Tag Archives: remorse

575. Giving Myself the Green Light

Or daring to transcend self-imposed limitations (fears) and learning about myself in doing so

I’ve been reflecting on the various ways that I had abdicated my own authority and existed in a ‘waiting mode’ expecting something or someone to become an ‘authority’ in my life to give me the ‘green light’ so to speak to do certain things, to validate my capabilities and in essence expecting some form of ‘external proof’ of who I am/what I am capable of living and doing. I’ve seen this has been in part influenced due to at a very deep level not wanting to embrace the full responsibility that comes with taking the steps, the actions to be something/create something and ‘giving myself permission’ and paving the path to walk upon and in essence live out the outflows of that point of creation.

The same comes when deciding to live a word for example, where a slight expectation or fear comes when thinking and believing that ‘Oh well now I have to ‘live up to my words’ and apply myself in changing this/that in my life’ as if that was something to fear myself not being capable of doing, not being able to follow through with or fearing failing on it from the get go, which is a self-sabotage mechanism where I would instead rather ‘not go there at all’ as in not declaring for myself ‘I’m going to finally change this/that in my life’ because of already fearing not being able to ‘keep up with it’ from the get go… wow! That’s quite a fuck up, isn’t it? Giving up and believing one can’t actually do something that is assessed in self-honesty as the best way to live within ourselves, in our lives.  Or, believing that something/someone else should give us that ‘permission’ to do so, to give us that confirmation that we can in fact go ahead and change, expand, grow, test and try new things. Yep, been there and done that all the way and I’ve seen how more and more I appreciate the ability to be left ‘in the darkness’ in relation to many things where I had to then push myself to give myself direction and ‘give life’ to things, projects, outcomes in my life.

I looked at this notion of ‘waiting for the catalyst’ in my life as explained in this awesome Eqafe.com audio Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review, which I can relate to. I’ve also had different people in my life that I defined as ‘authorities’ or ‘influences’ over me that in one way or another gave me that confidence and reassurance for me to ‘go ahead!’ and do something that I was eternally doubting myself capable of doing. Now, it’s not like I should ‘not’ need this ‘at all’, there’s always a time and place for everything in life and I consider we all need that ‘pat on the back’ to ‘go for it’ in many ways. Though there also comes a point in life where I realize I have to stop waiting for this ‘external catalyst’ to exist for me and instead give myself the authority to do it, to have the ability to discern who I am/where I am and how I am currently living in my life and what kind of things I can test out, place into application or what I am ‘ready to do’ based on how I see myself.  

So, I saw how self-doubt for example has been a constant in me that still emerges in any creative process and upon noticing it, all I can do is give myself that green light myself and test something out, take the risk, being ok with mistakes, learning from myself in those moments where I see that I’d like some kind of reassurance about something being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ so, in a way learning to step out of my own judgment, morality and fears in order to reassure that self-authority – which is not a position of superiority or authoritarianism, but rather a full disclosure of self-responsibility and accountability that comes with what I decide to be, create and do something differently as part of my change, and in my case specifically not limiting myself through fears.

An example here is that upon my last blog, a part of me later on went into doubt if it was sounding ‘too egotistical’ in a way, or if I was placing myself on a pedestal or if others could read me as being arrogant etc.… which are all judgments that I’ve had towards myself as the result of me having placed way too much value on ‘how others see me’ and leading to self-compromise – all of it being fueled by fears and self-doubt. So, I decided to not go into self-doubt and instead stick to my words, if it causes a consequence and I have to face it, that’s awesome, I can learn from it. If I can get feedback from someone giving me another perspective I’ve missed in it that would be awesome too, I can then consider how it is being read by others and see what I can align within myself about it.

However, going through the road of ‘rather not saying it/doing it/challenging myself to declare it because I fear I cannot live up to my words’ is definitely no longer the way for me, because I’ve seen how much I have limited myself in my life, my time and compromising me based on this notion that I had to keep myself at a ‘very basic level’ to not stand up in my ‘full potential’ in a moment, which again is not an idea of ‘almightiness’ but simply giving that ‘best that I can’ in my day to day, and not settling for the least which is what I see I can apply this creative authority in my life: giving myself the ‘permission’ in a way, being the only one that can in fact do so in my life and be my own motivation, where I don’t keep waiting for something/someone to give a reassurance of who I am/what I do in order to move, create, test things out, change, expand and explore.

