Tag Archives: relationships

434. Hissy-Fit: Trance-Ending it.

 

Yesterday I noticed an interesting pattern that I had probably not seen with as much detail as before, simply because there has been a tendency to allow the kind of ‘short fuse’ situations to become a normalcy, especially when walking in the city.

So the story goes this way: it rained a lot the past days and puddles were around many places. I was walking with my partner in the middle of crossing one big avenue when I saw that the lights were red and so, it was time to cross in a short period of time – this city is not designed for pedestrians to begin with – which prompted me to give a bit of a jump and cross. I did not communicate this to him, which caused him to give a sudden jump into one area where there was a large puddle of watery mud. This simple event led me into an immediate experience of being pissed off or irritated, seeing it as ‘stupid’ that such thing could have happened. I started saying out loud to him ‘Didn’t you see where you were stepping? I’ve told you before to watch your step in these fucked up sidewalks!’ because that’s a reality, there’s no smooth ‘walk’ in the city that you can just go walking looking straight ahead of you, because not many places are even/ properly built and/or with wires sticking out, holes, etc.  Even though we were not in a hurry, I noticed that I got flustered about it. Here it is to see that even before asking if he was alright or if he had twisted his ankle or something, to me it was like immediately pointing out what he should have done or how ‘foolish’ the situation was, in a way implying that ‘this should not be happening to us right now.’

As we kept walking, he would stopped twice to clean the shoes and his sock, so at some point I said to him we should instead just sit in a place so that he can properly, clean the shoe, check his foot etc. But my tonality was of course already coming with this harshness, to which he asked if I was pissed, and laughing a bit out of it. It’s great because he usually just don’t follow with my every now and then bursts of whatever fit I tend to create, he just points it out and that moment I realized what I was doing. I reminded me of what I had written just hours before and applied precisely the point that I had written on not being hard on others, to be considerate, to be humble, to be patient.

So I ‘stepped down of my fit’ and said ‘ geez, yes, I got pissed but there’s no reason for it! Why am I even pissed! I should instead first ask if you are ok, if your foot is ok.’ So, it took a simple moment to question this sudden hissy fit, to then immediately see ‘wait, what am I pissed off about? This doesn’t even make sense!’ So, again, I apologized and then as we kept walking I was able to see the whole point being mostly a pattern I’ve seen or witnessed in my father. Whenever my mother would do something ‘less than perfect’ especially while traveling, moving or being out and about, he would point it out to her with certain anger/annoyance, almost in a way wanting her to know that ‘she’d fucked up,’ in a way it is like scolding. Actually now I remember that my partner pointed out exactly the point that made me see this precise pattern, something around the lines of ‘What is it? You cannot tolerate that which messes up your status-quo, is it unacceptable?’ And so I was able to see that, yes, anything that ruins this ‘perfected idea’ of what our walk in that moment was going to be got ‘screwed up.’

So, I completely stepped down of the experience as I saw how abusive it was. Is this at all something acceptable? Absolutely not, I could even get embarrassed from admitting I can get flustered about things like this; though this emerged, lasted some ten minutes because through communicating and doing my own ‘introspection’ in the moment, I was able to see the reason for it, the ‘learned behavior’ and this ‘perfectionism’ that makes me cringe every time something unexpected happens.

Then after some minutes I explained this point to my partner, how I need to be flexible when things don’t go as expected and how there is no reason to get pissed at it and instead focus on practical matters – like checking he’s physically doing alright. One supportive thing is that he doesn’t hold a grudge for it or changes the way he addresses me for it, we have learned throughout the various months of living together to not hold on to a moment of reactions, but to rather speak through it, get to an understanding, and a future consideration to prevent further moments like this.

From my perspective this kind of behavior is more of a physical and automated response that contains almost no thoughts, just sudden ‘pissed-offness’ that I wasn’t able to pin point at first when only remaining in an experience. It was through communication and then doing some further ‘inner-research’ that I was able to understand it. Yet what is most important is the ability to let go of the experience in the moment, to relax the body, to ensure all is clear in relation to the situation and keep on with the day, not holding onto it at all, but understanding the reaction and ensuring one gets to establish principles, words and corrections for any other ‘occasion’ this or any other similar point could show up.

I also see the benefit of voicing the words, the considerations for any other time or moment where something ‘unexpected’ happens, this means sharing with whomever you are so that we hold ourselves to our word with others that are close to us as well, and create an all-around learning process from it, instead of allowing it to ‘ruin’ a moment for a petty situation.

 

Not breathing

 

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Life Review – Short Fused Temper Tantrums

 

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433. Humbleness and Consideration

 

I want to share about a process of living certain words to correct certain traits like being demanding/exigent, controlling, bossy and authoritarian, imposing my views/my ways onto others in an almost dictatorial way. I had not become aware of this until I started walking a relationship with a person that particularly reacts and/or noticeably dislikes any form of authoritarianism or clear-cut black or white impositions in a way of ‘do-as-I-say-so.’ Therefore of course, upon the clashes in this regard, I was able to see how much I tend to create an expectation of ‘how things should be/ how people should act’ and if this does not ‘match’ my ideal, then I get irritated at it.

Now, the first thing I had to do in order to recognize this is when seeing that I was the only one making a big deal out of a situation – which means reacting in my mind –  and that I had been the only one that assumed/created an ideal expectation of how something would have to be done/acted upon. When talking out this particular clash of me reacting to something being ‘short of my expectation,’ I realized how I had not at all considered the other person, their life, their background, the process they’ve walked in their life and so, in my own head I assumed that he would act/do things in a certain way in a particular environment. So here, upon realizing this as I walked the point with him, I had to ‘eat humble pie’ and walk a moment of stopping ‘making my point’ as in wanting to hold on to righteousness, and instead step down from my ‘horse’ to change my stance toward the situation into one of humbleness and consideration. 

I realized how much I put pressure upon another based on my sudden reaction to an expectation that I had in no way shared or communicated to the other person, nor had I realized it wasn’t a common sensical expectation but it was all built within me according to my mind/my views/ my ways. When listening how the other person lived that same situation in their mind, I realized that my own consideration, my own expectations were nowhere to be seen in that mindset, because they were not  entirely common sensical considerations, but more of an exigency that I’ve learned through ‘familiar tradition’ in this case, which my partner had no idea or reference of.

So, first thing that I suggest to anyone facing a similar situation is to immediately shift from righteousness and believing that ‘my way or the highway’ is the right stance, into practically live humbleness and consideration. This is a directive move to rather hear what the other person has to say, not react in any way to their words but understand where they are coming from, consider their living context, the past experiences that influence them, the lack of awareness or reference of other certain aspects that I did not make a point to share beforehand. I realized how specific I had to be now in order to ensure that I am not the only one having a ‘clear idea’ about something, but that I share about it, cross reference if he is ok with it and if not to work out through the points until we both understand each other and agree to a certain outcome or resolution. In this of course, there is also the process of doing the same on his side too, recognizing what can be improved, considered, practiced, applied in spite of resistances or challenges to do so, considering it is usually something he hasn’t ever lived or applied. So it takes two to tango in this for sure and it’s been rather cool to seeing him do the same as I have described above at times, realizing there’s no need to shout to make a point – this only makes things worse – but speak calmly, as clear as possible and with the firm intent to assist each other to see and understand something.

When deciding to live humbleness in this regard, I realized how many times not only now but in the past I have only considered ‘me’ in my expectations and assuming that everyone else ‘should be on the same level’ as in understanding/seeing the same I do, especially when being in a close relationship. I’ve thus now been continually learning to be more considerate of another’s mind, process, life experiences, patterns when interacting with them, and so realized how much I make a fuss about things in a demanding way, like being very exigent of ‘how this should have been done’ or ‘how you should have acted with x people’ – when in fact, these were all my expectations, my particular ‘quirks’ that I had not even questioned within myself before. So, in a way it was also important to ask forgiveness because I understood how much pressure this also created in the other person upon essentially demanding them to be/do something that they had no idea or reference of.  This also clarified a lot the previous stance where I took a ‘haughty’ position of having been wronged, when it was essentially the other way around in a misunderstanding or lack of communication situation.

I realize how I have this same tendency in many other aspects in my interactions with others, wherein I see something that could be done differently, that I need to ‘let others know’ of in a way to correct them, to show them ‘why they are wrong’ about something. But this is mostly a stance that would come through in an imperative manner, which implies having a starting point and stance of knowing better, being superior or having this idea that others are not capable of doing or handling something. This is all of course only ego and superiority traits that don’t assist others at all, because one gives feedback almost in a complaint-manner, offering no solutions, nor considering the impact it makes on others to come across in a very bossy manner.  

So for example today when recalling this point with my partner, he explained how sometimes I can bring up some facts about certain things he cannot do, and turn it into a sort of amazement in a way of saying ‘how is it possible that you still cannot do it!’ considering that to me it is a simple thing, a natural thing and so expecting that ‘it should be simple for others to do so as well.’ Well, I have to realize it is not. So he suggested I instead assist in that moment to verbalize points of reference so that he also pushes himself to be more aware of the point, to practice memorizing certain things, and so be more ‘here’ and aware of surroundings. I realized how much my remarks – even if my intent is not of ridicule – can be perceived as such, because I am not supporting another, but only pointing out in a sense of ‘amazement’ how something is not yet part of his natural abilities. This is a lack of consideration and so, what I will do from now on is watch myself to not make these unnecessary remarks, but instead turn it immediately into a feedback process where I usually then ask questions to see what is lacking, where is a misunderstanding, how can I assist and identify the ‘weak link’ in the process. All of this done of course in a very humble manner, with the sole starting point of wanting to assist another to develop themselves, not having a high-pitched demanding voice or a tonality of desperation, irritation or plain annoyance, that will get one nowhere in this life when talking to another.

I also just now see that gentleness is the word that also is then lived when moderating one’s voice and pace of words when walking through a misunderstanding, where usually if one fires up, the other one follows. It is definitely cool to apply then this humbleness, consideration and gentleness when communicating to clear up a situation and in essence, be more creative when considering solutions all the time, instead of rehashing the problem in an attempt to blame or keep one’s ‘pride’ untouched. It is mostly lame and even difficult when trying to ‘save face’ as some say and keeping one in this mode of ‘I am right and you are wrong’ it truly leads nowhere but further problems.

Now I enjoy actually the process of recognizing: yes, I realize I fucked up in that moment, sorry about not considering you in this – from now on I will ask you, reference it and ensure I communicate all details so that we both are on the same page on this. I will also share what I see you can also consider to apply, yet not forcing it upon you, you decide how you apply the principles in that moment and what you are comfortable doing.

It really takes nothing but humbleness to do this, and patience as well considering how many times things can repeat, to not get flustered about it, but to apply that consideration, patience and humbleness as many times as it is needed.

Today it was actually great to get feedback on some points he sees that he’s bettered himself at, and the points he still struggles with, which I realized the best support also exists by sharing my own examples of what I’ve walked, and when I haven’t lived something he’s dealing with, I share examples of other people I have worked with/walked with in similar patterns and how they have come to trance-end /transcend certain points in their lives. This is the kind of living examples or ‘living feedback’ that is of most value, to show how change is possible and so be willing to take the time to walk with the person in such assistance, to take them by the hand with care, consideration and humbleness into becoming something that they haven’t yet seen themselves being capable of being or becoming.

Through doing this, I’ve also then been able to be more aware of my tendencies to control, to impose, to be authoritarian and generally bossy. I’ve been learning a lot and I’m grateful for being able to change it in real time and live the difference this makes, how else would I have been able to spot these aspects that exist in me?

Thanks for reading.

 

Don't Be Hard on Yourself

 

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429. What Relationships Can Be In This World

I just remembered how when I was growing up and going through school, I saw the disparity that existed between people. I used to be the one that would always get it ‘all right’ and it truly saddened me to see that others could see themselves as not being able to do something, getting sad and nervous because of not being able to achieve something or perform in something, or perceiving themselves as not good enough or simply truly weren’t able to create a certain outcome for themselves: a project, an exam, a task, understanding some kind of exercise in any subject. In this, within reflecting about what we truly need to create in this world, common sense dictates that it is definitely not a series of relationships based on competition, comparison, wanting to be ‘on top of others’ or deliberately sabotage others in order to perceive oneself to be ‘winning’ – and the same goes for the opposite side where we deliberately sabotage ourselves, set ourselves to lose and become plainly apathetic, angry or depressed about virtually everything, not wanting to live –  instead, I consider that creating relationships of mutual support  is what is needed in our world.

I read the other day someone’s post where they pointed out how there is a ‘life coach for almost everything nowadays,’ which is so in an era where anything can be turned into a business – yes, virtually anything – and so the person concluded  that each one should instead be their own life coach. I wholeheartedly agree on the latter since the whole problem in this world is that we have become blind by our consent and led to the slaughterhouse with tricks and gimmicks that we wholly bought into, because we didn’t know any other form of self-respect – we can forgive ourselves for that… But, the point of applying any form of self-support and self-improvement is to eventually get to a point where one does not depend on any other person to get to see the common sense in any situation, to get to learn to trust oneself, to learn to make decisions, to face the mistakes and consequences, essentially to learn how to live, how to motivate oneself without expecting the carrot on the stick the next moment and reach one’s utmost potential within the consideration and foundation of what is best for all – whichever this potential/expression may be for each person in their lifetime.  

However, throughout these years I learned that we are unfortunately not born with an intrinsic set of abilities, considerations and realizations to become this self-improved version of oneself from the get-go. I wish it was like that, that we had common sensical parents, education systems, families, media, politicians, entertainment and the whole rest of things and people that we are influenced by and consume throughout our lifetime, having little to no reference of how things could be ‘better.’ And if it was so that one we didn’t need  to learn or support ourselves from others, it would be obvious by now: we would not have the mess of the world we have now, let me fine tune that: the mess of the people we have become in this world.

So, I then reflected on myself. Sure, I had some ‘qualities’ that people in the system would have regarded as ‘remarkable’ but none of it was of factual substance, it didn’t benefit anything or anyone but a ‘mark’ on myself and my ego. Any personal success sure felt ‘good’ but at the same time it felt completely contrived, my life was not satisfying even if ‘I had a good life.’ So what was really missing? Well every time I looked around and saw that this reality of ‘success in all’ didn’t exist to everyone, available for everyone, I would get depressed and sad because come on! who the hell can enjoy the sight of misery? No one in their common 5 senses. 

When I started walking this process 8 years ago now, I realized that the much hoped for ‘change in the world’ that I expected to be created or emerge by the hand of some ‘god’ or ‘force of nature’ out there, had to be in fact started by myself, by supporting me and allowing myself to actually be supported by others that were doing the same for themselves. This is in fact the greatest gift I was able to give to myself when it was made available as such – as it is currently now for everyone that wants to support themselves as well – unconditionally, with no second agendas other than applying the principle of what it means to be ‘one and equal’ in fact, of understanding the necessity we all have to stand up, assist ourselves to become the best versions we can be of ourselves and so, change the world.

