Tag Archives: resentment

554. Reverse Engineering Inner Conflict

Or how to walk through a point of anger or blame and see through it towards self-responsibility in one’s life creation

As I was organizing some files and doing a general cleanup in my computer, I saw some documents that I had written out over a year and a half ago where, there was this experience of being ‘stagnant’ and ‘stuck’ somehow in a point of creation in my life. What I find interesting is how upon reading it, it reminded me a bit to a conversation I had a few days ago with someone that was having a similar experience to the one I wrote out at the time.

In the document I wrote for myself, what I closed it off with was simply to remain standing, to keep breathing, keep walking and not seek for ‘ways to hide away’ from my experience. So even if I didn’t have a clear idea of ‘where to start’ getting untangled in my experience, there were basic aspects of self-discipline and consistency to keep myself going and walking regardless of this overall sensation of stagnation or a temporary experience of ‘losing my ground.’

Now that I can look back at the time, I can see how I created such stagnation with certain decisions and points of creation in my life that at the same time now that I walked through them and saw what I was initially ‘aiming’ at with them, I can now stand up from it, learn from it and take the essence of that period in my life and share the ‘ways to walk through it’ for others that might find themselves also in a temporary experience of ‘being lost’ or ‘feeling without a way through’ which is something I’ve been quite familiar with in the past and I have to remain humble and remind myself of having walked through these situations as well, which at the same time enables me to be patient, considerate, humble and flexible with whoever is experiencing something similar in their lives.

What I can now realize is how the experience of stagnation didn’t really ‘go away’ by itself, it was an actual decision to get to be truly self-honest about myself and my experience and make decisions that could create a distinctive change in my reality and therefore in who I am as my choices and decisions. What do I mean with this?

Many times we like to blame anything and everyone we can for ‘the way we feel’ or ‘how we are doing in our lives’ – I’ve been there and done that in terms of blaming money, the system, the place I live in, I’ve blamed the perceived ‘lack’ of something, blaming the people I would share a house with, blaming other people’s ideals and desires towards my life, blaming my decisions, blaming my partner, blaming the past… and the list could go on and on. But it is quite interesting that whenever we are experiencing this ‘stagnation’ or feeling ‘stuck’ we don’t dare to really investigate on the things we actually are aware are the point of self-compromise in our lives. We know it because we are the ones within our own minds, bodies, life on a daily basis, yet we like to look away and always look towards ‘the outside’ as ‘the point’ to change or to blame or to see as the solution.

What went on in my case is actually walk through a point of creation until its ultimate consequence, and by that I’ve also learned to not see it as a ‘wrong decision’ or ‘mistake’ but more like a point of creation that could not stand the test of time, which proves that there were some ego points, energy points that I had to walk through and test out to see for myself what is essentially ‘of life’ and can stand the test of time as my creation, and what was ‘of the mind’ as a point of creation that led me inevitably to an experience of stagnation, of ‘not moving forward’, not expanding and what’s even most frightening is that in the writing I explain how ‘Well, it’s my point of creation and I have to stick with it’ but I did not consider changing it or challenging my decision, choice and point of creation, but more like ‘I’ve made my bed, I’ll lie in it’ type of situation where yes, I agree on the aspect of taking responsibility for one’s creation but at the same time to not be rigid or limited in believing that I cannot change my decision, that I cannot stop a point of creation and expand to another or that I have to ‘marry’ a particular line of creation and stick with it forevermore.

I found it quite interesting how there is a sense of ‘resignation’ that comes along with ‘sacrifice’ as self-victimization in reality, where I believed that I had to ‘walk this path’ and there was ‘no other way’ but to now stick with it because: I created it, I chose it, so I walk through it all, which I essentially did until a point of consequence as an unsustainable outcome came to create an end to that point of creation.

But I did question as well how much I was willing to give a continuation to my own acceptance and allowance of an experience within me that I knew perfectly well what it was linked to, but still, I didn’t challenge myself, my ego, my desires, my self-interest enough to actually see the point that was ‘bugging’ me and was right in front of me all the time – and what happens then is that this experience of dissatisfaction, stagnation, a general ‘stuckness’ in one’s life can become like a constant anger or resentment towards anything and anyone or ‘life’ itself – instead of actually having the guts to look back entirely back at ourselves to see how it is our own self-interest, our own  ego, our own fears, desires, personalities or ‘woman in the red dress’ matrix style keeps us from actually being self-honest and so daring to reverse-engineer our experience and trace it back entirely to where we made certain choices, decisions within a starting point of ego, compromise, desires, seeking a particular experience or point of ‘fulfillment’ in separation of oneself and what do we get according to the input-output? Dissatisfaction, separation, losing one’s ground, loss of ‘identity,’ losing track, believing there’s ‘no point’ in anything in this life… but is it really so or are we only creating an emotional experience to not have to actually face and confront the nature of the decisions, the choices, the paths we’ve decided to walk?