I consider it will be the other way around where once I have given myself that ‘green light’ and actually ‘put myself out there’ as it’s said, then I can get feedback and take it into consideration, but to not limit myself based on what I believe I should ‘be given by others’ in order for me to move. Who else ‘should’ do it but myself/ourselves!? And that’s an aspect that implies daring to take risks, being ok if I fuck something up, if I make mistakes, if I find I’m deviating from principles, if I see that I’m going back to ‘old ways’ that are not supportive = all of that is entirely on me and able to be assessed in self-honesty – and I would eventually know through how I create and live my life and the results thereof if it is effective/supportive or not.

All I have is then myself, my responsibility, the tools of developing personal insight and self-investigation through self-honesty and self-forgiveness in order to get myself back on track if I ‘lose my way’ as well – and any other additional support/reference from others which is I’d say greatly needed in this process as cross-reference and feedback to fine tune and align myself – however the rest is entirely up to me: being my starting point, my motivation, going for it in the full expression it implies, because I know I would greatly regret not doing so later on in my life.

So, ‘daring’ to step out of this self-conditioning and self-compromise into a personal stance of ‘this is me, this is who I am, this is what I do’ and fully own it. That’s a supportive way to live self-authority and creative authority, where I can practically walk through the fear of making mistakes or fear of not being ‘accurate’ in something and instead, learn from it, grow within it and nurture myself from such experiences, instead of getting to a point in my life where I regret ‘not having given myself the authority to do so.’ No matter where one is in one’s life, it’s never too late to consider ‘going for it’ and expanding our horizons this way.

Thanks for reading.

Suggested audios for more support:

Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review

Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review – Part 2

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


446.Facing our Dark Self: For the New to Grow, the Old Must Go

 

Self honesty is not nice or beautiful – Bernard Poolman

 

Facing the dark self or the ‘real nature of ourselves’ that we keep hidden and well wrapped behind a usual seemingly ‘good’ portrayal of ourselves is something that can be a bit tough to do or even understand for some that are not yet in a process of walking and understanding the process of self-honesty, yet at the same time I’m sure there are people in this world that are quite in contact with themselves and through investigating their within and without behind layers of self-deception, might have found that there is no connection between the idea that we like to keep of ourselves as ‘good people’ and our creations, which are our lives, our relationships and the state of this world.

 

The consequences we are facing overall in our lives personally and collectively show us that ‘the image of goodness’ we like to keep of ourselves is merely that, an image, a façade for the most part because in reality, the proof is in the pudding: we have not really created a world any of us can be genuinely and entirely proud of.

 

If we were genuinely ‘good’ we would not be currently waking up to the need for change and better ourselves in a plethora of aspects, and this is yes maybe still a fraction of the population that is looking at it in a direct manner, but over the years it has now become a normal thing to talk about change and bettering our world, self-improvement, changing our ‘ways’ in our lives. There is this general awareness that ‘we must do something’ because the very life in our bodies and so on Earth is in danger due to our skewed ways of ‘living’ in this world.

 

Why do I write ‘living’? because we actually haven’t learned to live in a way that assists our lives and life in general, we have only existed as an existential consequential outflow that has become our current reality, where we mostly complain, blame and see the problem ‘outside of ourselves’ but rarely do we ever dare to see where the nature of the problem resides: within oneself first of all.

 

Recently a new phase in this process has opened up where there will be more openings and explanations on this ‘dark self’ nature, to start seeing and rather un-covering up all of those aspects of ourselves that we have suppressed, neglected, denied, hid, judged and dissociated ourselves from, not wanting to look at and investigate all the seemingly ‘negative’ or ‘bad’ or ‘plain awful’ in ourselves. However, we haven’t really noticed how this ‘opening of eyes’ – perhaps the actual ‘apocalypse’ as in removing of the veil’ of our eyes to really see ourselves – that is taking place individually and collectively is a very necessary yes, ‘bitter truth’ or ‘uncomfortable truth’ phase that we have to wake up to and step into in order to from there, in firm ground and after facing one’s own ‘personal demons’ start taking the necessary steps to change and reverse the self-destructive trend we have been living up to in our lives, within and without.

