Tag Archives: rushing

593. Missing 5 seconds in reality

 

Or how the pattern of desiring to get things done as fast and efficiently as possible can carry consequences where reality hits hard to see what I’m participating in.

I had an interesting situation going on yesterday when I was out to buy a ticket for a concert that I’ve been waiting for a long time, and I did notice there was this bit of anxiousness to ‘get to the spot’ to see if they were available already and having in mind that this has to get done ‘quick’ because there are not so many spots available in the place where this band will play. So, I went to get the money from the bank to then go somewhere else to pay for it, and I was intently aware of taking step by step, walking ‘fast’ yet slowing down within me because I am quite aware of how things go when I go into a ‘rush mode’ and get anxious and stressed out about things that certainly don’t have to be experienced that way, and I considered I was doing that Except for 10 seconds or less that 10 seconds when I was approaching the car that was parked in the parking lot of another store and where I went into considering how I had to ‘rush now to get into the car so that we can get out now that the avenue is kind of empty and not full of buses and cars’ and just because of in that one moment focusing on a supposed ‘convenience’ for my mother to get the car out of there with more ‘ease’ I stopped focusing on my own two feet and focused on looking at the street and trying to rush, because I also heard how she started the car while I was approaching it, so that I also ‘took on as a signal’ that ‘I had to rush to get into the car’ – all MY interpretation of course within this ‘hurry hurry’ mentality – and just as I was on the back of the car ‘on my way to get into it’ I fell down, hard on my knees and fortunately I did place my hands on the ground which means I fortunately didn’t hit my face on the ground again – lol – but it hurt quite a bit.

I stood up very quickly, also in a way because I was ashamed if my dress had gone up and exposed myself to the people behind, lol, so that was interesting as well in terms of how I didn’t even bother to check that much how my knees were doing or if I had dropped anything, I just wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as possible because of this underlying experience of being ashamed for having possibly ‘exposed’ myself while falling.

I got back into the car saying “let’s go quick, I fell really hard” – and I don’t even know why I went into such rush, stressing out my mother who had no idea of what happened, I just wanted to get home in case something worse than just a bruise had happened, because pain was quite extensive. So, fortunately I have a bit of ointment with me so I rubbed it on my knees all the way back, and as I did that I realized that I had rushed for those last 5 seconds before getting into the car and how those 5 rushed seconds were the moment where I fell and how I had again fallen into the pattern of ‘wanting to facilitate things for others’ and thinking of ‘efficiently being able to get out of there without much hassle’, defining hassle as in traffic, buses, lots of cars etc. and missing out my own sure step.

I’ve shared similar situations before where it again shows that I am going into ‘antsy’ mode about something, and there were several dimensions to it, including getting to pay the ticket and essentially secure it, and how even if I was ‘paying attention’ to my every step of the way in all the previous moments, it only took one single 5 second moment to again focus on ‘rushing’ and bam, fell down in that one moment.

So, within reflecting back I kind of set up myself to have ‘something going wrong’ with it just because of the amount of expectation, fear of ‘not getting a ticket’ and the idea that I had to rush to get it, which even if I tried to manage in doing the various transactions, it got to eventually happen in this kind of outflows where I cannot ascertain that it had to do with ‘all the energy I had piled up around this event’ or something like that, but it is simply interesting that I took one single moment for granted in my ‘slowing down’ and rushed to ‘benefit others’ or to ‘facilitate things’ or to be able to ‘efficiently get out of there’ and that’s where reality stopped me, hard, lol. Another thing is that I didn’t become angry as I probably would have before, angry at ‘myself’ or the ‘uneven sidewalk’ or whatever, I truly did focus on rubbing my knees and breathing through the hideous pain.

I’m doing ok, but I share it because I think it’s quite common for this kind of things to just ‘happen’ in one second and also sharing how supportive it is to use ice, bags of ice on bruises, for 20 to 30 minutes right after the impact if possible and put it on 3 times a day at least during that same day and the following ones according to how it goes looking/feeling. Also some ointments that are meant to be used for bruises are great for that and generally, to me this is another reminder of not going into a rush-mode again, not even for 5 seconds where I go into the same old pattern and bam, consequence ‘hits the ground’ literally. And I am also grateful for the strength of my bones, I truly thought I had broken them, it was quite painful but it was a momentary thing and impact

And… yep I got my ticket… of course any ‘excitement’ for it completely washed away and I feel nothing for having it, which is interesting as well, it will be something I get to assist to when the day comes and that’s it. For now I realize there are certainly ‘little’ reality wake up calls to remind myself to not take my body, my life, my 5 seconds of reality for granted or pretend I can ‘fly’ for a moment and have things go ‘perfectly’ and ‘my way’ entirely… nope… and I’m glad to realize that and so, again, remind myself to slow down at all times, no matter ‘what.’

Also here realizing that I have to in those moments, instead of wanting to stand up right back up as if nothing had happened to avoid having to ‘face the shame’ for having fallen down in a public place, I have to take a moment to breathe and check how I am doing before thinking immediately on ‘hiding from others seeing that I fell down’, because it all has to do with having an expected idea of myself – dealing with perfection/nothing ever going wrong like this – and that subtly still creating this embarrassment experience about it, because in those moments I’ve felt vulnerable of course and with the mix of pain and embarrassment it becomes an experience I tend to immediately want to ‘go back to normal,’ instead of admitting that I missed a step, I rushed, I fell and hurt myself, I need to focus on my physical body, not on my ‘desires’ of ‘how I want things to be perceived and done.’

So there’s an aspect to being vulnerable in those moments and allow myself to check myself first, to be ok in those moments because no one is ‘safe from it’ either, it can happen to anyone and it also reminds me how I’ve judged ‘falling down’ as some kind of weakness, which interestingly enough I had also written out before here even through witnessing this kind of ‘accidents’ happening to others… which speaks a lot about this desire for perfection, everything going ‘alright’ and ‘on time’ and ‘as expected’ every single time I am doing anything… well reality definitely has made me look again at these points to see where I have to slow down at all times, not allow any point to ‘rush’ in order to get something done ‘efficiently ‘ or ‘without hassle’ because in essence it’s also still running from a starting point of fear: fearing the hassle of getting out there, fearing time running out, fearing not getting to pay the ticket.. all sorts of really ‘puny’ thoughts that I have tended to give so much value to, which are not worth the consequences that could have been worse at times when we miss out these ‘5 seconds’ – or less – in reality, which I’ve seen can happen also in worse ways and it’s not cool at all.

So, I commit myself to not go into rush mode for any reason, life is not to be taken for granted, physical body is not to be taken for granted as a vehicle to ‘satisfy my mental desires’… but ‘I got my ticket.’

Thanks for reading.

