions together rather than building up and remaining in conflicts and reactions.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Pointing back at me

 

Learn more about this and make it work for yourself!

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


436. Lack of Money in Dream

Last night I had a dream where I would be aware of having only a 200 pesos bill in my pocket, that being the last money left with me at the time. I was with my family in a restaurant and I would still be quite sure about being able to pay for the bill, or at least help with some money. I would notice how I was very aware of what everyone was asking and in one moment I would see my partner taking the offer drinking ‘some’ of my father’s beverage, and all I could consider in that moment is how one drink cost a quarter of the 200 pesos, and because he would drink the whole thing in 3 seconds I would get so angry at him for being inconsiderate, for not realizing that then my father would have to get another drink and then it would take all the money away.

The shocking point however is how I reacted towards my partner in such situation which involved a lot of cursing and flipping fingers and generally wanting him to feel bad or notice that ‘he had done an inconsiderate thing’ by drinking that. Yet, right after I would be in my own possession towards him in that moment I would realize how I had not said or done any of that to him before, and realized that the damage was done: I could not revert back to a moment before all of that where I could have stopped myself from justifying my anger at him and the situation.  In my dream I realized how things could spiral out from there on, on how I had been essentially so disrespectful toward him in that moment, breaking into ‘uncharted territory’ from there on due to allowing myself to express myself to him that way. I felt regretful as well.

I woke up with this experience of ‘being angry at him’ lol, but of course I brought myself back to earth and realized it was MY dream, my creation and so what exists in my mind and what could possibly be a reality if I allowed it to become just that. It frightened me, because I saw how in one moment so many consequences would ensue and even if right after I wished I ‘hadn’t done that/said that’ it was done, truly felt regret yet of course in the dream I didn’t go into analyzing the situation. So here I go.

First of all it seems odd how if I knew I had little money left, still try and go to restaurants or even attempt to invite others and pay the bill for it. This is a point of defined ‘empowerment’ as well where I have enjoyed doing this with my family and having the ability to ‘invite them’ as well, which to me it just makes sense considering the many times they have invited me as well. However obviously, if I was in such precarious situation as in having little to no money left, I would not go out to restaurants, not pretend I can manage. I can see there’s the point of ego as ‘pride’ in maybe wanting to hide the fact that ‘I’m broke’ at their eyes yet be tense throughout the whole situation, because I would not have wanted to be in the position to have to spend more just because of adding one last drink to the bill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define an experience of going out to restaurants and invite others as in paying the bill myself as ‘empowering’ and something I gladly do, wherein I would then prevent myself from being open and clear to others about my financial situation and explain why I cannot attend to a restaurant or pay for the bill due to having little to no money left, which is what I see makes sense to do in such situations and not have the ‘restaurant’ or reunion be centered around ‘going out’ but family reunions and ‘going outs’ don’t always have to relate to eating out/ paying somewhere to eat/drink something while it could be done at home as well, this is in consideration to  be considerate of  money spending when there are no sources of income, and not perceive it as a ‘missing out’ or a ‘lesser’ experience if I cannot afford something any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slightly charge the experience within me of being able to afford paying a meal in a restaurant for others and myself, which is a point of perceived ‘empowerment’ which certainly can be done when there is sufficient money and income, however if one’s situation changes, adjustments have to be made and such kind of unnecessary expenses have to be cut, instead of me trying to ‘keep the show going’ at the eyes of others, while knowing well in the situation in the dream that I was compromising my ‘last moneys’ in order to give a pleasure/moment to others to enjoy, or what I perceive to be ‘enjoyment’ or expressing some kind of ‘gratefulness’, when in fact enjoyment and gratefulness can be expressed in so many other ways that don’t involve having to ‘go out to restaurants’ only as what I’ve lived throughout my life within the family scenario.

In this it is to realize that it is not limiting myself when no longer being able to afford such things if having no income, but rather be considerate about the situation instead of wanting to ‘pull it through’ and compromising my basic livelihood.

Another aspect here is how I allowed myself to get to that point of only having 200 pesos on my pocket. It is interesting because in the morning today I saw this picture on social media about how if you have 10 dollars in your bank account, you have more than the 75% of the world, which is ridiculous that we’ve allowed ourselves to get to this point of most of the world living in poverty while being in a world that sufficiently caters for everyone.  So there are various factors that lead to having no money, but within my personal situation and environment/context, it IS possible to make money therefore here within the dream context and as a possible scenario that exists in all of our lives

10 dollars

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get to a position of poverty, which is a form of disregard, lack of self responsibility, apathy, not putting myself out there in terms of knocking doors and looking at the many possibilities that still exist in this world to make money, having no judgment to particular activities or job situations, but realizing that I cannot allow myself to get to such point of seeing ‘the last drops’ of my money go and do nothing about it, therefore

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect my financial situation of my dream and take that into consideration within my current experience where I am living of savings and definitely require to make sure I don’t spend money unnecessarily or waste it in ‘going outs’ that are not really necessary for me to ‘live.’ In this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slowly but surely allow the ‘fear of ending with no money’ to be in the back of my head and creeping in as a constant ‘variable’ in my day to day situations, wherein I can see that it can affect the way that I live and interact with others, which should NOT be so, because in this it is about me first establishing clear accounting with myself, looking at what is it that is essentially needed, the basic points of livelihood that I require to cover in joint expenses and take responsibility for that part that corresponds to me. In this I realize that I do have to ‘give up’ more unnecessary expenses not because of ‘fearing’ not having money, but simply being realistic about current financial situation and ensuring I am not placing myself in a dire situation just because of ‘squandering’ the current possibilities.

And ultimately in this, what matters is that I would not have to ‘restrain’ myself in all aspects if I start creating other possibilities for income as well, which is where I have to move myself to and start planning where and how I can continue making money to live without worrying about ‘eventually depleting my source of money’ and this is my point of self responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become angry, tense, anxious, absolutely possessed with the miser experience at the same time when judging what my partner did in the dream about the drink and blame him as ‘inconsiderate’ when in fact that was me only venting and exerting my own neglect, lack of consideration and responsibility to my own life, my own financial situation and in this realizing that there are moments where bit by bit I start getting ‘stingy’ about money due to not having a continuous source of income.

In this I see that the financial aspect when sharing expenses with another and at the same time when placing oneself in this ‘comfortable’ position with money and then having that ‘comfort’ point change to a position of precariousness can change the way we behave toward others and essentially ‘the worst of us’ can come out when in that survival mode.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be so ashamed of myself in that moment when realizing what I had done as in doing all the cursing, yelling, flipping fingers and venting out my own anger towards another, because in the ‘shame’ of course we don’t see the actual starting point of it all, which is how in that dream situation I allowed myself to get to that position of ‘having the last drop’ of money and doing nothing at all about it, which is unacceptable and it is unacceptable that I would dare to see another as ‘the problem’ in that moment, which is such a common way to miss out MY responsibility in it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as someone that is ‘unconditional’ when it comes to ‘sharing’ which means sharing of my money when paying something for others and link this to a ‘sign of appreciation’ when it is part of the programming at home where any given money was to be considered a sign of love, appreciation, gratitude, care and even recognition as a ‘prize’ for doing something ‘good’,  when in fact these words mean so much more than just ‘money’ and can be lived in so many more ways than just ‘giving money’ or ‘paying’ things for others.

I realize that if I do enjoy being able to live in a comfortable manner and even at times be able to ‘share it with others’, then there’s two options: either I get a sufficient source of income to continue doing this in a moderate manner, or rather explain my situation, stop compromising myself and rather live these words as care, love, appreciation, gratitude towards others not by ‘paying’ for things or ‘inviting out’ but rather by assisting them in their lives in what I consider I can, such as sharing or providing some personal support, be with them in times when we can chat/ be up to date with each other, do something together that doesn’t require any consumption of sorts or ‘going outs’ as in eating out etc. and so also challenge that programming that has been so ingrained throughout my life in terms of ‘going to restaurants’ and seeing that as a point of luxury, comfort and ways to interact with others better, because in reality, I first have to assess the financial situation in order to fulfill such ‘ideals’ and if it is not possible, then rather redefine the ‘gatherings’ to something else, where I have also come to realize that it is part of those ‘illusions’ I’ve hold on to as if they were part of ‘my lifestyle’ throughout my life, but I do know of people that would rarely ever do this in their lives and could live without it, which enabled me to see how I have conditioned myself to believe this is part of the ‘rites’ of socializing, when it doesn’t have to be the ‘only’ way to go out and socialize in any case.

Last Sunday for example instead of going out to a restaurant, we rather went to eat at my parents’ house and spend much less money by doing so than keeping the ‘outings’ program in place, and it was as enjoyable as well because the interaction and ‘getting together’ shouldn’t be defined by ‘what one eats’ or ‘where’ and ‘how much it costs’ at all, when the same can be done/prepared/cooked with much less money anyways.

In this I recognize that it is not like I will say NO to all outings in restaurants, but certainly be much more moderate about it and be considerate of not squandering money within such habit.  Which leads me to the point of how I was also justifying these expenses in saying that ‘I am in turn also supporting the economy in my locality’ and assisting others to ‘get a better wage’ with going to places and leaving tips and whatnot, however this is ‘ok’ if one has the money to do it, but it is silly to compromise one’s own livelihood just to keep ‘benefiting others’ and be left with nothing oneself.

And then comes the anger point which I mean, I have talked about it many, many times. And it was cool to face this rather uncomfortable and – to say the least – regrettable situation in my dream where my own lack of responsibility to my financial situation led me to essentially ruin or if not create a faux pas with my partner in doing something that I immediately regretted to have been said and done toward him. It really sucked the moment that in the dream I realized: what have you done? You can’t go back and undo that, he will forever remember this that you just did and said to him. And this has to do with previous situations where I also allowed myself to be possessed in certain situations also due to familiar contexts and traditions or ‘politics’ that my partner would not be used to, and that I essentially blew things out of proportion against him at the very beginning of our relationship and only later on did I admit to see that it was My ‘religion’ of how things should be that was the problem, and how I did not communicate about it beforehand and how I made it such a big deal in my mind and exerted that anger toward him as well. That was talked about and it took me to recognize my own ‘religion’ of what I believed he should have done that caused the problem, while him also admitting to aspects of his participation to work with, which has actually worked fine.

However in the dream due to the financial ‘strain’ and situation I was in and not communicating about it with others, but keep it to myself and just ‘venting out’ the consequence of my problem, I would create another rift in my relationship with others because of this precarious situation I created for myself.

When waking up and realizing I was carrying the experience of the dream, I cleared myself up by forgiving myself for having allowed myself to get so angry at my partner in the dream, for judging him for generally ‘drinking things too fast’ because I equate this to ‘money’ only, and in general create this scenario in the dream to test myself ‘who would I be’ in such situation of poverty.

So, what I could see is that surely being in that ultimate state of having almost no money left at all, does make one go into ‘overdrive’ in survival, which can be by all means first of all prevented. However the point of ‘instant possession’ upon living the consequences is also preventable, wherein in the dream I could have taken a moment to stabilize myself, not keep feeding the ‘fears of not having money’ or the judgments on how anything eaten/drank equated to more money on the bill and so becoming angry at consuming in itself, and so preventing me from getting so possessed in this rage, anger about money that one can say or do things that one will regret a moment afterward. I have to remind myself that no matter how ‘difficult’ a situation might be, I cannot blame others for it, I cannot use another as a ‘punching bag’ for it and seeing others as ‘the problem’ when in fact it is all self-created.

In an ultimate situation if I had to walk the ‘aftermath’ of that situation in the dream, I would explain my own anger about my situation, how I didn’t take responsibility for my experience and allowed myself to exert it out and ask for forgiveness to the other person, after having forgiven myself for being so neglectful towards myself and my personal responsibility in relation to money. It is also interesting that even if it was ‘just a dream’ I could not just see it as ‘just that’ because it felt such a real possibility for me in all aspects that I considered the importance of aligning this point so that I can prevent most of the situation by changing definitions of ‘outings’ with others from now on, in relation to family gatherings, going out for the sake of ‘paying for others and supporting them through my consumption’ and rather be realistic about my financial situation.