It’s a actually a mindfully smart trap of self-sabotage, where we don’t realize that through digging out these points and ‘placing them on the table’ for us to see and become aware of, it is not merely doing so for shock value or to add on more judgment in the form of seeing how ‘bad we really are’ and create a drama about it, nope. We bring these points to the surface to understand them.

This is such a pivotal word: understanding, a key one I’d say when it comes to everything that we are facing in our lives and in our process – individually and globally – where we get terrified at the ‘horrors’ that are taking place in our day to day lives, but we keep it at that ‘shock value’ and squirm about it, become sad about it, become angry at others for it, but… do we actually take a moment to reflect on the nature of what’s going on ‘outside’ of ourselves and see how it is a reflection of all of the stuff we have left to ‘rot’ in the back of our minds, with no awareness, no direction and no solution given to it all, but only creating consequences that affect us all? Well, now that most of us have done it for lifetimes on, it is about time that we all get to know that it is through self-investigation as in writing it out, self-forgiving it and in doing so developing self-honesty to realize the responsibility we have toward ourselves and everything/everyone that is equally here, that we in fact take the reins of our lives because we will understand ‘why’ we did what we did, why we became what we became, why we are walking this process right now and at the same time apply all the necessary tools of self-support that we can use to lay out a plan, what to do from here, ‘where to go from here’ too, which is to create ourselves in a way that we are of course willing to live with for the rest of our existence.

 

Being unconditional throughout this ‘self-discovery’ process is also important which is to not expect a result or ‘something’ out of this exercise, but only doing so as a way to see oneself with a pair of eyes of self-understanding to then create self-awareness and so then see where we need to ‘work on ourselves’ in order to do the next steps to truly create a change within that lasts, that is real and genuine.

 

I’ve also seen how in our minds, we just don’t really want to ‘face the music’ meaning, diving into and uncovering these usually hidden, closed up, buried aspects of ourselves because: of how we judge them! What I’ve seen is that we don’t realize that stepping into this momentarily ‘uncomfortable’ spot of ‘facing the music’ is in fact a phase, a momentary yet necessary step to start seeing the reality of ourselves in order to create anything new as an improved version of ourselves within and so without.

 

As the saying goes: ‘In order to build the new, the old must go’ and sometimes we believe that we can start a process of change by only ‘tip-toeing’ around it, only doing bits here and there on the surface, stuff that is not really ‘too revealing’ or too seemingly ‘compromising’ to one’s idea of self, which is usually that of being a ‘good person’… instead of realizing that such stance toward one’s self-investigation and self-change process will only prolong everything, because if one really wants to plant a ‘new seed,’ one has to completely uproot the old/dying plants/trees and make space to grow the new. So, the same way one goes uprooting the old trees, removing the weeds, sometimes finding rotting stuff around and essentially just like with any cleaning process of an ‘old storage place’ or even one’s closet at times – lol –  it can be a bit of a nightmare. One looks at the ‘whole of the work to be done’ and it’s like we immediately want to cover our eyes, pretend it’s not there, procrastinate or postpone getting to clean it up, create a resistance to ‘get on with the cleaning process’… and I see this whole process of facing the ‘deep dark corridors’ of ourselves and directing ourselves to look more in the face of our real truth as that process where we start ‘the clean up’ and sure, it’s not nice at the beginning, even more so if one has just used one space up as a form of mental dumpster, but for now imagine it as a physical storage space where everything seems to be clogged around with trash and things to dispose, things to clean up and re-use, going through a selective process of what stays, what needs to go, what needs to be fixed…. I actually did that some months ago in one storage area and yes, it wasn’t fun at first, it didn’t take ‘5 minutes’ either, but it was worth it, because now the space is more in order and usable as well.