Self-honesty is always a punch in the guts if you will, at times it is the least pleasant thing to do, yet it is also a momentary experience because once that you dare to do it and walk through it and stand your ground when it comes to sticking to one’s living principles, one may walk through a temporary storm and it might seem hard and arduous or never ending – but there will be a way through if we actually remain self-honest in making decisions, choices and actions that reflect the principles that are best for life, one’s life and that of others – and this is not determined by anything else other than action, reaction – input and output.

So, here it is a personal reminder of how whenever I get to experience myself ‘stuck’ or in a point of ‘stagnation’ in one way or another, I have to ‘reverse-engineer’ my experience and Dare to see that which I in fact know is the point of compromise, where I am not wanting to ‘let go’ of something that I am aware is compromising so that within that, I can prevent myself from veering and going towards ‘blame’ and ‘anger’ towards anything and everyone in the world, which can manifest as any form of giving up, seeing no point in continuing walking this life and process, losing one’s ground or seeking a form of validation and reasons to ‘keep going’ from others, which is an equal point of compromise because it is only self that can decide to stand up, clean up one’s act, straighten up one’s decisions and then see what happens when one does that.

All I can say is that, we determine the magnitude of our consequences, we determine how ‘far’ we allow something to continue going within ourselves without a direction towards change in self-honesty. Therefore, whenever blame comes, whenever anger comes what do we know? We are actually angry at ourselves for not doing what we deeply – or sometimes ‘on our face’ – know and are aware is our point of self-compromise, and the more we don’t change it, the more the emotional experience increases, because deep inside ourselves we know we could change things, we know we could make different choices, we know we could be standing in a different position than the self-compromising one we’ve taken – so this will all last as long as our ego lasts in any form or way. And with this, it’s not to see it as a very damning process either, because how else would we know which points we are still being ‘held by’ in ourselves, by who we are as our mind/ego if we didn’t have the direct reflection of our choices, our thoughts, our words and deeds as the experiences that we create towards ourselves – and others – as a result of our self-dishonesty.

A fitting saying is  ‘we do it to ourselves’ really, and so that’s how we are always the problem and at the same time the solution. My suggestion is to not get completely blinded by the experience, because ultimately it is a way for us to hide from our responsibility, from our self-honesty – but to rather face it and confront it, as Sunette said in her vlog ‘take the bull by the balls’ really because it does take guts to stand in that place/point or position that one may have wanted to ‘hold on to’ but that at the same time, might be the one point that was keeping a hold to one’s expansion and development in one’s process – only we can know what such point is and all I can suggest is being courageous to see for ourselves what it is and do what is necessary to align oneself back on track to the path of living and expanding in self-honesty.

Thanks for reading

 

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436. Lack of Money in Dream

Last night I had a dream where I would be aware of having only a 200 pesos bill in my pocket, that being the last money left with me at the time. I was with my family in a restaurant and I would still be quite sure about being able to pay for the bill, or at least help with some money. I would notice how I was very aware of what everyone was asking and in one moment I would see my partner taking the offer drinking ‘some’ of my father’s beverage, and all I could consider in that moment is how one drink cost a quarter of the 200 pesos, and because he would drink the whole thing in 3 seconds I would get so angry at him for being inconsiderate, for not realizing that then my father would have to get another drink and then it would take all the money away.

The shocking point however is how I reacted towards my partner in such situation which involved a lot of cursing and flipping fingers and generally wanting him to feel bad or notice that ‘he had done an inconsiderate thing’ by drinking that. Yet, right after I would be in my own possession towards him in that moment I would realize how I had not said or done any of that to him before, and realized that the damage was done: I could not revert back to a moment before all of that where I could have stopped myself from justifying my anger at him and the situation.  In my dream I realized how things could spiral out from there on, on how I had been essentially so disrespectful toward him in that moment, breaking into ‘uncharted territory’ from there on due to allowing myself to express myself to him that way. I felt regretful as well.

I woke up with this experience of ‘being angry at him’ lol, but of course I brought myself back to earth and realized it was MY dream, my creation and so what exists in my mind and what could possibly be a reality if I allowed it to become just that. It frightened me, because I saw how in one moment so many consequences would ensue and even if right after I wished I ‘hadn’t done that/said that’ it was done, truly felt regret yet of course in the dream I didn’t go into analyzing the situation. So here I go.

