Tag Archives: reward

430. Recognition

When looking at redefining a word,  an exercise is to see what kind of associations do I have in relation to it, what kind of memories are attached to this word that could prevent me from actually redefining it and living the word in a supportive manner. So this is a work in progress to redefine the word recognition in a team, which means each one will look at their relationship to the work and draw some main points to bring on the table to finalize the definition that can be relatable and supportive for others in this process of learning how to live words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the Word recognition to the idea of being clapped at by an audience upon gaining some kind of prize or recognition for doing ‘well’ in something, and so becoming the center of attention for everyone else in that one moment, without realizing that this is what I imprinted within me based on how the diplomas in school – year by year  at the end of it – would read ‘reconocimiento’ as in ‘recognizing’ and my name plus the point of participation, achievement or award gotten in school or other contests, wherein I would end up being the ‘winner’ of either of the three places given to students with certain achievements and within this, creating a polarity relationship of recognition based on not wanting to only be recognized or known by others for ‘being the good student’ but at the same time, considering that I had earned it so, it was my right to be recognized that way.

So in this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dislike getting any form of recognition because of having had the experience of seeing this recognition as a form of superiority-value that detached me or separated me from the rest of the people, made me ‘special’ in a way, which led me to dislike getting any form of praise or recognition due to how unequal this felt, but at the same time getting used to it and so, if there was no recognition to me, I would feel as not good enough or somewhat invisible – all of this due to how I got ‘used to’ being singled out as better than/special, in spite of knowing that this is not what I am comfortable with – yet I accepted it as a self definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my starting point of doing things for the sake of being seen/recognized by others in any way, which means that I was not in fact doing things in my life for me, as my expression but many times were ways to get particular people’s attention, to be recognized/acknowledged by others and so ‘gain’ some space in their reality – all of this because of a perception of not having been good enough for it, or not being ‘special’ enough and/or being flawed in other ways and so making it up by building a certain personality that I knew could be recognized by others that I was interested to be in relationship with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being recognized only for a few particular traits as part of ‘who I am’ and so, deliberately building a personality that could be eccentric or overtly expressive and ‘unique’ in a way to step out of the cliché of only being a ‘good student in school’ and so, seeking to now be recognized as being somewhat that is cool and ‘in’ and ‘special’ because of being ‘different’ to most people in terms of attitude and looks and so forth – which is nothing else but building a persona to be recognized by others in a way that I did like. This means that it was all made for praising my ego and not at all in any way for supporting myself and my expression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times having pushed myself a lot to do certain things to ‘prove myself to others’ and so be recognized for being intelligent, special, unique even ‘strong’ in the sense of not being weakened easily – all of this to overcome my own vulnerability which accompanied me most of my young phases of my life, and in doing this also wanting to be recognized as someone that cannot be hurt or someone you cannot mess with. All of this again to cover up for the actual inferiority and vulnerability I would experience as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live the paradox of disliking certain types of recognition, while at the same time seeking to be recognized for particular preferred ‘traits’ or personalities that I considered I wanted to value myself with in order to be liked, accepted by others that I had a specific interest to be liked/appreciated/acknowledged by.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief that recognition is something that is given from others to oneself and that one cannot recognize oneself only, because that means I am not ‘valued’ by others, which is a false equation there, believing that one does not have validity if we don’t exist as ‘some value’ for others. And this is where one abdicates the ability to recognize oneself and others based on what  people or things are in themselves, without the need to ‘value’ but just by sheer acknowledgement.

It is also funny because whenever I had done something ‘bad/wrong’ as a child, my mother would say’ have you seen what you have done??’ and I would say ‘yes I recognize it’ but that was involved with yes I recognize it AND take the blame for it, so also to short circuit that idea that with recognizing comes some blame or ‘price to pay’ to rather see it as ‘Ok how did I fuck up? How can I correct this? How can I learn from a mistake or failure?

recognize or recognise
n    verb
1    identify as already known; know again. Ø(of a computer or other device) identify and respond correctly to (a sound, character, etc.).
2    acknowledge the existence, validity, or legality of. Øformally acknowledge that (a country or government) is eligible to be dealt with as a member of the international community.
3    reward formally.
4    (of a person chairing a meeting or debate) call on (someone) to speak.

I see that to live the word recognition it would imply being aware of myself/my life, to know me, to acknowledging me as what I am, what I am doing, what I’ve done and within that rather assess/recognize the points that need to be changed/aligned and also to acknowledge that which I’ve accomplished/achieved in a way that assists me in this process of aligning to what is best for myself and so best for others in acknowledging what is outside of myself as well and apply the same principle.

This way, I am the one living recognition, giving myself that time to reflect, to acknowledge, to take responsibility for or to simply say ‘well done’ in any point that I’ve found I’ve been able to complete/achieve in a way that supports me and my life. In this, the ‘value’ of oneself is not built by others perceptions as I used to, it is a self-recognition, a self-assessment based on being aware of one’s words, deeds and being honest to see what needs to be changed, what requires fine tuning, where did I miss my own direction, where was I tempted or lured by an experience instead of deciding with common sense? And so this becomes more of a word that enables one’s own feedback loop so to speak rather than a series of judgments, beliefs, perceptions that we create within ourselves and project toward others.

 

 

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349. Self Will in Equal Money

Self Will is living the decision to do what is Best for All as a Living Principle.

 

Continuing:

 

 

Problem                                                                

  • Self Willed:   adjective obstinately pursuing one’s own wishes.
  • This drive to pursue our wishes become a synonym to ‘living,’ which is when one is arduously pursuing happiness, continuously aspiring to become ‘the best’ and constantly imagine to be ‘at the top’ to have a point of freedom, enjoyment and expression as the ideals we have only learned to imagine and seek to attain without understanding first why we were born with inherent limitations to not have such conditions as part of our living environment. Self-Will has become a purpose driven action that guides our every breath to ‘attain’ something –or someone – and believe that such wish, desire, want or need is in fact ‘who we are’ and is absolutely real and acceptable; however, what happens when 2/3 of the Earth’s population have no means to attain even their most sincere wishes such as having food on the table, having a house to live in, having potable water and energy resources? Our self-will in a money-driven world has become the justification for greed and wanting ‘more’ even if we already have enough, and we justify this because: it is our ‘pursuit of happiness’ that we are acting on, and because it is part of our constitution we should all be free to live it – but no one questions why happiness is such an expensive thing to buy or attain instead of being readily given by virtue of being alive in this world.

 

  • We are well accustomed to be motivated by our own future projections, our dreams of having a better life or having enough money to settle down and have the perfect life – which means stopping being in a constant survival mode – we use visuals in our minds to remind ourselves why we are doing what we are doing, why we are having a terrible job that we don’t enjoy at all but do anyways because it’s the only option that we have. We constantly like to think that ‘it will only be temporary’  and prefer to daydream about having a better financial situation wherein we won’t have to ‘deal’ with what our lives have become: a fear based and survival driven ‘living’ condition, which is thus not living – but only surviving. We accept this as ‘how things have always been’ and haven’t moved ourselves to question why we created such a terrible conditioning for everyone. We accept being ‘motivated’ by our imagination because we feel that’s the only place where we can ‘truly be free’ and as such, we will ourselves to do whatever is required to ‘make our dreams comes true.’ Unfortunately, such dreams of ‘betterment’ along with the acceptance of ‘how things are’ are part of the social conditioning to have people always aspiring to do better in their lives to attain some form of freedom or wealth, while the carrot is absolutely fixed on a stick and unable to be reached. People spend their lifetimes searching for this freedom to no avail – yet new generations come and everything remains the same, because the system was the one thing that is constantly blamed for this, instead of realizing it is ourselves as human beings that have established our own belief systems and limitations and think this is ‘how the world works.’ This means that we disregard in every moment that we have the power to actually change this.

 

  • Many of us want to create a change in this world, however when self-will to change the world exists as a point motivated by desires or fear of ending up at the very bottom of it all, or facing all the consequences that we have accumulated thus far as humanity, we end up creating solutions that will only deal with ‘removing’ the fear factor and getting ourselves back to a ‘feel good’ condition, instead of realizing how we created the problem in order to establish change. This is why the problem won’t ‘go away’ unless we  live a process of self correction and self realization to recognize the steps of How we created the problem in the first place. This is what we have to realize in order to not seek for a solution outside of ourselves or only blame the system, government, the ‘environment’ for our current condition and  inner experience – Self Honesty implies taking responsibility for everything we see requires to be changed within the understanding that it is the nature of who we have always been that is the cause and source of our current crisis lived at all levels of our existence at the moment. 

 

 

Solution                                                                                       

  • Self Will is living the decision to do what is Best for All. It is expressing ourselves as the volition of Life in Equality – this means directing ourselves to act, think and do what is in the best interest of all life without expecting a reward or attaining something in separation of ourselves. In this, no energy driven experience exists, no ‘ultimate desires,’ no wants or needs are to be satisfied only at an individual level, but  always ensure everyone else’s are also satisfied.  It is the act of driving and motivating ourselves to physically move to do something, to act and make the necessary changes in ourselves, our reality to enable life to be lived for the very first time in Equality, because so far we haven’t been the living word.

 

  • Self Will is the self direction and self movement that stems from walking the process of Self Honesty and Self Forgiveness – without Self Honesty there is no Self Will but only energy-driven and self-interest purposed-given lives seeking to attain a ‘betterment’ without taking responsibility and  understanding how and why we created a lack and inequality in the first place.  This self will is thus becoming part of the co-creation and cooperation required to establish a world that is based on Equality as what’s Best for All. This is not good or bad, it is simply establishing the physical considerations to ensure that life is sustained, supported and enjoyed by everyone in Equality as how it always should have been – this includes also our individual regard for one another, toward all animals, plants and the environment as part of ourselves.

 

  • Living, breathing, existing to create a change in this world is part of the process of Self Realization – this practically means that we understand our co-creation and participation in this world system we are currently limited by and enslaved to; within this, we take responsibility for it by understanding that we have to create the necessary changes within ourselves and without as the system’s structure in order to create a genuine correction of every aspect that has to be founded re-directed to be based upon an Equality-based system, where everything that we require to live is given and received as a functional  understanding of who we are as Life – one and equal. This is what Equal Money will provide as the result of our participation as self-willed individuals to support each other as one.

 

  • The  change that we decide to act upon is a Self Willed action: there is no desire, no driving force other than our breath by breath and moment to moment realization that who we are, what we think, what we act or don’t act upon determines the outcome and reality we all live in. It is a realization that if we are all equally responsible for how we have created this world, we have to correct the mess within the understanding and individual application of Self Responsibility where no fear drives us to ‘change the world,’ but we instead do it as part of our day to day process of Self-Honesty and Self Correction to understand that who we are/ what we have become is solely our responsibility and creation and as such, we have the power to change and align to what is Best for All.

 

 

Rewards                                                   

  • Living as Self-Willed individuals is part of the perfect order we can establish in the realization of our Equality as Life. This means that everyone’s living understanding of our responsibility, our application of self honesty is lived and as an expression of who we are in every moment of living here as breath, as life in Equality. This is expressed without an effort, without a hassle, without fear or competition against others – it is the living understanding that we can only create the best living conditions to live if we all act in the best interest of all, if we all drive and motivate ourselves by the realization that our well being depends one everyone’s well being in equality – we require to equalize the totality of ourselves to act, express, and  enjoy who we are and what we do as part of this creation.

 

  • Self Enjoyment is the Reward from living without a constant drive to ‘attain’ something or ‘make a living – It won’t be defined by something we buy and consume in separation of ourselves, but instead we will live Self Enjoyment as the expression and realization of living according to what is best for all which means no harm, no abuse, no attainment, no fear driven reactions, but pure self movement acts and decisions made and based on that which will ensure everyone’s wellbeing is guaranteed and satisfied.

 

  • Self Will becomes our principled living statement as the expression of  Freedom, because there will be no coercion existent in a world where everything we require to live the best way possible is given.  There will be no energetic-high that drives us to become ‘better human beings’ because we will be living this self-improvement as a practical process to expand our abilities and capacity to live in our utmost potential. It is the movement we become as part of an entire organism that can only function in the best living conditions if we all participate and cooperate as equals to sustain it – and this is what living will be understood to be, a realization of the totality of ourselves as a living organism with multiple interactions and individual expressions lived within the principle of what is best for all.  This reward is thus not desire or fear driven, it becomes an expression of who we are in every moment of breath.

 

“If I don’t change, If I don’t move – nothing will change and nothing will move”

 

 

 

Matti (3)

 

Artwork by Matti Freeman

 

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266. The Secret behind Addictions

When a problem is not addressed at its root cause, for the human it is the mind for instance in how it functions thought by thought, solutions for human society will not be possible” – Bernard Poolman

 

I watched the discussion/ talk called Brain Development & Addiction with Gabor Mate in order to understand addiction at a chemical level. We are aware the we always seek to ‘feel good’ and this is one aspect that is currently understood in relation to this constant feel-good experiences that are generated by chemical compounds such as opiates and dopamine that are part of the brain circuits wherein impulse control and stress control are also a part of. These basic categorization is what leads us to address the infamous ‘chemical imbalances’ wherein only through these chemical compounds obtained through an induced manner – either through drugs or energetic associations to people/ places/ environments – one is able to experience as sense of fulfillment and enjoyment.

Opiates, according to Dr. Gabor Mate create the experiences of love, connection, reward, pain relief.  Dopamine creates the experience of incentive, motivation, vitality, curiosity and as sense of ‘being alive.’  Thus it is definitely so that these are energetic-experience requirements that are beyond being only brain-sent requirements, there is a much deeper explanation to all of this and it is through understanding how the Quantum Mind operates that we are able to finally understand why we are never in fact ‘stable’ even if we have all the support of the world to live in dignity, because we find rich people also being hooked on drugs and alcohol or any other type of activity that creates a temporary rush. Sure, people living in poverty also use drugs to mitigate hunger and evade a reality that is not ensuring that they get equal support just as anyone else that was born in a family of wealth and social benefits, however we have realized that it is not only money the point that defines the well being of the individual, but also the care and basic forms of parenting that must be understood in order to see from where does this inherent desire to seek for ‘more’ come from.