In this I realize that it is not a ‘missing out’ because one defines what one makes of any situation or experience, so I stop defining ‘comfort’ and ‘pleasure’ and ‘gratitude’ and ‘enjoyment’ and even ‘sharing’ with others just through what money can do. And many times to be honest the process of ‘going out’ becomes more of a ritual than an actual enjoyment, so I can decide to suggest other ways and even ‘change the ways’ that it usually goes wherein we can all save up money and realize that it is not always necessary to spend in order to show care or live enjoyment or any other aspect like that.

So what can I learn from the dream in retrospect is: how to prevent getting to a point of lacking money, how to prevent myself from affecting my relationships with others by remaining in a position of ‘pride’ and not seek out for ways to make money or support from others, how to stop defining experiences of ‘empowerment’ related to money only, how to live appreciation, care, joy, gratefulness and sharing in ways that don’t involve ‘paying’ for something to someone else as an ‘expression of care’ because I can decide to change that, how I can prevent myself from blaming others and getting in an exertion of my own anger towards myself and use others as my ‘valve of escape’ for that emotional experience.

Ultimately of course we should prevent ALL of humanity from ever having to be in a precarious situation, of having no money/no food/ no shelter and having no possible way to get an income and step out of survival mode. We need to guarantee everyone’s wellbeing if we want to prevent people getting possessed in such a dysfunctional mind state of accumulated problems and experiences related to money that lead to the worst of the worst in our society: from mental illness, to domestic violence, addictions, blaming governments and neglecting our personal and collective responsibility in this system.

In relation to the comment, We can make a difference if we all place ourselves in the shoes of situations like the one that ¾ of the population in this world are living in and decide to stop creating obstacles for us to live in a dignified manner, it really starts with us and empowering each other not only with money, but with skills and abilities to be able to contribute back into society and so be genuinely proud of creating a world we can live in without worries of ever going poor again, it’s up to us to remove for every person that possibility of only having 10 dollars in their pockets or even only ‘a bit more’ of that, no one wants to live in such poverty, so why should we allow the majority of this world do go through that?

 

Please check out this great series that supports with this process:

Making Do With Less – The Soul of Money

https://eqafe.com/p/making-do-with-less-the-soul-of-money

 

 

Learn more about this and Join in:

 


434. Hissy-Fit: Trance-Ending it.

 

Yesterday I noticed an interesting pattern that I had probably not seen with as much detail as before, simply because there has been a tendency to allow the kind of ‘short fuse’ situations to become a normalcy, especially when walking in the city.

So the story goes this way: it rained a lot the past days and puddles were around many places. I was walking with my partner in the middle of crossing one big avenue when I saw that the lights were red and so, it was time to cross in a short period of time – this city is not designed for pedestrians to begin with – which prompted me to give a bit of a jump and cross. I did not communicate this to him, which caused him to give a sudden jump into one area where there was a large puddle of watery mud. This simple event led me into an immediate experience of being pissed off or irritated, seeing it as ‘stupid’ that such thing could have happened. I started saying out loud to him ‘Didn’t you see where you were stepping? I’ve told you before to watch your step in these fucked up sidewalks!’ because that’s a reality, there’s no smooth ‘walk’ in the city that you can just go walking looking straight ahead of you, because not many places are even/ properly built and/or with wires sticking out, holes, etc.  Even though we were not in a hurry, I noticed that I got flustered about it. Here it is to see that even before asking if he was alright or if he had twisted his ankle or something, to me it was like immediately pointing out what he should have done or how ‘foolish’ the situation was, in a way implying that ‘this should not be happening to us right now.’

As we kept walking, he would stopped twice to clean the shoes and his sock, so at some point I said to him we should instead just sit in a place so that he can properly, clean the shoe, check his foot etc. But my tonality was of course already coming with this harshness, to which he asked if I was pissed, and laughing a bit out of it. It’s great because he usually just don’t follow with my every now and then bursts of whatever fit I tend to create, he just points it out and that moment I realized what I was doing. I reminded me of what I had written just hours before and applied precisely the point that I had written on not being hard on others, to be considerate, to be humble, to be patient.

So I ‘stepped down of my fit’ and said ‘ geez, yes, I got pissed but there’s no reason for it! Why am I even pissed! I should instead first ask if you are ok, if your foot is ok.’ So, it took a simple moment to question this sudden hissy fit, to then immediately see ‘wait, what am I pissed off about? This doesn’t even make sense!’ So, again, I apologized and then as we kept walking I was able to see the whole point being mostly a pattern I’ve seen or witnessed in my father. Whenever my mother would do something ‘less than perfect’ especially while traveling, moving or being out and about, he would point it out to her with certain anger/annoyance, almost in a way wanting her to know that ‘she’d fucked up,’ in a way it is like scolding. Actually now I remember that my partner pointed out exactly the point that made me see this precise pattern, something around the lines of ‘What is it? You cannot tolerate that which messes up your status-quo, is it unacceptable?’ And so I was able to see that, yes, anything that ruins this ‘perfected idea’ of what our walk in that moment was going to be got ‘screwed up.’

So, I completely stepped down of the experience as I saw how abusive it was. Is this at all something acceptable? Absolutely not, I could even get embarrassed from admitting I can get flustered about things like this; though this emerged, lasted some ten minutes because through communicating and doing my own ‘introspection’ in the moment, I was able to see the reason for it, the ‘learned behavior’ and this ‘perfectionism’ that makes me cringe every time something unexpected happens.

Then after some minutes I explained this point to my partner, how I need to be flexible when things don’t go as expected and how there is no reason to get pissed at it and instead focus on practical matters – like checking he’s physically doing alright. One supportive thing is that he doesn’t hold a grudge for it or changes the way he addresses me for it, we have learned throughout the various months of living together to not hold on to a moment of reactions, but to rather speak through it, get to an understanding, and a future consideration to prevent further moments like this.

From my perspective this kind of behavior is more of a physical and automated response that contains almost no thoughts, just sudden ‘pissed-offness’ that I wasn’t able to pin point at first when only remaining in an experience. It was through communication and then doing some further ‘inner-research’ that I was able to understand it. Yet what is most important is the ability to let go of the experience in the moment, to relax the body, to ensure all is clear in relation to the situation and keep on with the day, not holding onto it at all, but understanding the reaction and ensuring one gets to establish principles, words and corrections for any other ‘occasion’ this or any other similar point could show up.

I also see the benefit of voicing the words, the considerations for any other time or moment where something ‘unexpected’ happens, this means sharing with whomever you are so that we hold ourselves to our word with others that are close to us as well, and create an all-around learning process from it, instead of allowing it to ‘ruin’ a moment for a petty situation.

 

Not breathing

 

Check out:

Life Review – Short Fused Temper Tantrums

 

Learn more about this and Join in:


433. Humbleness and Consideration

 

I want to share about a process of living certain words to correct certain traits like being demanding/exigent, controlling, bossy and authoritarian, imposing my views/my ways onto others in an almost dictatorial way. I had not become aware of this until I started walking a relationship with a person that particularly reacts and/or noticeably dislikes any form of authoritarianism or clear-cut black or white impositions in a way of ‘do-as-I-say-so.’ Therefore of course, upon the clashes in this regard, I was able to see how much I tend to create an expectation of ‘how things should be/ how people should act’ and if this does not ‘match’ my ideal, then I get irritated at it.

Now, the first thing I had to do in order to recognize this is when seeing that I was the only one making a big deal out of a situation – which means reacting in my mind –  and that I had been the only one that assumed/created an ideal expectation of how something would have to be done/acted upon. When talking out this particular clash of me reacting to something being ‘short of my expectation,’ I realized how I had not at all considered the other person, their life, their background, the process they’ve walked in their life and so, in my own head I assumed that he would act/do things in a certain way in a particular environment. So here, upon realizing this as I walked the point with him, I had to ‘eat humble pie’ and walk a moment of stopping ‘making my point’ as in wanting to hold on to righteousness, and instead step down from my ‘horse’ to change my stance toward the situation into one of humbleness and consideration. 

I realized how much I put pressure upon another based on my sudden reaction to an expectation that I had in no way shared or communicated to the other person, nor had I realized it wasn’t a common sensical expectation but it was all built within me according to my mind/my views/ my ways. When listening how the other person lived that same situation in their mind, I realized that my own consideration, my own expectations were nowhere to be seen in that mindset, because they were not  entirely common sensical considerations, but more of an exigency that I’ve learned through ‘familiar tradition’ in this case, which my partner had no idea or reference of.

So, first thing that I suggest to anyone facing a similar situation is to immediately shift from righteousness and believing that ‘my way or the highway’ is the right stance, into practically live humbleness and consideration. This is a directive move to rather hear what the other person has to say, not react in any way to their words but understand where they are coming from, consider their living context, the past experiences that influence them, the lack of awareness or reference of other certain aspects that I did not make a point to share beforehand. I realized how specific I had to be now in order to ensure that I am not the only one having a ‘clear idea’ about something, but that I share about it, cross reference if he is ok with it and if not to work out through the points until we both understand each other and agree to a certain outcome or resolution. In this of course, there is also the process of doing the same on his side too, recognizing what can be improved, considered, practiced, applied in spite of resistances or challenges to do so, considering it is usually something he hasn’t ever lived or applied. So it takes two to tango in this for sure and it’s been rather cool to seeing him do the same as I have described above at times, realizing there’s no need to shout to make a point – this only makes things worse – but speak calmly, as clear as possible and with the firm intent to assist each other to see and understand something.

When deciding to live humbleness in this regard, I realized how many times not only now but in the past I have only considered ‘me’ in my expectations and assuming that everyone else ‘should be on the same level’ as in understanding/seeing the same I do, especially when being in a close relationship. I’ve thus now been continually learning to be more considerate of another’s mind, process, life experiences, patterns when interacting with them, and so realized how much I make a fuss about things in a demanding way, like being very exigent of ‘how this should have been done’ or ‘how you should have acted with x people’ – when in fact, these were all my expectations, my particular ‘quirks’ that I had not even questioned within myself before. So, in a way it was also important to ask forgiveness because I understood how much pressure this also created in the other person upon essentially demanding them to be/do something that they had no idea or reference of.  This also clarified a lot the previous stance where I took a ‘haughty’ position of having been wronged, when it was essentially the other way around in a misunderstanding or lack of communication situation.

I realize how I have this same tendency in many other aspects in my interactions with others, wherein I see something that could be done differently, that I need to ‘let others know’ of in a way to correct them, to show them ‘why they are wrong’ about something. But this is mostly a stance that would come through in an imperative manner, which implies having a starting point and stance of knowing better, being superior or having this idea that others are not capable of doing or handling something. This is all of course only ego and superiority traits that don’t assist others at all, because one gives feedback almost in a complaint-manner, offering no solutions, nor considering the impact it makes on others to come across in a very bossy manner.  

So for example today when recalling this point with my partner, he explained how sometimes I can bring up some facts about certain things he cannot do, and turn it into a sort of amazement in a way of saying ‘how is it possible that you still cannot do it!’ considering that to me it is a simple thing, a natural thing and so expecting that ‘it should be simple for others to do so as well.’ Well, I have to realize it is not. So he suggested I instead assist in that moment to verbalize points of reference so that he also pushes himself to be more aware of the point, to practice memorizing certain things, and so be more ‘here’ and aware of surroundings. I realized how much my remarks – even if my intent is not of ridicule – can be perceived as such, because I am not supporting another, but only pointing out in a sense of ‘amazement’ how something is not yet part of his natural abilities. This is a lack of consideration and so, what I will do from now on is watch myself to not make these unnecessary remarks, but instead turn it immediately into a feedback process where I usually then ask questions to see what is lacking, where is a misunderstanding, how can I assist and identify the ‘weak link’ in the process. All of this done of course in a very humble manner, with the sole starting point of wanting to assist another to develop themselves, not having a high-pitched demanding voice or a tonality of desperation, irritation or plain annoyance, that will get one nowhere in this life when talking to another.