First of all it seems odd how if I knew I had little money left, still try and go to restaurants or even attempt to invite others and pay the bill for it. This is a point of defined ‘empowerment’ as well where I have enjoyed doing this with my family and having the ability to ‘invite them’ as well, which to me it just makes sense considering the many times they have invited me as well. However obviously, if I was in such precarious situation as in having little to no money left, I would not go out to restaurants, not pretend I can manage. I can see there’s the point of ego as ‘pride’ in maybe wanting to hide the fact that ‘I’m broke’ at their eyes yet be tense throughout the whole situation, because I would not have wanted to be in the position to have to spend more just because of adding one last drink to the bill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define an experience of going out to restaurants and invite others as in paying the bill myself as ‘empowering’ and something I gladly do, wherein I would then prevent myself from being open and clear to others about my financial situation and explain why I cannot attend to a restaurant or pay for the bill due to having little to no money left, which is what I see makes sense to do in such situations and not have the ‘restaurant’ or reunion be centered around ‘going out’ but family reunions and ‘going outs’ don’t always have to relate to eating out/ paying somewhere to eat/drink something while it could be done at home as well, this is in consideration to  be considerate of  money spending when there are no sources of income, and not perceive it as a ‘missing out’ or a ‘lesser’ experience if I cannot afford something any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slightly charge the experience within me of being able to afford paying a meal in a restaurant for others and myself, which is a point of perceived ‘empowerment’ which certainly can be done when there is sufficient money and income, however if one’s situation changes, adjustments have to be made and such kind of unnecessary expenses have to be cut, instead of me trying to ‘keep the show going’ at the eyes of others, while knowing well in the situation in the dream that I was compromising my ‘last moneys’ in order to give a pleasure/moment to others to enjoy, or what I perceive to be ‘enjoyment’ or expressing some kind of ‘gratefulness’, when in fact enjoyment and gratefulness can be expressed in so many other ways that don’t involve having to ‘go out to restaurants’ only as what I’ve lived throughout my life within the family scenario.

In this it is to realize that it is not limiting myself when no longer being able to afford such things if having no income, but rather be considerate about the situation instead of wanting to ‘pull it through’ and compromising my basic livelihood.

Another aspect here is how I allowed myself to get to that point of only having 200 pesos on my pocket. It is interesting because in the morning today I saw this picture on social media about how if you have 10 dollars in your bank account, you have more than the 75% of the world, which is ridiculous that we’ve allowed ourselves to get to this point of most of the world living in poverty while being in a world that sufficiently caters for everyone.  So there are various factors that lead to having no money, but within my personal situation and environment/context, it IS possible to make money therefore here within the dream context and as a possible scenario that exists in all of our lives

10 dollars

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get to a position of poverty, which is a form of disregard, lack of self responsibility, apathy, not putting myself out there in terms of knocking doors and looking at the many possibilities that still exist in this world to make money, having no judgment to particular activities or job situations, but realizing that I cannot allow myself to get to such point of seeing ‘the last drops’ of my money go and do nothing about it, therefore

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect my financial situation of my dream and take that into consideration within my current experience where I am living of savings and definitely require to make sure I don’t spend money unnecessarily or waste it in ‘going outs’ that are not really necessary for me to ‘live.’ In this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slowly but surely allow the ‘fear of ending with no money’ to be in the back of my head and creeping in as a constant ‘variable’ in my day to day situations, wherein I can see that it can affect the way that I live and interact with others, which should NOT be so, because in this it is about me first establishing clear accounting with myself, looking at what is it that is essentially needed, the basic points of livelihood that I require to cover in joint expenses and take responsibility for that part that corresponds to me. In this I realize that I do have to ‘give up’ more unnecessary expenses not because of ‘fearing’ not having money, but simply being realistic about current financial situation and ensuring I am not placing myself in a dire situation just because of ‘squandering’ the current possibilities.

And ultimately in this, what matters is that I would not have to ‘restrain’ myself in all aspects if I start creating other possibilities for income as well, which is where I have to move myself to and start planning where and how I can continue making money to live without worrying about ‘eventually depleting my source of money’ and this is my point of self responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become angry, tense, anxious, absolutely possessed with the miser experience at the same time when judging what my partner did in the dream about the drink and blame him as ‘inconsiderate’ when in fact that was me only venting and exerting my own neglect, lack of consideration and responsibility to my own life, my own financial situation and in this realizing that there are moments where bit by bit I start getting ‘stingy’ about money due to not having a continuous source of income.

