A turning point in my life was getting cable TV when I was 7 years old. A window opened up toward a world that I had only been exposed in a light manner to, which was idolizing music artists from as early as age 3 and making this my way of having fun when it came to dancing and singing. So when I was 7 I chose a form of entertainment that was not the average child-treat, it was watching music videos and exposing myself to all of these images and music that ‘truly fascinated me’ at the time – i n other words, I would be hypnotized in front of the TV.
I decided to open up this point as I heard that Adam Yauch is dead, and he happened to be one of those men that I first realized I ‘liked’ at that age just by mere presentation. Later on following the Beastie’s career and perceiving him as the ‘serious’ Beastie Boy, being a Buddhist, supporting activism like ‘Free Tibet’ and probably responsible for presenting the more ‘humane’ side to the media from the band, as well as being a music video director and the author of that rocking bass riff on Sabotage which is one of the songs that first drove me nuts as a child. This type of ‘sensitivity’ and humanitarian side within artists going for activism was an extra point I wanted to do, as I also waned to ‘do good’ but never knew how, and if if hadn’t been for Desteni, I would have mostly become a Zen Buddhism sucker myself supporting some charity programs on the way – if possible.
So, I’ll use that as a reference to build also ideas about ‘who I want to be’ in the future, which due to my extensive exposure to music and videos, I knew it had to do something with music– I went from wanting to be a musician, to a music journalist, a writer then a visual artist.
“I commit myself to demonstrate how the greed of self-interest forms the foundation of the philosophy of the soul. “ Bernard Poolman
I wanted to be as ‘free’ as I perceived people on TV/ music industry which is obviously linked to them having a life in a million with a million in their pocket, where all fame and glory is bursting at their feet. I could ‘sense’ the power that they would ooze when being performing. Music was always ‘the point’ within my life wherein I said many times ‘music saved my life’ just because for many years I did not care about anything o anyone other than listening to music, playing guitar and being immersed in my watercolor world, which smells like the perfect teen spirit that is brewing entire generations of ‘I don’t give a fuck about life’ in our reality, where everyone is just aiming to mimic the next greatest act in a furtive attempt to become famous in any way possible.
Therefore, I am proof of how anything that you get exposed to as child, you absorb and eventually end up molding yourself to achieve, according to the stereotypes that I would watch on TV, specifically musicians. So, the ‘music artist’ type of personality was developed at this early age – I grew up with MTV and I got exposed to so much bullshit that lead me to be more ‘open minded’ about life in general which was ‘cool’ from the sense that it allowed me to cope with ‘reality’ as our current culture with more ease, however I lead myself to want to ‘experience ‘that lifestyle’ as well.
Before I ever sought God or dedicated enough time to seek for the mysteries on life, I would spend my time being in la la land dreaming about music, about becoming an artist and profiling myself to achieve that type of lifestyle that I knew that was mostly impossible as a one in a million chance – but hey, it was all about the ‘attitude’ and having a ‘good time’ while dreaming about it.
An interview that really brought my feet back to the ground in the past weeks was Seeing the Good when only the Bad Prevails as it is about a musician that points out to change this world we have to stick to what must be done, and not what we like or would prefer to do at the moment. And that allowed me to also see how I had blamed myself for not being following too much in the artwork but being actually busy redefining ‘art’ as myself – therefore, no pressure as this is all about self-realization wherein I cannot possibly define me only as a single ‘tag’ in this world – hell no.
And so, this was the foundation of my ‘philosophy in life’ attempting to accumulate the most experiences for my own pleasure and benefit, getting closer to god in any way I could, even if this god meant watching endless hours of music videos absorbing the reality of such individuals that I simply wanted to live like as well. No wonder we have all kids wanting to be famous and artists nowadays, and or explicitly singing along to songs like wanting to be a millionaire and being rich girls, it’s all directly proportional to the amount of media exposure you have.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to absorb anything that I would watch on MTV as a source of inspiration to ‘build my life upon,’ which means that I accepted and allowed the idea of being famous and recognized, along with having a great ‘attitude’ as a source of inspiration to ‘fulfill my dreams,’ which weren’t taking into consideration anything or anyone else but my own desires to be happy and ‘free’ within the idealized version of myself I would create from watching other artists as well.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a musician was ‘my dream’ and that I would be able to make a lot of money from ‘doing what I like,’ which is the type of thinking that has compromised ourselves to neglect the actual reality in this world wherein we have to do and direct ourselves to live/do/ act upon that which we might not necessarily ‘prefer’ or initially ‘enjoy’ doing – yet it is required to be done, otherwise I have realized that I cannot enjoy myself just ‘creating’ and ‘having a good time’ while knowing that a single other being in this world that doesn’t even have money to eat is wondering why the hell us people with money are doing nothing to support them.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create and follow dreams of fame and fortune when I was a child from watching artists, and considering that ‘this was an acceptable easy way to live,’ as I perceived that it would be easy to make money/ be famous from doing what you like, which is the type of thinking within this ‘dreamer’ personality that I followed when I decided to make an art career and making myself believe that ‘it would be easy to support myself in it’ – yet never actually walking the necessary steps and practical points to actually make a living out of it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to idolize people that represented freedom, carelessness, humor and strength as confidence, as an entire package of ‘fame’ and ‘fortune’ which is what I sought as well in order to experience myself as, because of how I would see them express themselves when giving interviews and talking about how ‘great’ their lives were, in this believing that it is perfectly ‘fine’ to want to fulfill my dreams of fame and fortune, because ‘everyone else is doing it! So why can’t we?’