Opposing My Roots implies that when we try and deny the influence we had from our parents and relatives and simply ‘form’ and shape ourselves according to the usual idea of ‘I will never be like my parents’/ ‘I will never repeat what they’ve done onto me’ and any other similar statement, we end up missing out a key aspect of self investigation like I have done in relation to looking at how and why I accepted certain ‘characteristics’ as who I am without realizing that there is no ‘who I am’ that was born out of nowhere. For that matters, I am the accumulation of everything that I have been, which includes everyone that has gone before me. This is how within this process as I walk my own patterns, I am also taking into account what others before me also became, ending up as a single generational fuckup that would repeat itself. Yes, it is a fuckup because through these ‘hereditary patterns’ I learned that it was okay for me to acquire either my mother or my father’s temperament, their habits and manias. So,it is so when it’s said that we become our parents eventually because we come from them, and we can’t deny our roots or we could then just pretend we were born out of nowhere and got this ‘arbitrary programming,’ which is not the case either.
We accepted the mind as who we are which is a representation of ourselves, our ‘true nature’ if you will but linked to specific patterns, habits, traits that are programmed to be having specific results out of the participation within them: Energy. And for the entire history of this, you can listen to the material at Eqafe for more explanations.
I’ll take one event and walk it through in order to see who I am within this memory and how I learned one of the various emotional reactions that I became used to present in my reality as a child, which is also an event I described some blogs ago.
Event: going out with my parents and sisters and getting ready to leave. My father is waiting for us at the entrance hall looking up the stairs to wait for everyone to come. Women getting ready to leave /fixing hair, clothes, makeup or anything else normal to do when going out, there’s noises of hair dryers, heels, lots of shuffling around and talking. I am near my father and ready to leave – because I had discussed and realized through an entire mind construct how I was more ‘in tune’ with my father in order to oppose my mother and in a way also being more ‘responsible’ apparently for being ready when the time was here.
Fear Dimension: Father getting angry for everyone not being on time
-Being like ‘any other woman’
Thought Dimension: father standing on the entrance hall frowning and being quiet but angry inside
– Positive imagination as a desire: everyone being always On time as scheduled and going all happy in the car
– Negative imagination as a fear: Having our ‘going out’ trip absolutely ruined, everyone in a bad mood, not talking and having a ‘hysteric’ father at the wheel.
– Why can’t they just Be On Time as Scheduled?
– They had to be women!
– I am ready, they are Not
– It’s their fault that my father will now be pissed off, they are the ones to blame
– I am not like them
– Negative: Mimicking the impatience, exasperation, building up anger as time goes by, becoming nervous and anxious about the possible outcomes
– Positive: pride and responsibility, readiness as in being the only one that’s ready.
Tensing up my upper chest, experiencing nervousness and anxiety in my solar plexus, stifle myself and move as less as possible while waiting.
– Me tensing up every time I have to go out, rushing as well to get myself ‘on time’ while fearing that others might be ‘impatiently waiting for me’ or that I will miss something with it, ending up angry at myself for not being ‘perfectly on time’ and as such screwing up my self religion.
– Building up my self religion of ‘not being like all of the other girls/ women’
Here I write Self Forgiveness on the positive experiences of the event, this is only a series of points that are ‘surrounding’ this entire event to give more context to all the dimensions of which the event consists of, which is like looking at the basic conditions I imposed onto myself in order to have this pre-configured self experience in that moment of being waiting for my mother and sisters to come down and being there with my father waiting.
positive traits: being always ‘on time’ to be seen as a responsible one, being seen s as ‘I am not like every other girl, I don’t spend much time ‘getting ready’ to go out, gaining a point of preference from my father toward me, identification of characters with the usual ‘you are just like me’ (Read 103. Being efficient out of Fear! « and like father like son «
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rush through the process of getting ready within my internal battle against time which became a competition to be always ‘the first one that was ready’ compared to the other females at home, and in this, becoming anxious to get ready and be downstairs ready to leave wherein I would then consider this as a ‘prop’ for my character/ ego that was defined according to ‘being on time’ and pleasing my father with that
When and as I see myself rushing when getting ready to leave in order to satisfy my father and/or fearing him getting angry, I stop and I breathe. Instead of rushing, I consider the necessary time to get ready beforehand so that we can actually leave the place/ house as scheduled and I ensure that I do this breathing, here, being aware of my physical and allowing myself to relax my body through this process as I go breathing and direct myself to be there on the scheduled time, which is not a ‘race’ to fulfill but a timely-agreement in order for one or more people to meet/ go out as scheduled.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and keep up with my self-created belief of ‘being on time = being responsible’ as a positive experience within me, instead of realizing that being on time is simply agreeing to get to a certain place/ meeting on the agreed moment in order to meet another/ get to a certain scheduled activity and that in no way means it is a ‘positive experience’ as I see and realize that I have imprinted a positive experience out of actually fearing not being on time and within this, having acquired the belief that others will be pissed off/ impatiently waiting for me when not getting there on time, without realizing that this was all my own creation according to how I lived this ‘timely character’ at home whenever we agreed to leave the house at a certain time and fearing not being ready and making my father angry for that.