The same then applies to facing this ‘dark self:’ opening up ourselves to see our ‘real nature’ that we might not even be aware of yet – in certain cases –  might not be such a pleasant thing to do, might not be a ‘ride in the park’ either but it is also a momentary phase, a needed phase if one truly wants to ‘let go of the old in order to allow the new to flourish.’ I mean it’s common sense really, one doesn’t really want to start cooking in dirty pots, one would not want to have one’s body full of viruses in the moment of deciding to get pregnant and have a baby in, one would not want one’s room to be having dirty clothes lying around and pests forming from food residues while one tries to place on a new carpet and bed on top of it…. Same goes for our minds.

 

And this is not something that will only take the ‘personal clean-up’ either and be done with it, no, this goes hand in hand with at the same time and as we face our deep fears, secrets, grudges, personal traits, envies, guilt, sadness, depression, anger, hatred, cheatings, betrayals etc. at the same time we also hold those points now in our hands, in front of our face in the form of writing and self-forgiveness in order to become aware of it: we no longer create a relationship of avoidance, of fear and judgment toward it, but instead we learn to embrace it entirely because, it is in fear and judgment that we in fact separate ourselves from all of the ‘dark self’ and keep it locked in a seemingly nice suitcase that we drag along throughout our lives, like a heavy load of ‘dirty laundry’ that one carries as the ‘who I am in my secret mind’ without actually going and doing the laundry.

This is an analogy to explain how we need to start ‘doing our laundry’ for once and for all, take the ‘bull by the horns’, step out of our comfort ‘good person’ zone and be willing to see this truth of ourselves that not only will show all the seemingly ‘bad stuff’ or ‘evil’ within, but at the same time we will get the actual cues or points to then work on and so align/reverse to living principles, to beneficial traits and habits, to supportive outcomes for ourselves and so for others. That is the gift that comes with ‘uprooting the old’, cleaning up the space, preparing the soil/ground in order to grow the new seeds that will give birth to the new trees, that, of course! Won’t be fully grown in a 1,2,3! It will take lots of time and care/support as in nutrients, attention, adaptation for it to grow well; that’s what our whole process is about as well, but this growth and expansion from a seed can only happen if we first make sure that we walk through ‘the old’, the ‘baggage of the past’ that we are unreasonably keeping within us as this form of mental masochism really, because we have the tools of self-forgiveness, self honesty and living words to precisely be able to forgive ourselves for all of that, no matter how ‘bad’ it may seem, no matter how painful it might be to realize what one has been and become: let’s realize it’s only a memory now, it’s only an emotional experience, we can’t remediate what’s done, but we surely can focus on who we are and what we want to ‘grow’ ourselves to be.We only have ourselves to do this work for us.

 

A suggestion – that goes for me and everyone that reads this – is: not to fear diving into the core of oneself, not to fight or resist questioning one’s ‘absolute benevolence’ in a pious act of ‘awareness’, not to be reluctant or resist doing the actual ‘clean up’ that is necessary to continue growing and expanding as a real living being. I know for a fact our hold to the past only diminishes our capacity and potential if we don’t entirely let it go/self-forgive and correct it, so that no matter how ‘awful’ this might seem, I’d rather choose to walk through this ‘uncomfortable’ spot for a moment and then be actually free/liberated from all of that stuff, than holding onto it and continuing limiting myself, my potential and so others’ as well.

It’s only our judgments, our fears, our personal idea of keeping oneself only in a ‘good light’ as being only a ‘good person’ that truly prevent us from actually developing self-honesty, to face the ‘not nice and not pretty’ side of ourselves. This benevolent idea of oneself is what has kept the same problems intact, because of fearing opening ourselves up, to access our truth, to dare and say for once and for all “ok what is existent within me, how did I get to create this?” And so realize that we actually got all we need to correct it, to align it, to change ourselves.

This is actually a phase in our lives that I am grateful to be living in, because now I understand what ‘real change’ implies.  I cannot fathom what my life would be without being aware of all the history of ourselves, the actual explanation of who we are, what we are we doing here, why this process exists, how our minds/bodies and beingness functions, all the life hacks and keys to walk this process that is shared/published on a biweekly basis on Eqafe.com, I seriously would not be here and writing all of this if I didn’t have access to all of that support and information that I essentially nurture myself with on a constant basis to continue learning every time how to live and be the best version of myself I can be.