In this I see that the financial aspect when sharing expenses with another and at the same time when placing oneself in this ‘comfortable’ position with money and then having that ‘comfort’ point change to a position of precariousness can change the way we behave toward others and essentially ‘the worst of us’ can come out when in that survival mode.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be so ashamed of myself in that moment when realizing what I had done as in doing all the cursing, yelling, flipping fingers and venting out my own anger towards another, because in the ‘shame’ of course we don’t see the actual starting point of it all, which is how in that dream situation I allowed myself to get to that position of ‘having the last drop’ of money and doing nothing at all about it, which is unacceptable and it is unacceptable that I would dare to see another as ‘the problem’ in that moment, which is such a common way to miss out MY responsibility in it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as someone that is ‘unconditional’ when it comes to ‘sharing’ which means sharing of my money when paying something for others and link this to a ‘sign of appreciation’ when it is part of the programming at home where any given money was to be considered a sign of love, appreciation, gratitude, care and even recognition as a ‘prize’ for doing something ‘good’,  when in fact these words mean so much more than just ‘money’ and can be lived in so many more ways than just ‘giving money’ or ‘paying’ things for others.

I realize that if I do enjoy being able to live in a comfortable manner and even at times be able to ‘share it with others’, then there’s two options: either I get a sufficient source of income to continue doing this in a moderate manner, or rather explain my situation, stop compromising myself and rather live these words as care, love, appreciation, gratitude towards others not by ‘paying’ for things or ‘inviting out’ but rather by assisting them in their lives in what I consider I can, such as sharing or providing some personal support, be with them in times when we can chat/ be up to date with each other, do something together that doesn’t require any consumption of sorts or ‘going outs’ as in eating out etc. and so also challenge that programming that has been so ingrained throughout my life in terms of ‘going to restaurants’ and seeing that as a point of luxury, comfort and ways to interact with others better, because in reality, I first have to assess the financial situation in order to fulfill such ‘ideals’ and if it is not possible, then rather redefine the ‘gatherings’ to something else, where I have also come to realize that it is part of those ‘illusions’ I’ve hold on to as if they were part of ‘my lifestyle’ throughout my life, but I do know of people that would rarely ever do this in their lives and could live without it, which enabled me to see how I have conditioned myself to believe this is part of the ‘rites’ of socializing, when it doesn’t have to be the ‘only’ way to go out and socialize in any case.

Last Sunday for example instead of going out to a restaurant, we rather went to eat at my parents’ house and spend much less money by doing so than keeping the ‘outings’ program in place, and it was as enjoyable as well because the interaction and ‘getting together’ shouldn’t be defined by ‘what one eats’ or ‘where’ and ‘how much it costs’ at all, when the same can be done/prepared/cooked with much less money anyways.

In this I recognize that it is not like I will say NO to all outings in restaurants, but certainly be much more moderate about it and be considerate of not squandering money within such habit.  Which leads me to the point of how I was also justifying these expenses in saying that ‘I am in turn also supporting the economy in my locality’ and assisting others to ‘get a better wage’ with going to places and leaving tips and whatnot, however this is ‘ok’ if one has the money to do it, but it is silly to compromise one’s own livelihood just to keep ‘benefiting others’ and be left with nothing oneself.

And then comes the anger point which I mean, I have talked about it many, many times. And it was cool to face this rather uncomfortable and – to say the least – regrettable situation in my dream where my own lack of responsibility to my financial situation led me to essentially ruin or if not create a faux pas with my partner in doing something that I immediately regretted to have been said and done toward him. It really sucked the moment that in the dream I realized: what have you done? You can’t go back and undo that, he will forever remember this that you just did and said to him. And this has to do with previous situations where I also allowed myself to be possessed in certain situations also due to familiar contexts and traditions or ‘politics’ that my partner would not be used to, and that I essentially blew things out of proportion against him at the very beginning of our relationship and only later on did I admit to see that it was My ‘religion’ of how things should be that was the problem, and how I did not communicate about it beforehand and how I made it such a big deal in my mind and exerted that anger toward him as well. That was talked about and it took me to recognize my own ‘religion’ of what I believed he should have done that caused the problem, while him also admitting to aspects of his participation to work with, which has actually worked fine.

However in the dream due to the financial ‘strain’ and situation I was in and not communicating about it with others, but keep it to myself and just ‘venting out’ the consequence of my problem, I would create another rift in my relationship with others because of this precarious situation I created for myself.

When waking up and realizing I was carrying the experience of the dream, I cleared myself up by forgiving myself for having allowed myself to get so angry at my partner in the dream, for judging him for generally ‘drinking things too fast’ because I equate this to ‘money’ only, and in general create this scenario in the dream to test myself ‘who would I be’ in such situation of poverty.

So, what I could see is that surely being in that ultimate state of having almost no money left at all, does make one go into ‘overdrive’ in survival, which can be by all means first of all prevented. However the point of ‘instant possession’ upon living the consequences is also preventable, wherein in the dream I could have taken a moment to stabilize myself, not keep feeding the ‘fears of not having money’ or the judgments on how anything eaten/drank equated to more money on the bill and so becoming angry at consuming in itself, and so preventing me from getting so possessed in this rage, anger about money that one can say or do things that one will regret a moment afterward. I have to remind myself that no matter how ‘difficult’ a situation might be, I cannot blame others for it, I cannot use another as a ‘punching bag’ for it and seeing others as ‘the problem’ when in fact it is all self-created.

In an ultimate situation if I had to walk the ‘aftermath’ of that situation in the dream, I would explain my own anger about my situation, how I didn’t take responsibility for my experience and allowed myself to exert it out and ask for forgiveness to the other person, after having forgiven myself for being so neglectful towards myself and my personal responsibility in relation to money. It is also interesting that even if it was ‘just a dream’ I could not just see it as ‘just that’ because it felt such a real possibility for me in all aspects that I considered the importance of aligning this point so that I can prevent most of the situation by changing definitions of ‘outings’ with others from now on, in relation to family gatherings, going out for the sake of ‘paying for others and supporting them through my consumption’ and rather be realistic about my financial situation.

In this I realize that it is not a ‘missing out’ because one defines what one makes of any situation or experience, so I stop defining ‘comfort’ and ‘pleasure’ and ‘gratitude’ and ‘enjoyment’ and even ‘sharing’ with others just through what money can do. And many times to be honest the process of ‘going out’ becomes more of a ritual than an actual enjoyment, so I can decide to suggest other ways and even ‘change the ways’ that it usually goes wherein we can all save up money and realize that it is not always necessary to spend in order to show care or live enjoyment or any other aspect like that.

So what can I learn from the dream in retrospect is: how to prevent getting to a point of lacking money, how to prevent myself from affecting my relationships with others by remaining in a position of ‘pride’ and not seek out for ways to make money or support from others, how to stop defining experiences of ‘empowerment’ related to money only, how to live appreciation, care, joy, gratefulness and sharing in ways that don’t involve ‘paying’ for something to someone else as an ‘expression of care’ because I can decide to change that, how I can prevent myself from blaming others and getting in an exertion of my own anger towards myself and use others as my ‘valve of escape’ for that emotional experience.

Ultimately of course we should prevent ALL of humanity from ever having to be in a precarious situation, of having no money/no food/ no shelter and having no possible way to get an income and step out of survival mode. We need to guarantee everyone’s wellbeing if we want to prevent people getting possessed in such a dysfunctional mind state of accumulated problems and experiences related to money that lead to the worst of the worst in our society: from mental illness, to domestic violence, addictions, blaming governments and neglecting our personal and collective responsibility in this system.

In relation to the comment, We can make a difference if we all place ourselves in the shoes of situations like the one that ¾ of the population in this world are living in and decide to stop creating obstacles for us to live in a dignified manner, it really starts with us and empowering each other not only with money, but with skills and abilities to be able to contribute back into society and so be genuinely proud of creating a world we can live in without worries of ever going poor again, it’s up to us to remove for every person that possibility of only having 10 dollars in their pockets or even only ‘a bit more’ of that, no one wants to live in such poverty, so why should we allow the majority of this world do go through that?

 

Please check out this great series that supports with this process:

Making Do With Less – The Soul of Money

https://eqafe.com/p/making-do-with-less-the-soul-of-money

 

 

Learn more about this and Join in:

 


392. Why are Emotional Relationships a Fuckup?

Continuing from:

 

“So the disillusionment with arts have to do with My Own expectations about it. How I thought that this was ‘the way’ to change the world and of course I didn’t follow through with ‘becoming an artist’ in the traditional sense which I then perceived as myself already ‘opting out’ of it all and seeing the sheer idea of dedicating myself to ‘create art’ as utterly selfish, without realizing how much I had desired ‘that’ to be my reality before. I’ve also been recently sharing about these points with people, explaining how I’m not proud of the decisions I made earlier on in my life and how I would not recommend anyone to study arts. I do however not say ‘don’t study arts’ but simply place my own expectations, my own experience, my decision to do something else and how such studies were a nice platform but not real tools that I can apply to what I am doing now.” From 387. The Love/Hate Relationship with Art

 

Nostalghia

 

Facing Myself, my Relationships through the Relationship with Art

I suggest to read:  What does it Mean to Have a Relationship with Oneself? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 608 by Andrew Gable

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationships based on emotions and feelings wherein it doesn’t matter whether it is arts or a person or a responsibility or a place, the moment that I create emotional and feeling attachments to places/people/objects/professions then I begin creating my own trap through definitions based on what I believe that ‘I like’ and what I believe is ‘my thing’ based on nothing else but emotions, feelings, experiences that I went attaching toward something/someone over time, and then believing that I am in fact all of these experiences, emotions and feelings in relation to something or someone, without realizing that such experiences cannot define what such something or someone is in fact, as it is all entirely self-created, it is me-myself that has created this experience within me.

Within this premise, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately automate the words ‘my relationship to/with something/someone’ being defined as an experience that I have built toward something or someone instead of the actuality of how I participate, interact with, communicate with /through something or someone and within that realizing that any experience that I create is entirely my own and has nothing to do with that something or someone but myself at all times.

Therefore I realize that the projections upon ‘art’ is in fact the experience that I have created toward the who I was within that time of my life when I chose to study art and that If I were to place myself within that same frame of mind 7 years ago, I would probably still go for that choice in life, which means that it is a decision I made entirely based on what I wanted to experience and who I wanted to be as a personality, an ego and satisfy my drive that I went building up throughout time to ‘make it’ within the art world – so this point I have opened up before however now I am able to see that it has nothing to do with ‘art’ in itself, I’ve made of art the excuse to project my own judgments toward my decisions, the way that I established relationships toward this something that I ‘built myself’ around, and as such because I realized I could not continue constructing myself as ‘an artist’ within the initial ideals I had, then I acted in spite and begun regretting and embarrassed by my choices in life as I see them as ‘useless’ without realizing that I was actually reacting at all the various others things I did in my life throughout that time of which I cannot be proud of either and that I cannot certainly recognize as ‘myself’ any longer so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the relationships that I built with people and with specifically my career as ‘arts’ which in fact reflect all the choices in my life, the people that I chose to surround myself with and that I cannot really judge myself for who I was back then as back then I had no awareness of the points I am aware now.

So I realize that I have to stop being ‘hard’ on myself based on this hidden-experience of having ‘the past haunting me,’ and so be able to finally let go of it as I do not have to re-enact this kind of shame or embarrassment about myself, my past relationships, my emotionally-driven decisions in life because it is to realize that back then I didn’t know any other way – and so instead I am grateful to be able to be here writing myself, having deviated from ‘the path’ that I had initially chosen as god knows where the hell I would be if I had followed through my ‘lifestyle’ and the relationships I built around the same ego and personality that I was. I rather see and recognize that I’ve definitely moved on from that phase of my life, but! Also realizing that every time that I create an experience toward any memory, any relationship, any past choice including my decision to study arts, I recreate the entire network of ‘the who I was’ in my past and as such I continue enslaving myself to those relationships and only fuel the negative experiences that are the opposite polarity to the initial positive experiences that I used to build my relationships with people and with the profession/career I was veering myself toward.

And within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to follow the usual pattern within the mind which is ‘dissing’ something once that one has squeezed the last drop of positive experience out of it, which means that once that it ‘served me’ and ‘its purpose’ and I’ve hit the ground back into reality about it and I am no longer seeing visions based on emotional and feeling experiences, then I go into the opposite polarity of talking bad about it and feeling righteous within that, without realizing that it is only the predetermined and rather predictable outcome from an initial positive experience that I created with such ‘passion’ about it that when the whole experience was no more, I ‘dropped’ down to the bottom and the opposite – so it happened just like a typical relationship wherein people first get in love with each other and as time progress and the energy runs dry, they part ways and talk shit about each other, so that’s what I did toward ‘art,’ and I didn’t even realize it because to me it was so right that it hadn’t fulfilled my expectations that I believed I had ‘the right’ to feel that way about it, without seeing the obvious: it was a feeling, an emotion, a judgment that came from nothing else but the ‘who I was’ toward art and so, within this ‘dissing’ recreating my past relationship to art over and over again – trapping myself in my own past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form emotional relationships toward what I deemed as ‘my career’ or ‘my path’ which in this case was art/being an artist and within this allow a physical process to become a rather emotionally driven relationship, similar to those that I’ve walked with individuals wherein there are a lot of feelings and emotions attached to something/someone that I want to hold onto and when the relationship is no more, such dependency then turns into a ‘lack’ of this fulfillment gotten from something or someone and as such, it turns into a form of bitterness ‘toward something or someone,’ without realizing that this all is really not about ‘art’ in itself or the people in my past relationships or else, it’s about myself and how I created relationships of dependency upon others in order to ‘satisfy me’ or ‘complete me’ or give me some kind of experience to which I could define myself, build myself, construct and upgrade myself as the ego that I was wanting to be within the ‘who I am’ as a professional artist as well as within the relationship formed in relation to who I am as an artist and in relationship to others.

 

Therefore I realize that the best way to follow through with this is to entirely let go of my experiences toward my past specifically and so be able to give myself back to myself as being able to focus on what is here, what I am working with, what I am developing as myself and also to align my relationship to art and be able to enjoy it, visiting museums or read about it, hear it, interact with it without loading the entire experience of ‘going to the museum’ and defining myself according to that any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful in the past few years and whenever I would talk about some forms of contemporary art become infuriated and a bit angry about what I defined as being utterly selfish and self-centered and ‘useless’ to the problems that I was then realizing were ‘much more important than that’ – and in this, I still agree that there are more important points in life than some kinds of art that are merely conceptual and contemplative and ‘useless’ as a tool to create practical solutions to the world – however, this obviously doesn’t justify the fact that I’ve been spiteful and holding this love-hate relationship to it, and within this only fueling an inner conflict of still being interested in or curious about the current art forms that are emerging while at the same time judging it as useless so here

I had considered myself to feel bitter about art

art-should-be

Bitter: causing pain or unhappiness. Feeling or showing angry hurt or resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter about art as in becoming resentful toward it and toward the people that create it, not realizing that I had exactly done the opposite for a prolonged period of time which is why the inner conflict arose in the first place, all based on me wanting to make of art the quintessential human experience and making it the most ‘honorable profession on Earth’ or so, and so believing that being an artist was the same or similar thing as to say I was chosen by god and/or touched by god, so in essence a lot of delusions of grandeur that I created within me and that I projected toward art. So, this bitterness as in being angry, resentful, dissatisfied toward art has to do with me having to let go of my own desires/hopes/dreams related to me becoming an artist. So once again, it has nothing to do with ‘art’ in itself but the expectations and experiences I created toward it and so, when realizing I had to stop pursuing my mind any further and only feeding my ego, that’s when the opposite relationship came up.

When and as I see myself feeling bitter about any form of art that I may see, read about or even people that create art and discuss their work – I stop and I breathe, I ensure that I am not tensing my physical body and experiencing that bolt of energy within me wanting to ‘let them know the truth about their creation’ which is in fact nothing else but me wanting to ‘express’ through reaction, as if I had ‘the truth’ within myself and so within this actually becoming nothing more than an ego that wants to be recognized for ‘my new position’ which is not really supportive but only a packet of resentment, judgments and overall bitterness toward that which I once praised.

I realize that this all comes from how much the entirety of ‘my world’ and ‘myself’ that I deemed as ‘real’ and ‘genuine’ were in fact not, so this whole relationship with art I remember very well was the first initial ‘big hit’ that I took when understanding who we are as the mind, as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system and that the thing I feared losing the most was the personality I had created through/as art and having chosen that path for myself, which is why that initial big fear of loss about this self-definition had such a ‘big impact’ in the aftermath, wherein I allowed myself to not be entirely self-directive toward art but instead then create the opposite polarity and so still participating within the mind. And this came through even though I believed I was ‘well over with it,’ only to test out not long ago that there were still reactions coming through the more ‘artistic’ documentaries I would watch and wanting to ignore the reactions to it until I simply believed that I had to ‘speak my mind’ about it – and yes, it was ‘my mind’ and a till here no further to when and as I see myself questioning or asking another about their creation from the starting point of the ‘bitter drop-out of an artist’ that I became in my mind, and so stop defining myself based on the choices of the past and focus on communicating or creating a dialogue based on what we can learn from it, what can be useful to understand our human condition or even innovate and take points to be creative in the ways that I can support myself and others through this process while using art as a supportive tool for it, without endowing it the entire ‘duty’ of ‘changing the world’ in itself, which as I’ve previously discussed, it’s impossible.

When and as I see myself wanting to create an experience of spite or disdain and bitterness toward ‘art’ and seeing it as useless or pointless while at the same time being curious about it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that both the negative and positive experiences are only re-creations of the ‘who I was’ in the past as an art-lover and then the who I became as the anti-thesis of that which was pretty much being very critical toward art within a negative context, and so I simply stop, breathe and observe/interact with it without creating any experience but rather seeing it objectively for what it is. And this is the challenge really because I had cult-ivated the experiences attached to works of art and becoming emotional about it, which I also learned from books at the same time. So I realize that all of my emotions and feelings are in fact nothing else but knowledge and information that I’ve translated into energetic experiences that serve no purpose for me to interact with something or someone.