Would I have been able to immediately, without any help/support, be able to ‘stand up’ within myself and now stand as support for others too?  Absolutely and honestly, no. I was too emotional to have been able to see past those experiences and discover my inner strength, to realize what I was in fact able and capable of being in my life, which has been possible throughout this process which does involve having other people being there for you to assist us, to suggest directions, to remind ourselves of what we may already be aware of at some level but haven’t been paying enough attention to realize that we do have a potential to be this best version we can of ourselves, we just have covered it up with fears, beliefs, judgments, opinions, ideas, distorted and often disrespectful imaginations of ourselves. This is where I realized that I in fact needed that helping hand, and how grateful I am for it because I would not be who I am now If I hadn’t made the decision to walk this process, to actually join a group of self-support and let go of all of my fears or ideas that I had related to ‘being part of a group of self-support’ no matter how hard it was to let go of my idea that ‘I could do it by myself’ too, which I’ve realized is mostly ego at times when I know and have from time to time reference how supportive it always is to have another pair of eyes and ears to reference one’s choices and decisions in life.

What I understood from the first day I decided to in essence walk this process and change my life, is that I wanted to be able to assist in this process of ‘changing the world’ by changing ourselves. I wanted to be part of the team of people that could in the same way that I was being assisted to stand up for once and for all, also assist others in doing the same in their lives. Today me and the same group of people that have walked this process for over 8 years together, were reflecting about how satisfying it is to actually assist oneself and assist others to become ‘the better version of themselves they can be’ or ‘to reach their utmost potential,’ in essence, to become part of that change that we so dearly want to create in this world.

I can honestly say that I had not realized how I am in fact doing what I have been seeking to do since I was a very little girl. I tried helping people with studying and learning stuff, since that’s what I was programmed to be ‘good at’ I guess, but that’s not really something entirely useful for the rest of our lives. Assisting another to actually develop their inherent abilities and qualities to live life to the best of each one’s ability and become an extra-ordinary person is definitely something that is in all sense of the word, priceless and fully satisfying.

So, I mentioned how it would be awesome if we all had relationships in this world that were as supportive as the ones that we have between ourselves as a group of self-support. And the reality is that: we can! We only have to make the decision to do so, all that it takes is first doing this for ourselves, to be humble enough to realize: yes, I require some support, I can benefit from some assistance in learning how to support myself, to direct myself to eventually be trusting myself to not only keep doing this for me, but also extend this support to others. I also understand that some people can have the capacity, skills and general discipline it takes to do this for yourself, to be your own ‘life coach’ if you will: my hats off to them if they truly consider they can do it by themselves… but I can only speak for my life and the situations where I had to be humble enough to realize: I needed some help because I was a bit lost at the time.  And! it is an ongoing process, because it’s a continuous feedback loop to learn from, to nurture ourselves from each other and from whichever each one lives in our day to day.

This is not just buying or paying for a service that you get as a form of therapy, this is not a one person you don’t know that gets to listen to you for hours. I as many others involved in supporting other individuals, in fact walk with one another side by side, as equals in the process  – we do this because we not only understand that everyone at some point in their lives need a hand, need some support, need some guidance, but also because we understand that if we have an ultimate view of this world being able to be something better than what it is now, we don’t have to go that far to try and ‘change the world’ as an unintelligible mess, but to rather take the first steps and start with ourselves, one by one. It is also because it is part of living the principles that I decided to align myself in this life: do onto others as you’d like to be done onto you. And in a more directive manner as it happened to me: do to others what others unconditionally have done in support of you and your life in this world. This is invaluable.

The relationships created with this group of people I work/communicate with are something that I would not change for the world. It is not just a one way ‘coach-trainee’ relationship, it is not a leader-follower relationship, it is beyond that. It is about human beings that decide to assist and support each other for an entire lifetime if needed until the person stands in self-trust and sufficient confidence so that they now can be a pillar of support and assistance to others that are equally willing to assist and support themselves. This is not a facilitator-receiver process only, this is one deciding to get involved with the person in a process where through communication, week after week, throughout years,  a real bond is created, an actual care for another is developed, ensuring that one is there as a point of reference when our compass seems to get a lost and continue to support in the development of all the qualities and skills that each person discovers they can bring forth or create as part of this self-creative path.

This is the process of weaving the relationships, the community, the network of people that are and will continue to change the way that we live in this world, and so change it in fact.  This is the real reward: not money, not recognition, not ‘feeling good’ only for a moment or positive highs, or relationships of monetary interest, not at all. This is the actual creative process for a person to realize who they really are and can be in this life not only for themselves, but for the common good of everyone and everything else, while developing relationships with people from around the world for a lifetime. That’s what real friendships and relationship should be about in my humble opinion.

I dare you to find this out for yourself.

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


424. The Importance of Resolve

 

Sometimes we embark ourselves in a decision to change something about ourselves, to stop a particular abusive pattern, to align an aspect of our behavior or to cut ties with particular relationships, however what tends to happen is that we’re not entirely successful with this endeavor if we are missing a key ingredient to make it work: resolution.

 

 

This came up as I was writing on a personal matter that has ‘haunted’ me in my dreams for a long time now in relation to a specific past relationship in my past,  and I have been throughout time applying self forgiveness on the various aspects that mostly come up in dreams and I have wondered: but why is this STILL coming up? Isn’t it sufficient to have walked on this point for over seven years whenever the same comes up? And so I was looking at the word that I was missing, a clue on what I wasn’t fully considering in this process applied to this particular past relationship and the word is Resolve – and as I was reading the definition of course it clicked: I require to have an unwavering, firm, absolute stand in relation to the actual closure of this point within me in my mind and the decision of who I decide to be toward this point in my reality.

What I realized is that I had probably written a lot about it and I understand the reasons why it comes up, but it’s funny that I made it a bit something ‘more than myself’ as if it was something ‘more powerful’ or ‘sticky’ in a way that made me still dream about the same point in various ways and perceive it as something that would take ‘forever’ to let go of  or give closure too, and even speculated on why this point is ‘so strong’ which is not recommended lol, well at least it brings up further points for self forgiveness on other ideas, beliefs, perceptions as the reasons we give ourselves to make the point ‘more than us.’ However, as I was reading the definition of resolution, it all clicked, the simplicity of the solution was in fact in the word resolution: I realized that I had in fact left some kind of ‘open back door’ in my mind wherein I could still in some unconscious way ‘leave a possibility open’ for me to still hold on/cherish these memories just for the ‘benefit of it’ due to the value that I had given to that relationship specifically when it comes to the starting point of such relationship and what I believe ‘it gave me’ which was related to in this case, a perception of getting ‘acceptance’ and ‘worth’ from another, which were words I hadn’t lived as myself then.

So, what am I really missing then here which is what I will now commit to live as myself around this point? Resolution, which is giving an actual closure, having the resolve means having the firm and unwavering  stand and decision to fully let go and fully stop participating in entertaining the memories around this point, which I have actually been working on these past months since I wrote the blog on: 416. Relationships: Not about the Taste, but the Nutrients – however I do recognize that specifically on this topic, there hasn’t been like an absolute, full resolution to stop all attempts of me in my mind going back again on the subject, which even shows up in dreams at times.  This will be then a process of being fully diligent with not entertaining the same point, not ‘feeding’ it even by associating places, things, colors to that same construct of that part of my past which I’ve defined as ‘haunting’ which of course is not that it is ‘haunting me’ but rather how I have entertained it/ fed it for far too long even if the actual relationship is no longer part of my life.

I have to stand in full resolve to do this, there is no ‘middle way’ here and in a way I’ve seen this as the ‘toughest’ point thus far because it seems to ‘still be there’ no matter how much I have written about it – but I do fully see that it will take absolute discipline to stop revamping memories and experiences for my ‘personal consumption’ in a literal manner.

 

 

resolve

  verb

1  settle or find a solution to. Medicine cause (a symptom or condition) to heal or disappear.

2  a firm decision. a formal expression of opinion or intention agreed on.

3  Music cause (a discord) to pass into a concord during the course of harmonic change.

4  (resolve something into) reduce a subject or statement by mental analysis into (separate elements or a more elementary form). chiefly Chemistry separate into constituent parts or components.

5  (of something seen at a distance) turn into a different form when seen more clearly. (of optical or photographic equipment) separate or distinguish between (closely adjacent objects). technical separately distinguish (peaks in a graph or spectrum).

6  Physics analyse (a force or velocity) into components acting in particular directions.

  noun

1  firm determination.

 

 

 

ORIGIN

          Middle English (in the senses ‘dissolve, disintegrate’ and ‘solve a problem’): from Latin resolvere, from re- (expressing intensive force) + solvere ‘loosen’.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apply ‘full resolve’ to some points in my life, but those toward which I had built a ‘sentimental attachment’ then believe that I can somehow ‘leave around’ in the back of my head as if they were really ‘a part of me,’ instead of realizing that it is in those points that I keep myself ‘locked’ into aspects of myself as ‘my past’ that have no space in my current reality other than in my mind – therefore, I see that the moment that I allow myself to go into one single moment of ‘acceptance and allowance’ and/or indulgence of memories, thoughts, experiences, links to that one point in my past as memories, I reactivate the whole construct once again. Thus,

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that this point was ‘more than myself’ because it had come up over and over again and even in dreams, not realizing that even if I was writing it all out, I recognize that I am not yet living this absolute resolve to change this one point specifically in ALL dimensions, including the obvious tendency to still ‘give into’ the memory in dreams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet be fully diligent and stand in equal resolution to who I am when awake in my dreams, because I have defined in an unconscious way dreams to be the ‘last memory bastion’ wherein I could still have ‘my enjoyment’ about things, people, experiences that are no longer here in my reality – thus I realize that I have to fully let go of this false ‘enjoyment’ in dreams and realize that every moment that I indulge even in dreams around the same point, I make it part of my reality again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still ‘indulge’ into memories and experiences around this particular point in my life through dreams and even more so to want to keep sleeping whenever this point emerges in my dreams, instead of realizing that it is because I haven’t fully made  a decision to not participate in anything that has to do with this one point that the dreams occur as the obvious reflection of my suppression around it, of the denial of myself still wanting to ‘keep’ this point in my mind and believing that ‘I got it all under control’… but this is not really about ‘control’ but being willing to absolutely stop participating in memories, links, thoughts, experiences, dreams and any sort of nostalgia of the past around this particular point.

I realize that it is not that the point has ‘kept me locked’ but that I have been the one giving all of this energy and resistance to it throughout a long time and because I haven’t been absolutely living the resolution to stop it, it’s been a recurrent dream, a recurrent point in my mind-reality which of course has nothing to do with who I am here in physical reality any longer.

 

I commit myself to fully stop all thoughts, all memories, all experiences, all yearnings around this point. This is it and I’ll be the one knowing how effective I am in this stance and resolution on this point, as I realize that I am the only one that creates the haunting , not ‘the point’ itself.

 

 

So it’s interesting that in order to give resolution to something, to ‘solve it’ is to actually loosen it, to let go of it with a firm and unwavering decision to actually do so, to live that decision in every moment that I see I slack on the same point and allow myself to ‘wander’ around it again. I realize that resolution is what I require to apply within me as an absolute stance of who I decide to be if I am already now witnessing what happens when I don’t have an absolute resolve around stopping something within me. Thus, it’s a matter of absolutely just doing it, living it – but not allow just ‘bits’ here and there as that one single ‘bit’ of indulgence reactivates the whole construct once again, I make it part of myself, of my moment here which has nothing to do with myself and my reality any longer – it’s just memories that I have given fuel and importance to, that I have fed with energy to continue defining me according to ‘my past’ which doesn’t make any sense at all because this process is not about ‘fixing my past’ but changing who I am in relation to it.

 

So hereby I establish how in order to resolve something that I haven’t been ‘solving’ in an effective manner, is to check my resolution on stopping/changing or aligning myself in relation to that particular point I want to change/stop and align in my life. So simple, yet as it is said: the devil is in the details.

 

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Watch:

Desteni Movie Night – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Read:

Day 56: Letting Go of an Old Flame

 

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418. Deschooling Ourselves: Why and How to Do it?

 

unlearn rethink

After watching Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves workshop video, I realized how important it is to be aware of how much of ‘who we become’ as a person in our society and in relation to others is shaped in and by the schooling system. To this, it would also be unfair to only look at school as the only one problem there is in our society, because schools were created by us human beings in the first place so there’s a human mind behind it all; albeit for all practical purposes, the idea of ‘education’ and the blind trust that parents confer to the schooling system makes of the schooling system set up the most easy way to actually justify integrating values, beliefs, behaviors, ways of thinking reality, ways of relating to others, ways of survival among one another where we are geared to continually having to prove ourselves to be ‘the best’ or ‘the worst’ in a system of standardized marks.

School is also the place where we come to first get in contact with people of different backgrounds, where our initial social clash begins which leads us to start inherently doing a process of preference over principle, which is how we come to build our very first friendships and relationships, where we as children do not  have a full awareness of us in fact being in a closed-system where one gets to be friends with people that could or could not afford some private/public school, and so already from there, we start classifying ourselves based on our socioeconomic background.

I have to say it is also unfortunately the place where parents place their most trust on within the systemically integrated belief that ‘whatever happens in school is just fine’ and that teachers and the government system behind it as education system ‘knows best’ – while parents mostly see this as some free time from their parental duty – or are deliberately also kept busier with long hours of work which is leading to unattended children growing up in front of TV’s, computers plugged into the myriad of boundless information on the internet and learning tricks about drugs and developing sexual deviances as a way to escape the inherent anguish of living in a world where parents must work 24/7 to get money to live, and where you as a child/youngster will invariably have to end up doing the same… I mean, who would not react to that expectative of one’s ‘future’ in this broken world? Yet we dismiss it and actually have come to blame schools, blame media, blame the government, blame parents and so as you can see blaming each other for the problems we have co-created in our society of which school is one great and pivotal pillar of.

 

robots

 

There’s a complete structural problem in our society and a large part of it has to do with how we haven’t questioned our sacred institutions like schools and the way they exist nowadays, which from my perspective are more like prisons or reformatory cells, they have always been the brewing ground for behavioral conditioning, human experimentation and indoctrination which goes unnoticed within the idea that there’s always an authority that somehow has a ‘greater understanding,’ because we place our trust on systems of validation, certification and quality-proof standards placed by some organization we’ve defined as government, which are a few individuals that have unfortunately proven to be easily bribed to rather arrange laws and regulations in a way where other individuals can be benefitted from it all – either for profit, for further population control or both. All of this apparatus of authority is currently quite skewed of course and it is rather alarming since school is the spot where kids are mandated to go to every single day – yet, even if kids do not go to a school per se, the same principles of it are still embedded in the way that we organize ourselves, in the way that we related with one another, in the way that we value ourselves, in the way that we choose what we want to do with our lives, in the way that we behave with our families and friends. The sheer idea of ‘education’ as it exists now is only a reinforce and catalyzer of essential mind and behavioral patterns that have existed within us as human beings since the beginning of our species, as they are all existent in the very core programming and functioning of our minds. So, what have we done then? We have only perfected the mechanism to make it a continuous mandatory process for kids to get to like/dislike certain things and make decisions based on, well, mostly fear of survival so that we can keep the same slave system mechanism running. But is it really the system that is the enslaving one? Or is it that we haven’t really realized where the real policeman ‘in the head’ resides in? Hint, the answer is already given in that question.

 

In Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves, a group of people walk through and expose all the behaviors, personalities, quirks and fears that they have become throughout their schooling years, wherein either one would stick to the rules and follow or dissent and rebel in whichever way possible, one would start valuing oneself according to the kind of work you deliver to the teacher, another would seek to prove the teacher wrong, another would seek be approved by them, another just wanted to break free and rebel against all rules… this also included some other more personal aspects like  because in school we also have mostly faced some of our most embarrassing or stressing moments.

I’ve shared before about crying over getting lost during math calculation exercise and not being able to keep track of it, getting so anxious that I burst into tears. From my experience, I’ve shared before about the usual pressure one would get when being ‘on the top’ and so having some classmates trying to ‘take me down/take ‘my place’ and directly letting me know how they would win over me and how they would see me fall and be glad for it, etc. All kinds of bullying also comes when being the one that sticks to all rules and does things ‘to the T,’ which to me for example later on became a way to simply dislike being used as an example for the class, which led me to then want to hide while  still wanting to keep my sense of public recognition. This influenced the way I shaped my main personalities: I started to desire being ‘cool’ for any other reason other than getting straight A’s …  and kind of a ‘rebel’ by liking non-popular things so that I could make it clear that I wasn’t ‘the teacher’s pet’ either for example.

All of these patterns are part of a lengthy self-investigative process that is contained in the pages of this blog as I’ve seen that most of the times when investigating any mind pattern, word or behavior, it invariably goes back to one of those ‘memories of schooling days’ and how some of the most ingrained fight or flight patterns, behaviors, attitudes, self-definitions like qualities and virtues, likes and dislikes as well as career choice a.k.a. who I wanted to be and become as a person, were shaped based on the same education system. To me it also involved a process of sharing a room with either 6 other kids in my first school and then moving onto being with over 35 in the following schools and universities, which is already quite a challenge when it comes to seeing how it is virtually impossible for teachers to be truly aware of students in large classes.

School becomes ‘the place’ where we are supposed to ‘find our ground in life’ and so, it’s quite obvious that we only become copies of the copies of stereotypes that we also acquire from the usual imprinting of professions we are supposed to go veering toward from an early age as part of the social-structure – however along with that, we got movies, TV shows imprinting a whole different set of values with which we believe we are in fact ‘making a free choice’ to do what we want, but we have never even questioned whether what ‘we want’ is in fact something we truly developed for ourselves or something we learned from school or saw on TV or internet.

In essence, we have never really been genuinely ‘ourselves’ as all we have become is copy of the copy of the coping and survival mechanisms we’ve shaped as personalities or professions, and that’s what I mostly have realized also when it comes to investigating myself and my ‘core personalities’ and how everything that I developed as ‘my personality’ was a collection of bits and pieces of popular counter-culture aspects along with a decision to antagonize the system no matter what, while remaining ‘safely’ in it at the same time since I would still like to be the obedient straight A person in school, lol, even if I tried to ‘rebel’ at the end… it just would not work as I couldn’t simply fathom myself being irresponsible at school which involved a sense of responsibility of ‘school being the one thing that I had to do as my main activity’ throughout the years.

What is behind that, for example? Fear of being punished, fear of being left behind, fear of losing my self-value and definition? Fear of losing my ‘throne’ as the first one in the class? Well, these points are definitely something that come to define ‘who one is’ based on a particular setting like school, where we actually acquire this way of thinking based on achievements, values, marks, behaviors and responsibilities that lie not within a common sensical practical outcome, but according to doing things the way they are asked to be done and according to a ranking system that is in no way based on the particular skills and abilities that are unique to each child, that is simply not part of our school system.

At the end of that Deschooling workshop by Eisenstein, the ultimate question remains: how to Deschool ourselves? And I simply realized that actually walking this process of self-investigation, of writing oneself to freedom, of developing self-honesty wherein we investigate our core patterns within ourselves is the best way to deschool ourselves, because in investigating our behaviors, our personalities, our fears, our manias, our weaknesses and strengths, our relationships, our friendships, our first traumas, our first embarrassments, our bullying experiences, our relationship to authority, our ability to learn, our qualities and deficiencies, comparison and judgment toward others, our discriminatory or empathic behaviors, our friendships, our enemies… all of these aspects that one actually gets to first live in school – most of the times – are part of what one can write out for oneself, investigating each pattern within the awareness of writing the experience out to identify how is it that one has limited oneself in such pattern.

So for example, if I had continued to only value myself according to what marks I would get in school, and feel ‘bad’ for getting a lower mark, then I would have continued to seek to get some ‘straight A’s’ or the equivalent way to get such ‘superiority validation’ somewhere else in my world, just because of not wanting to get to the opposite side of that and so lose my self-validation/recognition. So I had to work with understanding ‘who am I as recognition’ and the desire thereof, where am I not valuing myself, how have I accepted and allowed myself to only value myself according to achievements at school? Or how have I believed myself to only be a brain that thinks well? Where am I not actually seeing myself beyond this limited valuing perspective and really seeing through a broader potential that I had probably and most likely would not have developed if I had continued to only stick to my personality and personal desires.

So, deschooling ourselves involves a practical and continuous application of walking a process to self-forgive and let go of all the plethora of perceived flaws, definitions, beliefs, limitations, fears and rather work with developing real self-value, real self-acceptance and skills to develop ourselves to our utmost potential. In this, for example, I had to stop the desire to be recognized by others, while at the same time also walking the opposite polarity – because, as one walks one pattern you also get to understand how the mind works in polarities. And so I realized that along with my desire to be recognized, I also got to fear being recognized and so actually sought to ‘hide’ or become a rather ‘low-key’ individual while still holding on this ‘recognition’ point in place, so essentially I would create my own inner conflict which I even externalized in the way that I would dress in a rather extravagant manner while  at the same time using my body’s posture to indicate that I didn’t want to be seen, so I would hunch while walking because I believed that standing straight was ‘showing off’ and only able to be done by good looking girls for example, lol, yes all of this is a fine example of how we pollute our minds in fact.

So, this is just a tip of the iceberg example that one is actually able to investigate for oneself when looking at all the patterns we’ve become in our lives, not only from school but acquired from parents, from people we watch on TV, from the books we read, from the people we admire, from our friends and people around us, etc. As I’ve mentioned, we’ve become the copies of the copies and so the schooling system, the social system has become nothing but a reflection of these categories and identities existent and developed in our minds wherein we get lost in comparison, judgment and the idea of value in relation to ‘who we are’ within the system, all of which actually enables us to coexist within our current dog-eat-dog mentality, where all that matters is achieving personal glory regardless of who or what is abused and affected by it, or ‘collaterally damaged.’

 

I am a product of this society and I’ve had to walk this rather astounding process of deschooling myself,  of deprogramming myself in my mind while at the same time walking a process of self-creation, which is a continued process of self-investigation of every single moment, every single day wherein one continues to assert oneself as the new integration of common sense, of living principles, of a sense of commonality, of a consideration of what’s best for all, of not following an experience as to ‘how I feel’ or how I believe ‘I should feel/be like/act like/talk like’ to dictate who I am in the moment,  wherein it is a continuous process of letting go of any constrains and limitations that I have previously identified through writing, and have released through the process of self-forgiving behaviors, emotions, feelings, thinking patterns, ideas about myself so that I could then practically and actively work on stopping myself from running-through the same old programmed ‘me.’

Now I place my focus on attention on this self-creation process which is truly a first-timer for us all to be able to walk and do, because it is now that we are for the first time becoming more and more aware of things that were deeply rooted in the unconscious before. Now we are able to slowly but surely as humanity able to spot these patterns and behaviors with greater ease, and I have to say that this then a great opportunity and it does rejoice me to see more and more people starting to question themselves, and the overall world-system, which indicates there’s in fact a great opportunity existent here to change the direction of our lives if more and more people start waking up and smelling reality for what it is so that we can work together to correct and align it.

I must also say that when I speak of this process, it isn’t something I do ‘by myself’ nope, it would have been mostly more difficult I’d say – I walk with a group of people networked through the internet – around the globe – with whom we’ve shared our lives,  our writings for over 7 years now, keeping in constant processes of developing and strengthening our communication and feedback processes to ensure that we don’t get lost in this re-educational process we’re walking, which has to do little to nothing to any regular ‘schooling system,’ but we are all more than certain that more individuals must recognize the vital importance of implementing this self-investigation process as part of our schooling system, learning how to work with our minds as our thoughts, feelings, emotions, to learn how to effectively write them out and communicate about them while integrating a sense of self-support through developing common sense: the consideration of what is best for all. 

It is about time we realize that it makes complete sense to actually focus on empowering each other to learn how to best coexist as human beings rather than focusing on being liked by the teacher, or beating our classmates, or planning ways to get into a group of friends to ‘fit in,’ or planning our greatest success where we disregard another’s life of lack of opportunities and suffering that is and has become our collateral damage in this zero sum reality.

It is thus in our greatest and most common interest that we could all walk this self-education process of self-honesty which is a process of self-creation according to living principles to get to develop ourselves to our fullest potential, and so make it part of our educational programs in whichever way they take shape in the (near) future once that we more and more realize how detrimental and even harmful our current standardized type of educational systems are which actually stems from the skewed and misconstrued value systems in our minds.  

So, the best way to deschool ourselves, which is the same as saying the best way to change ourselves is definitely walking the Desteni I Process. There’s no greater set of tools in this world, nor greater group of people that commit themselves to support one another throughout this Journey to Life, to live in dignity and equality. And I can only encourage everyone to try it out for yourself, because if I had aimed at simply wanting to ‘change’ but not really investigating my mind and living patterns to the utmost degree, to really learn how to sweep behind the rug of my memories, my past, my experiences, to understand who am I within my mind and how to practically apply and establish solutions in my day to day living, I would have been equally lost in a constant yearning ‘for change’ but not really knowing how or where to start.

This isn’t an easy thing to do either, it’s probably the greatest commitment we’ll ever make in our lives, which is our commitment to actually learn how to live in the benefit of ourselves and all life considered. However, it will for sure be the most rewarding and long lasting for future generations as well.  

 

Recommend to Read:

Teacher’s Journey To Life

 

Remove the cords - self change -deschooling - desteni

Artwork by Damián Ledesma 

 

 

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Hear the Podcasts:

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


396. I Think, therefore I Assume

ASSumptions and Self Trust

I realized how in one single moment where I trust my mind and assumptions made in my mind in one single moment of reaction where I jumped into conclusions,  ‘linking the dots’ to assume about another’s’ words/actions, I in that moment actually miss my point of self-trust and instead go into trusting my mind. How many times have I heard: do not trust your mind which means, to not trust any form of reaction, emotion, thought that I am not directly seeing for its full implication such as:

Who am I the moment that I am assuming this point about another? Who am I within ASSuming?

Because it’s really not about another here, it’s about myself being working in my mind in such assumption-mode which is something I had taken for granted actually so it is also cool that this point emerged in such a ‘straight’ manner, where I am able to actually see how I created a rift within a relationship, but more so within myself as in that moment I was not fully here considering all the implications of me thinking/assuming about others which is then part of how we concoct conflicts ‘about others’ but really is only a conflict I create in my mind based on also an accumulation of other assumptions that I also deemed as ‘unimportant,’ not considering the accumulation that takes place when I went assuming things and instead of confronting them with the person, the point then emerged as an automated assumption to fulfill my previous ideas/beliefs about what was going on with others’ lives.

This is also a very pertinent point as I could notice it created the kind of ‘hangover’ I hadn’t experienced in a long time, when you know that you did something that could have had further consequences that I didn’t measure when jumping into these series of thoughts and so, it is also to debunk the ‘perfect world’ that I also have in my head about my relationships with others, and to realize how careful and utmost attention I require to exist as in every moment to Not judge, not go into assumption, not ‘draw conclusions’ based on what I believe/think/perceive about others.

From making such mistake and going into feeling ‘bad’ or ‘guilty’ I would only trap myself in yet another emotion to cloud the actual point to learn here and to take self responsibility for, which is how to be able to stop assumptions that stem from a moment of ‘linking the dots’ according to what in I decided ‘made sense’ based on previous points where I also assumed points about another. So, if anything what I am here to develop is self-trust in a new dimension I hadn’t considered before: being able to trust myself to be Here as breath in every moment to be very aware of any minor reaction but mostly Assumption that’s the key word here as that’s where one draws conclusions without physical proof that things are the way I am ASSuming they are/happened.

 

 

assume
n    verb
1    accept as true without proof.
2    take (responsibility or control).
3    begin to have (a quality, appearance, or extent). Adopt falsely.

 

So there’s a few points to self-forgive here:

1. Not being here in the moment when I quickly jumped into conclusions and assuming something about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume which is to accept a thought, a reaction, an experience within me as ‘true’ and as such trust my thoughts, my reactions, my experience instead of being fully present here and able to assess every single thought that I accept and allow to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘assumption’ which is a rather unfortunately common way to quickly draw conclusions and ‘make up my mind’ about something/someone without actually proving it myself, gathering the actual information, cross referencing it, communicating with the person or in the situation I am creating any form of assumption about and as such I realize that assuming is nothing else but a fancy way to name lying/lies wherein I accept myself to concoct and fabricate a lie to myself in order to prove other lies to me which I have also created/drawn about something/someone

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever FEEL certain about ‘my assumptions’ and within this not realizing that I am placing trust into my thoughts, my Feelings, my emotions, my mind instead of first actually Stopping and looking at what am I actually doing to myself when I assume or rather create/fabricate ideas/beliefs/perceptions about something/someone  which are in essence lies in order to prove a point that I have ‘assumed’ about something/someone – which doesn’t make sense as I am relying on a self-concocted lie to then make myself ‘right’ about what I had actually also created as a judgment, a belief, a perception about something or someone previously – which means: it was all a lie that I actually made myself believe as true without measuring the consequences of how I in fact was affecting my relationship with another without openly talking about it.

 

  • 2. Not realizing that it wasn’t about me ‘not trusting’ another but rather me trusting my mind and my assumptions based on what I also had been accumulating as other assumptions which I didn’t really confront and communicated directly with the person I was assuming things about – therefore missing out the essential point of living the word frankness and being direct when it comes to rather communicating about something instead of leaving points accumulate within me as Assumptions that I didn’t communicate, which then caused me to easily jump into conclusions based on previous moments where I also jumped into conclusions/assumed and thus considered that I could not trust someone any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump into conclusions and assume about the reason behind another’s actions based on what I had also assumed about others’ lives/actions/words which implies that I had already allowed my self to be assuming/be lying to myself, be making up ideas and beliefs as to why something/someone exists/does something in a certain manner which actually can only point out to myself what actually still exists within me, which I covered up with the line ‘I don’t like being lied to’ and creating a reaction of ‘feeling cheated’ in that moment, but I didn’t even realize that it was all really me creating this all within me, not realizing I created the assumptions/the lies within me in that split second based on me accumulating previous assumptions that I hadn’t actually communicated and confronted which is why it was so easy for me to just continue the assumptions because I had done it in the past and ‘let it be’ without actually scrutinizing the point myself and being critical about what is it that I am actually accepting and allowing to exist within me – which is then entirely me assuming my responsibility to my mind/my thoughts/ my experience instead of diverting it toward another, which is the way to abdicate my own responsibility to my own thoughts in the first place.

 

I realize that in the past in relationships with people I have allowed myself to keep quiet in relationships which had already lead me to relationship failures, wherein the moment I don’t actually open up and confront the point with another which is what I would like others to do onto myself, I am actually being the starting point of my own self-agreement failure as I am not being entirely self-honest to myself to First even before confronting the ‘assumption’ with another, first question my own assumption, see where I am gathering the information from, what are my foundations for it, what is the proof that I have for what I am assuming first – so that I then first ensure that I am the one that takes self-responsibility for myself, my thoughts, my mind and once I have cleared myself from any reaction or lies/assumptions created about another, but instead realize that I do have some points to confront and reference with others, then I simply direct myself to communicate and open it up instead of allowing these points to accumulate and kind of go ‘rotting’ in the background as this is where and how then going into further assumptions, reactions becomes more automated based on the string-of-lies and assumptions about something/someone.

Therefore I commit myself to live myself first what I would like others to do onto me too, which is to be upfront, clear, frank, directive, transparent which are words I have to first and foremost not to ‘ask’ from others, but to live these words myself within my own self-relationship with in turn then will be my relationship toward any other individual as well as who I am.

 

Here is then where I take/assume absolute responsibility wherein instead of assuming /lying to myself, drawing conclusions, making up ‘my mind’ about something or someone, I rather live the word assumption as assuming/taking the responsibility to ensure that I am first here, stable within myself and as such ensure that every word that I am creating in my mind has a clear starting point and is entirely self-directive, as I see that an accumulation of lies which I allowed to exist within me as assumptions then become a more automated form of lying which I didn’t question within me first, and so then actually exists as a point of abuse toward others coming from me within creating an experience of distrust or assuming ‘I am being lied to’ without realizing that the actual lie, the actual problem exists within me as an assumption in itself where I lie to myself about what I believe/think/perceive about another which is actually entirely existent in my own mind –therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a form of righteousness whenever I had assumed things wherein I then trust my lies/my mind going into assumption about things/people without actually investigating the point for myself, without actually rather confronting any misunderstanding with another through communication as I see and realize that if I apparently ‘don’t like lies/don’t like to lie’ which is one of the points I have placed within me as ‘virtue’ – without seeing that in fact this is just another form of ‘honesty’ card as the ‘system honesty’ because I missed the actual SELF-Honesty which is first questioning the validity, the substance and how acceptable my own thoughts and reactions are in my own mind, which is the first point of self-honesty missed when believing that ‘I am being lied to’ as this thought already implies I am actually the one lying to myself by hearing/placing trust in a thought that I have created in absolute irresponsibility, which means I didn’t assume my responsibility upon my own thought-creation that lead to assumptions about something/someone.

 

 

  • 3. I haven’t realized that this is really not about being able to trust another, but rather how I didn’t live self-trust fully to instead of assuming/jumping into conclusions in My mind to instead rather communicate it, to create an agreement of communication which will ensure that any relationships with others will be then like a fish tank: fully visible as there is nothing to hide, no backchats created as that is what creates the fracturing of any relationship, and within my self-agreement I have committed myself to be able to have transparent, integral relationships with every individual, which means having no secrets, no hidden agendas toward one another, no judgment, no backchat, no emotion or assumptions about others.

 

Missed Breaths 08

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually realize that I cannot ‘lose trust on another’ as there is really no ‘another’ but myself that creates such distrust by trusting my own mind, my own assumptions, my own beliefs which I have righteously created upon not actually communicating and opening up points that I’ve looked at but didn’t communicate, which is how one goes festering ‘little points’ over time which become yet more lies and more ‘reasons’ to assume/believe things about myself/others which is entirely existent in my own mind and as such, it is myself that has to ensure that I can instead trust myself  – which means that

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot trust myself whenever I am assuming, whenever I am reacting, whenever I am creating doubt/uncertainty/reactions toward another which I am not directly referencing Within and for myself first to see the validity of my thoughts, my experiences and if I then have sufficient proof, reason, foundation for what I am considering is something to point out in a relationship with another, then I pull up my socks and confront the situation as I realize that it is actually quite dishonest to not open up points as they come up, as these points then go accumulating and creating further unspoken assumptions/reactions which certainly creates a rift within my self and from myself toward others, which is entirely unnecessary when we are in fact able to communicate and be open about any point or situation that I see emerged within me and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eve fear confronting something or someone about my own assumptions which is rather a self-sabotage point because by confronting my own assumptions then the lies would be able to be spotted easier –but, the moment ‘I keep quiet’ that’s when the same pattern repeats: I don’t speak, further assumptions are created and so I create and give energy/attention to lies, to assumptions instead of immediately opening the point up and communicating about it.

 

Most importantly I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live self-trust fully as I realize now how whenever I am assuming I cannot and I am not in fact living self-trust because I am thinking/assuming/linking dots based on what I read/ get to know or perceive which is entirely subjective and self-created upon premises that I have also defined in a certain manner so that it fits ‘my assumption’ which is then entirely self-deceptive first and foremost.

 

When and as I see myself jumping into conclusions, assuming what’s going on with something/someone I stop and I breathe, I ensure that I am back into physical reality and focus on myself, questioning what is it exactly that I am accepting and allowing to exist within me toward myself and toward others? And within this simply stop continuing assuming and instead, rather immediately referencing the point instead of allowing it to ‘pass’ because I see that allowing things to ‘pass’ it’s actually just an allowance of having points remain undirected, unsolved, which is another way of saying: I am not taking responsibility for my own reactions, assumptions beliefs about something/someone in one moment, which is what creates the problem in the first place: when I allow lies/assumptions to exist within me and go ‘unnoticed’ and neglecting the responsibility I have to every single thought, movement, experience that I have in my mind and that No thought, no reaction, no experience can be righteous or justified.

When and as I see myself once again ever going into the backchat ‘I don’t like being lied to’ – I stop and I breathe – And I bring myself HERE to realize that I am the one lying to myself first by being self-dishonest and being creating a reaction upon my own thoughts and so, instead focus on looking at the point objectively so that I can then see what do I need to cross reference in order to ensure I am not assuming, and so confront the point or situation in the moment.

I see and realize that I have to practice that ability to be more directive in the moment which means not allowing something to ‘go by’ and allow it to just ‘pass’ as this is me not taking responsibility for what I created in my mind.

 

Therefore I commit myself to actually develop first self-trust wherein I am able to ensure that every single thought I have I can be certain it is self-directive and that I am fully here as I utilize my mind constructively to direct myself, to clarify situations, to open up and cross-reference with others, as that is then the way wherein I can ensure that I can trust myself in relationship to others which means: I can trust myself that I won’t create lies/assumptions about something/someone – but instead focus on investigating, taking/assuming responsibility to myself, my mind, my reactions and so within this, it will invariably and by default will also be easier to confront/expose/open up a point with others as I am then having the openness lived by myself first, which is the self-agreement at all times, to not see ‘others’ as the problem but always self, always taking the point back to myself.

 

I commit myself to ensure that I remain clear and stable no matter what, no matter how even something that I believe is a problem exists in reality, as we do live in a reality where things are not ‘easy’ or ‘smooth ‘ or ‘without problems’ because this entire world, our relationships and our lack of self-responsibility to our own minds is what has created the nature of a problematic world – therefore, instead of seeing this as a ‘big point’ I realize that I have to instead use this as a flag point to become aware of any other moment where I see myself assuming things about something/someone, quiet myself in that moment and focus on MYSELF and stopping lying/ deceiving and being self-dishonest within me accepting and allowing such assumptions/backchat about something/someone and instead focus on seeing the point and then looking how I am going to direct it, assuming my responsibility to my words, my mind, my actions and inactions.

 

I commit myself to also not continue ‘bashing’ myself for committing this mistake of assuming a lot about something/someone as that guilt/remorse is only an experience that also prevent us from directly spotting the responsibility within it all, so I instead focus on my responsibility to every word, every reaction I create and rather focus on preventing/stopping any reaction from existing within me in any given moment wherein I observe something/someone and go into believing that ‘I know’ why something/someone happens/does something as this is entirely self-referential which means: it has nothing to do ‘with others’ but rather upon myself and what I do or don’t do.

 

 

Pointing back at me

 

Interviews:

 

To Develop Self-Honesty and Learn how to live a Self-Agreement to be able to Trust ourselves, investigate:

392. Why are Emotional Relationships a Fuckup?

Continuing from:

 

“So the disillusionment with arts have to do with My Own expectations about it. How I thought that this was ‘the way’ to change the world and of course I didn’t follow through with ‘becoming an artist’ in the traditional sense which I then perceived as myself already ‘opting out’ of it all and seeing the sheer idea of dedicating myself to ‘create art’ as utterly selfish, without realizing how much I had desired ‘that’ to be my reality before. I’ve also been recently sharing about these points with people, explaining how I’m not proud of the decisions I made earlier on in my life and how I would not recommend anyone to study arts. I do however not say ‘don’t study arts’ but simply place my own expectations, my own experience, my decision to do something else and how such studies were a nice platform but not real tools that I can apply to what I am doing now.” From 387. The Love/Hate Relationship with Art

 

Nostalghia

 

Facing Myself, my Relationships through the Relationship with Art

I suggest to read:  What does it Mean to Have a Relationship with Oneself? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 608 by Andrew Gable

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationships based on emotions and feelings wherein it doesn’t matter whether it is arts or a person or a responsibility or a place, the moment that I create emotional and feeling attachments to places/people/objects/professions then I begin creating my own trap through definitions based on what I believe that ‘I like’ and what I believe is ‘my thing’ based on nothing else but emotions, feelings, experiences that I went attaching toward something/someone over time, and then believing that I am in fact all of these experiences, emotions and feelings in relation to something or someone, without realizing that such experiences cannot define what such something or someone is in fact, as it is all entirely self-created, it is me-myself that has created this experience within me.

Within this premise, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately automate the words ‘my relationship to/with something/someone’ being defined as an experience that I have built toward something or someone instead of the actuality of how I participate, interact with, communicate with /through something or someone and within that realizing that any experience that I create is entirely my own and has nothing to do with that something or someone but myself at all times.

Therefore I realize that the projections upon ‘art’ is in fact the experience that I have created toward the who I was within that time of my life when I chose to study art and that If I were to place myself within that same frame of mind 7 years ago, I would probably still go for that choice in life, which means that it is a decision I made entirely based on what I wanted to experience and who I wanted to be as a personality, an ego and satisfy my drive that I went building up throughout time to ‘make it’ within the art world – so this point I have opened up before however now I am able to see that it has nothing to do with ‘art’ in itself, I’ve made of art the excuse to project my own judgments toward my decisions, the way that I established relationships toward this something that I ‘built myself’ around, and as such because I realized I could not continue constructing myself as ‘an artist’ within the initial ideals I had, then I acted in spite and begun regretting and embarrassed by my choices in life as I see them as ‘useless’ without realizing that I was actually reacting at all the various others things I did in my life throughout that time of which I cannot be proud of either and that I cannot certainly recognize as ‘myself’ any longer so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the relationships that I built with people and with specifically my career as ‘arts’ which in fact reflect all the choices in my life, the people that I chose to surround myself with and that I cannot really judge myself for who I was back then as back then I had no awareness of the points I am aware now.

So I realize that I have to stop being ‘hard’ on myself based on this hidden-experience of having ‘the past haunting me,’ and so be able to finally let go of it as I do not have to re-enact this kind of shame or embarrassment about myself, my past relationships, my emotionally-driven decisions in life because it is to realize that back then I didn’t know any other way – and so instead I am grateful to be able to be here writing myself, having deviated from ‘the path’ that I had initially chosen as god knows where the hell I would be if I had followed through my ‘lifestyle’ and the relationships I built around the same ego and personality that I was. I rather see and recognize that I’ve definitely moved on from that phase of my life, but! Also realizing that every time that I create an experience toward any memory, any relationship, any past choice including my decision to study arts, I recreate the entire network of ‘the who I was’ in my past and as such I continue enslaving myself to those relationships and only fuel the negative experiences that are the opposite polarity to the initial positive experiences that I used to build my relationships with people and with the profession/career I was veering myself toward.

And within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to follow the usual pattern within the mind which is ‘dissing’ something once that one has squeezed the last drop of positive experience out of it, which means that once that it ‘served me’ and ‘its purpose’ and I’ve hit the ground back into reality about it and I am no longer seeing visions based on emotional and feeling experiences, then I go into the opposite polarity of talking bad about it and feeling righteous within that, without realizing that it is only the predetermined and rather predictable outcome from an initial positive experience that I created with such ‘passion’ about it that when the whole experience was no more, I ‘dropped’ down to the bottom and the opposite – so it happened just like a typical relationship wherein people first get in love with each other and as time progress and the energy runs dry, they part ways and talk shit about each other, so that’s what I did toward ‘art,’ and I didn’t even realize it because to me it was so right that it hadn’t fulfilled my expectations that I believed I had ‘the right’ to feel that way about it, without seeing the obvious: it was a feeling, an emotion, a judgment that came from nothing else but the ‘who I was’ toward art and so, within this ‘dissing’ recreating my past relationship to art over and over again – trapping myself in my own past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form emotional relationships toward what I deemed as ‘my career’ or ‘my path’ which in this case was art/being an artist and within this allow a physical process to become a rather emotionally driven relationship, similar to those that I’ve walked with individuals wherein there are a lot of feelings and emotions attached to something/someone that I want to hold onto and when the relationship is no more, such dependency then turns into a ‘lack’ of this fulfillment gotten from something or someone and as such, it turns into a form of bitterness ‘toward something or someone,’ without realizing that this all is really not about ‘art’ in itself or the people in my past relationships or else, it’s about myself and how I created relationships of dependency upon others in order to ‘satisfy me’ or ‘complete me’ or give me some kind of experience to which I could define myself, build myself, construct and upgrade myself as the ego that I was wanting to be within the ‘who I am’ as a professional artist as well as within the relationship formed in relation to who I am as an artist and in relationship to others.

 

Therefore I realize that the best way to follow through with this is to entirely let go of my experiences toward my past specifically and so be able to give myself back to myself as being able to focus on what is here, what I am working with, what I am developing as myself and also to align my relationship to art and be able to enjoy it, visiting museums or read about it, hear it, interact with it without loading the entire experience of ‘going to the museum’ and defining myself according to that any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful in the past few years and whenever I would talk about some forms of contemporary art become infuriated and a bit angry about what I defined as being utterly selfish and self-centered and ‘useless’ to the problems that I was then realizing were ‘much more important than that’ – and in this, I still agree that there are more important points in life than some kinds of art that are merely conceptual and contemplative and ‘useless’ as a tool to create practical solutions to the world – however, this obviously doesn’t justify the fact that I’ve been spiteful and holding this love-hate relationship to it, and within this only fueling an inner conflict of still being interested in or curious about the current art forms that are emerging while at the same time judging it as useless so here

I had considered myself to feel bitter about art

art-should-be

Bitter: causing pain or unhappiness. Feeling or showing angry hurt or resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter about art as in becoming resentful toward it and toward the people that create it, not realizing that I had exactly done the opposite for a prolonged period of time which is why the inner conflict arose in the first place, all based on me wanting to make of art the quintessential human experience and making it the most ‘honorable profession on Earth’ or so, and so believing that being an artist was the same or similar thing as to say I was chosen by god and/or touched by god, so in essence a lot of delusions of grandeur that I created within me and that I projected toward art. So, this bitterness as in being angry, resentful, dissatisfied toward art has to do with me having to let go of my own desires/hopes/dreams related to me becoming an artist. So once again, it has nothing to do with ‘art’ in itself but the expectations and experiences I created toward it and so, when realizing I had to stop pursuing my mind any further and only feeding my ego, that’s when the opposite relationship came up.

When and as I see myself feeling bitter about any form of art that I may see, read about or even people that create art and discuss their work – I stop and I breathe, I ensure that I am not tensing my physical body and experiencing that bolt of energy within me wanting to ‘let them know the truth about their creation’ which is in fact nothing else but me wanting to ‘express’ through reaction, as if I had ‘the truth’ within myself and so within this actually becoming nothing more than an ego that wants to be recognized for ‘my new position’ which is not really supportive but only a packet of resentment, judgments and overall bitterness toward that which I once praised.

I realize that this all comes from how much the entirety of ‘my world’ and ‘myself’ that I deemed as ‘real’ and ‘genuine’ were in fact not, so this whole relationship with art I remember very well was the first initial ‘big hit’ that I took when understanding who we are as the mind, as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system and that the thing I feared losing the most was the personality I had created through/as art and having chosen that path for myself, which is why that initial big fear of loss about this self-definition had such a ‘big impact’ in the aftermath, wherein I allowed myself to not be entirely self-directive toward art but instead then create the opposite polarity and so still participating within the mind. And this came through even though I believed I was ‘well over with it,’ only to test out not long ago that there were still reactions coming through the more ‘artistic’ documentaries I would watch and wanting to ignore the reactions to it until I simply believed that I had to ‘speak my mind’ about it – and yes, it was ‘my mind’ and a till here no further to when and as I see myself questioning or asking another about their creation from the starting point of the ‘bitter drop-out of an artist’ that I became in my mind, and so stop defining myself based on the choices of the past and focus on communicating or creating a dialogue based on what we can learn from it, what can be useful to understand our human condition or even innovate and take points to be creative in the ways that I can support myself and others through this process while using art as a supportive tool for it, without endowing it the entire ‘duty’ of ‘changing the world’ in itself, which as I’ve previously discussed, it’s impossible.

When and as I see myself wanting to create an experience of spite or disdain and bitterness toward ‘art’ and seeing it as useless or pointless while at the same time being curious about it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that both the negative and positive experiences are only re-creations of the ‘who I was’ in the past as an art-lover and then the who I became as the anti-thesis of that which was pretty much being very critical toward art within a negative context, and so I simply stop, breathe and observe/interact with it without creating any experience but rather seeing it objectively for what it is. And this is the challenge really because I had cult-ivated the experiences attached to works of art and becoming emotional about it, which I also learned from books at the same time. So I realize that all of my emotions and feelings are in fact nothing else but knowledge and information that I’ve translated into energetic experiences that serve no purpose for me to interact with something or someone.

 

I commit myself to be able to be here as breath while witnessing performances, watching/visiting museums or art galleries and also to remain here as breath when getting too excited about seeing something because that’s also once again recreating the same pattern of the visual vicious – which I’ve talked about extensively of – and so realize it’s just images, it’s just pictures, it’s just a part of reality and the only way I can ‘react’ to something is if I ‘load’ all my past-definitions in order to react based on memories and the knowledge that I had built around art and the ‘who I am’ toward art. So I can practically simply stop those past definitions and focus on reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read about the Stendhal syndrome in some book and consider that I would get this kind of experiences such as seeing ‘the sublime’ and mostly images that would depict the end of the world, which is why I focused myself so much on depicting the end of the world and getting a kick out of it, and believe that these emotions were ‘normal’ to me and that I had all the right to ‘express them’ but, the reality is that it was all a self-created experience and that there was no ‘magic’ or ‘real connection’ to painting or anything like that which I believed was something ‘special’ within me. Therefore I realize that these experiences were pretty much all created within my desperate need to ‘feel something’ because I had deemed the ability to ‘feel’ as in becoming emotional as special, as sensitive, as ‘unique’ in a human being – and so I created my own web of experiences according to how I would see others would feel and so mimic it, read books that were very emotional and then going determining what I would find as ‘emotional’ and what I would like to experience and so integrate as part of the ‘who I was’ as the characters that I read about and that I eventually wanted to create for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to made of past relationships as something conflictive and filled with ‘turmoil’ inside my mind as I realize that this was also part of the definition of who I wanted to be as a very sensitive person in order to be able to have stories to tell or talk about, as I believed that I had to suffer to make any real art. Therefore, I realize that any experience I created toward something or someone wasn’t part of reality as such, but entirely self created in my mind. Within this, I realize that also in my relationships the experiences I created about others were never ‘real’ as such, but only the plethora of experiences and definitions I created upon them – that’s why once the energy ran dry and seeing the individuals or situations that I was in within my life with sober eyes and frame of mind, the ‘truth’ of myself and the interactions with others/something came through as it is.

 

So a way to redefine a relationship it is to first of all no longer define tit through/as an emotion or feeling, something that we believe is ‘real’ in the mind based on memories, ideas, beliefs, past experiences that we then make real as our preference, as that which ‘we want,’ without taking physical reality into consideration.

Therefore an emotional relationship will always end up as a ‘fuck-up’ if it is not aligned to physical reality wherein I can stand as an individual that first of all ponders what it is that I sought in my relationship with something/someone that I believed I didn’t have myself, alone – and so realize that whichever I was expecting to get from ‘art’ or someone in my life were and had been all points of separation, illusions that I believed were unable to be experienced within me. So this is how the best way to create a relationship with someone or something is to ensure that it is seen through the eyes of physical reality, where no emotions, feelings, no past experiences, no ideals, wants, needs or desires become a decisive factor in terms of defining who I am toward others, as all I have to consider is myself and within doing that I can then interact with something/someone based on the principles that I can integrate within myself, as the relationship that I want to establish for myself so that no matter what I do, where I am, with who or alone, I remain stable, supporting myself, getting to know about others in the relationships formed with my reality, recognizing myself as one and equal with them, instead of seeing them as points to ‘fulfill me’ or things/experiences that I believed I lacked.

I realize that it’s been supportive to revisit this aspect of ‘my relationship to art’ to review my state of affairs in relation to other relationships based on emotions in the past, and so to focus on preventing further ‘fuckups’ as the ups and downs and polarity relationships of ‘love and hate’ as that is all of the mind –  instead there are more physical aspects and perspectives to consider here as well.

Life on Earth in itself is built through relationships, so I cannot define relationships only as personal relationships with something or someone, but rather realize that we are all made of and constantly require and exist as relationships that define the way we live in our world – therefore the more we are able to act, participate and be part of these relationships in a physical and common sensical manner without being driven by desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies and illusions, the more we will be able to begin changing the focus of our reality – from the distraction that emotional relationships are to a rather physical process of aligning ourselves to that which enables our coexistence in the best possible manner – no feelings/emotions required for that, no special relationships but rather the equalization and realization of who I am as this interdependence

 

to be continued…

Mechanical Heart 06

 

To learn more about how to establish proper Relationships suggest the Re-defining Relationships – Agreement Course  as well as:


380. Conditioned by Memories

to react with emotions upon receiving bad news.

Dreams are a cool place where we can still face points that might not be in our reality any longer, but that we can still test out ‘where we stand’ in relation to certain people, situations, events and so this is also within the understanding that no matter in which conditions we create the situation – either real life or dreams or else – process remains the same in one’s application, essentially in all dimensions of self.

Last night I had a dream about someone – one of the few people – I had come to consider as a ‘friend’ in high school who has been the one person I’ve met with after all these years and grew ‘fond’ of for the time we were together in school, and certainly in my mind he has remained as the ‘only one person I could care about of all those people’ as a point of separation.

In my dream, he would tell me that he had cancer and was extremely sad and the moment that he hugged me, IN MY MIND in the dream is as if I was THINKING that I should feel sad about it, that I should ‘show some emotion’ on it, that I could maybe go to the past, and bring up the nice experiences I used to have with him and so place them into context to this moment of him telling me these ‘bad news’ and now feel bad/sad about it, but it was very interesting how there was nothing, zero experience within me other than the belief that maybe I should become sad so that he knows ‘I care’ but really, that’s essentially what we have been conditioned to think.

In my dream it was very interesting how at the mind/intention level there was still this inkling of idea that ‘I must show emotion to let him know I care’ but physically I could not experience anything in the dream, nothing else but the physical embrace and being with the person that moment, even if he was decidedly sad and in tears about it.

DSC08348

 

So, why do I share this? Because since the beginning of my process, one of the first points I complained about ‘having to stop my mind’ as I had understood it at the beginning, was “Well, what the hell am I going to become without my emotions and feelings, a Robot!?? Is that what you want me to be!!??” and I was quite well under a storm in my own glass of water about it, only later realizing that such tantrum was actually performed by me as the mind, and not me as the point of self-awareness that realizes that: we are not our emotions and feelings, we are physical beings and as such, we direct ourselves in practicality and common sense.

One would then say “Well, so if you don’t become sad or show emotion to demonstrate you ‘care’ about someone, how do you do it?’ – And so I realized in the dream that the point of stability, who I was in that moment of getting the news and seeing the person cry, be the point of stability, being there as breath as there is nothing else I was able to do – my tears or emotion would do nothing to fix the problem and so, it is the same when any other circumstances come our way where we cannot physically do anything to fix/solve the problem, the most we can do is stand as the breathing pillar of support, being there for the person/being in distress whenever one can, and support with anything we are able to support with in self-honesty: meaning not trying to ‘save’ the person, but understanding also the ‘greater picture’ of how consequences manifest.

So, I found it fascinating how the ghostly mind whispers would be like a sensation of ‘I require to become emotional, I need to FEEL something right now, come on!’ lol, almost like if I didn’t feel anything then I would be a ‘dead’ person or ‘bad’ and kind of try and create the emotion in the moment out of memories and so forth… but it didn’t work, so I simply embraced the physicality of being here, with the person, breathing and not having to feel or become emotional about it, but only reiterate my support with anything I could contribute with.

 

However, I do see there’s more to it within questioning why the hell was it that one person in my world that I dreamed of, what was the particular relationship set up? How did he become ‘special’ in terms of my past and relationships? And that’s what I’ll begin looking at here:

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the idea of who A is as ‘someone special from school’ which has caused me to then in the dream bring up the idea of himself as this ‘special person getting sick’ so that in my mind, I could have a ‘reason’ to become sad because apparently ‘he’s a special person to me,’ without realizing that in keeping him as a memory of all the ‘good times’ and the ability to communicate that we had, I had created a ‘good/positive’ experience toward him, as someone that I ‘specially care for’ and in this, still existing as the perception that I created over time about him, which separates him from the rest of the people and myself as being one and equal, because in equality, there can be no special bonds, or special friendships or relationships that we ponder above others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at some level in my dream, attempt to lure myself into ‘becoming emotional’ because that’s what apparently he deserved after having been a ‘special person/friend’ in my life, and so believing that ‘I should demonstrate my ‘care’ for him by becoming sad or cry and be emotional about his condition,’ without realizing that it is precisely this type of self-manipulation wherein we give into the mind just because of accepting the conditioning of ‘how we have to behave when we get ‘bad news’ or when something ‘bad’/unfortunate happens to another, without realizing that this is the same form of trap that we create in terms of relationships, and caring MORE for one individual or a few individuals than the rest of the world.

I see and realize that if I was to become sad about ‘bad things happening to others’, I would be sad all day long since this world is nothing but a consequential chain reaction of unfortunate events, and manifested consequences that lead to suffering and pain, and nothing will change unless we first understand how we create our own sickness, our own misfortune, how we contribute to the pain and abuse in this world by us precisely giving into the mind, which does Nothing to solve the problem but further compound the problem, since in the mind, working with energy: there is no solution at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the dream want to ‘reason’ his cancer sickness trying to grab memories of ‘who he is’ and how I had believed him to be very ‘conceited’ at first and how i had in fact gone form hate to ‘love’ with this person, and how I tried to ‘make sense’ of his sickness due to the manifested consequences of the time when I had defined that he was an ‘a-hole.’

I realize that what I created in my dream was exactly what I have been witnessing around me when it comes to seeing people with certain power or certain air of grandeur being humbled by loss, suffering, pain, sickness and so forth and so in my dream reasoning that this is why he had ‘cancer’ and trying to ‘make sense’ of the problem by all the judgments that I in fact created toward him at the very beginning of getting to know him, which later on turned into the exact opposite and so, in the dream I am being shown how I had created the pattern of ‘from hate to love’ toward another, love as the appreciation of someone, of ‘specialness’ and ‘care’ without realizing that it had been a mechanism of the mind to be able to actually ‘cope’ with the person and be better as ‘friends’ than ‘enemies’ lol, which is kind of interesting then, because I realize that I had also many times wished him to ‘go f… himself’ and so when seeing that point of vulnerability and seeing that he was no longer the ‘almighty person’ I had perceived him to be, that he was ‘at last’ being ‘grounded by consequence,’ without realizing that I created and generated all of this situation in the mind to realize that the ‘hold’ that I had kept toward this particular person is existent because I wanted to hold on to this ‘special relationship’ that we had as friends and colleagues mostly, and so giving it value within ‘who I am’ and ‘what I came to be for him and what he came to be for me’ as this ‘great lesson’ of how we could talk through our initial rivalry and antagonism and get to be ‘good friends.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to these ideas, perceptions, memories of people in my past as something ‘great’ and holding on to the positivity of it, because of believing that I/we had done a ‘great job’ to ‘teach others how to go from hate to love/appreciation’ which I see that it remained as this ‘special relationship’ due to the actual struggle that it represented at first with him, in this

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge A extensively at the very beginning of knowing him for the amount of money that he had, considering him as arrogant and an asshole all the way, which is why within this judgment I would usually confront him and deliberately want to ‘prove him wrong’ which would lead us to this ‘enemy relationship’ that later on due to my own deliberate explanation to our teachers how ‘I could not stand him,’ lol, he remained in the same class as I did for the rest of the 3 years of high school, which is funny and I’m grateful how teachers asked me about this point because I had difficulty relating myself to people, and so they knew that this guy ‘A’ was one of the main problems and so, they deliberately kept us in the same class, until we started becoming ‘friends’ once that we were able to communicate about topics that others would not usually engage in.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘good experience’ while ‘remembering the time when I became friends with A’ because in the mind it was the turnover from the absolute ‘hate’ or disdain that I had formed toward him, to the positive as the ‘nice experience’ it became to be friends with him and to have someone to talk to about stuff I ‘cared’ for, and so, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a ‘good memory’ with ‘positive experiences’ about the relationships I’ve formed with people that I considered as a ‘challenge,’ without realizing that such ‘challenge’ implies that i had first seen the person within the scope of ‘negative experience toward them’ which is how I created them as a ‘challenge to deal with’ and so when being able to establish a relationship with them, they stopped being ‘a challenge’ and instead became the normalcy of ‘good experience’ toward him for ‘having achieved the ‘good from the bad’ – all the polarity design implied at a mind-energetic level of having first defined ‘A’ as a ‘bad person’ as a negative point in my reality, and then turning that ‘negative point’ into a positive point, which later on became like a ‘trophy’ that I would want to hold on to, as in having ‘conquered’ that ‘a-hole’ and turned him into a ‘better person’ which is quite the pattern I have repeated throughout my life in terms of my relationships – in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the memories of how I perceive and believe that ‘I changed people to become a better person’ not realizing that all that I did, was changing the ‘charge’ that I had judged them initially with – which in all cases remains a judgment, an assessment in the mind – and so in fact I did Not change the individual, they did it for themselves, and it’s up to each individual to then assess the starting point of their change.

I realize that in interactions and relationships, I would tend to want to always ‘change’ the person and want them to become ‘better’ within what I had defined as ‘better’ and so believing that ‘I had something to do with their change of behavior from ‘bad/negative person’ to ‘good person’ which is only the idea and belief that I have wanted to hold on to within myself to create the idea that ‘I was a positive influence in the lives of others.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to and believe that ‘I have been a positive influence in the lives of others’ and make myself be the ‘good person’ of the tale that ‘changes lives’ without realizing that this is merely then who I have been in terms of ego wanting to change people, want them to become a ‘better person’ but for this point of self-interest when it comes to getting ‘challenges’ or ‘difficult people to deal with’ in order to prove that ‘I can get around anything or anyone’ and believe I have this ‘ability’ or ‘skill’ to make things change, not realizing that at that point in the past, it was me also changing myself, wanting to fit into those relationships, changing my behavior to ‘be around’ those people for the ‘convenience’ I believed they represented, and so created and remained with this idea of ‘fondness’ toward others, without realizing how I had come to create such ‘specialness’ over such individual in the first place, and so understand why it was that particular person coming with the sickness in the dream.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever add credit or value to myself for having been able to ‘deal with – who I perceived – were ‘difficult people’ and getting them to ‘get along with me’ for the sake of proving that ‘I could deal with them and change them’ without realizing that I in fact cannot change anyone, I cannot directly prove that I have influenced anyone, nor do I have to prove such things as only who I am as ego would want to gauge the ‘results’ to see whether I was able to ‘change someone’ or not, and that’s obviously not the point of our relationships or interactions in terms of ‘change.’

I realize that I can only stand as an example of support, of stability, of realizations that I have come through my own process of self-change and in this, I realize that wanting to hold on to this idea of ‘having changed others’ and then creating this special bond with them due to ‘having seen them change from negative to positive’ is nothing else but a trait in the mind to remain in separation from the person themselves, and realizing that in terms of the dream, the positive feeling that i wanted to initially create toward him was not real as it always had been created in the mind as the result of the hate-to-love relationship we created, wherein now in the mind when seeing such ‘special person’ being sick, I was ‘supposed to feel bad’ but only based on ‘uploading’ all of the past and memories with him as ‘positive’ to then have a reason to ‘feel bad/sad’ about his situation based on my own reaction to my own memories.

 

Self Commitments:

So, I commit myself to remain in stability and breath at all times and not ‘give head’ to the whispers in the mind about ‘me having to become emotional’ about a situation in order to ‘show I care,’ as I realize that this is how we trap each other in special bonds and feelings, and memories, and patterns based on memories of the past, of who the person was, who we were to them and so cage each other in the same patterns again.

I commit myself to remain standing in stability no matter how I may have even the slightest doubt in terms of my stability and believe that ‘I should show some emotion’ because I realize that emotions is not who I decide to be in such moments, but instead remain physically, breathing in stability, grounded and directive, so as to also be able to be the example of how remaining in stability is the best point of support instead of giving into emotions that lead to no solution.

I commit myself to view A as any other person and let go of this ‘special relationship’ which involves the whole pattern of ‘hate-to-love’ and me apparently having influenced who I had defined as a ‘difficult person’ to change, without realizing that this is only assumptions that I made myself believe in to feel ‘good’ about it all and cherish this relationship as special.

Now in this, it doesn’t mean that I have to now completely ‘forget’ about the person or whatnot, but simply be very aware of how I ‘remember’ them, whether any reactions come up when having the thought of him in my mind as this will be supportive to then see what else comes up, and why I have held such ‘special niche’ to him in my mind, separated from everyone else – which I now see is mostly due to this from hate-to-love relationship that I gave ‘value’ to, due to the ‘challenge’ it represented in my mind.

I commit myself to let go of all the judgments I have held toward A based on his past, our relationship and who I believe him to be, and in this realize that I can only trust the physical, the actions lived and the moment that is here whenever we get to meet again

I commit myself to no longer feel the ‘need’ to ‘act out some emotions’ according to defining people as ‘special’ in my world and as such creating ‘feelings’ about them because of them being considered as ‘special’ which I realize is not at all who they really are, as who we are is one and equal and so, we stand as one and equal breathing, directive, stable – since only emotions and feelings emerge when we act based on memories.

 

I trust myself in and as physical stability at all times, as I realize that becoming emotional is of the mind and so, I commit myself to being here,  breathing and self directive at all times – no special strings attached.

 

Unplugged

 

To stop being a past-based memory robot and live here:

 

Interview on Dreams:

The Meanings in Dreams – Life Review

 

Today’s the 6th anniversary of having found Desteni and as such, of the beginning of changing my life for the best, for all.

Desteni Process – New World – 30/January/2008

 

Join us!


375. The Acceptance of Power as Our Own Demise

“Whoever is the cause of another becoming powerful, is ruined himself for that power is produced by him either through craft or force; and both of these are suspected by the one who has been raised to power”Niccolò Machiavelli

 

The Lost I of the Universe by Thought

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate the illusion of power and hierarchy as part of ‘who I am’ and ‘how reality operates’ without realizing how within this acceptance, one gives way to laws, rules, regulations to dictate one’s life through politics, through laws, through so-called education systems that in no way have inculcated living principles, a living understanding of who we are as living beings that are made of the same substance – instead, I accepted and allowed myself to learn of the differences, the hierarchy, the power structures, the laws to abide to, following the education system to the T and believing that such structure was created in the best interest of myself, my life, the life of others and of this entire reality, therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my own responsibility to myself, to others, to this world through immediately giving up my ability to comprehend, realize, understand reality through physical living principles and instead, gave myself into knowledge and information, rules, supposed principles that I integrated as the way that I conceive and understand reality which I have used to lead myself through the world as a passive participant, believing that the existence of power in the political class was inherent to such structure that governs our lives

I realize that such power could have not existed if I hadn’t integrated the concept of hierarchy, authority, ruling powers, kings, presidents, monarchs, tyrants, dictators, magnates and any other position of power that implies a form of control and deliberate abuse in order to generate such power as the accumulation of ‘moreness’ at the cost of equality as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience powerlessness toward authorities/power structures not realizing that my own submission, fear and experiences toward the idea of something superior to myself, validates and enables the creation of such separation to exist as ‘how our reality operates’ – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the actual existence of the system is not in the people outside of myself, but it exists within and as myself from the moment that I accepted thoughts, feelings, emotions and the entire comprehension of my reality in inequality as ‘how things are’ becoming the perfect slave and follower to whichever idea, construct and system that was formed from the beginning of our time and simply agreeing to give it continuation from generation to generation through education, culture as if such rules, ways, structures and systems were genuinely representing the laws of our being and what is best for all which was never so.

 

I realize that having a myopic view of the problem of the world in only focusing on one system, one area such as the offense-defense balances of political powers, the violation of human rights, the deliberate fraud the monetary system is are only consequential outflows of the inherent hegemon/ monarch/ king/ ruler/ leader/ tyrant and dictator that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as the mind, as the system that is the source and origin of ‘all the powers that be,’ that is the real image and likeness of what our reality currently exists as because words themselves as laws, people themselves as actors, money printed with numbers are in essence just part of this reality no different to anything or anyone else and that as any tool, it can be used for the benefit of all OR for the detriment of all. In this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the key to change the structures of this system resides in the mind of each individual human being, for it is to realize that the best laws can be written to guarantee the best living conditions to all, the best monetary system created as a tool to guarantee the access to all the necessary means to live in a dignified manner can be created, a proper structure to ensure the preservation and sustainability of the ecosystem, taking care of the flora and fauna, the best constitutions can be written, but unless the nature of the human being changes = nothing will change.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to life by integrating knowledge and information that directly separates, severs, divides, hierarchizes, abuses and confuses our relationship to one another as equals by nature and in this immediately giving into the belief that something or someone can genuinely have power over myself, which begins at a thought level and exists in that moment that we learn how we must follow rules, ways, laws, regulations or else we would be punished by god/ authority/parent/teacher/police/judges and any character that we accepted and allowed to perceive would have power over others through the threat of punishment, thus having to follow the laws, rules, regulations written by us humans that never have existed with a foundation of genuinely caring for all, but instead already replicating and mimicking our own learned – accepted and allowed – ways of thinking and conceiving reality through the mind, which is a system extracts life substance from the physical body to generate energy, using all means and ways to ensure that the power/ the energy is able to be obtained over life, deliberately using/abusing the physical, the life force to power up its own existence and continuation that was then prescribed as laws, rules, regulations, ‘principles,’ morality, ethics, philosophy, wisdom, religions, politics, science and any other form of acceptance of such premises to be ‘the reality’ of who we are, ‘how things are,’ immovable precepts not realizing they were in fact pre-sets, pre-determined and pre-defined ways to guarantee the submission of who we are as life to the mind, the power-system and believing ourselves to be only that: pawns in a system, having a purpose, fulfilling that purpose or else we would die/ we would be punished and cease to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in the beginning, fear the non-existence of myself based on the threat of ‘the powers that be’ whether it is the figure of a god, ‘justice’, parent, teacher, tyrant, judge, dictator, president, director etc. which are nothing else but necessary figures of control in a system that required such fear to maintain ourselves subordinated to the status quo, the ‘how things are and always have been’ and according to this acceptance and allowance of our history, our knowledge and information, we became slaves to it with an inability to think outside the box, because we accepted the box as the vox/ the voice in our head, in our mind as ‘who we really are. ‘

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taint the meaning of authority with fear, with authoritarianism as the abuse of power instead of realizing that the authority of myself is the ability to direct and write myself to be a self-directive being in self honesty, using the real power that is the physical body to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-authority as the ability to direct myself in common sense considering what is best for myself and all in the way that I live and relate to everything and everyone in this reality to an idea of having to be ‘loyal to the laws, loyal to authorities, loyal to my family, loyal to a country, loyal to myself’ as the pre-determined role of being a follower of the rules and regulations believing this to be something ‘good’ that would make me by default a ‘good citizen’ and as such, believe that this submission and subordination to become an obedient individual to ‘the powers that be’ would make me a remarkable, loyal and trustworthy person, without realizing it was exactly the opposite.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in any form of superiority, subordination, inferiority, as the polarity in which our mind as the generator of this frame through which we view and conceive reality is existing as, which means that every time that I give my power away – which is the actual power of every breath – to a train of thought, to imagination, to an experience I am already recreating the slave-master relationship that I have existed as within myself, individually within the disparity that I’ve become as a body, a mind and beingness that has been suppressed by my constant and deliberate participation in the mind in the acceptance of it as ‘who I really am’ – this is then understood as the basic hierarchical relationship I’ve existed as within myself, therefore toward others as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from a very early age believe that the intention of the creation of governmental structures, nations, states, and all the ‘powers that be’ was to guard my life, the life of all living beings in this planet, thinking and believing that if there was an authority behind the creation of our education system, the supervision of what we eat/drink, the rules that we guide our lives with then we would be immediately safe and our interests would be secured, without realizing that any formation of a hierarchical structure was never meant to be supportive for all individuals, for the existence of a hegemon/god/powerful entity implies already the subordination and abuse of everyone else that does not form part of such superior structure/class/elite.

 

 

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that looking at political actors as the ones to blame is futile since we are the ones that from the beginning of our existence accepted the idea of god/superior,  powers/ leaders and any other figure of power as ‘how society must function’ within the belief that we were incapable of taking care of ourselves, of genuinely understanding and exercising any form of self-governance – because we never pondered why we weren’t taking care of the matters of this world by our own hands – we became passive, complacent and subjugated to the laws, rules and regulations that we instead feared not following due to expecting any form of punishment for not doing so, instead of pondering why we had to follow rules that we inherently knew were not supportive every individual in equality and instead, gave into fear and decided to not question, not investigate, not challenge the way things are because in our own minds, we have never really been the actual director of our lives in every moment of breath, and instead gave ourselves into fear.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to integrate the belief that people in positions of power were ever placed in such positions to genuinely care for ourselves, to genuinely act in the best interest of all and within that, creating and developing a trust toward that which I believe was meant to ‘direct me in the best interest of all’ without realizing that this false conception has led us to believe that there were others taking care of ourselves and we then didn’t have to do anything about ourselves, understanding the structures by which our lives are governed – and instead focus on merely developing our individual lives accepting by default the limitation to ever aspire to get to any position of ‘power’ because in our education, in our comprehension of our reality such ‘realms of power’ were by default concealed of our understanding, leaving ourselves and conducting ourselves then to only conform, comply and ‘make the best’ of the limitations, the deliberate disparity and scarcity that we have lived in throughout our entire human history wherein as society, as human beings we have never coexisted as equals for we have always accepted and allowed the belief and idea that something or someone must be ‘on top,’ must be the one that ‘sets the rules,’ ‘makes the decisions’ and in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent and lazy to learn or even care to establish proper foundations at a mind level to know how to live, act and direct ourselves in the consideration of what will be best for myself and everyone else equally, what will not harm or abuse others, what will support the sustainability of the relationships that enable life to continue, the relationship toward oneself as an equal part of such life –  instead, we gave our ability to understand and comprehend the reality as physicality to the mind as the imposition of illusions made real through the violation of physical laws such as the notion of ‘power’ as something or someone “superior” defined by the ability to abuse, control, manipulate, deceive in self interest.

 

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the consequences that exist as the totality of this reality based on the abuse and harm justified and conducted by people in positions of power/authority acting within the framework of a ‘power structure’/ hierarchy/ world system,  not realizing that in such blind acceptance al of us, one by one, have played and become the silent bystander that has witnessed the abuse of each other, of all life and did nothing because we believed and justified it with saying that ‘someone else was responsible for it,’ and in this even becoming resentful, hostile, angry and rebellious toward authority without realizing that we have only been angry at ourselves for the ignorance, the complacency, the subordination that we accepted as ‘who we are’ in our belief of being incapable of ‘doing anything about it’ –

And yes, it is now ingrained to the point where it may seem impossible to deconstruct the foundation of this hierarchical structure that exists in every word in/as our mind, yet it is definitely possible to establish common sense, to understand basic living principles that benefit us all and as such go bit by bit, thread by thread deconstructing the fallacy, the lie, the fiction, the belief system, the knowledge and information that we have used to justify our abdication of self-responsibility to ourselves and all life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by condemning ‘the powers that be’ all that can be realized is how any and all forms of abuse and atrocities are not only conducted by the individual themselves, but as the pattern that has been accepted and allowed, integrated as part of our ‘human nature’ from the beginning of time wherein the way to survive was to abuse and through these survival mechanisms, we then followed through to create our institutions, our laws, our philosophy, our knowledge, our ethics and morals based on this premise wherein the inherent belief of hierarchy as a normal organization of life  has become our very self-created demise.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only through education about how the system operates, one is able to conduct change in the world, not realizing that this world as it is is the result of each individual’s participation in the system, as the system existing as the continuation of the past that exists within and as ourselves in the mind, harboring the basic premise and permission of the existence of direction as words in the form of knowledge and information that has never been existent to benefit the life of us all as human beings and our relationships toward everything that is equally here.

 

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to look at the balance of power to create solutions outside of myself, without realizing that even if the best laws, the greatest and most equal form of government is implemented it is only the structure, the foundation of  the system to be – however the actuality, the matter, the substance of the system is not existing in the laws which are only words, or in the positions of people in power that are only fulfilling a role within the greater scheme of such structure, it is existent in how each one of us live and interact with one another wherein basic principles are lacking in our interaction with and toward the environment/ the reality that we live in

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by defining myself as the mind that thinks in hierarchical values, impose such values, such perception, such frame and filter through which I see reality upon everything and everyone else, giving up my ability to see directly reality, to direct myself and focus on sheer basic observation principles where there are no tags, no inherent differences that can make us think or believe that some are entitled to be and have ‘more’ than others.

 

This is how knowledge and information on how the system is structured is only viewing a blueprint, the map, and the map can be corrected to follow new ways in which we can direct ourselves to a better destination – we are the ones that have to change the route in fact, we are the ones that have to direct ourselves to actually walk that process of changing the route, the ways to walk it or else the map as the words, as the new proposals, new treaties, new constitutions, new laws, new presidents, new monetary systems as organizational structures, as genuine representations of our self-governance and self-authority will be useless and remain as depictions, as representations or ‘dead print’ unless we genuinely live them, incarnate them as the living principles that we should have always lived by and is only now that we are able to see beyond the ‘mindframe’ that we’ve always existed as that we have the opportunity to change the way we conceive our reality, to understand how authority is not something imposed onto ourselves, but how each one of us accepted and allowed hierarchy to exist within and as ourselves first, otherwise it would have not been successful once such ‘authority figures/ powers that be’ would be created i n reality if we didn’t have the proper mindset to understand, to conceive and comply to the existence of such authority-figures/roles as part of our reality, as ‘how things are,’ never questioning why we required others to take care of ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through the blind acceptance of teachings/education as the integration of ‘how things work in reality’ I became a complicit in the malfunctioning, the abuse and the violation of life in the name of merely complying and not questioning my life nor that of others which means that through this blind acceptance I became part of the necessary continuation, perpetuation of the structures of power and abuse by the sheer integration of words such as power, government, authority, control, fear, justice, laws, education, family and all roles of ‘authority’ contained in them as ‘how things work,’ ‘who I am toward others’ and in this locking myself down as just another pawn within the system that gives power away to others in the belief of others caring for myself and guarding my best interests, which is as we know not at all so.

 

I realize that in order to conduct genuine change in this world, looking at politics, looking at economics, looking at education as isolated systems is not the way to create a change because change won’t happen just by re-writing the laws, codes, books and explaining how things operate to everyone because what matters is the decision that each one of us take in order to live and integrate the living principles of life in equality with which we will conduct ourselves to live the necessary changes and corrections to the way in which we have lived thus far.

 

I realize that the lack of common sense and living principles is what has propitiated our submission and compliance to “learning” how to view this world through the mind, through concepts, through value structures, through hierarchical orders instead of learning how to view each individual as an equal, each living being in this reality as part of who we are and as such realizing that in order to be able to organize ourselves, to direct ourselves, we don’t require another to tell us what to do, but instead we have to live by principles of no harm or abuse toward ourselves or others as well as self-responsibility as our ability to respond, to act, to direct ourselves and our lives in consideration of what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself viewing the power structures in this world as something greater than myself, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is the outflow and consequence of my own psychological conditioning, called education which is nothing else but the acquisition of knowledge and information that enables me to accept and allow any form of authority, abuse, power, to exist in this world as ‘how things are’ which is thus an individual process of compliance that has taken place wherein we have learned how to ‘cope with the system’ and ‘accept the status quo’ instead of directly seeing how and why we have come to accept such world-orders without a question, to begin with, and realizing how such ‘power’ only exists in the belief I have imposed upon them/upon the structure and system in itself the moment that I abdicated my own.

 

I realize that my understanding of reality through the filters of education, politics, economics, philosophy, religion has created the entire continuation of this entire system by living within the compliance of their existence as dogma, as how things are and operate, how everything has always been with which we have become passive participants in the continuation of the same cycles of negligence toward life, over and over and over again.

 

I commit myself to stop any experience when I believe I have no say upon/ have no power/ have no authority to direct a point, instead of realizing that we can only have power to direct ourselves to be the living example of what it is to live in consideration of all beings as equal, the best living forms and ways in which we can coexist and how if our reality, our creation is not existing as the living principles that correspond to what is best for all, then we have to become that change and promote that change through the understanding of individual/ self’s responsibility within it all, realizing that by abdicating our responsibility = we give our power away and as such, we directly enable and validate any form of abuse that comes with the structure of power as something greater/superior than our individual volition.

 

I commit myself to live by principles that contemplate and integrate life in equality, what is best for all at all times so that no division, no separation, no judgment, no proselytism exists within me other than the living example of what it is to live by principles of life in equality, of the equality within and as everything that is here as myself and as such understanding my own mind, my own ‘brainwashing’, my own conditioning, training and point of control to then see how it is only through changing the way that I relate to myself, to my own mind, to my own thoughts and concepts about reality to go seeing what is useful and what isn’t to support myself and others to realize that if we want change, we have to be the change but that isn’t about demanding or only understanding how things operate, but focusing on self change, the how I live, how I interact with myself as my body and mind and with others always considering the ways in which we can coexist in real harmony and peace by ceasing to exist in the belief of powers over ourselves .

 

I commit myself to realize that the power we all have exists as the functionality of the physical body in every breath, and how we are able to have that authority of and as ourselves as we go integrating living principles that are the genuine way to have power in this reality, to learn how to live and coexist In equality.

 

I commit myself to restore or integrate a sound meaning of words that are not tainted by the mindframes/structures within which they have been originally constructed to support belief systems of separation and inequality, but instead are words that can be lived in a sound manner with a certain living outcome that is best for all.

 

I commit myself to understand the systems through which we have separated ourselves from ourselves, how we have created this creation so that we cease to recreate the same patterns and instead plan/integrate/initiate and ‘install’ a new living program, a new set of directions, new living instructions that are aligned to taking responsibility of ourselves and of each other as one and equal.

 

“Remember, whatever is faced or created within self – self is and has been the creator. Do not live in fear of what is here, understand it, realise self as it and assert yourself to stand-up for change, to not expose others as you to such a world – but create a world in which they will be embraced with equality and oneness and actual living”
– Bernard Poolman

 

We accepted and allowed it

“We accepted it”

 

 

For Self-Education:

 

 

Investigate:


221. Insanity as a Fear turned into Fascination

Continuing with: 220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

First point: How did I come to link Drug Culture with Mad people as a point of fascination?

– Personal Story/ Characterization of the Black Sheep/Crazy person that supports Crazy People:

By Fascination I mean something that intrigues you, something that you cannot be certain of but containing ‘something’ that is mostly not broadly understood, acceptable, comprehensible, normal and having no ‘cure’ for it. And all of this formed part of all the various mysteries that I would always be fascinated to talk about, which is like a generational thing: all things occult, paranormal, mysterious, extraterrestrial, inexplicable events, myths and whatever it is that would cause me a point of Fascination as an energetic experience that I can describe as Adrenaline.  Where does adrenaline come from? Fear.

Yesterday I wrote that I didn’t quite know where this fascination comes from, so I got a perspective on how it was simply a point of Fear that I had turned into a fascination. I definitely see the point as there was an energetic movement that I realized I had to walk through first in order to be able to tell the story, walk the Self Forgiveness without holding onto the Experience that I imprinted on all these memories. Even the drawing I placed on yesterday’s post indicated the way to follow up: I fear going insane – which is a real thought in my mind that has existed at times and I bet that all human beings have had this thought at some point in their lives. To me such fear indicated how the moment I could not make sense of insanity, I turned it into a fascination, which is a very simple polarity mechanism of the mind to turn love into hate and vice versa, all for the sake of creating a relationship of conflict toward something/ someone. That insanity became what I realized would be linked to a sense of freedom – e.g. when I was a kid and ‘act all crazy’ and how I would have fun for causing a shock to my family, I mean this was quite a common way for me to behave, lol, and it was all because of the energetic experience. 

It was exactly a month ago that I began gathering information about this topic and so I got several points listed related to insanity/ drugs as a point of self definition. Therefore, this will be quite a ride since I can see a lot of the personality I had become was linked to this and may still be seeping through at times.

 

Hence this entire topic will be divided in two: Insanity and Drug Culture.

– I begin with insanity and my childhood years.

When I was a child, I would go into extreme temper tantrums, I’ve explained this before when talking about anger, getting possessed to the point wherein I would vibrate my whole body and I absolutely get till this day this chilling sensation on the left arm when recalling the energy and pain in the back of my head, occipital point right side. So, what comes up to mind is that when I would possess myself within these tantrums, I would mostly end up being alone in what was then my parent’s room and my mother would come in and be all angry at me for being throwing a tantrum,  I remember her eyes being absolutely wide open and then saying something along the lines of me being really crazy for being possessed with such anger/ in such tantrum. So, this word was connected to this shock that I would put myself into within this anger possession and her calling me crazy would only fuel this entire possession like a spiteful mode of ‘Oh you’re calling me crazy eh? well here we go, I’ll get as crazy as I can’ and so end up really just crying my heart out and feeling my body just go into this absolute energetic possession wherein I would feel every single part of my body going into a frenzy, anger in the utmost expression’ – I would only take this to a certain point because: I feared dying. Yes, I feared that my heart would stop and I would get a heart attack for tensing up my body that much, so I would only calm myself down out of guilt for what I realized I was doing to my body, I could feel what a draining experience it was for it and so I would stop out of regret, shame and feeling overall miserable and sad toward myself and ‘asking forgiveness’ to my body at the end, regretting the whole act, but not learning from it as I would then repeat the same some other times…  I would be alone when all of this would happen since my mother or father would mostly close the door after themselves whenever I was in such a state of possession. All of this I’m pretty sure would happen when I was 5, 6 or 7.  And this is as far as I can see I linked insanity with fear due to my anger possessions.

Later on whenever we would see ‘crazy people’ like vagrants on the street, my mother would take me by the hand and walk across the street or deliberately change our path/way to not go directly past the ‘crazy person.’ She was afraid of them and so I obviously picked up the fear toward them, ending up fearing being called crazy person, like them  – initially – which later on turned into the opposite point.

 

Another aspect is how whenever I would be exalted/ angry for any little thing in my world – listen to the short fused life review to listen to what I would mostly go through my life – my mother would have this joking-way of dealing with me and so she would start patting my back, caressing my back but she said something about such movement been done to ‘calm crazy people when going through an attack’ – and so I would then dislike her doing that because of her then doing it within the starting point of calling me ‘crazy’ and as such, being considered a ‘crazy person’ which I feared/ disliked. I took it absolutely personal and too serious so I would react to her in further anger whenever she tried to touch me again when I was angry.

The same situation would happen with my father, whenever he was absolutely angry and my mother would try and calm him down. What happens in this situation is that one is so possessed with anger that someone kind of making fun of your experience or ‘not taking it seriously’ = not ‘buying’ and in a way not supporting the mind’s tantrum, only fueled the anger because us in the mind is like ‘come on you have to get all fearful because I am Angry!’ – just like demons instigating deliberate fear around the people that are in the presence of a demon possession, which is what I’ve learned from the recent interviews by MyKey Demons in the Afterlife.  So, I essentially would do the same he did until my mother would not handle it and end up reacting in anger as well.  And so I would exacerbate the anger even further, until I would decide that I had been angry enough time for the day.

 

And so this ‘crazy’ person point became a relationship within myself toward my mother mostly wherein I would later on try and prove that I was ‘in fact’ crazy for liking, saying, doing the things I would do, which weren’t real shocking but always containing some form of instigation toward a reaction, as I would feed off from her reactions toward my actions, way of behaving, doing, living, preferences, etc. just the deliberate process of creating a point of conflict within her wherein I would get a kick out of ‘not following her ways’ and becoming that which I thought she feared me becoming.

Now things have changed obviously as I’ve walked my process and realized more and more how my relationship toward here was based on this antagonism to create a point of conflict within her and myself. Till this day she calls me loca as a nickname, which is only a remnant of everything that I lived out in order to seem outrageous for her/ my family, which is why I then went into finding out more about everything that was feared as insanity and drug addicts mostly. So, I essentially created a ‘fascination’ for some of the key aspects that I would hear my parents fearing: insanity and drug addicts as mentally instable people, as some sort of scum of society.

There you go, my antagonist/ rebellious character then formed according to creating a likeness/ being fascinated with that which was feared, being curious about that which you cannot understand, that which is not openly talked about – at least not at home or in y immediate environment – which were insanity and later on drugs.

 

This will continue.

 

Self Forgiveness on the First aspect of this entire point which is Insanity/ Craziness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear going crazy when I was a child due to how I learned that insanity was something to be feared and that I could in fact end up being sent to a mental hospital, which would exist as a joke within my family of ‘dropping me at El Batán’ which became like similar to threatening me with the boogie man.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in absolute fear literal petrification that one time that I was taking pictures around the pyramid in Cholula, and the mental hospital is right behind, and so as I was walking around, I heard a woman screaming ‘Let me out! Let me Out” and so her screams became this chilling experience of absolute fear within me, wherein I realized that I actually feared ever being in such a place that I had only ‘idealized’ from what one read in books or watches in movies.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience powerlessness toward ‘insane people,’ while feeling sorry for them being ‘locked up’ and at the same time fearing me being in such a place ever in my life.

 

I realize that I understand now why such type of absolute actual crazy people – not self-made crazy people, which is another story – were actually system-integration errors within the physical body, wherein the mind would not develop appropriately, leading to a physical development as ‘usual’ but the mind creating a point of instability/ malfunction leading to mental impairment or insanity – For further support to understand this which was actually a cool explanation to make sense of people with mental problems Life Review – A Child’s Mind in an Adult Body.

 

 

DSC00478_001
View from standing outside ‘El Batán’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep this picture as ‘special’ because it was taken right after I heard that woman screaming ‘let me out’ and imprinting it as an entire memory that I recall as  a point of fear but at the same time linked to the entire emotional aspect that I had lived out within myself toward gloomy-looking trees and sunsets, making it a ‘perfect memory’ of fear, enjoyment and whatnot as a Mindfuckism example of that which I accepted and allowed myself to be defined by.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in fact ‘fascinated’ with insanity and/or drugs, without realizing how it was only me creating a relationship of likeness/ preference/ desire toward that which I feared and learned to fear through the memories of my childhood and the reactions I would pick up on people as in fearing insane people, drug addicts and within that, not getting any further information as to ‘why’ they were crazy or why they would take drugs in the first place.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am fascinated and curious by that which points out insanity or drug addictions, the inexplicable human behavior – I stop and I breathe – I realize that any point that I create a fascination toward is just a relationship of fear that I have built up based on knowledge and information and as such, I direct myself to breathe and equalize myself to that which I have built a ‘fascination’ toward, ensuring I stop all participation in any form of energetic experience that I have deemed as fascination –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link ‘fascination’ to an energetic experience of extensive fear as adrenaline, as something that ‘I like’ which is not Me really liking such energetic experience as something ‘positive’ but it is who I am as the mind creating a relationship of fascination toward that which I could not understand and was feared instead. Which is how I developed later on fascinations toward the occult, mysteries, ghosts, spiritualism, dead people, and everything that would be usually ‘feared’ due to being labeled ‘insane’ or ‘abnormal’ and defining myself as ‘liking’ that which was not broadly acceptable.

 

When and as I see myself creating an energetic experience of adrenaline when participating with something/someone that I have considered as insane, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me morphing the fear into a fascination thus I stop participating in fear and instead, equalize myself to the physicality of the moment here as breath to ensure I remain here as breath when interacting, reading, hearing, watching anything related to insanity.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something ‘special’ in crazy people wherein I then thought that being crazy was an equivalent to being ‘sane’ in this mad world – crazy people being ‘more free’ and expressive from anything that was implanted as a point to be feared or not done in our society, which is how I would veer toward ‘craziness’ as only a desire to become that in a very moderated way, simply because of knowing that my parents feared crazy people and that crazy people were mostly relegated from society – and as such, me wanting to be ‘special’ in a way for being crazy as a form of positive experience and self definition in he mind.

 

When and as I see myself believing that crazy people were special in a way due to not abiding to the social norms and rules and as such, being ‘out of the programming’ in one way or another – I stop and I breathe – I realize that craziness/ insanity is a word that only points out what we have all been and participated within in our day to day living in this world, and that as such there has been no sanity that we could find within ourselves as humanity as a whole yet.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people as ‘crazy’ based on what the medical societies would define a person was, which then became a pejorative word to call a person that would be dealing with any form of mental instability.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my fascinations based on that which I knew would bother my mother, father and family in general, wherein I then veered to become the opposite of everything that I assessed they were ‘all about,’ and this being the beginning of me as the opposition/ rebellious/ antagonistic character that I later on became fascinated with as a point of energetic experience due to how I would identify with people that were insane or the fascination toward drugs as a sense of ‘freedom’ – hence linking ‘freedom’ to insanity/ drug cultures as everything that would be opposed to what I learned was prohibited, unspoken at home which was then ‘restriction/ fear’ linked to insanity and drug cultures among other perverse state of minds that were a taboo within society.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to ‘act crazy’ to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wanting to create some form of distress within her just for the sake of having the power to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately shape, mold and create a personality based on everything which I thought and believed my mother would fear me liking/ becoming, in essence becoming everything that I knew would piss her off, just because ‘I could’ and just because I wanted to instill a point of conflict in her life as the actual evil point that exists within/ as myself as the mind that seeks conflict and friction to survive.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame my mother for all the fears that I acquired through her, not realizing that I was the one that accepted and allowed such fears to become part of my self definition, and that I continued acting upon them, later on using them as a way to become that which she feared as a point of ‘power’ over her, because of knowing that I could instigate fear within her for being/ becoming or liking things that she mostly would fear or reject. Again, this within the principle of me as the mind only seeking friction and conflict to be able to continue existing as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to grow up believing that I could understand what an insane people would feel like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘fascination’ toward the pictures that I saw – not long ago- in an exhibition of a public photography archive of La Castañeda, which was the most ‘famous’ mental hospital here in Mexico City, and these pictures were taken around the 50’s and creating an energetic experience while watching them of fear/ fascination as well as sadness and condescendence while watching these pictures of the people, the place and their drawings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could deal with insane people easily just because of me apparently being able to ‘understand’ them, which is only me wanting to get close to that which I remember I had to fear/ stay away from while growing up in my family. Therefore

When and as I see myself believing that I am able to understand insane people – I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘insane people’ can only exist as a definition of people in my mind according to a particular character that people have deliberately become in/as the mind, which is Not who the real being is – thus I ensure that I equalize myself to who and what the being really is in order to not look at the character they are representing and creating a point of empathy Toward the Character, but instead, assist and support myself to bring out/ equalize myself to the Being that is real, that is physically here as an equal. Within this also ensuring that I stop any form of condescendence as a projected victimization toward people that are being considered ‘insane’ nowadays, and believing that they require a ‘hand’ – not realizing that  as long as such beings are not directly deciding for themselves to support themselves first and foremost, I cannot possibly play the savior toward ‘them.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘crazy/ loco’ with a pejorative way to call a person as well as a flattering word to be called as, wherein I had linked first ‘crazy/ loco’ with a reaction of fear that later on turned into a fascination, hence accepting and allowing myself to feel almost ‘flattered’ whenever my mother calls me ‘loca’ which means crazy woman, which is obviously only a nickname that I realize I had reacted to in a positive manner due to how I had defined crazy people as Free from the social conditioning that we are all a part of,  within this

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ‘joy’ toward the deliberately/jokingly exaggerated automated actions that my father would do whenever he’s in a rush and doing things and getting everything ‘done’ as fast as he can, wherein he tends to act a bit aloof and ‘crazy’ which is an aspect I created a fondness toward, like saying ‘hey look that’s where I got it from’  – which is just a point of getting attention for behaving in a particular aloof manner, as a ‘joke’ or humoristic way of being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a point of identification with my father for his ‘crazy ideas’ lol and as such believing that ‘I knew what  he would go through’ whenever my mother would bring him ‘back to Earth’ and I would take such action as a repression/ suppression, which was at times so – lol – but I then used it as a way to ‘team up’ against my mother and developing an entire personality that I have walked sufficiently on a mind construct which is now pretty clear how the fear/ antagonism toward my mother also carries the words ‘crazy’ as a relationship formed of me presenting traits that my father had, wherein I saw how she would react the same way toward me when I presented myself/ spoke in a ‘crazy way’ just to get a kick out of her reacting to our craziness.

 

Lol I remember when riding in the car and talking about aliens/ UFO’s and my father saying that he wanted to be alien abducted and how I would say ‘yes! yes! me too!’ and my father would continue rambling about that and saying how we would both go there and live with extraterrestrial beings etc. etc. and my mother would only say and repeat ‘you are both Really crazy’ and how we would fuel that point of friction and conflict more and more.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘insanity’ as a fear instilling process toward my mother and any other person on the street whenever I want to create a point of conflict/ friction within them, and as such, deliberately doing acts wherein I would get a energetic kick out of doing that which was not ‘normal’ or that I considered wasn’t normal at the eyes of others, hence getting an experience out of ‘transcending’ my own fears toward insanity in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy my father’s mechanism of presenting himself as overtly ‘honest’ at times as a means to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wherein he would exaggerate things to blow them out of proportion so that my mother would react in a restrictive manner toward his behavior and hearing her say ‘(name of father’ you are really crazy’ – lol – and from there forming this condescending experience toward my father like ‘I know what you FEEL like, I’ve been there myself’ – not realizing that I am simply representing the exact same patterns he’s had throughout his life in both anger and a bit of aloofness which I had created as a mix of, precisely, fear and fascination in my mind like a fondness toward him due to what I would also experience within myself as what I perceived was similar to His experience.

 

When and as I see myself being fond of my father’s aloofness and tantrums, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this fondness that I have created toward him can only exist if I continue to see him only as that ‘craziness’ pattern that I became fond of due to standing as a point of friction and conflict that we could inflict within my mother and as such, creating an entire character about this particular experience of retaliating toward my mother due to the inherent friction and conflict I experienced toward her as ‘my mother’ and the corrective-person toward all my personal ‘treats’ that would give me an energetic kick, which was everything that she would judge and ‘go against’ throughout my life, not realizing that all those choices I made were essentially part of the character that I became to oppose everything she would see as acceptable, just to create and perpetuate a point of conflict within me/ my life and hers and call this ‘freedom/ rebelling against oppression’.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief that my father would act aloof/ crazy as a deliberate way to instigate attention and conflict within others, which is nothing else but becoming a character in order to get some attention from others as a point of specialness/ outrageousness which is mostly considered as plain ‘crazy’ or ‘abnormal,’ which I equated to ‘freedom’ and ‘expression.’ From here creating the whole idea that I was a crazy person because I would not want to abide to social norms and I wanted to deliberately instigate a point of shock within people whenever I could as a way to gain attention, recognition, specialness, uniqueness, the ideal ‘free being’ type of expression which was all linked to this entire construct of initially having feared insanity, then using it as a way to instigate conflict in others which would give me an energetic experience in the mind that would confirm: I am a crazy person/ I am abnormal/ I am special/ I am misunderstood/ I do not fear breaking the rules – and all this ‘antagonist/ rebellious/ black sheep’ character that I became throughout my life in my family and environment in a very moderate way, but very ‘ingrained’ as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience of adrenaline whenever I would do something that was deliberately ‘outrageous’ just for the sake of triggering a reaction within Others – which points out how if I had no people around me to instill a reaction within, I would have mostly not played out these characters at all as there is no point in acting like that whenever I am alone – hence realizing that everything that I created of myself as a ‘crazy character’ was just a way to get attention, be opposed, step out of the rules, be perceived as free and expressive and mostly instigate a point of conflict within my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to keep this specific way of being that can be labeled as ‘crazy’ and a bit autistic at times when being alone or walking through the streets whenever I want to protect myself from any potential threat – due to being alone/ walking alone – and present myself in a particular way wherein I expect people to believe that I am crazy and that I am ‘not worthy’ of assaulting or robbing as in me being deranged or possibly dangerous toward them.

When and as I see myself going through the streets and wanting to deliberately present a physical expression of being a bit crazy or deranged with certain attitudes like looking at the wall or moving my hands or walking too fast or looking ‘aloof’ in order to protect myself, I stop and I breathe – I realize that these attitudes are stemming from fear – and as such, I direct myself to act, be here and walk as breath without participating in any point in my mind wherein a point of perceived threat is activated when and while walking.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not deliberately brush my hair when I had hair as a way to denote ‘look, I am crazy, do not get close’ lol – which became part of the entire eccentric personality later on linked to the artistic character that I’ve also walked within this process.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever look at ‘crazy people’ or even autistic people with a certain ‘fascination’ and trying to understand them/ support them somehow which was an entire experience of fear turned into adrenaline whenever this happened, which I equated as fascination, becoming only a mind fixation of sorts due to the fear that I actually experienced toward them and transforming that fear into a fascination which in no way is it in fact assisting and supporting myself and others to step out of our fears, prejudices and definitions toward one another as physical human beings and within this, supporting  ourselves to stop existing only as characters that we’ve become in the mind, and instead focus on supporting one another to become physical living beings.

 

I realize that all of this is knowledge and information that served only a single purpose: to limit myself within a particular energetic relationship and experience as the mind, instead of equalizing myself as the physicality that we all are as human beings. Thus

 

I commit myself to stop all self-definitions as an energetic imprint within me linked to insanity/ craziness/ aloofness that I have linked to a point of freedom and apparent ‘fascination’ within the understanding that it all stemmed out of fear and familial relationships linked to reactions in the mind. Thus, I equalize myself as the physical here wherein no definitions can exist as ‘who I am’ or ‘what I like’ – but simply assisting and supporting myself to be and become the actual living-being that I am and that stops energetic experiences toward words, pictures and memories that are related to the ‘insanity’-fascination character.

 

I commit myself to continue debunking this point of insanity as fear as a point of apparent ‘fascination’ as only one of the aspects that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a character in the mind, which is nothing else but an energetic self-definition that only feeds the entire personality of ‘who I am’ as the mind. Thus, I walk this process in order to stop any form of ‘minute’ experiences that I have linked to this particular character of insanity-fascination and support myself to equalize myself as breath, as the physical that I am in reality.

 

In the Equal Money System there will be education based on understanding how the mind functions, in order to be able to direct and educate all beings to correct any predisposition to veer toward the acting out of the mind instead of the physicality. The patterns will be able to be corrected as a physical process with specific support and assistance to also deal with anyone that may present any form of mental instability that could represent an actual threat to the community/ society.

 

Further support:

 

From the Book: 

Equal Money – Future of Money – Volume 1

 

Interviews:

 

Blogs:


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