This process is truly a gift to oneself, I know it may sound much of a prefabricated note but I can truly say it from having been ‘at it’ for some time and seeing the benefits of it every single day. Walking the Desteni I Process is a genuine life investment that won’t ‘go down’ with the dollar, or devaluate as your real state or your latest car – lol – but this is an investment for a lifetime and dare I say, even beyond that.

So! Buckle up your seat belt, gather some courage to discover one’s self-honesty and not be ashamed, fearful or judgmental about what one may find within oneself, it’s been said throughout time to ‘know thyself’ and that means ‘go deep, my friend’ because the benefit from doing so is actual self-empowerment

 

Thanks for reading

 

Give your first steps to do this with the Free Course DIP Lite version, test yourself!

 

Suggested interviews:

  1. Dark Self: True Nature of Self – Atlanteans – Part 440
  2. Time: Is Time Real? – Atlanteans – Part 441
  3. Time: Time & Me – Atlanteans – Part 442

 

Fallen Angel

 

Learn HOW to start doing this yourself :


82. “WTF was I Thinking?”

Facing the consequences of our decisions and the ‘I have to do this’ character

When a point that is realized as not having been the ‘best option possible’ and we decide to walk it into completion, if the decision is not entirely walked here as self, as breathe, a new character forms from: the ‘I have to do this’ character where it all becomes a burden, a haunting time-loop that one is aware one is walking – hence any ‘realizations’ stemming from walking the consequences are still standing within the ‘I have to do this’ character, wherein the moment that blame, guilt, remorse, victimization and judgments exist, we know that we are still playing out the character of ‘having to face the consequences’ as a duty, as a resistance and not as a self-directive decision at all times.

Here I walk one point that I experienced in the last weeks of school while overhearing a conversation of fellow colleagues about having an art degree and the ‘pointlessness’ of it within the job world.

 

Pattern: ‘I have to do this’ character as a decision walked in apparent self-direction – yet still allowing judgments toward the consequences faced.

Stepping out of competition when believing myself to be ‘inferior’ to others that did ‘well’ in the characterization process.

 