 

The understanding of how these experiences are created go beyond any current understanding promoted by contemporary science and the reason why is because the mind is not a physical system, but an interdimensional system that is out of sigh for us human beings. This implies the following point: We have become in essence subject to our own mind to use it as a tool to ‘get to know ourselves,’ which is limited to the possibility of only see the consequential outflow as chemicals such as opiates, dopamine, endorphins and any other chemical that are the result of processes that take place beyond any spectrum and understanding of our conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind, but exist within the domain of the Quantum Mind and Quantum Physical.

 

The mind’s relationship to the physical body is not yet a basic understanding that should exist as the foundation of any psychological problematic that we are only attributing to chemical imbalances and treat with drugs that do Not solve the problem, but involve the consumption of chemicals that will artificially sustain this well-being experience through drugs/ medication toward which the ‘patient’ eventually becomes addicted to. And not only the people that take drugs in legal/ illegal manners are drug addicts: we are all essentially on the same boat. We just get our fix through thinking, becoming emotional, thinking positive and all the best feelings in the world, through activities that we have attached to an experience of vitality, liveliness, feeling good, being on ‘top of the world,’ which includes virtually anything that we use to get ourselves to a constant High in the mind – yes, the mind – but, where’s the Physical then?

 

That is precisely the point to walk here: how through the definition of our well being according to who we are as the mind as these temporary fixes of ‘love, connection, happiness, reward, motivation, vitality’ turned to an energetic fix of ‘being alive’ we have neglected in fact how such self-induced experiences operate at a quantum mind level which means, beyond any form of current mind-awareness that we could gather from self-investigation with our own pair of eyes. Yes, we are talking about interdimensional support and assistance through the Portal at Desteni through which the most advanced mind-technology investigation is being presented in all the current series that are finally allowing us to understand our entire relationship of who we are as the mind toward our physical reality. Quantum Mind Self Awareness Series as well as Quantum Systemization are key points of study for anyone that is willing to go beyond ‘chemical imbalances’ to understand the constant necessary feel-good experiences at a mind level, while neglecting how the mind uses/ consumes the physical body/ flesh/ tissue in order to generate such ‘feel good’ experiences, because the quantum mind as a system of energy will use any form of thought process to associate to an either positive or negative experience to cause friction and conflict which is what generates enough ripple effects that the mind is able to generate within the physical tissue/ flesh of the physical human body in order to ‘power up’ these thoughts, feelings and emotions that we believe is ‘who we are’ and we end up building our entire lives and make decisions according to these basic energetic experiences that we blindly follow as ‘who we are.’

To read more about this, I suggest reading the past entries that explain from various angles this basic mechanism of how the mind operates within the physical body and why following a ‘feel good’ mentality is causing us the current depletion and neglect of the physical world in the name of our personal stability At a Mind-Level.

 

Continuing from:

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

 

 

An actual Sound and Stable Solution that we are able to propitiate/ give to ourselves by the mere fact of being a living-breathing being, is through equal and one self support in a global social, economical and political system that ensures we all get equal support to live in the best conditions possible and sustainable in this world. For that, the entire system must be changed, because our system is the result of having sought for these never-quenching experiences of ‘having more’ / being happy/ obtaining power through money that has become our own demise as we realize it is unsustainable to continue giving all our ‘power’ to sustain a system of abuse – and this same system is the one that runs in an exact and equal manner within ourselves as the constant strive for ‘feeling good’ that we create at a mind level, then seeking to satisfy ourselves in any way we can, even if that implies abusing ourselves, which is how it has worked thus far.

 

Thus, the experiences that we can all define would be best for all as these ‘brain circuits’ that Dr. Gabor Mate describes can be and become a living-physical expression if we decide to implement a system that can ensure that all kids are born in families where every individual will be qualified to give birth to another life/ child, ensuring everyone has equal support through money that ensures health care, proper nutrition and infrastructure – shelter, food, sanitation, water, clothing – as well as parental education is in place to create a suitable environment for children to be born into this world – and I quote Economist’s Journey to Life here: Equal Money Capitalism – Preparing the Road for Change:

“CHILDREN

When a child is born, the parents’ company/companies will allocate an equal profit share for the child – which will be added to the parent’s profit share. Every parent will have a company – because everyone will be employed.”
http://economistjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-164-equal-money-capitalism.html

 

“The government only represent the same controls we allow within the mind and is thus an externalization of the inner world of the people. That is why Government acts in ways that are seemingly strange, yet it is what the people actually want to remain in the inner world of self deception and self interest. This will be a most difficult journey to change our world to what is best for all–which must include Government as some level of universal management is required to have some freedom for all. The problem is not addressed at the mind level where it exist as each one attempts to protect their mind, thoughts and feelings as if it is sacred, without understanding how it is created” – Bernard Poolman 

 

This single basic certainty of self support ensures that parents have No worries, No stress to give birth to a child, this ensures that people will be able to spend quality time with their babies in a world wherein everyone will be equally stable and confident, since everyone will have all that is required to live. This creates a sense of well being within the progenitors that will define the stability and condition of the new baby in order to grow in a sound and self-supportive environment, immediately becoming used to living as a physical being that is whole, here, complete instead of a baby that picks up the current worry, concern and stress that people have due to debt, lack of money/ resources, lack of education of how to take care of a newborn, having relationship problems, addictions, manias and a total ‘flawed nature’ that is the reflection of who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be in the mind, which is creating what this entire world currently Is and exists as. This is in conjunction to what Dr. Mate explains as the negative effects that lacking an ‘available, non stressed nurturing emotionally available parenting care giver’ creates as potential addicts that seek to activate these basic experiences of completion through chemically induced experiences, while they could have been developed as a natural physical experience that is not constantly sought as an Energetic experience, but are simply not sought since the same stability that equal support provides will ensure who we are as the mind is no longer seeking for this never ending desire for ‘more.’ We are all addicts, we have said that before – so we rather stop condemning  ourselves, take responsibility and create solutions at a world-system level, not through medications or street drugs that lead to harm and self abuse.

 

So, if we only allow sound stable parents to have children, all the ‘future of the world’ will ensure to continue this living stability as they know nothing else but that: stability, cooperation, care, support, consideration, empathy, compassion, all of which ensures that life is then actually lived and not survived in this world, and this is what common sense is all about: implementing what’s Best for All through preventing addictions and mind-fixes that lead to self destruction.

 

Through this unconditional support, love, connection, reward, incentives, motivation, vitality, curiosity, a sense of being alive and ways to cope with stress won’t exist as some chemical sought in drugs, people, places, activities that we associate positive experiences to in our minds, but we will rather understand how Not to participate in a mind that will constantly seek for a ‘fix’ to continue its survival as a parasitical system within ourselves that we have been mostly unaware of in terms of how it functions, we have only seen the consequences but Never understood the mechanisms and that is why and how Desteni and all the interview series at Eqafe are of vital study for any human being that is willing to finally discover the ‘missing pieces of the puzzle’ in terms of addictions and any other psychological and reality-functioning aspect that has never quite ‘fit’ in all the vast theories and studies proposed by our most laureate scientists, because no one until now had been able to see the exact mechanisms and functions of the Quantum Mind in the physical body interdimensionally.

 

This is ground breaking information that Must be studied in order to take responsibility for our own addictions, to understand the problem is to get half of the solution in place, the second half is implementing it and that begins with and within ourselves through walking a process of Self Support in order to stand equal and one to the mind that we have defined as ‘the problem,’ simply because of not understanding who we really are and what we are in relation to the mind, how the mind operates interdimensionally upon the physical body and what we can do to practically stop such self-abuse and support ourselves to become living beings:

 

Equal Money System – The economic, political and social revolution that will ensure all living beings are born in a self-supportive environment where no more lack of money, care and stress result in needy human beings seeking for a fulfillment through addictive chemical substances – we instead Prevent the problem through presenting the cure and solution: Living Life As the Physical Body and Stopping Participation in the Mind as who we are – but for that, a Process is walked:

Desteni I Process

Desteni Lite Process – Basic steps to get to know yourself as your mind

Desteni Forum To read all the self support through various processes of self correction in relation to the mind

 

 

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193. Self Motivation – Self Movement

To read the entire Procrastination character walked thus far, visit

162. Either Do it or DIE « MarlenLife’s Blog

I’ll be writing self forgiveness on the specific points that lead to procrastination which have to do with the motivation aspects to ‘move’ and ‘do things’ in our reality, wherein if it’s not based on earning a reward/ there being something for us as a ‘positive experience,’ we simply don’t direct ourselves / don’t do what is required to be done.

And this is how it all started:

I had a dream wherein I had applied for a job at a record store, and I was given a certain schedule that I of course had to cover. However I was rather entertained in my reality with something else, I remember I was interacting or moving around with people and as such when the time came for me to go cover my job schedule, I simply decided not to go and the reason in this case was because ‘I didn’t require the money,’ thus I experienced this absolute laxity toward the point of responsibility simply because I was not being guided by survival to do it, which is something that I can see is related to the motivation/ motive-factor as that energetic point that acts like a crutch for me to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having procrastinated things because there is no positive reward/ money in it as a point of incentive that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn is the only reason why I should ‘move’ and do things within my reality – furthermore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this very same thinking pattern, believe that because I won’t be making money out of my career, then ‘what is the point of being a ‘licensed pro’ at it?’ without realizing that in both cases, my procrastination and deliberate neglect toward this final examination point is showing how I have been used to only moving myself if there is some positive reward/ money and/or future benefit from it, without realizing that this is actually a system requirement and as such it is part of finishing what I begun and getting the actual paper that will certify all the years that I did spend in school, which is a point within the system that is definitely required to be walked and to obtain.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I require some positive incentive in order to commit myself to my tasks, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to move and direct myself within the consideration of such task/ activity being in the best interest of all, which includes that which I believe would only ‘benefit me’ such as a career, without realizing that this is a point required by the system in order to validate the years spent in school – thus it is not a matter of preference, but a requisite in order to validate myself within the system.

 

I commit myself to be my own motivation regarding all points that I decide to participate in as an opportunity for me to expand myself in my world and reality and within this, also walking any resistance toward anything bureaucratic in nature, such as final papers/ examinations and protocols at an academic level, which is how I commit myself to simply breathe through it, get to do the necessary contacts and arrangements and get it done.

 

The stagnation and deliberate shoving away of responsibilities is part of this point. I’ve lost the ‘fear’ to not do things and within this, I have self sabotaged myself extensively, simply because all the ‘discipline’ that I had lived was in fact only based on fear and keeping up a reputation that in my mind, I could not ‘afford’ to spoil for one second.

When the characters were identified, in my mind I created this point of laxity toward responsibilities, like literally only doing it at the last moment and essentially justifying it – foolishly enough – with me no longer acting out of fear to get things done, but ‘testing my waters’ in relation to my own ‘self-movement’ once that such fear is apparently non existent. And I say ‘apparently’ because it is quite obvious how I actually only turned the tables and went to the opposite of being the ‘on time responsible one’ to be a deliberate procrastinator one. This was all done consciously/ me being aware of it, and the only point that I can see has factored into it is this ‘force’ wherein I have opted to simply give myself away to it and continue placing things aside, postponing it all simply because I don’t perceive such points getting done within a matter of life or death. This reveals to what extent we have only moved when there is either a positive or negative reward and in my case, in the dream, the ‘record store job’ I had always kept in the past as this ‘dream like job’ – even if I am now aware it is not ‘dream-like’ at all – as something that I would do out of pleasure and that was going to apparently only be like an extended hobby. So, in the dream when it came to actually cover my hours, I decided to simply not go and take it as lightly as possible, simply because there was no point ‘behind’ it that was pushing me to do it, to move.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see money/ fame/ good life as a motivation to move in my reality and the moment that such motivation is no longer ‘here,’ I stopped caring about my career and getting to the last tip of it even knowing that I had to do it anyways – thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move when and as there is money involved in what I commit myself to do/ act and direct in terms of responsibilities/ studies within the system.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a prey of my own dishonest starting point for studying a career as within the impetus of going for it for a personal benefit, once that personal benefit is no longer a point sought within me within this career, I stopped caring about it all and in this, going into a cycle of just walking through it without any actual direction to use the point and opportunity to expand myself in my world, as after all, it was my decision made at all times to study what I studied – thus, I take responsibility for my words, my decisions, my life and stopped believing that ‘I must do this for the system’ but do it for myself, as the starting point of all that I do.

 

When and as I see myself requiring a reason outside of myself to do things, I stop and I breathe –  I realize that this has been a point of self-sabotage most of the times as within having a reason to do things outside of myself implies that I am not being the directive principle of the task, but doing it ‘for something/ for someone.’ Thus

 

I commit myself to be the starting point of everything that I do in the consideration of the requirements that I have to participate in/ complete as part of this world system, as well as the consideration of me doing this as a practical action and direction to see how it is possible to direct oneself without being motivated by external factors of either a positive  (money/ recognition) charge or negative charge (fear of not having a license in the system/ fear of wasting my studies) as I see and realize that at all times, all tasks to be done imply a point of self-movement: what is best for all as best for myself within the consideration of my own commitment to do and participate in that which I have agreed to work and participate in as part of my responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use reasoning as excuses and justifications which is knowledge and information in order to not do things based on my ‘wants/ needs/ desires’ wherein the moment there is no ‘positive incentive’ to move, I simply don’t move and relegate the point aside as if it was actually not important to work with, not realizing that it is not about what I can ‘get’ from it as an experience, but simply realizing: what Must Be Done no matter what – and in this, I stop seeking for a ‘reason’ to do it, and instead become my own self-willed direction to do it, without having anyone or anything in the background of my head as a reason to ‘push through’ as this would be separation and only lead to further cycles of ‘reasoning’ why I would rather just continue Not doing it and leave he point without any direction.