When and as I see myself rushing in order to be on time somewhere and getting this experience of anxiety to ‘be there on time,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the ‘being on time’ is stemming out of fear of Not being on time. Within this, I direct myself to schedule my physical activities in a way wherein I ensure that I am ‘on time’ as scheduled not to make it a positive thing like ‘Hey Look! I am on time here as I had said I would be” as a positive confirmation of the ‘timely character,’ but instead simply see it as a practical arrangement when meeting others, going to a scheduled event and bet there when it begins. And if for x or y reason I cannot make it on time for circumstances that are beyond my direction – traffic, having to direct something else beforehand due to it being important/ emergency, having forgotten something at home, etc. – I breathe through it and commit myself to then take the necessary precautions to consider potential outflows if the meeting is too important, but if it is not, I simply stop worrying about ‘being late’ and direct myself to simply explain the situation to another person without fearing them being ‘angry’ for having to wait.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience out of me being ‘always ready on time’ – apparently – which is also a personality trait that I’ve mostly cultivated within me based on comparison toward other females – sisters and mother at home – who would spend a lot of time getting ready to leave and within this, consider that I am ‘special’ because ‘I am not like them/ I don’t spend much time on my looks,’ which became another way to oppose the patterns at home of what a woman should be like, do, dress and do when ‘getting ready to go out,’wherein it became a cliché to know that ‘women spend a long time getting ready to go out,’ out of vanity – thus
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this ‘readiness’ as a positive experience when going out, out of fear of being seen as vain/ superficial for taking the time to look at myself in ‘how I look’ in the mirror which became part of the opposition character toward the women in my family and a point of ‘uniqueness’ that I created for myself such a ‘Look, I am Not like them, I am ready on time and I don’t give a fuck what people say about me’ – which was the usual stance I would take actually out of fearing that people would have to say something about myself/my looks when ‘going out.’
When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when being ‘ready’ on time and being waiting for others as a point of superiority – I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to wait breathing here physically until everyone else is ready and if I’m alone then this simply won’t exist because I am ready when I am ready and that’s it.
I realize that I have created a personality of being on time and ready to leave/ ready to move/ do something based on a commonality of seeing others taking more time to do so, and as such defining ‘who I am’ based on what others would be doing and become everything that they were ‘not’ according to the patterns they presented to gain a point of specialness and even linking it to responsibility for being ‘on time’ and gain some props for my responsible character/ personality that is actually existent out of fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be special/ unique as a woman for not taking too much time ‘getting ready’ to go out, wherein I then created this belief of ‘I am not like other girls/ women’ and as such, believe that this would be a preference by males because of having also witnessed how my sisters’ boyfriends would also have to wait for them every time that they would go out, and such define the entire thing of ‘getting ready’ as something ‘pathetic’ from females and within this promise that I would not be like that and that I would be then even more desired or wanted or satisfactory for a partner if I was always on time as scheduled, within this belief that males dislike having to wait for women to get ready to leave.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child and growing up, be the one that was always ‘ready’ and ‘on time’ as a way to be able to gain some preference/ recognition by my father in order to be seen as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ for not following the usual patterns of what a woman should be like/ act like/ do as ‘usual’ because I see, realize and understand that I became a character that would oppose all the patterns at home, specially from the women at home, within this belief that if I attuned myself to the male side, I would be able to be ‘loved’ by males for doing/being the way that they wanted a woman to be like, which became a pattern within me throughout my life in various other contexts.
When and as I see myself wanting to be ready and on time as a way to break the pattern/ paradigm of the amount of time a woman takes to ‘get ready to leave/ go out’ in order to be satisfying males specifically and be regarded as a ‘one of a kind woman’ – I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to simply realize that being on time is a practical consideration that facilitates the activities and that’s it, a point of agreement that ensures everyone is ready to leave at a certain time, not meaning that everyone MUST be ready on time, but simply a single physical-time arrangement that I can breathe through as well whenever someone else is not ‘on time’ and then one can take practical measures like calling them up to see where they are and as such not creating an entire character out of it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘readiness character’ toward others, specially females – wherein I would want to be seen as ‘special’ for being a woman and not taking that much to ‘get ready,’ which is also a self-religion and self-belief aspect, because all this readiness would be done within anxiety and fear of not being ready on time and be seen as ‘just another woman’ which I had deemed as a pejorative experience coming from myself from the view point as a male.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women as superfluous and vain by nature, wherein I then did all I could to not play out the same characteristics that would define me as ‘vain’ and ‘superfluous’ without realizing that then every single positive experience I had when living out my self predicament of ‘I am not like all of the other girls’ I was in fact not making a self-directive decision to be on time or not focus too much on my looks, but was instead only focusing on ‘not being like other girls’ which then became my ‘trademark’ when it comes to defining ‘me’ as an ‘unusual woman’ which I thought would give props with males within this
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create an entire anti-woman character within the belief that this would make me popular with males and partners that I believed would also appreciate women not to take too long to go out, and also within this, fearing them getting angry for me not being ready and on time go out due to the experiences I have had at home.
When and as I see myself defining ‘who I am’ according to ‘not being like all the other women’ I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to focus on what I can physically direct, do and direct within the physical considerations of time and moving and being available to do so without any form of comparison or expectation toward others or myself fulfilling what I have projected onto others as an expectation toward myself. I take responsibility for stopping believing what others are ‘expecting’ of me and focus on moving and directing me in physical reality.
I realize that this ‘I am not like all of the other girls’ characteristic is seeking one thing: being special, being unique and even praised by males and females alike due to always ‘being on time’ and ‘ready’ and ‘breaking the patterns’ of what a woman should be like, which is all based on the positive imprint I placed on this characteristic as well as focusing on accumulating ‘positive credit’ for potential partners due to having observed how they had to wait for females to be ready and I believed them to be impatient or angry or irritated – which is my Own programming projected there – and as such seek the point of happiness for them as the woman being ready to leave/ being on time, and as such be even more liked or considered as ‘one of a kind’ as ego-specialness of the mind.
I realize that this positive experience that I would get out of ‘being on time’ was obviously stemming from fear and fear of being judged as ‘another woman’ which became a characteristic of my personality in order to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ at the eyes of others. Therefore it is plain to see how even a single point like ‘getting ready to go out’ can contain an entire network of characteristics that entail the entirety of ‘who we are’ according to how we want to be seen by others/ who we are toward others, which are the personalities we create toward specific people – or even gender based in this case – in order to define ‘who I am’ as superior to others.
I commit myself to focus on breathing, moving physically whenever I am gong out with other beings and simply be on time as scheduled as a practical consideration. I breathe through having to wait for others, I breathe throughout the process of getting ready myself and be there when the time was agreed by others as well.
I commit myself to when going out or even foreseeing that I will be going out/ traveling etc. I breathe through the process of gathering everything required, taking a moment for myself to get dressed, take all the necessary things required and not judge any of my moves during this process or get anxious about it, as I see and realize that I will move/ leave when I simply physically ‘leave’ lol and that there is no need to create a character of rushing through it to be ‘on time’
This is a cool point to see how everything we believed was in fact a ‘positive aspect’ within ourselves stems out of a negative that we avoid, which is the basic consideration when looking at all the ‘positive experiences’ we’ve created and believed ourselves to be, and take responsibility to see how even if we copied mechanisms from our parents, we Became our characters due to our own participation in our own mind-assessments of what’s good/ bad or positive/ negative according to Self-Interest as it can be read here. Who we are can be simplified to being physically here, self directive and as an efficient being that is not measuring this efficiency according to some personality props, but simple self-directive will.
– This will continue with the following dimensions within this event, which is one single ‘branch’ of an entire series of traits that I will be walking in relation to the personalities I created toward people in my family that I simply sought to ‘oppose’ as a general characteristic within my self-religion of ‘who I am’ toward others in my world.
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