I also just now see that gentleness is the word that also is then lived when moderating one’s voice and pace of words when walking through a misunderstanding, where usually if one fires up, the other one follows. It is definitely cool to apply then this humbleness, consideration and gentleness when communicating to clear up a situation and in essence, be more creative when considering solutions all the time, instead of rehashing the problem in an attempt to blame or keep one’s ‘pride’ untouched. It is mostly lame and even difficult when trying to ‘save face’ as some say and keeping one in this mode of ‘I am right and you are wrong’ it truly leads nowhere but further problems.

Now I enjoy actually the process of recognizing: yes, I realize I fucked up in that moment, sorry about not considering you in this – from now on I will ask you, reference it and ensure I communicate all details so that we both are on the same page on this. I will also share what I see you can also consider to apply, yet not forcing it upon you, you decide how you apply the principles in that moment and what you are comfortable doing.

It really takes nothing but humbleness to do this, and patience as well considering how many times things can repeat, to not get flustered about it, but to apply that consideration, patience and humbleness as many times as it is needed.

Today it was actually great to get feedback on some points he sees that he’s bettered himself at, and the points he still struggles with, which I realized the best support also exists by sharing my own examples of what I’ve walked, and when I haven’t lived something he’s dealing with, I share examples of other people I have worked with/walked with in similar patterns and how they have come to trance-end /transcend certain points in their lives. This is the kind of living examples or ‘living feedback’ that is of most value, to show how change is possible and so be willing to take the time to walk with the person in such assistance, to take them by the hand with care, consideration and humbleness into becoming something that they haven’t yet seen themselves being capable of being or becoming.

Through doing this, I’ve also then been able to be more aware of my tendencies to control, to impose, to be authoritarian and generally bossy. I’ve been learning a lot and I’m grateful for being able to change it in real time and live the difference this makes, how else would I have been able to spot these aspects that exist in me?

Thanks for reading.

 

Don't Be Hard on Yourself

 

Learn more about this and Join in:


429. What Relationships Can Be In This World

I just remembered how when I was growing up and going through school, I saw the disparity that existed between people. I used to be the one that would always get it ‘all right’ and it truly saddened me to see that others could see themselves as not being able to do something, getting sad and nervous because of not being able to achieve something or perform in something, or perceiving themselves as not good enough or simply truly weren’t able to create a certain outcome for themselves: a project, an exam, a task, understanding some kind of exercise in any subject. In this, within reflecting about what we truly need to create in this world, common sense dictates that it is definitely not a series of relationships based on competition, comparison, wanting to be ‘on top of others’ or deliberately sabotage others in order to perceive oneself to be ‘winning’ – and the same goes for the opposite side where we deliberately sabotage ourselves, set ourselves to lose and become plainly apathetic, angry or depressed about virtually everything, not wanting to live –  instead, I consider that creating relationships of mutual support  is what is needed in our world.

I read the other day someone’s post where they pointed out how there is a ‘life coach for almost everything nowadays,’ which is so in an era where anything can be turned into a business – yes, virtually anything – and so the person concluded  that each one should instead be their own life coach. I wholeheartedly agree on the latter since the whole problem in this world is that we have become blind by our consent and led to the slaughterhouse with tricks and gimmicks that we wholly bought into, because we didn’t know any other form of self-respect – we can forgive ourselves for that… But, the point of applying any form of self-support and self-improvement is to eventually get to a point where one does not depend on any other person to get to see the common sense in any situation, to get to learn to trust oneself, to learn to make decisions, to face the mistakes and consequences, essentially to learn how to live, how to motivate oneself without expecting the carrot on the stick the next moment and reach one’s utmost potential within the consideration and foundation of what is best for all – whichever this potential/expression may be for each person in their lifetime.  

However, throughout these years I learned that we are unfortunately not born with an intrinsic set of abilities, considerations and realizations to become this self-improved version of oneself from the get-go. I wish it was like that, that we had common sensical parents, education systems, families, media, politicians, entertainment and the whole rest of things and people that we are influenced by and consume throughout our lifetime, having little to no reference of how things could be ‘better.’ And if it was so that one we didn’t need  to learn or support ourselves from others, it would be obvious by now: we would not have the mess of the world we have now, let me fine tune that: the mess of the people we have become in this world.

So, I then reflected on myself. Sure, I had some ‘qualities’ that people in the system would have regarded as ‘remarkable’ but none of it was of factual substance, it didn’t benefit anything or anyone but a ‘mark’ on myself and my ego. Any personal success sure felt ‘good’ but at the same time it felt completely contrived, my life was not satisfying even if ‘I had a good life.’ So what was really missing? Well every time I looked around and saw that this reality of ‘success in all’ didn’t exist to everyone, available for everyone, I would get depressed and sad because come on! who the hell can enjoy the sight of misery? No one in their common 5 senses. 

When I started walking this process 8 years ago now, I realized that the much hoped for ‘change in the world’ that I expected to be created or emerge by the hand of some ‘god’ or ‘force of nature’ out there, had to be in fact started by myself, by supporting me and allowing myself to actually be supported by others that were doing the same for themselves. This is in fact the greatest gift I was able to give to myself when it was made available as such – as it is currently now for everyone that wants to support themselves as well – unconditionally, with no second agendas other than applying the principle of what it means to be ‘one and equal’ in fact, of understanding the necessity we all have to stand up, assist ourselves to become the best versions we can be of ourselves and so, change the world.

Would I have been able to immediately, without any help/support, be able to ‘stand up’ within myself and now stand as support for others too?  Absolutely and honestly, no. I was too emotional to have been able to see past those experiences and discover my inner strength, to realize what I was in fact able and capable of being in my life, which has been possible throughout this process which does involve having other people being there for you to assist us, to suggest directions, to remind ourselves of what we may already be aware of at some level but haven’t been paying enough attention to realize that we do have a potential to be this best version we can of ourselves, we just have covered it up with fears, beliefs, judgments, opinions, ideas, distorted and often disrespectful imaginations of ourselves. This is where I realized that I in fact needed that helping hand, and how grateful I am for it because I would not be who I am now If I hadn’t made the decision to walk this process, to actually join a group of self-support and let go of all of my fears or ideas that I had related to ‘being part of a group of self-support’ no matter how hard it was to let go of my idea that ‘I could do it by myself’ too, which I’ve realized is mostly ego at times when I know and have from time to time reference how supportive it always is to have another pair of eyes and ears to reference one’s choices and decisions in life.

What I understood from the first day I decided to in essence walk this process and change my life, is that I wanted to be able to assist in this process of ‘changing the world’ by changing ourselves. I wanted to be part of the team of people that could in the same way that I was being assisted to stand up for once and for all, also assist others in doing the same in their lives. Today me and the same group of people that have walked this process for over 8 years together, were reflecting about how satisfying it is to actually assist oneself and assist others to become ‘the better version of themselves they can be’ or ‘to reach their utmost potential,’ in essence, to become part of that change that we so dearly want to create in this world.

I can honestly say that I had not realized how I am in fact doing what I have been seeking to do since I was a very little girl. I tried helping people with studying and learning stuff, since that’s what I was programmed to be ‘good at’ I guess, but that’s not really something entirely useful for the rest of our lives. Assisting another to actually develop their inherent abilities and qualities to live life to the best of each one’s ability and become an extra-ordinary person is definitely something that is in all sense of the word, priceless and fully satisfying.

So, I mentioned how it would be awesome if we all had relationships in this world that were as supportive as the ones that we have between ourselves as a group of self-support. And the reality is that: we can! We only have to make the decision to do so, all that it takes is first doing this for ourselves, to be humble enough to realize: yes, I require some support, I can benefit from some assistance in learning how to support myself, to direct myself to eventually be trusting myself to not only keep doing this for me, but also extend this support to others. I also understand that some people can have the capacity, skills and general discipline it takes to do this for yourself, to be your own ‘life coach’ if you will: my hats off to them if they truly consider they can do it by themselves… but I can only speak for my life and the situations where I had to be humble enough to realize: I needed some help because I was a bit lost at the time.  And! it is an ongoing process, because it’s a continuous feedback loop to learn from, to nurture ourselves from each other and from whichever each one lives in our day to day.

This is not just buying or paying for a service that you get as a form of therapy, this is not a one person you don’t know that gets to listen to you for hours. I as many others involved in supporting other individuals, in fact walk with one another side by side, as equals in the process  – we do this because we not only understand that everyone at some point in their lives need a hand, need some support, need some guidance, but also because we understand that if we have an ultimate view of this world being able to be something better than what it is now, we don’t have to go that far to try and ‘change the world’ as an unintelligible mess, but to rather take the first steps and start with ourselves, one by one. It is also because it is part of living the principles that I decided to align myself in this life: do onto others as you’d like to be done onto you. And in a more directive manner as it happened to me: do to others what others unconditionally have done in support of you and your life in this world. This is invaluable.

The relationships created with this group of people I work/communicate with are something that I would not change for the world. It is not just a one way ‘coach-trainee’ relationship, it is not a leader-follower relationship, it is beyond that. It is about human beings that decide to assist and support each other for an entire lifetime if needed until the person stands in self-trust and sufficient confidence so that they now can be a pillar of support and assistance to others that are equally willing to assist and support themselves. This is not a facilitator-receiver process only, this is one deciding to get involved with the person in a process where through communication, week after week, throughout years,  a real bond is created, an actual care for another is developed, ensuring that one is there as a point of reference when our compass seems to get a lost and continue to support in the development of all the qualities and skills that each person discovers they can bring forth or create as part of this self-creative path.

This is the process of weaving the relationships, the community, the network of people that are and will continue to change the way that we live in this world, and so change it in fact.  This is the real reward: not money, not recognition, not ‘feeling good’ only for a moment or positive highs, or relationships of monetary interest, not at all. This is the actual creative process for a person to realize who they really are and can be in this life not only for themselves, but for the common good of everyone and everything else, while developing relationships with people from around the world for a lifetime. That’s what real friendships and relationship should be about in my humble opinion.

I dare you to find this out for yourself.

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


424. The Importance of Resolve

 

Sometimes we embark ourselves in a decision to change something about ourselves, to stop a particular abusive pattern, to align an aspect of our behavior or to cut ties with particular relationships, however what tends to happen is that we’re not entirely successful with this endeavor if we are missing a key ingredient to make it work: resolution.

 

 

This came up as I was writing on a personal matter that has ‘haunted’ me in my dreams for a long time now in relation to a specific past relationship in my past,  and I have been throughout time applying self forgiveness on the various aspects that mostly come up in dreams and I have wondered: but why is this STILL coming up? Isn’t it sufficient to have walked on this point for over seven years whenever the same comes up? And so I was looking at the word that I was missing, a clue on what I wasn’t fully considering in this process applied to this particular past relationship and the word is Resolve – and as I was reading the definition of course it clicked: I require to have an unwavering, firm, absolute stand in relation to the actual closure of this point within me in my mind and the decision of who I decide to be toward this point in my reality.

What I realized is that I had probably written a lot about it and I understand the reasons why it comes up, but it’s funny that I made it a bit something ‘more than myself’ as if it was something ‘more powerful’ or ‘sticky’ in a way that made me still dream about the same point in various ways and perceive it as something that would take ‘forever’ to let go of  or give closure too, and even speculated on why this point is ‘so strong’ which is not recommended lol, well at least it brings up further points for self forgiveness on other ideas, beliefs, perceptions as the reasons we give ourselves to make the point ‘more than us.’ However, as I was reading the definition of resolution, it all clicked, the simplicity of the solution was in fact in the word resolution: I realized that I had in fact left some kind of ‘open back door’ in my mind wherein I could still in some unconscious way ‘leave a possibility open’ for me to still hold on/cherish these memories just for the ‘benefit of it’ due to the value that I had given to that relationship specifically when it comes to the starting point of such relationship and what I believe ‘it gave me’ which was related to in this case, a perception of getting ‘acceptance’ and ‘worth’ from another, which were words I hadn’t lived as myself then.