Self-Forgiveness

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Who I am as Life is Who I am and Does Not require Memory as It is Who I Am.” – Bernard Poolman*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear the moment I overheard people talking about being out of school already and finding no jobs, which is me participating as ‘fear’ and not here as breath. I realize that reacting to information as fear creates a limitation wherein I make such judgment real in my mind in order to use it as an excuse to give up before even having started.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is pointless having studied art because no one will ever place an ad on the paper requesting ‘an artist’ – which is how I maintained myself within guilt and judgment toward my career, instead of simply stopping and realizing that self-direction cannot be determined by the options offered – I must direct myself toward it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into further fear when overhearing people saying ‘the situation is quite fucked up’ – wherein I have allowed myself to go into self-deprecation and depression whenever there is a money-lack in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so depressed when I was a little girl and we had extreme financial problems at home, and I would get petrified every time that my father would arrive home and say there were no sales, and looking at him with a desperate face of anguish and fear that I would mirror neuron his experience as a form of empathy, just because of believing that I had to be equally sad because everyone else was sad that there was no money, which is what I believed and perceived and projected upon others all the time during that time and whenever I see ‘weary faces’ in people.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘weary faces ‘ to financial problems, which is how I have judged the faces of people while being in public transportation and thinking that they are having a ‘rough financial time’ whenever I see such faces, which stems from how I would witness my father having this weary face whenever his business was not doing good at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the news of there not being ‘enough jobs’ to fear and petrification, as well as a general sense of anxiety because of the ‘uncertainty’ that the future represents in a monetary-level.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and disillusionment when overhearing about financial problems, lack of jobs just because of how I lived that in my life as a ‘sad time, ‘ where we could not afford all the ‘fun’ we used to afford in my family during that financial crisis time, which indicates that my worry and concern was not because we had nothing to eat, but because we could not afford the ‘good life’ I had experienced before.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see that I had connected the ‘art career’ to ‘the good life’ that I sought to have, such as fame, fortune, traveling, meeting people and because I realized that such dreams were not based on reality and what’s best for all, shunning away my ‘dreams’ became a disillusionment in my mind, even if to me was ‘common sense,’ yet I did not investigate all the minor reactions that I had toward having to ‘give up’ such dreams, which is what I am now able to see with clarity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access the character of ‘everything is fine’ and ‘I’ve overcome it’ without doing proper investigation and research about my inner experience when having to apparently ‘give up’ my dream of following throughout my career with 100% of focus on it, which is a point that I realized I had blamed toward ‘walking process’ without realizing that I was just unnecessarily creating a judgment upon a decision, just because it was apparently ‘hard’ to give up my dreams.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that such dreams were just part of the desires that I used to keep myself bound to this ‘ethereal future of grandeur’ without taking into consideration the actual physical reality at all. This means that I built ‘castles in the air’ and that I in no way was directive as myself in practical reality consideration when building up such ‘dreams.’ Thus, it is not that I ‘gave up my dreams,’ but they were never real, they were just an illusion to keep me busy hoping, dreaming and desiring of someday obtaining them, without looking at the practical considerations of such dream and the actual viable ways to walk them into completion. This means, they were only my creation and beloved mindfuck.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see disillusionment as something real, not seeing and realizing that it can only exist if I held ‘high stakes’ and hope to get somewhere/ something in separation of myself here. Thus the illusion was always unreal, as the name implies – therefore being disillusioned is removing the illusion from the equation of being here because it was never real and tangible anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into regret and think ‘all this circus for nothing’ related to all that which I worked on throughout my career and seeing it as pointless, not realizing that in this is just a self-victimization process to make it all ‘worthless’ which means that I had given ‘more value’ than myself here to the entire career and what I would ‘become’ with it, as the personality moreness of the artist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the thought pattern that I had used to accumulate shame, guilt and remorse about my past – discussed here – wherein sentences like ‘What the fuck what I thinking’? ‘I can’t believe that I’ve actually done that’ are used to reload myself as memories of the past, aggravate myself as blame, guilt and remorse instead of realizing that I can absolutely self-forgive the point and unconditionally let go of the past and walk myself here as the directive principle of who I am in every moment of breath in self honesty.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with judgment believing that a ‘career’ is a ‘curse’ in my life, without realizing that I was simply justifying my experience in that moment by thinking about ‘who I am’ as a career instead of who I am here as every moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘time loop character’ whenever I speak about having to finish my career/ art school, just because of all the judgments that I held toward it which was in my mind like having to remain with a partner that I was no longer ‘in love with,’ hence turning it all into a bad romance that I had to endure just for the sake of system purposes in separation of myself. I realize that I walked the point as a decision to walk through what I created for myself as my decision and taking it into completion.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt, remorse, regret and feeling like I have ‘wasted 5 years of my life’ with it, without realizing that there is nothing ‘wasted’ as I am here breathing and that I cannot ‘be more’ or use more of myself here than breathing and existing physically here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that using sentences like ‘I wasted my time’ is just a way to exert guilt and blame in separation of myself in order to remain as a victim of my decisions as the mind, while who I am is here and is not bound to living as a memory when and as I direct and establish myself here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see getting a degree as the ‘reward’ after ‘the torture’ which is just a mind-game to see myself as victim that ‘had to go through it all for nothing’ when in fact nothing of what I do in separation of myself can remain ‘here’ as who I am, thus I realize that I simply walked into completion a decision I had made and that is the only practicality to it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and manipulate into thinking ‘who the fuck requires a licensed artist anyways?’ which was a way for me to justify that ‘my career’ is something that does not require any validity within the system, which is an excuse and justification for me to not walk the system but remain within the ‘value scheme’ that is accepted in society according to ‘artists’ and ‘art creation’ being some type of ‘out of the system’ activity, when it is in fact not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself unnecessarily by criticizing my own past as ‘bubbly fluffy dreams’ wherein who I am in such definition is existing as spitefulness, blame, guilt and even shame of my decisions in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this judgment onto the people around me wherein I ‘cage’ others into the judgments that I have accepted myself to exist as, in order to believe that ‘I know’ what they are going through,’ which can only imply so if I remain as the character that is existing as the ‘disillusioned artist’ when perceiving ourselves to Only be this one character in our reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate a character of ‘changing directions’ as in realizing that I had made an ‘uniformed decision’ in my life, and within that instead of absolutely letting go of it to simply be here, remain as breath in self-honesty, I created another character that recriminates itself as the past, believing itself to be the remorse, guilt and shame for such decision, not realizing that all that I chose to be and become is only based on the character that I wanted to be and become – hence to stop all characters I simply let go of myself as memories, as the decisions made in the past and simply support myself to establish who I am in every moment of breath here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ponder in my mind about the decisions that are Already made, that are already done instead of realizing that it is done, it is the past and who I am does not require to exist as the past.