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘make it okay’ to follow my mind into dreaming about fame and fortune, which were the first steps to only create a personalized continuous drive to ‘become someone in this world’ wherein I thought that making money and being famous and ‘having a place in the world’ would lead me to create some form of influence on others to ‘change the world.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that music could change the world, that a work of art could ‘change the world,’ I see and remember how I built and acquired these ideas from the endless times I would hear artists and their stories about being just regular people getting together to play, getting signed and ‘living out their dreams,’ which seemed fairly simple to myself and in that, pursuing a career wherein I could live out a similar life wherein you are not exactly in a regular job within the system, but still earning lots of money.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to ponder if I would have desired to be an artist or a musician or anything else for that matter if there was no money involved at all? My mind says yes, but I cannot trust it as that would come from an ingrained judgment toward making money out of my artwork so, not recommended to hear these thoughts wherein I essentially allowed my ‘career’ to become another attempt to escape the system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value artists as ‘more than everyone else in the world’ because of perceiving them as ‘fighters’ for what they wanted to be and become, and for being open minded and activists, which lead me to become aware of how there could be apparently some ‘effect’ within such fame-fortune positions to mitigate the problems in the world if/when reaching such status in the world, never knowing how this entire reality was set up in such a bright way to ensure that we would always fall for that which seemed like ‘sweet’ to live and experience ourselves in. In my case, the desire to be a musician, an artist became stronger the more I was preparing myself to eventually be part of this ‘artsy music’ world.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop the ideas and acceptances of ‘idolizing’ wherein I became infatuated with musicians and their lives, studying their lives and wanting to have some sort of ‘out of nowhere’ knock on my door to make me famous, just as some of them would tell about in their personal stories around music.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because everyone dreamed of having all the money in the world, being ‘the best’ and doing anything possible to achieve that, I could also only focus on living up and aspire to become part of such ‘easy lifestyle’ wherein it seemed much easier to live out of creating art, making music or writing than anything else in this world, which is how I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to only being a certain ‘idea’ that would then experience frustration and dissatisfaction when this ‘dream’ would seem like something beyond myself, which I deliberately ignored and still went for it, because of believing that I could somehow ‘find my way’ while being in it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to disregard taking into consideration the practical steps that are required to participate within this world in a suitable position to create enough financial stability to then consider that I am actually ‘building my life,’ instead I allowed myself to use a career choice and preferences as a point that I followed with no practical considerations or regard toward actually supporting a point in this world that would benefit the whole and not only myself and my pursuit of happiness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make it ‘okay’ to aspire to be someone with ‘lots of money’ without ever regarding why are we even following and chasing after money, when in fact all that is here as myself can agree that the current relationships we have created as this entire world system, are Not benefitting everyone equally. So, we require to create the new standard wherein we finally understand that we can only continue living in this world if each one takes responsibility for one point within the world to benefit the whole, to correct the relationships of self-interest and self-glorification into actual reforms and changes within our starting point, ensuring that we live by the principle of what’s best for All as life in Equality.
I commit myself to educate myself and others about the actual conditions that are imprinted within a child at a tender age when being exposed to media without any practical considerations of what is it that is being promoted and the reasons behind the support toward such activities that support the ‘pursuit of happiness’ with no regard whatsoever to what this dream-seeking position supports in this world.
I commit myself to create a world wherein media is no longer driven by money/ profit and indoctrination to accept ‘wealth’ and ‘fame’ as the standards promoted from a very young age within a child, which are being the key factors that have ensured that all kids aim to ‘be famous’ and eventually ‘be on TV’ just because of how ‘being rich/ being wealthy’ has been associated with happiness, glory, bliss and the ultimate apparent fulfillment within a world system where money has become it all within a human being’s life. I realize that I must expose the fallacies we’ve been living by and make sure that no money is ever promoted as a ‘lifestyle’ in this world, but instead becomes the way to provide life in equality for all.
I commit myself to expose the brainwashing that children undergo by seemingly ‘innocent activities’ such as watching any regular entertainment on TV, wherein programs are being perfectly crafted to instill patterns of consumerism and hierarchical values that become part of the inherent acceptances within children, wherein someone that is on ‘TV’ is seen as a semi-god while seeing the rest of the world as ‘not as good as/ not good enough’ in comparison to the fictional reality of fame, fortune and apparent ‘freedom’ that is presented in bright photoshopped versions of what ‘life’ is supposed to be.
The only way that real entertainment will emerge is when there is no money behind it, no matter how ‘good’ artist’s intentions have been, there’s been no ‘change’ in the world coming from that, as this world requires an overall participation of each individual within the consideration that life can only exist in Equality if we ALL participate equally to create a world that is best for all.