So, what am I really missing then here which is what I will now commit to live as myself around this point? Resolution, which is giving an actual closure, having the resolve means having the firm and unwavering  stand and decision to fully let go and fully stop participating in entertaining the memories around this point, which I have actually been working on these past months since I wrote the blog on: 416. Relationships: Not about the Taste, but the Nutrients – however I do recognize that specifically on this topic, there hasn’t been like an absolute, full resolution to stop all attempts of me in my mind going back again on the subject, which even shows up in dreams at times.  This will be then a process of being fully diligent with not entertaining the same point, not ‘feeding’ it even by associating places, things, colors to that same construct of that part of my past which I’ve defined as ‘haunting’ which of course is not that it is ‘haunting me’ but rather how I have entertained it/ fed it for far too long even if the actual relationship is no longer part of my life.

I have to stand in full resolve to do this, there is no ‘middle way’ here and in a way I’ve seen this as the ‘toughest’ point thus far because it seems to ‘still be there’ no matter how much I have written about it – but I do fully see that it will take absolute discipline to stop revamping memories and experiences for my ‘personal consumption’ in a literal manner.

 

 

resolve

  verb

1  settle or find a solution to. Medicine cause (a symptom or condition) to heal or disappear.

2  a firm decision. a formal expression of opinion or intention agreed on.

3  Music cause (a discord) to pass into a concord during the course of harmonic change.

4  (resolve something into) reduce a subject or statement by mental analysis into (separate elements or a more elementary form). chiefly Chemistry separate into constituent parts or components.

5  (of something seen at a distance) turn into a different form when seen more clearly. (of optical or photographic equipment) separate or distinguish between (closely adjacent objects). technical separately distinguish (peaks in a graph or spectrum).

6  Physics analyse (a force or velocity) into components acting in particular directions.

  noun

1  firm determination.

 

 

 

ORIGIN

          Middle English (in the senses ‘dissolve, disintegrate’ and ‘solve a problem’): from Latin resolvere, from re- (expressing intensive force) + solvere ‘loosen’.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply ‘full resolve’ to some points in my life, but those toward which I had built a ‘sentimental attachment’ then believe that I can somehow ‘leave around’ in the back of my head as if they were really ‘a part of me,’ instead of realizing that it is in those points that I keep myself ‘locked’ into aspects of myself as ‘my past’ that have no space in my current reality other than in my mind – therefore, I see that the moment that I allow myself to go into one single moment of ‘acceptance and allowance’ and/or indulgence of memories, thoughts, experiences, links to that one point in my past as memories, I reactivate the whole construct once again. Thus,

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that this point was ‘more than myself’ because it had come up over and over again and even in dreams, not realizing that even if I was writing it all out, I recognize that I am not yet living this absolute resolve to change this one point specifically in ALL dimensions, including the obvious tendency to still ‘give into’ the memory in dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet be fully diligent and stand in equal resolution to who I am when awake in my dreams, because I have defined in an unconscious way dreams to be the ‘last memory bastion’ wherein I could still have ‘my enjoyment’ about things, people, experiences that are no longer here in my reality – thus I realize that I have to fully let go of this false ‘enjoyment’ in dreams and realize that every moment that I indulge even in dreams around the same point, I make it part of my reality again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still ‘indulge’ into memories and experiences around this particular point in my life through dreams and even more so to want to keep sleeping whenever this point emerges in my dreams, instead of realizing that it is because I haven’t fully made  a decision to not participate in anything that has to do with this one point that the dreams occur as the obvious reflection of my suppression around it, of the denial of myself still wanting to ‘keep’ this point in my mind and believing that ‘I got it all under control’… but this is not really about ‘control’ but being willing to absolutely stop participating in memories, links, thoughts, experiences, dreams and any sort of nostalgia of the past around this particular point.

I realize that it is not that the point has ‘kept me locked’ but that I have been the one giving all of this energy and resistance to it throughout a long time and because I haven’t been absolutely living the resolution to stop it, it’s been a recurrent dream, a recurrent point in my mind-reality which of course has nothing to do with who I am here in physical reality any longer.

 

I commit myself to fully stop all thoughts, all memories, all experiences, all yearnings around this point. This is it and I’ll be the one knowing how effective I am in this stance and resolution on this point, as I realize that I am the only one that creates the haunting , not ‘the point’ itself.

 

 

So it’s interesting that in order to give resolution to something, to ‘solve it’ is to actually loosen it, to let go of it with a firm and unwavering decision to actually do so, to live that decision in every moment that I see I slack on the same point and allow myself to ‘wander’ around it again. I realize that resolution is what I require to apply within me as an absolute stance of who I decide to be if I am already now witnessing what happens when I don’t have an absolute resolve around stopping something within me. Thus, it’s a matter of absolutely just doing it, living it – but not allow just ‘bits’ here and there as that one single ‘bit’ of indulgence reactivates the whole construct once again, I make it part of myself, of my moment here which has nothing to do with myself and my reality any longer – it’s just memories that I have given fuel and importance to, that I have fed with energy to continue defining me according to ‘my past’ which doesn’t make any sense at all because this process is not about ‘fixing my past’ but changing who I am in relation to it.

 

So hereby I establish how in order to resolve something that I haven’t been ‘solving’ in an effective manner, is to check my resolution on stopping/changing or aligning myself in relation to that particular point I want to change/stop and align in my life. So simple, yet as it is said: the devil is in the details.

 

DSC03008

 

 

Watch:

Desteni Movie Night – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Read:

Day 56: Letting Go of an Old Flame

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


418. Deschooling Ourselves: Why and How to Do it?

 

unlearn rethink

After watching Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves workshop video, I realized how important it is to be aware of how much of ‘who we become’ as a person in our society and in relation to others is shaped in and by the schooling system. To this, it would also be unfair to only look at school as the only one problem there is in our society, because schools were created by us human beings in the first place so there’s a human mind behind it all; albeit for all practical purposes, the idea of ‘education’ and the blind trust that parents confer to the schooling system makes of the schooling system set up the most easy way to actually justify integrating values, beliefs, behaviors, ways of thinking reality, ways of relating to others, ways of survival among one another where we are geared to continually having to prove ourselves to be ‘the best’ or ‘the worst’ in a system of standardized marks.

School is also the place where we come to first get in contact with people of different backgrounds, where our initial social clash begins which leads us to start inherently doing a process of preference over principle, which is how we come to build our very first friendships and relationships, where we as children do not  have a full awareness of us in fact being in a closed-system where one gets to be friends with people that could or could not afford some private/public school, and so already from there, we start classifying ourselves based on our socioeconomic background.

I have to say it is also unfortunately the place where parents place their most trust on within the systemically integrated belief that ‘whatever happens in school is just fine’ and that teachers and the government system behind it as education system ‘knows best’ – while parents mostly see this as some free time from their parental duty – or are deliberately also kept busier with long hours of work which is leading to unattended children growing up in front of TV’s, computers plugged into the myriad of boundless information on the internet and learning tricks about drugs and developing sexual deviances as a way to escape the inherent anguish of living in a world where parents must work 24/7 to get money to live, and where you as a child/youngster will invariably have to end up doing the same… I mean, who would not react to that expectative of one’s ‘future’ in this broken world? Yet we dismiss it and actually have come to blame schools, blame media, blame the government, blame parents and so as you can see blaming each other for the problems we have co-created in our society of which school is one great and pivotal pillar of.

 

robots

 

There’s a complete structural problem in our society and a large part of it has to do with how we haven’t questioned our sacred institutions like schools and the way they exist nowadays, which from my perspective are more like prisons or reformatory cells, they have always been the brewing ground for behavioral conditioning, human experimentation and indoctrination which goes unnoticed within the idea that there’s always an authority that somehow has a ‘greater understanding,’ because we place our trust on systems of validation, certification and quality-proof standards placed by some organization we’ve defined as government, which are a few individuals that have unfortunately proven to be easily bribed to rather arrange laws and regulations in a way where other individuals can be benefitted from it all – either for profit, for further population control or both. All of this apparatus of authority is currently quite skewed of course and it is rather alarming since school is the spot where kids are mandated to go to every single day – yet, even if kids do not go to a school per se, the same principles of it are still embedded in the way that we organize ourselves, in the way that we related with one another, in the way that we value ourselves, in the way that we choose what we want to do with our lives, in the way that we behave with our families and friends. The sheer idea of ‘education’ as it exists now is only a reinforce and catalyzer of essential mind and behavioral patterns that have existed within us as human beings since the beginning of our species, as they are all existent in the very core programming and functioning of our minds. So, what have we done then? We have only perfected the mechanism to make it a continuous mandatory process for kids to get to like/dislike certain things and make decisions based on, well, mostly fear of survival so that we can keep the same slave system mechanism running. But is it really the system that is the enslaving one? Or is it that we haven’t really realized where the real policeman ‘in the head’ resides in? Hint, the answer is already given in that question.

 

In Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves, a group of people walk through and expose all the behaviors, personalities, quirks and fears that they have become throughout their schooling years, wherein either one would stick to the rules and follow or dissent and rebel in whichever way possible, one would start valuing oneself according to the kind of work you deliver to the teacher, another would seek to prove the teacher wrong, another would seek be approved by them, another just wanted to break free and rebel against all rules… this also included some other more personal aspects like  because in school we also have mostly faced some of our most embarrassing or stressing moments.

I’ve shared before about crying over getting lost during math calculation exercise and not being able to keep track of it, getting so anxious that I burst into tears. From my experience, I’ve shared before about the usual pressure one would get when being ‘on the top’ and so having some classmates trying to ‘take me down/take ‘my place’ and directly letting me know how they would win over me and how they would see me fall and be glad for it, etc. All kinds of bullying also comes when being the one that sticks to all rules and does things ‘to the T,’ which to me for example later on became a way to simply dislike being used as an example for the class, which led me to then want to hide while  still wanting to keep my sense of public recognition. This influenced the way I shaped my main personalities: I started to desire being ‘cool’ for any other reason other than getting straight A’s …  and kind of a ‘rebel’ by liking non-popular things so that I could make it clear that I wasn’t ‘the teacher’s pet’ either for example.

All of these patterns are part of a lengthy self-investigative process that is contained in the pages of this blog as I’ve seen that most of the times when investigating any mind pattern, word or behavior, it invariably goes back to one of those ‘memories of schooling days’ and how some of the most ingrained fight or flight patterns, behaviors, attitudes, self-definitions like qualities and virtues, likes and dislikes as well as career choice a.k.a. who I wanted to be and become as a person, were shaped based on the same education system. To me it also involved a process of sharing a room with either 6 other kids in my first school and then moving onto being with over 35 in the following schools and universities, which is already quite a challenge when it comes to seeing how it is virtually impossible for teachers to be truly aware of students in large classes.

School becomes ‘the place’ where we are supposed to ‘find our ground in life’ and so, it’s quite obvious that we only become copies of the copies of stereotypes that we also acquire from the usual imprinting of professions we are supposed to go veering toward from an early age as part of the social-structure – however along with that, we got movies, TV shows imprinting a whole different set of values with which we believe we are in fact ‘making a free choice’ to do what we want, but we have never even questioned whether what ‘we want’ is in fact something we truly developed for ourselves or something we learned from school or saw on TV or internet.

In essence, we have never really been genuinely ‘ourselves’ as all we have become is copy of the copy of the coping and survival mechanisms we’ve shaped as personalities or professions, and that’s what I mostly have realized also when it comes to investigating myself and my ‘core personalities’ and how everything that I developed as ‘my personality’ was a collection of bits and pieces of popular counter-culture aspects along with a decision to antagonize the system no matter what, while remaining ‘safely’ in it at the same time since I would still like to be the obedient straight A person in school, lol, even if I tried to ‘rebel’ at the end… it just would not work as I couldn’t simply fathom myself being irresponsible at school which involved a sense of responsibility of ‘school being the one thing that I had to do as my main activity’ throughout the years.

