Tag Archives: riots

223. Selling and Buying Culture: Character Role Playing in Society

Continuing with the Elitist Character – Pseudo Rebellious Branch with a sense of Outrageousness as a form of opposing ‘the authority.’

 

 

 

Everything that I described in my last post was me pouring out part of the knowledge that I literally hoarded in order to become a ‘music expert’ for various reasons like: wanting to be a music journalist some day and being able to talk with people that would be equally obsessed with music and form relationships that way, which did happen.  These were more of the ‘long term’ goals, but as I was watching this all I was simply ‘fascinated’ by it – and yes, it is not different to seeing cartoons, TV series or movies or any other form of entertainment that is usually available in houses wherein you can afford to pay for cable TV and expand your TV-droning context of reality. Was I in any way veering my life toward something that was actually beneficial? No, just would go for the mere fix of the experience that I would get from what I saw was ‘innocent entertainment’ because of it being music, I wasn’t realizing how an entire personality was being shaped from all that which I would see and I can assure that I would have only evolved it even further if I had continued from where I was some 5 years ago – I am glad I stopped.

However, how many people are currently as young as 5 years old and dancing to songs by females talking about getting hot sex with their man? Hmm isn’t that a problem? What about all the soft porn that’s now being delivered in music videos? I’ve talked about that before and all I can see is that it is escalating every time, ‘pushing the envelope’ even further, every year doing more and more ‘outrageous’ acts and people defining that as ‘edgy’ and totally cool – well, if we look at the bigger picture, all we’re seeing is how as human beings we’ve defined ‘who we are’ according to what we like, and you’ll see how ‘what you like’ is everything you would get to know of from media/ parents/environment which means that yes, of course, there is no actual free will or free choice or ‘originality’ at all within that – and even becoming a character that opposes all of our current ‘pop culture’ becomes the necessary other side of the coin for the coin to exist. Same deal

Are we blind to see this? I mean for a long time I held all of my preferences as ‘who I am’ and wore them so proudly, because I had ‘invested’ on myself as a character in knowledge, money, time, relationships – I was just directing myself to ‘make it,’ and I guess that the most interesting aspect of that entire breakdown when realizing my personality was not special, unique and that all I was doing was trying to survive and aim ‘at the highest peak’ wherein I was only focusing on me-me-me and perpetuating this ‘good feeling’ as what I then came to imprint to virtually Anything that I would see, due to how visually stimulated I was with all those images I stored in my head of music videos.

Could I say that my ‘career’ was then my apparent free choice and free will? At the eyes of the system yes, but I realize it wasn’t at all. I conditioned myself to do that, I conditioned myself to ‘like’ what I like – stemming from fear and onto fascinations that would simply indicate one thing: the mind was being the ‘driving force’ of it all – not me as who I really am.

Any form of ‘social awareness’ would always remain there as this ‘nagging background’ that I would simply try and suppress every time, pretending I could train myself to ‘have a good time’ as one is taught within  your life: you have to have good times, have fun, spend your money well, etc. But, as I grew older I just turned sadder. My refugee became music which became also sadder and in no way supportive. I turned to books only to feed the fascinations I had gotten from the TV. Where was I as the living being all that time? Nowhere to be found.

This is how important it is to address the problem with allowing our current culture wherein everything that we are as physical beings is reduced to personalities/ characters that are able to interact with each other based on the equal premise of cultivating Ego as ‘who we are.’ At some point I realized it was weird  how when we meet someone, we profile them according to stereotypes that we would acquire from the media and then, we would decide Who we are toward them in a blatant acceptance or rejection, never seeing the being as an equal human being, but immediately reducing ourselves and others to Characters. I for sure cultivated this desire to be a specific character only to attract people with similar personalities and feel ‘at ease’ within my set of preferences = people that could support my design. Yep, image/ego/ idea of self – is that real? No, proof is that I am here as a human being that has been persistently walking a process of aligning all aspect I was once infatuated with in terms of this ‘artistic personality,’ and I’m still alive, living in simplicity and not any longer evolving that same character that sought some form of outrageous stardom in anyway I could.

 

This entire aspect of ‘pop culture’ has been an object of study due to seeing how any form of human integrity was more and more dissolved in order to justify an apparent ‘open mindedness’ that leads to further self-infatuation in energetic experiences of loving and hating, desiring and fearing which are basic primary and rather obvious mechanisms in which we’ve learned we could separate each other and proclaim a sense of ‘freedom’ within it all. Again, necessary to watch The Century of Self to understand where this all comes from.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never consider that I was only able to be and become ‘who I am’ as a personality due to having enough money to live well, have an education and entertainment wherein I could spend my days cultivating my mind as my preferences, likes and dislikes without ever questioning how it is that I am able to do this, but anyone else having no money, no TV and no time for ‘entertainment’ could not in any way even dedicate themselves to ponder about ‘personalities’ and cultivating ‘characters’ that certainly Do require money to exist and form part what is acceptable or not acceptable in our society, which proves that anything that I have cultivated as ‘who I am’ is only the result of money – period.

Having this premise in place, I can now within this blatant acceptance and allowance of self interest to run as ‘who  I am’ due to the security and ability I had to do so because of growing up in a family with enough money to live well, I can proceed to self forgive the characters I’ve become and supported within this vantage point of a limited version of reality as entertainment/ media and personality-cults that I came to be ‘fascinated’ by only as a mind experience that I sought to equate myself to – hence

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire equating myself to characters that would trigger the most ‘excitement’ and ‘enjoyment’ within me as an energetic experience based on images, words, pictures, sounds that I came to shape as ‘what I like,’ not realizing that these ‘likes’ and preferences were only the result of me identifying all of this to a ‘good time’ and entertainment, which became a rather influential aspect of ‘who I am’ without ever wanting to actually admit how everything that I believed myself to be special or unique for, was only the result of my own deliberate participation in patterns and behaviors that would stand out of the ‘usual’ and as such, create a sense of separation from what I defined as ‘the herd’ as the rest of the people that I would secretly continually judge/ oppose/ criticize and essentially ‘inferiorize’ within this sense of ‘freedom and expression’ that I learned to cultivate based on characters on a screen.