 

I see and realize how we have collectively kept ourselves bound to our own limitation when and by being affected as words of defeatism, lostness and general self-deprecation wherein fear is instigated in order to not step out of character and realize that who we are is physical beings not ‘artists’/ characters, and that we in fact determine who we are in every moment by what we accept and allow ourselves to be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I only fooled myself,’ which could come through as a realization, however when thought and attached to a single experience of remorse/ guilt, I become the character that exists as ‘regret’ only – which is not unconditionally letting go of the past as memories, but still holding on to that judgment as ‘who I am.’ Which I am not.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the character of ‘having no enthusiasm to create any longer,’ which is stemming only from a self-victimized position in order to continue reminding me as ‘the one that was overzealous to create’ and within that, still compare ‘who I am here’ to that which I was in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare ‘my artistic character’ to other artistic characters that pushed themselves further to reach that ‘moreness’ of themselves as being considered within the art-character world as ‘the best,’ and according to that, believe that they were ‘really making it,’ as we have learned in society to give more value/ importance to those that wear the character with the most zeal and pride, earning lots of money as a societal confirmation that they have in fact integrated themselves as ‘THE character’ in society, which is how we establish from such characters a point of reference of what is ‘possible’ for each one if we strive, fight and compete to become equal-characters to such idea of ‘satisfaction’ and ‘fulfillment’ according to what such character represents and requires in order to achieve the ‘ultimate stardom’ as ‘the ultimate character.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I was stepping out of the ‘artist character’ by not following through any longer with the same pursuit of happiness/ fame and fortune as ‘my fellow artist peer characters,’ I was diminishing myself, becoming less, a ‘drop out’ and a ‘loser,’ without realizing that these are only the social conventions fear tags that we’ve imposed onto those that refuse to take the ‘moreness’ of themselves as money, fame, glory and an eternal pursuit of happiness/ success, just because this represents no longer supporting the character that everyone else has become. Thus stepping out of the character-world at this moment implies not being supported by others, because it represents a threat to their character, as the realization that everything that we have ever been is/ has been a lie.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play-out the entire relationship character with ‘art’ itself as the characterization that I used in order to pursue a ‘happily ever after’ type of scenario for ‘my future,’ and because I started realizing the illusion and fallacy that it was, I believed that now I had to be ‘sad’ and ‘spiteful’ toward myself as my decision because I was ‘giving up a dream,’ not realizing the dream for the illusion that it always was – thus the belief that it all ended up ‘badly’ just like in a relationship is yet another character for me to believe that I am ‘in fact’ now ‘less than myself’ which leads to a point of perceived lack, instead of realizing that who I am here does not require a characterization to exist, does not require a ‘moreness’ as an illusion available through and by the current fraud and illusion that money exists as in order to be satisfied with myself and call myself as ‘successful,’ which is how I had accepted myself to follow through my life: seeking success, recognition, satisfaction and this ideal ‘well being’ based on following the rules of the system to the T.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever feel ‘bad’ about the reactions that my decision to step out of character would influence other characters I have related myself to throughout my character-life such as ‘family’ and ‘friends’ when deciding not to follow through with the same pursuit as ‘characterization,’ but instead decide to walk the path of no-character wherein there is nothing more to be or become, there is nothing to attain, there is nothing to lose either, but only a realization of who we are as life and how we can practically direct ourselves as physical beings to create a world wherein what is best for all is considered and applied at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into further judgment about my abilities in order to justify my own victimization as real, as not being ‘as talented as I kid myself to be,’ which is simply the realization that I created myself as this desire, I created the idea or belief that I required a particular talent to ‘become someone else’ as ‘an artist’ in my life, in order to become another character in society that could be ‘more’ than oneself as all the values and ‘importance’ given to careers and professions as if they were in fact something that could support a human being to be and become an actual living individual, which is not because: all careers are based on creating characters that will interact with other characters to create a character world, wherein all that we really in fact are is dismissed by believing ourselves to be such characters seeking to fulfill the ‘moreness’ experience of what such character requires to fulfill itself as a ‘complete/ satisfied character’ – which is what I had sought to be/ become, without realizing I was absolutely diminishing myself to One Single Point as self-definition and missing the entirety of myself here as breath, as the physical, as who and what I really am.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself going into any form of fear based on not having a job/ fear or not having any money, I stop and I breathe. I realize that fear in itself is just another way to occupy my mind instead of practically and physically directing myself to find a way to ensure that I can be financially stable according to the possibilities and options available, without holding any judgment as to ‘what I am capable of doing’ based on having only studied a certain career.

 

When and as I see myself judging myself or experiencing shame for having studied the career that I chose I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not my career and that it does not define in any way who and what I am, and what I am able and capable of participating in. Thus I expand my possibilities to work and do what is best for all which is not defined by me as the ‘artist’ character any longer.

 

When and as I see myself projecting judgments onto people based on me believing they are worried because of having no money, I stop and I breathe. I realize this is me charging up memories of what I have defined as ‘financial worries’ according to certain ‘worry-like facial expressions’ that I see on people. I direct myself to not cage another in a certain character based on my own character-formations based on the past.

 

When and as I see myself creating a character of ‘overcoming’ something/ someone, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is another way to make myself feel ‘good’ about it and thus separating myself into another experience and not being in fact here as breath.

 

When and as I see myself judging myself as the past and the decisions I made, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is me existing as the mind as the past bringing forth that which is not who and what I really am. Thus, I walk the self forgiveness necessary and ensure that whatever I do, say, think is based on me in the moment according to the physical reality.

 

When and as I see myself accessing a form of belittlement based on the career I studied, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot be more or less than another based on having studied something or not in comparison to others. Thus, I realize that I am not a career and the character that stems from such career, but simply a human being that is able to develop itself in the physical and practical consideration of what is required to be done and conducted/ directed in order to establish a new living reality wherein, who I am can physically express in equality. Which means that I cannot limit myself any longer to a single idea of ‘who I am’ as the past.

 

When and as I see myself haunting me with the memories of who and what I was, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not my memories and that I am not the character that is ‘correcting itself form the past,’ but simply remain here as breath, walking moment by moment facing whatever is here based on self-honesty.

 

When and as I see myself comparing myself to others that studied the same career that I studied, I stop and I breathe. I realize this is a mechanism for me to remain in constant self-defeatism and belief of not being ‘good enough’ as ‘an artist/ my career’ which is a character definitions based on what the character was supposed to be/ become. Who I am does not require to achieve something in separation of myself, as what I am is here as my physical body that can’t be more or less than what is, as is.

 

When and as I see myself accessing thoughts of ‘success’ and measuring myself according to what others ‘achieve’ in their lives, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this comparative process we cage ourselves as more or less than others based on how effective we are in the system where money dictates who is ‘more powerful’ than others and who’s ‘less’ than others based on money. Thus, I realize that within me stopping defining who I am as one single character, I am supporting myself to establish myself as the physical equality as life wherein all that is here is myself – hence what’s required to direct and align is who I already am in relation to an equality as life that I begin living as myself.

 

When and as I see myself defining myself/ who I am based on ‘talents,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that who and what I am here is not defined by a career character, I direct myself to expand my ability to express and do based on practical application and experimentation in the moment in whatever I am required to do and direct myself as, based on the living principle that must be established here on Earth, of which I am walking as myself and I that there is and can be no limitation about it.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all Enslavement is in the End Self-Enslavement, as the Being Must accept their Memories on which the Programmed character Functions, as Real.” – Bernard Poolman

 

 

The Whiner 2003

 

Blogs:

 

Vlog:

The Reincarnation Characterization: JTL Blog Review by Bernard Poolman – YouTube

 

The consequence of our thoughts at a physical level!!!

Reptilians – Thoughts becoming Flesh (Part1) – Part 64


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