What is behind that, for example? Fear of being punished, fear of being left behind, fear of losing my self-value and definition? Fear of losing my ‘throne’ as the first one in the class? Well, these points are definitely something that come to define ‘who one is’ based on a particular setting like school, where we actually acquire this way of thinking based on achievements, values, marks, behaviors and responsibilities that lie not within a common sensical practical outcome, but according to doing things the way they are asked to be done and according to a ranking system that is in no way based on the particular skills and abilities that are unique to each child, that is simply not part of our school system.

At the end of that Deschooling workshop by Eisenstein, the ultimate question remains: how to Deschool ourselves? And I simply realized that actually walking this process of self-investigation, of writing oneself to freedom, of developing self-honesty wherein we investigate our core patterns within ourselves is the best way to deschool ourselves, because in investigating our behaviors, our personalities, our fears, our manias, our weaknesses and strengths, our relationships, our friendships, our first traumas, our first embarrassments, our bullying experiences, our relationship to authority, our ability to learn, our qualities and deficiencies, comparison and judgment toward others, our discriminatory or empathic behaviors, our friendships, our enemies… all of these aspects that one actually gets to first live in school – most of the times – are part of what one can write out for oneself, investigating each pattern within the awareness of writing the experience out to identify how is it that one has limited oneself in such pattern.

So for example, if I had continued to only value myself according to what marks I would get in school, and feel ‘bad’ for getting a lower mark, then I would have continued to seek to get some ‘straight A’s’ or the equivalent way to get such ‘superiority validation’ somewhere else in my world, just because of not wanting to get to the opposite side of that and so lose my self-validation/recognition. So I had to work with understanding ‘who am I as recognition’ and the desire thereof, where am I not valuing myself, how have I accepted and allowed myself to only value myself according to achievements at school? Or how have I believed myself to only be a brain that thinks well? Where am I not actually seeing myself beyond this limited valuing perspective and really seeing through a broader potential that I had probably and most likely would not have developed if I had continued to only stick to my personality and personal desires.

So, deschooling ourselves involves a practical and continuous application of walking a process to self-forgive and let go of all the plethora of perceived flaws, definitions, beliefs, limitations, fears and rather work with developing real self-value, real self-acceptance and skills to develop ourselves to our utmost potential. In this, for example, I had to stop the desire to be recognized by others, while at the same time also walking the opposite polarity – because, as one walks one pattern you also get to understand how the mind works in polarities. And so I realized that along with my desire to be recognized, I also got to fear being recognized and so actually sought to ‘hide’ or become a rather ‘low-key’ individual while still holding on this ‘recognition’ point in place, so essentially I would create my own inner conflict which I even externalized in the way that I would dress in a rather extravagant manner while  at the same time using my body’s posture to indicate that I didn’t want to be seen, so I would hunch while walking because I believed that standing straight was ‘showing off’ and only able to be done by good looking girls for example, lol, yes all of this is a fine example of how we pollute our minds in fact.

So, this is just a tip of the iceberg example that one is actually able to investigate for oneself when looking at all the patterns we’ve become in our lives, not only from school but acquired from parents, from people we watch on TV, from the books we read, from the people we admire, from our friends and people around us, etc. As I’ve mentioned, we’ve become the copies of the copies and so the schooling system, the social system has become nothing but a reflection of these categories and identities existent and developed in our minds wherein we get lost in comparison, judgment and the idea of value in relation to ‘who we are’ within the system, all of which actually enables us to coexist within our current dog-eat-dog mentality, where all that matters is achieving personal glory regardless of who or what is abused and affected by it, or ‘collaterally damaged.’

 

I am a product of this society and I’ve had to walk this rather astounding process of deschooling myself,  of deprogramming myself in my mind while at the same time walking a process of self-creation, which is a continued process of self-investigation of every single moment, every single day wherein one continues to assert oneself as the new integration of common sense, of living principles, of a sense of commonality, of a consideration of what’s best for all, of not following an experience as to ‘how I feel’ or how I believe ‘I should feel/be like/act like/talk like’ to dictate who I am in the moment,  wherein it is a continuous process of letting go of any constrains and limitations that I have previously identified through writing, and have released through the process of self-forgiving behaviors, emotions, feelings, thinking patterns, ideas about myself so that I could then practically and actively work on stopping myself from running-through the same old programmed ‘me.’

Now I place my focus on attention on this self-creation process which is truly a first-timer for us all to be able to walk and do, because it is now that we are for the first time becoming more and more aware of things that were deeply rooted in the unconscious before. Now we are able to slowly but surely as humanity able to spot these patterns and behaviors with greater ease, and I have to say that this then a great opportunity and it does rejoice me to see more and more people starting to question themselves, and the overall world-system, which indicates there’s in fact a great opportunity existent here to change the direction of our lives if more and more people start waking up and smelling reality for what it is so that we can work together to correct and align it.

I must also say that when I speak of this process, it isn’t something I do ‘by myself’ nope, it would have been mostly more difficult I’d say – I walk with a group of people networked through the internet – around the globe – with whom we’ve shared our lives,  our writings for over 7 years now, keeping in constant processes of developing and strengthening our communication and feedback processes to ensure that we don’t get lost in this re-educational process we’re walking, which has to do little to nothing to any regular ‘schooling system,’ but we are all more than certain that more individuals must recognize the vital importance of implementing this self-investigation process as part of our schooling system, learning how to work with our minds as our thoughts, feelings, emotions, to learn how to effectively write them out and communicate about them while integrating a sense of self-support through developing common sense: the consideration of what is best for all. 

It is about time we realize that it makes complete sense to actually focus on empowering each other to learn how to best coexist as human beings rather than focusing on being liked by the teacher, or beating our classmates, or planning ways to get into a group of friends to ‘fit in,’ or planning our greatest success where we disregard another’s life of lack of opportunities and suffering that is and has become our collateral damage in this zero sum reality.

It is thus in our greatest and most common interest that we could all walk this self-education process of self-honesty which is a process of self-creation according to living principles to get to develop ourselves to our fullest potential, and so make it part of our educational programs in whichever way they take shape in the (near) future once that we more and more realize how detrimental and even harmful our current standardized type of educational systems are which actually stems from the skewed and misconstrued value systems in our minds.  

So, the best way to deschool ourselves, which is the same as saying the best way to change ourselves is definitely walking the Desteni I Process. There’s no greater set of tools in this world, nor greater group of people that commit themselves to support one another throughout this Journey to Life, to live in dignity and equality. And I can only encourage everyone to try it out for yourself, because if I had aimed at simply wanting to ‘change’ but not really investigating my mind and living patterns to the utmost degree, to really learn how to sweep behind the rug of my memories, my past, my experiences, to understand who am I within my mind and how to practically apply and establish solutions in my day to day living, I would have been equally lost in a constant yearning ‘for change’ but not really knowing how or where to start.

This isn’t an easy thing to do either, it’s probably the greatest commitment we’ll ever make in our lives, which is our commitment to actually learn how to live in the benefit of ourselves and all life considered. However, it will for sure be the most rewarding and long lasting for future generations as well.  

 

Recommend to Read:

Teacher’s Journey To Life

 

Remove the cords - self change -deschooling - desteni

Artwork by Damián Ledesma 

 

 

Recommended to watch:

Hear the Podcasts:

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


396. I Think, therefore I Assume

ASSumptions and Self Trust

I realized how in one single moment where I trust my mind and assumptions made in my mind in one single moment of reaction where I jumped into conclusions,  ‘linking the dots’ to assume about another’s’ words/actions, I in that moment actually miss my point of self-trust and instead go into trusting my mind. How many times have I heard: do not trust your mind which means, to not trust any form of reaction, emotion, thought that I am not directly seeing for its full implication such as:

Who am I the moment that I am assuming this point about another? Who am I within ASSuming?

Because it’s really not about another here, it’s about myself being working in my mind in such assumption-mode which is something I had taken for granted actually so it is also cool that this point emerged in such a ‘straight’ manner, where I am able to actually see how I created a rift within a relationship, but more so within myself as in that moment I was not fully here considering all the implications of me thinking/assuming about others which is then part of how we concoct conflicts ‘about others’ but really is only a conflict I create in my mind based on also an accumulation of other assumptions that I also deemed as ‘unimportant,’ not considering the accumulation that takes place when I went assuming things and instead of confronting them with the person, the point then emerged as an automated assumption to fulfill my previous ideas/beliefs about what was going on with others’ lives.

This is also a very pertinent point as I could notice it created the kind of ‘hangover’ I hadn’t experienced in a long time, when you know that you did something that could have had further consequences that I didn’t measure when jumping into these series of thoughts and so, it is also to debunk the ‘perfect world’ that I also have in my head about my relationships with others, and to realize how careful and utmost attention I require to exist as in every moment to Not judge, not go into assumption, not ‘draw conclusions’ based on what I believe/think/perceive about others.

From making such mistake and going into feeling ‘bad’ or ‘guilty’ I would only trap myself in yet another emotion to cloud the actual point to learn here and to take self responsibility for, which is how to be able to stop assumptions that stem from a moment of ‘linking the dots’ according to what in I decided ‘made sense’ based on previous points where I also assumed points about another. So, if anything what I am here to develop is self-trust in a new dimension I hadn’t considered before: being able to trust myself to be Here as breath in every moment to be very aware of any minor reaction but mostly Assumption that’s the key word here as that’s where one draws conclusions without physical proof that things are the way I am ASSuming they are/happened.

 

 

assume
n    verb
1    accept as true without proof.
2    take (responsibility or control).
3    begin to have (a quality, appearance, or extent). Adopt falsely.

 

So there’s a few points to self-forgive here:

1. Not being here in the moment when I quickly jumped into conclusions and assuming something about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume which is to accept a thought, a reaction, an experience within me as ‘true’ and as such trust my thoughts, my reactions, my experience instead of being fully present here and able to assess every single thought that I accept and allow to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘assumption’ which is a rather unfortunately common way to quickly draw conclusions and ‘make up my mind’ about something/someone without actually proving it myself, gathering the actual information, cross referencing it, communicating with the person or in the situation I am creating any form of assumption about and as such I realize that assuming is nothing else but a fancy way to name lying/lies wherein I accept myself to concoct and fabricate a lie to myself in order to prove other lies to me which I have also created/drawn about something/someone

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever FEEL certain about ‘my assumptions’ and within this not realizing that I am placing trust into my thoughts, my Feelings, my emotions, my mind instead of first actually Stopping and looking at what am I actually doing to myself when I assume or rather create/fabricate ideas/beliefs/perceptions about something/someone  which are in essence lies in order to prove a point that I have ‘assumed’ about something/someone – which doesn’t make sense as I am relying on a self-concocted lie to then make myself ‘right’ about what I had actually also created as a judgment, a belief, a perception about something or someone previously – which means: it was all a lie that I actually made myself believe as true without measuring the consequences of how I in fact was affecting my relationship with another without openly talking about it.

 

  • 2. Not realizing that it wasn’t about me ‘not trusting’ another but rather me trusting my mind and my assumptions based on what I also had been accumulating as other assumptions which I didn’t really confront and communicated directly with the person I was assuming things about – therefore missing out the essential point of living the word frankness and being direct when it comes to rather communicating about something instead of leaving points accumulate within me as Assumptions that I didn’t communicate, which then caused me to easily jump into conclusions based on previous moments where I also jumped into conclusions/assumed and thus considered that I could not trust someone any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump into conclusions and assume about the reason behind another’s actions based on what I had also assumed about others’ lives/actions/words which implies that I had already allowed my self to be assuming/be lying to myself, be making up ideas and beliefs as to why something/someone exists/does something in a certain manner which actually can only point out to myself what actually still exists within me, which I covered up with the line ‘I don’t like being lied to’ and creating a reaction of ‘feeling cheated’ in that moment, but I didn’t even realize that it was all really me creating this all within me, not realizing I created the assumptions/the lies within me in that split second based on me accumulating previous assumptions that I hadn’t actually communicated and confronted which is why it was so easy for me to just continue the assumptions because I had done it in the past and ‘let it be’ without actually scrutinizing the point myself and being critical about what is it that I am actually accepting and allowing to exist within me – which is then entirely me assuming my responsibility to my mind/my thoughts/ my experience instead of diverting it toward another, which is the way to abdicate my own responsibility to my own thoughts in the first place.