 

When and as I see myself reasoning why I should not do a task – I stop and I breathe – I bring the point here as what it physically entails, the consequences that doing it and not doing it in reality are and stick to this practical outflow of my decisions, instead of weighing my decisions based on the values that I’ve given to such task as a point of preference and the level of ‘uselessness’ that I’ve guarded toward acquiring a professional title within being an artist.

 

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself based on knowledge and information toward the tasks to be done, and I actually realize that it is only a moment of standing up and taking responsibility for what I had agreed upon studying and finishing it till it is done. Those were my words when I begun, and those are the actions I have to live.

I realize that the most prominent point within this procrastination point was also the extensive judgment toward my own choices for a career and within this, seeing such final title/ paper/ license as equally useless, which then became this whole ‘uselessness’ experience toward it, wherein I deliberately placed it aside, just the same way that in the dream I thought of the job as ‘not necessary’ and simply deciding to ‘not go to my job and remain with what I have.’

 

I commit myself to to stop assessing what I do based on the ‘investment value’ that I have given to all things in my life, wherein even if it is a point of responsibility if I am not considering it at face value/ according to my personal interests as something ‘important’ then I simply not do it, without realizing that If I applied the same reasoning to all things in my reality, and all beings acted the same way, it would only create a replica of the world we have today, wherein each one is only seeking after our personal interests while neglecting everything else as ‘non of my business/ not my ‘responsibility’’  – within this

 

I commit myself to understand that Self Responsibility is Not selective and that I cannot ‘choose’ what I apply myself with and what not – it is about a principle of committing myself to certain responsibilities and walking through them till it is done.

 

So, the key words here are Self Movement and Self Will – again, which have become the pillars of the realizations in the past wherein I would get ‘stuck’ within something even within writing and not writing everyday in the past, and how I had to deliberately get myself out of the loop not by an external motivation but, as a realization that I had to continue writing as a proof to myself that nothing and no one can motivate me to support myself, but myself and that way I can stand as my own authority.

 

I realize that in the Equal Money System, we won’t require to go through points like getting ‘credentials’ for money either or survival – thus this is a point to train myself to move without an incentive and realizing this point as part of the responsibilities acquired within the ability to have a career/ having studied.

 

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161. Good Deeds as Future Investment

Continuing from 160. Pious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘good deeds’ according to ‘doing good to another’ and within this justifying my own feeling good based on what I had done onto others, instead of realizing that everything that I do ‘onto another’ is in fact done toward self as one and equal and within this, there can be no ‘positive experience’ when directing oneself to support another the same way that I would like to be supported.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate good deeds as in doing ‘positive things’ onto others from the starting point of accumulating positive-karma and a positive reputation within the system for my own benefit, in this forgiving myself for having accepted and allowed myself to brush aside and hide the actual driving-factor to do things for my own reputation/ benefit, instead of actually doing it absolutely and unconditionally for another – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be hypocritical the moment that I would not want to do something such as ‘helping someone’ but because I had to keep up my reputation of being ‘the helper/ the supporter,’ I would do it from the starting point of simply not ‘messing with my reputation,’ instead of actually being fully willing to support another as myself, which proves to what extent I would be willing to compromise myself and pretend to be ‘something’ at the eyes of others only to not ‘spoil my goodness record’ of being an actual pious person that will ‘enlighten’ those that don’t know the road to do the same themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to listen to a person within wearing the ‘good person’ suit, wherein in my attempt to ‘change them,’ I would deliberately listen and waiting for the moment to erupt all the ‘negative aspects’ that I had heard them say from the puritan stance of me apparently being already ‘beyond that,’ which is part of the ‘good person’ reputation that I believed myself to be wherein I deliberately pushed aside my own experience, my own deeds, words and backchat in the moment wherein I would take such stance as there being ‘nothing wrong with me,’ and within this existing in a superiority position when supporting others as in being the ‘virtuous person that supports the impaired ones,’ which is absolutely denoting separation in all ways and part of what the masquerade of benevolence creates within oneself: “I am right, you are wrong and must be helped out”

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use points of support toward others as ‘points for my own score’ wherein I would keep score of myself being a ‘good person’ for having helped out people during the day, without ever actually proposing for example a change within the entire way that such point of conflict for many could be approached within school so that ‘I’ would not have to take on the pride and positive experience of ‘helping others,’ and instead support the educational system to be supportive for all beings equally, within the realization that if Many have the same problem, then the flaw is within the way it is being taught, instead of the problem being the beings not understanding it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to Invest on my own ‘good person’ character within the realization that within building this reputation from an early age, I would get ‘doors open’ more easily within the system in the future, wherein I was from an early age already looking forward to way, means and relationships that I would use in order to make a ‘good living,’ wherein I would go as far as supporting my classmates from that starting point of thinking that ‘Someday they will be in a position wherein they will be the ones that will be able to support me’ and within this, not being unconditionally supporting others as myself in the moment, but actually see it as a positive-credit investment to the future, wherein I was aiming at ‘using my credits’ at some point in the future whenever I wanted and If I would require such ‘gears’ in the system to my own benefit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately seek to create ‘political relationships’ with people at school, which were not necessarily ‘friendship based,’ but going straight to the point of being in ‘good terms’ with everyone in order to get a positive reward in the future wherein I expected me to be supported by others due to me being ‘remembered’ as having been a ‘good person,’ which once again proves that I was in fact investing on my own positive-feedback within my participation in the school-system as a way to be recognized by others and as such, ensure that no matter what, people will remember me for ‘how good I was in everything I did, ‘ which is plain self-interest based type of actions, words and deeds at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberate shove aside my ‘negative backchat’ toward others in the moment of interacting with them, and immediately play out this point of ‘them probably being able to support me in the future’ and as such, immediately shift my way of communicating with them to being more affable and open and ‘charismatic,’ from the starting point or vantage point of realizing that I could ‘use their friendship/ colleagueship’ later on in life in order to support ME, so I better behave in a friendly manner in order to be liked by them.

I realize that within this way of socializing – social-lies are kept from one another in what is euphemistically called ‘political relationships,’ wherein we all knew that we were building ‘relationships’ for our future and within this know before hand that we didn’t necessarily have to ‘like’ each other or be empathetic toward one another, but only see relationships as ways to climb within the system and to support each other’s interest as a way to keep ourselves ‘on top’ of society, which is what we were being trained for at school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately be a ‘good person’ toward those that I knew had more impact within the political arena in my environment, due to believing that money and politics as part of my ‘relationships’ would be of great use in order to have someone to ‘aid me’ in the future if I ‘help them out’ at this stage- which was schooling years – and within this, from an early age learn the ways within the system of corruption and recommendations wherein things are much easier if you are supported by another in a position of power/ control within the social structure that being ‘one more in the mass,’ which is how I learned that creating a positive reputation within me toward others that I knew would be ‘potential future support’ was to my own benefit, and that helping them out ‘today’ would ensure my own help ‘tomorrow,’ which is how people in positions of power and control support each other to always remain winning, looking for one’s own benefit and position within the system, instead of actually supporting one another to be equally supported, wherein such corruption and favoritism would not have to exist any longer to be supported within the system, but instead equal opportunities as equal support being given as an unconditional living right.

 

I see and realize how I have used this point of support within my reality as a way to gain/ accumulate ‘positive points’ within my imaginary positive-feedback/ positive reputation chart, wherein I was ensuring my own survival and positioning within the system by deliberately using my ‘wits’ and ‘understanding’ in a place like school to support those that would not understand/ required help and doing so from the starting point of thinking that ‘I am helping them today but I expect to be supported by them tomorrow,’ which mostly implied people being in positions to support me to get to a certain job/ position within the identification of myself as a ‘good person’ and ‘hard working’ and ‘benevolent’ at their eyes, wherein the memories of ‘me having helped them’ throughout school would become the usage of such positive points to ensure that I am able to be supported by people, due to understanding how this world system works based on relationships and understanding the importance of school and relationships within school to create a network of support toward each other to keep us all in the same positions of power/ control/ direction according to what we were supposed to do/ be within the world system.

 

I commit myself to expose the system of values as positive and negative as the starting point of our entire personalities and beingness being driven to survive within such system basing our actions, words and deeds within the starting point of being ‘good to others’ to our own benefit within the distorted principles of supporting others the same way that one would like to be supported but using it as a way to support each other within a closed system of favoritism and recommendations used to gain or preserve certain positions within the world system wherein the majority of people have no access to such ‘colleagueism’ in order to ensure that those with already enough power/ consideration within the system, remain in such positions through being supported by those in power to remain in the same point of power above others.

 

I commit myself to stop existing within this favoritism system of ‘being a good person’ in order to await for a positive reward from my initial investment as the ‘good doer person,’ and within this actually walk the process to understand and realize how such benefits from being a ‘good person’ can only exist in a system of Inequality – therefore we can only support each other as equals within the realization that any benefit we currently experience above others is in fact a point of abuse that will no longer be able to exist once that the Equal Money System is in place and established as an actual opportunity to become an example of what giving and receiving in an unconditional manner is all about, which is supporting each other to live in dignity, supporting each other to in fact become living beings and within this realizing that there is no ‘benefit’ to await for within this all, but simply realizing that I am supporting self as one and equal and within this there is nothing to win or lose as it is part of self-support that I have decided to walk as myself within this Process of Self Realization

 

I commit myself to actually walk the principle of giving to others as one would like to receive in an absolute manner wherein there are no ‘hidden agendas’ of personal benefit to do so, and within this becoming aware of any positive-experience of upliftment or personal satisfaction as an energetic experience if such point arises in any given moment of interaction within supporting others, and instead, assist and support me to realize that there is no ‘other’ that I am supporting here but Self as one and equal, and within this, humbling myself to the point of realizing that it is only through supporting each other to get to an optimal point of expression, self-awareness and self-realization that we will in fact be able to assist and support ourselves as the whole to create a system wherein ‘good doing’ won’t exist as a positive-reputation system for one’s personal benefit, but instead become simple principles that we will all live by, wherein one’s actions, words and deeds are understood within the context of the whole being our responsibility and creation at all times.

This is how we transform the positive-thinking, positive doing as self-investment toward positive rewards in the future, to a constant realization that within giving to others as we would want to receive what’s being benefitted is not only self or the other person but Self as a whole as one and equal, and within this understanding that there will be no need to create relationships based on self-interest to maintain a certain position within the system, but instead actual empathy and understanding and relationships of physical interaction will emerge, as there will be no need to have relationships that support the perpetual positioning of only a few on top of the ‘social chain’ within a hierarchical system of values that would support only a few – but instead, the majority as the whole will learn how to support and work together as one single organism wherein any point of abuse is understood as a disease.

 

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88. The Victim

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a victim of my own deeds, wherein I would suit the memory to my advantage so that I could remain in anger toward my parents for something that they had ‘apparently done onto me,’ – such as forgetting about me and me getting lost – without wanting to hear the fact that I had been the one that wanted to step out of the cart and drive it by myself.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life find ways to ensure that I could remain as the victim of a situation/ event wherein I could then have people having to ‘ask forgiveness’ to me, and me being the ‘offended one,’ as that would give me a sensation/ feeling and idea of power over them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use all means possible to convince my parents that ‘I can do this on my own’ and have various memories of how I would essentially get pissed off when they would do things for me and would not allow me to do it by myself, just because of how I wanted to ‘do things by myself, ‘ from the starting point of opposing my parents and creating any form of friction in the moment by just demanding them to leave ‘the thing alone’ and allow me to do it by myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘threaten’ with throwing a tantrum toward my parents so that they could allow me to do things that I noticed other kids were not doing, and in this wanting to be ‘special’ such as being a kid that enjoys pushing the cart instead of being inside the cart.

 

And it’s funny because a memory came up when I was in SA and we had the trolleys from the supermarket and I was pushing one and B said something like you look good pushing the trolley, lol which I associated in that moment with a sense of ‘independence’ and like ‘I’m on the wheel,’ which is fascinating that I only now get it – after such a long time, I had this memory so ingrained within me as the symbol of my ‘victory over parents’ = me pushing the trolley, which I activated as a sense of liberty/ freedom and superiority without even knowing how or why. Thus, it was not a random point but a single experience that I was having in that moment that I was pushing the trolley without even noticing as a character.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the experience of ‘pushing a trolley’ to ‘doing my will’ and being ‘free’ and ‘liberated’ from the parents that would always put me into the trolley and drive me around to wherever they wanted me to go with them, within this manifesting the entire experience of: I don’t want to be driven by my parents, I don’t want to comply to what they say, I want to do things ‘my way.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of self-righteousness toward my parents, wherein I began doing everything to the opposite of what I knew they wanted me to be and do. This includes, for example, forcing myself to go to school when I was sick, just because my mother would insist that I shouldn’t go – and within this believe that I in fact didn’t want to miss a single day in school, but the fact is that I wanted to simply prove myself to her as wanting to do everything opposite to what she would suggest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the character that would deliberately cause friction in another for the sake of feeling good about myself, just because of how I would experience the relationship with my mother as that of ultimate control and imposition, which I essentially rebelled to throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the victimization of ‘why didn’t you tell me’ when I got lost in that amusement park and get angry at my parents because ‘they were supposed to take care of me’ – and in that, believing that ‘they didn’t want me because they had allowed me to get lost,’ which is how I began building the ‘They don’t like me in my family’ syndrome, which I then embodied fully as ‘the alien’ at home, the black sheep, without realizing what series of events were affecting my every move and decision based on memories toward my mother/ parents in general.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of spitefulness toward my parents the moment that they found me after being lost, wherein I accessed anger because of thinking and believing that it had been ‘their fault’ that I had gotten lost – however, the actual reality is that I had decided to do it by myself and I cannot even remember if I did it on purpose when realizing that they had forgotten about me, which sounds ‘familiar’ as to how I would then deliberately go to the extreme of something just out of spitefulness, without ever really wanting to hear and realize that: I had done it all by myself, by my ‘own will’ to do things ‘my way,’ based on throwing tantrums, which means that my entire interaction was base on opposition toward ‘the authority’ as parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ charged with rage and absolute spitefulness and anger based on this event wherein I had believed that my parents – and subsequently every time that I would not be let known of some event/ point and missing out – believe that I was being deliberately ‘not invited/ excluded,’ which I associated then to being simply rejected/ uninvited/ excluded and within that, think/ believe/ perceive that there was something ‘wrong’ with me and talking myself into thoughts like ‘my parents don’t love and no one likes me’ as a form of self-victimization, which I use to then create an entire personality that could ‘overcome’ this initial experience toward my parents and sisters, as to ‘prove’ that ‘I don’t need to belong/ I don’t need your appreciation,’ when in fact I was actually really desiring to ‘belong’ and be a part of the entire usual family scheme – which is how self-victimization becomes a key point to build ourselves as the ‘antagonist’ at home, based on self-beliefs and ideas of ‘how others see us,’ which is and has Never been about ‘them’ but about ourselves at all times

 

I realize that everything that I did and all the choices I apparently conducted was based within this starting point of wanting to oppose that which I perceived as ‘authority’ which was – as primary point – my mother, and in that building an entire relationship of opposition toward her particular personality, so that I could ensure that ‘I was not controlled by her,’ as I thought my sisters were.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger toward my father based on how he would usually be the ‘angry one,’ and when finding an opportunity for him to be in the position of ‘having fucked things up,’ I would use his stance of shame, regret and remorse in order to fuel my anger, to throw a tantrum and deliberately wanting to make him feel even worse than what I could spot he’d be experiencing in that moment when apologizing for something he had done.

 

Within this, I realize how I would use this same application whenever someone would be in the position of ‘having done something onto me’ and showing the same signs such as asking forgiveness, feeling ashamed, remorseful toward me wherein I would use such situation to blow things out of proportion just because of knowing that every word movement would make them feel even worse, and within me seeing them getting affected by the words that I could use to recriminate the point even further, I would get a sense of power as a revenge to a previously perceived relationship of ‘power’ of the other toward me. Thus, utilizing conflict as a way to ‘take revenge’ from the past times wherein I felt like the one that had to apologize, ask for forgiveness for having done something wrong and as such, develop power games with my father as a way to feel like ‘I had the right to be pissed off at him,’ later on copying this mechanism to relationships wherein I would also deliberately want the other to ‘feel like shit for what they’ve done,’ and knowing that they would then have to ‘make it up for me,’ in one way or another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, deliberately instigate further shame, guilt and remorse in another in a situation wherein it is believed that ‘they have done something onto me,’ wherein I then feel with the ‘absolute right to throw tantrums at them’ as a way to complain about ‘being wronged,’ without realizing that all that I was doing is experiencing a sense of pleasure and satisfaction from scolding and yelling at someone, seeing them having no ability to defend themselves – which is a rather sadomasochistic mechanism of relating to others as then this would lead to point of reconciliation and in that, become and actual way to build up anger, irritation and then have a reconciliation in ways wherein all the accumulated negative energy as anger, irritation, frustration would be ‘soothed out’ either through something sweet & buying something by my father – and within sex in relationships with human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to realize what I was doing when ‘putting more wood on the fire’ when I was confronting another in a situation wherein I apparently ‘had the right’ to point out ‘their shit’ – whether I was the ‘wronged one’ or not – just because of enjoying them to feel like shit, secretly enjoying seeing them realizing that they had done something wrong/ that they had fucked it all up, so that I could then remain in a stance of being apparently this immaculate benevolent being that is always doing everything ‘right’ and they were the only ones that could fuck it up. Never really wanting to accept how I would use this to further keep them bound by my side, as to being the ‘benevolent being’ that is willing to ‘forgive them’ and keep by their side, without realizing that I knew to what extent I would use this as a mechanism for my own positive experience as the power I had to make others feel bad and remorseful, ashamed and guilty for something they had said and done.

 

Within this, becoming like a mother that is able to point out the shit onto the son and as such, bind myself to relationships wherein I would become like the nagging mother that would point out shit in another, scold them and as such feel like I had the ‘control’ of the situation, without realizing that all of this would come from an actual experience of inferiority toward others, toward ‘them’ in the relationship, which is how we as women have taken the ‘superiority’ position not from an actual realization of equality and oneness with males, but as an outflow of having been the ‘oppressed ones’ throughout history.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn deceptive ways to get what I wanted as in being polite and well-mannered instead of throwing tantrums as ‘the way’ to get what I wanted. This proves that even if I didn’t precisely cry to get what I wanted, I learned the ‘adult ways’ of doing so, which is asking for it in a persuasive manner in a way that I could ensure I can ‘touch my parents hearts’ using the tactic of: If I don’t get it , I’ll be very sad/ If I don’t got and study this, I will regret it for the rest of my life / there is nothing else that I want the most in my life’ which I knew that would ‘move them’ sufficiently to consider that if they simply would say ‘no’ = guilt and remorse would haunt them, thus they would comply as a way to also remunerate me/ as a reward for the ‘who I was’ in school.

 

Thus I see and realize that I learned to play the system’s way of getting what I wanted by pleasing parents/ teachers / the system and as such, only living to satisfy my needs and desires without really taking into consideration reality, because I simply accepted this to be ‘my life,’ living to get things, to achieve, to obtain something that I could call ‘my own’ as my point of satisfaction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make it a habit to ask my parents ‘where had they gone to?’ and if I could find a way to make them feel sorry for not having let me know, they would usually give something to me in order to make it as if they had bought for me, which is what I defined as the ‘consolation prize,’ as a way to through instilling the sense of victimization toward a certain event in my world with my parents, they would usually comply to buy something to me in exchange to me going somewhere and usually complying to these type of transactions wherein there was no unconditional self-movement, but it was all based on wanting to ‘soothe’ my inner experience or ‘make up for’ something in separation of myself.

 

I realize that whenever I was showing a ‘depressed state’ toward my parents/ family, I was in fact only seeking to get ‘something’ in exchange to make myself feel better, which is how I did use depression as a way to manipulate people in my environment, to take me out, to give me money to buy things that I could use to ‘make me happy’ for a fleeting moment and that was it, which is how depression came to be/ become another way of a ‘silent tantrum,’ wherein I would deliberately show myself as being ‘depressed’ so that I could get more books, more cd’s and more stuff that I used to reinforce the same pattern again and again.

 

I realize that the ‘Victim’ is a way to remain triumphant in my mind in relation to how I would use this character to get what  I wanted – the Victory I am base on a deliberate self-diminishment that could be spotted by others to then ‘give us a hand’ as a form of self manipulation which is unacceptable.

 

So, this is a point that I see is prominent within the ‘who we are’ as ‘adults’ and as we come of age wherein we believe that we are, for example, depressive – when it is in fact just another way to yell out ‘help me!’ in a silent manner – or how we use the parent/ child relationship to only satisfy our desires which are usually linked to buying/ consuming something as a positive experience obtained from a negative input. Nothing else but energetic games that must be stopped within ourselves – one by one – as these seemingly ‘unimportant’ events have defined who and what we are in such specificity that we cannot even remember why we are in such a way, when all the keys are still here as ourselves, as these are survival mechanisms of the mind itself to ensure that we would remain busy/occupied evolving our characters and personalities, and as such never even have the least consideration to start looking at this world and reality beyond our character eyes.

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Life Review – The Victim of Judgment

Day 57: Fogbound

There are times when we get to know/ understand what’s really going on in the world that it is almost impossible not to be ‘enveloped by a fog’ as if it all seemed too difficult to ever get to solve – and because we cannot see anything clearly, we standstill, we don’t move which is obviously the point to correct here. What I mean here is that I have become used to seeing ‘the whole picture’ – repeat PICTURE – in order to then have this ‘certain outcome’ which would be not living and directing myself as a Self-Willed being, but rather wanting to only attain/ obtain and experience myself in that picture, while missing the actual process to get there, which is the relevant point within this process, understanding Why we are doing this Self-Equality and Oneness Process as Existence: we have never ever lived as Equals, we have only existed as separation and for that, it was about ‘time’ that we got to see the manifested consequences of our inherent separation and now be willing to correct the fuckup from its primordial times. This won’t be an ‘easy-fix’ either, we are walking it the proper way and for that, we are all walking our individual processes where nothing will be initially perfect, because we have never ever directed ourselves to change the very nature of who we are as human beings. I also see that If I had existed 100 years ago and someone would have shown me in Virtual Reality what the world looks like now, I would have also thought that it was ‘impossible’ to get to such point of both the technological advancements/ general ‘picture’ presentation and the obvious consequence of it which is the absolutely horrid scenario of depletion, pollution, poverty and starvation.

 

Fogbound is such a clear word to define what I  experience when watching documentaries that reveal the state of absolute abuse toward the Earth, the Animal Kingdom, the general state of the world, like watching that trilogy of Koyaanisqatsi and not being overwhelmed by everything we’ve done as human beings. These are all mind-experiences and one thing that I learned  yesterday while hearing about Anu and the ‘Failure’ point is that it is definitely comprehensible to give ourselves some air to realize that we have never ever done this before, we have been so secluded in our little bubble wherein there has been no proper equal and one standing  our own mind, to our physical, to this world, to anything or anymore – literally just being mind organic robots and it is really grounding for any speckle of ego to accept this.

 

There are times when we feel ‘stuck’ – again an emotional experience – and that’s because we have been so used to always getting immediate results, having tasks done and completed in a way that we have made this world work as a drive-thru machine that contemplates profit and not life – getting a positive experience out of ‘accomplishing something’ that would make us more ‘worthy/ increase our trading-value’ within a system where all life has been made an asset. We have never slowed down, not in a world where ever decimal fraction of a second is counted to make profit in a production line. We have existed like that Ford T Line Production wherein everyone just focuses on ‘getting their task done’ and earning money for it and call it a job/ working, sometimes never knowing how that assembly process fits within the entire construction of the whole product = absolute alienation that extended beyond the work-job experience, but also within society wherein you earn money – you spend-  you eat- you ‘entertain’ yourself – you create a family – you work until you die – then you die. And repeat the same the next life: nothing else but batteries within this system.

 

What we are doing now is absolutely the opposite of anything capitalism: we are slowing down, we are learning how to care for each other as equals, we are not doing it for any form of ‘profit’ but to create sustainable environments that will sustain/ support many more people willing to support themselves/other as equals – which is like your ‘pay it forward’ movie – we are learning to dissociate from everything that would keep us occupied in our minds: useless thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, opinions that do not stand in the best interest of all life here in/as the physical reality; we are learning how to create relationships/ agreements that are Self-Supportive in the individuality required to stop all forms of co-dependency, instead of following through with the same repetitive short-lived experiences that begin with/ by desires, hopes and dreams that run dry very quickly once the sex is gotten and the money is gone. We are learning to educate ourselves not only in one single ‘field’/specialization of this reality, we are becoming holistic learners of this reality, with the REAL sense of what holistic means because we are getting education that no one has ever received in this world and that is now possible through all the material at eqafe, the Desteni I Process and every single blog, article, interview, post that you may find in all the various places Desteni and Equal Money System are located in the web. To place it shortly: we are learning how to live as Equality of Life for the very first time.

 

If anyone reading this asks themselves: oh but what have we done before then? We have only demoneyzed reality through seeing everything as Money, seeing all that is of the Earth not as unconditional resources that we can use to Live, but as products that we can put price tags on and make them ‘our own’ to sell them to others and make a ‘good business’ out of it. We have only seen convenient relationships to make us ‘feel good’ about ourselves and use that as a way to match it with the elusive desires to ‘make it’ as in being ‘successful’ in a world fabricated and staged to make Every-one seek the same thing, as that is what ‘activates the economy.’

 

 

We had not been living, we had just been killing time and I’ve just ripped of Thom Yorke for that, but it’s true. And before I continue wallowing in such depressive lyrics that would set the tonality for my days – every single day –in the past,  I realize that I can take everything that we have been as an example of what Not to promote in this world, what not to continue perpetuating as ‘culture’ I mean, it is quite obvious now how everything has been intertwined and specifically designed to keep us very busy with our mechanical jobs,  mechanical prayers, mechanical interactions to get our quick fix just like drugs – mechanical family-makings, mechanical pre-fab aspirations and ‘dreams’ – mechanical gatherings where the same mind-bullshit is regurgitated, everyone pursuing the exact same ‘dream’ lol – and mechanical views upon life wherein positivity would mostly shape and mold the feeble minds of ours,because it would create a ‘good will’ feeling wherein we would be willing to do anything to get the necessary money to ‘make our dreams come true.’ And so we turned and turned and turned the wheel until we started realizing that the more we spun it, the more the whales cried because we are depleting the Earth’s resources in the name of such mechanical lifestyle.

 

Sometimes I see that it will be virtually impossible to do this in a lifetime – this is where the ‘fogbound’ point comes in, as it is just ‘too much’ or ‘how the hell are we going to do this? where to begin with?– yet this can only exist if ‘I’ me-myself as the woman here typing is wanting to get to live the results ‘herself’ instead of Hereself. Within this, what I have realized is that I definitely want to be part of the people that are willing to do anything that is required to begin with the transformation that this world requires. I want children to come into this world and Know that there is a group of beings that are working to create the necessary transformations in this world to a Best for All Living-Principled society/ environment.

 

This is how we cannot ‘blame’ our parents or anyone – we have all done it in this mindset of energizer-bunnies that only sought to keep going on and on and on without ever pondering: well, what the hell am I doing this for? what are the consequences of me ‘living’ this way? And anyone that dared to express this and really ponder about it – because there have been several people in the world that genuinely tried to ‘make a difference’ in this world – were eventually subsumed within the entire survival-system or simply exterminated by it, because it was just impossible for one single being to do such changes all alone. This is how it is important to unite as many people as we can, because we realize that it will take a massive amount of people standing within the principle of What’s Best for All in order to work together and really establish what’s been elusively called as ‘Heaven on Earth’ – which I tend to resist saying because I simply don’t know what that would be like. All I get in my mind is this open plain space where the grass is green and there’s a nice breeze of air flowing lol with preferably some clouds and everyone just enjoying themselves –that’s it.

 

So, what I’ve realized is that we cannot be as apprehensive as we have been toward ourselves which has been based within a system wherein any ‘fuckup’ costs money, wherein any failure means you are ‘worthless’ or ‘ruined for life’ – wherein any sense of ‘demotivation’ means you are ready to be replaced by fresh bait/ cannon fodder – depending on the use of work-force in our current system – wherein taking some time off to evaluate yourself, your life and ‘who you are’ means potential realizations coming through, hence ‘providing’ you with all forms of enticing entertainment to make sure you remain stuck desiring sex, money and all the power in the world.

 

What we are learning to do is to not have any sense of ‘loss’ upon mistakes, not judging ourselves when we fuck up, not project our judgments upon others when others do fall and stumble on their own mistakes, because we learn from each other that way as well.  We are learning not to ‘Save the World’ but to be the change it requires, and that implies that it won’t be solved just with a thousand smiles and an 8 digit check for the cause – No. We are learning that our fuckups, mistakes reveal which points we have always missed within this reality, creating the current outcome of a society divided by its own negligence toward each other as Equals. These ‘Fogbound’  moments are here to get to know what is it that is causing such experience, what am I still defining myself according to, what is it that I am expecting to live of myself without realizing that I have Never ever lived before? The trick is to keep breathing, definitely and not to remain ‘still’ for far too long – but to re-assess our application and continue walking. Idleness has been quite a fuckup in my past wherein I get to that ‘giving up’ point in such stagnation and then shift my attention to ‘something else’ that looks like it would require ‘less effort.’ No man, we don’t have plan B’s here. We make it or we die.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obfuscate myself with my own thoughts about ‘all that will be required to be done in order to change the world’ wherein I see the ‘bigger picture’ and it just seems ‘too much’ without realizing that this is me only ‘thinking’ about change, but not Being the change that is required, which is not separated from myself as breath here, walking the necessary actions – step by step – to stop such enslaving system within me first, to educate myself, to learn from my own mistakes and failures in order to see what will work for all as equals, what must be corrected in order to ensure that we walk this process once and we do it right.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take ‘failures’ as something personal, wherein I see and realize that I have been conditioned to believe that me not being ‘right’ all the time within this process is a way to reveal to myself how I had only learned how to ‘live’ within a system of values and worth in  separation of who we are as life, wherein any fuckup/ failure/ mistake is punished and means a general ‘devaluing’ process wherein the person is then stigmatized and seen as ‘not worthy’/ not ‘good enough’ without seeing that this is only within the same value-schemes that we have lived as capitalist-minds that never considered the physicality of ourselves, of who we are as life – hence, I stop diminishing myself and opting-myself-out any moment that I fail, that I fall, that I make a mistake and within this stopping all thoughts associated with ‘giving up’ and seeing everything as ‘impossible’ or ‘too much’ because: this is only a mind-generated mechanism wherein it is simpler to just ‘go with the flow’ of the current world which is a statement of not really being willing to do this for ourselves As ourselves as the potential living-beings that we all are.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impose the same judgments upon myself, the world and others that have stemmed from the past as all the limitations we have imposed onto ourselves due to our very own thinking-processes with which we have devalued ourselves in a way that is not at all originating from Life itself, but only our self-deprecating minds that are used to giving up any moment that a single obstacle is existent in our reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure, which is only in accordance to the necessary step for me to see that everything that we had only ‘maintained’ was a system of abuse, limitation, fears, judgments, opinions and beliefs upon life, but never Life itself. Therefore, the realization that every attempt to ‘live’ that is not in accordance to what is best for all coming to an obvious failure is necessary in order to establish our starting-line as the starting-point of self creation within the necessary principle that had never been considered/ contemplated in reality which is Equality as Life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as apathy when seeing things as pointless, useless or without any definitive ‘result’ that I have been used to obtaining to declare that something ‘works/ doesn’t work’ in a short period of time, I realize that patience is required for me to understand that it will take as much time I spent on creating myself to correct and re-create myself and this world within a clear starting point of what’s best for all. Therefore I see, realize and understand that apathy is just another way to loop-around the ‘known me’ that preferred the comfort of ‘not giving a fuck’/ not doing anything to challenge the belief of ‘who I am’ which is what must be stopped within me as it is only consisting of thoughts, emotions and memories that are Not who I am here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having ever feared ‘making mistakes’ and ‘fucking it all up’ based on that meaning that I would no longer be valuable/ worthy, ‘trust worthy’ for anyone, without realizing that I had not even developed my own self-trust as life itself, but only as knowledge and information that I acquired to define myself as a ‘confident’ and ‘secure’ person, while in fact none of us have ever actually lived self-trust as life, which is living as breath, physically here and realizing and understanding that any sense of ‘security’ comes as the current status of ourselves being well fed, having a place to live and having comfort and even luxuries that have made our life this comfortable pillow to lay upon while the rest of our existence as this world is obviously not having the same as we do at the moment. Hence the importance of developing this actual CARE as in seeing what we Are/ have become and understanding that ‘them’ is ourselves’ and if we don’t do this for ourselves first, we won’t  do it for anything/ anyone else. Because we had been training ourselves to only see for our own survival and look after our own ownerships and benefits and satisfactions that were based upon the same system that must be debunked in order to re-establish the real values based upon Life itself, which is currently Non-existent and must be Self-Created as the Self-Willed realization that there won’t be any ‘profit’ made form it, other than actual solid and stable foundations to support each other as Equals, which will be in the end the ultimate ever-lasting reward-system that will not be based upon Abuse, but Equality as Life.

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no realize that judgment is the Experience of the Past confirming that Life is Not Here, as the Experience of Energy Resulted in actions and Consequence of Energy Self-Interest that Crossed the Line of Dividing Life into Past, Present  and Future – turning Life into the Fiction of Experience of Energy that is Desire, Perpetuating the Desires till Death as Crucifixion. Thus, unless one Die Alive and End the Addiction to the Experience of Energy as the False Image of Self, Death Ends the Experience as the Opportunity to Be Life is No More. Thus, consider Rebirth as the End of Energy and Not the Purification of Energy as All experience as Energy is Always just the Past Repeating itself – and unless the Past is Over, Life will not Be Born from the Physical as What is the Same Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.” Bernard Poolman *

 

I commit myself to stop within my mind this experience of being ‘fogbound’ wherein everything seems hazy and not clear enough for me to ‘know’ where to direct myself, which is a knowledge point and not a self-movement realization wherein we understand that there is no ‘ready-made picture’ that I can look at and walk this process to ‘get there,’ but actually see/ realize and understand that we are actually walking this process as we live day by day wherein knowledge and information as pictures or ideals to obtain do not exist, but only a principle is certain: Equality as Life.

 

I commit myself to not give into this ‘standstill’ moments wherein I believe that I have the ‘right’ to not do anything for a moment, without realizing that this is another form of ‘freechoice’ and ‘freewill’ that is embedded within the individualism that we have propagated as a ‘way of living’ in this world, which keeps us bound to the same separation that is generating the current world system we’re living. Therefore, I realize, see and understand that I must keep in mind that this is an existential process wherein I stand as a self-willed part/ particle as part of the equation that requires us all to be a part of in order to establish what’s best for all life.

 

I commit myself to see and realize that only wallowing in my mistakes, failure and self-deprecation is essentially self-interest as I am only considering ‘Me’ in this experience that is, obviously, self-created while in fact saying a big ‘fuck you’ to everything/ everyone else because: if I am not willing to do this as myself within the realization that doing it for me in Equality as What’s Best for All = doing it for All in Equality, I won’t be willing to ever live, as simple as that and I would only confirm that the mind wins, that I am incapable of changing myself and remain stuck in my own bubble until it dries and I die.

 

I commit myself to support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, self corrective application to re-settle myself within the understanding of what is it that I am doing this for, and not create a point of separation from that ‘outcome’ and ‘purpose’ outside of myself, but realize it As myself in every moment – hence understanding that me giving-up-on-myself is essentially me confirming that I am a mind-system that cannot possibly get out of the traps of the mind specifically set and designed to maintain ourselves in these individual-egotistical stances that have never cared or even considered Life in Equality as who we really are.

 

When and as I see myself standing-still within this fog that I create as this experience within and as my mind when seeing the reality that we have become and the extent of changes and corrections required in this world, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am projecting this as a ‘wholeness’ that seems like ‘too much’ and it is IS if I only considered ‘myself’ as my own limited mind to assess our abilities and capabilities, because I see and realize that who we are as the mind is a limitation in itself and won’t be able to ‘grasp’ our ability to function in Equality because the mind in itself is programmed, designed in order to only function as an individual – therefore I realize that being ‘fogbound’ is the same as getting into a ‘cannot compute’ experience that I can transcend within taking a deep breath, bringing myself here to stop the overwhelming thoughts and re-mind myself that I am learning how to live for the very first time as a physical time-space living being that won’t get any quick-fixes and immediate results, but that is walking this process as I walk and live day by day until it is done.

 

We cannot intellectualize this process, it is walked as we breathe.

 

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Day 23: E-cummulation

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become a being that will only ‘accept myself’ / my ‘who I am’ based on the extent/amount of energy-experience I accumulate/manifest as consume within/as myself”

Sunette Spies Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my beingness as a limitation, a caging of self-expression into a confinement called experience wherein who I am was reduced to being a single word as the name of an experience that I could identify as ‘who I am,’ in order to think, believe and perceive that ‘this is who I am’ and according to such definition, thinking ‘I am alive’ –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never question or even ponder about the experiences that I became so automated to seek, such as a sense of satisfaction, a single thrill from going to places, meeting people, hearing music, watching/ observing the world wherein I created relationships as experiences wherein all that I would ever experience is myself as my own programmed energetic reactions as the definitions that I created in order to make me feel ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with anything/ anyone in my world in order to keep myself occupied in a constant experience that I created about something/ someone as that constant fueling ‘toward’/ in the expectation of an experience within a certain event, within consuming something, within meeting someone, within going to a certain place, within buying something wherein it would always feel better to exists in such anticipation that would eventually wane once that such expectation was fulfilled in either a positive or negative result, and within this experience the ups and downs of my self created patterns of experiences that I defined myself as ‘living for.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always seek a crutch to keep living/ keep going in my reality – whether it was waiting for school to end, waiting for vacations, waiting for a concert, wanting to meet someone, waiting to ‘be older’ and always future projecting these events that I would accumulate energy toward and when such events would be gone/ fulfilled/ completed, I would go just like a vampire seeking for another ‘energy source’ for my next high to accumulate energy to eventually have it dissipate once that the ‘target was met’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a moment/ experience builder wherein through giving meaning and values to everything and everyone around me, I crafted my own networks of energetic resources to ‘sip from’ – and within this it is to be understood how we have not in fact ever lived, because we have only sought to get high from energy and energetic experiences in either a positive, negative or neutral spectrum wherein we are constantly feeding a ‘state of mind’ that is kept as a constant thinking in our heads and in that, not being aware of what is it that I am in fact doing to myself, because I cannot see how thoughts that I create require energy to exist and such energy is sipped from the food that I consume as the physical resources in order to keep my ‘personal mind-heaven’ going as a constant experience-seeker.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the relationships that I had formed toward people/ things/ places/ past and present because of thinking that I would be ‘dead’ as a ‘vegetable,’ without realizing that who I am as Life doesn’t require and in fact is violated/ abused the moment that we use it and denigrate its wholeness as substance into a single energetic experience wherein I am defining myself as that experience that I believe is ‘fulfilling’ and ‘satisfactorily’ which is how  I accepted and allowed to continue ‘building up experiences’ as memories that I could keep in my mind to continue my dreams and desires going, believing that I was doing ‘no harm’ in following these experiences, even though I was aware of how the effect of such highs would lead me to a low that I would seek to get back on top again, and in that allow myself to exist in this vicious cycle of ups and downs and believing that when I was in a ‘neutral’ state, I was ‘stable’ no realizing that I was still simply waiting in the middle ground to have some positive or negative experience to wind up my energetic self-experience again.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge the point of ‘stopping the mind’ as being dead and being ‘idle’ without realizing that the idleness that I would experience was self-created through thinking patterns of not getting ‘enough’ positive experiences and not being able to take me down to the bottom of the extreme negative out of fear of who I would become-  therefore idleness was a constant state of seeking and fearing myself as experiences, that I would cover up or maintain in a perceived ‘nothingness’ status quo, without realizing that I was in fact thinking myself into it, and still only defining myself as that experience of ‘nothingness’ without realizing that I was not really Here, breathing as my physical body – I was simply in a limbo position wherein self-direction was non existent.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self direction and self-will to the will of who I am as what I have defined myself within the context of experiences as positive, negative and evidently neutral experiences wherein my beingness became a ‘state of being,’ wherein ‘who I am’ became a single definition according to ‘how I am experiencing myself’ and in this, never really considering that the physicality that I am and exist as is in fact the reality of myself – simply because of having accepted these energetic experiences as ‘who I am,’ and within this perceiving breathing, being here as being dead. The world is in reverse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into moments of yearning to ‘experience’ something which is just like a drug addict that yearns to have another fix, just because of realizing to what extent we have defined who we are according to an experience, a rush, an ‘elevation’ that can only last for so long wherein the rest of this reality is absolutely side viewed and disregarded, because I accepted and allowed myself to only care about me, my satisfaction and this becoming part of the army of egotism as a ‘lifestyle’ wherein we as human being compete against each other, create deliberate conflict in order to be on top of others, deliberate cheat and lie to become ‘better’ than others in our own minds – and i f such results are not fulfilled, we veer to a negative reinforcement wherein the opposite experiences are embraced in order to get the same energetic experience yet within a not so popular way of creating our own personal heaven, which is how paraphilias and so called mental fetishisms are created, as such ‘special relationships’ that are not broadly accepted as ways to trigger out emotions/ feelings just the same way that light and love is broadly accepted as an energy trigger.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not be ‘someone’ unless  I was valued, worthy, recognized, appraised by others which meant that without the experiences that I would get from such relationships, I would perceive myself as non-existent, just because of the extent that I had delegated everything that I am as a physical breathing human body to only be running on energetic experiences at a mind level, wherein suffering or any perceived depression was equally satisfactory in a reversed manner, wherein I would get a kick out of that which is gloomy and depressive and sad/ dismal/ lugubrious/ obscure – without ever considering that I was living just the opposite side of seeking happiness, bliss, love, light and all the positive aspects that I deemed as ‘socially acceptable,’ which meant that my energetic-drive was a constant opposition toward that which was socially acceptable as good/ benevolent, which came from me designing myself a deliberate disruption to a perceived perfect world and stable environment, which means that

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always want to get an energetic experience the moment that I perceived that ‘nothing was going on,’ which asserted me as only being ‘existent’ and ‘alive’ if I was desiring, looking forward to, expecting, seeking, wanting, desiring, as these energetic hooks that I would extend to something/ someone in order to keep that mind-relationship in place that I could use at any given moment to trigger a positive or negative experience out of, without ever realizing that I was merely confirming that negative experienced that ensued the moment that I separated myself form the whole in this individualization of ‘who I am’ as only a definition, an idea of self, a set of preferences and dislikes that can only exists as a particular configuration of ‘who I am’ wherein all actions, thoughts, deeds had a calculated outcome/ effect according to my input/ placing myself as the cause to obtain a result, which is what lead me to become like a hunter or a vampire in my reality wherein everything that I would say/ do/ think and live out would be in order to get an experience out of what I perceived others would do/ say/ convey as a result of my input, wherein I became an actual energy-hunter with strategies and energy-triggers that I embodied as ‘who I am,’ in order to get people’s attention and at the same time, be rejecting such attention which is the typical love-hate polarity game that we play in order to keep our poles as energetic devices that run on energy, which is what I used my physical body to do, just an energy transformer to fulfill my mind-elations.

 

 

“we’ve become beings within existence, that only exist for as long as we can power/empower ourselves from/of the transforming of our beingness substance into/as Energy – limiting the ‘time’ of our existence to the equation of the relationship between our substance and the consuming of that substance into energy. Where in the very nature/manifestation within ourselves as manifested-singularities in the beginning, we’d come into being as an individualized part/expression of/as substance, but immediately proceed with the processes of consuming our own substance/life and transforming it into energy. And as we continue within that process, we’re consuming our own ‘life’.” Sunette Spies [a]

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get used to being constantly seeking and experiencing ‘something’ as giving name to that self-created and maintained experience at a mind level toward my reality and people wherein within this self-idealization as separate from the rest, all that was left for me to do is giving names, categorizing, assessing, valuing, devaluing this reality into a way that I could claim was ‘my own life’ as ‘my opinion’ about the world, as ‘my perspective’ as ‘my mind’ that I sought to have people ‘respect’ because I had taken the time to dissociate myself in specific elitist manners wherein not everything/ everyone could be part of my ‘specialized world’ in my mind wherein only ‘special beings’ and ‘special people’ and ‘special traits’ would be regarded as worthy of being in my mind-trophy wall of points that would make me feel good about myself/ others and the world as a point of relationship/ separation from who I really am, wherein I was making the statement of ‘I am an individual that exists as this specific configuration of separation as relationships that trigger a positive or negative experience within me, wherein I am nothing else but these experiences that I get from naming, identifying, judging, valuing, assessing others and everything in separation of myself, which is how I had lived as a knowledge and information robot that disregarded the very life essence that would allow such thoughts, such schemes, such experiences to continue as thoughts  in my head that would turn into experiences that would turn into ‘who I am’ in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to live for and drive myself to seek the most ‘original ways’ as usually understood as that desire to be as ‘singular/ special/ unique’ as possible wherein deliberate fascinations as relationships to what which wasn’t ‘socially acceptable/ embraced’ became ‘my point of fascination’ wherein I believed that I was ‘unlike anyone else’ because no one that I knew would have the same likes and preferences, and in this, I felt ‘special’ and ‘rivalry-safe’ wherein anyone that could seemingly present a similar pattern of likes/ preferences in my world, I would immediately identify as a potential rival/ enemy that I had to overcome and out-do in any possible way, which implied I had to go a notch higher to identify myself with a more ‘extreme’ version of that which defined ‘who I am’ in order to always be able to remain as a ‘winner’ within the idea of who I am toward my environment and others in it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always put all effort, time and money to make of any experience within my life something that I could call ‘memorable’ as the creation and energy-input that I would give in order to get the most ‘fulfilling effect’ out of it, as a memory that I could keep/ cherish for further ‘remembrance’ as in being able to re-live that energy as ‘who I am’ in any given moment, just like the mechanism of revamping experiences through memories and get the same ‘experience’ that I had initially decided I would imprint such memory with, wherein my memories became ‘my life,’ the definition of me as events, people, places, words, things as the e-ccumulation of myself as this energized personality as my ego, as ‘my precious’ that I had carefully crafted in order to eventually, someday, be ‘proud of who I am’ as a lifetime achievement of these positive experiences that could make me feel like ‘more’ than who I am as the simplicity of a physical body here, that I never ever regarded as the actuality of who I really am, and instead having lived the exact opposite wherein ‘all that I was’ was this collection of memories, events, experiences that I could re-live/ re-vamp through bringing the memory here and getting the same energetic experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that ‘who I am’ is this accumulation of energy as memories, experiences and ideas of myself in order to eventually be able to judge my life as successful, miserable or plain/ dull according to the expectations as dreams that I had set up for myself while growing up, wherein the pursuit of happiness was reinforced in school when having to write about our future and ‘where would we see ourselves in’ wherein if one would not achieve such dreams, I would deem my life as a failure; without realizing that it is within these future projections to ‘fulfill my dreams’ that I accepted and allowed myself to continue supporting the same system of incentives and rewards as ‘living’ wherein the accumulation of ‘who I am’ can be eventually considered as a successful living or not within my own mind and at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘miss out on life’ because of constantly talking myself into an experience and seeking for some experience deliberately either positive or negative but ‘experiencing’ something as I feared my non-thinking and non-existence as not being experiencing something, which is the exact opposite of what is actually real, wherein being here breathing, moment by moment is living and any diversion from the physical moment as breathing, is indicating me a point of relationship as an experience that I have created within myself in separation of who I am.

I realize that within being here as a whole, I don’t require to ‘accept’ myself as something as I am it, – therefore I see the importance of walking all past relationships as the very manifestation of separation-codes that I created toward ‘others’ in my reality as a reference of my relationships toward everything/ everyone to keep my ‘personality’ in place, wherein I had to ‘have an opinion’ have an experience toward everything and everyone in order to be able to ‘relate to them,’ which was diminishing ‘who I am’ as a character seeking to establish relationships of acceptance/ rejection of others in separation of self, a complete cycle of segregation from the wholeness that I have neglected as who I really am.

 

I commit myself to walk my relationships as the point of responsibility that I hold toward myself as the whole as the points that I have created and deliberately participated in ensuing separation within the acceptance of me as a character/ personality/ ego that ‘had to’ have an experience toward reality, otherwise I would be seen as ‘character-less’ and ‘bland’ and ‘dead’ which is how I accepted to play the games of society to always be either in a positive or a negative experience for the sake of complying to what we have socially accepted as ‘living’ as being either happy/ fulfilled/positive experience or miserable/ depressed/negative experience, as the polarities that would invariably go up and down in each being’s life in order to maintain a polarized reality that would generate enough energy to keep our ‘heaven’ in place as a custom-made paradise that would apparently fulfill our dreams/ our lives as a reward of living an accumulation of good deeds within the score-kept to eventually believe that I could be ‘more’ at the end of my life than who I really am, which is ludicrous in nature – yet as real as the consequences/ effect of my initial belief within this energetic system as ‘who I am.’

 

I commit myself to walk the necessary writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to walk my relationships as points of separation into ‘giving back to myself’ as the reintegration of myself as who I really am wherein all reactions created toward ‘another’ are recognized as self and as such, given-back to finally stop participating in generating energy to continue living as a e-ccumulation of experiences as ‘who I am,’ which is correcting my living from ego/ as energy experiences into an earthing-grounding-birthing myself as a physical being that does not require to thrive on energy to exist – but only establish equal agreements toward everything and everyone within the necessary relationships that we are currently existing as Life in this reality.

 

That implies that a practical way to stop all friction, all positive reinforcement and negative devaluing is through equalizing Money in this reality to finally recognize each other as equal-parts of who I am, as equal-cells of the body that I exist as wherein I realize within common sense how it is the only way that we can continue living in this world, otherwise cancer is created as an over-growth that indicates negligence toward the whole as who I am. For this the Equal Money System is the solution that will equalizing the playing field within humanity to start acknowledging each other as equals, while walking our individual processes of re-educating ourselves to grasp, understand and live the law of our being as equality as a living realization of who we really are.

 

 

I realize that keeping myself within the existence of ‘who I am’ as energy, I am ensuring my own depletion as keeping my ego in place implies I must consume the earth to exist as I am defining the ‘who I am’ in separation of the whole, which is how this reality has become the egofication as the fixations that we created and accepted as ourselves within our minds as experiences toward all in separation of ourselves. Thus for me to establish an equal and one recognition, I set agreements wherein no abuse is possible as such separation will recede as I walk a process of self-forgiveness to give myself back to myself, reintegrating myself to all the parts that I have defined myself in separation of.

 

 

Last Man on Earth

Last Man on Earth 2009

“The World-System of Money is consuming the very life of/as this physical existence, only because it’s on an existential scale it takes longer than what we do within ourselves and our own human physical bodies, where instead of this existence being manifested within the equal and one support of life and living – the World-System of Money is consuming this physical existence to its slow, sure but certain death. Rotting ourselves away from the inside and out, as we have become the very enzymes within our relationship to substance/physical as our relationships creations of energy that deteriorate and break-down substance/physical-tissue for our own survival as Energy-Consuming machines: Rotting ourselves away within and without – instead of standing equal-to and one with substance/physicality to produce life/living…” Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

 

Blogs for Further Support:

 

Visit journey to life for more blogs


Day 18: Self-Interest Sabotage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept Selfishness as an inherent part of ‘who I am’ as human nature wherein I learned that I had to only care about myself and not bother to look at others’ lives as that would ‘consume me in worry/ concern’ that was ‘unnecessary’ within my life as a child when I would worry/ concern about others’ experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tamper my incipient common sense by what I accepted as ‘education’ wherein I learned to cover up my actual experience toward others with words like ‘Don’t care about them, don’t look at them, that’s their life’ and in that, accepting that I should only care about myself and focus on only achieving my ‘personal satisfaction’ wherein everything then became me-and-only-me in my world, to the point wherein any bit of looking outside into the world became an instant no-no within my mind, because of believing that others’ lives had Nothing to do with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use education and parental advices as a living-blueprint wherein I shut off my common sense and consideration/ regard for others, creating a great instability and dissatisfaction within myself, a constant ‘anguish’ that I could not pinpoint because ‘everything was alright’ in my life, I had it all, I was cared for, I was supported financially but something just wasn’t right in the world and in my attempt to discover what was it that was concerning me, I only created further experiential anguish and concern and worry with ‘making up a point’/ creating a point, that wasn’t initially ‘there’ but I believed that I had to find a reason for my experience which lead me to then create experiences in my world to ‘give it a name’ as a justification for that process of deliberately blinding me from looking at the world as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cloud my discomfort when getting a reward from my parents for ‘being a good student’ such as money or gifts wherein I would feel discomfort and it didn’t seem ‘right’ as I was doing it for myself, but I accepted the reward because ‘hey, it’s money, I can buy stuff with it’ and essentially within this giving-into the system of reward and ‘prices’ for ‘doing good in school,’ which I later on said it wasn’t necessary – but because I had accepted it as part of ‘parental love,’ I ended up using such reward to my convenience to get stuff that would make me ‘happy,’ and in this, accepting the motivation to do well, to take responsibility in separation of myself while accepting then the idea that I must always be rewarded, thanked for and appreciated for everything that I do.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that it was ‘wrong’ to take rewards from my father and feeling embarrassed about it, yet eventually ‘giving in’ to it because it seemed it ‘made others happy to do so,’ and in that complying to the parenting/ child belief system of reward and love as giving prices/ money that could ‘make me happy’ because I believed that their happiness depends on ‘my happiness.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my common sense to play a part of the reward/ manipulation masked as care/ love by parents/ teachers and within this any other reward-system existing in this world that begins at home, wherein we learn that we require something to motivate us which is ultimately in the form of money, as everything that is here that can be ‘given’ currently has a price tag attached to it, as the symbol of separation that we have accepted as a form of possession wherein ‘I’ have accepted and allowed myself to possess ‘something/ someone’ in the name of personal power, while neglecting the fact that nothing that is here I can actually possess, no one that is here can actually be Mine – though because of accepting this ‘idea’ of myself as an ‘owner’ and a ‘winner’ I became absolutely accustomed to the idea of buying stuff in means of caring for others, giving stuff in means of obtaining appreciation, giving something to someone while expecting a reward, which is me playing the game of this entire world that lives and thrives upon ownership and possession.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge other children for being ‘whiners’ and manipulating their parents to get stuff at the supermarket, while taking on the haughty position of being ‘above that’ and feeling good for ‘not playing that game,’ without realizing that I DID play that game in various other ways in my reality wherein I knew that accumulating a ‘good profile’ within my family and my environment, would lead me to get what I wanted because of thinking ‘I deserve this/ I earned this/ I should have access to that’ – and this, perpetuating my own ‘masked’ reward system wherein I learned how to use my ‘props’ and ‘points’ accumulated through time for being a ‘good student’ and a ‘good person’ that would lead me to eventually ‘have/ own what I want,’ because of thinking ‘hey, I’ve done ‘good’ I deserve my piece of the cake!’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a superiority position while being in this world because of ‘noticing’ the manipulation patterns within children and parents and judging them, without first looking at myself and How I was living the exact same point minus the tantrums but in a very specific and masked with ‘modesty’ type of manipulation wherein I would always say ‘It is not necessary for you to give me presents, I do this for myself,’ yet eventually opening my hand to get the money to buy whatever I already knew that I wanted to get, in this placing all integrity aside and giving into the money, the ‘power’ as the reward that I did know  could accept as everyone else did it, everyone else does it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to secretly judge my classmates every time that they said: ‘Oh I wanna be like you and have your grades, let me hand my parents your notes/grades/record so that they can buy me whatever I want/ with your notes I would get whatever I would want from my parents/ I would make my parents happy with your record’ wherein I judged them as manipulators and cheaters and selfish and interested people, while disregarding the fact that deep inside I knew I would ‘modestly’ accept prices and rewards for my grades while placing a face and a cloak of ‘Oh it’s not necessary, I don’t require your money’ but in the end, accepting it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always place a nice face whenever I required money to buy something and speaking in a high pitch voice and move my face in a way wherein I knew that my father/ mother would not be able to ‘say no’ to buy me/ get me what I wanted, and in this playing out the same manipulation system wherein the bond of family/ love is used in order to ‘get what I want.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a life based on accumulating ‘good interest’ just like when you build a good profile in a banking system that enables you to get ‘all the credit you want,’ and in fact learning about this from what my father taught me about banking status/ profile wherein he would get all offers to get credit and he’d always refuse because of not wanting to get into debt, and in that I learned how I could have ‘the world at my feet’ by accumulating a ‘good profile’ within my world wherein I could use that credit as in obtaining rewards at any given moment because of having accumulated such ‘good profile’ throughout my life. This means that everything that I’ve done within my self-created belief of modesty and ‘integrity’ has Always had a point of self-interest behind, a monetary potential in the background as I knew that within keeping walking the steps of becoming a ‘good citizen’ and learn how to administrate my money, I could get to a higher position in society.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the fact that I was actually taught how to save money as a means of security and how Money played a big role from the very first moments that I would get money from my father with which I knew I could buy things that I wanted. I became so used to getting money on a weekly basis that I learned that this life was about buying stuff as a means of obtaining happiness and fulfilling myself with ‘buying.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep my savings in a zealous manner, as I knew that I was already ‘building my profile’ as being a ‘saver’ which meant something good within the world system where people that get the benefits are the ones that are able to obtain interests from capitalizing that money in the bank.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a ‘saver’ made me a ‘better person’ and not a ‘bad person’ such as the people that owed money to the banks –within this, believing that all the money that I owned was ‘clean’ and was ‘good money’ because it was earned/ worked for without ever ever questioning why some people had to borrow money to the bank, why was there not enough money for people regardless of them working for it or not – why was life denied to others and having to go through extreme financial troubles that would lead them to their own death, because of how the money system works.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only be confused about how the money system works as a child, not getting any proper explanation to why poverty exists and instead, only learning to focus on me, my savings, how to administrate my money and in that becoming a life-time administrator wherein money is always carried with me as a means of security, as a means of survival, as a means of protecting myself from ‘anything’ that I could require as I’ve learned that I can buy anything in this world with money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this, develop a ‘good persona’ idea of myself wherein because of knowing that my family/ my father had ‘no debt’ I took on that position of feeling good about money because of believing that we were not ‘bad people’ that ‘owed’ to the bank because of not being proper administrators. Within this,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always automatically/ by default through what I learned judge anyone that owes to the bank/ that has debt because of considering this as a synonym of them being ‘bad people’ that somehow had corrupted themselves to not be able to get money, without ever actually investigating that MONEY in itself exists as DEBT as that inherent point of enslavement and separation that we have created in the name of power, of some having ‘more’ than others’ and some others having ‘less’ or no money at all, and in that neglecting the fact of the world system running in inequality, which I simply accepted as ‘how things are,’ because I was taught that ‘I should not worry about that, it’s not in my power to change it’ – hell no.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate a positive experience within myself when I had accumulated money through saving within this ‘saver’ personality as building a ‘good reputation’ within the system, which became my way of functioning in the world as I knew that all the scores throughout my life in school as being a good student, my life within my family as ‘being a good daughter, ‘ my ‘good will’ within society as a ‘good and concerned citizen’ would lead me to a  position of comfort and financial stability in the future – apparently – because of having learned that one gets rewards for ‘being a good person’ and in that, accepting the fact that some others would inherently be damned to not have enough money to live, which I justified as them having been lazy/bad administrators/ corrupted people, which is how I ‘made sense’ of this world living in disparity, placing each person through my own judgmental values of what lead you to be ‘rich’ or ‘have enough money to live’ or ‘be poor/ starving’ wherein I thought that it was directly related to ‘who they had been’ in their world, neglecting the obvious facts wherein people are born into such positions which means that they had no say within their world in terms of money, as family/ context/ environmental predisposition as inherent conditions within each human being’s life was not seen by myself at the time.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build a persona of and as ‘modesty’ wherein I would take all the awards/ rewards and recognition only as an accumulation of ‘good score’ that I knew would get me anywhere I wanted in this reality, and in fact it did in terms of education and within that feeling ‘great’ for having known how to use the system  – yet being moral about it in terms of seeing it as a ‘goodness’ within me, wherein anyone else that could Not access to the same that I had access to, I deemed as less than/ stupid/ lazy/ irresponsible and within that, asserting that I was ‘on the right path’ to become that whichever I wanted to become, because ‘I had earned it/ I had become it honestly’ without seeing that money was the actual motivation for all of this lifetime of achievements that I kept as a score in such a proud silent manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link ‘good finances’ and ‘good administration’ to being a ‘good person’ wherein I took the role model of my father as a ‘good administrator’ which I see would lead me to ‘success’ without realizing that within this accepted form of manipulation/ use of the ways within the system, I accepted such ways as ‘okay’ to live by within this world, wherein I would then measure individuals and their financial situation linked to their personal-moral and ethics within this world, separating ‘good people’ as people that were financially stable and ‘bad people’ as people that had lots of debts and financial troubles that would reflect in their mental instability, personal crisis and diseases that would lead them to die.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever judge people that would ‘cheat’ in the system, without realizing that I was in fact being the perfected system of cheating/ manipulating and accepting the flawed ways to thrive in this world wherein one must comply with all the ‘good aspects’ that the system/ society is expecting me to be, wherein I could finally take the ‘position’ that I had ‘earned’ throughout my lifetime, within this not Living here as myself as breath, but only living to ‘get to that superior position,’ living to get to that ‘throne’ that I believed I had earned throughout my life with ‘hard work,’ without realizing how I was essentially preprogrammed to accept myself as ‘better than others’ and in that believing that I had some higher mission to have a position of power in this world – all delusions only in my head that lead me to create this constant belief that I was ‘better than others,’ and ‘more apt’ to do whatever I had to do than others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ‘my reputation’ as the score-keeping that I’ve done throughout my life where numbers as scores, numbers as the reflection of the profile-building that I knew would get me a ‘reward’ someday, which implies that I have lived as a score-keeping system fulfilling targets to eventually be ‘free’ and ‘happy’ and ‘fulfilled’ with having achieved a lifetime of ‘good reputation’ which always translated to money and obtaining/ attaining financial stability.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of my preprogramming in ways that I knew I was only ensuring ‘my future/ my survival’ while neglecting the fact that I had to inevitably use this to benefit of all – and for a moment, get lost in the trap of attaining ‘power’ to get myself to the position that I wanted disregarding the fact that I could become the solution to this world, because of having given-up to the fact that I Can become the solution to this world and that it is not even a want/ desire to do so, but it is a point of Self-Responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately deny my abilities/ capabilities and choosing to diminish myself just because of seeing that I was becoming a ‘perfect system’ and that I was aiming at ‘getting all the power I could,’ which I judged as nasty later on in my life, judging myself for having had greedy thoughts and in that, going to the exact opposite of denying, neglecting all-things-money, all-news, all careers that I had initially sought to study in order to make of my ‘traits’ something useful within this world, and in that, going to the exact opposite which was seeking value within that which I judged as ‘non-valuable/ without a price’ such as how I deemed ‘art’ would be like. In this, my own cave was wrought.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having ever pursued my own interest while growing, then going into blame, self judgment and into the exact opposite as denying that I had ever sought such positions of power/ recognition/ elitist status by becoming the ‘black sheep’ of the family that would deliberately seek the opposite of what I had learned I ‘wanted’ to be like/ live like in the future, in this not ever realizing and pondering that I was only sabotaging myself and my ability to position myself in this world in a place wherein I could actually make a difference to it, which I realize requires education on how the system works and getting myself into a position of where the cogwheels of the system are moved in order to create a substantial change in this world/ system.

 

I now finally realize the entire fucked up sabotage to my own abilities and capabilities because of judging money as good or bad, because of judging my inherent abilities as good for the system but ‘bad for my integrity’ wherein I later on ostracized myself from ‘all things systematic’, shutting myself from continuing my education within the realms of politics and social matter that I had initially been interested in, because of having deemed it as a ‘lost cause’ and believing that I was completely incapable of doing any difference to.

I realize that I sabotaged myself by going to the exact opposite such as deliberately diminishing/ playing aloof and being seemingly ‘unaware’ of the reality because of having found that ‘not caring about the world/ only caring about myself’ was apparently more ‘fulfilling’ and an easier way to live, than having lived as a concerned/ worried person about the world – which was then integrating the belief that ‘I must only care about myself’ as ‘who I am’ and in that, wasting my abilities and capabilities for some time/ the extent of time you take to study a career because of believing that I could only ‘make the best for myself’ and that this world was doomed.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my personal interests as a way to justify my giving up on the world, my giving up on the abilities and capabilities I was fully aware I could conduct into a position that I could take on and make a difference, regardless of what everyone said about it, and instead going for the ‘easy way out’ apparently, without realizing that this would only lead me to a pointless-timeloop but probably absolutely necessary, now that I see it, because how else would I have had the time to become a real observer of the system without me trying to pursuit the same as everyone else, and now having had enough time to study how reality works, how this entire monetary system as our own reflection drives the world around and how I am perfectly capable of being in the system and creating a point of change by clearing/ and creating a complete new starting point to develop myself and my abilities to the utmost potential wherein Self-Interest and Selfishness is no longer the driving force for it, but Who I See/ Realize/ Understand is who I really am as life as all as one and equals –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my engagement with relationships that would support this ‘escapism of self responsibility’ as that would support my own ostracism and deliberate ignorance about the world system while resorting in entertainment that would only fulfill and satisfy this believed/ perceived ‘path out of the system’ wherein I allowed myself to judge the system, criticize everyone with ‘aspirations’ to succeed and taking on the exact opposite by ensuring that I would ‘never’ want to be in a position of power, because of believing that such power was real in the first place only because of money. Now I realize that if money is a belief system = power is a belief system that allows abuse – therefore I can be and become the point that utilizes all means I can in order to establish an equality in this world by me first allowing/ accepting myself as the ability to establish myself as the equal-power as an equal participant that I represent within this world and reality – no longer driven by the judgments that I have given to money/ power, but having a firm self-agreement to do this for all, as equals.

 

I see and realize that any point of judgment toward a position of power can exist if I am corrupting that power in my mind for self interest in the first place – this is the point to realize when and as I see myself judging a position of power/ myself going into a position of power in a hypothetical situation in this world, I see and realize that I can only judge it if I am embedding my ‘personal interest’ within it, and not regarding that such ‘power’ can only exist if All is equally considered in the equation, which obviously includes myself.

 

When and as I see myself judging the words ‘position of power’ when and as I hear them, I realize that I had lived a life of being conditioned to desire such power and then reject it because of the judgments I embedded onto it, not wanting to be in a ‘superior’ position by deliberately ‘lowering/ diminishing’ myself by self-judgment and in that, allow myself to only accept power as the realization of each breath that I have here in order to establish myself as the equal and one part that is able to conduct, direct and live by the principle of what’s best for all, regardless of the activity I am involved with at the moment, regardless of the ‘perceived’ position such activity entails, as I see and realize that positions of hierarchy only exist as a remains of the past that I am here to debunk, to deflate and to deconstruct to establish solutions and relationships of equality and oneness wherein no being can ever step on top of another through social acceptance of hierarchy and ‘power levels’ in this world.

This I commit myself to debunk, expose which is how ‘power’ has been a fucked up belief system wherein we have accepted and allowed ourselves to enslave each other to a more than/ less than position, sabotaging our inherent ability and capability that can be developed to establish what’s best for all in this reality as who we are, as one and equal.

 

I commit myself to make use of my abilities/ capabilities and accept myself as the path of self-perfection to ensure that all and everything that I do and accumulate is Not only for the best interest of myself, but the best interest for ALL as Equals – this is the point that changes the entire way that I as a human being has lived in this world, because I had not taken into consideration the whole as myself in the past – now I see, I realize and understand that I can use what I do, the potential I represent as an equal part/ participant of the necessary changes and processes that are required to implement and establish in this world to generate solutions and an entire point of change in this world that begins with myself, realizing how I can only have Self-Motivation as the realization of Equality as a world system that benefits all – which includes me, invariably – and in that, integrating my ‘Self-Interest’ as Previous personal interest into an actual Self-Equal and One Interest to create and manifest a world that is best for all.

I recognize that we have all been blinded to our fullest potential within structures based on fear and limitation that we can only deconstruct and reconstruct into equality if we ALL work together to take on our own lives through this deconstruction wherein I make sure that everything that I have ever been and accepted as a form of separation from the whole, is exposed, is self forgiven and corrected within the realization that this process is a collective effort to equalize life, to realize that whatever limitation another allows within themselves, it is and becomes my own limitation as well.

 

I recognize that I had been deliberately fooling around to not take the responsibility that I am fully aware I have only tampered with beliefs about myself that have deliberately maimed my abilities and capabilities, because I feared not being able to fulfill the task that I always saw I had to stand for, which is creating a world that is best for all.

 

I see and realize now that such conditions where imprinted within me as a child and that I became the perfect system to fulfill the tasks that would only benefit me within the system, disregarding that I in fact could expand and extend these achievements to a best for all outcome, which is what I here realize is what I am, what I am here to live by and establish – and that all are equally capable of doing this as well as it is not a matter of choice, but a matter of understanding who we really are and what must be done in order to establish ourselves as living-beings and stopping all survivalism in this world.

 

Self Responsibility can only be acknowledged within Self Honesty wherein what’s best for all is the only point that drives my day to day living, wherein choice doesn’t exist, it is a Self-Willed living action that I become.

 

I dedicate myself to develop my abilities and recognize my capability of becoming the point of my process as the key that I see and realize each one of us is able to be and become if our starting point is unified by a best for all principle and outcome.

 

I commit myself to not diminish myself within beliefs that I’ve kept as ‘That’s too much for me’ or ‘How am I possibly going to get there?’ without realizing that this is a physical process wherein the first point is removing all limitations and preconditions that I have accepted as ‘who I am’ and this is precisely the key point wherein the realization that I can create myself is established, with a foundation upon a living-principle as Life in Equality is the law of my being – by walking, living and aligning myself to this living-law, I am able to support life as myself, and life supports life therefore, I realize that by equalizing my potential to a best for all outcome, what I have already proven I am able and capable of being/ becoming is then expanded onto a best for all scenario, as I see and realize and understand that Life can only thrive in Equality – My life can only thrive in Equality, Existence can only thrive in Equality as Life.

Equal Money System

Desteni

Desteni I Process 

Desteni Forum to support yourself in establishing Self-Honesty as a Self-Willed living understanding of who you really are in this world.

 

 

This blog post emerged from reading the first blog listed in the blog support area, as well as the following interview that allowed me to realize for the first time what type of limitations I had lived/ accepted and allowed within my world and that I had not been able to ‘grasp’ until I listened to this and realized that I can in fact change the starting point of who I am within my abilities and capabilities and determine myself as an active participant that commits to live/ be the solution as a Self-Willed living being to Life.

 

Blog Support:

Day 18: Dementia – The Rotten Child Syndrome
Day 17: The Trap of Dementia, Part 1
Humanity Possessed: DAY 17

 

Interview Support:

A Must Watch documentary by Adam Curtis:

The Trap – 1 – F*k You Buddy


Day 11: I.O.U. Life as a Debt System of Power

Who are we serving in this life: Money or God? Or Money as God?

I was listening to this interview on the levels of ascension and the reward system in heaven that was always presented as your greatest desires and ‘last stop’ – the most fucked lives on Earth were supposed to be the ‘greatest tests of all,’  just to obtain a supposedly ‘privileged position’ in an illusion and delusional hierarchical system  while in fact, you were recycled ad nauseam with us being aware of it, yet never really doing anything to question it and ponder why on Earth we had to go through such cycles over and over and over again.

 

As above, so below: we are living the same delusion as it was lived in heaven, living a life to earn as many ‘good karma’ to eventually get back to the ‘creator’ and experience the promise of this ‘perfect eternal bliss,’ running you entire life trying to keep up with that belief living in a world wherein without money you die and/or live a life of absolute misery until you run out of time and eventually die. Who did you serve? the money system – you die and the system remains, alive and thriving on new potential batteries that must be educated, developed and well trained to become part of the ‘forces’ that maintain this entire world system alive.  Did you learn any new lessons then? No, you were ‘learning’ the same stuff over and over again without being able to remember. The question is: why did we never even questioned the reason for having been ‘separated’ from God – I mean why having to run a rat race on Earth if you were just coming from such ‘heaven’ – who is it that you were owing your life to? God? Really?

 

The fact is that God was an energetic scam to generate an illusion of a paradisiac custom-made reality after death, without ever knowing that such delusion was powered and generated by us generating energy in any possible way – any friction will do: sex, emotions, feelings, the desire for power, conflict, wars, anything that will act as a catalyst for the human to produce energy that would serve as batteries to maintain the lie ‘alive.’ We  have abused ourselves as this physical reality to keep our illusions running – and all of it to keep the idea of GOD in place, believing that we had to ascend and make the most of this one life we had – yeah, right.

 

 

Charge-Me up

Knowing that you have money gives you a certain experience of power. Knowing that you have little money really diminishes you to feeling close to nothing in this world, this is the extent that we have separated ourselves from this reality. What is the only way to generate a position of inequality: generate some conflict inside and outside to make people seek their accepted status quo, which in this world’s case is at least remaining in eternal I.O.U’s in a system of debt, yet having enough to eat every day – a status quo of abuse. That is why wars have been accepted throughout history as economy regenerators – and this is a well-known ‘secret.’ Why have we accepted the obvious separation from life to ponder some above others?

 

Separation, friction is what generates power. I remember staring at a white light for an extended period of time while being at school, and figuring out what was it that would generate this light when going from cathode to anode. The fascination from getting to know how hydraulic energy works, how Eolic energy works, the natural fall of water generating power – but what was placing everything in motion? the Earth itself as that energy in potency that it represents? How is it that we have deliberately made of the Earth and what’s here a symbol of energy, as money, using our money-coined eyes that we have wherein everything we see can be transformed into money.

 

I remember thinking about this when I was quite young and how I started thinking of food, things around me as money – and in this also seeking to not pick expensive things that I would know would require more money to be bought, replaced. I mean, taking an apple in my head would mean eating money, instead of an apple – Isn’t this also abusing life? Having to be as a child reminder that everything you consume costs money = your life is costing Me money, you owe me and there you go! A relationship of power is created right in the family system.

 

 

Family I.O.U.

This is how the family system also works wherein through a forced hierarchical system, children are made dependent of their parents through the so-called ‘family bond’ that is similar to generating debt throughout time that makes children dependent on their parents to survive at all costs to, later on in the future, be able to reclaim such expenditure that is usually sold as ‘investment’ with capitalized interest. Yes, I witnessed this with my grandmother how she would blackmail all her children within making sure she reminded them of having ‘given her entire life’ for them and their education, which would then tie my mother and all her siblings to a constant remorseful and guilty experience that made them bound to her until the day she died. And that’s how the current money system works obviously, where we are enslaved to debt from birth and in that, believe that striving for money is ‘the only way’ to exist in this world. Even people with enough money also require money to live, so no one is really out of the loop in that. The fact is that we never directed ourselves to really find out how on earth have we enslaved ourselves to such conditions, regardless of how much we can recognize that this is Not Living – and just killing life to live.

 

I feared being a financial nuisance to my family in terms of them having to spend money on me. I restricted myself from asking too much, I would always aim at the least expense, choosing the cheapest versions of the things that I required for school, most of the times making sure I could save up the most – in essence limiting myself because of having this constant fear of wasting/ using/ depleting money with my very existence. This also would extend later on every time I took a shower and pictured how much water many other that were also taking showers in the world were consuming, how many toilets were being flushed at the same time, how much food was being eaten, and it all seemed like eternal binging on Earth that would overwhelm me at a thought level.

 

Now I see why it has bothered me so much to be living, because I grew up with this constant mortification for having equated everything to money, to debt, to a form of energetic enslavement that I simply ‘was born into’ and could not get any straight answers on why on Earth money was created in such a conflictive way – meaning that it was not something anyone could get, but would have to strive for. And that’s what we have all accepted and allowed in this world: equating everything that’s here to Money as a symbol of power, which means, it cannot be ‘readily available for all’ because that would remove the preferential creation in itself that it represents as in only ‘some’ in this world being able to have it all, and that includes you and I have that have the ability to sit comfortably with a house, food, water, laptop and coffee on the side.

 

I remember that one of the reasons why I would ever think of suicide was mostly at the time of the financial strain that I wrote about in my previous blog. It worried me so much to see my father in such a strain that I thought I was to blame, because of having felt like an unwanted child, the last ‘mistake’ and then having all of these corrective processes at that time like getting orthodontic support for 5 years, which means paying quite a load of money for that – then regular electrocardiograms for my heart, because I had a slight arrhythmia developing around that time – and this sense of guilt would come through every time that my father would give me money for my week, or pay for my school’s tuition. I generated this feeling within me of having to be always extremely grateful to him for supporting me and in that, generate an experience of not owning my life, but rather owing it to someone else, which in this case is those who are able to support you financially.

 

And again, suicide is the ultimate fuckup we can ever take on within ourselves, it is becoming just another part of the consumerist system wherein someone allows oneself to be consumed by the thoughts of this all being ‘too much’ while neglecting that we are all self-created, as well as the entire system of enslavement that ensued when separating ourselves from the whole and starting forming relationships toward such points that we separated ourselves from. The only way any God could exist is through this primordial separation.

 

 

What is Life?

“At the moment, our illusionary experience as our Minds of/as Energy. Where for ‘life’ as ourselves as Energy to exist – we constantly/continuously mine the physical for our Minds, mine this physical existence for Money for the illusion of ‘life’ for a select few human beings as the Elite in this world, – Life is Death within this physical existence.
Life is supposed to be Living, and in this physical existence – no being is living, only trying to survive as a mind within and a world without with money, dying to live – literally and figuratively. Life is supposed to be all equally as one within and as this physical existence in fact Living, expressing, expanding and growing as individuals and together with and as all that is here. Not as it is now where everyone is killing themselves and each other to compete in the game of survival.” – Sunette Spies

 

This aspect came up today and I was very glad to finally read it as blunt as it is, because I could not fathom this world being life obviously, we’ve never been alive as the actual and full expression of what Life is supposed to be, this is just killing/ depleting/ sucking the life essence out of what is here to keep our mindfuck alive. However, the consuming aspect and judgment toward it – such as how I would go equating everything to price tags/ money – is part of a mindset, a system that can obviously be corrected. What’s real is this physical reality – what’s the illusion is the price tags as the money system of debt and scarcity that places the divide between us and using what’s here as life – equal and one – that can actually be provided for All to Live Well = it is absolutely correctible.

 

The Process of Birthing ourselves as Life in the Physical is walking that entire relationships of separation into a for-giveness reintegration of self= giving back to ourselves that which we have separated ourselves from, which can sound quite elusive and conceptual when missing looking at the ‘greater picture’ of who and what we really are as one and equal. And I mean ‘conceptual’ from the perspective that we only have our mind as instrument to seeing; this then became the perfect gap/ missing link as we would only continue dwelling and fighting against each other, driving us insane because of not having a clue about what on earth is going on within ourselves, yet always forgetting that we were the ones that created it all the way, that we have been here before and have actually lived hundreds of lives on Earth. We cannot even fathom that at the moment, obviously, as it is part of the same cage that we built for ourselves to make sure we would always be ‘safe’ from reminding us of such separation in the name of a single experience as the energy created through separation. This is the cage that we are slowly but surely taking ourselves out of by walking these writings, and establishing who we really are as life through Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application, as it is only us keeping the current system in place = we are the solution, because we are It.

 

It will take a great majority in this world to realize what I just explained to understand that: We Don’t Have to Be Living in a Position of Strain and I.O.U’s toward a delusional system of Inequality – all we require to realize is that who we really are as Life is equal and one – we are from the Earth, everything that is here has always been here as the fabric of existence that we are equally part of and made-of, we have just played power games and for that  ‘a price to  pay’ has been established for the separation that ensued from that. It all was just for the desire to experience and experience is energy. 

 

 

Money Powers: really?

So, the power of money can only exist as the separation that I have accepted and allowed to exist within this world, as myself, as that factor that determines our very experience here on Earth whenever we fear not having money to survive or when having more than enough which is also changing our ‘who we are’ into an exacerbated state of being, over-energized so to speak.  Now whenever I take these polarities – and even when having the ‘basic’ amount of money that I could call a ‘neutral’ or stable living condition – it’s still an accepted and allowed experience within us that has become so ingrained that we truly don’t question any longer how and why money has the power to change ‘who we are’ and generate these feelings and emotions within us. It is really and all-round mindfuck that must be stopped, as it is all separation based, really.

 

Like today, I went to an ATM and got money to pay the rent. And I have become so used to ‘taking care of money’ that I have this wallet that I place around my hips, just in case someone would try and steal money and never imagine that I could keep money underneath my clothes. I mean, it’s been so awkward every time I’ve had to carry money that way for ‘security.’ It is true how what is valued and protected is money itself and not our lives. Thousands of soldiers can be killed at wars, but the resources earned at the end of it are ‘priceless’ for those that end up getting them. Praying to god would be ‘priceless’ but it becomes a positive-reward system as a future investment association with ‘going to heaven’ while having the vantage point of ‘asking god for favors’  in the meantime – how ludicrous? Singing songs about finding happiness in misery and waiting for some saving grace after having the most paradoxical living conditions.

 

‘We are so lost, so afraid’ And this became an acceptable way of existing as miserable humans,  yet never even imagining how it all started, because we can’t remember! And that’s how and why – once again – it is so Vital to study the Desteni material.

 

The only real value that exists is LIFE and we ALL are it –  we just require to recognize the common sense in this to start being part of the ones that STOP existing as batteries to power a non-existent system of enslavement any longer = there is no more purpose for us to keep existing as such inner conflict as the chains have been severed. It’s all about us now being willing to truly learn what Life and Living is and should have always been.

 

This will continue…

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We are the System, It’s Time to Wake Up! (2009)

 

A Must-Read to expand the points shared in this blog:

 

The Soul of Money is a series of interviews that explains in detail all the points, mechanics and history that lead us to create the current reality and economic system we’re living in.  Anyone can have a thorough explanation and a reality check at an individual and existential level with perspectives that have never been told, seen or even pondered before in this reality, yet have dictated our lives throughout the history of human civilization.

  1. The Infinity Secret – Consciousness as The Light and The Dark
  2. The Heart of Love
  3. The Inequality of Resource Distribution within All Bodies of Existence
  4. Divide and Conquer – The Majority Enslaved by the Minority
  5. The Interconnection between Thoughts, Energy and Light

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