 

I commit myself to be able to be here as breath while witnessing performances, watching/visiting museums or art galleries and also to remain here as breath when getting too excited about seeing something because that’s also once again recreating the same pattern of the visual vicious – which I’ve talked about extensively of – and so realize it’s just images, it’s just pictures, it’s just a part of reality and the only way I can ‘react’ to something is if I ‘load’ all my past-definitions in order to react based on memories and the knowledge that I had built around art and the ‘who I am’ toward art. So I can practically simply stop those past definitions and focus on reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read about the Stendhal syndrome in some book and consider that I would get this kind of experiences such as seeing ‘the sublime’ and mostly images that would depict the end of the world, which is why I focused myself so much on depicting the end of the world and getting a kick out of it, and believe that these emotions were ‘normal’ to me and that I had all the right to ‘express them’ but, the reality is that it was all a self-created experience and that there was no ‘magic’ or ‘real connection’ to painting or anything like that which I believed was something ‘special’ within me. Therefore I realize that these experiences were pretty much all created within my desperate need to ‘feel something’ because I had deemed the ability to ‘feel’ as in becoming emotional as special, as sensitive, as ‘unique’ in a human being – and so I created my own web of experiences according to how I would see others would feel and so mimic it, read books that were very emotional and then going determining what I would find as ‘emotional’ and what I would like to experience and so integrate as part of the ‘who I was’ as the characters that I read about and that I eventually wanted to create for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to made of past relationships as something conflictive and filled with ‘turmoil’ inside my mind as I realize that this was also part of the definition of who I wanted to be as a very sensitive person in order to be able to have stories to tell or talk about, as I believed that I had to suffer to make any real art. Therefore, I realize that any experience I created toward something or someone wasn’t part of reality as such, but entirely self created in my mind. Within this, I realize that also in my relationships the experiences I created about others were never ‘real’ as such, but only the plethora of experiences and definitions I created upon them – that’s why once the energy ran dry and seeing the individuals or situations that I was in within my life with sober eyes and frame of mind, the ‘truth’ of myself and the interactions with others/something came through as it is.

 

So a way to redefine a relationship it is to first of all no longer define tit through/as an emotion or feeling, something that we believe is ‘real’ in the mind based on memories, ideas, beliefs, past experiences that we then make real as our preference, as that which ‘we want,’ without taking physical reality into consideration.

Therefore an emotional relationship will always end up as a ‘fuck-up’ if it is not aligned to physical reality wherein I can stand as an individual that first of all ponders what it is that I sought in my relationship with something/someone that I believed I didn’t have myself, alone – and so realize that whichever I was expecting to get from ‘art’ or someone in my life were and had been all points of separation, illusions that I believed were unable to be experienced within me. So this is how the best way to create a relationship with someone or something is to ensure that it is seen through the eyes of physical reality, where no emotions, feelings, no past experiences, no ideals, wants, needs or desires become a decisive factor in terms of defining who I am toward others, as all I have to consider is myself and within doing that I can then interact with something/someone based on the principles that I can integrate within myself, as the relationship that I want to establish for myself so that no matter what I do, where I am, with who or alone, I remain stable, supporting myself, getting to know about others in the relationships formed with my reality, recognizing myself as one and equal with them, instead of seeing them as points to ‘fulfill me’ or things/experiences that I believed I lacked.

I realize that it’s been supportive to revisit this aspect of ‘my relationship to art’ to review my state of affairs in relation to other relationships based on emotions in the past, and so to focus on preventing further ‘fuckups’ as the ups and downs and polarity relationships of ‘love and hate’ as that is all of the mind –  instead there are more physical aspects and perspectives to consider here as well.

Life on Earth in itself is built through relationships, so I cannot define relationships only as personal relationships with something or someone, but rather realize that we are all made of and constantly require and exist as relationships that define the way we live in our world – therefore the more we are able to act, participate and be part of these relationships in a physical and common sensical manner without being driven by desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies and illusions, the more we will be able to begin changing the focus of our reality – from the distraction that emotional relationships are to a rather physical process of aligning ourselves to that which enables our coexistence in the best possible manner – no feelings/emotions required for that, no special relationships but rather the equalization and realization of who I am as this interdependence

 

to be continued…

Mechanical Heart 06

 

To learn more about how to establish proper Relationships suggest the Re-defining Relationships – Agreement Course  as well as:


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