 

I realize that in the past in relationships with people I have allowed myself to keep quiet in relationships which had already lead me to relationship failures, wherein the moment I don’t actually open up and confront the point with another which is what I would like others to do onto myself, I am actually being the starting point of my own self-agreement failure as I am not being entirely self-honest to myself to First even before confronting the ‘assumption’ with another, first question my own assumption, see where I am gathering the information from, what are my foundations for it, what is the proof that I have for what I am assuming first – so that I then first ensure that I am the one that takes self-responsibility for myself, my thoughts, my mind and once I have cleared myself from any reaction or lies/assumptions created about another, but instead realize that I do have some points to confront and reference with others, then I simply direct myself to communicate and open it up instead of allowing these points to accumulate and kind of go ‘rotting’ in the background as this is where and how then going into further assumptions, reactions becomes more automated based on the string-of-lies and assumptions about something/someone.

Therefore I commit myself to live myself first what I would like others to do onto me too, which is to be upfront, clear, frank, directive, transparent which are words I have to first and foremost not to ‘ask’ from others, but to live these words myself within my own self-relationship with in turn then will be my relationship toward any other individual as well as who I am.

 

Here is then where I take/assume absolute responsibility wherein instead of assuming /lying to myself, drawing conclusions, making up ‘my mind’ about something or someone, I rather live the word assumption as assuming/taking the responsibility to ensure that I am first here, stable within myself and as such ensure that every word that I am creating in my mind has a clear starting point and is entirely self-directive, as I see that an accumulation of lies which I allowed to exist within me as assumptions then become a more automated form of lying which I didn’t question within me first, and so then actually exists as a point of abuse toward others coming from me within creating an experience of distrust or assuming ‘I am being lied to’ without realizing that the actual lie, the actual problem exists within me as an assumption in itself where I lie to myself about what I believe/think/perceive about another which is actually entirely existent in my own mind –therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a form of righteousness whenever I had assumed things wherein I then trust my lies/my mind going into assumption about things/people without actually investigating the point for myself, without actually rather confronting any misunderstanding with another through communication as I see and realize that if I apparently ‘don’t like lies/don’t like to lie’ which is one of the points I have placed within me as ‘virtue’ – without seeing that in fact this is just another form of ‘honesty’ card as the ‘system honesty’ because I missed the actual SELF-Honesty which is first questioning the validity, the substance and how acceptable my own thoughts and reactions are in my own mind, which is the first point of self-honesty missed when believing that ‘I am being lied to’ as this thought already implies I am actually the one lying to myself by hearing/placing trust in a thought that I have created in absolute irresponsibility, which means I didn’t assume my responsibility upon my own thought-creation that lead to assumptions about something/someone.

 

 

  • 3. I haven’t realized that this is really not about being able to trust another, but rather how I didn’t live self-trust fully to instead of assuming/jumping into conclusions in My mind to instead rather communicate it, to create an agreement of communication which will ensure that any relationships with others will be then like a fish tank: fully visible as there is nothing to hide, no backchats created as that is what creates the fracturing of any relationship, and within my self-agreement I have committed myself to be able to have transparent, integral relationships with every individual, which means having no secrets, no hidden agendas toward one another, no judgment, no backchat, no emotion or assumptions about others.

 

Missed Breaths 08

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually realize that I cannot ‘lose trust on another’ as there is really no ‘another’ but myself that creates such distrust by trusting my own mind, my own assumptions, my own beliefs which I have righteously created upon not actually communicating and opening up points that I’ve looked at but didn’t communicate, which is how one goes festering ‘little points’ over time which become yet more lies and more ‘reasons’ to assume/believe things about myself/others which is entirely existent in my own mind and as such, it is myself that has to ensure that I can instead trust myself  – which means that

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot trust myself whenever I am assuming, whenever I am reacting, whenever I am creating doubt/uncertainty/reactions toward another which I am not directly referencing Within and for myself first to see the validity of my thoughts, my experiences and if I then have sufficient proof, reason, foundation for what I am considering is something to point out in a relationship with another, then I pull up my socks and confront the situation as I realize that it is actually quite dishonest to not open up points as they come up, as these points then go accumulating and creating further unspoken assumptions/reactions which certainly creates a rift within my self and from myself toward others, which is entirely unnecessary when we are in fact able to communicate and be open about any point or situation that I see emerged within me and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eve fear confronting something or someone about my own assumptions which is rather a self-sabotage point because by confronting my own assumptions then the lies would be able to be spotted easier –but, the moment ‘I keep quiet’ that’s when the same pattern repeats: I don’t speak, further assumptions are created and so I create and give energy/attention to lies, to assumptions instead of immediately opening the point up and communicating about it.

 

Most importantly I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live self-trust fully as I realize now how whenever I am assuming I cannot and I am not in fact living self-trust because I am thinking/assuming/linking dots based on what I read/ get to know or perceive which is entirely subjective and self-created upon premises that I have also defined in a certain manner so that it fits ‘my assumption’ which is then entirely self-deceptive first and foremost.

 

When and as I see myself jumping into conclusions, assuming what’s going on with something/someone I stop and I breathe, I ensure that I am back into physical reality and focus on myself, questioning what is it exactly that I am accepting and allowing to exist within me toward myself and toward others? And within this simply stop continuing assuming and instead, rather immediately referencing the point instead of allowing it to ‘pass’ because I see that allowing things to ‘pass’ it’s actually just an allowance of having points remain undirected, unsolved, which is another way of saying: I am not taking responsibility for my own reactions, assumptions beliefs about something/someone in one moment, which is what creates the problem in the first place: when I allow lies/assumptions to exist within me and go ‘unnoticed’ and neglecting the responsibility I have to every single thought, movement, experience that I have in my mind and that No thought, no reaction, no experience can be righteous or justified.

When and as I see myself once again ever going into the backchat ‘I don’t like being lied to’ – I stop and I breathe – And I bring myself HERE to realize that I am the one lying to myself first by being self-dishonest and being creating a reaction upon my own thoughts and so, instead focus on looking at the point objectively so that I can then see what do I need to cross reference in order to ensure I am not assuming, and so confront the point or situation in the moment.

I see and realize that I have to practice that ability to be more directive in the moment which means not allowing something to ‘go by’ and allow it to just ‘pass’ as this is me not taking responsibility for what I created in my mind.

 

Therefore I commit myself to actually develop first self-trust wherein I am able to ensure that every single thought I have I can be certain it is self-directive and that I am fully here as I utilize my mind constructively to direct myself, to clarify situations, to open up and cross-reference with others, as that is then the way wherein I can ensure that I can trust myself in relationship to others which means: I can trust myself that I won’t create lies/assumptions about something/someone – but instead focus on investigating, taking/assuming responsibility to myself, my mind, my reactions and so within this, it will invariably and by default will also be easier to confront/expose/open up a point with others as I am then having the openness lived by myself first, which is the self-agreement at all times, to not see ‘others’ as the problem but always self, always taking the point back to myself.

 

I commit myself to ensure that I remain clear and stable no matter what, no matter how even something that I believe is a problem exists in reality, as we do live in a reality where things are not ‘easy’ or ‘smooth ‘ or ‘without problems’ because this entire world, our relationships and our lack of self-responsibility to our own minds is what has created the nature of a problematic world – therefore, instead of seeing this as a ‘big point’ I realize that I have to instead use this as a flag point to become aware of any other moment where I see myself assuming things about something/someone, quiet myself in that moment and focus on MYSELF and stopping lying/ deceiving and being self-dishonest within me accepting and allowing such assumptions/backchat about something/someone and instead focus on seeing the point and then looking how I am going to direct it, assuming my responsibility to my words, my mind, my actions and inactions.

 

I commit myself to also not continue ‘bashing’ myself for committing this mistake of assuming a lot about something/someone as that guilt/remorse is only an experience that also prevent us from directly spotting the responsibility within it all, so I instead focus on my responsibility to every word, every reaction I create and rather focus on preventing/stopping any reaction from existing within me in any given moment wherein I observe something/someone and go into believing that ‘I know’ why something/someone happens/does something as this is entirely self-referential which means: it has nothing to do ‘with others’ but rather upon myself and what I do or don’t do.

 

 

Pointing back at me

 

Interviews:

 

To Develop Self-Honesty and Learn how to live a Self-Agreement to be able to Trust ourselves, investigate:

392. Why are Emotional Relationships a Fuckup?

Continuing from:

 

“So the disillusionment with arts have to do with My Own expectations about it. How I thought that this was ‘the way’ to change the world and of course I didn’t follow through with ‘becoming an artist’ in the traditional sense which I then perceived as myself already ‘opting out’ of it all and seeing the sheer idea of dedicating myself to ‘create art’ as utterly selfish, without realizing how much I had desired ‘that’ to be my reality before. I’ve also been recently sharing about these points with people, explaining how I’m not proud of the decisions I made earlier on in my life and how I would not recommend anyone to study arts. I do however not say ‘don’t study arts’ but simply place my own expectations, my own experience, my decision to do something else and how such studies were a nice platform but not real tools that I can apply to what I am doing now.” From 387. The Love/Hate Relationship with Art

 

Nostalghia

 

Facing Myself, my Relationships through the Relationship with Art

I suggest to read:  What does it Mean to Have a Relationship with Oneself? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 608 by Andrew Gable

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationships based on emotions and feelings wherein it doesn’t matter whether it is arts or a person or a responsibility or a place, the moment that I create emotional and feeling attachments to places/people/objects/professions then I begin creating my own trap through definitions based on what I believe that ‘I like’ and what I believe is ‘my thing’ based on nothing else but emotions, feelings, experiences that I went attaching toward something/someone over time, and then believing that I am in fact all of these experiences, emotions and feelings in relation to something or someone, without realizing that such experiences cannot define what such something or someone is in fact, as it is all entirely self-created, it is me-myself that has created this experience within me.

Within this premise, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately automate the words ‘my relationship to/with something/someone’ being defined as an experience that I have built toward something or someone instead of the actuality of how I participate, interact with, communicate with /through something or someone and within that realizing that any experience that I create is entirely my own and has nothing to do with that something or someone but myself at all times.

Therefore I realize that the projections upon ‘art’ is in fact the experience that I have created toward the who I was within that time of my life when I chose to study art and that If I were to place myself within that same frame of mind 7 years ago, I would probably still go for that choice in life, which means that it is a decision I made entirely based on what I wanted to experience and who I wanted to be as a personality, an ego and satisfy my drive that I went building up throughout time to ‘make it’ within the art world – so this point I have opened up before however now I am able to see that it has nothing to do with ‘art’ in itself, I’ve made of art the excuse to project my own judgments toward my decisions, the way that I established relationships toward this something that I ‘built myself’ around, and as such because I realized I could not continue constructing myself as ‘an artist’ within the initial ideals I had, then I acted in spite and begun regretting and embarrassed by my choices in life as I see them as ‘useless’ without realizing that I was actually reacting at all the various others things I did in my life throughout that time of which I cannot be proud of either and that I cannot certainly recognize as ‘myself’ any longer so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the relationships that I built with people and with specifically my career as ‘arts’ which in fact reflect all the choices in my life, the people that I chose to surround myself with and that I cannot really judge myself for who I was back then as back then I had no awareness of the points I am aware now.

So I realize that I have to stop being ‘hard’ on myself based on this hidden-experience of having ‘the past haunting me,’ and so be able to finally let go of it as I do not have to re-enact this kind of shame or embarrassment about myself, my past relationships, my emotionally-driven decisions in life because it is to realize that back then I didn’t know any other way – and so instead I am grateful to be able to be here writing myself, having deviated from ‘the path’ that I had initially chosen as god knows where the hell I would be if I had followed through my ‘lifestyle’ and the relationships I built around the same ego and personality that I was. I rather see and recognize that I’ve definitely moved on from that phase of my life, but! Also realizing that every time that I create an experience toward any memory, any relationship, any past choice including my decision to study arts, I recreate the entire network of ‘the who I was’ in my past and as such I continue enslaving myself to those relationships and only fuel the negative experiences that are the opposite polarity to the initial positive experiences that I used to build my relationships with people and with the profession/career I was veering myself toward.