 

I Forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to simply absorb all the pictures,  sounds, people’s personalities and everything that I would consider as ‘music on TV’ while growing up wherein I believed that I was being special and unique for liking all of that stuff, evolving my desire to be an ‘antagonist’ within my environment within this same desire to be special and in that, learning how to Cultivate my ego, imprinting behaviors, words, mannerisms, ways of looking, talking and relating to others based on what I would witness from people on MTV – specifically – never realizing or even questioning why it is that these personalities were being deliberately placed on TV, but instead only absorbing them all and forming the ‘who I am’ as the preferences toward particular kind of music, looks, people, appearances, ways of behaving, acting, relating to the world etc., wherein

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever idolize people that I would watch on MTV with such obsessive behavior that I would only feed myself with their words and images as a way to ‘become’ them and be already preparing the ‘who I wanted to be when I grow up’ as early as 10 years old, which indicates that the role models I had were based on these ‘media characters’ that were designed and allowed specifically to guide or direct the population to focus Only on these ‘future life aspirations’ of being/ becoming characters like our ‘idols’ as musicians/ artists and as such, be always entertained with that and diverting our attention by our own decision and ‘will’ to only focus on entertainment/ personalities that would instigate a desire and a ‘feel good’ experience for all they represented as being ‘free’ and ‘expressive,’ which in my case became an aspect I longed to be and become and eventually did based on copying mechanisms from these roles in media.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately lead myself to like that which was the most shocking or feared by ‘others,’ in order to create a point of antagonism, rebellion or simply ‘pushing the envelope further’ within my reality, wherein there was a sense of specialness and uniqueness for being a ‘young child’ and already knowing about that which only teenagers should be talking about, which then became an entire personality imprint of wanting to hang out with older people and diminishing people my age to being ‘too immature’ for my age, but all that happened is that I deliberately sought to be ‘out of the herd’ by liking what I deemed to be ‘unusual’ at the time – all of this becoming nothing else but a constant and continuous forming, shaping and molding of my own personality at a young age.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a ‘natural likeness’ toward the things that I believed I liked, not realizing how I created such likeness according to the frequency I would expose myself to a plethora of images and sounds that became part of ‘what I like’ based on basic self-conditioning to only expose myself to this particular media on a daily basis.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept the belief that I had to build/ construct the most ‘awesome’ personality that I could in order to be that which I wanted to be/ become based on characters I would see on TV, mostly musicians that I had defined as ‘free, expressive’ people, and some of them even intelligent, which is an aspect that lead me to ‘be fond of’ particular characters in pop culture based on words, but in terms of them in any way being an actual example of how to live as a human being regarding life in equality: there was Nothing of that at all, which indicates that intelligence or any form of common sense was also veered only toward a self-appraisal and in no way being an actual role model to follows as an example of what it was to live –  Even more so when understanding how this apparent ‘depth’ in their words was mostly drug induced – which is the pointer that will be discussed in posts to come.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never question why this ‘open minded people’ – according to me – were being broadly supported and broadcasted on TV if they were too shocking or too ‘insane’ to be portrayed on TV, not realizing that it was all part of the same mechanism within his world wherein no matter What you sell, but as long as it Sells = then it gets to the mainstream. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why people were famous was because of real hard work, which can be a result of perseverance, but also in one way or another satisfying the industry’s basic need to generate money – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never see that there was no ‘filtering’ within what’s being sold and broadly promoted in our reality, and that we are in fact the result of being sold virtually Anything for the sake of experiencing a sense of freedom, enjoyment or personality cultivation, when in fact it all being sold just as characters that we  could idolize/ create relationships with others based on such ‘preferences’ which is nothing else but another way of conditioning the masses to become particular characters that in one way or another became less interested in actual matters in the world and would be more and more infatuated with personal cultivation of the senses – hedonism – as well as dreaming of that which is mostly unattainable for the majority of the population, which is dreams of fame and fortune – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a sense of power, freedom of choice and free will when deciding to be/ become ‘fond of music’ and specific visual arts, not realizing how this was just an inevitable outflow due to my constant participation in pictures as ‘what I like’ and this likeness being linked to a positive energetic experience in my mind, never ever being or becoming aware of myself, the world, the actual problems that we are facing as humanity and that define our entire ability to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed with this believed ‘righteousness’ to have a particular set of preferences that I cultivated throughout my life within things like music or art, wherein the possibilities of what I could were reduced to only ‘artistic’ careers and neglecting any other skill or capability I could have developed based on me deciding to study art based on preference, not skills and not an actual informed decision, but ‘following my dreams.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this entire personality cultivation that I lived in and by throughout my life, I learned to only ‘get along’ with people that would support Me and my ‘fascinations,’ or that would in any way resemble them, which is how I created desires/ wants and needs based on that which was mostly seen as inappropriate or not broadly acceptable in society, becoming the necessary ‘antagonist’ character in my reality in order to fuel further friction and conflict within my world/ reality – which was home, my peers – and taking pride on that just as another character that becomes proud of the extent and amount of knowledge and information that has been carefully tailored as one’s personality, which I became aware of was my ‘driving force’ to continue existing: just evolving my character and personality in order to get the most satisfaction every time.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to idolize other human beings based on the characters they represented wherein I would be mesmerized by their words, looks, behavior and accordingly, ‘do my best’ to try and become something similar to that in order to get to equate myself to that single character that I believed was ‘superior’ than myself. Within this never realizing or questioning how this entire culture is based on this personality cultivation as the real cult-formation that we are taught we must follow through within our lives, wherein me choosing a rather ‘antagonistic character’ was nothing special or unique, but only a single way to perpetuate my self-created ideals of specialness and uniqueness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to brainwash myself to consider that the common sensical aspect of myself that would regard all beings as equal was too ‘naïve’ according to the character I was busy building as myself. Which is part of how in this world system, any being that portrays actual virtues that support Life is reduced to being  ‘uncool’ or ‘unfit’ within society, ending up bullied, destroyed, ostracized or simply relegated to ‘less than zero’ because of not participating in the personality contest that we’ve become as our society – thus in this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could in one way or another be a ‘successful character’ in society while still holding some form of virtue, not realizing that the people that get to such positions of power have obviously been promoted for the sense of liberation through becoming an overtly ‘emotional’ people that represent these ideals that worked as a carrot on a stick for the rest of humanity, wherein we would aspire to somehow ‘equate’ them in one way or another, not realizing that in dong so, we would simply continue consuming what’s being sold as this flag of freedom and expression, never really even questioning why there was this strong desire to ‘free from oppression’ in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to not see that in this desire to ‘get free’ and ‘be expressive,’ I only consumed characters that became a process of personality-cultivation wherein the focus then was only on me, my wants, needs, desires, experiences and essentially falling into the most basic form of mind control that is broadly promoted: care only about yourself and ‘fuck the rest of the world,’ never realizing that such blatant act of righteousness was only a spiteful mode that perpetuates the characters we’ve become as ‘rebellious acts’ within society without any form of understanding of how this reality thrives on wars and antagonism and even more so, how it is only through each one of us reducing the totality of who we are to mere characters that we can ‘fight’ against each other, and that this is thus the aspect to debunk at all times: how we have diminished ourselves to a set of preferences likes, fascinations as well as dislikes, oppositions, rebellion acts toward ourselves and who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imprint this strong desire to ‘be free’ through opposition, through shocking others, through ‘breaking the norm’ in whichever way this could be one – and in doing so, being more open to ‘escapism’ as a way to ‘be free an expressive’ which meant either becoming ‘insane’ or a drug addict – both representing the ‘anomalies’ that I sought to become in order to ‘spite the system’ as the basic personalities that I grew up listening to and acquiring basic beliefs upon life from.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take people’s words as ‘truth’ whenever they supported this belief of ‘rising up’ and opposing the system, fooling the system, breaking the laws, rage against the machine and essentially learning how to ‘hate’ through becoming a personality that would seek at the end of the day only to create a constant point of conflict out of everything in this world, focusing on criticizing, judging and opposing everything and everyone to remain only within a secluded state of inconformity, dissatisfaction, isolation and anger within powerlessness to ‘change this world.’ Perfect mind control installed.

 

I realize that the cultivation of these ‘freedom characters’ must be understood as the actual mind-control tool that we install within ourselves from the entry of ‘entertainment’ and ‘preferences’  – such as music in my case for example – wherein all I ended up becoming was this apparent ‘misunderstood person that was ‘unfit’ to society’ without realizing that it was all an entire character that I copied from all the people that I had watched on my TV screen and that I had deliberately become fond of as a representation of that which pointed out ‘freedom’ and survival within the system ( because artists = fame and fortune)  hence believing that I could make it in this world by becoming this antagonistic character while being in the system and feeding off from it, which is what I have discussed in previous posts of theorizing about change and revolution in society, and earning good money out doing so within the intellectual world.

 

I commit myself to debunk any sense of respect that I held toward particular characters in my reality that I kept as ‘real’ and ‘genuine’ because none of them in fact supported a living consideration of human beings as equals, but only stood just as another personality-cultivation that lead nowhere but to where most of them are, which is sunk in drugs, body deterioration, financial problems and some others managing to stay afloat within the same system that enables any form of human degradation to be sold/ packaged and fed to the masses like lollipops.

 

I commit myself to integrate the actual understanding of Freedom as the unconditional support that we can all Agree to give to each other as money to live and within this, for once and for all, stop all cultivation of personalities and instead, educate ourselves to cultivate the actual Life within each other that we have obstructed with all types of media-characters we’ve become, and within this, finally realize to what extent we’ve made of our reality a theatrical show only for the sake of entertaining our mind. Thus within this redeeming ourselves through directing our lives to Support each other as Equals, as physical beings that are able to live, express and ‘be free’ when everyone is equally realized within this basic consideration of who we are as life as physical beings that can enjoy life while simply breathing and establishing relationships of Self Support instead of character-relationships that have lead our world to the current state we’re living in.

 

Time to Open our Eyes and realize that there has been no actual promotion of Self Respect in the mainstream media at all, and that any ‘good intentions’ only paved the way to hell, to protect individual personas that stood as the example of what it is to be a walking paradox when it comes to having brilliant thoughts about the world, humanity, life in general But  still serving one single god: Mind cultivation and Money – but not Life.

This will continue –

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222. Insanity as Libertinage

Are our preferences and personalities a free willed/ free choice act?

What we’re currently witnessing as all things ‘rebellious’ now being absolutely ‘In’ and ‘cool’ is the product of massive brainmediawashing that has lead toward a more ‘open and free’ society, apparently, with lots of free choice and free will and money to spend on buying all of that, of course. This being lead by head-spears of the world system that we’ve come to easily glorify as artists/actors and any other media-person that we’ll end up knowing have severe ‘mental problems’ and take this or that medication.  What I’ll describe here is how something that was part of a ‘greater scheme’ to expand society’s morality to a point of non-morality which meant a similar thing to ‘free market’ speaking in economic terms, came to be part of what I had also adopted as ‘part of my personality’ with preferences/ fascinations or anything else I could entertain myself with, not realizing that what I was witnessing through the screen of my TV was a deliberate act to indoctrinate people to remain as programmable as possible to focus on that which would become the greatest diversion tactic ever promoted in a massive global scale: entertainment industry – and in my case, music and to be specific what became labeled as ‘pop culture’ no matter what music genre you would listen to.

 

The after effects of this open promotion of the ‘push boundaries,’ go ‘insane,’ be wild, be outrageous, just do it characters was both an consequential outflow of the point we’re facing as humanity that have longed for any form of evolution for too long with no result at all – obviously – while portraying that ‘chaos’ within arts and music – but really within everything and everyone, all people that grew up with a sense of this outrageous fame-and-fortune advertised as freedom, becoming the new standard of aspirations for the new generations. But it happens to be that,  taking drugs and a world that was kept ‘secret’ or as a hidden ‘known fact’ went mainstream, which is then not something new but again, I can definitely witness some serious ‘upgrade’ from the type of music videos I watched in the 90’s and all these still underground scenes like raves to what is going on now, wherein you don’t require to hide the fact that you’re on some sort of medication, taking illegal drugs and using them in any regular party, no need to create any rave-like paraphernalia any more.

 

All of this is pointing out toward a massive dumbification and sedation of young generations that are supposed to be the ‘future of our world.’ It is seriously a point to be concerned with, I don’t have TV at the moment because a lightning killed it –lol – but if you have the opportunity to watch MTV just take a look at what kids are watching, because I was one of those kids that age 7 was already watching stuff that defined a Lot of what I became, the decisions I made, what I ‘thought’ myself to be and what I believed were my ‘true desires’ which were not, they were just an outflow of picturing myself as an artist/ rockstar like person or at least a writer that would be part of the entourage, handing out with musicians, which is what I sort of did for a while – and yes if you watch the move ‘almost famous,’ that was kind of part of my dream as well.  Was there any free will or free choice in this? No, I thought I had so by ‘choosing’ to watch this but it’s really not so when I only had a limited amount of channels and a limited desire to go beyond anything that I could fetch on my TV for years. It is irrelevant at this stage to only see the TV as the main problem, really,  one way or another, no matter what I would watch, I would have to face the same point of brainwashing just by being part of this society, since people in our reality seem to be ‘coming out of the screen’ nowadays, and that’s what shocked me the most or at least it became more and more obvious in the past decade.

 

 

 

What do we have then for the topic here? Making suicide, insanity, mental instability and outrageous acts a normal thing for your regular person. Was it really so? I got my perspective on that and as anything in this world, there are juicy interests behind. All in the name of ‘free entertainment that oozed libertinage.’ So this is where we’re headed, but let’s see how I got into this whole thing in quite a well masked way believing that I was somehow ‘being different’ than the rest of the world – lol.

 

In the previous post I walked some early memories related to my first encounter with the concepts pointi7ng out insanity/ craziness – this was from as far as I could remember till age 7. I explained about anger / temper tantrums and how that 1was linked to me being seemingly crazy – which was just a word that I would hear and got used to linking it to this outrageous behavior that I concluded, was mostly a way to instigate conflict and antagonism toward my mother as the representation of the authority in my world. 

 

Now, as a side note: This is an important aspect to consider within anyone reading these series. This is an exploration of how I shaped the meaning of the word crazy/insane based on what I would do/ live out in my life and would end up being called ‘crazy’ for doing that – really, all based on becoming a character that could constantly trigger some reaction within others, mostly, for the sake of my own benefit as in having the power to make others react. Hence it is not the actual full psychological meaning of it that would dimply an actual requirement for a mental treatment of sorts – even if I will explain later on how someone I met became all possible disorders by his own ability to tell stories that he knew the psychiatrist would be willing to play-along with for the sake of psychiatrist selling him drugs, parents being ‘happy’ for having their son ‘on treatment’ and this guy being ‘happy’ for getting the drugs he wanted on a legal manner. That’ll come in posts later on.

 

veruca salt-  seether

 

For now I will continue with the following years  which I’ll identify from 7 – 14 and my relationship to craziness – and all I can see is more deliberate acts and attitudes that would instigate any minute reaction from people around me, it became part of the entertainment, yes, but also the introduction to media. With having the platform of ‘me being crazy’/ called crazy according to my parents and already having built this antagonism and deliberate acts of ‘random madness’ you know, the ‘nice crazy’ wherein you just frolic around and do nonsense and I would get called crazy. Obviously this is the ‘nice story’ told by me as the mind that had built this story so nicely to justify my character, hence I am over generalizing on the ‘crazy’ point, but that’s mostly the point within this all, how I built it myself, not really about ‘my  mother’ or father per se.

 

Well, I found a similar expression later on when watching MTV, and watching Kurt Cobain just running around or any other rockstar of that time doing ‘random acts of madness’ – lol.  I mean, it’s hard to not look into how I conditioned myself to be all ‘rebellious’ and breaking the norms if all I would watch were these people on MTV acting all ‘weird,’ with deliriums of grandeur, trashing backstage places, drinking, getting high, going ‘crazy’ on stage and me just wondering Wow how come there’s not people like THEM around me? lol – this was when I was 7 years old and on, obviously feeding that type of behavior at home with my particular  family-situation – which is no different to any other ‘family situation’ I must stay – made me into a ‘rebellious act’ of sorts, justified by my father because he had been a ‘musician’ on his own way – much mellower lol – but still he supported my ambitions to become learn how to play the guitar, and that went on for a while. But the truth is, the most I liked about music was not really playing it, but the whole attitude. And why’s that: freedom and expression – which are the points I linked to Craziness/ insanity, linked to my fascination and almost devotion for music, again linked to that sense of freedom, expression and insanity – lol as I wrote insanity the thought of Gene Simmons came to mind, figure that out. 

 

Courtney Love - Violet

 

 

As I write all of this it is impossible to not see the face of people like Courtney Love and many other ‘riot girls’ that I grew up watching and that I have for sure written about  Day 24: Supervixen and Day 60: Femme Fatale « but I also obviously had all these males on the screen just going being overtly ‘expressive’ but also being seemingly ‘crazy looking’ or just ‘plain crazy’ See the action would unfold as follows: I would be sitting on the couch watching MTV doing homework or just watching TV and people would walk by the TV room – which almost became my room – and they would take a look at what I was watching and would simply stare at the screen, then look back at me with this face of utter disgust like ‘do you like watching this?’  and so I would nod my head happily because hey, they liked all that ‘mellow’ music, I was into something real ‘badass’ and so it made me special to like crazy people on the TV Screen. They would just make a sign with their finger, making circles around their ear as in saying ‘you are fucking crazy.’ Which would then fuel up my desires to actually Be so, because: hey this is making Me different from THEM, awesome! Let’s keep pushing the envelope. Obviously I didn’t say the last phrase but just to place into context how I would go escalating my fascinations, just because I knew that my sisters would never be able to ‘match’ this, nor was it common for a girl liking this metal and before that grungy music, which also later on became interests that lead me to aspire relationships with older people into this world, which then became a reality, but that’s another story.

 

Marilyn Manson Tourniquete

 

It becomes almost impossible not to point out the person that caused the most shock within me turning into a fascination later on, which was Marilyn Manson and the moment I watched that video Tourniquete in 97, which was about the same time that I got to now of yet another suicide – after I had been aware of Kurt Cobain’s suicide in 94 and it seemed like a ‘common thing’ among artists after I had known of other people committing suicide or ending up dead by overdose – this time it was Michael Hutchence’s death by autoerotic asphyxiation, which obviously to me was like a ‘say whaaaat?’ at that time, I simply did not get it until much later… and then other deaths followed like Lane Staley from Alice in Chains, drug overdose and various other ‘drug stories’ that would go on as if within the art/music scene, being on drugs was the same as ‘going to school’ for a regular person in this world. Well, they all ended up like a hero of sorts, so to me it was like ‘ok people like these people that committed suicide, wtf – but, oh well they were too sad about the world, okay.’ Which is a proof of how I was already beginning to create an ‘appropriate’ link of insanity + drugs = acceptance in society, expression, ultimate stardom and then a rushed death, which as any human being became another ‘fascination’ due to the fear that we actually have toward it.

 

There were other points I later on started becoming aware of like serial killers and demonic possessions on the discovery channel, which also ‘fascinated me’ for the actual level of ‘I can’t believe it’ that they produced within me. Then I became aware of people like Timothy McVeigh – the ‘American Domestic Terrorist’ –  for some reason it stuck within me,  probably because it was my first understanding of what a terrorist attack was. I mean I had heard parents say ‘wars were perpetrated by fucking crazy people’ but till then I didn’t know that people would act alone and deliberately kill or bomb entire buildings and have a name for that: terrorism. Well duh, how come we have become so ‘fascinated’ with serial killers =  they represent a great level of fear for the actions that your neighbor next door could actually be scheming out against you/ the community in their own homes. Lots of fear – perfect mass control. What have we done as society? We’ve turned it into a Fascination and dare I say even a marketing point without even then really looking at what the fuck we are actually worshiping:  Please read the entire series:

Day 64: International Crime Research: Serial Killers, Mass Murderers and Sociopaths Part 1

 

I say marketing because there are these exhibitions of serial killers that get a LOT of visits = lots of cash simply because of telling you all the story of ‘the most famous serial killers,’ without having a clue of how it all actually worked and how it was true that most of the time, the killers would not be aware because it was all a product of Demonic Possessions – all explained by Mykey in the series: Demons in the Afterlife.

 

What’s more interesting within this all is that I had never a real encounter/ contact with an actual crazy person or any form of severely deranged person such as a serial killer or anything like that, nor someone that had actually been declared crazy and locked up in a mental hospital. I only created a ‘fascination’ toward it because of the fear that I initially experienced about it, not being able to ‘understand’ people’s behavior and what could lead them all to take themselves to the verge of self destruction in all possible ways, yet seen as ‘fun’ and acceptable in society. Same with mass murders,  self-condemning themselves to the electric chair and these demon possess people – all of it just brewed into my definition of insanity that became a fascination, a desire to understand it or even live it out to see ‘what it was like’ at last, because… well the aspect of an artist/ musician being considered as ‘eccentric’ and ‘special’ lead me to want to be just like them and not having to ‘behave’ like everyone else in society – or around my world to be precise – and yes, guess what? Any initial desires I had to study or become someone quite active within the world system vanished over time. Why would that be? Was I getting too immersed in the realm of the ‘intangible’ as music, arts and all that nice intellectual atmosphere?  Yes. 

 

 

What can I conclude from this

 

1. Being rebellious, daring, aloof, expressive, transgressive, and essentially high on drugs was what everyone was deeming as ‘cool’ in our society. Fascinating, isn’t it? I grew up with that – what shaped my view of the world/ people – was it really Me? No, of course not. It was MTV mostly at that time in my life, because I had really no ‘friends’ that were into it and my ‘best friends’ at the time were two girls that I am thankful got me into playing games and actually being outside and away from the TV Screen. But whenever I was not with them, I was just imprinting all these characters in an almost obsessive manner, in a non-stop manner. Everything that I had become before beginning this process was just a self-cooked version of all of this information into my own mix of ‘outrageous goodness,’ I was ‘hitting my dreams’ by the time I got to Desteni, it was a ‘tough decision’ to give it all up for a moment, but eventually I knew I had to do it. I would have definitely regretted not doing so out of fear of losing my ‘carefully lengthy built personality,’ because I was quite specific and so I ensured I would take all the bits I liked from people and made them ‘my own,’ acting like them, being like them, deliberately. I thought it was a ‘free willed’ act, lol – not really as we can see, all part of the same drill leading to remain within the frameworks of this current world-system, screaming out fears but never doing anything about it.

 

2. The definition that I held of ‘crazy’ was simply another act linked to ‘freedom’ and any other form of ‘anti-establishment’ that I perceived in all these madness acts by artists, which meant a ‘revolutionary act’ that I later on got to know of had been brewing ever since, according to pop culture, Elvis had rocked his bottom in suggestive ways on TV and had gotten banned for that. I later on grew up watching people throwing themselves over drum sets, drinking, vomiting, being almost naked, taking tampons off on stage and anything else that I could ‘swallow’ within all the pages of magazines wherein I learned what being a ‘rockstar’ meant – lol, I obviously wanted to tag along, which became a fascination out of the sense of freedom these people represented – lot of drug names were given, but I wasn’t really paying attention to that. At that time, it was all about the words, behavior, the image, the style, the music, lyrics, music videos, shocking onstage performances, being absolutely wasted as the ultimate cool, flipping the finger toward the government and organizing ‘freedom concerts.’ This is what was ‘into’ then as well, a delirious sense of ‘freedom’ as an energetic experience that I became hooked on, wanting to enact it all later on in my real life.

Now, you catch the drift?

….. this will continue with Self Forgiveness and Self Correction to see how everything that I deemed as ‘my preferences/ my fascinations’ were only a product of another mass-brainwashing campaign that I took part of, seeking to ‘escape the system’ and never even ‘bother’ to do some real changes in this world, and that’s a fact as I lived that out for quite a while, pursuing my ‘lifestyle’ mimicking what I had been ‘educated’ with on TV throughout late childhood and teenage years.

 

My suggestion is to observe your own life in relation to media, see what types of preferences you had, your ‘personal idols,’ what did they represent to you that you were not able to live out yourself, if you were exposed to some role model in your early days, then see where you stand toward that particular person nowadays. I see it is vital to understand that we’ve never really made a single choice by ourselves and that it is thus of utmost importance to debunk our entire ego, as we never know what we might still be ‘holding on to’ which is linked to just another massive mechanism we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be conditioned by without seemingly ‘knowing’ so, but certainly still defining ‘who we are’ as a point of limitation, which is a problem and we’ll walk the solutions in posts to come.

 

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199. You Hate the Beautiful People?

Find out why and start considering where you initially wanted to be one of them.

Continuation to the Elitist Character

(I will continue in the following post with the Self Corrective Statements and Self Commitments –Part 2 on the Elitist Character from the memory within the 197. Friends of Convenience post. For now a clearer point emerged while listening to the Interviews* listed at the bottom of the page that I require to give immediate direction to)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge rich people as patronizing everyone with arrogance, being conceited and prepotent wherein I immediate took their expression personal to diminish myself when being in their presence because of perceiving myself as having ‘nothing’ to boast about, nothing to back up an actual ‘confidence’ as the one that I would see people with money/ the girl and family in the particular memory represented as ‘the elite’ and my first encounter with a ‘wealthy lifestyle,’ wherein I then immediately assessed that my position, my way of being toward them would always be that of being inferior because of not having as much money as they did, not having the same type of clothes that they did, the house, the cars, the exuberant garden and the general area and school they attended to and their general social status and education that represented the money that only a few in this world have in order to have a real optimum position in the world system.

 

I realize that I have projected these judgments toward people within a ‘superiority’ wherein I would immediately take their stance/ attitude as personal as a form of ‘superiority’ being imposed onto myself, without realizing that every and all experiences I generated toward them such as going into intimidation, belittling, inferiority were caused by my acceptance and allowance of such ‘power’ being ‘real’ according to my belief of money giving the beings the power and success that was only for some, wherein I then created a inferiority based on not having as much money, not having that perfect life – or what I assessed looked like on – not having the particular looks of the people and as such, believe that I was ‘damned by god’ and there was nothing I could do, without realizing that this is part of a specific world-system functioning and design wherein some beings were specifically given attributes in order to remain in such elitist positions, where as the rest of the human beings had to be left struggling with money, image presentation and the entire configuration of our lives as ‘less than’ when comparing ‘who we are’ as our money, as our bodies/ physical appearance and general social status to an elitist being/ rich people.

 

When and as I see myself judging people with money as prepotent, arrogant, being patronizing me and experiencing myself within an immediate ‘inferior’ position – I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to communicate, be with them as who they are, as human beings of flesh and bones wherein at a physical level is at all times equal and as such, I ensure I stand one and equal to them in my physical stance and remaining breathing to ensure that I remain within the physical context of the conversation.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to identify ‘who I am’ toward others based on money and a general ‘beingness’ that I considered as ‘real’ within them being ‘superior’ with all of these attitudes because they had apparently something to ‘feel more powerful’ about – which is money – and from there on, creating this inherent belittling and self diminishment toward myself in all aspects in my reality whenever the point of Money would indicate me that I wasn’t a ‘rich person’ and that because of that, I was immediately on a lesser position and as such, unfulfilled and ‘not as graced’/ lucky/ fortunate as them, creating a point of envy and jealousy toward people that to my eyes at that age ‘had it all.’ 

 

When and as I see myself identifying ‘who I am’ based on the amount of money that I have and comparing myself/ my position to others that have a lot of money and go into envy/jealousy for them ‘having it all’ I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to remain grounded within the realization that who we are as physical beings is equal and one and that all disparity caused by the amount of money we have, the looks, the ‘power’ over reality is nothing else but the consequential outflow of who we have become as the mind neglecting the physical reality, which implies that any form of ‘disparity’ only exists within the context of this world system where money defines who has a rich/ elitist life and who doesn’t. 

I realize that any separation that is existent within this world exists at a mind level, which is how money as the externalization of the relationship that exists between the mind and the physical, means that money is the externalization of the justified abuse upon this reality to create a polarized society wherein some have all the money and others have non.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a grudge toward rich people based on what I perceived as superiority and power within them based on the amount of money they had, the looks, the convenient relationships and privileges that they would get just because of ‘being from the elite,’ which I then was experienced as a form of being damned/ cursed by a ‘god’ that simply didn’t want me/ my family being that rich and powerful and good looking and having it all essentially, which remained as a Quiet grudge and constant inherent experience of ‘injustice’ and irritation and even anger toward people with money, wherein I started mimicking their attitude as arrogance and a sense of superiority just to be able to ‘cope’ with my inner inferiority and sense of ‘victimization’ toward rich people/ elitist people based on the constant comparison I would do of ‘who they are’ and ‘who I am’ as money.

 

When and as I see myself creating an experience within myself of superiority and ‘equalizing’ my physical stance toward people that I perceive as ‘more than me’ because of the amount of money they have/ their position in society – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a coping mechanism in order to camouflage my unsorted inferiority toward them basing my self definition as ‘not having as much money/ not being rich/ not being powerful’ and in that, create a physical experience of myself as being ‘equal to that power’ based on/ stemming from this inherent inferiority thus

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always have denied that I experienced inferiority toward people with money, because of Always having projected my own friction and conflict about this onto them and ‘blaming them’ for being arrogant and spoiled and conceited, not realizing that my assessment of them as being such characters, stemmed from my own desire to actually have what they have, look the way they look and generally having their lives, wherein the way to victimize myself was making myself experience some form of ‘discomfort’ as if ‘they’ were doing something onto me, instead of me taking responsibility for what I was experiencing toward them in my mind and actually see how I could only judge another as their money or their looks if I have defined myself only as my money and looks and everything that is bought and stemming only from these two points that I have equated to ‘power’ in this world.

 

When and as I see myself going into victimization as an experience of ‘injustice’ when hearing, seeing, witnessing events wherein money is being spent by people in what I have defined as menial points/ shallow expenses, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only judging them because of me actually having desired to have the same amount of money and probably do the same – thus I see that all the judgment that I would project onto rich people stems from my own inferiority and sense of it all being ‘unjust’. Thus I stop the ‘unjust’ experience and direct myself to rather see how the problem in our society is stemming from how money is currently determining a being’s living conditions in unequal proportions ,which is then how I direct myself to simply remain breathing whenever I witness these events of purchasing, shopping or spending lots of money with ‘no consideration,’ as I realize that in order for a being to have further considerations about money and the current world system, education is required and an actual dialogue would be required to allow people with money to understand how we can only change this world if they realize how such privileges as in being rich/ from the elite, are equalized to more people – and this must be done as part of our current participation within the world system as I see and realize that No opposition and no fighting against the elite will Ever work out  to create a solution – and within this, something that I realized yesterday and is very present here today:

 

I commit myself to educate myself to the T of how this world system works, so that I can explain and share and communicate with beings within elitist positions about the importance of equalizing the living conditions in this world in order to establish an actual harmony/ peace on Earth within the implementation of a new economic system that will change the way life is lived on Earth, wherein it is not about ‘losing power’ but actually realizing how such power was only existent and possible because of the abuse that such ‘powerful’ positions represented on Earth as something acceptable, without considering that as an organism, we all require to be equally supported in order for this entire world to continue going, and as such, commit myself to take this point to its last consequences  which means, do whatever it is necessary to be done to educate myself and others about the Equality Equation of the Equal Money System 

 

I realize that in order to do this, I must stand as one and equal to these beings wherein there is not a single experience toward them as being ‘more’ than myself in any way whatsoever, so that the communication is always existing at a physical equal and one level, not influenced by their current ‘characterization’ within society based on the perceived power they have based on money, as I understand how money exists and it is in fact the other way around of how money is perceived as a ‘good/ positive thing’ when having it, while in fact it represent the very reversal of life at the moment which is one of the points that must be understood by people with money, to understand he direct relationship we all hold toward this world system based on us having agreed to have Money as it does and currently exist within our world system of capitalism.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the position of an elitist being as something ‘real’ within the context of the person being gifted with such benefit as a form of grace/ actually ‘deserving’ it on Earth, which is how I created further delusions of Karma and other justifications and excuses as to why there were rich people in this world having all the money, the great looks, all the great life that seemed of absolute happiness and bliss while the rest of the population remained in poverty and extreme Lack of virtually everything required to live in a optimum condition, and as such believe that they were ‘gifted by god’ somehow for having these benefits, without realizing how it was all just part of a system that had to work like that in order to achieve the necessary conflict on Earth and striving for life in order to generate energy to actually create a ‘heaven’ that would be mostly veiled even to people in the Earth as the elite, who were/are inevitably also part of the scheme, of which we all as humans beings have to now Wake up and take responsibility for what we’ve allowed as it is in our own acceptance and allowance of such system to continue until today.

I see, realize and understand that we hold the absolute responsibility toward our creation and that any form of wealth being seen as a ‘grace’ or a ‘divine power’ over others is in fact a cunning deception that must be exposed and known on Earth in order to realize, see and understand why it is absurd to continue and perpetuate a system of extreme polarization which is what is causing the current consequential outflows not only toward people but this entire world with all beings here, that are suffering the consequences of this constant ‘search for more’ that we have linked to attaining wealth/ power/ money as a sign of happiness, bliss, joy and fulfillment, linked to consumerism, linked to looks, linked to having the ‘best lifestyle’ without ever considering What and How is such lifestyle being a possibility within this world, which is of course, only through the abuse of the ‘less fortunate ones.’

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that I had Also at some point of my life also vehemently desired to be rich and wealthy as a synonym of ‘happy life,’ wherein I had almost tried to bury and hide such phase of my life due to the judgment I held toward the ‘me’ that I was while growing up until my early teens, wherein I was pretty much worried and concerned about society, upper classes, wealth and a general desire to be part of such realm due to the close-encounters with it, and believing that ‘life was much better when having it all,’ which remained as a constant conflict whenever I realized that I wasn’t wealthy and that getting such amount of wealth was mostly impossible for my family – thus acquiring a constant experience in a non-conscious level of Not being living to my ‘upmost potential’ because of money always existing as something that is ‘there’ however in a limited manner, and not as ‘limitless’ as I would have wanted it to be.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my position and my stance toward people with money would Always be that of being inferior, less than, never as good as them because of how I would assess that ‘they had it all’ and as such, create this entire constant ‘profiling process’ wherein I eventually would be automatically assessing who I am toward beings based on money and looks – wherein I would either place myself as superior or inferior based on these two aspects, without ever realizing how mechanism is what fed my experience of ‘not being good enough, not being as ‘good as’, not being perfect looking and al of that which I began comparing myself to and that secretly desired to be and become – however, because I simply saw myself as incapable of obtaining such power/ looks and general ‘well being’ as an elitist being, I accepted and allowed a diminishment of myself that became my physical stance, the personality I became as an ‘alternate version’ of a person that would Not seek to look ‘perfect’ but deliberately going to the opposite as in being ‘flawed’ and ‘messy’ and wearing clothes that would not attempt to match the elitist status, wherein within that, I would then remain within my own ‘safe spot’ of not wanting/attempting to ‘match’ the elitist beings, instead of confronting my actual inferiority and envy toward them, correcting myself to stop defining myself as ‘less than them’ and as such, realize how creating an alternate character as an opposition to this ‘elitist wannabe’ type of personality, was only a coping mechanism for me within society, to be accepted as ‘flawed’ and within my ‘eeriness’ just because of perceiving that I was in no way able to equate myself to ‘the beautiful people’ – lol – so I created my own alternate realm of ‘having less is more/ being ‘freaky’ and using so called intelligence in order to ‘cope with’ the lack of money and looks that I perceived made me a lesser being, which is unacceptable.

within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately decide to become ‘the opposite’ of some people in my reality and that I had considered as ‘aspiring elitist people’ which caused me to compare myself to them on a constant basis and as such, come up with the conclusion that I was unable to be as ‘good’ as and pretentious as them, thus, creating an entire polarity/opposite personality toward them after having tried to become like them and going into further identity crisis – lol – because I realized how I could just not see myself pursuing to be an elitist being without having the money to do so. Thus I became the opposite of what I would witness in my reality such as family and in my school/ reality, which is how I became the constant ‘opponent’ to all that perceived they represented as positivity, wealth, money, joy, bliss  – and me becoming rather negative, sulky and irritable based on my constant discomfort in my own body and the consideration of me not being able to have the money and the looks to be a ‘superior being’ according to my assessment then, which is how I then preferred to remain as the ‘opposition’ / giving up any attempt to match what I judged as prepotent and arrogant beings, all because of me not having the actual power as money and looks to be and become an elitist as them.

I realize that the inherent anger that I created about witnessing this situation on a daily basis at school lead me to accumulate layers and layers of constantly comparing myself to these ‘beautiful people’ beings wherein I decided not to try and ‘fit in’ any further’ but become just ‘my own personality’ that would deliberate be in opposition to anything elitist for that matter, as I realized that I could not in any way ‘match’ their clothes, looks, money – and as such rather remain in my ‘relegated bubble’ than trying to ‘equate them.’

In this – I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become that ‘relegation’ as ‘who I am’ developing an entire beingness of constant conflict and irritation toward ‘all things elitist’ that I would have to participate in from now and then, wherein all I would become was judgments in my mind, continuously spiting the amount of money used for this or that occasion, without realizing that in the actual depths of myself and my beingness this entire opposition was created obviously from me first having desired to have such ‘fortunate’ positions thus – within accepting my grudge and general discomfort around ‘elitist beings’ existing as the memory of myself being conceiving who I am based on the amount of money and looks that I have as a determining factor of ‘who I am’ which is not acceptable since money and looks stand only as attributes that are currently valued as the mind and in no way represent an actual equal and one consideration of who we are as physical beings in this reality, which is at all times being one and equal.

 

When and as I see myself going into judgments toward beings based on the ‘elitist positions’ they represent in my world and reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all the judgments I can have toward them stand as my own assessment of who I am only as money/ looks that I have compared to that of people with money and looks as ‘better than me’  – therefore, I take responsibility to equalize myself to all beings at all times and remain in a point of conviviality based on who we are as physical beings wherein no money, no skin color, no ‘looks’ and physical configuration of our physical bodies determine ‘who we are’ as those are only aspects and considerations were are seeing through the I of the MInd and in no way represent the equality and oneness that we are as life as living beings.

 

I commit myself to continue investigating all aspects of how I created this inherent belief of me being never ‘good enough’ based on the underlying constant comparison to the people that I defined as ‘having it all and being perfect’ within the consideration of money and looks that we have accepted and allowed in this world to be a point of ‘value’ in separation of who we are as life as one and equal.

 

I realize how for example protests function in a similar way wherein people ‘hate the government and the people with power’ but in fact their opposition is not really within the starting point of proposing an equal and one real benefit for all, but more like desiring to BE in such positions which is what I suggest people protesting ponder about, if the starting point of ‘rioting’ the system is in fact within the desire of establishing an equal society or just ‘bash the party’ for the elite in vengeance and spitefulness toward the elite – because if so, that, my fellow droogs, would indicate that the Evil that you see within ‘others’ in this world is definitely Also existing within you – there are no real benevolent acts in this world yet.

This will continue…

 

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Must Hear Interviews related to Racism, Skin Color, the Elite and body designs in order to STOP the Inequality based on the physical aspect of our body.
The Series of Interviews The Soul of Money exists as a backbone and necessary material to study in order to understand the dynamics of the monetary system, economics and our individual lifestyles  – a must hear to have a practical perspective on the changes necessary within this world in order to create a living condition that is best for all.

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