 

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231. I’m Not like all of the Other Girls

 

Continuing from

 

Opposing My Roots implies that when we try and deny the influence we had from our parents and relatives and simply ‘form’ and shape ourselves according to the usual idea of ‘I will never be like my parents’/ ‘I will never repeat what they’ve done onto me’ and any other similar statement, we end up missing out a key aspect of self investigation like I have done in relation to looking at how and why I accepted certain ‘characteristics’ as who I am without realizing that there is no ‘who I am’ that was born out of nowhere. For that matters, I am the accumulation of everything that I have been, which includes everyone that has gone before me. This is how within this process as I walk my own patterns, I am also taking into account what others before me also became, ending up as a single generational fuckup that would repeat itself. Yes, it is a fuckup because through these ‘hereditary patterns’ I learned that it was okay for me to acquire either my mother or my father’s temperament, their habits and manias. So,it is so when it’s said that we become our parents eventually because we come from them, and we can’t deny our roots or we could then just pretend we were born out of nowhere and got this ‘arbitrary programming,’ which is not the case either.

We accepted the mind as who we are which is a representation of ourselves, our ‘true nature’ if you will but linked to specific patterns, habits, traits that are programmed to be having specific results out of the participation within them: Energy. And for the entire history of this, you can listen to the material at Eqafe for more explanations.

 

I’ll take one event and walk it through in order to see who I am within this memory and how I learned one of the various emotional reactions that I became used to present in my reality as a child, which is also an event I described some blogs ago.

 

Event: going out with my parents and sisters and getting ready to leave. My father is waiting for us at the entrance hall looking up the stairs to wait for everyone to come. Women getting ready to leave /fixing hair, clothes, makeup or anything else normal to do when going out, there’s noises of hair dryers, heels, lots of shuffling around and talking. I am near my father and ready to leave  – because I had discussed and realized through an entire mind construct how I was more ‘in tune’ with my father in order to oppose my mother and in a way also being more ‘responsible’ apparently for being ready when the time was here.

 

Fear Dimension:  Father getting angry for everyone not being on time

-Being like ‘any other woman’

 

Thought Dimension:  father standing on the entrance hall frowning and being quiet but angry inside

 

Imagination Dimension:
– Positive imagination as a
desire: everyone being always On time as scheduled and going all happy in the car

– Negative imagination as a fear: Having our ‘going out’ trip absolutely ruined, everyone in a bad mood, not talking and having a ‘hysteric’ father at the wheel.

 

Backchat:

– Why can’t they just Be On Time as Scheduled?

– They had to be women!

– I am ready, they are Not

– It’s their fault that my father will now be pissed off, they are the ones to blame

– I am not like them

 

Reactions:

– Negative: Mimicking the impatience, exasperation, building up anger as time goes by, becoming nervous and anxious about the possible outcomes

– Positive: pride and responsibility, readiness as in being the only one that’s ready.

 

Physical dimension:

Tensing up my upper chest, experiencing nervousness and anxiety in my solar plexus, stifle myself and move as less as possible  while waiting.

 

Consequence:

– Me tensing up every time I have to go out, rushing as well to get myself ‘on time’ while fearing that others might be ‘impatiently waiting for me’ or that I will miss something with it, ending up angry at myself for not being ‘perfectly on time’ and as such screwing up my self religion.

– Building up my self religion of ‘not being like all of the other girls/ women’

 

 

Here I write Self Forgiveness on the positive experiences of the event, this is only a series of points that are ‘surrounding’ this entire event to give more context to all the dimensions of which the event consists of, which is like looking at the basic conditions I imposed onto myself in order to have this pre-configured self experience in that moment of being waiting for my mother and sisters to come down and being there with my father waiting.

 

positive traits: being always ‘on time’ to be seen as a responsible one, being seen s as ‘I am not like every other girl, I don’t spend much time ‘getting ready’ to go out, gaining a point of preference from my father toward me, identification of characters with the usual ‘you are just like me’ (Read 103. Being efficient out of Fear! « and like father like son «

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rush through the process of getting ready within my internal battle against time which became a competition to be always ‘the first one that was ready’ compared to the other females at home, and in this, becoming anxious to get ready and be downstairs ready to leave wherein I would then consider this as a ‘prop’ for my character/ ego that was defined according to ‘being on time’ and pleasing my father with that

 

When and as I see myself rushing when getting ready to leave in order to satisfy my father and/or fearing him getting angry, I stop and I breathe. Instead of rushing, I consider the necessary time to get ready beforehand so that we can actually leave the place/ house as scheduled and I ensure that I do this breathing, here, being aware of my physical and allowing myself to relax my body through this process as I go breathing and direct myself to be there on the scheduled time, which is not a ‘race’ to fulfill but a timely-agreement in order for one or more people to meet/ go out as scheduled.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and keep up with my self-created belief of ‘being on time = being responsible’ as a positive experience within me, instead of realizing that being on time is simply agreeing to get to a certain place/ meeting on the agreed moment in order to meet another/ get to a certain scheduled activity and that in no way means it is a ‘positive experience’ as I see and realize that I have imprinted a positive experience out of actually fearing not being on time and within this, having acquired the belief that others will be pissed off/ impatiently waiting for me when not getting there on time, without realizing that this was all my own creation according to how I lived this ‘timely character’ at home whenever we agreed to leave the house at a certain time and fearing not being ready and making my father angry for that.

 

When and as I see myself rushing in order to be on time somewhere and getting this experience of anxiety to ‘be there on time,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the ‘being on time’ is stemming out of fear of Not being on time. Within this, I direct myself to schedule my physical activities in a way wherein I ensure that I am ‘on time’ as scheduled not to make it a positive thing like ‘Hey Look! I am on time here as I had said I would be” as a positive confirmation of the ‘timely character,’ but instead simply see it as a practical arrangement when meeting others, going to a scheduled event and bet there when it begins. And if for x or y reason I cannot make it on time for circumstances that are beyond my direction – traffic, having to direct something else beforehand due to it being important/ emergency, having forgotten something at home, etc.  – I breathe through it and commit myself to then take the necessary precautions to consider potential outflows if the meeting is too important, but if it is not, I simply stop worrying about ‘being late’ and direct myself to simply explain the situation to another  person without fearing them being ‘angry’ for having to wait.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience out of me being ‘always ready on time’ – apparently – which is also a personality trait that I’ve mostly cultivated within me based on comparison toward other females – sisters and mother at home – who would spend a lot of time getting ready to leave and within this, consider that I am ‘special’ because ‘I am not like them/ I don’t spend much time on my looks,’ which became another way to oppose the patterns at home of what a woman should be like, do, dress and do when ‘getting ready to go out,’wherein it became a cliché to know that ‘women spend a long time getting ready to go out,’ out of vanity – thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this ‘readiness’ as a positive experience when going out, out of fear of being seen as vain/ superficial for taking the time to look at myself in ‘how I look’ in the mirror which became part of the opposition character toward the women in my family and a point of ‘uniqueness’ that I created for myself such a ‘Look, I am Not like them, I am ready on time and I don’t give a fuck what people say about me’  – which was the usual stance I would take actually out of fearing that people would have to say something about myself/my looks when ‘going out.’

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when being ‘ready’ on time and being waiting for others as a point of superiority – I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to wait breathing here physically until everyone else is ready and if I’m alone then this simply won’t exist because I am ready when I am ready and that’s it.

I realize that I have created a personality of being on time and ready to leave/ ready to move/ do something based on a commonality of seeing others taking more time to do so, and as such defining ‘who I am’ based on what others would be doing and become everything that they were ‘not’ according to the patterns they presented to gain a point of specialness and even linking it to responsibility for being ‘on time’ and gain some props for my responsible character/ personality that is actually existent out of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be special/ unique as a woman for not taking too much time ‘getting ready’ to go out, wherein I then created this belief of ‘I am not like other girls/ women’ and as such, believe that this would be a preference by males because of having also witnessed how my sisters’ boyfriends would also have to wait for them every time that they would go out, and such define the entire thing of ‘getting ready’ as something ‘pathetic’ from females and within this promise that I would not be like that and that I would be then even more desired or wanted or satisfactory for a partner if I was always on time as scheduled, within this belief that males dislike having to wait for women to get ready to leave.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child and growing up, be the one that was always ‘ready’ and ‘on time’ as a way to be able to gain some preference/ recognition by my father in order to be seen as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ for not following the usual patterns of what a woman should be like/ act like/ do as ‘usual’ because I see, realize and understand that I became a character that would oppose all the patterns at home, specially from the women at home, within this belief that if I attuned myself to the male side, I would be able to be ‘loved’ by males for doing/being the way that they wanted a woman to be like, which became a pattern within me throughout my life in various other contexts.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to be ready and on time as a way to break the pattern/ paradigm of the amount of time a woman takes to ‘get ready to leave/ go out’ in order to be satisfying males specifically and be regarded as a ‘one of a kind woman’ – I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to simply realize that being on time is a practical consideration that facilitates the activities and that’s it, a point of agreement that ensures everyone is ready to leave at a certain time, not meaning that everyone MUST be ready on time, but simply a single physical-time arrangement that I can breathe through as well whenever someone else is not ‘on time’ and then one can take practical measures like calling them up to see where they are and  as such not creating an entire character out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘readiness character’ toward others, specially females – wherein I would want to be seen as ‘special’ for being a woman and not taking that much to ‘get ready,’ which is also a self-religion and self-belief aspect, because all this readiness would be done within anxiety and fear of not being ready on time and be seen as ‘just another woman’ which I had deemed as a pejorative experience coming from myself from the view point as a male.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women as superfluous and vain by nature, wherein I then did all I could to not play out the same characteristics that would define me as ‘vain’ and ‘superfluous’ without realizing that then every single positive experience I had when living out my self predicament of ‘I am not like all of the other girls’ I was in fact not making a self-directive decision to be on time or not focus too much on my looks, but was instead only focusing on ‘not being like other girls’ which then became my ‘trademark’ when it comes to defining ‘me’ as an ‘unusual woman’ which I thought would give props with males within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create an entire anti-woman character within the belief that this would make me popular with males and partners that I believed would also appreciate women not to take too long to go out, and also within this, fearing them getting angry for me not being ready and on time go out due to the experiences I have had at home.

 

When and as I see myself defining ‘who I am’ according to ‘not being like all the other women’ I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to focus on what I can physically direct, do and direct within the physical considerations of time and moving and being available to do so without any form of comparison or expectation toward others or myself fulfilling what I have projected onto others as an expectation toward myself. I take responsibility for stopping believing what others are ‘expecting’ of me and focus on moving and directing me in physical reality.

 

I realize that this ‘I am not like all of the other girls’ characteristic is seeking one thing: being special, being unique and even praised by males and females alike due to always ‘being on time’ and ‘ready’ and ‘breaking the patterns’ of what a woman should be like, which is all based on the positive imprint I placed on this characteristic as well as focusing on accumulating ‘positive credit’ for potential partners due to having observed how they had to wait for females to be ready and I believed them to be impatient or angry or irritated – which is my Own programming projected there – and as such seek the point of happiness for them as the woman being ready to leave/ being on time, and as such be even more liked or considered as ‘one of a kind’ as ego-specialness of the mind.

 

I realize that this positive experience that I would get out of ‘being on time’ was obviously stemming from fear and fear of being judged as ‘another woman’ which became a characteristic of my personality in order to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ at the eyes of others. Therefore it is plain to see how even a single point like ‘getting ready to go out’ can contain an entire network of characteristics that entail the entirety of ‘who we are’ according to how we want to be seen by others/ who we are toward others, which are the personalities we create toward specific people – or even gender based in this case – in order to define ‘who I am’ as superior to others.

 

I commit myself to focus on breathing, moving physically whenever I am gong out with other beings and simply be on time as scheduled as a practical consideration. I breathe through having to wait for others, I breathe throughout the process of getting ready myself and be there when the time was agreed by others as well.

 

I commit myself to when going out or even foreseeing that I will be going out/ traveling etc. I breathe through the process of gathering everything required, taking a moment for myself to get dressed, take all the necessary things required and not judge any of my moves during this process or get anxious about it, as I see and realize that I will move/ leave when I simply physically ‘leave’ lol and that there is no need to create a character of rushing through it to be ‘on time’

 

This is a cool point to see how everything we believed was in fact a ‘positive aspect’ within ourselves stems out of a negative that we avoid, which is the basic consideration when looking at all the ‘positive experiences’ we’ve created and believed ourselves to be, and take responsibility to see how even if we copied mechanisms from our parents, we Became our characters due to our own participation in our own mind-assessments of what’s good/ bad or positive/ negative according to Self-Interest as it can be read here. Who we are can be simplified to being physically here, self directive and as an efficient being that is not measuring this efficiency according to some personality props, but simple self-directive will.

 

– This will continue with the following dimensions within this event, which is one single ‘branch’ of an entire series of traits that I will be walking in relation to the personalities I created toward people in my family that I simply sought to ‘oppose’ as a general characteristic within my self-religion of ‘who I am’ toward others in my world.

 

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184:Angstxiety

Physical Dimension: Reactions to the negative thought of having to complete a task/ activity

Within the entire series of the procrastination character that began on day 162. Either Do it or DIE I’ve walked the fear, thought, imagination – then even a fantasy came out – backchat and the reactions toward all of these points in both a negative and a positive manner.

The title of this blog comes from the realization that angst means fear in Dutch and anxiety is what we experience as the physical experience of such fears which sounds then similar as one leading to the other, while in English, angst means ‘anxiety about the state of the world’ which is how I can identify I have become the anxious person for the most part while growing up, which I have been working on as well in the death and destruction blogs going into both anxiety and dread about it.

 

Within the physical dimension is to then see how it is that all of these dimensions end up manifesting as a physical possession – how? Well, the moment that we give into the thought and make it a physical habit within it, we are essentially confirming that yes, the thoughts, backchat, reactions, fears are in fact ‘who we are’ and that all of such mind-experiences are ‘true enough’ for us to then live them out in the physical. Hence it’s this physical dimension the one that certainly exists as a consequential outflow of all the previous accepted and allowed mind experiences as real, it is the ‘physical possessed time’ wherein we have already abdicated the directive principle of ourselves and we essentially become the embodiment of our own mind control – sounds familiar? Yes, essentially every moment that we are not here breathing and being aware of ourselves as the physical and ‘lose track’ of what we are in fact doing in that moment – because of only existing in a constant myriad of thoughts, pictures, backchats/ internal conversations – wherein we are then only feeding the experience further and further while missing out the entire point of this experience which is nothing else and nothing more but a self created dis-ease through thinking and having a positive or negative experience about something/ someone in our world and reality.

 

Within the procrastination character, I realize that the moment that I am about to get onto doing something/ directing myself to complete a task, there’s a pinch of anxiety that emerges, that has been ‘slowed down’ so to speak from the time when I was a younger girl and going through school and having all the basic nervousness symptoms of having gastritis, multiple headaches whenever an exam or a ‘something to do’ would emerge that I would consider was ‘ahead of me’ and being overtly apprehensive, always worrying about the outcome of my exams, worrying if I’d get the highest grade – even if I pretended that I didn’t care – always wanting to get to places on time and essentially being in constant fear of ‘not meeting my goals’ which I later on suppressed as I went growing up with an opposite character. Within this I must say that my mother’s words were supportive since she always made me see how futile it was to be seeking to be perfect and strain my physical body for it, plus hearing words that would allow me to see that I didn’t require to worry about it since I had an ability to walk through school without a problem – however, the origin of the anxiety was never seen or realized in fact. So, I will dedicate myself to tap more into the anxiety experience, which has diminished considerably in the past years since I began my process of self forgiveness and self honesty, however, it still comes out which indicates that there are points that I must obviously still work through it and the realization is that such anxiety has been present lately due to and directly linked to the procrastination character, wherein the moment that we create our own ‘procrastination hell’ we become the embodiment of such ‘unsorted load’ and generate an overall relationship of self-abuse which is pretty much experienced at a physical level.

I had that yesterday in three different moments and all related to being asked the question of when the hell am I going to finish school – well actually could be four, lol since I had several chats with different people and realized that I am the only one that is procrastinating this.

So as I write this, there’s a flow of heaviness as energy that is experienced in my arms and in the pit of my stomach, which is where we could say the solar plexus actually is.

So far the only way that I have been able to slow down in physical reality in terms of walking slower, not rushing to get to a place (unless strictly necessary, lol) and going ‘ahead of time’ in my mind when for example, meeting someone, going to a certain place where I will have to face people, even making phone calls would be a reason for me to get anxious, like wanting to ‘get over with it’ – which is a key point here ‘getting over with it’ as this point that must be simply ‘rushed’ and ‘finished’ in order to ‘get to the next point’ – I mean, that’s not living, that’s just being like a Ford-T line producer that’s simply tied and bound to a single task-doing reality where no actual Living takes place. Unfortunately yes, this is the reality for the majority of everyone in this world because every moment that we reduce life to a sequence of ‘tasks to be done’ we are certainly limiting ourselves extensively within our capacity to see life not as a birth-consume-reproduce-produce-consume-die type of cycle with all the highs and lows in between – there is definitely another way of going through life even if it’s filled with ‘stuff to do,’ as I have realized that the moment we measure our days based on ‘stuff to do’ we miss out the point of how each activity is an opportunity to expand ourselves. And where does anxiety fit into all of this? Nowhere, it is a self-created TIME-triggered fuckup. I actually see how I have used Time as an excuse obviously, but also as a constant ‘counting’ of my day wherein instead of being here. I mean, even the sole ‘measuring’ of the day implies that I define myself according to what I did and what I did not do, which is just creating another aspect to give myself credit/ discredit for as an ego. No, I can instead decide to live in a way that is fully functional in every moment, and this implies not being subject to the reactions experienced Over going into an alternate reality of thinking, judging, backchatting, imagining, reacting over it etc.

I realize that I have separated myself from the actual ‘art of living’ which should be related to self mastery that I had on purpose seen as something ‘ahead’ of myself, impossible, ‘not now’ type of thing, without realizing that within this, I was kind of then sort of Still expecting me to do some ‘regular fuckups’ to demonstrate that ‘I am still mortal’ instead of actually taking a decision to not continue to allow any belittling within myself and others – as belittling was definitely one of the first points I worked with in my process which has been so far, cool – however, the anxiety point demonstrates that there is still this ‘uncertainty’ within me, and yes, directly related to this ‘something that I have to do’ and ‘complete’ as an ‘achievement’ that I am separating myself from.

 

So the physical dimension of this entire outflow of procrastination has to do with the various symptoms that one would experience as ‘anxiety’ among other physical habits like standing up and just moving away from the computer when the time comes to complete a task, or direct myself to get some water/ peanuts or raisins – or going out, which is what I have walked already in previous blogs, or simply doing something else.

As I was reading Heaven’s Journey To Life yesterday, I realized that I have in fact activated the ‘I don’t care’ character as a defense mechanism to keep myself in ‘good stand’ in my mind for not doing the task I know  I have to complete. This character would come as a temporary ‘shut up’ to the anxiety experienced at a physical level. Oh man, how far have I gone to cover up fuckup after fuckup of simply procrastinating a single task? Is it necessary? Obviously NOT! However, it seems as if I deliberately placed myself in this situation to walk through it, which is plain absurd but it ‘makes sense’ from the perspective that I have simply made an accumulation of decisions that were linked to the ‘positive experiences’ that I would use as an excuse to not get to this task.

A side note for me as well is how horrible it is to experience ‘excitement’ or some energetic experience that one would consider as a general ‘positive experience.’ I became excited about – oh god here I go – one of my so-called ‘favorite bands’ releasing a new album after a long time and so I went into this excitement that became a Really uncomfortable experience after a while, to the extent that I experience like a hangover of it due to the expectation – which creates anxiety – and the activation of all the emotions and feelings linked to this music – yes both emotions and feelings since it’s the type of ‘drug’ as an experience that I would be the most addicted to, this type of sublime experiences wherein you are rather overwhelmed by the sounds that terrifies us in a way and at the same time becomes a nice experience. And that, my fellow droogies I will walk separately and later on post as I will continue walking the procrastination character, but I see how the entire experiences linked to music must also be debunked, because it is ‘hard’ for anything or anyone else to create an experience of this kind within me, it’s mostly linked to music and the load I have imprinted on memories to it.

 

And This, I realized I have been a ‘frequent participant’ of based on what I got to understand in the Quantum Mind Self Awareness 18 that I highly recommend to anyone pondering about the ‘negative’ and being having mostly a ‘high’ from all things negative. That’s the shortest way I can describe it, get it  and then you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

 

So, let’s breathe and I’ll begin walking the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements on the following blogs. Thanks for reading

 

 

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2012 Sculpting in Time: Patience

 

Redefining self-creation within using the term ‘sculpting’ is suitable here within the understanding that we cannot in fact ‘create’ something anew, as everything is already here – we can stand one and equal to what is already Here as ourselves, and form/ shape/ mold ourselves within a self-directive process within the realization and recognition of who I am as one and equal as this totality and reality that is Here.

 

I can use the word manipulation wherein I re-define it as the ability to practically and physically stand one and equal as myself, my physical body to practically align myself within the consideration that, to create/ mold/ shape a world that’s in fact best for all, I must first consider aligning and correcting my own starting point within my existence here. Manos = hands in Spanish so that makes sense to consider the physical-process ‘at hand’ in a tangible way wherein we ‘intervene’ ourselves as the pattern/ shape that we have become. This implies the process that we walk wherein our mind is a direct reflection of the essence of who we are as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become in separation of life.

 

What is Life? I have only lived according to that limited reflection of self as a mind that works according to preordained patterns and habits, fears and limitations that have kept me bound to a particular mind-frame, that I created for myself. Thus, self-creation, self-sculpting to stand one and equal as who I really am implies taking definitive steps to correct myself to become the actual and full expression of life. This is thus a point wherein self as creator cannot take a ‘self-mastery’ position until self has actually walked and realized in totality what I created as myself, why and how I allowed myself to live in a limited scope dictated by my own choice to live only as a mind that thinks itself, living in a custom-made pursuit of happiness which, doesn’t matter how much I denied it or created it in opposition of the ‘usual’ pursuit of happiness, became the driving force of my life, neglecting the fact that I don’t have anything to ‘win’ or ‘attain’ or ‘achieve’ here other than self-equalization wherein all value-schemes are finally dissolved to remain as the physical reality that has always been Here, that doesn’t require me to ‘think it’ to exist.

 

This is a Process – and it is walked through space and time. This is me equalizing myself as the physical reality that I realize I exist as in space and time. Within this , I see and realize that I have existed as a perpetual pattern of rushing, of self-righteous positioning within the context of wanting to and desiring to always be in control of myself, to be ahead of my own standards which manifests as a rushing within my being, my thoughts, my actions, my very walking in this world.

 

I could call this an anxiety to ‘get somewhere’ – but even when realizing that there is nothing to attain, but only to Self-Realize as Self one and equal here, I continue perceiving a rush existing as an ingrained aspect of myself, physically and mentally lived within every action, every impulse, every moment that I miss breathing myself here, and allow myself to give into thoughts as that energetic relationship that I have created toward my own personality. I defended it because of seeing it as a ‘positive attitude’ defined within the context of this world system as ‘efficiency’ and ‘accuracy,’ which I will walk within this process of me allowing myself to establish the necessary practical and physical platform to establish patience as the consideration of the physical space and time within this process of self realization.

 

Patience sounds like ‘pace’ – I have defined physical pace as the point of self-direction in every moment that I allow myself to breathe, here, stable, constant and consistently wherein space and time is considered, wherein I am no longer existing as the rush of the mind, trying to perpetuate an idea of having to ‘do everything as fast as possible’ and recharging the self-belief and self-definition of competing against time, against myself, against others within the perception that I must always be on the top of the spear.

 

Patience is then allowing myself to equalize myself as the physical, as breath wherein I stop any rush of the mind to ‘get things done’ in separation of the moment that I am here, practically and physically doing it, directing myself within it/ as it- instead of projecting/ ejecting myself as a lightning bolt into the future wherein I ‘win’ and I then add it to the self-kept score of lifetime achievements.

 

Who I am is not an accumulation of points that can make me ‘more’ that what I am here. I am the accumulation of the thoughts, words and deeds that I correct, self forgive and direct within establishing a certain outcome that is best for all. I allow myself to walk in the moment, as there is nowhere to ‘get to’ or nothing to ‘attain’/ gain here – it is the reintegration of myself as the physical moment and stopping the energetic rush that comes as a spear ahead of me, charged with anxiety and a self-created chasing-after survival mode as my own mind, doing everything ‘the quickest possible way’ which is how I would tend to take short cuts and eventually having to go back and walk the ‘long run’ so to speak.

 

Hence the process here is to get ourselves back to ourselves to stand one and equal with no dimensional shifts of delusions like ‘having to be there’ and ‘attaining’ something, but walking self-equality and oneness within the ability to stand one and equal as the points that I see are supportive for me to accept and live within the consideration of self-creation in every moment that I live Patience as physically breathing and walking every moment here, remaining within the consideration of space and time reality to live the process of self-correction in every moment as breath, as the physical – instead of projecting it as an idea in my own mind that ‘must be done’ but simply live it.

 

How to walk this? Through practically writing out myself and Self-Forgiving the relationship I built with the idea of ‘who I must be,’ which cannot be sustained and doesn’t have-to either, as it was never built within the consideration of what’s best for all, but wrought within the desire to always be ‘on top’ and ‘winning’ and remaining as a ‘special person’ according to my own value-schemes, reinforced and self-induced by my own thoughts and judgments toward myself, others and this reality.

 

So I take these points and walk the correction to stop participating in these energetic movements of the mind, and direct myself within the understanding that this process, which is self-equalization as life here, is and will be walked within space and time. A literal slowing down to consider space and time is then the practical application to stop the automated impulse that comes up – sometimes without even ‘words’ per se – as a physically integrated aspect of myself as a energetic movement of the mind, which is what we can call personality/ ego.

 

“…whether passive or active the point is to assert ones ego as superior as winner in the end. Each has the same end goal – Domination.” Andrew Gable

 

And it is true – even if I have criticized/ judged people that have run a competition against themselves, I have done the exact same thing without wanting to allow it because of ego. And this competition was built upon my own ‘ideal’ of who I am and what I have to portray myself as at all times to remain within the same idea/ personality I built for myself in the first place. In the end it became this ‘eternal cycle’ of battling against myself – it’s always about ourselves. I mean, part of the jaw-dropping points I’ve learned in the past weeks through the what is sex interviews is that all relationships have always been toward our own mind and within understanding all the details that come with it, I realized how we have all been living as mirrors of each other, yet always missed then the point of ‘taking it back to self.’

This is how when encountering people in our reality with similar traits, quirks and personality, we develop a relationship toward ‘them’ in our own mind which is only ourselves using another as a trigger point/ cause and excuse to reinforce our self-accepted patterns and habits as our personality wherein we believe that whatever we experience is about ‘them,’ never realizing it’s always been about ourselves living in a mirror-mirror reality that we are now aware of, must stop with and within ourselves here.

Till this day, I can see that it is an actual ‘abnormal human effort’ to develop such practical common sense within us. It really does – and it is a process walked in space-time as part of the ‘gist’ of it is walking through space and time within the consideration of every thread that we accepted and allowed to separate ourselves from.

At times, I have to take a moment to just breathe and let go, because of realizing to what extent we have separated ourselves from the simplicity that we actually are, here, physically and how we could have stopped all this avalanche of consequence if we had all heard to that inner self-honest voice of doing what’s best for all, considering each other as equals wherein no winners or losers can exist.

However what’s done is done, and it’s here for us to walk, assisting and supporting ourselves to ensure that all separation begins and ends within each one of us here.

This will continue.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate myself and using myself and what I exist as to suit a self-interest based personality of wanting to always be accomplishing, winning, being and remaining on top, which is how I realize I have used my mind in order to orchestrate and lay out strategies wherein I could be always in a ‘safe spot’ within the self-definition of being ‘unique’ and ‘special’ –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself, my physical body and my mind in order to continue fueling an idea of ‘having to become something more’ which lead me to continually chase-after anything that could allow me to continue residing within the ‘safe spot’ of being on top, ahead of others and of myself as a dimensional separation from the physical reality that is here.

I realize that I created a delusional reality of having to ‘upkeep’ the idea of myself, without ever realizing that any personality-feed that I created for myself, was in fact only existent in my own mind, externalized as ‘who I am’ to the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant pattern of rushing within the self-righteous idea of wanting and desiring to be ‘ahead’ of myself and others, within existing as a constant projection of ‘having everything done quickly’ which has manifested as my physical self-experience wherein rushing at a mind level ensues a level of anxiety wherein there is a perceived idea of ‘getting something done’ in separation of myself

I realize that I am able and capable of moving myself at the physical pace, slowing down from my current application wherein breath becomes the pace to establish patience within the process of self correction that is here, as myself, when I realize that I am able to live the words that I place as a platform and blueprint of self-sculpting/ self-creation through space and time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define efficiency and accuracy as fast-speeding and hurrying/ rushing to get things done throughout my life. This is how I allowed myself to live only at a mind-level of pursuing to ‘accomplish tasks’ to continue adding points to my personal-score.

I realize that all mind-projections and energetic-ejections of rushing and hasting was only to upkeep this idea of myself that I see has been one of the prominent dimensional shifts from the physical reality that is here, as every breath, that must be walked in self-awareness in every moment to ensure that I stop following any lightning bolt thought of wanting to do things ‘as fast as possible’ which only leads me to miss out the actual process of self-realization As the moment that is here as breath.

I see and realize that life is not about ‘becoming something/ someone’ or ‘achieving’ anything – or keeping up a certain idea of ‘who I am,’ it is about actual living and understanding of self-creation as the decision and direction of how I can practically walk myself at a physical level, within the consideration of what is best for all. Within this point of self-honesty I realize that no more, no less, no behind and no ahead can exist, as all dimensions of past, present and future exist here, as myself, as the physical moment of breathing.

Walking at the physical pace is nor slow or fast, it is the pace that is walked as the consideration of space and time, as the reality that we are and create in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss breathing myself here every time that I access the self-created pattern of ‘having to rush’ whenever I have to accomplish a particular task, and defending it as a ‘positive trait’ within me as ‘efficiency’ and ‘accuracy’

I realize that I adopted this patterns within the belief that I could then become like the ‘ideal’ that I perceived others in my reality to be-like, never realizing that I copied the ‘most effective’ survival mechanism in order to prevail as the ‘constantly winning’ personality that I fed as myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having considered being ‘fast’ and ‘accurate’ as a positive trait within myself, because of how I would get rewarded and awarded for doing things as ‘fast as I could’ – thus building this idea that there is always something to ‘achieve’, some ‘score to brake’ within myself, not realizing that all that I fed was the idea, belief and perception I created of myself as ‘the ever-conquering winner’ toward others.

And it’s fascinating because I see and realize that this became ‘so much who I am’ that I continued existing as this, which is a surreptitious and prevailing superiority toward others.

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the underlying self-belief of superiority toward others in my world within the belief that such ‘superiority’ is ‘who I am’ and that I am now ‘diminishing myself’ by having to walk at a ‘slower pace’ – which is only a perceptual consideration and mechanism of my own mind to defend the regular desire to intake as much ‘rush’ as possible to ‘upkeep’ the idea of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always see this trait of being ‘fast’ and ‘accurate’ within a positive scope, which veiled it from me walking it through self-forgiveness in fear of actually losing that idea of myself, which became a pillar to the entire personality based on superiority and inferiority of and as my own mind toward myself and others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recharge the self-belief and self-definition of having to be constantly ‘competing against time’ without realizing that I was only competing against myself and in doing that, keeping myself busy as the mind, directing me only from that energetic drive and impulse within the starting point of rushing, instead of realizing that whatever I do, say and think must be a self-directed action in every moment that I am living and existing at the physical pace wherein I become the directive principle of my words, thoughts and actions, in self-awareness of each moment being the moment of self-correction to live patience as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ‘must’ always remain ‘at the top of the spear’ wherein there is an energetic input in order to make the spear move, as that energetic drive within ‘rushing’ that I see and realize is an energetic charge that I am able to stop in every moment of breath wherein I allow myself to take the necessary time and space to walk the point breath-by-breath, moment-by-moment.

I realize that self-creation is not a matter of producing ‘products’ that I can get a certain ‘reward’ from – it is about self-understanding who I am, what I have become and walking the actual corrections in space and time, which can only then be seen and proven as I walk within space and time, wherein what I have in every moment is the ability to direct and correct myself to make sure the starting point of everything I do, say, think is based in the moment, and not acting out of an accumulation of backchat as self-talk to continue existing as the personality and ego of the mind within ‘rushing’ and competing against time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having used time as my ‘enemy’ and my excuse and an ally when it came to being a constant factor within the self-definition as ‘rushing’ within my life experience.

I realize that I have been the only obstacle and ‘fuel’ to drive myself as this constant rushing-experience within me. I also realize that I have claimed to ‘not have enough time’ without realizing that within rushing I am in fact missing the moment that is here wherein no time is required to be considered, but only self-movement breath-by-breath and moment-by-moment wherein the accumulation of such moments as breath directed toward a specific outcome, will inevitably lead to the certainty of that outcome as I have then placed myself in full-awareness within this self-directed process of self-creation – it is no longer a mind-creation and ‘idea’ of myself getting somewhere/ becoming something. It is myself here walking As that self-realization in space and time, as breath, as the moment, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having sought to take ‘short cuts’ to ‘get it all done as fast as possible’ which means that I am in fact not living self-correction as the moment, but creating an idea of getting myself ‘somewhere else,’ instead of realizing that short-cutting myself is only a mind-loop that will inevitably have to be walked within space and time as that’s the only point of self-creation that exist in this physical reality.

I realize that I have lived as the ‘quantum version’ of myself, as that idea of myself ‘getting somewhere’ and ‘becoming something’ within no-time, which is neglecting the very physical and actual reality that is here. Thus I realize that the only way to establish self equality and oneness is living here as the physical pace of breath, as the moment wherein I assess what is required to be done and live it As the moment – not to ‘get it done’ but live it as myself moment by moment until it is actually done in space-and-time as the physical reality that I then live as ‘who I am’ not as an idea that I have created of ‘who I am.’

That’s how ‘self-definition’ dissolves when the integration through space and time is no longer an energetic addiction or subtraction of points within an ego/ personality construction, but a self-equalization that is lived as ‘who I am’ as the physical reality – it is no longer bound or defined as a mind-reality, but lived as self in every moment wherein there are no longer any ‘scores’ to keep.

I realize that self-equality and oneness is a physical integration of myself out of the mind and into the physical through living the words that I have laid out here for me to consider in every moment that I am here, wherein when and as I see myself wanting to ‘rush’ and ‘speed up’ my pace and general activities within my reality, I stop and I breathe. I realize that walking patience as myself is the consideration of me walking within space and time as the actual integration of self-correction lived breath-by-breath and moment-by-moment wherein there is ‘nowhere to get to’ other than Here, grounding myself as the physical body that is self-directive within every thought and every breath. This is the space-time process to walk as self, here.

 

“Just slow down and breathe before you write and look at your words through the eyes of life and through the eyes of others and LIVE them to life, regardless – and with that you will lift yourself to life. It is in the service as the written word that we design ourselves as life. You are ready to grasp this. Breathe and accept it.” Bernard Poolman

 

“Moment M-o-(me)nt – Moment is the manifestation/physical living of Me (M) and how I decide/direct as live (nt) this Me practically in this world/reality, as a constant/consistent expression/standing/living (o) of ‘who I am’ (me), with me, the manifestation of me (the physical) and the living of me being an infactness that stand eternal because this Me is ALL, in/as equality and oneness and thus the Moment is Me, HERE– is the hereness of me as I am Moment, which is the very physical lived expression of equality and oneness always. Moment is HERE. Moment is always HERE as I am always Here – and therefore, self-realisation, the opportunity of rebirth to self-awareness is always HERE, open, waiting – in every moment of breath…” Sunette Spies

 

I occupy the space that I breathe in

 

Interview that allowed me to realize this:

Reptilians – The Quantum Time Illusion – Part 11

Impatience

Impatience – in pain shuns

Being called ‘Ms. anxiety’ was not a matter of casualty – this is the way that my mother would call me whenever I would get desperate and anxious to get things done in the moment I wanted, whenever I wanted and as I wanted it, which is a pattern I had/have lived throughout my life. I now see it as her having to deal with a female version of my father in the role of ‘her daughter’ whenever I  I would play out this pattern from a very early age in my life.

I would see the culmination of this when throwing tantrums every time that things didn’t go ‘my way.’ I would create and compound these energies that I would only ‘discharge’ in deliberate ways when I would exert them out in the form of what I could call extreme anger possessions. These were moments wherein in the middle of a tantrum I would go into a room or the bathroom in extreme anger and, in my mind being very, very pissed off about something which was usually linked to my pet peeves at that age. In between the crying while backchatting myself to sustain the ‘anger’ within me, I would take my body to a state of absolute shock until I would experience the type of chills that take over your entire body. In such moments after experiencing that ‘peak’ of anger wherein I could feel and experience all my nerves ‘piking up,’  I would then slow down, and then mostly remaining crying in guilt and even a form of pity toward myself, because of realizing that I was physically harming my body whenever I took myself to that point, I would even fear for my heart suddenly paralyzing in such moments. I guess this was my first ability to understand self-abuse at a physical level from which I would tell myself not to do it again, I can even remember giving little kisses to my arms because I could experience a great pain afterwards throughout my entire body which was obviously not cool to walk through. It was almost the same experience I would get when having to vomit when being sick.

So, back to here and how this came up.

I just experienced a pain on the top of my back and I saw that it emerged after walking through a point of having to answer someone’s posts while keeping it as simple and as common sensical as possible without allowing me to get frustrated and irritated by ‘the other person simply ‘not getting it’ without realizing that self-support must be here, unconditional and without any form of experience being created within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shun away the point of applying self forgiveness for experiencing ‘impatience’ just because of thinking ‘I can handle it’ which is actually a point of ego wherein I am mostly not facing the point as myself and being aware of what I am participating at a thought level, and just ‘shunning it away’ to not realize that I am still reacting in frustration and irritation when having to explain something to someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an entire physical tenseness where my jaw is mostly tense and in pain as I read through the words that I have to reply to and judging the person as ‘inept’ for not being able to ‘get it,’ within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional experience of anger, irritation and frustration which I perceive as ‘impatience’ only once that I have accepted and allowed the backchat to keep going eventually manifesting as an entire physical experience of pain and discomfort which is here reminding me that I cannot just pretend that ‘I can handle it’ and not face the experience that I am creating within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create impatience out of wanting others to see as I see and understand at the same rate I understand and within this, not taking into consideration the the other person’s context and background which is what I must take into consideration before continuing creating any judgment upon another, which is simply unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert anger onto others through written words when becoming frustrated and irritated and get even more irritated if I see no ‘reaction’ within them either, which is quite a fuckup because I have become used to fighting others within anger and this irritation toward others that then becomes an irritation exerted toward the entire world without seeing/ realizing that such irritation and frustration is only toward myself, accumulated from my own procrastination to direct myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own irritation and accumulated frustration toward others whenever I perceive others to be ‘too slow’ to get it or having to explain the same point several times.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘everything is fine’ because the person perceives that I am being ‘patient’ through answering all the questions and feeling ‘good’ because the person is ‘getting it’ apparently, while in fact I am not being patient within myself, only writing in away that is able to be understood – however I take responsibility for my inner experience and STOP existing in this inner experience even if it is not noticeable through my words, so this is about allowing myself to be Self Honest about it, give myself this time to write about it and then continue walking which is cool and self supportive.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe every moment that I see this energetic experience of tension and impatience coming up which manifests as this entire tension in my jaw which leads me to have thoughts about just wanting to punch something/ someone lol even if I cannot see myself doing that in real life, but the experience is just like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy as anger and frustration toward myself and exerting it out on to others as and through backchat which is only causing me to experience the effect of such accumulated energy as pain, instead of realizing that I can breath through it and disperse/ diffuse the point as I see it and experience it in the moment, breathing, here, not allowing myself to go into thoughts judging myself and others in that moment and not taking self responsibility for what I am experiencing, which eventually has nothing to do with ‘others’ but myself only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be unconditionally here, absolutely here as myself replying and commenting toward others but creating a particular stance toward particular beings according to how I read them, how I see them and how I have formed a judgment around them. This is unacceptable and I see and realize that I am able to simply direct any point in common sense, unconditionally, regardless of ‘who’ the person is and within this, allowing myself to direct myself to not participate in any reaction, but only work with the words that are here to write and direct in means of self support for both parties one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as impatience in the past as a form of superiority when thinking that others are ‘too slow’ for myself which has lead me to drop out in many cases, just because of ‘having to wait for others’ and within this sabotaging my ability to stand one and equal as others as well as not completing that which I could have completed if I had been patient enough.

This made me remember that German course, well I took German twice in my life, basic courses and I dropped out of both mostly because of perceiving that everyone was too slow and the course was too repetitive whereas I wanted to ‘speed up’ and advance as fast as possible – within this I would blame the rest of the class for being inconsistent and not supportive to go faster through the courses. I lead myself to step in my superiority position and dropping out, deeming it to be ‘too slow’ for me, which lead me to simply ditch German courses altogether to my own detriment, because I simply didn’t continue out of this fucked up ‘pride’ of being ‘too fast’ for those courses – the joke was obviously only on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people according to being ‘too slow’ for myself and within this only sabotaging myself as the opportunity to support me to slow down within my ambitions of ‘getting it done’ and ‘having things done’ as fast as possible, which is just a preprogrammed ‘treat’ of myself as a perfectionist, wanting to have everything just ‘done’ and ‘ready’ and ‘perfect’ in one go, while in reality this doesn’t work that way.

We actually have to Walk through the process of realizing that we are not alone in this world, we cannot possibly ‘run’ and ‘speed’ in our own bubble – I mean if we look at the example of those people that speed their cars, they are only caring for their own either timeframe or simple enjoyment of driving fast – which I see I enjoy lol – without actually caring about potential outcomes as accidents that may occur from such ‘speeding.’ I have judged these people as ‘inconsiderate’ without realizing that I have done the same as well, not ‘speeding a car’ because I don’t even drive yet, but speeding in my mind and wanting things and people to be ‘on the same page’ all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as ‘inconsiderate’ when not slowing down and taking others into consideration when speeding up while driving, without realizing that I have been in essence playing out the same pattern but in relation to interacting with people and the general way of ‘carrying myself’ which is that of a constant ‘hurry.’

So, I’m aware of this constant hurry and almost ‘anxiety’ of how I have lived my life. This has substantially diminished, I mean, I would get this anxiety mixed with nervousness even by having to get out of my house and go downtown and having to walk through streets to get somewhere, which can be equated to ‘having to complete any task’ in my reality. There were hundreds of fears and thoughts going through my mind all the time as I would ride there, as I would step down of the bus and walk around – a lot of self judgment and fear which would lead me to hurry around the whole time until I would get to a ‘safe spot’ such as the coffee shop lol.

So, I can speak from how through walking these ‘usual habits’ through self forgiveness I have been able to stop such experiences by simply breathing through any single thought that could emerge indicating any form of nervousness, anxiety or any other fear within such simple activity like ‘going out of my house’ which I have defined as ‘safe spot.’

Through supporting ourselves to stop these experiences, we’re able to then see how such experiences are not only related to or limited to being physically moving or facing others, but are able to come up within our internet interactions. I can see this is one of the ‘shades’ of this constant hurry I would exist as, a constant exigency to have things done ‘my way’ and ‘as fast as possible’ while I would then deem the rest of the world was just ‘too slow’ for me, only sabotaging myself and miss the opportunity to slow down because of thinking that ‘everyone was wrong and too slow for me,’ instead of realizing: I am the one that must slow down, I am the one that must stand here as every breath wherein it is futile trying to ‘breath faster’ or anything like that. I mean, imagine if our physical bodies would suddenly decide to either be ‘too slow’ some days or ‘too fast’ other times – sure, metabolisms work differently because of various factors according to different people – however, it is constant as that organism’s nature. This is how we have to equalize ourselves to, that physical pace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘exigent’ toward others without realizing that I am not living that point of optimum living myself, by the single fact of such exigency coming from a personality/ ego pattern that is not in relation to the physical pace of our own breathing, of our own living process that is here moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a ‘demanding’ stance toward others without realizing that I haven’t applied this toward myself and my own application unconditionally – hence it is ludicrous to ask or be expecting anything from anyone about something that I haven’t even lived by and applied for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate ‘speed’ and doing things as ‘fast as possible’ with being efficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father for having this constant ‘rush’ as a continual form of existing without realizing that I was living out and playing out the exact same patterns in my world.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop this mutual acceptance with my father as a form of ‘empathy’ within our own mindfucks, which is how I would then enjoy going out with him because of how fast he moves and how ‘efficient’ he is in everything he does.

I would enjoy walking with him because I would have to push myself to walk as fast as he would and in that, I simply pushed myself to become equal to that which I admired of him. As I have explained, is not that this is ‘good or bad’ but it is simply to place now this point and walk it in common sense where it is now very clear how within me existing in this constant rush and desire for ‘speed’ and ‘effectiveness’ I am limiting myself within a single frame of mind that prevents me from walking this point in equality within the consideration of What’s Best for All, which is then realizing I must live this point in common sense = considering each persons’ context before reacting or judging another for whatever I have compared myself to them.

I see how in essence this is how it works: we are constantly comparing ourselves with others when having any form of reaction or experience.

Thus, this point I take as a way to place into perspective how hurrying is literally a mindfuck, rushing everything in my mind then links to some form of ‘worry’ and unnecessary anxiety that becomes ‘frustration’ because of not having things working as I expect them to work out. This is how we usually then become our own mindfucks to deal with, this is how we do it all to ourselves.

Sticking to physical reality is then realizing: I am here as breath, I move and direct each point as I read through the words and reply in common sense without expecting or wanting a particular outcome wherein I can be ‘satisfied’ about others’ understanding. I simply direct each point as it is here on my screen, without holding any idea/ belief or perception accumulated over time on a particular ‘someone’ because I see and realize that this is in no way about ‘others’ but myself only.

Point by point, moment by moment we walk here and we stop ‘unleashing the dragon’ out of nowhere – apparently – and instead make sure we don’t accumulate all of these thoughts eventually becoming physical pain to ‘deal with.’

Such forms of abuse are unnecessary, we do it to ourselves = we take self responsibility.

Breathe.

Not Breathing

Patience– the mommy of all virtues


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