And within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to follow the usual pattern within the mind which is ‘dissing’ something once that one has squeezed the last drop of positive experience out of it, which means that once that it ‘served me’ and ‘its purpose’ and I’ve hit the ground back into reality about it and I am no longer seeing visions based on emotional and feeling experiences, then I go into the opposite polarity of talking bad about it and feeling righteous within that, without realizing that it is only the predetermined and rather predictable outcome from an initial positive experience that I created with such ‘passion’ about it that when the whole experience was no more, I ‘dropped’ down to the bottom and the opposite – so it happened just like a typical relationship wherein people first get in love with each other and as time progress and the energy runs dry, they part ways and talk shit about each other, so that’s what I did toward ‘art,’ and I didn’t even realize it because to me it was so right that it hadn’t fulfilled my expectations that I believed I had ‘the right’ to feel that way about it, without seeing the obvious: it was a feeling, an emotion, a judgment that came from nothing else but the ‘who I was’ toward art and so, within this ‘dissing’ recreating my past relationship to art over and over again – trapping myself in my own past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form emotional relationships toward what I deemed as ‘my career’ or ‘my path’ which in this case was art/being an artist and within this allow a physical process to become a rather emotionally driven relationship, similar to those that I’ve walked with individuals wherein there are a lot of feelings and emotions attached to something/someone that I want to hold onto and when the relationship is no more, such dependency then turns into a ‘lack’ of this fulfillment gotten from something or someone and as such, it turns into a form of bitterness ‘toward something or someone,’ without realizing that this all is really not about ‘art’ in itself or the people in my past relationships or else, it’s about myself and how I created relationships of dependency upon others in order to ‘satisfy me’ or ‘complete me’ or give me some kind of experience to which I could define myself, build myself, construct and upgrade myself as the ego that I was wanting to be within the ‘who I am’ as a professional artist as well as within the relationship formed in relation to who I am as an artist and in relationship to others.

 

Therefore I realize that the best way to follow through with this is to entirely let go of my experiences toward my past specifically and so be able to give myself back to myself as being able to focus on what is here, what I am working with, what I am developing as myself and also to align my relationship to art and be able to enjoy it, visiting museums or read about it, hear it, interact with it without loading the entire experience of ‘going to the museum’ and defining myself according to that any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful in the past few years and whenever I would talk about some forms of contemporary art become infuriated and a bit angry about what I defined as being utterly selfish and self-centered and ‘useless’ to the problems that I was then realizing were ‘much more important than that’ – and in this, I still agree that there are more important points in life than some kinds of art that are merely conceptual and contemplative and ‘useless’ as a tool to create practical solutions to the world – however, this obviously doesn’t justify the fact that I’ve been spiteful and holding this love-hate relationship to it, and within this only fueling an inner conflict of still being interested in or curious about the current art forms that are emerging while at the same time judging it as useless so here

I had considered myself to feel bitter about art

art-should-be

Bitter: causing pain or unhappiness. Feeling or showing angry hurt or resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter about art as in becoming resentful toward it and toward the people that create it, not realizing that I had exactly done the opposite for a prolonged period of time which is why the inner conflict arose in the first place, all based on me wanting to make of art the quintessential human experience and making it the most ‘honorable profession on Earth’ or so, and so believing that being an artist was the same or similar thing as to say I was chosen by god and/or touched by god, so in essence a lot of delusions of grandeur that I created within me and that I projected toward art. So, this bitterness as in being angry, resentful, dissatisfied toward art has to do with me having to let go of my own desires/hopes/dreams related to me becoming an artist. So once again, it has nothing to do with ‘art’ in itself but the expectations and experiences I created toward it and so, when realizing I had to stop pursuing my mind any further and only feeding my ego, that’s when the opposite relationship came up.

When and as I see myself feeling bitter about any form of art that I may see, read about or even people that create art and discuss their work – I stop and I breathe, I ensure that I am not tensing my physical body and experiencing that bolt of energy within me wanting to ‘let them know the truth about their creation’ which is in fact nothing else but me wanting to ‘express’ through reaction, as if I had ‘the truth’ within myself and so within this actually becoming nothing more than an ego that wants to be recognized for ‘my new position’ which is not really supportive but only a packet of resentment, judgments and overall bitterness toward that which I once praised.

I realize that this all comes from how much the entirety of ‘my world’ and ‘myself’ that I deemed as ‘real’ and ‘genuine’ were in fact not, so this whole relationship with art I remember very well was the first initial ‘big hit’ that I took when understanding who we are as the mind, as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system and that the thing I feared losing the most was the personality I had created through/as art and having chosen that path for myself, which is why that initial big fear of loss about this self-definition had such a ‘big impact’ in the aftermath, wherein I allowed myself to not be entirely self-directive toward art but instead then create the opposite polarity and so still participating within the mind. And this came through even though I believed I was ‘well over with it,’ only to test out not long ago that there were still reactions coming through the more ‘artistic’ documentaries I would watch and wanting to ignore the reactions to it until I simply believed that I had to ‘speak my mind’ about it – and yes, it was ‘my mind’ and a till here no further to when and as I see myself questioning or asking another about their creation from the starting point of the ‘bitter drop-out of an artist’ that I became in my mind, and so stop defining myself based on the choices of the past and focus on communicating or creating a dialogue based on what we can learn from it, what can be useful to understand our human condition or even innovate and take points to be creative in the ways that I can support myself and others through this process while using art as a supportive tool for it, without endowing it the entire ‘duty’ of ‘changing the world’ in itself, which as I’ve previously discussed, it’s impossible.

When and as I see myself wanting to create an experience of spite or disdain and bitterness toward ‘art’ and seeing it as useless or pointless while at the same time being curious about it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that both the negative and positive experiences are only re-creations of the ‘who I was’ in the past as an art-lover and then the who I became as the anti-thesis of that which was pretty much being very critical toward art within a negative context, and so I simply stop, breathe and observe/interact with it without creating any experience but rather seeing it objectively for what it is. And this is the challenge really because I had cult-ivated the experiences attached to works of art and becoming emotional about it, which I also learned from books at the same time. So I realize that all of my emotions and feelings are in fact nothing else but knowledge and information that I’ve translated into energetic experiences that serve no purpose for me to interact with something or someone.

 

I commit myself to be able to be here as breath while witnessing performances, watching/visiting museums or art galleries and also to remain here as breath when getting too excited about seeing something because that’s also once again recreating the same pattern of the visual vicious – which I’ve talked about extensively of – and so realize it’s just images, it’s just pictures, it’s just a part of reality and the only way I can ‘react’ to something is if I ‘load’ all my past-definitions in order to react based on memories and the knowledge that I had built around art and the ‘who I am’ toward art. So I can practically simply stop those past definitions and focus on reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read about the Stendhal syndrome in some book and consider that I would get this kind of experiences such as seeing ‘the sublime’ and mostly images that would depict the end of the world, which is why I focused myself so much on depicting the end of the world and getting a kick out of it, and believe that these emotions were ‘normal’ to me and that I had all the right to ‘express them’ but, the reality is that it was all a self-created experience and that there was no ‘magic’ or ‘real connection’ to painting or anything like that which I believed was something ‘special’ within me. Therefore I realize that these experiences were pretty much all created within my desperate need to ‘feel something’ because I had deemed the ability to ‘feel’ as in becoming emotional as special, as sensitive, as ‘unique’ in a human being – and so I created my own web of experiences according to how I would see others would feel and so mimic it, read books that were very emotional and then going determining what I would find as ‘emotional’ and what I would like to experience and so integrate as part of the ‘who I was’ as the characters that I read about and that I eventually wanted to create for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to made of past relationships as something conflictive and filled with ‘turmoil’ inside my mind as I realize that this was also part of the definition of who I wanted to be as a very sensitive person in order to be able to have stories to tell or talk about, as I believed that I had to suffer to make any real art. Therefore, I realize that any experience I created toward something or someone wasn’t part of reality as such, but entirely self created in my mind. Within this, I realize that also in my relationships the experiences I created about others were never ‘real’ as such, but only the plethora of experiences and definitions I created upon them – that’s why once the energy ran dry and seeing the individuals or situations that I was in within my life with sober eyes and frame of mind, the ‘truth’ of myself and the interactions with others/something came through as it is.

 

So a way to redefine a relationship it is to first of all no longer define tit through/as an emotion or feeling, something that we believe is ‘real’ in the mind based on memories, ideas, beliefs, past experiences that we then make real as our preference, as that which ‘we want,’ without taking physical reality into consideration.

Therefore an emotional relationship will always end up as a ‘fuck-up’ if it is not aligned to physical reality wherein I can stand as an individual that first of all ponders what it is that I sought in my relationship with something/someone that I believed I didn’t have myself, alone – and so realize that whichever I was expecting to get from ‘art’ or someone in my life were and had been all points of separation, illusions that I believed were unable to be experienced within me. So this is how the best way to create a relationship with someone or something is to ensure that it is seen through the eyes of physical reality, where no emotions, feelings, no past experiences, no ideals, wants, needs or desires become a decisive factor in terms of defining who I am toward others, as all I have to consider is myself and within doing that I can then interact with something/someone based on the principles that I can integrate within myself, as the relationship that I want to establish for myself so that no matter what I do, where I am, with who or alone, I remain stable, supporting myself, getting to know about others in the relationships formed with my reality, recognizing myself as one and equal with them, instead of seeing them as points to ‘fulfill me’ or things/experiences that I believed I lacked.

I realize that it’s been supportive to revisit this aspect of ‘my relationship to art’ to review my state of affairs in relation to other relationships based on emotions in the past, and so to focus on preventing further ‘fuckups’ as the ups and downs and polarity relationships of ‘love and hate’ as that is all of the mind –  instead there are more physical aspects and perspectives to consider here as well.

Life on Earth in itself is built through relationships, so I cannot define relationships only as personal relationships with something or someone, but rather realize that we are all made of and constantly require and exist as relationships that define the way we live in our world – therefore the more we are able to act, participate and be part of these relationships in a physical and common sensical manner without being driven by desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies and illusions, the more we will be able to begin changing the focus of our reality – from the distraction that emotional relationships are to a rather physical process of aligning ourselves to that which enables our coexistence in the best possible manner – no feelings/emotions required for that, no special relationships but rather the equalization and realization of who I am as this interdependence

 

to be continued…

Mechanical Heart 06

 

To learn more about how to establish proper Relationships suggest the Re-defining Relationships – Agreement Course  as well as:


380. Conditioned by Memories

to react with emotions upon receiving bad news.

Dreams are a cool place where we can still face points that might not be in our reality any longer, but that we can still test out ‘where we stand’ in relation to certain people, situations, events and so this is also within the understanding that no matter in which conditions we create the situation – either real life or dreams or else – process remains the same in one’s application, essentially in all dimensions of self.

Last night I had a dream about someone – one of the few people – I had come to consider as a ‘friend’ in high school who has been the one person I’ve met with after all these years and grew ‘fond’ of for the time we were together in school, and certainly in my mind he has remained as the ‘only one person I could care about of all those people’ as a point of separation.

In my dream, he would tell me that he had cancer and was extremely sad and the moment that he hugged me, IN MY MIND in the dream is as if I was THINKING that I should feel sad about it, that I should ‘show some emotion’ on it, that I could maybe go to the past, and bring up the nice experiences I used to have with him and so place them into context to this moment of him telling me these ‘bad news’ and now feel bad/sad about it, but it was very interesting how there was nothing, zero experience within me other than the belief that maybe I should become sad so that he knows ‘I care’ but really, that’s essentially what we have been conditioned to think.

In my dream it was very interesting how at the mind/intention level there was still this inkling of idea that ‘I must show emotion to let him know I care’ but physically I could not experience anything in the dream, nothing else but the physical embrace and being with the person that moment, even if he was decidedly sad and in tears about it.

DSC08348

 

So, why do I share this? Because since the beginning of my process, one of the first points I complained about ‘having to stop my mind’ as I had understood it at the beginning, was “Well, what the hell am I going to become without my emotions and feelings, a Robot!?? Is that what you want me to be!!??” and I was quite well under a storm in my own glass of water about it, only later realizing that such tantrum was actually performed by me as the mind, and not me as the point of self-awareness that realizes that: we are not our emotions and feelings, we are physical beings and as such, we direct ourselves in practicality and common sense.

One would then say “Well, so if you don’t become sad or show emotion to demonstrate you ‘care’ about someone, how do you do it?’ – And so I realized in the dream that the point of stability, who I was in that moment of getting the news and seeing the person cry, be the point of stability, being there as breath as there is nothing else I was able to do – my tears or emotion would do nothing to fix the problem and so, it is the same when any other circumstances come our way where we cannot physically do anything to fix/solve the problem, the most we can do is stand as the breathing pillar of support, being there for the person/being in distress whenever one can, and support with anything we are able to support with in self-honesty: meaning not trying to ‘save’ the person, but understanding also the ‘greater picture’ of how consequences manifest.

So, I found it fascinating how the ghostly mind whispers would be like a sensation of ‘I require to become emotional, I need to FEEL something right now, come on!’ lol, almost like if I didn’t feel anything then I would be a ‘dead’ person or ‘bad’ and kind of try and create the emotion in the moment out of memories and so forth… but it didn’t work, so I simply embraced the physicality of being here, with the person, breathing and not having to feel or become emotional about it, but only reiterate my support with anything I could contribute with.

 

However, I do see there’s more to it within questioning why the hell was it that one person in my world that I dreamed of, what was the particular relationship set up? How did he become ‘special’ in terms of my past and relationships? And that’s what I’ll begin looking at here:

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the idea of who A is as ‘someone special from school’ which has caused me to then in the dream bring up the idea of himself as this ‘special person getting sick’ so that in my mind, I could have a ‘reason’ to become sad because apparently ‘he’s a special person to me,’ without realizing that in keeping him as a memory of all the ‘good times’ and the ability to communicate that we had, I had created a ‘good/positive’ experience toward him, as someone that I ‘specially care for’ and in this, still existing as the perception that I created over time about him, which separates him from the rest of the people and myself as being one and equal, because in equality, there can be no special bonds, or special friendships or relationships that we ponder above others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at some level in my dream, attempt to lure myself into ‘becoming emotional’ because that’s what apparently he deserved after having been a ‘special person/friend’ in my life, and so believing that ‘I should demonstrate my ‘care’ for him by becoming sad or cry and be emotional about his condition,’ without realizing that it is precisely this type of self-manipulation wherein we give into the mind just because of accepting the conditioning of ‘how we have to behave when we get ‘bad news’ or when something ‘bad’/unfortunate happens to another, without realizing that this is the same form of trap that we create in terms of relationships, and caring MORE for one individual or a few individuals than the rest of the world.

I see and realize that if I was to become sad about ‘bad things happening to others’, I would be sad all day long since this world is nothing but a consequential chain reaction of unfortunate events, and manifested consequences that lead to suffering and pain, and nothing will change unless we first understand how we create our own sickness, our own misfortune, how we contribute to the pain and abuse in this world by us precisely giving into the mind, which does Nothing to solve the problem but further compound the problem, since in the mind, working with energy: there is no solution at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the dream want to ‘reason’ his cancer sickness trying to grab memories of ‘who he is’ and how I had believed him to be very ‘conceited’ at first and how i had in fact gone form hate to ‘love’ with this person, and how I tried to ‘make sense’ of his sickness due to the manifested consequences of the time when I had defined that he was an ‘a-hole.’

I realize that what I created in my dream was exactly what I have been witnessing around me when it comes to seeing people with certain power or certain air of grandeur being humbled by loss, suffering, pain, sickness and so forth and so in my dream reasoning that this is why he had ‘cancer’ and trying to ‘make sense’ of the problem by all the judgments that I in fact created toward him at the very beginning of getting to know him, which later on turned into the exact opposite and so, in the dream I am being shown how I had created the pattern of ‘from hate to love’ toward another, love as the appreciation of someone, of ‘specialness’ and ‘care’ without realizing that it had been a mechanism of the mind to be able to actually ‘cope’ with the person and be better as ‘friends’ than ‘enemies’ lol, which is kind of interesting then, because I realize that I had also many times wished him to ‘go f… himself’ and so when seeing that point of vulnerability and seeing that he was no longer the ‘almighty person’ I had perceived him to be, that he was ‘at last’ being ‘grounded by consequence,’ without realizing that I created and generated all of this situation in the mind to realize that the ‘hold’ that I had kept toward this particular person is existent because I wanted to hold on to this ‘special relationship’ that we had as friends and colleagues mostly, and so giving it value within ‘who I am’ and ‘what I came to be for him and what he came to be for me’ as this ‘great lesson’ of how we could talk through our initial rivalry and antagonism and get to be ‘good friends.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to these ideas, perceptions, memories of people in my past as something ‘great’ and holding on to the positivity of it, because of believing that I/we had done a ‘great job’ to ‘teach others how to go from hate to love/appreciation’ which I see that it remained as this ‘special relationship’ due to the actual struggle that it represented at first with him, in this

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge A extensively at the very beginning of knowing him for the amount of money that he had, considering him as arrogant and an asshole all the way, which is why within this judgment I would usually confront him and deliberately want to ‘prove him wrong’ which would lead us to this ‘enemy relationship’ that later on due to my own deliberate explanation to our teachers how ‘I could not stand him,’ lol, he remained in the same class as I did for the rest of the 3 years of high school, which is funny and I’m grateful how teachers asked me about this point because I had difficulty relating myself to people, and so they knew that this guy ‘A’ was one of the main problems and so, they deliberately kept us in the same class, until we started becoming ‘friends’ once that we were able to communicate about topics that others would not usually engage in.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘good experience’ while ‘remembering the time when I became friends with A’ because in the mind it was the turnover from the absolute ‘hate’ or disdain that I had formed toward him, to the positive as the ‘nice experience’ it became to be friends with him and to have someone to talk to about stuff I ‘cared’ for, and so, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a ‘good memory’ with ‘positive experiences’ about the relationships I’ve formed with people that I considered as a ‘challenge,’ without realizing that such ‘challenge’ implies that i had first seen the person within the scope of ‘negative experience toward them’ which is how I created them as a ‘challenge to deal with’ and so when being able to establish a relationship with them, they stopped being ‘a challenge’ and instead became the normalcy of ‘good experience’ toward him for ‘having achieved the ‘good from the bad’ – all the polarity design implied at a mind-energetic level of having first defined ‘A’ as a ‘bad person’ as a negative point in my reality, and then turning that ‘negative point’ into a positive point, which later on became like a ‘trophy’ that I would want to hold on to, as in having ‘conquered’ that ‘a-hole’ and turned him into a ‘better person’ which is quite the pattern I have repeated throughout my life in terms of my relationships – in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the memories of how I perceive and believe that ‘I changed people to become a better person’ not realizing that all that I did, was changing the ‘charge’ that I had judged them initially with – which in all cases remains a judgment, an assessment in the mind – and so in fact I did Not change the individual, they did it for themselves, and it’s up to each individual to then assess the starting point of their change.

I realize that in interactions and relationships, I would tend to want to always ‘change’ the person and want them to become ‘better’ within what I had defined as ‘better’ and so believing that ‘I had something to do with their change of behavior from ‘bad/negative person’ to ‘good person’ which is only the idea and belief that I have wanted to hold on to within myself to create the idea that ‘I was a positive influence in the lives of others.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to and believe that ‘I have been a positive influence in the lives of others’ and make myself be the ‘good person’ of the tale that ‘changes lives’ without realizing that this is merely then who I have been in terms of ego wanting to change people, want them to become a ‘better person’ but for this point of self-interest when it comes to getting ‘challenges’ or ‘difficult people to deal with’ in order to prove that ‘I can get around anything or anyone’ and believe I have this ‘ability’ or ‘skill’ to make things change, not realizing that at that point in the past, it was me also changing myself, wanting to fit into those relationships, changing my behavior to ‘be around’ those people for the ‘convenience’ I believed they represented, and so created and remained with this idea of ‘fondness’ toward others, without realizing how I had come to create such ‘specialness’ over such individual in the first place, and so understand why it was that particular person coming with the sickness in the dream.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever add credit or value to myself for having been able to ‘deal with – who I perceived – were ‘difficult people’ and getting them to ‘get along with me’ for the sake of proving that ‘I could deal with them and change them’ without realizing that I in fact cannot change anyone, I cannot directly prove that I have influenced anyone, nor do I have to prove such things as only who I am as ego would want to gauge the ‘results’ to see whether I was able to ‘change someone’ or not, and that’s obviously not the point of our relationships or interactions in terms of ‘change.’

I realize that I can only stand as an example of support, of stability, of realizations that I have come through my own process of self-change and in this, I realize that wanting to hold on to this idea of ‘having changed others’ and then creating this special bond with them due to ‘having seen them change from negative to positive’ is nothing else but a trait in the mind to remain in separation from the person themselves, and realizing that in terms of the dream, the positive feeling that i wanted to initially create toward him was not real as it always had been created in the mind as the result of the hate-to-love relationship we created, wherein now in the mind when seeing such ‘special person’ being sick, I was ‘supposed to feel bad’ but only based on ‘uploading’ all of the past and memories with him as ‘positive’ to then have a reason to ‘feel bad/sad’ about his situation based on my own reaction to my own memories.

 

Self Commitments:

So, I commit myself to remain in stability and breath at all times and not ‘give head’ to the whispers in the mind about ‘me having to become emotional’ about a situation in order to ‘show I care,’ as I realize that this is how we trap each other in special bonds and feelings, and memories, and patterns based on memories of the past, of who the person was, who we were to them and so cage each other in the same patterns again.

I commit myself to remain standing in stability no matter how I may have even the slightest doubt in terms of my stability and believe that ‘I should show some emotion’ because I realize that emotions is not who I decide to be in such moments, but instead remain physically, breathing in stability, grounded and directive, so as to also be able to be the example of how remaining in stability is the best point of support instead of giving into emotions that lead to no solution.

I commit myself to view A as any other person and let go of this ‘special relationship’ which involves the whole pattern of ‘hate-to-love’ and me apparently having influenced who I had defined as a ‘difficult person’ to change, without realizing that this is only assumptions that I made myself believe in to feel ‘good’ about it all and cherish this relationship as special.

Now in this, it doesn’t mean that I have to now completely ‘forget’ about the person or whatnot, but simply be very aware of how I ‘remember’ them, whether any reactions come up when having the thought of him in my mind as this will be supportive to then see what else comes up, and why I have held such ‘special niche’ to him in my mind, separated from everyone else – which I now see is mostly due to this from hate-to-love relationship that I gave ‘value’ to, due to the ‘challenge’ it represented in my mind.

I commit myself to let go of all the judgments I have held toward A based on his past, our relationship and who I believe him to be, and in this realize that I can only trust the physical, the actions lived and the moment that is here whenever we get to meet again

I commit myself to no longer feel the ‘need’ to ‘act out some emotions’ according to defining people as ‘special’ in my world and as such creating ‘feelings’ about them because of them being considered as ‘special’ which I realize is not at all who they really are, as who we are is one and equal and so, we stand as one and equal breathing, directive, stable – since only emotions and feelings emerge when we act based on memories.

 

I trust myself in and as physical stability at all times, as I realize that becoming emotional is of the mind and so, I commit myself to being here,  breathing and self directive at all times – no special strings attached.

 

Unplugged

 

To stop being a past-based memory robot and live here:

 

Interview on Dreams:

The Meanings in Dreams – Life Review

 

Today’s the 6th anniversary of having found Desteni and as such, of the beginning of changing my life for the best, for all.

Desteni Process – New World – 30/January/2008

 

Join us!


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 14,180 other followers

%d bloggers like this: